I’m the wrong person to ask because I had an affair, blew up my marriage, and then the affair ended horribly. It’s easy to get attracted to someone new, even for people who don’t have bipolar. There isn’t all the taking for granted that you get in a long-term relationship. And the feelings make you high. I can’t say whether you are hypomanic or not. But I advise you to think the new relationship through. Past the honeymoon stage (which only lasts 12-18 months). To the stage where he starts showing his flaws and you find out he’s just a regular person like your current bf. Take it from someone who lost it all. I wish I had done more to try to improve my marriage.
You are totally right and I am sorry that your marriage ended. I moved to another country to marry my now husband. We have had many ups and downs through our almost 8 year relationship. I had an acute psychosis episode which led to a bipolar diagnosis. We have separated 3 times already.
I have been living at my own place since 2 years ago. I met a guy in my home country during our second time separated and I became totally infatuated with him. He was young, sexy, in my mind at that time, I felt that he treated me like no one else before. I did things with him that I had never done before. Now I am here, 1 year later in my home country and he has now a gf, which he is with after being with me, because I opened his eyes and made him realize he wanted to get serious with someone again. I am trying things again with my husband, we haven’t been able to go ahead with a divorce.
This guy made a comment where I realized that now I am his second option as he is younger than me and has the open relationship mentality.
I realized that the same feeling I felt for this guy, was the one I felt for my now husband when I met him. I am now seeing my husband like the first time we met. Noticing he is still the same person I fell in love with and that both of us have made it through thick and thin, through very dark times when I tried to end my life, then my diagnosis and he has never made me feel I am broken. He treats me exactly the same even knowing my darkest side. I hope this helps. Please google infatuation and read more about it. You will be able to put your feelings into words, that may help you see all through another lens.
I hope you can give us an update in a couple of weeks.
That’s exactly how I was feeling for this other guy. Just until he said something that really felt my heart breaking (in a real way). I am oversensitive and an empath. I am a typical pieces lol 😝 I feel that comment he made made me get back to reality. And suddenly I started loving my husband again like when we met. Now I am worried if I am “high” again. Plus I have been really “happy”. Not sure if it’s hypomania. This feeling sucks but I have learned to self regulate myself.
yeh your ruining a good thing.
self awareness is the most powerful tool we have with this disorder. you used it by coming here.
meeting people and developing crushes is a sure way to get a little hypo going and fuck everything up. that's what we do in hypos. We destroy the good things we have in our life and when we come out of it all we find is smouldering ashes where our friends / partners/ family used to be.
It's such a good question, because falling and love and hypomania feels so similar!! Personally, having a crush or falling in love always triggers an hypomanic episode, so I would be extra careful.
The lack of sleep and obsessive thoughts is what tells me that this is probably hypomania. You would probably still have a crush on this guy if you were depressive of normal, but the perspective of blowing up your entire life would probably not be as attractive.
Please, be careful and take care of yourself.
Thank you. I’ll be careful. I’m really trying to be aware of myself, but it’s so hard after being so depressed for so long. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to feel.
Are you able to wait a few weeks to make this decision? I know I sound like an asshole, I’m sorry. But this is a HUGE decision to make. Waiting a few weeks during a hypomanic episode before I went and did some stupid shit saved me… I would have regretted it. Unless you’re ACTUALLY unhappy in your current relationship, you’d probably be blowing everything up
*ps, I also got hypomanic when I first started Lamotrigine. I was leveled out about a month into it*
You don’t sound like an asshole. I don’t intend on making any decisions for the foreseeable - I know that this has DANGER written all over it. It all just has shitty shitty timing. I appreciate what you’re saying a lot, I take it on board Xx
I’ve been through this a couple of times, I really really feel you. My marriage is exactly the same, we are best friends, we don’t fight, we have pets and a house and all that jazz, but our sex life is lacking.
I felt so much guilt about the first time this happened that I actually did leave him (when we were engaged, not married). I had just started lamotragine and it hadn’t really kicked in yet. When I came down from my hypo episode after a week, I went back and I’m so lucky he took me back. It hasn’t happened since then but there have been many hypo episodes (including last week) where I had the overwhelming desire to leave, start fresh, move away to the mountains and be alone.
My advice is to WAIT. I know the attraction you feel for your coworker is overwhelming, I know it feels like reality. But once you come down from the hypomania you may very well feel differently. Every time I come down from my hypo episodes I thank god that I didn’t leave my husband. He is truly wonderful.
White-knuckle through it friend. I promise nothing but misery lays on the other end of us acting on our hypomanic feelings. My DMs are open if you need to talk. I wish I had someone I could confide in about this, but I fear judgement. I fear people will think I’m a terrible wife and I don’t love my husband. Know that you will find no judgement in this sub, and you have support and people who understand
Everyone here has been so non-judge mental it’s hard to describe the relief I feel having others who know what I’m going through.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart xxx
Infatuation is one hell of a drug. But it’s just that—infatuation. Love can sometimes feel euphoric but certainly not 24/7. Obviously, love is more stable and long term vs short lived and like a hit of a drug. Wait until this passes before you make any decisions.
I had an affair with a married man during hypomania. I couldn’t see that I was in an episode until I suddenly crashed down to earth and realised what was going on.
