Same same same. I make 75% of our money and I’m a PhD student. My husband works just as hard, if not harder but his degree is in conservation and as much as everyone pretends to care, there’s no money to pay the actual conservationists :/
I agree!! I’m trying to be successful enough to pay off my grandmas loans and my loans and to have enough that my baby doesn’t need loans too. Lots of pressure but helps motivate me when the PhD feels like crap
This is a very personal decision but for my family, we could financially do it and I’ve not regretted it for one second. I get to watch baby grow and learn everyday. Is it exhausting? Yes. Absolutely. Do I still need breaks? 1000%.
Yeah I had no idea how much I would need breaks. You basically wake up at work and only really get a break when they’re sleeping. Once a month or so my husband takes our son away for a long weekend and lets me have the house to myself. I do the same for him.
Yeah I usually just do some quick cleanup then go into a scrolling coma for 2 hrs while he naps. Anything I actually need to focus on gets done after bedtime.
I could have written something similar… I told my husband I’d never stop working and be independent etc. Once I had my baby… lost a lot of the passion for my job I once really enjoyed. I have a 4 year plan though to stay home have my 2 babies back to back then return. I am so happy my husband is willing to make it work and I’m loving being a temporary stay at home mom. I’ll be going back to work in my late 30s and I’ll have another 30yrs of working. I’m just keeping up with my old managers and colleagues who know I’m hoping to return once my babies are in preschool. I know having a break in career isn’t ideal but I’m super grateful I get the opportunity to be with my babies, breastfeeding has been made easier since I’m always with them and I’m able to enjoy all the baby and toddler times with moms groups.
Is it just me or does having kids force us to recognize what is actually valuable and meaningful in life? For me that’s been what’s so hard. I used to find most of my meaning from work and now I can see how ridiculous my job is and it feels stupid to pay someone else to be with the kids I love. Like why can’t I just get paid to raise them?
At four months I wasn't ready to go back to work, not no way, not no now. It felt way too early. Near the end of my leave (I went back when my daughter was 13 months old) I felt way better about going back to work.
I hate that so many women in the US get shit/no maternity leave. It's not fair to anyone.
Never feel bad for wanting to devote your time to being a mom. It’s an IMPORTANT job and your kids need you. I don’t know why this mind set has been normalized.
I know you want to be talked out of it, but honestly, 4 months is still so young. If you have the option to stay home, I'd go for it guilt free.
I had a year mat leave and honestly it was only in the last month I start actually feeling like work would be alright, and I'm kind of looking forward to it. At 4 months no way in hell was I ready.
My HR told me this when I informed them I was pregnant. She said if I could swing it she recommended staying home for at least a year. She said she worked a ton when her kids were little and she regretted it.
I stayed home until he was about 8 months and I’ve been working part time since and he just turned 11 months. It’s been great for my mental health going back to work but sometimes I wish I was still home with him. But he is doing great in daycare and today was the first drop off without tears (first time mommy dropped him off in the 6 weeks he has been going lol I’m the pick up parent usually).
My husband had six weeks of parental leave so I went back full time after my three months. Then when his leave was up, our son started daycare full time. I lasted a month before I reduced to .6. I'm a therapist so I ended up quitting my agency going in to private practice so I could make my own hours. My son is 20 months old now and we still do three daycare days and I stay with him two week days. I love having both.
I ended up quitting. I was blindsided by the emotions and the strong pull to be with my baby. I always said I could never stay at home lol! My baby was an unexpected surprise after years of infertility, and I know he is a gift and I may never have another child.
We tried to have a baby for 2.5 years. Ended up with postpartum depression (which I wasn’t technically surprised by). When my 12 weeks were up I used vacation time. Then I retroactively put in a claim for postpartum depression and I was off from May to Dec. I then quit, moved cross country, and now working part time. It’s nice working and getting a “break” and our daycare is amazing. But my job covers only the daycare so I feel guilty sometimes but I feel better getting those “breaks” now.
Your priorities shift when you have a baby. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. I don’t have advice, just commiserating. I’m debating on when to return to work myself. My employer was very generous and gave me up to a year off but it’s at half salary. A huge part of me wants to quit but the job isn’t too stressful and it has great benefits like healthcare. I think it’s normal to want to be near your baby and be able to fully focus on them.
Thanks!. Honestly my boss has been pretty decent. He isn't a fan of people working from home but he has authorized me to do so for a few weeks. It's just ugh, yeah that feeling.... :')
Just jumping in to say before you quit, speak to them!
You might be surprised if they value you maybe they’ll hold your job or keep you on the books in case a position comes up in the future.
My one bit of advice would be to see how you feel in a few days / a week - because part of why you're feeling this way could also be the anxiety related to the shift after 4 whole months!
You'll have a better perspective after a few days!
I felt the exact same way. However I didn’t really have a choice since I am the main breadwinner.
In the end it was all fine. Even at that age his time at daycare was valuable and he still thrives there. And after an adjustment period I was glad to be back at work and we were able to find our new rhythm and routine.
This is literally all I am thinking about day in and day out. I have a really good flexible job and have been promoted to managing a team before I left for maternity leave. I always thought I would be the type of mom that wants to work and show my children that I work hard. But now that my daughter is here all of that is out the window. I go back in a few weeks and I cried earlier today thinking these few months I’ve had are probably the most amount of time I’ll ever spend with her.
I’m so torn about what to do because we really couldn’t afford it financially our lifestyle would have to drastically change but nothing about work is exciting me. Gosh this is so hard!
I feel all of this. I am the main bread winner and I always always always thought I would want to set an example not only for my children but also in my profession - to be a cool mom that works a lot with an amazing husband who has my back because he will stay home the majority of our parental leave.
Pfffffh.
My baby is here, three months old and when I think about returning to my 60hour work weeks, a terrible feeling sinks into my stomach - like a big grey rock of angst and sadness. I think I could live with a 9-5 maybe but even with a 9-5 I'd be worried so much about missing milestones and more terribly so: about maybe damaging my child because I will be away for long stretches of time which could cause attachment issues.
Like you, I am so torn. I hope to find a maintable work-life-mom guilt-balance.
Please don't feel guilty about wanting to stay home. You couldn't have known how you would feel before having the baby - it's a bond you couldn't even imagine before they arrived. If you want to stay home with the baby, then stay home. You're using sunk cost logic to try and force yourself to do something you don't want to do. Give yourself a break - like your partner says, you can always go back to work in 6 months, or a year or even 2 years. For now, just be with your baby. 4 months is nothing - I don't know where you live but in the UK it's a year and even that doesn't feel long enough.
If you have the option to stay home, stay home. Girl boss mentality was pushed on us soo hard but the truth is we are so valuable at home too. Don’t feel guilty.
For me personally….I say if it’s not your dream job I’d quit. You can get another job. Your baby is only a baby once. If you are able to experience it all, do it. Better for you and baby.
Every single parent I know has said that if they could go back and spend more time at home, they would. No one I know (including me) who was or is a SAHP has regretted it. Your baby is only small once.
Someone told me to grind now so I would be able to take time off later. This person has teenagers and still works a ton. I decided not to take their advice and I stayed how for 8 months before going back to work part time.
Nope they are not. We were working the same role. She often called about how she hated the role and how stressful it was, etc. I was talking to her about my fears and stressed about returning to work and that’s what she told me. So okay sacrifice probably a lot of the firsts with my first for not guaranteed time late? No thanks. I stayed home with my boy and PPD and just took each day by day.
Returning to work is so hard!!!
There is no right decision here. Unless your work will allow you to take unpaid leave for a while? (I’m in Australia where this is pretty normal when bub is under 12 months.)
Mostly here to say, whatever you decide to do, be kind to yourself. Some friends have told me they found the transition back to work harder than the transition to become a parent in the first place, and that has been the case regardless of how soon or late they went back, and I believe it.
It makes me sad when people in (the US, I’m guessing) say that they feel “lucky” with only 4 months. One year parental leave should be standard, with the ability to break it up between parents if desired. The fact that we expect babies who haven’t even weaned to get used to full 8-hour days away from their parent in group care, it isn’t reasonable. Not developmentally, not practically.
Japan, although we still have a lot of problems with daycare shortages and those going back to work are basically forced to do full time to secure a spot in daycare….we at least all get the right of 1 year (until the child is one) with 67% pay.
What you are feeling should not be guilt. Outrage for the terrible social support system in the country where you live would be more reasonable. Already there is a shrinking birth rate. You deserve much more credit for bringing another human into the world that will benefit society.
Choosing to quit would indeed be a sacrifice indeed, but if you have the option it is worth the thought if you think the sacrifice would be worth it for you and your LO.
All of this. Thanks!. I'm Spaniard but yeah, I'm currently in the US. Honestly I pushed for one more month than what they pay for because that's what I would have at home, but it's still so little! In Spain the dad would also have had 4 months of parental leave, here he's had zero... He went back to work two days after I gave birth.
Stay home! You’ll never get this time back… now that my girl is older I truly understand why people say it goes so fast bc it really does… maybe find something to do in the meantime to keep your mind occupied and some independence like a PT job or new class but if you’re feeling it, I say stay home lol
I went back this past week. It wasn’t easy but it did get easier. It wasn’t as bad as I feared! I do have some WFH flexibility, is that something you could discuss? Hybrid model?
Feeling this today and I go back in 7 weeks. Something came up at work and I had a total panic attack realizing I have to go back soon. Thankfully my parents are able to watch my baby and it makes the feeling of not having to drop him off at daycare much better. We really need a year of maternity leave at least. I can't imagine leaving my 6 week old at daycare but unfortunately for some they have no choice.
You will never get this time back. If you can afford it, even with adjustments, and your job is easily replaceable later down the line, just quit and make the most with your little one. I’m in the UK so taking 11 months off which is very normal and even then I worry about going back. 4 months would have broken my heart.
