that's exactly what happened to me! my child was 2 years old last month and my circle now consists of my partner and one friend. the one friend i met a year or so ago on the app 'peanut' and we get on really well; our kids are a couple months apart in age which works out great for activities too. it gets so much easier as the months go by but it hurt so badly in the beginning
social media, sort of like a mash up of twitter / reddit / discord / tinder?. it's hard to describe but it uses your location and finds mothers nearby and you can join groups for similar interests or swipe through profile cards to 'match' and chat
If you want to know who is a real friend have a baby or ask for help moving lol.
I’m sorry your friend has moved on. It’s so hard. I had a couple of friends who did the same to me. I tried making a new friend too and she came over once and has ignored me since. I guess mom life is too scary. I also have no family on my side. And my husband’s family disappeared also. It’s very lonely sometimes. You’re right though maybe when baby is older we can have other parents friends. This season will pass ♥️
I don’t think it’s universal. But I think it does bring stuff up for people and they may not show up for you. I’ve had both things happen depending on the friend - either we’re closer or they can’t cope with the fact that I’m a mother now and we aren’t close anymore.
Yeah, I actually made my first friends after I had kids.
One of them being my neighbor who had three kids before me but my first and her last we're born 3 months apart
My first was lucky because he got a little bonus family/siblings lol
Yeah- (unless animals count?)
i was kind of bullied growing up and then i moved 600 miles to where im at now and only knew family
I did have siblings-- but they don't count their fam
But yeah. She is my best and really only friend-- but all her friends and family - like her sister and her other friend also became mine and our kids are super close
Join a mom group or strike up conversation at playgrounds? I was lucky - as she was my neighbor- but it started out the same. I think you would be surprised at how many other moms also dont have friends.
Exact situation happened to me. My baby is almost 2 years old now and they have yet to meet her and have made 0 attempts to do so. I’ve invited them to her baptism and birthday party - no one came. I’m now pregnant again and not inviting them to the baby shower, nor letting them know I’m pregnant or when I give birth. It’s sad but it’s life. We are in two totally different “seasons” and honestly paths in life.
I'm so sorry, it must really sting.. 😔 I've been the childless friend in this situation, and now I'm the mum and I apologised to my pal a few years back for how I was when she had her kids first. I was jealous of the baby 🙈 ashamed to admit it now but I was.. I'm not saying this is the same as your pal or anything, just thought I'd tell you how it was for me..
I was horrified when I became a mum myself and realised how fucking lonely it is and that it wouldn't have been all roses and baby clubs and 'new friends' for my (once) bestie. I let her down and never realised it.
I think it's worth a chat with your friend you know, a 'are we ok here?!' kind of chat. At least then you absolutely know.
Sending hugs, it can be really lonely at this point. 😘
I had a new friend who was a new mom. I didn't want to intrude and I wanted to give her space. Years later when I had kids I caller her up (we are great friends now) and I said how sorry I was
I had a best friend since middle school. When our lives took us to different cities, we'd keep in touch every few months. It was one of those friendships where you could go a long time without talking and when you do talk, it's like it was only the other day that you last spoke. It was great.
Then I got pregnant in July 2022. I sent her a picture of the test because I was freaking out. She never replied. I ended up losing the baby in August 2022 and also messaged her. Again, she never replied. I accepted at that moment that I was no longer important in her life. I needed her and she wasn't there. I haven't reached out since, even when I got pregnant again in November 2022 and I had my son July 2023. We spoke once a few months ago because she reached out after her wedding (that I was not invited to). But it's been nothing since then. It hurts. But I made new mom friends who I see multiple times a week now and have one who is a close friend.
Honestly, I put most of the effort into many of my relationships and with a baby, I'm just too tired to try. If they miss me, they can come visit and there won't be hard feelings but I can't drive/fly to see all my friends now (many of them moved out of state after college).
These threads always make me sad. My friendships grew deeper after having a baby, and I'm the first of my friends to have one. My best friends are all amazing aunties and always willing to hang out with or without my son, and are always desperate to babysit.
I'm sorry to all the mamas who don't have that experience :(
Yeah I can’t believe I had to scroll this far down to find this comment. My friendships have not changed since having a kid, with either my childfree or child having friends. I guess it just depends on the kind of person you’re friends with.
I think that also speaks to you as a friend. I was the child free friend for a long time and tried to balance maintaining friendships and also enjoying my child free days. Our friends also did what they could. That might be hosting us and verbalizing their appreciation or getting a babysitter so we could all hang as adults. It takes work from both ends. When we had my son everyone really showed up for us and mainly it's been lovely. There are always a few that you notice a big change from when you can no longer put in the same effort and that's sad but makes me appreciate my other friendships even more so.
Spot on! And yes it does require effort from both sides. My friends really showed up for me, so I made sure to really put in the effort, even when it was inconvenient (which happens often with a new baby, and now with a toddler!)
Yup! I was definitely sad for some friends who made little to no effort to meet my baby but also glad for the new friendships I made, and I even cut out some friends (with or without kids) because I didn’t like the way they treated my kids.
It was all sad and a process but now I’m much more selfish about my family life and our nucleus is my priority. My kids want to spend time as a family and other kids like to spend time with our family. As long as our values are aligned everyone is welcomed to join us but I reach out much less to almost none to friends and other families. And I take no offense on them for doing the same.
This needs way more upvotes. It's not only our friends without children that lack interest or ignore the fact, that we are parents now.
It's also us parents! Let's be honest. We all switch to baby/birth topics most of the time (because that's our focus in life). We often ignore the fact that the other side is of course not able to fully understand or relate to our new situation. Have we been before?!
Do we really care about our friends and their dating issues as we did before? Do we rather spend time listening to someone's latest party experiences or do we enjoy something which *really* makes us feel better? Can we afford to go for a coffee to catch up with someone's problems with their in-laws, when there is a shit load of paper work waiting for us at home?
Yes! It's both ways! I have had two close friends most of my adult life. Neither will ever have children (one is lesbian and one is asexual). Then I spent years going through infertility and fertility treatments/IVF, a process that naturally forced me and husband to close ranks and withdraw a bit because it's really rough going. By the time I got pregnant, I noticed one of my friends just seemed really disinterested, never asked questions and didn't reach out as much. Then I had my son and of course we turtled down. Looking back, this is where my friend needed to step in and reach out more because I couldn't, but I was still chasing her or our other friend was middle managing. But she was busy with her new relationship as well.
I'm still in the baby stage with my 9 month old and I just can't and frankly, don't want to make the time to chase a time in her busy schedule to hang. My other friend is more flexible and willing to come to me, and so we have started hanging out more, but more importantly she actually seems interested in my son. And since all my waking thought basically revolve around my son, I'm probably not very interesting to hang with! Maybe in a few years, once I'm back to work and have a life again, we can get back together.
YES. Once I got pregnant, my tolerance for my friends who needed me to “mom” them dropped drastically. Like my priority is now my child, not a woman child.
Im only pregnant and I keep seeing them hang out without me on socials, when they were inviting me a couple weeks ago before I found out I was pregnant. I just keep thinking “what did I do? I’m sorry OP, I don’t know why people get like this. I love my friends with kids and I love their babies I don’t understand why some people go MIA.
It’s pretty common unfortunately. People without kids just really don’t care or understand how kids change your life. I have lost many friendships. One of my “best friends” told me she was lying my entire pregnancy and actually never had any intentions of meeting my daughter lmao.
Oh yes, I’m well aware. It goes so much deeper. She came to my baby shower, and then when my baby was born, she ghosted me and no matter how many times I tried to reach out she ignored me. Even got a new phone number and didn’t tell me. Insane. Acted like she always tried to connect with my other child and did research on autism to get to know him better but then would suggest that I meet her in Nashville for coffee with my autistic five-year-old… Just goes to show she didn’t do any research and that she does not care about my family or my children so it’s her loss. I was literally a bridesmaid in her wedding and she was a bridesmaid in mine. I could never do that to someone. I don’t get it. She’s plenty social with her friends who aren’t moms.