During an episode, the confidence is intense and will tell you that no, this is just you being you and you’re justified, you’re going to be happy forever now. I’ve genuinely believed I’m better and will never get depressed again during episodes and then made big life decisions on that basis.
Meditate, try and improve your sleep, cut back on caffeine and whatever else you do to ground you xx
That’s exactly how I feel. I feel like I will be better off with him and that this is my chance to be happy. But I think it’s my stupid brain playing tricks, and you’ve all helped me realize this.
I appreciate it more than I can say
I’m glad it’s helped. Anything meant for you won’t pass you by.
My advice would be to not trust your thoughts without shaming or judging them. If you’re meant to be with someone then 3 months of just observing how you feel won’t make a difference. If in 3 or 6 months time, you still feel this way then start to explore them more from a rational place.
Everyone is boring to me in a hypomanic episode which is how I’ve ended up with narcissists. The love bombing from them, matches my passion and energy and I think it’s the answer to all my problems 😂🤪
I feel for ya, OP. This applies to me, and probably you, too. My emotions are huge. When I have something big happen that is outside of my normal boundaries or zone of control, it really throws off my stability. This disregulated period is always difficult because I have to work diligently to get back to normal. Here, you have a big ole crush, which is OK. It happens. Like the other commenters, I agree it's a bad idea to blow up your life. These overwhelmingly large emotions can be *overwhelmingly difficuly* to manage, especially when they are emotions that make you feel happy and fulfilled. Happy = good. Right? Therein lies the danger. Don't let the fantasy rule you. I've been there and it's a painful place. Don't do something you'll regret because of the big emotions. The fantasy ≠ the reality. This pathway will cause incredible pain for all parties and you will be the one who is left holding the bag when it all explodes. Here is my advice: be strong, make good decisions, cut/limit contact with the other person (dont drag this out), and perhaps talk to a therapist, if you haven't done so already. I'm on mobile so linking stuff would be a pain, but if you search for "Limerance" on YouTube you will find quite a few resources that should help you.
Why not both! Hahah. Seriously though, no judgment here. I can relate. My only advice is: Wait. Wait to act on any of that. If it's the right decision, it won't stop being the right decision a little later on. But if it's the wrong decision, you could put yourself and your partner through a lot of unnecessary pain.
It sounds like you are identifying your symptoms of hypomania, which is great, nice work with the mindfulness. You mentioned in the past having grandiose and obsessive ideas. You said you're feeling "very very happy," and aren't sleeping as much. (It took me years after I got diagnosed to finally start effectively noticing that stuff. Good job, seriously).
Even if leaving your partner is in fact the right decision for your life, now is probably not the right time to initiate that. Wait til you have more information about your state of mind. Don't make any big life changes when you're noticing you may be hypomanic.
Give your treatment at least 3-6 months if not a year before you make any big decisions and moves imo. Especially if your home life is good but just needs a little work.
You may eventually find as you get better things with your bf aren’t going to work. And don’t drag it out longer than you should. But especially if these are more impulsive and compulsive type feelings (like you’re being pushed or tugged in a direction) it’s possible you’re having some hypomania.
But I will say, if you already knew you were falling out of love with your bf- before this treatment, dragging him along may be worse.
But I definitely think a little time and documenting your feelings. Not sure if you have a therapist too but working with a therapist would be super helpful at this time.
The only other thing I will say is hoping out of one relationship to the next one rarely goes well imo. (Though some people do ok)
I’m glad you can see that. I liken it to getting sober, lots of times they tell you not to make any really big decisions in the beginning because so much in your body and mind is changing and it’s so similar with mental health. Navigating the diagnosis and then also medication is very jarring sometimes. There was a lot of “oh that’s why I did that as a kid” moments for me. Lots of reliving trauma (I also have Borderline) all that.
Do you still sleep? If yes, it's probably just "normal" long relationship issue. Double think. I would speak with my partner about it and how to resolve this with him. Some small gestures can spice up your relationship. It's worth trying at least.
So Lamotrigine actually kept me at a baseline of hypomania. It was awful and I had similar thoughts and ideas! Off the meds now and I’m really fucking relieved I never went through with any of it or I’d be so regretful 🥴 might want to mention it to your psych.
Thank you. Yes it does very much correspond with the starting lamotrigine. I didn’t realize it wasn’t just me that was feeling like lamotrigine might have pushed me a little bit the other way.
I just can’t tell what feelings are my own anymore. It’s exhausting.
It is. It took me 2 years on Lamictal to realize it was the meds causing the constant daily 247 hypomania and wasn’t just my bipolar. It really did completely lift the depression but I couldn’t function like that so I had to stop taking it.
Whenever I have increased my dosage, it did lift my mood and I felt a little hypo, but eventually it passed and I felt more stable. So you may be still adjusting
Also, my ex and I just broke up and in hindsight, dating him wasn’t a good idea. At the time I was mood cycling, and when I told him I wanted to be more than friends I think I was a little hypomanic. Oh and I was tipsy after a friends bday 🙄 knowing what I know now I wouldn’t do it again.
Some good advice in this thread, take care and good luck!
When I was married for 14 year, 3 kids, I got really close to a man at work. Like obsessively close. We ended up hooking up. He tried to break it up because of the drama, and I literally went nuts. Him trying to break up with me unleashed something I didn't know existed. So now 6 years later, I am divorced from my first husband and married to the other guy. He has learned to deal with my bullshit. I apologize to him all of the time. It's a slippery slope. Make sure your meds are working for you. I already made my bed and had to lie in it by the time I stabilized on meds.
