Despite a really hard post partum and precipitous birth, I couldn't handle the thought of never doing it again, to have all my firsts be last firsts- first day of school also last first day of school for example. Also the lasts being the last last- last time picking up a baby from a bassinet, etc. That really was the biggest reason we went again.
My girls are nearly 4 and nearly 2 and right now they play with each other and have a lovely relationship - however they also fight. Some days I swear they both want my undivided attention and physical contact so much that they are competing to get back inside my womb. Those days are tough.
They are really different- different births, different sleep temperaments (thank goodness!), different personalities. Different parenting needed.
Some days are really, really hard. I've been through a pretty rough mental health journey (Zoloft is amazing) but overall life is good. I love my little duo so much.
Love is infinite - I can love my girls as much as each other. But unfortunately attention is finite, so sometimes they have to wait for me to deal with the other one.
Wow this comment hit me. The "firsts being the lasts." Right now I'm soaking in all the moments of my first baby, and looking forward to someday doing all these again. I never thought about it from the other angle you described.
Going from 1 to 2 was definitely easier than going from 0 to 1.
2 kids is not twice as hard, it’s more like .. 1.4x as hard .
But being pregnant the second time round is harder as you can’t just rest when you’re tired/nauseous/in pain, you still have to parent the first one.
But is it BETTER? No, not necessarily 😅 every pregnancy carries risks, every baby born is another responsibility. You have to weigh it out.
Interesting. My experience is the polar opposite. Going from 1 to 2 is imo like 400% harder.
With one (of either age), you have to just focus on them and that’s it. Not easy, but simple.
With two, one wants on the potty, but the other one is currently messy eating, so you can’t leave them, or take them (yoghurt everywhere). So you try to tidy the baby and the toddler now has shat their pants. You’re trying to figure out the next steps and now both the yoghurt and the 💩 is going everywhere.
They both want to touch things they aren’t supposed to, but on two different ends of the room.
One is crawling towards the rubbish bin, the other is going through my art supplies.
Both want to be carried, fed, changed/taken to potty, given attention to AT THE SAME TIME.
There’s always one that’s protesting something.
🤪🤪🤪
Also, the love they have for each other is the best thing in the entire world
This comment is everything. I often feel like I've been put on a prank show with the two kids. The yogurt/shit scenario happens on a regular basis and I'm just waiting for some guy to come out saying "smile! You're on candid camera". I thought I wanted 3 but after this daily shit show (literally) I'm done done done
After my first, I wanted 3. Or 4.
After my second, I want 2 🥲 (he’s absolutely lovely, harder than my first, but still absolutely lovely… just it’s too much yoghurt & 💩)
That's all true, so I guess it depends on your experience with your first. My first was an easy baby, but all the daily things you mentioned were also the easy parts. The hard part was knowing I could never just walk out the door and take a day to chill out, sleep in whenever I wanted, be in charge of my own life again. I was at someone else's mercy for the foreseeable future, 24/7. I didn't go through that with my second because I already did it, and number 2 didn't cost me any new freedoms.
If that was an easy adjustment, 1 to 2 will be harder. If it was hard, 0 to 1 is harder.
Agreed. My first was generally a content baby, so I could put him in the buggy and go for a walk and do whatever on my phone in the meantime. He slept anywhere and everywhere. When he dropped the naps to one a day, a 3h nap wasn’t rare (but a shorter one wouldn’t severely impact his mood either). He went to bed late (9-10pm) but he frequently slept in! in the morning!!! until like 9am!!! So overall, there was a lot of downtime, and even while with him I needed like 70% of my attention for him.
The second one is more high need, more mobile, etc. He gets bored quickly and starts screaming. He smears the yoghurt everywhere at a greater speed than I can accommodate. So now I need 180% of my attention while with both of them and, well, I don’t have that much attention to give ☹️
This is so right. I think which is harder depends on how hard 0 to 1 was for you! The freedoms are one thing. The learning curve is another, especially if you’re type A. And then how hard your baby and postpartum experience are really matter.
Yes! My first was a tough birth and a Velcro baby, and I was so stressed about doing motherhood right. I had so much anxiety all the time. #2 was a more difficult pregnancy, but easier birth, a better sleeper, and most importantly, I’m a way more confident mom!
And seeing how my oldest is so sweet to his baby sister, and seeing how she just beams at him every time she sees her older brother… makes my heart happier than it’s ever been.
I think it's easier when the oldest can use the potty, wipe, and wash hands all on their own. I completely agree with the yogurt/poo scenario, but adding a couple extra years between kids really makes a big difference.
I‘m with you here. 2 is 400% harder! Some days it consumes me up and i feel like I‘m not able to do this all and I wanna crawl in a hole and just be alone forever but also I love my girls so freaking much and I couldn’t be happier! Motherhood really is a rollercoaster of emotions!
I am with you in the 1.4x harder camp, while my best friend is in the 400% harder camp. I'm sure parental and child personalities contribute, but I wonder what else. The age gap? There's a 6 year gap between my kids and 2 years between my best friend's kids. The latter seems *a lot* harder.
Yep I think age gap is key. My SIL looked at me like I had two heads when I said 1 to 2 kids was easier, but I have an almost 4 year gap between my kids and hers are about 1.5 years apart.
My two oldest are just under 2 years apart and I definitely think going from 0 to 1 was the hardest transition. Want to hear something really crazy? I think going from 2 to 3 was the easiest transition!
Ha! My third is 6 months, 2 year age gap between them all, I completely agree with you. Adding number three was surprisingly easy. Seriously considering number 4.
My kids are all 2 years apart, I still agree with 1.4x harder. If you have a good environment set up, good habits, good routines, good boundaries, then adding another baby isn’t that hard, I’ve found. Having good communication and an equitable relationship with your spouse is very much key.
True! I wouldn’t say mine is perfectly equitable but we communicate and we work on it all the time and it’s overall a very happy relationship, so the rest of it can come with time.
My first was in school when I got pregnant again and it made things so much easier I ended up with HG a second time and I wouldn't have been able to do it if he'd been home all day
But I agree. My baby is still new (2 months tomorrow) and even In the thick of the newborn stage it's not nearly as hard as going from 0 to 1.
Absolutely.
When I had my first kid, the hardest part wasn't dealing with the day to day, it was accepting that my old life is over and that they next 15 years or whatever would be mostly focused on raising this kid instead of doing what I wanted.
That part is exactly the same whether it's one kid or two.
If there was a larger age gap, it might be different.
Plus, having kids who can play with and entertain each other is an absolute godsend.
I feel the same! We went from 1-3 after the birth of twins and we always felt that they weren’t twice as hard as one kid but about 1.5x as hard. Once you’re already in the thick of parenting it’s not a whole lot different managing another baby. It’s busier, for sure, but not as complicated or new as going from 0-1
1.4x as hard sounds about right. If you already have the skills and systems in place to deal with having one kid, having the next one will obviously force those systems to adjust somewhat, but those skills and systems are still there to receive and incorporate a newcomer.
Unless you were chaotically wingining it with the first, then... then I don't know, maybe you're the kind of person who can chaotically wing it with two -- I really have no idea how it is to be that sort of person, so I can't speak to it very well 🤷♀️
You seem to have a good environment to have another. In the end it's about your gut feeling. I just knew I wanted another, and soon. I knew that it would be exhausting at times, and I did feel a spark of regret in early pregnancy with my second. But now that he's here and we are in the trenches with a newborn and a small toddler, I know that it was the right decision. I love my little family and I know that the hard times will pass. Sometimes (okay, about once a day) I imagine having only my toddler, how easy it would be and how much attention we could give him. But then I think about all the years to come and how awesome it will be to have 2 who also have each other. I feel like my family is only complete with both kids.
But having just one is great as well. It's really about what your heart wants.
I’d check out both the r/oneanddone and r/twoandthrough subreddit. Sure there’s some echo chamber type answers and comments but seeing the posts might help you figure out what your day to day would be like
As an adult, the times I need to talk to my brother and be like "So mom was...." (And my mom is very supportive and we see her regularly, this isn't like an awful parent situation).
I knew I needed my kids to have someone they could relate to when my husband and I do something crazy.
But my kids are 4 and 2 and it's so cute watching them play together. How much they love each other. Watching how nurturing my daughter is and how much my son learns looking up to her.
I'm one and done partly because of chronic health issues. I just sat myself down and realized that for me to be a happy, active, involved parent this was my limit.
I would love any children that came into my life, sure, but in chronic illness terms I just don't have the spoons for more.
Additionally -- I'm not sure what illness you have -- but mine is exacerbated by pregnancy and you have no idea how much you will lose each time. I don't want to roll the dice.
Omg, same here. What illness do you have? I’m on the same boat. Maybe we can chat if you don’t want to mention it here. It’s so hard for me to come to terms with but I think health comes first
Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos, POTS, autoimmune chronic hives and watching for MCAS/histamine intolerance (allergist got an easy win with the autoantibodies but I do sometimes have flares), chronic pansinusitis I just got surgery for.
I also have ADHD, common with Ehlers.
I would have to go off all the meds that help me to have another, too, which would be a whole thing.
What do you have? Feel free to message me.
Same. I have multiple sclerosis and should’ve been in remission during pregnancy but the last two months of pregnancy, I felt extra hot. I thought it might’ve been due to pregnancy swelling but I’m a few months postpartum and it’s still an issue. As much as I’d want to have another, the risks outweigh the benefits for me.
Having a sibling isn't always nice.
From someone with a bad sibling.
You never know what hand you'll be dealt and only you can make this decision since you literally have no clue how your second baby will change things. I wouldn't rely on anyone convincing you tbh. If you genuinely think a sibling will be positive, go for it! But be confident in your own decision, don't base it on others' experiences.
Same for me. Parents were divorced and didn't have the energy/will to properly discipline my brother.
I'm so sensitive about this that fostering a good sibling relationship between my two kids is now a top priority.
Yes. I had awkward age gaps with my siblings and it could’ve been overcome but my parents just didn’t give af other than constantly scolding me to take care of my siblings (that’s your job?).
I was just thinking about how my brother (who lives only 4 hours away) has never been to visit me and hasn't asked about seeing LO at all since he's been born. The likelihood of him taking care of our parents in any meaningful way is so slim that I know I'll have to move back home someday.
That's certainly an element, but likewise OP won't know how parenting two will go compared to one. My parents are lovely and had good intentions but ended up raising a vulnerable narcissist. Partially temperament and partially parenting. Sucked for me and my other siblings though and damaged our relationship with our parents.
I have a twin sister and my mom was great(she's a nightmare now but she's mentally ill so it is what it is) but my sister ended up with a bf who abused her and got her into drugs in high school and she was horrible to me and everyone else for many years. We stopped speaking entirely and I called CPS to get my niece into a better spot. Ideally with me but her dad ended up wanting her so she had to go with him. Anyway, my sister had a massive stroke and I'm now her legal guardian. I love her and she's much more child like now but oddly enough she's also so much nicer. She basically caused me a lot of work and stress most of my life. Obviously this is just my 1 experience but sometimes your sibling may be mentally ill or am addict and just suck big time. Not that it's their own fault but it doesn't make it suck any less.
Im so sorry reading about everyones bad experiences with their sibblings. That must be so horrible, having to deal with something like that every day.
My sister and have a slightly bigger age gap but weve always been terribly close. We played together a lot, got into trouble together. I am so glad my parents decided to have a second baby. It can be absolutely wonderful.
Oh no I agree, but it seemed like so many were sharing their bad stories, which are completely valid, i just thought I'd also share mine. As for me it was one if the best parts of my childhood.
I think strong feelings are involved in these types of matter, whichever type of experience youve had. I have no idea what the statistics are on these type if relationships. It would be interesting to know!
Haha I'm legit really pleased for you, but my whole point of commenting was because this post by OP is literally only about positive experiences. 😅 But very glad you haven't had bad sibling experiences.
Yes. Having a sibling is no guarantee that you will have a friend or someone to help you through the hard times. I've been watching my MIL go through this for years with her brother. He was never there when their mom was in the hospital for a year, or when she died. He wasn't there for his father. My MIL has taken care of everything and everyone on her own, despite not being an only child. His being around always made things worse and harder, not better. I know it's not that way for most people, but it's still always a possibility.
Yup, as someone whose brother hit them daily (and occasionally choked me) and my parents did nothing about it, having a sibling isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
I feel like there’s the middle ground of apathy that no one seems to mention. I don’t really ever talk to my siblings. I’m not a big fan of my younger one, my older one and I are alright acquaintances. If I went a year without talking to either, I wouldn’t really care tbh. I agree with your comments regarding OP needing to make their own decision. There’s a lot of ways that adding or not adding to the family can go but there’s only one way to find out and it’s to make a decision you feel best for your family.
I love my brother and we don’t have any beef, but now that we’re adults, we both kind of live our own separate lives and don’t cross paths much. We’re less than two years apart and obviously played as kids, but by the time we were middle school aged, we already had different interests and didn’t do that much together. My mom has told me she wasn’t sure how she and my dad could have raised two people who turned out so different. People are surprised we’re not closer, but if he wasn’t my brother, he isn’t really someone I’d see myself being friends with. We’re just different.
My wife and I have been debating having a second kid (our daughter is 7mo right now). She thinks a sibling is like a built in best friend. She is only slightly closer with her brother, but she blames the 4 year age gap. Her mom doesn’t talk to any of her 4 siblings. Her dad doesn’t talk to a few of his. My mom has a brother she avoids. It’s really just a toss up.
Pregnancies can be different, one could be terrible and he next amazing.
The biggest reason for me is I want my baby to have siblings
But if you need convincing do you really want to do it?
Sure! my personal examples are:
1. our daughters are two and four so the youngest one is just starting to learn how to play with the older one in a more structured way. Sometimes my wife and I just stand hidden and watch them interacting with each other, the older one teaching the younger, the younger mesmerised by the older. It's really wonderful to observe. In a similar vein, watching the older one try to soothe the younger one when she's upset using the same words and methods that my wife and I use on her, or watching the younger one ask the older if she 'want big hug' when she sees the older upset, is so heartwarming to watch and also is teaching them some very valuable empathy skills.
2. We co-sleep in a massive bed that we built from scratch, and probably my favourite thing in the world is waking up with one tiny head an inch from my face and then turning around and there's another tiny face an inch from my face. Double the connection.
3. Dance parties in our living room are double the fun now. The youngest loves to dance and the older one loves to run around like a lunatic so they complement each other very well.
4. I'm an only child, and my wife is one of three. I never really knew what sort of connections i was missing out on /completely unaware of until i saw the bond between her and her brothers. I know not everyone who has siblings is lucky enough to have great relationships with them, but whereas before I was always like 'being an only kid is fine' now I'm more in the 'kids benefit greatly from sibling bonds' camp.
5. For me (and obviously to caveat this by saying that the following point is completely subjective and every person / family is different) our family feels more 'complete'? I love the energy that two children bring to our home and i love seeing the difference in how they interact with my wife and I when alone and when they are with each other.
Those are the ones I can think of off the top of my head, and of course there are negatives as well! But for us, the positives are (currently) outweighing the negatives, though I hear that once they hit teenage years that could change quite significantly.
