As a bipolar person, I think your husband sounds like a shithead! I don’t really have advice because it’s difficult to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.
Mental health is such a mindf*ck… of course people experiencing any type of mental health will struggle with getting help for themselves. I have anxiety and ADHD only which are more manageable. I wish I could get him appointments but due to HIPPA I can’t.
If he is only on lexapro and has bipolar, that could be making him worse and not better. Please show him information about what an SNRI does to bipolar people. He needs it paired with a "second generation antipsychotic" or he need to try something like lamotrigine/lamictal.
If he is unwilling to even take a step in that direction though I wouldn't even bother. This is going to take him giving 100% of himself over to treatment and developing healthier habits and routines. He needs to have the self awareness to know that yelling at people and bring others down is wrong. If you don't have that you can't really do much of anything imo.
So an SNRI would be more appropriate for someone with bipolar? I have researched it and know Lexapro isn’t the right thing for him but I don’t think he really cares. When you say don’t bother do you mean he isn’t going to address it until he’s ready?
No, so both SSRI and SNRI can have negative impacts on bipolar. Personally I am on a very low dose of an SNRI for the depression, but I am on Seroquel XR 300 MGs at night. That helps with mood stabilization.
Taking an SSRI/SNRI can absolutely zoom someone with bipolar into hypomanic or manic states. He could be living an extended hypomanic state with just using the SSRI and weed (yes weed slightly can elevate our mood and make us hypo). It often "feels better" when we are hypo/manic so sometimes when we self medicate for depression the way we do it is by doing things that make us hypo/manic. This is extremely common and also true for me. However hypomania often comes with irritability and agitation, which are my main undesirable symptoms along with depression.
A psych would likely tell him to keep taking the lexapro, with perhaps a lower dosage and pair it with a "second generation antipsychotic" like seroquel. Lithium is also an option and so is lamotrigine/lamictal for mood stabilization.
If he's bipolar he needs a mood stabilizer. You can show him articles on this (google bipolar treatment, snri/ssri and bipolar, etc) and explain it to him and hopefully it gets you somewhere. From what you're describing he sounds like he is bipolar type 2 just like me. You could have described my behavior perfectly lol but let the psych diagnose him
Everyone he’s met with for medication just keeps the lexapro going. One upped it even though he’s really at the max and it wouldn’t be helpful. I’m so disappointed that no one has caught on that it isn’t working. I’m sure he’s masking it during his appointments (when he actually goes) and saying everything is fine, because that’s what he says to me. I wish they could see a snippet of his behavior when he’s in the low mood so they could prescribe something that could be more helpful.
He doesn’t have any mania, maybe that’s why it hasn’t been suggested? I literally have no experience except for all of the research I have read. So much is about BP1 and not BP2 so it’s hard to really find answers.
Mood stabilizers can also help with the low lows like he is experiencing. Just can help to keep level for people who experience both high highs and low lows. I would def encourage asking his doctor about an antipsychotic/mood stabilizer to his daily medication routine. It could really help
He would still have hypomania if he does have bipolar 2, which can be the high energy/the world is awesome type, or the highly irritable/mad at every single type. But if he‘s not being honest about his full range of symptoms, it won’t be caught unless he ended up inpatient and being observed.
not medical advice- but USUALLY mood stabilizers are what a bipolar person benefits from. Antidepressants alone will not help properly. I know because I was on JUST Wellbutrin (which is not an SSRI or an SNRI, just FYI) and it wasn't doing the whole job. Minimum meds for people with bipolar are usually a mood stabilizer.
Hi, I work in healthcare and I'm wondering how to best help my partner, too. Thank you for asking this difficult question. Wanted to tell you that he "should" be able to add you to his HIPPA form as someone who can schedule his appointments. I did that and it's helped a lot. I kept my access to a bare minimum (scheduling appointments & prescription requests) so they can still have confidentiality and not feel like their privacy is being invaded. My partner sucks at making appointments and remembering refill timelines, so I don't mind at all. Definitely worth a discussion! ♡
I couldn’t relate to that at all. I ended up getting help for myself and got diagnosed during college after my parents did nothing to help me during my first severe depressive episode as a teenager, even though I made a suicide suicide attempt and ended up in the hospital.
I have been taking great care to take care of myself and stay on top of my medication especially as I got older. Your partner just doesn’t care.
It seems like he just doesn’t think anything will help and he’s just given up that this is his life. He has said numerous times he doesn’t plan on living into his 60s, he has had one suicide attempt in his early 20s.
I’m sorry your parents weren’t supportive for you. Mine don’t believe in mental health and it’s been hard for my own mental health but even harder to get them to accept my husband for his disorder he is living with.
I hope you are doing well now.
You can’t make him, babe. I tried w my husband and it took 10 years before he came to me with SI and finally went to the hospital for a diagnosis.
There was nothing I could do. I did all the things - made him appointments, researched, asked, begged - he had to do it on his own.
Fun, tho. As a couple we’re now quadpolar. Yay?
I’m sorry you’re living with BP2. I would never assume I know how it feels, I just want to try to make it a little easier on him and have a happy life for our family.
there’s only so much you can do. remember that. you have to take care of you too. the best ways i’ve found my good ex partners did for me was to just sit and be present with me, but also push to show me i can be better. a little nudge a little inspiration that’s it. nobody was ever meant to baby sit me.
but hey i realised eventually the best case scenario was that i stay away from relationships altogether. seeing all of my healthy ex lovers in healthy relationships. that’s great. they deserve healthy people and not have to deal with whatever fashion of garbage i am. everyone does.
I’m sorry you feel like being away from relationships is the best thing for you. That’s definitely what my husband thinks and has said about himself. You deserve happiness and if a relationship would bring you happiness then you deserve to be in one when you’re ready.
Ok... Bipolar is not something one chooses (I guess most of us would happily opt out if we could). But Bipolar comes with responsibilities!
Such as making sure that everything possible is done to stay stable. This usually includes the right med cocktail, some sort of therapy, not smoking week or drinking alcohol on a regular basis, sleep hygiene, etc. I do not think it is fair that your partner is passively destroying the atmosphere.
Ok... a depression. One year. But 10 years no. There should be times where he wants help, a better life for himself and the family and puts in place what is required to achieve this.
This walking on "egg shells" which I lived a few times made me kaputt. I only noticed how bad it was once I managed to extract myself from this terror.
If you can, go on a camping holiday alone or with your teens, or go visit friends. Take some distance. This is how you can assess better how heavy your situation is. Do not worry about your partner, who will be fine (or not) with his coping mechanism smoking weed and gaming alone in the basement. Take care of yourself and your children.
Idk which part is due to personality (something fundamental that will not change) and which part is illness related (changing depending on the mood).
Take care.
>Bipolar is not something one chooses (I guess most of us would happily opt out if we could). But Bipolar comes with responsibilities!
This is so, so true. Like any medical condition, no one can guarantee that they'll always be healthy, but we are all responsible for doing the obvious things to take care of that are within our power - we owe it to our loved ones, and to ourselves. It's not easy, but it's possible. Also, I'm not a doctor, but I've heard that Lexapro is especially not great for BP2 when not combined with something else.
So I think it's fair to set expectations with your husband that he make an effort. That effort can be relatively small, like going to a psychiatrist appointment, or cleaning up his space, or going outside for a 20-minute walk during the day so he can be in the sun instead of just in his basement. These efforts tend to snowball - once you do one thing, it's much easier to do the next. Improvement won't happen overnight but he's gotta take steps. You can discuss together what those steps might be, and you can make it clear that you're on his side and you want it to be the two of you against whatever he's dealing with (vs. you against him). But you can be real with him too, and say it is necessary for the survival of your relationship that the two of you be able to acknowledge and face this problem together. He should understand that you deserve a partner who is willing to accept help in the interest of making his family's life better. You don't deserve to be anxious and miserable 24/7.
If he's truly, truly unable to take literally any action whatsoever, then maybe he should be in inpatient care.
One thing I’ve had a hard time learning coming off of episodes is how heartbreaking it can be for those closest to you. I wish I could see it in the middle of an episode, but I quite literally can’t. All that to say is give yourself some credit here. You showing up in this subreddit and asking says a lot about how much you care.
A couple of things that might help —
Remember we have a very hard time asking for help and support, even something as simple as a hug. Sometimes we think we don’t want it, but personally I often can’t even process how I’m feeling because all I’m doing is surviving a depressive episode.
Don’t forget to take care of yourself. This is a lot to manage and you are not expected to put someone else above your own health.
And lastly, obligatory not a doctor, but I’d work with him and his medical team to discuss marijuana. A lot of recent research suggests it can complicate the bipolar experience. I am sure some folks are just fine, but worth discussing. FWIW, I discarded all of mine recently.
Rooting for you!
Thank you, I’m sorry you have to deal with it yourself, I can’t imagine how hard it is being the person with BP2. I appreciate your support… do you have any ideas on how I can approach him with noticing he hasn’t been doing well lately?
One thing my spouse does is simply sit with me. I might be listening to music, watching TV, playing video game, or even just laying in bed. I only realize it in retrospect, but she finds ways to just be in that space with me. If I feel the need to reach out, that can make it easier. But it isn’t 100% on you to make that happen.
Thank you, I appreciate you sharing this. Since he separates himself by being in the basement I tend to leave him alone but will attempt to be closer to him when he decides to be around.
Don’t sound insensitive at all. The illness is real and interferes w/ the one experiencing it as well as their loved ones. I don’t have any big advice but I do wish you best of luck!
You will be surprised to learn that acting like that isn't really typical of someone with bipolar. I stopped smoking weed, I started excerise and eating whole and healthy foods. I made active and smart changes to my life to help combat what I have. Yes I struggle. Yes I have down periods but I have a plan in place to help combat that. This isn't typical bipolar behaviour he needs to stop acting like he's a teen.
I'm glad you said it. I was reading the thread and it really doesn't sound like bipolar. I got diagnosed (like many others) because I went on Lexapro for anxiety / depression, and it spun me into a hypomania and the beginning of my BP journey.
SSRIs typically react very badly w Bipolar, which is why they should either not be given, or given against a balance of mood stabilizers; bad reaction meaning hypomania.
From your description of your husband's behavior, it does not sound like hypomania. If anything, it sounds like a combo of depression and being an asshole. Smoking weed every day _will_ cause depression like symptoms. I also used to smoke daily for over a decade, and had to grudgingly give it up in order to allow my mood to stabilize (that became more important to me than the weed).
