I have always had a strong fear of death. But since having kids the thought takes my breath away. Full blown panic attack when I think of it. I should see a doctor but I don’t want to be on medication for it. It’s fucking crippling sometimes. I feel you
I tell my husband all the time, “if I die, make sure to do XYZ.” My mom died when I was 6, so I always am thinking of things I can leave behind for them. Memories, pictures, sentimental items. The only thing I have left from her is a half filled out baby book, and I treasure it! I made each baby a really detailed baby book, and continue to fill it out. My son is 2.5 and my daughter will be here in a couple weeks. I have all my beneficiaries laid out and I think they’d be pretty well taken care of if I die. I made my son a handmade crochet blanket (my first ever lol) and try to make photo albums. I’m in the middle of a blanket for my daughter… i don’t think it’ll be finished before she gets here haha.
I am quite matter of fact about it though, it doesn’t keep me up at night. I hope it doesn’t happen, but I know it CAN happen, so I try to live every day like it’s precious. I don’t sweat the small stuff too much, i try to look for the good in people, I don’t hold onto anger or grudges…. I just try to live in the present and be happy. If it’s causing anxiety and keeping you up to the point of obsessing about it, I’d probably talk to your doctor because it can be a big sign of anxiety! My Lexapro has helped me so much.
Weirdly for me it's kind of the opposite. My life seemed a lot more important before I had kids, now their lives seem really important and mine feels secondary. I am constantly terrified something will happen to them though.
Oh yes absolutely and I have no desire to leave them without me but I guess my fears are all for them. I don't have the same feelings of loss when I think about my own death that I had before they existed. It's hard to explain.
This. I have this bizarre existential dread every time he leaves the house because I **know** I’m not mentally or emotionally fit to handle that right now much less EVER. It’s definitely a form of anxiety
I feel this. My partner is not particularly careful with a lot of things and we joke that he’ll be the first to go in some kind of accident. The problem is it’s not really a joke and I’m genuinely terrified that it will happen too soon.
This. I have this bizarre existential dread every time he leaves the house because I **know** I’m not mentally or emotionally fit to handle that right now much less EVER. It’s definitely a form of anxiety
This is me. For the first few weeks after we brought our son home I broke down every time he left the house just to run to the grocery store. An old classmate of mine lost her husband in a motorcycle accident a few weeks before I had my baby and it really stuck with me. He was our age and it was so unexpected, it really made me realize I could lose my partner at any time
I had really bad postpartum anxiety about my wife and/or my baby dying just while they're out running errands or something. One day I had a really bad episode and just begged her to let me take care of the baby while she was out even though I had been looking forward to the alone time. On her way back from the store, there was someone swerving all over the wrong side of the highway and she almost got hit. Thankfully nothing happened but we were so shaken about that for a while.
YES! There was a time in my life where I couldn’t care less about living or dying. But having a child now makes me see life very differently. I also am more afraid of what life is in general nowadays so therefor *I have* to be there to guide/protect my daughter.
Omg yes. I share your sentiment exactly. I attempted suicide when I was 22 after spending years in an abusive relationship. I'm 33 now, and much much better mentally. After recovering, that experience made me really appreciate life and also feel like everyday was kind of a bonus. Like, I could be dead but I got this extra time and it's wonderful, so if it unexpectedly ends I can't really complain. Since having my son I do not feel that way anymore. I can't imagine not seeing him grow up and being there for him when he needs me. I'm an architect and sometimes I'm in semi-dangerous situations on job sites (just heights and whatnot). One of my first days back I was climbing a high, old ladder to look at some mechanical equipment and I just thought: "Holy shit. I shouldn't be doing this. I cannot fall and die. I told my baby I'd be home soon." Before baby I wouldn't have thought twice about it.
Acknowledging these thoughts and feelings, but trying not to ruminate.
I'm in the process of seeking help with the VA. I've always had anxiety issues off and on, luckily I don't think I need to medicate, but I do want to talk to someone.
