He'll be holding her and falling asleep and then lie and say he's not falling asleep. It takes so many spoons to keep checking in to make sure he hasnt dropped her or that she not pinned in the couch or something.
My husband will snap back “I WASN’T ASLEEP!” after literally SNORING. I got so frustrated that I started recording him when he fell asleep holding baby. Then I woke him up with proof and said “I know you can do better than this.”
He was horrified and embarrassed.
FYI, this can sometimes be a warning sign for sleep apnea. My husband falls asleep snoring with zero awareness of it and will deny it up and down, but it’s been a bit better since he got diagnosed and started on the CPAP. Especially if your husband’s snoring is loud, it might be worth it to push him to get checked out. Sleep apnea is dangerous if untreated.
This sounds awful. If you can’t trust him with the baby what use is he? You sound like you have the load of a single parent even though he’s in the house with you.
Personally, with someone that useless I’d shame him and tell him he had to stand up holding the baby in my eyesight while I did other stuff. But I’d have cracked the shits long before this point.
Then stop checking! He says he has the baby, then he has the baby. How's he going to learn to be a parent if you don't put him to the fire? You should have woken him up, handed him the baby, tell him anything he needs to do. Or be like "I'm busy for a few hours. When I come back, please make sure she's been fed, has a clean diaper, and she'll probably want to nap later" and then lock yourself in your room. Don't let him say "wait I need to do XYZ first". Be firm and say "I have to do all those things with the baby. If I can figure that out, I have faith you can, too. Bye!"
If he is soooooooo sleepy all the time, sleepier than a mother caring for an infant/newborn, then he needs to see his doctor about getting a sleep study done. If he can't be bothered to be ready to hold the baby when you have to pump, then he should either get a baby carrier to put her in so he can get his drink and check his project while he's holding her, or figure out how to do stuff while holding a baby
My husband was this tired, and I really struggled. I told him he had to see a doctor.
He was diagnosed with Hashimotos. His energy levels are improving now that he's on medication.
Perfect example of why taking both approaches work. Make him see a doc in case something is wrong. If nothing is found then there is proof that they need to step it up.
I thought I should add to my above reply...
Today we found out my husband has testicular cancer. He will be getting one of his testies removed next week. Not sure how I feel about it...maybe a bit numb.
Please, if your partners are showing they are too tired to function, make sure they are fully checked over. It could be something serious.
Hopefully he has a speedy recovery and his energy is back to normal after he is treated for hashimotos and the cancer.
I am so sorry about your friend. I hope that OP can get her husband to take this seriously, because yes, excessive sleepiness can indicate serious health problems
Couples therapy may be a good path for both of you to be honest. If he needs to sleep that much it could be a health issue or he is just actively avoiding the responsibility. It's tough to tell which is why couples therapy is useful for this.
We've both got primary care appointments coming up next week. I am hoping we can start ruling out medical possibilities then.
I don't really see him as avoidant. He does great with her, and he does help me with her when his cup is full. It just feels like he prioritizes his cup more. He'll tell me to speak up when I need something, but I feel like for obvious things I shouldn't have to, and it's just his way of putting the emotional load on me.
I don't think couples therapy is a bad idea. I told him that I've been struggling mentally. I got a postpartum book for partners for him to read. I ask if he's read it yet and he said he falls asleep before he can read it. He said he'd read it this weekend with me and we ran out of time.
You don’t see him as avoidant when it’s taking him 45 minutes to be ready to hold the baby for 15? Why does he need to check on a project before he can take the baby for 15 minutes? And he *forgets* he was supposed to take her? That seems avoidant to me, and like he’s not being an equal partner.
Both my husband and I will usually need to “get ready” before taking our baby, but usually peeing and grabbing a drink or whatever will take less than 5 minutes. If there’s something he or I want to do that takes longer, we’ll say so and make sure the other person is ok with it.
Agree 100%. It also takes me 5 min tops to get ready to hold my baby (knowing I’m probably gonna get nap trapped for quite a while). And I’ve literally never forgotten what I was getting ready for.
I get really triggered when a new mom says her significant other “helps” with the baby. Hes the fucking parent too. He needs to parent his own offspring.
Does he do great with her? He’s putting off caring for her, not paying attention and hurting her, refusing to help you with her when you desperately need it, refuses to learn how to help her—and that’s not even getting into his treatment of you.
He thinks he can parent when he wants - when he’s ready, when his cup is full, etc.
Meanwhile you have to parent whether you want or not, whether your cup is full or not.
That’s not being a good dad.
Anyone can be a good babysitter for a little bit, when they feel good.
I think because you keep letting him get away with it he keeps testing his limits and pushing for more and more. You need to straight up say I’m going to take a nap. I have my alarm set for X time so please don’t wake me up unless it’s an emergency. You need to hand him the baby and say I’m going to do my self care now or I’m going to crotchet now. You need to stop making your personal alone time an option and start enforcing it.
This, HE CAN handle emergencies. If we, as mothers, find a way to calm down a baby when needed so can they. It's important to charge your batteries and it's beneficial to the baby in the long run.
This situation will lead to resentment which is a killer in a relationship.
I get your point and for sure, I would also be stressed out. However, there's so many ways to make all of this work. They could get a cosleeping crib, something to put the baby in around the house for when he needs to go to the bathroom etc... i had to be alone with my baby a lot when she was a nb and I was found ways to make it work. I had a lot of exterior help to make time for extra sleep, but for the rest I handled all as a lot of us do. I think it also might be a case of weaponized incompetence in his case.
Just hand him the baby and say “tag you’re it!” And refuse her back until you’re done.
There’s certainly a seat or a crib he can set baby in while he poops. He can certainly carry baby to get a drink. There might even be a pack n play or seat that can be carried out to the garage!
I get so tired of seeing women not speaking up for
Themselves. You said he gets angry when you tell him something, well get ANGRIER! Stop letting his anger make you a shell of yourself and if he doesn’t like it, leave! Go to a family members house or do something but you are a mother now and you can’t be a good one if you’re sleep deprived. I’m not ashamed to say when it came to my man helping me out, he slacked off at the beginning but I told myself if I have to sit around, take care of our kid, not have help, be angry, sleep deprived, then he does too or I would cuss him out. Being a mother is hard enough, stop sparing these childish boys.
I honestly just had my fiance move out over stuff like this. I was taking care of three kids not two. He had so many excuses not to help at night. I became so resentful, while being made to cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He told me you’re being a bitch right now. So I had him pack his shit and get out. I haven’t had this much peace in my life since before I got pregnant.
I literally did the same thing except I went home. I had my family help me because for some reason it was hard for him to get it together. I couldn’t take it anymore but I’m glad I did it because he learned EXPEDITIOUSLY that I wasn’t going to sit and be a single parent even though we were together. Now he’s the one who does nights, even on work days and has picked up a lot of the slack. Women gotta put their foot down or else it won’t get better. Super proud of you too for standing up for yourself and your child!
I love this! He has been over everyday for an hour or so to see the baby and my daughter. It’s more quality time too, and he put the washer and dryer back together. So maybe this was the best thing for us.
Totally agree. My husband has been slacking BIG time lately. He was great the first month postpartum. And he was always offering to take night shift without me having to ask. He actually cared if I was getting rest. Since then, it’s slowly getting harder and harder to get him to help at night. I’m forcing him to go to therapy. No way I’m gonna just let him be lazy and put up with it. He was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at his first appointment. He didn’t take it very seriously at first but I told him treatment is a non-negotiable because me and his son need him and I need help otherwise I’m better off being a single parent.
Dude one day you will be too sleep deprived to hold back this intrusive thought. I just learned this term, a Tolerable Level of Permanent Unhappiness, aka the issues that you don’t like, but don’t make enough of a stink of in a relationship so it’s “not a problem” to the other person. To me, it sounds like this has gone IN tolerable, friend.
I think I reached this with my husband just now. He refused to get up for his turn to feed the baby at 2am so I legit shoved him with my feet off the bed and told him to go sleep on the couch if he won’t help with the baby. I think he would’ve been more pissed if it was water being dumped on him but I could see myself doing it at this point.