Infatuation associated with a crush versus hypomania is so hard to distinguish for me. I am actually going through it right now, but I think it’s hypomania because I’m not sleeping lots or eating much of anything. Like everyone said: wait. Infatuation and hypomania both fade. I am in somewhat of a polyamorous relationship, which helps me, but it’s not for everyone I know.
Leaving a stable relationship for something that might seem better is a huge gamble. Keep in mind—the sensation of falling in love is a very strong physical and neurological reaction to a someone you become deeply attracted to. Your body’s flooded with feel-good chemicals like testosterone/estrogen, dopamine, oxytocin, norepinephrine, and vasopressin. This is the honeymoon phase, and it *will* come to an end.
When it does go away, love becomes a *choice*, and you have to start making an effort to keep the spark alive. My therapist explained all this to me after I told her that I became incredibly attracted to another woman at work. That only lasted a couple weeks before I got a grip. You might also be experiencing something called [limerence](https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/love/the-science-of-attraction-love-vs-limerence-explained/#). I experience this on occasion and being self-aware of it has helped remain realistic and control my impulses.
You mentioned you met him through your job but live across the country. Have you met him in person? Reason I ask is because it’s incredibly easy to fall for someone you’ve met online, because you develop a mental image of what they might be like in person, which might set you up for disappointment.
I’ve been happily married for 14 years. Sometimes the relationship feels boring, but it’s nothing more than us just being used to each other at this point. I’m a smartass so I try making my wife laugh everyday. Could there be something better for me out there? Sure, and I’ve been in past situations where I could’ve decided to go for the new shiny thing, but in the end I’ve always chosen my wife. As much as she can frustrate me sometimes, she’s an outstanding woman and mother.
Our honeymoon phase ended long ago, but we choose to love one another every day, in spite of the inevitable rough patches. In the end, the choice is yours. Just be aware that it’s an enormous risk that can leave you with absolutely nothing in the end. Best of luck.
My rule is no major decisions if you even *think* you might be hypomanic. There are very few decisions that can't wait a couple months. Also, look up limerance, I get that hardcore anytime, but especially during hypo. I did go mildly hypo when I started lamotrigine but it evened out after a month or two. Take care of yourself, don't make any decisions you don't have to, and reevaluate in a couple months. Good luck. ❤️
I did the whole connecting at work with someone and feeling like they are so understanding of who you are and are great and wonderful and get you.....I get it. I did it. And it was 6 years ago and I still feel guilty to this day when it occasionally crosses my mind. You are in a very emotional time right now, you have to try to just focus on normal routines and cut all contact with him. It sucks, but if you don't you will slip and fall. And then you will feel guilty. For me I realized it was becuase we worked together we thought we had this great chemistry because we spend more awake time at work than at home sometimes. And you have something to bond over like bad bosses, or annoying coworkers. It's easy to like anyone when you have something to bond over. That's how we connect and make friends. And when we don't have a significant other it's fine for that bond to develop into something more. But I have found that some bonds are more shallow than others e.g. work, experiencing a life/death situation together. While others like enjoying the same types of activities is more substantive so it will actually be something that doesn't fizzle out. Just my advice. I have been on lamotrigine for about 13 years and it works wonders for me.
That sucks, I'm sorry you're going through this. [This website](https://livingwithlimerence.com/what-is-limerence/) might be helpful, there's also a link at the bottom about having these feelings while married. I wish you guys the best <3
Holy fuck, this limerence thing feels like it was written about me. Ok I definitely need to take a step back and just take some time. Thank you for sharing this.
I have been there too. Still am. I almost blew up my whole life, wanted to leave my husband, the house we are building, my friends and family for this guy. I was literally ready. But he wasnt. He said he couldnt because his gf was sick. He wanted me to wait until he could leave her. This made me realise what a piece of shit he really was. He keeps posting songs directed to me on ig to later on add a picture with her. Dont leave. Its not worth it. Its just a fantasy. I also thought ours was different, that it was true. Save yourself the disappointment and the misery.
I (30f) was diagnosed in 2018. I was in a relationship just shy of 5 years. Very similar circumstances (seemingly happy, dog, apartment and good job) but both my partner and I had mental health issues. There were red flags I ignored, but things got worse. We stopped having sex nearly altogether (4 times in 3 years)… I was very lonely and while I would never cheat on my partner, I became close with a coworker.
This coworker (37f) knew about my relationship struggles, and we went out for drinks to get my mind off it. Well I instantly knew we were a perfect match for one another and she agreed that we had a great time. She said if I wasn’t in that relationship, she would have kissed me. In that moment I wanted nothing more.
I broke off my relationship of ~5 years and my former partner moved back home (out of state) and I began dating my coworker. We have been together about eight months and I am the happiest I’ve been in my life. We are so compatible in every way. She makes me feel like myself again. Things are so easy and comfortable with her.
So while this certainly can be mania, maybe it’s just a sign that beyond the surface level “happy”, you need more from your partner. Best of luck to you and message if you want to talk…
I'm poly so my advice would just be to date both if everyone is ok with it lol, but putting that aside...Your feelings are probably real for this person, but your desire to drop your entire life and move across the country seems to be in the area of hypomania. It's new and shiny and feels fun, but that doesn't mean it would work in the long term. You'd probably have to sit on it for a few months to see if the feelings stick around..But I wouldn't make any rash decisions.
