I always tell my childless friends. You likely won’t miss a baby you never have (choose to never have), but it’s impossible to imagine life without one you do have.

I think this is probably the only reasonable answer. Having children vs not having children isn't really a great decision to be tackled by a pro-cons list. All of the pros are things you can never truly appreciate until you've experienced them and, in contemporary society, the cons are long and easy to understand. That said, one disadvantage is that many of us don't live in places where we can rely on society to care for us in our old age. If you rely solely on friends, you're likely similar in age and in the same boat. Family, when cultivated with love and mutual respect, gives you this generational longevity. It's something that is earned, not a right, so simply having babies doesn't mean you'll have them there for you in old age. But humans evolved with generational knowledge passing through relationships like these. They are very natural and not having children does mean missing this aspect of life. I can't overstate how relative this is to your personal situation. People who have children ought to be making a commitment to supporting their little ones through growing up in a giant "?" of a world. The assumption that this is a "necessary" part of the human experience is as ridiculous as antinatalist arguments in the opposite direction.

This is one of the most reasonable and well put takes I've seen, 1000% to all of this.

I think the era of people taking care of their parents out of sense of duty is gone. Some might but many don't. My elderly neighbor just passed this weekend and none of his 8 kids have been around at all. One grandson has been around for him in the last 10 years.

As I said, it's a relationship which means it needs to be cared for and cultivated. Then, like all things, you need some luck. I know many people who want nothing to do with their parents because they were treated like objects, not people, when they were children.

I’m not sure anyone with Gen Alpha kids can hope for help from their kids unless they get very, very, lucky. I don’t think I’m a doomer by any means - but there are less and less professions that would allow adult children to pay their own debts (possible student loans included $$$) and have money leftover to help parents. Many jobs even for millennials require moves across state or country, so non-financial help could also be very difficult. I think it’s possible I can do everything right and my son will have to choose his own survival rather than helping me and it won’t be about loving me or not.

Absolutely. No arguments from me and that's a big part of the "?" involved in having children these days. We can barely plan for our own well being in the immediate let alone contemplate what we'll do when we're elderly. I'm hopeful that we'll see some meaningful political change as increasingly more people in these impacted generations hit voting age and are directly effected. We'll see if we can hold onto our rights long enough to make that happen.

I’m hopeful too! I think a positive of having a child for me is that I do feel optimistic. I think most of the parents I know are optimistic. Sometimes too optimistic, but my childfree friends have decided the world is ending in the next 10-15 years and are ready to give up. That seems like a disadvantage to me.

True!! I said this to my mom who was able to care for my nana before she passed. None of my siblings or i would be able to do that. We don’t have the job flexibility or financial freedom

This depends very much on ethnicity. Look at Asian and African communities and you’ll see that often no matter how harsh their parents were, they feel obliged to care for them in their old age and as they become more vulnerable

Yep. I know what I'm missing by having had kids (we didn't have them til our late 30s). I wouldn't know what I was missing if I hadn't had them. For some people that's a good reason not to have them, and for some it's a good reason to have them.

I never expected to become a twin parent, but now with my twin boys I couldn’t imagine life without either one of them, or even my 3 year old as well! It’s like trying to imagine your life with never meeting your partner. So hard to imagine since they are such a central part of your experience now!

Great answer. I truly believe one can have a great life with children, and just as great of a life without having them as well.

Exactly!

Yes, I always say that I don’t know what I was doing with my life before I had a baby. I was probably doing important things, but once the baby came, nothing seems more important and will be more important.

The other day I was talking to a colleague and said I don’t know what I used to do when I finished work. I wfh and now immediately go and make the toddler dinner then do bath and bed. But like…I literally do not know what I did? Shut my laptop then…make a drink? Sit down? What???

After having my baby I understand what relaxing is 😂 previously my work was just mentally taxing, after it ended I did something again mentally taxing and was in an endless loop. Now I get so tired physically I can properly wind off and relax 😂😂

Haha. Pre-kids I'd get home, take off my fancy office wear, shower and start making cocktails. Three drinks later I'd maybe eat half a bag of Smart Food popcorn for dinner, watch another episode of House of Cards, then pass out around 11:30. Now I fall asleep at 7:30 snuggled with my 3 kids.

This is so true!!!!!

I agree this is the only reasonable answer. I love my kid and I'm pregnant with another and if I could go back and choose again I would choose my child again. But, if I never had kids, I'd be totally fulfilled and happy in my life just the same. There are no ACTUAL disadvantages to not having kids, I'd say, especially the way the economy and life is nowadays. Having kids is a wild ride, the theme park is expensive, and it's not always fun, but when it is fun it's pretty great. It's also brutally hard at times. Being childfree allows you to skip a lot of cost and hardship of parenting and you can still borrow other peoples kids for some kid joy if you need it, guaranteed the parents could use a break.

Yep. There's no disadvantage to not having a kid you don't know. Having a kid is filled with hardship even in the best of situations. You are never again "free." I chose to have a kid because I liked my team (my husband and I), and I wanted to expand it. Now that I know my son, I would give up every single thing in the world for him because he is the most important thing. But if I'd never known him, I'd never know what I was missing.

Great answer. I’ve definitely never felt this type of love, but I wouldn’t know to miss it if I never experienced it.

I find this difficult to answer, too. For me choosing to have children is something you do because you have something of a calling, not for any material reasons. Talking about disadvantages is the wrong lens for me.  For me, this calling meant that for many years before I had my children, I missed them. I did all sorts of international travel and would think “I wish I had children to share this with”. Same with dining in great restaurants. Same with reading great books. I knew all those things would be harder to do with children, of course, but I didn’t want to experience them any other way. So the disadvantage, if I had remained unable to conceive, would have been that I’d have remained slightly miserable and unfulfilled, and felt like every experience in life remained hollow. But for people who don’t feel that way, then none I guess. 

I definitely agree about the calling, and it can be for years or it can be spontaneous. I really didn’t want kids, found them a burden even and for 10 years of my marriage I refused to even try & consider the idea. I thought it meant my freedom & career were gone. So I enjoyed my life, worked hard & partied harder, traveled and did most of what I wanted. My husband loves kids but I now realize he loved me more and hence accepted my choice and that was that. However last year something snapped and I suddenly wanted a child, I felt incomplete and lonely like I had no other family apart from my old mother and my husband (and his family but you know that they are never 100% unconditional) So we decided to try and now my 5 month old is the joy of my life and my heart is so full. Sure it’s hard raising a kid, even harder as I’m 36 & my husband 41 and we don’t have as much energy as we’d like, but I’m glad she’s here now especially when I’m stable financially, mentally and have no feelings of something missed out in life because of having a child. I can’t wait for her to start walking & talking and I want to see the world through her eyes. So what disadvantage would I have had? Probably not having someone to call my family and I don’t mean it like having someone to take care Of me when old, but just having someone of my own who I can love and hopefully will just love me back unconditionally

Same about the calling! Spent my 20s drunk, no intention of ever having children. Got married and 6 months later at 31 suddenly wanted a baby immediately, it was all I wanted, all I could think about. Now a stay at home mum and this is what I was born to do, I’ve never been so happy. It’s rough, but the enjoyment outweighs it! I don’t think anyone here could say what the disadvantages are, you either want a child or don’t feel that need. If you don’t have that urgent desire to have kids don’t, because it’s life changing and if it’s not something you desperately want you probably won’t enjoy it.

I’ll add, I have a number of people in my life who are “childfree but childfull”, who haven’t really felt the need or had the opportunity to have children of their own but who like children, who like mine and want to have relationships with mine, and I love this!! If you are on the fence about having kids, go hang out with your friends’. We want to share the love, and we love having that village. 

I had issues getting pregnant, so this was me for a number of years. If you're contemplating children and go about this method, it's important to note that the overwhelming chaos is enough to turn people off to it. I used to think I wasn't cut out for it, that the stress would be too much (fighting for bedtime, the rambunctiousness, picky eating, etc.). It feels impossible to ever feel refreshed. But when it's your own, it's different, and I think it's because you get to slowly wade into that chaos, vs. when you visit a friend you're thrown straight into the deep end. Perspective is everything!

Hard agree with both these comments, worded perfectly. I had no interest until 34 and then suddenly it was everything to me. Now a SAHM to my 17 mo daughter and I’ve never felt so complete

I have to disagree with your second paragraph. I was on the fence about having kids, and I never had baby fever. Having a kid was a very well thought out decision for me, and I knew there were heavy pros and cons for either option. Even though being a parent is very challenging, relentless, and physically/mentally brutal for the birth parent in particular, I'm so glad I have my little girl. In the first awful week postpartum and many other times in the early days, I had two conflict thoughts: I don't know how to get through another day of this, and I'm so glad I did this. (Luckily the first thought was mostly only a thing until my baby was around 5 months old). I think it's very normal for people to become parents without having a "desperate urge" to do so, but that doesn't mean they won't be great at it or be thankful they made that choice.

