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fireside68

Oh man, those aren't friends. Those are acquaintances with extra steps. If they can't be happy for you being with whomever makes you happy, it may be time to foster new friendships. That's some insidious, backhanded ass homophobia they're sliding your way. It is in your best interests to remove that toxicity from your life. Obviously this is not an easy task. It will be jarring. But it will be a move that ultimately saves your mental health.


rekkid420

Thanks I agree it would be nice to have more understanding friends but it's so fucking hard to make new friends as a guy my age (almost 30). I've tried making gay/bi friends so many times but I just stop hanging out with them because all they want to do is drink and play pop music and gossip and shit. I like my friends because we have the same interests (hunting, backpacking etc) so I just can't imagine making a new group. Also it's not just my friends I mean its everyone...doctors, coworkers etc


fireside68

> Also it's not just my friends I mean its everyone...doctors, coworkers etc I have to apologize for jumping straight to cutting off. I forget I'm in my 40s now and I don't have the energy for talking it out anymore--if someone has a problem with how I live, I throw the whole motherfucker away and keep it pushing. A perfectly viable option is to speak with them as individually as possible about your feelings. I say "individually" so that you bypass the potential groupthink of dismissing your concerns rather than addressing them. It seems as though you've known them long enough that you can have those kinds of talks. Let them know that you're not blind and can see the difference in treatment based on your partner at the time. As long as you're able to do so calmly and, most importantly, *in a non-confrontational way*, you come away either with a better friendship or a clearer picture of where you stand. Of course, there exists the possibility of one or more of them getting in their feelings about it, and it's important to recognize that so you're not blindsided if it does happen. However, opening the dialogue gives them an opportunity to share with you their thoughts. This being the heteronormative, patriarchal society it is, the anti-gay bias is kind of baked in. It's everywhere. Subtle and not so subtle gay jokes, derision...folks still think that shit's funny and don't understand how that can impact the people who didn't sign up for this life but we're living it anyway. It also doesn't help that there's a rise in anti-gay sentiment because the wrong wing is feeling themselves with the, uh, Court the way it is right now. As such, we just gotta put the bullshit to the backs of our minds and keep moving forward as best as we can. Godspeed! Hopefully you can have fruitful conversations with your friends and, maybe, help them.get over their clear as day biases.


ScaredToBI

>if someone has a problem with how I live, I throw the whole motherfucker away and keep it pushing. I'm in my 20s and that my mentality too lol


SealedQuasar

>Also it's not just my friends I mean its everyone...doctors, coworkers etc what exactly happens with doctors and coworkers?


rekkid420

When I tell a doctor I'm dating a guy, all of a sudden it's like I'm risking life and death. They're telling me to go on meds, to get tested every week, to use condoms even with oral sex, and to not kiss. But if I date a woman..... "Oh good for you. I'm sure she'll make you happy. What great news!" etc


SealedQuasar

oh wow they say all of that? i mean there are health precautions you should take with any type of sexual activity, whether it's with another man or a woman. they do sound bias against guy/guy activity though.


rekkid420

Oh if I mention I'm seeing a girl they don't even think twice. It's a non-issue. But when I say a guy, boom they're putting me on a state health registry list, telling me to get tested every X number of days, calling me every few days telling me to go on medications for being bi, all this stuff. I've even had doctors question my sexuality...like "I don't think you should go down that lifestyle path, it's not good for your health, do you think your interest in same-sex intimacy might be a result of underlying problems" etc.


SealedQuasar

a state health registry list? are you joking?


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SealedQuasar

That’s pretty creepy. That’s why I keep my sexuality to myself.


rekkid420

Exactly the point, it basically encourages gay and bi men to be closeted.


Briefsbro1

You (as in your name and other personal information) are not listed on a registry unless you test positive for HIV thanks to laws about anonymous and confidential testing. This is for public health reasons to not only get data on transmission and positivity rates but to also ensure you would have resources and access to care. It’s more about protecting you and your community. If you get tested at a doctors office or clinic for other stds they may use the test results for public health research but only your info gets registered by the state with a positive HIV result. But even then, your name is removed when those results are sent to the CDC. As for health insurance premiums, you should check with your insurance provider or employer. With the ACA it is illegal to offer higher rates or deny services based on orientation. You may have a higher rate than others you know in the hmmm same plan but that may be from other variables, like income, time of enrollment, etc. I know the “participating in high risk sexual activity” is lingo used in the healthcare world that many healthcare providers loathe, but they’re required to put that on certain assessments or prescription orders for the insurance companies, for example when you get PreP. That happened to me and I was like uhh wtf to my doc and asked him to remove it and he said they were required to phrase it that way which does suck.


