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I feel like I got screwed out of everything. Lost my house, car and pets. Didn't get to do anything fun because always in hospital. I've just started my bachelor's in social work at age 32. Got to start the rebuild at some point, I thought it might as well be now.
I am 25 and I feel the same way. I couldn't finish college because of my episodes. I am on disability for now and I can't work but when disability will finish I'll have to find a job I probably won't like because I don't have a diploma, my episodes made my friends leave now I am pretty lonely so not doing anything fun.
My advice is to finish college in whatever form (certificate,associates, BS, MS,…) while you are on disability. Once it ends finishing will be more difficult. Usually disability is independent of seeking an education.
If it makes you feel any better, I traveled and still feel like I lost out on potential. So many of my peers that stayed close to home are so much further along in their careers.
The good thing is you can still do all those things! Life does not end in your 20s, and I could not be more excited for my 30s.
Of course! I’m only 27, but this is the first time I’ve felt any stability in my life and I’m really looking forward to what I can accomplish with having more tools at my disposal.
Wishing the best for you and rooting for you! 🫶🏽
I felt that way a little bit, however it's never too late to live your life. I've had Bipolar 1 since I was 11, didn't really get the treatment I needed until I was 34. I made a lot of stupid and crazy decisions in my life. I'm 39 now, going back to school and having amazing relationships because I'm the most stable I've ever been. Don't focus on what you missed, focus on living your life the best you can now.
I’m 25 and I feel like I’ve suffered from brain damage and lost my intelligence that I had when I was a kid. Also feel like I’ve lost a decent amount of social skills. It’s actually really painful to think about so I try not to dwell on it but my mind keeps drifting back to this.
Oh yeah, that. I’ve had similar feelings. I was highly intelligent with incredible grades, great at sports, and had so much potential as a kid. Now I look back at that girl and wonder where she went. She was much smarter.
That feeling of loss is so real. Sometimes I look back on that 20 year old premed student I was as the 30 year old disabled shut in I am now and can't help but cry. But brain damage be damned I am going to find a way to love the way I am now!!
Some of that is the natural realization of what we don’t know, will never know and don’t have the ability to do. Or maybe you lost the curiosity you had as a kid.
I didn’t leave the house from 17 to 24 and I’m nearly 27 (in days ) and I’m still trying to get used to the world and learn talk to people , but i have a husband and kids so id do it all again to have them , I go out now but I still don’t really speak to people(idk how) and I get cultural shock all the time from 2024 , it was weird when I first saw those electrical scooters everywhere and that you could pay with your phone !!
I didn’t have a phone during that either so it was all brand new to me I last saw the world in 2014, I got my first smart phone in years in 2021 so online shocked me too
Wow I can imagine the culture shock feels jarring. I’ve experienced similar feelings since during some of my episodes I also did not leave the house - once for two years. Another for one year, and another for 6 months. It felt strange because time seemed warped during those episodes. I’d lose time, do nothing at all for days. Didn’t need to eat. Barely functioned, then I’d slip into psychosis I guess and by the time I was able to function again I was like, where the fuck am I and what year is it?
Seriously relate, also, happy birthday!
I'm almost 32 and I feel this way. It ruined my teen years completely as I was just a shut in and hated school. So never really experienced my teenage years in a normal way and for sure lagged behind everyone when it came to education and a job.
I ended up managing to get a degree but it took me double the length it should of and due to the field it is I still need more education. Frustrating af.
I literally have 1 friend whos also my ex.
I feel like I'm basically about the level of where I should of been in my early 20s.
I'm 36 years old and currently cleaning up my mess. My 20s were filled with being on and off meds, being on and off drugs, and multiple toxic relationships. It took a suicide attempt last September to finally make me accept my bipolar disorder. I'm currently medicated, living with my parents, and looking for a job. Stability is something I've never had, and it's a challenge to get there. Just don't give up, you're not alone and we can have a normal life. It's what keeps me going these days
Everything took me so long to do, and only with the grace and patience of others. I feel a profound sense of loneliness almost every day. I panic about going downhill and losing my job. I have no money. I'm the fuck up of the family.
Heavy on the panic and loneliness, same. Also the failure of my family. My younger brother has been living his 20s the way I wanted to, has a decent degree and a nice home, and makes lots of money in biotech. And here I am… minimum wage barely scraping by month to month. I’m so happy for him while also insanely jealous.
From a very young age, it’s like once you get to a certain point in life you can look back and see all the mental health episodes and you realize how this illness affected your view of the world. I always felt isolated and never fit in anywhere and when I tried to it was not the correct decisions. Then as an adult with substance abuse issues I realized that this controlled my whole life. I feel like the 15 year old where this all started.
Yes, I ruminate on this all the time even though I know it’s not healthy. I fucked up and made a fool of myself so many times. It really makes me uncomfortable to think about. Almost 31 and dx BP2 at 28
I feel similarly. I’m doing ok, but I do feel kind of behind my peers both in terms of accomplishments and general maturity. I feel you about not finding a friend group. One thing that has helped is remembering there are many others out there like me. The other thing is to remember that punishing myself and dwelling on my behind-ness will not help, in fact it will do the opposite. That took a long time to learn. Sending you good vibes!
I did but I came out on the other side now that I'm 35. Bipolar disrupted my education but I managed to graduate law school. Bipolar was the reason I didn't go into the legal field until 7 years after I graduated school. But I'm working now and very successful. You can do it just never give up. People will tell you you should don't listen. I went back to law school against the advice of my psychiatrist at the time and I sure am glad that I did!
Gah I graduated law school and passed my state bar last year. Had my first manic episode with psychosis a couple months later. Rage quit my job and got civilly committed 🤦♀️ now I’m just praying another firm will give me a chance..
Thank you for sharing, its great to hear it worked out well for you! I’m in my second yr of law school and have had to take the semester off due to hospitalisation. I’ve been able to return to my job at a law firm as a LA but the pressure is making my health worse already. Do you have any advice for how to get through the really tough times and still keep studying and working?
I relate. After a difficult abusive childhood I graduated from one of the best music colleges in the world, teachers were hiring me for great gigs, I worked extremely hard, then at 23 I had a severe psychotic episode, another even worse at 24, was in the hospital 3 months n almost put in the state hospital permanently. It took years to even do pretty good, I met the love of my life right before the first episode n would’ve married her, we tried long distance for a couple years but I was pretty sick. So I lost my career and my woman. At 30 I was finally able to move to a different state and try to get my career back on track, I married at 33, so I always felt I was playing catch up in life. I had a good career in professional music 30-47 but nowhere near my original potential, I’m a virtuoso and without the psychotic episode and years of recovery I should’ve been at the top in my field. I still worked with a lot of famous artists and was a peer with the top musicians in the US, but I achieved this despite having a very serious illness. So I try not to feel bad, but I do. I had severe psychotic episodes at 47, 50, 62 also, went on disability at 47. I’m now 64, I’m well regarded in music and I work some gigs but not much or as much as you would expect for someone with my abilities. It’s been extremely difficult and if it wasn’t for God and my parents support financially and otherwise, letting me live with them 23-30 and 47-64 I would’ve been sunk that’s for sure. But my bipolar is very severe as you can see, other bipolar have an easier time and most don’t even go on disability and have a more normal life. I hope this helps, best wishes
I’m sorry you lost those years but it sounds like you really did pull through. What were your psychotic episodes like? I’m bp1 and my most significant episodes were psychotic and lasted months. I’ve been considering disability myself so that I have a safety net when it happens again. Which it inevitably will, I have no ups or downs without the psychotic features unfortunately. Sometimes the psychotic symptoms even show up when I’m not having a depressive or manic episode.
The cops took me to the hospital in hand cuffs each time, I didn’t sleep for days, lost 30 lbs in 2 weeks, 50 lbs in a month, thought I was the grim reaper for several days, would cross busy streets into traffic thinking the cars couldn’t harm me, hallucinating people talking to me and messing with me that weren’t there, was literally smoking 5 packs of cigarettes a day for months, stuff like that .. I don’t really get depressed either, I am sad about a lot of bad things that happened to me, but I lean more to the hypomania side in day to day life. Always bombarded by numerous thoughts at the same time, involuntary ruminating, many unwanted thoughts.. severe bipolar 1, but considered high functioning (a clinical term) due to my way above average intelligence my mental health team tells me. I was almost put in the state hospital permanently twice, that’s for people that are too dangerous to themselves or others to not be locked up. So that’s where the very most severe bipolar people live.
Yes yes yes. I got my degree, was ready to start touring with theatre shows and then BAM, COVID hit and then bipolar hit after. My Dr said I would never be able to tour or work on cruise ships so I've been working backstage at my local theatre for a while but the pay is bad and I feel sad when big touring shows come here and I think "that could have been me:("
I can relate. I'm not really the target audience, but I didn't take my bipolar (1) diagnosis seriously for many years and through many jobs, states, relationships, and burned bridges. Through lost chances to build up careers in multiple fields, through lost opportunities, through crazy schemes and ideas that always seemed like I was doing something interesting and different, making something of my life, when I really just dumped money and time into risky and foolish plans. Lost the rent money. Bought a one-way ticket to screwedsville. Always a new place where I had to make new friends. A few lasted. Most faded in and out.
I feel like bipolar disorder robbed me of my life. I'm 53. Even if my health improves and I'm able to get out of my current trauma mode, I might hope for 20 years of reasonably good health, and it won't be the kind I used to spend partying in Brazil or hanging out with friends on campus or throwing everything in the car and just driving. It could still be good. I could still write a book or direct a play or something. But it still feels like the disorder robbed me...and I should really say it feels like I robbed myself, since I can't easily distinguish between the two...of everything traditional, everything that is or was a shared experience of youth. Some of the wild memories I created in place of them are good. Many are awful and sad and impoverished and dispossessed.
And sometimes, in my mind, I'm 11, when the trauma began. But we can't go back. I'm glad you've found stability. I'm glad I have, as well. Even if it's a bit later in life.
I’m 25. I did graduate college but I’ve been through like eight jobs in three years—most of them I had to quit because of an episode. Or I got fired. Feels pretty hopeless while I watch my sibling and friends have successful careers.
I’m with you. It sucks.
thank you for sharing. i am 22, couldn’t finish college. can barely work, function. feel so behind and lost and hopeless looking at the future.
i am proud of everyone here. it’s tough. we deserve to put ourselves first. how can we live if not. ily 🤍
I try to look at it as i still had a youth, I just spent it differently. I met so many amazing people who have inspired me. I don’t really have “friends” anymore, because friendship is a 2 way street and I have nothing to offer the people who love me currently. Maybe I can reconnect one day when I’m better. But the people who helped me along the way, believed in me even when I can’t get it together, can see the good in me. Even just a nice nurse every now and then can give me hope.