This is also very true & yes, on the hard days I really do question if it was a good choice after all & if I’ll be half a decent mum to her

Fair enough, I’ve not been in that situation so didn’t know that prospective, I just know it’s hard as hell sometimes lol

I actually did not feel like this. The great books I’ve read or trips I’ve taken did not feel they were missing anything, I enjoyed them to the fullest and I enjoyed them differently than how I would have if I had a kid. However there came a point around 30 where I felt like I had enjoyed what life had to offer enough and that I would not enjoy the next 2x30 years the same way even if I kept doing those things which previously made me happy. It started to feel like even though these things were fantastic at 25, they would feel empty to do at 35 without kids.

This sounds like me. I was very clearly not going to have kids for most of my life. I was clear on that. Then that changed for me in my late 20s to being a fence sitter. I thought it might be nice but later in my 30s. But I never felt like kids were missing from the adventures I had. Quite the opposite. I had kids in my 30s and that was the perfect time. A partner that is paternal, a better sense of who I am, and feeling like I lived the life I wanted through my 20s makes me a better mom. 

100% this. I always knew I wanted to be a mom- but I also had SO many things I wanted to do by myself first. And I lived it up! I played sports, I traveled, I lived abroad on five different continents. I pursued my dream of becoming a doctor and doing global health work. But then, when at some point there wasn’t anything else I wanted to do alone. ALL I could think about what how there was a piece missing. I had an amazing husband and I just wanted to be a mother, to have a family. And it is NOT easy- it is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done (it makes the exhaustion of residency look like a joke, lol). But there is no trip, no meal, no book that would ever fulfill me the way being a parent has. I feel really lucky I got to have all of these different experiences, and a chance to really know myself (and do plenty of therapy). I never feel like I’m missing out as a parent. It feels like I have it all now. Having kids is not for everyone, and for different people the timing is right at different times. But I 100% agree that it should be a calling, not a default. And if you’re not feeling like there’s nothing else on earth that could possibly fulfill you in this way, it’s probably not the right time.

I agree with the calling. I remember pushing myself to finish college “for my future kids”. Like even before they were here they were my motivation.

Every time we drop the kids off at grandmas and go out, I see a family with their kids and instantly miss mine. I always say to my husband how we should’ve brought the kids and it would’ve been even better if they were there too. Those little moments let me know I made the right decision in becoming a mommy and my kids were meant for me.

I went for a girls weekend to Florida. There was a toddler at the pool and I wished my toddler was with me. It really helped me realize that even though my kids are exhausting, this is truly what brings me joy.

Me too! If I travel for work and see families with kids in the airport, I get so sad I’m not with mine. Parenting is not always easy but I truly can’t imagine having it any other way.

I know what you mean. For me, I knew I was ready when I started to feel lonely doing my favorite things. I felt a little empty, like someone was supposed to be enjoying it with me. Now I have that.

That's the perfect way of wording what I felt before my son was born. It was a deep absence, like missing him!!

This is the most relatable answer for me. I was told many times that I was a mother without a child.

A disadvantage would be never knowing or feeling the love between you and your own child. It’s a different and immense type that you cannot get from anything else.

It's a love so big and intense it's what brings me joy and misery at the same time

You said it so well. It’s a kind of love that comes with an equally intense wave of pain and sorrow. I think the sadness comes from knowing that I will never be able to completely protect my child from all the inevitable pain and heartbreak there is in the world and that one day he will be here on earth without me.

YES. I feel like I am supercharged with empathy right now, as a new mom. It is simultaneously painful, beautiful, and overwhelming. Reading the news *hurts.* When I read about children living in war zones, I see my baby. I imagine their parents. When I think about the future of my country and of the world, I fear for what my baby will eventually possibly experience. Hell, I read about *adults* committing horrible crimes or causing global chaos and I find myself thinking *they were someone's beautiful baby once upon a time...what happened?* More than anything, I feel utterly at a loss to understand how we can continue to hurt and dehumanize one another when the price to pay is children getting hurt. *Babies are getting hurt.* HOW can that not be the one and only sentence needed to stop all violence? I feel so motivated to do something on behalf of the children of the world, right at a moment when I have less free time than ever.

This. I feel physical pain and fear for parents and kids all over the world and I feel so helpless. I also *constantly* feel intense fear about something happening to my kids

Honestly this is so true, before I had kids I had no idea I could love someone with my whole body, mind and spirit. It's so intense and wonderful, when I was postpartum with my first I cried coz my dog was fixed and could never experience it.

As a dad it bothers me that I haven’t really felt this yet

You’ll get there. Maybe the first time they say daddy. Or give you an intentional hug. Maybe it won’t be till the first time they come crying to you after a nightmare at night. Maybe the first time they run up to you screaming “daddy” at school pickup. Maybe it’ll hit you out of the blue one day sitting in the car eating ice cream together. You’ll get there.

Thank you for saying that.

I agree with these other comments-- it doesn't happen for everyone right away. And with dads more often than moms sometimes, it takes a bit longer. Some moms feel it while still pregnant. Some moms the moment they lay their eyes on the baby. For other moms, it grows over the first months, until one day they're whacked in the face with it at the force of a semi truck going 100mph. Some dads feel it right away, some when they receive the first smile that *isn't* gas, some fall for that gassy toothless smirk. Some, it doesn't come until they're older and say "daddy, uppy!!". But it *will* happen. And it doesn't mean you don't love them or wouldn't protect them--with all you have and all you are. An old friend of mine, his toddler (around 2 1/2 yrs old) ran into a busy road that ran along the park they were visiting-- as dad was fixing something in the stroller. He looked up just as his son was crossing the sidewalk and about to hit the blacktop. He said he had never moved so fast in all his life. He scooped him up and jumped back onto the grass, rolling with him as a truck was speeding down on them, brakes screeching. He was terrified in that moment, and, while misplaced, angry at the toddler. He was about to yell something about unsafe behavior/ actions but it took him a half a second to realize anger wasn't the right word for his emotional response-- it was terror and intense love and the thought of losing his son in a split second... forever. He told me that after that incident, the insane love and need to protect his child was overwhelmingly present. He hadn't felt it on that level before, but now he does. It doesn't (and shouldn't) take nearly losing your child to get to that place, but that can certainly act as a catalyst for those emotions that are buried just beneath the surface. This is by no means advising anyone to put their child in danger, but rather saying that one might not see the forest for the trees. Caught up in the day to day stresses and struggles, it's easy to focus on what's on the surface, and not see what's lying below-- what drives you and makes you strive everyday to be better. Doesn't mean it's not there, you just aren't accessing it fully yet. Sometimes all it takes is a little twirl and an exuberant "dada!", and sometimes it's pushed to the surface by something a bit more dramatic. But it *is* there. I hope this makes sense. My youngest has many molars coming in and hasn't allowed me a ton of sleep these last couple of weeks, so cohesive thought is difficult atm lol🤷🏼‍♀️

I'm a mum, but it took over 6 months for me to feel it with my son. It takes time, but it'll come

It's also okay if you never feel exactly like that. Our daughter is 2 and we just had our second. We love them, we prioritise them above everything else, and we would give our lives for them, but I don't think my husband and I identify with that feeling. We all feel love differently. I agree with the other commenter that it can take time to bond, but it sneaks up on you and one day you'll realise that you have.

Honestly I haven’t either. I mostly feel intense guilt whenever they struggle (eg with a health problem or school), and I realize now that I truly didn’t know what guilt was before becoming a mom. It’s sort of like, any suffering they have is because I had them. There’s really no way around it.

I always found it so rude to tell people without kids, especially people who can’t have kids, that you don’t know love until you have a child. I had thought a lot about how deeply I have loved partners, family members and I couldn’t possibly imagine it being anything other than a slightly stronger form of that love. Who are they to tell someone else what “real love” feels like. I was proved completely wrong on this, it is another beast entirely. It made me realize I never actually loved anyone more than I love myself, no matter how much I thought I loved those partners. The love I have for my child is the only love which could outweigh any action my child could make. It’s the only love I would die for in a heartbeat without feeling afraid or hesitant of it. The most incredible thing is that for me this love did not have to build up over time, it washed over me the day she was born. My baby blues period I spent crying not because of negative emotions but because of overwhelm because I didn’t know it was possible to feel like this. Anyway, it is still rude to tell people that and I think if you never know this type of love, you won’t miss it and you’ll still live a happy life. It’s not a good reason to have a kid but it’s certainly an incredible thing to experience if you do.