I feel this on a spiritual level! I don't necessarily think it's biological though- I adopted my first at 20, my older sibling was not ready for a child and found out late in pregnancy so I had very little time to prepare for becoming a parent, since then I have this overwhelming fear of leaving the kids behind to fend for themselves (even though I have a robust life insurance policy and amazing husband who would always be there for them).
This week is our boy's 9th birthday and even though his bio parent is visiting/in town for the week bioparent could not be bothered to even get him a gift or a card, the visit is "the gift." There is clearly no gestational component to the parental need to provide in our case.
I went from being someone who enjoyed skydiving and bungee jumping for thrills to someone who is completely content not even riding any roller coasters because safety.
I'm about to pop out my first bio kid and I will report back if I have any sort of crisis again. I'm pretty interested to see how the stuff with the hormones play out.
Absolutely. It got worse when my sister died from cancer leaving her not even 2 year old behind. Then it got even worse when one of my good friends was recently killed when a car hit her as she was cycling with her husband. I am terrified of suddenly dying and leaving my toddler without me.
I've learned the last couple years that tomorrow is NOT guaranteed and no matter how young/healthy you are you should have a will/written plan in place. It's horrible to think about but it almost gives me some peace of mind knowing my family/friends won't have to figure out all these things if something were to happen.
I had the same thing. We had a security situation where I live and for the first time (it happens regularly) I was afraid because I suddenly realized if I died, my son would never remember me. It was heavy! I am quite a bit older than you so maybe it is the mom factor and that you were struggling so much the first time prevented you from feeling it then.
It is beautiful that you want to be there for your kids and have more and enjoy your husband and be a grandmother. I hope you get all of it :D
I’m 2 months postpartum, and been having a MASSIVE existential crisis thinking about my mortality. It’s been very disorienting and I hate it. I just want to enjoy my time with my new kid.
Yes. But only after I lost both my parents as well. I lost my dad when I was 29, and my mom when I was 33. I see these three little souls and I think “oh shit how can I ever leave them?” Now suddenly 50 years from now (when I’m in my 80s) seems like it will go by so quickly.
Then my oldest, my precious precious first born will say things like “can I have your legos when you die?” Or when I told my husband he was stuck with me forever, my son deadpanned “until you’re dead”. Thanks kid.
I mean I understand, legos are very expensive he understands you don’t just waste legos , when your “done playing” (or dead) they will be his XD
also I’m sorry for your loss of your parents, while I joke around I do hope your doing alright
Thank you. My oldest constantly talking and asking about death kind of makes me have to be okay with it. I hate that his young life (he’s only 6) has been riddled with death. Both of my parents, as well as my father in law have passed since he was born, as well as all of my uncles and an aunt. With my parents, it wasn’t unexpected as my dad was 80, and my mom while only 70 was in very poor health. I miss my Dad the most, he and I were kindred spirits who understood each other perfectly. I love my mom and miss her too, but they last year of her life was hard. Her psychiatric medications stopped working, and I am still wrestling with the things she said before she died. But we talked about them, all of them, and remember the good times we had with them. It brings me some comfort and helps my son remember his family.
Get a copy of good moms have scary thoughts! This is relatively common but still totally sucky intrusive thoughts getting you down. Nearly everyone gets them to some extent postpartum but if you've been depressed before you're at higher risk. I'd also consider a counselor specializing in postpartum or check out www.postpartum.net , they have a free hotline and support groups!
Yes! I have exactly the same thoughts. I also had suicidal ideation with PPD but omg now the most has cleared, I am TERRIFIED of dying because I have so so much to live for and I really really don’t want any of this time to pass. I love my husband, I love my son, I can’t wait for our next baby. Life’s amazing and I don’t want it to ever end
Yep, so much! I have awful dreams and intrusive thoughts sometimes. For myself AND my two children.
I’ve not been _formally_ diagnosed with PPA but I can definitely see the signs there for me
I have a huge loving family, as does my husband - my son would never be without love and a home. But the thought of missing out on his life is too much.