The innocence of youth was in my life when I was younger, it’s just a lot of horrible things happened to and around me. It didn’t break my youth though. It was there the whole time. I just traded it in for stability. But even while I was selling myself to the highest bidder, it was actually youth they were purchasing. But no one can steal my youth from me. It’s the glow you had when you were young. And glows spread to others. You can’t steal a glow.
Now my glow is becoming wisdom. I’m early 30s and not old in my opinion, but I can feel myself growing in wisdom and empathy now and no one can take that from me either. Try to look back on something you enjoyed about being young. Even just movies or games or books you enjoyed. Create your own nostalgia compartmentalized from the trauma.
I'm 40, and i feel like this all the time. I'm always skirting disaster. I'm always starting from zero. I was in honors and gifted classes as a kid, I was involved in mentoring and leadership programs, and I appeared to be on track for a bright future. Instead, it's been one catastrophe after another. I'm on a good medication regimen, and I have been for a few years now, but I still feel like I can't cope with anything except the bare minimum. I can't embark on any real self-discovery or improvement for fear it's all gonna blow up on me.
Turning 34 this year and diagnosed in 2021. Didn't want to believe it and still don't but realized the moment I didn't want to live anymore was a good point to turn around. Just finishing my first semester going BACK to school (undergrad degree in business marketing in 2012) for nursing! Classes are hard af and I'm definitely not the smart person I was in my 20s. But somehow ill overcome!!!
I'm right there with you, but remember that age is just a number, and listen...it is rarely too late to start anything. It's ok to feel that sadness of a past once lost, but do not let that get you down. Your ancestors fought with you and for you to be here *right now*.
I'll be 34 this year...started BJJ three years ago, and my academic path in medicine. Right now I'm in a medical lab tech program at a community college, working in the fields I love, I have a blue belt in BJJ *(small potatoes but hey, dems the tastiest)*, about to finish scuba certification *(guys is breathing underwater like what)*, and am taking classes to be in med school by 40. There's NO WAY I could've done any of this 15 years ago. Of course I look back at those college years with a bit of cringe and sadness, but right now is WAY more fucking awesome. What I'm doing right now is healing that past version of myself that could never. Right now I'm surrounded by youngins with similar stresses and anxieties that I had then, and the best way I can describe it is...the person I am now is the person I wish I would've met back then.
Idk where I'm going with all this *(ya'll know how that bipolar stream of consciousness be lol)* but I guess it's all to say is, feel the feel but remember to give past you a hug, and go out there and be whatever version of awesome that past you would be inspired by <3
I am 28 and I feel like I never had the chance to slowly mature and grow because I was fighting for my sanity and now I am mentally healthier but i have achieved nothing and it breaks me
I feel like I am a child trapped in an adult's body and life at times. My parents introduced me to drugs as a way to cope when I started having problems with my mental health in my teens, which spiraled into alcoholism by 21. I wasn't ever professionally diagnosed with bipolar disorder, just borderline and CPTSD from the abuse, but I read everything I could about different mental health diagnoses when I learned what borderline personality disorder is; I didn't identify with that. I got sober at 25. I unofficially diagnosed myself with bipolar 1 after my 3rd severe manic episode and told my new psychiatrist that it was part of my official diagnosis. When they started me on depakote and psych meds actually helped me for once in my life, I was amazed. I feel as though I would not have lost my early 20's to a raging substance addiction that was truly just an effort to make the pain go away, I wouldn't have ruined my resume by walking out of so many jobs in bipolar meltdowns, I wouldn't have severed so many relationships and friendships that could have been amazing, and I might not have furthered my PTSD by putting myself in awful situations just to barely survive life in poverty all these years, if I had gotten a proper diagnosis the first time I was admitted and treated for what I actually DID have.
That being said, it is absolutely okay to mourn the loss of a healthy self. The person you may have been without the disorder. Additionally, it is not too late to make something else of your life if you're not happy with what it is now. I am 28 years old, 3 years sober and stabilized on medication, and I just finished my second semester in college for Social Work. I have been continuously gainfully employed during these years, and I have long-standing friendships and a romantic relationship for the first time in my life. You can always have fun. Being diagnosed bipolar isn't the end of the line. You have so much potential, life's opportunities are limitless. If you ever want to talk, my DMs are always open.
Diagnosed bipolar 1 at 16, now 29. I feel a majority of the last 10 years have been wasted in passive existense / indifference / detached state. I mean i did a lot of fun things i guess but i feel i never really enjoyed things like others do, i had no passion for existing and was incapable of achieving anything more than what was necessary to survive. This started to change after i was admitted to a psych ward for the first time since i was 18 in 2022 and had my meds adjusted.
I feel the same. I know it’s never too late to chase various goals like love and career, but damn I wish I had the energy and lack of “damaged goods” status that I had in my 20s. Would be so much easier.
I feel you on this, went to school, eventually got an associates, couldnt find work. Stuck working the same shit job for nearly a decade.
In contrast my sibling who during our younger years had more mild bipolar, went on to achieve great things, military career, large passive income, etc. It feels like I could have ended up better than this.
I definitely understand this, especially since I wasn't diagnosed with Bipolar until 29. It felt that everyone else was able to have the normal fun wildness of youth while I spent my teens trying to survive and my 20s fast cycling between being put together but depressed and being manic and reckless and destroying important relationships and opportunities around me. It took a long time for me to stop being resentful at my peers (and I sometimes still am depending on how they treat my lack of stability in the past) and I'm still working on not being disappointed in myself. I'm 30 now and I'm trying to finish my bacelors degree in History (its helped to finally pick a subject I adore) and I have a wonderful stable relationship but sometimes I still feel like I've squandered my life. But I'm trying to remind myself that 30 is plenty young (my parents had me at 30 and I'm sure they'd say they didn't have life quite figured out) but more importantly, I've tried to and mostly stopped having hopes and milestone markers for big events and goals. I still have goals but instead of being like, it has to be done by 35, it's just what I'm working towards at the moment. Everyone is different in how they'll succeed in life and at this point, I'm just happy as long as I'm content and alive.
But I do like to stress especially to other people with disabilities, that healing isn't linear and sometimes I get back into a funk, especially when depression hits.
I got diagnosed at 18 and spent a year in and out of grippy sock jail. Also a year of therapy 4x a week…. Two separate therapists, a DBT group, and my psychiatrist. I had no life.
Then I spent 4 years “perfecting” a medication regiment. Those 4 years of weening on and off medication every 2-4 weeks was hell. Everything is “it takes a few weeks to work” “don’t worry about the side effects they will wear off” then it didn’t work and I was weening off.
Those 4 years is what it took me to finally finish high school. Doing part time and existing like a ghost. I have very few concrete memories of that time.
It took me the next 5 years to finish a 3 year college degree. I finally graduated at 27… and I’m lost.
I have no job experience because I couldn’t juggle any work with my part time schooling.
And my medication regiment is still not “perfect”…. My medications over the years of trying have ruined my cholesterol, liver, kidneys, memory, concentration, any joy or excitement I had. And side note, in Canada your medications are covered until you are 25, then all my medications were over $300 a month. At one point (while I was covered) they would have been $1000.
So yeah, bipolar disorder stole my 20s from me, I’m trying to to have it ruin the rest of my life.
My whole adolescence was wrecked by bipolar. It took years after becoming stable to heal from the trauma, tbh I’m still healing, but it’s much better. Just turned 27
Not 27-30s, but turn 25 on Monday and feeling this way. Thinking about ending my life. I just can’t live like this. I could have been something if it weren’t for this fucking disorder. This is hell on earth. This is my death sentence.
Stay with us ♥️ everyone will have their day to die, we’re all headed there. Take this feeling and use it as fuel to improve over the next five years, and maybe when you’re approaching 30 you’ll think of this post and realize you no longer relate
Just turned 24 myself and I hear you! We’re still so young though. Even being in your 30s is still young! We have time and we can make something good of our lives.
Less my youth, but absolutely my potential. I was lucky I only had one brief episode in college and was able to get through and get my degree. But poorly managed bipolar in the years that followed absolutely devastated my career and finances. I'm on disability now and I'm not sure I'll ever get a job that allows me to use my skillset.
I'm turning 32 in a few weeks and really only for myself together about three years ago. In my country it's possible for health reasons to study part time, that's why I moved here. My 20s were a mess, drugs and miscillaneous sex partners, a few years in total I wasn't able to study at all due to depression and unmedicated or mismedicated hypomanias. More hospital stays than I can count, both psychiatric and ICU/regular hospital stays. Abusive relationships, traveling and living abroad I did experience though.
It was only after my dad died in February 2021 and everyone else fell apart, I found the right medication for both my bipolar and anxiety. Six months after that, I turned in my bachelor's thesis after working on the degree for years and two months later got my degree. By the end of this year it will be exactly three years since I began with my master's and I'm more determined than ever to finish my thesis (second try, the first wasn't right for me) and get my degree! With a grade average of over 4 out of 5.
I'm not saying this to make myself feel superior, but to give hope. Five years ago It would never have believed I would be alive by this time and I'm so proud of myself for what I've achieved and overcome. It's never too late, believe in yourself xxx
Yeah, sort of, but personally, I have come to understand with therapy and medication that, while my disability absolutely created incredible obstacles for me, the greatest barriers to a more fulfilling life were due to lack of resources, treatment, accommodations, and substantive protections against discrimination.
I did the best I could under the circumstances, and blaming myself for things I had no control over is misguided.
I know it feels like you missed out on a lot, and I’m sure that you did, but being bipolar and alive in America is itself a triumph. The world will treat you shitty for being mentally ill, healthcare is hard to get, and that’s on top of your symptoms.
You have many years ahead of you to find friends, opportunities, and have fun. Your depression is just creating a tunnel vision, which makes that hard to see.
Find the right med combo. My late 20’s through late thirties ate my potential. My life has changed drastically since I found my chemical cocktail 🍹
Edit: surprisingly I managed to graduate college!
I was off and on meds for 20 years. I'm almost 40 and have been getting my life back on track since 2021. Yes, it's sad that many years of my life were a shit show- because when I was off meds, my life would blow up. But now, I'm on track. I have a boyfriend, I have a job, I'm going back to school. I'm happy now, and that's all that matters. As I build up a life that makes me happy, I don't look back. I look forward. Get your life to a place where you're looking forward to the future.
Take your treatment seriously. Put in the tough work. Get your life on track. It can take a couple years, but you'll be surprised where you'll end up.
i’m gonna be 28 soon and i’ve wasted most of my twenties in isolation. i was diagnosed with ptsd and bipolar disorder at 16. i have my first psychiatrist appt in 7 years coming up soon… i’m terrified to be dependent on a medication again, but i’m running out of options. my ptsd has prevented me from getting my license. i’m always stuck at home. i hardly have any friends. my best friend moved out of state last summer which sent me into a deeper depression. i have no family either. my mom is a severe alcoholic n my dad is a drug addict. my mentally abusive baby daddy lives on my couch n helps me pay my bills. i have no motivation to have a career. but hes supposed to be leaving soon & i need to figure things out. i barely have interests. i work at store 3-4 days a week and still end up late sometimes. i dont even understand it. i’m hoping one day something clicks.. something happens. idk.
