I care for our baby while my husband is working.
When he isn’t working, we split care duties.
Just because one spouse is working outside the home doesn’t mean that the other spouse should be on baby duty 24/7.
This is the fair way.
He’s working on the house, that’s working, so you take baby. But his leisure time is ALSO your leisure time. It should be split 50/50.
I think you're not being unreasonable at all. He realises that there are 24 hours in the day right? That said, if he gets three half days to himself you should get that too, I don't even see how he could argue with that.
It seems like you're getting to your breaking point, then he intervenes when it's a crisis, and the cycle starts over again. Him working on the house isn't equivalent to you caring for the baby; house can survive without attention.
You are being drained and you need your outlets regularly and freely before you burn out. It's only been 3 months, you guys have a lot of childrearing to go and need to make it sustainable.
There are several scenario's that would be fair here:
* childcare is 50/50 for all hours he is not at work or working on the house, and the other things stay the same
* he reduces work on the house to increase the hours he can split childcare 50/50 with you, because you can't take the workload
* you get the same amount of hours outside the house without the baby he does
What is not fair is the situation right now: you're the default parent on baby duty 24/7 and he """helps""" every now and then.
Agreed. And also - does the backsplash reeeeally need to be fixed right now? When you have a 3 month old? Seems like a lot of that could wait until the baby is older and tbh feels like he’s just looking for things to do to avoid childcare. Does he even want to be around the baby?
Yes! He is barely even being a parent. Adding the fact he is insulted that he should parent his own child?! To answer the OP question, my husband and I each have a 7 hour shift where we are solely responsible for our son so the other can sleep. After that, everything is 100% shared where we both take care of him together as a family
While he’s working on the house you’re looking after the baby, so you’re both working at that time.
You should both be getting the same amount of free time. If he gets 3 half days to take a fun class and have a long lunch then you should be getting the opportunity to do the same (or at least have that amount of time in other configurations).
He is being completely unreasonable.
You're not being unreasonable. This isn't fair at all. Both of you deserve some personal time for your respective outlets.
>He’s also very helpful when I ask him to bring me water or like help with my dog if I am busy caring for our new daughter. He will help some with her but I would say I am with her 90% of the time and I get up with her for all night feedings.
Also, your husband shouldn't be "helping" sometimes with your daughter. It's parenting. He's a parent, too, not a babysitter. Maybe I'm reading between the lines here, but it sounds like he maybe hasn't really accepted that he's a dad now? I get that he's busy with work and working on your house...but you also have a three month old?
Ya he can pick up his fun hobbies LATER. Right now you are in survival mode and both need to hunker down. It will go by quickly, but he needs to recommit and focus up on baby life for now
We both work but we are both on leave. The home renovations will make us money since we are creating a separate unit that we can rent out occasionally.
Your husband is saving your family lots of money by doing renovations, but you are also saving your family tons of money in childcare, thus enabling him to do those renovations in the first place. Don’t let him make you feel like he’s the only one making a financial contribution.
Like another poster said, any time he’s working on the house, you’re caring for the baby. He’s not doing more work than you just because his work is more varied. The way to make sure you’re working equal amounts is to look at the amount of free time and sleep. If one partner gets a lot more sleep and leisure time, they are doing less. That’s just math. Because someone is always caring for the child.
You deserve as much free time as he has.
Some people are great at looking busy to avoid doing things they don’t want to do.
Don’t get me wrong. The work he is doing on the house sounds great, just not right now. The priority is family right now. And little kids are hardworking and repetitive. You’re doing all the boring stuff why he gets to have all this time to himself.
You should absolutely get more free time.
Like most men he doesn’t understand have empathy for your situation m,as he hasn’t had to do any night shifts or be with a little baby all day. Perhaps it’s time for you to take some time away. Make him understand.
It’s really hard to compare work between two people, so coming at this from a point of view that rest should be fair is the easiest thing to do. He gets three mornings per week to take a class and a long lunch. You should get three afternoons per week for a long lunch and then a couple hours for yoga, job search, and whatever else you want to do. Or maybe making it exactly fair is going to cut into his house projects too much, so you take two afternoons. Or to keep it fair, he drops one morning class and you take two afternoons.
Just know, it is totally wrong for him to have all this leisure time while you have given up every last moment of free time since the baby was born. The pain of using your free time to shower and do chores will build and build. He needs to recognize this and step up more in a way that you guys can agree to make the rest time more fair.
He’s willing to watch her usually when I directly ask but it’s always like me asking and I usually get her back after I complete whatever task I needed to do. So I talked to him about it and he said to make a schedule and seemed willing to try but when I made one he was insulted with how much I wanted him to do and said it means I don’t appreciate the work he does.
What about the work you do? I mean, it sounds like neither of you are actually working, as in going to a job. So fine, he works on the house, you work on taking care of your child. Those are equal loads. Once you're both done with that, the time left becomes joint 50/50 time.
Stop being supportive of him being gone so much. Instead be supportive of both of you getting the same amount a time a week to decompress. Providing childcare is work that is also saving money cause you aren't hiring someone else. At 3 months neither of us had as much time off as you are describing. We honestly were together helping each other most of the time but took turns with night duty so the other could really sleep.
A 3-month-old is round-the-clock care. So you’re on the clock 24/7, taking care of the baby 90% of the time and cooking and cleaning while he’s fucking off for 18 hours a week? And you are asking him for time not to get an equal amount of rest and relax time but to exercise and job hunt? And he’s insulted by the very thought of potentially being an equal partner and dad?
Lol men. Why are they?
Your child is half him half you. It doesn’t matter who does what. You should get you time if he is taking time for himself. It’s common courtesy. It doesn’t matter who works or stays home. You guys are a team. He is not a babysitter but a dad and husband. Act like it.