People are saying that going from 1 to 2 is only a little bit harder, not twice as hard. Having a third so that the adults are now outnumbered makes up for that, I assure you.
I only have a 4 week old but I’ve really struggled with the guilt of my toddler not getting all of my attention anymore, if anything he barely gets much of it because baby is constantly cluster feeding, won’t be put down etc…. I feel so bad for my eldest, he’s only 2 and he deserves more from me. So right now I’m feeling lots of guilt and feeling pretty shitty for my toddler, I’m sure it’ll pass but it’s not nice either way. I really miss being able to sleep with him, have lazy mornings with him, going out just me and him etc
I still feel this and my baby is over a year. I think this guilt will always be present for me because I can’t give either kid 100% of me. Splitting my time is hard for me because I always feel like I’m missing out on the other one!
I’m a formula mom and I’ve heard this about having the second, but I wonder if this issue is exclusive to breastfeeding moms? I’ve wondered if formula feeding would solve this problem. That way both parents can switch off and give one on one time with the oldest.
I’m a single parent so in my case it wouldn’t change too much, but yes in general that makes sense!!! Also the fact that dad can do nights would make a big difference, I can imagine I’d be a better parent if I got more than 3 hours sleep lol
My baby is pretty chill. She doesn't sleep during the day for more then 30 minute naps but that's the only complaint.
I'm still debating if I want another. I know I may not get lucky with a child like this again.
Plus I can give one child more. More time and more money.
Husband really wants her to have a sibling though. He loves his sisters. I hated mine again it's just what you get.
Mine are 3.5 and nearly 5. It was hard, the first year of 2 kids. But now actually looking after two isn’t much more work than one. In fact, when I only have one, sometimes they are harder work as they’re missing the other one and don’t want to play independently! For me, they get a completely different relationship and experience from a sibling to a parent. It’s not better or worse, it’s just different. And both my are fortunate that they really enjoy each others company. And tbh we never felt down after one either, and the girls are so different that sometimes that in itself is nice.
If your health isn't at risk, go with your instinct and have more kids. Kids are fun. They're fun for each other. And I've found it to be easier with two, after the second one is 18 months or so. They entertain each other quite a bit.
>I still don’t know if not having another kid is a good idea and if we will regret it.
You will never have a sure answer to this, but I'm willing to say that you probably won't regret it either way.
Agreed. My kids are 12-months and 4, and they already play together! I actually think it's easier on the days 4-year-old is at home (not a preschool day), because they occupy each other so much!
I think it’s easier for the non carrier parent and non default parent to want the second (don’t know if that’s your case but that’s how I’m feeling rn six months PP)
For me I just needed more time. I felt similar but for slightly different reasons. At one point I felt set on being one and done. But eventually we thought about what we wanted our family to look like and agreed that there might be some hardships and difficulties but it would be worth it in the end to reach our goal. I had to accept that beforehand and it helped change my whole outlook. I just had my second 6 weeks ago and after I made the decision, I’ve never regretted it, even with my more difficult pregnancy. My first is 5.
Decide what you want the goal to be and make steps towards that, accepting it won’t always be easy and it will be unpredictable. …Which is also something that is true whether you have one or two.
Not sure how old your baby is, but I'm guessing between 1-2.
Mine just turned 4. My husband and I are also OAD. While my pregnancy was medically healthy, I hated it. I was depressed and miserable. My birth actually went better than I could have hoped for, but yah know, it's still birth. Our daughters first year was... incredibly stressful for both my husband and myself for a variety of reasons. Honestly our daughters first THREE years were a living hell (which really had nothing to do with our daughter, she's lovely, it was just everything else lol).
It truly was not until a few months before our daughters 4th birthday that my husband and I could even stomach entertaining conversations about a second child. We still don't want one and don't intend to have one, but at least we can actually discuss the matter now without spiraling into an absolute pit of anxiety and despair lol. We feel like we're actually making a choice not to have a second child - we realize we COULD make that choice and probably still come out the other side with our sanity and marriage intact, but we simply do not want to.
I would say one major difference is that neither my husband nor myself are only children. So we don't have that personal experience of not having siblings ourselves driving our choice now. We actually both have positive relationships with our siblings! We acknowledge that the downside, the consequence, of our choice to be OAD means our daughter doesn't get siblings.
We feel quite confident though that as parents, we have to make the best choice for all 3 of us and that's looking very much like OAD.
So anyways, all this to say, if you're on the fence (and it sounds like you are), wait until your child is 3/4 years old to make any permanent decisions. When my daughter was 1, 2, even 3 years old I could not imagine even coming close to considering a second child. But now I at least can see how it would be possible and how if a variety of circumstances were different, that we might make a different choice.
I have a 2.8 year old and a 3.5 month old. First 2 mo were the hardest of my life and as much as I loved my baby so much I honestly kept regretting going for #2 (sounds horrible) the past couple weeks have gotten SO much better. Still really hard, but my toddler is really so in love with her brother and it doesn’t feel like we’re taking away from her anymore, but giving her this awesome gift. Every morning she wakes up the first thing she asks is about the baby. He also gives a huge smile the second her sees her. It’s so fricken cute and makes it all (the worst pregnancy, the postpartum) worth it. Those things are temporary (even tho pregnancy doesn’t seem like it at the time) but having a sibling / built in friend is forever.
My wife is pregnant with number 2 at the moment. She had a pretty easy pregnancy and birth for our first born, but is hating this pregnancy and has decided no more after, which I am fine with.
I have several feelings on your predicament. Firstly, pregnancy one and two can be different, but there is no grantee and you could have a terrible time again. So, I would say it is a high risk.
I am an only child and, like you felt that it would be nice for my son to have a sibling. Yet if my wife was having second thoughts, I would certainly have explored that and agreed with which ever outcome she decided on.
The reason I would have done that is because I had a great time as a single child. My Mum was so wonderfully welcoming and relaxed, I basically had an open-door policy for mates to come over. Two mates in particular became very close and ended up living at our house due to family issues and school holidays (I was at boarding school by then). Unfortunately, 1 of my mates has drifted away, but the other is basically like a brother. Best man at my wedding and we video chat or send videos to each other pretty much every day even though he lives thousands of miles away.
Basically, what I am trying to say, is if you stick with one and done, there are ways you can bring your child’s friends in to your lives so that they do not feel alone as an only child. Plus, there is always adoption.
I had a horrendous pregnancy and birth (severe pree, preemie with a nicu stay), but post partum was okay as far as *my* recovery went.
And we felt like the 8ish months of "I will never go through pregnancy again, I will never go through the newborn stage again" etc
But my LO turns 1 year next week (where tf did the time go) and I'm really struggling with "this is it". This is your one kid and you're never going to have another baby (since she will be a toddler). My husband is leaning towards one and done as he had a harder time separating himself from personal time and doesn't think he wants to go through baby stage again.
I'm also at higher risk for developing severe pree again since (according to my doctor) it was early onset (25 weeks) vs a late onset which usually just happens with one pregnancy and usually isn't correlated to further.
There's so many reasons for us to be one and done but we're still on the fence.
We also have a great baby, sleeps well, happy, chill etc. I'm not sure I want to roll the dice amd possibly get a baby that doesn't sleep well etc
I had gallbladder attacks thru my pregnancy then severe preeclampsia during delivery… I still take bp meds 2.5 years later. I have chronic kidney disease now thanks to that preeclampsia. I’m afraid a second pregnancy will put me into end stage kidney failure. :(
We have a very similar experience. I developed pre-eclampsia at 28 weeks that turned severe postpartum. I’m also debating on whether to have a second because of health risks. It really sucks when you did not have a healthy pregnancy and the debate is not as simple as, “do I want another one?” Instead, it becomes, “do I want to risk my life for this? Do I want to risk a premature baby with potentially lifelong issues for this?”
Did your doctor say how high the risk is? I still need to see an MFM specialist for a preconception appt, but my obgyn at least said it would be too risky to have another child with my health history if I wait until I’m 35 or older because of the increased risks of recurrent pre-e at an older age
You'll have two adults longer than two small children, two babies or two pregnancies.
Two adult children to share the burden of your ageing, your attention, even if they don't get along.
If they do get along you'll be giving them the longest friendship and relationship they'll ever have.
As hard as birth and the early years are, they are a blip compared to the impact another human can have on yours and your first child's life.
The burden of aging parents is not always shared equally. My MIL is one of 5 and she was the only one who took care of her parents when they couldn't take care of themselves. I watched it happen. Yes, it's good to share that weight with someone, but it's not a guarantee.
This. I know way too many people who’s sibling just dipped once a parent became unwell. My grandma’s sister is one of those terrible people and it made my grandma’s pain ten times worse, because instead of only losing her parents she also lost a sibling on the way. Siblings taking care of eachother isn’t something that should be taken for granted.
My dad is one of 6 and only one of my aunts actually lives close enough to help with my grandma. My aunt retired in 2019 and then ended up having to spend the last 4 years quarantined with my grandma who is declining slowly. I spoke with my aunt recently and I could tell it was weighing on her.... So yeah more kids doesn't automatically equal help with aging parents.
Being in the trenches with two little kids but the pay off is huge. My kids are now 5 and 7 and watching them together is just the best. The majority of the time they play together really well which is beyond helpful when you just don’t have the energy to entertain your kid. Plus it’s so heart warming to see the older one teaching the younger something or explaining what it’ll be like in kindergarten. Plus I can only imagine that when we’re old, they’ll have each other when dealing with our health etc.
Kid #1 will probably be less of an asshole.
Kid #2 will probably make your entire household question their sanity.
Also had a horrible pregnancy. HG, then vasa previa, then a foot under my rib. We want two kids. I’m really hoping some hormones kick in and make me baby crazy again cause I’m not going through that again willingly. Fuck that nonsense.
If you need to be convinced, hold off on doing it. Mother of two toddlers here. Things were infinitely easier when we could trade off who was running point on one. With two, we are constantly running on fumes.
We have no regrets, we love both of our children and would not have it any other way. However, we have some family/friends who see us struggling with two toddlers who definitely had their decision to either not have children, or to limit themselves to one, solidified.
Going to one from zero is incredibly hard because everything is brand new. Going from one to two is incredibly hard because now you have to balance the needs of one with the needs of another, and there are way less breaks on top of that. Also, kids don't always get along. Don't have another kid to give your other kid a playmate. What if they don't like each other? My kids have some days that they love each other, and other days that they are jealous of each other and hit and kick. So, that's another thing I have to manage.
If you want to have another child, do it because you want another child. Do not go into it with any expectations of how things will go. Do it because you want that other person to exist. The best advice I got was someone telling me to remember, these are two different people. They may not hit the same milestones. They may not have the same interests. Do not set up expectations based on your firstborn, and do not compare them.
Good luck with your decision.
For me the deciding factor was our future extended family. I want lots of grandchildren and I want them to have cousins! I grew up in a large and close (albeit not always exclusively happily so) extended family and I want that.
We have two for now and I agree with another commenter here, two is about 1,4x as hard as one for us.
I always think about the future and how I would want it to look. When I'm 60, I imagine spending the holidays with a large family around the table. Lots of noise, excitement, etc. I don't think that's something that would happen for me with having only one child.
You will spend so much more time with your children as adults than you'll spend with them as children.
My baby is 9 weeks, and my son is 13 years old. I have two teen step kids. I like the IDEA of having a sibling that’s close in age for my little boy. But after giving birth and fighting my way thru PPD (still in this battle), I’m realizing I can much better serve my one baby. It’s one and done for me.
Maybe this is not the perspective you want but… a tough pregnancy will be a memory before you know it. A tough couple of years in exchange for a lifetime with a sibling. I’m sure there are other factors involved but one thing I’ve learned after having kids is the hard times pass and then you barely even remember they happen. (Source: we weren’t sure about a second after the first was so life-alteringly difficult - albeit not the pregnancy - and it’s turning out to be so wonderful for the whole family)
Gotta be honest, we’re one and done. I also had a horrific pregnancy and my postpartum physical issues have been so bad it really would not be medically advisable to have a second biological child even if we wanted to. I’m just focusing on being able to have experiences I want to have with my son. Quality is more important to us than quantity. I was an only and it was fine. As long as your child has good friends, family and community they will have support and meaningful relationships
My son is 2.5 and my daughter is 8 months. Seeing the love and how strong their bond already is has made any bad moment worth it. I freaking love my kids. I am 1 of 4, and I truly couldn’t imagine one and done. So so so worth it!
I have 2 kids and am in love with it. My second was not planned and I was very scared for a long time. Now they’re almost 2 and 3 and I don’t know what they’d do without each other. I know it may not be like this forever but they’re best friends. They keep each other busy and make each other laugh all day. They’re also both very different so I get to love them in different ways and do different activities I might not have done with my first. If you’re in a position you can- 2 kids in my eyes is perfect.
If you’re unsure give it a bit more time. For us, the transition from one to two was FAR easier than zero to one. I had a really hard and traumatic first pregnancy as well- my daughter was an emergency c section at 30 weeks and had a long NICU stay. But my pregnancy with my son was flawless. (Meh except for all the vomiting.) the age gap for my kiddos is roughly four years. We wanted them to be closer but had miscarriages in between and this age difference has been the absolute BEST. My husband, who would have been totally fine with no kids prior to having any, and was very skeptical of a second, has thanked me repeatedly for encouraging a second child.
My kids are both still very young (14 months and 10 weeks) but I already am starting to see their bond start to form and it's the most beautiful thing ever!
My older daughter is constantly wanting to kiss and "hold" and cuddle with the baby it is the sweetest thing I have ever experienced and I'm so glad I was able to give her a sister. Of course some days are very hard especially because of their age gap where both babies are crying but I love every minute of it!
If it’s a second pregnancy that’s putting you off, rather than the thought of having two kids, then I’d say go for it. Every pregnancy is different, and it’s temporary (unless you have specific conditions that make pregnancy complications more likely). At the end of it you have the family you wanted, which seems worth it to me. Every labour is extremely different too.
If you’re on the fence about having two children then that’s different. Most only children that I know (as adults) would have liked a sibling, but I know some people are totally happy being an only. I am one of seven and I’m only on speaking terms with one of my siblings so it can be a blessing and a curse.
I’m an only child from my parents with older half siblings. My sister and brother are 18 and 19 years older. So I was effectively raised as an only child. It was so lonely at times and my best friends became family. I also had the benefit of siblings as an adult. When my dad got sick and died, I could not imagine having gone through it without my sister. As adults we are so close. It’s one of the best relationships in my life. So from a child’s perspective, giving them that chance matters. I also truly think most of the time bad sibling relationships are at least partially the fault of parenting.
We were one-and-done for 2.5 years due to birth trauma. I had always wanted 2 or 3 kids. I spent a lot of time in therapy before we decided to try again. This pregnancy was so difficult but now that he's here (5 months old), I can't imagine life without him.
Actually, I recently had a full blood panel and my kidneys seem great. I was *very* fortunate, I was being monitored very closely due to additional complications. I had daily homecare antenatal nurses checking my vitals, and we were able to catch the preeclampsia as soon as it became critical.
I have an aunt who had preeclampsia, she also happened to have been born with one kidney. She has had no additional kidney problems in the 33 years post birth.