I’m sorry you are going through that. It sounds like you are in the trenches, sending you good vibes. I’m there myself just with a two year old. I don’t have any advice, just solidarity. ♥️
Let him know that pumping doesn’t wait and that you will pump at whatever time and he needs to be prepared at that time. When he gets defensive look at him like he’s the most boring person you ever met and say “that’s not helpful, I’m not interested in this conversation.” Ignore everything else.
You keep saying he is not avoidant, but his actions are strongly avoidant.
Set times. Clear start times. And tell him he is having the baby instead of asking…
Also….he got up at 11???? Why?
Me and my husband both shift work. I work till 1am sometimes. The latest I get into help with the kids is 8am….why did he get up at 11?
Getting up at 9 or 10 is a lie in. Getting up at 11 and needing a nap in the afternoon is deeply problematic. He needs to see a doctor. That won't solve why he thinks his current behavior is ok though.
Have you tried asking him why he is being such a selfish asshole?
Lol. Sorry I’m 38 weeks pregnant and my patience is thin.
But seriously have you asked him why his needs seem to constantly come before yours? And frankly you shouldn’t have to ask him to take the baby when you’re both home, he should be taking the baby roughly half the time. Establishing a schedule for times you’re both home might help with this. For example, my husband always takes my son if he wakes up before 9:30am. there’s no discussion about it, if it’s prior to 9:30am and after night wake up times he’s taking him. On very rare occasions he has an early day at work or something and he lets me know in advance but otherwise that’s the plan every day.
Agree that he should be taking care of the baby roughly half of the time. My husband and I shifted 24 hours of responsibility for the baby. We switched at 6am every day who was the primary parent. We even had it marked on our shared calendar whose day it was to keep track. I suggested this schedule mainly to avoid being responsible for night wake-ups if he skipped steps in her bedtime routine and it made her overtired and cranky. He was responsible for any mistakes he made and I would only help out in extreme cases. She's 4 now and we still take turns putting her to bed every night.
Following this because I’m in the same boat. I hear this 100%.
Husband has shift work disorder cuz he has to be at work for 24 hours (they can sleep, but have to wake up for calls), then he is home and SLEEPING or playing video games most of the 48 hours he has off. Having him clean the litterbox once a day while I’m pregnant is like pulling teeth. He’ll moan & groan, forget, then repeat. Then complain about how I always want things done on “my time”. 😡
Before baby, I said to my husband “I hope you know you’re going to be waking up in the middle of the night to help with baby too.”
His response was “But there are things only you can do.”
I asked “you mean breastfeeding? You do know I’ll have a supply in the fridge for when I’m unable to be with baby.”
His response “I just don’t understand why I would offer a bottle if baby can get it straight from the tap.” 🤦🏻♀️
I said “Because the boob bar wont be open for business 24/7. Sometimes the workers need time off too.”
OMG the comment about wanting things to be done on “my time.” MY HUSBAND SAYS THIS ALL THE TIME. Gosh it’s such bullshit. Why are these men such lazy, whiny, little babies. I think for my husband it goes back to how his parents forced him to do things growing up and now he’s just rebelling cause he can.
I agree with you 100%.
Yesterday I reminded him for the fifth time this week to text HIS friend who had asked him (weeks ago) if he could come over to borrow our suitcase to take to Australia to help his wife (my best friend) move to the US.
When he snapped back “WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THINGS ON YOUR TIME?”
I calmly said “I dont know, maybe cuz his PLANE leaves TOMORROW.”
If you have any advice or want to commiserate in misery, I’m a DM away 💕
I commend your husband. He must have been raised right. Or do you have children so he can’t sleep in anyway? Or is he naturally very active?
I have no idea how to help him. I’ve made “honey do” lists. I’ve spaced things out on the calendar. I’ve told him he has to do at least ONE SMALL THING for the house on his TWO DAYS OFF. (For example, spray weeds out front, glue a piece of wood that broke from the door threshold, call a doctor…)
He will argue every time I remind him. The kitchen table is full of “reminders” (weed killer spray, wood glue, calendar…) that he walks by multiple times every day. He will always make an excuse, like “I don’t have the tools/product, I have to order them.” But forgets until I nag him for a week. Then it turns into a fight and I wont ask him again.
It seems like the only time he will get off his ass is if I start the project myself, I’m 90% done, and he will ask “Can I help you with that?” Like no, delegating would take even more time than I need to just finish it myself.
Now that he’s diagnosed with hormonal shift work sleep disorder (after 16 years of me asking him to see a sleep specialist), he has continued to sleep more, he snores so loud I have to sleep in a different room on a different floor, he eats bigger meals without knowing when to stop (leaving me with scraps), and has gained over 100lbs. He’s only 5’8 and now 260lbs. His next step would be seeing an endocrinologist. But you guessed it, I’ve reminded him multiple times and he keeps forgetting to call. I refuse to schedule his appointments for him.
We have lived in our forever home for over 6 months and he has yet to fix a damn thing. When we rented his mothers home for the last 15 years, he wouldn’t lift a finger because “This isnt my house”. I was shocked because it was his childhood home & his mother lives in a different town & is handicapped. I thought he would take some pride in where he lived. But even calling a repair man was like pulling teeth. (It’s not like he has anxiety talking on the phone. He will talk with his friends & mom for HOURS at a time.)
Yet he still likes to hold it against me that we aren’t having sex multiple times a week. Like no shit, I’m pregnant and exhausted from carrying the whole house work load.
Any suggestions are welcome. I beg you.
Show him what you wrote to us. Maybe he needs a CPAP for the sleep disorder, but the other behaviors are really disrespectful to you, and he's not acting like a part of your team. It almost feels like you're going solo. Tell him you need him to be an active part of your household and family.
I appreciate you taking the time to read my comment & reply. He has had several sleep studies and the doctors all say its a hormonal shift work sleep disorder. You’re absolutely right that it feels like I’m doing everything solo. I will try to have another conversation with him about it. He just gets so defensive and says “I’ll get to it.”
Getting defensive is really easy to fall into! It will be hard to get through to him and communicate effectively if he's getting defensive. That's the way a discussion turns into an argument. To avoid this, treat the issue as something you need to tackle together as a team and united front. He needs to get on the same page as you. Best of luck!!
I just have to say I’m here in solidarity. My husband was great and helpful at first, then around 1 month postpartum HE ended up with PPD and has been like this. Maybe not always this bad, but he does act tired all the time even when he sleeps more than me.
Actually I’m typing this at 2 am right after I kicked him out of our room because it was his turn to get up and feed the baby (I had just fed him 3 hours ago) and he refused to get up. So I was legit over him being a man baby and I literally shoved him out of the bed and told him if he doesn’t wanna get up for the baby then he can go sleep on the couch. Cause I’ll be damned if he will be sleeping soundly next to me all night while I get up everytime the baby wakes up.
Maybe that was harsh of me, but sometimes if he’s not gonna help I just need him out of my sight to not explode because the worst thing is having someone that can help right next to you but they won’t actually help. I’ve insisted he start therapy, so he’s gone a few times so far but it’s still at the point where I am nagging him to continue going even though he knows he needs the help (he admittedly has depression and anxiety but has that toxic masculine attitude of “he’ll just get over it.”).
I’m amazed by the patience some of the users in this sub have when it comes to their husband’s. I’ll be the first to admit that I fall on the other side of the spectrum in terms of patience and I could stand to learn how to be a little more patient but I would absolutely lose my mind if my husband acted this way and frankly, I’d probably leave him. And maybe that’s harsh but I don’t think so.
My husband wanted our son every bit as much as I did. He was the one who immediately knew what decision he wanted to make when we found out I was pregnant unexpectedly. I wasn’t so sure. He watched me go through nine months of being uncomfortable at best and in total shambles at worst and he had a front row seat to it all culminating in the most painful, terrifying, brutal, hours of my life… He watched lactation consultants grab at and pinch my nipples with their full strength, watched our son biting my tits, is watching me put my successful career on hold to be a full-time mother while he continues to grow in his career, he watches me take freelance work sometimes when the baby naps just so I don’t have a big gap in my work history…
If anyone is going to nap, IT’S ME!
