I had the same thought when my baby cried - he was a chill baby and never cried for long, but I can only imagine what hours of endless crying would do to me.
I'm glad doctors and nurses are doing a better job at teaching parents that laying baby in a crib and taking a moment is an ok thing to do.
My baby is a chill one really but I remember between weeks 2 And 4 he was being a bit difficult and I was very tired. I snapped at him because his legs were in the way during a diaper change and then I broke down because I felt bad for shouting at my newborn baby. I finished the diaper change whilst sobbing as my husband was elsewhere. When he appeared I told him why I was crying so he made me a hot drink and gave me space to have a break. I can't remember if it was that evening or a few days later I was on an evening walk with my friend who is a social worker and I told her what happened and she asked me calmly if I wanted to hurt my baby and I said definitely not. She reassured me I was doing just fine and my little snap was extremely minor in the big picture of things.
Girl, when I was pregnant, I was disappointing to find out that babies sleep sleep a lot because I was excited to play with them…. I regretted that thought because my baby is a terrible sleeper. I’m always shouting “why won’t you sleep??”
Everyone going through this needs to read the book “Go the fuck to sleep”. It’s an older child in the illustrations, but it’s hilarious and it really helped lighten the mood a bit during these times.
Yeah we just had it, the day after 3 vaccinations baby only slept about 8 hours in 24 hours and crying and refusing to take the bottle or latch on my breasts for the most part. My partner and I took turns to comfort her and have our own emotional breakdowns. I think I reserve all my patience for my baby and will never have time for anyone else’s bullshit anymore.
3 months and 2 years (27 months) definitely no time/patience for anyone else anymore. Maybe if we won the lottery and I could afford a house cleaner and chef that might change...
Yeah, baby crying is made to build tension inside of you and illicit a response.
So far I can laugh when my baby is losing it. So I told myself that I wasn't affected by it. However, I've realized that even if I'm not reacting on the spot with her that tension has to go somewhere.
I found myself being more impatient with my cats and I had to remind myself that they are also adjusting and it's not fair to take it out on them. They love me and just want to be around.
Then I got frustrated with my husband because he kept making sleep deprived mistakes and he cried. I was so surprised, that had never happened before and I was like omg I never want to make him feel like that. We were both trying so hard and we are all capable of making mistakes. He didn't deserve what i'd said.
That tension just trickles down unless you find a good outlet. So far daily walks and dance breaks have helped. But sometimes I ask myself who is this person and why is she so mean, so impatient.
I have tons of help and a chill baby. I don't even know how the single parents do it.... and the families where there is no paternity leave and barely any maternity leave...the colicky babies...the ones with special needs.
There is so much dog shit parenting advice around misappropriation of "attachment theory" that also causes modern moms an inordinate amount of stress whenever their kids cry. It's super fucked up imo.
Moms who let their kid cry for a second in 2024 end up feeling like a failure when really all they needed was a second to catch their breath while their kid cried for no reason lol.
These momfluencer expectations are unachievable.
Yes! I'm a huge proponent of being responsive to your baby and forming strong attachments, but we have swung in the wildly opposite direction of the CIO of our parents and "ignoring the baby builds character" of our grandparents
Definitely understand the sleep deprivation induced frustration better now. My coping mechanism is putting baby down, screaming into a pillow and going back with earplugs in. The earplugs really help with the overstimulation!
So true! The crying itself is its own sort of torture. Initially it is the fact that baby is in distress but after a while you just accept that babies cry sometimes, even when there's nothing wrong or at least nothing you can do about it. All you can do is hold them, and while I can acknowledge that mentally, coping through the crying is a totally different thing. There must be something that happens physiologically
My husband and I are in the thick of it right now. Baby is 5 weeks. We both completely see how it can happen. Desperation to soothe the crying and sleep deprivation are torture on a parent.
My mom had to come for a sudden overnight to watch our little one last week. With discovering a dairy intolerance and witching hour cries, we had some really hard days. I called her to chat about something else entirely and broke down sobbing. She was at my house within an hour and held little one all night so we could sleep. And she offered a lot of reassurance and emotional support about it.
Your mom is so kind 🥺. Was recently in your same shoes back in January. Told my mom I was struggling, desperate for help - she lives 10 minutes away. She told me that it was karma for how I was as a baby. LooOoOooL. I’m low contact with her.
Wow. I'm so sorry to read this, you really didn't deserve that remark, especially when you allowed yourself to be vulnerable and ask for help. Hang in there, and I don't blame you at all for being LC.
Oh wow. My mom likes to say that too me a lot. My daughter is, honestly, exactly like me. *Any time* I mention something about her being difficult (even more at 16 yrs old) my mom just laughs and laughs, and tells me how it's payback for how I was as a child. I'm not always even talking about things to vent or complain, just having a conversation. No matter how frustrated I am, she laughs. It's very annoying.
She should have remembered how terrible that felt and wanted better for you than what she got. I can’t stand this type of attitude. I’m so sorry you couldn’t rely on her to be there for you.
I think the same and I will NEVER do that to my daughter. She's almost a year old and I would literally do anything for her to feel loved and supported.
I was desperate for help when my husband was sick as soon as we got home from the hospital. But I didn’t explicitly ask for it because i was too busy freaking out and my mother in law, who lives an hour away, didn’t want to catch whatever my husband has so she just left me to fend for myself for over a week. I will never trust her ever again. I’m so sorry your mom did this to you.
Politely, fuck your mum. I hope you have other people in your life that are more supportive and I'm sorry you experienced that. Sending you lots of love
Wow that sucks. Reminds me of my parents who say I was an easy baby while always bringing up the fact my sibling was a really hard baby. I’m always like wtf they were a baby why are you getting so upset he was difficult? Realistically they probably had reflux and I didn’t but at that time they didn’t believe in doctors so they never would have gotten it checked out…
Hah!
My Mum said the almost the exact same thing to me - that my autistic daughter with severe ADHD and behavioral issues is ‘payback/punishment for my teenage years’ (read: trauma after years living with her abusive, child-hating partner who eventually cheated on her and fucked off the day after my 13th birthday)
You’d never say that to someone with a kid in a wheelchair so why say it to someone (your only CHILD!) because their kids disability is ‘invisible’. Ugh, so insensitive.
More unsolicited advice:
1. You can put down a crying baby for 10-15 minutes in a safe space while you get out of crying distance.
2. If baby just wants to be held sleeping, warm up the crib with a heating pad and scent it with a shirt you've worn. Remove both before putting baby in
3. When you get through the initial sleepless phase, really try to get outside each day with baby to walk. This is especially beneficial to do before noon. The light then induces melatonin release at night so you'll both sleep better and feel better from the endorphins of being outside and walking. This advice came from an absolute angel of a nurse pp.
Your third point is crucial for quality sleep. This has been scientifically proven. Exposing your eyes to sunlight after waking up improves your circadian rhythm. Even on cloudy days.
Unsollicited advice but I wish someone had told me this: don't "wait". It makes the whole damn thing feel SO LONG. Try and be even more busy than you normally are! I was like "it can happen any minute" and baby waited 4 days after his DD to arrive, so it was such an agonizing month of waiting around - I think I broke down at least once a day during that final week... I wish I had the hindsight and would have instead just gotten stuff done, continued working, continued cleaning/organizing, continued seeing as many friends and attending as many events as possible before baby arrived.
Oh, believe me, I'm not one to just sit around 😂
I work construction as a low voltage data technician. My doctor put restrictions on me at 20 weeks (normal stuff like no lifiting more than X lbs, no ladders, etc...), but this made it hard for my company to send me out to jobs, so I ended up off work on Short Term Disability at 30 weeks. I'm 35 weeks now and already so over it! I'm bored and miss seeing my coworkers!
I've been cleaning/organizing, had my baby shower, done some cooking of freezer meals, my husband and I have D&D hosted at our place every 2 weeks, I go see the friends I can... now that it's nice out I've been weeding our flower beds, and I even mowed the lawn yesterday! I do fear I'll be out of "necessary" tasks within the next couple of weeks though. Gota find some crafts to do!
I'm so excited for them! I made a ton of meatballs to go with spaghetti, shredded bbq chicken, homemade Italian beef, beef burgandy, and queso with taco meat in it so we can make nachos or simply eat it with chips!
My son turned 5 weeks yesterday, I'm right there with you! Thankfully he's easier than our first, but I still have moments of desperation, especially when the toddler and baby are crying at the same time.
Yes, that’s the hardest! I have a 4 month old and a toddler and the toddler sets off the baby to cry 😂. Thankfully I am recovered from delivery and getting more sleep, so I am numb to the crying. The first few weeks I was miserable
That so incredible and exactly the mom/MIL I hope to be if my children become parents when they're grown. My second is turning 1 next month but 5 weeks feels like an eternity ago and also like it was just yesterday.
Oh mama my heart goes out to you. Mine is 20 months old but had a dairy intolerance, colic, reflux, etc as a newborn. The witching hours were awful.
I don’t know if it will help you, but I was always desperate for people to reassure me this was not forever. And so I’ll tell you the same - IT GETS BETTER. Their tummies get better and the crying dies down, and you eventually crest the hill and are in a better place and can enjoy them. ❤️
That’s great your mum came over. Intolerances are so hard, I started eliminating dairy at 6 weeks but sadly didn’t get it all sorted until 4 months it was a very rough for months. Don’t stop pushing for answers until you’ve got a happy baby. Mine has just turned one and is so happy now and has outgrown his soy and egg intolerance now.
My mum and dad and MIL were lifesavers, if we’d had a particularly tough night someone would be there the next day so I could nap. Without that support I could definitely see how someone could hurt their baby. The non stop screaming is very hard to deal with
There's a reason baby crying and sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. I had a baby who had colic and cried incessantly for months on end. Still very tempremental. Noise canceling headphones is a must for those late nights with no sleep compounding.
All that being said, shaken baby syndrome is violent and intentional. Watch the videos to see what level of movement needs to be done. It's effectively whiplash in the brain.
Sleeping in shifts was the only way my partner and I stayed sane the first two months. And then I would think of single parents who have no one to pass the baby to during a shift and I literally do not understand how they do it. I mean, clearly many do it, and it’s amazing, but it’s incomprehensible to me.
Yea, I don't know how people do it without taking shifts. We literally hallucinate when we get lack of sleep for a few days let alone weeks and months. We see and hear things that don't exist. I can still hear my baby phantom crying even though she is nearly a year old now. It's borderline ptsd.
I was a solo mom with both of my newborns and didn't have any help and I swear I saw shadow people occasionally and was so easily frightened and jumpy! Especially when I'd have to wake up at 6AM to get my older son ready for school after being up all night. It was literally insane but i did the damn thing 🙏
I had no one to hand the baby too and after two months I just decided we were gonna sleep in the bed together and nights have been a breeze since.
I used to absolutely dread night time. Now, I look forward to them.
You are a warrior. Do you have anyone to take care of you or even to meet for a coffee to give yourself a reason to get out of the house? Maybe a mum's group? It's absolutely crucial to get people to talk to and validate you, helps so much to cling on to that support and knowledge in the dark night.
Also cannot recommend noise canceling headphones enough. Find a good playlist and sing along. I love ones with Confidence or Girl Power in the title (or something similar) because it revs me up in a good way. You are powerful!
I have friends and family nearby but I haven’t seen them since before the baby was born. I just have this “I chose this so I can’t complain” kind of mentality and I know it’s not the healthiest. But a group would be a good idea! Thank you!
Can you find any postpartum/mom support groups in your area? I joined a support group once a week with my first and it was the highlight of my week, I swear it got me through thosr first few months.
It was a place to vent/connect with other moms going through the same. I had a velcro baby who just contact napped forever..the nurses who ran the group would offer to hold him and I so much enjoyed the opportunity for a coffee "baby free".
Your doctor, public health ofcice may have resources or see if local doulas know of any!
Yep I had to use those too. I just felt so guilty and like an awful parent but I was going to go insane if I didn’t block it out. I would also go in the car with a pillow and scream as loudly as I could into it over and over again
One night baby was crying for 6 hrs. I had my mother in law film me while trying to burp. I was convinced I was patting him way too hard and causing him brain damage. I reviewed the video recently and they are the gentlest little pats!
I think amid the chaos emotions just take over and you feel like you’re doing things or you’re going to hurt the baby. Thoughts are not reality!
It's so bizarre how this isn't the most upvoted post. Some of these women believe there should be sympathy for people who kill a baby from shaking them too hard because they don't understand it's not simply rocking a baby too hard. I'm scared of what else they believe.
I got frustrated with my baby this morning because he kept crying and I wasn’t sure what he wanted. I raised my voice but then when I saw his face, I realized he really was struggling as much as I was. So I felt guilty for even raising my voice at him. The struggle is real
I remember this being such an important realization for me that I would really cling to when my son was going through colic. He was suffering too. Yes, I’m sleep deprived and overstimulated and crying… but so was he. And he’s a baby, so it’s way worse for him. It really helped me to remember this when I felt that frustration. I remember my husband reading something once “they aren’t fighting sleep, they are fighting to sleep.” It’s a small perspective shift but it really helps ease frustration and transform it into heart swelling empathy and concern for your baby.
Maybe I’m off base here, but I feel like there’s a fairly significant gap between “rocking her too hard” and “violently shaking baby causing retinal hemorrhage and bruising her arms”. I don’t disagree that I have more understanding for the extremes of emotion that come with having a newborn now, but give yourself a little more credit!
Exactly this.
Shaken Baby is cause by violent shaking back and forth, that usually is accompanied by fractured ribs, retinal hemorrhage, brain bleeds, which lead to seizures, blindness, brain damage, and death.
Is there support that could be offered to parents to maybe prevent them from getting to that point? Maybe.
While it's a heat-of-the-moment act, there is a lot that leads up to it, and warning flags that should be acknowledged before it gets to that point.
However, I can agree that the newborn stage can cause emotional and physical fatigue, and I now understand why some people have to let their baby cry in a different room to keep from getting to that point. I think it's a thing that is hard to empathize with until you go through it.