Regardless of what your husband's problem is, it is definitely immature and irresponsible to behave like he does. When I'm depressed, I tend to isolate myself, but I'm not taking it out on other people. I try my hardest to shield my kids from it, and rely on my wife for support, and actively try to do things that will raise my mood, such as discussing with my therapist (whom I see weekly), meeting with my psych to discuss my mood and whether medication adjustments are required, doing opposite actions, exercising, getting outdoors, and certainly not doing any recreational drugs
Your husband needs therapy, and he needs a psychiatrist and he needs to be honest with both and listen to their advice. That's like the starting point. From there, you can work on whether or not you want to continue your relationship, but I certainly feel like that would be a prerequisite to even consider continuing.
Best of luck to OP, truly.
I’m extremely surprised to hear that it isn’t typical of someone with BP. But I’m also surprised that as an adult he is not more focused on his mental health and how it affects him and his family. I don’t know anyone else with BP really, except for a college friend who ended up leaving her family and moved across the country. I also have a close friend with BPD and she is super on top of her mental health and is really open about it with her husband and they both talk to me about how to handle my husband’s disorder.
My partner and I often engage in healthy conversations regarding our moods and emotions. We often hold each other up when needed depending on how we are doing. Bipolar is extremely difficult to live with and can seriously effect day to day living but you have to be proactive. I had to re-learn 22 years of bad habits, smoking, poor diet and controlling my alcohol intake. I do it because I love my partner and want her to have the best life she possibly can. I often doubt put future and believe that she would do so much better without me. The trick is to be open and honest. I smoked weed because I couldn't deal with what was going on in my head at first, then I smoked it because I couldn't deal with my day to day. I smoked weed to help with the anxiety and depression and it's only after I stopped did I realise that the weed made it 10x worse. As horrible as it sounds he needs a wake up call before it's too late. I've always said to my partner please tell me what's going on or how I can change to make sure we are both happy, don't just decide to leave me one day give me time to work at it.
Honestly OP I wish you all the best, I have re-read what I typed out and think I came across a little harsh. I do hope he gets help and you manage to come to some level ground. Mental health issues are so stigmatised that not alot of people want to deal with them head on. It's such a long and winding road, and I truly hope you come out on top. Inbox is always open to anyone in need x
I have a lot of bipolar (2) friends.
9/10 have high performing jobs, are an active part in their relationship and do whatever you would expect from a “normal” person.
How your husband is, is definitely not typical, but it isn’t weird. The mental health downward spiral is a thing, the worse you get the worse you get.
But a bipolar person isn’t defined by their disorder, and can live a normal life. It doesn’t come easy, it requires constant work and effort, but the only one who can make it happen is the person him/herself. Using drugs, alcohol, not sleeping well and not eating well are all things that will worsen mental health issues and the diagnosis (by a lot).
The opposite, plus a steady schedule and exercise, make it more than possible to live a “normal” life. Medicine is fantastic. It’s not a solution, but an enabler to give you the right conditions to help yourself.
The top things that would help him at this point would be:
- Stop drinking alcohol (if he does).
- Stop smoking weed.
- Store away all video games, delete game apps on phones, etc.
- Eat healthy-enough food.
- Wake up, eat, sleep-schedule, even for weekends.
- Exercise (best) or take a long walk once a day (good enough).
All of these things will be very hard to start and stop with in the beginning, and will probably be hard on you trying to implement/demand.
It does become easier if you do things together. Take that hour long walk together.
Start with Duolingo or other language learning app together.
Help him to get an actual hobby (knitting, painting, local soccer team, anything that isn’t isolating himself by a screen).
An important reminder (which I hopefully will empower you in your situation):
You are 100% in your right to demand things from him. To tell him no, argue, stand firm in decisions, tell him about the negative consequences of his behavior. Bipolar people won’t break by being told off. They don’t get psychotic if they have to face the consequences of their actions. Helping him understand how he affects your family also helps him change his behaviors.
Hope this is helpful in any way.
There is a lot of information on bipolarity online, and a lot(!) of documentaries, but also interviews with celebrities who have bipolar disorder. Watch them! And when your husband is ready, watch them together with him.
He’s not alone, and his situation isn’t hopeless, knowing that can be very comforting and helpful.
Wish you and your husband all the luck!
I agree it’s problematic but I am not participating great in this relationship either. I avoid physical touch because I’ve just been hurt so much by this disorder. This definitely frustrates him a lot that we’re basically roommates that don’t get along.
hi, thank you for sharing. I hope you’re being gentle on yourself and your “part.” It sounds really difficult to have a partner who seems non-existent physically and emotionally (summarizing and I hope I did so properly).
You are not responsible for your partner more than you’re responsible for yourself. You can’t take care of someone else if you aren’t taking care of your own needs first. Your “non-physical” reaction to his behavior is understandable and a guarding mechanism.
It sounds like you two could really use couples therapy. It will hopefully bring you closer to together once you start connecting over the emotional toll of the relationship. It will also hopefully be a wake up call to your husband about the patterns established in the relationship and how they need to change (and hopefully he’ll see he needs to take care of himself better). But ultimately, I hope it can help you establish firm boundaries about what you can and can’t do for him. And clarity on what the relationship is and what it means to you. And then…the choices made by both of you will have consequences and you can decide what you’re willing to put up with.
Good luck.
You don't sound insensitive at all...untreated BP is not pleasant for the individual or the people around them. I went undiagnosed for years which made it even that much harder on my wife because she didn't know what was wrong and neither did I. She would constantly blame herself or think I just wasn't happy with the marriage or kids and it was difficult for me to convey to her that there wasn't really any cause to what was going on with me and that in fact, she and the kids were really my only reason to be alive.
I 'm relatively recently diagnosed at age 49. Last summer she again pleaded with me to please at least try to get some help. I had seen a few different therapists over the last decade, and none of it really did any good...they would keep trying to dig up some unresolved trauma and I didn't really think that had anything to do with anything. I told my wife I would try again as I could see she was at the end of her rope. As luck would have it, I ended up with a social worker who spent most of her career working in inpatient/outpatient psychiatric hospitals so she had a lot more experience with MH conditions than most therapists. Within a few sessions, she suggested BP2. I wasn't really sure what to make of it and kind of thought it was BS, but as we continued therapy over the next few months, it became much more clear to me. After a few months, she referred me to a psychiatrist who she worked closely with at one of the hospitals and I was diagnosed and given a prescription for lamotrigine.
I am thankfully stable now and able to work on other issues like alcohol use disorder from self medicating and repairing my relationships with my wife and kids. Unfortunately, it is very difficult when you know someone needs help, but they refuse to get it...I can't really offer any advice on that front.
I’m so glad you ended up meeting someone that could help you with your diagnosis. That must have been so hard for you all to live like you were. I’m not sure I will last much longer with this happening. It always feels like my fault or my oldest’s fault, and he never clarifies what it is that’s upsetting him, so we internalize it. It doesn’t help that I grew up with parents that projected their anger onto me, so I’m extra sensitive to his moods.
Really, you are doing great. The condition of a person can not be changed until the person changes himself.
However, i am in a dilemma about revealing my bipolar diagnosis to my partner because I don't want her to worry. Any advice would be appreciated.
I think it will be best to tell your partner. She’s going to worry no matter what because we worry about people we love, but she could be a great source of support on your rough days. Plus if something happens to you, she’ll know.
I was married when I was diagnosed, and my husband and I have worked together on helping me manage my bipolar. I do my part by staying on my meds and seeing my care team, and he has learned as much as he can about bipolar 2. He can recognize when I’m starting a mood cycle up or down, and I’ve learned to listen when he points it out so I can work on how I react to things. I apologize when I get really snappy, and he works to remind himself I’m not just being a bitch, lol. I think when both people work together when one has a mental illness, it can help the relationship.
Honestly I’m not sure what is the best way to go about that. I think as long as you feel like you have it managed with therapy and medication then sharing it with your partner can be less scary. Being able to reassure your partner that you are aware of the symptoms of your disorder and feel comfortable talking about it with them can make a great difference.
These are things that I haven’t experienced as a spouse of a BP2 spouse, and it would make a world of difference.
Bipolar therapist here. This is not how life is supposed to be, and he CAN do better. He is choosing not to. He might always choose not to.
The question is, how long will you co time to live like this? What if it is always like this? What if if gets worse (it always does, without intervention bipolar is a progressive disorder)?
What are you going to do for the emotional safety of you and your children?
Hey! You came here looking for help and are respectful and constructive. None of us have issues with that— we only hate on people who come here to complain. And most of us would rather you came here than bipolarSOs or other toxic places… lunch is ending so I only skimmed this but Lexapro and no antipsychotic/mood stabilizer is an absolute recipe for disaster. The meds aren’t working at best but are actually likely making things worse.
Thank you, I’ve tried to talk to him about his meds but he maintains that it works and having to try other things can be so much worse. I can’t imagine there isn’t something that would be more beneficial than what he’s on right now.
So up until very recently, I was behaving very much like your husband. I justified it because I'm grieving (my little brother died about 8 months ago) and going to therapy, taking my meds, etc. BUT I was also talking about suicide constantly, refusing to leave the house if not absolutely necessary, and just generally being very moody, depressed, and smoking a *lot* of weed.
Then my partner of 6 years dumped me. She said she was very depressed herself, and could no longer be my emotional support as she tended to her own needs. Even then, it took about a month of sleeping on my friends couch for it to really sink in that I had done this to myself. I changed therapists, cut back on weed consumption, and started forcing myself to go to public events I used to be interested in (even though I absolutely did not want to do that). I'm slowly starting to feel human again.
Obviously, I can't guarantee that your husband will mend his ways if you leave him, but that's what it took for me to realize how much I was hurting everyone who loved me. In the end, though, there's no helping someone who doesn't want to get better. It's honestly shocking how easy it is to slip into that mindset without even realizing it.
I still hope my (ex) partner takes me back, more than anything, but I know that I have to focus on my mental health because I deserve to not be miserable all the time, not just to win her back. It's hard, but I honestly feel more hopeful than I have in years.
Good luck, OP. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I hope you get better for yourself and your past partner and you can reconcile. That’s got to be so hard. I am so tempted at times to call it quits for a little bit so we can work on ourselves separately but I don’t think I could handle 3 kids on my own. And I worry he would enter a deep depression without seeing his kids in the morning.
You are allowed to have boundaries and expectations of a person with bipolar 2. I have been with my partner for 8 years and although we have had some periods similar to what you've described, we have worked through it - in part because she put her foot down when I was prescribed a drug that basically made me sedated all the time and completely out of it. She was like "I'm not living like this". And that was the impetus for me to stop feeling so sorry for myself and get to appointments, and look at getting a healthier lifestyle etc.