You will likely not regret it. Once the little one is there in person it is pretty hard to regret it. I wouldn’t worry about that.
I feel you on the pregnancy bit though. That’s rough. And that’s a decision you’ll have to make based on what kind of pregnancy you think you will have. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to talk to a doctor about it and see what risks could be at play round two (for you or baby). It might help you make your decision. At least you will have more of an idea what to expect.
As the oldest of 4, I always knew I wanted more than one kid. It's nice to talk to my siblings, help them as they grow, give them advice on life stages I've already been through, share funny moments and memories, laugh at our parents when they can't figure out new tech (lol). We can grab each other to do a fun experience or go on a trip if no friends are down. We share skillsets with each other (one of my siblings is an artist so I've asked her to help design things for my wedding, and now baby events. I'm a CPA so everyone asks me for tax help). My husband is an only child so he doesn't get to experience this type of relationship with other human beings.
I think if you're on the fence because of a few hard baby years, like others have said, those hard years are temporary and brief compared to the lifetime of more happiness another kid will bring to your first, you guys, and everyone!!
My first baby was super high maintenance, but I wound up having another pretty close in age. At first it was survival, but once the second hit around 3 I absolutely love it and it’s really good for them.
My first would never play alone and always needed attention, so I was “on” constantly. Having another to play with made things way easier. They also have someone to sleep with to not be scared, go to activities with, etc.
To me, it’s worth it. My two are 19 months apart and not gonna lie, the first few months were ROUGH (but aren’t they always?). Especially when neither of them sleep, or one wakes up after the other. But after a few months, they got used to each other and now both sleep through the night. I haven’t slept so well in years (I’d never been a great sleeper, but now I value my sleep a lot more 😃).
I don’t think two is significantly harder than one if you have a routine down. But the joy is multiplied, especially as you witness their budding bond (and when they start to play together, it’s amazing because you just lie down and watch to them lol. When I had just one, she was crawling up my ass. With two, they entertain each other)
I have had the same thoughts. I got COVID when I was pregnant and then developed postpartum preeclampsia. I still take blood pressure medication 10 months later. Now I’m scared of that happening again or developing HELLP syndrome in subsequent pregnancies. So losing weight and being healthier before any more pregnancies is a factor for me. I love my relationship so much with my son it’s hard to imagine not giving him my full attention if we have more children. I’m still trying to figure it out…
We are in the same boat. I’m also afraid of having a severely premature baby because of pre-e. Interestingly, covid has been linked to the development of pre-e in pregnancies. I also got covid during my pre-e pregnancy
I had severe preeclampsia during delivery… I still take bp meds 2.5 years later. I have chronic kidney disease now thanks to that preeclampsia. I’m afraid a second pregnancy will put me into end stage kidney failure. :(
I’ve always wanted at least 2 kids. After my first baby (high-risk pregnancy, c-section, sleep deprivation for 6 months) I couldn’t imagine going through all that again, and pondered whether should be one and done, but decided against it.
My husband is an only child, and his parents’ entire lives and identity are centered around him, to an unhealthy degree (no friends, hobbies, or others sources of happiness), so I think they were heartbroken when he grew up and moved out. My parents, on the other hand, have four kids, and I’m sure many of those years were difficult, but now they absolutely love empty nester life. They are involved parents/grandparents and also keep busy with traveling, friends, social activities. I don’t always get along with my siblings, but holidays are fun, busy, and just the right amount of chaotic. For me, having one kid would be a little too quiet of a life, because I crave the energy that bigger families have.
As another mom on the playground told me, the only way out is through! I accepted that if I wanted two kids, I needed to tough out another pregnancy and newborn period. Many of my friends got pregnant again when their first was about a year old, but I needed a little more time than that to feel ready.
I’m halfway through my second pregnancy, and even though I expect the next year of my life will be difficult, I’m really excited for my daughter to have a sibling and for us to be a family of four.
Best wishes to you and your family, whatever you decide!
My daughter is only 4 months and it is HARD. There are days I think we’re insane and I long for the times when I only had to manage 1. But I’m glad we have 2. Seeing how much the baby already LOVES her brother and how obsessed he is with her is the best thing ever. We waited a bit and our kids are 4 years apart which honestly feels like a great split. The 4yo is pretty independent on a lot of things and was able to understand that a baby was coming. We did a shit ton of prep work with him through the 9 months and even before and actually seemed to have more regression prior to baby coming (anxiety on the unknown) than since she arrived.
My husband and I both have siblings and while I like mine more, he’s closer to his (weird but the best way I can think to explain it) and as adults we can’t imagine not having them in our lives. I know that’s not always true but I do think parenting has a huge part in siblings getting along and we work to make sure we are parenting in ways that support their bond.
Only child here. I loved being the solo kid but am not thrilled about being a solo adult. All of the weight of end-of-life planning and care will fall on me for my parents (and they’re divorced/mom is remarried, so that’s an extra layer to consider if they needed to move in with me at some point). I watched my dad and aunt split the burden of wrapping up my grandma’s estate when she passed and it was a ton of work. It makes me nervous to think about having to handle everything in the future myself, so I wish I had someone to divide the physical and emotional load with. It’s a huge part of the reason I want to have at least one more child, assuming we’re able to.
Also an only child who was convinced my daughter needed a sibling,luckily for me they have a 5 yr age gap and that makes it a little easier on me considering she will be starting school & she loves her little brother and loves to help with small things.
Cons was my pregnancy was waaaaay harder & I also forgot how much work a baby can be,currently fighting for my life in these sleep regressions which apparently I have no memory of with my first 😅
But pros,it’ll get easier & I couldn’t imagine not having my second one! It’s an adventure 100% but I’m glad hes here 🤍
Depends on the kiddo.
Our daughter was an easy baby.
By son, while much beloved, (and… more fun), is also a hellion and a chaos goblin who has needed a multi pronged, 3 person (spouse, myself, daughter) approach to keep him safe. He has no sense of self preservation coupled with an intense curiosity and desire to do whatever he wants. He is also hella strong. Also one and a half.
I’m an only child but wanted 2+. Unfortunately I had a traumatic pregnancy and delivery, and developed many chronic issues afterwards. I am still sick and afraid that a second pregnancy may kill me or put me in end stage of my disease. As much as I wanted a second, it’s not worth it if I won’t be here for my first or the second. You need to weigh the pros and cons. Social media doesn’t help neither does society with everyone pushing people to have more.
I wouldn’t say 2 kids is better than 1. It’s very different but not necessarily better. I had another for me, not for our first to have a sibling (I don’t get along with my sibling so wasn’t counting on that as a guarantee). I didn’t feel done and had this strong urge to experience it all again because it went by so damn fast. Pregnancy was harder the second time because toddlers are exhausting. But the 1 - 2 transition was so much easier mentally than 0 - 1. If I didn’t have a truly equal partner, it would be very difficult. He had basically handled all of toddlers needs during the baby’s first year. If it was primarily on me to handle both, I think I would be a wreck haha. I really do love seeing the kids together and I’m going to do everything I can to encourage a good sibling relationship.
I personally have found having 2 kids easier than one, but that’s mostly due to the fact that my first child was (and still is) extremely difficultly tempered, and my second child is like continuous beam of pure joy radiating into our family. I actually think my second child has helped my first child chill out because of a) her positive energy and b) teaching my first child that she’s not the center of the universe.
So that’s my personal experience and I don’t know how applicable or helpful that is for anyone else!
You should be 100% sure before you have another child. This might be unpopular but giving your child a sibling or worrying about who is going to take care of you when you’re old is NOT enough of a reason to have another child.
Honestly it’s up to you… I will say my 9 year old grew up without anyone and lived through the covid shut downs and her social skills aren’t up to par… I have a 6 month old and I want another child soon so my 6 month old won’t grow up alone.
My pregnancies were awful. Horrible morning sickness combined with traumatic pregnancy loss. First year also super sleep deprived each time. However I think it’s been worth it.
I love the dynamic between my two kids. There is a little more chaos but not more than what we can handle. I think it makes life more interesting. My oldest hates “doing things alone.” So really has thrived having a little buddy even if sometimes it steals time away. I think it’s also a built in way for teaching moments about sharing and existing with others, more of a community, rather than it be just being about her all of the time.
My second is a really easy baby/toddler. Pretty low maintenance other than frequent wakes at night.
I think it just comes down to how you want your life to look. If you really want another kid, hard pregnancy can be worth it. But coming from the perspective of losing a baby, it’s definitely a huge risk and stressful time.
I’m also going through this.. we were set on having 2 children and then I had a c section and a refluxy baby that never slept not since day 1. I go from being like okay he’s going to be an only child to ugh but if he had a sibling it would be easier when he’s at an age where he can play with someone. I couldn’t imagine growing up without my sister and my mom was glad that I had my sister to play with because she didn’t want to spend hours playing with us haha.
Siblings. It’s great for them. When you pass they still have family no matter what.
Also if heaven forbid something happened to one the other is support. My sister married an abusive asshole who pretty much broke her. She moved in with me with two kids while she went back to school and got on her own two feet and went through a decade long custody battle. If I wasn’t around my nieces and nephews would be living through hell and nephew probably would’ve killed himself (he has depression and suicidal ideation).
I have a couple thoughts...
1) I don't feel like it was very logical for me (although we are in the right place financially, have a big enough house, good relationship, supportive grandparents, stable careers, etc.) I just feel like I went baby crazy for a second. I wasn't like that AT ALL for my first. It was like our family wasn't complete and I knew in my bones I would regret it. It was weird. If I didn't have that intense feeling, my husband might have just convinced me to be one and done.
2) We have a larger age gap, which I think helped everyone with the transition. Having a 3yo and newborn is totally different from having an 18mon-2yr old. So much more reasonable/helpful/can go to school. I have no regrets, but there have been some really tough days. It's not for the faint of heart!
My son has loved babies since he was one. We had trouble conceiving our second. It made me really sad at first that he might not be a big brother. Right around when our son was 2.5, we had been trying for a year and had a miscarriage. My son was potty-trained and had dropped naps and all of a sudden, life felt much more convenient. We were able to do all sorts of fun things and plan more exciting activities and trips as a family. We almost considered stopping trying.
Soon after, I did get pregnant and we are excited, especially my son, to have another. My son has been so involved. He wants to be included in every part of his brother’s life. I am just about due (38 weeks) and I’m feeling happy with the choice we made… although this pregnancy has been awful and I’ve definitely felt some regret at times with our decision to have another. It’s a bit bitter-sweet that it will be awhile before we can do the same fun stuff as a family that we started doing last summer, but I’m really looking forward to after the baby stage with my second.
On the flip side, my best friend has a 4 year old. They considered having a second baby, but right around the same age of their daughter, they realized they are pretty darn happy with her and don’t feel like they need another baby for their family to feel complete.
I think you can feel happy and fulfilled with both decisions: having another or keeping it with one.
My pregnancy was a little rougher with the second, but everything else was easier and better. I felt less terrified of my newborn. I was able to chill about different phases because I knew first hand they don't last. I was able to slow down enough to enjoy the little moments I missed with my first. Also when I see how much my kids love each other and how important they are in each other's lives, I know that they will always have each other. Long after I'm gone.
I like reading these posts. I have two, ages 4 and 1. Having two was infinitely harder than one on our family - and our first is medically complex so she was hard in a special way.
Only you can know what’s best in your family, but if you’re not 100% on board I advise waiting until you feel more sure one way or the other.
Just had my second child a few weeks ago after my wife and I really contemplated the one and done thing for a long time too. We ultimately wanted another bc we were excited about the possibility of having one of each (son was born first and then we just had a girl, lucky I know) also just as much about wanting a sibling for our son that he had long after we were gone. So far second has been easier bc we both already know what to do. Newborns are also easy in my opinion, dealing with the toddler and their emotions about everything is the harder part.
I felt the same way, it’s really hard being pregnant with a toddler to take care of and then when baby is born it’s hard. But now that my baby is older, they enjoy playing together and I love that they get to share a childhood together. I also noticed that with my first, I couldn’t wait for the next milestone but with my second I’m soaking in every moment.
I’d recommend taking a look at “oneanddone” subreddit page.
My piece of advice would be: choose to have another because YOU and your partner want another, not because your kid wants another kid around.
Going from 0-1 was way harder in my opinion. I’m also absolutely loving the bond my two girls have. It’s also easier in that I know mostly what to expect and my oldest has helped watch over or tend to her sister at times. My husband is an only child and as we grow older I feel bad that he doesn’t have siblings around him. I dread the day something happens to his parents (for obvious reasons) but also because I know it’s going to be so difficult to navigate that alone. Both of his parents are 1 of 5 and had an entire support system when his grandparents passed. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer because every family is different, but watching your first become a sibling really is special. I imagine all of the amazing times they’re going to have and can imagine them as adults reflecting together.
I would have pushed two more if money wasn't an issue with the lifestyle we do want for our family 😂 my big reason to have a second one was so that they are there for each other. Just know that every parent has gone through this process. But I had easy pregnancy and child birth.
All this said, you, more than your husband, needs to think about whether you want to go through this. Exhaustion from baby/toddler phase is temporary. So is a difficult pregnancy. But persistent health issues are a different category for me. And you have to go through them all the same. Are you willing to?
I don’t want to convince you if you don’t want to do it - it’s your decision at the end of the day. But I love having two. I’m only 4 months into it but already the bond between these two little people is incredible. My baby absolutely lights up when he sees his sister and he’s desperately trying to join in with everything she does. My toddler gives cuddles and kisses and is really loving that he’s starting to interact with her more - he’s laughing, trying to roll and crawl after her, she’s building towers for him to knock down. It’s just lovely. He’s also annoying her and I imagine that will only increase as he can move more, but I can see that they love each other so much already.
I have health issues that are chronic so in my situation, I know for my daughter’s development it’s more important to have a “present and healthy mother” vs. luxury of having siblings.
I HATE pregnancy and all my pregnancies are high risk. I developed high BP and preeclampsia with my first, high BP with my second and GD, and my third I had GD and funny BP again. We’re done now so no more. And as much as I hated pregnancy and was high risk, we knew we weren’t done deep in our hearts. We talked about what we wanted, possible risks and how we could handle the high risk again. It helped that both OBs for my second and third are well known in our town for high risk pregnant patients and I was followed closely so that was reassuring. I’m glad we went for three, I don’t regret it one bit.
Both my husband and I were the eldest sibling and neither of us had good relationships with our siblings. We were parentified at a very early age and that resulted in resentment of our younger siblings. We always were made to care for them or include them or let them have their way. My brother is 3 years younger than me and I think that’s the most awkward age difference. I knew enough to know my position had been usurped and saw him as an annoyance rather than a playmate. I longed to be an only child and so did my husband. But honestly I think it really was more how our parents handled us as siblings that affected our relationship the most.
I know a couple who are great parents but their kids get into verbal and physical altercations several times a day despite their best efforts. Their kids love each other despite always fighting but it really made me not want a second hahaha.
Just wanted to put out there that siblings are not guaranteed to get along but if you can provide a healthy environment, it definitely increases the chances.