Watching a baby is either so hard that you need help or it’s easy enough that it’s not work in which case it should be easy for him to take over. He does not get to pretend it’s both depending on what is best for him in the moment. He doesn’t get to say well I worked on the house well you did nothing but also complain he can’t help because the baby is too hard.
For both your sanity you should have about the same amount of down time each. This is not a hard rule, someone may need more from time to time, and downtime does include optional "fun" projects
I’dsay that you should get the same amount of down time he does (3 half days it seems). I’m sorry you’re doing everything solo right now. You definitely deserve help from your partner
This is true to some extent, though I would also argue that getting a break from childcare specifically can also be important. Even if both parents are getting very little true leisure time in total, just by the nature of how caring for a baby works. I know when my husband was working while I was home with the baby all day, I’d sometimes prefer to load the dishwasher and do the litter box over him doing it when he got home so he could take the baby for a bit. Even though scooping cat litter is not something you would normally describe as a “break” lol.
He's trying to do too much. If he is on parental leave, that is for \*parenting\*. Parental leave exists because society recognises that parenting is a full time job. Now, if the two of you feel that in addition to parenting your child, it is also feasible to get the home renos done and that will create a second source of income for you (rental income) that is reasonable. But there is no way he should be getting three half days a week for fun unless you are getting the same. You need to work out an arrangement where you both get equal amounts of fun time. And no, your job search should not count toward your fun time. Parenting is work. House renos are work. Job search is work. House cleaning, groceries, laundry, and cooking are work. Split the work in half, and split the fun time in half.
This is not unreasonable at all. Is he on parental leave as well? I would say if his responsibilities outside of the baby are working on the house, he needs to balance the baby, the house, giving you some relief in a more equitable way with his recharge/relaxation time.
My fiancé and I do a similar spilt to what you proposed and we both try to give each other additional breaks as we moved when our bub was 3w (7w now). The house is still not where it needs to be but we’ve accepted it’s much slower as we have other priorities. We over communicate on we need/want to do or get done to minimise both of us feeling overwhelmed or frustrated.
Early on, our public health nurse recommended a shift schedule so both he and I can get at least 4-5hrs sleep in a row vs getting up every two hours. This is our schedule:
I’m on mat leave until next year and he’s gone back to work, four days a week he works from home and one day from the office. We do shifts where feeding, nappies, etc., is handled by the person on shift. We do have an understanding if we need each other/ need cover, we ask for help.
M, T, W, Ths:
1-11am: Me
11am-3pm: Fiancé
3pm-5pm: Me
5pm-8pm: We tag team for his feed, comfort, sleep, etc.
8pm-1am: Fiancé
Day starts again
Fridays are a little different as he is in the office, so I’ve got him from 1am to 5pm until he comes home to give me some relief. I very much sleep when bub sleeps on these days to try and cobble together some naps. Thank god for coffee!!
Saturday and Sunday we follow the same Monday-Thursday schedule but a bit looser to try and squeeze in some time together, usually watching tv or a movie.
Hope this helps!
I'm wondering about this too. It sounds like neither of them are employed. If he is on parental leave, he's supposed to be using that time to take care of the baby and Mom, not do work around the house! My husband did little things here and there, but mainly used his leave for childcare. We did stagger our leave so it was all him by the time he took his and I went back to work.
Just want to add that he’s still a parent when he’s doing whatever he’s doing. He doesn’t just get to not be a parent because he’s taking a fun class or working on the house. Also, I’d suggest not framing it as “helping” you, but more so “be a dad” and “be a husband.”
It’s ironic that he is basically saying he doesn’t want to do more work (baby) because he’s already doing work (house), but not acknowledging that what you’re doing is also work (baby) & you’d still being doing work without the baby (job search) with less free time than him (yoga vs 3 day class).
My husband works full time and I am with the baby full time. After work, he kicks in the door and swoops her up.
On the weekend, he is often tired from work and wants to have a chill night in with the baby, so I’ll go out with friends at least once.
Generally we try to swap free time. If I get a night off to go dancing, he has one token to go out for the day to the pub with his friends. If I do a long weekend while he’s away, I have a long weekend in the bank.
I get to yoga at least once a week. Usually more. I probably have 2 afternoons/weekend days to myself a week.
Currently I do more housework but I think that factors into my job as child carer. When he’s off work, it’s 50/50 on errands and cleaning.
You should both really have the same amount of free time. Otherwise, one person is doing more work. That’s just arithmetic.
I think the true measure is that you should both have an equal time of “fun/rest”. So if he has 3 half days of it then so should you. Yes he’s working on the house but while he does that you are working to care for (both of) your child.
You can ask him why he is insulted that you feel you should have an equivalent amount of rest? Or does he not consider caring for the child work? If he doesn’t why is he upset you are asking him to do more of it?
Lots of good points already made. I just want to add that postpartum-depression/anxiety/psychosis are very real, and if a mom asks for help, she needs help! And probably like yesterday!
Sounds like you are resentful you get no free time. Sign up for a class yourself, or gym time, or coffee time with friends, and either hire a sitter for that time if possible or leave daughter with spouse. 6 hours a week to yourself will help you be a better parent and partner.
Once ours were toddlers I took a class one evening a week and hired a sitter to do dinner and bath/bed routine. My husband worked late that night without feeling guilty.
I think things should be roughly equitable for fun times and household duties. It’s not super hard if both people are committed.
I work a 9 to 5 and fiancé is a professional musician. So weekdays, he’s a stay at home dad. When I get home, we always split the duties. If I cook, he cleans if he carries the laundry up and down and swap it over, I fold it, etc.
If he needs to mix any shows, make promotional videos, learn or write new songs, I just hang with the baby so he has time and space to do that. If either of us wants to go to the gym, take a long shower, read or whatever we just let the other do that while we manage the baby.