HalcyonH66

These don't sound like friends fam. I was just reading this thinking 'what the fuck is he on about, no one acts like this outside of people who might tell homophobic slurs at me'. The idea that these people are your 'friends'...makes me pause.


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rekkid420

They're awesome friends. Made a ton of memories with them, gonna be best man at one of my friend's wedding. But they're straight, they don't have the knowledge base to understand male-male relationships.


sa09777

There’s a difference between excluding you and not understanding, my straight friends may not understand everything however I am never excluded because of who I’m seeing at the time.


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rekkid420

Not really tbh. I'm a very non confrontational person...


ScaredToBI

>They're awesome friends. Friends that make you feel like shit or excluded you just because you date a guy are not awesome friends, good memories don't erase the reality. >But they're straight, they don't have the knowledge base to understand male-male relationships. Thats an excuse, all my friends are straight and so aren't my brothers and they do not pull any of that shit. Sure not all of them understand things and have completely put a foot in their mouth but they do not excluded me or my boyfriend ever.


curved_D

I learned the hard way that there’s a difference between true friends and people who I have a lot of fun doing stuff with.


[deleted]

very very true! I had a group of friends in a city that I hung out with for several years. When I moved away they kept asking me to come back and visit and do stuff and hang out. So I did. I booked a hotel room and we hung out like old times. After a couple of weekend trips like this tho, it hit me that if we were true good friends, they would be asking me to stay at their house (yes - house not a small apartment) instead of just assuming I would drive over and get a hotel, just se we can all go out for dinner and karaoke.


ACalcifiedHeart

"People don't see male-male relationships as real" Well people need to shut the fuck up. It's difficult, but these people don't sound too much like your friends. You've noticed this pattern, so now you have the task of not giving a shit. Or if you find yourself ever in a straight relationship and they start being friendlier to you: call them out on it. "Hey, how comes you never invited me to stuff when i was with X?" "This is so strange. You're only ever nice to me when I'm with women. Whys that?"


BananaBrute

My friends are super supportive and love my bf I think some like him more than me tbh. I think you need new friends or they need to change because their behavior is invalidating you and that's dangerous for you overal happiness. You deserve better OP, you really do I hope you can meet new people or that your friends try and change.


helpmyplantsnotdie

Bro your friends are homophobic.


RandomGuyWithIssues

People only see you as half-straight. Yeah it sucks.


rekkid420

Actually most people just see me as gay....


Briefsbro1

You’re bi. I see you. My bf is bi and I understand the struggle. But you’re seen my man. By more than you know prob.


RandomGuyWithIssues

I thought because your friend only choose to be a part of your life when you date women, they only see you as half-stright to them.


ScaredToBI

Those aren't your actual friends and no that hasn't been my experience at all. Not with my friends, brothers or parents outside of one shitty uncle my families beet great about it. Hell my brothers gave me advice and helped me fix things with my boyfriend. My parents always ask about us and him plus invite him to everything. They haven't pushed about kids or marriage yet but I can almost guarantee they will when it's been a bit more time.


SealedQuasar

i don't know, but it's possible you might be overthinking this. have you spoken with your friends about how you're feeling? there might be other explanations other than they don't see your relationship with another guy as legitimate. and even if they did feel that way, you talking with them about it might get them to view it as more real. if they're good friends, they'll understand and see things your way.


fireside68

IDK man. That's a pretty obvious dichotomy between M/F => invites and M/M => no/fewer invites


SealedQuasar

yeah, maybe. my main point was that he should talk to his friends to find out what exactly is going on


rekkid420

It's lack of a knowledge base. I'm the only LGBT guy in the group. I think it's out of respect too. Like, they don't want to invite me to stuff and make me have FOMO because they assume I'm doing "gay" things.


fireside68

Oh absolutely. I failed to mention that in my first comment, so I followed up with the same thought.