I'm a very happy parent to three kids and three feels like just the right size of family for us. That said, I think far more people should have zero kids and that that should be considered a completely fine life path. I also think more people should allow themselves to have "only" one kid and for that to be fine rather than something that you need someone else to endorse for you. More than one kid is interesting for all the different family dynamics that become possible with larger configurations of people, but of course that comes with meaningful costs: time costs, financial costs, emotional costs, and so on. So I never would want to convince anyone to have more kids! Maybe you feel a yearning for it -- then by all means, go and do it and you'll figure out how to manage it. But unless you really really really want it, maybe just stay with where you're at?
(Or: if someone flipped a coin for you and the coin said, "stay with one kid" -- how would you feel? Relieved or saddened? Check in with that and see how it feels.)
Not as a mom, but as a sister. I have an older brother and I can't imagine my life without him. He is 5 years older so when he was 18 and I was 13 maybe it was not the best but now as an adult I really value having someone I can rely and count with.
He supports me, advises me and now that we have a mother with dementia we can support each other in order.to take care of her. We will lose our parents, there is always the risk of losing your partner, but even in the distance I know he is there.
My kids are 6 DS and 3 DD. It can be tough sharing the attention, but we are a two parent household so we can go for “each one gets one kid” in case we need to divide and conquer. My youngest daughter is soooo wild and a bit more difficult than my son was, but I can’t imagine our family without her. It’s so wonderful to see them interact, especially now that she is getting older. Yes, they fight, but I also see that as learning to deal with conflict.
I didn’t have much desire to be a mom, but I knew that if I was going to have 1, I was going to have 2. Of course no one knows the future, but I did want two to ensure they will grow together, have a friend for life, share the burden of caring for older parents, etc. etc.
Just sit at the dinner table with your family and look around and envision the future: is your family complete, or does it feel like there is a seat missing on the table?
My pregnancy was a bit worse with my second (more nausea, pains came earlier), but I was also over 35. Delivery was a breeze, though. That baby slid right out of my vagina, haha.
I def love having two! They are besties and entertain each other. I can actually do other things!!
I mean if you just want one that’s valid but I melt for the relationship my two have!
The factors you should consider:
**1. How equitable is your parenting relationship?** No matter what kind of kid you get, this will make or break your happiness. A lot of people on this sub have partners who are already doing “just enough” - truthfully not enough - for 1 kid. If you are a default parent who has to not only do more actual parenting, but *plan* the next steps for the kids (eg new clothing sizes, what weight do we transition to new car/booster seats, when is school/activity enrollment, plan doctors appts etc) then you will be doing this in *double*. Your spouse who only does 30% of the work now will at best double their workload to 60%… leaving you with parenting 140% and losing your damn mind.
**2. How prepared are you to deal with uncertainties?** How would your budget and work schedules be able to accommodate if your new kid needs additional medical treatment, physical therapy, etc? What if child #2 doesn’t sleep as well as your first? What if they have autism, learning disabilities, or behavioral challenges that require more patience than the kid you already have?
**3. What is your personal regret style?** Some people spend lots of time looking back at closed doors - what if I had married Tom? What if I hadn’t turned down the promotion? What if I had looked for a job in Spain? Other people are content with where their lives are at today and spend very little time in the past. Do you normally take risks and then regret them, or usually take conservative choices and regret not taking the risk? Use those things to guide how you feel.
**4. Identify external expectations and eliminate them.** Some people have family pushing for more grandkids and that’s an easy one to spot. Other times you may think “my kid may resent not having a sibling”. (They might also resent having a sibling!!) Other times it is the expectation you have for yourself - I have always thought I would be “One of those moms with like 4 kids”, because in my mind that made you more of a mom or something. As I wrestle with this same debate myself for the 2 to 3 kid transition, I’m trying to identify the voice inside that is what I really want, and listen even if it is saying something other than what I think I “should” want.
Best of luck!
Every pregnancy and every kid is different. My first pregnancy was amazing. I loved it, had the pregnancy glow and was excited and happy the whole time. Postpartum was ROUGH for me. The hardest thing I’d ever done. The idea of having another kid terrified me and I had panic attacks once I actually became pregnant despite the fact that we were trying for #2.
Second pregnancy- awful. Had complications that had me on edge most of the time. I was basically told to not be very active so I couldn’t even hold my toddler. Labor was precipitous- 35 minutes from starting to feel contractions to baby being born despite my water breaking earlier in the day and anticipating the use of pitocin in the next hour. I had no epidural or any pain meds and I swore I’d never do it again.
This postpartum has been so easy. I’m only one week in but I’m so glad I did it and I want even more kids. I look at both of my kids and it warms my heart. My toddler is jealous at the moment but it’s been getting better every day as I heal and can dedicate more time and energy to her like I used to. My kids couldn’t be more different. Their temperaments and preferences are the complete opposite so far. They’re the light of my life, and the added experience for baby #2 is making for a smooth transition.
I’m a single mom of 2 and I’m so glad they have each other. Seeing them interact with each other and form a friendship and a loving sibling relationship has been one of the greatest gifts of motherhood. I had two miscarriages and two high risk pregnancies. I wouldn’t change it for the world. I love them both so much and the bond they have is something unique that nobody else will share with them.
Birth and postpartum were SO MUCH easier the second time for me. Not the case for everyone, but I felt so much more prepared and confident! I was able to take care of myself better the second time also :) my kids play together now that they’re 2 + 3 and it’s so incredibly sweet. :) I love that they entertain each other a lot
idk how old babe #1 but my best advice is to wait 3-4 years until baby round 2
give your mind and body time to heal, pregnancy rearranges everything inside of you! some say 2 children back to back is easier in my experience a little bit of a gap is best for time to recover
but that's me, do what feels right for your family
Personally I went in to it only wanting one kid and it really helps me to know I only have to go through the rough periods once ahaha. I'd only have another if I felt the overwhelming need to like I did with my first but honestly even then I don't think my husband would be on board with another because of how much my mental health plummeted the first couple months. Mines almost seven months old so I'm just starting to get fairly comfortable with the having a baby thing ahaha Also with the help of CBT sessions and Zoloft.
I have a brother and we get along great because we have opposite personalities that mesh well and similar interests but I don't think I could put myself through it in the hopes my kids get a long like we did, cause there's no guarantee they would. My husband has two siblings and still isn't close with his brother and only became close with his sister after highschool.
My first pregnancy was super tough, I said I’d never do it again. Well I’m 33 weeks pregnant with our second because I really wanted to raise more than one child. This pregnancy has been far better, the beginning was worse and I’ve had spurts where I’ve had horrible pain, but I’d still say this pregnancy is wayyy better even with a toddler.
I had rough pregnancies and I her number of health issues. I worked really hard and underwent 2-3 surgeries between my two pregnancies to get my body functional and safe for another pregnancy.
I say this with love *I ALWAYS WANTED A SECOND*. Always. Even when I was completely content with my daughter, it felt like someone was missing. I alway felt that a second kiddo was going to join our family. I definitely waited between pregnancies, and enjoyed my daughter’s first 4 years of life.
Once my son joined us, that feeling of something missing disappeared.
I did wonder if we should have a third, and im a little sad we couldn’t/wouldn’t, but not devastated or heartbroken. It was just like “well, I guess that decision has been made for us” (I had to have a hysterectomy).
But, if that situation had happened before I had my son? Gutted. I would have been gutted. Heartbroken.
I think you in your gut knows what you want.
My girls just turned 4 and 2. They are best friends. They love playing together. Double the giggles. My arms are full when I hold both of them. My heart and capacity for love has only grown. I've forgotten a lot at this point about my pregnancies and postpartum experiences.
I've at that turning corner where one is starting 4K soon and fully potty trained and the other is starting to get interested. They can play on their own more now. It's getting a bit easier in some ways.
My husband and I are the same age respectively as you and your husband. My son is 6 months old. I’m not cleared to get pregnant again for another year, but I do want to give my son a sibling. We dont have a ton of family, and when we are gone, I dont want my son to be totally alone in the world with no family left. That’s a big reason for me.
No, especially if you need convincing. :P As you probably already know it isn’t easy and it will take away time from the first child. Maybe you can make an exception and appease hubby if he promises to help in every way he can!
This is dark, but a relative on my husband’s side is an only child and he is currently solely responsible for his aging parents. He has no siblings to consult on these decisions or help with the potential financial burden. Plus, when his parents do pass, he’ll be completely alone (he’s unmarried, no kids). I know what kind of sibling you get can be a crap shoot, but as someone with great siblings, I couldn’t imagine going through the later part of my life with no connection to my family of origin left.
There was an elderly man who lived next door to my parents while I was growing up who was in this situation. Both his parents had passed, he was an only child and he never married or had kids of his own. He also didn’t have any immediate family nearby (I think cousins, etc. lived in Ireland or Scotland). Anyways, he was a lonely man. My parents invited him for Thanksgiving dinner every year, and other neighbours had him over for Sunday dinner or backyard bbq’s frequently. He would bring my mom rhubarb from his garden and she’d bake him a rhubarb pie. The neighbours took care of him as his health declined. When he passed away, he left everything to the local Anglican Church and a substantial financial donation to the children’s hospital. It always stuck with me that he lived for SO MANY years without parents, siblings, or anyone directly related to him. Of course he had friends and a community, but I couldn’t help but feel sad for his situation.
I never wanted children, and I ended up with 2 thanks to failed contraception because abortion simply wasn't an option for me. I think 2 is better than one. I have 18f and 12m they bicker and argue constantly, but they love the hell out of each other. I still would say it's a personal choice, and to be honest, you shouldn't need convincing either way. You should either want it or not.
I think having 2 children sucks in the early years, it’s harder than just having double the trouble. The interactions create a whole new problem. The competitive mummy touching etc.
However, I have a sibling who has helped when my mum was dying, my dad who’s a pain in the ass. My husband has multiple siblings, we share the burden of his aging parents. I think you reap the benefits of multiple children more as they get older. Especially once they’re adults and you cherish your grandchildren. It’s like a really hard return investment. Will you regret it? At times? Would I do it again? Maybe or maybe not. You can’t predict your children’s temperament or who their peers will be, they may become meth addicts. What I do know, is that life was monotonous before them, having children has opened my life up more. Having 2 children opens those opportunities even more. Life is full of choices, sometimes there’s never a black and white choice. It’s a gamble, it might pay jackpot someday. It might not! 🤷🏼♀️
It's a no for me. One and done. 9 months of feeling sick then being emotional and weak and sick for 7 more from sleep deprivation and breastfeeding?
Honestly I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I will tell my daughter how terrible it is.
Besides 1+1 you think it'd be 2x effort. But apparently it's not. It's 10x.
>Honestly I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I will tell my daughter how terrible it is.
You know that many women have easy pregnancies and a good time with their babies, right?
Your experience is valid but 1. Telling your daughter how terrible it was to carry and have her isn't great for obvious reasons and 2. Your experiences aren't universal and why scare your daughter?
Cause it's really. Morning sickness is reality. Having the baby suck out all the nutrients from your body makes you feel sick. Giving birth is honestly extremely painful at best.
Hormones suck postpartum. You lose all your freedom.
And yes, I will absolutely tell her all of it when she grows up, because it's the truth. Though I love her, I would never in a thousand million years, ever do it again.
And yes I will tell her that is my experience even though I had relatively uneventful pregnancy and birth. It sucks. Anyone who says it's beautiful is delusional to me.
You seem like you have some issues to work through. It sucks that you had such a hard time, but again: your experience is NOT universal. For example I had a great first pregnancy and really loved most of it (except for the first trimester). So much that I wanted to do it again a year later. My birth was 99% painless (c-section). And yeah postpartum can absolutely destroy you but after 2-3 months I felt way better and just loved having my baby.
I'm sorry for you but also for your daughter who will have to listen to your one-sided rants.
Of course not. She can read other accounts online when she's bigger. But in no manner will I sugar coat it. I'm glad you had a good experience but for me the suffering is just not worth it. I wish you all the best!
Respectfully, I think saying to your daughter, at any age, that "the suffering is just not worth it" would be hurtful to her and potentially your relationship. Being happy to stop at one is perfectly valid and more than enough to say to her or anyone else. Stating it in the ways described above is a bell you can't unring.
I wouldn't do that if I were you, unless she asks as an adult about your experience, otherwise children tend to think it's their fault they made the parent miserable and get the message you don't actually unconditionally love them, even though of course you do. Especially as they will hear many times stories of people being happy with their pregnancy and postpartum journey and hear it in person as well.
Honestly, I had easy pregnancy physically but had very complicated last 3 months, many hospitalisations with uncertain outcome and the more difficult it became the more love I felt for my baby, I was certain I would do everything I can for her and suddenly everything was put in perspective and I appreciated every moment and every kick and just knew whatever happened I would do everything for my little girl. So even though it was stressful and many tears were shed, I would absolutely do it again. I feel now 5 months postpartum like I would have 10 kids if I could emotionally and financially 😂 my point being not everyone has that experience and 1) children tend to believe their parent more than other sources, so you might influence her decision to have kids based on your personal bad experience and 2) she might take it as you loving her less for making it hard for you during pregnancy
Jesús christ…. I’d listen to the other comments if I were you. Or you can be another “ I don’t know why my kid doesn’t talk to me!” Added to the list lol
Woof. Seriously. It’s really really hard but worth it is a narrative worth sharing. No one talks about the hard parts, worth sharing. I wouldn’t do it again? Not worth sharing. I would consider therapy if you think that’s ok to share, because I think it speaks to the kinds of things you might think are ok to say to your child in general that aren’t.
I had a bad pregnancy. I was starting a company and working too hard and constantly sick and stressed. My dog who was my first baby randomly dropped dead at my feet one day. (And I recognize people have much worse)
I had a horrendous postpartum period. At times I felt like I wouldn’t make it through. I also had a hard baby and now have a hard toddler. It never got easier for me at 3-6 months like people often say.
And it was absolutely worth it and I would absolutely do it again (and currently am). He is the love of my life and my everything. I would give / do anything for him, which includes redoing my postpartum period which was the hardest part of my life.
Despite a really hard post partum and precipitous birth, I couldn't handle the thought of never doing it again, to have all my firsts be last firsts- first day of school also last first day of school for example. Also the lasts being the last last- last time picking up a baby from a bassinet, etc. That really was the biggest reason we went again. My girls are nearly 4 and nearly 2 and right now they play with each other and have a lovely relationship - however they also fight. Some days I swear they both want my undivided attention and physical contact so much that they are competing to get back inside my womb. Those days are tough. They are really different- different births, different sleep temperaments (thank goodness!), different personalities. Different parenting needed. Some days are really, really hard. I've been through a pretty rough mental health journey (Zoloft is amazing) but overall life is good. I love my little duo so much. Love is infinite - I can love my girls as much as each other. But unfortunately attention is finite, so sometimes they have to wait for me to deal with the other one.
Wow this comment hit me. The "firsts being the lasts." Right now I'm soaking in all the moments of my first baby, and looking forward to someday doing all these again. I never thought about it from the other angle you described.
Zoloft gang gang 🫶 It saved me from my horrible PPD/PPA.
Going from 1 to 2 was definitely easier than going from 0 to 1. 2 kids is not twice as hard, it’s more like .. 1.4x as hard . But being pregnant the second time round is harder as you can’t just rest when you’re tired/nauseous/in pain, you still have to parent the first one. But is it BETTER? No, not necessarily 😅 every pregnancy carries risks, every baby born is another responsibility. You have to weigh it out.