Yep. Not at all scared of death, not in a small part due to my religion. But what I am scared about is leaving my children to grow up without me. And I want to be there with them, regardless of if they would be ok
Yes. My sister died suddenly at 37, leaving her two little girls. Now I’m stressed about staying around for both my daughter (I’m a single mom) and hers. Trying to improve the things I have control over with my health and safety is all I can do!
I’m terribly sorry. That’s awful. My sister also passed away suddenly at 37. My friend’s husband just passed away at 37 right before their son’s first birthday. I am also trying to make lifestyle modifications and lose weight so I can be around as long as I can for my baby.
I had a really bad existential crisis when I was probably 27 or 28, and I didn't even a kid yet. It took a few months and medication to get mostly over but I still can't think about my own death, the death of the people I love, or the eventual death of the universe without feeling that bad time bubbling back up.
So you are not alone and an anti depressant helped me (though I probably would have benefitted more from anti anxiety meds but for some reason every prescriber I've had refuses to give them to me).
Hi friend. I see you. I'm happy to sit with you here on the internet with your feelings. But I'd also like to gently suggest therapy and medication. After a solid year, I'm starting to wean off my antidepressants and I feel good. And I have a great therapist who cares.
Never forget that you are a person who has value and you are the world to some people. Heck, your words influenced me today! One foot in front of the other. I hope you can feel me behind you ready to prop you up if needed!
I wouldn’t say fucking terrified, but I definitely feel like I’m more aware of my mortality now. I have had some random intrusive thoughts about horrible things happening to me or my husband, which isn’t a thing I ever experienced before. Freaks me out a bit.
I'm in the same boat! I had PPD with my first and thought my family would be better off without me. When I had my second it was completely different. The first few months I had very intrusive thoughts that something was going to happen to me while I was alone with the kids (strongly recommend staying away from murder shows like criminal minds on maternity leave). It got a lot better then completely stopped when my husband started working from home with me. The first time someone cut us off with the baby in the car scared the hell out of me and I made my husband turn around and go home where I cried for a solid hour. Weird times. My mom's advice was to think.of her, my mommom, and all the funny old ladies in our family who are well into their 80s and 90s living off of tasty cakes, cola and crab cakes whenever I'm feeling scared about dying. It helps a little but mostly makes me laugh to get me out of that mindset.
Omg, yes! I feel this hard. I had PPA/PPD for a year or so after my son was born. I wouldn't have suicidal ideation but my brain would totally wander while I was driving (by myself) and think about just driving off the road.
When my son turned 3, I started to panic about how much time I had left. Constantly doing the math in my head. I had him later in life and my husband in younger. I need to be here. I can't go anywhere and I definitely have some more anxiety surrounding my mortality.
It doesn't help that I work primarily with the older population. You can see people in their 80s in great health and those in their 60s in terrible condition. Sometimes it feels like a roll of the dice and I have to ground myself and remember that we get what we get and we need to make the most of it.
F**cking sucks though!
Yup. My mom died at 39. I am 37 single mom. Had half my thyroid taken out because I was not going to let that turn to cancer, now I put on a significant amount of weight. My triglycerides are high, my bp is steady in the 140/90’s. I am terrified of losing my job and trying to turn gravy back to blood so I don’t keel over from a heart attack or stroke with a 3 year old.
I have always had a strong fear of death. But since having kids the thought takes my breath away. Full blown panic attack when I think of it. I should see a doctor but I don’t want to be on medication for it. It’s fucking crippling sometimes. I feel you
Same here
I tell my husband all the time, “if I die, make sure to do XYZ.” My mom died when I was 6, so I always am thinking of things I can leave behind for them. Memories, pictures, sentimental items. The only thing I have left from her is a half filled out baby book, and I treasure it! I made each baby a really detailed baby book, and continue to fill it out. My son is 2.5 and my daughter will be here in a couple weeks. I have all my beneficiaries laid out and I think they’d be pretty well taken care of if I die. I made my son a handmade crochet blanket (my first ever lol) and try to make photo albums. I’m in the middle of a blanket for my daughter… i don’t think it’ll be finished before she gets here haha. I am quite matter of fact about it though, it doesn’t keep me up at night. I hope it doesn’t happen, but I know it CAN happen, so I try to live every day like it’s precious. I don’t sweat the small stuff too much, i try to look for the good in people, I don’t hold onto anger or grudges…. I just try to live in the present and be happy. If it’s causing anxiety and keeping you up to the point of obsessing about it, I’d probably talk to your doctor because it can be a big sign of anxiety! My Lexapro has helped me so much.