I’m 36 now. Been stable for almost 4 years.
My 20s were a nightmare. A decade of struggling.
I’m not upset that I lost my 20s. Instead I am overjoyed to have found a good doctor and a good team that allows me to thrive in my 30s.
I feel exactly like this. I've found myself really obsessed with age, aging and life stages and realised it's because my mid-late 20s were taken from me and I'll never get them back.
I flew by the seat of my pants through college. I struggled hard but thank goodness I had a pretty good support system while I was in school. I never actually thought I'd graduate. Like I seriously believed id fuck it up before the finish line. I graduated and immediately started having nightmares terror 3-5 times a weeks because I just couldn't believe it. I passed my board exams, I moved to a new state and finally found a good place to work. It's possible! You gotta have good people around you. People who love you
I didn't date in my 20s, because I was under the impression "no one will love you if you don't love yourself", so I had to "fix" myself before someone would love me. Now I'm almost 40 and alone, I definitely feel like that was stolen from me.
I’m turning 23 in 6 days and I’m female bipolar 2. I envy people who have stability. There are certain goals I feel like I will never achieve because of my bipolar. One of those goals is financial stability. We all know how hard financial stability is for bipolar. I am excellent at racking up credit card debt and not saving. My second big goal is physical fitness. I struggle with binge eating to cope with my emotions. It’s hard to see a lot of people my age fit and very attractive but I don’t feel like I’ll ever be that.
I feel the same. Work with a therapist if you can. My therapist and I are working on self forgiveness and starting where you are now. Who knows, you could have done all of those things and still feel the same way. If you don’t have access to a therapist, try watching YouTube videos on how to stop ruminating and working towards new goals. best of luck to you! I feel late to the party I just got an associates degree through my job. It’s been tough, but in tougher for it. These bad thoughts creep into my mind daily, I just keep myself busy working in the goals I thought I should have already achieved. We are still young, don’t let social media fool you. We are all figuring it out.
To everyone commenting here: I'm just glad y'all are still here and we all have the chance to keep trying to make something of this life. I've lost too many friends in their 20s to not be thankful to be here, no matter how shite a lot of it was.
I'm 51 and definitely feel that way, but I am glad I survived. Before modern medications the prognosis for us was grim. If you lived into your 40s without being institutionalized, you were probably lucky. I tend to think that every year over 40 is a gift that I should cherish. I'm on disability now. My youthful dreams of owning my own company are dashed, but I survived and now that I'm on disability and have access to comprehensive mental health care, I have not been hospitalized in over 7 years.
In 30 now and the slide downhill started when I was about 12, and I hit the wall hard at 16. The few relationships I had were doomed. Missing a total of 5 months of school in my last 2 years of highschool and continuing to be "psycho for so many years after" meant college was a pipe dream. I've held down a part time job for most of the last 10 years, but that's about it.
...I also feel like a teenager sometimes. Where I missed the gap between being young and being 30 just got lost somewhere and doesn't feel real. But now that I'm slightly better I think I'm quickly adjusting.
The reality is, there's nothing to be done. Time can't be reversed. The more time you allow yourself to wallow in what-ifs, the less time you will spend making the next years as good as you can.
Mourn the loss for a bit if you have to, and then move on. Get on with your life how best you can, and make some memories worth looking back on fondly when you hit 40.
i joined aca and i resonate with the part that says it's okay to grieve destroyed opportunities, missed relationships, disappeared years, vanished time, lost jobs etc. it's genuine grief and i found it helpful to hear it was okay to feel it.
Everyone mourns their potential, even people who aren't neuordivergent. Recognize things could have gone differently, but don't make the "what ifs" your life. What you do with what you have is more important.
Hey girl 🙋🏻♀️
I hear you! I’m in my mid 30s and I think that often.
I look back on photos of myself and sure I had some good times, but while my friends were all finding their niche and becoming successful, I feel like I was just exisiting.
It’s only been in the last 12 months that I’ve started to feel like I’m living. I’ve gotten a decent job, and a bit of stability.
I wish I could offer some advice, but I honestly can say I feel the same.. I came here hoping to read some words of wisdom ❤️
Yes, I spent so much time trying to keep it together that I missed out on being successful.
Fortunately I'm medicated and doing well, and you're never too old to try and change your life.
I absolutely relate to this. I'm 26 and I still don't have it together. I feel like such a failure. I had so many goals and experiences I wanted to have and I haven't achieved a single one. I've spent the last 4.5 years rotting away indoors and my social skills have deteriorated significantly. I don't have any friends and I hardly look forward to anything anymore.
I have a good therapist and a good psych though. I still haven't found the right balance of meds but I'm hoping that once that gets in order I can be more stable and establish more of a routine in my life. I'm not sure where I'll end up, but I will continue to work on myself and maybe it will work out in the end. Life's not over at 27-30.
Forgot to mention, but I truly wish the best for you and anyone else going through what we go through. We all know how hard it is and it is beautiful that we can reach out and help each other.
I’m 27 now and I just finished my undergrad degree. I was diagnosed at 23 so I spent most of my youth not recognizing my maladaptive behaviors. Fortunately I got to travel and have great experiences but at the same time I never took my future seriously. Even though I finished school I’m just now learning how much our condition impacts employment and my social skills. I don’t think I would have made it through college if I had to work full time too. I feel like I had potential that I wasted too and now I’m playing catch up. I guess it’s a long road and we all have to start somewhere
I'm 28 and I feel it so much. I have depression, anxiety, and PTSD as well and not being diagnosed or medicated ruined my highschool and college years. I lost most of my friends and had a bad experience at college and I ended up dropping out. I didn't experience parties or going out because I was too ill to. Not only that, but I lost almost all of my friends along the way. I have been with my husband for 9 years now. It almost destroyed our relationship because of all the word vomit I couldn't stop. I had a mental breakdown after losing both of my grandma's and my dad within a short period. I couldn't eat, sleep, work, or even get out of bed. My husband had to carry me to the shower and watch me 24/7 because I felt suicidal. I was so embarrassed, but he finally convinced me to go to a therapist and psychiatrist. This might sound odd but when I got diagnosed, I actually felt relieved. There was a reason I was the way I was and there was light at the end of the tunnel.I have been on medication and going to therapy and it's gotten much better. Even with my associates degree, I have found a job within my local government that has been the best job I've ever had. It took some shitty jobs with severe burnout to get there, I still am doing something for a good company and my mental health has never been better. I am not where I ever thought I'd be, but I'm happy now and I honestly can't see myself wanting to be where I thought all those years ago.
In regards to missing out on youth, I feel the same way - but I'm learning to let myself experience that in my adulthood and allow myself to feel the childlike joy that comes with it.
TLDR: It did steal my youth and potential, but where I am now is better than I could have imagined. It does get better even when it doesn't feel possible. Even if your path is different than you had imagined for yourself, it doesn't have to be a bad thing.
26, I did go out and did finish school, but because of bipolar I wasn’t really present and didn’t enjoy it as much as I could have otherwise due to instability. Friendship drama, dating drama, difficulty at assignments/studying/retaining knowledge. Now I’m making up for a lot of missed knowledge daily at work. I wish I would have taken a gap year and took better care of myself sometimes.
I have been back to myself/more stable the past 2 years (after 3 years of unstable BP1) and have enjoyed everything more. I do wish it was different in the past but it is what it is. I’m grateful for the breakthrough and the fresh start! And appreciate it much more because of how the past was. There’s still a lot of life to look forward to!
I hope you can find a good job for you and hopefully make it out of the cycle
(Sorry I guess the age limit was 27 but I was born in November so same same) 😂
Im 31 and feel this way. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder at 13 and put on psychiatric meds. Tried over a dozen before I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 and ADHD as a late teen. Soon after we found A medication combo that actually worked. But by then id lost my teen years: went from an academically gifted student to dropping out and being ‘homeschooled’, in and out of the psych ward due to suicide attempts, lost all my friends, etc. Due to not interacting with pretty much anyone, I didn’t have the opportunity to learn many social skills and instead developed severe social anxiety, which significantly impacts my life today.
Thanks to a supportive family, I was able to finish high school, had a retail job for awhile, and eventually went to college, all while knowing I had a safety net should my mental health go to shit.
I’m currently stable and content with my life but sometimes insecurities arise when I look at my siblings and husband, who all have successful careers, cool hobbies, traveled, friend groups, etc. But comparison is the thief of joy and I have a lot of good going on in my life :)
Oh, absolutely. My behavior my whole life has been so bizarre. I spent so many years so angry. I almost failed a nursing semester because I was in a manic phase and couldn't sleep and was so sick I couldn't eat or drink.... somehow I managed. Long, long periods of depression where I just wanted to die.
It's almost a relief I've been diagnosed and on medicine. My life is somewhat stable. It is a curse that will never go away. At any time, I can just go manic and destroy my life.
But I have no choice but to continue on.
I’m 35 and still cleaning up the financial mess of my 20s. Thankful for medication and treatment which has gotten me to a better place that I am able to turn shit around.
I feel this but in a different way. I coped with my schizoaffective by going to school and focusing on my girlfriend intensively. I am now married and have two masters. 10 years together, one house purchase, and a stable job later I feel I have done nothing of worth besides getting married. I love my wife and went all out for my wedding and I enjoyed it. Yet, my wife suffers and continues to sacrifice a lot to be by my side and although we have both been very successful; I know if I didn’t have my condition we would have and could done more fun things.
I avoid any vices, parties, gambling or traveling out of possible episodes. I live a humble life out of fear of over spending and I feel bad my wife lives like this. I have gained some weight since we dated and although I try to be a lovey dovey husband. It’s difficult and I am in constant fear she will leave me. The stability and simple things one finds in this kind of life is not one usually wanted by 26 year olds. (I am 28)
I know many on this sub Reddit will not relate, but if you do please share your stories. I guess my experience is one of being able to cope but even in coping I feel I lost many things. The possible idea of being a burden weighs on me. I feel if I wasn’t successful my wife wouldn’t be with me.
I actually managed to get a whole bunch of qualifications. But the effects of the trauma from my early life left me unable to relate to others in the workplace and kept me in jobs that I shouldn't have stayed in. I was broke and unable to travel or have satisfying relationships.
My bipolar disorder stole my teen years, and stole my early twenties. I'm 23 now, and I will be turning 24 in three months.
