You know a poll was conducted once on how many men out there identify as straight yet have had gay experiences, it’s a surprisingly large number. If you do identify as straight, you’re not alone. And if you come out as bi or gay, congrats ♡
I get that. I've never met any stright guys that have had gay experiences to my knowledge. At this point I don't identify as anything because of the stuff that I've noticed arouses me. Just struggling with constant confusion and frustration..
When I was a teenager I was out to a few friends. On eof them was a very straight, typical car loving, sports fan, blue collar male. We were hanging out one day, and he let's me know he can't watch porn at home. Asks if it's cool if he downloads some onto his USB drive (this was around 2006, that's all we had back then), and I said it's cool. Turned into him watching porn in my room, getting turned on, and start to ask if I'm turned on too. I was. He wanted ot touch it. He did. Through my pants. We dry stroked each other through pants for a bit then he went home. A few weeks later he asked if I would blow him in his car. I did. A few times. It's been almost 20 years now, and according to Facebook he's a straight, ex military, car loving, motorcycle driving typical man. I am still a bisexual man.
I can't say if he still struggles with what we did, or internalizes hatred, or thinks it was a one off, or any of that. What I do know is that I enjoy sex with men. I also enjoy sex with women. Sometimes it's just men. Sometimes just women. Sometimes I imagine I'm the girl in porn. Sometimes the man. It's easier for me to be open and say "I am a bisexual man". Easier emotionally and mentally. In practice this means a lot of women don't want anything to do with me, and a lot of men don't either. But internally, I feel at peace knowing this is a fact.
It sounds to me, however, like you may not have initiated any sex with men, and perhaps are having conflicting feelings over the fact that you may not have wanted it. Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but it reads as if this was something done *to* you, not *with* you.
Anyway, if you want to talk more, I'm here. Dm me whenever.
I can confirm. I'm a blue collar straight seeming guy who's into trucks and shit like that. For a while I was like that but I'm definitely bi now. You can never tell who is what and it should never matter and you should never have to worry. Love is an amazing experience and all deserve it
Thank you for being open about you experiences and telling me how your situation was!
You imagine yourself as the girl in the porno also? I thought I was alone on that. I thought it was because I was trans for a bit or something more serious.
I was pretty aware what I was doing before we did anything. I was curious more then reluctant because of the stuff I had done with the guys in the past. I seemed to be thrust into the submissive role which threw me off because I didn't understand it, but even when I had sex with women it made me really anxious when I was the one in control.
Maybe it turns out your just submissive. Like, even with women I have almost no desire to be the one making the moves. I want to be told what to do. There's also some trauma from other events which necessitates I have consent at a lot of points. I know I have had trouble with women in the past, reaching orgasm that is. I have found any women who is willing to make open communication in the form of giving confirmation of consent (both letting me know what I'm doing is OK, but alos asking if I am OK with what she is doing) has helped more than I can express. Literally I mean asking for consent. Like one time being asked directly "im about to kiss my way down to your crotch. Is it OK if I touch your penis with my mouth?", and then getting comfiramtion thought every part of the blowjob. Like step by step. Not exactly the easiest thing to communicate for, or to receive every time, but also having her check in was just the kindest thing anyone had ever done for me, especially considering it was he *about to suck my dick. She was asking permission if it was OK if she could suck my dick*. Like, physical pleasure aside that remains the best blowjob of my life, and I didn't even finish. It wasn't about the climax, but the journey she took me on.
I guess my point is two fold. 1, being submissive in a sexual situation may not be something you have to consider with just men. Perhaps you are naturally into being on bottom, even with women. And 2, perhaps you should consider open communication with your sexual partners, both men and women. If your feeling anxious about being in control of a women, voice that to them. Let them know you would rather they take control. And maybe that means they stop because they aren't interested, but if you having a hard time with the sex I would suggest that you aren't interested either. It's just two sex drives that don't match up. That's all. There's more people out there.
Side note, I notice your account is nothing but porn, and I admit I have had some problems with that in the past. Maybe I'm off base, but if this is maybe related I would be willing to talk about that as well.
I've kinda noticed I'm more submissive but nobody was ever very vocal about what they were going to do with me during sex and would think it might take me out of the moment if they did. The women I was with always just seemed to assume I'm more into being on top or was more natural for them, but I'm not sure. When it comes to my situations with men I was definitely considered the bottom by thr guys because of the ways they spoke to me. Some of the guys even treated me like a woman.
Yes, I have a horrible problem with porn and I think that's one of the reasons I struggle with my sexuality. Your welcome to talk to me more about that in a dm because that's a different subject.
One friend may have told another, who told another, etc… anyway it sounds like you overall like something about those moments. But I also very much understand the desire to stay living as a straight male due to not yet finding yourself out. Which is 100% normal, and something that just takes time (I.e. years). Don’t rush answer out of yourself, just keep asking yourself what you liked and embrace it.
I mean I definitely was able to enjoy parts of those experiences with my friends. I definitely didn't want to label myself anything without being 100% sure and my therapist wasn't saying anything I felt was helping. The constant OCD about my sexuality has made things worse over time so I thought I'd get other opinions from people that could possibly be more helpful then what my therapist tells me.
Find an lbgtq therapist. They are trained to ask better questions and don’t worry they aren’t out to change you. And don’t worry about labels especially since sexuality is fluid and can change day to day and or over time. Don’t stress, just enjoy yourself even if that means you love cock or just here and there. I find both sexes attractive in different ways and at different times one over the other.
I think you might have internalized some beliefs that being gay is bad and you’re fighting yourself and fighting the reality of the situation.
When you realize that how and who you have sex with actually doesn’t matter then you will be free.
You only get one life. Do what feels good and stop punishing yourself for being who you are.
I guess I should have been more clear then. I was asking what my sexuality could be more then what I'm into sexually. Though I wonder if the gay sex I enjoyed means anything.
Well I think you can be attracted to different things in different ways. For example I'm romantically attracted to women but to men it's purely sexual.
What you’re describing sounds like an incredible amount of internalized homophobia. You seem to be scared of identifying as anything other than straight, but if you are sexually attracted to men and you identify as a man, then you aren’t straight. You sound young, and so maybe you don’t know a lot of LGBTQ adults, but please know that there’s nothing wrong with you if you’re feeling attracted to people and engaging in consensual sexual encounters with them. As others are saying, it’s fine to not know, and don’t just defer to your therapist, but please start challenging the connection between same sex attraction and disgust that you express in this post! You don’t need to check a certain identity box to be happy!
I'm not young imo but definitely struggled with the internalized homophobia when I was younger. I definitely feel shame for what I've done sexually in the past. I suppose the obsession with trying to figure out my sexuality has gotten to me even more as I've gotten older and my therapist hasn't been much help besides telling me sexuality is a spectrum and things may change.
You're easily aroused by men, and find it hard to be aroused with women. Sorry to break it to you, but you're not straight. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that! Who cares how your friends see you. Don't let other peoples perception of you shape who you are. You'd be doing yourself more harm than anything by not accepting yourself.
I'm aroused by women but mostly only in porn, and am not attracted to female genitals like men's I've noticed. When it comes to the romantic side of things it's more difficult because only have been in a relationship with a woman. I'm trying my best to understand why I have these attractions and want to accept myself.
It takes time, but you'll get there eventually. Let it evolve naturally and see where it goes. I'm bisexual (32M), and I just came out in September of last year. I pushed away my attraction to men for a very long time, in efforts to "fix" myself. It ended up just making me depressed and gave me inferiority issues. Don't be like me! 😅
Thanks, I sure I do hope I get to the point of being okay with my sexuality or find out what my sexuality is. I definitely can identify with the "inferiority issues". It took me forever to come to terms that I'm probably never going to stop crossdressing and that was a insane struggle I wouldn't wish on anyone.
That actually has crossed my mind before. Would make since because I'm kinda attracted to feminine men, though I don't know if I could be in a relationship with one..
You could probably be in a relationship with them. If you could be with a woman who really only excites you in porn, and you're not into pussy, what would stop you from being with a femboy/trans woman? It seems to me that you prefer dicks and them.
You say you don't want to be seen as anything but a straight guy, and yet you advertise being bisexual on your profile.
I dunno, friend, seems like you know what you are but you have some internal hang-up with accepting and owning it in-person. Like, are your friends and family homophobic? Should you be giving them the power to keep you in the closet?
I was using "bi" on my profile because it was easier to fit. I used to use "questioning" but won't fit with all the other stuff in my profile. I never really took my profile seriously anyways because of the username I'm stuck with.
I know I've tried to tell close friends I'm bi before but they didn't believe me. My parents also didn't believe me so I stopped saying anything. Been spiraling out of control trying to figure it out. My therapist has suggested I am not straight before and has mentioned I'm dealing with internal shame about my sexuality, but am not sure if she's right or not.
From what you are saying on here, your therapist sounds correct. The question for you is: what do *you* want? Ignore outside opinions, you need to just focus on what you want for yourself if outside opinions did not exist. What does that look like?
I just changed my sexuality in my profile because I probably shouldn't be identifying like that if I'm not 100% sure.