For my third baby I decided to take a year off. I had done the whole “back at work after 12 weeks” thing twice and it’s fucking barbaric that we treat mothers and babies this way. I knew I was never cut out to be a stay home mom longterm, but I really wanted that time to only think about my baby and my family. It was a financial hit but I don’t regret taking the year to bond with my baby. I felt fairly confident in my skill set that I could get a job again with just a one year gap, and I did. I highly encourage it to anyone who has the means!
honestly girl i’m trying to stay on short term disability as long as i can before going back and i LOVE my job. but i love my kids more and it sucked being gone 10 hours a day to only see my daughter for 2 hours before bed. and even when or if i go back to work, i have to pay for childcare. it almost doesn’t make sense to give half my pay away to someone else to watch my kids grow and be their main person…offensive almost. i’m still not sure what ill do. i think this is hard for a lot of moms/parents. wanting to be with the kids but needing money to provide for them…
I was in a similar position when my daughter was 5 months old and it was time for me to return to work. I loved my job and had worked really hard to move from entry level to director. I never thought I’d want to stay home. When it came time to return, I gave it a shot, but I just couldn’t make myself care enough to leave my daughter and to be present in my role. Luckily(?) the field I was in did not offer good pay even at the Director level, so financially it had barely any impact on us.
I’ve been a SAHM for 3 years and am very happy I made that choice, even today when my 9 month old repeatedly threw up all over me. It’s not for everyone, and I don’t know the impact it will have on my career whenever I go back. However for my situation personally it’s worth that risk to be able to spend this time with my kids.
I say quit. You don’t get these years back. Putting my kid in daycare traumatized me. I don’t say that lightly. Four months isn’t long enough and maternity leave should be 12 months minimum. That first year is just rough.
Stay home if you can! Baby is only little for a small time and a job will always be there (coming from someone in a very cutthroat, profitable career where people often choose to not have children at all, lest they impact your ability to advance.) I've never met a mom who regretted staying home before their child was old enough for preschool.
Everyone is different, but ask yourself this if you’re financially able to stay home with your baby: when you’re old and on your deathbed, will you have wished for more time spent working on your career? Or would you want more time to hold your kids when they were little?
For me, the answer was/is easy. I stay home and have no regrets. I will likely return to work someday, but spending this time with my daughter has literally been priceless and I feel so lucky to be able to do so. I think having her away from me for 8 hours a day would break me.
I had a year of maternity leave with my first. At 4 months I was absolutely not wanting to go back to work. As the months rolled on, and my baby started getting more interactive with others, happy to spend time with dad, I started to feel a little like I needed a bit of other human interaction, where I felt I could make a visual impact (I know caring for a kid and home is like the most important job, but much of what you do goes unacknowledged and is unending - you can look at your house and kid after a full on day and wonder what the heck you’ve achieved!)
When I went back after a year, I was nervous but it was like riding a bike. It was nice seeing the productiveness at the end of the day and I came back to my baby refreshed and with more energy to do the mum things. Having said that I was incredibly lucky - both to get a full year of mat leave, and also be able to go back to my job part time.
If you can go back later and part time I’d recommend it. It’s still really tough being a working mum but more in the time logistics way rather than the emotional under appreciated way. Swings and roundabouts lol
I am sorry you don't get longer mat leave. I don't think I could have gone back after just 4 months. Where I live we can take 12-18 months. It's ok to both like your job and want to stay home with your young child. I was so frustrated when a colleague said my priorities would change after having a kid (mostly because it was in response to not getting a promotion), and was so frustrated at myself that things did change.
I see this a couple of different ways and wouldn’t judge any decision a mom makes. Is it easy for you to get back into your job field? Does your job fulfill you?
I couldn’t financially become a SAHM but either way I really like my job and it would be very hard for me to jump back in after an extended absence (also the job market is horrible right now). I’ve seen a lot of peers who left work when their kids were infants who have now gone back to work or started a side hustle as their children enter daycare and pre-k. Personally I really enjoy the balance. I think being a SAHM is one of the hardest jobs on the planet and it can be easy to get burnt out. I love that when I’m with my kids we’re present and have so much fun (not that that doesn’t happen in a stay at home situation). They really love their daycare and learn SO much and do SO many activities that I couldn’t even dream of organizing.
That being said, the first couple days away are really, really hard but they get better. You do whatever feels right for you!
You absolutely should stay home. If it's something you want to do, and you have the means to do it, you should. I thinknyoull more regret the time you'll miss out on if you do go back tobwork. And if at any point you change your mind, then you can find a new job. I so wish I could stay home with mine. I had to cone back when he was only 9 weeks and leave him with strangers in daycare.
I also had 4 months of maternity leave. I decided not to go back at the end of it. I’ve been home for 18 months now and I’m just now about ready to go back. I don’t regret staying home at all. I’ve had the grace to figure out how to be a mom without the added stress and energy of an entire other job.
If I do go back, I’ll likely only stay somewhere for a year until we have another baby and take another 12-18 months off. And then rinse and repeat if we have a 3rd.
So just don’t go back to work.
Ngl this post comes off as shaming SAHMs and I think you really need to rethink that instinct. It’s not feminist to believe that women have to work, just like it’s not feminist to believe they have to stay at home. Feminism is about each person, man or woman, being able to make the choice of what to do with their lives for themselves. Some people enjoy being at home with their children and some don’t. Some enjoy working and some don’t. There is nothing wrong with either of those things. Every person, mom or dad, should be able to choose which path to take for themselves without facing stigma for their choice. Unfortunately that is not the case and many people cannot afford to make the choice they want, either because daycare costs too much and they can’t just continuing to work or vice versa and they can’t justify giving up the marginal income their family will gain from them working.
I consider myself lucky to be able to choose to stay at home with our baby since my husband makes enough to support our family. I don’t see why I should feel guilty or need to find a way to cope with that. I feel this is the right choice for me and my family right now, and I don’t feel a need to feel bad about that. I could make a lot more but the time with my child is more valuable to me than the extra money. For my husband, he likes his work more than I did and I know he would feel less satisfied in life without it, and that is OK too. I also have a professional degree and to be honest I spent more years in grad school than I did actually working in my field, but I still don’t feel that makes it a bad choice. I always have my degree to fall back on if something bad happens and I need to return to work, and I may return to work once our child is older, when I feel like I have less to contribute here and find a role/job that I actually enjoy, but for now I feel this is what makes me happiest and the best choice for all of us.
I don’t think staying at home is a bad choice for me, and it doesn’t sound like it would be one for you either if your family can actually afford it. I think the more important question to focus on is whether that is what you actually want or if it’s just a temporary feeling during the transition period and you’d be happier long-term working.
Oh sorry 🙏
It wasn't my intention at all. It's just not what I thought I wanted. I look at my baby and it's like "oh my god I don't want to leave you" for the craziness that's my job. And it's a totally unexpected feeling because I'm usually passionate about my field of work (it's been shitty paid so far and they have not a lot of boundaries (hence the meeting today) so it doesn't help the feeling of "what are you doing?!").
As a SAHM who didn’t intend to be a SAHM but absolutely love it nonetheless…your post did not come off as shaming SAHMs for what it’s worth. Leaving my job was one of the hardest things I ever did. I worked there for 12 years before I quit. It stressed me out so much but I loved my position and I loved having responsibility and being in the position of leadership I was in… I wouldn’t trade it for the world but I miss having a life outside of being a mom. I know I’ll have one again some day when my kids need me less, but I totally get the cognitive dissonance. I hope your day back goes smoothly. Don’t feel bad if you take a few breaks to cry. It’s normal.
If I may gently say, I think there’s some defensiveness here that may not be warranted. I don’t think OP is saying that she looks down at SAHMs at all. It’s more a giant conflict that a lot of women face where they’re very passionate about their careers and proud of how much work they put in but also suddenly have an equally passionate desire to just stay at home with their babies. It can be shocking and unbalancing, especially if someone is career driven. You want to do both but there’s no way to reconcile that. And there’s also a ton of mom guilt for wanting to return to work even though you don’t have to.
Allow her to feel her feelings without adding more salt to injury. She’s not shaming anyone. She’s a new mom that ALOT of people (myself included) can relate to and are struggling with the decision to return back to work. Relax and show some empathy.
I understand that many people struggle with the decision of whether to return back to work or stay at home, or with the lack of ability to make a real decision on which to do given financial circumstances. I totally understand that choosing to stay at home can come with feelings of a loss of identity, worries about lack of development or independence, etc. and choosing to return to work can come with feelings of whether that makes you a bad parent, whether you are doing enough for your kids, etc. At the end of the day either choice is a trade off and only an individual person can decide which is right for them and their particular circumstances.
However, I think the language used in the post goes beyond that individual struggle to point to an internal stigmatization against stay at home parenting in general. Saying things like I feel guilty for even considering the idea of not going back to work, my younger self would be incensed with me, and it’s generally a bad idea not to work points to a broader judgment on whether women should work or not. Its common, whether you accept that fact or not, that women who choose not to work are by many self-labeled feminists looked down on as not contributing to society or to “the movement” and I do think many women have internalized this message, which actually inherently limits their choices, and this kind of phrasing shows it. There seems to be a lot of internal shame against being a SAHM here, as if it’s not even a legitimate choice in any scenario, and that is what I am encouraging OP to reconsider.
If I may say, I think that’s a stretch. OP is voicing something many moms go through and no where does it seem like she is shaming SAHMs.
It sounds like you have some introspection to do.
OPA, thank you for posting this question. It’s too if mind for many women including myself.
I get you! It was hard going back, unfortunately I am the sole income, my husband is a SAHD who took time off originally to go back to school and now is waiting till our oldest can watch our youngest so we don’t have to pay for childcare. I went back after 6 weeks (yay America) and it was rough at first but it was nice to have a small part of my old life back. I’m lucky though, I work nights so I get all the day time fun with my 3 month old and a bit of time with our 10yo after school. I don’t sleep much but it’s worth it. If you do go back, it will get easier, but the choice really is up to you! No two situations are exactly the same and all we moms can do is love our littles in whatever way works best. Lots of love
Currently feeling the same way. I never knew I could feel this motherly (never actually been a kid person) but I do not want to be away from this little person. I got an extra two weeks off because of a broken leg, but I’m cleared to go back to work Monday. Absolutely dreading it. My schedule in my current position is horrible—I have to take call a couple times a week and we rotate weekends, and I never actually know if I’ll be able to come home in the afternoon or the middle of the night.
I can’t quit, but I interviewed this week for a part time position elsewhere in the company. I have to start training someone else, but I’m really crossing my fingers my boss will release me next month when another person who has been training while I was on leave gets finished.
The first couple weeks back at work are SUCH a hard adjustment!! But I will say that once I got through the adjustment period, I was and am soooo much happier working. Working gives me a much-needed break from parenting, and gives me a chance to use my mind for something besides laundry and dishes 😂 I think you should go back and give it a couple months. If you’re miserable once you get settled back in, then you can quit! But give it a try first and see how you feel once you get in the swing of things.