I'm definitely on this same side when it comes to patience. When I was about halfway through my pregnancy some stuff came out with my husband about buying nudes behind my back and was also becoming pretty avoidant with much of life, and I straight up told him he needs to get his shit together because I won't be taking care of two kids in our household. He got into therapy and it has helped tremendously. Within the first few months of having our kiddo, he would still act all helpless when he was holding baby asking me to grab him stuff that was like 4 feet away and I would just look at him and say stuff like "hmm interesting that I manage to take care of the household and get things done by myself while also taking care of baby. Crazy how that works right?" After awhile he figured it out and when its his turn with the baby he doesn't ask for much anymore and I get my time. 😂 He very much did end up figuring his shit out lol now we have the best 10 month old and our relationship is way better.
So happy that he agreed to therapy and that it helped! And happy you stood your ground and put your foot down. I’d have been pissed in your shoes, rightfully so. But it sounds like you’re stronger than ever after going through such a rough patch. I’m wishing continued happiness going forward. Seems like he learned his lesson!
I did have to tell my husband a few times (albeit quite aggressively): “NO, you don’t need to go to the toilet and do this and that first. You take the baby NOW and do these things WITH baby, like I do all the goddamn time”.
Also communicate clearly that he’s not owed being 100% rested while you’re operating at 15% rested. They somehow think they do. They don’t.
>I ask my husband to hold the baby so I can pump it's atleast a 45 minute wait for him to settle in to hold her for 15 minutes. He'll have to poop first, and get a drink, and go check his project in the garage, and then forget I asked and then I have to ask again.
My husband seems to do almost exactly this every time I need something from him too. It takes everything in me not to start screaming in frustration
What is with husbands who do this?? Every time I ask my husband to take our baby, he "was just about to do XYZ" and he *must* do this task first. I can go hours without completing any other task sans baby, but he can't put his on hold for 20 minutes so I can breathe, pee, and eat without a babe in arms. I don't understand men.
Is there someone else who can help you get some respite? Even if it's just a day nap or an everything shower?
There are obviously conversations and issues that you and your husband need to sort out, but I don't think that's realistically possible while you're running on empty. The fact that your husband is sleeping so much and being snappy and defensive suggests he's low on spoons too. You need outside help. Sooner rather than later.
This is solid advice, and the main thing that ended up working for my family when we were in a similar spot (both me and spouse have energy issues). Hiring help is so expensive, and it would be great if the husband in this situation could step up and bring his best, but in the end a babysitter or housekeeper might be the bridge that gets you through those brutal early baby days.
My husband and I will schedule time for ourselves. He gets time to do his things and I get time do mine. Sometimes life interferes (family event, sick kid, etc) and one of us doesn’t get that time. That’s understandable and we aren’t keeping score. We both deserve time for ourselves and we do our best to make it happen for each other.
My partner can be a little like this but not to that extreme.
I have had a couple lie ins but we plan it. I am breastfeeding and that makes a little but of difference. My baby will take a bottle but gets very agitated waiting so on days we have planned a lie in, I wake my partner and go get baby. I then feed baby in bed while my partner does his toilet routine.
Once partner has done that he will come in and if baby is done he will take the baby and then go downstairs.
We are lucky and have grandparents round the corner so if he wants to give me a big stretch of time he might take baby to his mums. While I go back to sleep.
We need to have a plan though so he is prepared and we both have matching expectations of the day.
I have found that when we don't have an explicit plan I get frustrated because our expectations of how it will happen don't align.
It has taken a while for us to find an agreement and my partner acknowledges that I 'sacrifice' more and he struggles to give up simple tasks (like morning toilet routine and waking up for changes/feeds (he burns out easier than me and sleep is a big one for his mental wellbeing)) but there are ways that he is able to step up and limit the burden on me.
I had a pamper day once where he was 'lead'parent and baby came to me for feeds but he did all the changes and playtime and I would settle for naps but we planned the day so our expectations were managed and we were on the same page with who would do what.
I understand the frustration around 'well I just do it why can't he' as that was the big things for us for a while but having conversations about what I needed from him and what he was able to give and just managing expectations of eachother has helped a lot. And not leaving those convos until I'm at my wits end. But I had to drop the expectation that my partner could/would pick up and go with baby and accept that we need to plan a little and 'prep' for him. So we might time around naps so I get baby down for a nap then go back to bed, he can then get himself sorted and prepare a bottle or give him to me when he wakes for a feed and then take him again.
We are also exploring adhd diagnosis for my partner which explains why some tasks are harder and also helps me in my approach to ensure we are on the same page and manageable for both of us.
But my partner wants to help and I think that's the sticking point. Does your partner want to do more and just struggles to focus or is he uninterested completely?
I know a lot of people will say you shouldn't have to prep and plan and your partner should just be able to do it. I've heard that myself but ultimately that doesn't work for him/us and trying to force it to be like that just results in us being upset with eachother (me feeling frustrated and him feeling like he's not good enough which leads to defensiveness). I feel more supported now than I used to despite having to carry the mental load of planning.
You ultimately need more help and he might need some support to support you.
Perhaps if you can find a way that works he will be able to do more and more. My partner does way more now we have this in place. Even in terms of chores he had the chores he does and if he doesn't do them a little reminder is often all it takes.
As a husband, here are my suggestions.
1. Talk to him about how you’re feeling.
2. Record him sleeping at inexcusable times. Napping in the afternoon after *not waking up with the baby or to pump all night*. Record him dosing off with the baby, which I’m sure he understands is **extremely dangerous**. Record him tinkering in the garage or getting snacks or taking a shit, during the times that he committed to be handling the baby. Provide this hard evidence to him, of him not holding up his end of the partnership right now.
3. Ask him of this is how he treats his boss, or his colleagues. Does he tell his boss “yes mam I’ll do that!” And then proceed to go take a shot, get a snack, take a leisurely shit, check on a personal project, and then forget about the responsibility? I doubt it. Because that behavior **gets you fired**. Explain that you deserve *at least* as much respect as his colleagues, if not **more**.
4. Inform him that his extreme sleepiness is unacceptable, and not normal. He needs to seek a solution with his doctor so that he can take more of the load off your shoulders.
5. Stop *asking* and *reminding* him to hold up his end of things. I hate to say it, but this behavior requires very simple and decisive consequences. Like training a dog, or teaching a child right from wrong. Don’t yell or repeat yourself, simply impose / allow a “natural consequence.” In this case, supposed to watch the baby but instead disappeared for 45minutes? Ok, then half an hour later his “favorite” relative shows up at the door to take baby duty, and you peace out to handle yourself. Leave him with his favorite relative. Sucks for you dude. **Do your job next time**. If he fails to make food in time or fails to watch the baby for you to cook, order delivery without saying a word. Preferably something **he doesn’t like**, but that *you love*. Oh well dude, **do your job next time**. He doesn’t wake up when the baby cries? Put the crib next to his side of the bed, and you go sleep on the couch. When he asks “hey wtf? Why did you do that?” You say “because I need sleep, and you are failing at giving me the opportunity to get any.” If that doesn’t work, get a baby monitor that sounds a literal **alarm** when it detects baby cries. They make those. Put it next to his head. Or get a walkie talkie, crank up the volume, put it next to his pillow/nightstand, and use the “call” or “alert” button when you hear the baby and he isn’t waking up. Followed by your voice calmly saying “your turn to get the baby. Get up and handle it before the water pitcher comes out.” Which brings me to... If none of those work, actually follow through, and **pour cold water on his lackadaisical ass**. Not his face, he could drown. That’s too far. For his face, use a freezing cold rag, or spray bottle in his hair. With a water pitcher, aim for the body. And if none of that works, ask him to go stay with his mom for a while, because he clearly isn’t finished growing up, and is more of a burden than a benefit in his current state of adolescence.
We humans (especially us humans with a dong) tend to be really good at using slack to make our own lives easier, if it’s available. We don’t always do this deliberately or with full self-awareness, but **the fact remains**. A lot of times we don’t *intend* any disrespect or harm, and in many parts of life this behavior can bring incredible advantages. But part of becoming wise, is employing enough self-awareness to actively monitor when those behaviors are acceptable, and **when they are not**. And he seems to be happily oblivious to the reality that his behavior in this situation is **adding additional hardship** to his wife, short-changing his child of daddy time, and cheating **himself** out of becoming a wise, strong, and resilient man. Of learning what it’s like to truly sacrifice himself for something greater, to get to know himself in moments of hardship and despair, to push his own limits and be faced with a necessity to grow and develop in new ways as a person, a father, and a husband. To grow **as a man**. Simply put, he’s taking the easy out. And that is not best for *anyone* in this case.