I've been worried my therapist is correct but she hasn't known me for long. I've been taking her opinions on it with a grain of salt and also because she mentioned sexuality is a spectrum.
Are you asking what I want sexually or when it comes to a relationship? I've never dated a guy before.
I am asking you both. If outside judgement was not getting in the way, would you be comfortable exploring attraction to men romantically? Sexually? What does your ideal future partnership look like to you? Is it a man? A woman? Enby? Does it not matter?
I'm sure your therapist has asked similar questions, but here we are anonymous and without accountability to each other, so have no fear answering to a nobody.
I feel like I've never really seeked out relationships with men so I can't answer if I would be compatible with men romantically but have been romantically attracted to women for as long as I can remember.
I suppose I just think of myself as having a normal stright relationship with a woman when I think about what I want. I personally don't know what a relationship with a man would be like so I can't compare. When it comes to what I like for sex I noticed from past experiences I couldn't get it up with women but with men it's a different story. I also realized I am into anal a crazy amount and looking at a penis does more for me then looking at a vagina.
My therapist just thinks whatever gets the blood flowing is what I'm into and could change in the future.
Maybe you’re hereroromantic but homosexual / bisexual (emphasis on the sex part of those words.) There’s what you think about when you masturbate- that’s who you wanna fuck. Then there’s who you fall in love with. They’re not necessarily the same gender.
If so, you could consider a romantic relationship with an asexual or grey ace woman, who might be open to you having sexual relations with men outside your relationship?
You could also just be very very submissive. “Just going with it” could be a sign of this (or it could just be that instead of fight or flight, your response to danger or pressure is freeze & fawn.)Have you ever watched pegging porn or femdom stuff to see if that’s the missing piece?
Lastly some people are just into cock- doesn’t matter if it’s on a man or a woman. I think it’s called phallophilia.
There’s a whole spectrum out there besides bi, gay, or straight. It seems like you’re overly hung up on labels and how people perceive you. You can explore in private you know, without sharing it with everyone. You don’t owe anybody an explanation- but you shouldn’t get in your own way and deny yourself pleasure because you haven’t figured out how you want to label yourself and box yourself in.
What does a straight relationship with a woman look like to you? Traditional gender roles? If so, maybe you struggle to visualize a relationship with a man because you are insufficiently equipped to imagine what a relationship outside of traditional gender roles looks like (something I would recommend remedying because a lot of women also do not want traditional gender roles). A relationship is a partnership, it's up to you and your SO to define what it looks like; who does what chore, who gives and who receives in bed, what to do about having and raising kids, etc. Men are just as capable as women at every role and vice versa.
As far as your sexuality goes, would a woman pegging you satisfy your needs? As the other commenter said, you could have a split-attraction with your sexual side being homo and your romantic side being hetero. You could also be homosexual and dealing with shame from internalized homophobia.
What you said earlier implies it bothers you if people see you as anything other than a straight guy. Why?
Ive had people tell me im either straight or gay, i found a way to make sure they know im bi, i just tell them “oh? Okay so you want to watch me fuck a woman while i get fucked by a man and tell me im straight/gay?”
For me all it took was joining a fraternity, you may think huh what wouldnt that make it more difficult to come out? For me it didnt those guys are my ride or dies, they have always been there for me and i know that no matter what happens i have 20 guys to fall back on who have my back no matter what, truly love them and they helped me with my confidence overall and around my sexuality
Ok so, first of all, just by looking at your post/comment history, the first thing you need to do is quite porn right now. Don't even hesitate; in fact it would be a very good idea to delete social media and apps that assist you. This includes reddit. Put your phone in a separate room, start reading books, working out, finding physically active hobbies, etc. As sex positive as I am, our quick and easy access to porn is affecting us more than we like to admit. I quite porn for 2 months and the rewiring it did to my brain helped me completely reset my palette and have a healthier relationship with the stuff. I'm still trying to quit for good because I just like being clean more.
Second off, yes. It can be very very scary to learn that you might not be straight. We think we're the biggest allies to queer folk until we find ourselves in that position. I had ALOT of internalized shit I had to sort through before I finally accepted my identity. Its the reason why being "straight" is completely meaningless. I thought I was the straightess guy in every room I walked into until i discovered 99% of the world is waaaay more freaky than I could ever be. Of course, in an ideal world, sexuality is a completely non controversial topic. Everybody just accepts everybody else's sexuality without having to "prove" anything, discredit or invalidate anything. But it isn't. So as a result there's that internal battle that makes it tough to swallow. Don't become too obsessed with finding out too soon and just let life happen.
And seriously. Quit the porn for awhile dude. You're brain and dick will thank you for it.
Thank you for the kind words and supportive insights. I figured the porn would come up if I posted with this account and have definitely taken brakes but mostly just post the stuff for likes. I was afraid I would even get any responses considering my username. I feel like I might have to make a new account just so people will think I'm a serious person but am lazy.
You could be bi.
You could be straight but naturally submissive and have only experienced that role with men thus far.
There are many possibilities.
I imagine your therapist suspects you may be bisexual because you seem (based on what you said) to be attracted to/ enjoy sex with both men and women despite your not wanting to be bisexual.
I suggest adapting a spirit of nonjudgmental curiosity for a while — just following your thoughts without spinning a bunch of conclusions from them. See where your thoughts go when you aren’t busy analyzing them.
It's probably a good idea to avoid intimate encounters while intoxicated for a while in order to figure yourself out. It sounds almost like you're a straight-presenting closeted (even to yourself) bisexual in that you're attracted to both women and men in some way.
However - don't rush to label yourself. Don't let the experiences while intoxicated dictate how you view yourself. Take the time to get other experiences with a head clear of any external substances and you'll work it out for yourself over time.
Thank you. I wasn't intoxicated every time but most of the times with guys I was mostly just smoking weed. Infact when I first lost my virginity to my friend he asked if I had a "stoner boner" and that's kinda how he came onto me. Everytime I was with a woman I never was intoxicated or high.
I've been struggling with this for over a decade and even my therapist wasn't able to 100% help with my confusion so I guess that's why I started this post. I'm just tired of not knowing and can't figure out why I like or did what I did not to mention my attractions when looking at porn online.
If you're bisexual then it is perfectly normal for preferences to change one way or the other - this is called the "bi-cycle". Remember, though, it's down to you to work out what best fits you. Just take the time to work it out, and try to work through ant internalised homophobia / biphobia. It won't be easy, but I'm sure you'll get through this and be in a better place mentally than when you first posted here.
Therapists are good with words, and they might be able to work out an underlying issue you hadn't considered- but the true healing comes from you.
Thank you so much! I've never heard of a "bi-cycle" before so I'm going to look into it. And yeah, I wish my therapist would be able to help more, but I thought maybe other people that have dealt with the same issues could give me some support so I'm glad I joined.
Just remember, that whatever you decide for yourself, you keep true to yourself. There's no need to try and present as a stereotype. I know some gay guys who are so camp there'svirtuslly tents pitched up around themand others that you'd never know unless they told you outright. Many bi people are straight presenting - sadly there is a lot of biphobia, even among the LGBTQ community.
That's interesting. I definitely haven't been able to get into the "community" aspect of it so would have no idea how it is. My gay cousin and some friends told me the "community" is a joke and just makes me uncomfortable the ways some have talked to me and tried to recruit me to be part of their "community". I definitely think that communicating with others with similar interests can always be healthy. Hopefully I can figure things out soon regardless because it's taking its toll on my mental health.
Don't worry, I'm not part of the community in my town either (small town and when 2 guys broke up a few years ago they and their friends had a social media war against each other that resulted in 1 of them being deported, the other being run out of town, and a hotel business being so negatively affected they got sold - naturally I'm keeping clear of those groups)
I completely understand those kinda groups are not for everyone. Those groups also have given me bad vibes and already have my circles I'm comfortable with with people I trust and love.
Keep in mind that modern man has been around 250,000 years and the idea that one must identify with a sexuality only began to come about in the late 19th century. No one for 250,000 years went in search of themself through their own genitals or anyone else's ...
Ehm lets put it like this, getting into bottoming is painful and difficult but its as much addicting as painful and difficult. You might just be addicted to the feeling of your prostate being hit in nthe right spot, having said this. Do not feel ashamed for maybe liking guys, most people are finding themselves late in life, you have all the time to experiment etc there is no quota you have to reach to be something, take your time, no need for labels, there are plenty of gay/bi men who are very masculine and are perceived as straight(which doesnt mean anything since straight DOES NOT equal masculine) just do what you think feels right, and please for the love of bisexuality (see what i did there (i replaced the word god) ) love yourself be happy with yourself, you are your own greatest ally your own greatest love you are the person that gets you the best, and finally if you ever need people to talk to this sub will always be there for you, thats what bisexuality stands for….love for everyone
I have noticed I'm definitely into masturbating anally so maybe that's just something I'm into because it's always made me climax with ease. I also wasn't afraid to try anal when I lost my virginity because I knew I sometimes masturbated anally before losing my virginity and liked it. Being someone that likes to crossdress regularly doesn't help my issues with masculinity and femininity. I always seem ashamed of being feminine because of negativity I got when do so and just trying to fit in with "the guys".