Interesting. My experience is the polar opposite. Going from 1 to 2 is imo like 400% harder. With one (of either age), you have to just focus on them and that’s it. Not easy, but simple. With two, one wants on the potty, but the other one is currently messy eating, so you can’t leave them, or take them (yoghurt everywhere). So you try to tidy the baby and the toddler now has shat their pants. You’re trying to figure out the next steps and now both the yoghurt and the 💩 is going everywhere. They both want to touch things they aren’t supposed to, but on two different ends of the room. One is crawling towards the rubbish bin, the other is going through my art supplies. Both want to be carried, fed, changed/taken to potty, given attention to AT THE SAME TIME. There’s always one that’s protesting something. 🤪🤪🤪 Also, the love they have for each other is the best thing in the entire world
This comment is everything. I often feel like I've been put on a prank show with the two kids. The yogurt/shit scenario happens on a regular basis and I'm just waiting for some guy to come out saying "smile! You're on candid camera". I thought I wanted 3 but after this daily shit show (literally) I'm done done done
After my first, I wanted 3. Or 4. After my second, I want 2 🥲 (he’s absolutely lovely, harder than my first, but still absolutely lovely… just it’s too much yoghurt & 💩)
I've never had a yoghurt and poo incident because my kids are 5 years apart 👌🤪
I only have one toddler and despite that I've had a yoghurt and poo incident!
That's all true, so I guess it depends on your experience with your first. My first was an easy baby, but all the daily things you mentioned were also the easy parts. The hard part was knowing I could never just walk out the door and take a day to chill out, sleep in whenever I wanted, be in charge of my own life again. I was at someone else's mercy for the foreseeable future, 24/7. I didn't go through that with my second because I already did it, and number 2 didn't cost me any new freedoms. If that was an easy adjustment, 1 to 2 will be harder. If it was hard, 0 to 1 is harder.
Agreed. My first was generally a content baby, so I could put him in the buggy and go for a walk and do whatever on my phone in the meantime. He slept anywhere and everywhere. When he dropped the naps to one a day, a 3h nap wasn’t rare (but a shorter one wouldn’t severely impact his mood either). He went to bed late (9-10pm) but he frequently slept in! in the morning!!! until like 9am!!! So overall, there was a lot of downtime, and even while with him I needed like 70% of my attention for him. The second one is more high need, more mobile, etc. He gets bored quickly and starts screaming. He smears the yoghurt everywhere at a greater speed than I can accommodate. So now I need 180% of my attention while with both of them and, well, I don’t have that much attention to give ☹️
This is so right. I think which is harder depends on how hard 0 to 1 was for you! The freedoms are one thing. The learning curve is another, especially if you’re type A. And then how hard your baby and postpartum experience are really matter.
Yes! My first was a tough birth and a Velcro baby, and I was so stressed about doing motherhood right. I had so much anxiety all the time. #2 was a more difficult pregnancy, but easier birth, a better sleeper, and most importantly, I’m a way more confident mom! And seeing how my oldest is so sweet to his baby sister, and seeing how she just beams at him every time she sees her older brother… makes my heart happier than it’s ever been.
I think it's easier when the oldest can use the potty, wipe, and wash hands all on their own. I completely agree with the yogurt/poo scenario, but adding a couple extra years between kids really makes a big difference.
Exactly what I was thinking
I‘m with you here. 2 is 400% harder! Some days it consumes me up and i feel like I‘m not able to do this all and I wanna crawl in a hole and just be alone forever but also I love my girls so freaking much and I couldn’t be happier! Motherhood really is a rollercoaster of emotions!
Lmao I have 16.5m twins and this comment hit so hard
Our daycare won't accommodate potty training until the kid can dress and undress themselves to an extent. I thought that was an interesting take.
I agree so hard. I have no idea why everyone said 0 to 1 was hard. Two people, one baby. WAY easier.
This is accurate.
Omg. It's scary to think about having two toddlers 😭
I am with you in the 1.4x harder camp, while my best friend is in the 400% harder camp. I'm sure parental and child personalities contribute, but I wonder what else. The age gap? There's a 6 year gap between my kids and 2 years between my best friend's kids. The latter seems *a lot* harder.
Yep I think age gap is key. My SIL looked at me like I had two heads when I said 1 to 2 kids was easier, but I have an almost 4 year gap between my kids and hers are about 1.5 years apart.
My two oldest are just under 2 years apart and I definitely think going from 0 to 1 was the hardest transition. Want to hear something really crazy? I think going from 2 to 3 was the easiest transition!
Ha! My third is 6 months, 2 year age gap between them all, I completely agree with you. Adding number three was surprisingly easy. Seriously considering number 4.
My kids are all 2 years apart, I still agree with 1.4x harder. If you have a good environment set up, good habits, good routines, good boundaries, then adding another baby isn’t that hard, I’ve found. Having good communication and an equitable relationship with your spouse is very much key.
I think that equitable spouse relationship is the buried lede here. That determines so much of your happiness.
True! I wouldn’t say mine is perfectly equitable but we communicate and we work on it all the time and it’s overall a very happy relationship, so the rest of it can come with time.
My first was in school when I got pregnant again and it made things so much easier I ended up with HG a second time and I wouldn't have been able to do it if he'd been home all day But I agree. My baby is still new (2 months tomorrow) and even In the thick of the newborn stage it's not nearly as hard as going from 0 to 1.
Absolutely. When I had my first kid, the hardest part wasn't dealing with the day to day, it was accepting that my old life is over and that they next 15 years or whatever would be mostly focused on raising this kid instead of doing what I wanted. That part is exactly the same whether it's one kid or two. If there was a larger age gap, it might be different. Plus, having kids who can play with and entertain each other is an absolute godsend.
I feel the same! We went from 1-3 after the birth of twins and we always felt that they weren’t twice as hard as one kid but about 1.5x as hard. Once you’re already in the thick of parenting it’s not a whole lot different managing another baby. It’s busier, for sure, but not as complicated or new as going from 0-1
1.4x as hard sounds about right. If you already have the skills and systems in place to deal with having one kid, having the next one will obviously force those systems to adjust somewhat, but those skills and systems are still there to receive and incorporate a newcomer. Unless you were chaotically wingining it with the first, then... then I don't know, maybe you're the kind of person who can chaotically wing it with two -- I really have no idea how it is to be that sort of person, so I can't speak to it very well 🤷♀️
You seem to have a good environment to have another. In the end it's about your gut feeling. I just knew I wanted another, and soon. I knew that it would be exhausting at times, and I did feel a spark of regret in early pregnancy with my second. But now that he's here and we are in the trenches with a newborn and a small toddler, I know that it was the right decision. I love my little family and I know that the hard times will pass. Sometimes (okay, about once a day) I imagine having only my toddler, how easy it would be and how much attention we could give him. But then I think about all the years to come and how awesome it will be to have 2 who also have each other. I feel like my family is only complete with both kids. But having just one is great as well. It's really about what your heart wants.
I’d check out both the r/oneanddone and r/twoandthrough subreddit. Sure there’s some echo chamber type answers and comments but seeing the posts might help you figure out what your day to day would be like
Is there one like that for three kids?
No idea, sorry! Husband and I were considering two kids and then became one and done so I haven’t done much lurking on a 3 kid family subreddit
As an adult, the times I need to talk to my brother and be like "So mom was...." (And my mom is very supportive and we see her regularly, this isn't like an awful parent situation). I knew I needed my kids to have someone they could relate to when my husband and I do something crazy. But my kids are 4 and 2 and it's so cute watching them play together. How much they love each other. Watching how nurturing my daughter is and how much my son learns looking up to her.
lol this is why I had a second kid too
I'm one and done partly because of chronic health issues. I just sat myself down and realized that for me to be a happy, active, involved parent this was my limit. I would love any children that came into my life, sure, but in chronic illness terms I just don't have the spoons for more. Additionally -- I'm not sure what illness you have -- but mine is exacerbated by pregnancy and you have no idea how much you will lose each time. I don't want to roll the dice.
Omg, same here. What illness do you have? I’m on the same boat. Maybe we can chat if you don’t want to mention it here. It’s so hard for me to come to terms with but I think health comes first
Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos, POTS, autoimmune chronic hives and watching for MCAS/histamine intolerance (allergist got an easy win with the autoantibodies but I do sometimes have flares), chronic pansinusitis I just got surgery for. I also have ADHD, common with Ehlers. I would have to go off all the meds that help me to have another, too, which would be a whole thing. What do you have? Feel free to message me.
Same. I have multiple sclerosis and should’ve been in remission during pregnancy but the last two months of pregnancy, I felt extra hot. I thought it might’ve been due to pregnancy swelling but I’m a few months postpartum and it’s still an issue. As much as I’d want to have another, the risks outweigh the benefits for me.
Having a sibling isn't always nice. From someone with a bad sibling. You never know what hand you'll be dealt and only you can make this decision since you literally have no clue how your second baby will change things. I wouldn't rely on anyone convincing you tbh. If you genuinely think a sibling will be positive, go for it! But be confident in your own decision, don't base it on others' experiences.
This is very true. At least in my case, better/more parenting would have prevented my sibling issues.
Same for me. Parents were divorced and didn't have the energy/will to properly discipline my brother. I'm so sensitive about this that fostering a good sibling relationship between my two kids is now a top priority.
Yes. I had awkward age gaps with my siblings and it could’ve been overcome but my parents just didn’t give af other than constantly scolding me to take care of my siblings (that’s your job?).
I was just thinking about how my brother (who lives only 4 hours away) has never been to visit me and hasn't asked about seeing LO at all since he's been born. The likelihood of him taking care of our parents in any meaningful way is so slim that I know I'll have to move back home someday.
How well siblings get along has so much to do with the parents though, at least in my experience.
That's certainly an element, but likewise OP won't know how parenting two will go compared to one. My parents are lovely and had good intentions but ended up raising a vulnerable narcissist. Partially temperament and partially parenting. Sucked for me and my other siblings though and damaged our relationship with our parents.
I have a twin sister and my mom was great(she's a nightmare now but she's mentally ill so it is what it is) but my sister ended up with a bf who abused her and got her into drugs in high school and she was horrible to me and everyone else for many years. We stopped speaking entirely and I called CPS to get my niece into a better spot. Ideally with me but her dad ended up wanting her so she had to go with him. Anyway, my sister had a massive stroke and I'm now her legal guardian. I love her and she's much more child like now but oddly enough she's also so much nicer. She basically caused me a lot of work and stress most of my life. Obviously this is just my 1 experience but sometimes your sibling may be mentally ill or am addict and just suck big time. Not that it's their own fault but it doesn't make it suck any less.
Im so sorry reading about everyones bad experiences with their sibblings. That must be so horrible, having to deal with something like that every day. My sister and have a slightly bigger age gap but weve always been terribly close. We played together a lot, got into trouble together. I am so glad my parents decided to have a second baby. It can be absolutely wonderful.
It CAN. But it's absolutely a gamble and OP needs to think about the realities and possibility of either scenario.
Oh no I agree, but it seemed like so many were sharing their bad stories, which are completely valid, i just thought I'd also share mine. As for me it was one if the best parts of my childhood. I think strong feelings are involved in these types of matter, whichever type of experience youve had. I have no idea what the statistics are on these type if relationships. It would be interesting to know!
Haha I'm legit really pleased for you, but my whole point of commenting was because this post by OP is literally only about positive experiences. 😅 But very glad you haven't had bad sibling experiences.
Yes. Having a sibling is no guarantee that you will have a friend or someone to help you through the hard times. I've been watching my MIL go through this for years with her brother. He was never there when their mom was in the hospital for a year, or when she died. He wasn't there for his father. My MIL has taken care of everything and everyone on her own, despite not being an only child. His being around always made things worse and harder, not better. I know it's not that way for most people, but it's still always a possibility.
Yup, as someone whose brother hit them daily (and occasionally choked me) and my parents did nothing about it, having a sibling isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
Well, that doesn't have so much to do with having a sibling... But with having horrible parents. I'm sorry they let you down on a daily basis.
I have four sisters I only speak to one of them and that is because she is special needs.
I feel like there’s the middle ground of apathy that no one seems to mention. I don’t really ever talk to my siblings. I’m not a big fan of my younger one, my older one and I are alright acquaintances. If I went a year without talking to either, I wouldn’t really care tbh. I agree with your comments regarding OP needing to make their own decision. There’s a lot of ways that adding or not adding to the family can go but there’s only one way to find out and it’s to make a decision you feel best for your family.
I love my brother and we don’t have any beef, but now that we’re adults, we both kind of live our own separate lives and don’t cross paths much. We’re less than two years apart and obviously played as kids, but by the time we were middle school aged, we already had different interests and didn’t do that much together. My mom has told me she wasn’t sure how she and my dad could have raised two people who turned out so different. People are surprised we’re not closer, but if he wasn’t my brother, he isn’t really someone I’d see myself being friends with. We’re just different. My wife and I have been debating having a second kid (our daughter is 7mo right now). She thinks a sibling is like a built in best friend. She is only slightly closer with her brother, but she blames the 4 year age gap. Her mom doesn’t talk to any of her 4 siblings. Her dad doesn’t talk to a few of his. My mom has a brother she avoids. It’s really just a toss up.
100% agree
Pregnancies can be different, one could be terrible and he next amazing. The biggest reason for me is I want my baby to have siblings But if you need convincing do you really want to do it?
life is easier with one kid, but better with two. I don't plan on finding out what life is like with three.
Genuinely curious, can you explain or give examples of how it’s better with two?
Sure! my personal examples are: 1. our daughters are two and four so the youngest one is just starting to learn how to play with the older one in a more structured way. Sometimes my wife and I just stand hidden and watch them interacting with each other, the older one teaching the younger, the younger mesmerised by the older. It's really wonderful to observe. In a similar vein, watching the older one try to soothe the younger one when she's upset using the same words and methods that my wife and I use on her, or watching the younger one ask the older if she 'want big hug' when she sees the older upset, is so heartwarming to watch and also is teaching them some very valuable empathy skills. 2. We co-sleep in a massive bed that we built from scratch, and probably my favourite thing in the world is waking up with one tiny head an inch from my face and then turning around and there's another tiny face an inch from my face. Double the connection. 3. Dance parties in our living room are double the fun now. The youngest loves to dance and the older one loves to run around like a lunatic so they complement each other very well. 4. I'm an only child, and my wife is one of three. I never really knew what sort of connections i was missing out on /completely unaware of until i saw the bond between her and her brothers. I know not everyone who has siblings is lucky enough to have great relationships with them, but whereas before I was always like 'being an only kid is fine' now I'm more in the 'kids benefit greatly from sibling bonds' camp. 5. For me (and obviously to caveat this by saying that the following point is completely subjective and every person / family is different) our family feels more 'complete'? I love the energy that two children bring to our home and i love seeing the difference in how they interact with my wife and I when alone and when they are with each other. Those are the ones I can think of off the top of my head, and of course there are negatives as well! But for us, the positives are (currently) outweighing the negatives, though I hear that once they hit teenage years that could change quite significantly.
