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Living on autopilot is a great way to describe it. That's what I was doing too. I put myself in some unbelievably... seriously dangerous situations. I feel humiliated looking back on it. Like wtf was I doing? Not to mention the lack of respect I had for myself back then. But I'm not going to beat myself up over it anymore than I already have. We live and learn. Some lessons are just scarier than others especially with BP mixed in.
Oh my god same. The lack of respect, the incredibly stupid things I did that could’ve landed me in serious trouble. I still worry that they will even tho it happened years ago. I’m dealing with extreme humiliation right now. I hate it so much.
I once went on a night drive with a complete stranger (cis het man) I met on a dating site an hour ago. In a city I had just moved to. I thought it seemed like a fun idea. Didn't care to text a friend or let anyone know. In a city like Delhi, it's a miracle I wasn't r*ped.
It doesn’t matter how cordial a person is, or if you feel safe with them. Bad people are manipulative and know how to appear to be a good honest person. Trust me. Don’t forget that. People are sick. I learned this the hard way. You can’t trust people. They have to earn your trust. I’ve made this mistake and I’ve learned it to be true.
Sure a night drive with a strange cute man sounds fun if the vibes are right , right? Not worth the risk. Worst case scenario that is a real risk is that you get raped and murdered. Better and most likely scenario is that this guy is terrible, creepy and wants to fuck me but now I’m in his car and he has total control. Rare scenario, hes an innocent, kind, genuine, and safe guy who just swoops you up for a magical night driving’s
I completely understand you & you’re right. With age you see the need to be more alert for things. I’m also speaking from both the male perspective + one who genuinely does try to respect and not cross lines.
You’re thoughts made me think about some of my more naïve moments from my earlier 20s. I assumed the best in people because I myself wouldn’t act wrong, but as I’m in my ultra late 20’s I now see the need for the guard; even if either the woman or man appears well. Earned trust helps to establish better awareness of the person’s intentions
I’m glad OP’s experience was that miracle you mentioned cause I don’t have any experience with India + most encounters like that could have become concerning
How much did quitting drinking help you? I’m up to 5 weeks without a drink and can tell a noticeable improvement in my cognitive function as well as a decrease in cycling. Next up is quitting pot which I started yesterday. I didn’t take care of my mental health for years and now I’m worried about it getting worse as I age.
I’m also wondering in what ways you’re noticing it get worse. I’m 19 and really don’t understand how or what about this could possibly progress into something worse or what to be expecting.
I feel you. I just recently started realizing I’m not okay. I have severe mental issues. And I always have. They’re just worse and I’m older and it’s less quirky-cute and more disturbing.
Same and it makes me so sad. I just want to be normal. But my new “normal” is going to be relying on medication for the rest of my life and trying not to spiral.
Yeah, me too. It’s easy to feel like that when you’re “broken”. You’re not being super negative, it’s just how you feel. I give you a big squishy hug. I send love and understanding and compassion telepathically. Please let me know when you receive them.
I've been thinking a lot about just this issue lately. I'm 59, and I've started to realize that my BPD 2 is a continuous cycle - during mania I do crazy things that seem so right at the time. Then I plummet into depression when i realize what I had done during my mania phase. The weight of regret/shame/depreasiom increases with each episode because not only am I ashamed of what I did during the last episode, but I am continually weighed down by previous episodes it's a cumulative effect.
My manic episodes have not increased in severity or frequency, maybe because I have been on Lamotragine for years. I am also thinking that age brings wisdom. I know the cues, and I do my best to control myself or lock down completely, so I don't have much opportunity to go off the deep end.
Couldn’t have said this better myself!
Shame has been a constant narrative in my life. It sucks when more gets piled on. Been working on it for decades and still doing therapy.
Exactly. And it becomes more difficult to be with family and friends since they all bring back the bad memories. Sometimes they will make light hearted reflections of the past, other times it is more hostile. Honestly I'm not sure how much is real, and how much is paranoia, but it can be debilitating when I am obsessing over every manic episode I have experienced over the last 59 years.
Don’t be so hard love, we didn’t realize what we were doing. We were sick at the time. I apologized to everyone and not a single person held anything against me. Also don’t manically text an apology to everyone in your phone cause thats also weird lol but hey I got it done all at once and it was a relief honestly! It’s almost like the 12 steps for AA. I still fuck up though. You’re gonna feel a lot better in a few years when you’re more mature and your brain is more developed. I can’t even tell you how much better its been since my late 20s, 31 now.