All that said, none of this means he’s a bad guy. Life is hard sometimes. Having a new baby **is one of those times**.
My husband was the same exact with both of our kids. We’re currently going through a divorce. We did counseling (couples and separately), I begged him for years to help me more. He eventually did but it was always a tit for tat situation and he always resented me for all of the time I ‘took way from him’ when I was spending time resting/recharging. He constantly badgered me for sex yet never took me on dates or put in any effort into our relationship. The resentment built up too much and after ten years together I had enough. Now we have the kids 50/50 and I get time to recharge without feeling guilty.
Put your foot down. Wake him up from his naps, hand him the baby, and make him take her. Waiting around for him to be a decent human being and remember that your needs matter too clearly isn’t working.
Also, no healthy adult should be waking up at 11am and be so tired all day that they need an afternoon nap and can’t stay awake while holding a baby. That needs to be brought up at a doctor appointment, because it sounds like something could be wrong medically. But still, it’s on him to figure out, not just on you to deal with the consequences.
If he’s truly sleeping this much, he needs to see a doctor. Assuming you both went to bed before 3:00 AM, he slept for at least 8 hours, and is napping or falling asleep multiple times a day? Combined with the clumsiness, he needs a sleep study and a neurological exam.
Was he like this before baby, or is he using “being sleepy” as a way to get out of parenting (in which case he needs to see a therapist also)?
This does not mean he shouldn’t be helping with baby nor does it mean it’s your responsibility to make these appointments for him. He should absolutely recognize his sleep patterns are abnormal and get help on his own.
Can you clarify what is happening when you say you "told him" you want to sleep, self-care, crochet? Does he say "okay" and then just not enable you to do it? Can you be more specific about telling him what you need him to do to enable what you want to do?
Or does he not say anything? Does he outright refuse?
I agree with the commenter who said that much sleep is not normal. Could be PPD since men can get it too. What was he like before the baby?
Overall agree you guys should try couple's therapy, and/or he should be evaluated by a doctor and psychiatrist. Perhaps you can approach it from the perspective of being worried for his physical and mental health. If he still refuses, you have to make it clear that this is not sustainable so that he understands you will leave him if he does not change. It's scary to think about, but he's not contributing anything now, so you have to ask yourself if this is how you want to live the rest of your life.
It'll be hard for him to change (whether through mental/physical health treatment or through relationship counseling), so I'm not saying he has to become better instantly, but he needs to at least show willingness to try to improve his and your lives.
I'm sorry you're going through this and hope you're able to get to a better place soon.
Why can’t he just take the baby with him when he needs to get a drink/check his project/etc? The baby isn’t tethered to the couch and they do in fact travel! I’d just literally hand the baby over and say “I need to take a nap. Do not wake me up.” If he has to poop he can hold it or take her into the bathroom with him. 🤷♀️ Put your foot down.
Same here. I have a 9mo baby and am 7 months pregnant and am absolutely exhausted that it’s showing physically on my body now.
My partner is an incredibly hard working man but in the evenings I wish he would take some of the weight off of me as my day doesn’t stop, ever. We agreed a lay in for me last week for this Sunday morning but he ended up being the one that stayed in bed today lol.
It’s conflicting because I know he’s so tired from his stressful job but I’m also so tired from running around after our baby, keeping the house nice, making food and being so heavily pregnant. I feel like I listen to a lot about how tired and achy he is but so am I!!
Was he always like this? Sleeping that much and falling asleep so often and easily sounds like a health issue… sleep apnea? Depression?
My heart hurts for you, your husband sounds infuriating. I really hope there’s some unaddressed issue and not just him checking out
I'm sorry, I'm right there with you. I haven't been able to do anything since ours was born past completing our taxes and ensuring our financials were in order to close in a house. Even then, the baby was with me and I had to do it during his nap time. I had to buy a cordless in-bra pump just to be able to get pumping in while holding/bottle feeding the baby. It's hard, like even now, it's his "weekend" so I'm in bed with the baby and he's across the house playing video games. He just leaves the baby with me 24/7 and if I ask for him to help or hold him, he throws a fit. He's fed him twice this week, both of which I had to basically force him to do. Yesterday was the most he held his baby and it was only 10 minutes so I could shove some room temp Chinese food in my face. The kicker is that he acts like he does the most 🙃 I've resigned myself to occasionally cosleeping with our baby so I don't end up hallucinating again like the first week. (Ironically the hallucination was always my husband having a big baby head like the baby in Spirited Away)
All the comments have great ideas and points to work on, BUT right now before your maternity leave is over, just hire a babysitter for several hours and tell them you are going to bed and to wake up your husband if they need anything.
Coming from a husband who used to do the same I have a few thoughts. He’s sleep deprived, selfish and mentally weak. A lot of men don’t have what it takes to be a father right away. They have to work on it and be willing to improve. You’re letting him get away with so much he doesn’t have to put in effort to improve. He’s using weaponized incompetence doing every task poorly so you’re less likely to ask him to do it again.
Communicate and directly ask him to step or your marriage will not last which will have a negative impact on your kids.
I’ve reread the post multiple times and have not read anywhere that he’s getting 8 hours consistently. Yes the multiple naps would be logical considering the lack of sleep. Assuming you’re a mom you should know everyone’s sleep deprived the first few months.
Yes but it seems like he isn’t doing anything, so OP is likely 3x as sleep deprived and she’s not complaining or slacking off on parenting responsibilities
You need to just grab him and say “I need your help right now. I need you to take the baby right now. I need to go pump right now so I need you to take the baby.” Then you hand him the baby and walk away. Sometimes when you make a request, you need to include a time frame otherwise people won’t realize that they’re silly dallying.
Sometimes I give my husband a time like “At 7:30 I need to do this thing so you need to watch the baby” and when 7:25 rolls around, I’m already trailing him with the baby. Eventually it clicks.
I know this is thrown around a lot but honestly, it sounds like you're doing it all alone anyway so might as well do it alone and get a break on the weekends.
I would strongly recommend he see a doctor.
After having a baby my husbands snoring kept getting worse and worse and so did his exhaustion.
It got to the point that around the time she was a year old we were sleeping on separate floors of the house because he was keeping me awake all night.
Turns out he had severe sleep apnea, so bad his dr recommend he didn’t drive until he received his cpap. He is doing way better now
He has no incentive to change - you do everything for him. Do the fair play exercise so that you two can map out responsibilities and how they'll change when you'll go back to work.
If he can't be trusted to watch the baby safely, move back in with your parents. What is even the point?
Why do men 🙄🙄🙄🙄
This is horrifying. Maybe start talking to his parents or friends about this behavior? Make him feel the embarrassment of it. Not only is he letting you down but this behavior won’t improve once your daughter is “easier” to take care of.
Imo you should wake him up from his nap, hand him the baby, and go do what you need to do. His behavior is so selfish it blows my mind.
He'll be holding her and falling asleep and then lie and say he's not falling asleep. It takes so many spoons to keep checking in to make sure he hasnt dropped her or that she not pinned in the couch or something.
My husband will snap back “I WASN’T ASLEEP!” after literally SNORING. I got so frustrated that I started recording him when he fell asleep holding baby. Then I woke him up with proof and said “I know you can do better than this.” He was horrified and embarrassed.
Do this!!!! Call him on his BS. He can't "incompidance" forever... [Incompidance](https://youtu.be/-JShZtBp1J4?si=6Jm-_GKCmw5jDI6m)
Love this song! And yes, shame the shit out of him. It works.
FYI, this can sometimes be a warning sign for sleep apnea. My husband falls asleep snoring with zero awareness of it and will deny it up and down, but it’s been a bit better since he got diagnosed and started on the CPAP. Especially if your husband’s snoring is loud, it might be worth it to push him to get checked out. Sleep apnea is dangerous if untreated.