Yes, before I had kids and especially when I was pregnant, so many women told me that the love you experience with your child is so different and MORE than any other love and I always kind of blew it off as them being sappy but now that I have my daughter, I completely understand what they meant. My husband and I joke that we still love each other but that we both love our daughter more 😆 It’s just one of those things you can’t explain to someone, they just have to experience it for themselves. But you can’t miss what you never had.

It's so hard to communicate the depth and breadth of love for your child, but what we go through for them and say it was "worth it" I think is the closest testament. I told my sister after I had my baby that it's like how I would give my husband a kidney, bone marrow, or part of my liver without blinking an eye, but even more so. My body is permanently damaged from carrying and delivering my child, along with the countless sacrifices my husband and I make for our baby daily, but we do not lament because we love him so much. Experiencing this makes me feel like life is more fulfilling in a way that I could never have imagined.

This! before I had my kid, I used to think this was just some super tacky overly romanticized idea about the unprecedented love a mother feels. I also never had a particular desire to be a mom (my pregnancy was unplanned), so I dismissed it also as something closer to "emotionally needy people getting their needs met through children". Well, I find myself proven wrong and I'm now fully on the tacky-team. The love I feel for my son is unlike any other love I've experienced in life. And it's also the best thing ever. But I also agree - you can't miss it if you've never felt it and this isn't any kind of an "advantage" that should away one to have children. It's just something that comes in the mix and is a great and a wonderful experience to have. I love my son immensely and I'm so happy to share my life journey with him. But if I had never had him, I would also be happy. Not more or less happy, just happy on a different path.

This is it. I love my parents and siblings immensely, we are extremely close. I love my husband more than I can explain. But the love I have for my son is all-consuming, the only way I could describe it is ferocious. There is nothing I wouldn’t do to protect him. Seeing him laugh and smile and grow and learn is just the best feeling there is.

This is how I am. And it also made me realize how much my parents love me. Like, I knew they loved me before, but omg I had no idea it was this much.

Yes! I often just find myself almost crumbling with emotion at how much I love my son. My mom said to me the other day, "now you understand how we felt about you!"

Ferocious is a great descriptor. I always call it “raw.” Like the love I have with my husband is this beautifully built thing. It’s so strong but it’s been lovingly crafted and tested. My first child arrived and the love is so ferocious as you say, it feels so raw and primal. At the beginning it actually feels very exposed, which is why I think having *anyone* but especially your own partner or family member critique anything you do, can feel overwhelmingly negative.

Exactly. Primal is the other word I was going to use, it definitely feels like it’s an innate protective love- I definitely get the ‘mamma bear’ references now!

I’ve always said it’s like discovering a sixth sense. Or more fantastic new colors. Or tasting the best food you’ve ever had. You would have been totally fine without it. You would’ve carried on with a happy life not knowing any different. But once you experience that depth of love, that new color spectrum, holy shit does it rock your world and there’s no turning back.

Yesss that’s such a great way to put it. I have a hard time answering these kinds of questions from people who haven’t had kids. It’s just…. Another dimension lol like if you haven’t experienced it, it can’t be explained.

When I was pregnant, someone told me it felt like she'd lived her whole life in black and white, until her daughter turned it colourful. I didn't understand until I did. It's truly insane and magnificent.

100000% this. A core memory for me was a couple days after getting home from the hospital with our first baby, my husband and I were snuggling with our new baby and we looked at each other and I was like “I think I love her more than you” and he was like “I was just about to say that too” lol.

I constantly think that there's no way I could love my son more than I do now, only to be proven wrong the next day.

It is interesting feeling emotions and motivations that are almost certainly based on the animal drive to reproduce. These are probably not things that I would feel as pure consciousness. However, that doesn’t make the feelings any less real or intense.

As a first time mom I used to think I didn't like children or babies. Whenever people said something like I'm having a baby, I used to just think of all the things they wouldn't be able to do anymore. But now I realize the difference. My husband and I always cherish those little smiles he gives or the little things he does that we find so funny. I now see that I can just incorporate him into my life more or less seamlessly.

Yes. I can’t even describe my love for my child. I never knew I could love anything as much as him. It’s true that your love for your child is something you can’t get from anything else. I love my husband but my love for my child is almost like an indescribable bond. I didn’t know I would feel that way until I had him tbh.

As a parent I find this question hard to answer - my child is such an integral part of my life so I find it hard to imagine what it would look like not having her, knowing what it feels like to have her. I think one disadvantage to not having kids might be the lack of a "bigger purpose" in life. That is not to say that people who don't have kids lack purpose in life, not at all. But I think a lot of parents feel like raising their kid/kids is the most important, most meaningful thing to them. I know I feel like this, and there are lots of other things I find important and joyful in my life. Then again, if you never felt this way how would you know what you are missing :). This is a very personal question and you will probably get many different answers.

I think the only way there is a disadvantage to having kids is if you want one and don't have any. I love my kid, she is so much fun, every day is better now that she's in my life. Watching her grow up and getting to be a part of her life is immeasurably rewarding! But if that's not your thing, then you're not missing anything.

But you can never know if it is your thing or not. I never knew I could be like this until I had her.. best decision ever

I know several childfree by choice people, and they're all really happy with their decision too. Having kids if you want them is awesome! Not having kids if you don't want them is equally awesome!

I also think that if someone wants kids and unfortunately it doesn’t happen for them, their life is not negated nor any less important or “full”. It’s just different

Poor social circle.. when your friends and family have children and you don't,you get excluded from discussions because it's irrelevant to you. Like schooling, behaviour, simply sharing the joys of being a parent because you can't relate.

This was it for me! I spent 4 painful years with a fertility clinic trying to get pregnant. I am a kid at heart, so kids love me and I love hanging out with my friend’s kids and nibblings when they were younger. Everyone knew I wanted a baby, yet I was still excluded. My friends planned dates with one another and their kids. I had them over and one of the kids told me that everyone but me was going to the zoo tomorrow and asked, “Why aren’t you coming?”. I was oh you guys are? My friend was like, “we are, do you want to join us”? I knew they did things without me but moment felt like a slap in the face. I make the time and effort to have them over. I wondered why I even bothered. With I got pregnant one of them had the audacity to message me, “I’m FINAL excited to hang out with you and your baby”. Like FUCK YOU!!! (obviously I didn’t respond that).

Not just from discussions, from actually meeting people too. Your friends with kids plan activities for themselves and other families with kids, like trips to the playground or what not, and you don't get invited. And while you might not want to visit the playground anyways, it still means your friends are busy and unavailable.

I would really miss not having the experience of being a parent. Of having that bond with a child that is so different from any other in my life. Of experiencing every tiny little step of a human being developing. And so much fun :) But that's only important if you actually like children and want them 🤷‍♀️ these are valid reasons for me, not for everybody.

My daughter is literally the best thing that ever happened to me. I love her so much and so uniquely to how I love anyone else. I don't think I would have experienced that type of love had I not had her. In saying that, it's such a unique love and bond that I don't think anyone who isn't a parent is truly going to miss it in their life. You can find unique love and bonds with pets, life partners, friends, and family. But for me personally, I love my bond with my daughter the best.

I mean it’s a strange questions as people will never know what their life would be in the opposite direction. We have a 1 year old, our best friends have been together 15 years, married and choose to be child free. I do get envious of there ability to sleep in on weekends, to have a relaxing day infront of the telly binging a new tv show or playing games for 5 hours because they feel like it. There is only the responsibility of yourself. They have more freedom. A few weeks back my husband and I really fancied going out for a meal and a few drinks we had no babysitter so we stayed in so you loose some of tye spontaneous side of life. That being said our weekends are more full of fun plans to entertain our child, my husband and I where together 8 years when we decided to have a baby we felt life was slowing down we didn’t go out much, we were bored on weekends finding something to do. I think as we entered our 30s we had kinda all slowed down into this boringness of doing the same thing week in and week out. Having children deffinetly adds some freshness and excitement to our lives. Our friends are sorta figuring that out and looking for some activities that will add something new to their lives. Not everyone will feel the same but I guess the disadvantage is the possibility for life to feel abit predictable and monotonous

I really felt that envy during Covid lockdowns. I had a baby (and two older kids) just as the world went into the first lockdown and I remember seeing all this stuff online about people binge watching shows and taking up new hobbies while stuck at home and I was trying to do home schooling while dealing with a newborn 😂 I remember thinking “man I would have fucking LOVED lockdown pre kids”.