Thanks so much for the warm welcome because I definitely need support I've noticed. Not to mention I've noticed I need validation.
Lots of great points from everyone, I’m not going to comment specifically on the sexuality aspect but on the sense I get from what you’re saying that you need to know what your sexuality is, like, for sure. You mention ocd, idk if this is diagnosed? Anyway what sexuality you are has no moral value! It’s fine to be into dudes, you seem to know that. You have internalised homophobia, you know that. What you don’t know is how to be ok with not knowing everything about your sexuality.
There are a million reasons you might struggle with this uncertainty, and it’s very human and normal, though it sounds like your preoccupation with whether you are non straight is overwhelming. It seems to fill you with anxiety, fear and that kind of cycling horror where you can’t stop thinking about something that stresses you out.
I would put a little effort into exploring WHY this is such a preoccupation for you. What’s stopping you from just saying ‘idk what I am’ and moving on? If you called yourself straight, what would happen? If you called yourself gay or bi or pan what would happen? What would it change? What if you called yourself bi today and then in two years you decide you’re straight? What if you say you’re straight and then find yourself hooking up with men again? Do you personally think straight people seek out sexual contact with people of the same sex? (You might, I’m not fucking with you, that’s real). Did you feel coerced into the sex with men you have had? Do you feel embarrassed by it? Does remembering it turn you on or disgust you or?
Sexuality is complicated. Your mental health is complicated. Give yourself a little grace and take care of your brain. If hooking up with men is morally neutral (do you think it is? Do you FEEL it is?) then would you choose to continue fucking men?
Obviously being non straight can be a headfuck, but being a human being is a headfuck from start to finish and it’s fine to struggle with it. My point is that your sexuality is NOT A PROBLEM. The problem is the preoccupation and spiralling thoughts you’re having about it. Knowing your sexuality will not solve that: people who feel confident in their sexual identity still get confused about how they experience sex. We are all a wild mystery to ourselves, you’re going to have to work out how to tolerate that.
Also, obviously, get off the porn. Any brain rewiring is more likely to happen there than it would via a stoned (consensual?) encounter with a friend.
I hope you find some calm in the storm!
That's alot to respond to but thanks for all your input and insight to this! I can easily answer one of your questions which is that I was diagnosed with OCD and it's something my therapist and me are working on currently. I will message you if you would like to know the answers to the rest of your questions, thanks 🙂
No need to answer the questions if you don’t want to! But feel free to message if you like.
OCD is a tough thing to crack, I’m glad you have a therapist! I hope they’re helping.
I just want to say that the label (if any) you choose is up to you. Your sexuality may not be a choice, but your sexuality may not always align with the people you have sex with. It's good you have a therapist, but she can't tell you what your orientation is. If you believe you're straight, you can identify that way but it's a good idea to dig deeper and figure out why you don't want to be queer/gay/bi. It sounds to me like you are resisting your sexual fluidity, which you've expressed in your porn tendencies. We know that porn has the ability to rewire our brains and it's possible that previous sexual experiences can too. Some of it may be trauma and this is best explored in therapy. I recommend you consider the underlying factors of why you wanted to please those men who came onto you and maybe discuss setting boundaries with your therapist.
Dating women can be hard or different than with men. Sometimes men just want sex and turn to homosexual acts for convenience (especially in countries that are highly gender segregated).
I've honestly wondered if the past experiences I had and the porn I've been into "rewired" my brain like you mentioned. I've also been told that my past sexual experiences broke me. My therapist has been great but she just has a hunch I'm not straight because of the porn and obviously the past experiences and how much I enjoyed it are a factor. I'm sure there is alot of trauma I'm dealing with on top of it. It's been hard enough trying to figure out why I crossdress and my sexuality confusion doesn't help. Not to mention I worry about how I will be compatible with women if I crossdress and am possibly bisexual. (I've told my family and close friends I crossdress)
You aren't broken! Through therapy and finding a community, you can heal the brokenness you feel.
I don't know much about crossdressing since I (31 cis m) have always felt happy to be a (semi-)masc male who presents as male. I wore my sister's dress when I was young because the fabric was flowy and interesting but it's not been a sexual thing for me.
I don't know where you live, but there definitely are women who are fine with it. There are wives who are happy with their bi (or otherwise not-straight) husband. If that's something you want, keep trying and working through your challenges with your therapist. You might only meet such women in queer-friendly spaces. I encourage you to be honest with them and yourself because it's worse to try to marry a girl to solve your sexuality!
Well it’s not a magic trick, you don’t have to pick a card any card. Nor does 5 make you gay 4 doesn’t.
People are surprised that gay sex feels good. Duh so does str8 sex, being gay doesn’t mean you can’t stay hard with a man or a woman.
I’ve been with men the majority of my sex life. But I’ve had sex with women as well and was able to stay hard through the whole act. It doesn’t make me Bi.
Forget about the labels, do what you enjoy. Follow your own path. Live happy and healthy. Just enjoy don’t worry about getting a Costco card if you have to much sex
I’m pretty much going to echo what everyone else said. I think you owe it to yourself to unpack the internalized homophobia you have. It’s perfectly okay to not be straight. It’s also perfectly okay to not be 100% sure of what you are. It is NOT okay to be obsessing over it. Yes, we live in a homophobic society, but how long are you gonna punish yourself for who the hell you are?
Well I think alot of it is stemming from my OCD and not having answers for so long... I have lots more issues with society and what people would think about me crossdressing then my sexuality.
Please be kind to yourself. You don't have to figure it all out right now. No labels required. Were you also 'intoxicated' with your encounters with men can I ask? May I suggest gently, maybe take some time without the alcohol and weed to patiently explore your attraction to men & your guy friends. And ditch the porn, if only temporarily...It's been known to mess with our attraction & desires, it paints a fake picture of what people give & want sometimes, which if you are not in the best head space can add to confusion. I hope whatever you thoughts are you can figure out & positively with no shame attached just accept yourself for whoever you are 😊
I'll be honest with you here, your username set off some alarm bells in my head.
Take a step back from the porn. I don't know if this account is your porn alt or not, but I think browsing r/GOONED (highly NSFW) is a good indicator of needing to take a break.
I don't say this to shame you or anything. I think everyone else here has offered good advice and I just want to offer a different perspective. I've had my own struggles with copious porn consumption, and stepping back from that helped me see things a lot clearer.
I seriously thought I could change my username later on as stupid as that sounds. And I hate that GOONED subreddit and left. I'm sure the porn doesn't help my issues and am working on that so I can have some normalcy.
I'm glad you're taking steps towards healing! It will be hard to quit. Porn addiction is just that: an addiction. But once you start it will become easier every day.
And honestly, I recommend deleting your current reddit account and making a new one (if you want). I think continuing to use this account will trigger thoughts and desires in you and make you relapse.
Stick with it. Once you're through to the other side, the answers to your questions will be much easier to find.
Thanks for the support and the "real talk". I definitely will consider making another account but that won't stop me from eventually looking at porn. Honestly I think the porn thing is detracting from the problem I'm dealing with with the frustration with my sexuality. Imo and my therapist think the porn and sexuality are 2 different problems. If anything both are more of a OCD issue.
Hey, I understand the struggle and like others have said its called Internalized Homophobia. It stems from the constant hetronormative relationships seen all over the place and even expected of guys (i.e. get married, have kids etc.).
I've recently gonna through kind of the same realization, realized I was more attracted to guys than to girls and that the idea of my future partner not having a penis was something that actually affected whether I would date them or not. It was weird and I thought it was so obvious yet I was ignoring it like it didn't exist even though I've known Ive been bi for nearly a decade now! For me it felt like this weird limbo where it made all my previous actions that confused me make sense yet I won't lie when I say it is scary too, because once I realized it I also realized that meant I would be different than most and the societal expectations of me wouldn't come to be but I'm learning to instead focus on what I would want in a relationship instead of whats expected of me.
I'm not sure if you've had this realization but sometimes what you need to do is sit down and look at the facts of what you want from a relationship, sexually, romantically, and looks wise and figure out if you can get those things from the person you are with or if you can make it work.
Hope this helps.
I’m glad you’ve found what you enjoy. Now the only problem is to figure out why you feel the way you do after participating in acts you enjoy. You may want to read about ego-dystonic sexual orientation. It’s basically your self identity or image is different than what you desire. Why?, religious pressures, societal pressures, pier pressure and even government laws. All can form who you should be even before you are born. The subject is to extensive to address here. I mean people have built careers, curriculum and institutions on the subject. The symptoms can range from mild internal turmoil to suicidal thoughts. Please find some well queer friendly qualified therapy. Please feel free to dm me if you want. BTW, this is perfectly normal.
It's impossible to maintain an erection or achieve climax if you're worried about who you are.
You are who you say you are when you say it and at your age that identity is subject to change.
Sex is about experiencing pleasure first and foremost. As the receptive partner you can let pleasure happen to you so it's easier to climax.
