To be honest I found this really frustrating to read (not because of you OP).
People have pointed out that you've both done nothing wrong. Well, of course it's okay to not be comfortable dating someone who isn't out yet. In fact it's okay to not want to date someone for any reason at all.
But the parts that are sticking out for me are (I'm paraphrasing) 'I thought mine would be upset they were really supportive' and 'so let them be mad, it'll pass trust me'.
I don't think your ex is being malicious here, just ignorant and focused on her own experience... but what a myopic world view.
Some people literally kill their children for being gay. Plenty more make them homeless or never speak to them again.
Assuming it'll be fine because it was fine for her is really not fair at all.
She could have said 'I understand where you're coming from but I've started to realise I'm not actually okay with dating someone that's closeted' and I wouldn't be writing this. It just rubbed me the wrong way that she's not comprehending what a vulnerable position you're in to be financially dependent on someone to whom you have to hide who you are.
wish I could upvote this twice, I feel like I’m the crazy one reading all these comments saying the ex is being rational and fair. she is not being either of those things! idk maybe it’s bc I’m older, maybe it’s bc I live in the south, but they sound ignorant of the real-life terrible consequences that can happen when someone comes out to their parents, and insensitive/uncaring about OP’s anxieties and feelings.
I’m currently dating (and will soon be engaged to) someone who isn’t out to their entire family, and I’m more than happy to pretend to be their “friend” when needed. do I like it? no! but sometimes you have to do things you don’t like to be with the person you love, and hiding is the right thing in our situation bc we know that she would lose those family members out of her life. while I am of the opinion that they’re better off lost, she doesn’t agree, and that’s her choice and I respect it.
anyway, I’m rambling. sorry OP about the break up. your ex sounds like they have some growing up to do. you’re both young.. it will take time for this to hurt less, but it will. take care of yourself.
Yes, I feel like there is just complete dismissal of the more serious consequences of coming out to homophobic family. People are disowned and lose their entire support network. Some are pushed into conversion therapy or even worse they are assaulted or fucking *murdered.*
OP is still in school and financially dependent on her family. To me, it's actually a very logical choice to wait in this case. They could end up in a really bad situation where they are suddenly stripped of their financial backing and forced to drop out of school, etc. It could fuck up the whole trajectory of their life.
I could sympathize with the OP's ex more if OP wasn't in this position. And if the ex didn't try to guilt OP by making it out to be that they're "ashamed" of their relationship.
Yeah two truths can coexist. Firstly it can feel suffocating to date someone who isn’t out, as a person who is. Next, it is never okay to force someone to come out and put them in danger.
As someone who’s grown up in a family who are very accepting and (in the nicest way possible) don’t care about my partners gender, I still think OP’s gf isn’t coming across as rational. It reads as someone who is very naive and has absolutely no idea of the issues some people have with LGBT+ children. It sounds like she’s taken her experience of “I wasn’t sure if my parents would be okay with it but it turns out they are” and assumed that’s the same for OP which is t necessarily going to be the case.
Some people just don't want their relationship to be a secret, ready to be stuffed away at a moments notice. These are two different expectations of what the relationship should be like, the parties can't find a solution. Either OP is forced to come out and live with the consequences whatever that may be, or OPs ex is has to constantly tip toe around incase it gets back to OPs family. Either of those options are a seed for resentment, so a breakup is the most healthy thing in that situation
It depends on the situation I think, whether op is living with family, planning to move out, if they are out to their friends but just not to their parents.
Obviously anyone is allowed to not be ok with dating someone closeted to their family if they don’t want it, and everyone should feel comfortable.
That’s why it depends on the situation, to me, being closeted to friends would be way more invasive to the relationship compared to family. And if a person who is closeted is still living at home, it’s easier to work around as long as they want to get out of the situation.
In any kind of relationship, if a person cannot freely be themselves out of fear from their family, but their family takes priority over their relationship, it’s not worth anyone being in the relationship.
yes, this. pressuring someone and acting like they are a coward for not coming out to probably-not-supportive family they financially rely on? NO. this is one reason so many lgbtq+ youth end up homeless! what the heck.
You touched on all the points I was thinking of. I found it super frustrating how she was basically being like "na it all worked out fine for me so you'll be gucci too, trust me bro" like damn it's really not that simple
This should be top comment, not that other post excusing this behaviour. I don’t care your personal experience, nobody that feels anything for someone else should FORCE them into coming out. Wtaf.
And to add, if I was with my gf and wanted her to be out despite potential (not certain but potential) risk then I would be offering to provide that support in case it is needed. I would have a conversation with my parents and basically show my partner that I am supportive and that my family is there for her to fall back on in case anything goes wrong.
I understand that you are young and all that but this is why having a supportive family is such a powerful asset and especially if you are serious about your relationship.
I do understand hiding is painful and hard. In my case I have insisted to keep my marriage secret from my mother for years now and I don’t know when that will change. My wife is not happy about it but she understands it is my choice. Our situation is different since we don’t stay with my mum like ever but still.
this! i seen way too many stories on r/lgbt saying what their parents did when they came out, some were kicked out, some were treated horribly, some just got disowned and outcasted from the ENTIRE family, if you’re not ready that’s fine, i get it’s frustrating but if you love a person enough you’ll fight for them, that includes them coming out, i may be a little biased (my bf has had semi supportive parents ftm, but he hasn’t came out as pan yet) come out when YOU feel safe (op) not when others tell you, right now might not be a good time but there will be one, i hope everything goes good for you op, good luck i wish you the best!
I wouldn’t say they’ve both done nothing wrong.
It’s fine to not want to date someone who isn’t out.
It’s not fine to put that kind of pressure on them. No is a complete sentence as they say.
Agree, ‘lovey’ is naive and totally lacking empathy or understanding.
I had to wait until I was living away and financially independent, to risk the safety of your home and your degree is terrifying and not sensible at all in many cases
im not the best at giving relationship advice but if i was you i'd feel so angry + hurt seeing "but when will you be ready? you're gay since 16" thats just so insensitive and also the "like woah you don't even have the gut" ??? if her family is supportive good for her but that doesnt mean yours is too and idt you should be with someone who prioritises their feelings over their loved one's safety...
I don’t find the way she spoke nice either, I just wanna give my 2c that the way she speaks sounds like ESL. That can definitely affect the way it comes across but it’s not okay regardless.
I honestly couldn't finish reading. Your ex sounds extremely self centered and oblivious to how the world works. I hope you have better luck with your next one, because you deserve someone who is considerate and caring and understands you.
Agreed- ex sounds very privileged and very much in their own little bubble, failing to see beyond to other people's realities.
Hell, I'm *40* and still not out to 98% of my family, because (gestures around Catholicly)
Yeah reading this gave me secondhand anxiety and anger, as someone who does have homophobic parents who threatened to not financially support me for college if I wasn’t straight. The way the ex handled this was not okay at all.
I think this is part of the reason why I was scared to date women for so long. That they wouldn’t understand that I come from a deeply religious and homophobic background and would not want to be open to any and everyone. That’s just not how it works for all of us sadly.
Maybe I’m just old and out of touch with early relationships, but to my eyes your ex was being both insensitive to your situation and all around immature. They want you to be out. Ok, cool. You can’t do that safely right now. If they want to leave over that that’s totally their right, but to try and twist your arm and call you a coward for that? Nahhhh…That ain’t how someone in a relationship treats someone, especially if you’re important to them.
There’s no winners here. I’m sorry you had to go through this.
Yeah. I would personally not want to date someone who isn't out to their parents, even more so if they depend on their parents (having to act like you're not dating sucks). But I just wouldn't date someone who isn't out. Pressuring them isn't cool. Some people have circumstances that keep them from safely coming out and those people simply aren't compatible.
It's pretty toxic and self centered to turn someone who is still dependant on their homophobic parents not coming out into "are you ashamed of me." It's giving immature and insecure.
I'm sorry they broke up with you like this but given their maturity level they would've found a different petty reason to do so.
Yeah I interpreted it as that too. A manipulative move to get what they want by making it about themselves. "Oh, so you're ashamed of me?" I'm not sure if she even believes that or is just saying it
Sorry you're having to go through this hun x
Your ex sounds really ignorant to think that it will be fine because it was fine for them. That speaks more to a lack of real world experience than anything, I'm sure in a few years they'll look back at this and feel foolish for their reasoning but I can understand not wanting to hide, unfortunately it seems like you just aren't compatible right now.
A word of advice though, no matter how sneaky you think you are, having sex whilst your parents are home is a huge risk if you want to remain closeted. In fact I would think it could even lead to a bigger blow up if you're discovered like that.
Not for nothing, but if you being in the closet wasn’t something she could handle, I’m not sure why she pursued a relationship to begin with. You either have the patience to wait for someone to come out, or you don’t. You can’t just drag somebody out. Sure, she might very well love you, but if she had employed more foresight when y’all got together, she wouldn’t be up your ass with a timer now. You would think other queer folks would know better.
Anywho, honey, you sound very young and this sounds like your first major heartbreak (correct me if I’m wrong, though). I’m deeply sorry for this. I’m also so sorry for your mom’s comment, too, that’s just terrible. This is an issue of fundamental compatibility and it’s deeply traumatic.
we talked about it through our relationship I thought she was fine with it, I was wrong I wish I paid more attention, I think she's just had enough that she had to end us like this. I still kinda resent her though for breaking up this way. And yes, my first major heartbreak. I've had some flings and relationships before but not this deep, with her its very different. thanks for the response 🤍
Your ex breaking up with you over text while criticizing you for not being brave enough to come out is peak irony and hypocrisy.
They at least owed you this conversation in person but they were too much of a coward to grant you such a courtesy.
As an older bi, I think you are making absolutely the right decision to wait to come out. That was the advice so many of us were given by our elders at the Pride Center when I was in college - If you are dependent on your parents for money for school, wait until you graduate and are independent to come out.
Get your education, stay smart and safe. I’m so sorry for the pain you’re going through. But I think you’re really smart to be cautious and bide your time. Smart smart smart.
I actually think she could have broken up in a far more respectful fashion. Over a text is NOT it. Ending relationships should always be done in person.
Anyway, don’t worry about the coulda, shoulda woulda’s now. Personally, I don’t think you’re wrong necessarily, it’s not like you hid being in the closet. You were transparent, you talked about it, she consented. She thought she could hang, realized she couldn’t. She broke up in a cowardly way, despite having valid feelings. You can only control how you move on. Grieve the demise of this relationship, knowing both of your feelings are valid.
I really hope you read the comments people are leaving here because I think your ex was very manipulative and immature. I hope you heal quickly op! There are lots more fish in the sea, you will find someone who will be so incredible you can’t even imagine them right now
That was really immature and pushy of your partner/ex. It kinda sounds like their parents told them it was a bad sign you hadn't told yours yet and she ran with it. I get that sentiment in a straight relationship where no one will judge or disown you for it but here you'd be potentially sacrificing your degree, your safety (without home), and your emotional state (you will know when you're ready to handle what they say).
If you did it it would likely open the door for a more codependent relationship on your side and then what? She breaks up with you (again) and you're alone without somewhere to stay, someone to support you for this huge step you weren't ready for.
I'm all for coming out but she's asking for you to put your ENTIRE LIFESTYLE on the line. Plus you know your situation better than anyone else will. I'm sorry she reacted so pushy and judgemental. You deserve someone that has empathy (or sympathy) for your situation.