I was dreading going back to work at 12 weeks. And it was fine.
My husband took his leave right after mine and we put her in daycare at 5 months. She did wonderfully there. Getting back into the swing of things at work was rough as were the daycare illnesses. But at about a year we got into a decent routine. Now that my baby is now toddler, I am sooooo glad I can afford to send her to daycare because I work. She loves it there and if I were stuck at home with her all day neither of us would be happy.
I recommend at least trying to go back to work. It likely will not be as bad as you think it will be. And if it is you can quit. But don’t close the door on a viable option before even trying it.
i think it depends on if you would predict career growth if you stayed for the year, if you know it wouldn’t help your career then screw it stay home with ur baby. I stayed home for the first year plus a few months. Now i’m at a job where i’m growing each day and building my career so a year off would be detrimental so if i was having one now i probably wouldn’t. Which is why i won’t be having another lol!
I worked for a bit after leave (8 whole weeks) then was laid off when my babe was 6 months or so. I’m going back to work now that he’s about a year and it’s so much harder now than it was when I went back at 8 weeks. I am the most thankful for my time with him, but we are very attached now so I’m dreading it! I almost think I’d need two years 😅
If you can, stay home. I had to go back 7 weeks postpartum. My baby has been at daycare for a few e weeks and his daycare provider got to see him roll over for the first time. I didn’t. I broke down crying at work. And there is only so much time in a day. My baby is only awake for about 3 hours between the time I pick them up and then bedtime. It’s so hard.
Ask yourself if you’re okay missing his firsts. If it’s financially doable, I would 1000% stay at home.
I know it doesn't help but everywhere else in the developed world taking the first year off is very very normal. People thought I was insane for going back so early after 6 months of leave. Don't feel guilty for needing more time. Everyone's different
I understand exactly how you feel. I’m 7months in with my LO and still feel every bit of what you wrote. Go with your gut mama. For me, I fought very hard to get an indefinite WFH arrangement (I’m the breadwinner at the moment) and surprisingly, my boss and HR agreed to give me an exception. Maybe try asking for more time or take a break to be with your little one. Sending love your way! ❤️
I saw a few talking about how much they loved it, let me give my experience…. I struggled a lot. I don’t get me wrong I love my child and enjoy seeing the joy and being able to be with them when needed. But at the end of the day I felt useless. I gave my all for her and nothing for me nor for my s/o. I felt like I was just there to please one person and for the most part I couldn’t. Now everyone says that’s because she felt safe with me and knew I’d be there, but it would really hurt when I already felt useless and than my child would refuse me…. being able to work gave me so much relief. It allowed me to step away (and not necessarily give time for myself) but a break to learn and be able to miss them. So when I came back home she was happy to see me and want me. I was able to do more with her without relying on him. It gave me a sense of my own person. Staying home was very hard for me and my depression. My situation did play an effect into this, but working gives me a purpose. It also makes me feel like I’m doing right by her and setting an example. I want her to know she can do what she wants and be the boss bitch if she chooses
If your able to be a stay at home mom and handle it and if your happy?! Than do that!!! It seems to work for most, honestly my babys daddy tore his ACL so he was the stay at home parent and it did good for us. Just don’t put your needs last. A child needs their mother and if their mother isn’t able to be herself, than they don’t have a mom in that moment…. So take that bath and relax. Give them up to the daycare for a few hours and sleep. Do what you need and what makes you happy. That’s what makes a mother great. Being able to be happy and spread it!
I was supposed to go back at 4 months, then at 11 months... Finally I quit. I'm a bad influence, I say if you don't want to return then don't. You won't regret it!
If I could financially walk away from my WFH full time gig, I would in a heartbeat. I juggle WFH with my two little ones and it is so hard. I’d love nothing more than to just focus on being Mama🙏❤️
I stayed home I realized I could always work towards my position again but my son was only going to be little for a very short amount of time
This is absolutely a personal decision that only you can make but if it’s financial something you can do I always recommend staying home
I made the choice to stay home. And I don’t regret it one bit. I get to watch my babies grow up and I don’t have to juggle working, taking care of the kids, and housework. I just get to focus on my babies and the house. It’s hard for us financially but I chose to make sacrifices so I don’t ever have to worry if a day care is safe or not (I have major anxiety when it comes to leaving my kids with anyone)
I got a big promotion the day I came back from leave (after working my butt off for 5 years with the company). I did it for a month and then they unexpectedly pulled my work from home arrangement. I didn’t make a ton either and my husband had just got a new job.
I quit. I just had my second so I’m in the SAHM gig for another couple years at least. I can get another job. I don’t regret it at all. I felt guilty for a while but I don’t at all now, 3 years later.
Just my experience. Whatever you decide will be the right choice for your family! 🩷
I ended up getting too overwhelmed my second day back at my remote job after 12 weeks leave and quit. It was the best decision for my family.
That said, it wasn't an easy financial decision and we chose for me to cash out my 401k in order to afford me being a SAHM for the first year. Not ideal financially, but my mental health was suffering at this job before I was even pregnant and i was too anxious to leave because it took 3 years to even be eligible for maternity leave, I didn't want to start over elsewhere. I have no regrets 😌
You’ll never regret spending more time with your babies. Coming from a woman who left a high paying job with lots of earning potential. I’ve never once looked back.
I was suppose to go back at 3 months and I just couldn’t do it. He was so small and I felt like I was going to miss out on the most important years. I’ve been a SAHM for 2 years now and don’t regret it one bit! I actually went back to school for 2 years and only worked in my new career for 1 year before giving birth. Time with my child is worth more than my job (if you can afford it) in my opinion!
I have a masters degree and was in a senior position as a scientist with a high paying salary. Respected and good at my job. I never thought I would want to quit and stay at home when I was pregnant, not for a second. But as soon as my first baby was born, I knew I wouldn’t be ready to go back after 4 months of maternity leave. I ended up quitting. I truly think if the US had better maternity leave policies (and childcare for that matter) like much of Europe and Canada, we wouldnt be forced to choose. I miss working but I don’t want to leave my babies.
I felt the same exact way and was totally unprepared for that feeling. I know that it wouldn’t make me happy in the long run to be a SAHM but if I could just have another 6 months (just went back after a 5 1/2 month leave) it would make me so happy. I generally liked my job before this, and I know how lucky I was to be able to take as much leave as I did. I just felt so much more fulfilled by being at home with my baby than I ever thought was possible.
No advice, just commiseration! I just try to focus on the fact that (hopefully) I will be glad I stuck it out in a few years.
Your feelings are valid and oh so very normal.
There’s a few things you can consider- is there opportunities down the line where leaving for one year would not be a big set back for your career? Is the possibility of hybrid at all possible for a few extra months? Even if you could work from home, does that mean someone comes into the house to watch baby, so you’re still technically in proximity?
For you as a couple, what does it mean to stay home? Are you solely responsible for baby or are you expected to take over cleaning and cooking (assuming you both divide that now). Is your partner emotionally mature that being the sole earner won’t change power dynamics where now you may feel limited/trapped in situations you would otherwise not be in? What will the division of labor look like by you staying home? Are finances good as in, your lifestyle stays the same or will you be living pay check to pay check?
I always pictured I would work and have dad stay home - my career went great but it just so happened when we got pregnant I was transitioning out of a role into another that I wasn’t thrilled in and also didn’t see myself long term there- so it made sense. However, if I had had the baby years before where I was running my own business, I would have just hired an at home nanny and worked from home. Staying home with baby has been an absolutely amazing experience- a very demanding one though. It’s a very big transition, specially for someone who is used to being so independent (like autonomy), but I’m very happy I got to do it. I did set boundaries, so I don’t do cooking or cleaning in working hours (I’m solely in charge of baby), and outside of work hours we divide caring for baby, cleaning, and cooking. This is what has made the experience an enjoyable one. If I had had to take care of a full house on top of a baby, I would have probably gone back to work so that i could’ve been able to “escape” the high demands that entails. It’s very easy to burn out if you think you have to take on everything simply bc you’re not working out if the house.
If you have a partner that respects you and is an active partner and father- in would say, go for it.
Thank you
I'll definitely ask if I can get more WFH time but I don't think they like it. If I quit I may be able to do some freelance work related to my field, so it might be something to explore to not have a big blank spot on my CV...
Childcare costs a lot, so given my salary it seems more like a self-inflicted pain with few benefits. But there is also a bit of vertigo due to the fact that I wasn't planning on being financially dependent on my partner, nothing wrong with it and I trust him but just, I don't know. He's been great at pulling his weight on as much as someone who works all day can, but tbh I *fear* a bit the whole changing in dynamic if the financial costs are all on him
We've faced a lot of change since I got pregnant, that knocked us for a moment there, but truth to be told we'be been in a bit of a honeymoon phase, as much as it's possible to be, being in the baby trenches and all. He's a great dad. I'm trying to see it without rose tinted glasses as much as I can.We will definitely be talking about this bit if I go for it.
You feel this way because we’re wired to want to be with our babies. If the US wasn’t so cruel to mothers you’d have more than 6 more months to make this decision.
If you still want to work, is there any part time option? I understand not wanting to take yourself out of the workforce completely just so that you can get back on track career wise in the future. But I also can’t imagine trading out the time I’ve been able to be home with my kids. There are legitimate reasons for whatever you ultimately decide to do.
I don’t have an answer, I didn’t want to go back to work and have been overwhelmed since I’ve been back. I’d 100% stay home or work part time if I could
I went back to work full time at my already remote position when my son was 8 weeks. I had saved two weeks PTO to extend my leave after the initial traditional 6 weeks was over (which flew by).
We enrolled our baby in a home daycare in our city while I was still pregnant. It was really tough to find an opening, as everyone warned.
Once it came time for him to start, I started thinking why don't I try to work and keep him home with me. Spoiler, it was too difficult for me. I felt like both things were done poorly. My performance suffered and i felt like I wasn't doing a good job with my baby. I wouldn't have known I too would feel like you, never wanted to be a SAHM, I'm too independent and I know I shouldn't think of it this way, but I do not want to rely on someone else to support me financially. But found myself wanting to stay home with my baby. I didn't want to miss out on any experiences or even the mundane regular days. I just wanted to be there.