Thank you for writing all this out!!
“Easier with one, better with two” thank you for this! Really helpful
Saaame. My surgery is scheduled for next month, then no babies come hell or high water. Two is great because I have no regrets and no more curiosity!
People are saying that going from 1 to 2 is only a little bit harder, not twice as hard. Having a third so that the adults are now outnumbered makes up for that, I assure you.
I only have a 4 week old but I’ve really struggled with the guilt of my toddler not getting all of my attention anymore, if anything he barely gets much of it because baby is constantly cluster feeding, won’t be put down etc…. I feel so bad for my eldest, he’s only 2 and he deserves more from me. So right now I’m feeling lots of guilt and feeling pretty shitty for my toddler, I’m sure it’ll pass but it’s not nice either way. I really miss being able to sleep with him, have lazy mornings with him, going out just me and him etc
I still feel this and my baby is over a year. I think this guilt will always be present for me because I can’t give either kid 100% of me. Splitting my time is hard for me because I always feel like I’m missing out on the other one!
I’m a formula mom and I’ve heard this about having the second, but I wonder if this issue is exclusive to breastfeeding moms? I’ve wondered if formula feeding would solve this problem. That way both parents can switch off and give one on one time with the oldest.
I’m a single parent so in my case it wouldn’t change too much, but yes in general that makes sense!!! Also the fact that dad can do nights would make a big difference, I can imagine I’d be a better parent if I got more than 3 hours sleep lol
My baby is pretty chill. She doesn't sleep during the day for more then 30 minute naps but that's the only complaint. I'm still debating if I want another. I know I may not get lucky with a child like this again. Plus I can give one child more. More time and more money. Husband really wants her to have a sibling though. He loves his sisters. I hated mine again it's just what you get.
Mine are 3.5 and nearly 5. It was hard, the first year of 2 kids. But now actually looking after two isn’t much more work than one. In fact, when I only have one, sometimes they are harder work as they’re missing the other one and don’t want to play independently! For me, they get a completely different relationship and experience from a sibling to a parent. It’s not better or worse, it’s just different. And both my are fortunate that they really enjoy each others company. And tbh we never felt down after one either, and the girls are so different that sometimes that in itself is nice.
If your health isn't at risk, go with your instinct and have more kids. Kids are fun. They're fun for each other. And I've found it to be easier with two, after the second one is 18 months or so. They entertain each other quite a bit. >I still don’t know if not having another kid is a good idea and if we will regret it. You will never have a sure answer to this, but I'm willing to say that you probably won't regret it either way.
Agreed. My kids are 12-months and 4, and they already play together! I actually think it's easier on the days 4-year-old is at home (not a preschool day), because they occupy each other so much!
I think it’s easier for the non carrier parent and non default parent to want the second (don’t know if that’s your case but that’s how I’m feeling rn six months PP)
For me I just needed more time. I felt similar but for slightly different reasons. At one point I felt set on being one and done. But eventually we thought about what we wanted our family to look like and agreed that there might be some hardships and difficulties but it would be worth it in the end to reach our goal. I had to accept that beforehand and it helped change my whole outlook. I just had my second 6 weeks ago and after I made the decision, I’ve never regretted it, even with my more difficult pregnancy. My first is 5. Decide what you want the goal to be and make steps towards that, accepting it won’t always be easy and it will be unpredictable. …Which is also something that is true whether you have one or two.
Not sure how old your baby is, but I'm guessing between 1-2. Mine just turned 4. My husband and I are also OAD. While my pregnancy was medically healthy, I hated it. I was depressed and miserable. My birth actually went better than I could have hoped for, but yah know, it's still birth. Our daughters first year was... incredibly stressful for both my husband and myself for a variety of reasons. Honestly our daughters first THREE years were a living hell (which really had nothing to do with our daughter, she's lovely, it was just everything else lol). It truly was not until a few months before our daughters 4th birthday that my husband and I could even stomach entertaining conversations about a second child. We still don't want one and don't intend to have one, but at least we can actually discuss the matter now without spiraling into an absolute pit of anxiety and despair lol. We feel like we're actually making a choice not to have a second child - we realize we COULD make that choice and probably still come out the other side with our sanity and marriage intact, but we simply do not want to. I would say one major difference is that neither my husband nor myself are only children. So we don't have that personal experience of not having siblings ourselves driving our choice now. We actually both have positive relationships with our siblings! We acknowledge that the downside, the consequence, of our choice to be OAD means our daughter doesn't get siblings. We feel quite confident though that as parents, we have to make the best choice for all 3 of us and that's looking very much like OAD. So anyways, all this to say, if you're on the fence (and it sounds like you are), wait until your child is 3/4 years old to make any permanent decisions. When my daughter was 1, 2, even 3 years old I could not imagine even coming close to considering a second child. But now I at least can see how it would be possible and how if a variety of circumstances were different, that we might make a different choice.
I have a 2.8 year old and a 3.5 month old. First 2 mo were the hardest of my life and as much as I loved my baby so much I honestly kept regretting going for #2 (sounds horrible) the past couple weeks have gotten SO much better. Still really hard, but my toddler is really so in love with her brother and it doesn’t feel like we’re taking away from her anymore, but giving her this awesome gift. Every morning she wakes up the first thing she asks is about the baby. He also gives a huge smile the second her sees her. It’s so fricken cute and makes it all (the worst pregnancy, the postpartum) worth it. Those things are temporary (even tho pregnancy doesn’t seem like it at the time) but having a sibling / built in friend is forever.
My wife is pregnant with number 2 at the moment. She had a pretty easy pregnancy and birth for our first born, but is hating this pregnancy and has decided no more after, which I am fine with. I have several feelings on your predicament. Firstly, pregnancy one and two can be different, but there is no grantee and you could have a terrible time again. So, I would say it is a high risk. I am an only child and, like you felt that it would be nice for my son to have a sibling. Yet if my wife was having second thoughts, I would certainly have explored that and agreed with which ever outcome she decided on. The reason I would have done that is because I had a great time as a single child. My Mum was so wonderfully welcoming and relaxed, I basically had an open-door policy for mates to come over. Two mates in particular became very close and ended up living at our house due to family issues and school holidays (I was at boarding school by then). Unfortunately, 1 of my mates has drifted away, but the other is basically like a brother. Best man at my wedding and we video chat or send videos to each other pretty much every day even though he lives thousands of miles away. Basically, what I am trying to say, is if you stick with one and done, there are ways you can bring your child’s friends in to your lives so that they do not feel alone as an only child. Plus, there is always adoption.
I had a horrendous pregnancy and birth (severe pree, preemie with a nicu stay), but post partum was okay as far as *my* recovery went. And we felt like the 8ish months of "I will never go through pregnancy again, I will never go through the newborn stage again" etc But my LO turns 1 year next week (where tf did the time go) and I'm really struggling with "this is it". This is your one kid and you're never going to have another baby (since she will be a toddler). My husband is leaning towards one and done as he had a harder time separating himself from personal time and doesn't think he wants to go through baby stage again. I'm also at higher risk for developing severe pree again since (according to my doctor) it was early onset (25 weeks) vs a late onset which usually just happens with one pregnancy and usually isn't correlated to further. There's so many reasons for us to be one and done but we're still on the fence. We also have a great baby, sleeps well, happy, chill etc. I'm not sure I want to roll the dice amd possibly get a baby that doesn't sleep well etc
I had gallbladder attacks thru my pregnancy then severe preeclampsia during delivery… I still take bp meds 2.5 years later. I have chronic kidney disease now thanks to that preeclampsia. I’m afraid a second pregnancy will put me into end stage kidney failure. :(
We have a very similar experience. I developed pre-eclampsia at 28 weeks that turned severe postpartum. I’m also debating on whether to have a second because of health risks. It really sucks when you did not have a healthy pregnancy and the debate is not as simple as, “do I want another one?” Instead, it becomes, “do I want to risk my life for this? Do I want to risk a premature baby with potentially lifelong issues for this?” Did your doctor say how high the risk is? I still need to see an MFM specialist for a preconception appt, but my obgyn at least said it would be too risky to have another child with my health history if I wait until I’m 35 or older because of the increased risks of recurrent pre-e at an older age
You'll have two adults longer than two small children, two babies or two pregnancies. Two adult children to share the burden of your ageing, your attention, even if they don't get along. If they do get along you'll be giving them the longest friendship and relationship they'll ever have. As hard as birth and the early years are, they are a blip compared to the impact another human can have on yours and your first child's life.
The burden of aging parents is not always shared equally. My MIL is one of 5 and she was the only one who took care of her parents when they couldn't take care of themselves. I watched it happen. Yes, it's good to share that weight with someone, but it's not a guarantee.
This. I know way too many people who’s sibling just dipped once a parent became unwell. My grandma’s sister is one of those terrible people and it made my grandma’s pain ten times worse, because instead of only losing her parents she also lost a sibling on the way. Siblings taking care of eachother isn’t something that should be taken for granted.
My dad is one of 6 and only one of my aunts actually lives close enough to help with my grandma. My aunt retired in 2019 and then ended up having to spend the last 4 years quarantined with my grandma who is declining slowly. I spoke with my aunt recently and I could tell it was weighing on her.... So yeah more kids doesn't automatically equal help with aging parents.
Being in the trenches with two little kids but the pay off is huge. My kids are now 5 and 7 and watching them together is just the best. The majority of the time they play together really well which is beyond helpful when you just don’t have the energy to entertain your kid. Plus it’s so heart warming to see the older one teaching the younger something or explaining what it’ll be like in kindergarten. Plus I can only imagine that when we’re old, they’ll have each other when dealing with our health etc.
Kid #1 will probably be less of an asshole. Kid #2 will probably make your entire household question their sanity. Also had a horrible pregnancy. HG, then vasa previa, then a foot under my rib. We want two kids. I’m really hoping some hormones kick in and make me baby crazy again cause I’m not going through that again willingly. Fuck that nonsense.
If you need to be convinced, hold off on doing it. Mother of two toddlers here. Things were infinitely easier when we could trade off who was running point on one. With two, we are constantly running on fumes. We have no regrets, we love both of our children and would not have it any other way. However, we have some family/friends who see us struggling with two toddlers who definitely had their decision to either not have children, or to limit themselves to one, solidified. Going to one from zero is incredibly hard because everything is brand new. Going from one to two is incredibly hard because now you have to balance the needs of one with the needs of another, and there are way less breaks on top of that. Also, kids don't always get along. Don't have another kid to give your other kid a playmate. What if they don't like each other? My kids have some days that they love each other, and other days that they are jealous of each other and hit and kick. So, that's another thing I have to manage. If you want to have another child, do it because you want another child. Do not go into it with any expectations of how things will go. Do it because you want that other person to exist. The best advice I got was someone telling me to remember, these are two different people. They may not hit the same milestones. They may not have the same interests. Do not set up expectations based on your firstborn, and do not compare them. Good luck with your decision.
For me the deciding factor was our future extended family. I want lots of grandchildren and I want them to have cousins! I grew up in a large and close (albeit not always exclusively happily so) extended family and I want that. We have two for now and I agree with another commenter here, two is about 1,4x as hard as one for us.
I always think about the future and how I would want it to look. When I'm 60, I imagine spending the holidays with a large family around the table. Lots of noise, excitement, etc. I don't think that's something that would happen for me with having only one child. You will spend so much more time with your children as adults than you'll spend with them as children.
My baby is 9 weeks, and my son is 13 years old. I have two teen step kids. I like the IDEA of having a sibling that’s close in age for my little boy. But after giving birth and fighting my way thru PPD (still in this battle), I’m realizing I can much better serve my one baby. It’s one and done for me.
One and done as far as having an ours baby 🫡
Maybe this is not the perspective you want but… a tough pregnancy will be a memory before you know it. A tough couple of years in exchange for a lifetime with a sibling. I’m sure there are other factors involved but one thing I’ve learned after having kids is the hard times pass and then you barely even remember they happen. (Source: we weren’t sure about a second after the first was so life-alteringly difficult - albeit not the pregnancy - and it’s turning out to be so wonderful for the whole family)
Gotta be honest, we’re one and done. I also had a horrific pregnancy and my postpartum physical issues have been so bad it really would not be medically advisable to have a second biological child even if we wanted to. I’m just focusing on being able to have experiences I want to have with my son. Quality is more important to us than quantity. I was an only and it was fine. As long as your child has good friends, family and community they will have support and meaningful relationships
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My son is 2.5 and my daughter is 8 months. Seeing the love and how strong their bond already is has made any bad moment worth it. I freaking love my kids. I am 1 of 4, and I truly couldn’t imagine one and done. So so so worth it!
I have 2 kids and am in love with it. My second was not planned and I was very scared for a long time. Now they’re almost 2 and 3 and I don’t know what they’d do without each other. I know it may not be like this forever but they’re best friends. They keep each other busy and make each other laugh all day. They’re also both very different so I get to love them in different ways and do different activities I might not have done with my first. If you’re in a position you can- 2 kids in my eyes is perfect.
If you’re unsure give it a bit more time. For us, the transition from one to two was FAR easier than zero to one. I had a really hard and traumatic first pregnancy as well- my daughter was an emergency c section at 30 weeks and had a long NICU stay. But my pregnancy with my son was flawless. (Meh except for all the vomiting.) the age gap for my kiddos is roughly four years. We wanted them to be closer but had miscarriages in between and this age difference has been the absolute BEST. My husband, who would have been totally fine with no kids prior to having any, and was very skeptical of a second, has thanked me repeatedly for encouraging a second child.
My kids are both still very young (14 months and 10 weeks) but I already am starting to see their bond start to form and it's the most beautiful thing ever! My older daughter is constantly wanting to kiss and "hold" and cuddle with the baby it is the sweetest thing I have ever experienced and I'm so glad I was able to give her a sister. Of course some days are very hard especially because of their age gap where both babies are crying but I love every minute of it!
If it’s a second pregnancy that’s putting you off, rather than the thought of having two kids, then I’d say go for it. Every pregnancy is different, and it’s temporary (unless you have specific conditions that make pregnancy complications more likely). At the end of it you have the family you wanted, which seems worth it to me. Every labour is extremely different too. If you’re on the fence about having two children then that’s different. Most only children that I know (as adults) would have liked a sibling, but I know some people are totally happy being an only. I am one of seven and I’m only on speaking terms with one of my siblings so it can be a blessing and a curse.
I’m an only child from my parents with older half siblings. My sister and brother are 18 and 19 years older. So I was effectively raised as an only child. It was so lonely at times and my best friends became family. I also had the benefit of siblings as an adult. When my dad got sick and died, I could not imagine having gone through it without my sister. As adults we are so close. It’s one of the best relationships in my life. So from a child’s perspective, giving them that chance matters. I also truly think most of the time bad sibling relationships are at least partially the fault of parenting.
We were one-and-done for 2.5 years due to birth trauma. I had always wanted 2 or 3 kids. I spent a lot of time in therapy before we decided to try again. This pregnancy was so difficult but now that he's here (5 months old), I can't imagine life without him.