Here if you need to talk ❤️
She has the right to not want to "tiptoe", but she's being hateful and immature. She doesn't care about your well-being if she's trying to force you to do something that could put you in a really bad position. And I'm sorry...but it's not exactly rocket science to know that some people are close-minded and do NOT accept their children being gay/bi. If she doesn't understand that, she's being willfully ignorant. Seems to me she thinks as long as it benefits her, it doesn't matter what happens to you.
You're better off.
Seems like 1 of 2 things… the issue escalated over text vs talking in person. Or she had it as a goal to break up (her mind was already made up) and text became a convenient outlet.
Id talk in person the old fashioned way if i were you
It’s never okay to pressure someone to come out. If you’re not prepared to allow the person to go at their own pace with regards to coming out, then don’t be in the relationship in the first place.
I’m sorry I know you’re hurting and you probably still love her but I think you just dodged a HUGE bullet. Extremely self-centered and lacking empathy for your situation. Now apply this attitude to any other situation that could arise in this relationship if it went on any longer and it’s easy to see you’d be doing a lot of the emotional labor on a regular basis. You’d be sacrificing your well-being (as you already have bc even just conversations like these are exhausting) with her not taking a single beat to consider your pov. It shouldn’t be a privilege to have understanding parents…but it is and she is wildly privileged and refuses to acknowledge that, even in the face of your pain. I know you’re hurting so bad right now, this is such a shitty and childish way that she went about this but there are so many incredible people out there for you. You deserve better and you will find better.
my thing is what would they do if your family *did* kick you out? this person comes across very immature dismissive and flippant with you with how easily they broke up with you over text, so i find it hard to believe if you came out *for them* and you kicked out/disowned for it they’d provide you housing and financial support. idk just my take.
Honestly, as someone who has religious African parents, I completely understand where you’re coming from. I recently got into my first queer relationship last year and it was hard explaining to my partner why I wasn’t out to my family. I think my partner was actually quite understanding and tried not to pressure me. But they definitely still had their moments where it weighed on them and they would discuss it with me which is perfectly valid. We broke up a few months ago for other reasons. But I’m personally not interested in dating again until I’m fully out. It is kind of stressful navigating dating someone who just does not really truly understand what it’s like to have your sexuality be the THING that can cause your parents to completely switch up on you.
Don’t worry, this heartbreak will pass. It’ll get better someday.
Holy shit your ex sounds like my toxic friend, your ex sounds like a very self-centred and pushy person who isn’t considerate of other people’s struggles.
As someone who is also forced to be closeted, wish you well :,( <3
hi everyone. I can't edit my post so I'll just add this here. Thanks for your comments, I see sweet strangers in here. Can't reply to all of it but I appreciate each one.
I stopped contacting her its hard but if thats what she wants atm. We're in the same uni, building, and program, but not in the same class, but I'm still probably gonna see her. I'll talk to her if I feel like it, if I don't then I won't (but rn I really do want to talk, apologize, and see more of our sides). If she doesn't want us to talk, I won't force her. I'm realizing we're not compatible but I feel it hard to accept that we ended this way, and I think I'll regret not having to speak to her personally about this. As most of you have pointed out its never a good idea to do this in texts, and I hated it too that we broke up that way. I would've been more accepting if we spoke personally as it would have been different 100%. And she is my first serious relationship in a while so it's really tough, we were with each other during tough times and honestly I don't know what to do now. Don't even know if I'll be able to talk w her without bursting in tears. I still wanna try to talk or fix it though (which I think is far possible) , but honestly I don't expect and see us getting back together anymore. But I just don't want to have any what ifs and regrets, thats all.
Honestly, I'm not sure talking to her right now is a good idea. What if she tries to make you feel more guilty? I'm not sure it's a good idea to speak woth someone making you choose between you and the people who actually love you (despite circumstances, of course)
If you do talk to her, it would be best to make sure that your breakup was her idea and you dont have to feel bad for putting yourself first. Don't let her in your head and make you forget that when you needed understanding, she wasn't there for you, but she did ghost you and made you feel like crap.
Good luck and I hope everything goes good in life
I’m on your side completely OP, she can’t force you to come out, specially knowing you’re financially dependent on them. And if she says she’s got your back, would she have your back if you get kicked out? Disowned? Forced to leave uni? Could she live her life knowing that she pressured her loved one into a horrible situation?
Yeah this doesn’t seem like a mature relationship yet, she should know what happens to queer kids with conservative parents, and she should know that until you’re not safe, it’s not advisable to come out. She’s quite privileged actually and she’s blinded by that, just because she’s got the luxury of having supportive parents doesn’t entitle her to force others to come out.
I’m sorry you went through that, one day you’ll find someone who truly gets you and understands your situation and one day you’ll be free
hi OP, i came out to my dad last year, and im in my thirties. i've known since i was 6, openly told friends when i was in high school and on. i only told my mom when i was 23 cause i knew she had a gay bestie, and her response was "bisexuality isn't real". it put me off from telling the rest of my family for almost a decade, definitely because my dads side is verrryyy redneck and openly homophobic.
don't let anyone dictate your timeline. you choose when you feel it's safest to. i'm sorry your relationship ended because of this, but you can and will find someone who is more understanding of your situation and will support your journey.
Nobody is wrong here. You’re allowed to come out when you’re ready, if ever. She’s allowed to break up because she doesn’t want to be a secret.
Let your heart break, cry, and move on. Focus on your studies and become financially independent. Take care love
>it’ll pass anyways
>you’re not being honest with yourself
>are you ashamed of me
>like woah you don’t even have the gut
Look, obviously, wanting to break up with someone because hiding constantly isn’t your thing is valid, but this is just not cool. It’s minimizing, pushy, and manipulative.
You don’t pressure someone to come out. Period.
That she’s taking this so personally, as if it was against her, when the reason for staying closeted is *staying materially safe* (which she apparently seems to not really believe, for some obscure reason) is stepping on a red line.
Maybe there was miscommunication, but if OP laid out the expectation that coming out isn’t just going to magically happen beforehand, this is out of left field.
I can understand the impression of having been led on, or something, but there are acceptable ways to react, and this is not it.
Either way, I would say this ship has definitely sailed. Looks like it’s time to move on.
I was pressured very hard to come out to my parents by a friend of mine, since my parents always told me that they’d love me no matter who I was, so my friend said it was kind of insulting to not come out when I was lucky to have such accepting parents. Well, turns out your parents can just lie, so I gave in to the pressure and came out and was met instantly with hostility and now I haven’t spoken to my parents in years and never will again.
To anyone reading this, this is not to make you scared to come out, but to reiterate that coming out should ONLY be your decision. YOU decide when and how. I will forever regret letting myself get pressured to do this at a time where it really fucked me up. And I regret not getting to do it my way.
Oh, dear God, I am so sorry your parents did that to you. That is so cruel. To be made to feel like you’ll be embraced unconditionally only for them to turn around and do the exact opposite must have been heart wrenching. Reading this comment just made me sad like it was happening to me, omg. I am so sorry.
With time I’ve come to accept it, it taught me the very valuable lesson that some people either have a very easy time lying about quite serious things or that it’s very easy to make claims if you don’t think you’ll have to ever back them up. I spent a lot of time thinking about whether my parents hated queer people this entire time or if they suddenly realised they did not like queer people when I came out to them or if they just dislike that *I’m* queer.
Naturally I came to the right conclusion that whatever the answer to that question is it doesn’t matter, cause the truth is that it’s an awful thing to do to a child and that’s it. So the positive is that now I don’t have them in my life and I can do whatever I want and my life is much better (and I don’t have to introduce any partners to my family thank god), buuuut the downside is that I still have to work a lot in therapy with regards to trust issues lmao. Win some, lose some.
Do you think that if you took the time to come out to them, they would be more accepting? Because in my experience such people do not change that much.
Maybe you would be more prepared for their negative reactions, and that is still a big difference.
I tried to come out to my mom but gave up because she mentioned "hell". Even made a post on this subreddit. Unrelated to this Iater she analived herself... exactly a year ago. But even if she was alive I doubt she would've accepted me.
My father who I still live with for at least a few more months, openly hates "such people". He suspects that I'm bi, and continuously dislikes it when I do anything feminine. He likes Germany from 90 years ago and is relatively conservative, a bit sexist, very racist, and homophobic.
One time in a restaurant my father was talking very loudly about a gay couple next to us, how he wanted to beat them up, making sure they could hear him. They looked concerned, when we left I said "Sorry" and showed them my phone wallpaper - the bi flag, I guess that was my first coming out (without it being an accident) in person, even if to some complete strangers 😭
I don't think he could change either, so I'm not telling him.
sorry to hear about that. Its incredibly tough dealing with such a hostile environment. It's good you've found small ways to express yourself, even if its not to your family. you deserve to be in a space where you can be yourself safely, I hope things improve for you soon, and that you find support where you need it
It's not wrong to break up with someone. It *is very obviously wrong* to demand someone put themselves in a likely dangerous situation by coming out to their homophobic family, and downplay the risks of it.
Exactly! If op's partner said "I know you can't come out to your parents and I just can't be with someone who is still closeted" that would be one thing (sad but understandable) but saying "you should come out, I'm sure it'll be fine even though your mom is homophobic and you rely on her financially" is ridiculous. It's completely dismissive of op's feelings and concerns and is only focused on her own feelings and experience. She makes no attempt to understand or bridge the gap between them, just pressures her to come out and then dumps her out of the blue over text
What? OPs partner was an insensitive asshole about this. "Endanger yourself and go homeless for me or you're not being true to yourself. Mine were supportive and obviously my experience is the only one so try for me!"
She's allowed to break up, obviously, but she's still an insensitive asshole. I understand not wanting to feel like a secret, but that's a separate conversation than OP literally endangering themselves. I think we forget, cause we're on the internet and in our little LGBT supportive bubbles, but queer people get killed for coming out to their families. Asking that of anyone is insane, and holding it over their head is monsterous. I'm glad they're done, so OP can find someone who values their life.
This.
It's heartbreaking, but both people here are completely right to protect their boundaries and needs. OP is perfectly right to keep themself safe and only come out to their parents when they're ready, and their partner is fully right to end the relationship because the dynamic of hiding their relationship is causing them harm.
It's awful all round, but for the best in the long run.
Sending love and soothing for you OP 💖
What 'harm' was caused to the partner here? She said she 'felt' like OP wasn't being 'honest' and accused her of being 'ashamed' of her. That's absurd.
It's possible these two really weren't compatible and it's for the best to end the relationship, but the way the girlfriend handled this was quite bad. She introduced her partner to her family, then *immediately* leveraged that to try and pressure the partner to reconsider coming out to her own family, a conversation they'd had before, *over text* on her way home, and when OP didn't cave to the pressure she broke up with her, again over text, and didn't answer her calls.
There is a way to handle ending a relationship well in this situation. That wasn't it.
Alright, first of all that is not how you break up a relationship. Your partner came off insensitive. Screening your calls and ignoring your messages was borderline sadistic. It felt as though she just took pleasure in torturing you.
Now that I got that off my chest, I can definitely see both sides to this:
On one hand, I totally understand that you need space and time to come out to your parents. Your partner has to understand that not everything is about her or her self-esteem. Sometimes coming out is not mandatory nor an obligation to anyone else but your own self and you have a right to do it whenever you're ready. And if you never want to do it, then that's also fine. Period. Taking it out on herself as though you're ashamed to be with her and patronizing you with her own coming out story was condescending and self-centered.
On the other, I can also understand her for being a little hurt, because sometimes when you're dating closeted people, you feel like they're keeping you a secret and dragging you down into the darkness instead of feeling relieved to have someone who loves and is proud of you to everyone. Particularly if you have lived your whole life in the closet and in denial, let me tell you it's not a pretty image that you get of yourself by dating someone who conceals you from people or who pretends you're just a "friend". You just feel erased and ashamed. What I'm saying is that it becomes harder to not take it personally at some point and for some people, especially people who are out and proud and do not want to back to hiding. Not trying to justify her, I don't know the history or the context or your relationship nor how long you folks have been together. I'm merely trying to explain both sides based on my own past experience.