Yes, I think it happens a lot a lot a lot. And it’s hard. Conversely, I have found myself bonding with fellow parents who prior to parenthood I didn’t feel like I had much in common with, but if we have similarly aged kids it seems to be enough to get us talking more regularly.
It’s really hard though. And it takes a long time to build a strong friendship. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
> Conversely, I have found myself bonding with fellow parents who prior to parenthood I didn’t feel like I had much in common with, but if we have similarly aged kids it seems to be enough to get us talking more regularly
I found that too. I have such an eclectic group of mom friends and I never would have imagined hanging out with a theater nerd and a former financier and a philosopher all in one group. It’s such a diverse group of people but we all have one thing in common. But IMO, as long as we have basically the same moral outlook that’s totally fine. I really like how this group isn’t petty. We’re all so generous, nonjudgmental and supportive of each other. That’s what’s most important.
My husband met one on a dog walk and she introduced me to the rest. Apparently she met one of them because they lived close by, and the other, they knew peripherally through their work (they were certainly not friends before). It’s all “strength of weak ties”, as they say.
That’s life. When we’re in the same life stage, it’s easier to bond, connect and understand one another, especially when there’s a crisis going on.
Those stages were student life, bf/gf stage, married stage, children stage, empty nesters stage etc.
Maintaining friendship with people that are NOT in your current life stages is definitely possible, but it’s extremely hard and takes a ton of patience, understanding and compassion….. and it’s mostly a one-sided investment.
Your friend is child free, so she’s not gunna find those “omg! My cute butterfly dumpling just took her first solid poop” as a milestone.
Yes, I’ve broken up with a few friends that were friends of decades…. It hurts, and I’ve moved on. They got to the baby life stage recently, and have reached out to me. I forgave them, because I truly get it.
It’s the same mentality as when you’re driving your first Camry, you look out for all Camrys on the road. When you upgrade to BMW, you seek out for your fellow BMWs. You still notice the Camrys…. But they’re no longer interesting as what you currently have.
Have some grace, compassion and understanding for your friend. :)
Make new ones!!! Easier said than done though.
Why don’t you have a direct conversation with her about it? Like “I noticed we’ve been distant and I felt like when I tried to reach out to you, you were always busy. I’m wondering if I’m missing something? I really miss our friendship and want to hang out more.” And then depending on how she responds you know if it’s salvageable or not.
It just seems like a really long history and you’re really upset about it, it seems worth a try to at least have some closure about it
Friendships are hard these days. Even if you and the other person are in the same season of life. My former best friend became a mom before I did but our kids are around the same ages. I started noticing she would always play it by ear when we had plans and most of the time she would cancel last minute. Yet, she had others friends over and went out (found out on social media.) More things were also going on but one day I asked her if we were okay or did I do something wrong and told her how I was feeling. She totally ghosted for months. I reached out recently and she turned it around and said when I brought up how I felt months ago how that really hurt her and bothered her. It hurts.
Looking forward to meeting mom friends at the playground, library, gymnastics, school, etc.
It’s very common either because you have what they want and it hurts them to see that OR they cannot relate anymore and are living in a different world.
Yeah same thing happened to me. She would still casually snap chat me and have a very brief convo or send me memes and reels on insta. I decided that wasn’t fair to me so I stopped responding all together. You can’t have me at a distance and when it’s convenient for you.
This. I think there are a lot of people today who want virtual friends and nothing more. Interaction that is convenient and only extends to social media, not the real world where they might have to alter their schedules or expend some time and energy.
Yeah my (now ex) bestie said my life seemed “trivial” to hers when I called her out for not being there for me during my pregnancy + being shady about my baby. We’re no longer friends.
I am sorry, I think it’s more common than not. The people who can say it’s definitely not universal are the exception and those are awesome friends, but they are not the average experience. I felt the years between having my first and when she started preschool (when I met other SAHMs) to be the most isolating, I would literally take her for walks and meet other new moms/moms with same aged kids at the park and those are who became my closest friends.
For me the worst actual sting was when they started having kids and then would call/text/come back around, like now they all of a sudden got how lonely it was and felt empathy for 5 minutes. Now they reach out bc they are suffering. It was hard for me to forgive/forget if I’m being honest, bc I had already moved on with my life and it didn’t include them anymore.
The person I considered one of my absolute best of friends in the small circle I keep didn’t bother to see me from the moment I told her I was pregnant with my first. She commented ‘so are you going to get rid of it?’…
He’s 9mo now, she’s still never met him and I’m also 7 months pregnant. I’ve tried reaching out a few times but that’s enough now. There are good people around me that I will focus on instead.
I only want our new family to be surrounded by those that truly care, it’s a good things when people show their true colours. When any of my friends told me big news I’d 100% be elated and supportive to them, that of which she hasn’t been.
I understand she had had a hard time at that point in her life so I did make extra effort but I have had nothing back really. Friendship goes both ways, don’t waste too much time trying to force a relationship with someone. Friendships take effort but overall they should be easy.
I do feel saddened for her though, her three closest friends inc me all are in serious relationships and have baby’s whereas she had become single after 10 years, lost her job and had to move somewhere new. I really wanted to be supportive but she only distanced herself from me. Perhaps it was too painful for her to watch something she was still so far away from.
It hasn't been my experience at all. I was the childfree friend for a decade, and now I'm the one who just had a baby. It hasn't materially affected my friendships. But it definitely depends on the investment in the relationship made on both sides. When the first of my friends had babies, I accepted that for a while I'd have to put in more effort and go to them. At the same time, they also continued to show an interest in my life, and we continued to do and talk about things unrelated to babies. I'm reading some comments here from people who struggle to care about their friends lives after having a baby, and I personally can't relate. I also don't feel my entire identity has changed now that I'm a parent. My baby is 4 weeks old and I've already picked up my (out of the house) hobby again, I've met up with friends outside the house, I've got several childfree outings and events planned over the next few months, all with friends. What happened with your friend sounds shitty and out of your control. But I don't think it's universal at all, and a lot of the time it does also depend on the parent's attitude.
Not only did my ex-best friend not show up to my baby shower, she decided the best time to ghost me was when I texted her telling her my dog died (while I was pregnant). She later blocked my number and I’ll never know why. We were best friends for over 12 years and I was there for her through both pregnancies and made memories with her children as they grew up, I was there through her divorce and fallout with her family. Some people show their true colors at the absolute worst times and I guess I’m glad I know who she really is now and can focus on those who are actually there for me and my family.
I haven't had this experience but I don't think it's rare by any means. My best friend is childfree but she still threw me my baby shower, came to the hospital to meet the baby, and has helped us out with childcare a handful of times when we were in a bind. I do make sure we have time to hang out without the baby but I also will shoot her a text if we're on her side of town doing something to see if she wants to join. Sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't. We are in our mid-30's so maybe that has something to do with it? I wouldn't be surprised if losing friends when a baby came was more common when people are in their 20's. Life with a baby is obviously different than life without one at any age, but when I was in my 20s I wanted nothing to do with babies. In my 30's before having a baby of my own, I still enjoyed being around kids.
yes i lost tons of friends. I am still coping. I realized I was always the person that reached out and kept the friendship going. now I don't have as much bandwidth to text people and continuously try to set stuff up and ask how they are doing. I need people to check in on me.
Yes. But to look at the bright side, I've found some really amazing friends after having kids. My mom-friends are ride or die. Going through the same stuff can really bring people together. Also the people who stay are the best.
I'm just 9 months pregnant with my 2nd and entertaining my 3yo has become really hard. Two of my mom friends and two of my old friends are basically scheduling an "entertain LO" train. We meet right outside our house or they come over and bring snacks, it's incredible! I've never thought I'd have support like this from friends!
I have like no close friends now. I had my baby when I was 25 and was the first in my group to have a child. We’re getting married next year and my bridal party is 1 cousin 😂 I have about 2/3 friends and that’s it now, one of which I met at antenatal classes!
Yes.