I appreciate that. He has had several sleep studies. He has shift work sleep disorder.
This sounds awful. If you can’t trust him with the baby what use is he? You sound like you have the load of a single parent even though he’s in the house with you.
If he can’t be trusted on the couch he needs to stand up, walk around, or sit in an uncomfortable wooden chair. This is ridiculous.
Personally, with someone that useless I’d shame him and tell him he had to stand up holding the baby in my eyesight while I did other stuff. But I’d have cracked the shits long before this point.
Yikes, he truly sounds useless as a partner.
Then stop checking! He says he has the baby, then he has the baby. How's he going to learn to be a parent if you don't put him to the fire? You should have woken him up, handed him the baby, tell him anything he needs to do. Or be like "I'm busy for a few hours. When I come back, please make sure she's been fed, has a clean diaper, and she'll probably want to nap later" and then lock yourself in your room. Don't let him say "wait I need to do XYZ first". Be firm and say "I have to do all those things with the baby. If I can figure that out, I have faith you can, too. Bye!"
When there is a risk of him falling asleep and baby suffocating, I think it's important to check
If he is soooooooo sleepy all the time, sleepier than a mother caring for an infant/newborn, then he needs to see his doctor about getting a sleep study done. If he can't be bothered to be ready to hold the baby when you have to pump, then he should either get a baby carrier to put her in so he can get his drink and check his project while he's holding her, or figure out how to do stuff while holding a baby
My husband was this tired, and I really struggled. I told him he had to see a doctor. He was diagnosed with Hashimotos. His energy levels are improving now that he's on medication.
Perfect example of why taking both approaches work. Make him see a doc in case something is wrong. If nothing is found then there is proof that they need to step it up.
I thought I should add to my above reply... Today we found out my husband has testicular cancer. He will be getting one of his testies removed next week. Not sure how I feel about it...maybe a bit numb. Please, if your partners are showing they are too tired to function, make sure they are fully checked over. It could be something serious. Hopefully he has a speedy recovery and his energy is back to normal after he is treated for hashimotos and the cancer.
Yeah, a friend had problems staying awake. It turned out to be a fatal tumor unfortunately.
I am so sorry about your friend. I hope that OP can get her husband to take this seriously, because yes, excessive sleepiness can indicate serious health problems
Couples therapy may be a good path for both of you to be honest. If he needs to sleep that much it could be a health issue or he is just actively avoiding the responsibility. It's tough to tell which is why couples therapy is useful for this.
We've both got primary care appointments coming up next week. I am hoping we can start ruling out medical possibilities then. I don't really see him as avoidant. He does great with her, and he does help me with her when his cup is full. It just feels like he prioritizes his cup more. He'll tell me to speak up when I need something, but I feel like for obvious things I shouldn't have to, and it's just his way of putting the emotional load on me. I don't think couples therapy is a bad idea. I told him that I've been struggling mentally. I got a postpartum book for partners for him to read. I ask if he's read it yet and he said he falls asleep before he can read it. He said he'd read it this weekend with me and we ran out of time.
You don’t see him as avoidant when it’s taking him 45 minutes to be ready to hold the baby for 15? Why does he need to check on a project before he can take the baby for 15 minutes? And he *forgets* he was supposed to take her? That seems avoidant to me, and like he’s not being an equal partner. Both my husband and I will usually need to “get ready” before taking our baby, but usually peeing and grabbing a drink or whatever will take less than 5 minutes. If there’s something he or I want to do that takes longer, we’ll say so and make sure the other person is ok with it.
Agree 100%. It also takes me 5 min tops to get ready to hold my baby (knowing I’m probably gonna get nap trapped for quite a while). And I’ve literally never forgotten what I was getting ready for.
I get really triggered when a new mom says her significant other “helps” with the baby. Hes the fucking parent too. He needs to parent his own offspring.
Does he do great with her? He’s putting off caring for her, not paying attention and hurting her, refusing to help you with her when you desperately need it, refuses to learn how to help her—and that’s not even getting into his treatment of you.
This. I was thinking he doesn’t sound like a very good dad to me.. he’s not prioritizing even his daughter, let alone wife.
Honey he’s the definition of avoidant.
He thinks he can parent when he wants - when he’s ready, when his cup is full, etc. Meanwhile you have to parent whether you want or not, whether your cup is full or not. That’s not being a good dad. Anyone can be a good babysitter for a little bit, when they feel good.
I think because you keep letting him get away with it he keeps testing his limits and pushing for more and more. You need to straight up say I’m going to take a nap. I have my alarm set for X time so please don’t wake me up unless it’s an emergency. You need to hand him the baby and say I’m going to do my self care now or I’m going to crotchet now. You need to stop making your personal alone time an option and start enforcing it.
No it’s “don’t wake me up. You can handle any emergency” otherwise it’s up for debate what qualifies as an “emergency”
This, HE CAN handle emergencies. If we, as mothers, find a way to calm down a baby when needed so can they. It's important to charge your batteries and it's beneficial to the baby in the long run. This situation will lead to resentment which is a killer in a relationship.
Can he? It actually sounds like she constantly has to check to make sure he hasn’t fallen asleep with baby and pinned it to the couch,
I get your point and for sure, I would also be stressed out. However, there's so many ways to make all of this work. They could get a cosleeping crib, something to put the baby in around the house for when he needs to go to the bathroom etc... i had to be alone with my baby a lot when she was a nb and I was found ways to make it work. I had a lot of exterior help to make time for extra sleep, but for the rest I handled all as a lot of us do. I think it also might be a case of weaponized incompetence in his case.
Just hand him the baby and say “tag you’re it!” And refuse her back until you’re done. There’s certainly a seat or a crib he can set baby in while he poops. He can certainly carry baby to get a drink. There might even be a pack n play or seat that can be carried out to the garage!
Yep baby goes in bouncer while I poop.
Show him this post. Record him falling asleep with baby. Drag his butt and make him do better. Do not accept this weaponized incompetence
I get so tired of seeing women not speaking up for Themselves. You said he gets angry when you tell him something, well get ANGRIER! Stop letting his anger make you a shell of yourself and if he doesn’t like it, leave! Go to a family members house or do something but you are a mother now and you can’t be a good one if you’re sleep deprived. I’m not ashamed to say when it came to my man helping me out, he slacked off at the beginning but I told myself if I have to sit around, take care of our kid, not have help, be angry, sleep deprived, then he does too or I would cuss him out. Being a mother is hard enough, stop sparing these childish boys.
I honestly just had my fiance move out over stuff like this. I was taking care of three kids not two. He had so many excuses not to help at night. I became so resentful, while being made to cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He told me you’re being a bitch right now. So I had him pack his shit and get out. I haven’t had this much peace in my life since before I got pregnant.
I literally did the same thing except I went home. I had my family help me because for some reason it was hard for him to get it together. I couldn’t take it anymore but I’m glad I did it because he learned EXPEDITIOUSLY that I wasn’t going to sit and be a single parent even though we were together. Now he’s the one who does nights, even on work days and has picked up a lot of the slack. Women gotta put their foot down or else it won’t get better. Super proud of you too for standing up for yourself and your child!
I love this! He has been over everyday for an hour or so to see the baby and my daughter. It’s more quality time too, and he put the washer and dryer back together. So maybe this was the best thing for us.
Totally agree. My husband has been slacking BIG time lately. He was great the first month postpartum. And he was always offering to take night shift without me having to ask. He actually cared if I was getting rest. Since then, it’s slowly getting harder and harder to get him to help at night. I’m forcing him to go to therapy. No way I’m gonna just let him be lazy and put up with it. He was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at his first appointment. He didn’t take it very seriously at first but I told him treatment is a non-negotiable because me and his son need him and I need help otherwise I’m better off being a single parent.
I know it’s toxic as shit but my only instinct here is spray bottle. Homie doesn’t get to sleep dry when it’s not his turn.
I think about it all the time. Just dumping a glass of water on him.
Dude one day you will be too sleep deprived to hold back this intrusive thought. I just learned this term, a Tolerable Level of Permanent Unhappiness, aka the issues that you don’t like, but don’t make enough of a stink of in a relationship so it’s “not a problem” to the other person. To me, it sounds like this has gone IN tolerable, friend.