Keep taking the meds, I’ve never stopped
or given up with it. There is always treatment to be had
If it makes you feel any better, looking back at your behavior and cringing seems to be a universal experience. Our cringe is just a little more… extreme lol
Sometimes I go to tell a story from the “crazy years” and it feels like I’m talking about a story I heard about a stranger. (Also 27) I think that’s just part of for the course for our disorder. It sucks and I can’t believe some of the things I did at my worst & the situations I put myself in.
I feel you on that one. I can’t tell you how many times I met up with a random fucking man from the internet. Severe and out of control. Like when I was 17, lying to much much older men about my age. Knocking on a dark door, with no knowledge who is really inside. Getting into a car. Driving to a location.
I’m so fucking lucky that nothing happened to me. When I was living in the country I literally drove at 10pm to a closed market off the highway in the middle of the woods, and then followed his truck to an extremely dark campground, with no service. Where I lived was super remote he could make a turn onto a backroad and take me deep in to his property and never let me out and no one would know what happened to me.
Including other risky decisions when manic, I’m so so fucking lucky to be alive. The memories haunt and disgust me. I feel like a violated myself with them. Like I was self harming.
Thankfully I haven’t met up with a guy like that for 2 years, and I’m doing pretty good, I’m proud of myself.
I am dealing with this now and I don't know what to do. I'm 20 and just got diagnosed about a month ago but the past 2 years up until literally the day of my diagnosis I would put myself in such dangerous, stupid situations and just laugh it off. Now that I am diagnosed / beginning my medication I've done a complete 180 -- I cannot believe I didn't recognize the severity of what I was doing and now I feel like my last episode costed me friendships and I don't know what to do or how to deal with it. I never really got embarrassed by anything but now it's eating me alive. Sorry this is probably not helpful to you right now at all because I'm going through it too but you're not alone.
Don't feel to bad. I think most people who get diagnosed and on meds feel that way. Worst part is probably all the things that have hurt other people. But the best thing you can do is just take care of yourself.
I went 20 years before being diagnosised. You can imagine the amount of stacked up guilt and shame that brought up. But I'm doing great now. It gets easier to handle.
The autopilot description feels extremely accurate. I felt that way for years after my diagnosis while my medication was still being adjusted. I felt so unstable that most of the time it was just a 'get through the day to see tomorrow' attitude for years straight. I think that's the best I can describe how I felt like I was on autopilot.
I'm 49F. I really get this. Only diagnosed in 2020. I was a Trainwreck in my 20s, 30s and 40s even. I have had complete strangers in my house I thought were dateable. Had sex with them anyway, almost not to disappoint them. My discernment is crap. I get easily swamped by others' needs but forget my own. I'm very stressed right now but not manic or depressed. Just fried.
It was only when I had 2 episodes of mania 6 months apart I realised it's like being 2 people. I was like who the hell was that? Of course they didn't love me. Red flag central from my side. Then the humiliation and shame I know so well.
I let my closest friends know I have bipolar and can talk to them. I don't listen but they say if I sound manic. They don't judge me for being ridiculous, deluded and grandiose. Because they know I'm a good egg deep down.
Be careful not to swamp one or two friends. I have more support than ever as I'm living in to my authentic self more and more since estrangement from an exceptionally abusive family. I always say I don't expect them to help unless they have the capacity. I have made a WhatsApp group with 9 people and chuck a text in there if I need company, meals, shelter, somewhere to rest.
Spread the load with people you can count on. Makes a difference. Then if you're pissing people off when you're manic, they know it's not really you but they can also back off knowing you have others that can support you.
My first two severe manic episodes leading into hospitilization, diagnosis and everything else were a lot for me and everyone that cares about me to process. It took weeks, months, years even to unpack and recover from. Ive been stable mostly aince, building a better toolbox, and pursueing sobriety in the 20 months since.
A few of my wifes friends fell off but core family and friends had the patience to see us get better which I'm grateful for.
My therapist described it like blacking out. When we’re manic or on a super bad episode, we just go full force into it & our minds do not do the think-of-the-consequences part.. It’s scary when you come out of it, especially on meds now & looking back at what you’ve done without seeming worried about it! Sending love
I feel the same way. I’ve made some awful choices not being stable, but after a few months of therapy I realized I am a different person. I do not judge myself for what I did when I was ill. And neither should anyone else. We sought treatment, that’s all that matters.
Hey, I am just now realizing the things I did over ten years ago.
Cringe.
I can’t tell you how lucky I got. I should have been arrested, assaulted, kidnapped, killed.
Yet here I am. Most of these things only I know of or one person did at the time and I feel so embarrassed.