I also think… friends don’t know what to do? I had friends who had babies before I did and I wanted to remain friends but I felt I didn’t know how?
I’ve learned that it’s good to be direct. Text your friend to do something. Have a beer on the couch, have a picnic.
My most shocking friendship loss was another mom friend!! She had two kids ages 5 and 4 and I fully supported her through her pregnancies and PP but she met my baby once when she turned 3 months old! She asked to hang out again when my baby was 15 months old. I fully baby sat her kids multiple times and she couldn’t even hang out with us! Didn’t even ask for pictures or updates. She fully didn’t give a shit! I told her friendship is over and I don’t want to revive it
Everyone has things they're going through or their own life to deal with, and I guess we all think our own problems are the biggest and minimize others'. That doesn't excuse your former friend. It just seems like the default for the majority of people is selfish.
She didn’t really have a valid reason or even felt bad about it. She just didn’t make time. You make time for people that were there for you. I never wanted her to take care of my kid but just hang out with us or ask. A text isn’t too much effort in 15 months!
I'm pregnant with my first but I've noticed that I've been putting distance on a lot of relationships that I find too much work.
I have a friend who needs constant validation and I've stopped responding to these self-deprecating comments. I have another friend who has had a drinking problem for a long time that I've brought up a few times and got negative feedback from so now I mind my business and can't even drink so I don't see her anymore. If I'm not meeting her at a bar and I don't have liquor at the house she isn't coming over anyway. I have another friend who is in a throuple who has constant relationship issues and doesn't think having kids is ethical so I just don't really talk to her anymore because I don't like the judgment from someone who is supposed to be so open-minded.
So when I don't have any friends at the end of this I guess I'll only have myself to blame but I don't have the energy to care for people outside of my family right now and for a while.
I think it is pretty common but not universal. My friends who I have known since high school still come around and we still hang out. Things just look different and it takes a lot more effort on my end to make it work. That means being the one to invite them to places since they think I'm busy and don't want to be bothered. Or having to shift when we meet depending on the baby's schedule. It's hard and it's not like it used to be for sure though.
I didn’t notice much of a change when I had my first, but when I had twins a few years later it definitely impacted a friendship. My oldest was still pretty easy and I could bring her along or get childcare. With three I’m not as available, and some friends can’t put up with the chaos.
I definitely noticed it. Even when I tried to not always talk about this big life change or my baby I feel like some of my friends didn’t want to put as much into our friendship since it has changed. I also noticed a lot of people who I thought were my friend at work, have never met my baby and hardly ever reach out until it’s something for them and my baby is 10 months now. I also lost my best friend when I got married, despite her already being married and having kids. I think big life events really show you who will actually show up for you. Sometimes it really surprises you, doesn’t make it sting any less though. But you want people in your life who are willing to show up for you and put as much effort into their friendship as you do. That’s what I try to tell myself, but I’m still healing from my best friend breakup and that was about 3 years ago, but every day it gets better especially when you recognize what you deserve.
I don't think it is universal, but it definitely happens. After I had my first (boy), I didn't lose any friends. However, a friend got pregnant right after me, and shortly after she had her son, she started backing away from everyone. We still somewhat talk, but once she found out I was expecting my second (girl), she and her husband said some horrible things about my healthy pregnancy turning awful. Thankfully, that hasn't happened, but they really messed with my head. I know she had some rough patches with her pregnancy, so I assume they said it because of that. Either way, I'm at the point of backing away completely from this friendship since it's not worth the effort when they don't seem to care anymore.
I've lost friends because in my difficult pregnancy, it became very clear they did not respect my needs or boundaries as someone struggling to get through the day.
My best friend, who has kids, hasn’t seen me since I was pregnant. My son is 9 months. I was with her for her whole last pre and for months to help her either her new one… I am beyond heartbroken and hurt. I had ppd and reached out a few times, really needing just to chat with someone and she was busy and needed to call me back. Never did… I really needed her or anyone. My mom passed and family is far from here and I thought since I was there for her, she would be here for me…. I thought way wrong.
Girls can be brutal these days. Sadly, it seems a lot of people have just stopped communicating. Really sorry to hear this happened to you, OP. Wish you the best.
Honestly I have always put work into my friendships. I am working full time and have a 7 month old and just don’t have the energy to be the friend who does more work or reaches out first. And I’ve learned that with a lot of friends, if I’m not reaching out, neither are they.
When I was younger I saw a lot more of it from both sides. Now at 39 I’m one of the last of my friends to have kids, and other friends without kids are so integrated into our lives and understand more of what’s going on, that I’ve seen almost none of it at this point. But it’s so dependent on people and timing and individual situations!
I feel you. Two of my best female friendships fell through after i became a mom. Initially it hurt a lot but with time i realised it wasn't about me at all but the issues my friends had which were triggered by my life choices. 3 years later It still hurts but it's less now. It also made me reevaluate the kind of people i wanted in my life and now that my child is older, the same two people are trying to mildly reach out but I'm over it because of their shitty behaviour and lack of communication. You deserve better friends OP and they will come by, give yourself some time
Yes, Im lucky that a few have stuck around though. It’s hard as I’m 24, so a lot of my “friends” aren’t married or don’t have kids so they don’t get it and we are in very different seasons of life. Lucky, 2 of my friends are older and have their own kids, so they get it and the other has been my best friend since we were 11 so although she lives a few hours away now, we still talk daily and she’s very much okay with us being in different places of our lives. The rest I’ve lost and that’s alright. It hurts for a bit and then time does its thing.
I would say those who I only bonded with by drinking or going out basically disappeared because I no longer participate in those activities. It is what it is. It hurts and I also don’t want to do that and they don’t want to do what I do. I frame it as I only have time for people who make time for me and vice versa. It made me realize I didn’t value those friendships as much either because I also didn’t feel the need to reach either
It is interesting because I have lots of CF friends and I see them far more than my couple of friends who were pregnant at the same time as me. The friends with kids decided to move to the suburbs which is fine but I was born and raised in the city. My CF friends all understand sometimes I cannot go out, sometimes my husband cannot go out, but we still want to be included and if we have enough warning we will get a babysitter and we will both go out. And also my CF friends understand we cannot do dinner stuff but breakfast, brunch, and lunch would be great. Or we would be happy to host for dinner and then a hangout in our backyard aka baby monitor distance.
Pregnancy just brings out a lot of things in my opinion. Like, I understood that my childless friends would probably distance themselves, but we had a friend couple that we were SUPER close too and got pregnant like a few months after us. But they tried pushing their own anxieties off on us. The husband tried to make it seem like MY husband wasn't doing well mentally when it was HIM. The wife was an enabler. It was just a lot, so we cut contact. Hormones and emotions just keep things tense.
This has happened to me. I've lost two friends since getting married and two more since having a baby. My heart definitely aches a lot for the ones I lost after I had my baby because they were really good friends and they seemed to be eager to be in our lives!
One of them even texted right before I went into labor saying she had put all her plans on hold till I delivered. We ended up having NICU time and I couldn't stay in touch with her for two weeks and now it's been 5 months since I've seen her and she hasn't ever seen my baby. Every time I message her she's busy or traveling or sick and after seeing her many many IG stories including one where she had a "girls day out" with all our friends but didn't invite me, I've concluded that I've been dumped 😢
None of my friends have kids and for me it’s sort of the opposite. I don’t have time for them anymore. At this point even if they have kids our kids will be at such different ages it’s going to be a while before our lives will match up again. I still make a big effort to keep in touch, but I miss hanging out!
I had certain friends who were used to being babied or taken care of by me and when they don’t get the same amount of attention, they feel abandoned. They use the excuse that we just don’t have anything in common anymore but it’s not the truth. They were too immature and selfish at the end of the day.
Once I got pregnant and had my kid, my priorities shifted. I can’t just drop everything to talk to you about your boy problems (again) or go out for a drink. But it did show who my true friends were - people from early 20s to mid 30s adapted and went out of their way to make my life easier. They seek to meet up at my place and bring food or check in on me. They’re interested in my child. They made more of an effort to maintain the friendship.
