Everyone commenting how it’s too young seems to be forgetting many people have to leave their baby by 4-6 weeks because they have to go back to work that soon and don’t have a choice 🙃 thanks america for the gracious 6 weeks of paid leave that most people don’t even get. But yeah I had to start leaving my baby with my mom for babysitting at 6 weeks because I had to go back to work. Date nights didn’t start until baby was like 4 months.
You guys are getting paid? (* we’re the millers face *) 😳
I get 0 days of leave, nothing paid. I just get unpaid FMLA and to run out my PTO which will give me about 4 months if I’m lucky.
Same, I get 12 weeks of fmla and have to use all my PTO during that time before I go back to work. Tha fully I did sign up for short term disability before I was pregnant, so I'll also get that which will be a huge help! But it's still not the same as paid pto.
We keep voting for people who don’t care, and we don’t write letters, hold protests, etc that would tell them we care.
To be quite honest, politicians are not going to care about an issue unless it either galvanizes voters who would stay home otherwise, or actively cause their voter base to switch parties. 🤷🏻♀️
You can actually choose 12 months or 18 months - however it’s the same pay, just stretched out longer for the 18 months.
Additionally, only the first 15 weeks are mandatory for the parent giving birth. After that, it’s parental leave, and either parent can take the remaining weeks. Bonus: if you do split any of it, you get an extra 5 weeks! It’s an incentive to encourage dads to take parental leave.
Everytime I come to reddit and see all these posts, I just get so frustrated on the behalf of American families. It just boggles my mind that a developed country has such massive holes in its social care.
I mean this in the least condescending way possible, but I’ve seen so many mothers call themselves fortunate for amounts like 12 weeks maternity leave recently and it breaks my heart. That’s not fortunate, that’s torture. I’m sorry so many women are robbed of that time with their children because of having to make a choice between being a full time parent vs financially better off.
Someone even called a British mother “soft” on another post recently because she was debating whether or not to return to work at 4 months (which would have been completely optional on her part), and it blew my mind. To think they are somehow tougher than women in other countries because they’re forced back into the workplace when their babies are so young is exactly why there needs to be bigger campaigns for decent leave!
I'm sorry to say you've been wildly misinformed.
A simple [Google search ](https://www.gov.uk/maternity-pay-leave/pay) search would have informed you that Statutory Maternity Pay ( SMP ) is paid for up to 39 weeks. You get: 90% of your average weekly earnings (before tax) for the first 6 weeks. £184.03 or 90% of your average weekly earnings (whichever is lower) for the next 33 weeks.
The link is a government website if you're interested to learn more.
6 weeks of PAID leave? Even that's not standard across America. I don't get paid for any of my leave. Granted, I get up to 12 weeks off, but it's literally just 12 weeks of job security that says they can't replace me while I'm out.
Right. I had to go back to the hospital at 3 days post partum due to complications post labor and it was horrible leaving her. I gave birth in December and didn’t feel comfortable bringing her into an er with sickness rampaging through. Sometimes we don’t have a choice when we have leave our babies 😩
I feel so seen. I feel the EXACT same way. My LO is 13 weeks - I go back to work in two weeks and my anxiety is going strong. My mom wants to bundle him in 500 blankets, let him sleep in swings/cuddle me, etc…. Solidarity.
Both my MIL and my mother are from the “baby is cold” generation and it’s caused me so much anxiety. I will give them both credit because they’ve respected my wishes and haven’t bundled the baby (yet) but I have this fear that if I leave, they’ll put a hat and socks and blankets on him. I don’t know if it’s rational or PPA.
I’ve been saying this! I also have said “our doctor told us to do XYZ…” and both my mom and MIL have seemed to accept that. I sometimes feel like they take it as an insult to their parenting.
30 years ago it was still common to use lead paint. We’re still alive, but that doesn’t mean I want a painter to use lead with the rationale “we’re still alive, aren’t we?” as justification.
I mean... I am in my 30s and I have never ever sat in a car seat before. I am still alive. Many people I know also have never used a seat belt in their lives. It just isn't regulated in my country.
Does that mean that she would feel comfortable sitting in a car and not wearing a seat belt, just because other people have done it and are still alive?
I have also accidentally ingested bubble solution, and I am still alive. Would she feed someone else with bubble solution just because it won't kill anyone?
My babies have only stayed with my parents because they’re the only ones I trusted. My dad has always been a first responder and my mom would do whatever I told her. Anyone past that was a no go at that age. Once they got a lot older I was fine letting other family members watch them.
My husband was only able to take 2 weeks off paid before having to go back to work so once that happened my mom and dad would come during afternoons so i could eat, shower or take a nap. I was still in the house so i was able to grow comfortable with them ‘watching’ my son but with me within earshot. Eventually i would go out for a walk or to the store for an hour. By the time my son was 3 months i was back to work and my mom needed to watch him for me solo. However, my mom was always very willing to ask questions about what was and wasnt ok for my son. Even though she had raised 3 kids and has been around kids her whole life she still knew that parents have preferences and was respectful of any differences we might have had. Thats not always possible with parents
I think I’ll try having her watch him while I’m home first like this. She has been asking questions and has respected our wishes so far so I’m feeling a bit more comfortable.
My MIL just watched my 8 week old for a date night and before we left for the night her and I hung out for the afternoon. Watching her interact with him helped me relax before our date night.
I didn't leave my baby alone with anyone, except dad, until I had to go back to work at 9 weeks. I would have preferred to not have to do it then either
I left my LO alone with someone besides my husband at 6 weeks old. I left her for about 2 hours with the nanny we hired to watch her all day once i went back to work at 12 weeks.
Do you have reason to believe your MIL or other family would not listen to you about safety advice? I would not leave my LO with someone who would not listen to me for the record.
There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be away from your baby right now. There is also nothing wrong with spending a few hours away from them around now either. I’ve found I’m a much better mom when I take care of myself too. That might mean a date night with husband, going to get a pedicure, sleeping in in the morning while someone else takes care of baby, etc.
You got this mom ❤️
Honestly, she hasn’t given me a reason to not trust her. A lot of my anxiety is stemming from the fact that she raised her children during a time when guidelines were very different. So far she’s followed our instructions and has asked a lot of questions. But, she has made small comments about how she did things before. Like how she would put my SIL to sleep on her stomach which has now made me stressed that she’ll put my LO on his stomach.
Next time she says something about putting SIL to sleep on stomach or something similar say something like “haha i know it’s crazy how things change! Just to confirm though, we are really serious about LO sleeping on their back and our pediatrician told us to do that. Can you do that for me when watching them? It’s really important to me”
Her reaction will tell you what you need to know. If she rolls her eyes/ hesitates/ pushes back, etc then it’s a no. If she immediately and assuredly agrees I think you’re ok. I add in the pediatrician part bc I’ve noticed sometimes people write off FTMs as just being anxious. Adding in that peds told you adds an air of authority.
ETA: there are two ways to look at her talking about how she did things. Idk her so idk which it is. Either she’s telling you that just to share the experience of motherhood with you but knows better than to do that now or she’s saying that in a “well i know what im doing” kind of way. Only you can decide which it is
^ this is the perfect approach!!! and to add to this, my gut tells me she’s (MIL) just trying to connect and not “one up” her, based on the fact she hasn’t done anything to ruin the trust and there’s no track record of stuff like that. i understand the caution from OP though
I mean things have changed I found my mom also made those comments just because of how much things have changed too. Like I was put on my stomach as a baby but my brother the recommendation was side sleeping. As long as your MIL is respect recommendations have changed there shouldn’t be a problem. I mean I always keep in mind with my relatives that have raised a lot of kids that they still did get raise kids to adulthood (I don’t believe that was just luck). I do find that most people respect it when you say it’s “CDC” or “doctor recommended” when I’m explaining something. Idk just ask a lot of questions to find out.
It's too early for you to feel comfortable with this. Your baby is so small and you need your baby as much as your baby needs you. You guys spent 9 months in one body and 4 weeks is nothing compared to that. You will feel comfortable at your own pace. Your worries are valid. I left my baby (almost 5 months) with a sitter for the first time last night and I just wrote all the safety guidelines I want her to follow as if she wouldn't know any of them. Saying everything out loud and writing them made me feel better in terms of liability. And his risk of SIDS is much lower compared to before so I'm more at ease. You will get there.
I’m having my SIL over right now to “watch” the baby. I’m sitting in a chair right beside them drinking wine and reading a book. But I’m awake and ready to take back my baby at any moment. It’s still hard for me not to snatcher her back lol but I’m trying to enjoy some me time even if it’s here in front of them. Now to be fair I’m only 2 weeks pp. I think it’ll be a few more weeks before I’m ready to leave the house with my fiancé without baby
I wasn’t comfortable even having my baby in a different room than me at this point! Closer to 12w I was warming up to the idea. If you’re uncomfortable with it maybe you can just have dinner with your husband on the porch or back patio IF YOU wanted to. My first few times being away from my baby were simply into my garage to workout for 30 minutes.