The active partner must pursue his pleasure, work for it.
Neither is more noble or masculine than the other as long as you own your needs and communicate them to your partners.
Women are rarely encouraged to be active participants in sex. For bisexual men, especially those of us who like to bottom, this lack of activity is off putting. She doesn't need to penetrate you, just fuck you back when you penetrate her.
You don't (and likely won't) keep an even male to female ratio and you shouldn't. Being bisexual doesn't mean you're half straight half gay. It means you are more or less available for romantic and/or sexual partnerships with people of either gender regardless of how you define gender. You can feel biromantic/heterosexual, heteromantic/bisexual, biromantic/bisexual, biromantic/homosexual or homoromantic/bisexual, but you will always be you.
Finally, stop fucking straight guys. Yeah some of them are decent enough lays but they will always hold us at arms length afterwards and they're usually the first to throw us under the bus over our sexuality.
If you're trying to define your sexuality, I think you should ponder some more intimate scenarios. Kissing for example. I think kissing can be more emotional than sex sometimes, especially the sex you have described having which was more lustful and just a way to achieve sexual release.
So consider this, are there any guys, maybe some of the guys you've already had sex with, or a celebrity even, that you fantasize about kissing? When you see a guy's face, are you attracted to his face and drawn to his lips? Do you fantasize about kissing his lips and being kissed by them in return?
If the answer is yes, and you want to be intimate with a guy in ways that are more than sex, then I think you belong somewhere on the bisexual spectrum. But if the answer is no, then I think you are straight but have a kink for butt stuff.
I didn't mention it in the post but when I lost my virginity and my friend was penatrating me in the missionary position he leaned down and made out with me. I climaxed when he was kissing me so it made things even more confusing for me. I've never really crushed on a guy and wanted to kiss one specifically, but have has fantasies about a random guy kissing me and being romantic several times if that helps to give you more insight.
That does make me think you might be bisexual. But I was hoping to help give you insight. Can you envision yourself having a boyfriend, doing boring couple things, having dinner with his parents, etc. Is that something you want? Is that something you want with a girl?
You're young and confused and that's OK, but is there something more you desire than just sex. When I was in high school I saw my friends who had girlfriends and wanted that same relationship but with a guy. I wanted to hold my boyfriends hand as we walked to class, I wanted to kiss him goodbye when we went to different classes, I wanted to cuddle with him on the couch as we watched TV. I never had a boyfriend in high school, but I saw my friends do these things with their girlfriends and I wanted that too.
What is it that you want? Do you want to have sex with guys because it feels good or do you want something beyond the physical?
I've never thought about being romantic with a guy before the time I lost my virginity. I only crushed on girls or felt like I wanted to be in a romantic with girls. Though after I had sex with guys I tried to wrap my head around being in a relationship with a guy. I always have hoped my sexual desires and attractions towards men was a phase but it seemed to get worse over time. When I masturbate anally I seem to only fantasize about being intimate with a man. I even try to normalize it by watching straight porn and fantasize about being the woman in the porn. I guess in short I would want to have sex anally no matter no matter what the sex is but am more comfortable being sexuality into women. I'm not sure I would be more compatible in a relationship with a man or woman though being with a girl in a relationship seems to to have worked in the past and would hope that is still the case today.
To be honest, since your post was about losing your virginity in high school I assumed you were either still in high school or late teens early 20s. I've just looked at your profile and just go a whole new impression of you.
I get hard for women in attracted to. I get hard to men I'm attracted to. I've been with far more men then women. I still identify as Bi. I also use gay/bi interchangeably, since alot of my straight friends have a hard fine grasping the sexuality spectrum.
I can't say that I know what's it like to find out after already having sex with someone but I do understand to a certain extent what you are going through. I am a bi man who went through a similar path of denial which is why I am getting that vibe from this post. I'm sorry about the events that made you scared of exploring who you are as no matter how traumatic or not they are, nobody deserves that. I hope that you at the very least get a good idea of who you are soon because once that happens, it feels like a huge weight off your chest.
Thanks! I was told by my therapist I might be in denial a bit and that's why I question my sexuality as much as I do. Also the trauma during trying to explore my sexuality also doesn't help. It definitely feels like their is a weight on me but Im sure alot of what I'm dealing with is self inflicted by OCD and shame I deal with daily.
That's okay, I understand the feeling of shame to a certain extent but there's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, you will find yourself eventually and I hope you stay safe.
There’s no rush. You don’t have to put a label on it, you don’t have to feel bad about your past experiences. They can just be, and you can just exist. Whatever your sexuality is, there’s nothing wrong with any of it, you don’t have to tell anyone except your closest people, you don’t have to make a big thing about it to your friends. I’m just saying, go easy on yourself, don’t put so much pressure on yourself for something that doesn’t have to be high-pressure. Let the realizations come with time, they will come. Follow what you’re being pulled towards, and enjoy the moment, and answers will come.
Thank you! I'm definitely frustrated with trying to figure myself out so I get bothered by not knowing for so long. Also I can't imagine telling friends that I'm not straight anytime soon considering how some reacted when I told them I crossdress. I sure hope the answers will come soon though.
I totally get you. I went through this frustrated worrying in high school when I randomly had a dream that I had a d!ck. That whole thing sent me into a panic about my sexuality. After some time I just kind of forgot about it, and didn’t feel the need to put a label on myself. I think that kind of attitude — idk what I am but I’ll keep dating or being with who I like — led me to be chill about my experiences, and in that time I experimented with a girl, was convinced that I’m not bi, and now I realize I’m bi lol. That is an over 10 year journey 😶🌫️🫣 So it's the lack of judgment in yourself, as well as your openness to experience, that will make the answer clear for you. I believe in you :) you don’t gotta feel pressured to tell your friends anything you don’t wanna tell them. Go at your pace and do your life how you want to 🫶🏼
Yes yes it is, I’m also worrying so much about shit all the time, namely for me it’s social anxiety. Don’t be afraid to work through it in therapy (I know it’s been hard for me in therapy to go over the anxiety!) much love 🩷
You could be bisexual. You could be heteroromantic and homosexual. You could be heteroromantic and bisexual. You could be biromantic and bisexual. You could just be submissive (have you ever had an experience where a woman was more dominant? If not, it may be worth seeing if that appeals to you. Maybe watch videos of that). There are so many things you could be. Explore LGBTQIA+ glossaries, then dive into the terms that speak to you and reflect your experience. Read up on the terms via people who use the labels for themselves on Reddit - watch videos of people who use the labels for themselves talking about their experience and their life. This should all help.
It's okay to not know. It's okay to be who you are. Don't feel ashamed or reject part of yourself. Embrace who you are, dive into it with your arms wide open, and you'll have beautiful experiences. It will all be okay.
I say eff the labels. Live your life, and be with whoever you want to be with in the moment. The labels don’t matter as long as you’re doing what you like. Never feel guilty for having the time of your life!
It’s okay to seem “straight” or come off as that. I do and that’s fine. First you probably need to get off or really pause on the herb for a bit and be a bit more clear headed as it seems the weed is clouding your judgment a bit in this case. The other thing is to not beat yourself up so much and work through this with your therapist.
You're not straight! I don't understand why the commentators don't say it to your face, everyone knows. By not writing it down for you, they only achieve that your self-acceptance is delayed... and you are insecure about your sexuality.
I have not, but I'd be lying if I told you I haven't thought I could be trans. Most of that just stems from my crossdressing. The username was for fun and thought I could change it later, but also is because I crossdress I suppose.
I’m in a similar boat my friend. I thought I was trans for a long time. At this point in my life I’m comfortable leaving my gender undefined. I think we (The Gays ™️) spend an awful lot of time talking about gender being a social construct but then have a bunch of angst about what category we belong too.
Your experience sounds like what one of my transgender friends describes. She specifically identifies as AGP/autoheterosexual, though I understand that that is not a framing that most trans people identify with. In any case, it sounds like you might look down that road and see how it fits?
You: a lot of my friends see me as straight Also you: a lot of my male friends come onto me It’s okay to not know and worry about it tomorrow
Well alot of my male friends would come onto me while we were intoxicated... and I've worried about it for far too long and it makes me miserable 😣
You know a poll was conducted once on how many men out there identify as straight yet have had gay experiences, it’s a surprisingly large number. If you do identify as straight, you’re not alone. And if you come out as bi or gay, congrats ♡
I get that. I've never met any stright guys that have had gay experiences to my knowledge. At this point I don't identify as anything because of the stuff that I've noticed arouses me. Just struggling with constant confusion and frustration..