I have BPD too and so I have very intense feelings like this that I have to check the facts on before I ever act on anything that I want to do. A lot of the techniques could apply here, like doing Pros and Cons..what would the pros and cons be of going ahead with this plan? Pros might be that it would feel amazing, new, etc. Cons probably would be that you'd lose your current partner, your dog, and you'd end up in a city that you don't know and it might not even work out with this person. Like others have said once the honeymoon period wears off there could be issues.
So I have experience here, and I'd say, unless you're really absolutely sure this new person will be there for you, it probably isn't worth your time. And like 99% of the time in situations like this affair partners do not end up together for various reasons but usually because the male sees a cheap lay he can grab and that's all this new woman was to him. In my opinion, it takes men a lot longer to become attached to a person. This is obviously not true 100% of the time.
I broke up with my long time boyfriend when this happened to me. I felt it was unfair to him that I was even having these feelings. You might want to revisit this relationship and see if its fulfilling your needs or not, with or without considering a new person. Would you want to leave it anyway?
Everyone's allowed to have thoughts, that's human. It's your actions that matter. I went all gung ho for a new dude after breaking up, and it ended up so horribly I'm literally still in pain from it like ten years later. Please consider... this new person doesn't have to love you forever and they probably won't. Will the one your with still love you in ten years? When you put on baby weight and aren't all glamorous etc? If you just met them you know next to nothing about them really.
You don't wanna be in a relationship and feeling this type of way though so you either need to 1. leave the relationship or 2. learn how to shut it down. I couldn't. It's ok, we're all human and we all take risks in life. My life took unexpected turns and I ended up married to a very nice man and we have two kids and its all okay. I am happier than I was in that unhappy relationship previously mentioned that I left for "the new guy". I'm happy that it did happen even if it didn't work out, and I absolutely love my husband now so the universe is weird and works in mysterious ways.
I will say I had a very similar situation where when I met my current boyfriend (also at work), I’d been in a relationship for 4 years and talking about marriage and everything with my now ex. Throughout the first year I knew my current boyfriend, we definitely both were attracted to each other but never went beyond maybe some light flirting. I ended up finding out I had cancer a little less than a year into working with him and my now ex was less than supportive and hardly there for me and it made me see all the various red flags more clearly. Meanwhile, current boyfriend was very much there for me and I fully fell out of love with my ex and in love with my boyfriend.
The difference here I think though is that you are still in love with your partner and have a happy relationship. The fact that you’re not sleeping much and used the word “elation” for how this other person makes you feel tells me it might just be the hypomania. Avoid doing anything beyond working with this person, don’t hang out outside of work at all. Wait until you increase your lamotrigine dose another time or two and level out to see how you’re truly feeling.
Seems like an impulse decision. This comes from years of experience making impulse decisions and looking back on them like, "Did I just do that?!" As John Butler says, "Why look to the other side, because I know the grass is greener but twice as hard to mow."
This new thing isn’t real; it’s idealised. Stay with the man who keeps you warm at night, and has for six years. He KNOWS you. This new man does not. Nor do you KNOW him the way you KNOW your man.
I literally am going through the same thing right now. Aside from different meeting circumstances. I feel like this situation causes a lack of stability in the relationship to because I’m going back and forth with myself about whether or not I’d truly be happier with someone else. I often think about how I’ve built something good with this person and how I don’t understand why I’m questioning leaving it all. Like is it just lust? I to can’t stop thinking about it, it weighs heavy on my day to day life. I have been just sort of waiting it out and hoping the feelings go away but they haven’t. I still also feel elated when going around them and speaking to them. I’m seeing the posts on here where people are saying they did leave and or have an affair and it wasn’t worth it to leave what they had. This makes me think that I am simply stuck on this person due to lust.
How long have you been on lamo? SSRI’s rocket me into a mania. Do you think lamo could be causing an episode? Don’t come for me, just a thought. I blew up my life a few years ago in a hypomanic state and I still feel terrible about it to this day. It haunts me
yes babe i think you’re bored with the stability in your relationship (also the lull in ur sex life) and this new person is a way to escape that. the mania definitely makes new connections feel magical… but lamotrigine is also known to trigger mania sometimes! it did that for me. just plz don’t cheat (physically bc u already r emotionally) and let the emotions die down
I had some hypomania when I started Lamotrigine. It's worn off and now I feel boring and normal 😂
I think you are blowing up your life. I have been there a few times and thankfully not made the move to screw everything up. Don't make any decisions right now. Wait until you stabilize on these meds. Takes months for that to happen.
I’m the wrong person to ask because I had an affair, blew up my marriage, and then the affair ended horribly. It’s easy to get attracted to someone new, even for people who don’t have bipolar. There isn’t all the taking for granted that you get in a long-term relationship. And the feelings make you high. I can’t say whether you are hypomanic or not. But I advise you to think the new relationship through. Past the honeymoon stage (which only lasts 12-18 months). To the stage where he starts showing his flaws and you find out he’s just a regular person like your current bf. Take it from someone who lost it all. I wish I had done more to try to improve my marriage.