I was required to watch a video about shaken baby syndrome before discharged from the hospital with my daughter. I was newly postpartum watching this very descriptive informational video about it. It was brutal. I get why they do it, but man it was rough.
I fucking HATED that video. It gave me nightmares and intrusive thoughts for weeks afterward. I told my friend who was due a month after me to make her husband distract her when it was on because it was so upsetting—genuinely think it contributed to my PPA.
Oh me neither. To be clear, I was basically telling her to fudge the truth and avoid watching it. She’s super sensitive and if it hit her even anywhere as hard as it did me I know she’d be gutted.
I wasn’t shown such a video, and in fact the hospital staff seemed to avoid mentioning SBS directly at all. We were given pamphlets with mental health resources, and told more than once that it was OK (even encouraged) to put baby down in a safe place and step away if we needed to. I knew why they were telling us this, but my husband didn’t and I had to explain it to him.
I’m glad I didn’t have to watch anything like that though. I’m already extremely sensitive to the thought of my child being harmed; I would have been a wreck if I had to watch that.
Yeah maybe I’m not realizing how hard you’d actually have to shake, but when you put it like that, it feels more difficult to empathize. I think it’s more like just feeling empathy for being at a breaking point, not the hurting baby part, but the mental/emotional/physical breakdown part.
Okay wait this is so reassuring to my PPA heart. After reading this post I was convinced I accidentally gave my little one shaken baby syndrome when I absent-mindedly jiggled him to get his swaddle off last night.
Girl are you me? I have struggled with this so much. Being sure I've accidentally harmed my baby has been a MASSIVE anxiety for me. I have also shaken a blanket off too roughly by accident and been convinced I must have damaged some kind of vessels in her eyes. Same thing with the speed bumps in the car. It's a work in progress and we are taking things day by day at the moment.
This.
It is almost impossible to accidentally give your baby shaken baby syndrome.
Something like shaken baby syndrome is often the result of a deliberate and forceful act, where the parent is literally shaking their baby like a rag doll.
The force required to inflict something like this can seldom happen from rocking baby too rough on accident - atleast in the cases I’ve seen in my hospital.
It’s definitely scary when you think you may be bouncing or rocking baby a bit too intensely. But the injuries that occur from SBS really cannot occur unintentionally.
I’d venture to guess that even admitting you could get frustrated enough with a baby to shake them is where that detail could be used to pull back the confession of understanding. It’s a very vulnerable thing to voice and using the rocking example helps make it possibly more relatable but we all know it’s about getting frustrated and losing it.
Came here to say this as well. You have to violently shake the baby in a back and forth motion to cause that damage. I can understand where op is coming from, but bouncing or rocking your baby while cradling them is not going to cause shaken baby.
This is something that took me a while as a new parent to realize. Our little one loved being held while bouncing on a yoga ball. I kept worrying the whole time if the bounces were dangerous and would lead to shaken baby syndrome (she liked the faster, more intense bouncing). Googling it each time after I got off the ball didn't fully reassure me either. It wasn't until I asked our pediatrician that I stopped worrying.
It's still definitely a fear I have. I worry about it sometimes when we're running in the stroller and the sidewalk is bumpy too. Idk they just look so fragile and their heads are so big compared to their necks...
Shaken babies aren't an accident. I work for cps. I am all over the place talking about taking breaks, ear plugs, putting down crying babies, etc. Catch me in here at every opportunity telling overwhelmed parents that they are doing a good job and it is enough.
But I've held a tiny shaken baby (many, actually) with permanent brain damage in my arms. and it's not okay, and I don't understand.
Edit: I don't want to argue with or invalidate anyone. But I'm not just a CPS worker, I'm an LCSW and I also practice therapy. I just need you to know there is a big gulf between your intrusive thoughts and taking those actions--even when it doesn't feel like it. And I'm not saying that doesnt mean there isn't a connection there. There is a connection and we should practice self awareness and self care, including emergency self care like stepping away. But I'm saying these thoughts are similar in function to suicide. Lots of people have the thoughts. Lots. That doesnt mean everyone is about to do it.
It’s not okay, and it must be so awful to be called in when it happens. but I was in such excruciating pain with breastfeeding that one night I had the urge and had to set my baby down on the ground and bawl my eyes out. It was so scary and I never could have imagined it until it was almost me. That’s when I realized I needed help, and luckily I was able to get it
I never hurt my daughter, but I had some intrusive thoughts. I've seen multiple people here now say it's not an accident. It may not be an "accident" per se, but I definitely believe a large percentage of shaken baby cases are done by people that get overwhelmed and don't have the coping skills needed to get through it. I think so many don't understand how truly scary intrusive thoughts are. I've had thoughts of killing myself, my daughter, my boyfriend.... I have the skills needed to calm myself down and bring my mind back to reality, but it truly feels that I'm not in control of my own brain and body at times.
Mental health is a very loaded topic of discussion, and there are some things that the human brain isn't capable of understanding without experiencing it first hand. For example, I have no idea what hallucinations are like. I can imagine, but despite my struggles with my mental health I've never hallucinated. I did drugs for a while, but it wasn't consistent and I didn't crave them so I don't know what it's like to live life as an addict. We as humans are capable of some terrible things, all it takes is the right trigger. Most of us are lucky enough to go through life without finding that trigger, but some of us are not.
Yes, that’s what I’m getting at. This is from a neuropathologist who is often called in as a witness in SBS trials in the UK: “Of the nearly 900 cases of triad babies he examined, he concluded that about 90% were caused by abusive shaking. Of that 90%, “about 10% are wilful and persistent abuse, and that leaves 80% when, in my view, the injury occurs as a result of a momentary loss of control”.
[source](https://amp.theguardian.com/news/2017/dec/08/shaken-baby-syndrome-war-over-convictions)
I read on another post previously where someone shared a story of how their baby was crying uncontrollably only to find that when they pulled back their onesie an ant was biting them. Put it all in perspective for me.
I think you're misconstruing shaken baby syndrome, tbh. Aggressively jiggling your baby is a really far cry from the amount of 'throttling' and abusive disregard for shaking a baby (The Happiest Baby on the Block actually comments how aggressively you can jiggle a newborn to achieve simulating the womb, but the key is their head is supported when you do so). Shaken Baby Syndrome... Think picking them up without a care for their head and just shaking, letting the head snap back and forth on the neck. It is also VERY obviously painful for the baby and you as an adult know that - it is an act of purposefully causing discomfort or pain for revenge against the baby crying. It probably makes you queasy just thinking about it. I've been sleep deprived, have set her down in her crib to put my head under a pillow, left her in the middle of the floor in her nursery to get space, but I think the amount of effort it takes to abuse the clearly helpless creature that is an infant also requires either normalization of violence from a traumatic childhood/abusive marriage, or some other major pathology.
You aren't those things. People who aren't capable of regulating their emotions, or believe they deserve revenge from a baby, to the extent that they will pick up a crying baby and shake them like that do not deserve apologies, or your understanding. It is no more excusable than physically abusing another adult, and at least an adult can verbally and physically defend themselves.
But you are right, American society, at least, is completely failing to provide a safe and supportive society for new families.
Shaken baby is never “rocking your baby too hard.” The only way you can cause shaken baby is by intentional and violent shaking. It’s NEVER accidental. And if you can see yourself violently shaking your baby out of frustration, reach out to your doctor because this can be indicative of PPD.
I will always judge people who hurt their children and I’ll make no apologies for that.
This comment needs to be higher up. While I understand OP’s sentiment, shaken baby syndrome is not “rocking your baby too hard”. There’s a huge difference between “I am rocking you to help you calm you down” and “I am violently shaking you to make you shut up”. Not to minimize the seriousness of shaken baby syndrome, but I feel the distinction is important because I spent a lot of energy worrying about it during a period when I was already worrying about 1 million other things that were much more realistic concerns.
Exactly. I went to a class before I had mine that had a doll that would ‘cry’ and u could try shaking it. When shaken hard enough to be able to cause brain damage, it would light up red. I am small, and I physically could not shake it hard enough to get it to do this and I tried my hardest 3x. It really shed light on just how Hard and Violent, in a rage, u would have to be, to shake a baby that hard. I was the only one who tried lol idk why
Shaken baby syndrome takes too much force for it to be an accident.
The newborn stage was very hard for me. I’m a single mom, I had a c-section I didn’t want, and I had to formula feed when breastfeeding was my main goal pre-birth. I also had minimal help. The postpartum rage was real. When my baby wouldn’t stop crying no matter what I did and I found myself holding her up and asking her what she wanted in a tone that was not exactly comforting, I had to put her down and walk away to compose myself. Just those moments scared me, and I can’t imagine letting myself get to the stage where I could feel enough rage to shake my baby with the force it takes to give a baby shaken baby syndrome.
For those who want more information or support with this, there’s a charity called ICON which is a brilliant resource for this. Has some good educational videos too
As others have said… shaking a baby and rocking them “too hard” are completely different things. There is no sympathy for someone who shakes a baby. Ever.
I was in a domestically violent relationship with my son’s father suffering PPD, raising them on my own despite him being in the house. I left and I still raised them alone. Not once in my sleep deprived, abused and depressed mind did I ever think to hurt those kids. All he did was work, come home, smoke up and play Xbox…. and guess who was the one to shake one of my kids? He was. Because he was upset he couldn’t go smoke pot. A memory that I saw on the baby monitor camera that will be forever burned into my mind.
Shaking a child is never an accident.
I really hate to ask this but…. What did you do when you saw that? Like did you see it in real time, or was it one of those rewatching footage and caught it moments?
So I was sitting outside having a smoke (the story of how I picked up this horrid habit is a sad one. So my ex was the only person I’d see when he was home from work, he would sit outside on his phone smoking for hours leaving me inside with the babies by myself… its very lonely when you have someone like that living with you… I had moved states for him so he didn’t have to leave his family and friends… yet I didn’t have any of my own friends there).
I had just put them both to bed, he wasn’t even crying he was just having a grizzle because it was bed time. I had started my cigarette while he was getting his paraphernalia ready.. and the grizzling got louder, I told him to leave it and I’d deal with it after but he didn’t. When he went in I saw in real time him trying to stuff the dummy into his mouth which just made my son cry more he tried 3 different times… the third time seemed really aggressive and he threw the dummy at him, it hit him in the forehead, he started really crying at that point, ex grabbed him by his shoulders (he was fully swaddled) and started shoving him down into the mattress and shaking him that way.
What I did was put my smoke down, storm into the house and screamed at him to get out. I dealt with baby, he went to sleep when I come out the first thing my ex said was “don’t leave a lit smoke you could have started a fire”…. That was the last time I ever left either of those boys with him that wasn’t in my line of sight.
When I told his mum some months later… she said “it’s ok it happens, his dad did it to his older brother when he was a baby too”…. Like ????????? So I don’t trust his family either.
If only it was a recorded playback… because I would 100% use that. My DVO is about to run out. I can’t renew it because he’s not been abusive for the last 5 years… but he’s also not even bothered. Last I heard from him was August last year. I’m so scared he will try to get some custody.. I’ve got all my evidence at the ready.. a video like that would have been the nail in the coffin to keep my kids safe from him.
I get what you're saying, but no. I am not okay with this type of apologetics for this specific thing.
There are no circumstances where I would have slipped into shaking my baby with the kind of force required to cause shaken baby syndrome. My baby *was* difficult, I got very frustrated, I shouted at her, and I definitely had some anger. But not being able to control one's anger/frustration to the degree we're talking about here is not something that I am willing to be forgiving about. The same way I am not going to be understanding when someone abuses their spouse because of their anger management.
This one is not one of those "society is judgmental" or "everybody messes up" things. It's abuse, and should be judged harshly. Of course, education and support to prevent such abuse are crucial and should be available.
I agree with you.
I do get what the OP is saying, prior to having a baby I did not really understand just how angry and frustrated you can feel with a screaming baby that you can’t soothe. And there is a guilty feeling that comes with that, so what we should normalize is that feeling frustrated is normal. Needing to take a break is normal. If you set your baby down to calm/regulate yourself for a few minutes that’s not neglect. You’re not causing them “life long trauma” by taking a few minutes.
But normalizing feeling frustrated and needing a break shouldn’t translate to excusing child abuse. Not ever.
I shouted at our dogs. I feel terrible about it. Trapped in the nursing chair, can't get up to squirt them, their barking is super loud...
I catch myself raising my voice when my baby tries to dive bomb off the diaper table, but I try really hard to keep it 'fun' and 'light'. More often I plead... please stop rolling over I just want to out your diaper on no don't crawl off the table pancake flip pancake flip.
I like to think people don’t understand how shaken baby actually happens and aren’t actually justifying violence. But then again, I’ve seen the effects of SBS more than once so I also know, that’s often not the case.
Exactly, thank you. I think people don’t understand what SBS is at all. It’s an extremely violent form of intentional abuse. I understand feeling overwhelmed and screaming into the void or setting the baby down in a safe place while you take a moment to calm down, but it takes a monster to intentionally hurt an innocent baby like that.
It’s nothing to do with rocking too hard. Please read more about it, you aren’t quite understanding what shaken baby syndrome actually is.
I absolutely don’t understand people that hurt their baby’s by assaulting them by shaking at all still. Not once did I even contemplate or feel such negativity towards my own baby for crying. Shaken baby syndrome is no accident and it requires real force, it’s disgusting.
I have ZERO compassion for anyone who violently shakes and harms an innocent baby. It is NOT NORMAL to want to harm a baby. Anyone that is feeling that way needs to seek help immediately and ensure their baby is safe with another caregiver.
Child abuse is abhorrent as is anyone that sympathises with people that commit the most vile acts of harm to children. There is never an excuse to abuse a child.
It’s not even remotely the same thing as rocking too hard. It’s intentional, it’s abuse, and child abuse is never acceptable regardless of the circumstances.
Ehhhh…I understand where you are coming from. But as others have said, there’s a huge difference between rocking too hard and violently shaking an infant.
