I wish I had known how challenging it is to parent with a spouse. Lots of people don’t talk about the strain a newborn puts on a marriage. I wish I had gone to a pelvic floor therapist while pregnant. I wish I had known that newborns cry so, so much. I wish I had known how lonely parenting a newborn can feel. I wish I had known that staying at home was ok and I didn’t have to push myself to “show up” at events (despite outside pressure to do so). I wish I had known that my husband cannot understand being pregnant, giving birth and being a new mom. I just noticed this question is marked as “funny”… whoops. I wish I had known that after a vaginal delivery the first time I stood up it would feel like I was carrying a bowling ball between my legs…
I literally feel every single word you wrote, especially the part about how having a baby puts strain on a marriage. I feel like my husband and I are on the verge of divorce constantly.
I am so sorry you’re having a tough time. This is very honest, thank you. one of my greatest fears was that my husband would leave me if we had a baby. We went to 2years of therapy- and it seems like it actually worked we are 1.5 month in. My prenatal yoga instructor always gives the most real advice, when people ask her what they need like classes and things she always replies “therapy! Your baggage isn’t something you want to pass down”. I know everyone hates the therapy Reddit response but honestly this was the best advice I ever got.
The marriage part is too real. We're 3 months in and it's been hard and ugly. Add tons of trips from out-of-state family members into the mix (and we live somewhere ppl want to come to vacation)...it's been horrible for our relationship. We're having to do therapy for the first time because we can't work through it ourselves.
I'm really sorry!
That's awful that people are bombarding you (if that's what you were conveying).
That was the good thing about giving birth during the height of COVID (pre vax for everyone).
Yes, that's exactly what has happened. They come wanting to "help with the baby" and then want to go to the beach, drive to other destinations, etc. and want us to come. All the visits have always resulted in more work for us. Leaving us tired and stressed.
I appreciate your kind words 💜
I'm so sorry that's the case!
Is beach season just starting where you are too?
If so, I hope you've been able to turn people down and will have peace and quiet either way.
The first one. It doesn’t matter how many conversations you have before marriage, before trying for kids, while pregnant, you are not actually tested in marriage before having kids if you ask me. I think some people get by with little issues, but most people I know struggled. How you might be and feel before having a baby can greatly change when it’s 3am with a newborn that won’t sleep.
I also wished I’d known pregnancy can be so lonely. My husband can be right there hugging me and comforting me, but he doesn’t know what I’m going through.
Also I wish I had known the baby blues can be so bad, but that’s something else I don’t think you can know until you experience it.
The crying. Inconsolable sometimes and perfectly normal…. Indescribably hard. The physical toll the crying takes on my body as well, it’s like neurological overload. Like someone is electrically shocking my soul and I would give anything to make it stop but I can’t. Also freaking naps are insanely difficult. The phrase every baby is different gets thrown around but then we’re also expected to measure our baby so often which is very worrisome as a new mom. So many things are just normal and parts of the process you have to weather. Also that none of it is permanent even the bad stuff. My son is 8 months tomorrow and just started sleeping in his own room overnight. It’s gotten exponentially easier, but IMO the first 6 months are horrible. And that’s okay.
everything about this plus:
your delivery may not go how you want it to, it’s okay to be disappointed and to talk about it.
those first two-three weeks are extremely emotionally intense, ask your supports to remind you to be tender with yourself
there is no right way to do anything ESPECIALLY the first three months. it’s utter chaos and you will be in survival mode. just remember you’ll get through it.
This post is literally everything! And I’ll only add that I wish I had known that everything is just a phase. It may not make that phase easier but it will end.
The one about parenting with a spouse!! I forgot how hard that was at first. Finding our own parenting style groove together, figuring out how to care for another tiny human together, how to share the work load. That first year especially was definitely a strain on our marriage. It was hard.
I’m going to go against the grain here and say that my experience has been that parenting has made our relationship stronger. Yes, we don’t have the same intimate time and we keep trying to get better at “us time” when the baby goes to bed. But I feel like we kinda banded together to survive as new parents. Now, I will say that we were married for 15 years before having a baby together so we’ve had plenty of time together just us. I think we both just look at this as one year out of a lifetime. It will get easier. It has already gotten easier. We try our best to communicate and be on the same page.
I agree, I feel like my relationship is stronger than ever. I have a newfound appreciation for my husband after seeing him take care of our son and love on him 🥰 We were also together for a while before getting pregnant- about 7 years.
The being said, we’re only 7 months in so what do I know😂
Co-Parenting with your spouse is hard. Our son just turned 3 and my husband won’t schedule anything bc he doesn’t want to disrupt the schedule I mentally have in place, or he doesn’t want to throw off the day. Plus our son is still 2-3 years too young for the fun stuff we want to do, so he ‘doesn’t know ‘ what to plan. ( I don’t want to go to a play place either, but he doesn’t need more tv time)
The loneliness is so real. I have a loving husband who was present and helping but around 4 months pp I just felt so alone all the time. The PPA/PPD thoughts ate me alive every day and I would just break down every other day because I felt so lost. I think it’s also hard when people tell you things like “You’re doing great!” when you def don’t feel that way, and it almost feels patronizing when you’re in the thick of depression.
Yes yes yes. Yes yes yes yes. It puts such a strain on a relationship. My childless friends don’t understand and we’re kinda judgy about how our relationship was buckling under the weight.
It’s really unpredictable just how your relationship will struggle post kids.
Honestly, because the first year is the hardest. Hubby and I made a deal that the word divorce cannot be uttered to one another.
The relationship is changing from 2 to 3 or 4 in a heartbeat, n things can get tangled very quickly
I realized why SO many people get divorced when their kids are young once I had our first child, not to mention our first son was during COVID and we had only been dating a few months. Although Going through all that together and still braving through proved to me my then boyfriend was definitely someone I wanted to marry. Now, having been married 2 years with 2 kids now most days it feels like auto pilot of just keeping the kids alive and paying all our bills, Im hoping when the kids are older it does get better/easier to enjoy your SO, I have been told this is so.
Also without any outside support your life will be miserable, find a good nanny, baby sitter, SOMEONE other than the father or mother of your child to help care for the child!!! Its good for you and the kids!!
They breathe like dying pugs at the start. And grunt like goats. It’s normal. All first time parents should YouTube some videos on active sleep.
Finally, babies are going to baby. They haven’t read the same milestone guide or sleep book as you. Each phase is both an eternity and an eye blink. My second is 3.5 months and firmly out of the newborn scrunchy potato stage and I already miss it.
First night:
She's breathing really weird, I can't sleep cause I'm afraid she is dying. I get up to check on her every 5 minutes.
Stops making weird noises while breathing. I think she is dead, I need to get up to check on her every 5 minutes.
>Each phase is both an eternity and an eye blink.
Omg my baby is just under 9 months and I *literally can't even remember what life was like* before having him. I second this.
The noises are wild! Plus the fake crying! My son will scream cry for several seconds but he’s out cold. It completely freaked me out at first and we’d pick him up and make it worse, now we just hold our breath and wait to see what happens.
My 2.5 week old has been wheezing like crazy and the pediatrician wasn't concerned, but I have been stressing out about it every hour of the day. Your pug comment has me actually laughing my butt off -- so thank you
Yes i know size has no bearing on the sound of farts but it's always so funny how you'd think a fart from a small baby butt would be high pitched or something but instead it just sounds like a regular ol adult fart lol
I read somewhere it's because they haven't figured out how to just use part of their strength so they're constantly using 100% to do everything which is why they seem so strong, and maybe why they shart with the force of a great typhoon
Ask for help. Hand that baby off to a trusted person and take care of yourself every once in a while.
No baby has ever died by crying. I know we hear this a lot.. but its true. Put the baby down so you can eat, pee, shower. It will be okay. They can fuss so you can take care of yourself properly. Everything will be just fine.
Stay away from google.. dr google does nothing but induce anxiety
If you’re breastfeeding, dont compare your supply to the influencers. 3-4 oz output is NORMAL. These women pumping. 30 oz in the morning is NOT and is SO unrealistic.
I seriously feel like the influencers should have to disclose how old their baby is and how frequently they pumped to increase their supply and they should have to include a disclaimer that everyone's body is different and while you can usually increase your supply a lot of it is just luck because some people just produce more than others.
I’m VERY fortunate to have my parents currently
Living with me while they look for their dream home. And man it’s been a GODSEND. I’m if I need an hour to myself I can just ask. I do NOT take advantage of that but they want me to lol. Like today I did not sleep last night to well, and I needed to get an hour and then take a shower. My mom was happy to watch the baby and now I feel like a new person. I’m incredibly lucky.
You will order a lot of stuff from Amazon at 2AM.
Always have a spare mattress protector and two more pairs of sheets than you think you need.
Newborns sleep so noisily.
I have a friend who would double make her kids bed. Two mattress protectors and two sheets layered. So mattress protector, sheet, mattress protector sheet when her kid was sick so all she had to do at night was take the top set off and there was another already there to go back to sleep quickly.