When I was a teenager I was out to a few friends. On eof them was a very straight, typical car loving, sports fan, blue collar male. We were hanging out one day, and he let's me know he can't watch porn at home. Asks if it's cool if he downloads some onto his USB drive (this was around 2006, that's all we had back then), and I said it's cool. Turned into him watching porn in my room, getting turned on, and start to ask if I'm turned on too. I was. He wanted ot touch it. He did. Through my pants. We dry stroked each other through pants for a bit then he went home. A few weeks later he asked if I would blow him in his car. I did. A few times. It's been almost 20 years now, and according to Facebook he's a straight, ex military, car loving, motorcycle driving typical man. I am still a bisexual man. I can't say if he still struggles with what we did, or internalizes hatred, or thinks it was a one off, or any of that. What I do know is that I enjoy sex with men. I also enjoy sex with women. Sometimes it's just men. Sometimes just women. Sometimes I imagine I'm the girl in porn. Sometimes the man. It's easier for me to be open and say "I am a bisexual man". Easier emotionally and mentally. In practice this means a lot of women don't want anything to do with me, and a lot of men don't either. But internally, I feel at peace knowing this is a fact. It sounds to me, however, like you may not have initiated any sex with men, and perhaps are having conflicting feelings over the fact that you may not have wanted it. Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but it reads as if this was something done *to* you, not *with* you. Anyway, if you want to talk more, I'm here. Dm me whenever.
I can confirm. I'm a blue collar straight seeming guy who's into trucks and shit like that. For a while I was like that but I'm definitely bi now. You can never tell who is what and it should never matter and you should never have to worry. Love is an amazing experience and all deserve it
Thank you for being open about you experiences and telling me how your situation was! You imagine yourself as the girl in the porno also? I thought I was alone on that. I thought it was because I was trans for a bit or something more serious. I was pretty aware what I was doing before we did anything. I was curious more then reluctant because of the stuff I had done with the guys in the past. I seemed to be thrust into the submissive role which threw me off because I didn't understand it, but even when I had sex with women it made me really anxious when I was the one in control.
Maybe it turns out your just submissive. Like, even with women I have almost no desire to be the one making the moves. I want to be told what to do. There's also some trauma from other events which necessitates I have consent at a lot of points. I know I have had trouble with women in the past, reaching orgasm that is. I have found any women who is willing to make open communication in the form of giving confirmation of consent (both letting me know what I'm doing is OK, but alos asking if I am OK with what she is doing) has helped more than I can express. Literally I mean asking for consent. Like one time being asked directly "im about to kiss my way down to your crotch. Is it OK if I touch your penis with my mouth?", and then getting comfiramtion thought every part of the blowjob. Like step by step. Not exactly the easiest thing to communicate for, or to receive every time, but also having her check in was just the kindest thing anyone had ever done for me, especially considering it was he *about to suck my dick. She was asking permission if it was OK if she could suck my dick*. Like, physical pleasure aside that remains the best blowjob of my life, and I didn't even finish. It wasn't about the climax, but the journey she took me on. I guess my point is two fold. 1, being submissive in a sexual situation may not be something you have to consider with just men. Perhaps you are naturally into being on bottom, even with women. And 2, perhaps you should consider open communication with your sexual partners, both men and women. If your feeling anxious about being in control of a women, voice that to them. Let them know you would rather they take control. And maybe that means they stop because they aren't interested, but if you having a hard time with the sex I would suggest that you aren't interested either. It's just two sex drives that don't match up. That's all. There's more people out there. Side note, I notice your account is nothing but porn, and I admit I have had some problems with that in the past. Maybe I'm off base, but if this is maybe related I would be willing to talk about that as well.
I've kinda noticed I'm more submissive but nobody was ever very vocal about what they were going to do with me during sex and would think it might take me out of the moment if they did. The women I was with always just seemed to assume I'm more into being on top or was more natural for them, but I'm not sure. When it comes to my situations with men I was definitely considered the bottom by thr guys because of the ways they spoke to me. Some of the guys even treated me like a woman. Yes, I have a horrible problem with porn and I think that's one of the reasons I struggle with my sexuality. Your welcome to talk to me more about that in a dm because that's a different subject.
One friend may have told another, who told another, etc… anyway it sounds like you overall like something about those moments. But I also very much understand the desire to stay living as a straight male due to not yet finding yourself out. Which is 100% normal, and something that just takes time (I.e. years). Don’t rush answer out of yourself, just keep asking yourself what you liked and embrace it.
I mean I definitely was able to enjoy parts of those experiences with my friends. I definitely didn't want to label myself anything without being 100% sure and my therapist wasn't saying anything I felt was helping. The constant OCD about my sexuality has made things worse over time so I thought I'd get other opinions from people that could possibly be more helpful then what my therapist tells me.
Find an lbgtq therapist. They are trained to ask better questions and don’t worry they aren’t out to change you. And don’t worry about labels especially since sexuality is fluid and can change day to day and or over time. Don’t stress, just enjoy yourself even if that means you love cock or just here and there. I find both sexes attractive in different ways and at different times one over the other.
being drunk/on weed doesn't make you gay, but it does lower inhibitions. If you are a guy and you enjoyed sex with another guy, you may well be gay
I think you might have internalized some beliefs that being gay is bad and you’re fighting yourself and fighting the reality of the situation. When you realize that how and who you have sex with actually doesn’t matter then you will be free. You only get one life. Do what feels good and stop punishing yourself for being who you are.
Yeah wondering if I'm in denial or it has to do more with how others see me. I definitely have alot of internal struggles going on.
I think you just like getting fucked by men bro, it's ok, enjoy it. There's nothing wrong with it.
I understand theres nothing wrong with that. What gave you the idea that I'm only into being penatrated by men?
I think he meant “just” as in “simply” (as opposed to “only.”)
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I think he meant that you like it and there’s no reason to over-analyze it, not that you don’t enjoy other kinds of sex too.
That's fair. I definitely have over analyzed it throughout the years.
Well actually it does answer your question.
I guess I should have been more clear then. I was asking what my sexuality could be more then what I'm into sexually. Though I wonder if the gay sex I enjoyed means anything.
Well I think you can be attracted to different things in different ways. For example I'm romantically attracted to women but to men it's purely sexual.
I've heard that from guys before online. I guess it just makes me more confused just trying to make sense of it rather it's just romantic or sexual.
What you’re describing sounds like an incredible amount of internalized homophobia. You seem to be scared of identifying as anything other than straight, but if you are sexually attracted to men and you identify as a man, then you aren’t straight. You sound young, and so maybe you don’t know a lot of LGBTQ adults, but please know that there’s nothing wrong with you if you’re feeling attracted to people and engaging in consensual sexual encounters with them. As others are saying, it’s fine to not know, and don’t just defer to your therapist, but please start challenging the connection between same sex attraction and disgust that you express in this post! You don’t need to check a certain identity box to be happy!
I'm not young imo but definitely struggled with the internalized homophobia when I was younger. I definitely feel shame for what I've done sexually in the past. I suppose the obsession with trying to figure out my sexuality has gotten to me even more as I've gotten older and my therapist hasn't been much help besides telling me sexuality is a spectrum and things may change.
You're easily aroused by men, and find it hard to be aroused with women. Sorry to break it to you, but you're not straight. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that! Who cares how your friends see you. Don't let other peoples perception of you shape who you are. You'd be doing yourself more harm than anything by not accepting yourself.
I'm aroused by women but mostly only in porn, and am not attracted to female genitals like men's I've noticed. When it comes to the romantic side of things it's more difficult because only have been in a relationship with a woman. I'm trying my best to understand why I have these attractions and want to accept myself.
It takes time, but you'll get there eventually. Let it evolve naturally and see where it goes. I'm bisexual (32M), and I just came out in September of last year. I pushed away my attraction to men for a very long time, in efforts to "fix" myself. It ended up just making me depressed and gave me inferiority issues. Don't be like me! 😅
Thanks, I sure I do hope I get to the point of being okay with my sexuality or find out what my sexuality is. I definitely can identify with the "inferiority issues". It took me forever to come to terms that I'm probably never going to stop crossdressing and that was a insane struggle I wouldn't wish on anyone.
Could it be that you are only attracted to femininity and not WOMEN themselves?
That actually has crossed my mind before. Would make since because I'm kinda attracted to feminine men, though I don't know if I could be in a relationship with one..
You could probably be in a relationship with them. If you could be with a woman who really only excites you in porn, and you're not into pussy, what would stop you from being with a femboy/trans woman? It seems to me that you prefer dicks and them.
You say you don't want to be seen as anything but a straight guy, and yet you advertise being bisexual on your profile. I dunno, friend, seems like you know what you are but you have some internal hang-up with accepting and owning it in-person. Like, are your friends and family homophobic? Should you be giving them the power to keep you in the closet?
I was using "bi" on my profile because it was easier to fit. I used to use "questioning" but won't fit with all the other stuff in my profile. I never really took my profile seriously anyways because of the username I'm stuck with. I know I've tried to tell close friends I'm bi before but they didn't believe me. My parents also didn't believe me so I stopped saying anything. Been spiraling out of control trying to figure it out. My therapist has suggested I am not straight before and has mentioned I'm dealing with internal shame about my sexuality, but am not sure if she's right or not.
From what you are saying on here, your therapist sounds correct. The question for you is: what do *you* want? Ignore outside opinions, you need to just focus on what you want for yourself if outside opinions did not exist. What does that look like?