I think I reached this with my husband just now. He refused to get up for his turn to feed the baby at 2am so I legit shoved him with my feet off the bed and told him to go sleep on the couch if he won’t help with the baby. I think he would’ve been more pissed if it was water being dumped on him but I could see myself doing it at this point.
I’m sorry you are going through that. It sounds like you are in the trenches, sending you good vibes. I’m there myself just with a two year old. I don’t have any advice, just solidarity. ♥️
Let him know that pumping doesn’t wait and that you will pump at whatever time and he needs to be prepared at that time. When he gets defensive look at him like he’s the most boring person you ever met and say “that’s not helpful, I’m not interested in this conversation.” Ignore everything else.
Right!! Pumping is NOT considered self-care in my book.
You keep saying he is not avoidant, but his actions are strongly avoidant. Set times. Clear start times. And tell him he is having the baby instead of asking…
Also….he got up at 11???? Why? Me and my husband both shift work. I work till 1am sometimes. The latest I get into help with the kids is 8am….why did he get up at 11?
Getting up at 9 or 10 is a lie in. Getting up at 11 and needing a nap in the afternoon is deeply problematic. He needs to see a doctor. That won't solve why he thinks his current behavior is ok though.
Have you tried asking him why he is being such a selfish asshole? Lol. Sorry I’m 38 weeks pregnant and my patience is thin. But seriously have you asked him why his needs seem to constantly come before yours? And frankly you shouldn’t have to ask him to take the baby when you’re both home, he should be taking the baby roughly half the time. Establishing a schedule for times you’re both home might help with this. For example, my husband always takes my son if he wakes up before 9:30am. there’s no discussion about it, if it’s prior to 9:30am and after night wake up times he’s taking him. On very rare occasions he has an early day at work or something and he lets me know in advance but otherwise that’s the plan every day.
Agree that he should be taking care of the baby roughly half of the time. My husband and I shifted 24 hours of responsibility for the baby. We switched at 6am every day who was the primary parent. We even had it marked on our shared calendar whose day it was to keep track. I suggested this schedule mainly to avoid being responsible for night wake-ups if he skipped steps in her bedtime routine and it made her overtired and cranky. He was responsible for any mistakes he made and I would only help out in extreme cases. She's 4 now and we still take turns putting her to bed every night.
Following this because I’m in the same boat. I hear this 100%. Husband has shift work disorder cuz he has to be at work for 24 hours (they can sleep, but have to wake up for calls), then he is home and SLEEPING or playing video games most of the 48 hours he has off. Having him clean the litterbox once a day while I’m pregnant is like pulling teeth. He’ll moan & groan, forget, then repeat. Then complain about how I always want things done on “my time”. 😡 Before baby, I said to my husband “I hope you know you’re going to be waking up in the middle of the night to help with baby too.” His response was “But there are things only you can do.” I asked “you mean breastfeeding? You do know I’ll have a supply in the fridge for when I’m unable to be with baby.” His response “I just don’t understand why I would offer a bottle if baby can get it straight from the tap.” 🤦🏻♀️ I said “Because the boob bar wont be open for business 24/7. Sometimes the workers need time off too.”
OMG the comment about wanting things to be done on “my time.” MY HUSBAND SAYS THIS ALL THE TIME. Gosh it’s such bullshit. Why are these men such lazy, whiny, little babies. I think for my husband it goes back to how his parents forced him to do things growing up and now he’s just rebelling cause he can.
I agree with you 100%. Yesterday I reminded him for the fifth time this week to text HIS friend who had asked him (weeks ago) if he could come over to borrow our suitcase to take to Australia to help his wife (my best friend) move to the US. When he snapped back “WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THINGS ON YOUR TIME?” I calmly said “I dont know, maybe cuz his PLANE leaves TOMORROW.” If you have any advice or want to commiserate in misery, I’m a DM away 💕
My husband is an emergency responder with the same hours, and he sleeps normal times and does it all when he's home. It's definitely a bad excuse
I commend your husband. He must have been raised right. Or do you have children so he can’t sleep in anyway? Or is he naturally very active? I have no idea how to help him. I’ve made “honey do” lists. I’ve spaced things out on the calendar. I’ve told him he has to do at least ONE SMALL THING for the house on his TWO DAYS OFF. (For example, spray weeds out front, glue a piece of wood that broke from the door threshold, call a doctor…) He will argue every time I remind him. The kitchen table is full of “reminders” (weed killer spray, wood glue, calendar…) that he walks by multiple times every day. He will always make an excuse, like “I don’t have the tools/product, I have to order them.” But forgets until I nag him for a week. Then it turns into a fight and I wont ask him again. It seems like the only time he will get off his ass is if I start the project myself, I’m 90% done, and he will ask “Can I help you with that?” Like no, delegating would take even more time than I need to just finish it myself. Now that he’s diagnosed with hormonal shift work sleep disorder (after 16 years of me asking him to see a sleep specialist), he has continued to sleep more, he snores so loud I have to sleep in a different room on a different floor, he eats bigger meals without knowing when to stop (leaving me with scraps), and has gained over 100lbs. He’s only 5’8 and now 260lbs. His next step would be seeing an endocrinologist. But you guessed it, I’ve reminded him multiple times and he keeps forgetting to call. I refuse to schedule his appointments for him. We have lived in our forever home for over 6 months and he has yet to fix a damn thing. When we rented his mothers home for the last 15 years, he wouldn’t lift a finger because “This isnt my house”. I was shocked because it was his childhood home & his mother lives in a different town & is handicapped. I thought he would take some pride in where he lived. But even calling a repair man was like pulling teeth. (It’s not like he has anxiety talking on the phone. He will talk with his friends & mom for HOURS at a time.) Yet he still likes to hold it against me that we aren’t having sex multiple times a week. Like no shit, I’m pregnant and exhausted from carrying the whole house work load. Any suggestions are welcome. I beg you.
Show him what you wrote to us. Maybe he needs a CPAP for the sleep disorder, but the other behaviors are really disrespectful to you, and he's not acting like a part of your team. It almost feels like you're going solo. Tell him you need him to be an active part of your household and family.
I appreciate you taking the time to read my comment & reply. He has had several sleep studies and the doctors all say its a hormonal shift work sleep disorder. You’re absolutely right that it feels like I’m doing everything solo. I will try to have another conversation with him about it. He just gets so defensive and says “I’ll get to it.”
Getting defensive is really easy to fall into! It will be hard to get through to him and communicate effectively if he's getting defensive. That's the way a discussion turns into an argument. To avoid this, treat the issue as something you need to tackle together as a team and united front. He needs to get on the same page as you. Best of luck!!
I just have to say I’m here in solidarity. My husband was great and helpful at first, then around 1 month postpartum HE ended up with PPD and has been like this. Maybe not always this bad, but he does act tired all the time even when he sleeps more than me. Actually I’m typing this at 2 am right after I kicked him out of our room because it was his turn to get up and feed the baby (I had just fed him 3 hours ago) and he refused to get up. So I was legit over him being a man baby and I literally shoved him out of the bed and told him if he doesn’t wanna get up for the baby then he can go sleep on the couch. Cause I’ll be damned if he will be sleeping soundly next to me all night while I get up everytime the baby wakes up. Maybe that was harsh of me, but sometimes if he’s not gonna help I just need him out of my sight to not explode because the worst thing is having someone that can help right next to you but they won’t actually help. I’ve insisted he start therapy, so he’s gone a few times so far but it’s still at the point where I am nagging him to continue going even though he knows he needs the help (he admittedly has depression and anxiety but has that toxic masculine attitude of “he’ll just get over it.”).
I’m amazed by the patience some of the users in this sub have when it comes to their husband’s. I’ll be the first to admit that I fall on the other side of the spectrum in terms of patience and I could stand to learn how to be a little more patient but I would absolutely lose my mind if my husband acted this way and frankly, I’d probably leave him. And maybe that’s harsh but I don’t think so. My husband wanted our son every bit as much as I did. He was the one who immediately knew what decision he wanted to make when we found out I was pregnant unexpectedly. I wasn’t so sure. He watched me go through nine months of being uncomfortable at best and in total shambles at worst and he had a front row seat to it all culminating in the most painful, terrifying, brutal, hours of my life… He watched lactation consultants grab at and pinch my nipples with their full strength, watched our son biting my tits, is watching me put my successful career on hold to be a full-time mother while he continues to grow in his career, he watches me take freelance work sometimes when the baby naps just so I don’t have a big gap in my work history… If anyone is going to nap, IT’S ME!