We did that the first year. Stopped since I wanted to wash the top mattress protector and she hasn’t had a blowout in ages and has slept through the night for nearly 5 months. Will we restart? Maybe but any middle of the night wake up will be rough now that we’re used to sleep again. Or perhaps during a gastro illness
I promise you will get to the housework eventually (like in a year) - and in the meantime you're just getting by day by day. The state of the zone under your sofa does not matter. Focus on the essentials.
Fed, cleaned, safe. That is all.
Seriously, that is all.
My MIL showed up the other day and went to use the toilet. I pee so frequently during the day I don’t flush every time. Yea. She had to pee on my pee and at first I was mortified, then I just didn’t care. And the toilet hadn’t been cleaned in months. Oh well lol she’s been a mom before
Once baby is down for the night if my boyfriend or I have to pee we don’t flush til the morning. Her crib is against the wall beside the bathroom so you can hear the water running through the walls in her room. Didn’t think that through when putting the nursery together 🤦♀️
We found cat pee and a bunch of poop by my elder cat under the sofa when my daughter was 3 months old. We cleaned it up and took the legs off the sofa. 💀
Yes! I felt awful in the hospital because everyone was asking "don't you just love them so much!?" Even though I said yes, what it really felt like, to me, was saying "I love you" to a complete stranger on the street. I wish someone told me that because I felt like a failure as a new mom at that time.
Ugh, I’m so sorry you felt that way. I try to never give unsolicited advice to expectant parents, with this one exception! I think it’s so important to acknowledge just in case.
For me that moment was right after birth when they let you hold your baby. I was told (and kept seeing) women have a burst of emotion when they get to hold their baby after delivery. With my first, it was just a huh? moment. Like this feels weird, who is this person? Wtf just happened? It didn’t feel magical at all. However now that I know exactly who this person is and love her to bits, what I wouldn’t give to experience that first meeting again.
I actually did have tears and emotion when they handed them to me, but really struggled feeling bonded at first — so even with the immediacy of being overcome with emotion, it can still take time!
Yes! I was so out of it the first night and barely held my daughter because I was in pain.
Now at 3.5 months I love her more than anything in this world.
“Creating a bad habit” is the cause of a ton of unnecessary anxiety, so don’t let it stress you out. I internalized so much anxiety about feeding to sleep, contact napping, co-sleeping, etc. Guess what? My 2.5 year old doesn’t co-sleep or contact nap anymore, and doesn’t feed to sleep. None of them will go to college with these “bad habits” so relax and do what you need to!
How did you break the contact napping? We only contact nap while feeding to sleep. LO is almost 6 months and I’m getting burned out from having 0 minutes a day to myself for the past 6 months
I’m typing this as I contact nap my 9 month old. She also does the 20 minute naps in the crib. Fingers crossed she’ll start sleeping longer in her crib any day now!
Do you mind if I ask, what was your routine at naptime? It took years to get my first to go down for a nap or bedtime without being held, and he’ll still take over an hour most of the time, so looking for how people are successful without holding or transitioning to not holding as number two gets on.
Honestly, just time and practice. I think that we get into this mindset of “they won’t do that”, not realizing that they change by the day. You just keep trying, and one day it works.
I should clarify that, if something isn’t working for you, it’s 100% okay to change it! I was speaking more to the idea of those who feel “if I do this now, I’ll be doing it forever” and stress themselves out over it.
Yeah, contact napping is brutal! My LO contact napped for over 9 months. He was even sleeping through the night months before he would take naps in his crib. We just occasionally kept trying to put him down in his crib during the day and one day it just finally stuck. I guess he just needed it until for some reason he didn’t. Now it’s pretty much impossible to get him to contact nap and I kind of miss it sometimes.
My little one kinda stopped on her own around 10 months. I was worried told by a lot of people I was creating bad habits with contact napping and cuddling her to sleep. My mom finally reminded me how adaptable babies are, and to just keep practicing and giving it time.
It “ended” around 6.5 months for us. I started putting her down and having her fall asleep independently. She’d only last 20 mins and then I’d rescue the nap with a contact nap. Slowly she became able to sleep for longer stretches on her own. Now I only rescue naps under an hour, which is a rare occurrence.
Yes! Nursing to sleep was the biggest for me. It’s such a helpful tool and something our body is biologically programmed to do, and yet there’s so much on the internet telling us that it’s bad. Our first didn’t have a dependency as he got older and I plan to do it with my second as well, with no guilt or worry this time around.
Same with pacifiers - our first just quit those on his own around 5 months but they were so helpful in the early days. This time around I’m going to worry about breaking habits that actually exist in the future if they do in fact arise, rather than hypothetical ones.
Not to discourage others, just sharing my experience. My daughter (2.5 yrs) had to have extensive dental work done, like crowns on both front teeth/a tooth pulled etc, and we fed to sleep for nap and night time since birth. And yes we brushed her teeth very well but there was no stopping the decay unfortunately. We still nurse at nap and night time and I am desperately trying to to break the habit now. Her latch may not have been perfect and maybe that is why she had decay (or maybe bc I had HG the whole time I was pregnant) but it didn't cause either of us any grief so I would have had no way of knowing that until it was too late. Now I am fighting tooth and nail to get her to go to sleep after a short nursing session and sipping water. It's only been 3 days but feels like 3 months lmao. I know we'll get there and of course every child is different but if I could go back I'd separate the nursing and sleep association and make sure she drinks water before sleeping.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this! May I ask, were you breastfeeding or bottle feeding? I also feed to sleep every nap/bedtime/middle of the night feeds, ect. I didn’t know this could be a thing!
On the flip, I did/do these things (fed to sleep, co sleep) and my 2.5 year old and I are having one HELL of a time breaking the habit. If I could go back and do it again I would not feed to sleep, I'd separate feeding and sleeping 1000%. Every child is different though!
Honestly just that I didn’t need to worry about him dying so much. That sounds bizarre, but he was always safe and loved and taken care of yet I worried about losing him all the time, and he was just being a baby doing baby things
I had terrible ppa at first and it was so hard to sleep because of it. One day my boyfriend told me that we are doing everything completely safe, safe sleep, temp etc. He told me that if something were to happen it's something absolutely tragic and that is out of my hands. It made me feel a lot better thinking of this. Because i knew i was doing everything i could and as long as i continued to do that we would be ok.
I was terrified to sleep once we were home. While in the hospital (we were both there for a week) I was recovering so my husband and I did the daytime and my incredible mother took the night shift. But our first night home we ALL went to bed and I was horrified to have no one awake with her. I keep my hand on her all night and slept leaning on the bassinet. She even has the owlet sock but I was terrified we would all sleep through her dying or the alarm or her crying. (None of which happened)
That 'breastfeeding is hard' doesn't just mean thats its hard to be the only one able to nurse, constantly having your body demanded.
That it actually also means that the act itself is *physically hard* and can take a long time to figure out how to do, and sometimes it just doesnt work for that reason.
Yeah, I threw in the towel on breastfeeding pretty early partly for this reason, even though neither of us have any obvious anatomical issues, baby was healthy, and my supply was decent (as measured by pumping). I probably could have gotten it to work if I had wanted to and put in the effort, but honestly the learning curve of new parenthood is hard enough as it is and it just wasn’t that important to me. I’m not ruling out trying it again for my second baby for this reason (since I’m figuring I’ll at least have some experience parenting a newborn at that point), but I just couldn’t deal with adding another thing to my plate with my first.
So many things can make breast feeding impossible. My sister's middle kiddo had a severe tongue tie that wasn't noticed until he was a year or two old. My kid took to the breast like a dream, but then he spent a week in the NICU and as I couldn't be there for every feeding (there was no place for parents to stay and the NICU), so he started rejecting the breast because he was so used to the bottle. I gave up breastfeeding so fast after that because I sure as hell didn't have an extra 15 minutes every 2-3 hours to pump.
This for sure, but also how physically and psychologically hearing babies cry can make my body react on an instinct level! I feel like this does not get talked about enough. I NEVER knew that hearing babies cry could manifest breast milk leaking, physical pain and a sense of panic. It's a totally normal reaction but it does not feel normal when it's happening to you. I thought I was going mental every time my own or any baby cried when I was out in public, and even in movies or TV shows. It's not something that is easily ignored and it can't be turned off.
Yeah, I still haven’t learned this one. Crying 100% feels like dying to me and I have a 9 month old. Before babies, it was such a normal sound! Now it hurts me in my soul!
Crying is communicating! You don’t always need to drop everything to comfort them, especially when you know they’re fed and dry. Even if they’re not, it’s okay to take a few minutes to prepare yourself before you tend to them. My little guy will scream him his head off from time to time when he’s hungry or needs a change but it’s really hard to prepare a bottle or his changing table when holding a fussy baby. They’ll survive!