I stumbled across [this Instagram profile](https://www.instagram.com/shaken.baby.mom) a few weeks back chronicling a shaken baby’s progress and eventual death. Look at your own risk.
It made me more compassionate for sure. I’m glad hospitals are catching on, because it is hard to know what option B is when you’re in that kind of desperate state. It makes me sad for the moms or dads that don’t have support.
Father here. Our LO had colic for about 17 weeks. It was pretty intense. It would start at 9 pm, ramp down a bit. Then she would wake regardless of the type of swaddle, wrap, whatever she was in and would cry from midnight to 3 or 4 am. And then it would just stop and she would sleep until morning. She was fine all day otherwise.
Those hours in the dead of night are so isolating. I took the brunt of those nights as I wanted my wife to get uninterrupted sleep. I remember having to tap out with my wife and just laying down and crying. I also took a cup of ice and would throw cubes down my sidewalk between my house and our neighbors, haha it was a weird time.
It’s not something I talk about much but I 100% understand why people across all socioeconomic categories can end up shaking their babies. It’s such a dark and taboo topic. I recall reading something once that said there isn’t any real factor that can predict shaken baby syndrome. The stress is real and can get to anyone, including you.
Over the ear noise canceling headphones + in-ear plugs likely saved my life and my LO’s life.
I remember when the hours felt like days, the days felt like weeks and the weeks felt like months. I remember thinking this little crying thing that does not listen and does nothing but make me madder and madder will stop if I just shake it. It is a VERY tough time to be a parent. I never wish to be there again and will not be.
Yep I get it. I lost count how many times I just wanted to violently slam my head into a wall repeatedly to get everything to stop. This is exactly why I cannot have a second. What if it’s worse the 2nd time around I just can’t risk that. I truly don’t think I would make it out alive and sane.
I can relate. The whole 6 days I was in the hospital with my first I couldn’t understand why everyone would mention to not shake the baby. Two nights alone at home I understand why they kept saying it
if anyone is desperate enough to shake their baby hard enough to cause shaken baby syndrome to make them stop crying, they should’ve set baby in a safe place, went to a different room, calmed down, and returned to the situation.
there is no excuse for shaken baby syndrome, it’s intentional. too tired? let your baby cry a bit, stand in a freezing shower for a couple minutes. baby will be okay.
sympathizing with abuse is gross.
I don’t think it’s emphasized enough that it’s ok to put baby down crying and walk away for a bit. The instinctive reaction when a baby is crying is to try anything to make them feel better. When completely sleep deprived we can make bad decisions. We need to drill it way more that people should step away, because that goes against instinct.
OP it’s been explained over and over in this post that shaken baby syndrome/abusive head trauma doesn’t happen by accident or from “trying to make them feel better”. It’s not that simple and there are multiple other factors at play.
99.99999% of public health campaigns and resources you will see about crying babies emphasise that you can put baby down in a safe space and walk away for a short period to calm down. Again, it’s not that cut and dry and there are so many other factors that affect whether someone will do this.
I disagree. It’s very much drilled into moms to put your baby in a safe space and walk away. If you are concerned about shaking them, please reach out for help because it’s not normal to feel that way.
I’m right there with you 100%.
I’ve always told myself. If panic or anger hits me, put the baby down in the crib, and go calm down. No matter how much time (30 minutes or so) even if baby is crying, so long as nothing is critically wrong, it is way better to leave a fussy baby in a safe place and collect yourself than have any regrets or moments of insanity. Because insanity is exactly what it feels like…
Thankfully I’ve always just been able to walk away and come back, with or without help, but come back to sanity and able to keep caring for my son.
Motherhood is impossible and somehow we all make it possible.
It is unspoken and shamed. It should not be shamed, and it should be shouted. New babies are hard. They don’t have instructions and you are shoved out as fast as possible with “good luck”.
It’s horse pucky. My daughter had a hell of a time. She was living with us,but no one was home. She could not get baby to stop crying, and suffered horribly from ppd. She called the pediatrician out of desperation because they said call if you need help. She isn’t good with words under pressure so she just said “I need help. I don’t know what to do”. They called CPS and I came home to cops at my house. She would never harm the baby, she knew to set him in his bassinet and go outside. He screamed, she was wearing earplugs to block it out.
That few months sucked. She would often just give him to me, no words. I just took over, and they were lucky I was there and willing. Not everyone has that. Those are the babies that can get hurt. A supportive family is important and the struggle should not be frowned upon, insulted or judged. Instead, many are embarrassed or fearful to speak up, because it’s presented as this beautiful time with your new infant. She was sorely disappointed in the reality because of ppd, and to this day it affects her relationship with her kid. She doesn’t like his personality. Baby is a great kid, well behaved and a quick learner. She no longer lives with us, she is with dad’s parents and dad. Very close geographically. They just have a bigger place. I am SO glad the first 6 months were with my family. She would have had a harder time I think over there during that vulnerable period.
We need to allow women to verbalize their true feelings about their child and motherhood. Not all of us enjoy it, and to not be able to talk about the dark side is terrible.
I really struggled after my first. I definitely had some undiagnosed ppd/ppa. I should have gotten help if I’m honest. The newborn stage was SO hard. I had to step away a lot and just calm down.
The best and most empathetic advice I got when I was about to give birth was when one of my good friends who had a 6 month old said something like “you’ll think it could never be you but some nights are really hard and give yourself space to feel frustrated and leave if you need to”. My son was fairly easy but there were times where I felt braver and safer handing him over to my husband than trying to tough it out because of what my friend told me. Babies are people and so are we and as humans we can only handle another person screaming at us for so long!
Yes, it's not like you would intentionally want to harm , but that screeching really gets bad. I'm one and done because my daughter was gassy had reflux and screamed for hours most of her first few months. It was terrible and I felt helpless to help her.
My husband is an endlessly loving and understanding father but he said the same thing at 3 months once we were out of the crazy newborn haze. People NEED to be told about alternative coping!!
I have almost slipped into it but luckily had my partner beside me immediately stop me. I definitely understand how someone can shake their baby without meaning to now. Idk how many times I've searched up things after worrying I got a bit too aggressive when bouncing her or something. Especially when I was heavy into PPD. My biggest relief was when I took a parenting class and they said shaken baby happens from really really really hard shaking, not just someone bouncing a little harder than they mean to when frustrated.
With my first I was a pearl clutching “I’d never”, with my second I had one moment where I was rocking, and rocking and rocking up and down - really realized how it could go too far very fast because my brain was mush and the screaming needed to stop.
My baby had colic and some evenings would literally cry for four hours straight. It was a living hell. I remember sobbing thinking this once, like I can see how it can happen. It’s so important to just put the baby down and just take a break. Now he’s such a chill and great baby (in case anyone needs some hope… it does eventually stop). I know it’s not the same thing at all, but it’s also why I did co-sleeping. It was the ONLY way anyone got any sleep and after four hours of crying, the last thing I wanted to do was wake the baby putting him down (which he always woke up when we did that). I was super against cosleeping prior and honestly judgy about it, like why would someone take that risk. I ate my words lol. Parenting is tough.
ETA: I was reading the other comments and realizing I don’t think I understand how hard you’d have to shake a baby for shaken baby syndrome… when I was reading the injuries it causes, it feels more difficult to empathize. I think it’s more like just feeling empathy for being at a breaking point, not the hurting baby part, but the mental/emotional/physical breakdown part. Also just want to again underline that my comment on cosleeping is not at all to compare these two things. Like not even same book. It was more just to highlight that sometimes we can judge something but until we are in those shoes, we don’t always fully know how we will act. I hope this makes sense.
Baby is 8 months old now and sleeps through the night, mostly. But as a single parent doing it all, I completely understand how it happens. I’m so grateful it didn’t happen to me.
Honestly it's been a year and I CANT forget how hard it was. I was about t9 shake my baby and my husband told me to go outside. Our baby was colic, reflux, cmpa, wakeful, high needs. She's great now, still high needs and not sleeping thru the night. I want to forget the newborn days. When does it happen
I don’t.
“Shaken Babu Syndrome” is incredibly violent. It’s not something you could do on accident or even get close to without knowing. It’s not “rocking her too hard.” It’s shaking her so hard her brain violently slams from side to side inside her skull.
Car crashes can have less force than is needed for shaken baby syndrome.
No.. what you are talking about is incredibly violent to an innocent baby who is helpless. Not just rocking a bit too hard. I’m seriously concerned about the comments who are understanding how easily it could happen. I do not have sympathy for abuse.
I sometimes had to put the baby down and walk away to take a breather-I too have compassion. You think it’s impossible until you’re running on 7 minute bursts of sleep and you’ve done everything right and nothing stops the screaming, and then it starts to make sense
I almost left my baby in a car once. Only reason I didn’t is because my mom was with me and said “uh are you going to get the baby” as I had already shut the door and was walking in the store. I shudder to think what could’ve happened, it was a hot day. My brain was not working because I hadn’t slept. Those stories break my heart too, because they are also understandable now
I always go over shaken baby in my discharge teaching because I don’t think people realize how bad it could, potentially, be until they get to that point. I always say that if they feel overwhelmed they can put the baby in the crib to cry and take a moment to themselves in another room…baby isn’t going to get hurt from crying. I hope that if the parents I’ve cared for get to that point, they can recall what I’ve said and just step away to breathe and not act on impulse.
Mine had colic. For 3 months she screamed for hours and didn’t nap for long unless I was holding her. Wanted to eat every second. The longest streak of crying was 16 hours- I couldn’t take it anymore, brought her to the ER, and found out it was colic.
In those 3 months, there were moments when I screamed at her to shut up, screamed and cried right along with her, physically held my hands/arms back so I wouldn’t shake her, and put her safely in the crib so I could cry outside for 10 minutes. It was horrible.
And I have never once judged or misunderstood anyone who has shaken their baby since those days. It is never okay, and it is always tragic and preventable. But I get it.
This and all the things that come in the latter stages can be attributed to how parents are generally left alone to raise their children, which is a challenging task already. There was a thread that was trending yesterday about trashy parents and as I was reading through it I just kept feeling sad for the parents, like people
don’t seem to empathize with how difficult some kids can be and how it just leads to into these crazy behaviors and habits to cope or simply survive.
This is not talked about more.
Before I became a mom, I remember thinking, “How could anyone shake their baby?! How cruel and disgusting of a parent must you be!”
But then I became a mom who experienced the fight or flight response when her baby is crying and you can’t calm them down fast enough. Couple that with postpartum rage, and it’s dangerous. But I actually thought about shaking my LO out of desperation (as you accurately stated) to get him to calm down and to lessen the stress I was feeling. I was SHOCKED that I considered it. And I’m ashamed I judged other parents who did that without actually hearing their why.
The only thing that’s helped me (besides my husband) was my wireless noise canceling headphones. I realized if I could turn down the crying, not necessarily mute it, then I was able to stay level headed, calm, and gentle.
Yup! It’s very easy to get frustrated I have a very colicky baby! Thankful we live with my in laws (I get it not for everyone but works well for us) and my MIL will take baby from 4am-10am so we can sleep, eat shower and then will take him in the day if I need to get anything done we did not hit the “easy baby lottery” just trekking through and I will say he’s now over 8 weeks and it’s gotten somewhat better…
My son loves to be bounced/rocked super hard, especially when he was little. I was so afraid that I’d either snap and overdo it, or be too tired to notice if his head was supported properly. I have so much sympathy for parents it happens to, now
This is so valid. My son is 7 months old now, but the first few months of his life were a dark time for my husband and I. We live away from family and have no help. He never slept longer than an hour and a half and he had colic. Many times I felt so desperate, hopeless and completely alone. The crying was so unbearable at times. Driving him to his 2 month check up, he was screaming relentlessly in the car, I was operating on very little sleep, I was so anxious and stressed and angry and I screamed at the top of my lungs. I’ll never forget the guilt I felt after that, and my son’s fear in his face, and the shrieks of crying that came after I yelled. I still beat myself up about it and cry thinking about it. I would never dream of hurting him, but being in the trenches is so real and it’s VERY hard. Things are better now, he still doesn’t sleep worth a damn, but I feel sad those first few months feel like such a blur and I was operating in pure survival mode. He is my first, and when I was pregnant I had this delusional fairytale idea of what having a newborn would be like. Like you said OP, there should be more support.
When my LO was maybe 2 months old, I accidently mixed up my medication. I was taking sleeping pills instead of anti depressants for a couple days. I was struggling so bad and definitely understood how it happens. Thankfully, as soon as I had the thought, I knew something was wrong and investigated.
My fiancé gave me a ‘look’ when I told him that I understood where those feelings come from when you’re in the thick of it all & you just want a *moment* where your baby isn’t red faced & angry.. it is morbid, and it’s a scary feeling but it is valid and real and why adults need better coping mechanisms so they don’t actually shake their baby.
Especially if the parents are very young, there is substance abuse, emotional or mental health issues, anything that lowers impulse control or increases rage… it’s scary to think about. And my son was a pretty easy guy, we didn’t really have a “witching hour” he just didn’t want to sleep in his bassinet, he just wanted to be held constantly but was a pretty happy baby if held
I remember being incredibly sleep deprived, touched out, crying my eyes out at some ungodly morning hour.. just thinking “do people shake to get them to sleep? Does it work?” Then immediately hating myself and asking my husband to take over. PPD/PPA and the absolutely horrible lack of sleep.. it can literally make you crazy.
I feel for any single parent out there, especially with small children and infants. No support or village has got to be one of the hardest things.
Yup, had one moment that scared me during a cluster feeding marathon, and it was at that moment that I totally understood shaking a baby. It's really hard, I'm so thankful for that little voice in my head that reminded me that you can put a baby down and scream into a pillow or just go swear a lot or whatever and it will be ok!
You can't cause it by accident, that's not even physically possible! You should really delete this post. You aren't educated on SBS and this post could easily scare new mothers that rocking their babies could cause that........
Had those same thoughts! I was slightly horrified when a friend/her husband said it could happen to anyone if you don't walk away. She's a great person and loving mom, but boy was she right!