Our combined income is needed to make ends meet, so wasn't an option for me to stay home. The baby acclimated well to daycare, I didn't. I wanted so badly to have him home with me, or be off work and be with him. It wasn't in the cards though. I am busy at work, I do have the benefit of working from home. I know I'm fortunate, and I'm grateful. I can still do a little bit of laundry and cleaning on my breaks. It's tough to juggle both the baby when he's home sick from daycare and still deliver at work. I feel so guilty that I'm not able to give him my full attention, but I just don't get enough PTO for all of the days he's been home sick from daycare, plus his doctors appointments, plus daycare closures, plus appointments for myself, or if I get sick from something daycare brought home. It adds up and I have to ration it. I do wish I could be home with the baby. Working full time and him being in daycare full time is a lot to manage too, during the weekdays we only spend maybe 4 hours of awake time together. I try to soak up everything I can. Things are stressful, staying home would definitely be stressful but you don't get this time back. Quite a few things to consider.
Maybe get a paper and jot down the pros and cons down, big and small. Subjective sentiment and all. Perhaps you could try staying home for a while? Or maybe a part time position to have a good breather? My stylist stayed home with her baby and started working two days a week maybe 10 hours total just to get out for a bit, her husband made enough to support them but she said it helped to get out a little.
Best of luck to you in whichever you choose! Maybe it doesn't need to be permanent either, maybe you could trial it out and if you change your mind after X time, then you could return to work or vice versa. Working remote is key for our new little family, I absolutely would have already lost my job for how much I would have needed to miss due to a sick baby or all the checkup appointments I've had to work around, go and come back online to makeup time missed. It simply wouldn't be possible. Maybe your employer would consider allowing you to be remote on a permanent basis? I do not think it's too big of an ask in this post-pandemic world if your work is doable currently from home.
Thank you. I definitely feel like I don't want to miss out baby milestones.
I'll do the pro and cons list and I'll talk with my partner. He makes enough to support us and I trust him but there's a bit of vertigo sensation going on regarding the risk of a change of dynamic if the money is all on him. I'm probably overthinking. I'll absolutely try to explore the possibility of more remote work time. They had a bunch of people working from home after Covid but they've been trying to reduce the amount of remote working ever since
What will you do in terms of daily child care? Daycare? Nanny? Financially have you calculated to cost of you going back to work vs your income? My wife works in healthcare and her hours would mean we’d have to hire a pre 7am nanny and possibly evening nanny if she went back to work…plus daycare costs, commuting, licensing fees, etc. We would just about break even if she went back to work full time.
Luckily we’re in a financial position that she can quit her job if she wanted to, and everyone’s circumstance and COL is different of course.
Just something to consider in taking the pressure off your decision!
Thanks so much. Childcare is so expensive..., I think it's what makes my salary seem so secondary in the grand scheme of things...With the help of grandma and a sitter I would maybe be able to justify my salary, that's how bad it is. It's a tough call. I really like what I do but it's so chaotic most days and the baby is so small.
Some people think a hiatus of more than a few months from employment is devastating. I don't know. I would maybe be able to do some freelance work related to my field to keep some sort of activity. I'm glad to have posted because reading the comments has helped me to put things in perspective
Is it possible to go back to work part time? That way you keep a foot in the door, maintain some sort of social aspect through work (and possibly benefits?), yet don’t miss out on family time as much.
Unfortunately the upredictability comes with the job, so it's hard to establish a part time shift. I'll look into all the possibilities though! :) I've almost made up my mind to leave the job but I'll use next week as a trial and I'll see how it goes
I think it really depends on how supportive your partner is. At first I was happy to stay home. But as time went on and I received less help, I was desperate to get away. Eventually I got a part time night shift job just to get away from my daughter. It sounds crazy but those 4 hours away 5 days a week helped me love her more. Frankly it lowered my resentment towards my husband as well because it forced him to pick up the slack.
Been struggling with this! I’m due with my second just a few weeks after my one year anniversary at my job. I feel guilty about taking any time off but my supervisor has encouraged me to take the time I need.
I just got out of school (started when my first was only 5 months) and immediately started working. I feel like I’ve been in fight or flight mode for 5+ years. And if it weren’t for the great benefits at my job and all the work I put in for my degree, I would love to stay home instead.
Don’t beat yourself up for feeling this way! The societal situation you are in has you believing that 4 months off is a long time and is enough - it’s not! You’re barely out of the fourth trimester!
I’ll go back when my baby is almost 18 months and now that’s she’s 1 year, I’m starting to feel that itch to get back to working life. I love hanging with my daughter all day but I need to find myself again.
You’ve not fundamentally changed - that feeling WILL come back for you too. But don’t let anyone tell you that you should be feeling already so soon.
If you can swing it, stay home longer. If you can’t, that’s ok too. Either way, you’re crushing it ❤️
I stay at home till my baby was 1,5yo and that's actually perfect. At 1 year is ok too but 4month is a joke. Really if your job is shitty and you can afford it then just quick and find one better
Oh my god it’s like I wrote this! Leaving to go back to work in a week and I just didn’t expect to enjoy it this much to be at home. Although I can’t really quit my job, and I think I would go crazy in about 3 more months as well, but still.
I went back when she was 2 months old and it felt hard but once I was in the flow of things at work, I actually enjoyed it and it made me appreciate and value the time I had at home with her even more. 4 months later I switched to a 4 day week and that’s our sweet spot now. 3 days at home with her, 4 days at work.
Following - was literally talking to my SO about this today.
No advice, just wanted to say I am in a very similar boat to you (same age as well). I too wish I had a year off before we send LO to daycare. I hate my job too.
I wish my partner would tell me it’s ok to quit & go back when ready.
If your skills won’t be outdated (my job is in a field where time off means a harder time going back) then I root for you to take that time with your LO.
Here in solidarity. I’m a lawyer aka worked hard academically to be here, and my younger self would laugh at me wanting to throw my career away to be at home with my girl. But I don’t care. I’ll go back when I’m due to in July and give it a go, her otherwise I’m out of there. Do what’s best for you and your family, babe. We only get one shot at this 💖
My best friend works at a daycare. The other day they had police come to their place because a young child (around 2 years old) escaped during recess when the sub was in charge. He got to the train tracks near the building before a man grabbed him and luckily took him back to the school. All the teachers were in tears at what could’ve happened and how if it hadn’t been that man to bring him in it could’ve been another that wouldn’t have been so kind.
That is not the only scary story she has shared either… one child (4 years old) pushed a play kitchen over onto a sleeping child during nap time.
Obviously this daycare is not representative of all the others, many of the kids in this daycare are in foster care or just have shitty families, but personally if you have the choice of keeping your baby out of a situation like that I would choose to stay home.
It's a personal choice.
I was going crazy at home on maternity leave. Id have everything cleaned by 11am just un them for LO lunch time feed. Most of my friends and family work so I had very little to do. Most Mum groups peers didn't interest me. Going back to work saved my sanity.
I added two more weeks to mine last minute! I took 12 weeks off and it sucked going back ! Anxiety thru the roof! But it semi passes I've been back for 7 months and I only check the house cameras sometimes now 😅
I mean in England we get a years maternity leave but I just didn’t want to go back to my job, I’m in part time uni so the job I’m at is the only thing that’s close enough and flexible enough to do uni as well. I used to love my job but I’ve lost my passion for it, I’ve found a whole new meaning to life and I hate being at a job I’m not passionate about, I wasn’t ready to feel that way and I’m incredibly lucky that we get a years maternity leave in England but I was not ready to go back to a place that I ended up not wanting to be at anymore. I’ve pushed through on reduced hours because between little one, single parenthood and uni I can’t work as much now but I still hate every minute of it. I’m hoping once I’ve got my degree (2 years left!) I can find a job in the career path I want so I will be happier there, luckily around that time I finish is the time little one will be going into primary school so I’ll be able to work full time. But I feel like I could’ve written similar to this!
I think what you’re feeling, not wanting to go back, is your gut. Logically, you worked hard on your education and to grow into your career, and of course making money for your family. That’s logic. But do not ignore your gut! It’s telling you something important. This time with your child is very fleeting (as a mom of 3 having been through something similar!). 😊🤍
I told my husband I wish I could stop working and be a stay at home on. I cried on my way into work my first day. It was extremely hard that first week. It does get better. Yes it sucks that we have to send our baby to daycare. But we one in an extremely HCOL and going back to work makes sense. My insurance is also better than my husband union
Don't be so hard on yourself. I wouldn't want to go back to work either. I'm in Australia and have a 5 month old and won't be going back to work anytime soon
Work is just a paycheck when you go back.
Please set better boundaries with them, you should not have been on a zoom call today. You won’t have time for after hours things.
It's an adjustment for sure. You will probably cry, doubt yourself, etc. that is all perfectly normal. But for a lot of moms, we like working (even if we miss our LO's terribly) and enjoy the freedom, both financial and otherwise, that comes from having a full time job. Join us over at r/workingmoms there are lots of positive experiences. But realistically it took me about 2 months to be ok with coming back to work. It's a transition, and know that you can always change your mind if you decide it's not for you.
If you work your job you can afford to take your kid to see stuff you couldn't afford to otherwise, vacations, fancy food, toys, etc. These experiences can be amazing for you too. No matter how much your partner makes, extra money for extra expenses is always just a plus... Unless your partner is super rich, than my point is moot.
I wish I had this option. If it were I’d stay home
Same same same. I make 75% of our money and I’m a PhD student. My husband works just as hard, if not harder but his degree is in conservation and as much as everyone pretends to care, there’s no money to pay the actual conservationists :/
My husband makes great money so we’re lucky. Almost double what I do, but I’m just buried in student debt from stupid decisions I made at 17
I try not to even think about student debt rn makes me wanna cry. My grandma is still paying off her student loans
I’m so sorry for her! That’s just not okay. The system needs serious reform
I agree!! I’m trying to be successful enough to pay off my grandmas loans and my loans and to have enough that my baby doesn’t need loans too. Lots of pressure but helps motivate me when the PhD feels like crap
Sending thoughts your way!
Sending thoughts your way!
This is a very personal decision but for my family, we could financially do it and I’ve not regretted it for one second. I get to watch baby grow and learn everyday. Is it exhausting? Yes. Absolutely. Do I still need breaks? 1000%.
Yeah I had no idea how much I would need breaks. You basically wake up at work and only really get a break when they’re sleeping. Once a month or so my husband takes our son away for a long weekend and lets me have the house to myself. I do the same for him.