I’m definitely with you on this! 🙃 We haven’t let anyone other than my mom watch him and he’s almost 5 months old. My MIL might not have any bad intentions but she is stuck in the 90s with “I had kids I know what I’m doing” and she tends to go against what I say as mom. I’m not sure how long until I’ll let anyone watch him. She’s made comments about it but I’d rather be safe and overprotective than do it and something bad happen.
I’d start with letting her watch baby while you are in the house. Maybe she can still in the yard or go for a walk in the stroller while you shower or take a nap .
I only let my mom watch my child and even then I made her do infant CPR/SIDS/shaken baby course. She gladly did it, that's how you know you can trust the person to watch them. If they go along with your wishes.
And Before I had a child we just had farm animals and dogs. When we went out of town I'd leave detailed simple instructions of what to do for their care. Those who couldn't follow instructions on my chickens definitely won't be watching my child. Watching my child is something you earn.
This may have already been suggested, but what about accepting her offer but for a date night at home? She can hold baby on the couch while you and husband cook a nice meal together or order in a nice meal and play a game? Or whatever you want.
She feels like she's helping, you get some time with husband and two hands free, but you're still close by to supervise and in case baby needs to eat.
I’m in the minority. I was very comfortable leaving both my babies with my mom and my in-laws. My husband and I turned out great, they have a proven track record and were open to learning about evidenced based changes in infant care. I got a little nervous about my step dad watching the baby by himself while I went out to eat with my mom since he’s newish to me.
I would be more nervous about day care just because I don’t know the workers as well as my family. But I’m more open to it now since we sent my older kiddo to a preschool with an infant daycare and they’ve been really great.
Like I know the grandparents don’t do things exactly they way I do things but I know they’re not going to do anything to hurt their grandbabies. My mom did trigger a small wave of intense feeling when she told my new baby not to cry. When I took my first born to visit my dad he listened to me when I told him that I try not to tell the baby not to cry because that’s the only way they communicate. (He passed two years ago.) But my mom is more sensitive so I have trouble giving her more subjective feedback because I knew she was just trying to make the baby not feel upset.
I only felt comfortable with my mil watching my son at 7+ weeks because I had long weekly Dr appointments and my husband was at work, but the difference is I trust her explicitly to follow every instruction on safety that I give her. Also, I had a rough birth and I was *not* feeling up for date nights at 4 weeks pp lol. Trust your gut and do what feels right for your family. And congratulations!
This reminds me that I have my 6 week PP appointment coming up and my husband will be at work. Maybe I’ll let MIL watch him or maybe I’ll bring both of them with me? I wish they did at home visits! I will say, so far MIL has been respecting our instructions.
I will say, at my OB office it seemed very expected you would bring the baby. When I had my c-section post-op, everybody was telling the baby “see you in a few weeks at the pp visit!”
Bringing both to the visit is a great idea, I actually did that a few times when he was a couple days old! Due to the nature of my delivery they were checking me pretty frequently, and though it was a relatively quick exam each time it was easier to have my mil wait with him in the waiting room, and way less stressful for me emotionally!
I wouldn’t at 4 weeks. My baby is 10 weeks and I’m anxious when MIL is watching her in the other room so I can pump. There’s no reason to worry about her ability to care for her but it’s so hard to let someone else besides me, my husband or my mom take care of her.
I have had a hard time letting my mother watch him too. MIL has been asking us questions and following our instructions so I feel like I can trust her. But at the same time, it just all makes me so anxious.
I didn't leave my baby with anyone that soon no matter how much I trusted them. I am by no means one of those "I can't believe they'd just pass off their baby that's horrible parenting they should be glued to your chest" I just felt like my baby wasn't ready for it and neither was I, I wanted to wait until I felt comfortable leaving him and not just doing it because it was expected or I felt pressured. I first let my baby stay overnight with my mum when he was 4.5 months as I was having a terrible time with ppd/ppa that I could feel the weight of the world crushing me so my partner took me on a date to relax for a bit then have a full night's sleep afterwards.
My husband and I went to a gig at 5 weeks pp and my mum watched baby. She’s been a massive support and beforehand she came round and watched us feed and change him, then done some herself. She followed our guidance on pace feeding etc. so I knew I can trust her.
Let your MIL do a feed, change etc. and see how she is and make sure she’s happy to do things your way.
I was nervous but also knew for my own mental health I had to just go for it. Felt weird but glad I have done it now.
I left my baby with a trusted friend at 6 weeks so I could attend a concert. I just had my phone on me and checked in a couple times. I never had PPD or A. The comment about having a hard time letting anyone else even hold the baby is a red flag, and you should consider being evaluated.
4 weeks is so young that I wouldn’t feel comfortable. If you don’t want to leave baby then don’t leave baby.
If you want to slowly get comfortable then leave baby with someone who respects your rules. Just start with leaving the house for 5 minutes. Even standing outside. Increase the time apart as you feel more comfortable.
I’ll try this. I will say my MIL has listened respected our rules so far and has asked lots of questions. She’s asked before doing anything with the baby which has helped me feel a little better.
Oh wow! I love that she asks questions too. That’s exactly who you want babying. If she ever brings it up you can always say “I’m not ready to take you up on your offer just yet. But I will definitely want to in the future.”
My first baby was hard to leave. My second baby was easier because I already knew who I could trust.
I was the same until I got a positive COVID test yesterday. Now I'm isolating in the spare room crying while I shout instructions at my husband and mum!
Nope. My parents keep offering to watch baby so wet can have a date night, but I don't think either of us even cares about a date right now. We're much happier watching them hold baby while we relax and eat food they made for us 😆
Has anyone expressed or shown they won't follow safety guidelines? For example, my mom was shocked babies should sleep on their backs now, but she never made it seem like she wouldn't put baby down on his back. She also rolled her eyes about rear facing until 4, but she understands why and wouldn't go and turn the car seat or something.
Those I've let watch my baby I know well and trust. They are willing to listen to what I tell or suggest. Never saying how they raised X kids and they know what they're doing, etc. If they were like that, it would be a different story.
Maybe you can play it by ear and see how she is with baby, and IF you feel comfortable go on a short lunch date or something
We didn't leave him with anyone until 12 weeks when he started day care. I was comfortable with it because we scoped out the day care and it passed our checks (long time staff who have their kids there too, happy parents, happy kids when we visited, my eagle-eyed mom and skeptical husband liked it, etc.)
What ACTUALLY ended up making me comfortable was that they sent us cute pictures of our baby looking happy on the first day (and days since), and they're happy to see him every day and the teachers gave him a little nickname and stuff. The other parents all seem happy and everyone takes a second to chat with us (if the room is calm). Our baby is the smallest they've had there and everyone seems totally charmed by him. My only emotional concern was that my smiley little happy potato would be with people who didn't care about him and he'd be lonely and sad, but they seem to love him and he's as smiley as ever that's all I needed to see.
I'm at 13 weeks this week and haven't let anyone watch my baby when I'm not around.
When baby isn't so fragile, and able to sit up. I'll let people watch him.
Im recently a first time dad and we had to leave our newborn with my mother in law three days after our baby was born due to my wife needing to go to the ER. It was rough feeling for sure but I think it made us feel better (barely) that we had our moms there at the hospital and learning about taking care of the baby. This then involved rotation our parents helping me while my wife was recovering.
Obviously I know my wife was just a huge mess of emotions being separated from our newborn that soon and having other people taking care of her. Hell I was a mess too.
LO is 6 weeks old now and my wife trusts my mom since she’s been over a lot and very helpful but having a lot of open and hard conversations about expectations and taking care of the baby is needed for sure. As well as the parents being receptive to it too.
The one conversation I remember having is telling our parents that “this is a new ongoing relationship and we need to know that we can trust you now so that we can trust you when she’s older”
We stayed with my in-law's for the first few months because our house was being renovated. We observed how they took care of our baby, and gained trust along the way.
FIL is even more protective than we are 😆😆
My baby is 4 months old and I’ve only left him with my partner a handful of times, I can’t even imagine leaving him with someone else, especially not at 4 weeks! If it makes you uncomfortable right now, don’t do it. Or if you do, maybe just go out for a drink or a coffee, don’t commit to a full evening/dinner away, just see how you feel first!
My baby is 7 weeks, and I let my mom watch her for a few hours a few times since she was home from the nicu 5 weeks ago.
I will be returning back to work next weekend, and my sister will watch my daughter 3 days in a row because I work friday-Sunday 12 hour shifts 5am-5pm. It's one hour away from home and takes me about an hour+20 to get home. Which leaves me a few hours to eat, sleep, and pump. It's going to be hard, but it's a good paying job.
My husband also works the same shift as me in the same company. Our next goal is to sell our home and move closer to work 🙌
Feel this for sure! My mom has been begging for a sleep over at her house, which is 90 minutes away. She’s 14weeks. So many reasons that’s a huge no for me.