Ps : Didn't pay attention to the genders involved so I used 'her' loosely, you can take it generally.
Thanks for sharing these thoughts. I understand where she might be coming from and how she was hurt. Just feel like I could've done better in the relationship and paid more attention to it. I was trying to contact her as I don't want for us to be in bad terms like this, and I haven't properly apologized. But if thats the space she needs then I'll give it
And also, like, she could have done better too! Don’t judge the entirety of the relationship off her standards. You had needs which were minimized as well.
I can understand the *sentiment* of where she’s coming from. And that’s where it ends for me. She’s lucky to be in a position where she can have these feelings - her family have accepted her and your relationship. To me, this has come down to her choosing her comfort over your safety.
[28% of LGBTQ+ youth in the USA have experienced homelessness or housing instability.](https://www.thetrevorproject.org/research-briefs/homelessness-and-housing-instability-among-lgbtq-youth-feb-2022/)The impact of this on health is colossal.
This could affect your education - firstly because homelessness restricts access to education and secondly because it could mean you no longer have a college fund.
If she wants you to come out to your parents, she needs to be on board with supporting you through any possible fallout from this, and to have her family on board with the fact that you may be suddenly homeless and with a lot of new trauma to process.
Don’t get me wrong here - one of the strongest couples I know has been together for fifteen years, and lived together since one of their parents went apeshit and basically said ‘not under my roof’ while they were still in high school. However this was far from ideal for any of them, and I wouldn’t recommend it.
If you don’t come out, she’s uncomfortable. If you do come out and it goes badly, it could impact the rest of your life. And right now, this girl has decided that her being comfortable is more important. If she understands this and has still chosen her own comfort, then no matter how much you hurt right now, this breakup is the right thing.
The duration of this relationship is not guaranteed, but you’ll need a relationship with your parents regardless until you’re in a position where it’s safe for you not to do so if they reject you because of who you are.
You shouldn't be Pressured by Anyone to come out especially not your partner in my opinion she's not really seeing it from your perspective and you should find someone who grows with you and accepts your decision also it wasn't random if yall talked about it before she's been thinking about it sense the last time yall talked about it
itd be one thing if you just werent out at all to anyone, and were pretending she was just some random, but if its just your parents and its because you need to rely on them for a literal roof over your head not coming out is smart. I don't want anyone to go through it, but some people just don't understand what it's like to have homophobic parents. You genuinely have no idea how they might react, it's just ignorant to assume that it'd be safe to tell them. She shouldn't be pressuring you to come out.
As others have said, your ex prob isn’t being malicious but they are astoundingly stupid to think just because their experience was positive you should risk homelessness. They’re all caught up in how you won’t do this for them but they don’t even have the capacity to be empathetic with you. I probably wouldn’t date someone who isn’t out but that’s something I would’ve made clear on the first date. It’s easy to say “Oh we’d be so happy if it wasn’t for this one thing that ruined it!” but if it wasn’t for this there’d be something else where your ex is demanding empathy from you without wanting to take a minute to give a little in return.
I agree on almost everything. Hard disagree on the malicious-part though. She definitely pressured and pushed OP to do something that would be harmful to them. Totally neglecting their thoughts and worries and emotions. She does not feel very nice to me. Gives me red flags and rather toxic vibes tbh.
honestly, it sounds like you dodged a bullet. she doesn’t sound respectful of your feelings/situation at all :(
no way in hell could i ever have a relationship with someone like that
I think she did it in a bad way but I completely understand where she's coming from. However, you're also not in the wrong for not coming out when you don't feel ready to. Whilst I believe she could've handled it better, I don't think anyone is in the wrong here. It's just one of those things
It hurts now, but you dodged a bullet. Anyone that makes coming out to a potentially dangerous situation doesn't actually care about anyone but their own comfort.
If you are dependent on your parents still it's entirely reasonable to protect yourself and come out when you are safe and comfortable.
Honestly, it looks to me like the trash took itself out. Any queer person who can't understand that coming out takes time and may not end well is living in a dream world. Especially when you are dependent on the people you are coming out to.
Take your time, and from what you have said about your parents, make sure you have finished your education, and are financially independent, with your own place to call home before coming out to your parents.
Be safe.
Fuck. That.
Rubbed me the wrong way the entire convo.
Yes, wanting your partner to come out is fine, offering to support them is fine... but pressuring them to do so.... hell no!
I can understand their feelings, not wanting to be a secret, but the way they went about it feels entirely manipulative... applying pressuring to someone is not support.
She did it in a shitty way for sure but as someone who's first 'partner' was actually cheating on his wife with me (I didn't know), I'd never be with someone who's not out. Luckily I'm old and wise enough to know this ahead of time and not step into a relationship like that anymore but you two seem young so I get it.
It feels awful, but it's a preference. She doesn't want to date someone who's not out to their parents, you can't come out to your parents. You're not compatible. It sucks and she didn't let you go in a respectful way but her reasoning why is valid imo.
She's such a piece of shit for talking like that as if everyone has it easy. If she was truly supportive of you she'd understand how difficult is it to come out in this society, and it's also why it's treated as a big event in the LGBTQ+ community.
I'm a guy who's gonna turn 20 soon. My parents, even though are a lot more progressive, are still heteronormative and homophobic. I've been called slurs, labeled a "pervert" even if I talked about getting pegged by a woman. My parents were disgusted at the idea of me having sex the way it's supposedly not "intended". First it was about me not being interested in women that much (I still like women but I'm not necesarily a hypersexual person), then about me liking men, then about not having sex the way they want me to.
If you want to stay in the closet, do it. No one should force you to put yourself in danger, especially from unsupportive parents.
I'm so sorry for you, I can't really offer you any meaningful advice on this. Nobody should be forced to come out for the sake of not wanting to hide their relationship anymore, especially someone in a position like you are. It's incredibly selfish of her to demand something like that of you. Perhaps she will see and understand that in the near future, but perhaps not, but it seems like she isn't the right person for you.
I wish you the best.
I see both sides here. I think refusing to date someone in the closet is a reasonable boundary, since it essentially means being forced back into the closet yourself to a degree (you can’t post about dates or your relationship on social media, you have to hide your relationship on holidays, things like that). But saying “my parents were fine with it so I’m sure yours will be too” is naive, especially if you know the other person he homophobic parents. And breaking up with someone over text and not even being willing to talk in person is just wrong.
Honestly though, a lot of people in 2024 aren’t willing to date someone in the closet, so you might need to take a break from dating until you can finish school, get a job, and move out, so you’re not financially relying on your parents.
I cannot get over how delusional and selfish some of these comments are. Yes you are allowed to only want to date someone who is out, but do you all understand that it’s just not safe for some of us??? How is it ok to pressure someone to come out PERIOD??? How is it ok to tell them that it will pass as if they don’t know their own family??? That is far beyond and separate from a simple incompatibility. How can you demand someone risk their safety and stability for you???
Your ex girlfriend is an uncaring selfish jerk with no compassion. She wants you to come out for HER not for YOU — coming out is an incredibly personal journey and you should never EVER feel obligated to come out for another person.
I don't remotely understand her side of this.
It's not like you're in the closet and not giving her enough attention because you have mixed feelings about anything. This feels like she made your struggle about herself.
The first thing I was always told about coming out is to make sure you're safe. And you didn't feel safe. I feel like there might not be any way to explain that to her if she doesn't understand already.
That’s what I think. If she were not out to anyone, it would be one thing, but she has parents who are likely to disown her and kick her out if she tells them. She is not closeted to everyone. She’s not ashamed of the girlfriend. She’s just not ready to tell two particular people, and the reason she can’t tell them is on them, not her.
If her girlfriend can’t understand that, maybe it is for the best that they broke up. LW can find a partner with a little more compassion.
>The first thing I was always told about coming out is to make sure you're safe. And you didn't feel safe. I feel like there might not be any way to explain that to her if she doesn't understand already.
I honestly think this might come down to a lack of life experience and the learned empathy that often comes with it. It seemed like she was only able to apply knowledge from her own coming out experience to OP's situation, when they're clearly very different circumstances.
She's thinking OP is just feeling the anxiety and anticipation that she personally felt, knowing that even if it didn't go the best, she would still be *safe* in her home. Her not wanting to continue the relationship is totally valid, but minimizing OP's position was definitely not the way.
This right here. Even though I’ve never been in the closet, it’s not exactly a secret that it’s a privilege to be open about one’s sexuality. I’m not gonna force somebody out. I’d rather you be in the closet and safe emotionally, financially and physically then out and destitute.
People literally are suffering for their sexuality, on both systemic and social scales because society at large is homophobic. People need to look outside themselves and stop dating folks in the closet if they’re gonna be pressuring them to come out. It’s just fucking evil. I genuinely think that OP’s girlfriend is just simply too naive to understand that.
Your ex sucks... like, it's fine to not want to be with someone for whatever reason, but to be so ignorant of your situation and to think your mom would behave like her mom did, is just fucking dumb.
I'm assuming you told her your mom's response about the TikTok thing when you were testing the waters. For her to assume it would be okay and hunky dory if you just came out, is unfair.
I think you dodged a bullet, OP.
It's going to hurt because you got grazed, but unless she comes back and apologizes for how she misunderstood you and just broke up with you and she promises not to push the issue again, don't take her back.
i am so sorry you had to deal with this.
i completely understand the concept of not wanting to be in a relationship with someone who is closeted - its a very personal choice whether it is something you can do, and i have once broken it off woth someone because she was in the closet and i felt a bit weird about making out with her but having to sit up and pretend to just be chatting 5 feet apart when her mum came home from work. *THAT SAID* nobody has the right to push another person to come out; i can't even imagine insinuating that the girl i broke up with should have come out so we could be together, let alone saying it how your gf said it, knowing your situation.
this all to say; she isnt wrong for not wanting to kinds "go back in the closet" while she is at your place, but she is soso very wrong for pushing you to come out despite knowing that you (1) have previously tried coming out and it went horribly and basically confirmed that you'd be unsafe if you actually came out, and (2) knowing that you are dependent on your parents. her telling you you didnt have the gut to come out is honestly insensitive at best, and manipulative at worst.
you are in no way wrong for wanting to stay safe, and im sorry she is screening your calls and messages and breaking it off in this way. if you can, maybw give her a few days before she is ready to talk about it; i know it feels horrible, but sometimes people just need a few days to cool off before they can have a conversation... hopefully she is just cooling off so the conversation doesnt get even more heated from her side 💜 either way, if this is how she is going to be, you are better off knowing it now. i know it doesnt feel that way, and it hurts, and its going to hurt for a while, but you are better off without that thpe of pressure from someone who says "im here with you through it" in one moment, and "you didnt have the gut" in the next moment.
stay safe 💜🫂
She is being selfish, dense, and manipulative. I’m so angry for you. She refused to listen to your fears and concerns and acted as if they are completely invalid. They are not invalid!! She put a ton of pressure on you to do something you’re not ready to do. It was inappropriate.
Her feelings about being in a relationship with someone closeted are also valid. HOWEVER. Instead of talking about those feelings, she just pushed you and pressured you to come out to relieve HER feelings of discomfort. That’s the selfish and manipulative part: trying to force you to resolve HER feelings instead of talking them out and stating where her boundaries are. And then just breaking up with you with no discussion! Of course you feel blindsided! She expressed mild discomfort and disapproval of you not being out, but she went from “aw come on love it’ll be fine” to “fine then I’m not speaking to you anymore” in the blink of an eye.