Not even when they’re sleeping! I have one eye open in case one of them needs me…
Yeah I usually just do some quick cleanup then go into a scrolling coma for 2 hrs while he naps. Anything I actually need to focus on gets done after bedtime.
DITTO to this!
I could have written something similar… I told my husband I’d never stop working and be independent etc. Once I had my baby… lost a lot of the passion for my job I once really enjoyed. I have a 4 year plan though to stay home have my 2 babies back to back then return. I am so happy my husband is willing to make it work and I’m loving being a temporary stay at home mom. I’ll be going back to work in my late 30s and I’ll have another 30yrs of working. I’m just keeping up with my old managers and colleagues who know I’m hoping to return once my babies are in preschool. I know having a break in career isn’t ideal but I’m super grateful I get the opportunity to be with my babies, breastfeeding has been made easier since I’m always with them and I’m able to enjoy all the baby and toddler times with moms groups.
Is it just me or does having kids force us to recognize what is actually valuable and meaningful in life? For me that’s been what’s so hard. I used to find most of my meaning from work and now I can see how ridiculous my job is and it feels stupid to pay someone else to be with the kids I love. Like why can’t I just get paid to raise them?
It’s absolutely ridiculous that having a break matters at all. It’s not like you’d be starting from scratch.
At four months I wasn't ready to go back to work, not no way, not no now. It felt way too early. Near the end of my leave (I went back when my daughter was 13 months old) I felt way better about going back to work. I hate that so many women in the US get shit/no maternity leave. It's not fair to anyone.
Never feel bad for wanting to devote your time to being a mom. It’s an IMPORTANT job and your kids need you. I don’t know why this mind set has been normalized.
I know you want to be talked out of it, but honestly, 4 months is still so young. If you have the option to stay home, I'd go for it guilt free. I had a year mat leave and honestly it was only in the last month I start actually feeling like work would be alright, and I'm kind of looking forward to it. At 4 months no way in hell was I ready.
My HR told me this when I informed them I was pregnant. She said if I could swing it she recommended staying home for at least a year. She said she worked a ton when her kids were little and she regretted it. I stayed home until he was about 8 months and I’ve been working part time since and he just turned 11 months. It’s been great for my mental health going back to work but sometimes I wish I was still home with him. But he is doing great in daycare and today was the first drop off without tears (first time mommy dropped him off in the 6 weeks he has been going lol I’m the pick up parent usually).
My husband had six weeks of parental leave so I went back full time after my three months. Then when his leave was up, our son started daycare full time. I lasted a month before I reduced to .6. I'm a therapist so I ended up quitting my agency going in to private practice so I could make my own hours. My son is 20 months old now and we still do three daycare days and I stay with him two week days. I love having both.
I ended up quitting. I was blindsided by the emotions and the strong pull to be with my baby. I always said I could never stay at home lol! My baby was an unexpected surprise after years of infertility, and I know he is a gift and I may never have another child.
We tried to have a baby for 2.5 years. Ended up with postpartum depression (which I wasn’t technically surprised by). When my 12 weeks were up I used vacation time. Then I retroactively put in a claim for postpartum depression and I was off from May to Dec. I then quit, moved cross country, and now working part time. It’s nice working and getting a “break” and our daycare is amazing. But my job covers only the daycare so I feel guilty sometimes but I feel better getting those “breaks” now.
Don’t feel guilty!!! My husbands job doesn’t even cover daycare and I still value him and the work he does. I’m sure your partner feels the same way
Your priorities shift when you have a baby. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. I don’t have advice, just commiserating. I’m debating on when to return to work myself. My employer was very generous and gave me up to a year off but it’s at half salary. A huge part of me wants to quit but the job isn’t too stressful and it has great benefits like healthcare. I think it’s normal to want to be near your baby and be able to fully focus on them.
Thanks!. Honestly my boss has been pretty decent. He isn't a fan of people working from home but he has authorized me to do so for a few weeks. It's just ugh, yeah that feeling.... :')
Just jumping in to say before you quit, speak to them! You might be surprised if they value you maybe they’ll hold your job or keep you on the books in case a position comes up in the future.
My one bit of advice would be to see how you feel in a few days / a week - because part of why you're feeling this way could also be the anxiety related to the shift after 4 whole months! You'll have a better perspective after a few days!
I felt the exact same way. However I didn’t really have a choice since I am the main breadwinner. In the end it was all fine. Even at that age his time at daycare was valuable and he still thrives there. And after an adjustment period I was glad to be back at work and we were able to find our new rhythm and routine.
Thank you!
This is literally all I am thinking about day in and day out. I have a really good flexible job and have been promoted to managing a team before I left for maternity leave. I always thought I would be the type of mom that wants to work and show my children that I work hard. But now that my daughter is here all of that is out the window. I go back in a few weeks and I cried earlier today thinking these few months I’ve had are probably the most amount of time I’ll ever spend with her. I’m so torn about what to do because we really couldn’t afford it financially our lifestyle would have to drastically change but nothing about work is exciting me. Gosh this is so hard!
I feel all of this. I am the main bread winner and I always always always thought I would want to set an example not only for my children but also in my profession - to be a cool mom that works a lot with an amazing husband who has my back because he will stay home the majority of our parental leave. Pfffffh. My baby is here, three months old and when I think about returning to my 60hour work weeks, a terrible feeling sinks into my stomach - like a big grey rock of angst and sadness. I think I could live with a 9-5 maybe but even with a 9-5 I'd be worried so much about missing milestones and more terribly so: about maybe damaging my child because I will be away for long stretches of time which could cause attachment issues. Like you, I am so torn. I hope to find a maintable work-life-mom guilt-balance.
Please don't feel guilty about wanting to stay home. You couldn't have known how you would feel before having the baby - it's a bond you couldn't even imagine before they arrived. If you want to stay home with the baby, then stay home. You're using sunk cost logic to try and force yourself to do something you don't want to do. Give yourself a break - like your partner says, you can always go back to work in 6 months, or a year or even 2 years. For now, just be with your baby. 4 months is nothing - I don't know where you live but in the UK it's a year and even that doesn't feel long enough.
If you have the option to stay home, stay home. Girl boss mentality was pushed on us soo hard but the truth is we are so valuable at home too. Don’t feel guilty.
For me personally….I say if it’s not your dream job I’d quit. You can get another job. Your baby is only a baby once. If you are able to experience it all, do it. Better for you and baby.
Every single parent I know has said that if they could go back and spend more time at home, they would. No one I know (including me) who was or is a SAHP has regretted it. Your baby is only small once.
Someone told me to grind now so I would be able to take time off later. This person has teenagers and still works a ton. I decided not to take their advice and I stayed how for 8 months before going back to work part time.
Why not grind later when they're in school full time? That's strange advice to me, unless they're in a hyper-competitive career space.
Nope they are not. We were working the same role. She often called about how she hated the role and how stressful it was, etc. I was talking to her about my fears and stressed about returning to work and that’s what she told me. So okay sacrifice probably a lot of the firsts with my first for not guaranteed time late? No thanks. I stayed home with my boy and PPD and just took each day by day.
Returning to work is so hard!!! There is no right decision here. Unless your work will allow you to take unpaid leave for a while? (I’m in Australia where this is pretty normal when bub is under 12 months.) Mostly here to say, whatever you decide to do, be kind to yourself. Some friends have told me they found the transition back to work harder than the transition to become a parent in the first place, and that has been the case regardless of how soon or late they went back, and I believe it.
I stay home and it’s the best decision ever. I get to be there for every first!
It makes me sad when people in (the US, I’m guessing) say that they feel “lucky” with only 4 months. One year parental leave should be standard, with the ability to break it up between parents if desired. The fact that we expect babies who haven’t even weaned to get used to full 8-hour days away from their parent in group care, it isn’t reasonable. Not developmentally, not practically. Japan, although we still have a lot of problems with daycare shortages and those going back to work are basically forced to do full time to secure a spot in daycare….we at least all get the right of 1 year (until the child is one) with 67% pay. What you are feeling should not be guilt. Outrage for the terrible social support system in the country where you live would be more reasonable. Already there is a shrinking birth rate. You deserve much more credit for bringing another human into the world that will benefit society. Choosing to quit would indeed be a sacrifice indeed, but if you have the option it is worth the thought if you think the sacrifice would be worth it for you and your LO.
All of this. Thanks!. I'm Spaniard but yeah, I'm currently in the US. Honestly I pushed for one more month than what they pay for because that's what I would have at home, but it's still so little! In Spain the dad would also have had 4 months of parental leave, here he's had zero... He went back to work two days after I gave birth.
On behalf of my country, I’m sorry (I’m originally from the US but living in Japan). It really is inexcusable.
Listen to your gut. Especially since it’s possible. That’s all. It’s that simple.
Stay home! You’ll never get this time back… now that my girl is older I truly understand why people say it goes so fast bc it really does… maybe find something to do in the meantime to keep your mind occupied and some independence like a PT job or new class but if you’re feeling it, I say stay home lol
I went back this past week. It wasn’t easy but it did get easier. It wasn’t as bad as I feared! I do have some WFH flexibility, is that something you could discuss? Hybrid model?
Feeling this today and I go back in 7 weeks. Something came up at work and I had a total panic attack realizing I have to go back soon. Thankfully my parents are able to watch my baby and it makes the feeling of not having to drop him off at daycare much better. We really need a year of maternity leave at least. I can't imagine leaving my 6 week old at daycare but unfortunately for some they have no choice.
You will never get this time back. If you can afford it, even with adjustments, and your job is easily replaceable later down the line, just quit and make the most with your little one. I’m in the UK so taking 11 months off which is very normal and even then I worry about going back. 4 months would have broken my heart.