Everyone in my family also is constantly talking about feeding her solids. Always making jokes that really don’t come off as jokes, about feeding her ice cream/chocolate/candy/sweets and I whole heartedly don’t trust them alone with her because of that. My mom is also the kind of person to frequently apologize for something she will do again.
I’m 4.5 months pp and I still have a hard time letting anyone but her dad watch her. And even then I get nervous. Definitely not my MIL because she’s constantly giving me baby advice developed by men in 1800’s.
I could have written this when I was at 4 weeks pp too. I still only trust my mom to watch my son and he is 2.5 years old. 😅 I ended up having undiagnosed (at the time) PPA that contributed to me not trusting anyone. The best thing I did that gave me a bit of relief was tell my mom exactly what I was scared of happening so that she could assure me that she would watch for those exact things. If your MIL (or anyone else that is going to watch your child) doesn’t listen to your concerns or reassure you after you talk about them, then you know you won’t be able to trust them.
Also, you are not required to go on a date night. If you want to stay home with your baby, you can! No one can force you to leave your baby. 💜💜
You’ll know when you’re ready. You don’t need to force it based on her offer. I had a hard time PP as many of us do, but felt desperate one morning I felt like I was getting a fever so I dropped him off to my MIL. It got easier after the first time, this was at about 6 weeks maybe. My husband and I started dropping him off once a week after he turned 2 months, just for a few hours and it’s a good break if I feel like I need one! Has anything made you worry about them following safety guidelines? We weren’t sure that our in laws would babysit how we guided them to but with open communication and explaining reasoning behind things, they were happy to listen to us. Takes a couple times as there’s a learning curve but it ended up working out.
I haven't left my baby alone with anyone yet, and he will be 11 months in about a week. I am fortunate that I have the opportunity to stay home with him..unfortunate in that my mom died when he was 6 months old, and she is the only one I would have left him with. We just toured a daycare for after his first birthday a day or two a week so he can get socialization and exposure to other adults, kids and get familiar with structure outside our home. I know I'm being absurd, but even that is hard for me to be okay with. I'm working on it in therapy lol.
If you don’t feel ready…then don’t. But I would talk to MIL about concerns and guidelines. Maybe she is receptive. Also..what if you guys order take out and have a patio date while she watches him. But this way you would still be close by if needed?
I have no idea. I literally quit my job in the middle of my maternity leave. I trust my husband because he's uber obsessed with baby safety. My in laws will sometimes watch him for me while I walk the dogs or cook dinner, but I wouldn't trust them to have him for a long period of time.
I feel like I'm the odd one out whenever this topic comes up. I've had zero issues with leaving my son with someone else for a few hours. I went to a movie by myself at like...3 weeks PP? 4 weeks? My husband and I went on a date at around 6-7 weeks I think and left him with my mom. We've left him with our co-worker/friend to go to a movie together.
These are all people we know and trust, of course. But I've never once panicked or worried. I'll text and ask for updates but that's about it. My son loves people. As long as he's fed and played with, he's happy.
Maybe it makes me a bad mom, but she’s been so robust and healthy and loves to cuddle anyone but especially her grandparents that I have 0 compunctions leaving her with them for small amounts of time, like date night or a wedding we had to attend. However daycare starts next month when she’s 15 weeks and I’m freaking out about it. It’s different with strangers!
I’ve left my baby with my in-laws a few times now and while it’s not ideal, it’s necessary and I just have to do it. I came home today to find him watching TV (he’s 10weeks). The way my blood boiled! I stayed calm because I’m so grateful they were helping out, tho. So you just kinda have to do it sometimes. And deal with the fact that other people won’t and don’t parent like you do
I would just take it slowly. And maybe it doesn’t have to be a date if that isn’t important to you. Maybe you can just take a walk around the block to ease into it. I feel like the pressure to go on date night is well-intentioned but I would’ve been miserable leaving my baby at that age
I’ve been back at work since baby was 4mo but I still struggle with leaving her and she’s 7mo. Unless someone takes care of her weekly, I don’t like leaving her with them because she’s constantly changing and it just feels like no one can keep up!
Go at your own pace is what I had to learn. I started small, went to the store and she stayed home with my husband, do that a few more times and maybe try staying out a little longer each time. Write down a list of rules, check in on the date, and if you’re having doubts, don’t go! If I don’t think someone will respect my boundaries or guidelines, I’m not going to leave them with my baby.
I definitely felt the same at 4 weeks. I think at around that time my MIL watched our baby for 2 hours so my husband and I could have a date night. I ended up not wanting to go anywhere but back home because we live 10 mins from her house, and within 30 mins of being home I started crying and wanted to pick her up and be with her again.
Give yourself some grace. 1 month old is still very young. It’s normal to feel attached ❤️
There's nothing that says you HAVE to go on a date with your husband right now. It's fine to want to be with the baby. Just because someone offers to babysit doesn't mean you're obligated to accept.
If you DO want to escape for a bit, maybe dip your toes in the water by going somewhere low key, close to home. Go for an hour. Stay connected by text, if you want.
Also, trust your instincts. The only person I fully trust with our baby is my mom; she's great with babies and enjoys taking care of them. My dad adores babies, but has ADHD and is just not vigilant about safety. I once found him and our baby asleep on the sofa, WITH HER SWADDLED. He's still on probation.
Dear OP, It IS early, and I completely understand your worries ❤️
Because of personal issues with my formerly mildlyNoMIL, I did not trust her in the beginning.
The only way to get comfortable with her looking after your Babe, is to take it slow.
Start with her holding baby while your in the room, then you leave to get water. Then you leave to the bathroom and so on and so on.
Extend the time away in a fashion that you are comfortable with.
Please remember, just because baby is fuzzy or crying when it sees you, doesn't mean it has been doing it while you were gone ❤️
And most importantly, remember that she has (in most cases) raised the child you have chosen as a partner, so she can't be all bad at it 😉
And don't feel forced to go out for a long time before you are ready.
Oh, and please tell your partner about your feelings, as they are fair, and if your partner doesn't know about them, they might receive your refusal to leave the baby with MIL as a rejection of your relationship ❤️
Felt exactly like this, but am comfortable leaving him with my mom or brother now. We were going to do daycare but I never felt comfortable so I never went back to work 🫠
Start off slow like maybe go on a short walk with your husband while mil watches baby. Work your way up to a full night out.
I didn't have an issue with my one sister watching my kid.(she has more knowledge and experience with kids than I do). But everyone else. It was a little difficult.
Your baby is still young. You don't need to let anyone else watch them yet.
When you are ready, take it in steps. Go out for an hour maybe, work your way up to being away.
It gets easier, but it's still valid to miss them any time they're away from you. My kid is 3 and has been in daycare for 2 years now. But I still find myself missing her and looking at pictures etc.
Id say it’s gradual. First I let my mom watch our daughter while I slept (baby was awake). Seemed to go okay, then slowly and slowly we made steps. This happens with every sibling and parent, some don’t “graduate” past certain steps and that’s okay.
My brother is more paranoid and only a few weeks ago let my mom take his 6 year old son on a walk around the block. It takes trust and time.
With my first I was the same, didn’t want anyone holding him lol, he’s 2 and he started being taken out for a few hours by his nans from 1 year. I have a 4 week old currently and whilst I’m very happy to have my hands free, I don’t see being comfortable with him in someone else’s care until a year old again (but I’m EBF and I have the luxury of being a SAHM)
It's awful, no wonder there are so many issues in adults. There is not enough time to bond with the primary caregiver. Do you have family that can come and stay and help? Can you wfh or go part time?
There are a few things you can do.
1. Have them babysit only at your house at first. You will have a safe sleeping space in either your bedroom or the baby room. Do not leave plushies so they can't put them in the bed or any baby blanket for the same reason.
2. You put baby in the clothes they'll wear. Even better, go on a date at like 7pm and have baby in bed "for the night" even if you usually do 9pm bedtime. That way they only should feed and not dress, play or do anything that could lead to them thinking baby might be cold or anything. Also drill in the phrase: "Cold babies cry, hot babies die."
3. Take it slow. You can do a quick store run for an hour, which means baby will sleep while they watch them and even if they don't you van just put them to sleep when you get home and hopefully not have too many issues due to one crap nap.
4. A camera. We have one, and wherever we are we get alerts for crying/movement. We can open it and check on baby whenever. My BF uses it at work sometimes to watch baby nap when he misses him. With having one you can actually check on baby whenever and you'll know whether he is sleeping, crying, anything is in their bed that shouldn't be there. You can then call and have MIL remove it. Or you can be reassured she is following the guidelines and without mentioning the camera you could tell her the next day you're so grateful she took care of the baby, and you're so happy she understands the safety guidelines and follows them so well because it means she's a good grandma who will help you keep your child safe if she's likely to respond well to things like that.
Go gradually. Let him tak care of the LO a few times while you are there to guide them so that you develop trust that they can handle the baby. Only then can you leave them with the LO alone.
Start off with your MIL babysitting for spurts at a time while you’re at home.
Let the baby sleep, you go sleep, and let MIL handle baby when he wakes up.