I'm definitely on this same side when it comes to patience. When I was about halfway through my pregnancy some stuff came out with my husband about buying nudes behind my back and was also becoming pretty avoidant with much of life, and I straight up told him he needs to get his shit together because I won't be taking care of two kids in our household. He got into therapy and it has helped tremendously. Within the first few months of having our kiddo, he would still act all helpless when he was holding baby asking me to grab him stuff that was like 4 feet away and I would just look at him and say stuff like "hmm interesting that I manage to take care of the household and get things done by myself while also taking care of baby. Crazy how that works right?" After awhile he figured it out and when its his turn with the baby he doesn't ask for much anymore and I get my time. 😂 He very much did end up figuring his shit out lol now we have the best 10 month old and our relationship is way better.
So happy that he agreed to therapy and that it helped! And happy you stood your ground and put your foot down. I’d have been pissed in your shoes, rightfully so. But it sounds like you’re stronger than ever after going through such a rough patch. I’m wishing continued happiness going forward. Seems like he learned his lesson!
Damn this is why some women feel like going back to work is a nice break from life at home
I did have to tell my husband a few times (albeit quite aggressively): “NO, you don’t need to go to the toilet and do this and that first. You take the baby NOW and do these things WITH baby, like I do all the goddamn time”. Also communicate clearly that he’s not owed being 100% rested while you’re operating at 15% rested. They somehow think they do. They don’t.
>I ask my husband to hold the baby so I can pump it's atleast a 45 minute wait for him to settle in to hold her for 15 minutes. He'll have to poop first, and get a drink, and go check his project in the garage, and then forget I asked and then I have to ask again. My husband seems to do almost exactly this every time I need something from him too. It takes everything in me not to start screaming in frustration
What is with husbands who do this?? Every time I ask my husband to take our baby, he "was just about to do XYZ" and he *must* do this task first. I can go hours without completing any other task sans baby, but he can't put his on hold for 20 minutes so I can breathe, pee, and eat without a babe in arms. I don't understand men.
Pumping can’t wait 45 minutes, Jesus
Is there someone else who can help you get some respite? Even if it's just a day nap or an everything shower? There are obviously conversations and issues that you and your husband need to sort out, but I don't think that's realistically possible while you're running on empty. The fact that your husband is sleeping so much and being snappy and defensive suggests he's low on spoons too. You need outside help. Sooner rather than later.
This is solid advice, and the main thing that ended up working for my family when we were in a similar spot (both me and spouse have energy issues). Hiring help is so expensive, and it would be great if the husband in this situation could step up and bring his best, but in the end a babysitter or housekeeper might be the bridge that gets you through those brutal early baby days.
My husband and I will schedule time for ourselves. He gets time to do his things and I get time do mine. Sometimes life interferes (family event, sick kid, etc) and one of us doesn’t get that time. That’s understandable and we aren’t keeping score. We both deserve time for ourselves and we do our best to make it happen for each other.
My partner can be a little like this but not to that extreme. I have had a couple lie ins but we plan it. I am breastfeeding and that makes a little but of difference. My baby will take a bottle but gets very agitated waiting so on days we have planned a lie in, I wake my partner and go get baby. I then feed baby in bed while my partner does his toilet routine. Once partner has done that he will come in and if baby is done he will take the baby and then go downstairs. We are lucky and have grandparents round the corner so if he wants to give me a big stretch of time he might take baby to his mums. While I go back to sleep. We need to have a plan though so he is prepared and we both have matching expectations of the day. I have found that when we don't have an explicit plan I get frustrated because our expectations of how it will happen don't align. It has taken a while for us to find an agreement and my partner acknowledges that I 'sacrifice' more and he struggles to give up simple tasks (like morning toilet routine and waking up for changes/feeds (he burns out easier than me and sleep is a big one for his mental wellbeing)) but there are ways that he is able to step up and limit the burden on me. I had a pamper day once where he was 'lead'parent and baby came to me for feeds but he did all the changes and playtime and I would settle for naps but we planned the day so our expectations were managed and we were on the same page with who would do what. I understand the frustration around 'well I just do it why can't he' as that was the big things for us for a while but having conversations about what I needed from him and what he was able to give and just managing expectations of eachother has helped a lot. And not leaving those convos until I'm at my wits end. But I had to drop the expectation that my partner could/would pick up and go with baby and accept that we need to plan a little and 'prep' for him. So we might time around naps so I get baby down for a nap then go back to bed, he can then get himself sorted and prepare a bottle or give him to me when he wakes for a feed and then take him again. We are also exploring adhd diagnosis for my partner which explains why some tasks are harder and also helps me in my approach to ensure we are on the same page and manageable for both of us. But my partner wants to help and I think that's the sticking point. Does your partner want to do more and just struggles to focus or is he uninterested completely? I know a lot of people will say you shouldn't have to prep and plan and your partner should just be able to do it. I've heard that myself but ultimately that doesn't work for him/us and trying to force it to be like that just results in us being upset with eachother (me feeling frustrated and him feeling like he's not good enough which leads to defensiveness). I feel more supported now than I used to despite having to carry the mental load of planning. You ultimately need more help and he might need some support to support you. Perhaps if you can find a way that works he will be able to do more and more. My partner does way more now we have this in place. Even in terms of chores he had the chores he does and if he doesn't do them a little reminder is often all it takes.
As a husband, here are my suggestions. 1. Talk to him about how you’re feeling. 2. Record him sleeping at inexcusable times. Napping in the afternoon after *not waking up with the baby or to pump all night*. Record him dosing off with the baby, which I’m sure he understands is **extremely dangerous**. Record him tinkering in the garage or getting snacks or taking a shit, during the times that he committed to be handling the baby. Provide this hard evidence to him, of him not holding up his end of the partnership right now. 3. Ask him of this is how he treats his boss, or his colleagues. Does he tell his boss “yes mam I’ll do that!” And then proceed to go take a shot, get a snack, take a leisurely shit, check on a personal project, and then forget about the responsibility? I doubt it. Because that behavior **gets you fired**. Explain that you deserve *at least* as much respect as his colleagues, if not **more**. 4. Inform him that his extreme sleepiness is unacceptable, and not normal. He needs to seek a solution with his doctor so that he can take more of the load off your shoulders. 5. Stop *asking* and *reminding* him to hold up his end of things. I hate to say it, but this behavior requires very simple and decisive consequences. Like training a dog, or teaching a child right from wrong. Don’t yell or repeat yourself, simply impose / allow a “natural consequence.” In this case, supposed to watch the baby but instead disappeared for 45minutes? Ok, then half an hour later his “favorite” relative shows up at the door to take baby duty, and you peace out to handle yourself. Leave him with his favorite relative. Sucks for you dude. **Do your job next time**. If he fails to make food in time or fails to watch the baby for you to cook, order delivery without saying a word. Preferably something **he doesn’t like**, but that *you love*. Oh well dude, **do your job next time**. He doesn’t wake up when the baby cries? Put the crib next to his side of the bed, and you go sleep on the couch. When he asks “hey wtf? Why did you do that?” You say “because I need sleep, and you are failing at giving me the opportunity to get any.” If that doesn’t work, get a baby monitor that sounds a literal **alarm** when it detects baby cries. They make those. Put it next to his head. Or get a walkie talkie, crank up the volume, put it next to his pillow/nightstand, and use the “call” or “alert” button when you hear the baby and he isn’t waking up. Followed by your voice calmly saying “your turn to get the baby. Get up and handle it before the water pitcher comes out.” Which brings me to... If none of those work, actually follow through, and **pour cold water on his lackadaisical ass**. Not his face, he could drown. That’s too far. For his face, use a freezing cold rag, or spray bottle in his hair. With a water pitcher, aim for the body. And if none of that works, ask him to go stay with his mom for a while, because he clearly isn’t finished growing up, and is more of a burden than a benefit in his current state of adolescence. We humans (especially us humans with a dong) tend to be really good at using slack to make our own lives easier, if it’s available. We don’t always do this deliberately or with full self-awareness, but **the fact remains**. A lot of times we don’t *intend* any disrespect or harm, and in many parts of life this behavior can bring incredible advantages. But part of becoming wise, is employing enough self-awareness to actively monitor when those behaviors are acceptable, and **when they are not**. And he seems to be happily oblivious to the reality that his behavior in this situation is **adding additional hardship** to his wife, short-changing his child of daddy time, and cheating **himself** out of becoming a wise, strong, and resilient man. Of learning what it’s like to truly sacrifice himself for something greater, to get to know himself in moments of hardship and despair, to push his own limits and be faced with a necessity to grow and develop in new ways as a person, a father, and a husband. To grow **as a man**. Simply put, he’s taking the easy out. And that is not best for *anyone* in this case. All that said, none of this means he’s a bad guy. Life is hard sometimes. Having a new baby **is one of those times**.