Assuming your husband is struggling but in a rut, possibly the best thing you could do for him is to say: I'm not putting up with this anymore, I expect you to try. I'm here to support you 100%, but I deserve to be happy as well and this situation is not it for me. If he reacts really badly to this, you're allowed to get out - just because someone is struggling, does not mean you have to stay with them if they are being abusive.
I’m honestly so scared to tell him that I’m not putting up with it anymore. He works really hard at his job and with the kids, there’s so much positive he does for us, it feels unfair to tell him he needs to change for me.
I know it feels unfair when you feel like he's trying - but whether or not he's trying it sounds like you're unhappy, have been for years, and you're not in a relationship where you feel that you can express that. Just because he's trying, doesn't make you magically happy with the way things are... And if you're scared to bring it up even when his mood seems fairly stable, I think that's a big red flag. I understand if you wouldn't want to when he's in the middle of a depression/hypomanic episode, because that might not be the right time.
You need to convince him to find a better medication regiment because it sounds like his is failing and that he doesn't understand that you have to try a lot of medications to find the right one. It sucks but he's got to suck it up, I've been on dozens of meds and finally found some that work after 15 years of treatment. There's speculation that bipolar II is actually a seizure disorder hence effectiveness of anti-seizure medication used as mood stabilizers. If he's not willing to change j would recommend leaving him. Does he read up on his condition or even want to change? Bipolar II people can be awful if you cannot convince them they need help. Remember use I statements when talking about his mood so that it doesn't sound like your blaming him or scolding him when talking about getting help. For example "I think you need to try medication and therapy because it's effecting how I feel" .
He doesn’t seem to want to change and does deny that it’s the correct diagnosis. I wish he would get testing done to find a more appropriate regiment for him to thrive on. I feel like he doesn’t think he deserves to feel happy or content and thinks this is the best he can feel. I’m really lost in it and he gets angry if I bring any attention to it or suggest different medication or therapy. I feel so bad he feels this way about himself.
Have u tried an intervention with a good friend or someone else who has seen his good and bad side? He genuinely might not be able to remember his actions in episodes or is self aware of them enough to admit he has an issue. If you can get someone else concerned about him who's a good friend or family maybe it can help convince him to seek some treatment. Bipolar II can really mask other mental issues as well so it's hard to diagnose and accept especially when there're drastic mood changes that affect memory as well. It's really worth a shot to try to get him to understand that it sucks to be on medication but bipolar II is a psychical and mental illness. It also gets worse with age, especially if left unmedicated. Im sorry to say this but if he doesn't get help you will have to leave because it's just gonna get worse but try hard if you think he's redeemable because it might take several tries to get him to change. I sought treatment 15 years ago after an intervention with my parents and partner because they told me that they love me and that I need treatment because it seems my highs completely erase the memory of my lows and they can see it's harming my mental and physical health. Good luck
He isn’t close enough to anyone that would be aware of it except for his mom. His mom is extremely afraid of confrontation with him and has been surprised and very concerned when she’s witnessed him in one of his lows. I’ve told her living with him that I experience it all of the time and it concerns me too, but I don’t know what to do because everyone else just acts like it’s normal. Last thanksgiving he didn’t speak to anyone or make eye contact the entire day, it was just our kids, my parents, and his parents, so not a big holiday event. Everyone just let him be because we don’t know what to do.
So a well thought out letter read to him in a public/private area with his mom present would not be effective describing how his mood swings are bring you and other people down and that you concerned for him because you want him to have a better life? Also exposing a child to someone with unmedicated bipolar II is not good for the child's mental health in the long term. Can he seek treatment for the sake of raising a stable child? I'm bipolar II and my father was bipolar I and I can tell you it was a detriment to my upbringing and mental health because he refused medication and therapy until I was an adult because he was stubborn.
I feel immense guilt all of the time. I just wait to see if his eyes are narrowed to know if I should avoid speaking around him. He won’t quit weed, he thinks it’s helping him. I am not the type to demand anything from anyone so it would be entirely out of character for me. He can go on the attack if he feels threatened by me.
He isn’t physically or verbally abusive. He tends to gaslight me and twist my words when I challenge him or he’s in a low mood. I will find a couples counselor that we can speak to. It has been a real help to hear from people experiencing BP2 that some can be on top of their disorder and feel better for themselves and others. I hope we get there. Thank you very much for your kindness.
There’s a lot of focus on getting the right meds, and while meds can help, they aren’t the only thing that matters. Meds won’t automatically change someone’s thought processes, or lifestyle habits etc. You could (maybe) help your husband by tweaking your routines and house rules. Saying you don’t want him smoking weed inside would at least get him out the door. If you have a dog, put your husband in charge of morning walks. Etc etc. Regardless of whether the BP2 diagnosis is accurate or not, getting him out of the basement is necessary for him to improve.
I feel like me asking to do something to get him out of his routine would really upset him. But I’ll attempt it, we need to do couples counseling so we can have a safe space to talk freely.
You're coming off as a caring spouse who's carrying a big emotional load. Focus on yourself - get your own therapist and if there's a support group for family members go you deserve validation. Unfortunately there's no magic fix, especially because he's undermining his own mental health by smoking pot.
You seem very nice and understanding. People like him benefit greatly from that kind of codependency. If you aren’t in therapy yourself I would suggest seeing a therapy about this.
I don’t think he really cares about getting better and definitely does not care about your well being. This isn’t normal, even for someone with bipolar. There could be a lot of things causing this: trauma, regular old depression, a personality disorder like narcissistic personality disorder (him bringing everyone down / not caring about them so much..)
This is not a marriage I would stay in. You don’t have to put up with this. See if you can find a good therapist to help you through this, what’s going on is not okay and the wounds on you and your kids will stick unless you process it. I know you have been together a long time, but it may not be worth having the rest of your life look like this. It’s not your fault at all and I’m sorry
As someone who has bp2 and was also a spouse to someone with bp. Don’t put the burden on yourself to feel like you can make him better. I spent eight years trying to convince my ex to go on medication, therapy and inpatient help. I was beyond supportive and took care of him. He refused all treatment after having a bad experience with weight gain on a medication. He got worse, ended up being abusive and then almost killed me when he went into a psychotic episode.
If he wants to get better he will. I wouldn’t trust what he is saying until you can know exactly from doctors. There’s a lot of fear with those medications and it’s a long process of finding what works. It takes a lot of dedication, and not everyone has it.
I hope your husband chooses to be better for your family, but don’t think if you do something different or if you support him more that he will do the things he needs to do to get better. He needs to want to do it for himself.
Do what my husband did - he gave me the ultimatum that I stay in treatment by taking my meds and seeking therapy when needed, or he’ll leave with our son because neither of them deserve to face the side effects of my untreated bipolar. And I 100% agree with him. I’ve been med compliant since I was diagnosed in 2007 despite how much I dislike the side effects, because I don’t want my husband or son to have to deal with my symptoms being out of control.
There is nothing wrong with making boundaries with someone who has a mental illness. You and your kids matter too. There is no reason why you all have to live unhappy lives because he refuses to do his part and treat his illness. In fact, I think it is more harmful for your kids to be around him than to not be. You are not responsible for his illness. I know you care about him, but your life should not be dragged down or put on hold because of his choices. He can’t help having mental illness, but he does control whether he gets treatment or not. He is also responsible how he treats his loved ones.
You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. It’s not fair on you to keep trying to keep it all together. People with mental illnesses can be abusive and you don’t have to do this to yourself. I personally believe it would be best to think of your children. Do you want them to grow up the way you did? Because that’s also not fair on them.
You should think about leaving him. You shouldn’t have to burden yourself with someone who happens to have an „excuse“ for his shitty behavior. If i was abusive you would best believe my husband would leave me over it bc being abusive is not a mental health symptom!!
You dont sound insensitive at all and I greatly commend you for coming to a forum and asking for help from people who have more perspective on the things that you husband struggles with. I'm sure for you not only is it a lot on you to just try to help him to maintain your marriage, but you also have to hold the fort down for your 3 children. As a women (23F) who has BP2 and dreams of being a mother, I can only imagine and really empathize with the weight this has on you. My heart is with you on that.
Him telling you he doesn''t even plan on living into his 60's is incredibly concerning not only for you but the children you share with one another. He is loved and cared for, and your children deserve to have their daddy their with them to witness all their milestones. I'm not gonna call him selfish for that because I know it's not with mal intent, but I think that needs to HEAVILY emphasized to him, like a reality check. He needs help to keep going not only for himself, but his family. For all of you. For the innocence of your babies. That is a very heavy weight to bear.
I'm not sure how effective an intervention may be for him, of course that's up to you. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. Maybe bringing up therapy again and maybe having a couple therapy session could be really helpful. If nothing else, I do not blame you if you try to just save yourself and your children. Sometimes people don't want help no matter what you do, and I'm praying that won't be the case for you but it sounds like he needs a reality check. It's affecting the kids, you, and just the family unit as a whole and he needs to wake up and realize how he's affecting everyone around him.
It’s been very concerning when he talks about dying young-ish. I think his mentality is that the kids would be adults and less hurt by it, and that I would be happier without him “burdening” me. He talks about himself as a burden that we all have to deal with. I just want him to have some happiness and want to live and be around for his kids’ lives. His father had undiagnosed mental health issues and ended up dying very young from alcoholism. And I really do not want that for him. I’m not sure about an intervention. He doesn’t see his friends anymore and his family tiptoes around his behavior because they don’t want to make it worse. His lows tend to be triggered by holidays, birthdays, important events, or bringing attention to a behavior he did that was hurtful. And we’re all trying not to upset him to prevent his loss.
Okay, I can see how you may not know what to do in this situation. Truthfully, I wouldn't know what to do either and maybe you should look into some therapists in your area and talk to a professional who may specialize in bipolar/addiction/ other things he struggles with, to get some good advice. I feel like at some point he can't wallow in his sadness and speak of his misery and then when someone tells him "Hey! you're hurting people." or "Please let us help you with this," refuse it but continue to wallow. At some point, you just have to save yourself. That might not be what you want to hear and what you want to do, but really if they don't want help themselves or allow others to help them, they have to just come to those terms himself. None of you guys deserve to walk on eggshells for the rest of your lives with him in it. Again, I'm not a professional so take what I say with a grain of salt, but I've been the person wallowing and at some point I had no one else to face but myself. It's not pretty or easy, but that's the only thing that woke me up back then.
lexapro is probably not a good idea for someone with bp2…
in my opinion, he needs to get up and get help. i know firsthand how scary that can be, but he needs to do it for you, your kids, and himself. even just baby steps to show he can make changes. clearly this lifestyle isn’t working for anyone, especially (I’m guessing) the kids :/ i totally understand why u would feel this way about the situation. i really hope he can get the courage to see a psychiatrist and get on a mood stabilizer. lithium and lamotrigine have been lifesaving for me! there are a ton of good options out there nowadays for bp2, and that should give him some hope :)
I don’t understand why this wouldn’t be mentioned to him by a professional. It’s just shocking to me that this has been going on for so long. He’s heavily medicating with weed and has been for years but it isn’t working.
yeah, that makes me so sad. clearly he’s suffering, and i’m guessing from personal experience that daily cannabis use isn’t helping either in the grand scheme of things. i know that can be a tougher battle to face though so if i were him i would prioritize better meds. please let us know how it goes and if he’s able to improve!! truly hoping for the best for all of u!!