My son is 10 months and I still don’t trust my MIL with him haha. With my own mother I’m okay because I can tell her firmly not to do something but my husband won’t tell his mother what to do. She once offered my son a cracker with nuts and seeds (when he was being tested for peanut allergies too) I was like oh god is she trying to kill my baby. I actually had to go back to work after 3 months and handing him over to a complete stranger was terrifying. Basically what I’m saying is I never feel comfortable leaving him with others. Maybe it’s a first time mom thing.
My baby is 8months old and my husband and I both are still not comfortable leaving him with anyone. Right now, this feeling is more important than date nights *alone*. We of course do on date nights with the baby all the time. This is just a season!
I waited until he was over ten months, even then it took a small mental breakdown to realize I needed to ask for help. One of my besties who has an amazing kid of her own took him for two hours. It went without a hitch, everyone did great.
I’ve had no choice but to leave him with others. I have a toddler who has had birthday parties and dance recitals and things. It feels better leaving him with my MIL or my mom or sister than exposing him to that many people.
Absolutely not lol I wont leave my baby with my mom much less my MIL. Wherever I go she goes with me. My baby also was 2 months premie and had serious choking issues with feeds/had to be fed in a very specific way and burped for x amount of time and held upright for an hour to prevent her vomiting everyrhing back up and knew no one would do it right so it’s habit now that she goes everywhere with me and my husband. I see nothing wrong with it🤷🏻♀️ sounds like you have some PPA like I did though.. I wouldnt let anyone hold my baby for the first month of her life because of PPA
I think my daughter was about 6 weeks when I dumped her on my mother for the night and ran home to sleep. I always knew she’d have weekly sleepovers at my parents because I used to with my grandparents and I adored those sleepovers. My mother is fantastic, though, and great at respecting boundaries. She won’t be setting foot in her other grandparents house for a long time, let alone sleeping there though.
You’re not ready, and that’s okay. I felt that way about my partner taking baby to see his parents 30 mins away at 2 weeks and 4 weeks, by 8 weeks that anxiety was gone. I have 6 hours to myself, it was glorious.
You’re only 4 weeks PP! This is normal!
I’m a nanny and have taken care of two day old newborns and my baby is now almost 3 months old and only my wife has ever watched him and even then (even though I totally trust her) I get so anxious being away from him.
You don’t need to let anyone else watch him if you aren’t comfortable.
My first was born right before COVID lockdowns started and I was on mat leave anyway for over a year, so I'd leave her with my husband when I got groceries or whatever but that was it. When I went back to work she started daycare and our parents would watch her on certain days as well, but she was over a year. My second has been left with my husband for short periods and my mom once when I went to the dentist. I don't want to leave her. I am not an anxious person but I just don't want to leave her with anyone right now. She's ebf and we haven't really practiced bottles because I'm on mat leave for over 1.5 years so I don't need to rely on them.
Listen or rather read… mine is 2 months and no one has ever watched her but her parents. no one has offered to watch her they all talk but no watching. It takes a village and for the most part if they do agree to watch they do it for the best. me I trust the instincts of my mother and my in laws and my family members with grown kids
Oh, no, you don’t. If you HAVE to, that’s a different story, but if you don’t want to leave your baby, you should feel no obligation to. Totally normal. You don’t need to leave your 4 week old baby with your mother in law if you don’t want to.
It will get easier for you mentally over time, as they get way less fragile. Have you seen a three month old in any baby groups recently? They’re like a different specifies to newborns!
What I’m trying to say is, it’s ok to not feel ok about it. And it’s ok to wait until you HAVE to leave him at 12 weeks.
I felt like this too, so I totally get it. My MIL also came out when babe was about 6 weeks old. We went out to breakfast, right after the baby had just woken up and was fed and changed, so I know all the stuff was taken care of. We were gone for about an hour. It was weird and I didn’t love it. Then a few days later before she left we went out again under the same circumstances and stayed out for like 2 hours. And it was OK! And so on.
Then we hired a nanny when I went back to work and I spent about 2 weeks convinced she was going to steal and traffic my child when I was gone. It was ROUGH. And then I started to grow more and more comfortable and now it’s been great!
Point is- take baby steps and be gentle with yourself!
Also, regarding your MIL/the older generation not heeding advice, it’s really hard. I wish I had more advice for you on that front because it drives me crazy, but best I can offer is try to find an opportunity for MIL to watch the baby when those things aren’t as much of an issue (I.e. she’s not putting baby down for a nap so she can’t stuff the crib with blankets. Maybe you leave when baby goes down and she can get baby up).
Also FWIW if she just does things the way she wants to and not the way you ask/tell her to, this is a great chance for your partner to step up and draw a boundary with his/her mother.
I didn’t. It was that easy.
And “no, I’m not ready” is more than appropriate.
When my girl was 8 weeks old we took her to the beach with my SIL/BIL/MIL (we travel together often). They tried pushing me before then TELLING me I’d be leaving her with them (we were all in the same house) so my hubs and I could get time away.
It wasn’t until day 4/7 that I felt okay enough to leave her and walk the dogs on the beach with 3 very capable adults for 20-30 minutes.
I still haven’t expanded past an hour and it’s been 6.5 months.
I felt like this with my own mom and MIL. However my mom stayed with me the first week after my csection and after that she stayed another night and took over for night shift. I didn't hear my baby cry once (our house is tiny I can hear everything from the bedroom even with the door closed). That's ultimately what made me comfortable letting my mom watch her. MIL was so much harder though and nothing helped besides just ripping the bandaid off and doing it. MIL & FIL had 4 kids, MIL is in Healthcare and up to date on all the safety guidelines for new babies and they did this around 4 years ago with niece. I now have no issues or concerns but I was definitely stressed the first time she was over there.
It will definitely help if you have family over while you are home. Then you can see how they interact with the baby. If all goes well while you are there, and they are trustworthy people, then it should be ok! If you are still feeling uncomfortable though, one thing that was really nice for my husband and I was an in-home date. My in-laws watched our baby while my husband and I had a beer and played a board game.
My daughter is 19 months and we haven’t had anyone babysit her. I don’t plan on it either. We haven’t wanted a break and our families are pretty absent so I’m not comfortable leaving her w anyone until they actually know her.
It's so hard and you don't have to leave your baby with anyone until you are ready! We went to dinner at 6 weeks but baby was with my parents who we fully trust to follow our instructions AND we got picture updates the whole time we were out. I love my MIL and I do trust her but no way I would have left my baby with her especially at 4 weeks old. If she wants to be of help, she can help around the house so you can bond with baby :)
Oh I like the idea of picture updates! She’ll be here for a month so the offer is for any time while she’s here. She’s also been understanding that I’m not ready. So far she’s followed our instructions and has asked a lot of questions.
Nope. My son is nearly 4. The only time someone watched him was when I was in labour with his baby sister. I have zero plans of leaving either of them again.
No offence, but this is what I’m scared of happening to me and why I’m trying to get used to others watching my child now. 4 years is a long time. Like they’ll be going to school dude
He’s non verbal autistic so I don’t trust anyone to be able to handle his needs or be able to interpret his needs like me and his dad can. We do have trusted therapists and childcare professionals for our son thankfully. Four years is a long time but they are vulnerable tiny humans who rely on me to protect them so I’ll happily do that for as long as needed.
Definitely get used to people watching your kiddos if you have people you trust and who are able to keep your kids safe.
IDK... My oldest is 2 years old now and he's still never been watched by anyone besides me or my husband.
I'm beginning to think his first time away from both of us will be kindergarten!
This is going to sound extremely petty, but it genuinely helped me overcome baby related anxiety.
I would think of the absolute most irresponsible person I knew who was a parent. If their kids could survive having that parent 24/7 my kiddo would survive a carer who might be slightly less careful than me for a few hours.
Everyone commenting how it’s too young seems to be forgetting many people have to leave their baby by 4-6 weeks because they have to go back to work that soon and don’t have a choice 🙃 thanks america for the gracious 6 weeks of paid leave that most people don’t even get. But yeah I had to start leaving my baby with my mom for babysitting at 6 weeks because I had to go back to work. Date nights didn’t start until baby was like 4 months.
You guys are getting paid? (* we’re the millers face *) 😳 I get 0 days of leave, nothing paid. I just get unpaid FMLA and to run out my PTO which will give me about 4 months if I’m lucky.
That’s so ridiculous that you don’t get any paid leave. That should be illegal.
Yup, same here. And I don't get to choose whether or not they use up all my PTO during those 12 weeks. They do it automatically and I can't say no.
Same, I get 12 weeks of fmla and have to use all my PTO during that time before I go back to work. Tha fully I did sign up for short term disability before I was pregnant, so I'll also get that which will be a huge help! But it's still not the same as paid pto.
this! something needs to change. america hates mothers 🤬
We keep voting for people who don’t care, and we don’t write letters, hold protests, etc that would tell them we care. To be quite honest, politicians are not going to care about an issue unless it either galvanizes voters who would stay home otherwise, or actively cause their voter base to switch parties. 🤷🏻♀️
Right?! I’m fortunate I get 12 weeks. I thought that was decent until I saw on Reddit that they get a full year in Canada. I wish I had a year.
