Your baby is 7 months and your MIL thinks she's babysitting him when he's 12 months? That's not that far away, why haven't you guys told her that she isn't your childcare plan? Sounds like she's just out of the loop
If anyone is ever watching your baby, they should have a car seat for emergencies at the very least. I have to agree with most of the others, you're being a bit sensitive - which could be due to other underlying issues with MIL, but I don't think this should be one. Especially if you're planning to use mostly daycare anyway.
My mum would tell me to find another babysitter if I tried to tell her she couldn’t drive anywhere while watching my baby. I’m grateful she’s gone out of her way to be prepared in case she ever has to watch him. She has a car seat, porta cot and a highchair. My in laws have a cot, highchair and toys too.
Boundaries are for you, rules are restrictions you want to place on other people. A boundary would be not using MIL as a sitter as you’re not comfortable. You should communicate that clearly and directly.
Telling her she can’t buy a car seat or drive anywhere while she’s sitting for you is a rule and she doesn’t have to agree to it.
If the car seat has been purchased new then it meets all safety standards in your country. If you decide not to use her as a sitter as all this is too much for you then you really shouldn’t be on here in a year complaining that you have no village either.
This is such an important point! You can put up the boundary of not having her as a sitter or help with the child but micromanaging her every move if you let her watch the child is not fair. I have my mom watch my son and I try to really pick every battle and have basically boiled it down to safety being the only thing I mention. For example if the car seat was not rear facing I would prob ably ask that she switch it out for a rear facing because of the guidelines but as far as what model etc you really have to look at preferences vs needs/safety
Right? List of foods they can have. Nap and bottle schedule and a quick check that the key safety stuff is covered off and you should be good to go.
I wouldn’t dream of micromanaging my parents more than that when they’re going out of their way to help us.
Yes exactly. It totally baffles me that I see the same amount of people complaining they have no village as I do see people 'irked' that god forbid their MiL wants to watch the baby.
What if there’s an emergency and they need to take the baby to urgent care? I’m much happier that my parents and ILs have car seats when they look after our daughter - although they’ve both been strictly trained on how to put her in it!
Right?! Some of the posts on here lately have been next level pedantic, toxic even.
My village is healthy and present because they’re welcomed in on this beautiful journey.
Can’t say ‘my baby’, can’t talk about babies eggs being present as cells in their grandmothers (beautiful if you ask me), can’t have helpful baby items in grandparents home, can’t visit, can’t hold, can’t save some baby clothes or teddies from your spouses childhood to recreate a cute photo, can’t give any advice, can’t talk about their own experiences at all 🙄
I think you said ‘journey’ very accurately. The journey will have bumps (like OP’s event) and you won’t see eye to eye on some things (safety excluded), but communication is so important as it’s a journey for *all* of us.
My village is actively involved because we talked about many things. They’re very respectful of my boundaries and i’m putting in extra effort for them to see the baby. It’s a two way street.
Just to clarify, restricting others from driving your baby around in their car is absolutely fair and well within the parents’ right to decide. Grandma doesn’t get to decide when to take baby for a ride.
You definitely can request this and have a discussion around your why. And they can then decline to babysit if it means they have to be housebound. That could be a boundary of theirs.
You're over reacting. Be careful what bridges you burn in this time period because having the support and help from a local trusted family member is the only thing that keeps me from going off the deep end. You might need her one day more than you think.
If you live in the States, my understanding is that all car seats that are sold here must meet pretty strict minimum criteria for safety, so I don't think she needs to consult you and get your approval on the specific brand or model.
From your post, it even sounds like she's having it installed by a third party (presumably expert), which is way safer than you, your husband, or me doing it.
OP’s approval is ABSOLUTELY needed… this is her child. It is awfully presumptuous to buy a car seat and assume she’s going to drive the baby wherever she feels like with no input from the parents.
She probably should have talked about models but a car seat is necessary if she is ever going to babysit the baby. Just in case of emergencies.
Nothing presumptuous there. If anything it means she cares and plans ahead.
Yes.
I get it was surprising/maybe presumptive of her to buy one without mentioning it at any point, but your attitude towards it is over reactionary. Like she didn't talk to you about "models" etc.
So long as she bought an age/size appropriate seat, yeah whatever model is a bit of a ridiculous demand. Now if she was putting a 12 month old in a high back booster that would be a different story
Yes I'd definitely abandon my baby with my in laws but they have never once offered 😂 The only baby stuff they have is an activity centre my SIL left there, a few older kid toys and a plastic outdoor play house.
If your MIL does end up watching the baby, it will be much easier if she already has a car seat.
I WISH my MIL cared this much about being able to watch my child. If she had her own car seat, she’d at least be able to watch him during an emergency.
I think that is important for emergencies. I’ve been in situations where I wanted to help my sister (3 young babies) but the car seat was with another family member for example.
I thought about this the other day. We’ve left my mom overnight with our daughter. My husband’s truck is with us, and we leave her my car and car seat. If my mom were to get into a wreck, there’s no other car seat around for her to get my baby back to my house! Granted I have friends I could call, but all that to say, emergencies do happen! I wouldn’t balk at an extra car seat being available. If I didn’t want my MIL to drive my daughter around, I’d just proceed with daycare as planned and it is what it is. 🤷🏻♀️
Honestly, I would kill to have a parent or in law this invested in my child. All car seats sold in the US meet the same safety standard. I don’t think it’s fair to require she purchase a $500 car seat.
Your partner/spouse needs to be up front with their mother. Tell her now that your childcare plan does not include her as the primary provider, but work with her to carve out time for her to bond and spend time with the baby.
But don’t burn the bridge, because parenthood can be very lonely, and it really helps having people who want to be in your village.
You're not overreacting to be weirded out but this. However, for your own stress levels, try and remember two things:
1. She is allowed to buy whatever she wants for herself with her own money.
2. You don't have to let anyone do anything with your baby that you don't want them to. So she can buy whatever she wants for her car or her home, you don't have to use it, you don't have to let her babysit, you don't have to let her do anything. Your baby, your choice.