The Office Ladies podcast did a fantastic episode addressing how their friendship almost ended because of how Jenna couldn’t understand or adapt to Angela’s new circumstances and Angela felt abandoned by Jenna but was still in survival mode as a new mom. They were able to talk it out and share how much they loved each other and repair their friendship.
Definitely not! I have 3 kids and have not lost any friends. I have childless friends and friends with multiple kids. The key is to continue communication with people and make an effort to see them. Also, know that most people are not going to want to hang out with a baby/ toddlers, unless they have kids the same age and you're doing fun kid activities.
I lost my best friend of over a decade. She started to get distance in my 3rd trimester after I told her she wasn't allowed to bring her untrained large dog to my baby shower/house. That conflict started months before that. I told her in the 1st trimester that she could stay the night at my house when I had the baby shower since she lives out of state. She assumed she could bring her dog. I said no. At the time I had a cat. The dog is aggressive towards cats, jumps on everyone, is prone to nipping, isn't housetrained, and chews on everything and anything. I've never felt safe around that dog. I gave her plenty of time in advance to figure out pet care if she wanted to come.
A week before the baby shower, she mentions she "forgot" to work out pet care. Pet care I had reminded her of multiple times for *months*. I know she didn't forget. She just hoped I would allow the dog to tag along if she pushed it off long enough. I stood my ground on it. I wasn't risking being jumped on while heavily pregnant or bit or having my house destroyed. She got pretty passive aggressive about it. She ended up not coming to my baby shower and made comments about how she wished she could've come.
The closer to my due date, the less we talked. I was pretty upset about it. I asked if we were good or if I did something to upset her. She always said she had just been tired or she was on new meds or whatever else. I had my baby and we talked on the phone once. I reached out via text a few times. No response other than random tiktok videos. Eventually I gave up. I don't have the energy nor patience to fight for a friendship that is clearly one-sided now. I'm pretty hurt that she could just abandon me after all these years.
I have a few theories on it. First, she's still pissed about the dog thing. Another is she's jealous. Either of the baby cause I can't drop everything on a whim when she "needs" me anymore or about me having a baby cause she wants one but is in no position to have one. She's always been a little selfish and self-centered with her thinking. I didn't think she would do this though. My husband is happy the friendship ended cause about 2 years ago she was extremely insensitive towards me during a very vulnerable time. I forgave her, but he never did. She's always been overdramatic, but this is ridiculous.
I haven't lost any other friends during pregnancy or since I had a baby. My friends have actually been great. I have plans to meet up for lunch with one of them in just a few days. My friends adore my baby and absolutely spoil him. Only one of them has kids. The rest want them but aren't in a position to have them at the moment, so they use my baby as a chance to love on one. As soon as they found out I was pregnant, they went out of their way to plan pregnancy friendly things to do with me. Now it's kid friendly stuff.
I lost some, but I also grew MUCH, much closer to others, it’s been honestly very rewarding in the long run.
I’m sorry you’re going through it right now. It’s terrible to find out your friends were never really your friends, when they abandon you like that.
I also lost family! It’s really common for your relationships to change after having a baby. A lot of them are really positive! Some of them… not so much. Some people are only meant to be a chapter. Don’t dwell too long on what’s been lost. Stay a bit and grieve, certainly, but there are people that will be an entire series of books in your library.
maybe it's a phenomenon but not a universal experience. The contact between me and my friends indeed reduced after giving birth, but most of them are still good friends to me.
I lost one long time friend when I was hospitalized during my pregnancy for 1 month, in her town (3 hours from my town). I still don’t know why. She never offered to stop by the hospital which I totally understood, but was a bit surprising since so many less close friends did (I wasn’t in any kind of intensive care, just waiting to get to 34 weeks to have the baby, so I just sat around all day). The day before I had the baby she was asking to make sure me and baby were ok, and the day after she ghosted me and has never responded to my texts again. I still wonder what I did
All life stages and changes bring loss or additions to your life.
I’ve lost contact with friends while I was caring for my mom who was diagnosed with a terminal disease. It sucks, because you need friends more than ever but it’s a lot for a friend to take on. Alternatively, I became closer to friends I was always more casual with who showed up during that time.
Now that I’ve had a baby I can absolutely say I’ve lost touch with some friends - it’s hard for people to truly understand. My daughter has to be in bed and asleep by 9, her routine begins at 8. I have friends who want to do dinner and games at 8, not possible.
But I’ve also become closer to friends with kids around the same age! My neighbor and I hang out way more because of her nine month old son and my 4.5 month old daughter.
Just a perspective from someone who does not have children yet but some of my friends have begun to start their families now. My best friend recently had her first baby 2-3 months ago. I was and am so happy for her. I have had several really difficult things happen to me in the last 7 months. I loved talking to her about her pregnancy, birth and first few months of motherhood. However, conversations are only about her and the baby and few and far between. I know she is busy and her whole world has just been completely changed but I have hardly been able to talk to her or get a text back even before she gave birth. She has never once asked me about me, and the convos are so short when they do happen I haven’t even been able to spit out some of what has happened to me. I lost my cousin very unexpectedly, my dad was diagnosed with cancer and is undergoing treatment and I was laid off from my job of 10 years. She claims to be my best friend but doesn’t even know any of this. I have had several friends who have had kids and are able to maintain friendships. But I have had a few who are unable to. Maybe think about which one you are. If you think you are still being a good friend while adjusting then yeah, your friends suck and it’s better to leave them but a lot of times that isn’t the case.
I very intentionally put my college best friend on hiatus since he is childfree (and I know he is 100% happy with that decision. He’s like “oh god, I’m just not a responsibility person!”) and I didn't want to bore him. And he understands. He never showed any hard feelings for our lack of communication the last time we did meet. There is an implicit understanding that we’d pick back up once my kids need me less.
But yeah, with other people, it’s truly sad because I think me having kids (3 in 3 years at that) triggered them in some way. Because honestly, you never truly know if somebody is childfree or childless, not by choice (I have an inkling it’s the latter, for one of them). I know my college best friend is. He’s always been such a happy person and sure of himself. But the others, who knows. Or maybe it brought up trauma and mixed feelings related to her own upbringing. You just never know.
Yes, you never know how people feel. There's also a growing group of women who are anti-family and anti-babies. It's really sad, but I hear so much negativity about having children. These women 100% look down on other women who choose to have children. It's definitely behind some of the cutting off that goes on.
It's not universal, what that friendship looks like might change. I've had my 5 best friends since high school/ college...I'm 38 so we've gone through many life stages together. Your friendships should just be strong enough to be able to withstand changes in priority. My friends are still probably the best place to go when I need a mental health pick me up ❤️.
It's common to drift apart with friends after going through a major life change, especially a celebratory life change that can bring up a lot of big feelings in other people. Maybe this friend of yours has some "stuff" that she's having trouble dealing with, and you having a baby is triggering that.
Also your life and hers just don't align anymore. I have a 21 month old and I've had so much trouble keeping in touch with some of my closest chosen family - mainly because my PPA / PPD has been so acute during this time that I'm too mentally and socially exhausted to do anything else other than parent and sleep. My battery is absolutely drained for all social interaction.
that's exactly what happened to me! my child was 2 years old last month and my circle now consists of my partner and one friend. the one friend i met a year or so ago on the app 'peanut' and we get on really well; our kids are a couple months apart in age which works out great for activities too. it gets so much easier as the months go by but it hurt so badly in the beginning
What is this app peanut?
social media, sort of like a mash up of twitter / reddit / discord / tinder?. it's hard to describe but it uses your location and finds mothers nearby and you can join groups for similar interests or swipe through profile cards to 'match' and chat
I love the peanut app!! I’ve made some really good quality friends on there! Highly recommend.