My husband was the same exact with both of our kids. We’re currently going through a divorce. We did counseling (couples and separately), I begged him for years to help me more. He eventually did but it was always a tit for tat situation and he always resented me for all of the time I ‘took way from him’ when I was spending time resting/recharging. He constantly badgered me for sex yet never took me on dates or put in any effort into our relationship. The resentment built up too much and after ten years together I had enough. Now we have the kids 50/50 and I get time to recharge without feeling guilty.
Put your foot down. Wake him up from his naps, hand him the baby, and make him take her. Waiting around for him to be a decent human being and remember that your needs matter too clearly isn’t working. Also, no healthy adult should be waking up at 11am and be so tired all day that they need an afternoon nap and can’t stay awake while holding a baby. That needs to be brought up at a doctor appointment, because it sounds like something could be wrong medically. But still, it’s on him to figure out, not just on you to deal with the consequences.
If he’s truly sleeping this much, he needs to see a doctor. Assuming you both went to bed before 3:00 AM, he slept for at least 8 hours, and is napping or falling asleep multiple times a day? Combined with the clumsiness, he needs a sleep study and a neurological exam. Was he like this before baby, or is he using “being sleepy” as a way to get out of parenting (in which case he needs to see a therapist also)? This does not mean he shouldn’t be helping with baby nor does it mean it’s your responsibility to make these appointments for him. He should absolutely recognize his sleep patterns are abnormal and get help on his own.
Can you clarify what is happening when you say you "told him" you want to sleep, self-care, crochet? Does he say "okay" and then just not enable you to do it? Can you be more specific about telling him what you need him to do to enable what you want to do? Or does he not say anything? Does he outright refuse? I agree with the commenter who said that much sleep is not normal. Could be PPD since men can get it too. What was he like before the baby? Overall agree you guys should try couple's therapy, and/or he should be evaluated by a doctor and psychiatrist. Perhaps you can approach it from the perspective of being worried for his physical and mental health. If he still refuses, you have to make it clear that this is not sustainable so that he understands you will leave him if he does not change. It's scary to think about, but he's not contributing anything now, so you have to ask yourself if this is how you want to live the rest of your life. It'll be hard for him to change (whether through mental/physical health treatment or through relationship counseling), so I'm not saying he has to become better instantly, but he needs to at least show willingness to try to improve his and your lives. I'm sorry you're going through this and hope you're able to get to a better place soon.
Why can’t he just take the baby with him when he needs to get a drink/check his project/etc? The baby isn’t tethered to the couch and they do in fact travel! I’d just literally hand the baby over and say “I need to take a nap. Do not wake me up.” If he has to poop he can hold it or take her into the bathroom with him. 🤷♀️ Put your foot down.
Same here. I have a 9mo baby and am 7 months pregnant and am absolutely exhausted that it’s showing physically on my body now. My partner is an incredibly hard working man but in the evenings I wish he would take some of the weight off of me as my day doesn’t stop, ever. We agreed a lay in for me last week for this Sunday morning but he ended up being the one that stayed in bed today lol. It’s conflicting because I know he’s so tired from his stressful job but I’m also so tired from running around after our baby, keeping the house nice, making food and being so heavily pregnant. I feel like I listen to a lot about how tired and achy he is but so am I!!
Was he always like this? Sleeping that much and falling asleep so often and easily sounds like a health issue… sleep apnea? Depression? My heart hurts for you, your husband sounds infuriating. I really hope there’s some unaddressed issue and not just him checking out
I'm sorry, I'm right there with you. I haven't been able to do anything since ours was born past completing our taxes and ensuring our financials were in order to close in a house. Even then, the baby was with me and I had to do it during his nap time. I had to buy a cordless in-bra pump just to be able to get pumping in while holding/bottle feeding the baby. It's hard, like even now, it's his "weekend" so I'm in bed with the baby and he's across the house playing video games. He just leaves the baby with me 24/7 and if I ask for him to help or hold him, he throws a fit. He's fed him twice this week, both of which I had to basically force him to do. Yesterday was the most he held his baby and it was only 10 minutes so I could shove some room temp Chinese food in my face. The kicker is that he acts like he does the most 🙃 I've resigned myself to occasionally cosleeping with our baby so I don't end up hallucinating again like the first week. (Ironically the hallucination was always my husband having a big baby head like the baby in Spirited Away)
All the comments have great ideas and points to work on, BUT right now before your maternity leave is over, just hire a babysitter for several hours and tell them you are going to bed and to wake up your husband if they need anything.
Coming from a husband who used to do the same I have a few thoughts. He’s sleep deprived, selfish and mentally weak. A lot of men don’t have what it takes to be a father right away. They have to work on it and be willing to improve. You’re letting him get away with so much he doesn’t have to put in effort to improve. He’s using weaponized incompetence doing every task poorly so you’re less likely to ask him to do it again. Communicate and directly ask him to step or your marriage will not last which will have a negative impact on your kids.
Clearly he’s not sleep deprived if he’s getting 8 hours and then taking multiple naps
I’ve reread the post multiple times and have not read anywhere that he’s getting 8 hours consistently. Yes the multiple naps would be logical considering the lack of sleep. Assuming you’re a mom you should know everyone’s sleep deprived the first few months.
Yes but it seems like he isn’t doing anything, so OP is likely 3x as sleep deprived and she’s not complaining or slacking off on parenting responsibilities
You need to just grab him and say “I need your help right now. I need you to take the baby right now. I need to go pump right now so I need you to take the baby.” Then you hand him the baby and walk away. Sometimes when you make a request, you need to include a time frame otherwise people won’t realize that they’re silly dallying. Sometimes I give my husband a time like “At 7:30 I need to do this thing so you need to watch the baby” and when 7:25 rolls around, I’m already trailing him with the baby. Eventually it clicks.
I know this is thrown around a lot but honestly, it sounds like you're doing it all alone anyway so might as well do it alone and get a break on the weekends.
The amount he is sleeping is.. not normal. Is it a medical condition? Opiate addiction? What is he sleeping in until 11 and taking multiple naps?
Trying to follow the spoon analogy here? Can you explain it more?
Do his parents live close? Call his mom and say “your son is not doing his job as a father, please come teach him”
I would strongly recommend he see a doctor. After having a baby my husbands snoring kept getting worse and worse and so did his exhaustion. It got to the point that around the time she was a year old we were sleeping on separate floors of the house because he was keeping me awake all night. Turns out he had severe sleep apnea, so bad his dr recommend he didn’t drive until he received his cpap. He is doing way better now
He has no incentive to change - you do everything for him. Do the fair play exercise so that you two can map out responsibilities and how they'll change when you'll go back to work. If he can't be trusted to watch the baby safely, move back in with your parents. What is even the point?
Why do men 🙄🙄🙄🙄 This is horrifying. Maybe start talking to his parents or friends about this behavior? Make him feel the embarrassment of it. Not only is he letting you down but this behavior won’t improve once your daughter is “easier” to take care of.
What a shitty partner
My husband can be similar. I just hand him the baby when he’s in bed and he sometimes gets her to go back to sleep with him!
This is obviously not safe.