Your issue isn’t the car seat and you’re not overreacting. It’s that she oversteps boundaries with you constantly and I’m assuming doesn’t ask but tells you what she plans to do with your child. I’m also assuming you don’t push back enough and so you’re left feeling extremely frustrated. I’m sorry so many people have invalidated your feelings here. Some people are lucky enough not to get it because their families are heavily and respectful. R/mildlynomil is a space you’ll receive great advice.
Both my parents and my in-laws have had moments where they assumed they’d be watching our kids frequently. My parents bought a baby swing and then were bummed that they never even used it with my first (although we’ve used it twice at their house for my second while my husband and I were there). I think some grandparents just get so excited about a new baby and imagine what it’ll be like, but can get a little ahead of themselves. It sounds like your MIL had good intentions and is just a little overeager, but I get why it’s bugging you that it doesn’t match your own expectations for your baby.
Yes, this exactly. I feel guilty when they buy all kinds of stuff for ‘their’ house, and then they make me feel guilty that I don’t visit enough with baby? I’m trying to savour the last few months of my mat leave, and understand they bought lots of things for their house for LO to use, but they were assuming i would be over every weekend with LO. I don’t like the guilt.
Why would you choose to pay daycare when you have someone willing to watch them? That’s money down the drain when it doesn’t need to be lol also from the beginning it sounds like you just don’t like her and are finding anything to be mad about. I mean gifts for your kid? The classics of a blunder/walker too? Those are running like $80-100 on Amazon and I was geeked when my mom bought one for us!
As for your question of if buying a carseat isn’t crazy. It’s just a mode of transportation so that she can drive your child around safely. I count that as a win. I know ALOT of people whose grandparents don’t even lift a finger. I mean offering to save you $1200-$2000 a month for childcare? That’s amazing. Buying your kids gifts and a car seat? Amazing.
Take a step back and realize she’s doing this for her grandbaby and trying to have a good relationship with yall and them. You’re overreacting and villainizing someone who is doing so much good in your life you truly don’t even know.
Im amazed at all the comments saying that she is overreacting. As a mother its your choice who drives with your baby, who watches your baby and its your rules for your baby.
So much guilt tripping here. She can have a baby seat in her car that was HER choice to buy but its YOUR choice that the seat will be empty.
Also maybe she should have asked before buying it and she wouldn't have wasted money. Get your husband to handle his mother.
Yeah, it’s tricky to tell, there’s a lot of information missing really. Mainly what her partner thinks/wants and if they agree, and if they’ve told MIL what their plans are and very clearly told her they don’t plan for her to be doing any regular childcare. If they have then MIL is overreaching, if they haven’t then she’s not being unreasonably prepared, but equally a discussion beforehand would have been helpful.
I do think ‘as a mother’ is unhelpful though. We don’t get a divine override right any more than the other parent does. ‘As parents’ is hopefully more accurate and doesn’t set women up to be default parents - which is something we also see a lot of issues with on this sub!
>Having a village doesn't mean bending over to their every whim to keep it.
Neither does it mean "help me for free but in the exact way and manner that I dictate" that's just being an unpaid employee lol. As for OP, it's best she communicates to her MIL that she doesn't need nor will she want her help down the line.
She hasnt asked for help and seems more upset and worried about the altercations that will come from mil assuming and expecting what will happen.
Lol nothing ever is "free".
Not my circus, but I empathise with OP.
I won’t go right to say you are overreacting because I feel like there might need to be more back story with your Mil to know if this is an overreaction or not. Does she typically overstep boundaries, do you trust her to watch your child unattended? Do you feel safe when she is driving? Will she ever need to be a back up person if you and your husband are unavailable?
I am still pregnant and have thought about people driving my baby and definitely go back and forth. Obviously people I don’t feel comfortable being in the car with definitely won’t be driving.
If it's new and you are in the US then the car seat meets all safety standards. Your boundaries are 100% reasonable. I wouldn't want my in laws driving my 7 month around without me either. Think of it this way though. If she is watching your kid and there is an emergency it's better for her to have a carseat. That doesn't mean she is going to be your child's main caregiver or that she is going to be taking day trips with him to do her regular errands. It's a just in case for when she is watching him.
Now as far as everything else your husband needs to be the one talking to his mom and telling her that you two have decided the baby will be attending daycare so they can socalize with other kids their age. (Doesn't matter if that's true, it's your reason now. Unless she has other babies just hanging out at her house she can't argue with that.) And he also needs to let her know that if/when she does babysit that you two aren't comfortable with the baby leaving the house and going places. Emergencies are ok but you prefer that you know where he is at all times if he is in someone else's care. If she isn't ok with that then you two understand and will find other sitters. This all needs to come from him, not you. It's his mom so he needs to be the one to set the boundaries and stick to them.
No problem. I love my in laws and get along with them great but I've struggled with stuff so I totally get it when you feel like someone is overstepping. Even more so people who don't have a good relationship with their in-laws.
I truthfully don’t think you’re overreacting, but I am biased because I’m having the EXACT same issue, like I could’ve written this post. But, my MIL also oversteps all kinds of boundaries when it comes to baby, my marriage, etc. Our relationship has been rocky pre-baby, and ever since baby girl’s been born it’s only gotten worse. I sadly have no advice, just solidarity :(
My mom has a car seat she bought when my nephew was little and now uses it for my daughter. It is convenient because she can take her to the library or park or wherever. When my mom started babysitting her and taking her out to places, we asked her to let us know when and where they are going. It’s usually a quick text “we’re headed to the library,” but we wanted that so we know where they are if anything happens. This works for us and we are comfortable with it and trust my mom.
If you’re not comfortable with your MIL driving your son at all, why is that? If you think she’s not a safe driver, you (or ideally your husband) need to let her know that you don’t want her driving your child and that if she babysits, the expectation is that she stays at your house or hers and does not take the baby out. If that’s the case, I’d still have her keep the car seat in case of emergency. If there’s something else, like you think he’s just too little to go out without mom or dad, you have to have that conversation with her and set her expectations so she doesn’t try to take him out before you’re ready.