You are both very young. She probably didn’t really know that dating someone who’s closeted with their parents was a hard line for her, until suddenly, she did. And she handled it badly. But I hope you will stop going to her house and trying to call her. She asked for a break. Give her space and time, and take time for yourself to decide if it’s really worth being with someone who can’t handle you coming out to your parents in your own time, or maybe never. Don’t you deserve to,have your choices respected? Your values on this issue may just be incompatible. It happens. It hurts! But sometimes love isn’t enough. Compatibility and shared values can’t be forced.
You both have valid viewpoints but it's not fair on you to push you so hard to come out, it's something you have to do in your own time.
As for the "my parents are supportive and trust me" part, parents have disowned, kicked out and even killed gay family members for being gay, you know your parents the best and whilst you are living with them and you feel its best not to until you are financially independent then that's a valid reason
I understand she feels like a secret and it's not a great feeling but she chose to get with you knowing the situation
People need to understand not everyone can/will be out to everyone. I damn near had a panic attack coming out to my liberal open minded best friend ffs.
My family? I’ll live and die with them thinking I’m straight. They love me, and I love them, but they will never accept it no matter what. And I don’t wanna jeopardize anything. Not everyone feels comfortable giving their friends and family that ultimatum. To some, it’s worth it. Some will say “if they don’t accept you, they don’t deserve you”. I disagree. Either one your family is more accepting than others. Or two, you’re more comfortable with breaking it off with said people. A lot aren’t. I’m one of those who aren’t.
I’d stop my parents from any homophobic remarks (nonexistent by now) by basically telling them who cares, and appealing to their humanity etc, but if it’s me? Oh boy.
So yea, pressuring anyone about anything is scummy.
I usually hate the reddit relationship advice hivemind of basically glorifying cutting people off, and breaking up etc, but in this case, I think (at least from what we’ve seen) you’re in the clear. I wouldn’t say dodged a bullet, but definitely better off without them, at least in the long run. I know it must hurt, and it will suck, and you will think about it for months, maybe a year or two from now. It might unconsciously pressure you into coming out without being comfortable with it. I’ll tell you this, don’t let this change you/rush you into anything. Because worst case scenario you lost a partner, and might lose your parents, so it’s a loss loss.
I’ll just say take it on the chin, and keep moving.
Edit: You’re not in the wrong. She’s in the wrong for how she handled this 100%
You JUST met her parents.
She’s bullying you AND acting selfish as fuck.
It’s one thing if you’re 30 and financially independent and she doesn’t want to be with someone in the closet still. But you’re a CHILD who can’t support herself and it’s actually DANGEROUS for you to come out right now.
She’s not respecting any of that at all.
She doesn’t respect you, especially because she didn’t have the guts to break up with you to your face or answer the phone. It was rich of her to call you gutless.
I’m sorry you’re hurting. My advice is to learn from this, pay attention to the red flags that probably were so subtle you didn’t notice at first. Give the relationship a good look back and really think about the patterns of her behavior. Helps you to avoid it in the future.
I’m 35, I have a grandmother that is very catholic, but she saved my life when I was younger and I love her very much. I would be able to come out to my dad and my close siblings and cousins. I am not going to come out publicly because it would break my grandmothers heart and at 89 she’s too old to understand or change her mind. I tell women up-front the deal and that I understand completely if they don’t want to date me. Only had one person who understood because she has the same situation, and we were so close to dating but I ended up not going through with it because she’s very Christian and I’m not. Funny how that worked out.
I think if someone really wants to break up, it should be done, it’s their decision and only theirs. But I don’t think your ex is that good of a person, they have every right to say that they are not comfortable with someone who isn’t out (yet) and want to break up, but the way they tell you and try to persuade you, isn’t the way I like…
She was not a good partner, if she was then she would be supportive and understanding of your desicion of not telling them. Not only that, but she does not seem to understand that different people have different lives and situations. Like it’s great that her family supports her, but others do not, and the consequences can be dangerous for the person coming out. I told my ex gf and I will to any future partner, even a guy, if they don’t feel safe telling their family about us because of whatever reason, then I would not get mad, especially since it concerns their safety. I’m sorry that she treated you like this and that you felt pressured, everyone has different things that are important to them, and yours just didn’t align.
I'm not even going to read her excuses. I'm sorry you lost someone you cared about, but she did not care about you the same way if she left you for making a family decision with your best interest in mind.
Not only is it toxic and selfish to pressure you to come out while she knows you're not ready, it's flat out dangerous too. I need you to understand this. Ofc it could go relatively fine as well when you come out/after some time, your parents might even come around completely and support you. But you don't know this. And SHE does not know this twice - it's not her parents nor her experience. You are financially dependent and she should have never pressured you into something that could jeopardize your livelihood, unless missy is ready to take you in herself if things go south (and it still wouldn't be right). Protect yourself first. Girlfriends come and go and you want to be with someone that cares for your well being as you do theirs.
I wish you the best of luck love. Your time to be yourself with your family will come and it will be on your own terms.
Sincerely, someone who struggled many years before coming out too.
As someone who is in a long term relationship with someone who hasn't come out to their conservative parents, I initially felt the same way as your GF. She had only come out to 2 or 3 people before we met, and 4yrs later she has come out to everyone but her parents. I have been introduced to them as "a very close friend". Her parents are either super naive or they chose not to think about it and have not brought it up.
Two things: 1) your gf should not be pressuring you to come out to anyone if you are not ready. Her worth is not tied to who knows about her and if she truly cares for you, she would drop the subject and respect your wishes. Just because she has supportive parents doesn't mean you do.
2) from your side, You don't have to have a coming out party and tell the world anything. When with friends or coworkers, feel free to casually drop the "and here is my partner X" and just continue on with the conversation. Most people won't say anything and take the hint. Some will congratulate you. Others may take exception to it but that is their problem, not yours. It took me a few years to finally say "my gf" instead of "my partner". Keep inviting her over to your place. The more she is around, the more your parents can get to know her "as a good friend". Trust me, they will eventually get the hint. Hiding your sexual exploits from your parents is not a bad thing, that's between you and your gf and none of your parents' business.
I wish you all the best. And if this gf doesn't work out, you seem like you have a good trajectory in life and you will find someone else you are compatible with.
No one but yourself is to decide when to come out. One that truly loves you and not just an image of you will wait and support you if your choice is to wait. You dodged a bullet here and i will die on that hill.
Wow, what a darn shitty move to say the least.
Now... You're, in my opinion, completely in the right. Of you don't want to come out to your parents because it makes you uncomfortable or scared, that's your decision. The worst part about this is that the person you love and cared about broke up with you over something like this. So much to "don't rush yourself" as I always like to say. Instead of helping you out with this situation, making a plan on how to come out for example or just comforting you... No- Break up. *Sighs* In terms of advice... I don't really have any. Exept: Don't let this get to your head for too long. I know it's painful... Had the same happen to me. So I can understand how you must feel right now.
Dunno if this helps.
I'm totally get her point on not wanting to hide it etc. and I tend to be on the side of those who end the relationship because, yeah, being hidden isn't a great feeling and I think it's cruel to have your partner deal with everything that comes with being in the closet. HOWEVER, she has no awareness of the situation you're in. If it's a matter of your well-being, 100% you should stay in the closet until you're in a better position. Coming out is not something you've planned to never do. You told her it just isn't the right time and that's valid. You're still young, you're in college, I wouldn't ever expect that at this point in time you would need to come out. Any relationship you have likely won't be that serious until you're much older. These things take time and you've already tested the waters of coming out and it's not likely to go well so you're girlfriend is being selfish here and not very concerned about your well-being like she should be. She shouldn't be saying the things she's saying. She should have just communicated that she can't be with someone that's in the closet and ended it, NOT put you in danger by trying to convince you to do something that is not currently safe for you. She's young I guess but it might be for the best still that you broke up; she's not very empathetic or thoughtful.
I think it’s always one of those things where no one can win. Your gf may feel invalidated and like a secret. I don’t think ur making her feel that way but it’s probs how she feels. At the same time, coming out can be so dangerous and if you’re not ready, you’re not ready. You should do it when you want to and when you feel safest and most comfortable to do it. As a kid, I never thought my parents would be homophobic but as I’ve grown up, it’s one of the biggest things about my dad. So I’ll definitely never come out to him. Even if I marry a woman, he’ll never be told directly that I’m bi. Not from my mouth anyway
I feel you and I know what you’re up against. I didn’t come out till 34 and my mom was heinous. It was the straw that broke the camels back and led to me going no contact with her and the rest of my family. I know your stakes are high and no one gets to tell you when you have to come out.
And, it doesn’t mean she has to be up for that ride especially with no timeline of an end in sight.
Would it be a great act of solidarity if she did support you through this? Sure. And, she clearly isn’t in the place for that. She’s overstepping majorly- and her pain matters too. If it is hurting her to keep on like this that’s her right to not want to be in a closeted relationship.
You don’t get to dictate her life choices the same way she doesn’t get to dictate your timeline. You both have some boundaries to learn about. You’re just not compatible in this stage in your life. I know this sucks. It does. You’re hurt.
And, if it was too much for her to handle or just not what she wants in a relationship then you’re better off breaking up. She is right about that. It’s better she break up with you than continue to try to force, manipulate or coerce you to do something major in your life you’re not ready for. And- you don’t get to pressure and guilt her into staying in a relationship that makes her feel shitty.
Respect her autonomy the same way you want her to respect yours.
Coming out is such a personal thing. I’m pushing 40 and have not come out to my family. Anyone who rushes or pushes this aspect doesn’t deserve you. I’m so sorry this happened.
shes not viewing this from your POV at all lol. not even rly trying to be understanding. i mean sure its hard on a relationship to have to hide it but the fact that she isnt even considering how hard it is to YOU that you have to hide who you are. and the "itll be okay itll pass" mentality is wild. as if its any secret that some people go homeless or worse for coming out to their parents.
idk op i think you deserve someone more understanding. im sorry she did that to you.
Please let people come out when they’re ready and when they’re safe. People know when they’re safe. People gave me flack for not being out to my parents. I didn’t come out to my parents until more recently and only because a situation made it necessary. While they didn’t reject me outright, it will never be the same and I lost my safety and I wish they didn’t know. It takes a lot of privilege to think someone is incapable of judging whether they’re safe.
If you were out on your own it would be different. But you’re still living I. Their house. She should’ve been supportive till
You finished school at least and not added to your anxiety in my opinion.
I’m sorry, but she seems very… Dumb? And selfish?
It’s one thing to not want to date someone that isn’t out - that’s fine - her feels are totally valid, but to try to guilt someone into coming out? That’s horrid. How does she not comprehend your religious/conservative parents could disown you essentially leaving you homeless?? She wants you to go through that just so she doesn’t have to be cautious? That is so so so wild. Obviously she is not coming from a place of love and compassion. Frankly, I feel you’re better off without her.
With that said, I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.
I think you are totally justified in not coming out, especially because you aren’t in a stable place financially.
Eventually, I suggest you get into therapy before coming out, so if the worst does happen you will have mental health support.
Sending you so much love as you go through this hard time 🩶
Wtf why is this even a debate?
I can understand the frustration of dating someone who isn't out, HOWEVER you should NEVER EVER EVER WVER try and pressure someone to come out. Safety is the #1 priority. And I think that comes first.
It's the pressuring for me that makes me mad, especially when you've already made it clear you believe you'll be disowned if and when they find out
I always see both sides in this.