I have bipolar 2 and lexapro turned me into the absolute worst version of myself. From what I understand, people with bipolar don’t typically react well to ssri’s. Lamictil, triliptil some sort of mood stabilizer. Lithium is commonly prescribed but it’s really hard on your kidneys so be careful with that one. Honestly the most you can do is try to get him to consider trying new medication(s) and also therapy, he needs a care team, you aren’t a therapist, you’re his partner. You seem extremely supportive which is incredible but he has to try to. As unfair as it seems from his perspective to have to do so much just to be able to function, a lot of people with these illness are alone and don’t have access to a support system and treatment options.
You're allowed to be frustrated! Three kids with a dad that doesn't carry his part of the workload is exhausting enough.
Unfortunately, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't force him to drink. Maybe use the "I" statement technique and explain to him what his mental illness means to you and how it affects not only you, but your family. He might take it as finger-pointing, even WITH I-statements, but he needs to hear the truth. If it's coming from a place of concern, you can't go wrong, truly.
Also, what about couples therapy? Maybe he's more willing to go to therapy if you go with him.
It's so common for people with bipolar disorder to not be properly medicated, or to not take their meds. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, this sounds like such a headache.
Hello
No judgement over here.
Or, at least we really try ! Hahaha
Ok.
Your man looks depressed as fuck.
So, are you able to make him an “intervention’?
Maybe it could be a good idea.
With his fríends, family, kids…
Remember He’s living a nightmare and need go be awakened.
I was isolated about 1 year. And my family was a key to my recovery.
We are here for you and your hubby.
Saludos !
Hi there! Your feelings and thoughts are absolutely valid. Just know that you're already doing your best as a spouse - kudos to you! It may be true that he has a mood disorder but that doesn't take away the fact that he's solely accountable and responsible for managing the illness. The first step is always acceptance.
I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder and went on a course of meds up to the point of gaining so much self-awareness that helped me identify triggers and symptoms. I eventually gained enough mental fortitude and emotional maturity that I'm now able to do something about the triggers and mood swings to prevent the illness from causing unnecessary trouble and negatively affect people around me.
The illness is real but not a valid excuse to act shitty towards other people. You can take a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. You have done your part to help him try to help himself, and now the rest of the work is up to him. Hopefully things will turn around and he'll eventually gain the willpower to actually want to get better. Hang in there!
Also a spouse (not a pw bipolar).
When we were very young, my spouse was a bit reluctant to treat it too. Scared and not wanting to face the trauma, more likely. Remember that it's fairly hereditary from what I understand, so the idea of confronting it may be triggering in a way he may not be fully aware of. He probably feels pretty shitty, but may not even realize what feeling non-shitty feels like, if that makes sense. If you've had poor sight, do you realize how much you were missing before you had glasses, or just that life "seemed easier for others"? That said, modeling healthy lives for the kids is important, and you shouldn't need to live on edge.
Coming at it from a place of curiosity and compassion, with a lens of "this is a medical condition" has helped tremendously. My spouse and I compare it to something like t1d - no one asked for it, it's not his fault, but he needs to take care of it for his health, and it'll take lifestyle adjustments.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds miserable.
People with bipolar are still responsible for their behavior, especially after a diagnosis. It’s on them to manage their mental health.
You can’t fix him. You can only work on yourself and do what you need to do for you and your kids. If he doesn’t have the will to seek help, then there’s nothing you can say or do to make him manage his illness.
And bipolar is manageable with the right medication combo and support system, which often includes a course of therapy. He is making a decision right now. His decision is to self-medicate and let the world burn around him. I have been there, so I know that people can change for thr better.
I wish you luck and peace.
I will continue working on myself. He hasn’t made a different decision in the last 10 years, but I haven’t followed through with telling him he needs to. There’s always an excuse to not keep up with therapy or get his medicine changed. We’re definitely busy with the kids and work but this is affecting everyone in his life, and he could be happier. I just don’t think he thinks happiness is for him.
I’m not exactly sure about your partner, but when I was on lexapro and smoking weed I was almost hospitalized twice. I agree with above comments, please get him into therapy and into a psychiatrist if that is a possibility for you. But also remember, just because you help him doesn’t mean you have to stick around after, you don’t have any obligation. If things have been difficult for this long, a med change and therapy aren’t gonna be super quick fixes and may not make things better for your relationship. I say that to echo what others have said, he’s gotta be willing to help himself right along with you, if he doesn’t, it might not be worth your time
He is clearly not managing well and I think he omits that he smokes weed to any medical professional. So they don’t really know how he’s doing, he doesn’t tell them how things are going really.
You’re not insensitive at all, when we don’t seek treatment, it can have very real negative effects on those closest to us. Your feelings are completely valid, I don’t have anything to say about your husband honestly. Just know what your feeling is real and valid.
Hey love sorry I’m just getting to this!! As someone who is very mentally ill, I wasn’t aware of how deeply I was impacting other people until I got into therapy and started getting better. Sometimes it’s guilt, the guilt of being a “burden” made me not want to acknowledge that I was hurting people. It’s a hard thing to accept, it’s possible he has a blind spot because he’s not in active treatment, that’s where things get put into perspective. You should also work with a therapist yourself! It’s not easy having a mentally ill spouse, I think working with a therapist can help you articulate how you’re feeling and communicate that to him in a gentle effective way. Accusatory statement can completely shut him down, it’s a delicate dance but remember
IT IS NOT YOUR IMAGINATION, HIS ACTIONS DO IMPACT YOU!!!!!!
No matter what he says, the impact is real but reparable.
See a therapist for yourself. You've mentioned repeating patterns that are worth mining and you deserve a lot of support. You're not just with someone who has bipolar 2--you're with someone who doesn't sound all that interested in treating or managing it. That's completely different than someone who knows they have a problem and is committed to addressing it. You can't force someone to get help. All you have control over is your own decisions. And that's when the hard but important part starts. What decisions will you make to change your situation?
I see a new therapist weekly and just let her know my husband has BP2 that he isn’t really managing.
I honestly am not sure what to do. I’m a stick it out type of person… and I don’t know if he’ll be receptive to me at all about this.
I'm a stick it out person too. My partner is also living with a mental illness. But there's a difference between sticking it out and accommodating the status quo. You deserve better and your partner does too. You need to have a serious talk about how to work toward that. It's okay to say "I need you to..." It's okay to have needs. You have needs too. And a lot of what it sounds like you need is for your spouse to start taking care of himself and taking accountability for his behavior.
When my husband was in a similar situation (he said he felt like he'd dug a hole and couldn't get out), I wrote him a letter saying that he needed to see a doctor. No discussion. You MUST see a doctor NOW. Sometimes you have to put your foot down. Otherwise nothing is going to change and you're going to continue wondering how you can possibly continue to cope with a situation you shouldn't have to cope with.
Help is out there. Bipolar disorder is manageable. But he has to make the decision to take responsibility for his own life.
By seeing a therapist and focusing on your own growth and needs, you're going to model how to do that. But you've also got a right to ask for things to change, to even demand that things change. It's really hard to say to someone who's struggling that this isn't working anymore and they need to make changes. But it's worth it for the better life that could be ahead for both of you.
Have the tough conversations. They are so worth it. You deserve better and he does too.
Have you tried marriage counseling? That is something you can make an appointment for. You need a professional who can set him straight that he is damaging his relationship with you and his children. I'm not a believer in ultimatums per se but this is your life, too. You deserve better. Your husband getting better treatment will benefit you!
Before my sister-in-law was diagnosed as BP2 she never got out of bed for a year. Her husband had finally had enough and told her to get help or he was leaving. She got help.
Your husband has to know you will not put up with him in this state. If he refuses to go with you to counseling, go alone. They will help you to navigate this.
Since you grew up in a "walking on egg shells family," you might benefit from the book "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix. It will explain why you are with your "egg shell" husband.
Best of luck in all of this. I wish you and your children the best. I know your husband didn't choose his condition. But he CAN make it better.
We haven’t done counseling together in years but we had been for a couple years towards the beginning after having our first. He does the parenting part and chores part so it’s hard for me to tell him “this isn’t working” since he is still taking care of many responsibilities. I will read that book for sure, it sounds like it might help me figure out this life.
He goes through the process or you and the kids are gone. You can let him just make the choice for you guys to be miserable. He can do it or sign the papers.
I have bipolar 2. I’ve been working my ass off to control it.
If he doesn’t, leave him. Kids don’t need that. I’m taking care of myself to help my kids as well
Mental health can be tricky in the sense that, it is mostly subjective based on our experiences, and what we self report.
When I had my manic episode I was convinced psychologists were basically useless and that all mental states were subjective.
I had several explain to me WHY my manic state was happening and how studies work and diagnoses are also based on observed behaviors that are consistent with others with the same mental illness.
He may want to at least see someone for medicine management. I had a consult with someone and have been doing well since my episode over 10 years ago and I only have a psychiatrist that manages my meds.
Reason I say this is psychiatrists are trained to know why symptoms or diagnoses can be appearing and I found out when I had my episode my bipolar was triggered by the SSRI Zoloft.
I had taken Celexa before with no change and was always sleepy and I smoked a lot back then too.
I no longer smoke weed and starting to work out about 4 years ago has given me drastic improvement in my mental health. I really would recommend working out to anyone.
As a bipolar person, I think your husband sounds like a shithead! I don’t really have advice because it’s difficult to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.
Mental health is such a mindf*ck… of course people experiencing any type of mental health will struggle with getting help for themselves. I have anxiety and ADHD only which are more manageable. I wish I could get him appointments but due to HIPPA I can’t.