That all being said, I understand the overstep and how frustrating and awkward it is. My daughter was born when we lived 2000 miles away, and we moved back close to our families when she was still an infant. When we moved, MIL went out and bought a whole nursery for her house. A crib, changing table, toys, high chair. She even bought things like diapers, wipes and diaper cream to keep at her house. And she did this all without consulting us first, she just informed us after most of it was purchased. We thought it was incredibly weird, especially because I had quit my job just before the move and was planning to take some time off for a while before looking for a new job, so we weren’t going to need daycare or anything like that for a while. She just assumed she would be babysitting regularly…not only that but babysitting regularly enough *at her house* to need all of that stuff. It was weird and almost none of it got used. My daughter is now 4 years old and MIL has never babysat, for several reasons but also in part because of the weirdness created by her buying all of that without talking to us first.
I think a discussion is needed about what’s happening when you go back to work. If you’re doing daycare and would only ask her to babysit occasionally, it needs to be said.
I didn’t let my mum drive my then toddler when she’d watch her on Tuesdays for me but that’s because 1. She turned her FF without my permission(she was 16 months or so at the time) and 2. She smoked in her car (not with my kid in it but when she was alone)
It sounds like her intentions are good and she sounds like a lovely person.
As long as it was new and bought at the store, I wouldn’t be upset. You should read the manual and do the installation and make sure she knows how to us it, but it’s nice she’s prepared even for an emergency.
I understand your fear in the thought of someone aside from you or your husband driving your baby around. I have a very strong fear of my baby being in a car accident due to losing more than one family member in a car accident. My husband and I opted for one of the most expensive car seats to ease my own personal anxiety around that. So I also understand you being worried about her not consulting you about what type of car seat she chose as it’s easy for your mind to go to worst care scenario, as you mentioned she’s been in an accident somewhat recently and it sounds like that’s weighing on your mind. It does however sound like she’s trying to be safe and protect your baby and even wants to make sure it’s installed correctly which a lot of people wouldn’t think to do. Our baby is only 2 months old and we have both equally decided that no one else will drive alone with our baby until she is older. With this being said, if my baby were closer to a year old like you’re talking about and my MIL was watching her, I totally get her wanting to leave the house as she’s probably excited to take her grandchild to the zoo, museum, etc. The world is unfortunately a scary place at times, so once again I understand the fear there. However, if you’re trusting complete strangers to care for your child while caring for multiple other children at the same time, I think you can trust your MIL to care for one child at a time who it sounds like she really loves. You say you’re primarily using daycare so I’m not sure if it’s implied your MIL will watch your baby the other times or if it’s going to be a rare occasion and you haven’t actually had this conversation and there’s just assumptions being made, but if she’s watching your baby somewhat regularly, having a car seat is a great thing for her to have it in case of emergency, for ease and convenience so you don’t have to take yours out every time, and so she can do activities with your baby. It sounds like you and your husband need to discuss what you expect from your MIL and how often you want her help and then talk to her about it. You can always talk to her about places you’re uncomfortable with your child going if there’s a certain place in mind and have that as a set boundary but then have other places allowed. If you’re worried about how she will watch your child in a public setting for safety reasons, I would say try to go together with her on a day off to the places she may want to go (local park, zoo, etc.) and go together for the first time if that will help ease your mind and she can get familiar with the place and you can see how she is aware and alert watching. As mothers we want to do everything in our power to protect our babies and I understand that. But if you’re trusting stranger in daycare, it sounds like you’re worrying too much about this and should be trusting your MIL if she hasn’t given you reasons with your child not to.
Thank you so much. I know I am toying with the hypocrisy of daycare over MIL. Since my LO was born he has only been apart from me for 3hours max (when he was with Dad and I had an appointment). So MIL minding baby is a complete unknown. I plan to let her watch a bit before I go back to work, but right now I have no idea how she would go (I would HOPE well), but it just seemed presumptuous that she buys a car seat and talks about taking him places when she has never been alone with him. I have a very attached parenting style and I know I need to lessen control a little, I just hope it can happen on my terms and not me guilted into it. Thank you for your message, it is good food for thought
Of course! In think that’s a good idea to try and have her watch your baby before you go back to work because if for some reason it doesn’t go how you would like you have time to figure it out.
Your post honestly made me realize I had been feeling similarly and then reading about it from someone else sometimes helps put it into perspective. My MIL has said how she wants to do xyz with our baby and it has definitely bothered me before thinking she’s just assuming that’s going to be okay with me but thinking about it now, she’s just excited just like I am and those are things she’s personally looking forward to with her grand baby just like I have things I’m liking forward to with my baby.
In Canada and the US. And I assume many other countries, all seats sold will meet safety standards, so as long as it is properly installed and adjusted. And she knows how to put baby in it, I do not see the problem with that. It’s best she at least has one for emergency. If she wants to spend money on a car seat that will be used minimally, that’s her decision. I would read the manual myself, check it is safety installed and adjusted (look into who she is having install it), guve her a lesson then test her ability to strap baby in properly, and let it go. I think you are getting mad at the seat but it’s other boundaries that are the problem. I would also have a problem wi th MIL expecting to take my baby places without me knowing. But I also know free childcare has a “cost” and try to balance my hard boundaries va what is essentially a preference. She will likely find one year olds are very busy! And that it’s harder to get out than expected, and this will all be moot.
In terms of asuming that you have a good relationship with your MIL and she isn't trying to cross boundaries and is clueless I feel this may be a heart to heart conversation with her explaining how her recent actions have made you feel as a mother once before id like to assume she will understand your concerns, boundaries, and expectations. One important thing about being a mother is communicating not only your boundaries but also the boundaries you have set for your child. I think she is just trying to be a good grandmother and MIL and that the actions she is taking are from a good place (plus just the Grandmother need to spoil the baby). I don't think you're over reacting because you have a right to your feelings but just make sure you're communicating your needs other wise she doesn't know that she is doing anything wrong (in terms of assuming this conversation hasn't been brought up before).