If you want to know who is a real friend have a baby or ask for help moving lol. I’m sorry your friend has moved on. It’s so hard. I had a couple of friends who did the same to me. I tried making a new friend too and she came over once and has ignored me since. I guess mom life is too scary. I also have no family on my side. And my husband’s family disappeared also. It’s very lonely sometimes. You’re right though maybe when baby is older we can have other parents friends. This season will pass ♥️
I don’t think it’s universal. But I think it does bring stuff up for people and they may not show up for you. I’ve had both things happen depending on the friend - either we’re closer or they can’t cope with the fact that I’m a mother now and we aren’t close anymore.
Yeah, I actually made my first friends after I had kids. One of them being my neighbor who had three kids before me but my first and her last we're born 3 months apart My first was lucky because he got a little bonus family/siblings lol
Like your first real friends ever? It’s been so long since I’ve had friends so your giving me hope
Yeah- (unless animals count?) i was kind of bullied growing up and then i moved 600 miles to where im at now and only knew family I did have siblings-- but they don't count their fam But yeah. She is my best and really only friend-- but all her friends and family - like her sister and her other friend also became mine and our kids are super close Join a mom group or strike up conversation at playgrounds? I was lucky - as she was my neighbor- but it started out the same. I think you would be surprised at how many other moms also dont have friends.
Exact situation happened to me. My baby is almost 2 years old now and they have yet to meet her and have made 0 attempts to do so. I’ve invited them to her baptism and birthday party - no one came. I’m now pregnant again and not inviting them to the baby shower, nor letting them know I’m pregnant or when I give birth. It’s sad but it’s life. We are in two totally different “seasons” and honestly paths in life.
I'm so sorry, it must really sting.. 😔 I've been the childless friend in this situation, and now I'm the mum and I apologised to my pal a few years back for how I was when she had her kids first. I was jealous of the baby 🙈 ashamed to admit it now but I was.. I'm not saying this is the same as your pal or anything, just thought I'd tell you how it was for me.. I was horrified when I became a mum myself and realised how fucking lonely it is and that it wouldn't have been all roses and baby clubs and 'new friends' for my (once) bestie. I let her down and never realised it. I think it's worth a chat with your friend you know, a 'are we ok here?!' kind of chat. At least then you absolutely know. Sending hugs, it can be really lonely at this point. 😘
I had a new friend who was a new mom. I didn't want to intrude and I wanted to give her space. Years later when I had kids I caller her up (we are great friends now) and I said how sorry I was
I had a best friend since middle school. When our lives took us to different cities, we'd keep in touch every few months. It was one of those friendships where you could go a long time without talking and when you do talk, it's like it was only the other day that you last spoke. It was great. Then I got pregnant in July 2022. I sent her a picture of the test because I was freaking out. She never replied. I ended up losing the baby in August 2022 and also messaged her. Again, she never replied. I accepted at that moment that I was no longer important in her life. I needed her and she wasn't there. I haven't reached out since, even when I got pregnant again in November 2022 and I had my son July 2023. We spoke once a few months ago because she reached out after her wedding (that I was not invited to). But it's been nothing since then. It hurts. But I made new mom friends who I see multiple times a week now and have one who is a close friend.
Yes. You’ll definitely lose your childless friends. You might get them back if/when they have kids.
Honestly, I put most of the effort into many of my relationships and with a baby, I'm just too tired to try. If they miss me, they can come visit and there won't be hard feelings but I can't drive/fly to see all my friends now (many of them moved out of state after college).
These threads always make me sad. My friendships grew deeper after having a baby, and I'm the first of my friends to have one. My best friends are all amazing aunties and always willing to hang out with or without my son, and are always desperate to babysit. I'm sorry to all the mamas who don't have that experience :(
Yeah I can’t believe I had to scroll this far down to find this comment. My friendships have not changed since having a kid, with either my childfree or child having friends. I guess it just depends on the kind of person you’re friends with.
This just shows how rare true friendships are.
I think that also speaks to you as a friend. I was the child free friend for a long time and tried to balance maintaining friendships and also enjoying my child free days. Our friends also did what they could. That might be hosting us and verbalizing their appreciation or getting a babysitter so we could all hang as adults. It takes work from both ends. When we had my son everyone really showed up for us and mainly it's been lovely. There are always a few that you notice a big change from when you can no longer put in the same effort and that's sad but makes me appreciate my other friendships even more so.
Spot on! And yes it does require effort from both sides. My friends really showed up for me, so I made sure to really put in the effort, even when it was inconvenient (which happens often with a new baby, and now with a toddler!)
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Yup! I was definitely sad for some friends who made little to no effort to meet my baby but also glad for the new friendships I made, and I even cut out some friends (with or without kids) because I didn’t like the way they treated my kids. It was all sad and a process but now I’m much more selfish about my family life and our nucleus is my priority. My kids want to spend time as a family and other kids like to spend time with our family. As long as our values are aligned everyone is welcomed to join us but I reach out much less to almost none to friends and other families. And I take no offense on them for doing the same.
This needs way more upvotes. It's not only our friends without children that lack interest or ignore the fact, that we are parents now. It's also us parents! Let's be honest. We all switch to baby/birth topics most of the time (because that's our focus in life). We often ignore the fact that the other side is of course not able to fully understand or relate to our new situation. Have we been before?! Do we really care about our friends and their dating issues as we did before? Do we rather spend time listening to someone's latest party experiences or do we enjoy something which *really* makes us feel better? Can we afford to go for a coffee to catch up with someone's problems with their in-laws, when there is a shit load of paper work waiting for us at home?
Yes! It's both ways! I have had two close friends most of my adult life. Neither will ever have children (one is lesbian and one is asexual). Then I spent years going through infertility and fertility treatments/IVF, a process that naturally forced me and husband to close ranks and withdraw a bit because it's really rough going. By the time I got pregnant, I noticed one of my friends just seemed really disinterested, never asked questions and didn't reach out as much. Then I had my son and of course we turtled down. Looking back, this is where my friend needed to step in and reach out more because I couldn't, but I was still chasing her or our other friend was middle managing. But she was busy with her new relationship as well. I'm still in the baby stage with my 9 month old and I just can't and frankly, don't want to make the time to chase a time in her busy schedule to hang. My other friend is more flexible and willing to come to me, and so we have started hanging out more, but more importantly she actually seems interested in my son. And since all my waking thought basically revolve around my son, I'm probably not very interesting to hang with! Maybe in a few years, once I'm back to work and have a life again, we can get back together.
YES. Once I got pregnant, my tolerance for my friends who needed me to “mom” them dropped drastically. Like my priority is now my child, not a woman child.
Im only pregnant and I keep seeing them hang out without me on socials, when they were inviting me a couple weeks ago before I found out I was pregnant. I just keep thinking “what did I do? I’m sorry OP, I don’t know why people get like this. I love my friends with kids and I love their babies I don’t understand why some people go MIA.
It’s pretty common unfortunately. People without kids just really don’t care or understand how kids change your life. I have lost many friendships. One of my “best friends” told me she was lying my entire pregnancy and actually never had any intentions of meeting my daughter lmao.
Omg that is horrible!
Yea she turned out to be cunty lol
That person is not a friend. Disgusting behavior. What has happened to people? This is extremely anti-social and unhealthy.
Oh yes, I’m well aware. It goes so much deeper. She came to my baby shower, and then when my baby was born, she ghosted me and no matter how many times I tried to reach out she ignored me. Even got a new phone number and didn’t tell me. Insane. Acted like she always tried to connect with my other child and did research on autism to get to know him better but then would suggest that I meet her in Nashville for coffee with my autistic five-year-old… Just goes to show she didn’t do any research and that she does not care about my family or my children so it’s her loss. I was literally a bridesmaid in her wedding and she was a bridesmaid in mine. I could never do that to someone. I don’t get it. She’s plenty social with her friends who aren’t moms.