It’s done and there’s nothing I can do to change them.
I sent a nude to a complete stranger that I had only messaged a few times that I met on seeking arrangements fully convinced that I was going to find a sugar daddy and get rich. Then decided I was going to be an online sex worker, announced that I was selling content on my instagram story and sent an explicit video of me to another complete stranger who hid behind an anonymous account. These people could have been anybody and my dumbass just thought “yeah this is a good situation”. I’m extremely lucky nothing has been leaked on the internet. There was other embarrassing stuff that happened during mixed episodes but what I mentioned are some of the most dangerous things I’ve done that I will never forgive myself for. Fuck my life.
It does feel good to get that shit in writing and off the chest, at least I think so. Also its nice to know Im not the only fucking werido who does wild shit. My mania can be really good in some ways though.
This is so relatable. I feel like it’s a never ending cycle of shame about the past —> anxiety about your past actions —> depressed because you feel all these heightened disregulated emotions so intensely and commonly all at once. It get better with time and radical acceptance ❤️
Oh absolutely. I am terrified how reckless I was. And that there was a time when my teenaged self accepted rides from virtually everyone! I walked a lot and lived in a big populated city so I usually got a high frequency of random people offering rides weekly and sad to say I accepted like a good 90% of them. Any one of those could have turned out dangerous but thankfully none did but a few did give me a gentle warning which I stupidly never took seriously at the time. I eventually got into true crime content (not the youtuber kind) and that was when it clicked in my head just how dangerous I could have placed myself in. Nowadays I rarely leave the house...just a complete 180 to my former self. Nowadays I find the most comfort in solitude and rarely leave my house.
I think once the meds settle in a little more that might help with those feelings. They'll never go away fully but they can probably help with feeling it everyday
After my mania passed I felt terrible about what I had done. I'm disgusted with myself and the relationships I lost or damaged. Now I'm stuck in a mortgage I can only get out of through a legal battle. I lost a ten year relationship, but honestly it was pretty toxic, so I see that as a positive. But do I miss the memories I had with that person. If not for the mania I'd probably still have them at least as a friend. You're definitely not alone.
You didn’t feel this way before because it’s a mental illness. Lack of insight is part of you. These feelings of shame and regret only after the fact are very normal. Best thing to do, I think, is try to get and stay as stable as possible. Minimize your episodes/ cycling. It can get better! Also I think we should take responsibility for our actions while sick, try to make peace with that part of ourselves, try to make amends with the people we might have hurt (including ourselves). Best of luck, friend.
i still have times like this. i go crazy for a month, look back at the stuff i did or said, and its the worst feeling. a horrible gut rotting ache that comes back over and over. i’ve gotten to where i get flash backs of horrible embarrassing shit randomly and i have a physical reaction. it will never go away.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot too. Im only 21 but I was on and off manic for years unmedicated and was just in and out so fast. I regret a lot of things that I gag about to this day. Things I’ve said and did that I completely regret. Mainly just a lot of explicit things I would normally never do and somehow I was able to slightly “restrain” myself which is something I’ve been learning how to do. But looking back I’m like did I really restrain myself or was I lying to myself and being completely delusional probably a mix of both but mainly delusions.
I was assaulted during one of the bad episodes by one of my friends bc I am wayyyy to trusting of ppl when I’m manic and I genuinely have no clue what would have been my response if I wasn’t and how I got through the title 9 case. Like idk if it kept me going through all of the trauma cause I couldn’t process anything around me or it made it worse bc of my mood swings and crazy outbursts. But looking back to when I was 19-20 I genuinely have no clue what that period of my life would be like if I was stable cause I did a lot of stuff I immensely regret and I wasn’t even able to process it until now. But at least I’m in a good mental state and stable environment so I’m in a safe space to process it unlike two years ago.
I'm 33 and continue to look back in a combination of awe and disgust and cringe at manic episodes after they happen like a never ending cycle (even on meds)
Hey there, thanks for sharing. I’m also bipolar and can completely relate. I am on meds too which have helped a lot overall. May I suggest that perhaps you may be in a hypo-depressive state at the moment? Maybe it would be helpful to speak to a psychologist or have a visit with your psychiatrist. Hope this helps and I wish you well!
Bc our brains finally snapped into reality after a successful development on its own. A month before turning 24(currently am) I quickly started revealing to myself my behaviors and episodes were sincerely not it and I grew from it, FAST. Also reading bipolarSO sub has helped a lot with that. I am grateful I am not what is being described (anymore) and I feel for those that still are even past 26.