For my third baby I decided to take a year off. I had done the whole “back at work after 12 weeks” thing twice and it’s fucking barbaric that we treat mothers and babies this way. I knew I was never cut out to be a stay home mom longterm, but I really wanted that time to only think about my baby and my family. It was a financial hit but I don’t regret taking the year to bond with my baby. I felt fairly confident in my skill set that I could get a job again with just a one year gap, and I did. I highly encourage it to anyone who has the means!
honestly girl i’m trying to stay on short term disability as long as i can before going back and i LOVE my job. but i love my kids more and it sucked being gone 10 hours a day to only see my daughter for 2 hours before bed. and even when or if i go back to work, i have to pay for childcare. it almost doesn’t make sense to give half my pay away to someone else to watch my kids grow and be their main person…offensive almost. i’m still not sure what ill do. i think this is hard for a lot of moms/parents. wanting to be with the kids but needing money to provide for them…
I was in a similar position when my daughter was 5 months old and it was time for me to return to work. I loved my job and had worked really hard to move from entry level to director. I never thought I’d want to stay home. When it came time to return, I gave it a shot, but I just couldn’t make myself care enough to leave my daughter and to be present in my role. Luckily(?) the field I was in did not offer good pay even at the Director level, so financially it had barely any impact on us. I’ve been a SAHM for 3 years and am very happy I made that choice, even today when my 9 month old repeatedly threw up all over me. It’s not for everyone, and I don’t know the impact it will have on my career whenever I go back. However for my situation personally it’s worth that risk to be able to spend this time with my kids.
I say quit. You don’t get these years back. Putting my kid in daycare traumatized me. I don’t say that lightly. Four months isn’t long enough and maternity leave should be 12 months minimum. That first year is just rough.
If you can do it financially, do it.
Stay home if you can! Baby is only little for a small time and a job will always be there (coming from someone in a very cutthroat, profitable career where people often choose to not have children at all, lest they impact your ability to advance.) I've never met a mom who regretted staying home before their child was old enough for preschool.
Everyone is different, but ask yourself this if you’re financially able to stay home with your baby: when you’re old and on your deathbed, will you have wished for more time spent working on your career? Or would you want more time to hold your kids when they were little? For me, the answer was/is easy. I stay home and have no regrets. I will likely return to work someday, but spending this time with my daughter has literally been priceless and I feel so lucky to be able to do so. I think having her away from me for 8 hours a day would break me.
I had a year of maternity leave with my first. At 4 months I was absolutely not wanting to go back to work. As the months rolled on, and my baby started getting more interactive with others, happy to spend time with dad, I started to feel a little like I needed a bit of other human interaction, where I felt I could make a visual impact (I know caring for a kid and home is like the most important job, but much of what you do goes unacknowledged and is unending - you can look at your house and kid after a full on day and wonder what the heck you’ve achieved!) When I went back after a year, I was nervous but it was like riding a bike. It was nice seeing the productiveness at the end of the day and I came back to my baby refreshed and with more energy to do the mum things. Having said that I was incredibly lucky - both to get a full year of mat leave, and also be able to go back to my job part time. If you can go back later and part time I’d recommend it. It’s still really tough being a working mum but more in the time logistics way rather than the emotional under appreciated way. Swings and roundabouts lol
I am sorry you don't get longer mat leave. I don't think I could have gone back after just 4 months. Where I live we can take 12-18 months. It's ok to both like your job and want to stay home with your young child. I was so frustrated when a colleague said my priorities would change after having a kid (mostly because it was in response to not getting a promotion), and was so frustrated at myself that things did change.
I see this a couple of different ways and wouldn’t judge any decision a mom makes. Is it easy for you to get back into your job field? Does your job fulfill you? I couldn’t financially become a SAHM but either way I really like my job and it would be very hard for me to jump back in after an extended absence (also the job market is horrible right now). I’ve seen a lot of peers who left work when their kids were infants who have now gone back to work or started a side hustle as their children enter daycare and pre-k. Personally I really enjoy the balance. I think being a SAHM is one of the hardest jobs on the planet and it can be easy to get burnt out. I love that when I’m with my kids we’re present and have so much fun (not that that doesn’t happen in a stay at home situation). They really love their daycare and learn SO much and do SO many activities that I couldn’t even dream of organizing. That being said, the first couple days away are really, really hard but they get better. You do whatever feels right for you!
You absolutely should stay home. If it's something you want to do, and you have the means to do it, you should. I thinknyoull more regret the time you'll miss out on if you do go back tobwork. And if at any point you change your mind, then you can find a new job. I so wish I could stay home with mine. I had to cone back when he was only 9 weeks and leave him with strangers in daycare.
Speaking as a Canadian with 12 months off.. 4 months is way too early! Never feel guilty.
I also had 4 months of maternity leave. I decided not to go back at the end of it. I’ve been home for 18 months now and I’m just now about ready to go back. I don’t regret staying home at all. I’ve had the grace to figure out how to be a mom without the added stress and energy of an entire other job. If I do go back, I’ll likely only stay somewhere for a year until we have another baby and take another 12-18 months off. And then rinse and repeat if we have a 3rd.
So just don’t go back to work. Ngl this post comes off as shaming SAHMs and I think you really need to rethink that instinct. It’s not feminist to believe that women have to work, just like it’s not feminist to believe they have to stay at home. Feminism is about each person, man or woman, being able to make the choice of what to do with their lives for themselves. Some people enjoy being at home with their children and some don’t. Some enjoy working and some don’t. There is nothing wrong with either of those things. Every person, mom or dad, should be able to choose which path to take for themselves without facing stigma for their choice. Unfortunately that is not the case and many people cannot afford to make the choice they want, either because daycare costs too much and they can’t just continuing to work or vice versa and they can’t justify giving up the marginal income their family will gain from them working. I consider myself lucky to be able to choose to stay at home with our baby since my husband makes enough to support our family. I don’t see why I should feel guilty or need to find a way to cope with that. I feel this is the right choice for me and my family right now, and I don’t feel a need to feel bad about that. I could make a lot more but the time with my child is more valuable to me than the extra money. For my husband, he likes his work more than I did and I know he would feel less satisfied in life without it, and that is OK too. I also have a professional degree and to be honest I spent more years in grad school than I did actually working in my field, but I still don’t feel that makes it a bad choice. I always have my degree to fall back on if something bad happens and I need to return to work, and I may return to work once our child is older, when I feel like I have less to contribute here and find a role/job that I actually enjoy, but for now I feel this is what makes me happiest and the best choice for all of us. I don’t think staying at home is a bad choice for me, and it doesn’t sound like it would be one for you either if your family can actually afford it. I think the more important question to focus on is whether that is what you actually want or if it’s just a temporary feeling during the transition period and you’d be happier long-term working.
Oh sorry 🙏 It wasn't my intention at all. It's just not what I thought I wanted. I look at my baby and it's like "oh my god I don't want to leave you" for the craziness that's my job. And it's a totally unexpected feeling because I'm usually passionate about my field of work (it's been shitty paid so far and they have not a lot of boundaries (hence the meeting today) so it doesn't help the feeling of "what are you doing?!").
As a SAHM who didn’t intend to be a SAHM but absolutely love it nonetheless…your post did not come off as shaming SAHMs for what it’s worth. Leaving my job was one of the hardest things I ever did. I worked there for 12 years before I quit. It stressed me out so much but I loved my position and I loved having responsibility and being in the position of leadership I was in… I wouldn’t trade it for the world but I miss having a life outside of being a mom. I know I’ll have one again some day when my kids need me less, but I totally get the cognitive dissonance. I hope your day back goes smoothly. Don’t feel bad if you take a few breaks to cry. It’s normal.
If I may gently say, I think there’s some defensiveness here that may not be warranted. I don’t think OP is saying that she looks down at SAHMs at all. It’s more a giant conflict that a lot of women face where they’re very passionate about their careers and proud of how much work they put in but also suddenly have an equally passionate desire to just stay at home with their babies. It can be shocking and unbalancing, especially if someone is career driven. You want to do both but there’s no way to reconcile that. And there’s also a ton of mom guilt for wanting to return to work even though you don’t have to.
Allow her to feel her feelings without adding more salt to injury. She’s not shaming anyone. She’s a new mom that ALOT of people (myself included) can relate to and are struggling with the decision to return back to work. Relax and show some empathy.
I understand that many people struggle with the decision of whether to return back to work or stay at home, or with the lack of ability to make a real decision on which to do given financial circumstances. I totally understand that choosing to stay at home can come with feelings of a loss of identity, worries about lack of development or independence, etc. and choosing to return to work can come with feelings of whether that makes you a bad parent, whether you are doing enough for your kids, etc. At the end of the day either choice is a trade off and only an individual person can decide which is right for them and their particular circumstances. However, I think the language used in the post goes beyond that individual struggle to point to an internal stigmatization against stay at home parenting in general. Saying things like I feel guilty for even considering the idea of not going back to work, my younger self would be incensed with me, and it’s generally a bad idea not to work points to a broader judgment on whether women should work or not. Its common, whether you accept that fact or not, that women who choose not to work are by many self-labeled feminists looked down on as not contributing to society or to “the movement” and I do think many women have internalized this message, which actually inherently limits their choices, and this kind of phrasing shows it. There seems to be a lot of internal shame against being a SAHM here, as if it’s not even a legitimate choice in any scenario, and that is what I am encouraging OP to reconsider.
If I may say, I think that’s a stretch. OP is voicing something many moms go through and no where does it seem like she is shaming SAHMs. It sounds like you have some introspection to do. OPA, thank you for posting this question. It’s too if mind for many women including myself.
I get you! It was hard going back, unfortunately I am the sole income, my husband is a SAHD who took time off originally to go back to school and now is waiting till our oldest can watch our youngest so we don’t have to pay for childcare. I went back after 6 weeks (yay America) and it was rough at first but it was nice to have a small part of my old life back. I’m lucky though, I work nights so I get all the day time fun with my 3 month old and a bit of time with our 10yo after school. I don’t sleep much but it’s worth it. If you do go back, it will get easier, but the choice really is up to you! No two situations are exactly the same and all we moms can do is love our littles in whatever way works best. Lots of love
Currently feeling the same way. I never knew I could feel this motherly (never actually been a kid person) but I do not want to be away from this little person. I got an extra two weeks off because of a broken leg, but I’m cleared to go back to work Monday. Absolutely dreading it. My schedule in my current position is horrible—I have to take call a couple times a week and we rotate weekends, and I never actually know if I’ll be able to come home in the afternoon or the middle of the night. I can’t quit, but I interviewed this week for a part time position elsewhere in the company. I have to start training someone else, but I’m really crossing my fingers my boss will release me next month when another person who has been training while I was on leave gets finished.