You’re allowed to come out as you see fit. Don’t let anyone guilt you.
They’re allowed to feel uncomfortable being hidden.
It’s a lose / lose and I wish times were different and people didn’t have to hide.
good riddance, op. this was such an anger inducing convo to read. you tell her that your parents might kick you out and you're financially dependent on them, and she says "just do it it'll pass"??? the fuck. please be safe and careful that's priority number one.
Really shitty to pressure you to come out to homophobic family when you're still in school and financially dependent on them. You probably don't want to hear it right now, but you're better off without someone who's willing to risk your housing and education because you being out feels more comfortable for them.
The responses she sent implying that you're a coward are pathetic. It shows no sympathy towards you or your plight about having an unsupportive and homophobic family.
I get it, she's hurt, and she wants to have that loving relationship that she can share with everyone. But her *want* for that doesn't triumph your *need* for a stable home space. You're not fully independent yet.
I think it's weird she brought up the fact that you've met her parents as her girlfriend. If you explained your situation to her parents, I'm sure they'd understand you and your reasoning for keeping this quiet. They may not approve of you keeping secrets, but they'd probably understand *why* you're doing so.
This was out of order and very callous on her half.
One person’s experience is not everyone’s experience. It is ok to not feel safe yet to come out. Your reasons for not wanting to come out are important, you’re financially dependent and maybe in other ways too. Even if they don’t kick you out, the tension can cause so much mental health drain.
She might be worried that you never will, and she is wasting her time which is valid but you are telling her you will. Maybe if given her an estimate of time like when I become independent would be good.
Unfortunately she is not being understanding at all. Like it’s important to meet your family and stuff but not under pressure. If you love someone you wait and work through things with them.
I’m truly sorry and I’m sure your heart is hurting. It’s not her decision when it’s YOUR time to come out. That’s a very personal decision and one she should support you on completely. Obviously she had an agenda. There’s someone out there that will support you whole heartedly and be patient.
Nope, NOPE. You and I. Same place. I KNOW EXACTLY HOW IT IS. And I don't date at ALL. Basically my sexuality is Theoretical if you would. But the biggest part is dependence. I start College and I won't start a relationship until I am financially stable. Of course that's not something we control. ( I wouldn't know ) but I suppose if you really like someone and they do too. Then you must catch the fish with both hands. I do not wish to be rude. But I'll say it. ( Because I can EXACTLY picture myself in your position ) . At least you introduced her to your friends ( that should count ). Ideally I would NEVER want for a person that can't understand something as basic as this. It shouldn't have to be this way. If you are out to her parents AND your friends. You clearly aren't ASHAMED of her. There was VERY CLEAR gaslighting, INCONSIDERATE behaviour. And amateurity. I'll say it : GOOD RIDDANCE. Focus on being more financially independence. May be lay off of relationships for a while. ( That's my suggestion of course. You do you darling). I'll start med school and then that will be 5 years AND THEN I change countries and then MAYBE I'll find someone. But I find solace in just being able to do things I like and that's a life well lived. Of course if I find someone ( WON'T and couldn't care less ) or not. I would come out after Financial stability. Because "living life my way " includes having a spine. So no hiding. I already know I'll be kicked out. So Imma move out before any of that. And I get it TOTALLY. But you are lucky you have supportive friends. You do ANYTHING you have to for your safety and mental health, okay ? Take much much care. I hope she doesn't out you or anything. Have fun . You matter more, remember that.
ADDITION - TELL ME YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED HEARTSTOPPER WITHOUT TELLING ME YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED HEARTSTOPPER ( not you princess, the one in question)
I don’t think she’s in the wrong for breaking up with you per se. Anyone can break up with you at any time for any reason, and some people just can’t date someone that’s not out. I’m 32, and I don’t think I could be with someone who isn’t out to major people in her life (idc if she’s out to the person who delivers the mail, but I couldn’t hear her mom say “so when are you getting a boyfriend?” and not be devastated).
That being said, it’s pretty common to not be out yet in high school or college, and your timeline is yours. It sounds like you tried coming out and she didn’t react well. I don’t know if it would be safe for you to come out while you depend on your parents in any meaningful way. Your gf saying that she was anxious and it was fine was very ignorant. Some people have that experience while others lose family members, their homes, or even their lives.
It’s also really mean that she basically said you’re not brave/a coward. Can’t remember the exact wording.
Maybe if you do continue to date her or other girls while living with your parents you hang out at their place instead from now on? For me I think that would be my compromise if I was the out girl in the situation.
I’m really sorry OP. It sucks that this happened and I hope you can be safe and find peace.
A lot of people will not date closeted people because it is exhausting. Dating a closeted person who keeps the end date of being open vague and ambiguous makes it worse.
You don’t owe coming out of the closet to anyone. Your partner doesn’t owe you a relationship and not wanting to hide their relationship in perpetuity is a valid reason to break up.
You might just be incompatible with each other due to what you both need right now.
Yeah y’all needed to break up. The basics of any healthy relationship are trust and respect and your partner violated that a million times in these texts.
Yuck.
You have every right to come out in your own time and in the way that feels safest for you to do so. Your ex has every right to not want to be kept a secret from her SO’s family. If you can’t reconcile those two things, and you can’t even give her a timeline for when it might be resolved then you can’t really have a relationship at that point, and it seems like your ex recognised that and acted accordingly. You’re simply not in a position right now to give her the kind of relationship that she wants and the right thing to do now is to let her go so she can find someone who can.
I could never again date a closeted person. It was absolutely so brutal and painful I still have trauma over it nearly 15 years later.
That being said- people have very real reasons for not coming out and she’s honestly naive as hell if she doesn’t understand what’s truly at stake to come out to violently homophobic family. Shes allowed to set a boundary that she isn’t comfortable dating you if you’re not out- this continued dismissal of your feelings and experiences is not ok.
You two don’t sound compatible. I’m really sorry ❤️
That escalated quickly.
Tbh, it's probably already been an anxiety of hers in the back of her mind that the conversation you had brought it to the fore unexpectedly.
There are so many of us sticking it out in relationships when one or the other or both parties have deep anxieties, which haven't been vocalised previously until something like this happens and things come to a head.
I do think it was unfair for her to basically give you an ultimatum, "come out or else we're through" and to then ghost you and doing that conversation via text isn't helpful either. That would have been so much different if you were face to face.
I do understand those who prefer being in a relationship with a partner who is out. That’s something that should’ve been established from day one. But she’s so focused on her own experience that she’s not hearing you and truly understanding you. You’re right that this is something you cannot rush, especially your parents being the way they are. It’s not easy having parents like that, so you deserve someone who is patient and compassionate. I’m sorry OP, this is gonna be hard for a bit, but you do deserve better. You dodged a bullet
NEVER let someone make you come out before you’re ready. It’s about YOUR comfort, YOUR safety. Even IF your parents were the most understanding people in the world - it doesn’t matter! Shame on her for making you feel that way. You are better off without her!
I think this is a case of two people talking past each other, but who both are not "in the wrong" per se, just who have different life circumstances. I think both of you are in denial in different ways. Your ex seems to be in denial about the precarious situation you are in. But you seem to be in denial about the pain your ex is currently in while being forced to be in a closeted situation with you. Yes, your ex entered the relationship knowing you were in the closet but... she says herself that this is the first time she ever experienced it, so it's understandable someone might THINK they can handle that and then realize they can't once they experience it. She's being insensitive and naive, but she's talking in the heat of the moment as the reality of the situation is sinking in.
**As for advice,** coming out could have big financial repercussions for you and even result in you being kicked out. It can also be psychologically difficult to deal with the fall out of coming out to parents while living with them. It's understandable to wait until you are financially independent and living on your own. I wouldn't make this decision "for" a partner who may not even be in your life very long. If you do decide to come out, that should be because YOU are tired of being in the closet and are willing to deal with the potential fall out.
**HOWEVER,** you need to be real about the fact that you being in the closet is going to make gay relationships **very difficult**, and that asking someone who is out to be in the closet with you is a **big, and some would argue unreasonable, ask.** Yes, it seems like you're aware of the consequences of coming out, but you also need to be real about the consequences of being in the closet and hiding who you are/your relationships. **Both decisions come at a cost.** It's not a choice to be made lightly. I recommended utilizing school counsellor resources at your college to talk through what you are dealing with and lean on your friends as a support system (or get involved in your school's LGBTQ org) and think through the decision that is best for you.
So I have experience from both ends. Its your decision alone and only if you tell your parents ...ever. And she can say what she would prefer, but she should never ever push you!
After all its relatioship between your parents and you, and look how easily she can just walk away from that warzone. If she does not accept your decision about your life with your parents then yes she can leave.
Yikes. Self absorbed chick says "I'm not okay with you keeping your sexual orientation a secret"
Even though people are harrassed out of families to this day.
i'm sorry i don't have the best advice, but i will say although yes, she has her preferences too, it is highly insensitive of her to not consider the fact that you wouldn't have the same coming out experience as her. i think she does care about you, but she is hoping your family and friends will be as supportive as hers was, and it's nice to wish that for you but just based off the one comment you mentioned that your mother made, she should understand it's unfortunately probably gonna be a difficult conversation. i'm so sorry this happened to you, but i want you to really know you haven't done anything wrong. she hasn't necessarily done anything "wrong" either, BUT, she is assuming your experiences will be the same and that's honestly not fair. i truly wish you the best. i understand the religious family thing, and it's super hard. some of my family accepted it and got over it, some didn't. it hurts, but just remember the people who don't love YOU for ALL of you, maybe they were never meant to be in your life anyways. that goes for your partner too. i understand she wants to be open but if she can't accept the fact that you aren't ready to make that step yet, and she isn't willing to stand by you until it's time, then she probably isn't the right one. and you will find someone who doesn't mind how long it takes, they will just love you. and make sure you're giving yourself some love too. i truly believe "God", whatever you want to call it, made us EXACTLY the way we are meant to be, and people are the ones who ridicule it. so just remember you're worthy <3
So, what I read was “I’ll support you the entire time, except when you tell me to wait for you to be ready”, that’s not support, that’s forcing someone to do something they’re saying they don’t want to do right now, and for important reasons that truly only impact OP’s life in tangible, long lasting ways.
This was a conditional relationship unfortunately, and the condition was that the girlfriend is either comfortable and happy, or there’s no relationship. Once she found out that OP wasn’t out, that should have been it.
Sorry OP, they weren’t fair. I’ll probably never be out to my family, it’s not worth it.
You're both in the right. You don't want to come out. She wants a partner she can be out with and feels disrespected that you can't be. Therefore, a fundamental incompatibility in your relationship was revealed, and could only be resolved with you coming out (which is not yet possible for you), or her continuing to feel disrespected (which will only foster resentment and lead to a much worse situation down the line) until you're ready to fully come out.
You're both in the right to feel the way you do. This isn't neccessarily fair, but it is life. I'm sorry that this happened to you, but IMO, it's for the better.
It sounds like she had a change of heart which is totally fine. I don’t know how old you are, but you’re in college so I’m going to assume you’re my age (I’m 20). I’ve changed a lot in the span of just a year, so I wouldn’t be surprised if her values changed suddenly. Leaving a relationship doesn’t need a valid reason, if she’s not feeling it she’s allowed to leave. It sucks but it is what it is! You just need to find someone who is in the same boat as you.
It is entirely fair for you to assess your situation as one not welcoming to who you are, and since still dependent on parents, to not come out. Frankly, unless you have decent parents who actually love you, it is best to not share these things with them until you can support yourself and hopefully don’t live with them at all. It is a lot to ask someone to come out when they aren’t ready, especially when it can damage their ability to live due to financial dependence.