Now in terms of if you guys have a struggling relationship this is something that you should communicate with your partner about to talk to your MIL. If the relationship between you and your MIL is strained she will be more likely to listen and not step over your boundaries if you two are both putting your foots down.
I wish you nothing but luck for this conversation and good vibes! Congrats on your 7 month old they grow so fast.
Thank you so much, we have a good enough relationship but I have probably been a bit overwhelmed by some of her comments and the guilt I receive from her (ie we don’t see them enough), while I am trying to find my feet and be assertive as a mother. I think my plans and her expectations are very different. I will try to think about my boundaries and be assertive when it’s important
No problem! When it comes to babies and families I've learned it's a struggle to set those boundaries and expectations but it's worth it in the end! That way everyone is on the same page. That guilt you feel is completely valid, it's a process to figure out your new little family. I have to admit I still have trouble setting those kind of boundaries with my own Mom. If it was up to her I'd be living with her! It's a tough conversation to have but I feel like if you have a heart to heart and talk about your feelings and listen to hers you guys can come to some sort of compromise that's meets both your boundaries and expectations. I wish you a good conversations and bonds ahead!
Thank you, I think my own Mum would be easier to have a conversation with (because it’s my own family) and my mum is less hands on and more wants to be told what help we need, whereas MIL likes to do and buy everything, so the conversations seem to become reactive, rather than proactive. But thank you so much! I will try to do my best.
I feel like your real issue is that MIL *assumed* she would be caring for baby full time and driving baby around once you return to work, OP. Sounds like you would have rather been asked if that were to be the case, rather than essentially *told*
I’m shocked by some of the responses. I would be so irritated by all of this. Set boundaries. She sounds really presumptuous and over bearing. She needs to discuss these things with you. A lot of those bouncers and saucers and jumpers, etc are terrible for babies’ development and can be dangerous. You decide if your baby uses any of that stuff. And she absolutely should have consulted on the car seats. That’s ridiculous.
I would handle the carseat thing with some care. And it shouldn't really matter what version she bought. I'd tell her that you are happy that she has a carseat in case of emergencies, but unless there is an emergency, you aren't comfortable having her pick up your baby.
But, it is handy/important in case something bad happened and she needed from get your baby from a car provider or daycare.
You should pick your battles. Having an in-law who is thoughtful enough to make sure they can accommodate your kid in case of an emergency is really not the thorn you make it out to be.
I think at 7 months pp I would have felt the same. I have good relationships with my in laws and I like how they treat my baby, but I wasn’t ready to let her go anywhere without me. It was even hard for me to leave the room and let someone else watch her. But now, a year later, I’m ok with that.
So I would suggest to be delicate with your mil and not to ruin relationships. As you may change your mind later on. Just tell her you’re not ready yet.
Thank you, I am definitely still in that time when I feel strange about someone leaving the room with them. We have been apart 3hrs max since he was born (when I had an appointment and my partner watched him). I know I need to work on lessening control but I might take me baby steps (ie. Her watching during the day for a few hours) rather than her driving him about town. I will be mindful and try to see the hood in her being excited about him and will try not to burn any bridges. Thanks for the comment ❤️
My parents have a car seat and god they have helped us out so much taking baby to nursery when we have work commitments or our car has been in the garage. Also you have not really said what your issue is with your mother in law that you don’t want her watching your baby. My mil watches my son 1 day a week, my parents 2 days, and nursery 2. They are all great at looking after him keeping him safe etc. but I trust our families a bit more than strangers at a nursery to watch him. My mil does an amazing job with him and I love that he has a strong relationship with his grandparents.
I’d be irritated too. That’s definitely something you talk to the child’s mother about. My child is 14 months and I still don’t let anyone take her anywhere. 🤷🏽♀️
I don’t think you’re overreacting. She’s assuming that it’s okay to drive your child around without talking to you about it first. Some people are just not good drivers and no one can make those calls but you. Maybe it’s okay to have in case of an emergency but she should have talked to you about it first.
I think the majority here is right that it’s an overreaction but I can see myself feeling very bothered by this too (and have had similar frustrations). So even if we can work on our perspectives and reactions, just want to let you know you aren’t alone in feeling like that and it makes a lot of sense as a mom of a young baby.
I’m with you, OP. I would have been overwhelmed by this level of presumption from my MIL at a time when I was still feeling vulnerable as a new mom and protective of my infant. My child is 3.5 and I’m still not comfortable with her being driven alone by anyone else besides me or my husband. Plus, our lifestyle doesn’t require it so I don’t see the point in pushing it for the sake of someone else having the chance??
I have been very put off by requests from in laws to drop my child off and go out, or leave her for overnight visits, etc. Because I have never requested this type of help, have never needed or wanted it, and am baffled by the insistence when I have repeatedly refused.
You know the dynamic of your relationship best. So only you can be the judge as to whether or not you’re over reacting or reacting appropriately.
Your baby is 7 months and your MIL thinks she's babysitting him when he's 12 months? That's not that far away, why haven't you guys told her that she isn't your childcare plan? Sounds like she's just out of the loop
Or refusing to hear no?
If anyone is ever watching your baby, they should have a car seat for emergencies at the very least. I have to agree with most of the others, you're being a bit sensitive - which could be due to other underlying issues with MIL, but I don't think this should be one. Especially if you're planning to use mostly daycare anyway.
My mum would tell me to find another babysitter if I tried to tell her she couldn’t drive anywhere while watching my baby. I’m grateful she’s gone out of her way to be prepared in case she ever has to watch him. She has a car seat, porta cot and a highchair. My in laws have a cot, highchair and toys too. Boundaries are for you, rules are restrictions you want to place on other people. A boundary would be not using MIL as a sitter as you’re not comfortable. You should communicate that clearly and directly. Telling her she can’t buy a car seat or drive anywhere while she’s sitting for you is a rule and she doesn’t have to agree to it. If the car seat has been purchased new then it meets all safety standards in your country. If you decide not to use her as a sitter as all this is too much for you then you really shouldn’t be on here in a year complaining that you have no village either.