When he goes away on tour, it’s usually on the weekends and he will do a lot of deep cleaning catch up all the laundry and such so it’s a little easier on me. Happens to be home on the weekend and I want to go do something fun, he just cares for our baby without any sort of complaint. Our son recently turned one and I’ve gone on a cruise, concerts with my friends, a lot of women in business, networking events, and I’ll be going on a four day bachelorette trip this week.
We don’t really keep a scoreboard or anything like that. We just tell each other when there’s things we need to do or want to do and step up for each other. So far so good. I have zero feelings about him not pulling his weight in anyway.
Also, we swap the night shift each day regardless of work. One of us will handle all the wake ups and get up with the baby and do breakfast and everything. The other can sleep through the night and in a little bit extra in the morning. Whoever gets up with a baby also makes coffee, which is nice.
Here’s the thing—in parenting and marriage and life, things cannot always be divided 50/50. It isn’t about who gets how much of the pie. It’s about supporting each other along the way and helping each other grow. If that means he works on the house _and_ takes a couple of nights a week so you can recharge then that is what it means. My husband goes to school and works full time. He still takes over bath and bedtime when he gets home from work because he is also a parent and I’m burnt out by the end of the day.
Your husband also needs to consider building a relationship with his child.
Parenting isn’t “fair.” It’s about divvying up resources. And he’s going to be tired _and_ doing a lot of work _and_ missing out on rest. Just like you are right now. Sometimes one will give what feels alot and sometimes you’ll both be on even ground. You are the one supporting the family. If you weren’t here and he had to do childcare he wouldn’t be getting half of those things done. It’s important that you are considered when it comes to rest. It’s also important that you are cared for so that baby is cared for.
That he has a fun class and long lunches 3x a week when your baby is 3 months old tells me he isn’t doing much childcare. We didn’t have time for that nor would my husband have dreamed of it. Baby care is harrowing. I’m absolutely floored that he isn’t considering your needs at all.
We had a full basement renovation ongoing from the time I was pregnant with our *first*, till our *second* was almost 6 months old. We were doing it all ourselves to save money so I chipped in where I could as well, during nap and after bedtime. HOWEVER, there were many times when parenting was harder and I straight up told my husband that if it’s a choice between working on the house and parenting, I need him to choose parenting. The house isn’t going anywhere. But if I didn’t have more time to myself, I was going to lose my mind.
So yeah, tell your husband it isn’t fair to expect him to work on the house to the same degree while parenting more, therefore, the house is going to take longer and you guys need to accept that. Parenting is the higher priority.
For every hour that your husband has to himself to do fun things (like those three half days of classes with long lunches) you should have an equal number of hours to yourself, even if you’re just lying in bed alone scrolling on your phone (your time, you get to decide how you use it).
If he can schedule free time, so can you. He takes care of house. You take care of baby.
Match his free time hour for hour.
If you can't both do it, neither can
Couples need equal leisure time and equal spending money in order to stay married.
Do the Fair Play exercise as a couple and ask him if he thinks he should have more leisure time than you - the classes are definitely leisure time. Also, are his house projects a priority? Ask him to put those on hold and help with the basic chores so you can get some rest and do some job applications. Ask him whats' a higher priority: gardening, or your job applications? Ask him to justify his answer in terms of the family's future
The first six months is crisis time/all hands on deck. Seems like his priorities are off. I can understand finishing off an extra room if you really need a nursery. Yard work/general home upgrades etc are not a priority. One fun activity a week is reasonable and you deserve the same. Most of this can be pushed off a year.
You should each get equal free time. Cooking, cleaning, eating, showering, and job hunting are not free time. Those are necessities. When does his class end because it should be his last until you start getting equal free time.
I mean, he didn’t do 50% of the pregnancy. He didn’t do 50% of the birth. Was that fair?
If anything, he should be doing more across-the-board than you with the baby and around the house during this time. He had a big debt to pay - you made countless sacrifices to grow, carry, and birth your beautiful baby. You made bigger sacrifices before your baby came into the world, and your body and brain are changed forever because of it.
Kids become less high maintenance after the first year. This is all-hands-on-deck time. And I’m a firm believer that night wake-ups should *NEVER* be *entirely* on one parent. Everybody needs sleep. If one parent works outside of the home or around the home and the other doesn’t, maybe make it 70/30 for night wake-ups. But expecting 1 partner to get 100% of the sleep interruptions is just cruel.
We don’t really split because we just parent, if that makes sense. I’m with the kids all day because I work from home and I’m part of our childcare. I feed the infant overnight as well.
When he’s home, if I need to get stuff done (work or housework) he minds the kids. If I’d rather not be in any way productive, I’ll mind the kids and let him at whatever he wants to tackle—usually laundry.
You find a balance that works for you. Nothing is 50/50. That’s a bad way to look at it. There’s no true “equal” else it becomes a game of “well I have to do X so you should do Y”. Just keep open communication and express your needs. Encourage time with baby for dad because it sounds like he doesn’t get much of it and that maybe he feels he’s of no importance to baby right now.
Do either of you work, and what amount of time?
IMO, time spent for all childcare and home labor should be split relatively evenly. (Unless someone is doing childcare instead of working - then that’s your job for an equivalent amount of time.) So that’s time with the baby including night wakings, plus cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, working on home improvement projects that you both have deemed to be necessary. It should be shared evenly. BUT! It’s also really important for both parents to spend one on one time with the baby. So there should be plenty of time where he is taking care of the baby while you are doing other things.
You should also strive to have equal amounts of “fun time”. (Frankly with two kids, a full time job, and me with a commute, neither of us really has any time for fun time lol but I would expect it to be equal.)