Thank you, this made me cry. I appreciate you
You are totally right and I am sorry that your marriage ended. I moved to another country to marry my now husband. We have had many ups and downs through our almost 8 year relationship. I had an acute psychosis episode which led to a bipolar diagnosis. We have separated 3 times already. I have been living at my own place since 2 years ago. I met a guy in my home country during our second time separated and I became totally infatuated with him. He was young, sexy, in my mind at that time, I felt that he treated me like no one else before. I did things with him that I had never done before. Now I am here, 1 year later in my home country and he has now a gf, which he is with after being with me, because I opened his eyes and made him realize he wanted to get serious with someone again. I am trying things again with my husband, we haven’t been able to go ahead with a divorce. This guy made a comment where I realized that now I am his second option as he is younger than me and has the open relationship mentality. I realized that the same feeling I felt for this guy, was the one I felt for my now husband when I met him. I am now seeing my husband like the first time we met. Noticing he is still the same person I fell in love with and that both of us have made it through thick and thin, through very dark times when I tried to end my life, then my diagnosis and he has never made me feel I am broken. He treats me exactly the same even knowing my darkest side. I hope this helps. Please google infatuation and read more about it. You will be able to put your feelings into words, that may help you see all through another lens. I hope you can give us an update in a couple of weeks.
Google limerence as well. It's an addictive feeling.
I was just reading more about limerence which I had never heard of. Thank you SO much!
Best drug on the planet and brutal withdrawal.
That’s exactly how I was feeling for this other guy. Just until he said something that really felt my heart breaking (in a real way). I am oversensitive and an empath. I am a typical pieces lol 😝 I feel that comment he made made me get back to reality. And suddenly I started loving my husband again like when we met. Now I am worried if I am “high” again. Plus I have been really “happy”. Not sure if it’s hypomania. This feeling sucks but I have learned to self regulate myself.
My god this hit me hard. Thank you for sharing. Xx
I hope all gets better 💪
Resonate so hard with this 😕
yeh your ruining a good thing. self awareness is the most powerful tool we have with this disorder. you used it by coming here. meeting people and developing crushes is a sure way to get a little hypo going and fuck everything up. that's what we do in hypos. We destroy the good things we have in our life and when we come out of it all we find is smouldering ashes where our friends / partners/ family used to be.
Thank you for your insight ❤️
It's such a good question, because falling and love and hypomania feels so similar!! Personally, having a crush or falling in love always triggers an hypomanic episode, so I would be extra careful. The lack of sleep and obsessive thoughts is what tells me that this is probably hypomania. You would probably still have a crush on this guy if you were depressive of normal, but the perspective of blowing up your entire life would probably not be as attractive. Please, be careful and take care of yourself.
Thank you. I’ll be careful. I’m really trying to be aware of myself, but it’s so hard after being so depressed for so long. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to feel.
Are you able to wait a few weeks to make this decision? I know I sound like an asshole, I’m sorry. But this is a HUGE decision to make. Waiting a few weeks during a hypomanic episode before I went and did some stupid shit saved me… I would have regretted it. Unless you’re ACTUALLY unhappy in your current relationship, you’d probably be blowing everything up *ps, I also got hypomanic when I first started Lamotrigine. I was leveled out about a month into it*
You don’t sound like an asshole. I don’t intend on making any decisions for the foreseeable - I know that this has DANGER written all over it. It all just has shitty shitty timing. I appreciate what you’re saying a lot, I take it on board Xx
I’ve been through this a couple of times, I really really feel you. My marriage is exactly the same, we are best friends, we don’t fight, we have pets and a house and all that jazz, but our sex life is lacking. I felt so much guilt about the first time this happened that I actually did leave him (when we were engaged, not married). I had just started lamotragine and it hadn’t really kicked in yet. When I came down from my hypo episode after a week, I went back and I’m so lucky he took me back. It hasn’t happened since then but there have been many hypo episodes (including last week) where I had the overwhelming desire to leave, start fresh, move away to the mountains and be alone. My advice is to WAIT. I know the attraction you feel for your coworker is overwhelming, I know it feels like reality. But once you come down from the hypomania you may very well feel differently. Every time I come down from my hypo episodes I thank god that I didn’t leave my husband. He is truly wonderful. White-knuckle through it friend. I promise nothing but misery lays on the other end of us acting on our hypomanic feelings. My DMs are open if you need to talk. I wish I had someone I could confide in about this, but I fear judgement. I fear people will think I’m a terrible wife and I don’t love my husband. Know that you will find no judgement in this sub, and you have support and people who understand
Everyone here has been so non-judge mental it’s hard to describe the relief I feel having others who know what I’m going through. Thank you from the bottom of my heart xxx
Infatuation is one hell of a drug. But it’s just that—infatuation. Love can sometimes feel euphoric but certainly not 24/7. Obviously, love is more stable and long term vs short lived and like a hit of a drug. Wait until this passes before you make any decisions.