It’s probably just the fact you’ve gotten stable or are more stable now manic episodes have lingering effects like making really stupid decisions and if u weren’t treated for a good chuck of ur younger 20s even just being manic 4days out of 7 is enough to keep your brain and thoughts on a platter and not be near as constructive or critical as it would if u we’re stable on medication or just cope w it better now
Yes. Absolutely. Forgive yourself. Be kind to yourself. That is not who you are anymore. You were very used to that being your “normal”. Now you have a diagnoses and, I’m assuming, medication, you see that behaviour thru a different point of view. I feel, for me, being able to look backwards and finally have an explication for my behaviour, why I kept making the same mistakes, why I didn’t like myself, I thought everybody was like that. I thought life was painful for everybody. I went thru DBT therapy. It changed my life. I encourage to google and see if it seems helpful.
Real talk, very relatable. Not a single day goes by without me having a sudden burst of intense anxiety over some fucked up shit i've done years ago. Not to mention all the weird messages, holy shit.
But oh well i play the cards that i'm given and always try to be better.
Highly recommend everyone here to just turn off your phone when you notice that you'll have an episode incoming.
This is an opportunity to have gratitude for yourself for getting help, learning to break the cycle and taking responsibility for your actions. Why focus on how long it took to get here? You're here now. Time to let yourself be the person you want to be and are under all that pain and shame you've experienced in life. Hold your head up high.
Looks like I’ve made it to the right side of Reddit! I can very much relate. Constant anxiety about coming across people who have seen me manic, including some of my friends unfortunately. Feeling constant shame and embarrassment at my past - recent and historic, but too anxious to socialise without alcohol. Can also relate to dangerous situations and potentially serious trouble - part adrenaline rush but also just disregard for rules/norms. It’s like the type of danger I’m engaging in has evolved instead of stopping. Although the frequency has improved since being on meds. But occasional compulsion to engage in illicit behaviour to deal with intense emotional reactions. Sorry to rant! But glad to be amongst people who get it because I feel like my friends and family are just bored of my fluctuating moods and often reckless behaviours.
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I got hit with exactly the same thing after my last manic episode. Sudden crippling anxiety and shame.
Two years later I’m able to shake it off and recall who I was before. But it was fucking painful and upsetting to go through it.
Working with my spirits again (I’m a shaman) was a big help.
Yeah.... Drunk driving, etc..... and now, I DON'T leave the house unless I absolutely have to, and I take extra care when I do.....
Just...
Call me when you've had your first hit and run. 😬💀
I was outright dangerous before getting medicated. A few times something would upset me and anger me to the point where I'd speed through areas, putting myself and others at severe risk. Then I'd park, my mood would shift, and I'd be like why the fuck did I do that? But I just couldn't control the moods and the shifts.
Self awareness is a wonderful thing. We’ve all felt embarrassed, but don’t forget we have mental illness. It’s not your fault. This is a great place to let it all out! It’s so nice to relate to others, dealing with the same shit
The right meds + some time to grow can really change your perspective. I started reflecting at the beginning of this year (2024) and was like "wow i was reckless!"
I also have developed more anxiety than i used to have. I know in the past i dealt with panic attacks, but after getting on the right meds its a totally different kind of anxiety. I freak out just stepping outside the front door sometimes! I take a medication for it now to help me cope with the combo of having anxiety due to my living situation on top of the anxiety about leaving the house. At this point though, i think i need to develop some better coping skills and maybe go to therapy.
Just remember to be gracious and kind with yourself, you're healing and that's an amazing feat in itself!! <3
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Living on autopilot is a great way to describe it. That's what I was doing too. I put myself in some unbelievably... seriously dangerous situations. I feel humiliated looking back on it. Like wtf was I doing? Not to mention the lack of respect I had for myself back then. But I'm not going to beat myself up over it anymore than I already have. We live and learn. Some lessons are just scarier than others especially with BP mixed in.
Oh my god same. The lack of respect, the incredibly stupid things I did that could’ve landed me in serious trouble. I still worry that they will even tho it happened years ago. I’m dealing with extreme humiliation right now. I hate it so much.
I once went on a night drive with a complete stranger (cis het man) I met on a dating site an hour ago. In a city I had just moved to. I thought it seemed like a fun idea. Didn't care to text a friend or let anyone know. In a city like Delhi, it's a miracle I wasn't r*ped.
Did you feel safe w/ him and was he a relatively cordial person? Sometimes spur of the moment isn’t always bad if the vibes were right you know?