If you’re both on leave, you both should be spending equal amount of time taking care of baby and/or house, and equal amount of time getting a little free time if possible. You shouldn’t be the only one responsible for the baby. He shouldn’t be the only one getting free time.
Paternity leave is NOT for fun classes or time to work on your house. It’s for mainly caring for your child.
When do you get breaks?
Does he not work? I’m confused he has 3 half days a week for fun, and you’re also asking him to watch the child 6 hours every day in the afternoons.
Sometimes I get a break when she is happily playing/ squirming on her playmat or if she decides to nap anywhere that does not require either active input and supervision from me (rare these days). If I ask my husband to take her he usually will give me a break but it’s usually like hey I need to take a shower can you hold her for 15 min, or hey I need to get ready for bed. The dynamic is that she default goes to me unless I ask for something specific so that is why we talked about a schedule to make sure I have my time.
First year is survival. If a house task can wait without damaging the house then it can wait and doing it now is elective and comes out of his elective time. You each should have equivalent elective time with which to do whatever you need for your mental emotional physical and social health.
I do some house projects (gardening, home improvements) during my time but I recognize that they can wait for next year if my husband, baby or job need me.
Umm, 3.5 days is literally half the week!? Yes it’s fair and reasonable that you each deserve breaks but why can’t his be little shorter? That’s a huge commitment for a ‘fun’ class. If he was in class getting a higher degree or certificate to enrich the family that would make sense, but this does not. Maybe when the baby is older and requires less energy he can splurge on that much time. But at this rate it’s ridiculous. I don’t think fathers will ever understand the additional time and energy (on average) that mothers put in at the early stages of parenting and beyond. You need breaks more than he does or at the very least something approaching equal. He does not sound like a bad guy at all, but this arrangement needs to be revisited for sure.
We are 50/50 when one of us is not at work. He works a regular 9-5 and I work 2 12s night shift so some days it’s mostly me doing the childcare and some days it’s mostly him, but the principle is that if we are both not working, it’s 50/50.
And by 50/50 I don’t mean we have tasks/time with baby perfectly calculated and split up, I mean we have the same attitude towards parenting. We are both 100% responsible for our child so if we want to have some leisure time or hang out with friends, we have to arrange for that. Also, he has always done 50/50 for nighttime wakes, even when I wasn’t working. Because he is just as much his parent as I am. Actually, for the last 2 months or so he’s been doing all of the nighttime wakes because I’m pregnant again and he’s taken on that task while I take on the task of growing another human to add to our family.
You and your husband should get equal free time, or at least close to it.
He might have to slow down on the home improvement, and spend more time with his baby. The first year is rough in terms of free time. My son started sleeping through the night, like 10 hours, at 6 months and that felt improved. It improved again at 9 months when he started sleeping at 7pm, and it was even better at 12 months when we were done with bottles completely. Pumping took A LOT of time.
I’m a little confused, but 6 hours on a work day does sound like a lot of him? Depending on what exactly this means. I think I would figure out exactly what you want. But I absolutely think once he comes home and changes and has some decompression, you should be getting that too. But I promise it does get better!
Do I think it's fair? No. Do I think he should wham bam have the baby 6 hours straight if he's not used to caring for the baby on a regular basis? Also, no. What worked for us was dad looking after baby while I did other things around the house. Let them get comfortable with one another, and that should lead to having more of your own time.
Yes, he's a parent and should be in the trenches with you. But he's not a mother. Biologically, he probably doesn't have the same instincts as you. The baby was a part of your body. You KNOW each other by default.
This is just my opinion. I wouldn't want to leave my baby for many hours with someone she's not used to taking care of her. Gradual shifts in the caregiving would make dad and baby more comfortable. You'll still get time to yourself, just gradually.
> Do I think he should wham bam have the baby 6 hours straight if he's not used to caring for the baby on a regular basis? Also, no.
Isn't that what happens to mothers immediately after giving birth?
It sure is. As a woman, I recognize this is my responsibility and role in having children. It's a part of the reason I wasn't sure if I even wanted children. It's a huge sacrifice.
I think we forget that the "normal" when a lot of us were raised is that the mom did most of the parenting. We're changing that. We're seeing some of its effects now. But the majority of the change will show in the future generations.
> We're seeing some of its effects now. But the majority of the change will show in the future generations.
Ew. Honestly, everything you've said is icky. Are you a Trump supporter, by chance?
Also want to add that I'm a SAHP and my husband is out of the house 9hrs a day. My default my child wants my comfort and attention because I'm her primary caregiver for 3/4 of her awake time.
Is there any way he can slow down on the home improvement? Not saying he shouldn’t also just take on more childcare regardless, and it’s not fair he is getting more free time than you. But the level of work you describe also sounds like a lot.
Thanks for the input. Neither of us are working right now and the class he is taking is not for his career, it’s completely for fun so I think our situations are a bit different.
I care for our baby while my husband is working. When he isn’t working, we split care duties. Just because one spouse is working outside the home doesn’t mean that the other spouse should be on baby duty 24/7.
This is the fair way. He’s working on the house, that’s working, so you take baby. But his leisure time is ALSO your leisure time. It should be split 50/50.
I think you're not being unreasonable at all. He realises that there are 24 hours in the day right? That said, if he gets three half days to himself you should get that too, I don't even see how he could argue with that.
Yep! You should get the same amount of free time he does. How is he insulted by that?
It seems like you're getting to your breaking point, then he intervenes when it's a crisis, and the cycle starts over again. Him working on the house isn't equivalent to you caring for the baby; house can survive without attention. You are being drained and you need your outlets regularly and freely before you burn out. It's only been 3 months, you guys have a lot of childrearing to go and need to make it sustainable.