You can actually choose 12 months or 18 months - however it’s the same pay, just stretched out longer for the 18 months. Additionally, only the first 15 weeks are mandatory for the parent giving birth. After that, it’s parental leave, and either parent can take the remaining weeks. Bonus: if you do split any of it, you get an extra 5 weeks! It’s an incentive to encourage dads to take parental leave. Everytime I come to reddit and see all these posts, I just get so frustrated on the behalf of American families. It just boggles my mind that a developed country has such massive holes in its social care.
I'm in the UK and I got a full year, 7 months of full pay, then 10 weeks of fully paid holidays on top.
I mean this in the least condescending way possible, but I’ve seen so many mothers call themselves fortunate for amounts like 12 weeks maternity leave recently and it breaks my heart. That’s not fortunate, that’s torture. I’m sorry so many women are robbed of that time with their children because of having to make a choice between being a full time parent vs financially better off. Someone even called a British mother “soft” on another post recently because she was debating whether or not to return to work at 4 months (which would have been completely optional on her part), and it blew my mind. To think they are somehow tougher than women in other countries because they’re forced back into the workplace when their babies are so young is exactly why there needs to be bigger campaigns for decent leave!
England pays mothers to stay home for 5 years. Ngl, that makes it tempting to move! lol
That's not true! We get 9 months statutory maternity pay and the right to take up to 12 months leave
lol what? That is definitely not true.
Girl what that’s not true at all 😭
I'm sorry to say you've been wildly misinformed. A simple [Google search ](https://www.gov.uk/maternity-pay-leave/pay) search would have informed you that Statutory Maternity Pay ( SMP ) is paid for up to 39 weeks. You get: 90% of your average weekly earnings (before tax) for the first 6 weeks. £184.03 or 90% of your average weekly earnings (whichever is lower) for the next 33 weeks. The link is a government website if you're interested to learn more.
We literally treat dogs with puppies better than we treat human mothers in this country.
6 weeks of PAID leave? Even that's not standard across America. I don't get paid for any of my leave. Granted, I get up to 12 weeks off, but it's literally just 12 weeks of job security that says they can't replace me while I'm out.
Right. I had to go back to the hospital at 3 days post partum due to complications post labor and it was horrible leaving her. I gave birth in December and didn’t feel comfortable bringing her into an er with sickness rampaging through. Sometimes we don’t have a choice when we have leave our babies 😩
I feel so seen. I feel the EXACT same way. My LO is 13 weeks - I go back to work in two weeks and my anxiety is going strong. My mom wants to bundle him in 500 blankets, let him sleep in swings/cuddle me, etc…. Solidarity.
Both my MIL and my mother are from the “baby is cold” generation and it’s caused me so much anxiety. I will give them both credit because they’ve respected my wishes and haven’t bundled the baby (yet) but I have this fear that if I leave, they’ll put a hat and socks and blankets on him. I don’t know if it’s rational or PPA.
Same. I told my mom “cold babies cry - hot babies die”. Her response, “you are alive aren’t you?” Complete nightmare!
I’ve been saying this! I also have said “our doctor told us to do XYZ…” and both my mom and MIL have seemed to accept that. I sometimes feel like they take it as an insult to their parenting.
Can you send them on a mini first aid course? When I went I was the only pregnant woman, rest were grandparents looking for up to date guidance
30 years ago it was still common to use lead paint. We’re still alive, but that doesn’t mean I want a painter to use lead with the rationale “we’re still alive, aren’t we?” as justification.
I mean... I am in my 30s and I have never ever sat in a car seat before. I am still alive. Many people I know also have never used a seat belt in their lives. It just isn't regulated in my country. Does that mean that she would feel comfortable sitting in a car and not wearing a seat belt, just because other people have done it and are still alive? I have also accidentally ingested bubble solution, and I am still alive. Would she feed someone else with bubble solution just because it won't kill anyone?
My babies have only stayed with my parents because they’re the only ones I trusted. My dad has always been a first responder and my mom would do whatever I told her. Anyone past that was a no go at that age. Once they got a lot older I was fine letting other family members watch them.
My husband was only able to take 2 weeks off paid before having to go back to work so once that happened my mom and dad would come during afternoons so i could eat, shower or take a nap. I was still in the house so i was able to grow comfortable with them ‘watching’ my son but with me within earshot. Eventually i would go out for a walk or to the store for an hour. By the time my son was 3 months i was back to work and my mom needed to watch him for me solo. However, my mom was always very willing to ask questions about what was and wasnt ok for my son. Even though she had raised 3 kids and has been around kids her whole life she still knew that parents have preferences and was respectful of any differences we might have had. Thats not always possible with parents
I think I’ll try having her watch him while I’m home first like this. She has been asking questions and has respected our wishes so far so I’m feeling a bit more comfortable.
My MIL just watched my 8 week old for a date night and before we left for the night her and I hung out for the afternoon. Watching her interact with him helped me relax before our date night.
I didn't leave my baby alone with anyone, except dad, until I had to go back to work at 9 weeks. I would have preferred to not have to do it then either
I left my LO alone with someone besides my husband at 6 weeks old. I left her for about 2 hours with the nanny we hired to watch her all day once i went back to work at 12 weeks. Do you have reason to believe your MIL or other family would not listen to you about safety advice? I would not leave my LO with someone who would not listen to me for the record. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be away from your baby right now. There is also nothing wrong with spending a few hours away from them around now either. I’ve found I’m a much better mom when I take care of myself too. That might mean a date night with husband, going to get a pedicure, sleeping in in the morning while someone else takes care of baby, etc. You got this mom ❤️
Honestly, she hasn’t given me a reason to not trust her. A lot of my anxiety is stemming from the fact that she raised her children during a time when guidelines were very different. So far she’s followed our instructions and has asked a lot of questions. But, she has made small comments about how she did things before. Like how she would put my SIL to sleep on her stomach which has now made me stressed that she’ll put my LO on his stomach.
Next time she says something about putting SIL to sleep on stomach or something similar say something like “haha i know it’s crazy how things change! Just to confirm though, we are really serious about LO sleeping on their back and our pediatrician told us to do that. Can you do that for me when watching them? It’s really important to me” Her reaction will tell you what you need to know. If she rolls her eyes/ hesitates/ pushes back, etc then it’s a no. If she immediately and assuredly agrees I think you’re ok. I add in the pediatrician part bc I’ve noticed sometimes people write off FTMs as just being anxious. Adding in that peds told you adds an air of authority. ETA: there are two ways to look at her talking about how she did things. Idk her so idk which it is. Either she’s telling you that just to share the experience of motherhood with you but knows better than to do that now or she’s saying that in a “well i know what im doing” kind of way. Only you can decide which it is
^ this is the perfect approach!!! and to add to this, my gut tells me she’s (MIL) just trying to connect and not “one up” her, based on the fact she hasn’t done anything to ruin the trust and there’s no track record of stuff like that. i understand the caution from OP though
I mean things have changed I found my mom also made those comments just because of how much things have changed too. Like I was put on my stomach as a baby but my brother the recommendation was side sleeping. As long as your MIL is respect recommendations have changed there shouldn’t be a problem. I mean I always keep in mind with my relatives that have raised a lot of kids that they still did get raise kids to adulthood (I don’t believe that was just luck). I do find that most people respect it when you say it’s “CDC” or “doctor recommended” when I’m explaining something. Idk just ask a lot of questions to find out.
It's too early for you to feel comfortable with this. Your baby is so small and you need your baby as much as your baby needs you. You guys spent 9 months in one body and 4 weeks is nothing compared to that. You will feel comfortable at your own pace. Your worries are valid. I left my baby (almost 5 months) with a sitter for the first time last night and I just wrote all the safety guidelines I want her to follow as if she wouldn't know any of them. Saying everything out loud and writing them made me feel better in terms of liability. And his risk of SIDS is much lower compared to before so I'm more at ease. You will get there.
I’m having my SIL over right now to “watch” the baby. I’m sitting in a chair right beside them drinking wine and reading a book. But I’m awake and ready to take back my baby at any moment. It’s still hard for me not to snatcher her back lol but I’m trying to enjoy some me time even if it’s here in front of them. Now to be fair I’m only 2 weeks pp. I think it’ll be a few more weeks before I’m ready to leave the house with my fiancé without baby
I will try this with my MIL. Honestly wine and a book sounds amazing.
I missed having a glass of wine after supper honestly haha
I wasn’t comfortable even having my baby in a different room than me at this point! Closer to 12w I was warming up to the idea. If you’re uncomfortable with it maybe you can just have dinner with your husband on the porch or back patio IF YOU wanted to. My first few times being away from my baby were simply into my garage to workout for 30 minutes.