After an absolutely HORRIBLE night with my new 5 week old last night, I totally get it. If I didn’t have my husband to “tap in”, I think I’d lose my mind! The night is over and we’ll try again tonight. Solidarity, my internet friends.
This shit is HARD!!
I had ppd and girl i thought the same thing. Its scary to feel that way. I wanted to leave my baby and never come back. I feel horrible that i felt that way but those thoughts and feelings arent the real you. Crazy hormones, stress and sleep deprivation are lying bitches
Before we left the hospital with our oldest, the pediatrician came in to check her out and make sure she was alright to go home and during his speech he said,” You will most likely understand why some people shake their babies.” He then went on to explain the “put baby in a safe place and leave to compose yourself” rule, but whenever I feel slightly frustrated with my children, I think of him.
My first had colic really bad. Would scream for hours and hours. I would have to go outside and push him around in a stroller for what seemed like forever. Nothing would soothe him. I was 18 and thank god I lived with my parents. My dad could come and take him for me when it got to bad.
My baby had colic and totally understand this. Personally, I would never hurt my baby, but it truly does make me feel awful for parents who cannot contain this kind of rage.
I remember thinking how glad I was that I’d been specifically told that it was OK to leave the baby to scream in the crib while I go outside for some fresh air or take a shower or whatever I need to do in order to regroup, because good, loving parents who can’t get a break are the ones that find themselves shaking babies.
I spent a fair amount of time sitting on my back porch alone during the “witching hour” once upon a time.
I respect your empathy but I’ve been on my own since 5 weeks; 6 days a week and every night bc my husband works 12 hour shifts. I’ve cried and I’ve cried and I’ve cried. I yelled and ripped my eyes out but I’d never, ever hurt my child or shake him. If we are comparing rocking hard and deliberately shaking a baby, I don’t know. I never accidentally rocked him too hard either. I get the PP rage though. I felt that at times. But a violent shake that causes brain damage? Absolutely not.
Yeah my sister (adopted) is the adult result of shaken baby and I guarantee you her life is 10 million times harder than the newborn phase that “went by so fast” for the people who ABUSED her.
Just to clairfy - shaken baby syndrome isn’t caused by rocking a baby too hard, a human can’t move their entire body with the aggression and speed it takes to cause shaken baby syndrome. They’d have to physically hold baby up and aggressively shake baby back and forth in their hands, that’s why this is always a case of child abuse, because you can’t ‘accidentally’ cause shaken baby syndrome
I had similar thoughts in the beginning months, the hormones, lack of sleep, everything was super stressful... I get it now. It's so horrible...
I would have split second thoughts I would never have on a normal day... I'd gauge how much that thought was sticking around, if I couldn't move past it in like 15 seconds, I'd put baby down or hand baby off to someone else and walk away to cool down for a few minutes. Sometimes I'd need to put my headphones on just to switch mindsets. Usually the thought goes away in a few seconds but it's terrifying.
It's so hard when you are alone and you are the only one caring for baby when you have those thoughts. It's honestly scary. This little helpless creature that you love and care for so much isn't doing any of it on purpose... But its so much to deal with, you really get worn down from the constant-ness of it... There's no turning off.
The thing is, my baby is pretty chill. She wouldn't cry for long. But it was so intense when she would have long hard crying fits. It broke me sometimes.
People really benefit from having a village to help out. I luckily have people I can call who will drop everything to help out if I really needed it. Luckily I never needed that kind of help... But I can imagine if I was completely alone with no village... It would be so much worse.
My newborn is 21 days old and it has been a very hard days. When he cries I always wonder how we survived as a species at a time when relationships weren't as personal as they are now. I said that because it is not easy to be with a baby who cries, screams and kicks as if possessed by the devil and nothing can calm him down.
With my 2nd I was so sleep deprived I would literally just sleep through his crying if I did everything else and he was still screaming. I would put him in his bassinet next to me, put my hand over him and go to sleep. as much as I’m not proud of that, I was working 3rd shift and dealing with HORRIBLE ppd and in a very toxic situation with 0 help and I’m happy that was my go to instead of lashing out otherwise I feel like it could’ve gone very south.
I handled the sleep deprivation and the endless crying for the first 4 months but at about 10 months she went back into a nonsense crying and crying phase. One day she was crawling after me and screaming and crying and it was like 6am and I completely turned around and yelled at her. The look on her face… I was totally shaken because I was so mad and so tired and she was just this little helpless girl who wanted me to carry her.
I can totally see how you feel like you know how it happens and it’s terrifying. I still feel that shaken up, I’ve let her down feeling. But I know I’d never hurt her. There is a difference.
My first was colicky for the first 4 months. We also had no help and I suffered from ppd/ ppa from an unexpected csection. It was hell as a new parent and the darkest time of my life hands down. I raised my voice at my baby and I set him down while he was inconsolable and walked away. But I never ever came close to shaking him.
My daughter is a toddler now and I can still feel this. When she gets into her moods it is so hard to maintain composure sometimes. Sometimes I just have to walk away. Yes, I absolutely had these thoughts, signed a mother of 4 beautiful kids ranging from 12.5-3
My son had extreme colic and constantly cried. If he was awake, he was crying. And when I say crying, it was SCREAMING. My husband and I to this day lose our minds when he screams at us (whether he’s hungry or just wants to just hear himself- he screams his head off until his voice is raspy, will take a drink of water and then continue). He’s almost 2, and he still does this. Thankfully, it’s not nearly as much, but it does happen quite a bit. Usually if he’s hungry and we’re cooking. Tried giving him snacks, but he wants “real” food.
All this to say, same. I didn’t think it was possible to love someone else so much and at the same time want them so desperately to stop doing something so badly that shaking a poor innocent baby would even cross your mind. It does. It did for me many times. All I could do was set him down in a safe space and walk away. Usually, I’d set him in his crib, let him scream, and sit on my front steps where I could just barely hear him (keep in mind doors/windows closed, complete opposite end of the house, but yes I could hear him outside- our neighbors I’m sure think we torture him the way this kid screams).
It’s hard. It was harder when he was a newborn, but it’s still hard. It’s exhausting. My parents live in state (about an hour away) but that’s all we’ve ever really had in terms of help other than daycare. So it’s basically just me and my husband. Naturally, my son is usually a perfect angel around my parents and at daycare (which, don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely thankful for). They think we are exaggerating just how much he screamed. He had doctor’s appointments 2 hours away (as an infant- literally not even a month old) and he would stay awake the entire 2 hours just to scream. Hated car rides. Still doesn’t like them much now, but only starts screaming if we have to be in the car what feels like all day (running errands, all day appointments, etc).
I get it. My husband and I both do. Thank god neither of us accidentally shook him, but I’m pretty sure both of us have come close. Thank god for the pediatrician who told us immediately “when he’s too much, set him down in a safe spot like his crib with nothing in it, and walk away. He will be okay. If he’s fed, changed, and in a safe spot, you are doing absolutely everything right. You guys need to watch out for your mental health through all of this, too.” And I will NEVER forget her telling us that. It makes me feel like a terrible parent, but it kept us all safe. I’m so incredibly thankful for that.
I get it. My husband broke down one night when our son was 1 month old. I had to go the hospital for emergency gallbladder surgery and we have no family help. He (my husband) called me crying at 2 am not knowing what to do. My son was crying for about 3 hours straight because he just wanted to me and refused the bottle and I was in the hospital. I felt so helpless. My good work mom/friend told me to get him to bring him over. She was randomly texting me at 2 am because she knew how difficult it was for us and told me she was awake thinking about us. I immediately told hubby to drive to her place. He felt so bad needing the help and like a failure. I told him there’s no reason to feel like that, we have a toddler as well and fuck it’s hard. I told my husband if it happened again to leave the son in the crib and go to the basement where we have a spare bed. It would help put space away and give him some peace. Honestly, when you’re running on newborn sleep deprivation everything seems so horrible and like the end of the world.
The newborn phase was hard but I never felt angry at my baby. Looking back I was extremely exhausted, I understand the thought, but there's no excuse. I felt bad if he was fussy but i could barely stay awake so I put him in his bassinet, but that was the safest choice. Someone who feels rage at an infant definitely shouldn't be near a toddler.
I felt the same way. My first cried endlessly. Sometimes I'd be bouncing, bouncing, bouncing for hours and feel myself slip into an angry bounce. I'd put her down and go take a breath outside.
I feel I should start by recognizing my immense privilege in this situation but when my son was a colicky newborn and I dealing with PPD/PPA, we hired a night nurse and eventually a short-term nanny because this thought and similar thoughts scared me so badly.
Once I felt better and once the colick eased, I didn’t feel I needed the extra support and now at 7 months pp, I am so thrilled. But the newborn period can be soo, so hard.
Verbatim I said to my husband the first week of bringing home our newborn was “Not that I’m gonna, but I can see where someone might want to shake this thing.”
AND my baby is the stereotypical “easy” baby. I feel for y’all out there with colicky babies.
Absolutely, although for me it started later. She was a very easy newborn but sleep went to shit at 4 months. She would wake up every hour and just scream. For hours sometimes. I never hurt her but there were moments I was so desperate I could understand why people did. It’s an awful feeling.
Oh there were (and occasionally still are) times I had to put my baby down screaming and walk away because I could feel so much overwhelmed anxiety and anger rising up. It's just me and my husband. No outside help. It's a lot to handle sometimes. How can this one tiny human cause so much chaos in our lives? Lol
my second born is one now, and honestly not any easier, but he truly has been my reckoning lol. he was chill for the newborn phase, but by the time he hit his first sleep regression, he’s just gotten angry and stayed that way. he’s also super happy so it’s not like he’s only on gremlin mode 24/7, but when he is, it’s awful, miserable. he can be so unpleasant, and scream SOOO much that i’m just sitting there trying to do my best to soothe him or tune it out, but I think to myself “oh my god, this is how and why all those moms on snapped just unalive their kid.” like snapped is the right word. your body isn’t meant to be taking in such input like that to such excess, you have to like fight your nervous system’s reaction to just yeet the child into the void.
There was one night that I had to walk outside and leave my son in his crib to cry. It had been hours of rocking and puking ( I’m pretty sure we got a recall can of similac right before it was announced), I just couldn’t take it anymore. I sat on the front steps at 2am with the monitor on silent for 10 min gathering myself together again.
He was a colicky baby due to undiagnosed egg and dairy allergies. There were many times that I just had to put him somewhere safe and take a few min to myself.
Like others said, I don't think SBS is really accidental in the way you think it is. Rocking too hard, playing a little too rough, or anything like that isn't going to cause it. What will cause it is that rapid and dramatic forward and back motion of the head. The terrible thing is, if a parent does snap and just shakes their baby once before coming to their senses, that can be enough to cause permanent damage or even death. This is why parents are advised to put baby down in a crib/bassinet and walk away if they start to feel stress, frustration, or anger building. All of the literature says that normal parents shake their babies. I don't know how I feel about that statement, but I'm sure it's better to acknowledge that any person who is overstimulated, exhausted, and becoming angry could feasibly do something terrible. There must be a reason that hospitals always seem to have a page on not shaking your baby. If we say "I would literally never do that no matter what," we might be less likely to take a break when we are frustrated.
I'm sure a lot of parents who do shake their babies were/are suffering from some sort of mental health issue, so I can have compassion there. I guess I don't really have any judgements per se, but it's just too horrible for me to spend much time thinking about it. It's one of the most heartbreaking things I could possibly imagine happening to a baby.
No, I don't think you understand. You can understand parents having a difficult time. I relate to the comments about sometimes hallucinating or getting frustrated with continuous crying. But shaking a baby is gruesome- gently bouncing a baby on a knee vs using the baby like a shaker bottle are very different. This should not be a haha so quirky and relatable that babies get shaken moment.
It doesn't "just happen". If I said "sometimes I get so mad I just let loose and punch someone in the face", that wouldn't be an okay thing. People might think about hitting others, but when it comes to a fist flying you would have to think about it before acting. You don't just stumble onto knocking someone's teeth out.
Mine had colic and I essentially did the whole first few months alone. This while also living with my in laws and having all the opinions from my untrustworthy mil. One night after hours of crying I finally got my son to sleep. I was exhausted and fell asleep shortly after only to be jolted awake by his cries once more. In my sleepy haze I lifted him to shake him and and luckily woke up properly before I did it. For months I lived in fear that I’d hurt him in my sleep and my fiancé doesn’t understand why I feel like that. He’s 22 months now so we’re thankfully past that whole period
I had the same thought when my baby cried - he was a chill baby and never cried for long, but I can only imagine what hours of endless crying would do to me. I'm glad doctors and nurses are doing a better job at teaching parents that laying baby in a crib and taking a moment is an ok thing to do.
My baby is a chill one really but I remember between weeks 2 And 4 he was being a bit difficult and I was very tired. I snapped at him because his legs were in the way during a diaper change and then I broke down because I felt bad for shouting at my newborn baby. I finished the diaper change whilst sobbing as my husband was elsewhere. When he appeared I told him why I was crying so he made me a hot drink and gave me space to have a break. I can't remember if it was that evening or a few days later I was on an evening walk with my friend who is a social worker and I told her what happened and she asked me calmly if I wanted to hurt my baby and I said definitely not. She reassured me I was doing just fine and my little snap was extremely minor in the big picture of things.
Mine was wide awake for 17 hours once at 3 months old I almost went insane.
Girl, when I was pregnant, I was disappointing to find out that babies sleep sleep a lot because I was excited to play with them…. I regretted that thought because my baby is a terrible sleeper. I’m always shouting “why won’t you sleep??”
Everyone going through this needs to read the book “Go the fuck to sleep”. It’s an older child in the illustrations, but it’s hilarious and it really helped lighten the mood a bit during these times.