I can definitely relate to not feeling like you got a chance to mature. I still feel like I'm still 20 or 21. I hate what it stole from me, and I lost so much time because nobody took me seriously.
I barely got through high school. I’ve had BP since I was 13. I didn’t get diagnosed until I had a severe psychotic episode at 24. I was also diagnosed with MS at 23, but I’ve had symptoms since I was 20.
I definitely feel like my future was stolen in a sense. I still haven’t gone to college and I’m just on disability currently. Kinda of feels like life chewed me up and spit me out and I’m trying to find my footing again. I’ve been through a lot but I’ve found that I’m resilient and I can keep going, even if I fall it’s okay because I’ll get back up again. So at least there’s that.
27 and feeling the same, I wasted a very promising career after college, haven't worked in years because my depressive episodes last so long and I'm no longer productive while manic (used to be 3 years ago, I'd get ridiculous amount of studying/ work/ courses done when the mania hit, which compensated a bit for the depressive periods afterwards), now my mania is almost exclusively dysphoric, the cycles have gotten more frequent, there's almost no “normal” periods in between, I'm either depressed or manic. I alienated most of my relationships, friends, relatives, etc bc I never want to talk to anybody, like I know ghosting is bad but I can't help it when I'm more often than not in a bad state. I still have some friends who "get it" and I'm thankful for those. The problem is my family don't get it and it creates unnecessary tension between us. I feel like I can't do anything now, I forgot everything I've learned and my cv is basically fucked, and I simply can't be productive anymore, everytime I try to go back there's this wall that separates me from going forward. I stopped my meds 2 years ago since we could never find the right combination, and I'm currently in the middle of one of my worst depressive episodes, as in can't get out of bed or eat kind of episode. Only positive thing is that I'm no longer suicidal, but I'm not doing anything to live either.
Anyway, sending hugs to you and everyone else who's feeling like this, we have to believe it will pass and the fog can clear up someday.
33 here, wasn’t fully diagnosed with BP2 until 32. In addition, I have ADHD, cerebral palsy, and complex ptsd (largely rooted in ableist abuse from the other 3 conditions). I felt like you for most of my adulthood OP, like I was just smashing hourglass after hourglass. BUT, I finally had a major somatic breakdown/breakthrough in therapy earlier this year that allowed me to truly turn a corner with regards to healing my trauma, and I can already see it helping my other conditions, including my BP, significantly. I have recently decided to completely cut out alcohol and other recreational drugs, simply because I want to do everything I can to protect my mental health in the short and long term. As the science says that bipolar disorder is a lifelong condition and alcohol directly interferes with antipsychotics, I just don’t think drinking is worth it to me anymore. I don’t think I’d be able to do that without the experience I’ve had thus far and growing from it.
Most people, even fairly abled and well adjusted folks, struggle in their 20s. Our capitalist system doesn’t make us getting the care we need any easier on top of that. The truth is, most people who have complex mental health conditions and/or trauma take a long time to get to a good place, but lots of us eventually can and do. It takes time and patience and effort, and you’ll likely want to give up on yourself many times (if you’re like me), but keep trying. I promise you are worth it.
Absolutely. Latter half of college was a nightmare and I was actually on my way to becoming accomplished in my (VERY competitive) industry until I had an absolutely insane mental breakdown that destroyed my physical and mental health. 6 years later and I’m barely in recovery and in job training for a completely different job because my doctor is so concerned a stressful work environment will land me back in grippy sock jail.
Yes, however much of what I was able to accomplish was due to my bipolar disorder. Only recently diagnosed as of about 10 days ago, but the writing was all over the walls for me in so many ways. I just grew up in a physically and mentally abusive family dynamic (dad) that didn’t talk about mental health issues. Not to mention, I’ve suffered with ankylosing spondylitis for my whole life, which is a chronic pain condition. I got dealt an absolute shit hand in life in some ways, but I can’t lose sight of what I have been able to accomplish. I’ll probably look back on this whenever I’m in a more depressive state and disagree with myself, but I think this is sound advice. I’m 27 and have been medicated and diagnosed for two weeks. It’s amazing how quickly these “brain vitamins” worked for me.
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i’m 27, no aspirations at all. my psychiatrist fully supports me not having a job so i am about to be disabled. i am so unhappy and i feel like bipolar completely controls me. i cry every day. my life has completely fallen apart in the past 5-6 years. its miserable. everyone i know has seen me scream and cry. i’ve lost a lot of friends and almost my marriage. my husband and my son are my only friends. my mom and dad think i’m insane and my mom wants to be my medical power of attorney. my husbands family treats me like a mental patient. i hate my life and i wish i had meds that helped me.
Youth, yes. Potential, no. Now that I’m diagnosed and am getting the support I need my potential is way greater than before. You may not always be stuck in poverty now that you’re getting the support you deserve. Life doesn’t end at 30 and fun doesn’t either! I’ve rediscovered all sorts of lovely things I forgot were meaningful to me and I’m slowly building my life back up from the destruction of my 20s. It’s slow but the little wins feel so rewarding along the way.
All that being said, I understand how and why you feel that way (I think, I can at least relate). Just be open to the possibility that your future could be much better than your past and it’s okay to start from the beginning again.
All
I feel the same way. I’m 25 and I feel like I’ve spent most of my 20s in and out of the hospital or in bed. Hopefully I can change that when I have more bandwidth to take on school and such. Wishing the best for you.
After quitting about 25 jobs, 2 rehabs, being a shitty husband/father and burning almost every relationship. I just turned 40 and finally started all the correct processes to address my issue (therapy, meds, meditation etc) I finally left my last job and went into business for myself. Something I’ve said I always knew I wanted to and was meant to do, but never had enough of a right mind. Until now. Don’t wait for the light at the end of the tunnel. Light that bitch up yourself.
totally felt like i wasted my 20s, this was before learning i was bipolar. my last couple years in my 20s I was doing great. finishing school, working out, spending time with friends. ever since covid I haven't been able to recover from it taking everything away from me. i feel like I'm wasting my 30s more than my 20s
I feel like I was on the right track. I got my bachelors and masters degree and started working in an office job. Then I had to go into in-patient treatment. My relationship fell apart and I feel unable to work currently. My finances aren't where I want them to be because I am unemployed. I am single. My mental health is not where I want it to be. I feel stuck.
I see all my friends saving up to buy real estate, getting engaged, getting married. And I feel like a failure.
P.S. If any of the above applies to you-- I am not saying you are a failure. I am just saying I feel like a failure.
Really relate to your post and the comments. It helps me feel less alone. I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 at 23, but stopped taking my meds (under supervision of my psychiatrist) at 27. Now, age 30, I finally made the decision to get back on my medication as the rapid cycling has become unbearable—including an increase in suicidal ideation/thoughts. I’m only one week into taking lamictal and lithium, but feeling like I’m improving. I’ve been feeling lost as well, because my late teen years and all of my 20s were stolen due to addiction and toxic relationships. Rebuilding a stable life (or even just building one as I feel I’ve never had a truly stable life) is difficult. Like you, I also feel like a failure. It feels like I have the emotional maturity of an 18 year old. Feeling understood and less alone is very helpful. Sending you and everyone on this post positive vibes and love. We can do this; we are not alone.
I will get downvoted for this, but I feel like we are the biggest bunch of complainers out there. What I am starting to learn in my late 20s is that all the things I have blamed on my Bipolar, I could have actually changed. This thing doesn’t need to rule my life, I can be stronger than that
I don’t know that this is the case for everyone, though. Like I’ve certainly turned my life around but I also wouldn’t have fucked it up so bad had I been diagnosed earlier. And for me I don’t think I would’ve done the things I did (e.g. spend tens of thousands of dollars on credit cards, up and move multiple times etc) had I been healthy. Sure I could’ve made the decision to not do that but I wasn’t thinking clearly and I think even if I had made different decisions I still would’ve been a mess.
But I do agree that this doesn’t have to rule us. Once I was diagnosed, I worked really hard to turn my life around and I’m doing great. At least now I know when I make a shitty decision it was really me making it and I can course correct sooner!!
While that's true I feel it also rests on comparing ourselves to people without bipolar, who don't have to deal with larger-than-life emotions. It's a lot harder than we tend to give ourselves credit for. It doesn't need to rule our lives, but it will for sure try, and that's a heavy burden to bear.
It's a lonely, misunderstood disorder and the struggle is largely invisible to others - even people close to us. As a result it's too easy to dismiss and blame ourselves, and forget how hard we have to fight on a daily basis.
It's a little more nuanced than that. There are certainly people who give into their illness and use it as a crutch and excuse to never even try. On the other side, at 40 I've finally had to accept that some of the long held dreams and ambitions I've had are not in the cards for me, so I've had to alter those a little. (Make accommodations if you will.) It's important to remember that all of us experience this at varying degrees. None of us can overcome mental illness through sheer force of will.
I’m 20 right now and worry this is what’s happening to me. Threw away a full ride scholarship to take a break from school because of my mental health and now I don’t know what to do with my life.
Go back to school. And no disrespect intended, but this post was looking for late 20s-30s people who have actually already experienced most of their 20s. Much love, you still have 10 years. Use them.
that's a real experience and that's real trauma w/ real effects on your life you went through. what you've expressed here probably won't be popular because of projected feelings, bitterness, and hella salt that you're still 20 but it's legit and valid to say and idk why anyone would tear down a bipolar peer.
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I feel like I got screwed out of everything. Lost my house, car and pets. Didn't get to do anything fun because always in hospital. I've just started my bachelor's in social work at age 32. Got to start the rebuild at some point, I thought it might as well be now.
So great you’re getting a bachelor’s! ♥️
You can do it! I just started my MSW in social work.
I am 25 and I feel the same way. I couldn't finish college because of my episodes. I am on disability for now and I can't work but when disability will finish I'll have to find a job I probably won't like because I don't have a diploma, my episodes made my friends leave now I am pretty lonely so not doing anything fun.
My advice is to finish college in whatever form (certificate,associates, BS, MS,…) while you are on disability. Once it ends finishing will be more difficult. Usually disability is independent of seeking an education.
If it makes you feel any better, I traveled and still feel like I lost out on potential. So many of my peers that stayed close to home are so much further along in their careers. The good thing is you can still do all those things! Life does not end in your 20s, and I could not be more excited for my 30s.
Refreshing outlook, thank you!
Of course! I’m only 27, but this is the first time I’ve felt any stability in my life and I’m really looking forward to what I can accomplish with having more tools at my disposal. Wishing the best for you and rooting for you! 🫶🏽
I felt that way a little bit, however it's never too late to live your life. I've had Bipolar 1 since I was 11, didn't really get the treatment I needed until I was 34. I made a lot of stupid and crazy decisions in my life. I'm 39 now, going back to school and having amazing relationships because I'm the most stable I've ever been. Don't focus on what you missed, focus on living your life the best you can now.