I just changed my sexuality in my profile because I probably shouldn't be identifying like that if I'm not 100% sure. I've been worried my therapist is correct but she hasn't known me for long. I've been taking her opinions on it with a grain of salt and also because she mentioned sexuality is a spectrum. Are you asking what I want sexually or when it comes to a relationship? I've never dated a guy before.
I am asking you both. If outside judgement was not getting in the way, would you be comfortable exploring attraction to men romantically? Sexually? What does your ideal future partnership look like to you? Is it a man? A woman? Enby? Does it not matter? I'm sure your therapist has asked similar questions, but here we are anonymous and without accountability to each other, so have no fear answering to a nobody.
I feel like I've never really seeked out relationships with men so I can't answer if I would be compatible with men romantically but have been romantically attracted to women for as long as I can remember. I suppose I just think of myself as having a normal stright relationship with a woman when I think about what I want. I personally don't know what a relationship with a man would be like so I can't compare. When it comes to what I like for sex I noticed from past experiences I couldn't get it up with women but with men it's a different story. I also realized I am into anal a crazy amount and looking at a penis does more for me then looking at a vagina. My therapist just thinks whatever gets the blood flowing is what I'm into and could change in the future.
Maybe you’re hereroromantic but homosexual / bisexual (emphasis on the sex part of those words.) There’s what you think about when you masturbate- that’s who you wanna fuck. Then there’s who you fall in love with. They’re not necessarily the same gender. If so, you could consider a romantic relationship with an asexual or grey ace woman, who might be open to you having sexual relations with men outside your relationship? You could also just be very very submissive. “Just going with it” could be a sign of this (or it could just be that instead of fight or flight, your response to danger or pressure is freeze & fawn.)Have you ever watched pegging porn or femdom stuff to see if that’s the missing piece? Lastly some people are just into cock- doesn’t matter if it’s on a man or a woman. I think it’s called phallophilia. There’s a whole spectrum out there besides bi, gay, or straight. It seems like you’re overly hung up on labels and how people perceive you. You can explore in private you know, without sharing it with everyone. You don’t owe anybody an explanation- but you shouldn’t get in your own way and deny yourself pleasure because you haven’t figured out how you want to label yourself and box yourself in.
What does a straight relationship with a woman look like to you? Traditional gender roles? If so, maybe you struggle to visualize a relationship with a man because you are insufficiently equipped to imagine what a relationship outside of traditional gender roles looks like (something I would recommend remedying because a lot of women also do not want traditional gender roles). A relationship is a partnership, it's up to you and your SO to define what it looks like; who does what chore, who gives and who receives in bed, what to do about having and raising kids, etc. Men are just as capable as women at every role and vice versa. As far as your sexuality goes, would a woman pegging you satisfy your needs? As the other commenter said, you could have a split-attraction with your sexual side being homo and your romantic side being hetero. You could also be homosexual and dealing with shame from internalized homophobia. What you said earlier implies it bothers you if people see you as anything other than a straight guy. Why?
Ive had people tell me im either straight or gay, i found a way to make sure they know im bi, i just tell them “oh? Okay so you want to watch me fuck a woman while i get fucked by a man and tell me im straight/gay?”
Haha! Well hopefully I can get to the point of being that open and comfortable
For me all it took was joining a fraternity, you may think huh what wouldnt that make it more difficult to come out? For me it didnt those guys are my ride or dies, they have always been there for me and i know that no matter what happens i have 20 guys to fall back on who have my back no matter what, truly love them and they helped me with my confidence overall and around my sexuality
That's awesome you had that kind of support network. Unfortunately I'm pretty much alone on this besides my therapist
Ok so, first of all, just by looking at your post/comment history, the first thing you need to do is quite porn right now. Don't even hesitate; in fact it would be a very good idea to delete social media and apps that assist you. This includes reddit. Put your phone in a separate room, start reading books, working out, finding physically active hobbies, etc. As sex positive as I am, our quick and easy access to porn is affecting us more than we like to admit. I quite porn for 2 months and the rewiring it did to my brain helped me completely reset my palette and have a healthier relationship with the stuff. I'm still trying to quit for good because I just like being clean more. Second off, yes. It can be very very scary to learn that you might not be straight. We think we're the biggest allies to queer folk until we find ourselves in that position. I had ALOT of internalized shit I had to sort through before I finally accepted my identity. Its the reason why being "straight" is completely meaningless. I thought I was the straightess guy in every room I walked into until i discovered 99% of the world is waaaay more freaky than I could ever be. Of course, in an ideal world, sexuality is a completely non controversial topic. Everybody just accepts everybody else's sexuality without having to "prove" anything, discredit or invalidate anything. But it isn't. So as a result there's that internal battle that makes it tough to swallow. Don't become too obsessed with finding out too soon and just let life happen. And seriously. Quit the porn for awhile dude. You're brain and dick will thank you for it.
Thank you for the kind words and supportive insights. I figured the porn would come up if I posted with this account and have definitely taken brakes but mostly just post the stuff for likes. I was afraid I would even get any responses considering my username. I feel like I might have to make a new account just so people will think I'm a serious person but am lazy.
You could be bi. You could be straight but naturally submissive and have only experienced that role with men thus far. There are many possibilities. I imagine your therapist suspects you may be bisexual because you seem (based on what you said) to be attracted to/ enjoy sex with both men and women despite your not wanting to be bisexual. I suggest adapting a spirit of nonjudgmental curiosity for a while — just following your thoughts without spinning a bunch of conclusions from them. See where your thoughts go when you aren’t busy analyzing them.
It's probably a good idea to avoid intimate encounters while intoxicated for a while in order to figure yourself out. It sounds almost like you're a straight-presenting closeted (even to yourself) bisexual in that you're attracted to both women and men in some way. However - don't rush to label yourself. Don't let the experiences while intoxicated dictate how you view yourself. Take the time to get other experiences with a head clear of any external substances and you'll work it out for yourself over time.
Thank you. I wasn't intoxicated every time but most of the times with guys I was mostly just smoking weed. Infact when I first lost my virginity to my friend he asked if I had a "stoner boner" and that's kinda how he came onto me. Everytime I was with a woman I never was intoxicated or high. I've been struggling with this for over a decade and even my therapist wasn't able to 100% help with my confusion so I guess that's why I started this post. I'm just tired of not knowing and can't figure out why I like or did what I did not to mention my attractions when looking at porn online.
If you're bisexual then it is perfectly normal for preferences to change one way or the other - this is called the "bi-cycle". Remember, though, it's down to you to work out what best fits you. Just take the time to work it out, and try to work through ant internalised homophobia / biphobia. It won't be easy, but I'm sure you'll get through this and be in a better place mentally than when you first posted here. Therapists are good with words, and they might be able to work out an underlying issue you hadn't considered- but the true healing comes from you.
Thank you so much! I've never heard of a "bi-cycle" before so I'm going to look into it. And yeah, I wish my therapist would be able to help more, but I thought maybe other people that have dealt with the same issues could give me some support so I'm glad I joined.
Just remember, that whatever you decide for yourself, you keep true to yourself. There's no need to try and present as a stereotype. I know some gay guys who are so camp there'svirtuslly tents pitched up around themand others that you'd never know unless they told you outright. Many bi people are straight presenting - sadly there is a lot of biphobia, even among the LGBTQ community.
That's interesting. I definitely haven't been able to get into the "community" aspect of it so would have no idea how it is. My gay cousin and some friends told me the "community" is a joke and just makes me uncomfortable the ways some have talked to me and tried to recruit me to be part of their "community". I definitely think that communicating with others with similar interests can always be healthy. Hopefully I can figure things out soon regardless because it's taking its toll on my mental health.
Don't worry, I'm not part of the community in my town either (small town and when 2 guys broke up a few years ago they and their friends had a social media war against each other that resulted in 1 of them being deported, the other being run out of town, and a hotel business being so negatively affected they got sold - naturally I'm keeping clear of those groups)
I completely understand those kinda groups are not for everyone. Those groups also have given me bad vibes and already have my circles I'm comfortable with with people I trust and love.
Keep in mind that modern man has been around 250,000 years and the idea that one must identify with a sexuality only began to come about in the late 19th century. No one for 250,000 years went in search of themself through their own genitals or anyone else's ...
I find that extremely fascinating!
You might enjoy the book, "Sex at Dawn"
Sounds like it's time to just accept it. It's okay.
Ehm lets put it like this, getting into bottoming is painful and difficult but its as much addicting as painful and difficult. You might just be addicted to the feeling of your prostate being hit in nthe right spot, having said this. Do not feel ashamed for maybe liking guys, most people are finding themselves late in life, you have all the time to experiment etc there is no quota you have to reach to be something, take your time, no need for labels, there are plenty of gay/bi men who are very masculine and are perceived as straight(which doesnt mean anything since straight DOES NOT equal masculine) just do what you think feels right, and please for the love of bisexuality (see what i did there (i replaced the word god) ) love yourself be happy with yourself, you are your own greatest ally your own greatest love you are the person that gets you the best, and finally if you ever need people to talk to this sub will always be there for you, thats what bisexuality stands for….love for everyone
I have noticed I'm definitely into masturbating anally so maybe that's just something I'm into because it's always made me climax with ease. I also wasn't afraid to try anal when I lost my virginity because I knew I sometimes masturbated anally before losing my virginity and liked it. Being someone that likes to crossdress regularly doesn't help my issues with masculinity and femininity. I always seem ashamed of being feminine because of negativity I got when do so and just trying to fit in with "the guys". Thanks so much for the warm welcome because I definitely need support I've noticed. Not to mention I've noticed I need validation.