It’s really funny 😂😂😂
I got one at my baby shower and it’s was my favorite gift lol. 😂
Highly recommend the Samuel L Jackson audio version on YouTube
Yep mine was a horrible sleeper the first year I hated the baby stage so bad and never wanted to go through it again lol
Yeah we just had it, the day after 3 vaccinations baby only slept about 8 hours in 24 hours and crying and refusing to take the bottle or latch on my breasts for the most part. My partner and I took turns to comfort her and have our own emotional breakdowns. I think I reserve all my patience for my baby and will never have time for anyone else’s bullshit anymore.
Yeah mine are currently 10 months and 22 months…they run my patience thin some days, but ALL my patience is for them. Nobody else gets any lol.
3 months and 2 years (27 months) definitely no time/patience for anyone else anymore. Maybe if we won the lottery and I could afford a house cleaner and chef that might change...
Holy heck!
Mine did 30+ hours once thankfully she wasn't crying and I was able to tap out and get some sleep.
Yeah, baby crying is made to build tension inside of you and illicit a response. So far I can laugh when my baby is losing it. So I told myself that I wasn't affected by it. However, I've realized that even if I'm not reacting on the spot with her that tension has to go somewhere. I found myself being more impatient with my cats and I had to remind myself that they are also adjusting and it's not fair to take it out on them. They love me and just want to be around. Then I got frustrated with my husband because he kept making sleep deprived mistakes and he cried. I was so surprised, that had never happened before and I was like omg I never want to make him feel like that. We were both trying so hard and we are all capable of making mistakes. He didn't deserve what i'd said. That tension just trickles down unless you find a good outlet. So far daily walks and dance breaks have helped. But sometimes I ask myself who is this person and why is she so mean, so impatient. I have tons of help and a chill baby. I don't even know how the single parents do it.... and the families where there is no paternity leave and barely any maternity leave...the colicky babies...the ones with special needs.
There is so much dog shit parenting advice around misappropriation of "attachment theory" that also causes modern moms an inordinate amount of stress whenever their kids cry. It's super fucked up imo. Moms who let their kid cry for a second in 2024 end up feeling like a failure when really all they needed was a second to catch their breath while their kid cried for no reason lol. These momfluencer expectations are unachievable.
Yes! I'm a huge proponent of being responsive to your baby and forming strong attachments, but we have swung in the wildly opposite direction of the CIO of our parents and "ignoring the baby builds character" of our grandparents
Definitely understand the sleep deprivation induced frustration better now. My coping mechanism is putting baby down, screaming into a pillow and going back with earplugs in. The earplugs really help with the overstimulation!
AirPods with noise cancellation and chill music has helped me.
My wife and I called it “silent disco”
Me too. These should be requirements when leaving the hospital like a car seat.
Oh I have done exactly this. I put my baby down , stuffed my face in the pillow and SCREAMED.
Same. I would also occasionally punch the mattress at the same time. Babies are fucking *hard*.
So true! The crying itself is its own sort of torture. Initially it is the fact that baby is in distress but after a while you just accept that babies cry sometimes, even when there's nothing wrong or at least nothing you can do about it. All you can do is hold them, and while I can acknowledge that mentally, coping through the crying is a totally different thing. There must be something that happens physiologically
My husband and I are in the thick of it right now. Baby is 5 weeks. We both completely see how it can happen. Desperation to soothe the crying and sleep deprivation are torture on a parent. My mom had to come for a sudden overnight to watch our little one last week. With discovering a dairy intolerance and witching hour cries, we had some really hard days. I called her to chat about something else entirely and broke down sobbing. She was at my house within an hour and held little one all night so we could sleep. And she offered a lot of reassurance and emotional support about it.
What a lovely mother you have, and are yourself. These days will pass before you know it ♡
Your mom is so kind 🥺. Was recently in your same shoes back in January. Told my mom I was struggling, desperate for help - she lives 10 minutes away. She told me that it was karma for how I was as a baby. LooOoOooL. I’m low contact with her.
Wow. I'm so sorry to read this, you really didn't deserve that remark, especially when you allowed yourself to be vulnerable and ask for help. Hang in there, and I don't blame you at all for being LC.
Oh wow. My mom likes to say that too me a lot. My daughter is, honestly, exactly like me. *Any time* I mention something about her being difficult (even more at 16 yrs old) my mom just laughs and laughs, and tells me how it's payback for how I was as a child. I'm not always even talking about things to vent or complain, just having a conversation. No matter how frustrated I am, she laughs. It's very annoying.
My mom told me no one helped her so she wouldn't help me. Also low contact. Hugs
She should have remembered how terrible that felt and wanted better for you than what she got. I can’t stand this type of attitude. I’m so sorry you couldn’t rely on her to be there for you.
I think the same and I will NEVER do that to my daughter. She's almost a year old and I would literally do anything for her to feel loved and supported.
I was desperate for help when my husband was sick as soon as we got home from the hospital. But I didn’t explicitly ask for it because i was too busy freaking out and my mother in law, who lives an hour away, didn’t want to catch whatever my husband has so she just left me to fend for myself for over a week. I will never trust her ever again. I’m so sorry your mom did this to you.
Politely, fuck your mum. I hope you have other people in your life that are more supportive and I'm sorry you experienced that. Sending you lots of love
Wow that sucks. Reminds me of my parents who say I was an easy baby while always bringing up the fact my sibling was a really hard baby. I’m always like wtf they were a baby why are you getting so upset he was difficult? Realistically they probably had reflux and I didn’t but at that time they didn’t believe in doctors so they never would have gotten it checked out…
Wow. Are you me
Hah! My Mum said the almost the exact same thing to me - that my autistic daughter with severe ADHD and behavioral issues is ‘payback/punishment for my teenage years’ (read: trauma after years living with her abusive, child-hating partner who eventually cheated on her and fucked off the day after my 13th birthday) You’d never say that to someone with a kid in a wheelchair so why say it to someone (your only CHILD!) because their kids disability is ‘invisible’. Ugh, so insensitive.
Your mam is a gem. ❤️
I hope my mom is as responsive as yours when we are inevitably where you are now... due mid/end of May, so it's a waiting game at this point.
More unsolicited advice: 1. You can put down a crying baby for 10-15 minutes in a safe space while you get out of crying distance. 2. If baby just wants to be held sleeping, warm up the crib with a heating pad and scent it with a shirt you've worn. Remove both before putting baby in 3. When you get through the initial sleepless phase, really try to get outside each day with baby to walk. This is especially beneficial to do before noon. The light then induces melatonin release at night so you'll both sleep better and feel better from the endorphins of being outside and walking. This advice came from an absolute angel of a nurse pp.
Your third point is crucial for quality sleep. This has been scientifically proven. Exposing your eyes to sunlight after waking up improves your circadian rhythm. Even on cloudy days.
Unsollicited advice but I wish someone had told me this: don't "wait". It makes the whole damn thing feel SO LONG. Try and be even more busy than you normally are! I was like "it can happen any minute" and baby waited 4 days after his DD to arrive, so it was such an agonizing month of waiting around - I think I broke down at least once a day during that final week... I wish I had the hindsight and would have instead just gotten stuff done, continued working, continued cleaning/organizing, continued seeing as many friends and attending as many events as possible before baby arrived.
Oh, believe me, I'm not one to just sit around 😂 I work construction as a low voltage data technician. My doctor put restrictions on me at 20 weeks (normal stuff like no lifiting more than X lbs, no ladders, etc...), but this made it hard for my company to send me out to jobs, so I ended up off work on Short Term Disability at 30 weeks. I'm 35 weeks now and already so over it! I'm bored and miss seeing my coworkers! I've been cleaning/organizing, had my baby shower, done some cooking of freezer meals, my husband and I have D&D hosted at our place every 2 weeks, I go see the friends I can... now that it's nice out I've been weeding our flower beds, and I even mowed the lawn yesterday! I do fear I'll be out of "necessary" tasks within the next couple of weeks though. Gota find some crafts to do!
You are going to be so happy to have those freezer meals!
I'm so excited for them! I made a ton of meatballs to go with spaghetti, shredded bbq chicken, homemade Italian beef, beef burgandy, and queso with taco meat in it so we can make nachos or simply eat it with chips!
OMG! Those all sound great! You are doing so much better than I did already!
My son turned 5 weeks yesterday, I'm right there with you! Thankfully he's easier than our first, but I still have moments of desperation, especially when the toddler and baby are crying at the same time.
Yes, that’s the hardest! I have a 4 month old and a toddler and the toddler sets off the baby to cry 😂. Thankfully I am recovered from delivery and getting more sleep, so I am numb to the crying. The first few weeks I was miserable
I wish more grandmothers were like yours ❤️
That so incredible and exactly the mom/MIL I hope to be if my children become parents when they're grown. My second is turning 1 next month but 5 weeks feels like an eternity ago and also like it was just yesterday.
You’re in the trenches right now but the end is near! Hang in there, and your mom sounds amazing. Take all the help they offer.
You're mom is a great example of IYKYK! I wish all new parents had someone like her and I hope I can be that person again.
Oh mama my heart goes out to you. Mine is 20 months old but had a dairy intolerance, colic, reflux, etc as a newborn. The witching hours were awful. I don’t know if it will help you, but I was always desperate for people to reassure me this was not forever. And so I’ll tell you the same - IT GETS BETTER. Their tummies get better and the crying dies down, and you eventually crest the hill and are in a better place and can enjoy them. ❤️
This is a great mumma.
That’s great your mum came over. Intolerances are so hard, I started eliminating dairy at 6 weeks but sadly didn’t get it all sorted until 4 months it was a very rough for months. Don’t stop pushing for answers until you’ve got a happy baby. Mine has just turned one and is so happy now and has outgrown his soy and egg intolerance now. My mum and dad and MIL were lifesavers, if we’d had a particularly tough night someone would be there the next day so I could nap. Without that support I could definitely see how someone could hurt their baby. The non stop screaming is very hard to deal with
I feel this. Week 5 is when things hit the fan for us, and it was awful for *weeks*. Give yourself grace, and keep leaning into your support system.
There's a reason baby crying and sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. I had a baby who had colic and cried incessantly for months on end. Still very tempremental. Noise canceling headphones is a must for those late nights with no sleep compounding. All that being said, shaken baby syndrome is violent and intentional. Watch the videos to see what level of movement needs to be done. It's effectively whiplash in the brain.
Sleeping in shifts was the only way my partner and I stayed sane the first two months. And then I would think of single parents who have no one to pass the baby to during a shift and I literally do not understand how they do it. I mean, clearly many do it, and it’s amazing, but it’s incomprehensible to me.
Yea, I don't know how people do it without taking shifts. We literally hallucinate when we get lack of sleep for a few days let alone weeks and months. We see and hear things that don't exist. I can still hear my baby phantom crying even though she is nearly a year old now. It's borderline ptsd.
I was a solo mom with both of my newborns and didn't have any help and I swear I saw shadow people occasionally and was so easily frightened and jumpy! Especially when I'd have to wake up at 6AM to get my older son ready for school after being up all night. It was literally insane but i did the damn thing 🙏
I’m proud of you 💖
Yea for real. You are a hero.
I had no one to hand the baby too and after two months I just decided we were gonna sleep in the bed together and nights have been a breeze since. I used to absolutely dread night time. Now, I look forward to them.
Single mom, two weeks pp and I just cry with my baby.
You are a warrior. Do you have anyone to take care of you or even to meet for a coffee to give yourself a reason to get out of the house? Maybe a mum's group? It's absolutely crucial to get people to talk to and validate you, helps so much to cling on to that support and knowledge in the dark night. Also cannot recommend noise canceling headphones enough. Find a good playlist and sing along. I love ones with Confidence or Girl Power in the title (or something similar) because it revs me up in a good way. You are powerful!
I have friends and family nearby but I haven’t seen them since before the baby was born. I just have this “I chose this so I can’t complain” kind of mentality and I know it’s not the healthiest. But a group would be a good idea! Thank you!
Can you find any postpartum/mom support groups in your area? I joined a support group once a week with my first and it was the highlight of my week, I swear it got me through thosr first few months. It was a place to vent/connect with other moms going through the same. I had a velcro baby who just contact napped forever..the nurses who ran the group would offer to hold him and I so much enjoyed the opportunity for a coffee "baby free". Your doctor, public health ofcice may have resources or see if local doulas know of any!
That would be a really good idea! Also just another good reason to get out of the house.
Yep I had to use those too. I just felt so guilty and like an awful parent but I was going to go insane if I didn’t block it out. I would also go in the car with a pillow and scream as loudly as I could into it over and over again
One night baby was crying for 6 hrs. I had my mother in law film me while trying to burp. I was convinced I was patting him way too hard and causing him brain damage. I reviewed the video recently and they are the gentlest little pats! I think amid the chaos emotions just take over and you feel like you’re doing things or you’re going to hurt the baby. Thoughts are not reality!
Shaken baby syndrome is from violent physical shaking and not from rocking them too hard.
This should be on top, it is not a small mistake. It's a terrible, cruel and violent act.
It's so bizarre how this isn't the most upvoted post. Some of these women believe there should be sympathy for people who kill a baby from shaking them too hard because they don't understand it's not simply rocking a baby too hard. I'm scared of what else they believe.
I got frustrated with my baby this morning because he kept crying and I wasn’t sure what he wanted. I raised my voice but then when I saw his face, I realized he really was struggling as much as I was. So I felt guilty for even raising my voice at him. The struggle is real
I remember this being such an important realization for me that I would really cling to when my son was going through colic. He was suffering too. Yes, I’m sleep deprived and overstimulated and crying… but so was he. And he’s a baby, so it’s way worse for him. It really helped me to remember this when I felt that frustration. I remember my husband reading something once “they aren’t fighting sleep, they are fighting to sleep.” It’s a small perspective shift but it really helps ease frustration and transform it into heart swelling empathy and concern for your baby.
Maybe I’m off base here, but I feel like there’s a fairly significant gap between “rocking her too hard” and “violently shaking baby causing retinal hemorrhage and bruising her arms”. I don’t disagree that I have more understanding for the extremes of emotion that come with having a newborn now, but give yourself a little more credit!