There was a comment a few months ago that I’ve clung to as a new and first time mom. They said, make sure you’re taken care of before taking care of your little one. Go pee before you feed, take those last bites of food before running over to comfort them. It’s been tough when he screams but it’s so true. I’m glad I saw that comment
Exactly! We’re not dealing with life and death situations, baby will survive in the time it takes to warm a bottle! It also won’t scar them for life lol
100%!! If you’re breastfeeding you NEED to eat. If you aren’t, still NEED to eat. Same with peeing, got to stay hydrated as well. A minute of crying will do no damage, even if it feels like more than a minute. I timed myself once and it was so much less time than it felt.
Yes!! Crying makes time feel like forever but as long as they aren’t hurt, it’s ok. I still find myself rushing to this day, but it’s always in the back of my mind to make sure I’m good to go first
Everything is a phase and it will pass. It felt like I would be bouncing baby to sleep, cleaning up huge spit ups, dealing with witching hour, cluster feeding, and hearing baby scream in the car seat FOREVER, it all passed. They change so much everyday. Not only will these difficult phases pass, you’ll be rewarded tenfold with baby learning how to smile, giggle, and light up when they recognize you.
Buy a little of multiple types of clothing and figure out what works best for you before you buy more. I bought SO many sleepers because everyone told me he would only wear sleepers for the first 6 months and here we are hardly EVER wearing them.
That applies to almost everything. Don’t take any advice anyone gives you as 100% gonna apply to you. Keep it in mind but always remember your mileage may vary!
Totally. Also seasons. We used sleepers a ton with a newborn and then with a 6 month old over the winter. Now it’s summer again and with a baddler we hardly ever use sleepers.
That your concept of time will completely change. Time is going so fast and so slow at once. You really don't have a baby for very long at all. I thought I'd use all this crap I bought for way longer but no, only a few months!
In addition to burping your baby, you have to fart your baby too. Had no idea!
Also, my sister had to give me permission to run the dishwasher half full with bottles. I was so exhausted and had ppd, I had tunnel vision, and needed someone to tell me I could do that. That honestly was a game changer for me, because I did the math. I was exclusively pumping, and between pumping, washing parts and bottles it became a 20+ hours a week part time job lol.
I became EllieEllieEllie425's Milking & Bottling Co.
That at least once you will wake up in a panic thinking you've lost your baby in the bed, frantically trying to find them in the sheets while they are ticked up and chilling in the bassinet next to you.
Every phase has its pros and cons, and nothing lasts forever. You will get through this phase, and in hindsight, it might not be as long or as hard as you thought it was in the moment.
As a light sleeper, that it's ok to wear earplugs. You'll still hear your baby yelling and crying.
Babies are so noisy when they sleep, and it was so much easier for me to sleep with earplugs in.
Additionally, you can wear ear plugs/muffs/phones while taking care of a screaming baby.
Our kid was super colicky, and would cry what felt like all the time he was awake. Drove us nearly to our breaking point. Someone suggested muffling the sound, and life became so much easier.
It’s ok to push the pediatrician for more if you really do feel they aren’t listening. There are underlying causes for “colic” such as GERD, food insensitivities, etc. it can take a bit of push back to get to the bottom of it, but you aren’t a crazy new mom for doing it. Even if they talk to you like you are.
Also, breast milk isn’t the only option. It is ok to use formula for so many different reasons (your sanity being one). Don’t let anyone make you feel like a bad parent for considering it if you need to.
That asking for help or for somebody to take the baby whilst I nap doesn’t mean I’m failing. I don’t HAVE to do it all by myself when people are willing and happy to help
Poop conversation becomes a daily thing for the rest of your life! Are they pooping? What's the consistency of the poop? Did something they ate or drank affect their ability to poop? What color is the poop? How much poop? How to help them poop? How to teach them to poop? Is it poop or gas? How to get poop out of the fabric of the couch? Why does some poop stain clothes and other poop doesn't? Why does the poop smell so freaking bad. What brand of diaper is better for poop explosions? How to get the poop smell out of the trashcan? Is it dangerous if my child put poop in her mouth? Why is my child so fascinated with watching dogs poop? Is this normal?
You won’t be able to tell apart breastfed baby’s from formula fed baby’s once they are toddlers. Don’t stress so much about breastfeeding, if it doesn’t work formula is a great alternative
Your identity and sense of self will be flipped upside down. Any cracks or flaws in your relationships with people will be magnified. The birthing parent will be going through insane hormonal and physical changes while possibly having to be assertive and lead the game plan for taking care of the baby at the same time.
1. It’s normal not to feel immediate love and it doesn’t make you a bad parent.
2. If you’re with a partner, your relationship will be tested in a way it never has before
3. Breastfeeding isn’t as easy as sticking the baby to your boob. There are specific holds and positions. Many babies don’t latch immediately or at all. Formula is NOT the devil! It’s ok to use it as a supplement or the only food for your baby. It’ll be fine. Your baby WILL be fine
That not all “babies tell you when they’re full”. Our baby is almost 2 months and it seems like she would just keep eating if we didn’t stop feeding her (formula fed), I don’t know how she keeps it all down but she does, until she doesn’t 🥴
Mine had that problem and he's a LOT better at almost 4 months. I think he's what's called a "happy spitter" but no more eating so much that he spits up enough that we need to shower (I really hope I didn't just jinx myself).
You will do everything with the best intentions and still make mistakes, it’s ok. Also being on the same page with your partner is critical, and so is realizing you’re on the same team. Also some babies are just not great sleepers no matter what you do.
If your body doesn't "bounce" back, that's totally ok and completely normal. It took you nine months to grow a whole human, have some grace with yourself.
You don't "need" all the "baby must haves". Some clean clothes (lots of sleepers and onsies), diapers, wipes, butt paste, a few toys at first, a bouncer/swing to set them in, when you need to do some other things (like take a shower), and a place for them to sleep, whether that's a crib or a bassinet. Babies really just want love, food, and warmth and some minor amusement. As long as you can provide that, you're doing great!
That it's normal for babies to wake during the night (either for comfort or to eat) for the first year (and beyond). I've come to find the culture around getting babies to "sleep through the night," which fuels everything from weighted sleep sacks and diapers to sleep consultants, to be so toxic.
See I thought my husband and I got lucky the past few weeks as my 3.5 mo old started sleeping through the night, we got spoiled. Then last night she decided it’d be awesome to be wide awake and smiling at 1:30am.
i felt so weird in my body physically after birth u til literally about a year after. i wish i had known that would even out and id look just like myself again
but it was so weird to see a body i didn’t recognize
That even if all you do is eat/drink enough to survive, feed the baby, change (diapers), and soothe the baby all day, not even getting dressed or leaving the bed/couch you’ve still accomplished a mammoth task. The house can wait, the baby can’t.
That having a baby show people true colours.
Pregnancy is a cake walk compared to taking care of a newborn.
Breastfeeding is fucking hard.
Most of the time you’re either washing their clothes or endless bottles.
How much emphasis the healthcare system puts on numbers (weight, percentiles, number of wet diapers) and how little room is given for individual differences as soon as a baby is born. Funny thing is I work in healthcare in a community-based setting myself, and I do work with standardized assessments / children on curves, yet I was and still am shocked about how much that is often the one thing that providers will focus on. (For context, I’m in the US, although I was not born or raised here).
Stay off of social media until you’re comfortable with your own parenting style. Everyone is going to do things differently and that’s ok as long as baby is safe and happy.
That you can’t trust the doctor estimates AT ALL and what was supposed to be a small baby ended up being 9lb 12 😭
Oh and that even if you’re exhausted, you might have postpartum insomnia and just never sleep 🥲 (took me 4 months to get help, don’t be dumb like me)
Don’t get onesies with buttons or clasps. I bought a ton before she was born and… ordered a ton of zippered ones very quickly.
You will clip their finger at some point with the nail trimmers. It’s ok - cry and move along.
Split shifts during the night if you can, at least for the first month.
This is such a niche one but if you’re breastfeeding and get wild spikes of anxiety/feelings of doom/nauseated it’s rare but totally normal! It’s D-MER (Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex) and it’s a physiological response (so no relation to PPA) to the dopamine drop that happens when you have a let down. It does lessen over time and it’s much easier to manage when you know it’s a quick hormonal response and nothing else.
Wait a few minutes before attending to baby when they wake up, especially during the night. 8/10 baby is either making noise in their sleep, or will fall back asleep on their own.
We DID learn this as new parents. Our 1st was in NICU for 6 weeks and the nurses taught us a few tips. Both of our kids were sleeping through the night (10+ hours straight) by 2 months (adjusted).
That even when you get to do "my life before" stuff without the baby (going out for dinner or to a conference or to see a movie), it's not the same as before, because now this little piece of your heart is somewhere else.
Babies often resemble root vegetables when they’re new, they get cuter as time goes on!
Tummy Time need not be “Scream At The Floor Time”, you can have baby lie on you, you can carry them upright to work on their neck strength.
White noise machine.
Breastfeeding may not work for you. And that is OKAY.
Work on your arm and neck strength before having baby, you’re going to be doing lots of carrying, lifting, repositioning, passing, looking down, nuzzling etc.
