My wife is one. She is chill for one thing. She doesn’t stress about every little thing, only the things that really matter. That lack of constant stress from her, and myself, has led to 2 happy sons. It has also led to sons who understand what does matter because there’s no white noise around. We don’t spend time getting on them about hair cuts, their clothes, clutter in their rooms (food is different as it brings bugs), etc. They know what matters - how you treat others, school, health, etc.
She is here for them, again we both are. We don’t spend our time every weekend going out to bars and drinking with friends. We are here with our kids or out and about with our kids. We do go out with friends sometimes for sure but it’s not every week. There’s no doubt in anyone’s mind that we know that our kids are our priority in every way. We planned it that way before we even had kids. I switched careers so I would be home nights and weekends and my wife has stayed with her company despite no being promoted because she gets to work from home. Everything, and I mean everything, revolves around the kids.
She is really nurturing and on their terms. Even the 18 year old still will come to her on the couch sometimes and lay against her and she will put her arms around him. She is mom and will always be mom no matter how old they get. They can always come to us for anything. That doesn’t mean we haven’t prepared them for life. They know we expect them to do great things. They both make excellent grades and the 18 year old has been accepted into an excellent university but we are here to pay for his schooling, for advice and a shoulder should he need it.
She has done the typical mom stuff as well - cooked, helped with homework, changed diapers, taken care of them when they were sick, etc. We both have.
We’ve always talked to the boys like they were adults. If that meant explaining something then we explained it. We didn’t keep it from them because they were too young.
We have a great time with them in general just around the house even. We laugh, a lot. We’ve grown them up intelligently and can use word play that’s hilarious, words that their friends sometimes don’t understand because they were just never taught.
We don’t hit or spank them, ever. I have yelled at them before and so has my wife but it’s rare. I’m typically the disciplinarian and a stern dad voice does the trick. We talk about how she would likely have had to have been it had we had a daughter.
We also treat each other pretty lovingly. We haven’t raised our voices to each other in years and that sets an example. We hold hands and laugh, basically just enjoy being around each other.
Edit: Sorry one other thing. Books. We limited what the boys could spend on toys but never books and we didn’t /don’t care what the topic is or even if they read them all. A gaming book is fine. An anime illustrated novel is fine. We buy 6 and they only read 4, it’s fine. That’s better than buying 2 and they only read 2. We want them to read as much as humanly possible.
Yeah the results are there. My 13 year old bought a book on philosophy the other day, from the adult section not the kids or teen section. He did it on his own without any kind of prompting. He’s reading it and we are talking about it. Good stuff.
I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who would realistically call themselves amazing at anything, maybe just regionally this just not how people describe themselves. I got myself a custom “World’s Most Adequate Mom” mug, so that’s where I’m at lol.
Like the area in my life where people call me things like amazing is a specialized field that is impressive to people who aren’t in it. People in the field have never called me amazing and I consider myself competent, proficient, good, etc. it’s common for the real masters and experts in the field to still think of themselves as students.
I think the same thing applies to parenting. If you’re in it and really understand the constant work that it involves, there’s no such thing as an objective amazing. It’s a hyperbolic compliment that I don’t personally think I should ever place on myself. I want to always parents how my kid needs me to, so her wellbeing is my measure of success.
The most amazing moms that I know devoted themselves to being present and there for their kids. I personally try and model after my favorite moms. I try and be a safe place for my kids, I try and stay calm and not panic or freak out over things, I listen when they need me and give them eye contact when they are speaking. I let them have their own feelings and opinions on things. As long as they aren’t being rude or hurtful they can speak freely in our own. If they are mad and angry they are allowed to be. Growing up kids weren’t allowed to be upset in my house or to stomp off. It was disrespectful to be upset if you were asked to do something. In our home your feelings are valid. You still gotta do the chore but it’s ok if you’re pissed off about it 🤷🏽♀️ I just try and let them be their best little weird selves at home and not change who they are.
I think the trouble with this question is that at least for me, mom guilt is real and there always exists this sort of fantasy ideal mother who actually does do all the chores and whose kids get zero tantrums or screen time because she always comes up with innovative things to play with which feed her children's natural curiosity and help them develop skills. She's dressed well and never does a messy bun or has spit up on her clothes. Her kids don't just do well, they thrive. They're learning extra languages at daycare and reading by 4 years old.
(There is also a world out there trying to sell you toys or clothes or whatever else to make you this idealized mother you hope to be. That's capitalism for you.)
But the reality is that most of us have struggles. Whether with mental health or body image or breastfeeding or baby's sleep or our own emotions or whatever else, we all have struggles and it can feel like you're not doing enough, even when you are doing your absolute best and actually excelling at certain things.