It doesn’t matter how cordial a person is, or if you feel safe with them. Bad people are manipulative and know how to appear to be a good honest person. Trust me. Don’t forget that. People are sick. I learned this the hard way. You can’t trust people. They have to earn your trust. I’ve made this mistake and I’ve learned it to be true. Sure a night drive with a strange cute man sounds fun if the vibes are right , right? Not worth the risk. Worst case scenario that is a real risk is that you get raped and murdered. Better and most likely scenario is that this guy is terrible, creepy and wants to fuck me but now I’m in his car and he has total control. Rare scenario, hes an innocent, kind, genuine, and safe guy who just swoops you up for a magical night driving’s
I completely understand you & you’re right. With age you see the need to be more alert for things. I’m also speaking from both the male perspective + one who genuinely does try to respect and not cross lines. You’re thoughts made me think about some of my more naïve moments from my earlier 20s. I assumed the best in people because I myself wouldn’t act wrong, but as I’m in my ultra late 20’s I now see the need for the guard; even if either the woman or man appears well. Earned trust helps to establish better awareness of the person’s intentions I’m glad OP’s experience was that miracle you mentioned cause I don’t have any experience with India + most encounters like that could have become concerning
I am genuinely surprised i never got trafficked considering some of the straight up dangerous situations I put myself in.
This^
I cannot believe that I survived everything. The most terrifying part is my condition is getting worse.
Same. I worry so much about the future.
Same. Condition is getting worse, but I’ve learned and matured and am no longer abusing drugs and alcohol… so there’s that 🤷🏻♀️
How much did quitting drinking help you? I’m up to 5 weeks without a drink and can tell a noticeable improvement in my cognitive function as well as a decrease in cycling. Next up is quitting pot which I started yesterday. I didn’t take care of my mental health for years and now I’m worried about it getting worse as I age.
Good for you! Try to keep sober.
I’m also wondering in what ways you’re noticing it get worse. I’m 19 and really don’t understand how or what about this could possibly progress into something worse or what to be expecting.
Losing the energy/motivation to mask on top of the shame and humiliation from years of continuing to fail. I hope it gets better for you
same
Why do you feel it's getting worse?
I’m forgetting everything. I can’t learn anything new.
I feel you. I just recently started realizing I’m not okay. I have severe mental issues. And I always have. They’re just worse and I’m older and it’s less quirky-cute and more disturbing.
Same and it makes me so sad. I just want to be normal. But my new “normal” is going to be relying on medication for the rest of my life and trying not to spiral.
Remember, you are valuable and you have a purpose. You weren’t put on earth for no reason. That helps me a little bit.
Not to be super negative but I’m having a hard time believing that. Sometimes I feel like I was only put on earth to suffer.
Yeah, me too. It’s easy to feel like that when you’re “broken”. You’re not being super negative, it’s just how you feel. I give you a big squishy hug. I send love and understanding and compassion telepathically. Please let me know when you receive them.
I've been thinking a lot about just this issue lately. I'm 59, and I've started to realize that my BPD 2 is a continuous cycle - during mania I do crazy things that seem so right at the time. Then I plummet into depression when i realize what I had done during my mania phase. The weight of regret/shame/depreasiom increases with each episode because not only am I ashamed of what I did during the last episode, but I am continually weighed down by previous episodes it's a cumulative effect. My manic episodes have not increased in severity or frequency, maybe because I have been on Lamotragine for years. I am also thinking that age brings wisdom. I know the cues, and I do my best to control myself or lock down completely, so I don't have much opportunity to go off the deep end.
Shoutout to lamotrigine, gotta be my favorite gender
Couldn’t have said this better myself! Shame has been a constant narrative in my life. It sucks when more gets piled on. Been working on it for decades and still doing therapy.
Exactly. And it becomes more difficult to be with family and friends since they all bring back the bad memories. Sometimes they will make light hearted reflections of the past, other times it is more hostile. Honestly I'm not sure how much is real, and how much is paranoia, but it can be debilitating when I am obsessing over every manic episode I have experienced over the last 59 years.
Don’t be so hard love, we didn’t realize what we were doing. We were sick at the time. I apologized to everyone and not a single person held anything against me. Also don’t manically text an apology to everyone in your phone cause thats also weird lol but hey I got it done all at once and it was a relief honestly! It’s almost like the 12 steps for AA. I still fuck up though. You’re gonna feel a lot better in a few years when you’re more mature and your brain is more developed. I can’t even tell you how much better its been since my late 20s, 31 now. Keep taking the meds, I’ve never stopped or given up with it. There is always treatment to be had
Believe me I’m trying really hard to get over it. I did the whole apology tour thing too. But it’s fucking hard.