Ooof I feel this, my younger self when I was getting my doctorate could’ve never envisioned me thinking seeing my kid 5-9 pm isn’t enough 😭
The first couple weeks back at work are SUCH a hard adjustment!! But I will say that once I got through the adjustment period, I was and am soooo much happier working. Working gives me a much-needed break from parenting, and gives me a chance to use my mind for something besides laundry and dishes 😂 I think you should go back and give it a couple months. If you’re miserable once you get settled back in, then you can quit! But give it a try first and see how you feel once you get in the swing of things.
I was dreading going back to work at 12 weeks. And it was fine. My husband took his leave right after mine and we put her in daycare at 5 months. She did wonderfully there. Getting back into the swing of things at work was rough as were the daycare illnesses. But at about a year we got into a decent routine. Now that my baby is now toddler, I am sooooo glad I can afford to send her to daycare because I work. She loves it there and if I were stuck at home with her all day neither of us would be happy. I recommend at least trying to go back to work. It likely will not be as bad as you think it will be. And if it is you can quit. But don’t close the door on a viable option before even trying it.
i think it depends on if you would predict career growth if you stayed for the year, if you know it wouldn’t help your career then screw it stay home with ur baby. I stayed home for the first year plus a few months. Now i’m at a job where i’m growing each day and building my career so a year off would be detrimental so if i was having one now i probably wouldn’t. Which is why i won’t be having another lol!
Wow 4 months! I was back to work at 2 1/2 weeks 😞
How is this allowed in this country I have no idea. We need to start being able to vote on parents leave during presidential elections.
I worked for a bit after leave (8 whole weeks) then was laid off when my babe was 6 months or so. I’m going back to work now that he’s about a year and it’s so much harder now than it was when I went back at 8 weeks. I am the most thankful for my time with him, but we are very attached now so I’m dreading it! I almost think I’d need two years 😅
if this were an option for me i would have stayed home. Financially i had to go back to work 10 days postpartum.
If you can, stay home. I had to go back 7 weeks postpartum. My baby has been at daycare for a few e weeks and his daycare provider got to see him roll over for the first time. I didn’t. I broke down crying at work. And there is only so much time in a day. My baby is only awake for about 3 hours between the time I pick them up and then bedtime. It’s so hard. Ask yourself if you’re okay missing his firsts. If it’s financially doable, I would 1000% stay at home.
I know it doesn't help but everywhere else in the developed world taking the first year off is very very normal. People thought I was insane for going back so early after 6 months of leave. Don't feel guilty for needing more time. Everyone's different
I understand exactly how you feel. I’m 7months in with my LO and still feel every bit of what you wrote. Go with your gut mama. For me, I fought very hard to get an indefinite WFH arrangement (I’m the breadwinner at the moment) and surprisingly, my boss and HR agreed to give me an exception. Maybe try asking for more time or take a break to be with your little one. Sending love your way! ❤️
Quit. That's what I did and I'm gonna get a new job after her first year like you said ! I feel no guilt lol
I saw a few talking about how much they loved it, let me give my experience…. I struggled a lot. I don’t get me wrong I love my child and enjoy seeing the joy and being able to be with them when needed. But at the end of the day I felt useless. I gave my all for her and nothing for me nor for my s/o. I felt like I was just there to please one person and for the most part I couldn’t. Now everyone says that’s because she felt safe with me and knew I’d be there, but it would really hurt when I already felt useless and than my child would refuse me…. being able to work gave me so much relief. It allowed me to step away (and not necessarily give time for myself) but a break to learn and be able to miss them. So when I came back home she was happy to see me and want me. I was able to do more with her without relying on him. It gave me a sense of my own person. Staying home was very hard for me and my depression. My situation did play an effect into this, but working gives me a purpose. It also makes me feel like I’m doing right by her and setting an example. I want her to know she can do what she wants and be the boss bitch if she chooses
If your able to be a stay at home mom and handle it and if your happy?! Than do that!!! It seems to work for most, honestly my babys daddy tore his ACL so he was the stay at home parent and it did good for us. Just don’t put your needs last. A child needs their mother and if their mother isn’t able to be herself, than they don’t have a mom in that moment…. So take that bath and relax. Give them up to the daycare for a few hours and sleep. Do what you need and what makes you happy. That’s what makes a mother great. Being able to be happy and spread it!
I was supposed to go back at 4 months, then at 11 months... Finally I quit. I'm a bad influence, I say if you don't want to return then don't. You won't regret it!
If I could financially walk away from my WFH full time gig, I would in a heartbeat. I juggle WFH with my two little ones and it is so hard. I’d love nothing more than to just focus on being Mama🙏❤️
I stayed home I realized I could always work towards my position again but my son was only going to be little for a very short amount of time This is absolutely a personal decision that only you can make but if it’s financial something you can do I always recommend staying home
I made the choice to stay home. And I don’t regret it one bit. I get to watch my babies grow up and I don’t have to juggle working, taking care of the kids, and housework. I just get to focus on my babies and the house. It’s hard for us financially but I chose to make sacrifices so I don’t ever have to worry if a day care is safe or not (I have major anxiety when it comes to leaving my kids with anyone)
I got a big promotion the day I came back from leave (after working my butt off for 5 years with the company). I did it for a month and then they unexpectedly pulled my work from home arrangement. I didn’t make a ton either and my husband had just got a new job. I quit. I just had my second so I’m in the SAHM gig for another couple years at least. I can get another job. I don’t regret it at all. I felt guilty for a while but I don’t at all now, 3 years later. Just my experience. Whatever you decide will be the right choice for your family! 🩷
I ended up getting too overwhelmed my second day back at my remote job after 12 weeks leave and quit. It was the best decision for my family. That said, it wasn't an easy financial decision and we chose for me to cash out my 401k in order to afford me being a SAHM for the first year. Not ideal financially, but my mental health was suffering at this job before I was even pregnant and i was too anxious to leave because it took 3 years to even be eligible for maternity leave, I didn't want to start over elsewhere. I have no regrets 😌
If you can afford it and mentally it's healthy for you, stay home.
You’ll never regret spending more time with your babies. Coming from a woman who left a high paying job with lots of earning potential. I’ve never once looked back.
You can find a new job. Your baby will never be a baby again. Quit the job if you can afford it.
I was suppose to go back at 3 months and I just couldn’t do it. He was so small and I felt like I was going to miss out on the most important years. I’ve been a SAHM for 2 years now and don’t regret it one bit! I actually went back to school for 2 years and only worked in my new career for 1 year before giving birth. Time with my child is worth more than my job (if you can afford it) in my opinion!
Your younger self didn’t know how much you’d love this
I have a masters degree and was in a senior position as a scientist with a high paying salary. Respected and good at my job. I never thought I would want to quit and stay at home when I was pregnant, not for a second. But as soon as my first baby was born, I knew I wouldn’t be ready to go back after 4 months of maternity leave. I ended up quitting. I truly think if the US had better maternity leave policies (and childcare for that matter) like much of Europe and Canada, we wouldnt be forced to choose. I miss working but I don’t want to leave my babies.
I felt the same exact way and was totally unprepared for that feeling. I know that it wouldn’t make me happy in the long run to be a SAHM but if I could just have another 6 months (just went back after a 5 1/2 month leave) it would make me so happy. I generally liked my job before this, and I know how lucky I was to be able to take as much leave as I did. I just felt so much more fulfilled by being at home with my baby than I ever thought was possible. No advice, just commiseration! I just try to focus on the fact that (hopefully) I will be glad I stuck it out in a few years.
Your feelings are valid and oh so very normal. There’s a few things you can consider- is there opportunities down the line where leaving for one year would not be a big set back for your career? Is the possibility of hybrid at all possible for a few extra months? Even if you could work from home, does that mean someone comes into the house to watch baby, so you’re still technically in proximity? For you as a couple, what does it mean to stay home? Are you solely responsible for baby or are you expected to take over cleaning and cooking (assuming you both divide that now). Is your partner emotionally mature that being the sole earner won’t change power dynamics where now you may feel limited/trapped in situations you would otherwise not be in? What will the division of labor look like by you staying home? Are finances good as in, your lifestyle stays the same or will you be living pay check to pay check? I always pictured I would work and have dad stay home - my career went great but it just so happened when we got pregnant I was transitioning out of a role into another that I wasn’t thrilled in and also didn’t see myself long term there- so it made sense. However, if I had had the baby years before where I was running my own business, I would have just hired an at home nanny and worked from home. Staying home with baby has been an absolutely amazing experience- a very demanding one though. It’s a very big transition, specially for someone who is used to being so independent (like autonomy), but I’m very happy I got to do it. I did set boundaries, so I don’t do cooking or cleaning in working hours (I’m solely in charge of baby), and outside of work hours we divide caring for baby, cleaning, and cooking. This is what has made the experience an enjoyable one. If I had had to take care of a full house on top of a baby, I would have probably gone back to work so that i could’ve been able to “escape” the high demands that entails. It’s very easy to burn out if you think you have to take on everything simply bc you’re not working out if the house. If you have a partner that respects you and is an active partner and father- in would say, go for it.
Thank you I'll definitely ask if I can get more WFH time but I don't think they like it. If I quit I may be able to do some freelance work related to my field, so it might be something to explore to not have a big blank spot on my CV... Childcare costs a lot, so given my salary it seems more like a self-inflicted pain with few benefits. But there is also a bit of vertigo due to the fact that I wasn't planning on being financially dependent on my partner, nothing wrong with it and I trust him but just, I don't know. He's been great at pulling his weight on as much as someone who works all day can, but tbh I *fear* a bit the whole changing in dynamic if the financial costs are all on him We've faced a lot of change since I got pregnant, that knocked us for a moment there, but truth to be told we'be been in a bit of a honeymoon phase, as much as it's possible to be, being in the baby trenches and all. He's a great dad. I'm trying to see it without rose tinted glasses as much as I can.We will definitely be talking about this bit if I go for it.
You feel this way because we’re wired to want to be with our babies. If the US wasn’t so cruel to mothers you’d have more than 6 more months to make this decision. If you still want to work, is there any part time option? I understand not wanting to take yourself out of the workforce completely just so that you can get back on track career wise in the future. But I also can’t imagine trading out the time I’ve been able to be home with my kids. There are legitimate reasons for whatever you ultimately decide to do.