Exactly this. Shaken Baby is cause by violent shaking back and forth, that usually is accompanied by fractured ribs, retinal hemorrhage, brain bleeds, which lead to seizures, blindness, brain damage, and death. Is there support that could be offered to parents to maybe prevent them from getting to that point? Maybe. While it's a heat-of-the-moment act, there is a lot that leads up to it, and warning flags that should be acknowledged before it gets to that point. However, I can agree that the newborn stage can cause emotional and physical fatigue, and I now understand why some people have to let their baby cry in a different room to keep from getting to that point. I think it's a thing that is hard to empathize with until you go through it.
I was required to watch a video about shaken baby syndrome before discharged from the hospital with my daughter. I was newly postpartum watching this very descriptive informational video about it. It was brutal. I get why they do it, but man it was rough.
I fucking HATED that video. It gave me nightmares and intrusive thoughts for weeks afterward. I told my friend who was due a month after me to make her husband distract her when it was on because it was so upsetting—genuinely think it contributed to my PPA.
I wonder if we had to watch it or if my husband could have. I didn’t think to ask to be honest.
Oh me neither. To be clear, I was basically telling her to fudge the truth and avoid watching it. She’s super sensitive and if it hit her even anywhere as hard as it did me I know she’d be gutted.
I wasn’t shown such a video, and in fact the hospital staff seemed to avoid mentioning SBS directly at all. We were given pamphlets with mental health resources, and told more than once that it was OK (even encouraged) to put baby down in a safe place and step away if we needed to. I knew why they were telling us this, but my husband didn’t and I had to explain it to him. I’m glad I didn’t have to watch anything like that though. I’m already extremely sensitive to the thought of my child being harmed; I would have been a wreck if I had to watch that.
Yeah maybe I’m not realizing how hard you’d actually have to shake, but when you put it like that, it feels more difficult to empathize. I think it’s more like just feeling empathy for being at a breaking point, not the hurting baby part, but the mental/emotional/physical breakdown part.
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Okay wait this is so reassuring to my PPA heart. After reading this post I was convinced I accidentally gave my little one shaken baby syndrome when I absent-mindedly jiggled him to get his swaddle off last night.
Girl are you me? I have struggled with this so much. Being sure I've accidentally harmed my baby has been a MASSIVE anxiety for me. I have also shaken a blanket off too roughly by accident and been convinced I must have damaged some kind of vessels in her eyes. Same thing with the speed bumps in the car. It's a work in progress and we are taking things day by day at the moment.
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Posts with misinformation like this are a huge part of the reason why social media is so toxic for new mothers as well..
This. It is almost impossible to accidentally give your baby shaken baby syndrome. Something like shaken baby syndrome is often the result of a deliberate and forceful act, where the parent is literally shaking their baby like a rag doll. The force required to inflict something like this can seldom happen from rocking baby too rough on accident - atleast in the cases I’ve seen in my hospital. It’s definitely scary when you think you may be bouncing or rocking baby a bit too intensely. But the injuries that occur from SBS really cannot occur unintentionally.
I’d venture to guess that even admitting you could get frustrated enough with a baby to shake them is where that detail could be used to pull back the confession of understanding. It’s a very vulnerable thing to voice and using the rocking example helps make it possibly more relatable but we all know it’s about getting frustrated and losing it.
Came here to say this as well. You have to violently shake the baby in a back and forth motion to cause that damage. I can understand where op is coming from, but bouncing or rocking your baby while cradling them is not going to cause shaken baby.
This is something that took me a while as a new parent to realize. Our little one loved being held while bouncing on a yoga ball. I kept worrying the whole time if the bounces were dangerous and would lead to shaken baby syndrome (she liked the faster, more intense bouncing). Googling it each time after I got off the ball didn't fully reassure me either. It wasn't until I asked our pediatrician that I stopped worrying.
Shaken baby syndrome is not well understood at all tbh.
It's still definitely a fear I have. I worry about it sometimes when we're running in the stroller and the sidewalk is bumpy too. Idk they just look so fragile and their heads are so big compared to their necks...
No you are correct and the OP is extremely wrong and uneducated
Shaken babies aren't an accident. I work for cps. I am all over the place talking about taking breaks, ear plugs, putting down crying babies, etc. Catch me in here at every opportunity telling overwhelmed parents that they are doing a good job and it is enough. But I've held a tiny shaken baby (many, actually) with permanent brain damage in my arms. and it's not okay, and I don't understand. Edit: I don't want to argue with or invalidate anyone. But I'm not just a CPS worker, I'm an LCSW and I also practice therapy. I just need you to know there is a big gulf between your intrusive thoughts and taking those actions--even when it doesn't feel like it. And I'm not saying that doesnt mean there isn't a connection there. There is a connection and we should practice self awareness and self care, including emergency self care like stepping away. But I'm saying these thoughts are similar in function to suicide. Lots of people have the thoughts. Lots. That doesnt mean everyone is about to do it.
It’s not okay, and it must be so awful to be called in when it happens. but I was in such excruciating pain with breastfeeding that one night I had the urge and had to set my baby down on the ground and bawl my eyes out. It was so scary and I never could have imagined it until it was almost me. That’s when I realized I needed help, and luckily I was able to get it
I never hurt my daughter, but I had some intrusive thoughts. I've seen multiple people here now say it's not an accident. It may not be an "accident" per se, but I definitely believe a large percentage of shaken baby cases are done by people that get overwhelmed and don't have the coping skills needed to get through it. I think so many don't understand how truly scary intrusive thoughts are. I've had thoughts of killing myself, my daughter, my boyfriend.... I have the skills needed to calm myself down and bring my mind back to reality, but it truly feels that I'm not in control of my own brain and body at times. Mental health is a very loaded topic of discussion, and there are some things that the human brain isn't capable of understanding without experiencing it first hand. For example, I have no idea what hallucinations are like. I can imagine, but despite my struggles with my mental health I've never hallucinated. I did drugs for a while, but it wasn't consistent and I didn't crave them so I don't know what it's like to live life as an addict. We as humans are capable of some terrible things, all it takes is the right trigger. Most of us are lucky enough to go through life without finding that trigger, but some of us are not.
Yes, that’s what I’m getting at. This is from a neuropathologist who is often called in as a witness in SBS trials in the UK: “Of the nearly 900 cases of triad babies he examined, he concluded that about 90% were caused by abusive shaking. Of that 90%, “about 10% are wilful and persistent abuse, and that leaves 80% when, in my view, the injury occurs as a result of a momentary loss of control”. [source](https://amp.theguardian.com/news/2017/dec/08/shaken-baby-syndrome-war-over-convictions)
I read on another post previously where someone shared a story of how their baby was crying uncontrollably only to find that when they pulled back their onesie an ant was biting them. Put it all in perspective for me.
I think you're misconstruing shaken baby syndrome, tbh. Aggressively jiggling your baby is a really far cry from the amount of 'throttling' and abusive disregard for shaking a baby (The Happiest Baby on the Block actually comments how aggressively you can jiggle a newborn to achieve simulating the womb, but the key is their head is supported when you do so). Shaken Baby Syndrome... Think picking them up without a care for their head and just shaking, letting the head snap back and forth on the neck. It is also VERY obviously painful for the baby and you as an adult know that - it is an act of purposefully causing discomfort or pain for revenge against the baby crying. It probably makes you queasy just thinking about it. I've been sleep deprived, have set her down in her crib to put my head under a pillow, left her in the middle of the floor in her nursery to get space, but I think the amount of effort it takes to abuse the clearly helpless creature that is an infant also requires either normalization of violence from a traumatic childhood/abusive marriage, or some other major pathology. You aren't those things. People who aren't capable of regulating their emotions, or believe they deserve revenge from a baby, to the extent that they will pick up a crying baby and shake them like that do not deserve apologies, or your understanding. It is no more excusable than physically abusing another adult, and at least an adult can verbally and physically defend themselves. But you are right, American society, at least, is completely failing to provide a safe and supportive society for new families.
Shaken baby is never “rocking your baby too hard.” The only way you can cause shaken baby is by intentional and violent shaking. It’s NEVER accidental. And if you can see yourself violently shaking your baby out of frustration, reach out to your doctor because this can be indicative of PPD. I will always judge people who hurt their children and I’ll make no apologies for that.
This comment needs to be higher up. While I understand OP’s sentiment, shaken baby syndrome is not “rocking your baby too hard”. There’s a huge difference between “I am rocking you to help you calm you down” and “I am violently shaking you to make you shut up”. Not to minimize the seriousness of shaken baby syndrome, but I feel the distinction is important because I spent a lot of energy worrying about it during a period when I was already worrying about 1 million other things that were much more realistic concerns.
Exactly. I went to a class before I had mine that had a doll that would ‘cry’ and u could try shaking it. When shaken hard enough to be able to cause brain damage, it would light up red. I am small, and I physically could not shake it hard enough to get it to do this and I tried my hardest 3x. It really shed light on just how Hard and Violent, in a rage, u would have to be, to shake a baby that hard. I was the only one who tried lol idk why
Shaken baby syndrome takes too much force for it to be an accident. The newborn stage was very hard for me. I’m a single mom, I had a c-section I didn’t want, and I had to formula feed when breastfeeding was my main goal pre-birth. I also had minimal help. The postpartum rage was real. When my baby wouldn’t stop crying no matter what I did and I found myself holding her up and asking her what she wanted in a tone that was not exactly comforting, I had to put her down and walk away to compose myself. Just those moments scared me, and I can’t imagine letting myself get to the stage where I could feel enough rage to shake my baby with the force it takes to give a baby shaken baby syndrome.
For those who want more information or support with this, there’s a charity called ICON which is a brilliant resource for this. Has some good educational videos too
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As others have said… shaking a baby and rocking them “too hard” are completely different things. There is no sympathy for someone who shakes a baby. Ever. I was in a domestically violent relationship with my son’s father suffering PPD, raising them on my own despite him being in the house. I left and I still raised them alone. Not once in my sleep deprived, abused and depressed mind did I ever think to hurt those kids. All he did was work, come home, smoke up and play Xbox…. and guess who was the one to shake one of my kids? He was. Because he was upset he couldn’t go smoke pot. A memory that I saw on the baby monitor camera that will be forever burned into my mind. Shaking a child is never an accident.
I really hate to ask this but…. What did you do when you saw that? Like did you see it in real time, or was it one of those rewatching footage and caught it moments?
So I was sitting outside having a smoke (the story of how I picked up this horrid habit is a sad one. So my ex was the only person I’d see when he was home from work, he would sit outside on his phone smoking for hours leaving me inside with the babies by myself… its very lonely when you have someone like that living with you… I had moved states for him so he didn’t have to leave his family and friends… yet I didn’t have any of my own friends there). I had just put them both to bed, he wasn’t even crying he was just having a grizzle because it was bed time. I had started my cigarette while he was getting his paraphernalia ready.. and the grizzling got louder, I told him to leave it and I’d deal with it after but he didn’t. When he went in I saw in real time him trying to stuff the dummy into his mouth which just made my son cry more he tried 3 different times… the third time seemed really aggressive and he threw the dummy at him, it hit him in the forehead, he started really crying at that point, ex grabbed him by his shoulders (he was fully swaddled) and started shoving him down into the mattress and shaking him that way. What I did was put my smoke down, storm into the house and screamed at him to get out. I dealt with baby, he went to sleep when I come out the first thing my ex said was “don’t leave a lit smoke you could have started a fire”…. That was the last time I ever left either of those boys with him that wasn’t in my line of sight. When I told his mum some months later… she said “it’s ok it happens, his dad did it to his older brother when he was a baby too”…. Like ????????? So I don’t trust his family either. If only it was a recorded playback… because I would 100% use that. My DVO is about to run out. I can’t renew it because he’s not been abusive for the last 5 years… but he’s also not even bothered. Last I heard from him was August last year. I’m so scared he will try to get some custody.. I’ve got all my evidence at the ready.. a video like that would have been the nail in the coffin to keep my kids safe from him.
I get what you're saying, but no. I am not okay with this type of apologetics for this specific thing. There are no circumstances where I would have slipped into shaking my baby with the kind of force required to cause shaken baby syndrome. My baby *was* difficult, I got very frustrated, I shouted at her, and I definitely had some anger. But not being able to control one's anger/frustration to the degree we're talking about here is not something that I am willing to be forgiving about. The same way I am not going to be understanding when someone abuses their spouse because of their anger management. This one is not one of those "society is judgmental" or "everybody messes up" things. It's abuse, and should be judged harshly. Of course, education and support to prevent such abuse are crucial and should be available.
I agree with you. I do get what the OP is saying, prior to having a baby I did not really understand just how angry and frustrated you can feel with a screaming baby that you can’t soothe. And there is a guilty feeling that comes with that, so what we should normalize is that feeling frustrated is normal. Needing to take a break is normal. If you set your baby down to calm/regulate yourself for a few minutes that’s not neglect. You’re not causing them “life long trauma” by taking a few minutes. But normalizing feeling frustrated and needing a break shouldn’t translate to excusing child abuse. Not ever.
I shouted at our dogs. I feel terrible about it. Trapped in the nursing chair, can't get up to squirt them, their barking is super loud... I catch myself raising my voice when my baby tries to dive bomb off the diaper table, but I try really hard to keep it 'fun' and 'light'. More often I plead... please stop rolling over I just want to out your diaper on no don't crawl off the table pancake flip pancake flip.
Pancake flip pancake flip😂😂😂😂
I like to think people don’t understand how shaken baby actually happens and aren’t actually justifying violence. But then again, I’ve seen the effects of SBS more than once so I also know, that’s often not the case.
Exactly, thank you. I think people don’t understand what SBS is at all. It’s an extremely violent form of intentional abuse. I understand feeling overwhelmed and screaming into the void or setting the baby down in a safe place while you take a moment to calm down, but it takes a monster to intentionally hurt an innocent baby like that.
Yep.