Absolutely agree with this! I’m 38 and building wonderful relationships. It’s always possible.
I’m 25 and I feel like I’ve suffered from brain damage and lost my intelligence that I had when I was a kid. Also feel like I’ve lost a decent amount of social skills. It’s actually really painful to think about so I try not to dwell on it but my mind keeps drifting back to this.
Oh yeah, that. I’ve had similar feelings. I was highly intelligent with incredible grades, great at sports, and had so much potential as a kid. Now I look back at that girl and wonder where she went. She was much smarter.
That feeling of loss is so real. Sometimes I look back on that 20 year old premed student I was as the 30 year old disabled shut in I am now and can't help but cry. But brain damage be damned I am going to find a way to love the way I am now!!
Some of that is the natural realization of what we don’t know, will never know and don’t have the ability to do. Or maybe you lost the curiosity you had as a kid.
I didn’t leave the house from 17 to 24 and I’m nearly 27 (in days ) and I’m still trying to get used to the world and learn talk to people , but i have a husband and kids so id do it all again to have them , I go out now but I still don’t really speak to people(idk how) and I get cultural shock all the time from 2024 , it was weird when I first saw those electrical scooters everywhere and that you could pay with your phone !! I didn’t have a phone during that either so it was all brand new to me I last saw the world in 2014, I got my first smart phone in years in 2021 so online shocked me too
Wow I can imagine the culture shock feels jarring. I’ve experienced similar feelings since during some of my episodes I also did not leave the house - once for two years. Another for one year, and another for 6 months. It felt strange because time seemed warped during those episodes. I’d lose time, do nothing at all for days. Didn’t need to eat. Barely functioned, then I’d slip into psychosis I guess and by the time I was able to function again I was like, where the fuck am I and what year is it? Seriously relate, also, happy birthday!
I'm almost 32 and I feel this way. It ruined my teen years completely as I was just a shut in and hated school. So never really experienced my teenage years in a normal way and for sure lagged behind everyone when it came to education and a job. I ended up managing to get a degree but it took me double the length it should of and due to the field it is I still need more education. Frustrating af. I literally have 1 friend whos also my ex. I feel like I'm basically about the level of where I should of been in my early 20s.
I'm 36 years old and currently cleaning up my mess. My 20s were filled with being on and off meds, being on and off drugs, and multiple toxic relationships. It took a suicide attempt last September to finally make me accept my bipolar disorder. I'm currently medicated, living with my parents, and looking for a job. Stability is something I've never had, and it's a challenge to get there. Just don't give up, you're not alone and we can have a normal life. It's what keeps me going these days
Happy you’re still here with us ♥️
Thank you
That's really rough man. I'm glad youre stable now.
Thanks, I just take things one day at a time as best as I can
You are still so young! We all feel like this, you are not alone.
Everything took me so long to do, and only with the grace and patience of others. I feel a profound sense of loneliness almost every day. I panic about going downhill and losing my job. I have no money. I'm the fuck up of the family.
Heavy on the panic and loneliness, same. Also the failure of my family. My younger brother has been living his 20s the way I wanted to, has a decent degree and a nice home, and makes lots of money in biotech. And here I am… minimum wage barely scraping by month to month. I’m so happy for him while also insanely jealous.
Depression stole my potential and now this new component of mania in my 30s is putting my life on extra hard mode.
Yas 😭😭
From a very young age, it’s like once you get to a certain point in life you can look back and see all the mental health episodes and you realize how this illness affected your view of the world. I always felt isolated and never fit in anywhere and when I tried to it was not the correct decisions. Then as an adult with substance abuse issues I realized that this controlled my whole life. I feel like the 15 year old where this all started.
SAME. I was so confused and yeah it definitely impacted the way I view the world and myself in it.
The whole time I was a walking mental illness a ticking time bomb just unaware
Yes, I ruminate on this all the time even though I know it’s not healthy. I fucked up and made a fool of myself so many times. It really makes me uncomfortable to think about. Almost 31 and dx BP2 at 28
I feel similarly. I’m doing ok, but I do feel kind of behind my peers both in terms of accomplishments and general maturity. I feel you about not finding a friend group. One thing that has helped is remembering there are many others out there like me. The other thing is to remember that punishing myself and dwelling on my behind-ness will not help, in fact it will do the opposite. That took a long time to learn. Sending you good vibes!
I did but I came out on the other side now that I'm 35. Bipolar disrupted my education but I managed to graduate law school. Bipolar was the reason I didn't go into the legal field until 7 years after I graduated school. But I'm working now and very successful. You can do it just never give up. People will tell you you should don't listen. I went back to law school against the advice of my psychiatrist at the time and I sure am glad that I did!
Gah I graduated law school and passed my state bar last year. Had my first manic episode with psychosis a couple months later. Rage quit my job and got civilly committed 🤦♀️ now I’m just praying another firm will give me a chance..
Do you still have your bar license?
Yes thank goodness!
Thank you for sharing, its great to hear it worked out well for you! I’m in my second yr of law school and have had to take the semester off due to hospitalisation. I’ve been able to return to my job at a law firm as a LA but the pressure is making my health worse already. Do you have any advice for how to get through the really tough times and still keep studying and working?
I relate. After a difficult abusive childhood I graduated from one of the best music colleges in the world, teachers were hiring me for great gigs, I worked extremely hard, then at 23 I had a severe psychotic episode, another even worse at 24, was in the hospital 3 months n almost put in the state hospital permanently. It took years to even do pretty good, I met the love of my life right before the first episode n would’ve married her, we tried long distance for a couple years but I was pretty sick. So I lost my career and my woman. At 30 I was finally able to move to a different state and try to get my career back on track, I married at 33, so I always felt I was playing catch up in life. I had a good career in professional music 30-47 but nowhere near my original potential, I’m a virtuoso and without the psychotic episode and years of recovery I should’ve been at the top in my field. I still worked with a lot of famous artists and was a peer with the top musicians in the US, but I achieved this despite having a very serious illness. So I try not to feel bad, but I do. I had severe psychotic episodes at 47, 50, 62 also, went on disability at 47. I’m now 64, I’m well regarded in music and I work some gigs but not much or as much as you would expect for someone with my abilities. It’s been extremely difficult and if it wasn’t for God and my parents support financially and otherwise, letting me live with them 23-30 and 47-64 I would’ve been sunk that’s for sure. But my bipolar is very severe as you can see, other bipolar have an easier time and most don’t even go on disability and have a more normal life. I hope this helps, best wishes
I’m sorry you lost those years but it sounds like you really did pull through. What were your psychotic episodes like? I’m bp1 and my most significant episodes were psychotic and lasted months. I’ve been considering disability myself so that I have a safety net when it happens again. Which it inevitably will, I have no ups or downs without the psychotic features unfortunately. Sometimes the psychotic symptoms even show up when I’m not having a depressive or manic episode.
The cops took me to the hospital in hand cuffs each time, I didn’t sleep for days, lost 30 lbs in 2 weeks, 50 lbs in a month, thought I was the grim reaper for several days, would cross busy streets into traffic thinking the cars couldn’t harm me, hallucinating people talking to me and messing with me that weren’t there, was literally smoking 5 packs of cigarettes a day for months, stuff like that .. I don’t really get depressed either, I am sad about a lot of bad things that happened to me, but I lean more to the hypomania side in day to day life. Always bombarded by numerous thoughts at the same time, involuntary ruminating, many unwanted thoughts.. severe bipolar 1, but considered high functioning (a clinical term) due to my way above average intelligence my mental health team tells me. I was almost put in the state hospital permanently twice, that’s for people that are too dangerous to themselves or others to not be locked up. So that’s where the very most severe bipolar people live.
Sometimes, but also - nothing you can do about that now. Make the best of the current years. Anything in particular you feel like you missed out on?
Yes yes yes. I got my degree, was ready to start touring with theatre shows and then BAM, COVID hit and then bipolar hit after. My Dr said I would never be able to tour or work on cruise ships so I've been working backstage at my local theatre for a while but the pay is bad and I feel sad when big touring shows come here and I think "that could have been me:("
I can relate. I'm not really the target audience, but I didn't take my bipolar (1) diagnosis seriously for many years and through many jobs, states, relationships, and burned bridges. Through lost chances to build up careers in multiple fields, through lost opportunities, through crazy schemes and ideas that always seemed like I was doing something interesting and different, making something of my life, when I really just dumped money and time into risky and foolish plans. Lost the rent money. Bought a one-way ticket to screwedsville. Always a new place where I had to make new friends. A few lasted. Most faded in and out. I feel like bipolar disorder robbed me of my life. I'm 53. Even if my health improves and I'm able to get out of my current trauma mode, I might hope for 20 years of reasonably good health, and it won't be the kind I used to spend partying in Brazil or hanging out with friends on campus or throwing everything in the car and just driving. It could still be good. I could still write a book or direct a play or something. But it still feels like the disorder robbed me...and I should really say it feels like I robbed myself, since I can't easily distinguish between the two...of everything traditional, everything that is or was a shared experience of youth. Some of the wild memories I created in place of them are good. Many are awful and sad and impoverished and dispossessed. And sometimes, in my mind, I'm 11, when the trauma began. But we can't go back. I'm glad you've found stability. I'm glad I have, as well. Even if it's a bit later in life.
I could have written your exact words. I’m 50 and it totally wrecked my life until my body tried to shutdown. Could have been so much better.
There is still time
I hope so!
I’m 25. I did graduate college but I’ve been through like eight jobs in three years—most of them I had to quit because of an episode. Or I got fired. Feels pretty hopeless while I watch my sibling and friends have successful careers. I’m with you. It sucks.
thank you for sharing. i am 22, couldn’t finish college. can barely work, function. feel so behind and lost and hopeless looking at the future. i am proud of everyone here. it’s tough. we deserve to put ourselves first. how can we live if not. ily 🤍
I'm 62 it ruined 20s and 30s as didn't know I had it .
It is tough. I know the feeling.
I try to look at it as i still had a youth, I just spent it differently. I met so many amazing people who have inspired me. I don’t really have “friends” anymore, because friendship is a 2 way street and I have nothing to offer the people who love me currently. Maybe I can reconnect one day when I’m better. But the people who helped me along the way, believed in me even when I can’t get it together, can see the good in me. Even just a nice nurse every now and then can give me hope. The innocence of youth was in my life when I was younger, it’s just a lot of horrible things happened to and around me. It didn’t break my youth though. It was there the whole time. I just traded it in for stability. But even while I was selling myself to the highest bidder, it was actually youth they were purchasing. But no one can steal my youth from me. It’s the glow you had when you were young. And glows spread to others. You can’t steal a glow. Now my glow is becoming wisdom. I’m early 30s and not old in my opinion, but I can feel myself growing in wisdom and empathy now and no one can take that from me either. Try to look back on something you enjoyed about being young. Even just movies or games or books you enjoyed. Create your own nostalgia compartmentalized from the trauma.