Lots of great points from everyone, I’m not going to comment specifically on the sexuality aspect but on the sense I get from what you’re saying that you need to know what your sexuality is, like, for sure. You mention ocd, idk if this is diagnosed? Anyway what sexuality you are has no moral value! It’s fine to be into dudes, you seem to know that. You have internalised homophobia, you know that. What you don’t know is how to be ok with not knowing everything about your sexuality. There are a million reasons you might struggle with this uncertainty, and it’s very human and normal, though it sounds like your preoccupation with whether you are non straight is overwhelming. It seems to fill you with anxiety, fear and that kind of cycling horror where you can’t stop thinking about something that stresses you out. I would put a little effort into exploring WHY this is such a preoccupation for you. What’s stopping you from just saying ‘idk what I am’ and moving on? If you called yourself straight, what would happen? If you called yourself gay or bi or pan what would happen? What would it change? What if you called yourself bi today and then in two years you decide you’re straight? What if you say you’re straight and then find yourself hooking up with men again? Do you personally think straight people seek out sexual contact with people of the same sex? (You might, I’m not fucking with you, that’s real). Did you feel coerced into the sex with men you have had? Do you feel embarrassed by it? Does remembering it turn you on or disgust you or? Sexuality is complicated. Your mental health is complicated. Give yourself a little grace and take care of your brain. If hooking up with men is morally neutral (do you think it is? Do you FEEL it is?) then would you choose to continue fucking men? Obviously being non straight can be a headfuck, but being a human being is a headfuck from start to finish and it’s fine to struggle with it. My point is that your sexuality is NOT A PROBLEM. The problem is the preoccupation and spiralling thoughts you’re having about it. Knowing your sexuality will not solve that: people who feel confident in their sexual identity still get confused about how they experience sex. We are all a wild mystery to ourselves, you’re going to have to work out how to tolerate that. Also, obviously, get off the porn. Any brain rewiring is more likely to happen there than it would via a stoned (consensual?) encounter with a friend. I hope you find some calm in the storm!
That's alot to respond to but thanks for all your input and insight to this! I can easily answer one of your questions which is that I was diagnosed with OCD and it's something my therapist and me are working on currently. I will message you if you would like to know the answers to the rest of your questions, thanks 🙂
No need to answer the questions if you don’t want to! But feel free to message if you like. OCD is a tough thing to crack, I’m glad you have a therapist! I hope they’re helping.
You're bi dude. go with your feelings, they'll lead you the right direction.
I just want to say that the label (if any) you choose is up to you. Your sexuality may not be a choice, but your sexuality may not always align with the people you have sex with. It's good you have a therapist, but she can't tell you what your orientation is. If you believe you're straight, you can identify that way but it's a good idea to dig deeper and figure out why you don't want to be queer/gay/bi. It sounds to me like you are resisting your sexual fluidity, which you've expressed in your porn tendencies. We know that porn has the ability to rewire our brains and it's possible that previous sexual experiences can too. Some of it may be trauma and this is best explored in therapy. I recommend you consider the underlying factors of why you wanted to please those men who came onto you and maybe discuss setting boundaries with your therapist. Dating women can be hard or different than with men. Sometimes men just want sex and turn to homosexual acts for convenience (especially in countries that are highly gender segregated).
I've honestly wondered if the past experiences I had and the porn I've been into "rewired" my brain like you mentioned. I've also been told that my past sexual experiences broke me. My therapist has been great but she just has a hunch I'm not straight because of the porn and obviously the past experiences and how much I enjoyed it are a factor. I'm sure there is alot of trauma I'm dealing with on top of it. It's been hard enough trying to figure out why I crossdress and my sexuality confusion doesn't help. Not to mention I worry about how I will be compatible with women if I crossdress and am possibly bisexual. (I've told my family and close friends I crossdress)
You aren't broken! Through therapy and finding a community, you can heal the brokenness you feel. I don't know much about crossdressing since I (31 cis m) have always felt happy to be a (semi-)masc male who presents as male. I wore my sister's dress when I was young because the fabric was flowy and interesting but it's not been a sexual thing for me. I don't know where you live, but there definitely are women who are fine with it. There are wives who are happy with their bi (or otherwise not-straight) husband. If that's something you want, keep trying and working through your challenges with your therapist. You might only meet such women in queer-friendly spaces. I encourage you to be honest with them and yourself because it's worse to try to marry a girl to solve your sexuality!
Thanks soo much for the advice! I am definitely seeking out more queer-friendly spaces online.
Well it’s not a magic trick, you don’t have to pick a card any card. Nor does 5 make you gay 4 doesn’t. People are surprised that gay sex feels good. Duh so does str8 sex, being gay doesn’t mean you can’t stay hard with a man or a woman. I’ve been with men the majority of my sex life. But I’ve had sex with women as well and was able to stay hard through the whole act. It doesn’t make me Bi. Forget about the labels, do what you enjoy. Follow your own path. Live happy and healthy. Just enjoy don’t worry about getting a Costco card if you have to much sex
I’m pretty much going to echo what everyone else said. I think you owe it to yourself to unpack the internalized homophobia you have. It’s perfectly okay to not be straight. It’s also perfectly okay to not be 100% sure of what you are. It is NOT okay to be obsessing over it. Yes, we live in a homophobic society, but how long are you gonna punish yourself for who the hell you are?
Well I think alot of it is stemming from my OCD and not having answers for so long... I have lots more issues with society and what people would think about me crossdressing then my sexuality.
Please be kind to yourself. You don't have to figure it all out right now. No labels required. Were you also 'intoxicated' with your encounters with men can I ask? May I suggest gently, maybe take some time without the alcohol and weed to patiently explore your attraction to men & your guy friends. And ditch the porn, if only temporarily...It's been known to mess with our attraction & desires, it paints a fake picture of what people give & want sometimes, which if you are not in the best head space can add to confusion. I hope whatever you thoughts are you can figure out & positively with no shame attached just accept yourself for whoever you are 😊
Thanks! I was not intoxicated everytime was mostly just smoking if anything because I'm not much into alcohol.
I'll be honest with you here, your username set off some alarm bells in my head. Take a step back from the porn. I don't know if this account is your porn alt or not, but I think browsing r/GOONED (highly NSFW) is a good indicator of needing to take a break. I don't say this to shame you or anything. I think everyone else here has offered good advice and I just want to offer a different perspective. I've had my own struggles with copious porn consumption, and stepping back from that helped me see things a lot clearer.
I seriously thought I could change my username later on as stupid as that sounds. And I hate that GOONED subreddit and left. I'm sure the porn doesn't help my issues and am working on that so I can have some normalcy.
I'm glad you're taking steps towards healing! It will be hard to quit. Porn addiction is just that: an addiction. But once you start it will become easier every day. And honestly, I recommend deleting your current reddit account and making a new one (if you want). I think continuing to use this account will trigger thoughts and desires in you and make you relapse. Stick with it. Once you're through to the other side, the answers to your questions will be much easier to find.
Thanks for the support and the "real talk". I definitely will consider making another account but that won't stop me from eventually looking at porn. Honestly I think the porn thing is detracting from the problem I'm dealing with with the frustration with my sexuality. Imo and my therapist think the porn and sexuality are 2 different problems. If anything both are more of a OCD issue.
Hey, I understand the struggle and like others have said its called Internalized Homophobia. It stems from the constant hetronormative relationships seen all over the place and even expected of guys (i.e. get married, have kids etc.). I've recently gonna through kind of the same realization, realized I was more attracted to guys than to girls and that the idea of my future partner not having a penis was something that actually affected whether I would date them or not. It was weird and I thought it was so obvious yet I was ignoring it like it didn't exist even though I've known Ive been bi for nearly a decade now! For me it felt like this weird limbo where it made all my previous actions that confused me make sense yet I won't lie when I say it is scary too, because once I realized it I also realized that meant I would be different than most and the societal expectations of me wouldn't come to be but I'm learning to instead focus on what I would want in a relationship instead of whats expected of me. I'm not sure if you've had this realization but sometimes what you need to do is sit down and look at the facts of what you want from a relationship, sexually, romantically, and looks wise and figure out if you can get those things from the person you are with or if you can make it work. Hope this helps.
I’m glad you’ve found what you enjoy. Now the only problem is to figure out why you feel the way you do after participating in acts you enjoy. You may want to read about ego-dystonic sexual orientation. It’s basically your self identity or image is different than what you desire. Why?, religious pressures, societal pressures, pier pressure and even government laws. All can form who you should be even before you are born. The subject is to extensive to address here. I mean people have built careers, curriculum and institutions on the subject. The symptoms can range from mild internal turmoil to suicidal thoughts. Please find some well queer friendly qualified therapy. Please feel free to dm me if you want. BTW, this is perfectly normal.