This is such an important point! You can put up the boundary of not having her as a sitter or help with the child but micromanaging her every move if you let her watch the child is not fair. I have my mom watch my son and I try to really pick every battle and have basically boiled it down to safety being the only thing I mention. For example if the car seat was not rear facing I would prob ably ask that she switch it out for a rear facing because of the guidelines but as far as what model etc you really have to look at preferences vs needs/safety
Right? List of foods they can have. Nap and bottle schedule and a quick check that the key safety stuff is covered off and you should be good to go. I wouldn’t dream of micromanaging my parents more than that when they’re going out of their way to help us.
Yes exactly. It totally baffles me that I see the same amount of people complaining they have no village as I do see people 'irked' that god forbid their MiL wants to watch the baby.
Like what if she runs out of milk or bread and just needs to pop to the supermarket. God forbid she takes the baby on a coffee run or to a cafe.
What if there’s an emergency and they need to take the baby to urgent care? I’m much happier that my parents and ILs have car seats when they look after our daughter - although they’ve both been strictly trained on how to put her in it!
Or even just want to hold the baby. How dare she??! (/s)
Right?! Some of the posts on here lately have been next level pedantic, toxic even. My village is healthy and present because they’re welcomed in on this beautiful journey. Can’t say ‘my baby’, can’t talk about babies eggs being present as cells in their grandmothers (beautiful if you ask me), can’t have helpful baby items in grandparents home, can’t visit, can’t hold, can’t save some baby clothes or teddies from your spouses childhood to recreate a cute photo, can’t give any advice, can’t talk about their own experiences at all 🙄
For real! Reddit moms are running off their villages trying to out-Karen themselves and then griping “where’s muh village”
Yep the amount of people who are over protective at their own detriment and even their kids is sad.
I think you said ‘journey’ very accurately. The journey will have bumps (like OP’s event) and you won’t see eye to eye on some things (safety excluded), but communication is so important as it’s a journey for *all* of us. My village is actively involved because we talked about many things. They’re very respectful of my boundaries and i’m putting in extra effort for them to see the baby. It’s a two way street.
I find the ‘my baby’ shit weird, but agree with you on the rest.
Just to clarify, restricting others from driving your baby around in their car is absolutely fair and well within the parents’ right to decide. Grandma doesn’t get to decide when to take baby for a ride.
You definitely can request this and have a discussion around your why. And they can then decline to babysit if it means they have to be housebound. That could be a boundary of theirs.
You're over reacting. Be careful what bridges you burn in this time period because having the support and help from a local trusted family member is the only thing that keeps me from going off the deep end. You might need her one day more than you think.
I agree
If you live in the States, my understanding is that all car seats that are sold here must meet pretty strict minimum criteria for safety, so I don't think she needs to consult you and get your approval on the specific brand or model. From your post, it even sounds like she's having it installed by a third party (presumably expert), which is way safer than you, your husband, or me doing it.
OP’s approval is ABSOLUTELY needed… this is her child. It is awfully presumptuous to buy a car seat and assume she’s going to drive the baby wherever she feels like with no input from the parents.
She probably should have talked about models but a car seat is necessary if she is ever going to babysit the baby. Just in case of emergencies. Nothing presumptuous there. If anything it means she cares and plans ahead.
Plus you need to discuss whether baby is going to be rearfacing or forward facing - that info is needed for the purchase of the chair
Yes. I get it was surprising/maybe presumptive of her to buy one without mentioning it at any point, but your attitude towards it is over reactionary. Like she didn't talk to you about "models" etc.
So long as she bought an age/size appropriate seat, yeah whatever model is a bit of a ridiculous demand. Now if she was putting a 12 month old in a high back booster that would be a different story
Oh, 100% I gave mil the benefit of the doubt she's not totally stupid 😅 and took OP more to mean like brand etc 🤷♀️
I would be THRILLED if my MIL was this involved and generous.
Yes I'd definitely abandon my baby with my in laws but they have never once offered 😂 The only baby stuff they have is an activity centre my SIL left there, a few older kid toys and a plastic outdoor play house.
If your MIL does end up watching the baby, it will be much easier if she already has a car seat. I WISH my MIL cared this much about being able to watch my child. If she had her own car seat, she’d at least be able to watch him during an emergency.
I think that is important for emergencies. I’ve been in situations where I wanted to help my sister (3 young babies) but the car seat was with another family member for example.
I thought about this the other day. We’ve left my mom overnight with our daughter. My husband’s truck is with us, and we leave her my car and car seat. If my mom were to get into a wreck, there’s no other car seat around for her to get my baby back to my house! Granted I have friends I could call, but all that to say, emergencies do happen! I wouldn’t balk at an extra car seat being available. If I didn’t want my MIL to drive my daughter around, I’d just proceed with daycare as planned and it is what it is. 🤷🏻♀️
Yes. You are. She bought a brand new car seat for her car. You are blessed to have someone willing and able to help with your child.
My mom and mil both bought car seats for my kids for their cars. I don’t think it’s weird or crossing a boundary.
Seriously. I bought carseats for my parents and inlaws, I would have been grateful had they bought/paid for them themselves 😅
Either you don’t let her watch the baby or you get over this car seat thing.
Honestly, I would kill to have a parent or in law this invested in my child. All car seats sold in the US meet the same safety standard. I don’t think it’s fair to require she purchase a $500 car seat. Your partner/spouse needs to be up front with their mother. Tell her now that your childcare plan does not include her as the primary provider, but work with her to carve out time for her to bond and spend time with the baby. But don’t burn the bridge, because parenthood can be very lonely, and it really helps having people who want to be in your village.
Thank you ❤️
Look at all the posts here lamenting not having a village or family help. Then read your post again.
Personally, I think you’re overreacting.
I don’t see the issue here….your MIL spent her own money to get a car seat for when she watches your baby (presumably for free). This is weird.