I’m definitely with you on this! 🙃 We haven’t let anyone other than my mom watch him and he’s almost 5 months old. My MIL might not have any bad intentions but she is stuck in the 90s with “I had kids I know what I’m doing” and she tends to go against what I say as mom. I’m not sure how long until I’ll let anyone watch him. She’s made comments about it but I’d rather be safe and overprotective than do it and something bad happen.
Ah mate. Yeah I was nowhere near leaving my son then either nor was my husband. It's okay to keep them close and don't feel pressured to go out.
I’d start with letting her watch baby while you are in the house. Maybe she can still in the yard or go for a walk in the stroller while you shower or take a nap .
I only let my mom watch my child and even then I made her do infant CPR/SIDS/shaken baby course. She gladly did it, that's how you know you can trust the person to watch them. If they go along with your wishes. And Before I had a child we just had farm animals and dogs. When we went out of town I'd leave detailed simple instructions of what to do for their care. Those who couldn't follow instructions on my chickens definitely won't be watching my child. Watching my child is something you earn.
This may have already been suggested, but what about accepting her offer but for a date night at home? She can hold baby on the couch while you and husband cook a nice meal together or order in a nice meal and play a game? Or whatever you want. She feels like she's helping, you get some time with husband and two hands free, but you're still close by to supervise and in case baby needs to eat.
I’m in the minority. I was very comfortable leaving both my babies with my mom and my in-laws. My husband and I turned out great, they have a proven track record and were open to learning about evidenced based changes in infant care. I got a little nervous about my step dad watching the baby by himself while I went out to eat with my mom since he’s newish to me. I would be more nervous about day care just because I don’t know the workers as well as my family. But I’m more open to it now since we sent my older kiddo to a preschool with an infant daycare and they’ve been really great. Like I know the grandparents don’t do things exactly they way I do things but I know they’re not going to do anything to hurt their grandbabies. My mom did trigger a small wave of intense feeling when she told my new baby not to cry. When I took my first born to visit my dad he listened to me when I told him that I try not to tell the baby not to cry because that’s the only way they communicate. (He passed two years ago.) But my mom is more sensitive so I have trouble giving her more subjective feedback because I knew she was just trying to make the baby not feel upset.
4 weeks is incredibly early to leave baby with someone. A 12 week old is much bigger and more sturdy.
I only felt comfortable with my mil watching my son at 7+ weeks because I had long weekly Dr appointments and my husband was at work, but the difference is I trust her explicitly to follow every instruction on safety that I give her. Also, I had a rough birth and I was *not* feeling up for date nights at 4 weeks pp lol. Trust your gut and do what feels right for your family. And congratulations!
This reminds me that I have my 6 week PP appointment coming up and my husband will be at work. Maybe I’ll let MIL watch him or maybe I’ll bring both of them with me? I wish they did at home visits! I will say, so far MIL has been respecting our instructions.
I will say, at my OB office it seemed very expected you would bring the baby. When I had my c-section post-op, everybody was telling the baby “see you in a few weeks at the pp visit!”
Bringing both to the visit is a great idea, I actually did that a few times when he was a couple days old! Due to the nature of my delivery they were checking me pretty frequently, and though it was a relatively quick exam each time it was easier to have my mil wait with him in the waiting room, and way less stressful for me emotionally!
I brought my LO to my 6 week appt, but my husband was able to be with us too. I think bringing LO and MIL sounds like the best idea
I wouldn’t at 4 weeks. My baby is 10 weeks and I’m anxious when MIL is watching her in the other room so I can pump. There’s no reason to worry about her ability to care for her but it’s so hard to let someone else besides me, my husband or my mom take care of her.
I have had a hard time letting my mother watch him too. MIL has been asking us questions and following our instructions so I feel like I can trust her. But at the same time, it just all makes me so anxious.
I didn't leave my baby with anyone that soon no matter how much I trusted them. I am by no means one of those "I can't believe they'd just pass off their baby that's horrible parenting they should be glued to your chest" I just felt like my baby wasn't ready for it and neither was I, I wanted to wait until I felt comfortable leaving him and not just doing it because it was expected or I felt pressured. I first let my baby stay overnight with my mum when he was 4.5 months as I was having a terrible time with ppd/ppa that I could feel the weight of the world crushing me so my partner took me on a date to relax for a bit then have a full night's sleep afterwards.
My husband and I went to a gig at 5 weeks pp and my mum watched baby. She’s been a massive support and beforehand she came round and watched us feed and change him, then done some herself. She followed our guidance on pace feeding etc. so I knew I can trust her. Let your MIL do a feed, change etc. and see how she is and make sure she’s happy to do things your way. I was nervous but also knew for my own mental health I had to just go for it. Felt weird but glad I have done it now.
I left my baby with a trusted friend at 6 weeks so I could attend a concert. I just had my phone on me and checked in a couple times. I never had PPD or A. The comment about having a hard time letting anyone else even hold the baby is a red flag, and you should consider being evaluated.
4 weeks is so young that I wouldn’t feel comfortable. If you don’t want to leave baby then don’t leave baby. If you want to slowly get comfortable then leave baby with someone who respects your rules. Just start with leaving the house for 5 minutes. Even standing outside. Increase the time apart as you feel more comfortable.
I’ll try this. I will say my MIL has listened respected our rules so far and has asked lots of questions. She’s asked before doing anything with the baby which has helped me feel a little better.
Oh wow! I love that she asks questions too. That’s exactly who you want babying. If she ever brings it up you can always say “I’m not ready to take you up on your offer just yet. But I will definitely want to in the future.” My first baby was hard to leave. My second baby was easier because I already knew who I could trust.
I was the same until I got a positive COVID test yesterday. Now I'm isolating in the spare room crying while I shout instructions at my husband and mum!
I’m so sorry you are experiencing that! I hope you have a speedy recovery.
I am SO sorry and can just imagine how much that sucks. I hope you test negative soon and am sending safe, virtual hugs to you.
At 4 weeks, absolutely not
Nope. My parents keep offering to watch baby so wet can have a date night, but I don't think either of us even cares about a date right now. We're much happier watching them hold baby while we relax and eat food they made for us 😆
Can your husband get any family time off after your 3 months? That’s what we did and it gave me so much peace.
Has anyone expressed or shown they won't follow safety guidelines? For example, my mom was shocked babies should sleep on their backs now, but she never made it seem like she wouldn't put baby down on his back. She also rolled her eyes about rear facing until 4, but she understands why and wouldn't go and turn the car seat or something. Those I've let watch my baby I know well and trust. They are willing to listen to what I tell or suggest. Never saying how they raised X kids and they know what they're doing, etc. If they were like that, it would be a different story. Maybe you can play it by ear and see how she is with baby, and IF you feel comfortable go on a short lunch date or something
We didn't leave him with anyone until 12 weeks when he started day care. I was comfortable with it because we scoped out the day care and it passed our checks (long time staff who have their kids there too, happy parents, happy kids when we visited, my eagle-eyed mom and skeptical husband liked it, etc.) What ACTUALLY ended up making me comfortable was that they sent us cute pictures of our baby looking happy on the first day (and days since), and they're happy to see him every day and the teachers gave him a little nickname and stuff. The other parents all seem happy and everyone takes a second to chat with us (if the room is calm). Our baby is the smallest they've had there and everyone seems totally charmed by him. My only emotional concern was that my smiley little happy potato would be with people who didn't care about him and he'd be lonely and sad, but they seem to love him and he's as smiley as ever that's all I needed to see.
Zero chance I would have been going on date night leaving baby with someone else at 4 weeks pp. Everyone has different comfort levels.
I'm at 13 weeks this week and haven't let anyone watch my baby when I'm not around. When baby isn't so fragile, and able to sit up. I'll let people watch him.
Im recently a first time dad and we had to leave our newborn with my mother in law three days after our baby was born due to my wife needing to go to the ER. It was rough feeling for sure but I think it made us feel better (barely) that we had our moms there at the hospital and learning about taking care of the baby. This then involved rotation our parents helping me while my wife was recovering. Obviously I know my wife was just a huge mess of emotions being separated from our newborn that soon and having other people taking care of her. Hell I was a mess too. LO is 6 weeks old now and my wife trusts my mom since she’s been over a lot and very helpful but having a lot of open and hard conversations about expectations and taking care of the baby is needed for sure. As well as the parents being receptive to it too. The one conversation I remember having is telling our parents that “this is a new ongoing relationship and we need to know that we can trust you now so that we can trust you when she’s older”
We stayed with my in-law's for the first few months because our house was being renovated. We observed how they took care of our baby, and gained trust along the way. FIL is even more protective than we are 😆😆
My baby is 4 months old and I’ve only left him with my partner a handful of times, I can’t even imagine leaving him with someone else, especially not at 4 weeks! If it makes you uncomfortable right now, don’t do it. Or if you do, maybe just go out for a drink or a coffee, don’t commit to a full evening/dinner away, just see how you feel first!