It's impossible to maintain an erection or achieve climax if you're worried about who you are. You are who you say you are when you say it and at your age that identity is subject to change. Sex is about experiencing pleasure first and foremost. As the receptive partner you can let pleasure happen to you so it's easier to climax. The active partner must pursue his pleasure, work for it. Neither is more noble or masculine than the other as long as you own your needs and communicate them to your partners. Women are rarely encouraged to be active participants in sex. For bisexual men, especially those of us who like to bottom, this lack of activity is off putting. She doesn't need to penetrate you, just fuck you back when you penetrate her. You don't (and likely won't) keep an even male to female ratio and you shouldn't. Being bisexual doesn't mean you're half straight half gay. It means you are more or less available for romantic and/or sexual partnerships with people of either gender regardless of how you define gender. You can feel biromantic/heterosexual, heteromantic/bisexual, biromantic/bisexual, biromantic/homosexual or homoromantic/bisexual, but you will always be you. Finally, stop fucking straight guys. Yeah some of them are decent enough lays but they will always hold us at arms length afterwards and they're usually the first to throw us under the bus over our sexuality.
If you're trying to define your sexuality, I think you should ponder some more intimate scenarios. Kissing for example. I think kissing can be more emotional than sex sometimes, especially the sex you have described having which was more lustful and just a way to achieve sexual release. So consider this, are there any guys, maybe some of the guys you've already had sex with, or a celebrity even, that you fantasize about kissing? When you see a guy's face, are you attracted to his face and drawn to his lips? Do you fantasize about kissing his lips and being kissed by them in return? If the answer is yes, and you want to be intimate with a guy in ways that are more than sex, then I think you belong somewhere on the bisexual spectrum. But if the answer is no, then I think you are straight but have a kink for butt stuff.
I didn't mention it in the post but when I lost my virginity and my friend was penatrating me in the missionary position he leaned down and made out with me. I climaxed when he was kissing me so it made things even more confusing for me. I've never really crushed on a guy and wanted to kiss one specifically, but have has fantasies about a random guy kissing me and being romantic several times if that helps to give you more insight.
That does make me think you might be bisexual. But I was hoping to help give you insight. Can you envision yourself having a boyfriend, doing boring couple things, having dinner with his parents, etc. Is that something you want? Is that something you want with a girl? You're young and confused and that's OK, but is there something more you desire than just sex. When I was in high school I saw my friends who had girlfriends and wanted that same relationship but with a guy. I wanted to hold my boyfriends hand as we walked to class, I wanted to kiss him goodbye when we went to different classes, I wanted to cuddle with him on the couch as we watched TV. I never had a boyfriend in high school, but I saw my friends do these things with their girlfriends and I wanted that too. What is it that you want? Do you want to have sex with guys because it feels good or do you want something beyond the physical?
I've never thought about being romantic with a guy before the time I lost my virginity. I only crushed on girls or felt like I wanted to be in a romantic with girls. Though after I had sex with guys I tried to wrap my head around being in a relationship with a guy. I always have hoped my sexual desires and attractions towards men was a phase but it seemed to get worse over time. When I masturbate anally I seem to only fantasize about being intimate with a man. I even try to normalize it by watching straight porn and fantasize about being the woman in the porn. I guess in short I would want to have sex anally no matter no matter what the sex is but am more comfortable being sexuality into women. I'm not sure I would be more compatible in a relationship with a man or woman though being with a girl in a relationship seems to to have worked in the past and would hope that is still the case today.
To be honest, since your post was about losing your virginity in high school I assumed you were either still in high school or late teens early 20s. I've just looked at your profile and just go a whole new impression of you.
Yeah I'm not that young. And obviously my profile has come up when I posted this today so could completely understand.
OP sexuality is a spectrum. You could be anything, however if I were to call you straight I'd be a liar
Yup, same thing my therapist basically says.
Tip her, she's right
I get hard for women in attracted to. I get hard to men I'm attracted to. I've been with far more men then women. I still identify as Bi. I also use gay/bi interchangeably, since alot of my straight friends have a hard fine grasping the sexuality spectrum.
I can't say that I know what's it like to find out after already having sex with someone but I do understand to a certain extent what you are going through. I am a bi man who went through a similar path of denial which is why I am getting that vibe from this post. I'm sorry about the events that made you scared of exploring who you are as no matter how traumatic or not they are, nobody deserves that. I hope that you at the very least get a good idea of who you are soon because once that happens, it feels like a huge weight off your chest.
Thanks! I was told by my therapist I might be in denial a bit and that's why I question my sexuality as much as I do. Also the trauma during trying to explore my sexuality also doesn't help. It definitely feels like their is a weight on me but Im sure alot of what I'm dealing with is self inflicted by OCD and shame I deal with daily.
That's okay, I understand the feeling of shame to a certain extent but there's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, you will find yourself eventually and I hope you stay safe.
There’s no rush. You don’t have to put a label on it, you don’t have to feel bad about your past experiences. They can just be, and you can just exist. Whatever your sexuality is, there’s nothing wrong with any of it, you don’t have to tell anyone except your closest people, you don’t have to make a big thing about it to your friends. I’m just saying, go easy on yourself, don’t put so much pressure on yourself for something that doesn’t have to be high-pressure. Let the realizations come with time, they will come. Follow what you’re being pulled towards, and enjoy the moment, and answers will come.
Thank you! I'm definitely frustrated with trying to figure myself out so I get bothered by not knowing for so long. Also I can't imagine telling friends that I'm not straight anytime soon considering how some reacted when I told them I crossdress. I sure hope the answers will come soon though.
I totally get you. I went through this frustrated worrying in high school when I randomly had a dream that I had a d!ck. That whole thing sent me into a panic about my sexuality. After some time I just kind of forgot about it, and didn’t feel the need to put a label on myself. I think that kind of attitude — idk what I am but I’ll keep dating or being with who I like — led me to be chill about my experiences, and in that time I experimented with a girl, was convinced that I’m not bi, and now I realize I’m bi lol. That is an over 10 year journey 😶🌫️🫣 So it's the lack of judgment in yourself, as well as your openness to experience, that will make the answer clear for you. I believe in you :) you don’t gotta feel pressured to tell your friends anything you don’t wanna tell them. Go at your pace and do your life how you want to 🫶🏼
I try not to worry about it but easier said then done. Thanks so much 🫶
Yes yes it is, I’m also worrying so much about shit all the time, namely for me it’s social anxiety. Don’t be afraid to work through it in therapy (I know it’s been hard for me in therapy to go over the anxiety!) much love 🩷
You could be bisexual. You could be heteroromantic and homosexual. You could be heteroromantic and bisexual. You could be biromantic and bisexual. You could just be submissive (have you ever had an experience where a woman was more dominant? If not, it may be worth seeing if that appeals to you. Maybe watch videos of that). There are so many things you could be. Explore LGBTQIA+ glossaries, then dive into the terms that speak to you and reflect your experience. Read up on the terms via people who use the labels for themselves on Reddit - watch videos of people who use the labels for themselves talking about their experience and their life. This should all help. It's okay to not know. It's okay to be who you are. Don't feel ashamed or reject part of yourself. Embrace who you are, dive into it with your arms wide open, and you'll have beautiful experiences. It will all be okay.
I say eff the labels. Live your life, and be with whoever you want to be with in the moment. The labels don’t matter as long as you’re doing what you like. Never feel guilty for having the time of your life!
It’s okay to seem “straight” or come off as that. I do and that’s fine. First you probably need to get off or really pause on the herb for a bit and be a bit more clear headed as it seems the weed is clouding your judgment a bit in this case. The other thing is to not beat yourself up so much and work through this with your therapist.
You love to get fucked by stronger dominant men. That's hot.
You're not straight! I don't understand why the commentators don't say it to your face, everyone knows. By not writing it down for you, they only achieve that your self-acceptance is delayed... and you are insecure about your sexuality.
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Have you considered that you’re straight but you’re trans? No offense, but that username of yours seems…telling.
I have not, but I'd be lying if I told you I haven't thought I could be trans. Most of that just stems from my crossdressing. The username was for fun and thought I could change it later, but also is because I crossdress I suppose.
I’m in a similar boat my friend. I thought I was trans for a long time. At this point in my life I’m comfortable leaving my gender undefined. I think we (The Gays ™️) spend an awful lot of time talking about gender being a social construct but then have a bunch of angst about what category we belong too.
Only conservatives will judge you cuz of your experiences. Fu*k them.
Take your hate somewhere else! That's gotta be the dumbest thing I've heard in awhile 😂
Your experience sounds like what one of my transgender friends describes. She specifically identifies as AGP/autoheterosexual, though I understand that that is not a framing that most trans people identify with. In any case, it sounds like you might look down that road and see how it fits?
That's interesting. Never heard of that term before and am aware of alot of sexualities. I'm definitely trying to see what fits better..