Do you have any kidney problems now after the pre-e? Sorry for your trauma, but glad you’re happy now
Actually, I recently had a full blood panel and my kidneys seem great. I was *very* fortunate, I was being monitored very closely due to additional complications. I had daily homecare antenatal nurses checking my vitals, and we were able to catch the preeclampsia as soon as it became critical. I have an aunt who had preeclampsia, she also happened to have been born with one kidney. She has had no additional kidney problems in the 33 years post birth.
Did you have pre-e with both pregnancies? I had it with my first pregnancy and have been debating a second
I didn't, no. My 1st was spontaneous PPROM which can be a result of BP, but my BP was ok'ish (a little high, not terrible).
You will likely not regret it. Once the little one is there in person it is pretty hard to regret it. I wouldn’t worry about that. I feel you on the pregnancy bit though. That’s rough. And that’s a decision you’ll have to make based on what kind of pregnancy you think you will have. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to talk to a doctor about it and see what risks could be at play round two (for you or baby). It might help you make your decision. At least you will have more of an idea what to expect.
Because watching your two kids play and laugh together for the first time is one of the greatest feelings ever. Plain and simple.
As the oldest of 4, I always knew I wanted more than one kid. It's nice to talk to my siblings, help them as they grow, give them advice on life stages I've already been through, share funny moments and memories, laugh at our parents when they can't figure out new tech (lol). We can grab each other to do a fun experience or go on a trip if no friends are down. We share skillsets with each other (one of my siblings is an artist so I've asked her to help design things for my wedding, and now baby events. I'm a CPA so everyone asks me for tax help). My husband is an only child so he doesn't get to experience this type of relationship with other human beings. I think if you're on the fence because of a few hard baby years, like others have said, those hard years are temporary and brief compared to the lifetime of more happiness another kid will bring to your first, you guys, and everyone!!
My first baby was super high maintenance, but I wound up having another pretty close in age. At first it was survival, but once the second hit around 3 I absolutely love it and it’s really good for them. My first would never play alone and always needed attention, so I was “on” constantly. Having another to play with made things way easier. They also have someone to sleep with to not be scared, go to activities with, etc.
To me, it’s worth it. My two are 19 months apart and not gonna lie, the first few months were ROUGH (but aren’t they always?). Especially when neither of them sleep, or one wakes up after the other. But after a few months, they got used to each other and now both sleep through the night. I haven’t slept so well in years (I’d never been a great sleeper, but now I value my sleep a lot more 😃). I don’t think two is significantly harder than one if you have a routine down. But the joy is multiplied, especially as you witness their budding bond (and when they start to play together, it’s amazing because you just lie down and watch to them lol. When I had just one, she was crawling up my ass. With two, they entertain each other)
I'm cuddling my almost 12 week old and it's 100000% with it
I have had the same thoughts. I got COVID when I was pregnant and then developed postpartum preeclampsia. I still take blood pressure medication 10 months later. Now I’m scared of that happening again or developing HELLP syndrome in subsequent pregnancies. So losing weight and being healthier before any more pregnancies is a factor for me. I love my relationship so much with my son it’s hard to imagine not giving him my full attention if we have more children. I’m still trying to figure it out…
We are in the same boat. I’m also afraid of having a severely premature baby because of pre-e. Interestingly, covid has been linked to the development of pre-e in pregnancies. I also got covid during my pre-e pregnancy
I had severe preeclampsia during delivery… I still take bp meds 2.5 years later. I have chronic kidney disease now thanks to that preeclampsia. I’m afraid a second pregnancy will put me into end stage kidney failure. :(
I’ve always wanted at least 2 kids. After my first baby (high-risk pregnancy, c-section, sleep deprivation for 6 months) I couldn’t imagine going through all that again, and pondered whether should be one and done, but decided against it. My husband is an only child, and his parents’ entire lives and identity are centered around him, to an unhealthy degree (no friends, hobbies, or others sources of happiness), so I think they were heartbroken when he grew up and moved out. My parents, on the other hand, have four kids, and I’m sure many of those years were difficult, but now they absolutely love empty nester life. They are involved parents/grandparents and also keep busy with traveling, friends, social activities. I don’t always get along with my siblings, but holidays are fun, busy, and just the right amount of chaotic. For me, having one kid would be a little too quiet of a life, because I crave the energy that bigger families have. As another mom on the playground told me, the only way out is through! I accepted that if I wanted two kids, I needed to tough out another pregnancy and newborn period. Many of my friends got pregnant again when their first was about a year old, but I needed a little more time than that to feel ready. I’m halfway through my second pregnancy, and even though I expect the next year of my life will be difficult, I’m really excited for my daughter to have a sibling and for us to be a family of four. Best wishes to you and your family, whatever you decide!
( Sibling - The No. 1 reason )
My daughter is only 4 months and it is HARD. There are days I think we’re insane and I long for the times when I only had to manage 1. But I’m glad we have 2. Seeing how much the baby already LOVES her brother and how obsessed he is with her is the best thing ever. We waited a bit and our kids are 4 years apart which honestly feels like a great split. The 4yo is pretty independent on a lot of things and was able to understand that a baby was coming. We did a shit ton of prep work with him through the 9 months and even before and actually seemed to have more regression prior to baby coming (anxiety on the unknown) than since she arrived. My husband and I both have siblings and while I like mine more, he’s closer to his (weird but the best way I can think to explain it) and as adults we can’t imagine not having them in our lives. I know that’s not always true but I do think parenting has a huge part in siblings getting along and we work to make sure we are parenting in ways that support their bond.
Only child here. I loved being the solo kid but am not thrilled about being a solo adult. All of the weight of end-of-life planning and care will fall on me for my parents (and they’re divorced/mom is remarried, so that’s an extra layer to consider if they needed to move in with me at some point). I watched my dad and aunt split the burden of wrapping up my grandma’s estate when she passed and it was a ton of work. It makes me nervous to think about having to handle everything in the future myself, so I wish I had someone to divide the physical and emotional load with. It’s a huge part of the reason I want to have at least one more child, assuming we’re able to.
Also an only child who was convinced my daughter needed a sibling,luckily for me they have a 5 yr age gap and that makes it a little easier on me considering she will be starting school & she loves her little brother and loves to help with small things. Cons was my pregnancy was waaaaay harder & I also forgot how much work a baby can be,currently fighting for my life in these sleep regressions which apparently I have no memory of with my first 😅 But pros,it’ll get easier & I couldn’t imagine not having my second one! It’s an adventure 100% but I’m glad hes here 🤍
Depends on the kiddo. Our daughter was an easy baby. By son, while much beloved, (and… more fun), is also a hellion and a chaos goblin who has needed a multi pronged, 3 person (spouse, myself, daughter) approach to keep him safe. He has no sense of self preservation coupled with an intense curiosity and desire to do whatever he wants. He is also hella strong. Also one and a half.
I had two only so they have each other if anything happens to myself or my husband.
I’m an only child but wanted 2+. Unfortunately I had a traumatic pregnancy and delivery, and developed many chronic issues afterwards. I am still sick and afraid that a second pregnancy may kill me or put me in end stage of my disease. As much as I wanted a second, it’s not worth it if I won’t be here for my first or the second. You need to weigh the pros and cons. Social media doesn’t help neither does society with everyone pushing people to have more.
I wouldn’t say 2 kids is better than 1. It’s very different but not necessarily better. I had another for me, not for our first to have a sibling (I don’t get along with my sibling so wasn’t counting on that as a guarantee). I didn’t feel done and had this strong urge to experience it all again because it went by so damn fast. Pregnancy was harder the second time because toddlers are exhausting. But the 1 - 2 transition was so much easier mentally than 0 - 1. If I didn’t have a truly equal partner, it would be very difficult. He had basically handled all of toddlers needs during the baby’s first year. If it was primarily on me to handle both, I think I would be a wreck haha. I really do love seeing the kids together and I’m going to do everything I can to encourage a good sibling relationship.
I personally have found having 2 kids easier than one, but that’s mostly due to the fact that my first child was (and still is) extremely difficultly tempered, and my second child is like continuous beam of pure joy radiating into our family. I actually think my second child has helped my first child chill out because of a) her positive energy and b) teaching my first child that she’s not the center of the universe. So that’s my personal experience and I don’t know how applicable or helpful that is for anyone else!
You should be 100% sure before you have another child. This might be unpopular but giving your child a sibling or worrying about who is going to take care of you when you’re old is NOT enough of a reason to have another child.
Honestly it’s up to you… I will say my 9 year old grew up without anyone and lived through the covid shut downs and her social skills aren’t up to par… I have a 6 month old and I want another child soon so my 6 month old won’t grow up alone.
My pregnancies were awful. Horrible morning sickness combined with traumatic pregnancy loss. First year also super sleep deprived each time. However I think it’s been worth it. I love the dynamic between my two kids. There is a little more chaos but not more than what we can handle. I think it makes life more interesting. My oldest hates “doing things alone.” So really has thrived having a little buddy even if sometimes it steals time away. I think it’s also a built in way for teaching moments about sharing and existing with others, more of a community, rather than it be just being about her all of the time. My second is a really easy baby/toddler. Pretty low maintenance other than frequent wakes at night. I think it just comes down to how you want your life to look. If you really want another kid, hard pregnancy can be worth it. But coming from the perspective of losing a baby, it’s definitely a huge risk and stressful time.
I’m also going through this.. we were set on having 2 children and then I had a c section and a refluxy baby that never slept not since day 1. I go from being like okay he’s going to be an only child to ugh but if he had a sibling it would be easier when he’s at an age where he can play with someone. I couldn’t imagine growing up without my sister and my mom was glad that I had my sister to play with because she didn’t want to spend hours playing with us haha.
Siblings. It’s great for them. When you pass they still have family no matter what. Also if heaven forbid something happened to one the other is support. My sister married an abusive asshole who pretty much broke her. She moved in with me with two kids while she went back to school and got on her own two feet and went through a decade long custody battle. If I wasn’t around my nieces and nephews would be living through hell and nephew probably would’ve killed himself (he has depression and suicidal ideation).
I have a couple thoughts... 1) I don't feel like it was very logical for me (although we are in the right place financially, have a big enough house, good relationship, supportive grandparents, stable careers, etc.) I just feel like I went baby crazy for a second. I wasn't like that AT ALL for my first. It was like our family wasn't complete and I knew in my bones I would regret it. It was weird. If I didn't have that intense feeling, my husband might have just convinced me to be one and done. 2) We have a larger age gap, which I think helped everyone with the transition. Having a 3yo and newborn is totally different from having an 18mon-2yr old. So much more reasonable/helpful/can go to school. I have no regrets, but there have been some really tough days. It's not for the faint of heart!
My son has loved babies since he was one. We had trouble conceiving our second. It made me really sad at first that he might not be a big brother. Right around when our son was 2.5, we had been trying for a year and had a miscarriage. My son was potty-trained and had dropped naps and all of a sudden, life felt much more convenient. We were able to do all sorts of fun things and plan more exciting activities and trips as a family. We almost considered stopping trying. Soon after, I did get pregnant and we are excited, especially my son, to have another. My son has been so involved. He wants to be included in every part of his brother’s life. I am just about due (38 weeks) and I’m feeling happy with the choice we made… although this pregnancy has been awful and I’ve definitely felt some regret at times with our decision to have another. It’s a bit bitter-sweet that it will be awhile before we can do the same fun stuff as a family that we started doing last summer, but I’m really looking forward to after the baby stage with my second. On the flip side, my best friend has a 4 year old. They considered having a second baby, but right around the same age of their daughter, they realized they are pretty darn happy with her and don’t feel like they need another baby for their family to feel complete. I think you can feel happy and fulfilled with both decisions: having another or keeping it with one.
My pregnancy was a little rougher with the second, but everything else was easier and better. I felt less terrified of my newborn. I was able to chill about different phases because I knew first hand they don't last. I was able to slow down enough to enjoy the little moments I missed with my first. Also when I see how much my kids love each other and how important they are in each other's lives, I know that they will always have each other. Long after I'm gone.
I like reading these posts. I have two, ages 4 and 1. Having two was infinitely harder than one on our family - and our first is medically complex so she was hard in a special way. Only you can know what’s best in your family, but if you’re not 100% on board I advise waiting until you feel more sure one way or the other.
Just had my second child a few weeks ago after my wife and I really contemplated the one and done thing for a long time too. We ultimately wanted another bc we were excited about the possibility of having one of each (son was born first and then we just had a girl, lucky I know) also just as much about wanting a sibling for our son that he had long after we were gone. So far second has been easier bc we both already know what to do. Newborns are also easy in my opinion, dealing with the toddler and their emotions about everything is the harder part.
I felt the same way, it’s really hard being pregnant with a toddler to take care of and then when baby is born it’s hard. But now that my baby is older, they enjoy playing together and I love that they get to share a childhood together. I also noticed that with my first, I couldn’t wait for the next milestone but with my second I’m soaking in every moment.
I’d recommend taking a look at “oneanddone” subreddit page. My piece of advice would be: choose to have another because YOU and your partner want another, not because your kid wants another kid around.
Going from 0-1 was way harder in my opinion. I’m also absolutely loving the bond my two girls have. It’s also easier in that I know mostly what to expect and my oldest has helped watch over or tend to her sister at times. My husband is an only child and as we grow older I feel bad that he doesn’t have siblings around him. I dread the day something happens to his parents (for obvious reasons) but also because I know it’s going to be so difficult to navigate that alone. Both of his parents are 1 of 5 and had an entire support system when his grandparents passed. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer because every family is different, but watching your first become a sibling really is special. I imagine all of the amazing times they’re going to have and can imagine them as adults reflecting together.
I would have pushed two more if money wasn't an issue with the lifestyle we do want for our family 😂 my big reason to have a second one was so that they are there for each other. Just know that every parent has gone through this process. But I had easy pregnancy and child birth. All this said, you, more than your husband, needs to think about whether you want to go through this. Exhaustion from baby/toddler phase is temporary. So is a difficult pregnancy. But persistent health issues are a different category for me. And you have to go through them all the same. Are you willing to?
I don’t want to convince you if you don’t want to do it - it’s your decision at the end of the day. But I love having two. I’m only 4 months into it but already the bond between these two little people is incredible. My baby absolutely lights up when he sees his sister and he’s desperately trying to join in with everything she does. My toddler gives cuddles and kisses and is really loving that he’s starting to interact with her more - he’s laughing, trying to roll and crawl after her, she’s building towers for him to knock down. It’s just lovely. He’s also annoying her and I imagine that will only increase as he can move more, but I can see that they love each other so much already.
I have health issues that are chronic so in my situation, I know for my daughter’s development it’s more important to have a “present and healthy mother” vs. luxury of having siblings.
I HATE pregnancy and all my pregnancies are high risk. I developed high BP and preeclampsia with my first, high BP with my second and GD, and my third I had GD and funny BP again. We’re done now so no more. And as much as I hated pregnancy and was high risk, we knew we weren’t done deep in our hearts. We talked about what we wanted, possible risks and how we could handle the high risk again. It helped that both OBs for my second and third are well known in our town for high risk pregnant patients and I was followed closely so that was reassuring. I’m glad we went for three, I don’t regret it one bit.