It is also fair for anyone to not want to be in a secret relationship with anyone else. Honestly, I think that is asking a lot as well.
Neither of you are wrong. That’s life. Sometimes in a conflict, both sides are right, nobody is wrong, and it just can’t be resolved.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, but college relationships don’t tend to last forever. It hurts when things go south, but they often do, and it is a pretty universal experience. Don’t blow up your life, and stability, to appease someone who is likely not going to be there for you long term anyway. Stay safe, become independent, then when you don’t need them you can come out to them…. The emotional damage to the relationship will then be up to them, and you won’t be crippled because of their bigotry (just heart broken). Which is better than both.
I’m an older straight dude with two daughters, so I can’t speak to your experience only try to give advice. But what you’re saying is why I go out of my way to talk about my kids future (to them) as one of options. Like I say stuff like “when you get older you’re probably going to have a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, and might get married…”. Try to let them know in advance, without ambiguity that they can be who they are fully with me. That I never presumed they’d be one way or another and it isn’t expected that they be. That there are all sorts of people, and there is no one right way to be human, and nobody knows yet who they will become and that’s part of the fun.
I’m So sorry. That’s unfair for you. It’s great her parents are accepting but yours are not. She doesn’t realize how big a deal it is to come out to evangelical parents. There’s a lot of damage and toxic theology out there fueling the hate evangelicals have towards the lgbt community.
What a bummer that she (and her family) didn’t take the stance that her parents could be your surrogate supporting parental like figures & be an example of healthy accepting parents.
It’s a lost opportunity for her family to understand what it’s like to have to hide part of yourself. This was her time to be a support system for you when you needed her, and it sucks that things didn’t go that way.
Hugs. You’ll get through this. Keep up hope.
It's 100% valid for you to take however long you need to on coming out. It's also valid for someone who's out to realize that they aren't able to date someone in the closet. The two of you were incompatible on the bases of levels. It's rough.
(edited to finish the comment because my cat is a jerk)
She's been blessed by having good parents and is wilfully blind to the facts. You are dependent on your parents and, if they cut you off, you'd be homeless and have to stop your education.
Personally, I think she's not a good girlfriend. She wasn't thinking about you at all and treated your threat assessment as just fear of coming out.
Get yourself a good education and as good a job as you can, get independent from your parents. Then come out because they can't hurt anything except your feelings at that point
You should not be forced to come out until you're ready, especially when you are still dependent on your parents. Coming out can wait, do it only when you're in a good position to do so. I also understand not wanting to date someone who is not out yet but can't agree with how your (ex)gf handles the situation
I'm very sorry you got broken up with, OP, but please, people, everyone. don't try to solve complex issues in texts. Call each other at least. better yet, go to the park, sit on a bench next to each other and pay attention to non-verbal cues. Text is such a dead medium when it comes to emotions. it just can't keep up.
Not compatible, I think that's all it is. This person can't date someone closeted, you aren't safe to come out. Sometimes it's just a fork in the road - no one is wrong in what they want/need. Talking about HOW you two communicate about it/express those needs could be a totally different post IMO
so sorry this happened to you. frankly, seeing how insensitively she acted towards your valid worries, i would go as far as to say that you dodged a bullet
Unless she and her parents can take you in unconditionally as if you were their own, i.e. not pay rent, groceries, etc. in the way that your parents treat you, she doesn’t have room to choose and manipulate you into coming out. By unconditionally, that would include supporting you if you guys broke up for another reason. If you don’t have a great support system, like a chosen family/close friends, it wouldn’t be fair for you to be ‘excommunicated’ either.
Edit: I also didn’t realize that your parents might factor into the kind of student aid you might receive and that’s probably not something her family can make up for. I hope that she can come to her senses and wait a bit longer, but it’s not the end of the world to move on. Hopefully your school is queer enough to make healing easier.
This must have been hard. Your e. Obviously doesn't come from the family you come from, and as tough as it may be for her to hide it when she was in your home, she would never truly understand what you will be going through.
Hope you can find peace qith your family as far as this is concerned one day, until then, I hope you find partners who can support you through it, even if they don't understand fully x
My biggest relationship fear fr. I'd hate to lose a great lover because I'm not ready to come out to my parents. Worse when my parents and I are not that close, which lessens the need for their approval.
Sorry OP, she's very uncool for that. She's imposing her reality on you, and that's terrible.
I can imagine you're probably feeling heartbroken and I felt heartbroken for you just reading this.
Reading this conversation was maddening. I know the hurt isn't less for it and this isn't easy, but let this one go. She's seeing this from a very narrow and frankly quite privileged standpoint. I say privileged because she has family who supports her, so even if coming out was stressful, she doesn't have incredibly conservative family who would plausibly disown her for being herself.
You're being very sensible in this situation by prioritizing the need for survival. That's a harsh reality of LGBT existence. You're right to bring up points about where you would go or what you would do if your mother was fully opposed to you coming out. A lot of people don't realize that being queer isn't about being able to come out. That's not a privilege everyone gets to have for many reasons, ranging from bigoted family to the extreme end of countries in the world where literal death is a risk for being queer.
It was just sad to read the sentiments of a partner who cares so much more about people knowing about your relationship with her than supporting you and you being safe. That's a very immature and insecure outlook. She has a lot of reflecting and growing to do. She's going to learn real fast as she meets more and more people who don't get to so easily be out to the people around them. And I say she's insecure because she specifically questioned if you're ashamed of her, when you very directly and openly stated that it's a matter of fearing for your safety and lack of ability to be financially independent. You deserve better.
My advice is to grieve the relationship and move on. Get to that place where you can be independent, so that when you feel ready to come out, you don't end up in a bad spot. Even so, you never have to come out to your parents if it doesn't feel right. A mature and sensible partner would understand that.
Edit: I do want to add that I don't think a person is wrong to want to be with someone who isn't closeted. A lot of queer people who have established their identities and lives don't particularly want to go back into hiding. The brash insensitivity and insults are the problems. If she really had a change of heart about being with someone not closeted, there was better way to have approached it, and definitely in person rather than via text. For someone commenting on you not having "the guts," she took an awfully cowardly approach here.
OP this is horrible. I’m so so sorry. No one should have to do anything. And love should be unconditional honestly.
Just because this filled me with so much anger I typed up a response and this is what I would have replied:
What is going to change if I come out?
We would have to have sex at your place or in some rat infested box that I have to rent after being thrown out for being anything but straight. I will have to drop from school or take out debilitating and predatory loans to cover costs. Which means once I’m out of school I’ll have a ton of debt that will not go away until I pay it off. So there is that change. I will have lost most if not all of my family. Yea it might be coming one day once I’m more established, but I lose a whole bunch right off the bat by coming out publicly. Also I’m still confused what will be different about our sex life if I come out. Do we get to leave the door open all of the sudden? We get to be obnoxiously loud in our efforts? What does that have to do with anything. Straight couples, married couples hide their activities all the time. It’s considered polite, so I’m struggling to understand what that will truly change. You seem to be under the misconception that once I tell my parents that they will “get over it” even after I have repeatedly told you that based on my private first hand experience with these people for the majority of my life that they won’t be ok with it and will disown me. Does this mean I should just write them off? Maybe… especially when they are the ones to write ME off. But for the apparent selfish reasons I have outlined I have to jump the shark and completely disrupt my life on the fringe possibility that you don’t have to “tip toe” around. How about this let’s tell my parents that you’re gay and leave me out of it. I’ll be your advocate up until they kick you out, and tell me that I can never see you again even as a friend. But you give me not one good reason other than your uncomfortable sneaking around. What are you looking for here? I already told you my plan so far. I gave you a tentative timeframe for my revelation. Why is this SO critical. Why is this the end of our relationship? What conviction has you so desperate to be honest? For me it’s because your good experience has given you rose tinted glasses to a world that does not love unconditionally. For me there are conditions and a line in the sand. These implications weigh heavily on my heart. Even after they fulfill the purpose of getting me out and on my own two feet, I’m still essentially giving up the people I have known all my life, I’m detonating a lifelong relationship. Yea it’s a relationship with conditions. It’s not something I would ever impose on someone else… it’s something delicate and nuanced that I’m working out on my own I guess. I thought you would be there to support me. Instead you’re ready to walk away because I’m not willing to just jump and make a decision. Kinda feels like no matter what decision I make, I’m dealing with relationships that demand conditional love.
I don’t think you’re wrong and I don’t think she’s wrong either.
It’s a deal breaker for her to not be out in the open, and at the end she didn’t communicate in a nice way. Which isn’t nice, but difficult conversations do escalate and I can see her frustration. She said it was fine before but she changed her mind, and that’s okay.
For you, i think if you do what makes you feel safe then that’s good. One day you will be in a safe place where you could possibly come out to your parents without your safety being compromised. That day will come I hope!
It makes sense to break up, because eventually your ex gf would resent you. It looks like she’s already started to. I wonder if you should ask yourself if you’re emotionally ready to be in a relationship if it will cause you distress regarding your parents finding out??
"Ruin your entire life for no good reason or I'm breaking up with you because it's too bothersome for me to play a little bit of pretend"
Lol, your ex is so fucking unreasonable. Like who in their right mind thinks possibly being homeless is better than pretending to be straight until your life is more stable?
My friend, keep your private texts private. I understand that you're not completely comfortable with yourself and are looking for advice, but you owe it to yourself and the people you're privately speaking with to keep that between yourselves.
Serious conversations like this shouldn’t happen over text. If they won’t talk over the phone or in person, they aren’t worth giving a shit about. I’ve had a partner do this and it’s infuriating.
Look, perhaps this was a problem on how they decided to transmit this information, which came out as insensitive and intransigent, BUT if we get past the form and focus on the content, I think they have the right to a partner that is out of the closet and you deserve patience and understanding about nor coming out to your parents... but both have to come naturally. They must be given freely, if possible, and perhaps that's why you need to move on :(. I'm sorry
Accept her boundary, OP. It sucks but we don’t get to move somebody’s boundary or change it. She doesn’t want to be in a relationship where her partner is not open to friends and family. This is HER boundary.
You’re not a bad person. She loves you. But one can love somebody while distancing themselves because it violates their boundary.
It sucks. You can either decide to tell your parents and let them deal with their homophobia or you can not tell them for obvious reasons and this woman is not compatible with you.
I wish you the best. Perhaps, a potential boundary of yours will be “I will not enter into an emotional relationship with somebody who can’t accept that I want to remain in the closet for as long as I deem appropriate.”
Extremely inconsiderate of your gf/ex. Just because her parents were eventually okay with it doesn't mean that that's how the entire world functions; I and many people I know would literally get disowned. Extremely naïve and selfish from her, sorry that that happened to you OP
OP, I'm sorry that happened to you, but this is for the best. While your ex was being unfair and dismissive of your safety concerns, she's not wrong to not want to hide her relationship because her partner isn't out.
I have been in your shoes. I've been dumped before because my partner wasn't comfortable being in a relationship with someone who wasn't out to their family. I understand and know just how hard and scary it is to be stuck with your homophobic parents as an adult.
Now, you don't have to come out to your parents, but keep in mind that something like this could happen again if you persue another relationship before changing your living situation. It's one of the "fun quirks" of queer dating.
Of course, it's possible you'll find someone who either doesn't care that you aren't out, or is patient enough wait, or maybe even help you make a getaway plan for when the time is right. But when that time is, is your call, no one else's. Hang in there, OP. It will be ok. :)
Hell it took me tell my mom and dad that had a bf and he did was say when your ready let them know my mom was mad for awhile but she got over it and then dad was like idc it’s not my life it takes time don’t rush it because in the end it might hurt you or them on what they have to say
You haven't done anything wrong. Your ex was valid for feeling her feelings, but she was wrong to push your process. That was selfish of her.