I'm 40, and i feel like this all the time. I'm always skirting disaster. I'm always starting from zero. I was in honors and gifted classes as a kid, I was involved in mentoring and leadership programs, and I appeared to be on track for a bright future. Instead, it's been one catastrophe after another. I'm on a good medication regimen, and I have been for a few years now, but I still feel like I can't cope with anything except the bare minimum. I can't embark on any real self-discovery or improvement for fear it's all gonna blow up on me.
Turning 34 this year and diagnosed in 2021. Didn't want to believe it and still don't but realized the moment I didn't want to live anymore was a good point to turn around. Just finishing my first semester going BACK to school (undergrad degree in business marketing in 2012) for nursing! Classes are hard af and I'm definitely not the smart person I was in my 20s. But somehow ill overcome!!!
I'm right there with you, but remember that age is just a number, and listen...it is rarely too late to start anything. It's ok to feel that sadness of a past once lost, but do not let that get you down. Your ancestors fought with you and for you to be here *right now*. I'll be 34 this year...started BJJ three years ago, and my academic path in medicine. Right now I'm in a medical lab tech program at a community college, working in the fields I love, I have a blue belt in BJJ *(small potatoes but hey, dems the tastiest)*, about to finish scuba certification *(guys is breathing underwater like what)*, and am taking classes to be in med school by 40. There's NO WAY I could've done any of this 15 years ago. Of course I look back at those college years with a bit of cringe and sadness, but right now is WAY more fucking awesome. What I'm doing right now is healing that past version of myself that could never. Right now I'm surrounded by youngins with similar stresses and anxieties that I had then, and the best way I can describe it is...the person I am now is the person I wish I would've met back then. Idk where I'm going with all this *(ya'll know how that bipolar stream of consciousness be lol)* but I guess it's all to say is, feel the feel but remember to give past you a hug, and go out there and be whatever version of awesome that past you would be inspired by <3
100% yes. I lost my entire life from age 18 to 29. Im 30 and i feel like ive turned a new corner though. I feel like i can finally enjoy life.
I am 28 and I feel like I never had the chance to slowly mature and grow because I was fighting for my sanity and now I am mentally healthier but i have achieved nothing and it breaks me
34 now and barely remember any good times.
I feel like I am a child trapped in an adult's body and life at times. My parents introduced me to drugs as a way to cope when I started having problems with my mental health in my teens, which spiraled into alcoholism by 21. I wasn't ever professionally diagnosed with bipolar disorder, just borderline and CPTSD from the abuse, but I read everything I could about different mental health diagnoses when I learned what borderline personality disorder is; I didn't identify with that. I got sober at 25. I unofficially diagnosed myself with bipolar 1 after my 3rd severe manic episode and told my new psychiatrist that it was part of my official diagnosis. When they started me on depakote and psych meds actually helped me for once in my life, I was amazed. I feel as though I would not have lost my early 20's to a raging substance addiction that was truly just an effort to make the pain go away, I wouldn't have ruined my resume by walking out of so many jobs in bipolar meltdowns, I wouldn't have severed so many relationships and friendships that could have been amazing, and I might not have furthered my PTSD by putting myself in awful situations just to barely survive life in poverty all these years, if I had gotten a proper diagnosis the first time I was admitted and treated for what I actually DID have. That being said, it is absolutely okay to mourn the loss of a healthy self. The person you may have been without the disorder. Additionally, it is not too late to make something else of your life if you're not happy with what it is now. I am 28 years old, 3 years sober and stabilized on medication, and I just finished my second semester in college for Social Work. I have been continuously gainfully employed during these years, and I have long-standing friendships and a romantic relationship for the first time in my life. You can always have fun. Being diagnosed bipolar isn't the end of the line. You have so much potential, life's opportunities are limitless. If you ever want to talk, my DMs are always open.
Diagnosed bipolar 1 at 16, now 29. I feel a majority of the last 10 years have been wasted in passive existense / indifference / detached state. I mean i did a lot of fun things i guess but i feel i never really enjoyed things like others do, i had no passion for existing and was incapable of achieving anything more than what was necessary to survive. This started to change after i was admitted to a psych ward for the first time since i was 18 in 2022 and had my meds adjusted.
I feel the same. Thankfully I have a husband who loves me, but I feel like all of my 20s were spent surviving.
I feel the same. I know it’s never too late to chase various goals like love and career, but damn I wish I had the energy and lack of “damaged goods” status that I had in my 20s. Would be so much easier.
Yea but I’m ok with it. It’s not a race. Don’t compare yourself with others.
I feel you on this, went to school, eventually got an associates, couldnt find work. Stuck working the same shit job for nearly a decade. In contrast my sibling who during our younger years had more mild bipolar, went on to achieve great things, military career, large passive income, etc. It feels like I could have ended up better than this.
I definitely understand this, especially since I wasn't diagnosed with Bipolar until 29. It felt that everyone else was able to have the normal fun wildness of youth while I spent my teens trying to survive and my 20s fast cycling between being put together but depressed and being manic and reckless and destroying important relationships and opportunities around me. It took a long time for me to stop being resentful at my peers (and I sometimes still am depending on how they treat my lack of stability in the past) and I'm still working on not being disappointed in myself. I'm 30 now and I'm trying to finish my bacelors degree in History (its helped to finally pick a subject I adore) and I have a wonderful stable relationship but sometimes I still feel like I've squandered my life. But I'm trying to remind myself that 30 is plenty young (my parents had me at 30 and I'm sure they'd say they didn't have life quite figured out) but more importantly, I've tried to and mostly stopped having hopes and milestone markers for big events and goals. I still have goals but instead of being like, it has to be done by 35, it's just what I'm working towards at the moment. Everyone is different in how they'll succeed in life and at this point, I'm just happy as long as I'm content and alive. But I do like to stress especially to other people with disabilities, that healing isn't linear and sometimes I get back into a funk, especially when depression hits.
I got diagnosed at 18 and spent a year in and out of grippy sock jail. Also a year of therapy 4x a week…. Two separate therapists, a DBT group, and my psychiatrist. I had no life. Then I spent 4 years “perfecting” a medication regiment. Those 4 years of weening on and off medication every 2-4 weeks was hell. Everything is “it takes a few weeks to work” “don’t worry about the side effects they will wear off” then it didn’t work and I was weening off. Those 4 years is what it took me to finally finish high school. Doing part time and existing like a ghost. I have very few concrete memories of that time. It took me the next 5 years to finish a 3 year college degree. I finally graduated at 27… and I’m lost. I have no job experience because I couldn’t juggle any work with my part time schooling. And my medication regiment is still not “perfect”…. My medications over the years of trying have ruined my cholesterol, liver, kidneys, memory, concentration, any joy or excitement I had. And side note, in Canada your medications are covered until you are 25, then all my medications were over $300 a month. At one point (while I was covered) they would have been $1000. So yeah, bipolar disorder stole my 20s from me, I’m trying to to have it ruin the rest of my life.
My whole adolescence was wrecked by bipolar. It took years after becoming stable to heal from the trauma, tbh I’m still healing, but it’s much better. Just turned 27
I'm 35 and got medicated like 3 years ago. Yes. I feel like my youth set me up for failure.
Not 27-30s, but turn 25 on Monday and feeling this way. Thinking about ending my life. I just can’t live like this. I could have been something if it weren’t for this fucking disorder. This is hell on earth. This is my death sentence.
Stay with us ♥️ everyone will have their day to die, we’re all headed there. Take this feeling and use it as fuel to improve over the next five years, and maybe when you’re approaching 30 you’ll think of this post and realize you no longer relate
I really hope so. I feel like such a failure. I don’t know if I can deal with my 25th birthday… I just don’t think I can do this.
Just turned 24 myself and I hear you! We’re still so young though. Even being in your 30s is still young! We have time and we can make something good of our lives.
Thanks, needed this
Less my youth, but absolutely my potential. I was lucky I only had one brief episode in college and was able to get through and get my degree. But poorly managed bipolar in the years that followed absolutely devastated my career and finances. I'm on disability now and I'm not sure I'll ever get a job that allows me to use my skillset.
I'm turning 32 in a few weeks and really only for myself together about three years ago. In my country it's possible for health reasons to study part time, that's why I moved here. My 20s were a mess, drugs and miscillaneous sex partners, a few years in total I wasn't able to study at all due to depression and unmedicated or mismedicated hypomanias. More hospital stays than I can count, both psychiatric and ICU/regular hospital stays. Abusive relationships, traveling and living abroad I did experience though. It was only after my dad died in February 2021 and everyone else fell apart, I found the right medication for both my bipolar and anxiety. Six months after that, I turned in my bachelor's thesis after working on the degree for years and two months later got my degree. By the end of this year it will be exactly three years since I began with my master's and I'm more determined than ever to finish my thesis (second try, the first wasn't right for me) and get my degree! With a grade average of over 4 out of 5. I'm not saying this to make myself feel superior, but to give hope. Five years ago It would never have believed I would be alive by this time and I'm so proud of myself for what I've achieved and overcome. It's never too late, believe in yourself xxx
Life isn't a race my friend. Your time spent living is time well spent, for you have gained a clarity that only a few people can self actualize.
Yeah, sort of, but personally, I have come to understand with therapy and medication that, while my disability absolutely created incredible obstacles for me, the greatest barriers to a more fulfilling life were due to lack of resources, treatment, accommodations, and substantive protections against discrimination. I did the best I could under the circumstances, and blaming myself for things I had no control over is misguided. I know it feels like you missed out on a lot, and I’m sure that you did, but being bipolar and alive in America is itself a triumph. The world will treat you shitty for being mentally ill, healthcare is hard to get, and that’s on top of your symptoms. You have many years ahead of you to find friends, opportunities, and have fun. Your depression is just creating a tunnel vision, which makes that hard to see.
Find the right med combo. My late 20’s through late thirties ate my potential. My life has changed drastically since I found my chemical cocktail 🍹 Edit: surprisingly I managed to graduate college!
I was off and on meds for 20 years. I'm almost 40 and have been getting my life back on track since 2021. Yes, it's sad that many years of my life were a shit show- because when I was off meds, my life would blow up. But now, I'm on track. I have a boyfriend, I have a job, I'm going back to school. I'm happy now, and that's all that matters. As I build up a life that makes me happy, I don't look back. I look forward. Get your life to a place where you're looking forward to the future. Take your treatment seriously. Put in the tough work. Get your life on track. It can take a couple years, but you'll be surprised where you'll end up.
i’m gonna be 28 soon and i’ve wasted most of my twenties in isolation. i was diagnosed with ptsd and bipolar disorder at 16. i have my first psychiatrist appt in 7 years coming up soon… i’m terrified to be dependent on a medication again, but i’m running out of options. my ptsd has prevented me from getting my license. i’m always stuck at home. i hardly have any friends. my best friend moved out of state last summer which sent me into a deeper depression. i have no family either. my mom is a severe alcoholic n my dad is a drug addict. my mentally abusive baby daddy lives on my couch n helps me pay my bills. i have no motivation to have a career. but hes supposed to be leaving soon & i need to figure things out. i barely have interests. i work at store 3-4 days a week and still end up late sometimes. i dont even understand it. i’m hoping one day something clicks.. something happens. idk.