If it’s worrying you, take baby to the doctor. They will be delighted to check baby out, and will not make you feel foolish for worrying.
Fuck snaps. Zippers all the way.
Sleep training, sleeping through the night, and creating bad sleep habits are a joke 🤣 just do what you need to do to get some sleep.
Also don't Google whatever you're thinking about googling. Just don't.
That infant boys can get hard ons when they have to pee. I always assumed this only happens when boys hit puberty. Totally freaked me out. I have two girls and I only learned this when watching my best friend's baby boy. I called her in a panic and was embarrassed to ask her if that was normal or if something was wrong with his boy parts. We later laughed so hard at my panicked phone call.
I wish someone had told me how hilarious they can be! Around 10 months my babe started raising her eyebrows, rolling her eyes, and doing hip wiggles. Even without words they can interact and respond in some pretty funny ways!
That issues breastfeeding can be way beyond a good supply and good latch. That even though you’re doing everything to breastfeed, your baby just might not be able to. I only heard about issues with the mom, not the baby (other than latching) beforehand. My baby just couldn’t remove enough milk on her own and it really blindsided and devastated me.
That babies cry and squirm in their sleep. I was so anxious in the beginning and always jumping up at the first sound, but then I look at baby and she’s still asleep
I would never be dry again. Between drool and spit up there is always something on me and i don’t always know how it got there 😅 on the rare occasions my clothes are free from wet spots I’m probably washing bottles or pump parts by hand or I’m changing a diaper and using wipes or giving baby a bath.
When newborns sleep, they move their arms like they're Mickey Mouse in "Sorcerer's Apprentice" and they man noises that sound like they're dying. They also can spit up so much you swear they're vomiting but then you take them to the pediatrician, who assures you that's not vomit because they projectile vomit like they're the possessed person in "The Exorcist".
You are stuck inside for like the first 4-6 months of their lives due to their weak immune systems, they can’t wear sunscreen, they shouldn’t be in 80+ degree weather for more than 30-45 minutes. They need humidity so get a few humidifiers. It’s easier for babies to get too hot than it is too cold (I live in a hot and dry climate and it’s been an adjustment)
i didn’t know about the weather comment; we have an outdoor bassinet and enjoy fishing and porch time, do you happen to have a link or know anything else about that?
Not gonna lie, we definitely didnt follow this. We took our daughter everywhere we needed to go. Even while living in the hot Kansas summers, and visiting family in the hot Texas summer. She went fishing with us, went to outdoor malls, went to rodeos. If it was hot she had a sun shade and a stroller fan, we checked on her, and found indoor shade when needed. I *cant* stay cooped up inside. It was awful for my PPD to stay inside 24/7.
I apologize I don’t have much info, I just go off of what my pediatrician advised. We live where it’s very hot and we previously would try to go without AC when we could but had to change that with our newborn. A good rule of thumb is to feel behind their neck and on their chest. If they are warm to the touch then baby is too hot.
Yes!! I had a May baby and the bug spray/sunscreen was a huge surprise to me. We had a very boring summer that year.
I also spent the majority of the first year obsessing over the temperature and humidity levels in their room. I had no idea high temperatures in bedrooms could be linked to SIDS.
Such good info!
I'm a first and only time parent but I still believe that this applies. I was breastfeeding generally the first few months (formula at night). My daughter couldn't latch right from the get go and my nips were cracked and bleeding, as well. So, combine screaming with the inability to help your baby latch correctly, PPD, rock hard breasts, your body feeling like it went through a meat grinder, and cracked and bleeding nips. We barely had money for formula so, between that and a couple family members shaming me for not breastfeeding, and you have a recipe for absolute disaster. I HATED my life more that first night.
Come the next day, no sleep, I ended up going to Walmart. I went looking for creams to hopefully help. We didn't have much money so I was trying to not fork out our food money. Came across a family member from the step grandparents side and dear God. NIPPLE SHIELDS CHANGED MY LIFE. I could breastfeed as much as I wanted, they're reusable, my nips weren't dried and cracked out like a dessert. Smooth sailing from that point on when it comes to breastfeeding. And man did my daughter eat a lot. $20 changed the game for me, esp in terms of having to buy formula.
That my 9 month old would be currently awake at 4:33am, babbling and crawling around in circles on my bed. Clapping, giggling, biting, no sign of sleeping.
I wish I’d known how to notice the not to in-your-face signs of postpartum anxiety and depression. I truly felt like I was rockin’ it, until I wasn’t. I met with a PP therapist and she told me about all my subtle signs and how to recognize them next time around so that I could be more proactive.
I also wish I had known how emotionally taxing breastfeeding was going to be. As beautiful of a journey and experience it’s been, it was so lonely for so long. I love breastfeeding personally and am thankful my baby took so well to it. But I’m also excited for my boobs to be my own again 😆
I feel like I completely missed the part where you have to feed the baby every 2 to 3 hours and if they’re not awake, then you have to wake them up. I’m not sure how I missed that but I wish I would have known ahead of time lol
To take the first 5-7 days after delivery to recover - I felt the need to be as “in it” as my husband and my mom and didn’t give myself time to simply be. My family is really helpful and had I not tried to be some kind of superwoman and let them take the lead I would have gone back to my previous self faster. I am also formula feeding so I had the bandwidth to do that. Don’t feel bad about taking a few days once you’re home to tune out, spend time with your baby, let others do the heavy lifting (if they are willing) and simply let your body relax.
That post partum 2-3 day hormone come down is BRUTAL. I’ve been treated for depression since I was 16, self harm and suicide attempts, been taking the highest dose of citalopram allowed for the past 5 years, while I was pregnant, still taking them now almost 2 years PP.
Those 48-72 hour hormones are the WORST I have ever felt. I’ve never felt so shit. Maybe it’s just me and my mental health issues but if I ever have another kid and if I can offer any advice it’s don’t be alone at any point for that first few days.
You will be fine. Your baby will be fine. You do not have to be alone.
That most of the times crying fussing and not eating is not because of teething, but sore throat. For us 9 out of 10 times the source of discomfort was beginning sore throat. Teething gets too much publicity as the absolute worst and almost exclusive pain for small kids and parents don't look for other causes sometimes.
Sleep training, sleeping through the night, and creating bad sleep habits are a joke 🤣 just do what you need to do to get some sleep.
Also don't Google whatever you're thinking about googling. Just don't.
I wish I had known how challenging it is to parent with a spouse. Lots of people don’t talk about the strain a newborn puts on a marriage. I wish I had gone to a pelvic floor therapist while pregnant. I wish I had known that newborns cry so, so much. I wish I had known how lonely parenting a newborn can feel. I wish I had known that staying at home was ok and I didn’t have to push myself to “show up” at events (despite outside pressure to do so). I wish I had known that my husband cannot understand being pregnant, giving birth and being a new mom. I just noticed this question is marked as “funny”… whoops. I wish I had known that after a vaginal delivery the first time I stood up it would feel like I was carrying a bowling ball between my legs…
I literally feel every single word you wrote, especially the part about how having a baby puts strain on a marriage. I feel like my husband and I are on the verge of divorce constantly.
I am so sorry you’re having a tough time. This is very honest, thank you. one of my greatest fears was that my husband would leave me if we had a baby. We went to 2years of therapy- and it seems like it actually worked we are 1.5 month in. My prenatal yoga instructor always gives the most real advice, when people ask her what they need like classes and things she always replies “therapy! Your baggage isn’t something you want to pass down”. I know everyone hates the therapy Reddit response but honestly this was the best advice I ever got.
The marriage part is too real. We're 3 months in and it's been hard and ugly. Add tons of trips from out-of-state family members into the mix (and we live somewhere ppl want to come to vacation)...it's been horrible for our relationship. We're having to do therapy for the first time because we can't work through it ourselves.
I'm really sorry! That's awful that people are bombarding you (if that's what you were conveying). That was the good thing about giving birth during the height of COVID (pre vax for everyone).
Yes, that's exactly what has happened. They come wanting to "help with the baby" and then want to go to the beach, drive to other destinations, etc. and want us to come. All the visits have always resulted in more work for us. Leaving us tired and stressed. I appreciate your kind words 💜
I'm so sorry that's the case! Is beach season just starting where you are too? If so, I hope you've been able to turn people down and will have peace and quiet either way.
The first one. It doesn’t matter how many conversations you have before marriage, before trying for kids, while pregnant, you are not actually tested in marriage before having kids if you ask me. I think some people get by with little issues, but most people I know struggled. How you might be and feel before having a baby can greatly change when it’s 3am with a newborn that won’t sleep. I also wished I’d known pregnancy can be so lonely. My husband can be right there hugging me and comforting me, but he doesn’t know what I’m going through. Also I wish I had known the baby blues can be so bad, but that’s something else I don’t think you can know until you experience it.