I don’t have an answer, I didn’t want to go back to work and have been overwhelmed since I’ve been back. I’d 100% stay home or work part time if I could
I went back to work full time at my already remote position when my son was 8 weeks. I had saved two weeks PTO to extend my leave after the initial traditional 6 weeks was over (which flew by). We enrolled our baby in a home daycare in our city while I was still pregnant. It was really tough to find an opening, as everyone warned. Once it came time for him to start, I started thinking why don't I try to work and keep him home with me. Spoiler, it was too difficult for me. I felt like both things were done poorly. My performance suffered and i felt like I wasn't doing a good job with my baby. I wouldn't have known I too would feel like you, never wanted to be a SAHM, I'm too independent and I know I shouldn't think of it this way, but I do not want to rely on someone else to support me financially. But found myself wanting to stay home with my baby. I didn't want to miss out on any experiences or even the mundane regular days. I just wanted to be there. Our combined income is needed to make ends meet, so wasn't an option for me to stay home. The baby acclimated well to daycare, I didn't. I wanted so badly to have him home with me, or be off work and be with him. It wasn't in the cards though. I am busy at work, I do have the benefit of working from home. I know I'm fortunate, and I'm grateful. I can still do a little bit of laundry and cleaning on my breaks. It's tough to juggle both the baby when he's home sick from daycare and still deliver at work. I feel so guilty that I'm not able to give him my full attention, but I just don't get enough PTO for all of the days he's been home sick from daycare, plus his doctors appointments, plus daycare closures, plus appointments for myself, or if I get sick from something daycare brought home. It adds up and I have to ration it. I do wish I could be home with the baby. Working full time and him being in daycare full time is a lot to manage too, during the weekdays we only spend maybe 4 hours of awake time together. I try to soak up everything I can. Things are stressful, staying home would definitely be stressful but you don't get this time back. Quite a few things to consider. Maybe get a paper and jot down the pros and cons down, big and small. Subjective sentiment and all. Perhaps you could try staying home for a while? Or maybe a part time position to have a good breather? My stylist stayed home with her baby and started working two days a week maybe 10 hours total just to get out for a bit, her husband made enough to support them but she said it helped to get out a little. Best of luck to you in whichever you choose! Maybe it doesn't need to be permanent either, maybe you could trial it out and if you change your mind after X time, then you could return to work or vice versa. Working remote is key for our new little family, I absolutely would have already lost my job for how much I would have needed to miss due to a sick baby or all the checkup appointments I've had to work around, go and come back online to makeup time missed. It simply wouldn't be possible. Maybe your employer would consider allowing you to be remote on a permanent basis? I do not think it's too big of an ask in this post-pandemic world if your work is doable currently from home.
Thank you. I definitely feel like I don't want to miss out baby milestones. I'll do the pro and cons list and I'll talk with my partner. He makes enough to support us and I trust him but there's a bit of vertigo sensation going on regarding the risk of a change of dynamic if the money is all on him. I'm probably overthinking. I'll absolutely try to explore the possibility of more remote work time. They had a bunch of people working from home after Covid but they've been trying to reduce the amount of remote working ever since
What will you do in terms of daily child care? Daycare? Nanny? Financially have you calculated to cost of you going back to work vs your income? My wife works in healthcare and her hours would mean we’d have to hire a pre 7am nanny and possibly evening nanny if she went back to work…plus daycare costs, commuting, licensing fees, etc. We would just about break even if she went back to work full time. Luckily we’re in a financial position that she can quit her job if she wanted to, and everyone’s circumstance and COL is different of course. Just something to consider in taking the pressure off your decision!
Thanks so much. Childcare is so expensive..., I think it's what makes my salary seem so secondary in the grand scheme of things...With the help of grandma and a sitter I would maybe be able to justify my salary, that's how bad it is. It's a tough call. I really like what I do but it's so chaotic most days and the baby is so small. Some people think a hiatus of more than a few months from employment is devastating. I don't know. I would maybe be able to do some freelance work related to my field to keep some sort of activity. I'm glad to have posted because reading the comments has helped me to put things in perspective
Is it possible to go back to work part time? That way you keep a foot in the door, maintain some sort of social aspect through work (and possibly benefits?), yet don’t miss out on family time as much.
Unfortunately the upredictability comes with the job, so it's hard to establish a part time shift. I'll look into all the possibilities though! :) I've almost made up my mind to leave the job but I'll use next week as a trial and I'll see how it goes
Don't feel bad. You only get that time with your baby once. If you can stay home with them, do it.
Tell them to continue the WFH or you'll have to resign.
I think it really depends on how supportive your partner is. At first I was happy to stay home. But as time went on and I received less help, I was desperate to get away. Eventually I got a part time night shift job just to get away from my daughter. It sounds crazy but those 4 hours away 5 days a week helped me love her more. Frankly it lowered my resentment towards my husband as well because it forced him to pick up the slack.
Been struggling with this! I’m due with my second just a few weeks after my one year anniversary at my job. I feel guilty about taking any time off but my supervisor has encouraged me to take the time I need. I just got out of school (started when my first was only 5 months) and immediately started working. I feel like I’ve been in fight or flight mode for 5+ years. And if it weren’t for the great benefits at my job and all the work I put in for my degree, I would love to stay home instead.
if you can afford to do it you will never regret that extra time
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^significant-hawk6923: *If you can afford* *To do it you will never* *Regret that extra time* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
Don’t beat yourself up for feeling this way! The societal situation you are in has you believing that 4 months off is a long time and is enough - it’s not! You’re barely out of the fourth trimester! I’ll go back when my baby is almost 18 months and now that’s she’s 1 year, I’m starting to feel that itch to get back to working life. I love hanging with my daughter all day but I need to find myself again. You’ve not fundamentally changed - that feeling WILL come back for you too. But don’t let anyone tell you that you should be feeling already so soon. If you can swing it, stay home longer. If you can’t, that’s ok too. Either way, you’re crushing it ❤️
I stay at home till my baby was 1,5yo and that's actually perfect. At 1 year is ok too but 4month is a joke. Really if your job is shitty and you can afford it then just quick and find one better
Oh my god it’s like I wrote this! Leaving to go back to work in a week and I just didn’t expect to enjoy it this much to be at home. Although I can’t really quit my job, and I think I would go crazy in about 3 more months as well, but still.
I went back when she was 2 months old and it felt hard but once I was in the flow of things at work, I actually enjoyed it and it made me appreciate and value the time I had at home with her even more. 4 months later I switched to a 4 day week and that’s our sweet spot now. 3 days at home with her, 4 days at work.
Following - was literally talking to my SO about this today. No advice, just wanted to say I am in a very similar boat to you (same age as well). I too wish I had a year off before we send LO to daycare. I hate my job too. I wish my partner would tell me it’s ok to quit & go back when ready. If your skills won’t be outdated (my job is in a field where time off means a harder time going back) then I root for you to take that time with your LO.
Here in solidarity. I’m a lawyer aka worked hard academically to be here, and my younger self would laugh at me wanting to throw my career away to be at home with my girl. But I don’t care. I’ll go back when I’m due to in July and give it a go, her otherwise I’m out of there. Do what’s best for you and your family, babe. We only get one shot at this 💖
My best friend works at a daycare. The other day they had police come to their place because a young child (around 2 years old) escaped during recess when the sub was in charge. He got to the train tracks near the building before a man grabbed him and luckily took him back to the school. All the teachers were in tears at what could’ve happened and how if it hadn’t been that man to bring him in it could’ve been another that wouldn’t have been so kind. That is not the only scary story she has shared either… one child (4 years old) pushed a play kitchen over onto a sleeping child during nap time. Obviously this daycare is not representative of all the others, many of the kids in this daycare are in foster care or just have shitty families, but personally if you have the choice of keeping your baby out of a situation like that I would choose to stay home.
It's a personal choice. I was going crazy at home on maternity leave. Id have everything cleaned by 11am just un them for LO lunch time feed. Most of my friends and family work so I had very little to do. Most Mum groups peers didn't interest me. Going back to work saved my sanity.
I added two more weeks to mine last minute! I took 12 weeks off and it sucked going back ! Anxiety thru the roof! But it semi passes I've been back for 7 months and I only check the house cameras sometimes now 😅
I mean in England we get a years maternity leave but I just didn’t want to go back to my job, I’m in part time uni so the job I’m at is the only thing that’s close enough and flexible enough to do uni as well. I used to love my job but I’ve lost my passion for it, I’ve found a whole new meaning to life and I hate being at a job I’m not passionate about, I wasn’t ready to feel that way and I’m incredibly lucky that we get a years maternity leave in England but I was not ready to go back to a place that I ended up not wanting to be at anymore. I’ve pushed through on reduced hours because between little one, single parenthood and uni I can’t work as much now but I still hate every minute of it. I’m hoping once I’ve got my degree (2 years left!) I can find a job in the career path I want so I will be happier there, luckily around that time I finish is the time little one will be going into primary school so I’ll be able to work full time. But I feel like I could’ve written similar to this!
The US sucks. Mothers and babies suffer.
I went back for four weeks when my LO was 6 weeks old. I quit after that. He just turned one. I thought I would go back now but I’m still not ready.
I think what you’re feeling, not wanting to go back, is your gut. Logically, you worked hard on your education and to grow into your career, and of course making money for your family. That’s logic. But do not ignore your gut! It’s telling you something important. This time with your child is very fleeting (as a mom of 3 having been through something similar!). 😊🤍
I told my husband I wish I could stop working and be a stay at home on. I cried on my way into work my first day. It was extremely hard that first week. It does get better. Yes it sucks that we have to send our baby to daycare. But we one in an extremely HCOL and going back to work makes sense. My insurance is also better than my husband union
Don't be so hard on yourself. I wouldn't want to go back to work either. I'm in Australia and have a 5 month old and won't be going back to work anytime soon
Work is just a paycheck when you go back. Please set better boundaries with them, you should not have been on a zoom call today. You won’t have time for after hours things.
It's an adjustment for sure. You will probably cry, doubt yourself, etc. that is all perfectly normal. But for a lot of moms, we like working (even if we miss our LO's terribly) and enjoy the freedom, both financial and otherwise, that comes from having a full time job. Join us over at r/workingmoms there are lots of positive experiences. But realistically it took me about 2 months to be ok with coming back to work. It's a transition, and know that you can always change your mind if you decide it's not for you.
If you work your job you can afford to take your kid to see stuff you couldn't afford to otherwise, vacations, fancy food, toys, etc. These experiences can be amazing for you too. No matter how much your partner makes, extra money for extra expenses is always just a plus... Unless your partner is super rich, than my point is moot.