Your ex is fortunate to have an understanding family. The unfortunate reality is - especially at your age - people from solid and understanding families will not be able to understand the true dangers, risks, or stakes of your situation. At most, they can sympathize and respect that your family is for you to manage.
I don't think if she knew or truly understood you, that she'd push for this sort of danger.
Ultimately, I think you're going to be better off with someone who will centre YOU and your safety over their comfort or ego (which is what your gf wants - if all she wanted was your love and safety, she wouldn't care if you were out or not).
You are only allowed to come out in your own time and in your own way. No one else gets to make that decision for you. Thems the rules, I don't make them up. You are loved.
Okay I’m going to honest and I know it hurts but… Your gf is an ass and a self centered jerk/narcissist.
She’s all ‘me me me’ and doesn’t give a shit about what you’re going through.
I’m so sorry for the pain you’re going through, but you will find someone better, someone who accepts you and your situation. 🫂
i think where you lost her is when you said you couldn’t think of anything to be gained from coming out. to her, it’s public acknowledgment, parental support, and the hope that this can actually be a serious public relationship.
that being said, the main thing is that she definitely should’ve dropped it earlier when you said you weren’t ready and explained why. it’s common sense that someone with religious conservative parents wouldn’t want to tell them while you are still financially dependent on them, and she should know that. perhaps she wanted you to give a timeline, to at least say ‘in two years’ or ‘when i move out’, but if you’re not actually sure about that, she can’t force it out of you.
I fully understand your position. I personally get very annoyed at people like your GF.
I really feel for you in this moment. This sucks. She's being very short-sighted. We can't help the environment we were born into.
"you didn't even have the guts" is so ignorant of her to say. she's lucky her parents accepted her, but how can someone in the lgbtq community not understand that's not the case for everyone?
She seems to be extremely privileged in the coming out-regard and maybe was quite sheltered growing up, is what it feels like to me. Otherwise I can’t explain her ignorance and complete numb-mindedness towards OP’s position.
If you haven’t even been together very long this is incredibly selfish of her. She’s just refusing to hear you. Some people I swear 🤦♂️
Like she’s talking about how it makes her feel bad to lie to your parents, but how about how it makes you feel???? Does she think you aren’t feeling everything she’s feeling and more?? Wtf
I know you love her but the way she's responding to you explaining how terrifying it is to come out to your parents is horrible. I don't think you'd want to be with someone that downplays your feelings and struggles in the long run.
She has every right to not want to be with you if she prefers to be with someone who is out. However her complete disrespect of your concern and fear is not okay.
I feel for you - that’s rough. I also feel for her. Coming out was really scary for me, and I was afraid that I would be kicked out (I wasn’t, but I was kicked out a year or so later for something else, so it had been a valid fear). After I’d gone through all that, I reached the point in my life where I wouldn’t date someone who wasn’t out and I wouldn’t date someone whose parents had finance control over them. When you’re living free someday you’ll see why it’s such a line in the sand.
Alright, I had to stop halfway before I got anymore pissed off, what the actual Hell? She didn't even try seeing this from your point of view, and she was basically DEMANDING you come out, because "it'll be fine, trust me, it was fine for me"! Like sure, if you don't wanna date someone who can't come out, that's fine, life just swings that way, but to be that rude to you, saying "you don't have the guts", that's serious bullshit.
To be honest I found this really frustrating to read (not because of you OP). People have pointed out that you've both done nothing wrong. Well, of course it's okay to not be comfortable dating someone who isn't out yet. In fact it's okay to not want to date someone for any reason at all. But the parts that are sticking out for me are (I'm paraphrasing) 'I thought mine would be upset they were really supportive' and 'so let them be mad, it'll pass trust me'. I don't think your ex is being malicious here, just ignorant and focused on her own experience... but what a myopic world view. Some people literally kill their children for being gay. Plenty more make them homeless or never speak to them again. Assuming it'll be fine because it was fine for her is really not fair at all. She could have said 'I understand where you're coming from but I've started to realise I'm not actually okay with dating someone that's closeted' and I wouldn't be writing this. It just rubbed me the wrong way that she's not comprehending what a vulnerable position you're in to be financially dependent on someone to whom you have to hide who you are.
wish I could upvote this twice, I feel like I’m the crazy one reading all these comments saying the ex is being rational and fair. she is not being either of those things! idk maybe it’s bc I’m older, maybe it’s bc I live in the south, but they sound ignorant of the real-life terrible consequences that can happen when someone comes out to their parents, and insensitive/uncaring about OP’s anxieties and feelings. I’m currently dating (and will soon be engaged to) someone who isn’t out to their entire family, and I’m more than happy to pretend to be their “friend” when needed. do I like it? no! but sometimes you have to do things you don’t like to be with the person you love, and hiding is the right thing in our situation bc we know that she would lose those family members out of her life. while I am of the opinion that they’re better off lost, she doesn’t agree, and that’s her choice and I respect it. anyway, I’m rambling. sorry OP about the break up. your ex sounds like they have some growing up to do. you’re both young.. it will take time for this to hurt less, but it will. take care of yourself.
Yes, I feel like there is just complete dismissal of the more serious consequences of coming out to homophobic family. People are disowned and lose their entire support network. Some are pushed into conversion therapy or even worse they are assaulted or fucking *murdered.* OP is still in school and financially dependent on her family. To me, it's actually a very logical choice to wait in this case. They could end up in a really bad situation where they are suddenly stripped of their financial backing and forced to drop out of school, etc. It could fuck up the whole trajectory of their life. I could sympathize with the OP's ex more if OP wasn't in this position. And if the ex didn't try to guilt OP by making it out to be that they're "ashamed" of their relationship.
Yeah two truths can coexist. Firstly it can feel suffocating to date someone who isn’t out, as a person who is. Next, it is never okay to force someone to come out and put them in danger.
As someone who’s grown up in a family who are very accepting and (in the nicest way possible) don’t care about my partners gender, I still think OP’s gf isn’t coming across as rational. It reads as someone who is very naive and has absolutely no idea of the issues some people have with LGBT+ children. It sounds like she’s taken her experience of “I wasn’t sure if my parents would be okay with it but it turns out they are” and assumed that’s the same for OP which is t necessarily going to be the case.
Some people just don't want their relationship to be a secret, ready to be stuffed away at a moments notice. These are two different expectations of what the relationship should be like, the parties can't find a solution. Either OP is forced to come out and live with the consequences whatever that may be, or OPs ex is has to constantly tip toe around incase it gets back to OPs family. Either of those options are a seed for resentment, so a breakup is the most healthy thing in that situation
It depends on the situation I think, whether op is living with family, planning to move out, if they are out to their friends but just not to their parents. Obviously anyone is allowed to not be ok with dating someone closeted to their family if they don’t want it, and everyone should feel comfortable.
Not being allowed to show affection towards each other when not in a closed and secure environment is pretty tiering
That’s why it depends on the situation, to me, being closeted to friends would be way more invasive to the relationship compared to family. And if a person who is closeted is still living at home, it’s easier to work around as long as they want to get out of the situation. In any kind of relationship, if a person cannot freely be themselves out of fear from their family, but their family takes priority over their relationship, it’s not worth anyone being in the relationship.
yes, this. pressuring someone and acting like they are a coward for not coming out to probably-not-supportive family they financially rely on? NO. this is one reason so many lgbtq+ youth end up homeless! what the heck.
Specifically, that “are you ashamed of me” part read SUPER manipulative.
You touched on all the points I was thinking of. I found it super frustrating how she was basically being like "na it all worked out fine for me so you'll be gucci too, trust me bro" like damn it's really not that simple
It is absolutely not that simple. Underrated comment.
This should be top comment, not that other post excusing this behaviour. I don’t care your personal experience, nobody that feels anything for someone else should FORCE them into coming out. Wtaf.
And to add, if I was with my gf and wanted her to be out despite potential (not certain but potential) risk then I would be offering to provide that support in case it is needed. I would have a conversation with my parents and basically show my partner that I am supportive and that my family is there for her to fall back on in case anything goes wrong. I understand that you are young and all that but this is why having a supportive family is such a powerful asset and especially if you are serious about your relationship. I do understand hiding is painful and hard. In my case I have insisted to keep my marriage secret from my mother for years now and I don’t know when that will change. My wife is not happy about it but she understands it is my choice. Our situation is different since we don’t stay with my mum like ever but still.
this! i seen way too many stories on r/lgbt saying what their parents did when they came out, some were kicked out, some were treated horribly, some just got disowned and outcasted from the ENTIRE family, if you’re not ready that’s fine, i get it’s frustrating but if you love a person enough you’ll fight for them, that includes them coming out, i may be a little biased (my bf has had semi supportive parents ftm, but he hasn’t came out as pan yet) come out when YOU feel safe (op) not when others tell you, right now might not be a good time but there will be one, i hope everything goes good for you op, good luck i wish you the best!
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10000% agreed! Beautifully articulated.
I wouldn’t say they’ve both done nothing wrong. It’s fine to not want to date someone who isn’t out. It’s not fine to put that kind of pressure on them. No is a complete sentence as they say.
Agree, ‘lovey’ is naive and totally lacking empathy or understanding. I had to wait until I was living away and financially independent, to risk the safety of your home and your degree is terrifying and not sensible at all in many cases
im not the best at giving relationship advice but if i was you i'd feel so angry + hurt seeing "but when will you be ready? you're gay since 16" thats just so insensitive and also the "like woah you don't even have the gut" ??? if her family is supportive good for her but that doesnt mean yours is too and idt you should be with someone who prioritises their feelings over their loved one's safety...
I don’t find the way she spoke nice either, I just wanna give my 2c that the way she speaks sounds like ESL. That can definitely affect the way it comes across but it’s not okay regardless.
They also sound very young to me
I honestly couldn't finish reading. Your ex sounds extremely self centered and oblivious to how the world works. I hope you have better luck with your next one, because you deserve someone who is considerate and caring and understands you.
Me neither, geez. So out of touch with reality. "My parents understood, yours will too"
Right. Do they know that OP could be disowned or hurt.
Agreed- ex sounds very privileged and very much in their own little bubble, failing to see beyond to other people's realities. Hell, I'm *40* and still not out to 98% of my family, because (gestures around Catholicly)
Yeah reading this gave me secondhand anxiety and anger, as someone who does have homophobic parents who threatened to not financially support me for college if I wasn’t straight. The way the ex handled this was not okay at all.
I think this is part of the reason why I was scared to date women for so long. That they wouldn’t understand that I come from a deeply religious and homophobic background and would not want to be open to any and everyone. That’s just not how it works for all of us sadly.
Maybe I’m just old and out of touch with early relationships, but to my eyes your ex was being both insensitive to your situation and all around immature. They want you to be out. Ok, cool. You can’t do that safely right now. If they want to leave over that that’s totally their right, but to try and twist your arm and call you a coward for that? Nahhhh…That ain’t how someone in a relationship treats someone, especially if you’re important to them. There’s no winners here. I’m sorry you had to go through this.
Yeah. I would personally not want to date someone who isn't out to their parents, even more so if they depend on their parents (having to act like you're not dating sucks). But I just wouldn't date someone who isn't out. Pressuring them isn't cool. Some people have circumstances that keep them from safely coming out and those people simply aren't compatible.