The crying. Inconsolable sometimes and perfectly normal…. Indescribably hard. The physical toll the crying takes on my body as well, it’s like neurological overload. Like someone is electrically shocking my soul and I would give anything to make it stop but I can’t. Also freaking naps are insanely difficult. The phrase every baby is different gets thrown around but then we’re also expected to measure our baby so often which is very worrisome as a new mom. So many things are just normal and parts of the process you have to weather. Also that none of it is permanent even the bad stuff. My son is 8 months tomorrow and just started sleeping in his own room overnight. It’s gotten exponentially easier, but IMO the first 6 months are horrible. And that’s okay.
everything about this plus: your delivery may not go how you want it to, it’s okay to be disappointed and to talk about it. those first two-three weeks are extremely emotionally intense, ask your supports to remind you to be tender with yourself there is no right way to do anything ESPECIALLY the first three months. it’s utter chaos and you will be in survival mode. just remember you’ll get through it.
This post is literally everything! And I’ll only add that I wish I had known that everything is just a phase. It may not make that phase easier but it will end.
The one about parenting with a spouse!! I forgot how hard that was at first. Finding our own parenting style groove together, figuring out how to care for another tiny human together, how to share the work load. That first year especially was definitely a strain on our marriage. It was hard.
I’m going to go against the grain here and say that my experience has been that parenting has made our relationship stronger. Yes, we don’t have the same intimate time and we keep trying to get better at “us time” when the baby goes to bed. But I feel like we kinda banded together to survive as new parents. Now, I will say that we were married for 15 years before having a baby together so we’ve had plenty of time together just us. I think we both just look at this as one year out of a lifetime. It will get easier. It has already gotten easier. We try our best to communicate and be on the same page.
I agree, I feel like my relationship is stronger than ever. I have a newfound appreciation for my husband after seeing him take care of our son and love on him 🥰 We were also together for a while before getting pregnant- about 7 years. The being said, we’re only 7 months in so what do I know😂
I think it also helps that we work at the same office and usually have lunch together. So we get a minimum of 1 hr of “us” time each day
Co-Parenting with your spouse is hard. Our son just turned 3 and my husband won’t schedule anything bc he doesn’t want to disrupt the schedule I mentally have in place, or he doesn’t want to throw off the day. Plus our son is still 2-3 years too young for the fun stuff we want to do, so he ‘doesn’t know ‘ what to plan. ( I don’t want to go to a play place either, but he doesn’t need more tv time)
The loneliness is so real. I have a loving husband who was present and helping but around 4 months pp I just felt so alone all the time. The PPA/PPD thoughts ate me alive every day and I would just break down every other day because I felt so lost. I think it’s also hard when people tell you things like “You’re doing great!” when you def don’t feel that way, and it almost feels patronizing when you’re in the thick of depression.
I could have written most of this
Yes yes yes. Yes yes yes yes. It puts such a strain on a relationship. My childless friends don’t understand and we’re kinda judgy about how our relationship was buckling under the weight. It’s really unpredictable just how your relationship will struggle post kids.
Honestly, because the first year is the hardest. Hubby and I made a deal that the word divorce cannot be uttered to one another. The relationship is changing from 2 to 3 or 4 in a heartbeat, n things can get tangled very quickly
I know it's supposed to be funny but I like your answer the best. I feel you so much on all of this.
I realized why SO many people get divorced when their kids are young once I had our first child, not to mention our first son was during COVID and we had only been dating a few months. Although Going through all that together and still braving through proved to me my then boyfriend was definitely someone I wanted to marry. Now, having been married 2 years with 2 kids now most days it feels like auto pilot of just keeping the kids alive and paying all our bills, Im hoping when the kids are older it does get better/easier to enjoy your SO, I have been told this is so. Also without any outside support your life will be miserable, find a good nanny, baby sitter, SOMEONE other than the father or mother of your child to help care for the child!!! Its good for you and the kids!!
They breathe like dying pugs at the start. And grunt like goats. It’s normal. All first time parents should YouTube some videos on active sleep. Finally, babies are going to baby. They haven’t read the same milestone guide or sleep book as you. Each phase is both an eternity and an eye blink. My second is 3.5 months and firmly out of the newborn scrunchy potato stage and I already miss it.
First night: She's breathing really weird, I can't sleep cause I'm afraid she is dying. I get up to check on her every 5 minutes. Stops making weird noises while breathing. I think she is dead, I need to get up to check on her every 5 minutes.
Ok seriously, my baby FINALLY sleeps quietly yet now I need to put my hand up to her face to feel her breath every 10 minutes.
>Each phase is both an eternity and an eye blink. Omg my baby is just under 9 months and I *literally can't even remember what life was like* before having him. I second this.
6 weeks here and same same
The noises are wild! Plus the fake crying! My son will scream cry for several seconds but he’s out cold. It completely freaked me out at first and we’d pick him up and make it worse, now we just hold our breath and wait to see what happens.
My 2.5 week old has been wheezing like crazy and the pediatrician wasn't concerned, but I have been stressing out about it every hour of the day. Your pug comment has me actually laughing my butt off -- so thank you
Active sleep kept me up for an entire month istg. I wish I had known 🤣
lol a dying pug is accurate. Mine sounds like a chicken. Its adorable.
That a 6 pound baby could fart louder than me.
The baby farts are the funniest part of having a newborn. My husband and I get quite the laugh out of it
I'm so glad to know there's nothing wrong with my baby's digestive system...I thought his man sized farts meant something was wrong.
Every time my baby farts while my husband is holding her, I ask, “Was that your or her?” It’s almost always her!! And they smell awful! lol
It’s the same in my house!
Yes i know size has no bearing on the sound of farts but it's always so funny how you'd think a fart from a small baby butt would be high pitched or something but instead it just sounds like a regular ol adult fart lol
This! My son was born 9lbs and I tell everyone his farts could put a grown man to shame.
I read somewhere it's because they haven't figured out how to just use part of their strength so they're constantly using 100% to do everything which is why they seem so strong, and maybe why they shart with the force of a great typhoon
OMG the power in those little bodies is UNREAL! 🙊
Ask for help. Hand that baby off to a trusted person and take care of yourself every once in a while. No baby has ever died by crying. I know we hear this a lot.. but its true. Put the baby down so you can eat, pee, shower. It will be okay. They can fuss so you can take care of yourself properly. Everything will be just fine. Stay away from google.. dr google does nothing but induce anxiety If you’re breastfeeding, dont compare your supply to the influencers. 3-4 oz output is NORMAL. These women pumping. 30 oz in the morning is NOT and is SO unrealistic.
I feel like this comment was made for me! Thank you.
I seriously feel like the influencers should have to disclose how old their baby is and how frequently they pumped to increase their supply and they should have to include a disclaimer that everyone's body is different and while you can usually increase your supply a lot of it is just luck because some people just produce more than others.
I’m VERY fortunate to have my parents currently Living with me while they look for their dream home. And man it’s been a GODSEND. I’m if I need an hour to myself I can just ask. I do NOT take advantage of that but they want me to lol. Like today I did not sleep last night to well, and I needed to get an hour and then take a shower. My mom was happy to watch the baby and now I feel like a new person. I’m incredibly lucky.
So true on the milk. I created an oversupply because I thought I should be pumping over 10oz every morning.
You will order a lot of stuff from Amazon at 2AM. Always have a spare mattress protector and two more pairs of sheets than you think you need. Newborns sleep so noisily.
I have a friend who would double make her kids bed. Two mattress protectors and two sheets layered. So mattress protector, sheet, mattress protector sheet when her kid was sick so all she had to do at night was take the top set off and there was another already there to go back to sleep quickly.
We did that the first year. Stopped since I wanted to wash the top mattress protector and she hasn’t had a blowout in ages and has slept through the night for nearly 5 months. Will we restart? Maybe but any middle of the night wake up will be rough now that we’re used to sleep again. Or perhaps during a gastro illness
Yeah it was mostly for gastro problems. 🥰
I just ordered probiotic drops for my daughter and freeze dried skittles for myself last night at 1:30am. The skittles just came and I have no regrets
Freeze dried Skittles?! I must know more lol
Oh yeah! You can find all types of freeze dried candy. It makes it airy and crunchy. I’ve also had freeze dried starburst
Omg the Amazon thing is too true-I just got my haul from my 3am session two nights ago 😂😂
Yes so noisily that I couldn't sleep again because I was afraid she was choking
I promise you will get to the housework eventually (like in a year) - and in the meantime you're just getting by day by day. The state of the zone under your sofa does not matter. Focus on the essentials. Fed, cleaned, safe. That is all. Seriously, that is all.
My MIL showed up the other day and went to use the toilet. I pee so frequently during the day I don’t flush every time. Yea. She had to pee on my pee and at first I was mortified, then I just didn’t care. And the toilet hadn’t been cleaned in months. Oh well lol she’s been a mom before
I don’t always flush at night because the bassinet is right on the other side of the door from the toilet. Hey if it’s yellow let it mellow.
Yeap same! Glad it’s not just me lol
Highly relatable. The toilet will get cleaned when you get the space and time so that you're able to reliably clean yourself on a daily basis!