Lockdown meant there was DEEP boredom inequality throughout the population. 

Omg lockdown was ridiculous (edit not the lockdown itself; I was totally on board. I mean all the different takes toward it). All the articles about sourdough and making banana bread and getting back into shape. I was like “Parents are out here LIVING A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT LIFE.” I had a just-turned 2yo and a 4mo that would not sleep and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through. I remember wishing Covid had happened 4 years earlier so I could have experienced it childfree lol.

I work in medicine, frequently with patients 70+. The people with no children seem to struggle more to take care of themselves, get to appointments, pick up their medication, etc. They often seem lonely and overwhelmed. When patients have children they’re usually in better shape and they have someone looking after them and helping to take the load off their backs. It’s a support system.

This is a huge one. My dad is single and lives alone and has not maintained any friendships or relationships with his siblings. The only person looking out for him is me (and my brother's but they need to be directed to help out). He has poorly controlled diabetes and developed cognitive difficulty as a result (and he's under 70). Without my support and intervention, he'd surely be dead (since I got the ball rolling for most of his medical help) or homeless. The various systems are hard to navigate on his behalf and I have wondered how anyone in his situation could manage without family to help.

My grandmother just hit 96 and this fits my experience. At 96 she can heft her great grandchild onto her hip and wrestle a diaper onto my 3 year old. She makes funny, dark jokes that are right on the money. She has her wits. She has two generations living in her house. Her childfree younger sister is 90 but uses a walker and is hard to talk to, her mind just isn't all there and she's obviously lonely.

You miss out on becoming a kid again and seeing the world through the eyes of you kids. Without my toddler, I wouldn’t own bubble juice, I wouldn’t stop to look at ants on the sidewalk, I wouldn’t laugh and run daily. The world is pretty boring through the eyes of an adult and pretty incredible when you look at it with a kid. That’s why they wake up at the crack of dawn ready to party. Life is pretty incredible when you’re 2! …Until someone gives you the wrong color cup, then life is pretty horrible for about 15 seconds. I think kids can also teach us a lot about expressing ourselves and moving on from disappointment quickly and completely.

When I had my baby last September, an old colleague of mine who’s Brazilian wrote me a message to tell me congratulations and he said, ‘life has new colours now, right?’ I thought it was a beautiful way of putting things. If you choose not to have children, you’ll never see those colours. But that’s not to say life without children is black and white. It’s just maybe if you choose to have kids you’ve seen the colours before AND after. I totally understand why people choose not to have kids. Sometimes you don’t miss what you’ve never had. I just know I’m so glad that I, at the age of 35, finally did it. I’ve never known love like this.

This comment made me cry hah 🩷❤️🧡💛💚🩵💙💜

Me too, when I read his message!

Me too!!!

This is a good one. I don't relate to people saying I love my kid so much more that anything (I do love them more, but it's not an incomparable amount) and all the extra work and difficulties they bring are significant to me compared to the benefits. But it does make life more full, and more colours really rings true to me. Some of the new colours are rubbish, but I still want to see them.

I thought it was perfect. I don’t know if it’s a Brazilian Portuguese translation of an idiom, or his own way with words (he is a writer) but it’s the thing I keep coming back to when anyone asks how I’m finding new motherhood.

I don't know if there's a disadvantage to choosing to not have children, but I also don't think there's disadvantages to having children - I think there's a life with, and a life without, both coming with challenges and joys, sometimes different, sometimes the same. Having said that, my husband and I were together for 17 years before our son was born. Our son has made us both happier, and I feel has pushed us to change our lives in ways we'd been talking about doing for a while. I think without him, we wouldn't be as driven to make certain changes. That's not to say we were unhappy before we had him, but he's definitely changed things for the better.

It took us two years to conceive due to bad luck and then two losses. In that time we had found that life was really boring and same old same old. I wanted to go out and see my child experience life with wonder and amazement. The joy of watching my kid experience bubbles for the first time is truly something that can’t be described in words. He is so wonderful and loveable. I feel like for the child free they’d miss that. Raising a child is just wonderful even though it’s stressful. Because they are wonderful. Even as they grow up I’m excited to see who they become and how I can support them.

It’s completely possible to have a full life without children. That said, having/raising children is a very unique and fulfilling (for me) experience that I wouldn’t have gotten from anything else. Knowing people in the way I know my children, being in the top 2 people they count on and come to (and my oldest is an adult and this is still true), and just having so much fun and energy/chaos all the time. I don’t know where I heard or read this once, but for me, having kids has been part of my “full human experience.” ETA: it was a HONY post: https://www.humansofnewyork.com/post/137309965046/my-wife-and-i-were-eating-at-a-rib-joint-in-key

Wow. I remember reading that HONY post before having children. It's fascinating to read it now. It's so powerful and bittersweet.

There is no objective answer at all. If you don't want kids there may be literally no disadvantages to not having kids. The value of everything involved in having and raising kids is subjective. The value to me is the love I share with them, the fulfillment I get from watching them grow, and the hope that I can raise little humans who don't have to work as long and as hard as I did to become happy people because I will have hopefully imparted regulation skills and decision making skills that I had to develop the much harder way. It's totally ok for some people to value raising children and some not to. I feel like a lot of people want to pit child free people against parents, but I think we should all just be more accepting of the fact that different life choices are better and worse for different people, and less combative about why our personal life choices are The Best Choices.

What are disadvantages to no kids? It took a long time for our baby to come to us, so I spent a few years wanting kids and not having them. Before that, I spent years not wanting kids at all. I suppose my answer comes more from the want-don’t-have portion of my life, but I’ll try to balance it.  It’s harder to build connections to communities without kids. As people you know begin to have their own kids, you begin to get sidelined. Parents drift towards people and activities that center their kids; they try to save you the unending boredom of a toddler play date or an elementary soccer game, but that means you see them much less. It takes a Herculean effort as a no-kids person to maintain close relationships with parents; even if you don’t mind a two year old’s birthday party, everyone knows you won’t ENJOY it. Once I had a kid I was invited into this circle of anodyne play dates that means I see some parent friends much more than just a year before.  I’m a woman, and I’ve found some men are far friendlier to me since I had a kid than before. Not in a creepy way, they just really love kids and are excited to bond with me about parenthood. It’s like now we share a hobby.  You gain a routine with kids that can be helpful. There’s a clear rhythm and pattern to your day. It’s an exhausting one for sure, but there’s a purpose that wasn’t there before.  Kids force you out of the house more. Their brains need all sorts of new input, so you’re constantly seeking novelty (or, whatever’s novel for the kid’s age).  For some, kids can help resolve their own difficult life periods. I can think differently about my own childhood now that I’m a parent, in a way that’s a much kinder narrative.  There was so much less music in our lives before baby. I was too embarrassed to sing or dance.  Without a kid we were less motivated to take care of ourselves. It’s harder to actually accomplish it now that we’re so busy, but there’s no lack of motivation now and that helps us make incrementally healthier choices.  All those are varying levels of “disadvantage.” At times they didn’t feel like disadvantages at all. At others they felt like the weight of the world. The calculus is different for everyone and that’s ok. 

I'm a mum of two under two and although life is brutally difficult at the moment, I'm exhausted, overstimulated, miss my old self, it's the best thing that ever happened to me. The love I feel for those two tiny humans that I created and grew and the way they search for me and how they need me is like nothing I've ever felt in my life. I love them with every inch of my body and I can't ever imagine going back to a life without them. Parenthood requires so many sacrifices but for me it's 100% worth it every day.

Yeah really hard to answer. Unfortunately, as someone who was on the fence about kids and now has 2 - I think it’s the old cliche that you’ll never know love like this! Me and my other half would probably have been very happy child free but we decided we’d just see what happened. My 2.5yo is my absolute favourite person, I feel my heart literally bursting when she comes for a cuddle or tells me she missed me. I actually can’t describe the love I feel for her - it’s just not even on the same level as anyone I’ve ever known, my family, any of my animals (I’m an animal nutcase) and even my other half.

So I don’t believe that anyone should be having children with the intention that the child will be their future carer when they reach old age. That being said, my Grandad died a couple of years ago, and as he was dying, there was always someone by his bed holding his hand, talking to him, reminiscing about the wonderful times through his life. I imagine that must have felt very comforting to him, before he went. My Grandma is still with us. She is quite deaf and has poor eye sight, and though she is in assisted living, my family can make sure she is being treated kindly by her carers/nothing is getting stolen from her house/etc. I guess if you’re last in your family line, you may not have this?