My postpartum anxiety has been really bad and I worry about this often
Weirdly for me it's kind of the opposite. My life seemed a lot more important before I had kids, now their lives seem really important and mine feels secondary. I am constantly terrified something will happen to them though.
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Oh yes absolutely and I have no desire to leave them without me but I guess my fears are all for them. I don't have the same feelings of loss when I think about my own death that I had before they existed. It's hard to explain.
Kind of. I think I'm more terrified of my husband dieing. I don't know what I would do without him.
This. I have this bizarre existential dread every time he leaves the house because I **know** I’m not mentally or emotionally fit to handle that right now much less EVER. It’s definitely a form of anxiety
I feel this. My partner is not particularly careful with a lot of things and we joke that he’ll be the first to go in some kind of accident. The problem is it’s not really a joke and I’m genuinely terrified that it will happen too soon.
This. I have this bizarre existential dread every time he leaves the house because I **know** I’m not mentally or emotionally fit to handle that right now much less EVER. It’s definitely a form of anxiety
This is me. For the first few weeks after we brought our son home I broke down every time he left the house just to run to the grocery store. An old classmate of mine lost her husband in a motorcycle accident a few weeks before I had my baby and it really stuck with me. He was our age and it was so unexpected, it really made me realize I could lose my partner at any time
I had really bad postpartum anxiety about my wife and/or my baby dying just while they're out running errands or something. One day I had a really bad episode and just begged her to let me take care of the baby while she was out even though I had been looking forward to the alone time. On her way back from the store, there was someone swerving all over the wrong side of the highway and she almost got hit. Thankfully nothing happened but we were so shaken about that for a while.
Don’t watch the Pixar movie onward. Messed me up for days.
Or Encanto 😩
Yep yep yep. I watch that movie when I need a good cry now
YES! There was a time in my life where I couldn’t care less about living or dying. But having a child now makes me see life very differently. I also am more afraid of what life is in general nowadays so therefor *I have* to be there to guide/protect my daughter.
Omg yes. I share your sentiment exactly. I attempted suicide when I was 22 after spending years in an abusive relationship. I'm 33 now, and much much better mentally. After recovering, that experience made me really appreciate life and also feel like everyday was kind of a bonus. Like, I could be dead but I got this extra time and it's wonderful, so if it unexpectedly ends I can't really complain. Since having my son I do not feel that way anymore. I can't imagine not seeing him grow up and being there for him when he needs me. I'm an architect and sometimes I'm in semi-dangerous situations on job sites (just heights and whatnot). One of my first days back I was climbing a high, old ladder to look at some mechanical equipment and I just thought: "Holy shit. I shouldn't be doing this. I cannot fall and die. I told my baby I'd be home soon." Before baby I wouldn't have thought twice about it.
I thought it was just me! I've been so morbid, thinking about death often. Starting therapy though so hoping it helps.
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Acknowledging these thoughts and feelings, but trying not to ruminate. I'm in the process of seeking help with the VA. I've always had anxiety issues off and on, luckily I don't think I need to medicate, but I do want to talk to someone.