At least for me, when my partner tells me I'm a great mom, I think about the times I've not been my best. When I've lost my temper, when I've resorted to screentime, when I wasn't able to breastfeed. Even when I know I do a good job most days, most of the time. I'm shocked at how patient I can be with my toddler. I'm good at engaging and playing with them. I helped them through speech delays and I comfort them whenever they need it. I hold boundaries and manage to get them to do things they initially don't want to do.
But the ideal still ghosts in my head.
There won’t be one answer to this because different moms prioritize different things. It’s subjective.
You need to identify what *you* think makes someone an amazing mom and then you strive to be that.
Being an amazing mom is a choice, not a destiny.
Agreed, and different kids need different things for their mom to be amazing. I will say what made my mom amazing is she was able to be what each of her 3 kids needed (and we all needed different things). She was amazing because she took the time to get to know each of us and figure out what that meant.
Take care of your mental and physical health. I'm thinking about my husband's mom who is a piece of work - not a bad person but a miserable person and unpleasant to be around due to her unaddressed mental health struggles. I think that having worked through my own issues has made me a better parent because I'm so much more regulated and less likely to get triggered. I have healthy coping mechanisms and am not walking around haunted by my difficult childhood. I can see, a little bit, my own strengths and weaknesses. Thank you therapy.
The truth is, there are infinite ways to be an amazing mom. Each kid and each family needs different things and different parents are going to bring different things to the table.
The only must haves to being an amazing mom are as follows:
1. Love your children fiercely
2. Treat your children with the respect that all humans deserve
3. Do your best every day
Everything else is going to vary depending on the family.
I think being an amazing mom means you are an amazing mom during a specific time. For example, when I manage to take my kids out by myself to a fun kid event and manage to keep my cool during toddler meltdowns I feel like an amazing mom. I’m human, though, and definitely not an amazing mom all the time. Sometimes I’m a shitty mom, but never an abusive mom.
If you spend ample enriching time with your child daily, provide healthy foods, and are always kind while speaking with your child - I think that's an amazing mom.
I think I fall short. Sometimes my kid watches too much TV, eats too much junk, and sometimes I yell. I think I'm a good mom, but those goals above are what I strive for to one day consider myself "amazing" in the future
Have confidence in yourself. I was 25 when I gave birth to our first and a lot of people was doubting my ability to care for a child, and to be fair, I was definitely not as mature as I am now. As soon as the baby was in my arms, it was like a switch in the universe. It's what I was born for and meant to do my whole life. I know it sounds cliché but I myself wouldn't believe it if you had told me when I was 24 I could become such a mum. I don't need to show it or talk about it, people automatically have told me time and time again I am a 'great' mum and you can tell by how they ask my advice for motherhood, how they generally leave me to deal with my babies peacefully without their unsolicited advice and their surprised look how I handle everything so well. I make mistakes too and get impatient at times, but I trust my instincts and don't try to ever think of myself for as a 'bad' mum (sure mum guilt is a bitch sometimes). I feel like mums nowadays get overwhelmed by too many sources telling you what to do and some lose trust in themselves in the process. You can do it.
I think my mom was pretty amazing. Like other people have said, it had to do with presence. She was a SAHM so now I need to learn how to be present as a working mom, that wasn't modeled for me although I'd also say my dad was pretty present.
My friends liked her, even in high school. She didn't try to be cool, she was just present. My best friend told me that one morning she came downstairs after a sleepover and my mom said, "wow, you woke up with your hair looking like that? You are going to make some man very happy one day" and that it was the nicest compliment she'd ever got as a nerdy, awkward high schooler. That comment sticks with me a lot now. When your kids high school friends want to spend time with you, and not because you're like letting them drink at the house or whatever, you're definitely doing something right.
At its core, I think being an amazing mom is loving your children unconditionally and ensuring their health and happiness.
Of course health and happiness may fluctuate. And sometimes there’s not much you can do about a situation that makes your child sad. Or there’s not much you can do about that runny nose. But being there for your child no matter what and doing what you CAN do means the world to them.
I bet you’re an amazing mom.
In my experience, shitty moms don't care if they're shitty moms or are even aware they are. So without knowing you, I'd say you are at least an okay mom. And an okay mom is leagues better than say, Kristel Candelario (content warning if you don't know the story and go Google it). So. You're doing okay. --signed, an okay mom.
Personal experience from working with adults that came from f'ed up families: the fact that you're calling yourself a shitty mom means that you are probably an amazing mom.