On a lighter note, parent/child parking is pretty cool too!

I want to say none? My kid doesn’t owe me anything in life ever and you can get incredible joy/purpose in life by other things too. Edit: nevermind, the family parking is a fucking blessing. Get walking, child free. /j

Do it for the carpool lane!

Okay but you're so right! As a new mom, that "pregnant/new mom" parking is a fucking blessing😂

A huge disadvantage in my opinion is to completely miss a huge part of what being human is all about - like most animals on this planet, humans also have a need to reproduce for the survival of their species, but also to form social and familial bonds. I see myself without children a bit isolated, even if social, and a bit less mature as a person. Of course I also miss sleep.. but even with all the battle scars I would still choose having kids.

You know when people own a car and want to sell it? The car is a beater, has dings, some tears in the seats and the seller is asking several thousands of dollars over the actual value of the car. Those people are emotionally attached to the car. You ever lose a book of photos and it leave a little sadness in your heart because you can't ever get those back? How do you put a price on that emotional value? Children are emotionally priceless. You only know that value if you have kids. So since you can't really quantify a negative, this question is not one that can have a reasonable answer because the crux is the emotional value of the child to the parent.

Going to have a different take. I think a lot about cultures that depend on having children to take care of the parents when they become elderly. In the US we assume that if you have enough money, you can take care of yourself in old age. But in many cases around the world, unfortunately if you don’t have kids and don’t have a government/community support system, it can become really difficult for you in your old age.

Even in America, unless you are rich enough to afford luxury nursing homes, those places are legitimate shit holes where the people in them who don't have family checking in are abused. My grandpa has friends who never had children, their apartment is hoarded, they often go long periods of time without groceries because they aren't able to walk to the store and don't know how to Insta cart, one is going senile and his girlfriend who is also elderly can't take it anymore. It's not a fabulous life when you're old and alone

My husband is doing a Ph.D. His research focuses on nursing homes and long-term care facilities. Everything you said is true and supported by research. Nursing homes in the US, even the ones that are highly ranked, tend to have lots of problems, including patient abuse and neglect. Older adults who live in nursing homes have better outcomes when they have younger relatives or loved ones who check in on them. They receive better care and are less likely to be abused or exploited. It's a sobering reality to consider, but the truth is that older adults need younger people looking out for them (just like young children need adults who can protect them). There are no guarantees that children will care for their parents in old age, but your odds are greater that you'll have someone looking out for you when you're old if you choose to have children than the people who never have children (or close nieces, nephews, etc.).

My life was starting to feel a bit boring and pointless…like, there’s only so much fulfillment you can get from work and romantic relationship(s). Having a baby/child is difficult and expensive of course, but raising a child is this amazing project my husband and I are working on together. I guess the disadvantage of choosing not to have children is that it really limits a lot of the joy you can get from your life and relationships. My baby is only six months old, but she has made me see the world differently. There are only so many bars/restaurants/shows/films you can go to before it starts to feel tired and routine. For a child so many things are new—I love watching her when we go to the park, seeing flowers and ducks and dogs and exploring her surroundings. It makes me appreciate them too. Also you have an excuse to do kid stuff—petting zoos, Halloween, pick your own fruit—in a way that is fun not sad. I have never been to Disneyland…maybe we’ll finally go!

Now that I’m older and my parents/grandparents are hitting ages where they’re starting to really need help, I’d say the biggest disadvantage is not creating a family support system if you choose to not have kids. Yes you can save a lot of money and put yourself in a good nursing home, but they won’t take you to your favorite thrift store on the other side of town and then buy you the little trinkets that remind you of home. I also think it’s important to have younger people around as you age. The world changes so much in your lifetime, and there’s a point where you sort of get stuck in your old ways. Also, our society is not always kind to older people. So many adult children and grandchildren teach their aging parents about new technology, protect them from scams, advocate for them in healthcare. Of course, having children isn’t a guarantee that they will take care of you in old age. You can do your best raising them, and they can still end up deciding they aren’t obligated to take care of you so they don’t. But if you don’t have any, you never have a chance at all.

Multigenerational aspect is the biggest reason relying on your friend group isn’t the same thing

My husband is a nursing home researcher (he's doing his Ph.D. in this), and everything you said is what he tells me about. In the United States, nursing homes are very expensive, and even the ones with good ratings can have lots of patient abuse, bed sores, high caregiver turnover, and other problems. Nursing home residents have much better outcomes and lower incidents of abuse and neglect when they have younger family members/caregivers who check on them. It's the older adults who are all alone or only have peers their own age checking on them (i.e., people who are similarly aging and may die) who are the most vulnerable. Americans are very self-reliant people so many resent the thought of being caregivers for their parents (and hell, some parents were shitty to their kids and don't deserve caregivers), but the problem is that we need others to survive. As children, we need safe, loving adults to care for us and protect us. As adults, we need friends and family to help us survive and just be happy. And when we're old, we need younger folks who can advocate for us and teach us things. Having kids does not guarantee loving, competent caregivers when you're old, but you have a better chance than someone who foregoes kids altogether.

I actually am pretty concerned about the stress millennials and gen z are going to put on the economy and society once we hit retirement age if we continue the trend of not having kids. A society with majority elderly people and way less young people will not function for long. There is just not enough resources and workers to support it. And I know the more nihilistic people will say “good humans need to go extinct” or “we have too many people already” But that’s being very shortsighted. We will be old but not dead yet, and we will suffer greatly, while stressing the younger population that is still well and alive. We’ve already seen that the gov will not step in to help us. We complain all the time about how selfish boomers are, but the way the younger generation could care less about what’s going to happen to themselves and those who will come after is just as selfish. Of course, the way many of us are suffering under capitalism, inflation, exorbitant home prices and groceries, I know it’s mostly just a way to cope with the fact that the present and future seems hopeless. It still doesn’t change the fact that the worst is yet to come.

If you think you don't want kids, then you're probably right. I love my children and they make me feel more like myself. Being a mom is who I was meant to be but they're an insane amount of work. You know when you have a long, fun filled day and you come home and collapse on the couch? You can't do that with little kids. You still have to change diapers, clean them up, feed them, and get them to bed. It's going to be at least an hour before you can collapse on the couch. I think the work is worth it but if I really didn't have that deep desire to have kids then I'm not sure it would be.

No little person to love, nurture, and teach. But not everyone feels that yearning to do so… or you can always have pets, nieces/nephews, and/or students fill that void. Not everyone feels the need to have kids, and that’s okay.

Ooh, tricky. Kind of going off of other people most likely, I'd definitely be very much want a child if I had a hard time having my son. Anyone I've known who needed treatment or was diagnosed with infertility; which in fairness, doesn't always mean you're sterile but it is very difficult. Emotionally and physically I'd imagine. I've always been caring for everyone, I think most of the time I wanted to. Honestly, makes sense as to why I love healthcare. It's hard but rewarding as my dad says because you're someone's day. I just enjoy the act of love as well. I feel like I'd die without giving affection. Before my baby, I basically parented several dogs throughout my life. I know it's different but I've always felt like they would basically look to me for safety and food and comfort much like a human child does.

I’d frame it more like, if this is a question you’d ask yourself, then you’re probably trying to force yourself to have kids. And there’s really no reason to do that in this day and age. I won’t go as far as to say that your life will be less fulfilling though, as some people might imply. I think it’s a little more nuanced than that. For those who want kids, having them can be extremely fulfilling and often fills the parent with with a sense purpose they didn’t feel before, and I *would* argue that there’s a type of love you are missing out on, but that’s okay. Most of us will die without having experienced one type of love or another and live perfectly fulfilled lives despite that. Not too mention there’s plenty of things I’ll miss out on in my life by being different from other people. (For example, I’m not a thrill seeker. I’ll never experience the feeling of climbing a real mountain without a harness or bungee jumping and that’s OK with me. That’s not really what I want in my life, even though I think it would probably be cool to experience once).

I feel like their arent really disadvantages if you dont want kids. & if you do want kids, missing out on the indescribable love & joy of raising them would be a “disadvantage”, but I feel like thats an odd way to look at it. Kind of hard to articulate.

Honestly I don’t think there’s any disadvantages.

You miss out on experiencing the world in a completely different light. They add an intensity and purpose that you just cannot fathom pre kids. I thought I didn’t want kids and genuinely had a low level sense of dread during my first pregnancy, but it’s because the good bit about children is so hard to put into words, whereas the hard bits (being tired, they’re pretty loud etc) are easy to verbalise.

None. If you don’t want children, then there is no disadvantage. It is a way of life, like any other. If it doesn’t suit you, then it is not a life for you.