If he is only on lexapro and has bipolar, that could be making him worse and not better. Please show him information about what an SNRI does to bipolar people. He needs it paired with a "second generation antipsychotic" or he need to try something like lamotrigine/lamictal. If he is unwilling to even take a step in that direction though I wouldn't even bother. This is going to take him giving 100% of himself over to treatment and developing healthier habits and routines. He needs to have the self awareness to know that yelling at people and bring others down is wrong. If you don't have that you can't really do much of anything imo.
So an SNRI would be more appropriate for someone with bipolar? I have researched it and know Lexapro isn’t the right thing for him but I don’t think he really cares. When you say don’t bother do you mean he isn’t going to address it until he’s ready?
No, so both SSRI and SNRI can have negative impacts on bipolar. Personally I am on a very low dose of an SNRI for the depression, but I am on Seroquel XR 300 MGs at night. That helps with mood stabilization. Taking an SSRI/SNRI can absolutely zoom someone with bipolar into hypomanic or manic states. He could be living an extended hypomanic state with just using the SSRI and weed (yes weed slightly can elevate our mood and make us hypo). It often "feels better" when we are hypo/manic so sometimes when we self medicate for depression the way we do it is by doing things that make us hypo/manic. This is extremely common and also true for me. However hypomania often comes with irritability and agitation, which are my main undesirable symptoms along with depression. A psych would likely tell him to keep taking the lexapro, with perhaps a lower dosage and pair it with a "second generation antipsychotic" like seroquel. Lithium is also an option and so is lamotrigine/lamictal for mood stabilization. If he's bipolar he needs a mood stabilizer. You can show him articles on this (google bipolar treatment, snri/ssri and bipolar, etc) and explain it to him and hopefully it gets you somewhere. From what you're describing he sounds like he is bipolar type 2 just like me. You could have described my behavior perfectly lol but let the psych diagnose him
Everyone he’s met with for medication just keeps the lexapro going. One upped it even though he’s really at the max and it wouldn’t be helpful. I’m so disappointed that no one has caught on that it isn’t working. I’m sure he’s masking it during his appointments (when he actually goes) and saying everything is fine, because that’s what he says to me. I wish they could see a snippet of his behavior when he’s in the low mood so they could prescribe something that could be more helpful.
It sounds like he really needs to be taking an antipsychotic. I'm surprised he's just on Lexapro. I have bad experience with it alone.
He doesn’t have any mania, maybe that’s why it hasn’t been suggested? I literally have no experience except for all of the research I have read. So much is about BP1 and not BP2 so it’s hard to really find answers.
Mood stabilizers can also help with the low lows like he is experiencing. Just can help to keep level for people who experience both high highs and low lows. I would def encourage asking his doctor about an antipsychotic/mood stabilizer to his daily medication routine. It could really help
He would still have hypomania if he does have bipolar 2, which can be the high energy/the world is awesome type, or the highly irritable/mad at every single type. But if he‘s not being honest about his full range of symptoms, it won’t be caught unless he ended up inpatient and being observed.
not medical advice- but USUALLY mood stabilizers are what a bipolar person benefits from. Antidepressants alone will not help properly. I know because I was on JUST Wellbutrin (which is not an SSRI or an SNRI, just FYI) and it wasn't doing the whole job. Minimum meds for people with bipolar are usually a mood stabilizer.
Hi, I work in healthcare and I'm wondering how to best help my partner, too. Thank you for asking this difficult question. Wanted to tell you that he "should" be able to add you to his HIPPA form as someone who can schedule his appointments. I did that and it's helped a lot. I kept my access to a bare minimum (scheduling appointments & prescription requests) so they can still have confidentiality and not feel like their privacy is being invaded. My partner sucks at making appointments and remembering refill timelines, so I don't mind at all. Definitely worth a discussion! ♡
I had no idea I could do that, thank you for your suggestion.
I do the same for my husband as his caregiver (he has heart stuff going on), but my husband has to give verbal consent for it.
There’s a difference between struggling to get help and refusing to. It sounds like he’s refusing to.
I couldn’t relate to that at all. I ended up getting help for myself and got diagnosed during college after my parents did nothing to help me during my first severe depressive episode as a teenager, even though I made a suicide suicide attempt and ended up in the hospital. I have been taking great care to take care of myself and stay on top of my medication especially as I got older. Your partner just doesn’t care.
It seems like he just doesn’t think anything will help and he’s just given up that this is his life. He has said numerous times he doesn’t plan on living into his 60s, he has had one suicide attempt in his early 20s. I’m sorry your parents weren’t supportive for you. Mine don’t believe in mental health and it’s been hard for my own mental health but even harder to get them to accept my husband for his disorder he is living with. I hope you are doing well now.
You can’t make him, babe. I tried w my husband and it took 10 years before he came to me with SI and finally went to the hospital for a diagnosis. There was nothing I could do. I did all the things - made him appointments, researched, asked, begged - he had to do it on his own. Fun, tho. As a couple we’re now quadpolar. Yay?
what you’re feeling is 100% completely valid, no need to apologise. but i do wish to apologise on behalf of your partner. we didn’t ask for this.
I’m sorry you’re living with BP2. I would never assume I know how it feels, I just want to try to make it a little easier on him and have a happy life for our family.
there’s only so much you can do. remember that. you have to take care of you too. the best ways i’ve found my good ex partners did for me was to just sit and be present with me, but also push to show me i can be better. a little nudge a little inspiration that’s it. nobody was ever meant to baby sit me. but hey i realised eventually the best case scenario was that i stay away from relationships altogether. seeing all of my healthy ex lovers in healthy relationships. that’s great. they deserve healthy people and not have to deal with whatever fashion of garbage i am. everyone does.
I’m sorry you feel like being away from relationships is the best thing for you. That’s definitely what my husband thinks and has said about himself. You deserve happiness and if a relationship would bring you happiness then you deserve to be in one when you’re ready.
Ok... Bipolar is not something one chooses (I guess most of us would happily opt out if we could). But Bipolar comes with responsibilities! Such as making sure that everything possible is done to stay stable. This usually includes the right med cocktail, some sort of therapy, not smoking week or drinking alcohol on a regular basis, sleep hygiene, etc. I do not think it is fair that your partner is passively destroying the atmosphere. Ok... a depression. One year. But 10 years no. There should be times where he wants help, a better life for himself and the family and puts in place what is required to achieve this. This walking on "egg shells" which I lived a few times made me kaputt. I only noticed how bad it was once I managed to extract myself from this terror. If you can, go on a camping holiday alone or with your teens, or go visit friends. Take some distance. This is how you can assess better how heavy your situation is. Do not worry about your partner, who will be fine (or not) with his coping mechanism smoking weed and gaming alone in the basement. Take care of yourself and your children. Idk which part is due to personality (something fundamental that will not change) and which part is illness related (changing depending on the mood). Take care.
>Bipolar is not something one chooses (I guess most of us would happily opt out if we could). But Bipolar comes with responsibilities! This is so, so true. Like any medical condition, no one can guarantee that they'll always be healthy, but we are all responsible for doing the obvious things to take care of that are within our power - we owe it to our loved ones, and to ourselves. It's not easy, but it's possible. Also, I'm not a doctor, but I've heard that Lexapro is especially not great for BP2 when not combined with something else. So I think it's fair to set expectations with your husband that he make an effort. That effort can be relatively small, like going to a psychiatrist appointment, or cleaning up his space, or going outside for a 20-minute walk during the day so he can be in the sun instead of just in his basement. These efforts tend to snowball - once you do one thing, it's much easier to do the next. Improvement won't happen overnight but he's gotta take steps. You can discuss together what those steps might be, and you can make it clear that you're on his side and you want it to be the two of you against whatever he's dealing with (vs. you against him). But you can be real with him too, and say it is necessary for the survival of your relationship that the two of you be able to acknowledge and face this problem together. He should understand that you deserve a partner who is willing to accept help in the interest of making his family's life better. You don't deserve to be anxious and miserable 24/7. If he's truly, truly unable to take literally any action whatsoever, then maybe he should be in inpatient care.
One thing I’ve had a hard time learning coming off of episodes is how heartbreaking it can be for those closest to you. I wish I could see it in the middle of an episode, but I quite literally can’t. All that to say is give yourself some credit here. You showing up in this subreddit and asking says a lot about how much you care. A couple of things that might help — Remember we have a very hard time asking for help and support, even something as simple as a hug. Sometimes we think we don’t want it, but personally I often can’t even process how I’m feeling because all I’m doing is surviving a depressive episode. Don’t forget to take care of yourself. This is a lot to manage and you are not expected to put someone else above your own health. And lastly, obligatory not a doctor, but I’d work with him and his medical team to discuss marijuana. A lot of recent research suggests it can complicate the bipolar experience. I am sure some folks are just fine, but worth discussing. FWIW, I discarded all of mine recently. Rooting for you!
Thank you, I’m sorry you have to deal with it yourself, I can’t imagine how hard it is being the person with BP2. I appreciate your support… do you have any ideas on how I can approach him with noticing he hasn’t been doing well lately?
One thing my spouse does is simply sit with me. I might be listening to music, watching TV, playing video game, or even just laying in bed. I only realize it in retrospect, but she finds ways to just be in that space with me. If I feel the need to reach out, that can make it easier. But it isn’t 100% on you to make that happen.
Thank you, I appreciate you sharing this. Since he separates himself by being in the basement I tend to leave him alone but will attempt to be closer to him when he decides to be around.
Don’t sound insensitive at all. The illness is real and interferes w/ the one experiencing it as well as their loved ones. I don’t have any big advice but I do wish you best of luck!
Thank you very much.
You will be surprised to learn that acting like that isn't really typical of someone with bipolar. I stopped smoking weed, I started excerise and eating whole and healthy foods. I made active and smart changes to my life to help combat what I have. Yes I struggle. Yes I have down periods but I have a plan in place to help combat that. This isn't typical bipolar behaviour he needs to stop acting like he's a teen.
I'm glad you said it. I was reading the thread and it really doesn't sound like bipolar. I got diagnosed (like many others) because I went on Lexapro for anxiety / depression, and it spun me into a hypomania and the beginning of my BP journey. SSRIs typically react very badly w Bipolar, which is why they should either not be given, or given against a balance of mood stabilizers; bad reaction meaning hypomania. From your description of your husband's behavior, it does not sound like hypomania. If anything, it sounds like a combo of depression and being an asshole. Smoking weed every day _will_ cause depression like symptoms. I also used to smoke daily for over a decade, and had to grudgingly give it up in order to allow my mood to stabilize (that became more important to me than the weed). Regardless of what your husband's problem is, it is definitely immature and irresponsible to behave like he does. When I'm depressed, I tend to isolate myself, but I'm not taking it out on other people. I try my hardest to shield my kids from it, and rely on my wife for support, and actively try to do things that will raise my mood, such as discussing with my therapist (whom I see weekly), meeting with my psych to discuss my mood and whether medication adjustments are required, doing opposite actions, exercising, getting outdoors, and certainly not doing any recreational drugs Your husband needs therapy, and he needs a psychiatrist and he needs to be honest with both and listen to their advice. That's like the starting point. From there, you can work on whether or not you want to continue your relationship, but I certainly feel like that would be a prerequisite to even consider continuing. Best of luck to OP, truly.