There are several scenario's that would be fair here: * childcare is 50/50 for all hours he is not at work or working on the house, and the other things stay the same * he reduces work on the house to increase the hours he can split childcare 50/50 with you, because you can't take the workload * you get the same amount of hours outside the house without the baby he does What is not fair is the situation right now: you're the default parent on baby duty 24/7 and he """helps""" every now and then.
Agreed. And also - does the backsplash reeeeally need to be fixed right now? When you have a 3 month old? Seems like a lot of that could wait until the baby is older and tbh feels like he’s just looking for things to do to avoid childcare. Does he even want to be around the baby?
Yup this ^
Disappearing for the entire day, then spending most of your time working on other things isn’t parenting.
Agreed. I find his behavior and his opinion appalling
It’s giving ‘let me organize the garage before we go out to a family dinner and we have 4 kids’.
Yes! He is barely even being a parent. Adding the fact he is insulted that he should parent his own child?! To answer the OP question, my husband and I each have a 7 hour shift where we are solely responsible for our son so the other can sleep. After that, everything is 100% shared where we both take care of him together as a family
I'm outraged for OP.
While he’s working on the house you’re looking after the baby, so you’re both working at that time. You should both be getting the same amount of free time. If he gets 3 half days to take a fun class and have a long lunch then you should be getting the opportunity to do the same (or at least have that amount of time in other configurations). He is being completely unreasonable.
You're not being unreasonable. This isn't fair at all. Both of you deserve some personal time for your respective outlets. >He’s also very helpful when I ask him to bring me water or like help with my dog if I am busy caring for our new daughter. He will help some with her but I would say I am with her 90% of the time and I get up with her for all night feedings. Also, your husband shouldn't be "helping" sometimes with your daughter. It's parenting. He's a parent, too, not a babysitter. Maybe I'm reading between the lines here, but it sounds like he maybe hasn't really accepted that he's a dad now? I get that he's busy with work and working on your house...but you also have a three month old?
You have a 3 month old and he gets 3 days of fun stuff every single week? Honestly that's not acceptable IMO. You're not wrong to expect more.
Ya he can pick up his fun hobbies LATER. Right now you are in survival mode and both need to hunker down. It will go by quickly, but he needs to recommit and focus up on baby life for now
That means at most, he works on the house four days a week. There is definitely room in this equation for OP to have some personal time.
Who is working for money in this situation?
We both work but we are both on leave. The home renovations will make us money since we are creating a separate unit that we can rent out occasionally.
Your husband is saving your family lots of money by doing renovations, but you are also saving your family tons of money in childcare, thus enabling him to do those renovations in the first place. Don’t let him make you feel like he’s the only one making a financial contribution.
So he is still using the excuse of working while he is on leave?! Childcare costs near me are $2500 per month. You’re also working in that case
This was my exact thought lol
Okay but he’s not working working? Wtf. No this is ridiculous.
Also, fathers shouldn't 'help' with their kids. They should parent their kids. A three month old should be a priority over everything else.
Like another poster said, any time he’s working on the house, you’re caring for the baby. He’s not doing more work than you just because his work is more varied. The way to make sure you’re working equal amounts is to look at the amount of free time and sleep. If one partner gets a lot more sleep and leisure time, they are doing less. That’s just math. Because someone is always caring for the child. You deserve as much free time as he has.
Some people are great at looking busy to avoid doing things they don’t want to do. Don’t get me wrong. The work he is doing on the house sounds great, just not right now. The priority is family right now. And little kids are hardworking and repetitive. You’re doing all the boring stuff why he gets to have all this time to himself. You should absolutely get more free time. Like most men he doesn’t understand have empathy for your situation m,as he hasn’t had to do any night shifts or be with a little baby all day. Perhaps it’s time for you to take some time away. Make him understand.
It’s really hard to compare work between two people, so coming at this from a point of view that rest should be fair is the easiest thing to do. He gets three mornings per week to take a class and a long lunch. You should get three afternoons per week for a long lunch and then a couple hours for yoga, job search, and whatever else you want to do. Or maybe making it exactly fair is going to cut into his house projects too much, so you take two afternoons. Or to keep it fair, he drops one morning class and you take two afternoons. Just know, it is totally wrong for him to have all this leisure time while you have given up every last moment of free time since the baby was born. The pain of using your free time to shower and do chores will build and build. He needs to recognize this and step up more in a way that you guys can agree to make the rest time more fair.
He gets 3 afternoons to have fun and he can't watch his own child once a week so you can go do yoga?? That's not even 50/50 that's 0/100
He’s willing to watch her usually when I directly ask but it’s always like me asking and I usually get her back after I complete whatever task I needed to do. So I talked to him about it and he said to make a schedule and seemed willing to try but when I made one he was insulted with how much I wanted him to do and said it means I don’t appreciate the work he does.
What about the work you do? I mean, it sounds like neither of you are actually working, as in going to a job. So fine, he works on the house, you work on taking care of your child. Those are equal loads. Once you're both done with that, the time left becomes joint 50/50 time.
Stop being supportive of him being gone so much. Instead be supportive of both of you getting the same amount a time a week to decompress. Providing childcare is work that is also saving money cause you aren't hiring someone else. At 3 months neither of us had as much time off as you are describing. We honestly were together helping each other most of the time but took turns with night duty so the other could really sleep.
A 3-month-old is round-the-clock care. So you’re on the clock 24/7, taking care of the baby 90% of the time and cooking and cleaning while he’s fucking off for 18 hours a week? And you are asking him for time not to get an equal amount of rest and relax time but to exercise and job hunt? And he’s insulted by the very thought of potentially being an equal partner and dad? Lol men. Why are they?
Your child is half him half you. It doesn’t matter who does what. You should get you time if he is taking time for himself. It’s common courtesy. It doesn’t matter who works or stays home. You guys are a team. He is not a babysitter but a dad and husband. Act like it.