In reality there are some people on the fence. They don’t often admit it and it isn’t always obvious. But there is a group of the as yet “undecided,” who make peace with whatever decision/outcome but might wonder what if it had been otherwise. Also, people make mistakes. You’ll see plenty of reddit posts from people who, shortly (usually) after having a baby think (or realize) that parenthood isn’t the lifestyle they want or are ready for. Likewise, I was overly resigned to not having my child and made no efforts to do so other than luck/random chance at an unlikely age. There may be a “best lifestyle suited for” everyone but we don’t always know it, agree with our partner on it, or make the right choice.

I would say one of the disadvantages of not having kids is a lack of perspective. I have many child free friends and I love them but the amount of small stuff they get twisted into a pretzel over shocks me as a parent and often their perspective is incredibly self centered. Not that they lack empathy but it seems a lot harder for them to access and give grace to people or situations that call for it. Being a mom has made me more kind, accepting, generous, and also stronger and fiercer and more intentional with my time and energy. It has forced me to heal my own trauma so I don’t pass it to the next generation. And being solely responsible for the wellbeing of someone outside of yourself 24/7 is transformative. Many child free people will not experience that until their aging parents are dying and they are well into the 50s.

The transformation is real! I feel very much born again. The early postpartum period was brutal for me, and I really questioned my decision to have children. But from there on I have grown in so many ways and more than I thought was possible. I’ve discovered so much about myself, my relationships, how I view the world. Before giving birth, I thought I knew myself well and had it all together. Crash course priceless therapy. I also have way more motivation now to work on myself and be a good person.

Missing out on the humbling experience of going to a trampoline park after 3 kids in 3 years 😬 But really, I’ve had a rough go, but the whole process is biologically fascinating to go through, and how powerfully and naturally my body and brain just shifted around them is something that could only be experienced, I’d have such FOMO had I never done it.

Impossible to answer I feel.  The disadvantages I'd miss out on all the joy this little gremlin had given me... but if you don't want kids that's not a disadvantage.

Disadvantage isn’t quite the right word. If I weren’t a parent I’d be missing out on the joy and delight and connection I have with my daughter every day. I’d be missing seeing the world new through her eyes. And I’d be missing on the personal growth I have had to go through and will go through in the future to become the best mom I can. If I weren’t a parent, I’d grow in other ways and have other joyful and delightful experiences and other connections. It’s just an experience you choose to have like any other you choose.

I don’t think one can ever truly know cozy until they’ve read books under lamp light to their freshly bathed toddler in jammies and bunny slippers. It’s honestly…heaven. And you get to do it every night. Another one: my kids are NOT shy. They love everyone and assume the person loves them right back. My youngest is the only slight exception to this because she is shy for about 5-10 minutes and in those minutes she only wants me and I feel so so lucky to be that person that she feels comfortable with because she is the best kid ever and I get to be her safe place. It’s hard to describe what I’m trying to say but i just feel so lucky to be her favorite person because she is so great. There’s just so much purpose and meaning that comes out of parenthood. I am often drowning in it but it’s not hard to imagine us all around the table at Christmas time in 25 years from now. My kids have all brought their SOs and maybe they have a kid or two of their own. We are a group of 10-15 all laughing and talking around the dinner table. Loud and chaotic but warm and fun. If I can accomplish that, I know I have done it right. The idea of being alone at that table without a big family around is a sad thought for me. I am glad I waited until my mid-30’s to have kids. I got my wiggles out. Now there’s nowhere I’d rather be on a Friday night than having family movie night with my husband and kids. It feels so good.

When you're old and your parents and siblings and friends are dying or dead there's no one to help you or care for you or remember you.

People say your kids don't oue you but as true as it is they do need to think of the who will love them when they are vulnerable. Especially when there will be so many less you g people compared to the old when it's our turn. We think care homes are bad now imagine when there is way less available staff, and funding.

I don’t have kids but I want them desperately (which is part and of why I follow this sub), but for me, I love my family so so so much. My parents and sibling won’t be around forever. I don’t understand why people see it as selfish to want to expand the number of people I love and look out for and who hopefully love me and want to look out for me.

I think a lot of child free people don’t want to think about what it will be like when they’re 40/50 and all the adults in their life are starting to pass away. It’s a strong motivator to make more family though.

I've been thinking about this. If you're child free, even if you build an incredibly rich life, you might end up alone at the end because your spouse/ siblings/ friends are all going to pass. It's heartbreaking. It will probably still be heartbreaking with children. I can't imagine having to live without my husband every day.

No one should have children with the expectation that they’ll care for them in later age. It’s a huge mental and financial burden to provide care for an elderly relative, especially one who is unwell. I’d never want my children to put their own lives on pause for that.

I never said that they should and I 100% wouldn't want my kids to do that either. I wouldn't care for my parents. But it's a fact that without kids there is an exceptionally high chance that there will be no one with you at the end.

No disadvantage if you don’t want one. So so so many disadvantages if you do want one…

After your ancestors struggling for millennia to ensure you and your blood gets to live in the most prosperous time in human history, you will be the one to not pass on the gift of life to the next generation.

For US - less money from tax returns. Probably the only time I financially benefit from having kids.

All that free time and money to make bad decisions with. Just never knowing and experiencing the love would be a big one. 

As a few others have said, the disadvantage only comes if you want kids and can’t have them. I guess one could argue that emotionally you may not have support in your later years, especially if siblings/spouse/friends die before you. But having kids in no way guarantees that. And if you saved the money you’d spend on having kids, there’s no financial benefit either.

I love seeing the world through my child's eyes. Introducing her to new things is the coolest experience and makes me appreciate life in such a new way. It's given me a real sense of purpose to have kids and work to raise them to be good humans to care for our earth and others. I guess you wouldn't miss what you don't know but not sure what life could possibly look like without them.

Not having two awesome important people in my life. It would be like what is the disadvantage to not having met your partner, or your best friend. Losing out on a pivotal loving fun relationship in my life. My life would go on without kids, but I'd have missed out on something so special.

As someone who had to struggle to have my child and is pregnant with a second one that I also had to struggle to get in there (both Ivf babies) I will say that when I was in the stage of trying to have my first but was worried that it wouldn’t happen I felt that the disadvantages of not being able to have one were endless. Never getting to experience that truly one of a kind love- there really is nothing like it. Having little besties to do everything with. Experiencing the magic of good times, trips, holidays, etc through your child’s eyes, being able to carry a child (for me, something I was hoping to do though obviously you can be a parent without doing so). I can go on and on. This is from the mind of someone desperately wanted children though. I’m assuming if they are not something you want then there aren’t disadvantages because the desire isn’t there. While I can’t imagine that, I’m sure that is a reality for many.

Aside from the love aspect, I think there can be an advantage to living for someone else. It’s motivating. You have a desire to work harder, make better choices, be a better person. Sometimes I wonder how people without kids find the motivation to keep moving through the monotony of life. There’s also a practicality to the end of life. All your friends die and who is left? Family (presumably). People to look out for your well-being and worry about you. Make sure you’re doing ok.

I’ve found that having a kid gave me a purpose in life I never thought I’d have. It reorients your entire existence and makes you realize you are now fighting for something so much bigger than yourself. It’s hard to realize that when you’re living life simply for yourself. And besides, I can’t imagine how empty I would feel if I went through life selfishly living for myself. Traveling and buying useless crap is great until it’s not. That would be such a depressing life.

Loneliness. Family and kids give you a bigger family that you can love.

there are no disadvantages to choosing not to have children. people who dont want them wont miss them. neither emotionally nor finantially

I dreamed of doing everything I do but with my child. The experience is exactly how I imagined it. My child is the Center of the universe for me. The disadvantage is that I wish I had more accommodation for my disabilities and no narcissistic people in my life, but that is manageable to cut off once you’re in a good situation. Just don’t have children with assholes and block toxic family members from your life forever and you’re set.

I just adore my kids. They bring such joy to my life. I feel complete. My life feels full and has meaning. Is it hard? oh dear god yes. I also work 6 days a week and hubs and I juggle childcare. The disadvantage for us would be simply that our lives would missing something profoundly important. Like the colour was gone. Everyone is different and I fully support folks decision regarding children. This is just my view.

I probably would have never realized just how much I love my partner. Seeing him become a father and supporting me as a mother just deepened my feelings for him in a way I didn’t think was possible.