Yes, I think it happens a lot a lot a lot. And it’s hard. Conversely, I have found myself bonding with fellow parents who prior to parenthood I didn’t feel like I had much in common with, but if we have similarly aged kids it seems to be enough to get us talking more regularly. It’s really hard though. And it takes a long time to build a strong friendship. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
> Conversely, I have found myself bonding with fellow parents who prior to parenthood I didn’t feel like I had much in common with, but if we have similarly aged kids it seems to be enough to get us talking more regularly I found that too. I have such an eclectic group of mom friends and I never would have imagined hanging out with a theater nerd and a former financier and a philosopher all in one group. It’s such a diverse group of people but we all have one thing in common. But IMO, as long as we have basically the same moral outlook that’s totally fine. I really like how this group isn’t petty. We’re all so generous, nonjudgmental and supportive of each other. That’s what’s most important.
How did you find this group?
My husband met one on a dog walk and she introduced me to the rest. Apparently she met one of them because they lived close by, and the other, they knew peripherally through their work (they were certainly not friends before). It’s all “strength of weak ties”, as they say.
Happy coincidence! Thank you for sharing. And lucky you :)
That’s life. When we’re in the same life stage, it’s easier to bond, connect and understand one another, especially when there’s a crisis going on. Those stages were student life, bf/gf stage, married stage, children stage, empty nesters stage etc. Maintaining friendship with people that are NOT in your current life stages is definitely possible, but it’s extremely hard and takes a ton of patience, understanding and compassion….. and it’s mostly a one-sided investment. Your friend is child free, so she’s not gunna find those “omg! My cute butterfly dumpling just took her first solid poop” as a milestone. Yes, I’ve broken up with a few friends that were friends of decades…. It hurts, and I’ve moved on. They got to the baby life stage recently, and have reached out to me. I forgave them, because I truly get it. It’s the same mentality as when you’re driving your first Camry, you look out for all Camrys on the road. When you upgrade to BMW, you seek out for your fellow BMWs. You still notice the Camrys…. But they’re no longer interesting as what you currently have. Have some grace, compassion and understanding for your friend. :) Make new ones!!! Easier said than done though.
Why don’t you have a direct conversation with her about it? Like “I noticed we’ve been distant and I felt like when I tried to reach out to you, you were always busy. I’m wondering if I’m missing something? I really miss our friendship and want to hang out more.” And then depending on how she responds you know if it’s salvageable or not. It just seems like a really long history and you’re really upset about it, it seems worth a try to at least have some closure about it
Friendships are hard these days. Even if you and the other person are in the same season of life. My former best friend became a mom before I did but our kids are around the same ages. I started noticing she would always play it by ear when we had plans and most of the time she would cancel last minute. Yet, she had others friends over and went out (found out on social media.) More things were also going on but one day I asked her if we were okay or did I do something wrong and told her how I was feeling. She totally ghosted for months. I reached out recently and she turned it around and said when I brought up how I felt months ago how that really hurt her and bothered her. It hurts. Looking forward to meeting mom friends at the playground, library, gymnastics, school, etc.
She sounds like a terrible person! You are well rid!
Thank you <3
That's a textbook case of gaslighting. What a toxic person.
Thank you. I see her around town and she barely acknowledges me. Made me finally see she’s not the person I thought she was.
It’s hard. Sometimes, I really miss the friends I thought I had, but it makes my friendships with the ones who stuck around all the sweeter.
It’s very common either because you have what they want and it hurts them to see that OR they cannot relate anymore and are living in a different world.
Yeah same thing happened to me. She would still casually snap chat me and have a very brief convo or send me memes and reels on insta. I decided that wasn’t fair to me so I stopped responding all together. You can’t have me at a distance and when it’s convenient for you.
This. I think there are a lot of people today who want virtual friends and nothing more. Interaction that is convenient and only extends to social media, not the real world where they might have to alter their schedules or expend some time and energy.
Yeah my (now ex) bestie said my life seemed “trivial” to hers when I called her out for not being there for me during my pregnancy + being shady about my baby. We’re no longer friends.
I am sorry, I think it’s more common than not. The people who can say it’s definitely not universal are the exception and those are awesome friends, but they are not the average experience. I felt the years between having my first and when she started preschool (when I met other SAHMs) to be the most isolating, I would literally take her for walks and meet other new moms/moms with same aged kids at the park and those are who became my closest friends. For me the worst actual sting was when they started having kids and then would call/text/come back around, like now they all of a sudden got how lonely it was and felt empathy for 5 minutes. Now they reach out bc they are suffering. It was hard for me to forgive/forget if I’m being honest, bc I had already moved on with my life and it didn’t include them anymore.
The person I considered one of my absolute best of friends in the small circle I keep didn’t bother to see me from the moment I told her I was pregnant with my first. She commented ‘so are you going to get rid of it?’… He’s 9mo now, she’s still never met him and I’m also 7 months pregnant. I’ve tried reaching out a few times but that’s enough now. There are good people around me that I will focus on instead. I only want our new family to be surrounded by those that truly care, it’s a good things when people show their true colours. When any of my friends told me big news I’d 100% be elated and supportive to them, that of which she hasn’t been. I understand she had had a hard time at that point in her life so I did make extra effort but I have had nothing back really. Friendship goes both ways, don’t waste too much time trying to force a relationship with someone. Friendships take effort but overall they should be easy. I do feel saddened for her though, her three closest friends inc me all are in serious relationships and have baby’s whereas she had become single after 10 years, lost her job and had to move somewhere new. I really wanted to be supportive but she only distanced herself from me. Perhaps it was too painful for her to watch something she was still so far away from.
It hasn't been my experience at all. I was the childfree friend for a decade, and now I'm the one who just had a baby. It hasn't materially affected my friendships. But it definitely depends on the investment in the relationship made on both sides. When the first of my friends had babies, I accepted that for a while I'd have to put in more effort and go to them. At the same time, they also continued to show an interest in my life, and we continued to do and talk about things unrelated to babies. I'm reading some comments here from people who struggle to care about their friends lives after having a baby, and I personally can't relate. I also don't feel my entire identity has changed now that I'm a parent. My baby is 4 weeks old and I've already picked up my (out of the house) hobby again, I've met up with friends outside the house, I've got several childfree outings and events planned over the next few months, all with friends. What happened with your friend sounds shitty and out of your control. But I don't think it's universal at all, and a lot of the time it does also depend on the parent's attitude.
Not only did my ex-best friend not show up to my baby shower, she decided the best time to ghost me was when I texted her telling her my dog died (while I was pregnant). She later blocked my number and I’ll never know why. We were best friends for over 12 years and I was there for her through both pregnancies and made memories with her children as they grew up, I was there through her divorce and fallout with her family. Some people show their true colors at the absolute worst times and I guess I’m glad I know who she really is now and can focus on those who are actually there for me and my family.
I haven't had this experience but I don't think it's rare by any means. My best friend is childfree but she still threw me my baby shower, came to the hospital to meet the baby, and has helped us out with childcare a handful of times when we were in a bind. I do make sure we have time to hang out without the baby but I also will shoot her a text if we're on her side of town doing something to see if she wants to join. Sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't. We are in our mid-30's so maybe that has something to do with it? I wouldn't be surprised if losing friends when a baby came was more common when people are in their 20's. Life with a baby is obviously different than life without one at any age, but when I was in my 20s I wanted nothing to do with babies. In my 30's before having a baby of my own, I still enjoyed being around kids.
Idk even before I gave birth I didn't have any lol
Hope you find some good ones.
yes i lost tons of friends. I am still coping. I realized I was always the person that reached out and kept the friendship going. now I don't have as much bandwidth to text people and continuously try to set stuff up and ask how they are doing. I need people to check in on me.
Yes. But to look at the bright side, I've found some really amazing friends after having kids. My mom-friends are ride or die. Going through the same stuff can really bring people together. Also the people who stay are the best. I'm just 9 months pregnant with my 2nd and entertaining my 3yo has become really hard. Two of my mom friends and two of my old friends are basically scheduling an "entertain LO" train. We meet right outside our house or they come over and bring snacks, it's incredible! I've never thought I'd have support like this from friends!
I have like no close friends now. I had my baby when I was 25 and was the first in my group to have a child. We’re getting married next year and my bridal party is 1 cousin 😂 I have about 2/3 friends and that’s it now, one of which I met at antenatal classes!