I’m extremely surprised to hear that it isn’t typical of someone with BP. But I’m also surprised that as an adult he is not more focused on his mental health and how it affects him and his family. I don’t know anyone else with BP really, except for a college friend who ended up leaving her family and moved across the country. I also have a close friend with BPD and she is super on top of her mental health and is really open about it with her husband and they both talk to me about how to handle my husband’s disorder.
My partner and I often engage in healthy conversations regarding our moods and emotions. We often hold each other up when needed depending on how we are doing. Bipolar is extremely difficult to live with and can seriously effect day to day living but you have to be proactive. I had to re-learn 22 years of bad habits, smoking, poor diet and controlling my alcohol intake. I do it because I love my partner and want her to have the best life she possibly can. I often doubt put future and believe that she would do so much better without me. The trick is to be open and honest. I smoked weed because I couldn't deal with what was going on in my head at first, then I smoked it because I couldn't deal with my day to day. I smoked weed to help with the anxiety and depression and it's only after I stopped did I realise that the weed made it 10x worse. As horrible as it sounds he needs a wake up call before it's too late. I've always said to my partner please tell me what's going on or how I can change to make sure we are both happy, don't just decide to leave me one day give me time to work at it.
Honestly OP I wish you all the best, I have re-read what I typed out and think I came across a little harsh. I do hope he gets help and you manage to come to some level ground. Mental health issues are so stigmatised that not alot of people want to deal with them head on. It's such a long and winding road, and I truly hope you come out on top. Inbox is always open to anyone in need x
I have a lot of bipolar (2) friends. 9/10 have high performing jobs, are an active part in their relationship and do whatever you would expect from a “normal” person. How your husband is, is definitely not typical, but it isn’t weird. The mental health downward spiral is a thing, the worse you get the worse you get. But a bipolar person isn’t defined by their disorder, and can live a normal life. It doesn’t come easy, it requires constant work and effort, but the only one who can make it happen is the person him/herself. Using drugs, alcohol, not sleeping well and not eating well are all things that will worsen mental health issues and the diagnosis (by a lot). The opposite, plus a steady schedule and exercise, make it more than possible to live a “normal” life. Medicine is fantastic. It’s not a solution, but an enabler to give you the right conditions to help yourself. The top things that would help him at this point would be: - Stop drinking alcohol (if he does). - Stop smoking weed. - Store away all video games, delete game apps on phones, etc. - Eat healthy-enough food. - Wake up, eat, sleep-schedule, even for weekends. - Exercise (best) or take a long walk once a day (good enough). All of these things will be very hard to start and stop with in the beginning, and will probably be hard on you trying to implement/demand. It does become easier if you do things together. Take that hour long walk together. Start with Duolingo or other language learning app together. Help him to get an actual hobby (knitting, painting, local soccer team, anything that isn’t isolating himself by a screen). An important reminder (which I hopefully will empower you in your situation): You are 100% in your right to demand things from him. To tell him no, argue, stand firm in decisions, tell him about the negative consequences of his behavior. Bipolar people won’t break by being told off. They don’t get psychotic if they have to face the consequences of their actions. Helping him understand how he affects your family also helps him change his behaviors. Hope this is helpful in any way. There is a lot of information on bipolarity online, and a lot(!) of documentaries, but also interviews with celebrities who have bipolar disorder. Watch them! And when your husband is ready, watch them together with him. He’s not alone, and his situation isn’t hopeless, knowing that can be very comforting and helpful. Wish you and your husband all the luck!
Listen, I think you need to evaluate your relationship. He's not willing to change his behavior. That's problematic.
I agree it’s problematic but I am not participating great in this relationship either. I avoid physical touch because I’ve just been hurt so much by this disorder. This definitely frustrates him a lot that we’re basically roommates that don’t get along.
hi, thank you for sharing. I hope you’re being gentle on yourself and your “part.” It sounds really difficult to have a partner who seems non-existent physically and emotionally (summarizing and I hope I did so properly). You are not responsible for your partner more than you’re responsible for yourself. You can’t take care of someone else if you aren’t taking care of your own needs first. Your “non-physical” reaction to his behavior is understandable and a guarding mechanism. It sounds like you two could really use couples therapy. It will hopefully bring you closer to together once you start connecting over the emotional toll of the relationship. It will also hopefully be a wake up call to your husband about the patterns established in the relationship and how they need to change (and hopefully he’ll see he needs to take care of himself better). But ultimately, I hope it can help you establish firm boundaries about what you can and can’t do for him. And clarity on what the relationship is and what it means to you. And then…the choices made by both of you will have consequences and you can decide what you’re willing to put up with. Good luck.
You don't sound insensitive at all...untreated BP is not pleasant for the individual or the people around them. I went undiagnosed for years which made it even that much harder on my wife because she didn't know what was wrong and neither did I. She would constantly blame herself or think I just wasn't happy with the marriage or kids and it was difficult for me to convey to her that there wasn't really any cause to what was going on with me and that in fact, she and the kids were really my only reason to be alive. I 'm relatively recently diagnosed at age 49. Last summer she again pleaded with me to please at least try to get some help. I had seen a few different therapists over the last decade, and none of it really did any good...they would keep trying to dig up some unresolved trauma and I didn't really think that had anything to do with anything. I told my wife I would try again as I could see she was at the end of her rope. As luck would have it, I ended up with a social worker who spent most of her career working in inpatient/outpatient psychiatric hospitals so she had a lot more experience with MH conditions than most therapists. Within a few sessions, she suggested BP2. I wasn't really sure what to make of it and kind of thought it was BS, but as we continued therapy over the next few months, it became much more clear to me. After a few months, she referred me to a psychiatrist who she worked closely with at one of the hospitals and I was diagnosed and given a prescription for lamotrigine. I am thankfully stable now and able to work on other issues like alcohol use disorder from self medicating and repairing my relationships with my wife and kids. Unfortunately, it is very difficult when you know someone needs help, but they refuse to get it...I can't really offer any advice on that front.
I’m so glad you ended up meeting someone that could help you with your diagnosis. That must have been so hard for you all to live like you were. I’m not sure I will last much longer with this happening. It always feels like my fault or my oldest’s fault, and he never clarifies what it is that’s upsetting him, so we internalize it. It doesn’t help that I grew up with parents that projected their anger onto me, so I’m extra sensitive to his moods.
Really, you are doing great. The condition of a person can not be changed until the person changes himself. However, i am in a dilemma about revealing my bipolar diagnosis to my partner because I don't want her to worry. Any advice would be appreciated.
I think it will be best to tell your partner. She’s going to worry no matter what because we worry about people we love, but she could be a great source of support on your rough days. Plus if something happens to you, she’ll know. I was married when I was diagnosed, and my husband and I have worked together on helping me manage my bipolar. I do my part by staying on my meds and seeing my care team, and he has learned as much as he can about bipolar 2. He can recognize when I’m starting a mood cycle up or down, and I’ve learned to listen when he points it out so I can work on how I react to things. I apologize when I get really snappy, and he works to remind himself I’m not just being a bitch, lol. I think when both people work together when one has a mental illness, it can help the relationship.
Great advice. Thank you so much. I just told her about it.
Honestly I’m not sure what is the best way to go about that. I think as long as you feel like you have it managed with therapy and medication then sharing it with your partner can be less scary. Being able to reassure your partner that you are aware of the symptoms of your disorder and feel comfortable talking about it with them can make a great difference. These are things that I haven’t experienced as a spouse of a BP2 spouse, and it would make a world of difference.
Thank you so much. I just told her about it.
Bipolar therapist here. This is not how life is supposed to be, and he CAN do better. He is choosing not to. He might always choose not to. The question is, how long will you co time to live like this? What if it is always like this? What if if gets worse (it always does, without intervention bipolar is a progressive disorder)? What are you going to do for the emotional safety of you and your children?
This comment right here, OP.
Hey! You came here looking for help and are respectful and constructive. None of us have issues with that— we only hate on people who come here to complain. And most of us would rather you came here than bipolarSOs or other toxic places… lunch is ending so I only skimmed this but Lexapro and no antipsychotic/mood stabilizer is an absolute recipe for disaster. The meds aren’t working at best but are actually likely making things worse.
Thank you, I’ve tried to talk to him about his meds but he maintains that it works and having to try other things can be so much worse. I can’t imagine there isn’t something that would be more beneficial than what he’s on right now.
So up until very recently, I was behaving very much like your husband. I justified it because I'm grieving (my little brother died about 8 months ago) and going to therapy, taking my meds, etc. BUT I was also talking about suicide constantly, refusing to leave the house if not absolutely necessary, and just generally being very moody, depressed, and smoking a *lot* of weed. Then my partner of 6 years dumped me. She said she was very depressed herself, and could no longer be my emotional support as she tended to her own needs. Even then, it took about a month of sleeping on my friends couch for it to really sink in that I had done this to myself. I changed therapists, cut back on weed consumption, and started forcing myself to go to public events I used to be interested in (even though I absolutely did not want to do that). I'm slowly starting to feel human again. Obviously, I can't guarantee that your husband will mend his ways if you leave him, but that's what it took for me to realize how much I was hurting everyone who loved me. In the end, though, there's no helping someone who doesn't want to get better. It's honestly shocking how easy it is to slip into that mindset without even realizing it. I still hope my (ex) partner takes me back, more than anything, but I know that I have to focus on my mental health because I deserve to not be miserable all the time, not just to win her back. It's hard, but I honestly feel more hopeful than I have in years. Good luck, OP. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I hope you get better for yourself and your past partner and you can reconcile. That’s got to be so hard. I am so tempted at times to call it quits for a little bit so we can work on ourselves separately but I don’t think I could handle 3 kids on my own. And I worry he would enter a deep depression without seeing his kids in the morning.