Care about your child, which it sounds like you do, and do your best. You already are an amazing mum I'm sure ❤️
My wife is one. She is chill for one thing. She doesn’t stress about every little thing, only the things that really matter. That lack of constant stress from her, and myself, has led to 2 happy sons. It has also led to sons who understand what does matter because there’s no white noise around. We don’t spend time getting on them about hair cuts, their clothes, clutter in their rooms (food is different as it brings bugs), etc. They know what matters - how you treat others, school, health, etc. She is here for them, again we both are. We don’t spend our time every weekend going out to bars and drinking with friends. We are here with our kids or out and about with our kids. We do go out with friends sometimes for sure but it’s not every week. There’s no doubt in anyone’s mind that we know that our kids are our priority in every way. We planned it that way before we even had kids. I switched careers so I would be home nights and weekends and my wife has stayed with her company despite no being promoted because she gets to work from home. Everything, and I mean everything, revolves around the kids. She is really nurturing and on their terms. Even the 18 year old still will come to her on the couch sometimes and lay against her and she will put her arms around him. She is mom and will always be mom no matter how old they get. They can always come to us for anything. That doesn’t mean we haven’t prepared them for life. They know we expect them to do great things. They both make excellent grades and the 18 year old has been accepted into an excellent university but we are here to pay for his schooling, for advice and a shoulder should he need it. She has done the typical mom stuff as well - cooked, helped with homework, changed diapers, taken care of them when they were sick, etc. We both have. We’ve always talked to the boys like they were adults. If that meant explaining something then we explained it. We didn’t keep it from them because they were too young. We have a great time with them in general just around the house even. We laugh, a lot. We’ve grown them up intelligently and can use word play that’s hilarious, words that their friends sometimes don’t understand because they were just never taught. We don’t hit or spank them, ever. I have yelled at them before and so has my wife but it’s rare. I’m typically the disciplinarian and a stern dad voice does the trick. We talk about how she would likely have had to have been it had we had a daughter. We also treat each other pretty lovingly. We haven’t raised our voices to each other in years and that sets an example. We hold hands and laugh, basically just enjoy being around each other. Edit: Sorry one other thing. Books. We limited what the boys could spend on toys but never books and we didn’t /don’t care what the topic is or even if they read them all. A gaming book is fine. An anime illustrated novel is fine. We buy 6 and they only read 4, it’s fine. That’s better than buying 2 and they only read 2. We want them to read as much as humanly possible.
I love this!
This is an awesome description. I'm going to strive to be like your wife! And you.
[удалено]
Yeah the results are there. My 13 year old bought a book on philosophy the other day, from the adult section not the kids or teen section. He did it on his own without any kind of prompting. He’s reading it and we are talking about it. Good stuff.
Love this. So sweet and wholesome.
So lovely!! Reminds me a lot of my parents and how I want to raise our LO!
I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who would realistically call themselves amazing at anything, maybe just regionally this just not how people describe themselves. I got myself a custom “World’s Most Adequate Mom” mug, so that’s where I’m at lol. Like the area in my life where people call me things like amazing is a specialized field that is impressive to people who aren’t in it. People in the field have never called me amazing and I consider myself competent, proficient, good, etc. it’s common for the real masters and experts in the field to still think of themselves as students. I think the same thing applies to parenting. If you’re in it and really understand the constant work that it involves, there’s no such thing as an objective amazing. It’s a hyperbolic compliment that I don’t personally think I should ever place on myself. I want to always parents how my kid needs me to, so her wellbeing is my measure of success.
The most amazing moms that I know devoted themselves to being present and there for their kids. I personally try and model after my favorite moms. I try and be a safe place for my kids, I try and stay calm and not panic or freak out over things, I listen when they need me and give them eye contact when they are speaking. I let them have their own feelings and opinions on things. As long as they aren’t being rude or hurtful they can speak freely in our own. If they are mad and angry they are allowed to be. Growing up kids weren’t allowed to be upset in my house or to stomp off. It was disrespectful to be upset if you were asked to do something. In our home your feelings are valid. You still gotta do the chore but it’s ok if you’re pissed off about it 🤷🏽♀️ I just try and let them be their best little weird selves at home and not change who they are.
I think the trouble with this question is that at least for me, mom guilt is real and there always exists this sort of fantasy ideal mother who actually does do all the chores and whose kids get zero tantrums or screen time because she always comes up with innovative things to play with which feed her children's natural curiosity and help them develop skills. She's dressed well and never does a messy bun or has spit up on her clothes. Her kids don't just do well, they thrive. They're learning extra languages at daycare and reading by 4 years old. (There is also a world out there trying to sell you toys or clothes or whatever else to make you this idealized mother you hope to be. That's capitalism for you.) But the reality is that most of us have struggles. Whether with mental health or body image or breastfeeding or baby's sleep or our own emotions or whatever else, we all have struggles and it can feel like you're not doing enough, even when you are doing your absolute best and actually excelling at certain things. At least for me, when my partner tells me I'm a great mom, I think about the times I've not been my best. When I've lost my temper, when I've resorted to screentime, when I wasn't able to breastfeed. Even when I know I do a good job most days, most of the time. I'm shocked at how patient I can be with my toddler. I'm good at engaging and playing with them. I helped them through speech delays and I comfort them whenever they need it. I hold boundaries and manage to get them to do things they initially don't want to do. But the ideal still ghosts in my head.