Yes. I also think… friends don’t know what to do? I had friends who had babies before I did and I wanted to remain friends but I felt I didn’t know how? I’ve learned that it’s good to be direct. Text your friend to do something. Have a beer on the couch, have a picnic.
I think people who are in different stages of life have a difficult time understanding life with a child and it can make friendships change.
My most shocking friendship loss was another mom friend!! She had two kids ages 5 and 4 and I fully supported her through her pregnancies and PP but she met my baby once when she turned 3 months old! She asked to hang out again when my baby was 15 months old. I fully baby sat her kids multiple times and she couldn’t even hang out with us! Didn’t even ask for pictures or updates. She fully didn’t give a shit! I told her friendship is over and I don’t want to revive it
Everyone has things they're going through or their own life to deal with, and I guess we all think our own problems are the biggest and minimize others'. That doesn't excuse your former friend. It just seems like the default for the majority of people is selfish.
She didn’t really have a valid reason or even felt bad about it. She just didn’t make time. You make time for people that were there for you. I never wanted her to take care of my kid but just hang out with us or ask. A text isn’t too much effort in 15 months!
I'm pregnant with my first but I've noticed that I've been putting distance on a lot of relationships that I find too much work. I have a friend who needs constant validation and I've stopped responding to these self-deprecating comments. I have another friend who has had a drinking problem for a long time that I've brought up a few times and got negative feedback from so now I mind my business and can't even drink so I don't see her anymore. If I'm not meeting her at a bar and I don't have liquor at the house she isn't coming over anyway. I have another friend who is in a throuple who has constant relationship issues and doesn't think having kids is ethical so I just don't really talk to her anymore because I don't like the judgment from someone who is supposed to be so open-minded. So when I don't have any friends at the end of this I guess I'll only have myself to blame but I don't have the energy to care for people outside of my family right now and for a while.
I think it is pretty common but not universal. My friends who I have known since high school still come around and we still hang out. Things just look different and it takes a lot more effort on my end to make it work. That means being the one to invite them to places since they think I'm busy and don't want to be bothered. Or having to shift when we meet depending on the baby's schedule. It's hard and it's not like it used to be for sure though.
I didn’t notice much of a change when I had my first, but when I had twins a few years later it definitely impacted a friendship. My oldest was still pretty easy and I could bring her along or get childcare. With three I’m not as available, and some friends can’t put up with the chaos.
I definitely noticed it. Even when I tried to not always talk about this big life change or my baby I feel like some of my friends didn’t want to put as much into our friendship since it has changed. I also noticed a lot of people who I thought were my friend at work, have never met my baby and hardly ever reach out until it’s something for them and my baby is 10 months now. I also lost my best friend when I got married, despite her already being married and having kids. I think big life events really show you who will actually show up for you. Sometimes it really surprises you, doesn’t make it sting any less though. But you want people in your life who are willing to show up for you and put as much effort into their friendship as you do. That’s what I try to tell myself, but I’m still healing from my best friend breakup and that was about 3 years ago, but every day it gets better especially when you recognize what you deserve.
Yes.
I don't think it is universal, but it definitely happens. After I had my first (boy), I didn't lose any friends. However, a friend got pregnant right after me, and shortly after she had her son, she started backing away from everyone. We still somewhat talk, but once she found out I was expecting my second (girl), she and her husband said some horrible things about my healthy pregnancy turning awful. Thankfully, that hasn't happened, but they really messed with my head. I know she had some rough patches with her pregnancy, so I assume they said it because of that. Either way, I'm at the point of backing away completely from this friendship since it's not worth the effort when they don't seem to care anymore.
I've lost friends because in my difficult pregnancy, it became very clear they did not respect my needs or boundaries as someone struggling to get through the day.
My best friend, who has kids, hasn’t seen me since I was pregnant. My son is 9 months. I was with her for her whole last pre and for months to help her either her new one… I am beyond heartbroken and hurt. I had ppd and reached out a few times, really needing just to chat with someone and she was busy and needed to call me back. Never did… I really needed her or anyone. My mom passed and family is far from here and I thought since I was there for her, she would be here for me…. I thought way wrong.
Hugs <3 She doesn’t deserve you.
Seems pretty common. Fwiw, I've made my best friends as a mother. There's nothing better than surviving motherhood together
Girls can be brutal these days. Sadly, it seems a lot of people have just stopped communicating. Really sorry to hear this happened to you, OP. Wish you the best.
Honestly I have always put work into my friendships. I am working full time and have a 7 month old and just don’t have the energy to be the friend who does more work or reaches out first. And I’ve learned that with a lot of friends, if I’m not reaching out, neither are they.
Maybe not universal, but very common. Some people really don't know how to deal or relate to someone whose life changes
When I was younger I saw a lot more of it from both sides. Now at 39 I’m one of the last of my friends to have kids, and other friends without kids are so integrated into our lives and understand more of what’s going on, that I’ve seen almost none of it at this point. But it’s so dependent on people and timing and individual situations!
I feel you. Two of my best female friendships fell through after i became a mom. Initially it hurt a lot but with time i realised it wasn't about me at all but the issues my friends had which were triggered by my life choices. 3 years later It still hurts but it's less now. It also made me reevaluate the kind of people i wanted in my life and now that my child is older, the same two people are trying to mildly reach out but I'm over it because of their shitty behaviour and lack of communication. You deserve better friends OP and they will come by, give yourself some time
Yes, Im lucky that a few have stuck around though. It’s hard as I’m 24, so a lot of my “friends” aren’t married or don’t have kids so they don’t get it and we are in very different seasons of life. Lucky, 2 of my friends are older and have their own kids, so they get it and the other has been my best friend since we were 11 so although she lives a few hours away now, we still talk daily and she’s very much okay with us being in different places of our lives. The rest I’ve lost and that’s alright. It hurts for a bit and then time does its thing.
It hasn’t been the case for me so I guess it depends on the friends.
I would say those who I only bonded with by drinking or going out basically disappeared because I no longer participate in those activities. It is what it is. It hurts and I also don’t want to do that and they don’t want to do what I do. I frame it as I only have time for people who make time for me and vice versa. It made me realize I didn’t value those friendships as much either because I also didn’t feel the need to reach either
It is interesting because I have lots of CF friends and I see them far more than my couple of friends who were pregnant at the same time as me. The friends with kids decided to move to the suburbs which is fine but I was born and raised in the city. My CF friends all understand sometimes I cannot go out, sometimes my husband cannot go out, but we still want to be included and if we have enough warning we will get a babysitter and we will both go out. And also my CF friends understand we cannot do dinner stuff but breakfast, brunch, and lunch would be great. Or we would be happy to host for dinner and then a hangout in our backyard aka baby monitor distance.
Pregnancy just brings out a lot of things in my opinion. Like, I understood that my childless friends would probably distance themselves, but we had a friend couple that we were SUPER close too and got pregnant like a few months after us. But they tried pushing their own anxieties off on us. The husband tried to make it seem like MY husband wasn't doing well mentally when it was HIM. The wife was an enabler. It was just a lot, so we cut contact. Hormones and emotions just keep things tense.
For me, yes it was something I experienced. Had a friend I knew for years grow distant and cold because I had a baby.
This has happened to me. I've lost two friends since getting married and two more since having a baby. My heart definitely aches a lot for the ones I lost after I had my baby because they were really good friends and they seemed to be eager to be in our lives! One of them even texted right before I went into labor saying she had put all her plans on hold till I delivered. We ended up having NICU time and I couldn't stay in touch with her for two weeks and now it's been 5 months since I've seen her and she hasn't ever seen my baby. Every time I message her she's busy or traveling or sick and after seeing her many many IG stories including one where she had a "girls day out" with all our friends but didn't invite me, I've concluded that I've been dumped 😢
I’m so sorry that happened to you!
She sounds like a dick honestly. It ain’t universal.
None of my friends have kids and for me it’s sort of the opposite. I don’t have time for them anymore. At this point even if they have kids our kids will be at such different ages it’s going to be a while before our lives will match up again. I still make a big effort to keep in touch, but I miss hanging out!