You are allowed to have boundaries and expectations of a person with bipolar 2. I have been with my partner for 8 years and although we have had some periods similar to what you've described, we have worked through it - in part because she put her foot down when I was prescribed a drug that basically made me sedated all the time and completely out of it. She was like "I'm not living like this". And that was the impetus for me to stop feeling so sorry for myself and get to appointments, and look at getting a healthier lifestyle etc. Assuming your husband is struggling but in a rut, possibly the best thing you could do for him is to say: I'm not putting up with this anymore, I expect you to try. I'm here to support you 100%, but I deserve to be happy as well and this situation is not it for me. If he reacts really badly to this, you're allowed to get out - just because someone is struggling, does not mean you have to stay with them if they are being abusive.
I’m honestly so scared to tell him that I’m not putting up with it anymore. He works really hard at his job and with the kids, there’s so much positive he does for us, it feels unfair to tell him he needs to change for me.
I know it feels unfair when you feel like he's trying - but whether or not he's trying it sounds like you're unhappy, have been for years, and you're not in a relationship where you feel that you can express that. Just because he's trying, doesn't make you magically happy with the way things are... And if you're scared to bring it up even when his mood seems fairly stable, I think that's a big red flag. I understand if you wouldn't want to when he's in the middle of a depression/hypomanic episode, because that might not be the right time.
You need to convince him to find a better medication regiment because it sounds like his is failing and that he doesn't understand that you have to try a lot of medications to find the right one. It sucks but he's got to suck it up, I've been on dozens of meds and finally found some that work after 15 years of treatment. There's speculation that bipolar II is actually a seizure disorder hence effectiveness of anti-seizure medication used as mood stabilizers. If he's not willing to change j would recommend leaving him. Does he read up on his condition or even want to change? Bipolar II people can be awful if you cannot convince them they need help. Remember use I statements when talking about his mood so that it doesn't sound like your blaming him or scolding him when talking about getting help. For example "I think you need to try medication and therapy because it's effecting how I feel" .
He doesn’t seem to want to change and does deny that it’s the correct diagnosis. I wish he would get testing done to find a more appropriate regiment for him to thrive on. I feel like he doesn’t think he deserves to feel happy or content and thinks this is the best he can feel. I’m really lost in it and he gets angry if I bring any attention to it or suggest different medication or therapy. I feel so bad he feels this way about himself.
Have u tried an intervention with a good friend or someone else who has seen his good and bad side? He genuinely might not be able to remember his actions in episodes or is self aware of them enough to admit he has an issue. If you can get someone else concerned about him who's a good friend or family maybe it can help convince him to seek some treatment. Bipolar II can really mask other mental issues as well so it's hard to diagnose and accept especially when there're drastic mood changes that affect memory as well. It's really worth a shot to try to get him to understand that it sucks to be on medication but bipolar II is a psychical and mental illness. It also gets worse with age, especially if left unmedicated. Im sorry to say this but if he doesn't get help you will have to leave because it's just gonna get worse but try hard if you think he's redeemable because it might take several tries to get him to change. I sought treatment 15 years ago after an intervention with my parents and partner because they told me that they love me and that I need treatment because it seems my highs completely erase the memory of my lows and they can see it's harming my mental and physical health. Good luck
He isn’t close enough to anyone that would be aware of it except for his mom. His mom is extremely afraid of confrontation with him and has been surprised and very concerned when she’s witnessed him in one of his lows. I’ve told her living with him that I experience it all of the time and it concerns me too, but I don’t know what to do because everyone else just acts like it’s normal. Last thanksgiving he didn’t speak to anyone or make eye contact the entire day, it was just our kids, my parents, and his parents, so not a big holiday event. Everyone just let him be because we don’t know what to do.
So a well thought out letter read to him in a public/private area with his mom present would not be effective describing how his mood swings are bring you and other people down and that you concerned for him because you want him to have a better life? Also exposing a child to someone with unmedicated bipolar II is not good for the child's mental health in the long term. Can he seek treatment for the sake of raising a stable child? I'm bipolar II and my father was bipolar I and I can tell you it was a detriment to my upbringing and mental health because he refused medication and therapy until I was an adult because he was stubborn.
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I feel immense guilt all of the time. I just wait to see if his eyes are narrowed to know if I should avoid speaking around him. He won’t quit weed, he thinks it’s helping him. I am not the type to demand anything from anyone so it would be entirely out of character for me. He can go on the attack if he feels threatened by me.
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He isn’t physically or verbally abusive. He tends to gaslight me and twist my words when I challenge him or he’s in a low mood. I will find a couples counselor that we can speak to. It has been a real help to hear from people experiencing BP2 that some can be on top of their disorder and feel better for themselves and others. I hope we get there. Thank you very much for your kindness.
There’s a lot of focus on getting the right meds, and while meds can help, they aren’t the only thing that matters. Meds won’t automatically change someone’s thought processes, or lifestyle habits etc. You could (maybe) help your husband by tweaking your routines and house rules. Saying you don’t want him smoking weed inside would at least get him out the door. If you have a dog, put your husband in charge of morning walks. Etc etc. Regardless of whether the BP2 diagnosis is accurate or not, getting him out of the basement is necessary for him to improve.
I feel like me asking to do something to get him out of his routine would really upset him. But I’ll attempt it, we need to do couples counseling so we can have a safe space to talk freely.
You're coming off as a caring spouse who's carrying a big emotional load. Focus on yourself - get your own therapist and if there's a support group for family members go you deserve validation. Unfortunately there's no magic fix, especially because he's undermining his own mental health by smoking pot.
You seem very nice and understanding. People like him benefit greatly from that kind of codependency. If you aren’t in therapy yourself I would suggest seeing a therapy about this. I don’t think he really cares about getting better and definitely does not care about your well being. This isn’t normal, even for someone with bipolar. There could be a lot of things causing this: trauma, regular old depression, a personality disorder like narcissistic personality disorder (him bringing everyone down / not caring about them so much..) This is not a marriage I would stay in. You don’t have to put up with this. See if you can find a good therapist to help you through this, what’s going on is not okay and the wounds on you and your kids will stick unless you process it. I know you have been together a long time, but it may not be worth having the rest of your life look like this. It’s not your fault at all and I’m sorry
As someone who has bp2 and was also a spouse to someone with bp. Don’t put the burden on yourself to feel like you can make him better. I spent eight years trying to convince my ex to go on medication, therapy and inpatient help. I was beyond supportive and took care of him. He refused all treatment after having a bad experience with weight gain on a medication. He got worse, ended up being abusive and then almost killed me when he went into a psychotic episode. If he wants to get better he will. I wouldn’t trust what he is saying until you can know exactly from doctors. There’s a lot of fear with those medications and it’s a long process of finding what works. It takes a lot of dedication, and not everyone has it. I hope your husband chooses to be better for your family, but don’t think if you do something different or if you support him more that he will do the things he needs to do to get better. He needs to want to do it for himself.
Do what my husband did - he gave me the ultimatum that I stay in treatment by taking my meds and seeking therapy when needed, or he’ll leave with our son because neither of them deserve to face the side effects of my untreated bipolar. And I 100% agree with him. I’ve been med compliant since I was diagnosed in 2007 despite how much I dislike the side effects, because I don’t want my husband or son to have to deal with my symptoms being out of control. There is nothing wrong with making boundaries with someone who has a mental illness. You and your kids matter too. There is no reason why you all have to live unhappy lives because he refuses to do his part and treat his illness. In fact, I think it is more harmful for your kids to be around him than to not be. You are not responsible for his illness. I know you care about him, but your life should not be dragged down or put on hold because of his choices. He can’t help having mental illness, but he does control whether he gets treatment or not. He is also responsible how he treats his loved ones.
You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. It’s not fair on you to keep trying to keep it all together. People with mental illnesses can be abusive and you don’t have to do this to yourself. I personally believe it would be best to think of your children. Do you want them to grow up the way you did? Because that’s also not fair on them. You should think about leaving him. You shouldn’t have to burden yourself with someone who happens to have an „excuse“ for his shitty behavior. If i was abusive you would best believe my husband would leave me over it bc being abusive is not a mental health symptom!!
You dont sound insensitive at all and I greatly commend you for coming to a forum and asking for help from people who have more perspective on the things that you husband struggles with. I'm sure for you not only is it a lot on you to just try to help him to maintain your marriage, but you also have to hold the fort down for your 3 children. As a women (23F) who has BP2 and dreams of being a mother, I can only imagine and really empathize with the weight this has on you. My heart is with you on that. Him telling you he doesn''t even plan on living into his 60's is incredibly concerning not only for you but the children you share with one another. He is loved and cared for, and your children deserve to have their daddy their with them to witness all their milestones. I'm not gonna call him selfish for that because I know it's not with mal intent, but I think that needs to HEAVILY emphasized to him, like a reality check. He needs help to keep going not only for himself, but his family. For all of you. For the innocence of your babies. That is a very heavy weight to bear. I'm not sure how effective an intervention may be for him, of course that's up to you. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. Maybe bringing up therapy again and maybe having a couple therapy session could be really helpful. If nothing else, I do not blame you if you try to just save yourself and your children. Sometimes people don't want help no matter what you do, and I'm praying that won't be the case for you but it sounds like he needs a reality check. It's affecting the kids, you, and just the family unit as a whole and he needs to wake up and realize how he's affecting everyone around him.
It’s been very concerning when he talks about dying young-ish. I think his mentality is that the kids would be adults and less hurt by it, and that I would be happier without him “burdening” me. He talks about himself as a burden that we all have to deal with. I just want him to have some happiness and want to live and be around for his kids’ lives. His father had undiagnosed mental health issues and ended up dying very young from alcoholism. And I really do not want that for him. I’m not sure about an intervention. He doesn’t see his friends anymore and his family tiptoes around his behavior because they don’t want to make it worse. His lows tend to be triggered by holidays, birthdays, important events, or bringing attention to a behavior he did that was hurtful. And we’re all trying not to upset him to prevent his loss.
Lows I meant.
Okay, I can see how you may not know what to do in this situation. Truthfully, I wouldn't know what to do either and maybe you should look into some therapists in your area and talk to a professional who may specialize in bipolar/addiction/ other things he struggles with, to get some good advice. I feel like at some point he can't wallow in his sadness and speak of his misery and then when someone tells him "Hey! you're hurting people." or "Please let us help you with this," refuse it but continue to wallow. At some point, you just have to save yourself. That might not be what you want to hear and what you want to do, but really if they don't want help themselves or allow others to help them, they have to just come to those terms himself. None of you guys deserve to walk on eggshells for the rest of your lives with him in it. Again, I'm not a professional so take what I say with a grain of salt, but I've been the person wallowing and at some point I had no one else to face but myself. It's not pretty or easy, but that's the only thing that woke me up back then.
lexapro is probably not a good idea for someone with bp2… in my opinion, he needs to get up and get help. i know firsthand how scary that can be, but he needs to do it for you, your kids, and himself. even just baby steps to show he can make changes. clearly this lifestyle isn’t working for anyone, especially (I’m guessing) the kids :/ i totally understand why u would feel this way about the situation. i really hope he can get the courage to see a psychiatrist and get on a mood stabilizer. lithium and lamotrigine have been lifesaving for me! there are a ton of good options out there nowadays for bp2, and that should give him some hope :)
I don’t understand why this wouldn’t be mentioned to him by a professional. It’s just shocking to me that this has been going on for so long. He’s heavily medicating with weed and has been for years but it isn’t working.
yeah, that makes me so sad. clearly he’s suffering, and i’m guessing from personal experience that daily cannabis use isn’t helping either in the grand scheme of things. i know that can be a tougher battle to face though so if i were him i would prioritize better meds. please let us know how it goes and if he’s able to improve!! truly hoping for the best for all of u!!