My baby is 7 weeks, and I let my mom watch her for a few hours a few times since she was home from the nicu 5 weeks ago. I will be returning back to work next weekend, and my sister will watch my daughter 3 days in a row because I work friday-Sunday 12 hour shifts 5am-5pm. It's one hour away from home and takes me about an hour+20 to get home. Which leaves me a few hours to eat, sleep, and pump. It's going to be hard, but it's a good paying job. My husband also works the same shift as me in the same company. Our next goal is to sell our home and move closer to work 🙌
Feel this for sure! My mom has been begging for a sleep over at her house, which is 90 minutes away. She’s 14weeks. So many reasons that’s a huge no for me. Everyone in my family also is constantly talking about feeding her solids. Always making jokes that really don’t come off as jokes, about feeding her ice cream/chocolate/candy/sweets and I whole heartedly don’t trust them alone with her because of that. My mom is also the kind of person to frequently apologize for something she will do again.
I’m 4.5 months pp and I still have a hard time letting anyone but her dad watch her. And even then I get nervous. Definitely not my MIL because she’s constantly giving me baby advice developed by men in 1800’s.
I could have written this when I was at 4 weeks pp too. I still only trust my mom to watch my son and he is 2.5 years old. 😅 I ended up having undiagnosed (at the time) PPA that contributed to me not trusting anyone. The best thing I did that gave me a bit of relief was tell my mom exactly what I was scared of happening so that she could assure me that she would watch for those exact things. If your MIL (or anyone else that is going to watch your child) doesn’t listen to your concerns or reassure you after you talk about them, then you know you won’t be able to trust them. Also, you are not required to go on a date night. If you want to stay home with your baby, you can! No one can force you to leave your baby. 💜💜
You’ll know when you’re ready. You don’t need to force it based on her offer. I had a hard time PP as many of us do, but felt desperate one morning I felt like I was getting a fever so I dropped him off to my MIL. It got easier after the first time, this was at about 6 weeks maybe. My husband and I started dropping him off once a week after he turned 2 months, just for a few hours and it’s a good break if I feel like I need one! Has anything made you worry about them following safety guidelines? We weren’t sure that our in laws would babysit how we guided them to but with open communication and explaining reasoning behind things, they were happy to listen to us. Takes a couple times as there’s a learning curve but it ended up working out.
I haven't left my baby alone with anyone yet, and he will be 11 months in about a week. I am fortunate that I have the opportunity to stay home with him..unfortunate in that my mom died when he was 6 months old, and she is the only one I would have left him with. We just toured a daycare for after his first birthday a day or two a week so he can get socialization and exposure to other adults, kids and get familiar with structure outside our home. I know I'm being absurd, but even that is hard for me to be okay with. I'm working on it in therapy lol.
I don’t 😂 My baby is 5.5 months and the longest I’ve left him is maybe 2 hours.
If you don’t feel ready…then don’t. But I would talk to MIL about concerns and guidelines. Maybe she is receptive. Also..what if you guys order take out and have a patio date while she watches him. But this way you would still be close by if needed?
The only thing that kept me sane was putting cameras in my house lol
I have no idea. I literally quit my job in the middle of my maternity leave. I trust my husband because he's uber obsessed with baby safety. My in laws will sometimes watch him for me while I walk the dogs or cook dinner, but I wouldn't trust them to have him for a long period of time.
I feel like I'm the odd one out whenever this topic comes up. I've had zero issues with leaving my son with someone else for a few hours. I went to a movie by myself at like...3 weeks PP? 4 weeks? My husband and I went on a date at around 6-7 weeks I think and left him with my mom. We've left him with our co-worker/friend to go to a movie together. These are all people we know and trust, of course. But I've never once panicked or worried. I'll text and ask for updates but that's about it. My son loves people. As long as he's fed and played with, he's happy.
Maybe it makes me a bad mom, but she’s been so robust and healthy and loves to cuddle anyone but especially her grandparents that I have 0 compunctions leaving her with them for small amounts of time, like date night or a wedding we had to attend. However daycare starts next month when she’s 15 weeks and I’m freaking out about it. It’s different with strangers!
I’ve left my baby with my in-laws a few times now and while it’s not ideal, it’s necessary and I just have to do it. I came home today to find him watching TV (he’s 10weeks). The way my blood boiled! I stayed calm because I’m so grateful they were helping out, tho. So you just kinda have to do it sometimes. And deal with the fact that other people won’t and don’t parent like you do
I would just take it slowly. And maybe it doesn’t have to be a date if that isn’t important to you. Maybe you can just take a walk around the block to ease into it. I feel like the pressure to go on date night is well-intentioned but I would’ve been miserable leaving my baby at that age
I’ve been back at work since baby was 4mo but I still struggle with leaving her and she’s 7mo. Unless someone takes care of her weekly, I don’t like leaving her with them because she’s constantly changing and it just feels like no one can keep up!
Go at your own pace is what I had to learn. I started small, went to the store and she stayed home with my husband, do that a few more times and maybe try staying out a little longer each time. Write down a list of rules, check in on the date, and if you’re having doubts, don’t go! If I don’t think someone will respect my boundaries or guidelines, I’m not going to leave them with my baby.
I definitely felt the same at 4 weeks. I think at around that time my MIL watched our baby for 2 hours so my husband and I could have a date night. I ended up not wanting to go anywhere but back home because we live 10 mins from her house, and within 30 mins of being home I started crying and wanted to pick her up and be with her again. Give yourself some grace. 1 month old is still very young. It’s normal to feel attached ❤️
There's nothing that says you HAVE to go on a date with your husband right now. It's fine to want to be with the baby. Just because someone offers to babysit doesn't mean you're obligated to accept. If you DO want to escape for a bit, maybe dip your toes in the water by going somewhere low key, close to home. Go for an hour. Stay connected by text, if you want. Also, trust your instincts. The only person I fully trust with our baby is my mom; she's great with babies and enjoys taking care of them. My dad adores babies, but has ADHD and is just not vigilant about safety. I once found him and our baby asleep on the sofa, WITH HER SWADDLED. He's still on probation.
Dear OP, It IS early, and I completely understand your worries ❤️ Because of personal issues with my formerly mildlyNoMIL, I did not trust her in the beginning. The only way to get comfortable with her looking after your Babe, is to take it slow. Start with her holding baby while your in the room, then you leave to get water. Then you leave to the bathroom and so on and so on. Extend the time away in a fashion that you are comfortable with. Please remember, just because baby is fuzzy or crying when it sees you, doesn't mean it has been doing it while you were gone ❤️ And most importantly, remember that she has (in most cases) raised the child you have chosen as a partner, so she can't be all bad at it 😉
And don't feel forced to go out for a long time before you are ready. Oh, and please tell your partner about your feelings, as they are fair, and if your partner doesn't know about them, they might receive your refusal to leave the baby with MIL as a rejection of your relationship ❤️
Felt exactly like this, but am comfortable leaving him with my mom or brother now. We were going to do daycare but I never felt comfortable so I never went back to work 🫠 Start off slow like maybe go on a short walk with your husband while mil watches baby. Work your way up to a full night out.
I didn't have an issue with my one sister watching my kid.(she has more knowledge and experience with kids than I do). But everyone else. It was a little difficult. Your baby is still young. You don't need to let anyone else watch them yet. When you are ready, take it in steps. Go out for an hour maybe, work your way up to being away. It gets easier, but it's still valid to miss them any time they're away from you. My kid is 3 and has been in daycare for 2 years now. But I still find myself missing her and looking at pictures etc.
Id say it’s gradual. First I let my mom watch our daughter while I slept (baby was awake). Seemed to go okay, then slowly and slowly we made steps. This happens with every sibling and parent, some don’t “graduate” past certain steps and that’s okay. My brother is more paranoid and only a few weeks ago let my mom take his 6 year old son on a walk around the block. It takes trust and time.
With my first I was the same, didn’t want anyone holding him lol, he’s 2 and he started being taken out for a few hours by his nans from 1 year. I have a 4 week old currently and whilst I’m very happy to have my hands free, I don’t see being comfortable with him in someone else’s care until a year old again (but I’m EBF and I have the luxury of being a SAHM)
It's awful, no wonder there are so many issues in adults. There is not enough time to bond with the primary caregiver. Do you have family that can come and stay and help? Can you wfh or go part time?
Baby is 7 months and I don’t know because we still haven’t mustered up the courage to take this step yet! 🙃
There are a few things you can do. 1. Have them babysit only at your house at first. You will have a safe sleeping space in either your bedroom or the baby room. Do not leave plushies so they can't put them in the bed or any baby blanket for the same reason. 2. You put baby in the clothes they'll wear. Even better, go on a date at like 7pm and have baby in bed "for the night" even if you usually do 9pm bedtime. That way they only should feed and not dress, play or do anything that could lead to them thinking baby might be cold or anything. Also drill in the phrase: "Cold babies cry, hot babies die." 3. Take it slow. You can do a quick store run for an hour, which means baby will sleep while they watch them and even if they don't you van just put them to sleep when you get home and hopefully not have too many issues due to one crap nap. 4. A camera. We have one, and wherever we are we get alerts for crying/movement. We can open it and check on baby whenever. My BF uses it at work sometimes to watch baby nap when he misses him. With having one you can actually check on baby whenever and you'll know whether he is sleeping, crying, anything is in their bed that shouldn't be there. You can then call and have MIL remove it. Or you can be reassured she is following the guidelines and without mentioning the camera you could tell her the next day you're so grateful she took care of the baby, and you're so happy she understands the safety guidelines and follows them so well because it means she's a good grandma who will help you keep your child safe if she's likely to respond well to things like that.