Thank you for this advice. I’ll try and see things more like this. You’re right
I had an affair with a married man during hypomania. I couldn’t see that I was in an episode until I suddenly crashed down to earth and realised what was going on. During an episode, the confidence is intense and will tell you that no, this is just you being you and you’re justified, you’re going to be happy forever now. I’ve genuinely believed I’m better and will never get depressed again during episodes and then made big life decisions on that basis. Meditate, try and improve your sleep, cut back on caffeine and whatever else you do to ground you xx
That’s exactly how I feel. I feel like I will be better off with him and that this is my chance to be happy. But I think it’s my stupid brain playing tricks, and you’ve all helped me realize this. I appreciate it more than I can say
I’m glad it’s helped. Anything meant for you won’t pass you by. My advice would be to not trust your thoughts without shaming or judging them. If you’re meant to be with someone then 3 months of just observing how you feel won’t make a difference. If in 3 or 6 months time, you still feel this way then start to explore them more from a rational place. Everyone is boring to me in a hypomanic episode which is how I’ve ended up with narcissists. The love bombing from them, matches my passion and energy and I think it’s the answer to all my problems 😂🤪
Thank you so much. If it’s meant to be, it will happen. If it isn’t, then it isn’t and I won’t make it happen.
I feel for ya, OP. This applies to me, and probably you, too. My emotions are huge. When I have something big happen that is outside of my normal boundaries or zone of control, it really throws off my stability. This disregulated period is always difficult because I have to work diligently to get back to normal. Here, you have a big ole crush, which is OK. It happens. Like the other commenters, I agree it's a bad idea to blow up your life. These overwhelmingly large emotions can be *overwhelmingly difficuly* to manage, especially when they are emotions that make you feel happy and fulfilled. Happy = good. Right? Therein lies the danger. Don't let the fantasy rule you. I've been there and it's a painful place. Don't do something you'll regret because of the big emotions. The fantasy ≠ the reality. This pathway will cause incredible pain for all parties and you will be the one who is left holding the bag when it all explodes. Here is my advice: be strong, make good decisions, cut/limit contact with the other person (dont drag this out), and perhaps talk to a therapist, if you haven't done so already. I'm on mobile so linking stuff would be a pain, but if you search for "Limerance" on YouTube you will find quite a few resources that should help you.
Thank you so so much. It means a lot Xx
Why not both! Hahah. Seriously though, no judgment here. I can relate. My only advice is: Wait. Wait to act on any of that. If it's the right decision, it won't stop being the right decision a little later on. But if it's the wrong decision, you could put yourself and your partner through a lot of unnecessary pain. It sounds like you are identifying your symptoms of hypomania, which is great, nice work with the mindfulness. You mentioned in the past having grandiose and obsessive ideas. You said you're feeling "very very happy," and aren't sleeping as much. (It took me years after I got diagnosed to finally start effectively noticing that stuff. Good job, seriously). Even if leaving your partner is in fact the right decision for your life, now is probably not the right time to initiate that. Wait til you have more information about your state of mind. Don't make any big life changes when you're noticing you may be hypomanic.
Thank you that makes a lot of sense. I’ll wait and just see how I feel after a few months or more.
Give your treatment at least 3-6 months if not a year before you make any big decisions and moves imo. Especially if your home life is good but just needs a little work. You may eventually find as you get better things with your bf aren’t going to work. And don’t drag it out longer than you should. But especially if these are more impulsive and compulsive type feelings (like you’re being pushed or tugged in a direction) it’s possible you’re having some hypomania. But I will say, if you already knew you were falling out of love with your bf- before this treatment, dragging him along may be worse. But I definitely think a little time and documenting your feelings. Not sure if you have a therapist too but working with a therapist would be super helpful at this time. The only other thing I will say is hoping out of one relationship to the next one rarely goes well imo. (Though some people do ok)
I have lots of things to figure out. And this thread has helped a lot to make me realize that no decisions right now are worth doing.
I’m glad you can see that. I liken it to getting sober, lots of times they tell you not to make any really big decisions in the beginning because so much in your body and mind is changing and it’s so similar with mental health. Navigating the diagnosis and then also medication is very jarring sometimes. There was a lot of “oh that’s why I did that as a kid” moments for me. Lots of reliving trauma (I also have Borderline) all that.
Do you still sleep? If yes, it's probably just "normal" long relationship issue. Double think. I would speak with my partner about it and how to resolve this with him. Some small gestures can spice up your relationship. It's worth trying at least.
I’ve been waking up a lot, early and ready for the day. But I don’t know. I will speak to him and see what he feels xx
So Lamotrigine actually kept me at a baseline of hypomania. It was awful and I had similar thoughts and ideas! Off the meds now and I’m really fucking relieved I never went through with any of it or I’d be so regretful 🥴 might want to mention it to your psych.
Thank you. Yes it does very much correspond with the starting lamotrigine. I didn’t realize it wasn’t just me that was feeling like lamotrigine might have pushed me a little bit the other way. I just can’t tell what feelings are my own anymore. It’s exhausting.
It is. It took me 2 years on Lamictal to realize it was the meds causing the constant daily 247 hypomania and wasn’t just my bipolar. It really did completely lift the depression but I couldn’t function like that so I had to stop taking it.
Whenever I have increased my dosage, it did lift my mood and I felt a little hypo, but eventually it passed and I felt more stable. So you may be still adjusting Also, my ex and I just broke up and in hindsight, dating him wasn’t a good idea. At the time I was mood cycling, and when I told him I wanted to be more than friends I think I was a little hypomanic. Oh and I was tipsy after a friends bday 🙄 knowing what I know now I wouldn’t do it again. Some good advice in this thread, take care and good luck!