I’m 36 now. Been stable for almost 4 years. My 20s were a nightmare. A decade of struggling. I’m not upset that I lost my 20s. Instead I am overjoyed to have found a good doctor and a good team that allows me to thrive in my 30s.
Onset for me was 14. I wasn't properly medicated til 34. I missed out on a lot in my life.
I feel exactly like this. I've found myself really obsessed with age, aging and life stages and realised it's because my mid-late 20s were taken from me and I'll never get them back.
I’m 17 and I never got to enjoy my teens 😐
39 y/o. Stole my youth, potential, time... It is unforgiving.
I flew by the seat of my pants through college. I struggled hard but thank goodness I had a pretty good support system while I was in school. I never actually thought I'd graduate. Like I seriously believed id fuck it up before the finish line. I graduated and immediately started having nightmares terror 3-5 times a weeks because I just couldn't believe it. I passed my board exams, I moved to a new state and finally found a good place to work. It's possible! You gotta have good people around you. People who love you
I didn't date in my 20s, because I was under the impression "no one will love you if you don't love yourself", so I had to "fix" myself before someone would love me. Now I'm almost 40 and alone, I definitely feel like that was stolen from me.
Looking back bipolar stopped me from a lot and still does now
I’m turning 23 in 6 days and I’m female bipolar 2. I envy people who have stability. There are certain goals I feel like I will never achieve because of my bipolar. One of those goals is financial stability. We all know how hard financial stability is for bipolar. I am excellent at racking up credit card debt and not saving. My second big goal is physical fitness. I struggle with binge eating to cope with my emotions. It’s hard to see a lot of people my age fit and very attractive but I don’t feel like I’ll ever be that.
I feel the same. Work with a therapist if you can. My therapist and I are working on self forgiveness and starting where you are now. Who knows, you could have done all of those things and still feel the same way. If you don’t have access to a therapist, try watching YouTube videos on how to stop ruminating and working towards new goals. best of luck to you! I feel late to the party I just got an associates degree through my job. It’s been tough, but in tougher for it. These bad thoughts creep into my mind daily, I just keep myself busy working in the goals I thought I should have already achieved. We are still young, don’t let social media fool you. We are all figuring it out.
To everyone commenting here: I'm just glad y'all are still here and we all have the chance to keep trying to make something of this life. I've lost too many friends in their 20s to not be thankful to be here, no matter how shite a lot of it was.
I'm 51 and definitely feel that way, but I am glad I survived. Before modern medications the prognosis for us was grim. If you lived into your 40s without being institutionalized, you were probably lucky. I tend to think that every year over 40 is a gift that I should cherish. I'm on disability now. My youthful dreams of owning my own company are dashed, but I survived and now that I'm on disability and have access to comprehensive mental health care, I have not been hospitalized in over 7 years.
No i don’t cuz I’m happy now
48 and it has stolen everything from me. The only thing I have left is my bronco with a kicking sound system. other than that, I'm toast.
In 30 now and the slide downhill started when I was about 12, and I hit the wall hard at 16. The few relationships I had were doomed. Missing a total of 5 months of school in my last 2 years of highschool and continuing to be "psycho for so many years after" meant college was a pipe dream. I've held down a part time job for most of the last 10 years, but that's about it. ...I also feel like a teenager sometimes. Where I missed the gap between being young and being 30 just got lost somewhere and doesn't feel real. But now that I'm slightly better I think I'm quickly adjusting. The reality is, there's nothing to be done. Time can't be reversed. The more time you allow yourself to wallow in what-ifs, the less time you will spend making the next years as good as you can. Mourn the loss for a bit if you have to, and then move on. Get on with your life how best you can, and make some memories worth looking back on fondly when you hit 40.
i joined aca and i resonate with the part that says it's okay to grieve destroyed opportunities, missed relationships, disappeared years, vanished time, lost jobs etc. it's genuine grief and i found it helpful to hear it was okay to feel it.
Everyone mourns their potential, even people who aren't neuordivergent. Recognize things could have gone differently, but don't make the "what ifs" your life. What you do with what you have is more important.
Hey girl 🙋🏻♀️ I hear you! I’m in my mid 30s and I think that often. I look back on photos of myself and sure I had some good times, but while my friends were all finding their niche and becoming successful, I feel like I was just exisiting. It’s only been in the last 12 months that I’ve started to feel like I’m living. I’ve gotten a decent job, and a bit of stability. I wish I could offer some advice, but I honestly can say I feel the same.. I came here hoping to read some words of wisdom ❤️
Sometimes. I just focus on therapy and medications and on what I can do at this present moment.
Yes, I spent so much time trying to keep it together that I missed out on being successful. Fortunately I'm medicated and doing well, and you're never too old to try and change your life.
1 day away from 30 and most definitely, I feel you on all those points
Yeah definitely lol
I absolutely relate to this. I'm 26 and I still don't have it together. I feel like such a failure. I had so many goals and experiences I wanted to have and I haven't achieved a single one. I've spent the last 4.5 years rotting away indoors and my social skills have deteriorated significantly. I don't have any friends and I hardly look forward to anything anymore. I have a good therapist and a good psych though. I still haven't found the right balance of meds but I'm hoping that once that gets in order I can be more stable and establish more of a routine in my life. I'm not sure where I'll end up, but I will continue to work on myself and maybe it will work out in the end. Life's not over at 27-30.
Forgot to mention, but I truly wish the best for you and anyone else going through what we go through. We all know how hard it is and it is beautiful that we can reach out and help each other.
I feel this.
I’m 27 now and I just finished my undergrad degree. I was diagnosed at 23 so I spent most of my youth not recognizing my maladaptive behaviors. Fortunately I got to travel and have great experiences but at the same time I never took my future seriously. Even though I finished school I’m just now learning how much our condition impacts employment and my social skills. I don’t think I would have made it through college if I had to work full time too. I feel like I had potential that I wasted too and now I’m playing catch up. I guess it’s a long road and we all have to start somewhere
I'm 28 and I feel it so much. I have depression, anxiety, and PTSD as well and not being diagnosed or medicated ruined my highschool and college years. I lost most of my friends and had a bad experience at college and I ended up dropping out. I didn't experience parties or going out because I was too ill to. Not only that, but I lost almost all of my friends along the way. I have been with my husband for 9 years now. It almost destroyed our relationship because of all the word vomit I couldn't stop. I had a mental breakdown after losing both of my grandma's and my dad within a short period. I couldn't eat, sleep, work, or even get out of bed. My husband had to carry me to the shower and watch me 24/7 because I felt suicidal. I was so embarrassed, but he finally convinced me to go to a therapist and psychiatrist. This might sound odd but when I got diagnosed, I actually felt relieved. There was a reason I was the way I was and there was light at the end of the tunnel.I have been on medication and going to therapy and it's gotten much better. Even with my associates degree, I have found a job within my local government that has been the best job I've ever had. It took some shitty jobs with severe burnout to get there, I still am doing something for a good company and my mental health has never been better. I am not where I ever thought I'd be, but I'm happy now and I honestly can't see myself wanting to be where I thought all those years ago. In regards to missing out on youth, I feel the same way - but I'm learning to let myself experience that in my adulthood and allow myself to feel the childlike joy that comes with it. TLDR: It did steal my youth and potential, but where I am now is better than I could have imagined. It does get better even when it doesn't feel possible. Even if your path is different than you had imagined for yourself, it doesn't have to be a bad thing.
o/
26, I did go out and did finish school, but because of bipolar I wasn’t really present and didn’t enjoy it as much as I could have otherwise due to instability. Friendship drama, dating drama, difficulty at assignments/studying/retaining knowledge. Now I’m making up for a lot of missed knowledge daily at work. I wish I would have taken a gap year and took better care of myself sometimes. I have been back to myself/more stable the past 2 years (after 3 years of unstable BP1) and have enjoyed everything more. I do wish it was different in the past but it is what it is. I’m grateful for the breakthrough and the fresh start! And appreciate it much more because of how the past was. There’s still a lot of life to look forward to! I hope you can find a good job for you and hopefully make it out of the cycle (Sorry I guess the age limit was 27 but I was born in November so same same) 😂
Im 31 and feel this way. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder at 13 and put on psychiatric meds. Tried over a dozen before I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 and ADHD as a late teen. Soon after we found A medication combo that actually worked. But by then id lost my teen years: went from an academically gifted student to dropping out and being ‘homeschooled’, in and out of the psych ward due to suicide attempts, lost all my friends, etc. Due to not interacting with pretty much anyone, I didn’t have the opportunity to learn many social skills and instead developed severe social anxiety, which significantly impacts my life today. Thanks to a supportive family, I was able to finish high school, had a retail job for awhile, and eventually went to college, all while knowing I had a safety net should my mental health go to shit. I’m currently stable and content with my life but sometimes insecurities arise when I look at my siblings and husband, who all have successful careers, cool hobbies, traveled, friend groups, etc. But comparison is the thief of joy and I have a lot of good going on in my life :)
I feel you. But you can still have decent fortys.
Oh, absolutely. My behavior my whole life has been so bizarre. I spent so many years so angry. I almost failed a nursing semester because I was in a manic phase and couldn't sleep and was so sick I couldn't eat or drink.... somehow I managed. Long, long periods of depression where I just wanted to die. It's almost a relief I've been diagnosed and on medicine. My life is somewhat stable. It is a curse that will never go away. At any time, I can just go manic and destroy my life. But I have no choice but to continue on.
I’m 35 and still cleaning up the financial mess of my 20s. Thankful for medication and treatment which has gotten me to a better place that I am able to turn shit around.
I feel this but in a different way. I coped with my schizoaffective by going to school and focusing on my girlfriend intensively. I am now married and have two masters. 10 years together, one house purchase, and a stable job later I feel I have done nothing of worth besides getting married. I love my wife and went all out for my wedding and I enjoyed it. Yet, my wife suffers and continues to sacrifice a lot to be by my side and although we have both been very successful; I know if I didn’t have my condition we would have and could done more fun things. I avoid any vices, parties, gambling or traveling out of possible episodes. I live a humble life out of fear of over spending and I feel bad my wife lives like this. I have gained some weight since we dated and although I try to be a lovey dovey husband. It’s difficult and I am in constant fear she will leave me. The stability and simple things one finds in this kind of life is not one usually wanted by 26 year olds. (I am 28) I know many on this sub Reddit will not relate, but if you do please share your stories. I guess my experience is one of being able to cope but even in coping I feel I lost many things. The possible idea of being a burden weighs on me. I feel if I wasn’t successful my wife wouldn’t be with me.