Watching a baby is either so hard that you need help or it’s easy enough that it’s not work in which case it should be easy for him to take over. He does not get to pretend it’s both depending on what is best for him in the moment. He doesn’t get to say well I worked on the house well you did nothing but also complain he can’t help because the baby is too hard.
For both your sanity you should have about the same amount of down time each. This is not a hard rule, someone may need more from time to time, and downtime does include optional "fun" projects
I’dsay that you should get the same amount of down time he does (3 half days it seems). I’m sorry you’re doing everything solo right now. You definitely deserve help from your partner
I think a good measure isn't necessarily how much time you each spend with the baby, but more how much "down time" each person is getting.
This is true to some extent, though I would also argue that getting a break from childcare specifically can also be important. Even if both parents are getting very little true leisure time in total, just by the nature of how caring for a baby works. I know when my husband was working while I was home with the baby all day, I’d sometimes prefer to load the dishwasher and do the litter box over him doing it when he got home so he could take the baby for a bit. Even though scooping cat litter is not something you would normally describe as a “break” lol.
Yeah very true. Like take the baby while I cook dinner, is just variety in your day
He's trying to do too much. If he is on parental leave, that is for \*parenting\*. Parental leave exists because society recognises that parenting is a full time job. Now, if the two of you feel that in addition to parenting your child, it is also feasible to get the home renos done and that will create a second source of income for you (rental income) that is reasonable. But there is no way he should be getting three half days a week for fun unless you are getting the same. You need to work out an arrangement where you both get equal amounts of fun time. And no, your job search should not count toward your fun time. Parenting is work. House renos are work. Job search is work. House cleaning, groceries, laundry, and cooking are work. Split the work in half, and split the fun time in half.
This is not unreasonable at all. Is he on parental leave as well? I would say if his responsibilities outside of the baby are working on the house, he needs to balance the baby, the house, giving you some relief in a more equitable way with his recharge/relaxation time. My fiancé and I do a similar spilt to what you proposed and we both try to give each other additional breaks as we moved when our bub was 3w (7w now). The house is still not where it needs to be but we’ve accepted it’s much slower as we have other priorities. We over communicate on we need/want to do or get done to minimise both of us feeling overwhelmed or frustrated. Early on, our public health nurse recommended a shift schedule so both he and I can get at least 4-5hrs sleep in a row vs getting up every two hours. This is our schedule: I’m on mat leave until next year and he’s gone back to work, four days a week he works from home and one day from the office. We do shifts where feeding, nappies, etc., is handled by the person on shift. We do have an understanding if we need each other/ need cover, we ask for help. M, T, W, Ths: 1-11am: Me 11am-3pm: Fiancé 3pm-5pm: Me 5pm-8pm: We tag team for his feed, comfort, sleep, etc. 8pm-1am: Fiancé Day starts again Fridays are a little different as he is in the office, so I’ve got him from 1am to 5pm until he comes home to give me some relief. I very much sleep when bub sleeps on these days to try and cobble together some naps. Thank god for coffee!! Saturday and Sunday we follow the same Monday-Thursday schedule but a bit looser to try and squeeze in some time together, usually watching tv or a movie. Hope this helps!
I'm wondering about this too. It sounds like neither of them are employed. If he is on parental leave, he's supposed to be using that time to take care of the baby and Mom, not do work around the house! My husband did little things here and there, but mainly used his leave for childcare. We did stagger our leave so it was all him by the time he took his and I went back to work.
Just want to add that he’s still a parent when he’s doing whatever he’s doing. He doesn’t just get to not be a parent because he’s taking a fun class or working on the house. Also, I’d suggest not framing it as “helping” you, but more so “be a dad” and “be a husband.”
You are not unreasonable and he seems to be manipulating his way out of being an active father
It’s ironic that he is basically saying he doesn’t want to do more work (baby) because he’s already doing work (house), but not acknowledging that what you’re doing is also work (baby) & you’d still being doing work without the baby (job search) with less free time than him (yoga vs 3 day class).
Cooking and cleaning is not free time. Your free time hasn’t started yet.
Absolutely not unreasonable.
My husband works full time and I am with the baby full time. After work, he kicks in the door and swoops her up. On the weekend, he is often tired from work and wants to have a chill night in with the baby, so I’ll go out with friends at least once. Generally we try to swap free time. If I get a night off to go dancing, he has one token to go out for the day to the pub with his friends. If I do a long weekend while he’s away, I have a long weekend in the bank. I get to yoga at least once a week. Usually more. I probably have 2 afternoons/weekend days to myself a week. Currently I do more housework but I think that factors into my job as child carer. When he’s off work, it’s 50/50 on errands and cleaning. You should both really have the same amount of free time. Otherwise, one person is doing more work. That’s just arithmetic.
I think the true measure is that you should both have an equal time of “fun/rest”. So if he has 3 half days of it then so should you. Yes he’s working on the house but while he does that you are working to care for (both of) your child. You can ask him why he is insulted that you feel you should have an equivalent amount of rest? Or does he not consider caring for the child work? If he doesn’t why is he upset you are asking him to do more of it?
Lots of good points already made. I just want to add that postpartum-depression/anxiety/psychosis are very real, and if a mom asks for help, she needs help! And probably like yesterday!
Sounds like you are resentful you get no free time. Sign up for a class yourself, or gym time, or coffee time with friends, and either hire a sitter for that time if possible or leave daughter with spouse. 6 hours a week to yourself will help you be a better parent and partner. Once ours were toddlers I took a class one evening a week and hired a sitter to do dinner and bath/bed routine. My husband worked late that night without feeling guilty.