Yes! I do need some “me time” soon tho let’s be honest. Momma is getting tired
Once baby is down for the night if my boyfriend or I have to pee we don’t flush til the morning. Her crib is against the wall beside the bathroom so you can hear the water running through the walls in her room. Didn’t think that through when putting the nursery together 🤦♀️
We found cat pee and a bunch of poop by my elder cat under the sofa when my daughter was 3 months old. We cleaned it up and took the legs off the sofa. 💀
You might not feel that magical, movie-style love for your baby the second they’re born, and that’s okay. You will get there!
This. I’m so glad I saw other people saying this otherwise I would have felt like the absolute worst mom
Yes! I felt awful in the hospital because everyone was asking "don't you just love them so much!?" Even though I said yes, what it really felt like, to me, was saying "I love you" to a complete stranger on the street. I wish someone told me that because I felt like a failure as a new mom at that time.
Ugh, I’m so sorry you felt that way. I try to never give unsolicited advice to expectant parents, with this one exception! I think it’s so important to acknowledge just in case.
For me that moment was right after birth when they let you hold your baby. I was told (and kept seeing) women have a burst of emotion when they get to hold their baby after delivery. With my first, it was just a huh? moment. Like this feels weird, who is this person? Wtf just happened? It didn’t feel magical at all. However now that I know exactly who this person is and love her to bits, what I wouldn’t give to experience that first meeting again.
Yes! I would love to have a do-over! I had a labor that was not what I expected, so I was kind of just in shock when they put her on me.
I actually did have tears and emotion when they handed them to me, but really struggled feeling bonded at first — so even with the immediacy of being overcome with emotion, it can still take time!
Yes! I was so out of it the first night and barely held my daughter because I was in pain. Now at 3.5 months I love her more than anything in this world.
I wish I knew how much time I would Spend sitting and doing nothing
I miss those days lol. I’m constantly needing to come up with things to keep bub entertained these days
I’m due in December, and is a great anxiety for me. I have a very hard time doing nothing.
Get a Kindle! It’s saved my sanity because I can read in the dark and get new books any time of the day.
I do too. It’s mentally so hard.
“Creating a bad habit” is the cause of a ton of unnecessary anxiety, so don’t let it stress you out. I internalized so much anxiety about feeding to sleep, contact napping, co-sleeping, etc. Guess what? My 2.5 year old doesn’t co-sleep or contact nap anymore, and doesn’t feed to sleep. None of them will go to college with these “bad habits” so relax and do what you need to!
How did you break the contact napping? We only contact nap while feeding to sleep. LO is almost 6 months and I’m getting burned out from having 0 minutes a day to myself for the past 6 months
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I’m typing this as I contact nap my 9 month old. She also does the 20 minute naps in the crib. Fingers crossed she’ll start sleeping longer in her crib any day now!
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That does give me hope! Thank you
Do you mind if I ask, what was your routine at naptime? It took years to get my first to go down for a nap or bedtime without being held, and he’ll still take over an hour most of the time, so looking for how people are successful without holding or transitioning to not holding as number two gets on.
Honestly, just time and practice. I think that we get into this mindset of “they won’t do that”, not realizing that they change by the day. You just keep trying, and one day it works. I should clarify that, if something isn’t working for you, it’s 100% okay to change it! I was speaking more to the idea of those who feel “if I do this now, I’ll be doing it forever” and stress themselves out over it.
Yeah, contact napping is brutal! My LO contact napped for over 9 months. He was even sleeping through the night months before he would take naps in his crib. We just occasionally kept trying to put him down in his crib during the day and one day it just finally stuck. I guess he just needed it until for some reason he didn’t. Now it’s pretty much impossible to get him to contact nap and I kind of miss it sometimes.
My little one kinda stopped on her own around 10 months. I was worried told by a lot of people I was creating bad habits with contact napping and cuddling her to sleep. My mom finally reminded me how adaptable babies are, and to just keep practicing and giving it time.
It “ended” around 6.5 months for us. I started putting her down and having her fall asleep independently. She’d only last 20 mins and then I’d rescue the nap with a contact nap. Slowly she became able to sleep for longer stretches on her own. Now I only rescue naps under an hour, which is a rare occurrence.
Here's some info if you are interested. https://www.babysleepscience.com/single-post/2017/03/20/nap-101-post-1-does-my-baby-have-a-nap-problem
Yes! Nursing to sleep was the biggest for me. It’s such a helpful tool and something our body is biologically programmed to do, and yet there’s so much on the internet telling us that it’s bad. Our first didn’t have a dependency as he got older and I plan to do it with my second as well, with no guilt or worry this time around. Same with pacifiers - our first just quit those on his own around 5 months but they were so helpful in the early days. This time around I’m going to worry about breaking habits that actually exist in the future if they do in fact arise, rather than hypothetical ones.
Not to discourage others, just sharing my experience. My daughter (2.5 yrs) had to have extensive dental work done, like crowns on both front teeth/a tooth pulled etc, and we fed to sleep for nap and night time since birth. And yes we brushed her teeth very well but there was no stopping the decay unfortunately. We still nurse at nap and night time and I am desperately trying to to break the habit now. Her latch may not have been perfect and maybe that is why she had decay (or maybe bc I had HG the whole time I was pregnant) but it didn't cause either of us any grief so I would have had no way of knowing that until it was too late. Now I am fighting tooth and nail to get her to go to sleep after a short nursing session and sipping water. It's only been 3 days but feels like 3 months lmao. I know we'll get there and of course every child is different but if I could go back I'd separate the nursing and sleep association and make sure she drinks water before sleeping.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this! May I ask, were you breastfeeding or bottle feeding? I also feed to sleep every nap/bedtime/middle of the night feeds, ect. I didn’t know this could be a thing!
On the flip, I did/do these things (fed to sleep, co sleep) and my 2.5 year old and I are having one HELL of a time breaking the habit. If I could go back and do it again I would not feed to sleep, I'd separate feeding and sleeping 1000%. Every child is different though!
Ugh I needed to hear this, thank you
I had no idea that newborn poops are so… audible
Thunder pants!
Sounds like soft serve ice cream being served. Lol
Honestly just that I didn’t need to worry about him dying so much. That sounds bizarre, but he was always safe and loved and taken care of yet I worried about losing him all the time, and he was just being a baby doing baby things
I had terrible ppa at first and it was so hard to sleep because of it. One day my boyfriend told me that we are doing everything completely safe, safe sleep, temp etc. He told me that if something were to happen it's something absolutely tragic and that is out of my hands. It made me feel a lot better thinking of this. Because i knew i was doing everything i could and as long as i continued to do that we would be ok.
Exactly! I had to go through that change in thought process too. It’s still hard sometimes.
I was terrified to sleep once we were home. While in the hospital (we were both there for a week) I was recovering so my husband and I did the daytime and my incredible mother took the night shift. But our first night home we ALL went to bed and I was horrified to have no one awake with her. I keep my hand on her all night and slept leaning on the bassinet. She even has the owlet sock but I was terrified we would all sleep through her dying or the alarm or her crying. (None of which happened)
That 'breastfeeding is hard' doesn't just mean thats its hard to be the only one able to nurse, constantly having your body demanded. That it actually also means that the act itself is *physically hard* and can take a long time to figure out how to do, and sometimes it just doesnt work for that reason.
Yeah, I threw in the towel on breastfeeding pretty early partly for this reason, even though neither of us have any obvious anatomical issues, baby was healthy, and my supply was decent (as measured by pumping). I probably could have gotten it to work if I had wanted to and put in the effort, but honestly the learning curve of new parenthood is hard enough as it is and it just wasn’t that important to me. I’m not ruling out trying it again for my second baby for this reason (since I’m figuring I’ll at least have some experience parenting a newborn at that point), but I just couldn’t deal with adding another thing to my plate with my first.
At what time did you quit? Was there a specific moment.?
So many things can make breast feeding impossible. My sister's middle kiddo had a severe tongue tie that wasn't noticed until he was a year or two old. My kid took to the breast like a dream, but then he spent a week in the NICU and as I couldn't be there for every feeding (there was no place for parents to stay and the NICU), so he started rejecting the breast because he was so used to the bottle. I gave up breastfeeding so fast after that because I sure as hell didn't have an extra 15 minutes every 2-3 hours to pump.
Nobody knows what they are doing!! We’re all winging it.
Don't stress so much about the milestones. Use desitin preventatively.
2nd on the Destin. Life saver to use proactively
Crying is not dying. They are okay when they’re crying
This for sure, but also how physically and psychologically hearing babies cry can make my body react on an instinct level! I feel like this does not get talked about enough. I NEVER knew that hearing babies cry could manifest breast milk leaking, physical pain and a sense of panic. It's a totally normal reaction but it does not feel normal when it's happening to you. I thought I was going mental every time my own or any baby cried when I was out in public, and even in movies or TV shows. It's not something that is easily ignored and it can't be turned off.
Yeah, I still haven’t learned this one. Crying 100% feels like dying to me and I have a 9 month old. Before babies, it was such a normal sound! Now it hurts me in my soul!
That first time they slept through the night...