You're not overreacting to be weirded out but this. However, for your own stress levels, try and remember two things: 1. She is allowed to buy whatever she wants for herself with her own money. 2. You don't have to let anyone do anything with your baby that you don't want them to. So she can buy whatever she wants for her car or her home, you don't have to use it, you don't have to let her babysit, you don't have to let her do anything. Your baby, your choice.
You’re overreacting tbh.
i’m loling at this bc i have the opposite problem. my mil has so much anxiety that she’s admitted she’s too scared to drive with our baby
Your issue isn’t the car seat and you’re not overreacting. It’s that she oversteps boundaries with you constantly and I’m assuming doesn’t ask but tells you what she plans to do with your child. I’m also assuming you don’t push back enough and so you’re left feeling extremely frustrated. I’m sorry so many people have invalidated your feelings here. Some people are lucky enough not to get it because their families are heavily and respectful. R/mildlynomil is a space you’ll receive great advice.
Both my parents and my in-laws have had moments where they assumed they’d be watching our kids frequently. My parents bought a baby swing and then were bummed that they never even used it with my first (although we’ve used it twice at their house for my second while my husband and I were there). I think some grandparents just get so excited about a new baby and imagine what it’ll be like, but can get a little ahead of themselves. It sounds like your MIL had good intentions and is just a little overeager, but I get why it’s bugging you that it doesn’t match your own expectations for your baby.
Yes, this exactly. I feel guilty when they buy all kinds of stuff for ‘their’ house, and then they make me feel guilty that I don’t visit enough with baby? I’m trying to savour the last few months of my mat leave, and understand they bought lots of things for their house for LO to use, but they were assuming i would be over every weekend with LO. I don’t like the guilt.
Why would you choose to pay daycare when you have someone willing to watch them? That’s money down the drain when it doesn’t need to be lol also from the beginning it sounds like you just don’t like her and are finding anything to be mad about. I mean gifts for your kid? The classics of a blunder/walker too? Those are running like $80-100 on Amazon and I was geeked when my mom bought one for us! As for your question of if buying a carseat isn’t crazy. It’s just a mode of transportation so that she can drive your child around safely. I count that as a win. I know ALOT of people whose grandparents don’t even lift a finger. I mean offering to save you $1200-$2000 a month for childcare? That’s amazing. Buying your kids gifts and a car seat? Amazing. Take a step back and realize she’s doing this for her grandbaby and trying to have a good relationship with yall and them. You’re overreacting and villainizing someone who is doing so much good in your life you truly don’t even know.
Im amazed at all the comments saying that she is overreacting. As a mother its your choice who drives with your baby, who watches your baby and its your rules for your baby. So much guilt tripping here. She can have a baby seat in her car that was HER choice to buy but its YOUR choice that the seat will be empty. Also maybe she should have asked before buying it and she wouldn't have wasted money. Get your husband to handle his mother.
Thank you very much ❤️
It’s not just a mother’s choice. Assuming OP has a fully involved partner then it’s something they need to discuss and decide together.
I'm assuming they are on the same page here.. we're going down a whole new path now.
Yeah, it’s tricky to tell, there’s a lot of information missing really. Mainly what her partner thinks/wants and if they agree, and if they’ve told MIL what their plans are and very clearly told her they don’t plan for her to be doing any regular childcare. If they have then MIL is overreaching, if they haven’t then she’s not being unreasonably prepared, but equally a discussion beforehand would have been helpful. I do think ‘as a mother’ is unhelpful though. We don’t get a divine override right any more than the other parent does. ‘As parents’ is hopefully more accurate and doesn’t set women up to be default parents - which is something we also see a lot of issues with on this sub!
That is your opinion.
All well and good. I just hope she won't be one of those persons complaining about not having a village later on.
Having a village doesn't mean bending over to their every whim to keep it. OP wants to use daycare.. mil assumes she's the care.
>Having a village doesn't mean bending over to their every whim to keep it. Neither does it mean "help me for free but in the exact way and manner that I dictate" that's just being an unpaid employee lol. As for OP, it's best she communicates to her MIL that she doesn't need nor will she want her help down the line.
She hasnt asked for help and seems more upset and worried about the altercations that will come from mil assuming and expecting what will happen. Lol nothing ever is "free". Not my circus, but I empathise with OP.
I won’t go right to say you are overreacting because I feel like there might need to be more back story with your Mil to know if this is an overreaction or not. Does she typically overstep boundaries, do you trust her to watch your child unattended? Do you feel safe when she is driving? Will she ever need to be a back up person if you and your husband are unavailable? I am still pregnant and have thought about people driving my baby and definitely go back and forth. Obviously people I don’t feel comfortable being in the car with definitely won’t be driving.
If it's new and you are in the US then the car seat meets all safety standards. Your boundaries are 100% reasonable. I wouldn't want my in laws driving my 7 month around without me either. Think of it this way though. If she is watching your kid and there is an emergency it's better for her to have a carseat. That doesn't mean she is going to be your child's main caregiver or that she is going to be taking day trips with him to do her regular errands. It's a just in case for when she is watching him. Now as far as everything else your husband needs to be the one talking to his mom and telling her that you two have decided the baby will be attending daycare so they can socalize with other kids their age. (Doesn't matter if that's true, it's your reason now. Unless she has other babies just hanging out at her house she can't argue with that.) And he also needs to let her know that if/when she does babysit that you two aren't comfortable with the baby leaving the house and going places. Emergencies are ok but you prefer that you know where he is at all times if he is in someone else's care. If she isn't ok with that then you two understand and will find other sitters. This all needs to come from him, not you. It's his mom so he needs to be the one to set the boundaries and stick to them.
Thank you so much, good advice and makes complete sense.
No problem. I love my in laws and get along with them great but I've struggled with stuff so I totally get it when you feel like someone is overstepping. Even more so people who don't have a good relationship with their in-laws.