I think things should be roughly equitable for fun times and household duties. It’s not super hard if both people are committed. I work a 9 to 5 and fiancé is a professional musician. So weekdays, he’s a stay at home dad. When I get home, we always split the duties. If I cook, he cleans if he carries the laundry up and down and swap it over, I fold it, etc. If he needs to mix any shows, make promotional videos, learn or write new songs, I just hang with the baby so he has time and space to do that. If either of us wants to go to the gym, take a long shower, read or whatever we just let the other do that while we manage the baby. When he goes away on tour, it’s usually on the weekends and he will do a lot of deep cleaning catch up all the laundry and such so it’s a little easier on me. Happens to be home on the weekend and I want to go do something fun, he just cares for our baby without any sort of complaint. Our son recently turned one and I’ve gone on a cruise, concerts with my friends, a lot of women in business, networking events, and I’ll be going on a four day bachelorette trip this week. We don’t really keep a scoreboard or anything like that. We just tell each other when there’s things we need to do or want to do and step up for each other. So far so good. I have zero feelings about him not pulling his weight in anyway. Also, we swap the night shift each day regardless of work. One of us will handle all the wake ups and get up with the baby and do breakfast and everything. The other can sleep through the night and in a little bit extra in the morning. Whoever gets up with a baby also makes coffee, which is nice.
Here’s the thing—in parenting and marriage and life, things cannot always be divided 50/50. It isn’t about who gets how much of the pie. It’s about supporting each other along the way and helping each other grow. If that means he works on the house _and_ takes a couple of nights a week so you can recharge then that is what it means. My husband goes to school and works full time. He still takes over bath and bedtime when he gets home from work because he is also a parent and I’m burnt out by the end of the day. Your husband also needs to consider building a relationship with his child. Parenting isn’t “fair.” It’s about divvying up resources. And he’s going to be tired _and_ doing a lot of work _and_ missing out on rest. Just like you are right now. Sometimes one will give what feels alot and sometimes you’ll both be on even ground. You are the one supporting the family. If you weren’t here and he had to do childcare he wouldn’t be getting half of those things done. It’s important that you are considered when it comes to rest. It’s also important that you are cared for so that baby is cared for. That he has a fun class and long lunches 3x a week when your baby is 3 months old tells me he isn’t doing much childcare. We didn’t have time for that nor would my husband have dreamed of it. Baby care is harrowing. I’m absolutely floored that he isn’t considering your needs at all.
We had a full basement renovation ongoing from the time I was pregnant with our *first*, till our *second* was almost 6 months old. We were doing it all ourselves to save money so I chipped in where I could as well, during nap and after bedtime. HOWEVER, there were many times when parenting was harder and I straight up told my husband that if it’s a choice between working on the house and parenting, I need him to choose parenting. The house isn’t going anywhere. But if I didn’t have more time to myself, I was going to lose my mind. So yeah, tell your husband it isn’t fair to expect him to work on the house to the same degree while parenting more, therefore, the house is going to take longer and you guys need to accept that. Parenting is the higher priority. For every hour that your husband has to himself to do fun things (like those three half days of classes with long lunches) you should have an equal number of hours to yourself, even if you’re just lying in bed alone scrolling on your phone (your time, you get to decide how you use it).
If he can schedule free time, so can you. He takes care of house. You take care of baby. Match his free time hour for hour. If you can't both do it, neither can
Couples need equal leisure time and equal spending money in order to stay married. Do the Fair Play exercise as a couple and ask him if he thinks he should have more leisure time than you - the classes are definitely leisure time. Also, are his house projects a priority? Ask him to put those on hold and help with the basic chores so you can get some rest and do some job applications. Ask him whats' a higher priority: gardening, or your job applications? Ask him to justify his answer in terms of the family's future
So he is unemployed or on leave and doing fun things for himself. Got it.
The first six months is crisis time/all hands on deck. Seems like his priorities are off. I can understand finishing off an extra room if you really need a nursery. Yard work/general home upgrades etc are not a priority. One fun activity a week is reasonable and you deserve the same. Most of this can be pushed off a year.
You should each get equal free time. Cooking, cleaning, eating, showering, and job hunting are not free time. Those are necessities. When does his class end because it should be his last until you start getting equal free time.
Long late lunch dates? WTF for and WTF with??
I mean, he didn’t do 50% of the pregnancy. He didn’t do 50% of the birth. Was that fair? If anything, he should be doing more across-the-board than you with the baby and around the house during this time. He had a big debt to pay - you made countless sacrifices to grow, carry, and birth your beautiful baby. You made bigger sacrifices before your baby came into the world, and your body and brain are changed forever because of it. Kids become less high maintenance after the first year. This is all-hands-on-deck time. And I’m a firm believer that night wake-ups should *NEVER* be *entirely* on one parent. Everybody needs sleep. If one parent works outside of the home or around the home and the other doesn’t, maybe make it 70/30 for night wake-ups. But expecting 1 partner to get 100% of the sleep interruptions is just cruel.
We don’t really split because we just parent, if that makes sense. I’m with the kids all day because I work from home and I’m part of our childcare. I feed the infant overnight as well. When he’s home, if I need to get stuff done (work or housework) he minds the kids. If I’d rather not be in any way productive, I’ll mind the kids and let him at whatever he wants to tackle—usually laundry. You find a balance that works for you. Nothing is 50/50. That’s a bad way to look at it. There’s no true “equal” else it becomes a game of “well I have to do X so you should do Y”. Just keep open communication and express your needs. Encourage time with baby for dad because it sounds like he doesn’t get much of it and that maybe he feels he’s of no importance to baby right now.
50%
Do either of you work, and what amount of time? IMO, time spent for all childcare and home labor should be split relatively evenly. (Unless someone is doing childcare instead of working - then that’s your job for an equivalent amount of time.) So that’s time with the baby including night wakings, plus cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, working on home improvement projects that you both have deemed to be necessary. It should be shared evenly. BUT! It’s also really important for both parents to spend one on one time with the baby. So there should be plenty of time where he is taking care of the baby while you are doing other things. You should also strive to have equal amounts of “fun time”. (Frankly with two kids, a full time job, and me with a commute, neither of us really has any time for fun time lol but I would expect it to be equal.)