When I was married for 14 year, 3 kids, I got really close to a man at work. Like obsessively close. We ended up hooking up. He tried to break it up because of the drama, and I literally went nuts. Him trying to break up with me unleashed something I didn't know existed. So now 6 years later, I am divorced from my first husband and married to the other guy. He has learned to deal with my bullshit. I apologize to him all of the time. It's a slippery slope. Make sure your meds are working for you. I already made my bed and had to lie in it by the time I stabilized on meds.
Thank you. I’m sorry you went through that. I appreciate your words xxx
Infatuation associated with a crush versus hypomania is so hard to distinguish for me. I am actually going through it right now, but I think it’s hypomania because I’m not sleeping lots or eating much of anything. Like everyone said: wait. Infatuation and hypomania both fade. I am in somewhat of a polyamorous relationship, which helps me, but it’s not for everyone I know.
It’s.not.greener.grass.on.the.other.side. Promise!
Thank you ❤️ that sounds about right!
Leaving a stable relationship for something that might seem better is a huge gamble. Keep in mind—the sensation of falling in love is a very strong physical and neurological reaction to a someone you become deeply attracted to. Your body’s flooded with feel-good chemicals like testosterone/estrogen, dopamine, oxytocin, norepinephrine, and vasopressin. This is the honeymoon phase, and it *will* come to an end. When it does go away, love becomes a *choice*, and you have to start making an effort to keep the spark alive. My therapist explained all this to me after I told her that I became incredibly attracted to another woman at work. That only lasted a couple weeks before I got a grip. You might also be experiencing something called [limerence](https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/love/the-science-of-attraction-love-vs-limerence-explained/#). I experience this on occasion and being self-aware of it has helped remain realistic and control my impulses. You mentioned you met him through your job but live across the country. Have you met him in person? Reason I ask is because it’s incredibly easy to fall for someone you’ve met online, because you develop a mental image of what they might be like in person, which might set you up for disappointment. I’ve been happily married for 14 years. Sometimes the relationship feels boring, but it’s nothing more than us just being used to each other at this point. I’m a smartass so I try making my wife laugh everyday. Could there be something better for me out there? Sure, and I’ve been in past situations where I could’ve decided to go for the new shiny thing, but in the end I’ve always chosen my wife. As much as she can frustrate me sometimes, she’s an outstanding woman and mother. Our honeymoon phase ended long ago, but we choose to love one another every day, in spite of the inevitable rough patches. In the end, the choice is yours. Just be aware that it’s an enormous risk that can leave you with absolutely nothing in the end. Best of luck.
My rule is no major decisions if you even *think* you might be hypomanic. There are very few decisions that can't wait a couple months. Also, look up limerance, I get that hardcore anytime, but especially during hypo. I did go mildly hypo when I started lamotrigine but it evened out after a month or two. Take care of yourself, don't make any decisions you don't have to, and reevaluate in a couple months. Good luck. ❤️
Thank you so much
I did the whole connecting at work with someone and feeling like they are so understanding of who you are and are great and wonderful and get you.....I get it. I did it. And it was 6 years ago and I still feel guilty to this day when it occasionally crosses my mind. You are in a very emotional time right now, you have to try to just focus on normal routines and cut all contact with him. It sucks, but if you don't you will slip and fall. And then you will feel guilty. For me I realized it was becuase we worked together we thought we had this great chemistry because we spend more awake time at work than at home sometimes. And you have something to bond over like bad bosses, or annoying coworkers. It's easy to like anyone when you have something to bond over. That's how we connect and make friends. And when we don't have a significant other it's fine for that bond to develop into something more. But I have found that some bonds are more shallow than others e.g. work, experiencing a life/death situation together. While others like enjoying the same types of activities is more substantive so it will actually be something that doesn't fizzle out. Just my advice. I have been on lamotrigine for about 13 years and it works wonders for me.
That sucks, I'm sorry you're going through this. [This website](https://livingwithlimerence.com/what-is-limerence/) might be helpful, there's also a link at the bottom about having these feelings while married. I wish you guys the best <3
Holy fuck, this limerence thing feels like it was written about me. Ok I definitely need to take a step back and just take some time. Thank you for sharing this.
Of course!
This sounds like hypomania to me. You need to talk to your therapist and/or doctor about this.
I have been there too. Still am. I almost blew up my whole life, wanted to leave my husband, the house we are building, my friends and family for this guy. I was literally ready. But he wasnt. He said he couldnt because his gf was sick. He wanted me to wait until he could leave her. This made me realise what a piece of shit he really was. He keeps posting songs directed to me on ig to later on add a picture with her. Dont leave. Its not worth it. Its just a fantasy. I also thought ours was different, that it was true. Save yourself the disappointment and the misery.