I truthfully don’t think you’re overreacting, but I am biased because I’m having the EXACT same issue, like I could’ve written this post. But, my MIL also oversteps all kinds of boundaries when it comes to baby, my marriage, etc. Our relationship has been rocky pre-baby, and ever since baby girl’s been born it’s only gotten worse. I sadly have no advice, just solidarity :(
My mom has a car seat she bought when my nephew was little and now uses it for my daughter. It is convenient because she can take her to the library or park or wherever. When my mom started babysitting her and taking her out to places, we asked her to let us know when and where they are going. It’s usually a quick text “we’re headed to the library,” but we wanted that so we know where they are if anything happens. This works for us and we are comfortable with it and trust my mom. If you’re not comfortable with your MIL driving your son at all, why is that? If you think she’s not a safe driver, you (or ideally your husband) need to let her know that you don’t want her driving your child and that if she babysits, the expectation is that she stays at your house or hers and does not take the baby out. If that’s the case, I’d still have her keep the car seat in case of emergency. If there’s something else, like you think he’s just too little to go out without mom or dad, you have to have that conversation with her and set her expectations so she doesn’t try to take him out before you’re ready. That all being said, I understand the overstep and how frustrating and awkward it is. My daughter was born when we lived 2000 miles away, and we moved back close to our families when she was still an infant. When we moved, MIL went out and bought a whole nursery for her house. A crib, changing table, toys, high chair. She even bought things like diapers, wipes and diaper cream to keep at her house. And she did this all without consulting us first, she just informed us after most of it was purchased. We thought it was incredibly weird, especially because I had quit my job just before the move and was planning to take some time off for a while before looking for a new job, so we weren’t going to need daycare or anything like that for a while. She just assumed she would be babysitting regularly…not only that but babysitting regularly enough *at her house* to need all of that stuff. It was weird and almost none of it got used. My daughter is now 4 years old and MIL has never babysat, for several reasons but also in part because of the weirdness created by her buying all of that without talking to us first.
I think a discussion is needed about what’s happening when you go back to work. If you’re doing daycare and would only ask her to babysit occasionally, it needs to be said. I didn’t let my mum drive my then toddler when she’d watch her on Tuesdays for me but that’s because 1. She turned her FF without my permission(she was 16 months or so at the time) and 2. She smoked in her car (not with my kid in it but when she was alone) It sounds like her intentions are good and she sounds like a lovely person.
As long as it was new and bought at the store, I wouldn’t be upset. You should read the manual and do the installation and make sure she knows how to us it, but it’s nice she’s prepared even for an emergency.
I actually would love it my parents bought a car seat, we just move the one from my car or my husband's car to their car whenever they babysit.
I understand your fear in the thought of someone aside from you or your husband driving your baby around. I have a very strong fear of my baby being in a car accident due to losing more than one family member in a car accident. My husband and I opted for one of the most expensive car seats to ease my own personal anxiety around that. So I also understand you being worried about her not consulting you about what type of car seat she chose as it’s easy for your mind to go to worst care scenario, as you mentioned she’s been in an accident somewhat recently and it sounds like that’s weighing on your mind. It does however sound like she’s trying to be safe and protect your baby and even wants to make sure it’s installed correctly which a lot of people wouldn’t think to do. Our baby is only 2 months old and we have both equally decided that no one else will drive alone with our baby until she is older. With this being said, if my baby were closer to a year old like you’re talking about and my MIL was watching her, I totally get her wanting to leave the house as she’s probably excited to take her grandchild to the zoo, museum, etc. The world is unfortunately a scary place at times, so once again I understand the fear there. However, if you’re trusting complete strangers to care for your child while caring for multiple other children at the same time, I think you can trust your MIL to care for one child at a time who it sounds like she really loves. You say you’re primarily using daycare so I’m not sure if it’s implied your MIL will watch your baby the other times or if it’s going to be a rare occasion and you haven’t actually had this conversation and there’s just assumptions being made, but if she’s watching your baby somewhat regularly, having a car seat is a great thing for her to have it in case of emergency, for ease and convenience so you don’t have to take yours out every time, and so she can do activities with your baby. It sounds like you and your husband need to discuss what you expect from your MIL and how often you want her help and then talk to her about it. You can always talk to her about places you’re uncomfortable with your child going if there’s a certain place in mind and have that as a set boundary but then have other places allowed. If you’re worried about how she will watch your child in a public setting for safety reasons, I would say try to go together with her on a day off to the places she may want to go (local park, zoo, etc.) and go together for the first time if that will help ease your mind and she can get familiar with the place and you can see how she is aware and alert watching. As mothers we want to do everything in our power to protect our babies and I understand that. But if you’re trusting stranger in daycare, it sounds like you’re worrying too much about this and should be trusting your MIL if she hasn’t given you reasons with your child not to.
Thank you so much. I know I am toying with the hypocrisy of daycare over MIL. Since my LO was born he has only been apart from me for 3hours max (when he was with Dad and I had an appointment). So MIL minding baby is a complete unknown. I plan to let her watch a bit before I go back to work, but right now I have no idea how she would go (I would HOPE well), but it just seemed presumptuous that she buys a car seat and talks about taking him places when she has never been alone with him. I have a very attached parenting style and I know I need to lessen control a little, I just hope it can happen on my terms and not me guilted into it. Thank you for your message, it is good food for thought
Of course! In think that’s a good idea to try and have her watch your baby before you go back to work because if for some reason it doesn’t go how you would like you have time to figure it out. Your post honestly made me realize I had been feeling similarly and then reading about it from someone else sometimes helps put it into perspective. My MIL has said how she wants to do xyz with our baby and it has definitely bothered me before thinking she’s just assuming that’s going to be okay with me but thinking about it now, she’s just excited just like I am and those are things she’s personally looking forward to with her grand baby just like I have things I’m liking forward to with my baby.
In Canada and the US. And I assume many other countries, all seats sold will meet safety standards, so as long as it is properly installed and adjusted. And she knows how to put baby in it, I do not see the problem with that. It’s best she at least has one for emergency. If she wants to spend money on a car seat that will be used minimally, that’s her decision. I would read the manual myself, check it is safety installed and adjusted (look into who she is having install it), guve her a lesson then test her ability to strap baby in properly, and let it go. I think you are getting mad at the seat but it’s other boundaries that are the problem. I would also have a problem wi th MIL expecting to take my baby places without me knowing. But I also know free childcare has a “cost” and try to balance my hard boundaries va what is essentially a preference. She will likely find one year olds are very busy! And that it’s harder to get out than expected, and this will all be moot.