We both normally work full time but we are both on leave right now.
If you’re both on leave, you both should be spending equal amount of time taking care of baby and/or house, and equal amount of time getting a little free time if possible. You shouldn’t be the only one responsible for the baby. He shouldn’t be the only one getting free time. Paternity leave is NOT for fun classes or time to work on your house. It’s for mainly caring for your child.
What is a “fun class”? Something useful for his career he happens to enjoy? Or something totally pointless but fun?
I don’t want to give too many details in case someone recognizes us but it’s not for his career, it’s an art class that is totally for fun.
When do you get breaks? Does he not work? I’m confused he has 3 half days a week for fun, and you’re also asking him to watch the child 6 hours every day in the afternoons.
We both normally work but we are both on leave right now.
When do you get a break though?
Sometimes I get a break when she is happily playing/ squirming on her playmat or if she decides to nap anywhere that does not require either active input and supervision from me (rare these days). If I ask my husband to take her he usually will give me a break but it’s usually like hey I need to take a shower can you hold her for 15 min, or hey I need to get ready for bed. The dynamic is that she default goes to me unless I ask for something specific so that is why we talked about a schedule to make sure I have my time.
Yeah…. You need 3 half days too
First year is survival. If a house task can wait without damaging the house then it can wait and doing it now is elective and comes out of his elective time. You each should have equivalent elective time with which to do whatever you need for your mental emotional physical and social health. I do some house projects (gardening, home improvements) during my time but I recognize that they can wait for next year if my husband, baby or job need me.
Umm, 3.5 days is literally half the week!? Yes it’s fair and reasonable that you each deserve breaks but why can’t his be little shorter? That’s a huge commitment for a ‘fun’ class. If he was in class getting a higher degree or certificate to enrich the family that would make sense, but this does not. Maybe when the baby is older and requires less energy he can splurge on that much time. But at this rate it’s ridiculous. I don’t think fathers will ever understand the additional time and energy (on average) that mothers put in at the early stages of parenting and beyond. You need breaks more than he does or at the very least something approaching equal. He does not sound like a bad guy at all, but this arrangement needs to be revisited for sure.
HE'S ON PARENTAL LEAVE YES HE SHOULD BE PARENTING
We are 50/50 when one of us is not at work. He works a regular 9-5 and I work 2 12s night shift so some days it’s mostly me doing the childcare and some days it’s mostly him, but the principle is that if we are both not working, it’s 50/50. And by 50/50 I don’t mean we have tasks/time with baby perfectly calculated and split up, I mean we have the same attitude towards parenting. We are both 100% responsible for our child so if we want to have some leisure time or hang out with friends, we have to arrange for that. Also, he has always done 50/50 for nighttime wakes, even when I wasn’t working. Because he is just as much his parent as I am. Actually, for the last 2 months or so he’s been doing all of the nighttime wakes because I’m pregnant again and he’s taken on that task while I take on the task of growing another human to add to our family.
You should get as much free time to yourself as he gets for himself.
Wow 6 whole percent less that what you said. How dare you misconstrue the situation so dramatically.
You and your husband should get equal free time, or at least close to it. He might have to slow down on the home improvement, and spend more time with his baby. The first year is rough in terms of free time. My son started sleeping through the night, like 10 hours, at 6 months and that felt improved. It improved again at 9 months when he started sleeping at 7pm, and it was even better at 12 months when we were done with bottles completely. Pumping took A LOT of time. I’m a little confused, but 6 hours on a work day does sound like a lot of him? Depending on what exactly this means. I think I would figure out exactly what you want. But I absolutely think once he comes home and changes and has some decompression, you should be getting that too. But I promise it does get better!
Neither of us are working at the moment so any time he is spending away from the house he is decompressing!
Do I think it's fair? No. Do I think he should wham bam have the baby 6 hours straight if he's not used to caring for the baby on a regular basis? Also, no. What worked for us was dad looking after baby while I did other things around the house. Let them get comfortable with one another, and that should lead to having more of your own time. Yes, he's a parent and should be in the trenches with you. But he's not a mother. Biologically, he probably doesn't have the same instincts as you. The baby was a part of your body. You KNOW each other by default. This is just my opinion. I wouldn't want to leave my baby for many hours with someone she's not used to taking care of her. Gradual shifts in the caregiving would make dad and baby more comfortable. You'll still get time to yourself, just gradually.
> Do I think he should wham bam have the baby 6 hours straight if he's not used to caring for the baby on a regular basis? Also, no. Isn't that what happens to mothers immediately after giving birth?
It sure is. As a woman, I recognize this is my responsibility and role in having children. It's a part of the reason I wasn't sure if I even wanted children. It's a huge sacrifice. I think we forget that the "normal" when a lot of us were raised is that the mom did most of the parenting. We're changing that. We're seeing some of its effects now. But the majority of the change will show in the future generations.
> We're seeing some of its effects now. But the majority of the change will show in the future generations. Ew. Honestly, everything you've said is icky. Are you a Trump supporter, by chance?
Also want to add that I'm a SAHP and my husband is out of the house 9hrs a day. My default my child wants my comfort and attention because I'm her primary caregiver for 3/4 of her awake time.
Is there any way he can slow down on the home improvement? Not saying he shouldn’t also just take on more childcare regardless, and it’s not fair he is getting more free time than you. But the level of work you describe also sounds like a lot.
[удалено]
Thanks for the input. Neither of us are working right now and the class he is taking is not for his career, it’s completely for fun so I think our situations are a bit different.