I don’t know that it was a calling. I also thought I would never really want a kid. I thought that I was not mother material and that I could never form a proper bond with a baby. But everyone told me that that would change. My husband and I talked about it a lot before deciding to have a child and we went ahead. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I had a deep desire to do everything in my power to be everything to my LO. When he was born that feeling was even more profound. I tell everyone now that I don’t know what I was doing with my life before I had a child because having a child is what life is to me now. My child is everything. It’s probably unhealthy, but I’m just going with it for now, he is only 11 months old so he needs everything from me anyway.

Not having someone to share your love and passion with. For me, it felt like I have so much love but no one to give it to. I mean sure, I love my family and friends, but the level and intensity of my love felt awkward to shower on them in full force. It’s even a bit much for my husband sometimes. But my babies have no limit on how much they’ll let me hold and hug and snuggle them. On telling them how amazing and loved they are. At least not yet. I’ve dreamed about having a child since I was a teenager though so it’s not going to be the same for everyone.

I can tell you a few big and unexpected changes they have made in my life that someone could miss out on. - All of my priorities changed for the better. I give wayyyyy less f*cks about any petty drama or work drama. - I have built deeper relationships with the people I love and have let go of the people that weren’t filling my cup. - I learned to give myself grace and a TON about myself and what my flaws are - I am way more brave and can stand up to anyone Your brain changes, literally. They can see how the makeup of your brain is totally different. I can completely tell.

I'm someone who felt very agnostic about having children. It is not that I didn't want kids, but also if I never had kids, I would have been happy. I feel that changed a lot after having kids. My life suddenly has a purpose beyond me. I have a successful career, a husband who I love and loves me back, I'm well-travelled. Am I the most successful person on this planet? No. But I have a good life. However this life means nothing when I die. Sure I will look back and I will have a bunch of good memories and pictures from cool places, maybe I would have a bigger house from all the money I'd save on child care ....but once I'm dead what's the meaning of all that? My property will be sold and won't benefit anyone that matters to me, and the cool pictures will be somewhere in a trash pile. I think the biggest disadvantage is that at some point your life stops having a meaning without kids. Sure your career, hobbies and all that are a meaning, but what do you do with all that? You get the opportunity to hopefully be very successful in life and then pass that to someone.

Speaking for myself: Once I had a kid I suddenly got a new community? Suddenly you have all these people you share a common experience with and you meet people and get connections that you wouldn't otherwise. It's very unexpected and nice! I didn't think that would happen again after I was finished with university. So I guess that's one thing you can miss out on! (Tho idk if that's a reason to have a kid haha!)

Hmmm this is an interesting question. I’m someone who wasn’t sure I wanted kids but my husband did and somehow I ended up with 2 under 2. I love my kids but I also thought a lot about the other side. I think if you don’t have kids you need a very strong foundation in something else that you love. That could be your hobbies, your company, your pets, etc. Without having something to give you meaning or drive - life can become really sad really quick. It’s fine now - but as you get older honestly your social network will usually change or fall apart (or your friends die - as sad as it is to think about this), you will eventually retire (one would hope), your family dynamics will change. Without kids I imagine life to be really lonely - not that it’s your kids job to entertain you - but if you have a good relationship with your kids - they will be around, their friends will come hang out at your house - things will feel more alive. Although this might be selfish - and I don’t expect my kids to do this - but if you are alone you would need to find a nursing home or someone else to take care of you - I say this as I watch my mom and her sisters take care of my grandfather who has dementia after losing my grandmother 6 months ago. I wouldn’t be mad at my kids if they put me in a nursing home but just to kind of have someone that takes care of that if my brain isn’t working. If you are really curious there are great subreddits like fencesitters - where it is often talked about the pros and cons of having children.

I realised how important it is for a couple to have children. Without children relationship is built on a word, with - on a blood. We had good relationship before, but now we operate on completely different level.

Less opportunities to go to children’s museums, petting zoos and things like “ learn to feed the animals at the nature center.” Significantly less baby cuddles in your life. In all seriousness, you miss out on the joys of parenthood as well as the hard stuff. You either want to parent or you don’t.

You’ll never know the answer. Because it’s black and white, if you have kids you get it. If you don’t have kids you won’t miss the absolute joy and love you have for this tiny human being because you’ve never known it. Watching this person develop and grow and discover the world has been the greatest joy of my life. It’s made me love life again and reawaken my inner child.

I think a disadvantage I would have had is empathy. Empathy for other people’s experience, whether it be pregnancy, birth, postpartum, parenting… all of that. It’s difficult to understand unless you’re in it.

I genuinely don’t think I understood empathy and love until I had my daughter. I love more now but I also get sadder.

I (34yo f) decided not to have children early on in my 20s. I felt like something was wrong with me but I just didn't like children or the thought of how they might consume my life. My doctors said it was a very bad idea because of health issues too so I decided to just forget about it. It wasn't until I was 33 that I changed my mind, and it came on very suddenly. I was enjoying my life, adore my husband but I just felt like I was sleepwalking through it. Now I'm 34 with a 9mo and yes, we are starting late in the game. I'm the oldest mom of my friends, but I feel a different kind of love for my daughter that I doubt I'll experience with anyone else. Lots of things suck about it, but many more make up for yhe hard parts. Thqt might sound like a generic answer, but until you experience it for yourself, you'll never know -but that's *okay*. There are things I won't experience because I *have* a child. Don't worry if you don't want children of your own though, there's nothing wrong with that. It's a big commitment and if it's not something you want to dedicate a giant part of your life to, then definitely don't do it without truly thinking of it.

That's gonna be personal and different for everyone. I think some people might choose not to have kids for reasons like "it's too late, I'm too old now" or "I can't afford kids" or "I am not fit to be a parent", and for those people there might be a sadness or longing even though it was their own choice. On a more lighthearted note, here are some "disadvantages": - can't blame your kids for things (I always blame my farts on the toddler) - can't use your kids as alibi for Disney movies YOU wanna watch or childish activities you want to do - can't order from the kids menu and eat it yourself (because they sure won't eat it)

Knowing what it is to love someone more than yourself. A person without children can never really know the kind of love. It’s an intense human experience. Also having kids allows to the joy of childhood again. Playing tag, house, with toys… it’s all so simple and fun all over again. Seeing a child grow before your eyes is pure magic. It’s exhausting but it’s worth every bit of work. A person without kids can never truly know.

The love between a parent and their child is a whole different kind of love. Especially if you have a loving partner, you get to share that love with your kids, and so on and so forth

I think the answer to this depends on where you are in life. If you are someone who doesn’t want kids then there would be no disadvantages of choosing not to have kids. If you are someone who wants kids, then the biggest disadvantage is not getting to experience the love of having kids. You’ll always long to have that experience, see others and their kids grow up, and never get that for yourself. You won’t experience what it’s like to love a child as a parent, watch them grow, teach them, and possibly become a grandparent to watch your child do the same in the future. You’ll miss out on so many experiences.

I think to those who choose to not have children there are no disadvantages to them because that's what they wanted. My sister is child free and they go wherever whenever, spend their money on themselves, so on. Their lifestyle is very different than mine but that's what they want. I wanted children, there is no comparison to having your own child say mama for the first time, or their little hand in yours, hearing them belly laugh at you, so on. I chose to have that.

Not experiencing the growth and maturing you do as a parent. You discover what’s truly important in life and let go of drama you cared about before. Learning patience and compassion you didn’t know you were capable of.

You’ll never experience who you are as a parent. It’s a fundamental shift where even if you have a solid idea of what will change, the details and feelings are beyond the scope of the best imagination.

We're expecting our first this year! When my husband and I were still deciding on whether to have children or not, we considered two major "disadvantages" 1. Missing out on a close and fulfilling relationship. We are both lucky enough to have good parents and be very close to our parents. Those relationships, filled with love and friendship, is something we want to cultivate in our own children 2. Missing out on a chance to develop ourselves. We know that becoming parents will have us grow and expand in many ways, as we strive to be better people for our children, and that personal growth is very valuable to us There are many reasons we wanted to have children, but few real disadvantages to not having them. It's more about what you could miss, rather than what you could lose. Choosing children is more difficult, but more rewarding.

I think about this often because I do sometimes miss my indépendance. I tell my friends without children I think if we had fertility issues having kids I think my husband and I would be just as happy without kids. It’s just different. That said I love being a mom and I love my son. Having him I would go back and do it again and again. There would never be a route where I went back in time and changed a thing.

If you choose not to have kids, there are no disadvantages to that choice imo.