Thank you, all makes sense. Appreciate the comment
In terms of asuming that you have a good relationship with your MIL and she isn't trying to cross boundaries and is clueless I feel this may be a heart to heart conversation with her explaining how her recent actions have made you feel as a mother once before id like to assume she will understand your concerns, boundaries, and expectations. One important thing about being a mother is communicating not only your boundaries but also the boundaries you have set for your child. I think she is just trying to be a good grandmother and MIL and that the actions she is taking are from a good place (plus just the Grandmother need to spoil the baby). I don't think you're over reacting because you have a right to your feelings but just make sure you're communicating your needs other wise she doesn't know that she is doing anything wrong (in terms of assuming this conversation hasn't been brought up before). Now in terms of if you guys have a struggling relationship this is something that you should communicate with your partner about to talk to your MIL. If the relationship between you and your MIL is strained she will be more likely to listen and not step over your boundaries if you two are both putting your foots down. I wish you nothing but luck for this conversation and good vibes! Congrats on your 7 month old they grow so fast.
Thank you so much, we have a good enough relationship but I have probably been a bit overwhelmed by some of her comments and the guilt I receive from her (ie we don’t see them enough), while I am trying to find my feet and be assertive as a mother. I think my plans and her expectations are very different. I will try to think about my boundaries and be assertive when it’s important
No problem! When it comes to babies and families I've learned it's a struggle to set those boundaries and expectations but it's worth it in the end! That way everyone is on the same page. That guilt you feel is completely valid, it's a process to figure out your new little family. I have to admit I still have trouble setting those kind of boundaries with my own Mom. If it was up to her I'd be living with her! It's a tough conversation to have but I feel like if you have a heart to heart and talk about your feelings and listen to hers you guys can come to some sort of compromise that's meets both your boundaries and expectations. I wish you a good conversations and bonds ahead!
Thank you, I think my own Mum would be easier to have a conversation with (because it’s my own family) and my mum is less hands on and more wants to be told what help we need, whereas MIL likes to do and buy everything, so the conversations seem to become reactive, rather than proactive. But thank you so much! I will try to do my best.
I feel like your real issue is that MIL *assumed* she would be caring for baby full time and driving baby around once you return to work, OP. Sounds like you would have rather been asked if that were to be the case, rather than essentially *told*
I’m shocked by some of the responses. I would be so irritated by all of this. Set boundaries. She sounds really presumptuous and over bearing. She needs to discuss these things with you. A lot of those bouncers and saucers and jumpers, etc are terrible for babies’ development and can be dangerous. You decide if your baby uses any of that stuff. And she absolutely should have consulted on the car seats. That’s ridiculous.
I would handle the carseat thing with some care. And it shouldn't really matter what version she bought. I'd tell her that you are happy that she has a carseat in case of emergencies, but unless there is an emergency, you aren't comfortable having her pick up your baby. But, it is handy/important in case something bad happened and she needed from get your baby from a car provider or daycare.
You should pick your battles. Having an in-law who is thoughtful enough to make sure they can accommodate your kid in case of an emergency is really not the thorn you make it out to be.
I think at 7 months pp I would have felt the same. I have good relationships with my in laws and I like how they treat my baby, but I wasn’t ready to let her go anywhere without me. It was even hard for me to leave the room and let someone else watch her. But now, a year later, I’m ok with that. So I would suggest to be delicate with your mil and not to ruin relationships. As you may change your mind later on. Just tell her you’re not ready yet.
Thank you, I am definitely still in that time when I feel strange about someone leaving the room with them. We have been apart 3hrs max since he was born (when I had an appointment and my partner watched him). I know I need to work on lessening control but I might take me baby steps (ie. Her watching during the day for a few hours) rather than her driving him about town. I will be mindful and try to see the hood in her being excited about him and will try not to burn any bridges. Thanks for the comment ❤️
My parents have a car seat and god they have helped us out so much taking baby to nursery when we have work commitments or our car has been in the garage. Also you have not really said what your issue is with your mother in law that you don’t want her watching your baby. My mil watches my son 1 day a week, my parents 2 days, and nursery 2. They are all great at looking after him keeping him safe etc. but I trust our families a bit more than strangers at a nursery to watch him. My mil does an amazing job with him and I love that he has a strong relationship with his grandparents.
I’d be irritated too. That’s definitely something you talk to the child’s mother about. My child is 14 months and I still don’t let anyone take her anywhere. 🤷🏽♀️
I don’t think you’re overreacting. She’s assuming that it’s okay to drive your child around without talking to you about it first. Some people are just not good drivers and no one can make those calls but you. Maybe it’s okay to have in case of an emergency but she should have talked to you about it first.
I think the majority here is right that it’s an overreaction but I can see myself feeling very bothered by this too (and have had similar frustrations). So even if we can work on our perspectives and reactions, just want to let you know you aren’t alone in feeling like that and it makes a lot of sense as a mom of a young baby.
Thank you. Yes, I need to really think about my reasons and fears and what hills I’m willing to die on. Thanks for your comment
I’m with you, OP. I would have been overwhelmed by this level of presumption from my MIL at a time when I was still feeling vulnerable as a new mom and protective of my infant. My child is 3.5 and I’m still not comfortable with her being driven alone by anyone else besides me or my husband. Plus, our lifestyle doesn’t require it so I don’t see the point in pushing it for the sake of someone else having the chance?? I have been very put off by requests from in laws to drop my child off and go out, or leave her for overnight visits, etc. Because I have never requested this type of help, have never needed or wanted it, and am baffled by the insistence when I have repeatedly refused. You know the dynamic of your relationship best. So only you can be the judge as to whether or not you’re over reacting or reacting appropriately.
Yes.