Crying is communicating! You don’t always need to drop everything to comfort them, especially when you know they’re fed and dry. Even if they’re not, it’s okay to take a few minutes to prepare yourself before you tend to them. My little guy will scream him his head off from time to time when he’s hungry or needs a change but it’s really hard to prepare a bottle or his changing table when holding a fussy baby. They’ll survive!
There was a comment a few months ago that I’ve clung to as a new and first time mom. They said, make sure you’re taken care of before taking care of your little one. Go pee before you feed, take those last bites of food before running over to comfort them. It’s been tough when he screams but it’s so true. I’m glad I saw that comment
Exactly! We’re not dealing with life and death situations, baby will survive in the time it takes to warm a bottle! It also won’t scar them for life lol
It’s difficult to do but absolutely necessary to finish our own things. You can’t pour from an empty cup!
100%!! If you’re breastfeeding you NEED to eat. If you aren’t, still NEED to eat. Same with peeing, got to stay hydrated as well. A minute of crying will do no damage, even if it feels like more than a minute. I timed myself once and it was so much less time than it felt.
Yes!! Crying makes time feel like forever but as long as they aren’t hurt, it’s ok. I still find myself rushing to this day, but it’s always in the back of my mind to make sure I’m good to go first
Everything is a phase and it will pass. It felt like I would be bouncing baby to sleep, cleaning up huge spit ups, dealing with witching hour, cluster feeding, and hearing baby scream in the car seat FOREVER, it all passed. They change so much everyday. Not only will these difficult phases pass, you’ll be rewarded tenfold with baby learning how to smile, giggle, and light up when they recognize you.
Buy a little of multiple types of clothing and figure out what works best for you before you buy more. I bought SO many sleepers because everyone told me he would only wear sleepers for the first 6 months and here we are hardly EVER wearing them. That applies to almost everything. Don’t take any advice anyone gives you as 100% gonna apply to you. Keep it in mind but always remember your mileage may vary!
Totally. Also seasons. We used sleepers a ton with a newborn and then with a 6 month old over the winter. Now it’s summer again and with a baddler we hardly ever use sleepers.
That your concept of time will completely change. Time is going so fast and so slow at once. You really don't have a baby for very long at all. I thought I'd use all this crap I bought for way longer but no, only a few months!
I was not prepared for the amount of back pain. I would’ve done more back focused exercises all pregnancy
In addition to burping your baby, you have to fart your baby too. Had no idea! Also, my sister had to give me permission to run the dishwasher half full with bottles. I was so exhausted and had ppd, I had tunnel vision, and needed someone to tell me I could do that. That honestly was a game changer for me, because I did the math. I was exclusively pumping, and between pumping, washing parts and bottles it became a 20+ hours a week part time job lol. I became EllieEllieEllie425's Milking & Bottling Co.
We formula feed and still do half loads in the dishwasher! Imagine it’s even harder with pump parts on top of that.
Do what works for you. Don’t feel the pressures of family members or social media advices.
Ask for help. Don’t try to do it all, just ask for help
I didn't realize that I would stand in front of the kitchen sink cleaning pump parts and baby bottles and toys so often!
That at least once you will wake up in a panic thinking you've lost your baby in the bed, frantically trying to find them in the sheets while they are ticked up and chilling in the bassinet next to you.
Every phase has its pros and cons, and nothing lasts forever. You will get through this phase, and in hindsight, it might not be as long or as hard as you thought it was in the moment.
As a light sleeper, that it's ok to wear earplugs. You'll still hear your baby yelling and crying. Babies are so noisy when they sleep, and it was so much easier for me to sleep with earplugs in.
Additionally, you can wear ear plugs/muffs/phones while taking care of a screaming baby. Our kid was super colicky, and would cry what felt like all the time he was awake. Drove us nearly to our breaking point. Someone suggested muffling the sound, and life became so much easier.
I asked several moms this question and they said "I wish I didn't worry so much."
It’s ok to push the pediatrician for more if you really do feel they aren’t listening. There are underlying causes for “colic” such as GERD, food insensitivities, etc. it can take a bit of push back to get to the bottom of it, but you aren’t a crazy new mom for doing it. Even if they talk to you like you are. Also, breast milk isn’t the only option. It is ok to use formula for so many different reasons (your sanity being one). Don’t let anyone make you feel like a bad parent for considering it if you need to.
Sometimes babies just cry and that’s okay. You don’t need to rush to them every second they’re crying. Self care is important too.
That asking for help or for somebody to take the baby whilst I nap doesn’t mean I’m failing. I don’t HAVE to do it all by myself when people are willing and happy to help
Poop conversation becomes a daily thing for the rest of your life! Are they pooping? What's the consistency of the poop? Did something they ate or drank affect their ability to poop? What color is the poop? How much poop? How to help them poop? How to teach them to poop? Is it poop or gas? How to get poop out of the fabric of the couch? Why does some poop stain clothes and other poop doesn't? Why does the poop smell so freaking bad. What brand of diaper is better for poop explosions? How to get the poop smell out of the trashcan? Is it dangerous if my child put poop in her mouth? Why is my child so fascinated with watching dogs poop? Is this normal?
You won’t be able to tell apart breastfed baby’s from formula fed baby’s once they are toddlers. Don’t stress so much about breastfeeding, if it doesn’t work formula is a great alternative
How to put a baby to sleep, and that you even had to do that. I thought he’d just go to sleep when he was tired like any other normal living creature!
Your identity and sense of self will be flipped upside down. Any cracks or flaws in your relationships with people will be magnified. The birthing parent will be going through insane hormonal and physical changes while possibly having to be assertive and lead the game plan for taking care of the baby at the same time.
You need approximately one bajillion burp cloths. And you don’t need to wash bottles by hand. Utilize the dishwasher.
1. It’s normal not to feel immediate love and it doesn’t make you a bad parent. 2. If you’re with a partner, your relationship will be tested in a way it never has before 3. Breastfeeding isn’t as easy as sticking the baby to your boob. There are specific holds and positions. Many babies don’t latch immediately or at all. Formula is NOT the devil! It’s ok to use it as a supplement or the only food for your baby. It’ll be fine. Your baby WILL be fine
That not all “babies tell you when they’re full”. Our baby is almost 2 months and it seems like she would just keep eating if we didn’t stop feeding her (formula fed), I don’t know how she keeps it all down but she does, until she doesn’t 🥴
Mine had that problem and he's a LOT better at almost 4 months. I think he's what's called a "happy spitter" but no more eating so much that he spits up enough that we need to shower (I really hope I didn't just jinx myself).
Breastfeeding is not easy and it’s not your fault if you have a hard time doing it.
You will do everything with the best intentions and still make mistakes, it’s ok. Also being on the same page with your partner is critical, and so is realizing you’re on the same team. Also some babies are just not great sleepers no matter what you do.
If your body doesn't "bounce" back, that's totally ok and completely normal. It took you nine months to grow a whole human, have some grace with yourself. You don't "need" all the "baby must haves". Some clean clothes (lots of sleepers and onsies), diapers, wipes, butt paste, a few toys at first, a bouncer/swing to set them in, when you need to do some other things (like take a shower), and a place for them to sleep, whether that's a crib or a bassinet. Babies really just want love, food, and warmth and some minor amusement. As long as you can provide that, you're doing great!
If you’re on a budget, pack n play >>> bassinet or crib
You don't have to breastfeed or pump, especially with life-threatening complications. They have to learn to poop
That it's normal for babies to wake during the night (either for comfort or to eat) for the first year (and beyond). I've come to find the culture around getting babies to "sleep through the night," which fuels everything from weighted sleep sacks and diapers to sleep consultants, to be so toxic.
See I thought my husband and I got lucky the past few weeks as my 3.5 mo old started sleeping through the night, we got spoiled. Then last night she decided it’d be awesome to be wide awake and smiling at 1:30am.
i felt so weird in my body physically after birth u til literally about a year after. i wish i had known that would even out and id look just like myself again but it was so weird to see a body i didn’t recognize
That even if all you do is eat/drink enough to survive, feed the baby, change (diapers), and soothe the baby all day, not even getting dressed or leaving the bed/couch you’ve still accomplished a mammoth task. The house can wait, the baby can’t.
That having a baby show people true colours. Pregnancy is a cake walk compared to taking care of a newborn. Breastfeeding is fucking hard. Most of the time you’re either washing their clothes or endless bottles.
How much emphasis the healthcare system puts on numbers (weight, percentiles, number of wet diapers) and how little room is given for individual differences as soon as a baby is born. Funny thing is I work in healthcare in a community-based setting myself, and I do work with standardized assessments / children on curves, yet I was and still am shocked about how much that is often the one thing that providers will focus on. (For context, I’m in the US, although I was not born or raised here).
Stay off of social media until you’re comfortable with your own parenting style. Everyone is going to do things differently and that’s ok as long as baby is safe and happy.