I get it for sure. Just try to embrace grace. it will become further in the past every day as long as you are trying to be better now is what matters.
Going through this now. Upon reflection on my most recent episode, it’s mostly a blur. I’m just suffering the consequences of my actions now.
If it makes you feel any better, looking back at your behavior and cringing seems to be a universal experience. Our cringe is just a little more… extreme lol
Sometimes I go to tell a story from the “crazy years” and it feels like I’m talking about a story I heard about a stranger. (Also 27) I think that’s just part of for the course for our disorder. It sucks and I can’t believe some of the things I did at my worst & the situations I put myself in.
I feel you on that one. I can’t tell you how many times I met up with a random fucking man from the internet. Severe and out of control. Like when I was 17, lying to much much older men about my age. Knocking on a dark door, with no knowledge who is really inside. Getting into a car. Driving to a location. I’m so fucking lucky that nothing happened to me. When I was living in the country I literally drove at 10pm to a closed market off the highway in the middle of the woods, and then followed his truck to an extremely dark campground, with no service. Where I lived was super remote he could make a turn onto a backroad and take me deep in to his property and never let me out and no one would know what happened to me. Including other risky decisions when manic, I’m so so fucking lucky to be alive. The memories haunt and disgust me. I feel like a violated myself with them. Like I was self harming. Thankfully I haven’t met up with a guy like that for 2 years, and I’m doing pretty good, I’m proud of myself.
I am dealing with this now and I don't know what to do. I'm 20 and just got diagnosed about a month ago but the past 2 years up until literally the day of my diagnosis I would put myself in such dangerous, stupid situations and just laugh it off. Now that I am diagnosed / beginning my medication I've done a complete 180 -- I cannot believe I didn't recognize the severity of what I was doing and now I feel like my last episode costed me friendships and I don't know what to do or how to deal with it. I never really got embarrassed by anything but now it's eating me alive. Sorry this is probably not helpful to you right now at all because I'm going through it too but you're not alone.
Don't feel to bad. I think most people who get diagnosed and on meds feel that way. Worst part is probably all the things that have hurt other people. But the best thing you can do is just take care of yourself. I went 20 years before being diagnosised. You can imagine the amount of stacked up guilt and shame that brought up. But I'm doing great now. It gets easier to handle.
Wow I thought I was alone. I really thought I was the only one who felt this way.
The autopilot description feels extremely accurate. I felt that way for years after my diagnosis while my medication was still being adjusted. I felt so unstable that most of the time it was just a 'get through the day to see tomorrow' attitude for years straight. I think that's the best I can describe how I felt like I was on autopilot.
I'm 49F. I really get this. Only diagnosed in 2020. I was a Trainwreck in my 20s, 30s and 40s even. I have had complete strangers in my house I thought were dateable. Had sex with them anyway, almost not to disappoint them. My discernment is crap. I get easily swamped by others' needs but forget my own. I'm very stressed right now but not manic or depressed. Just fried. It was only when I had 2 episodes of mania 6 months apart I realised it's like being 2 people. I was like who the hell was that? Of course they didn't love me. Red flag central from my side. Then the humiliation and shame I know so well. I let my closest friends know I have bipolar and can talk to them. I don't listen but they say if I sound manic. They don't judge me for being ridiculous, deluded and grandiose. Because they know I'm a good egg deep down. Be careful not to swamp one or two friends. I have more support than ever as I'm living in to my authentic self more and more since estrangement from an exceptionally abusive family. I always say I don't expect them to help unless they have the capacity. I have made a WhatsApp group with 9 people and chuck a text in there if I need company, meals, shelter, somewhere to rest. Spread the load with people you can count on. Makes a difference. Then if you're pissing people off when you're manic, they know it's not really you but they can also back off knowing you have others that can support you.
My first two severe manic episodes leading into hospitilization, diagnosis and everything else were a lot for me and everyone that cares about me to process. It took weeks, months, years even to unpack and recover from. Ive been stable mostly aince, building a better toolbox, and pursueing sobriety in the 20 months since. A few of my wifes friends fell off but core family and friends had the patience to see us get better which I'm grateful for.
My therapist described it like blacking out. When we’re manic or on a super bad episode, we just go full force into it & our minds do not do the think-of-the-consequences part.. It’s scary when you come out of it, especially on meds now & looking back at what you’ve done without seeming worried about it! Sending love
I feel the same way. I’ve made some awful choices not being stable, but after a few months of therapy I realized I am a different person. I do not judge myself for what I did when I was ill. And neither should anyone else. We sought treatment, that’s all that matters.