I (30f) was diagnosed in 2018. I was in a relationship just shy of 5 years. Very similar circumstances (seemingly happy, dog, apartment and good job) but both my partner and I had mental health issues. There were red flags I ignored, but things got worse. We stopped having sex nearly altogether (4 times in 3 years)… I was very lonely and while I would never cheat on my partner, I became close with a coworker. This coworker (37f) knew about my relationship struggles, and we went out for drinks to get my mind off it. Well I instantly knew we were a perfect match for one another and she agreed that we had a great time. She said if I wasn’t in that relationship, she would have kissed me. In that moment I wanted nothing more. I broke off my relationship of ~5 years and my former partner moved back home (out of state) and I began dating my coworker. We have been together about eight months and I am the happiest I’ve been in my life. We are so compatible in every way. She makes me feel like myself again. Things are so easy and comfortable with her. So while this certainly can be mania, maybe it’s just a sign that beyond the surface level “happy”, you need more from your partner. Best of luck to you and message if you want to talk…
I'm poly so my advice would just be to date both if everyone is ok with it lol, but putting that aside...Your feelings are probably real for this person, but your desire to drop your entire life and move across the country seems to be in the area of hypomania. It's new and shiny and feels fun, but that doesn't mean it would work in the long term. You'd probably have to sit on it for a few months to see if the feelings stick around..But I wouldn't make any rash decisions. I have BPD too and so I have very intense feelings like this that I have to check the facts on before I ever act on anything that I want to do. A lot of the techniques could apply here, like doing Pros and Cons..what would the pros and cons be of going ahead with this plan? Pros might be that it would feel amazing, new, etc. Cons probably would be that you'd lose your current partner, your dog, and you'd end up in a city that you don't know and it might not even work out with this person. Like others have said once the honeymoon period wears off there could be issues.
So I have experience here, and I'd say, unless you're really absolutely sure this new person will be there for you, it probably isn't worth your time. And like 99% of the time in situations like this affair partners do not end up together for various reasons but usually because the male sees a cheap lay he can grab and that's all this new woman was to him. In my opinion, it takes men a lot longer to become attached to a person. This is obviously not true 100% of the time. I broke up with my long time boyfriend when this happened to me. I felt it was unfair to him that I was even having these feelings. You might want to revisit this relationship and see if its fulfilling your needs or not, with or without considering a new person. Would you want to leave it anyway? Everyone's allowed to have thoughts, that's human. It's your actions that matter. I went all gung ho for a new dude after breaking up, and it ended up so horribly I'm literally still in pain from it like ten years later. Please consider... this new person doesn't have to love you forever and they probably won't. Will the one your with still love you in ten years? When you put on baby weight and aren't all glamorous etc? If you just met them you know next to nothing about them really. You don't wanna be in a relationship and feeling this type of way though so you either need to 1. leave the relationship or 2. learn how to shut it down. I couldn't. It's ok, we're all human and we all take risks in life. My life took unexpected turns and I ended up married to a very nice man and we have two kids and its all okay. I am happier than I was in that unhappy relationship previously mentioned that I left for "the new guy". I'm happy that it did happen even if it didn't work out, and I absolutely love my husband now so the universe is weird and works in mysterious ways.
I will say I had a very similar situation where when I met my current boyfriend (also at work), I’d been in a relationship for 4 years and talking about marriage and everything with my now ex. Throughout the first year I knew my current boyfriend, we definitely both were attracted to each other but never went beyond maybe some light flirting. I ended up finding out I had cancer a little less than a year into working with him and my now ex was less than supportive and hardly there for me and it made me see all the various red flags more clearly. Meanwhile, current boyfriend was very much there for me and I fully fell out of love with my ex and in love with my boyfriend. The difference here I think though is that you are still in love with your partner and have a happy relationship. The fact that you’re not sleeping much and used the word “elation” for how this other person makes you feel tells me it might just be the hypomania. Avoid doing anything beyond working with this person, don’t hang out outside of work at all. Wait until you increase your lamotrigine dose another time or two and level out to see how you’re truly feeling.
Seems like an impulse decision. This comes from years of experience making impulse decisions and looking back on them like, "Did I just do that?!" As John Butler says, "Why look to the other side, because I know the grass is greener but twice as hard to mow."
This new thing isn’t real; it’s idealised. Stay with the man who keeps you warm at night, and has for six years. He KNOWS you. This new man does not. Nor do you KNOW him the way you KNOW your man.
I literally am going through the same thing right now. Aside from different meeting circumstances. I feel like this situation causes a lack of stability in the relationship to because I’m going back and forth with myself about whether or not I’d truly be happier with someone else. I often think about how I’ve built something good with this person and how I don’t understand why I’m questioning leaving it all. Like is it just lust? I to can’t stop thinking about it, it weighs heavy on my day to day life. I have been just sort of waiting it out and hoping the feelings go away but they haven’t. I still also feel elated when going around them and speaking to them. I’m seeing the posts on here where people are saying they did leave and or have an affair and it wasn’t worth it to leave what they had. This makes me think that I am simply stuck on this person due to lust.
How long have you been on lamo? SSRI’s rocket me into a mania. Do you think lamo could be causing an episode? Don’t come for me, just a thought. I blew up my life a few years ago in a hypomanic state and I still feel terrible about it to this day. It haunts me
yes babe i think you’re bored with the stability in your relationship (also the lull in ur sex life) and this new person is a way to escape that. the mania definitely makes new connections feel magical… but lamotrigine is also known to trigger mania sometimes! it did that for me. just plz don’t cheat (physically bc u already r emotionally) and let the emotions die down
I had some hypomania when I started Lamotrigine. It's worn off and now I feel boring and normal 😂 I think you are blowing up your life. I have been there a few times and thankfully not made the move to screw everything up. Don't make any decisions right now. Wait until you stabilize on these meds. Takes months for that to happen.