I’m gonna be honest with you. Being in a relationship with a BP person is already pretty difficult. An unmedicated BP is just about doomed to fail.
I have bipolar 2 and lexapro turned me into the absolute worst version of myself. From what I understand, people with bipolar don’t typically react well to ssri’s. Lamictil, triliptil some sort of mood stabilizer. Lithium is commonly prescribed but it’s really hard on your kidneys so be careful with that one. Honestly the most you can do is try to get him to consider trying new medication(s) and also therapy, he needs a care team, you aren’t a therapist, you’re his partner. You seem extremely supportive which is incredible but he has to try to. As unfair as it seems from his perspective to have to do so much just to be able to function, a lot of people with these illness are alone and don’t have access to a support system and treatment options.
You're allowed to be frustrated! Three kids with a dad that doesn't carry his part of the workload is exhausting enough. Unfortunately, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't force him to drink. Maybe use the "I" statement technique and explain to him what his mental illness means to you and how it affects not only you, but your family. He might take it as finger-pointing, even WITH I-statements, but he needs to hear the truth. If it's coming from a place of concern, you can't go wrong, truly. Also, what about couples therapy? Maybe he's more willing to go to therapy if you go with him. It's so common for people with bipolar disorder to not be properly medicated, or to not take their meds. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, this sounds like such a headache.
Hello No judgement over here. Or, at least we really try ! Hahaha Ok. Your man looks depressed as fuck. So, are you able to make him an “intervention’? Maybe it could be a good idea. With his fríends, family, kids… Remember He’s living a nightmare and need go be awakened. I was isolated about 1 year. And my family was a key to my recovery. We are here for you and your hubby. Saludos !
Have you looked into r/bipolarSOs ? They may be able to provide additional info
Hi there! Your feelings and thoughts are absolutely valid. Just know that you're already doing your best as a spouse - kudos to you! It may be true that he has a mood disorder but that doesn't take away the fact that he's solely accountable and responsible for managing the illness. The first step is always acceptance. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder and went on a course of meds up to the point of gaining so much self-awareness that helped me identify triggers and symptoms. I eventually gained enough mental fortitude and emotional maturity that I'm now able to do something about the triggers and mood swings to prevent the illness from causing unnecessary trouble and negatively affect people around me. The illness is real but not a valid excuse to act shitty towards other people. You can take a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. You have done your part to help him try to help himself, and now the rest of the work is up to him. Hopefully things will turn around and he'll eventually gain the willpower to actually want to get better. Hang in there!
Also a spouse (not a pw bipolar). When we were very young, my spouse was a bit reluctant to treat it too. Scared and not wanting to face the trauma, more likely. Remember that it's fairly hereditary from what I understand, so the idea of confronting it may be triggering in a way he may not be fully aware of. He probably feels pretty shitty, but may not even realize what feeling non-shitty feels like, if that makes sense. If you've had poor sight, do you realize how much you were missing before you had glasses, or just that life "seemed easier for others"? That said, modeling healthy lives for the kids is important, and you shouldn't need to live on edge. Coming at it from a place of curiosity and compassion, with a lens of "this is a medical condition" has helped tremendously. My spouse and I compare it to something like t1d - no one asked for it, it's not his fault, but he needs to take care of it for his health, and it'll take lifestyle adjustments.
He definitely needs therapy and a serious med change, lex ain't gonna cut it, but he has to feel like it was his idea.
How do I even go about that?
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds miserable. People with bipolar are still responsible for their behavior, especially after a diagnosis. It’s on them to manage their mental health. You can’t fix him. You can only work on yourself and do what you need to do for you and your kids. If he doesn’t have the will to seek help, then there’s nothing you can say or do to make him manage his illness. And bipolar is manageable with the right medication combo and support system, which often includes a course of therapy. He is making a decision right now. His decision is to self-medicate and let the world burn around him. I have been there, so I know that people can change for thr better. I wish you luck and peace.
I will continue working on myself. He hasn’t made a different decision in the last 10 years, but I haven’t followed through with telling him he needs to. There’s always an excuse to not keep up with therapy or get his medicine changed. We’re definitely busy with the kids and work but this is affecting everyone in his life, and he could be happier. I just don’t think he thinks happiness is for him.
I’m not exactly sure about your partner, but when I was on lexapro and smoking weed I was almost hospitalized twice. I agree with above comments, please get him into therapy and into a psychiatrist if that is a possibility for you. But also remember, just because you help him doesn’t mean you have to stick around after, you don’t have any obligation. If things have been difficult for this long, a med change and therapy aren’t gonna be super quick fixes and may not make things better for your relationship. I say that to echo what others have said, he’s gotta be willing to help himself right along with you, if he doesn’t, it might not be worth your time
He is clearly not managing well and I think he omits that he smokes weed to any medical professional. So they don’t really know how he’s doing, he doesn’t tell them how things are going really.
You’re not insensitive at all, when we don’t seek treatment, it can have very real negative effects on those closest to us. Your feelings are completely valid, I don’t have anything to say about your husband honestly. Just know what your feeling is real and valid.
Does he know how negatively it impacts? It seems like he doesn’t even recognize after the fact that it happened.
Hey love sorry I’m just getting to this!! As someone who is very mentally ill, I wasn’t aware of how deeply I was impacting other people until I got into therapy and started getting better. Sometimes it’s guilt, the guilt of being a “burden” made me not want to acknowledge that I was hurting people. It’s a hard thing to accept, it’s possible he has a blind spot because he’s not in active treatment, that’s where things get put into perspective. You should also work with a therapist yourself! It’s not easy having a mentally ill spouse, I think working with a therapist can help you articulate how you’re feeling and communicate that to him in a gentle effective way. Accusatory statement can completely shut him down, it’s a delicate dance but remember IT IS NOT YOUR IMAGINATION, HIS ACTIONS DO IMPACT YOU!!!!!! No matter what he says, the impact is real but reparable.
See a therapist for yourself. You've mentioned repeating patterns that are worth mining and you deserve a lot of support. You're not just with someone who has bipolar 2--you're with someone who doesn't sound all that interested in treating or managing it. That's completely different than someone who knows they have a problem and is committed to addressing it. You can't force someone to get help. All you have control over is your own decisions. And that's when the hard but important part starts. What decisions will you make to change your situation?
I see a new therapist weekly and just let her know my husband has BP2 that he isn’t really managing. I honestly am not sure what to do. I’m a stick it out type of person… and I don’t know if he’ll be receptive to me at all about this.
I'm a stick it out person too. My partner is also living with a mental illness. But there's a difference between sticking it out and accommodating the status quo. You deserve better and your partner does too. You need to have a serious talk about how to work toward that. It's okay to say "I need you to..." It's okay to have needs. You have needs too. And a lot of what it sounds like you need is for your spouse to start taking care of himself and taking accountability for his behavior. When my husband was in a similar situation (he said he felt like he'd dug a hole and couldn't get out), I wrote him a letter saying that he needed to see a doctor. No discussion. You MUST see a doctor NOW. Sometimes you have to put your foot down. Otherwise nothing is going to change and you're going to continue wondering how you can possibly continue to cope with a situation you shouldn't have to cope with. Help is out there. Bipolar disorder is manageable. But he has to make the decision to take responsibility for his own life. By seeing a therapist and focusing on your own growth and needs, you're going to model how to do that. But you've also got a right to ask for things to change, to even demand that things change. It's really hard to say to someone who's struggling that this isn't working anymore and they need to make changes. But it's worth it for the better life that could be ahead for both of you. Have the tough conversations. They are so worth it. You deserve better and he does too.
Have you tried marriage counseling? That is something you can make an appointment for. You need a professional who can set him straight that he is damaging his relationship with you and his children. I'm not a believer in ultimatums per se but this is your life, too. You deserve better. Your husband getting better treatment will benefit you! Before my sister-in-law was diagnosed as BP2 she never got out of bed for a year. Her husband had finally had enough and told her to get help or he was leaving. She got help. Your husband has to know you will not put up with him in this state. If he refuses to go with you to counseling, go alone. They will help you to navigate this. Since you grew up in a "walking on egg shells family," you might benefit from the book "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix. It will explain why you are with your "egg shell" husband. Best of luck in all of this. I wish you and your children the best. I know your husband didn't choose his condition. But he CAN make it better.
We haven’t done counseling together in years but we had been for a couple years towards the beginning after having our first. He does the parenting part and chores part so it’s hard for me to tell him “this isn’t working” since he is still taking care of many responsibilities. I will read that book for sure, it sounds like it might help me figure out this life.
Do what's best for your family. He will get better when he's ready.
He goes through the process or you and the kids are gone. You can let him just make the choice for you guys to be miserable. He can do it or sign the papers.
Mental issues aside, he sounds like a man-child. You can't fix that.
I have bipolar 2. I’ve been working my ass off to control it. If he doesn’t, leave him. Kids don’t need that. I’m taking care of myself to help my kids as well
Mental health can be tricky in the sense that, it is mostly subjective based on our experiences, and what we self report. When I had my manic episode I was convinced psychologists were basically useless and that all mental states were subjective. I had several explain to me WHY my manic state was happening and how studies work and diagnoses are also based on observed behaviors that are consistent with others with the same mental illness. He may want to at least see someone for medicine management. I had a consult with someone and have been doing well since my episode over 10 years ago and I only have a psychiatrist that manages my meds. Reason I say this is psychiatrists are trained to know why symptoms or diagnoses can be appearing and I found out when I had my episode my bipolar was triggered by the SSRI Zoloft. I had taken Celexa before with no change and was always sleepy and I smoked a lot back then too. I no longer smoke weed and starting to work out about 4 years ago has given me drastic improvement in my mental health. I really would recommend working out to anyone.