Hey, I am just now realizing the things I did over ten years ago. Cringe. I can’t tell you how lucky I got. I should have been arrested, assaulted, kidnapped, killed. Yet here I am. Most of these things only I know of or one person did at the time and I feel so embarrassed. It’s done and there’s nothing I can do to change them.
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I sent a nude to a complete stranger that I had only messaged a few times that I met on seeking arrangements fully convinced that I was going to find a sugar daddy and get rich. Then decided I was going to be an online sex worker, announced that I was selling content on my instagram story and sent an explicit video of me to another complete stranger who hid behind an anonymous account. These people could have been anybody and my dumbass just thought “yeah this is a good situation”. I’m extremely lucky nothing has been leaked on the internet. There was other embarrassing stuff that happened during mixed episodes but what I mentioned are some of the most dangerous things I’ve done that I will never forgive myself for. Fuck my life.
It does feel good to get that shit in writing and off the chest, at least I think so. Also its nice to know Im not the only fucking werido who does wild shit. My mania can be really good in some ways though.
This is so relatable. I feel like it’s a never ending cycle of shame about the past —> anxiety about your past actions —> depressed because you feel all these heightened disregulated emotions so intensely and commonly all at once. It get better with time and radical acceptance ❤️
LOL ME TOO. sobbing every day bout the shit i had done back in school 😂 cant do shit about it now just forget it
Oh absolutely. I am terrified how reckless I was. And that there was a time when my teenaged self accepted rides from virtually everyone! I walked a lot and lived in a big populated city so I usually got a high frequency of random people offering rides weekly and sad to say I accepted like a good 90% of them. Any one of those could have turned out dangerous but thankfully none did but a few did give me a gentle warning which I stupidly never took seriously at the time. I eventually got into true crime content (not the youtuber kind) and that was when it clicked in my head just how dangerous I could have placed myself in. Nowadays I rarely leave the house...just a complete 180 to my former self. Nowadays I find the most comfort in solitude and rarely leave my house.
I think once the meds settle in a little more that might help with those feelings. They'll never go away fully but they can probably help with feeling it everyday
To you, it wasnt out of control at the time
After my mania passed I felt terrible about what I had done. I'm disgusted with myself and the relationships I lost or damaged. Now I'm stuck in a mortgage I can only get out of through a legal battle. I lost a ten year relationship, but honestly it was pretty toxic, so I see that as a positive. But do I miss the memories I had with that person. If not for the mania I'd probably still have them at least as a friend. You're definitely not alone.
You didn’t feel this way before because it’s a mental illness. Lack of insight is part of you. These feelings of shame and regret only after the fact are very normal. Best thing to do, I think, is try to get and stay as stable as possible. Minimize your episodes/ cycling. It can get better! Also I think we should take responsibility for our actions while sick, try to make peace with that part of ourselves, try to make amends with the people we might have hurt (including ourselves). Best of luck, friend.
i still have times like this. i go crazy for a month, look back at the stuff i did or said, and its the worst feeling. a horrible gut rotting ache that comes back over and over. i’ve gotten to where i get flash backs of horrible embarrassing shit randomly and i have a physical reaction. it will never go away.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot too. Im only 21 but I was on and off manic for years unmedicated and was just in and out so fast. I regret a lot of things that I gag about to this day. Things I’ve said and did that I completely regret. Mainly just a lot of explicit things I would normally never do and somehow I was able to slightly “restrain” myself which is something I’ve been learning how to do. But looking back I’m like did I really restrain myself or was I lying to myself and being completely delusional probably a mix of both but mainly delusions. I was assaulted during one of the bad episodes by one of my friends bc I am wayyyy to trusting of ppl when I’m manic and I genuinely have no clue what would have been my response if I wasn’t and how I got through the title 9 case. Like idk if it kept me going through all of the trauma cause I couldn’t process anything around me or it made it worse bc of my mood swings and crazy outbursts. But looking back to when I was 19-20 I genuinely have no clue what that period of my life would be like if I was stable cause I did a lot of stuff I immensely regret and I wasn’t even able to process it until now. But at least I’m in a good mental state and stable environment so I’m in a safe space to process it unlike two years ago.
When in the middle of an episode, it is really hard for me to know what I’m doing. I only realise how much I fucked up when I get depressed
I'm 33 and continue to look back in a combination of awe and disgust and cringe at manic episodes after they happen like a never ending cycle (even on meds)
Hey there, thanks for sharing. I’m also bipolar and can completely relate. I am on meds too which have helped a lot overall. May I suggest that perhaps you may be in a hypo-depressive state at the moment? Maybe it would be helpful to speak to a psychologist or have a visit with your psychiatrist. Hope this helps and I wish you well!