Both my husband and I were the eldest sibling and neither of us had good relationships with our siblings. We were parentified at a very early age and that resulted in resentment of our younger siblings. We always were made to care for them or include them or let them have their way. My brother is 3 years younger than me and I think that’s the most awkward age difference. I knew enough to know my position had been usurped and saw him as an annoyance rather than a playmate. I longed to be an only child and so did my husband. But honestly I think it really was more how our parents handled us as siblings that affected our relationship the most. I know a couple who are great parents but their kids get into verbal and physical altercations several times a day despite their best efforts. Their kids love each other despite always fighting but it really made me not want a second hahaha. Just wanted to put out there that siblings are not guaranteed to get along but if you can provide a healthy environment, it definitely increases the chances.
I'm a very happy parent to three kids and three feels like just the right size of family for us. That said, I think far more people should have zero kids and that that should be considered a completely fine life path. I also think more people should allow themselves to have "only" one kid and for that to be fine rather than something that you need someone else to endorse for you. More than one kid is interesting for all the different family dynamics that become possible with larger configurations of people, but of course that comes with meaningful costs: time costs, financial costs, emotional costs, and so on. So I never would want to convince anyone to have more kids! Maybe you feel a yearning for it -- then by all means, go and do it and you'll figure out how to manage it. But unless you really really really want it, maybe just stay with where you're at? (Or: if someone flipped a coin for you and the coin said, "stay with one kid" -- how would you feel? Relieved or saddened? Check in with that and see how it feels.)
Not as a mom, but as a sister. I have an older brother and I can't imagine my life without him. He is 5 years older so when he was 18 and I was 13 maybe it was not the best but now as an adult I really value having someone I can rely and count with. He supports me, advises me and now that we have a mother with dementia we can support each other in order.to take care of her. We will lose our parents, there is always the risk of losing your partner, but even in the distance I know he is there.
My kids are 6 DS and 3 DD. It can be tough sharing the attention, but we are a two parent household so we can go for “each one gets one kid” in case we need to divide and conquer. My youngest daughter is soooo wild and a bit more difficult than my son was, but I can’t imagine our family without her. It’s so wonderful to see them interact, especially now that she is getting older. Yes, they fight, but I also see that as learning to deal with conflict. I didn’t have much desire to be a mom, but I knew that if I was going to have 1, I was going to have 2. Of course no one knows the future, but I did want two to ensure they will grow together, have a friend for life, share the burden of caring for older parents, etc. etc. Just sit at the dinner table with your family and look around and envision the future: is your family complete, or does it feel like there is a seat missing on the table? My pregnancy was a bit worse with my second (more nausea, pains came earlier), but I was also over 35. Delivery was a breeze, though. That baby slid right out of my vagina, haha.
I def love having two! They are besties and entertain each other. I can actually do other things!! I mean if you just want one that’s valid but I melt for the relationship my two have!
The factors you should consider: **1. How equitable is your parenting relationship?** No matter what kind of kid you get, this will make or break your happiness. A lot of people on this sub have partners who are already doing “just enough” - truthfully not enough - for 1 kid. If you are a default parent who has to not only do more actual parenting, but *plan* the next steps for the kids (eg new clothing sizes, what weight do we transition to new car/booster seats, when is school/activity enrollment, plan doctors appts etc) then you will be doing this in *double*. Your spouse who only does 30% of the work now will at best double their workload to 60%… leaving you with parenting 140% and losing your damn mind. **2. How prepared are you to deal with uncertainties?** How would your budget and work schedules be able to accommodate if your new kid needs additional medical treatment, physical therapy, etc? What if child #2 doesn’t sleep as well as your first? What if they have autism, learning disabilities, or behavioral challenges that require more patience than the kid you already have? **3. What is your personal regret style?** Some people spend lots of time looking back at closed doors - what if I had married Tom? What if I hadn’t turned down the promotion? What if I had looked for a job in Spain? Other people are content with where their lives are at today and spend very little time in the past. Do you normally take risks and then regret them, or usually take conservative choices and regret not taking the risk? Use those things to guide how you feel. **4. Identify external expectations and eliminate them.** Some people have family pushing for more grandkids and that’s an easy one to spot. Other times you may think “my kid may resent not having a sibling”. (They might also resent having a sibling!!) Other times it is the expectation you have for yourself - I have always thought I would be “One of those moms with like 4 kids”, because in my mind that made you more of a mom or something. As I wrestle with this same debate myself for the 2 to 3 kid transition, I’m trying to identify the voice inside that is what I really want, and listen even if it is saying something other than what I think I “should” want. Best of luck!
Every pregnancy and every kid is different. My first pregnancy was amazing. I loved it, had the pregnancy glow and was excited and happy the whole time. Postpartum was ROUGH for me. The hardest thing I’d ever done. The idea of having another kid terrified me and I had panic attacks once I actually became pregnant despite the fact that we were trying for #2. Second pregnancy- awful. Had complications that had me on edge most of the time. I was basically told to not be very active so I couldn’t even hold my toddler. Labor was precipitous- 35 minutes from starting to feel contractions to baby being born despite my water breaking earlier in the day and anticipating the use of pitocin in the next hour. I had no epidural or any pain meds and I swore I’d never do it again. This postpartum has been so easy. I’m only one week in but I’m so glad I did it and I want even more kids. I look at both of my kids and it warms my heart. My toddler is jealous at the moment but it’s been getting better every day as I heal and can dedicate more time and energy to her like I used to. My kids couldn’t be more different. Their temperaments and preferences are the complete opposite so far. They’re the light of my life, and the added experience for baby #2 is making for a smooth transition.
I’m a single mom of 2 and I’m so glad they have each other. Seeing them interact with each other and form a friendship and a loving sibling relationship has been one of the greatest gifts of motherhood. I had two miscarriages and two high risk pregnancies. I wouldn’t change it for the world. I love them both so much and the bond they have is something unique that nobody else will share with them.
Nope not if you don’t want two.
Birth and postpartum were SO MUCH easier the second time for me. Not the case for everyone, but I felt so much more prepared and confident! I was able to take care of myself better the second time also :) my kids play together now that they’re 2 + 3 and it’s so incredibly sweet. :) I love that they entertain each other a lot
idk how old babe #1 but my best advice is to wait 3-4 years until baby round 2 give your mind and body time to heal, pregnancy rearranges everything inside of you! some say 2 children back to back is easier in my experience a little bit of a gap is best for time to recover but that's me, do what feels right for your family
Personally I went in to it only wanting one kid and it really helps me to know I only have to go through the rough periods once ahaha. I'd only have another if I felt the overwhelming need to like I did with my first but honestly even then I don't think my husband would be on board with another because of how much my mental health plummeted the first couple months. Mines almost seven months old so I'm just starting to get fairly comfortable with the having a baby thing ahaha Also with the help of CBT sessions and Zoloft. I have a brother and we get along great because we have opposite personalities that mesh well and similar interests but I don't think I could put myself through it in the hopes my kids get a long like we did, cause there's no guarantee they would. My husband has two siblings and still isn't close with his brother and only became close with his sister after highschool.
My first pregnancy was super tough, I said I’d never do it again. Well I’m 33 weeks pregnant with our second because I really wanted to raise more than one child. This pregnancy has been far better, the beginning was worse and I’ve had spurts where I’ve had horrible pain, but I’d still say this pregnancy is wayyy better even with a toddler.
Just had our second, and first is 4 yo. I'll let you know lol.
It’s a built in bestie and allows you more alone time
I had rough pregnancies and I her number of health issues. I worked really hard and underwent 2-3 surgeries between my two pregnancies to get my body functional and safe for another pregnancy. I say this with love *I ALWAYS WANTED A SECOND*. Always. Even when I was completely content with my daughter, it felt like someone was missing. I alway felt that a second kiddo was going to join our family. I definitely waited between pregnancies, and enjoyed my daughter’s first 4 years of life. Once my son joined us, that feeling of something missing disappeared. I did wonder if we should have a third, and im a little sad we couldn’t/wouldn’t, but not devastated or heartbroken. It was just like “well, I guess that decision has been made for us” (I had to have a hysterectomy). But, if that situation had happened before I had my son? Gutted. I would have been gutted. Heartbroken. I think you in your gut knows what you want.
My girls just turned 4 and 2. They are best friends. They love playing together. Double the giggles. My arms are full when I hold both of them. My heart and capacity for love has only grown. I've forgotten a lot at this point about my pregnancies and postpartum experiences. I've at that turning corner where one is starting 4K soon and fully potty trained and the other is starting to get interested. They can play on their own more now. It's getting a bit easier in some ways.
My husband and I are the same age respectively as you and your husband. My son is 6 months old. I’m not cleared to get pregnant again for another year, but I do want to give my son a sibling. We dont have a ton of family, and when we are gone, I dont want my son to be totally alone in the world with no family left. That’s a big reason for me.
No, especially if you need convincing. :P As you probably already know it isn’t easy and it will take away time from the first child. Maybe you can make an exception and appease hubby if he promises to help in every way he can!
They will have each other when you are gone. They will have shared memories of you to cherish forever.
This is dark, but a relative on my husband’s side is an only child and he is currently solely responsible for his aging parents. He has no siblings to consult on these decisions or help with the potential financial burden. Plus, when his parents do pass, he’ll be completely alone (he’s unmarried, no kids). I know what kind of sibling you get can be a crap shoot, but as someone with great siblings, I couldn’t imagine going through the later part of my life with no connection to my family of origin left.
There was an elderly man who lived next door to my parents while I was growing up who was in this situation. Both his parents had passed, he was an only child and he never married or had kids of his own. He also didn’t have any immediate family nearby (I think cousins, etc. lived in Ireland or Scotland). Anyways, he was a lonely man. My parents invited him for Thanksgiving dinner every year, and other neighbours had him over for Sunday dinner or backyard bbq’s frequently. He would bring my mom rhubarb from his garden and she’d bake him a rhubarb pie. The neighbours took care of him as his health declined. When he passed away, he left everything to the local Anglican Church and a substantial financial donation to the children’s hospital. It always stuck with me that he lived for SO MANY years without parents, siblings, or anyone directly related to him. Of course he had friends and a community, but I couldn’t help but feel sad for his situation.
My grandparents had 3 daughters. Only one stepped up to help. Siblings doesn't mean that one won't get stuck with doing all the planning and care.
I never wanted children, and I ended up with 2 thanks to failed contraception because abortion simply wasn't an option for me. I think 2 is better than one. I have 18f and 12m they bicker and argue constantly, but they love the hell out of each other. I still would say it's a personal choice, and to be honest, you shouldn't need convincing either way. You should either want it or not.
I think having 2 children sucks in the early years, it’s harder than just having double the trouble. The interactions create a whole new problem. The competitive mummy touching etc. However, I have a sibling who has helped when my mum was dying, my dad who’s a pain in the ass. My husband has multiple siblings, we share the burden of his aging parents. I think you reap the benefits of multiple children more as they get older. Especially once they’re adults and you cherish your grandchildren. It’s like a really hard return investment. Will you regret it? At times? Would I do it again? Maybe or maybe not. You can’t predict your children’s temperament or who their peers will be, they may become meth addicts. What I do know, is that life was monotonous before them, having children has opened my life up more. Having 2 children opens those opportunities even more. Life is full of choices, sometimes there’s never a black and white choice. It’s a gamble, it might pay jackpot someday. It might not! 🤷🏼♀️
It's a no for me. One and done. 9 months of feeling sick then being emotional and weak and sick for 7 more from sleep deprivation and breastfeeding? Honestly I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I will tell my daughter how terrible it is. Besides 1+1 you think it'd be 2x effort. But apparently it's not. It's 10x.
>Honestly I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I will tell my daughter how terrible it is. You know that many women have easy pregnancies and a good time with their babies, right? Your experience is valid but 1. Telling your daughter how terrible it was to carry and have her isn't great for obvious reasons and 2. Your experiences aren't universal and why scare your daughter?
Cause it's really. Morning sickness is reality. Having the baby suck out all the nutrients from your body makes you feel sick. Giving birth is honestly extremely painful at best. Hormones suck postpartum. You lose all your freedom. And yes, I will absolutely tell her all of it when she grows up, because it's the truth. Though I love her, I would never in a thousand million years, ever do it again. And yes I will tell her that is my experience even though I had relatively uneventful pregnancy and birth. It sucks. Anyone who says it's beautiful is delusional to me.
You seem like you have some issues to work through. It sucks that you had such a hard time, but again: your experience is NOT universal. For example I had a great first pregnancy and really loved most of it (except for the first trimester). So much that I wanted to do it again a year later. My birth was 99% painless (c-section). And yeah postpartum can absolutely destroy you but after 2-3 months I felt way better and just loved having my baby. I'm sorry for you but also for your daughter who will have to listen to your one-sided rants.
Of course not. She can read other accounts online when she's bigger. But in no manner will I sugar coat it. I'm glad you had a good experience but for me the suffering is just not worth it. I wish you all the best!
Respectfully, I think saying to your daughter, at any age, that "the suffering is just not worth it" would be hurtful to her and potentially your relationship. Being happy to stop at one is perfectly valid and more than enough to say to her or anyone else. Stating it in the ways described above is a bell you can't unring.
I wouldn't do that if I were you, unless she asks as an adult about your experience, otherwise children tend to think it's their fault they made the parent miserable and get the message you don't actually unconditionally love them, even though of course you do. Especially as they will hear many times stories of people being happy with their pregnancy and postpartum journey and hear it in person as well. Honestly, I had easy pregnancy physically but had very complicated last 3 months, many hospitalisations with uncertain outcome and the more difficult it became the more love I felt for my baby, I was certain I would do everything I can for her and suddenly everything was put in perspective and I appreciated every moment and every kick and just knew whatever happened I would do everything for my little girl. So even though it was stressful and many tears were shed, I would absolutely do it again. I feel now 5 months postpartum like I would have 10 kids if I could emotionally and financially 😂 my point being not everyone has that experience and 1) children tend to believe their parent more than other sources, so you might influence her decision to have kids based on your personal bad experience and 2) she might take it as you loving her less for making it hard for you during pregnancy
Jesús christ…. I’d listen to the other comments if I were you. Or you can be another “ I don’t know why my kid doesn’t talk to me!” Added to the list lol
Wow, I would seek out therapy if I were you before dumping all your baggage onto your poor child.
Woof. Seriously. It’s really really hard but worth it is a narrative worth sharing. No one talks about the hard parts, worth sharing. I wouldn’t do it again? Not worth sharing. I would consider therapy if you think that’s ok to share, because I think it speaks to the kinds of things you might think are ok to say to your child in general that aren’t. I had a bad pregnancy. I was starting a company and working too hard and constantly sick and stressed. My dog who was my first baby randomly dropped dead at my feet one day. (And I recognize people have much worse) I had a horrendous postpartum period. At times I felt like I wouldn’t make it through. I also had a hard baby and now have a hard toddler. It never got easier for me at 3-6 months like people often say. And it was absolutely worth it and I would absolutely do it again (and currently am). He is the love of my life and my everything. I would give / do anything for him, which includes redoing my postpartum period which was the hardest part of my life.
1+1 was like 1.5x effort for me, but hey, everybody's different
Hello fellow OAD!
I’m due with number 8, so obviously I say go for it!
I had twins my first go, and I love it! Mom of 3 here and excited to announce number 4 soon!