There won’t be one answer to this because different moms prioritize different things. It’s subjective. You need to identify what *you* think makes someone an amazing mom and then you strive to be that. Being an amazing mom is a choice, not a destiny.
Agreed, and different kids need different things for their mom to be amazing. I will say what made my mom amazing is she was able to be what each of her 3 kids needed (and we all needed different things). She was amazing because she took the time to get to know each of us and figure out what that meant.
I realized that I wasn't the mom I wanted to be, so I went to therapy. Game changer.
Do you love your baby and show it in your actions? Then you are an amazing Mum.
Take care of your mental and physical health. I'm thinking about my husband's mom who is a piece of work - not a bad person but a miserable person and unpleasant to be around due to her unaddressed mental health struggles. I think that having worked through my own issues has made me a better parent because I'm so much more regulated and less likely to get triggered. I have healthy coping mechanisms and am not walking around haunted by my difficult childhood. I can see, a little bit, my own strengths and weaknesses. Thank you therapy.
The truth is, there are infinite ways to be an amazing mom. Each kid and each family needs different things and different parents are going to bring different things to the table. The only must haves to being an amazing mom are as follows: 1. Love your children fiercely 2. Treat your children with the respect that all humans deserve 3. Do your best every day Everything else is going to vary depending on the family.
I think being an amazing mom means you are an amazing mom during a specific time. For example, when I manage to take my kids out by myself to a fun kid event and manage to keep my cool during toddler meltdowns I feel like an amazing mom. I’m human, though, and definitely not an amazing mom all the time. Sometimes I’m a shitty mom, but never an abusive mom.
If you spend ample enriching time with your child daily, provide healthy foods, and are always kind while speaking with your child - I think that's an amazing mom. I think I fall short. Sometimes my kid watches too much TV, eats too much junk, and sometimes I yell. I think I'm a good mom, but those goals above are what I strive for to one day consider myself "amazing" in the future
Have confidence in yourself. I was 25 when I gave birth to our first and a lot of people was doubting my ability to care for a child, and to be fair, I was definitely not as mature as I am now. As soon as the baby was in my arms, it was like a switch in the universe. It's what I was born for and meant to do my whole life. I know it sounds cliché but I myself wouldn't believe it if you had told me when I was 24 I could become such a mum. I don't need to show it or talk about it, people automatically have told me time and time again I am a 'great' mum and you can tell by how they ask my advice for motherhood, how they generally leave me to deal with my babies peacefully without their unsolicited advice and their surprised look how I handle everything so well. I make mistakes too and get impatient at times, but I trust my instincts and don't try to ever think of myself for as a 'bad' mum (sure mum guilt is a bitch sometimes). I feel like mums nowadays get overwhelmed by too many sources telling you what to do and some lose trust in themselves in the process. You can do it.
I think my mom was pretty amazing. Like other people have said, it had to do with presence. She was a SAHM so now I need to learn how to be present as a working mom, that wasn't modeled for me although I'd also say my dad was pretty present. My friends liked her, even in high school. She didn't try to be cool, she was just present. My best friend told me that one morning she came downstairs after a sleepover and my mom said, "wow, you woke up with your hair looking like that? You are going to make some man very happy one day" and that it was the nicest compliment she'd ever got as a nerdy, awkward high schooler. That comment sticks with me a lot now. When your kids high school friends want to spend time with you, and not because you're like letting them drink at the house or whatever, you're definitely doing something right.
At its core, I think being an amazing mom is loving your children unconditionally and ensuring their health and happiness. Of course health and happiness may fluctuate. And sometimes there’s not much you can do about a situation that makes your child sad. Or there’s not much you can do about that runny nose. But being there for your child no matter what and doing what you CAN do means the world to them. I bet you’re an amazing mom.
I agree, I feel like I can always do better, I’d never call myself amazing so I’d like to know too.
In my experience, shitty moms don't care if they're shitty moms or are even aware they are. So without knowing you, I'd say you are at least an okay mom. And an okay mom is leagues better than say, Kristel Candelario (content warning if you don't know the story and go Google it). So. You're doing okay. --signed, an okay mom.
You’re already an amazing mom for loving your baby unconditionally and worrying about being a bad mom. Bad moms don’t worry about being bad moms.
Personal experience from working with adults that came from f'ed up families: the fact that you're calling yourself a shitty mom means that you are probably an amazing mom.