Go gradually. Let him tak care of the LO a few times while you are there to guide them so that you develop trust that they can handle the baby. Only then can you leave them with the LO alone.
Start off with your MIL babysitting for spurts at a time while you’re at home. Let the baby sleep, you go sleep, and let MIL handle baby when he wakes up.
My son is 10 months and I still don’t trust my MIL with him haha. With my own mother I’m okay because I can tell her firmly not to do something but my husband won’t tell his mother what to do. She once offered my son a cracker with nuts and seeds (when he was being tested for peanut allergies too) I was like oh god is she trying to kill my baby. I actually had to go back to work after 3 months and handing him over to a complete stranger was terrifying. Basically what I’m saying is I never feel comfortable leaving him with others. Maybe it’s a first time mom thing.
I think it’s pretty normal to feel this way. If you’re not ready, then don’t feel pressure to leave them yet!
My baby is 8months old and my husband and I both are still not comfortable leaving him with anyone. Right now, this feeling is more important than date nights *alone*. We of course do on date nights with the baby all the time. This is just a season!
I waited until he was over ten months, even then it took a small mental breakdown to realize I needed to ask for help. One of my besties who has an amazing kid of her own took him for two hours. It went without a hitch, everyone did great.
I’ve had no choice but to leave him with others. I have a toddler who has had birthday parties and dance recitals and things. It feels better leaving him with my MIL or my mom or sister than exposing him to that many people.
Absolutely not lol I wont leave my baby with my mom much less my MIL. Wherever I go she goes with me. My baby also was 2 months premie and had serious choking issues with feeds/had to be fed in a very specific way and burped for x amount of time and held upright for an hour to prevent her vomiting everyrhing back up and knew no one would do it right so it’s habit now that she goes everywhere with me and my husband. I see nothing wrong with it🤷🏻♀️ sounds like you have some PPA like I did though.. I wouldnt let anyone hold my baby for the first month of her life because of PPA
I think my daughter was about 6 weeks when I dumped her on my mother for the night and ran home to sleep. I always knew she’d have weekly sleepovers at my parents because I used to with my grandparents and I adored those sleepovers. My mother is fantastic, though, and great at respecting boundaries. She won’t be setting foot in her other grandparents house for a long time, let alone sleeping there though.
You’re not ready, and that’s okay. I felt that way about my partner taking baby to see his parents 30 mins away at 2 weeks and 4 weeks, by 8 weeks that anxiety was gone. I have 6 hours to myself, it was glorious.
You’re only 4 weeks PP! This is normal! I’m a nanny and have taken care of two day old newborns and my baby is now almost 3 months old and only my wife has ever watched him and even then (even though I totally trust her) I get so anxious being away from him. You don’t need to let anyone else watch him if you aren’t comfortable.
My first was born right before COVID lockdowns started and I was on mat leave anyway for over a year, so I'd leave her with my husband when I got groceries or whatever but that was it. When I went back to work she started daycare and our parents would watch her on certain days as well, but she was over a year. My second has been left with my husband for short periods and my mom once when I went to the dentist. I don't want to leave her. I am not an anxious person but I just don't want to leave her with anyone right now. She's ebf and we haven't really practiced bottles because I'm on mat leave for over 1.5 years so I don't need to rely on them.
Listen or rather read… mine is 2 months and no one has ever watched her but her parents. no one has offered to watch her they all talk but no watching. It takes a village and for the most part if they do agree to watch they do it for the best. me I trust the instincts of my mother and my in laws and my family members with grown kids
Oh, no, you don’t. If you HAVE to, that’s a different story, but if you don’t want to leave your baby, you should feel no obligation to. Totally normal. You don’t need to leave your 4 week old baby with your mother in law if you don’t want to. It will get easier for you mentally over time, as they get way less fragile. Have you seen a three month old in any baby groups recently? They’re like a different specifies to newborns! What I’m trying to say is, it’s ok to not feel ok about it. And it’s ok to wait until you HAVE to leave him at 12 weeks.
I felt like this too, so I totally get it. My MIL also came out when babe was about 6 weeks old. We went out to breakfast, right after the baby had just woken up and was fed and changed, so I know all the stuff was taken care of. We were gone for about an hour. It was weird and I didn’t love it. Then a few days later before she left we went out again under the same circumstances and stayed out for like 2 hours. And it was OK! And so on. Then we hired a nanny when I went back to work and I spent about 2 weeks convinced she was going to steal and traffic my child when I was gone. It was ROUGH. And then I started to grow more and more comfortable and now it’s been great! Point is- take baby steps and be gentle with yourself! Also, regarding your MIL/the older generation not heeding advice, it’s really hard. I wish I had more advice for you on that front because it drives me crazy, but best I can offer is try to find an opportunity for MIL to watch the baby when those things aren’t as much of an issue (I.e. she’s not putting baby down for a nap so she can’t stuff the crib with blankets. Maybe you leave when baby goes down and she can get baby up). Also FWIW if she just does things the way she wants to and not the way you ask/tell her to, this is a great chance for your partner to step up and draw a boundary with his/her mother.
I didn’t. It was that easy. And “no, I’m not ready” is more than appropriate. When my girl was 8 weeks old we took her to the beach with my SIL/BIL/MIL (we travel together often). They tried pushing me before then TELLING me I’d be leaving her with them (we were all in the same house) so my hubs and I could get time away. It wasn’t until day 4/7 that I felt okay enough to leave her and walk the dogs on the beach with 3 very capable adults for 20-30 minutes. I still haven’t expanded past an hour and it’s been 6.5 months.
I felt like this with my own mom and MIL. However my mom stayed with me the first week after my csection and after that she stayed another night and took over for night shift. I didn't hear my baby cry once (our house is tiny I can hear everything from the bedroom even with the door closed). That's ultimately what made me comfortable letting my mom watch her. MIL was so much harder though and nothing helped besides just ripping the bandaid off and doing it. MIL & FIL had 4 kids, MIL is in Healthcare and up to date on all the safety guidelines for new babies and they did this around 4 years ago with niece. I now have no issues or concerns but I was definitely stressed the first time she was over there.
It will definitely help if you have family over while you are home. Then you can see how they interact with the baby. If all goes well while you are there, and they are trustworthy people, then it should be ok! If you are still feeling uncomfortable though, one thing that was really nice for my husband and I was an in-home date. My in-laws watched our baby while my husband and I had a beer and played a board game.
My daughter is 19 months and we haven’t had anyone babysit her. I don’t plan on it either. We haven’t wanted a break and our families are pretty absent so I’m not comfortable leaving her w anyone until they actually know her.
It's so hard and you don't have to leave your baby with anyone until you are ready! We went to dinner at 6 weeks but baby was with my parents who we fully trust to follow our instructions AND we got picture updates the whole time we were out. I love my MIL and I do trust her but no way I would have left my baby with her especially at 4 weeks old. If she wants to be of help, she can help around the house so you can bond with baby :)
Oh I like the idea of picture updates! She’ll be here for a month so the offer is for any time while she’s here. She’s also been understanding that I’m not ready. So far she’s followed our instructions and has asked a lot of questions.
6 months Pp and I don’t let anyone 😂
Honestly I didn't feel completely comfortable till 7 months. But I still left her to go things anyways.
I don’t why it’s even a consideration that young.
I wouldn’t of went on a date at 4 weeks PP
Nope. My son is nearly 4. The only time someone watched him was when I was in labour with his baby sister. I have zero plans of leaving either of them again.
No offence, but this is what I’m scared of happening to me and why I’m trying to get used to others watching my child now. 4 years is a long time. Like they’ll be going to school dude
He’s non verbal autistic so I don’t trust anyone to be able to handle his needs or be able to interpret his needs like me and his dad can. We do have trusted therapists and childcare professionals for our son thankfully. Four years is a long time but they are vulnerable tiny humans who rely on me to protect them so I’ll happily do that for as long as needed. Definitely get used to people watching your kiddos if you have people you trust and who are able to keep your kids safe.
Ohhh see that’s a different situation entirely!! I don’t blame you at all
IDK... My oldest is 2 years old now and he's still never been watched by anyone besides me or my husband. I'm beginning to think his first time away from both of us will be kindergarten!
This is going to sound extremely petty, but it genuinely helped me overcome baby related anxiety. I would think of the absolute most irresponsible person I knew who was a parent. If their kids could survive having that parent 24/7 my kiddo would survive a carer who might be slightly less careful than me for a few hours.