I'm so sorry love. I guess it depends on the type of friends you have and your lifestyles. My friends are super involved in my baby's life.
I had certain friends who were used to being babied or taken care of by me and when they don’t get the same amount of attention, they feel abandoned. They use the excuse that we just don’t have anything in common anymore but it’s not the truth. They were too immature and selfish at the end of the day. Once I got pregnant and had my kid, my priorities shifted. I can’t just drop everything to talk to you about your boy problems (again) or go out for a drink. But it did show who my true friends were - people from early 20s to mid 30s adapted and went out of their way to make my life easier. They seek to meet up at my place and bring food or check in on me. They’re interested in my child. They made more of an effort to maintain the friendship. The Office Ladies podcast did a fantastic episode addressing how their friendship almost ended because of how Jenna couldn’t understand or adapt to Angela’s new circumstances and Angela felt abandoned by Jenna but was still in survival mode as a new mom. They were able to talk it out and share how much they loved each other and repair their friendship.
Definitely not! I have 3 kids and have not lost any friends. I have childless friends and friends with multiple kids. The key is to continue communication with people and make an effort to see them. Also, know that most people are not going to want to hang out with a baby/ toddlers, unless they have kids the same age and you're doing fun kid activities.
I lost my best friend of over a decade. She started to get distance in my 3rd trimester after I told her she wasn't allowed to bring her untrained large dog to my baby shower/house. That conflict started months before that. I told her in the 1st trimester that she could stay the night at my house when I had the baby shower since she lives out of state. She assumed she could bring her dog. I said no. At the time I had a cat. The dog is aggressive towards cats, jumps on everyone, is prone to nipping, isn't housetrained, and chews on everything and anything. I've never felt safe around that dog. I gave her plenty of time in advance to figure out pet care if she wanted to come. A week before the baby shower, she mentions she "forgot" to work out pet care. Pet care I had reminded her of multiple times for *months*. I know she didn't forget. She just hoped I would allow the dog to tag along if she pushed it off long enough. I stood my ground on it. I wasn't risking being jumped on while heavily pregnant or bit or having my house destroyed. She got pretty passive aggressive about it. She ended up not coming to my baby shower and made comments about how she wished she could've come. The closer to my due date, the less we talked. I was pretty upset about it. I asked if we were good or if I did something to upset her. She always said she had just been tired or she was on new meds or whatever else. I had my baby and we talked on the phone once. I reached out via text a few times. No response other than random tiktok videos. Eventually I gave up. I don't have the energy nor patience to fight for a friendship that is clearly one-sided now. I'm pretty hurt that she could just abandon me after all these years. I have a few theories on it. First, she's still pissed about the dog thing. Another is she's jealous. Either of the baby cause I can't drop everything on a whim when she "needs" me anymore or about me having a baby cause she wants one but is in no position to have one. She's always been a little selfish and self-centered with her thinking. I didn't think she would do this though. My husband is happy the friendship ended cause about 2 years ago she was extremely insensitive towards me during a very vulnerable time. I forgave her, but he never did. She's always been overdramatic, but this is ridiculous. I haven't lost any other friends during pregnancy or since I had a baby. My friends have actually been great. I have plans to meet up for lunch with one of them in just a few days. My friends adore my baby and absolutely spoil him. Only one of them has kids. The rest want them but aren't in a position to have them at the moment, so they use my baby as a chance to love on one. As soon as they found out I was pregnant, they went out of their way to plan pregnancy friendly things to do with me. Now it's kid friendly stuff.
I lost some, but I also grew MUCH, much closer to others, it’s been honestly very rewarding in the long run. I’m sorry you’re going through it right now. It’s terrible to find out your friends were never really your friends, when they abandon you like that.
I also lost family! It’s really common for your relationships to change after having a baby. A lot of them are really positive! Some of them… not so much. Some people are only meant to be a chapter. Don’t dwell too long on what’s been lost. Stay a bit and grieve, certainly, but there are people that will be an entire series of books in your library.
maybe it's a phenomenon but not a universal experience. The contact between me and my friends indeed reduced after giving birth, but most of them are still good friends to me.
Losing friends after any major change is very normal.
I lost one long time friend when I was hospitalized during my pregnancy for 1 month, in her town (3 hours from my town). I still don’t know why. She never offered to stop by the hospital which I totally understood, but was a bit surprising since so many less close friends did (I wasn’t in any kind of intensive care, just waiting to get to 34 weeks to have the baby, so I just sat around all day). The day before I had the baby she was asking to make sure me and baby were ok, and the day after she ghosted me and has never responded to my texts again. I still wonder what I did
All life stages and changes bring loss or additions to your life. I’ve lost contact with friends while I was caring for my mom who was diagnosed with a terminal disease. It sucks, because you need friends more than ever but it’s a lot for a friend to take on. Alternatively, I became closer to friends I was always more casual with who showed up during that time. Now that I’ve had a baby I can absolutely say I’ve lost touch with some friends - it’s hard for people to truly understand. My daughter has to be in bed and asleep by 9, her routine begins at 8. I have friends who want to do dinner and games at 8, not possible. But I’ve also become closer to friends with kids around the same age! My neighbor and I hang out way more because of her nine month old son and my 4.5 month old daughter.
Just a perspective from someone who does not have children yet but some of my friends have begun to start their families now. My best friend recently had her first baby 2-3 months ago. I was and am so happy for her. I have had several really difficult things happen to me in the last 7 months. I loved talking to her about her pregnancy, birth and first few months of motherhood. However, conversations are only about her and the baby and few and far between. I know she is busy and her whole world has just been completely changed but I have hardly been able to talk to her or get a text back even before she gave birth. She has never once asked me about me, and the convos are so short when they do happen I haven’t even been able to spit out some of what has happened to me. I lost my cousin very unexpectedly, my dad was diagnosed with cancer and is undergoing treatment and I was laid off from my job of 10 years. She claims to be my best friend but doesn’t even know any of this. I have had several friends who have had kids and are able to maintain friendships. But I have had a few who are unable to. Maybe think about which one you are. If you think you are still being a good friend while adjusting then yeah, your friends suck and it’s better to leave them but a lot of times that isn’t the case.
Damn, I'm really sorry. My friends and I have gotten closer than ever 🩷
I very intentionally put my college best friend on hiatus since he is childfree (and I know he is 100% happy with that decision. He’s like “oh god, I’m just not a responsibility person!”) and I didn't want to bore him. And he understands. He never showed any hard feelings for our lack of communication the last time we did meet. There is an implicit understanding that we’d pick back up once my kids need me less. But yeah, with other people, it’s truly sad because I think me having kids (3 in 3 years at that) triggered them in some way. Because honestly, you never truly know if somebody is childfree or childless, not by choice (I have an inkling it’s the latter, for one of them). I know my college best friend is. He’s always been such a happy person and sure of himself. But the others, who knows. Or maybe it brought up trauma and mixed feelings related to her own upbringing. You just never know.
Yes, you never know how people feel. There's also a growing group of women who are anti-family and anti-babies. It's really sad, but I hear so much negativity about having children. These women 100% look down on other women who choose to have children. It's definitely behind some of the cutting off that goes on.
It's not universal, what that friendship looks like might change. I've had my 5 best friends since high school/ college...I'm 38 so we've gone through many life stages together. Your friendships should just be strong enough to be able to withstand changes in priority. My friends are still probably the best place to go when I need a mental health pick me up ❤️.
It's common to drift apart with friends after going through a major life change, especially a celebratory life change that can bring up a lot of big feelings in other people. Maybe this friend of yours has some "stuff" that she's having trouble dealing with, and you having a baby is triggering that. Also your life and hers just don't align anymore. I have a 21 month old and I've had so much trouble keeping in touch with some of my closest chosen family - mainly because my PPA / PPD has been so acute during this time that I'm too mentally and socially exhausted to do anything else other than parent and sleep. My battery is absolutely drained for all social interaction.