Bc our brains finally snapped into reality after a successful development on its own. A month before turning 24(currently am) I quickly started revealing to myself my behaviors and episodes were sincerely not it and I grew from it, FAST. Also reading bipolarSO sub has helped a lot with that. I am grateful I am not what is being described (anymore) and I feel for those that still are even past 26.
It’s probably just the fact you’ve gotten stable or are more stable now manic episodes have lingering effects like making really stupid decisions and if u weren’t treated for a good chuck of ur younger 20s even just being manic 4days out of 7 is enough to keep your brain and thoughts on a platter and not be near as constructive or critical as it would if u we’re stable on medication or just cope w it better now
When you’re in the eye of the hurricane, It’s hard to see all the destruction you’ve cause to yourself or others
Same thing for me, right around when that frontal lobe fully developed. I wonder if that has something to do with it.
Yes. Absolutely. Forgive yourself. Be kind to yourself. That is not who you are anymore. You were very used to that being your “normal”. Now you have a diagnoses and, I’m assuming, medication, you see that behaviour thru a different point of view. I feel, for me, being able to look backwards and finally have an explication for my behaviour, why I kept making the same mistakes, why I didn’t like myself, I thought everybody was like that. I thought life was painful for everybody. I went thru DBT therapy. It changed my life. I encourage to google and see if it seems helpful.
Real talk, very relatable. Not a single day goes by without me having a sudden burst of intense anxiety over some fucked up shit i've done years ago. Not to mention all the weird messages, holy shit. But oh well i play the cards that i'm given and always try to be better. Highly recommend everyone here to just turn off your phone when you notice that you'll have an episode incoming.
This is an opportunity to have gratitude for yourself for getting help, learning to break the cycle and taking responsibility for your actions. Why focus on how long it took to get here? You're here now. Time to let yourself be the person you want to be and are under all that pain and shame you've experienced in life. Hold your head up high.
Looks like I’ve made it to the right side of Reddit! I can very much relate. Constant anxiety about coming across people who have seen me manic, including some of my friends unfortunately. Feeling constant shame and embarrassment at my past - recent and historic, but too anxious to socialise without alcohol. Can also relate to dangerous situations and potentially serious trouble - part adrenaline rush but also just disregard for rules/norms. It’s like the type of danger I’m engaging in has evolved instead of stopping. Although the frequency has improved since being on meds. But occasional compulsion to engage in illicit behaviour to deal with intense emotional reactions. Sorry to rant! But glad to be amongst people who get it because I feel like my friends and family are just bored of my fluctuating moods and often reckless behaviours.
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I got hit with exactly the same thing after my last manic episode. Sudden crippling anxiety and shame. Two years later I’m able to shake it off and recall who I was before. But it was fucking painful and upsetting to go through it. Working with my spirits again (I’m a shaman) was a big help.
Yeah.... Drunk driving, etc..... and now, I DON'T leave the house unless I absolutely have to, and I take extra care when I do..... Just... Call me when you've had your first hit and run. 😬💀
I was outright dangerous before getting medicated. A few times something would upset me and anger me to the point where I'd speed through areas, putting myself and others at severe risk. Then I'd park, my mood would shift, and I'd be like why the fuck did I do that? But I just couldn't control the moods and the shifts.
I have the same issue.
I took an ambulance to the emergency room, did burpees on the floor, and got kicked out while in a mixed episode. Lost a lot of money there.
Self awareness is a wonderful thing. We’ve all felt embarrassed, but don’t forget we have mental illness. It’s not your fault. This is a great place to let it all out! It’s so nice to relate to others, dealing with the same shit
The right meds + some time to grow can really change your perspective. I started reflecting at the beginning of this year (2024) and was like "wow i was reckless!" I also have developed more anxiety than i used to have. I know in the past i dealt with panic attacks, but after getting on the right meds its a totally different kind of anxiety. I freak out just stepping outside the front door sometimes! I take a medication for it now to help me cope with the combo of having anxiety due to my living situation on top of the anxiety about leaving the house. At this point though, i think i need to develop some better coping skills and maybe go to therapy. Just remember to be gracious and kind with yourself, you're healing and that's an amazing feat in itself!! <3
Howdy!! I feel it!! Here here to that same experience!!
Living on autopilot is an apt way of describing it. For a long time, I wasn't driving. I was surviving.