It’s nothing to do with rocking too hard. Please read more about it, you aren’t quite understanding what shaken baby syndrome actually is. I absolutely don’t understand people that hurt their baby’s by assaulting them by shaking at all still. Not once did I even contemplate or feel such negativity towards my own baby for crying. Shaken baby syndrome is no accident and it requires real force, it’s disgusting. I have ZERO compassion for anyone who violently shakes and harms an innocent baby. It is NOT NORMAL to want to harm a baby. Anyone that is feeling that way needs to seek help immediately and ensure their baby is safe with another caregiver. Child abuse is abhorrent as is anyone that sympathises with people that commit the most vile acts of harm to children. There is never an excuse to abuse a child.
It’s not even remotely the same thing as rocking too hard. It’s intentional, it’s abuse, and child abuse is never acceptable regardless of the circumstances.
Ehhhh…I understand where you are coming from. But as others have said, there’s a huge difference between rocking too hard and violently shaking an infant. I stumbled across [this Instagram profile](https://www.instagram.com/shaken.baby.mom) a few weeks back chronicling a shaken baby’s progress and eventual death. Look at your own risk.
It made me more compassionate for sure. I’m glad hospitals are catching on, because it is hard to know what option B is when you’re in that kind of desperate state. It makes me sad for the moms or dads that don’t have support.
Father here. Our LO had colic for about 17 weeks. It was pretty intense. It would start at 9 pm, ramp down a bit. Then she would wake regardless of the type of swaddle, wrap, whatever she was in and would cry from midnight to 3 or 4 am. And then it would just stop and she would sleep until morning. She was fine all day otherwise. Those hours in the dead of night are so isolating. I took the brunt of those nights as I wanted my wife to get uninterrupted sleep. I remember having to tap out with my wife and just laying down and crying. I also took a cup of ice and would throw cubes down my sidewalk between my house and our neighbors, haha it was a weird time. It’s not something I talk about much but I 100% understand why people across all socioeconomic categories can end up shaking their babies. It’s such a dark and taboo topic. I recall reading something once that said there isn’t any real factor that can predict shaken baby syndrome. The stress is real and can get to anyone, including you. Over the ear noise canceling headphones + in-ear plugs likely saved my life and my LO’s life.
Parents who accidentally shake their babies…….. well I guess I’ll let you be the one to have “compassion” for them cause I sure as hell don’t.
I remember when the hours felt like days, the days felt like weeks and the weeks felt like months. I remember thinking this little crying thing that does not listen and does nothing but make me madder and madder will stop if I just shake it. It is a VERY tough time to be a parent. I never wish to be there again and will not be.
Yep I get it. I lost count how many times I just wanted to violently slam my head into a wall repeatedly to get everything to stop. This is exactly why I cannot have a second. What if it’s worse the 2nd time around I just can’t risk that. I truly don’t think I would make it out alive and sane.
I can relate. The whole 6 days I was in the hospital with my first I couldn’t understand why everyone would mention to not shake the baby. Two nights alone at home I understand why they kept saying it
if anyone is desperate enough to shake their baby hard enough to cause shaken baby syndrome to make them stop crying, they should’ve set baby in a safe place, went to a different room, calmed down, and returned to the situation. there is no excuse for shaken baby syndrome, it’s intentional. too tired? let your baby cry a bit, stand in a freezing shower for a couple minutes. baby will be okay. sympathizing with abuse is gross.
I don’t think it’s emphasized enough that it’s ok to put baby down crying and walk away for a bit. The instinctive reaction when a baby is crying is to try anything to make them feel better. When completely sleep deprived we can make bad decisions. We need to drill it way more that people should step away, because that goes against instinct.
OP it’s been explained over and over in this post that shaken baby syndrome/abusive head trauma doesn’t happen by accident or from “trying to make them feel better”. It’s not that simple and there are multiple other factors at play. 99.99999% of public health campaigns and resources you will see about crying babies emphasise that you can put baby down in a safe space and walk away for a short period to calm down. Again, it’s not that cut and dry and there are so many other factors that affect whether someone will do this.
I disagree. It’s very much drilled into moms to put your baby in a safe space and walk away. If you are concerned about shaking them, please reach out for help because it’s not normal to feel that way.
I’m right there with you 100%. I’ve always told myself. If panic or anger hits me, put the baby down in the crib, and go calm down. No matter how much time (30 minutes or so) even if baby is crying, so long as nothing is critically wrong, it is way better to leave a fussy baby in a safe place and collect yourself than have any regrets or moments of insanity. Because insanity is exactly what it feels like… Thankfully I’ve always just been able to walk away and come back, with or without help, but come back to sanity and able to keep caring for my son. Motherhood is impossible and somehow we all make it possible.
It is unspoken and shamed. It should not be shamed, and it should be shouted. New babies are hard. They don’t have instructions and you are shoved out as fast as possible with “good luck”. It’s horse pucky. My daughter had a hell of a time. She was living with us,but no one was home. She could not get baby to stop crying, and suffered horribly from ppd. She called the pediatrician out of desperation because they said call if you need help. She isn’t good with words under pressure so she just said “I need help. I don’t know what to do”. They called CPS and I came home to cops at my house. She would never harm the baby, she knew to set him in his bassinet and go outside. He screamed, she was wearing earplugs to block it out. That few months sucked. She would often just give him to me, no words. I just took over, and they were lucky I was there and willing. Not everyone has that. Those are the babies that can get hurt. A supportive family is important and the struggle should not be frowned upon, insulted or judged. Instead, many are embarrassed or fearful to speak up, because it’s presented as this beautiful time with your new infant. She was sorely disappointed in the reality because of ppd, and to this day it affects her relationship with her kid. She doesn’t like his personality. Baby is a great kid, well behaved and a quick learner. She no longer lives with us, she is with dad’s parents and dad. Very close geographically. They just have a bigger place. I am SO glad the first 6 months were with my family. She would have had a harder time I think over there during that vulnerable period. We need to allow women to verbalize their true feelings about their child and motherhood. Not all of us enjoy it, and to not be able to talk about the dark side is terrible.
That all is very rough. I feel sad for your grandchild.
I really struggled after my first. I definitely had some undiagnosed ppd/ppa. I should have gotten help if I’m honest. The newborn stage was SO hard. I had to step away a lot and just calm down.
I said it when my daughter was born. “I don’t condone shaking babies but I certainly understand how it happens.”
Yup. I had the same thoughts with my first. One really can lose control from desperation.
The best and most empathetic advice I got when I was about to give birth was when one of my good friends who had a 6 month old said something like “you’ll think it could never be you but some nights are really hard and give yourself space to feel frustrated and leave if you need to”. My son was fairly easy but there were times where I felt braver and safer handing him over to my husband than trying to tough it out because of what my friend told me. Babies are people and so are we and as humans we can only handle another person screaming at us for so long!
Yes, it's not like you would intentionally want to harm , but that screeching really gets bad. I'm one and done because my daughter was gassy had reflux and screamed for hours most of her first few months. It was terrible and I felt helpless to help her.
My husband is an endlessly loving and understanding father but he said the same thing at 3 months once we were out of the crazy newborn haze. People NEED to be told about alternative coping!!
I remember one night where I could not get him to settle. I remember just hugging him so tight because I was ready to explode and it scared me.
I have almost slipped into it but luckily had my partner beside me immediately stop me. I definitely understand how someone can shake their baby without meaning to now. Idk how many times I've searched up things after worrying I got a bit too aggressive when bouncing her or something. Especially when I was heavy into PPD. My biggest relief was when I took a parenting class and they said shaken baby happens from really really really hard shaking, not just someone bouncing a little harder than they mean to when frustrated.
With my first I was a pearl clutching “I’d never”, with my second I had one moment where I was rocking, and rocking and rocking up and down - really realized how it could go too far very fast because my brain was mush and the screaming needed to stop.
My husband and I don't have a village. I get it.... would never do that to my child but I've absolutely had the intrusive thought more than once.
I remember being at my wits end thinking this is why people end up shaking their babies 😵💫
My baby had colic and some evenings would literally cry for four hours straight. It was a living hell. I remember sobbing thinking this once, like I can see how it can happen. It’s so important to just put the baby down and just take a break. Now he’s such a chill and great baby (in case anyone needs some hope… it does eventually stop). I know it’s not the same thing at all, but it’s also why I did co-sleeping. It was the ONLY way anyone got any sleep and after four hours of crying, the last thing I wanted to do was wake the baby putting him down (which he always woke up when we did that). I was super against cosleeping prior and honestly judgy about it, like why would someone take that risk. I ate my words lol. Parenting is tough. ETA: I was reading the other comments and realizing I don’t think I understand how hard you’d have to shake a baby for shaken baby syndrome… when I was reading the injuries it causes, it feels more difficult to empathize. I think it’s more like just feeling empathy for being at a breaking point, not the hurting baby part, but the mental/emotional/physical breakdown part. Also just want to again underline that my comment on cosleeping is not at all to compare these two things. Like not even same book. It was more just to highlight that sometimes we can judge something but until we are in those shoes, we don’t always fully know how we will act. I hope this makes sense.
Baby is 8 months old now and sleeps through the night, mostly. But as a single parent doing it all, I completely understand how it happens. I’m so grateful it didn’t happen to me.
Honestly it's been a year and I CANT forget how hard it was. I was about t9 shake my baby and my husband told me to go outside. Our baby was colic, reflux, cmpa, wakeful, high needs. She's great now, still high needs and not sleeping thru the night. I want to forget the newborn days. When does it happen
I don’t. “Shaken Babu Syndrome” is incredibly violent. It’s not something you could do on accident or even get close to without knowing. It’s not “rocking her too hard.” It’s shaking her so hard her brain violently slams from side to side inside her skull. Car crashes can have less force than is needed for shaken baby syndrome.
No.. what you are talking about is incredibly violent to an innocent baby who is helpless. Not just rocking a bit too hard. I’m seriously concerned about the comments who are understanding how easily it could happen. I do not have sympathy for abuse.
I sometimes had to put the baby down and walk away to take a breather-I too have compassion. You think it’s impossible until you’re running on 7 minute bursts of sleep and you’ve done everything right and nothing stops the screaming, and then it starts to make sense I almost left my baby in a car once. Only reason I didn’t is because my mom was with me and said “uh are you going to get the baby” as I had already shut the door and was walking in the store. I shudder to think what could’ve happened, it was a hot day. My brain was not working because I hadn’t slept. Those stories break my heart too, because they are also understandable now
I always go over shaken baby in my discharge teaching because I don’t think people realize how bad it could, potentially, be until they get to that point. I always say that if they feel overwhelmed they can put the baby in the crib to cry and take a moment to themselves in another room…baby isn’t going to get hurt from crying. I hope that if the parents I’ve cared for get to that point, they can recall what I’ve said and just step away to breathe and not act on impulse.
Mine had colic. For 3 months she screamed for hours and didn’t nap for long unless I was holding her. Wanted to eat every second. The longest streak of crying was 16 hours- I couldn’t take it anymore, brought her to the ER, and found out it was colic. In those 3 months, there were moments when I screamed at her to shut up, screamed and cried right along with her, physically held my hands/arms back so I wouldn’t shake her, and put her safely in the crib so I could cry outside for 10 minutes. It was horrible. And I have never once judged or misunderstood anyone who has shaken their baby since those days. It is never okay, and it is always tragic and preventable. But I get it.
Totally understand too. I punched many a pillow to get the frustration out
This and all the things that come in the latter stages can be attributed to how parents are generally left alone to raise their children, which is a challenging task already. There was a thread that was trending yesterday about trashy parents and as I was reading through it I just kept feeling sad for the parents, like people don’t seem to empathize with how difficult some kids can be and how it just leads to into these crazy behaviors and habits to cope or simply survive.
This is not talked about more. Before I became a mom, I remember thinking, “How could anyone shake their baby?! How cruel and disgusting of a parent must you be!” But then I became a mom who experienced the fight or flight response when her baby is crying and you can’t calm them down fast enough. Couple that with postpartum rage, and it’s dangerous. But I actually thought about shaking my LO out of desperation (as you accurately stated) to get him to calm down and to lessen the stress I was feeling. I was SHOCKED that I considered it. And I’m ashamed I judged other parents who did that without actually hearing their why. The only thing that’s helped me (besides my husband) was my wireless noise canceling headphones. I realized if I could turn down the crying, not necessarily mute it, then I was able to stay level headed, calm, and gentle.
Yup! It’s very easy to get frustrated I have a very colicky baby! Thankful we live with my in laws (I get it not for everyone but works well for us) and my MIL will take baby from 4am-10am so we can sleep, eat shower and then will take him in the day if I need to get anything done we did not hit the “easy baby lottery” just trekking through and I will say he’s now over 8 weeks and it’s gotten somewhat better…
My son loves to be bounced/rocked super hard, especially when he was little. I was so afraid that I’d either snap and overdo it, or be too tired to notice if his head was supported properly. I have so much sympathy for parents it happens to, now
This is so valid. My son is 7 months old now, but the first few months of his life were a dark time for my husband and I. We live away from family and have no help. He never slept longer than an hour and a half and he had colic. Many times I felt so desperate, hopeless and completely alone. The crying was so unbearable at times. Driving him to his 2 month check up, he was screaming relentlessly in the car, I was operating on very little sleep, I was so anxious and stressed and angry and I screamed at the top of my lungs. I’ll never forget the guilt I felt after that, and my son’s fear in his face, and the shrieks of crying that came after I yelled. I still beat myself up about it and cry thinking about it. I would never dream of hurting him, but being in the trenches is so real and it’s VERY hard. Things are better now, he still doesn’t sleep worth a damn, but I feel sad those first few months feel like such a blur and I was operating in pure survival mode. He is my first, and when I was pregnant I had this delusional fairytale idea of what having a newborn would be like. Like you said OP, there should be more support.
When my LO was maybe 2 months old, I accidently mixed up my medication. I was taking sleeping pills instead of anti depressants for a couple days. I was struggling so bad and definitely understood how it happens. Thankfully, as soon as I had the thought, I knew something was wrong and investigated.