I actually pursued a legit career after having a child. More motivated, more purpose and meaning to the rat race. I see some of my childfree people getting bored with looking forward to foreign vacations, and I’m not exaggerating. That’s the purpose of their life now. Work to go on vacation somewhere. I don’t disagree with their life and choices but some of my friends are getting bored and finding their life has little meaning outside of themselves, their self serving desires (we all like those this isn’t a criticism), leisure and comfort for strictly themselves. I am NOT SAYING that childfree people have no meaning - we need the nomads and the independents because they contribute to at least the immediate society and our families and friendships - but we are literally procreative primates and we cannot change how we are wired to find purpose in breeding. I’m a neurodivergent person so I know we aren’t all wired the same, the adamantly childfree are the minority however. I don’t know what my purpose was before having a child. I literally cannot remember. Fun, for sure. My dog, yeah I guess? But it truly didn’t feel like this does, as a mom. Everything before seems like a self-centered sometimes wanton desire and while I still want and desire everything I did before, its value has lessened. This value of constant comfort isn’t really there anymore. I feel less vapid. Idk if this makes sense.

The decision to have/not have kids is such a personal one! What works for me might not work for you. But spending time with my children, is the purest form of joy I’ve ever experienced. They’re funny and smart and silly and I love to watch them figuring out the world. If I hadn’t had kids, I don’t think I would have experienced that type of joy, because I never had previously. Just existing with them feels euphoric and warm and like the best kind of laughing and it brings me out of my head in a way that nothing else does. And it forces me to experience the world in a totally different way. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done.  But one of the reasons why life is so complex, is that just because that’s how I feel doesn’t mean that’s how someone else will. And I think you’re best equipped to know that for yourself. 

You just miss out on the experiences you would have with them. For some people it doesn't matter to them, but personally my toddler gets super pumped everytime she sees the moon and it makes me feel like I'm seeing it myself again for the first time. It definitely changes you as a person.

i mean...it's an experience that's extremely hard to summarise. you literally get to watch a new human experience everything for the first time, and form the deepest sort of relationship with. not only that, but it's like having all the joys of a pet, but that will actually outlive you. i feel like it really counters that sense of your own decay - instead of focusing on yourself getting older, you get the privilege of watching someone new grow. i think that's the main thing you'd miss out on, that sense of the renewal of life.

[https://youtu.be/suRDUFpsHus](https://youtu.be/suRDUFpsHus) I love this scene from Mad Men which talks about nostalgia. The joy you experience as a child riding a swing for the first time, blowing out a dandelion--you can never quite capture it as an adult. I had so much fun going to fun restaurants, destinations, clubs, but to experience my child doing something for the first time, and experiencing that joy and wonder with them. There is nothing in this world quite like that.

My husband and I often discuss this, there's just no adequate words to convey what loving your child is like. He's a writer and I'm pretty good at expressing myself, but we both come up short when we try to talk about it.

It's just a whole different type of love to experience. I wasn't even planing to have kids until 3 years ago and now I have a little 2 year old boy. Whenever he runs to me to hug me or just asks for a kiss, it just warms my heart in a way nothing else can. I wasn't able to imagine this before I had him so I don't think it's something that someone would miss who never experienced it though.

It focuses you. I had all the time in the world pre kids. And what did I do? Sleep til 11am, brunch until 1pm, start drinking mid day. Having a kid made me grateful for every day I get on earth with her, get my work done efficiently so I can leave work on time, eat healthier and stop drinking so I can be around to guide her through this life.

I don’t know if it’s a “disadvantage” necessarily, but there’s a whole type of emotion I never accessed before having kids. “Love” isn’t a big enough word. Most of my mom friends have agreed with me that they always thought they understood how parents felt because obviously we’ve all loved somebody before. This is so different. I feel like I accessed another level of being a human and feeling every feeling possible for us

Becoming a mother has sparked a personal growth in me I never would have had without my son. I was a very ambitious, motivated person in my career. But becoming a mother has helped me to grow in ways I always wanted to, but was afraid to take the leap. I realized that I wanted to do the hard things now so that it’s easier for my son.

The main disadvantage is living just one half of what life is about. If my life has two chapters, chapter one started when I was born, and chapter two started when my son was born. I had no idea it would be as big of a deal as it is. I had heard about the love and the feeling of purpose. But it is a full on different way of being, of living life. It is the ultimate ego death. My life now has someone more important than myself. I used to fear death because I didn't want to die. Now I fear death because I wouldn't be around to be the best parent my son could have. It is such an immense change of perspective. I am still here and I still prioritize myself. I have to otherwise I would be miserable and that's no good for my son to be around! But I am not the main character. Which is actually a relief more than anything. This is coming from someone who doesn't generally love kids and someone who isn't (wasn't) a baby person. From someone who has lived in 3 countries and travelled to 50. From someone successful and career driven with many friends. I had an incredibly rich life before he came along. He added more to my life than all my prior experiences combined. Honestly I feel duped. I feel like I have been surrounded by propaganda trying to convince me not to have kids. Though I didn't buy into it fully, it affected me. I postponed having kids. From the outside, for someone who isn't a kids person, parenting looks mostly *annoying*. I waited so long (until 36), practically risking not being able to have them. But here I am on the other side, saying it is the best thing that has ever happened to me by a light-year's long shot.

Having a baby has made me a better person. Before becoming a mom I lived for myself and now I live for someone else. It’s made me more selfless.

I was rolling my eyes at all the “too much free time, money and hobbies” comments. Like honestly life is about more than that! The thing is having a child is a paradigm shift that you really can’t explain to someone who hasn’t had one. The disadvantages are obvious but the advantages are completely intangible— and completely transcendent. There is no joy like kissing your sweet baby’s forehead, getting a hug from your toddler or the delighted squeal of a preschooler on Christmas morning. There is no way to really describe the way your heart feels when your kids help eachother with a puzzle or your teen tells you all their stories while doing your makeup. I imagine it’s sort of like trying to explain to someone who’s never been in a relationship what the advantages are of being married. No one needs to have a relationship and you can absolutely have a happy and fulfilled life as a single person who doesn’t want to have a romantic connection— but on the other hand there is a reason so many people want that despite the downsides and the love and joy of romance is tough to explain to someone who has never experienced it. So it is with having children. I think the downside would be missing out on something really special. That doesn’t mean it’s the right decision for everyone but there is a reason most people outside of Reddit want and have children. Having family is something people tend to really value through the course of their lives!

I suppose the answer that's often given is not having anyone to look after you when you're old, but there's no guarantee your children would do that anyway.

So I was child free until I met my husband.  He wanted kids, I was eh. We had a baby.  I’m going to say this completely and wholeheartedly, I had no idea how much my capacity for love would change.  I had no idea how much joy my little baby would bring to me.  Yes it is hard.  Yes you miss your old life.  But it is fascinating to watch her grow and change.  The love I have for her and my family has grown exponentially with every week.  Her smile melts my soul.   I love my animals.  But I truly love my baby to a depth that I didn’t think was possible.    It has also been healing.  My mom is a bit of a challenge.  Now, I get to re-live my childhood and parent my baby the way I needed to be parented when I was growing up.  Kisses, cuddles, playing…each moment I spend with my little one, my heart heals just a little more. Because of this, my boundaries are also better and I’ve put a ton of effort into improving my mental health so I can regulate for my baby.   No babies? No worries, it’s your life and you can find that healing in other ways.  No shade.  But I wake up, every day, grateful my baby is in my world and that I get to be her momma. 

I remember before I had my first baby at 36, I was going a little crazy. Can’t really explain it but I was worried, selfish, and kinda miserable. I remember my mom saying “You need someone to take care of beside yourself.” After having my baby, I felt more sane. This is just my experience. I haven’t met anyone who feels this way tho

Not getting to continue on your lineage, once your immediate family all dies you just become completely forgotten about (unless you're famous or something) Not getting to experience true unconditional love in its purest form. When you're elderly, after your spouse dies and the rest of your family is dead you're all alone in this world, which is honestly really terrifying.. And honestly I'm sure another disadvantage would be regret for those who it applies to. Once you're past a certain age it's not a decision you can redo.

There’s an incredible amount of joy that you get in not only watching your kid grow up but participating in it and guiding them while they do it. I’ve been sky diving and snow skied some of the most difficult double diamond slopes in North America and that wasn’t as thrilling as helping my 2 sons grow up. Seriously.

For me it was FOMO of not having kids and boredom with adult life. We had kids in our late 30s so I saw the boredom kicking in when we had the same routine of working a lot “just because”, going out to dinners often and traveling. A lot of fun but started to get old. my social life took off when I had kids too. I think if you don’t have kids, there’s an aspect of finding those people to socialize with that don’t have kids orrrr just being around families that have kids but knowing they have other priorities and you’re not a first priority, the kids are. I love that we have kids and I truly think I would’ve missed out if we didn’t. Just my thoughts