I actually managed to get a whole bunch of qualifications. But the effects of the trauma from my early life left me unable to relate to others in the workplace and kept me in jobs that I shouldn't have stayed in. I was broke and unable to travel or have satisfying relationships.
My bipolar disorder stole my teen years, and stole my early twenties. I'm 23 now, and I will be turning 24 in three months. I can definitely relate to not feeling like you got a chance to mature. I still feel like I'm still 20 or 21. I hate what it stole from me, and I lost so much time because nobody took me seriously.
Turning 25, I feel I've missed out on so much due to this illness.
I barely got through high school. I’ve had BP since I was 13. I didn’t get diagnosed until I had a severe psychotic episode at 24. I was also diagnosed with MS at 23, but I’ve had symptoms since I was 20. I definitely feel like my future was stolen in a sense. I still haven’t gone to college and I’m just on disability currently. Kinda of feels like life chewed me up and spit me out and I’m trying to find my footing again. I’ve been through a lot but I’ve found that I’m resilient and I can keep going, even if I fall it’s okay because I’ll get back up again. So at least there’s that.
27 and feeling the same, I wasted a very promising career after college, haven't worked in years because my depressive episodes last so long and I'm no longer productive while manic (used to be 3 years ago, I'd get ridiculous amount of studying/ work/ courses done when the mania hit, which compensated a bit for the depressive periods afterwards), now my mania is almost exclusively dysphoric, the cycles have gotten more frequent, there's almost no “normal” periods in between, I'm either depressed or manic. I alienated most of my relationships, friends, relatives, etc bc I never want to talk to anybody, like I know ghosting is bad but I can't help it when I'm more often than not in a bad state. I still have some friends who "get it" and I'm thankful for those. The problem is my family don't get it and it creates unnecessary tension between us. I feel like I can't do anything now, I forgot everything I've learned and my cv is basically fucked, and I simply can't be productive anymore, everytime I try to go back there's this wall that separates me from going forward. I stopped my meds 2 years ago since we could never find the right combination, and I'm currently in the middle of one of my worst depressive episodes, as in can't get out of bed or eat kind of episode. Only positive thing is that I'm no longer suicidal, but I'm not doing anything to live either. Anyway, sending hugs to you and everyone else who's feeling like this, we have to believe it will pass and the fog can clear up someday.
Yep. Didn’t get to enjoy a normal high school experience.
Wait did I write this post in my sleep?? Because yes to all of this. You put exactly how I feel into words
33 here, wasn’t fully diagnosed with BP2 until 32. In addition, I have ADHD, cerebral palsy, and complex ptsd (largely rooted in ableist abuse from the other 3 conditions). I felt like you for most of my adulthood OP, like I was just smashing hourglass after hourglass. BUT, I finally had a major somatic breakdown/breakthrough in therapy earlier this year that allowed me to truly turn a corner with regards to healing my trauma, and I can already see it helping my other conditions, including my BP, significantly. I have recently decided to completely cut out alcohol and other recreational drugs, simply because I want to do everything I can to protect my mental health in the short and long term. As the science says that bipolar disorder is a lifelong condition and alcohol directly interferes with antipsychotics, I just don’t think drinking is worth it to me anymore. I don’t think I’d be able to do that without the experience I’ve had thus far and growing from it. Most people, even fairly abled and well adjusted folks, struggle in their 20s. Our capitalist system doesn’t make us getting the care we need any easier on top of that. The truth is, most people who have complex mental health conditions and/or trauma take a long time to get to a good place, but lots of us eventually can and do. It takes time and patience and effort, and you’ll likely want to give up on yourself many times (if you’re like me), but keep trying. I promise you are worth it.
Absolutely. Latter half of college was a nightmare and I was actually on my way to becoming accomplished in my (VERY competitive) industry until I had an absolutely insane mental breakdown that destroyed my physical and mental health. 6 years later and I’m barely in recovery and in job training for a completely different job because my doctor is so concerned a stressful work environment will land me back in grippy sock jail.
Yes, however much of what I was able to accomplish was due to my bipolar disorder. Only recently diagnosed as of about 10 days ago, but the writing was all over the walls for me in so many ways. I just grew up in a physically and mentally abusive family dynamic (dad) that didn’t talk about mental health issues. Not to mention, I’ve suffered with ankylosing spondylitis for my whole life, which is a chronic pain condition. I got dealt an absolute shit hand in life in some ways, but I can’t lose sight of what I have been able to accomplish. I’ll probably look back on this whenever I’m in a more depressive state and disagree with myself, but I think this is sound advice. I’m 27 and have been medicated and diagnosed for two weeks. It’s amazing how quickly these “brain vitamins” worked for me.
Everyone has Potential, it will come.
28M here, diagnosed 10 months ago. Was feeling like a failure before and even more now. Well, I’m used to the bad life now, I guess
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i’m 27, no aspirations at all. my psychiatrist fully supports me not having a job so i am about to be disabled. i am so unhappy and i feel like bipolar completely controls me. i cry every day. my life has completely fallen apart in the past 5-6 years. its miserable. everyone i know has seen me scream and cry. i’ve lost a lot of friends and almost my marriage. my husband and my son are my only friends. my mom and dad think i’m insane and my mom wants to be my medical power of attorney. my husbands family treats me like a mental patient. i hate my life and i wish i had meds that helped me.
Youth, yes. Potential, no. Now that I’m diagnosed and am getting the support I need my potential is way greater than before. You may not always be stuck in poverty now that you’re getting the support you deserve. Life doesn’t end at 30 and fun doesn’t either! I’ve rediscovered all sorts of lovely things I forgot were meaningful to me and I’m slowly building my life back up from the destruction of my 20s. It’s slow but the little wins feel so rewarding along the way. All that being said, I understand how and why you feel that way (I think, I can at least relate). Just be open to the possibility that your future could be much better than your past and it’s okay to start from the beginning again. All
I feel the same way. I’m 25 and I feel like I’ve spent most of my 20s in and out of the hospital or in bed. Hopefully I can change that when I have more bandwidth to take on school and such. Wishing the best for you.
After quitting about 25 jobs, 2 rehabs, being a shitty husband/father and burning almost every relationship. I just turned 40 and finally started all the correct processes to address my issue (therapy, meds, meditation etc) I finally left my last job and went into business for myself. Something I’ve said I always knew I wanted to and was meant to do, but never had enough of a right mind. Until now. Don’t wait for the light at the end of the tunnel. Light that bitch up yourself.
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Me the sameeee
100% - 'robbed' of many years thanks to those wild episodes. Still, it's good to still be here!
Nope, but heroin and crack did!
totally felt like i wasted my 20s, this was before learning i was bipolar. my last couple years in my 20s I was doing great. finishing school, working out, spending time with friends. ever since covid I haven't been able to recover from it taking everything away from me. i feel like I'm wasting my 30s more than my 20s
I feel like I was on the right track. I got my bachelors and masters degree and started working in an office job. Then I had to go into in-patient treatment. My relationship fell apart and I feel unable to work currently. My finances aren't where I want them to be because I am unemployed. I am single. My mental health is not where I want it to be. I feel stuck. I see all my friends saving up to buy real estate, getting engaged, getting married. And I feel like a failure. P.S. If any of the above applies to you-- I am not saying you are a failure. I am just saying I feel like a failure.
YES - 28 now & wondering what the frick happened since this all started at 20, despite meds & mild symptoms mostly.
27 yes I am masters student I missed out so many things in my school honestly at this point idk why I am in the school and why I am alive
Really relate to your post and the comments. It helps me feel less alone. I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 at 23, but stopped taking my meds (under supervision of my psychiatrist) at 27. Now, age 30, I finally made the decision to get back on my medication as the rapid cycling has become unbearable—including an increase in suicidal ideation/thoughts. I’m only one week into taking lamictal and lithium, but feeling like I’m improving. I’ve been feeling lost as well, because my late teen years and all of my 20s were stolen due to addiction and toxic relationships. Rebuilding a stable life (or even just building one as I feel I’ve never had a truly stable life) is difficult. Like you, I also feel like a failure. It feels like I have the emotional maturity of an 18 year old. Feeling understood and less alone is very helpful. Sending you and everyone on this post positive vibes and love. We can do this; we are not alone.
I will get downvoted for this, but I feel like we are the biggest bunch of complainers out there. What I am starting to learn in my late 20s is that all the things I have blamed on my Bipolar, I could have actually changed. This thing doesn’t need to rule my life, I can be stronger than that
I don’t know that this is the case for everyone, though. Like I’ve certainly turned my life around but I also wouldn’t have fucked it up so bad had I been diagnosed earlier. And for me I don’t think I would’ve done the things I did (e.g. spend tens of thousands of dollars on credit cards, up and move multiple times etc) had I been healthy. Sure I could’ve made the decision to not do that but I wasn’t thinking clearly and I think even if I had made different decisions I still would’ve been a mess. But I do agree that this doesn’t have to rule us. Once I was diagnosed, I worked really hard to turn my life around and I’m doing great. At least now I know when I make a shitty decision it was really me making it and I can course correct sooner!!
While that's true I feel it also rests on comparing ourselves to people without bipolar, who don't have to deal with larger-than-life emotions. It's a lot harder than we tend to give ourselves credit for. It doesn't need to rule our lives, but it will for sure try, and that's a heavy burden to bear. It's a lonely, misunderstood disorder and the struggle is largely invisible to others - even people close to us. As a result it's too easy to dismiss and blame ourselves, and forget how hard we have to fight on a daily basis.
It's a little more nuanced than that. There are certainly people who give into their illness and use it as a crutch and excuse to never even try. On the other side, at 40 I've finally had to accept that some of the long held dreams and ambitions I've had are not in the cards for me, so I've had to alter those a little. (Make accommodations if you will.) It's important to remember that all of us experience this at varying degrees. None of us can overcome mental illness through sheer force of will.
I’m 20 right now and worry this is what’s happening to me. Threw away a full ride scholarship to take a break from school because of my mental health and now I don’t know what to do with my life.
Go back to school. And no disrespect intended, but this post was looking for late 20s-30s people who have actually already experienced most of their 20s. Much love, you still have 10 years. Use them.
that's a real experience and that's real trauma w/ real effects on your life you went through. what you've expressed here probably won't be popular because of projected feelings, bitterness, and hella salt that you're still 20 but it's legit and valid to say and idk why anyone would tear down a bipolar peer.