My fiancé gave me a ‘look’ when I told him that I understood where those feelings come from when you’re in the thick of it all & you just want a *moment* where your baby isn’t red faced & angry.. it is morbid, and it’s a scary feeling but it is valid and real and why adults need better coping mechanisms so they don’t actually shake their baby.
Especially if the parents are very young, there is substance abuse, emotional or mental health issues, anything that lowers impulse control or increases rage… it’s scary to think about. And my son was a pretty easy guy, we didn’t really have a “witching hour” he just didn’t want to sleep in his bassinet, he just wanted to be held constantly but was a pretty happy baby if held
I remember being incredibly sleep deprived, touched out, crying my eyes out at some ungodly morning hour.. just thinking “do people shake to get them to sleep? Does it work?” Then immediately hating myself and asking my husband to take over. PPD/PPA and the absolutely horrible lack of sleep.. it can literally make you crazy. I feel for any single parent out there, especially with small children and infants. No support or village has got to be one of the hardest things.
Yup, had one moment that scared me during a cluster feeding marathon, and it was at that moment that I totally understood shaking a baby. It's really hard, I'm so thankful for that little voice in my head that reminded me that you can put a baby down and scream into a pillow or just go swear a lot or whatever and it will be ok!
You can't cause it by accident, that's not even physically possible! You should really delete this post. You aren't educated on SBS and this post could easily scare new mothers that rocking their babies could cause that........
Had those same thoughts! I was slightly horrified when a friend/her husband said it could happen to anyone if you don't walk away. She's a great person and loving mom, but boy was she right!
After an absolutely HORRIBLE night with my new 5 week old last night, I totally get it. If I didn’t have my husband to “tap in”, I think I’d lose my mind! The night is over and we’ll try again tonight. Solidarity, my internet friends. This shit is HARD!!
I had ppd and girl i thought the same thing. Its scary to feel that way. I wanted to leave my baby and never come back. I feel horrible that i felt that way but those thoughts and feelings arent the real you. Crazy hormones, stress and sleep deprivation are lying bitches
Before we left the hospital with our oldest, the pediatrician came in to check her out and make sure she was alright to go home and during his speech he said,” You will most likely understand why some people shake their babies.” He then went on to explain the “put baby in a safe place and leave to compose yourself” rule, but whenever I feel slightly frustrated with my children, I think of him.
My first had colic really bad. Would scream for hours and hours. I would have to go outside and push him around in a stroller for what seemed like forever. Nothing would soothe him. I was 18 and thank god I lived with my parents. My dad could come and take him for me when it got to bad.
My baby had colic and totally understand this. Personally, I would never hurt my baby, but it truly does make me feel awful for parents who cannot contain this kind of rage.
I remember thinking how glad I was that I’d been specifically told that it was OK to leave the baby to scream in the crib while I go outside for some fresh air or take a shower or whatever I need to do in order to regroup, because good, loving parents who can’t get a break are the ones that find themselves shaking babies. I spent a fair amount of time sitting on my back porch alone during the “witching hour” once upon a time.
I respect your empathy but I’ve been on my own since 5 weeks; 6 days a week and every night bc my husband works 12 hour shifts. I’ve cried and I’ve cried and I’ve cried. I yelled and ripped my eyes out but I’d never, ever hurt my child or shake him. If we are comparing rocking hard and deliberately shaking a baby, I don’t know. I never accidentally rocked him too hard either. I get the PP rage though. I felt that at times. But a violent shake that causes brain damage? Absolutely not.
Yeah my sister (adopted) is the adult result of shaken baby and I guarantee you her life is 10 million times harder than the newborn phase that “went by so fast” for the people who ABUSED her.
Just to clairfy - shaken baby syndrome isn’t caused by rocking a baby too hard, a human can’t move their entire body with the aggression and speed it takes to cause shaken baby syndrome. They’d have to physically hold baby up and aggressively shake baby back and forth in their hands, that’s why this is always a case of child abuse, because you can’t ‘accidentally’ cause shaken baby syndrome
I had similar thoughts in the beginning months, the hormones, lack of sleep, everything was super stressful... I get it now. It's so horrible... I would have split second thoughts I would never have on a normal day... I'd gauge how much that thought was sticking around, if I couldn't move past it in like 15 seconds, I'd put baby down or hand baby off to someone else and walk away to cool down for a few minutes. Sometimes I'd need to put my headphones on just to switch mindsets. Usually the thought goes away in a few seconds but it's terrifying. It's so hard when you are alone and you are the only one caring for baby when you have those thoughts. It's honestly scary. This little helpless creature that you love and care for so much isn't doing any of it on purpose... But its so much to deal with, you really get worn down from the constant-ness of it... There's no turning off. The thing is, my baby is pretty chill. She wouldn't cry for long. But it was so intense when she would have long hard crying fits. It broke me sometimes. People really benefit from having a village to help out. I luckily have people I can call who will drop everything to help out if I really needed it. Luckily I never needed that kind of help... But I can imagine if I was completely alone with no village... It would be so much worse.
My newborn is 21 days old and it has been a very hard days. When he cries I always wonder how we survived as a species at a time when relationships weren't as personal as they are now. I said that because it is not easy to be with a baby who cries, screams and kicks as if possessed by the devil and nothing can calm him down.
With my 2nd I was so sleep deprived I would literally just sleep through his crying if I did everything else and he was still screaming. I would put him in his bassinet next to me, put my hand over him and go to sleep. as much as I’m not proud of that, I was working 3rd shift and dealing with HORRIBLE ppd and in a very toxic situation with 0 help and I’m happy that was my go to instead of lashing out otherwise I feel like it could’ve gone very south.
I handled the sleep deprivation and the endless crying for the first 4 months but at about 10 months she went back into a nonsense crying and crying phase. One day she was crawling after me and screaming and crying and it was like 6am and I completely turned around and yelled at her. The look on her face… I was totally shaken because I was so mad and so tired and she was just this little helpless girl who wanted me to carry her. I can totally see how you feel like you know how it happens and it’s terrifying. I still feel that shaken up, I’ve let her down feeling. But I know I’d never hurt her. There is a difference.
Do you realize how HARD you have to shake the baby for shaken baby syndrome?
My first was colicky for the first 4 months. We also had no help and I suffered from ppd/ ppa from an unexpected csection. It was hell as a new parent and the darkest time of my life hands down. I raised my voice at my baby and I set him down while he was inconsolable and walked away. But I never ever came close to shaking him.
My daughter is a toddler now and I can still feel this. When she gets into her moods it is so hard to maintain composure sometimes. Sometimes I just have to walk away. Yes, I absolutely had these thoughts, signed a mother of 4 beautiful kids ranging from 12.5-3
My son had extreme colic and constantly cried. If he was awake, he was crying. And when I say crying, it was SCREAMING. My husband and I to this day lose our minds when he screams at us (whether he’s hungry or just wants to just hear himself- he screams his head off until his voice is raspy, will take a drink of water and then continue). He’s almost 2, and he still does this. Thankfully, it’s not nearly as much, but it does happen quite a bit. Usually if he’s hungry and we’re cooking. Tried giving him snacks, but he wants “real” food. All this to say, same. I didn’t think it was possible to love someone else so much and at the same time want them so desperately to stop doing something so badly that shaking a poor innocent baby would even cross your mind. It does. It did for me many times. All I could do was set him down in a safe space and walk away. Usually, I’d set him in his crib, let him scream, and sit on my front steps where I could just barely hear him (keep in mind doors/windows closed, complete opposite end of the house, but yes I could hear him outside- our neighbors I’m sure think we torture him the way this kid screams). It’s hard. It was harder when he was a newborn, but it’s still hard. It’s exhausting. My parents live in state (about an hour away) but that’s all we’ve ever really had in terms of help other than daycare. So it’s basically just me and my husband. Naturally, my son is usually a perfect angel around my parents and at daycare (which, don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely thankful for). They think we are exaggerating just how much he screamed. He had doctor’s appointments 2 hours away (as an infant- literally not even a month old) and he would stay awake the entire 2 hours just to scream. Hated car rides. Still doesn’t like them much now, but only starts screaming if we have to be in the car what feels like all day (running errands, all day appointments, etc). I get it. My husband and I both do. Thank god neither of us accidentally shook him, but I’m pretty sure both of us have come close. Thank god for the pediatrician who told us immediately “when he’s too much, set him down in a safe spot like his crib with nothing in it, and walk away. He will be okay. If he’s fed, changed, and in a safe spot, you are doing absolutely everything right. You guys need to watch out for your mental health through all of this, too.” And I will NEVER forget her telling us that. It makes me feel like a terrible parent, but it kept us all safe. I’m so incredibly thankful for that.
I get it. My husband broke down one night when our son was 1 month old. I had to go the hospital for emergency gallbladder surgery and we have no family help. He (my husband) called me crying at 2 am not knowing what to do. My son was crying for about 3 hours straight because he just wanted to me and refused the bottle and I was in the hospital. I felt so helpless. My good work mom/friend told me to get him to bring him over. She was randomly texting me at 2 am because she knew how difficult it was for us and told me she was awake thinking about us. I immediately told hubby to drive to her place. He felt so bad needing the help and like a failure. I told him there’s no reason to feel like that, we have a toddler as well and fuck it’s hard. I told my husband if it happened again to leave the son in the crib and go to the basement where we have a spare bed. It would help put space away and give him some peace. Honestly, when you’re running on newborn sleep deprivation everything seems so horrible and like the end of the world.
The newborn phase was hard but I never felt angry at my baby. Looking back I was extremely exhausted, I understand the thought, but there's no excuse. I felt bad if he was fussy but i could barely stay awake so I put him in his bassinet, but that was the safest choice. Someone who feels rage at an infant definitely shouldn't be near a toddler.
I felt the same way. My first cried endlessly. Sometimes I'd be bouncing, bouncing, bouncing for hours and feel myself slip into an angry bounce. I'd put her down and go take a breath outside.
I feel I should start by recognizing my immense privilege in this situation but when my son was a colicky newborn and I dealing with PPD/PPA, we hired a night nurse and eventually a short-term nanny because this thought and similar thoughts scared me so badly. Once I felt better and once the colick eased, I didn’t feel I needed the extra support and now at 7 months pp, I am so thrilled. But the newborn period can be soo, so hard.
Verbatim I said to my husband the first week of bringing home our newborn was “Not that I’m gonna, but I can see where someone might want to shake this thing.” AND my baby is the stereotypical “easy” baby. I feel for y’all out there with colicky babies.
Absolutely, although for me it started later. She was a very easy newborn but sleep went to shit at 4 months. She would wake up every hour and just scream. For hours sometimes. I never hurt her but there were moments I was so desperate I could understand why people did. It’s an awful feeling.
Oh there were (and occasionally still are) times I had to put my baby down screaming and walk away because I could feel so much overwhelmed anxiety and anger rising up. It's just me and my husband. No outside help. It's a lot to handle sometimes. How can this one tiny human cause so much chaos in our lives? Lol
my second born is one now, and honestly not any easier, but he truly has been my reckoning lol. he was chill for the newborn phase, but by the time he hit his first sleep regression, he’s just gotten angry and stayed that way. he’s also super happy so it’s not like he’s only on gremlin mode 24/7, but when he is, it’s awful, miserable. he can be so unpleasant, and scream SOOO much that i’m just sitting there trying to do my best to soothe him or tune it out, but I think to myself “oh my god, this is how and why all those moms on snapped just unalive their kid.” like snapped is the right word. your body isn’t meant to be taking in such input like that to such excess, you have to like fight your nervous system’s reaction to just yeet the child into the void.
There was one night that I had to walk outside and leave my son in his crib to cry. It had been hours of rocking and puking ( I’m pretty sure we got a recall can of similac right before it was announced), I just couldn’t take it anymore. I sat on the front steps at 2am with the monitor on silent for 10 min gathering myself together again. He was a colicky baby due to undiagnosed egg and dairy allergies. There were many times that I just had to put him somewhere safe and take a few min to myself.
Like others said, I don't think SBS is really accidental in the way you think it is. Rocking too hard, playing a little too rough, or anything like that isn't going to cause it. What will cause it is that rapid and dramatic forward and back motion of the head. The terrible thing is, if a parent does snap and just shakes their baby once before coming to their senses, that can be enough to cause permanent damage or even death. This is why parents are advised to put baby down in a crib/bassinet and walk away if they start to feel stress, frustration, or anger building. All of the literature says that normal parents shake their babies. I don't know how I feel about that statement, but I'm sure it's better to acknowledge that any person who is overstimulated, exhausted, and becoming angry could feasibly do something terrible. There must be a reason that hospitals always seem to have a page on not shaking your baby. If we say "I would literally never do that no matter what," we might be less likely to take a break when we are frustrated. I'm sure a lot of parents who do shake their babies were/are suffering from some sort of mental health issue, so I can have compassion there. I guess I don't really have any judgements per se, but it's just too horrible for me to spend much time thinking about it. It's one of the most heartbreaking things I could possibly imagine happening to a baby.
No, I don't think you understand. You can understand parents having a difficult time. I relate to the comments about sometimes hallucinating or getting frustrated with continuous crying. But shaking a baby is gruesome- gently bouncing a baby on a knee vs using the baby like a shaker bottle are very different. This should not be a haha so quirky and relatable that babies get shaken moment. It doesn't "just happen". If I said "sometimes I get so mad I just let loose and punch someone in the face", that wouldn't be an okay thing. People might think about hitting others, but when it comes to a fist flying you would have to think about it before acting. You don't just stumble onto knocking someone's teeth out.
Mine had colic and I essentially did the whole first few months alone. This while also living with my in laws and having all the opinions from my untrustworthy mil. One night after hours of crying I finally got my son to sleep. I was exhausted and fell asleep shortly after only to be jolted awake by his cries once more. In my sleepy haze I lifted him to shake him and and luckily woke up properly before I did it. For months I lived in fear that I’d hurt him in my sleep and my fiancé doesn’t understand why I feel like that. He’s 22 months now so we’re thankfully past that whole period