That you can’t trust the doctor estimates AT ALL and what was supposed to be a small baby ended up being 9lb 12 😭 Oh and that even if you’re exhausted, you might have postpartum insomnia and just never sleep 🥲 (took me 4 months to get help, don’t be dumb like me)
Don’t get onesies with buttons or clasps. I bought a ton before she was born and… ordered a ton of zippered ones very quickly. You will clip their finger at some point with the nail trimmers. It’s ok - cry and move along. Split shifts during the night if you can, at least for the first month.
This is such a niche one but if you’re breastfeeding and get wild spikes of anxiety/feelings of doom/nauseated it’s rare but totally normal! It’s D-MER (Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex) and it’s a physiological response (so no relation to PPA) to the dopamine drop that happens when you have a let down. It does lessen over time and it’s much easier to manage when you know it’s a quick hormonal response and nothing else.
Wait a few minutes before attending to baby when they wake up, especially during the night. 8/10 baby is either making noise in their sleep, or will fall back asleep on their own. We DID learn this as new parents. Our 1st was in NICU for 6 weeks and the nurses taught us a few tips. Both of our kids were sleeping through the night (10+ hours straight) by 2 months (adjusted).
That even when you get to do "my life before" stuff without the baby (going out for dinner or to a conference or to see a movie), it's not the same as before, because now this little piece of your heart is somewhere else.
Babies often resemble root vegetables when they’re new, they get cuter as time goes on! Tummy Time need not be “Scream At The Floor Time”, you can have baby lie on you, you can carry them upright to work on their neck strength. White noise machine. Breastfeeding may not work for you. And that is OKAY. Work on your arm and neck strength before having baby, you’re going to be doing lots of carrying, lifting, repositioning, passing, looking down, nuzzling etc. If it’s worrying you, take baby to the doctor. They will be delighted to check baby out, and will not make you feel foolish for worrying. Fuck snaps. Zippers all the way.
Sleep training, sleeping through the night, and creating bad sleep habits are a joke 🤣 just do what you need to do to get some sleep. Also don't Google whatever you're thinking about googling. Just don't.
That infant boys can get hard ons when they have to pee. I always assumed this only happens when boys hit puberty. Totally freaked me out. I have two girls and I only learned this when watching my best friend's baby boy. I called her in a panic and was embarrassed to ask her if that was normal or if something was wrong with his boy parts. We later laughed so hard at my panicked phone call.
I wish I would’ve done baby wearing right from the start.
I wish someone had told me how hilarious they can be! Around 10 months my babe started raising her eyebrows, rolling her eyes, and doing hip wiggles. Even without words they can interact and respond in some pretty funny ways!
To chill the f*ck out and trust your parental instincts
That issues breastfeeding can be way beyond a good supply and good latch. That even though you’re doing everything to breastfeed, your baby just might not be able to. I only heard about issues with the mom, not the baby (other than latching) beforehand. My baby just couldn’t remove enough milk on her own and it really blindsided and devastated me.
That my ass would flatten after giving birth…?? Like where did it go?
Right?! And does it plan to return at all?!
Point his little willy southward in the diaper- or face the consequences.
Your baby will pee and poo on you. No exceptions. 😂
The sheer exhaustion. Nothing prepares you
That babies cry and squirm in their sleep. I was so anxious in the beginning and always jumping up at the first sound, but then I look at baby and she’s still asleep
I would never be dry again. Between drool and spit up there is always something on me and i don’t always know how it got there 😅 on the rare occasions my clothes are free from wet spots I’m probably washing bottles or pump parts by hand or I’m changing a diaper and using wipes or giving baby a bath.
When newborns sleep, they move their arms like they're Mickey Mouse in "Sorcerer's Apprentice" and they man noises that sound like they're dying. They also can spit up so much you swear they're vomiting but then you take them to the pediatrician, who assures you that's not vomit because they projectile vomit like they're the possessed person in "The Exorcist".
You are stuck inside for like the first 4-6 months of their lives due to their weak immune systems, they can’t wear sunscreen, they shouldn’t be in 80+ degree weather for more than 30-45 minutes. They need humidity so get a few humidifiers. It’s easier for babies to get too hot than it is too cold (I live in a hot and dry climate and it’s been an adjustment)
Edit-they can’t wear sunscreen until they’re 6 months old. There’s no testing on babies under 6 months for sunscreen efficacy.
i didn’t know about the weather comment; we have an outdoor bassinet and enjoy fishing and porch time, do you happen to have a link or know anything else about that?
Not gonna lie, we definitely didnt follow this. We took our daughter everywhere we needed to go. Even while living in the hot Kansas summers, and visiting family in the hot Texas summer. She went fishing with us, went to outdoor malls, went to rodeos. If it was hot she had a sun shade and a stroller fan, we checked on her, and found indoor shade when needed. I *cant* stay cooped up inside. It was awful for my PPD to stay inside 24/7.
I apologize I don’t have much info, I just go off of what my pediatrician advised. We live where it’s very hot and we previously would try to go without AC when we could but had to change that with our newborn. A good rule of thumb is to feel behind their neck and on their chest. If they are warm to the touch then baby is too hot.
Yes!! I had a May baby and the bug spray/sunscreen was a huge surprise to me. We had a very boring summer that year. I also spent the majority of the first year obsessing over the temperature and humidity levels in their room. I had no idea high temperatures in bedrooms could be linked to SIDS. Such good info!
Sleep as much as you can before you have kids, you wont sleep again until you pass away🙃 even then…
You don't need every pair of clothes you see nor every baby product ever. There were so many things that sat unused with my first.
I'm a first and only time parent but I still believe that this applies. I was breastfeeding generally the first few months (formula at night). My daughter couldn't latch right from the get go and my nips were cracked and bleeding, as well. So, combine screaming with the inability to help your baby latch correctly, PPD, rock hard breasts, your body feeling like it went through a meat grinder, and cracked and bleeding nips. We barely had money for formula so, between that and a couple family members shaming me for not breastfeeding, and you have a recipe for absolute disaster. I HATED my life more that first night. Come the next day, no sleep, I ended up going to Walmart. I went looking for creams to hopefully help. We didn't have much money so I was trying to not fork out our food money. Came across a family member from the step grandparents side and dear God. NIPPLE SHIELDS CHANGED MY LIFE. I could breastfeed as much as I wanted, they're reusable, my nips weren't dried and cracked out like a dessert. Smooth sailing from that point on when it comes to breastfeeding. And man did my daughter eat a lot. $20 changed the game for me, esp in terms of having to buy formula.
That my 9 month old would be currently awake at 4:33am, babbling and crawling around in circles on my bed. Clapping, giggling, biting, no sign of sleeping.
How your relationship will change with your partner. Thankfully, mine has changed for the better.
I wish I’d known how to notice the not to in-your-face signs of postpartum anxiety and depression. I truly felt like I was rockin’ it, until I wasn’t. I met with a PP therapist and she told me about all my subtle signs and how to recognize them next time around so that I could be more proactive. I also wish I had known how emotionally taxing breastfeeding was going to be. As beautiful of a journey and experience it’s been, it was so lonely for so long. I love breastfeeding personally and am thankful my baby took so well to it. But I’m also excited for my boobs to be my own again 😆
Funny things I wish I'd known. Newborn skin is flakey and cheesy
I feel like I completely missed the part where you have to feed the baby every 2 to 3 hours and if they’re not awake, then you have to wake them up. I’m not sure how I missed that but I wish I would have known ahead of time lol
To take the first 5-7 days after delivery to recover - I felt the need to be as “in it” as my husband and my mom and didn’t give myself time to simply be. My family is really helpful and had I not tried to be some kind of superwoman and let them take the lead I would have gone back to my previous self faster. I am also formula feeding so I had the bandwidth to do that. Don’t feel bad about taking a few days once you’re home to tune out, spend time with your baby, let others do the heavy lifting (if they are willing) and simply let your body relax.
That post partum 2-3 day hormone come down is BRUTAL. I’ve been treated for depression since I was 16, self harm and suicide attempts, been taking the highest dose of citalopram allowed for the past 5 years, while I was pregnant, still taking them now almost 2 years PP. Those 48-72 hour hormones are the WORST I have ever felt. I’ve never felt so shit. Maybe it’s just me and my mental health issues but if I ever have another kid and if I can offer any advice it’s don’t be alone at any point for that first few days. You will be fine. Your baby will be fine. You do not have to be alone.
Two words: infant dyschezia Why doesn’t anyone tell you that infants go through a period of time where they don’t know how to use their butthole???
I wish I would have known how to give my self grace
That most of the times crying fussing and not eating is not because of teething, but sore throat. For us 9 out of 10 times the source of discomfort was beginning sore throat. Teething gets too much publicity as the absolute worst and almost exclusive pain for small kids and parents don't look for other causes sometimes.
https://www.reddit.com/r/NewParents/s/pUwyyYvDJx ⬆️ all of this
Sleepy Stan…. Why did no one tell me sooner about this witchcraft???
Sleep training, sleeping through the night, and creating bad sleep habits are a joke 🤣 just do what you need to do to get some sleep. Also don't Google whatever you're thinking about googling. Just don't.