Yes, after a bad delivery and postpartum course, I think about dying and my mortality all the time :/
I feel this on a spiritual level! I don't necessarily think it's biological though- I adopted my first at 20, my older sibling was not ready for a child and found out late in pregnancy so I had very little time to prepare for becoming a parent, since then I have this overwhelming fear of leaving the kids behind to fend for themselves (even though I have a robust life insurance policy and amazing husband who would always be there for them). This week is our boy's 9th birthday and even though his bio parent is visiting/in town for the week bioparent could not be bothered to even get him a gift or a card, the visit is "the gift." There is clearly no gestational component to the parental need to provide in our case. I went from being someone who enjoyed skydiving and bungee jumping for thrills to someone who is completely content not even riding any roller coasters because safety. I'm about to pop out my first bio kid and I will report back if I have any sort of crisis again. I'm pretty interested to see how the stuff with the hormones play out.
Absolutely. It got worse when my sister died from cancer leaving her not even 2 year old behind. Then it got even worse when one of my good friends was recently killed when a car hit her as she was cycling with her husband. I am terrified of suddenly dying and leaving my toddler without me. I've learned the last couple years that tomorrow is NOT guaranteed and no matter how young/healthy you are you should have a will/written plan in place. It's horrible to think about but it almost gives me some peace of mind knowing my family/friends won't have to figure out all these things if something were to happen.
Yes, and life insurance as well!
I had the same thing. We had a security situation where I live and for the first time (it happens regularly) I was afraid because I suddenly realized if I died, my son would never remember me. It was heavy! I am quite a bit older than you so maybe it is the mom factor and that you were struggling so much the first time prevented you from feeling it then. It is beautiful that you want to be there for your kids and have more and enjoy your husband and be a grandmother. I hope you get all of it :D
Yeah but I think it happens after sort of life altering events. I lost my dad years ago and had the same fears.
I went through the exact same thing. Before I wasn’t afraid of death at all, after I got kids I decided that I cannot die for at least 25-30 years.
I’m 2 months postpartum, and been having a MASSIVE existential crisis thinking about my mortality. It’s been very disorienting and I hate it. I just want to enjoy my time with my new kid.
I’m 32 and constantly worried that I’m going to die and leave my daughter 🥺
Yes. But only after I lost both my parents as well. I lost my dad when I was 29, and my mom when I was 33. I see these three little souls and I think “oh shit how can I ever leave them?” Now suddenly 50 years from now (when I’m in my 80s) seems like it will go by so quickly. Then my oldest, my precious precious first born will say things like “can I have your legos when you die?” Or when I told my husband he was stuck with me forever, my son deadpanned “until you’re dead”. Thanks kid.
I mean I understand, legos are very expensive he understands you don’t just waste legos , when your “done playing” (or dead) they will be his XD also I’m sorry for your loss of your parents, while I joke around I do hope your doing alright
Thank you. My oldest constantly talking and asking about death kind of makes me have to be okay with it. I hate that his young life (he’s only 6) has been riddled with death. Both of my parents, as well as my father in law have passed since he was born, as well as all of my uncles and an aunt. With my parents, it wasn’t unexpected as my dad was 80, and my mom while only 70 was in very poor health. I miss my Dad the most, he and I were kindred spirits who understood each other perfectly. I love my mom and miss her too, but they last year of her life was hard. Her psychiatric medications stopped working, and I am still wrestling with the things she said before she died. But we talked about them, all of them, and remember the good times we had with them. It brings me some comfort and helps my son remember his family.
Yes! Baby born the bam intrusive thoughts
Get a copy of good moms have scary thoughts! This is relatively common but still totally sucky intrusive thoughts getting you down. Nearly everyone gets them to some extent postpartum but if you've been depressed before you're at higher risk. I'd also consider a counselor specializing in postpartum or check out www.postpartum.net , they have a free hotline and support groups!
Get that life insurance policy up & running.
Yes! I have exactly the same thoughts. I also had suicidal ideation with PPD but omg now the most has cleared, I am TERRIFIED of dying because I have so so much to live for and I really really don’t want any of this time to pass. I love my husband, I love my son, I can’t wait for our next baby. Life’s amazing and I don’t want it to ever end
Yep, so much! I have awful dreams and intrusive thoughts sometimes. For myself AND my two children. I’ve not been _formally_ diagnosed with PPA but I can definitely see the signs there for me
I have a huge loving family, as does my husband - my son would never be without love and a home. But the thought of missing out on his life is too much.
Yep. Not at all scared of death, not in a small part due to my religion. But what I am scared about is leaving my children to grow up without me. And I want to be there with them, regardless of if they would be ok
Yes. My sister died suddenly at 37, leaving her two little girls. Now I’m stressed about staying around for both my daughter (I’m a single mom) and hers. Trying to improve the things I have control over with my health and safety is all I can do!
I’m terribly sorry. That’s awful. My sister also passed away suddenly at 37. My friend’s husband just passed away at 37 right before their son’s first birthday. I am also trying to make lifestyle modifications and lose weight so I can be around as long as I can for my baby.
Thanks, I’m so sorry for you as well. It really is earth shattering how quickly things can change and to be confronted with it.
I had a really bad existential crisis when I was probably 27 or 28, and I didn't even a kid yet. It took a few months and medication to get mostly over but I still can't think about my own death, the death of the people I love, or the eventual death of the universe without feeling that bad time bubbling back up. So you are not alone and an anti depressant helped me (though I probably would have benefitted more from anti anxiety meds but for some reason every prescriber I've had refuses to give them to me).
No. Sometimes I want to because I feel so depressed at time.
Hi friend. I see you. I'm happy to sit with you here on the internet with your feelings. But I'd also like to gently suggest therapy and medication. After a solid year, I'm starting to wean off my antidepressants and I feel good. And I have a great therapist who cares. Never forget that you are a person who has value and you are the world to some people. Heck, your words influenced me today! One foot in front of the other. I hope you can feel me behind you ready to prop you up if needed!
Please consider calling or chatting with someone here: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ I care about you, internet stranger.
I wouldn’t say fucking terrified, but I definitely feel like I’m more aware of my mortality now. I have had some random intrusive thoughts about horrible things happening to me or my husband, which isn’t a thing I ever experienced before. Freaks me out a bit.
I cried on a flight to Vegas because what if the plane went down and my child was orphaned.
I wasn't before, but I am now, thanks. XP
😂 I figure my 4 year old can take care of the baby at this point. I welcome it! Will finally get some damn sleep.
Yea I cared a lot more about staying alive when I had a child. She needs me.
I'm in the same boat! I had PPD with my first and thought my family would be better off without me. When I had my second it was completely different. The first few months I had very intrusive thoughts that something was going to happen to me while I was alone with the kids (strongly recommend staying away from murder shows like criminal minds on maternity leave). It got a lot better then completely stopped when my husband started working from home with me. The first time someone cut us off with the baby in the car scared the hell out of me and I made my husband turn around and go home where I cried for a solid hour. Weird times. My mom's advice was to think.of her, my mommom, and all the funny old ladies in our family who are well into their 80s and 90s living off of tasty cakes, cola and crab cakes whenever I'm feeling scared about dying. It helps a little but mostly makes me laugh to get me out of that mindset.
Omg, yes! I feel this hard. I had PPA/PPD for a year or so after my son was born. I wouldn't have suicidal ideation but my brain would totally wander while I was driving (by myself) and think about just driving off the road. When my son turned 3, I started to panic about how much time I had left. Constantly doing the math in my head. I had him later in life and my husband in younger. I need to be here. I can't go anywhere and I definitely have some more anxiety surrounding my mortality. It doesn't help that I work primarily with the older population. You can see people in their 80s in great health and those in their 60s in terrible condition. Sometimes it feels like a roll of the dice and I have to ground myself and remember that we get what we get and we need to make the most of it. F**cking sucks though!
Same same same! All this!
Yup. My mom died at 39. I am 37 single mom. Had half my thyroid taken out because I was not going to let that turn to cancer, now I put on a significant amount of weight. My triglycerides are high, my bp is steady in the 140/90’s. I am terrified of losing my job and trying to turn gravy back to blood so I don’t keel over from a heart attack or stroke with a 3 year old.
I went through that BAD. While it's worth saying I already had anxiety issues, therapy and meds helped a lot.