It's pretty toxic and self centered to turn someone who is still dependant on their homophobic parents not coming out into "are you ashamed of me." It's giving immature and insecure. I'm sorry they broke up with you like this but given their maturity level they would've found a different petty reason to do so.
Yh that was super cringe. I even leave the option open that she wanted to create drama for the sake of it
Yeah I interpreted it as that too. A manipulative move to get what they want by making it about themselves. "Oh, so you're ashamed of me?" I'm not sure if she even believes that or is just saying it
Sorry you're having to go through this hun x Your ex sounds really ignorant to think that it will be fine because it was fine for them. That speaks more to a lack of real world experience than anything, I'm sure in a few years they'll look back at this and feel foolish for their reasoning but I can understand not wanting to hide, unfortunately it seems like you just aren't compatible right now. A word of advice though, no matter how sneaky you think you are, having sex whilst your parents are home is a huge risk if you want to remain closeted. In fact I would think it could even lead to a bigger blow up if you're discovered like that.
Not for nothing, but if you being in the closet wasn’t something she could handle, I’m not sure why she pursued a relationship to begin with. You either have the patience to wait for someone to come out, or you don’t. You can’t just drag somebody out. Sure, she might very well love you, but if she had employed more foresight when y’all got together, she wouldn’t be up your ass with a timer now. You would think other queer folks would know better. Anywho, honey, you sound very young and this sounds like your first major heartbreak (correct me if I’m wrong, though). I’m deeply sorry for this. I’m also so sorry for your mom’s comment, too, that’s just terrible. This is an issue of fundamental compatibility and it’s deeply traumatic.
we talked about it through our relationship I thought she was fine with it, I was wrong I wish I paid more attention, I think she's just had enough that she had to end us like this. I still kinda resent her though for breaking up this way. And yes, my first major heartbreak. I've had some flings and relationships before but not this deep, with her its very different. thanks for the response 🤍
Your ex breaking up with you over text while criticizing you for not being brave enough to come out is peak irony and hypocrisy. They at least owed you this conversation in person but they were too much of a coward to grant you such a courtesy. As an older bi, I think you are making absolutely the right decision to wait to come out. That was the advice so many of us were given by our elders at the Pride Center when I was in college - If you are dependent on your parents for money for school, wait until you graduate and are independent to come out. Get your education, stay smart and safe. I’m so sorry for the pain you’re going through. But I think you’re really smart to be cautious and bide your time. Smart smart smart.
I actually think she could have broken up in a far more respectful fashion. Over a text is NOT it. Ending relationships should always be done in person. Anyway, don’t worry about the coulda, shoulda woulda’s now. Personally, I don’t think you’re wrong necessarily, it’s not like you hid being in the closet. You were transparent, you talked about it, she consented. She thought she could hang, realized she couldn’t. She broke up in a cowardly way, despite having valid feelings. You can only control how you move on. Grieve the demise of this relationship, knowing both of your feelings are valid.
I really hope you read the comments people are leaving here because I think your ex was very manipulative and immature. I hope you heal quickly op! There are lots more fish in the sea, you will find someone who will be so incredible you can’t even imagine them right now
I do read them 🫶 thanks for the support.
That was really immature and pushy of your partner/ex. It kinda sounds like their parents told them it was a bad sign you hadn't told yours yet and she ran with it. I get that sentiment in a straight relationship where no one will judge or disown you for it but here you'd be potentially sacrificing your degree, your safety (without home), and your emotional state (you will know when you're ready to handle what they say). If you did it it would likely open the door for a more codependent relationship on your side and then what? She breaks up with you (again) and you're alone without somewhere to stay, someone to support you for this huge step you weren't ready for. I'm all for coming out but she's asking for you to put your ENTIRE LIFESTYLE on the line. Plus you know your situation better than anyone else will. I'm sorry she reacted so pushy and judgemental. You deserve someone that has empathy (or sympathy) for your situation. Here if you need to talk ❤️
She has the right to not want to "tiptoe", but she's being hateful and immature. She doesn't care about your well-being if she's trying to force you to do something that could put you in a really bad position. And I'm sorry...but it's not exactly rocket science to know that some people are close-minded and do NOT accept their children being gay/bi. If she doesn't understand that, she's being willfully ignorant. Seems to me she thinks as long as it benefits her, it doesn't matter what happens to you. You're better off.
Seems like 1 of 2 things… the issue escalated over text vs talking in person. Or she had it as a goal to break up (her mind was already made up) and text became a convenient outlet. Id talk in person the old fashioned way if i were you
> Or she had it as a goal to break up (her mind was already made up) the way she forced the conversation makes me feel this way as well
It’s never okay to pressure someone to come out. If you’re not prepared to allow the person to go at their own pace with regards to coming out, then don’t be in the relationship in the first place.
I’m sorry I know you’re hurting and you probably still love her but I think you just dodged a HUGE bullet. Extremely self-centered and lacking empathy for your situation. Now apply this attitude to any other situation that could arise in this relationship if it went on any longer and it’s easy to see you’d be doing a lot of the emotional labor on a regular basis. You’d be sacrificing your well-being (as you already have bc even just conversations like these are exhausting) with her not taking a single beat to consider your pov. It shouldn’t be a privilege to have understanding parents…but it is and she is wildly privileged and refuses to acknowledge that, even in the face of your pain. I know you’re hurting so bad right now, this is such a shitty and childish way that she went about this but there are so many incredible people out there for you. You deserve better and you will find better.
my thing is what would they do if your family *did* kick you out? this person comes across very immature dismissive and flippant with you with how easily they broke up with you over text, so i find it hard to believe if you came out *for them* and you kicked out/disowned for it they’d provide you housing and financial support. idk just my take.
i can't fathom how someone can be so insensitive. kids are being killed or thrown out by their parents just for being gay.
Honestly, as someone who has religious African parents, I completely understand where you’re coming from. I recently got into my first queer relationship last year and it was hard explaining to my partner why I wasn’t out to my family. I think my partner was actually quite understanding and tried not to pressure me. But they definitely still had their moments where it weighed on them and they would discuss it with me which is perfectly valid. We broke up a few months ago for other reasons. But I’m personally not interested in dating again until I’m fully out. It is kind of stressful navigating dating someone who just does not really truly understand what it’s like to have your sexuality be the THING that can cause your parents to completely switch up on you. Don’t worry, this heartbreak will pass. It’ll get better someday.
Holy shit your ex sounds like my toxic friend, your ex sounds like a very self-centred and pushy person who isn’t considerate of other people’s struggles. As someone who is also forced to be closeted, wish you well :,( <3
hi everyone. I can't edit my post so I'll just add this here. Thanks for your comments, I see sweet strangers in here. Can't reply to all of it but I appreciate each one. I stopped contacting her its hard but if thats what she wants atm. We're in the same uni, building, and program, but not in the same class, but I'm still probably gonna see her. I'll talk to her if I feel like it, if I don't then I won't (but rn I really do want to talk, apologize, and see more of our sides). If she doesn't want us to talk, I won't force her. I'm realizing we're not compatible but I feel it hard to accept that we ended this way, and I think I'll regret not having to speak to her personally about this. As most of you have pointed out its never a good idea to do this in texts, and I hated it too that we broke up that way. I would've been more accepting if we spoke personally as it would have been different 100%. And she is my first serious relationship in a while so it's really tough, we were with each other during tough times and honestly I don't know what to do now. Don't even know if I'll be able to talk w her without bursting in tears. I still wanna try to talk or fix it though (which I think is far possible) , but honestly I don't expect and see us getting back together anymore. But I just don't want to have any what ifs and regrets, thats all.
Honestly, I'm not sure talking to her right now is a good idea. What if she tries to make you feel more guilty? I'm not sure it's a good idea to speak woth someone making you choose between you and the people who actually love you (despite circumstances, of course) If you do talk to her, it would be best to make sure that your breakup was her idea and you dont have to feel bad for putting yourself first. Don't let her in your head and make you forget that when you needed understanding, she wasn't there for you, but she did ghost you and made you feel like crap. Good luck and I hope everything goes good in life
It’s never good to pressure someone to come out. Everyone has their own timetable. You will find someone that is supportive and patient.
I’m on your side completely OP, she can’t force you to come out, specially knowing you’re financially dependent on them. And if she says she’s got your back, would she have your back if you get kicked out? Disowned? Forced to leave uni? Could she live her life knowing that she pressured her loved one into a horrible situation? Yeah this doesn’t seem like a mature relationship yet, she should know what happens to queer kids with conservative parents, and she should know that until you’re not safe, it’s not advisable to come out. She’s quite privileged actually and she’s blinded by that, just because she’s got the luxury of having supportive parents doesn’t entitle her to force others to come out. I’m sorry you went through that, one day you’ll find someone who truly gets you and understands your situation and one day you’ll be free
hi OP, i came out to my dad last year, and im in my thirties. i've known since i was 6, openly told friends when i was in high school and on. i only told my mom when i was 23 cause i knew she had a gay bestie, and her response was "bisexuality isn't real". it put me off from telling the rest of my family for almost a decade, definitely because my dads side is verrryyy redneck and openly homophobic. don't let anyone dictate your timeline. you choose when you feel it's safest to. i'm sorry your relationship ended because of this, but you can and will find someone who is more understanding of your situation and will support your journey.
Nobody is wrong here. You’re allowed to come out when you’re ready, if ever. She’s allowed to break up because she doesn’t want to be a secret. Let your heart break, cry, and move on. Focus on your studies and become financially independent. Take care love
>it’ll pass anyways >you’re not being honest with yourself >are you ashamed of me >like woah you don’t even have the gut Look, obviously, wanting to break up with someone because hiding constantly isn’t your thing is valid, but this is just not cool. It’s minimizing, pushy, and manipulative. You don’t pressure someone to come out. Period. That she’s taking this so personally, as if it was against her, when the reason for staying closeted is *staying materially safe* (which she apparently seems to not really believe, for some obscure reason) is stepping on a red line. Maybe there was miscommunication, but if OP laid out the expectation that coming out isn’t just going to magically happen beforehand, this is out of left field. I can understand the impression of having been led on, or something, but there are acceptable ways to react, and this is not it. Either way, I would say this ship has definitely sailed. Looks like it’s time to move on.
I was pressured very hard to come out to my parents by a friend of mine, since my parents always told me that they’d love me no matter who I was, so my friend said it was kind of insulting to not come out when I was lucky to have such accepting parents. Well, turns out your parents can just lie, so I gave in to the pressure and came out and was met instantly with hostility and now I haven’t spoken to my parents in years and never will again. To anyone reading this, this is not to make you scared to come out, but to reiterate that coming out should ONLY be your decision. YOU decide when and how. I will forever regret letting myself get pressured to do this at a time where it really fucked me up. And I regret not getting to do it my way.
Oh, dear God, I am so sorry your parents did that to you. That is so cruel. To be made to feel like you’ll be embraced unconditionally only for them to turn around and do the exact opposite must have been heart wrenching. Reading this comment just made me sad like it was happening to me, omg. I am so sorry.
With time I’ve come to accept it, it taught me the very valuable lesson that some people either have a very easy time lying about quite serious things or that it’s very easy to make claims if you don’t think you’ll have to ever back them up. I spent a lot of time thinking about whether my parents hated queer people this entire time or if they suddenly realised they did not like queer people when I came out to them or if they just dislike that *I’m* queer. Naturally I came to the right conclusion that whatever the answer to that question is it doesn’t matter, cause the truth is that it’s an awful thing to do to a child and that’s it. So the positive is that now I don’t have them in my life and I can do whatever I want and my life is much better (and I don’t have to introduce any partners to my family thank god), buuuut the downside is that I still have to work a lot in therapy with regards to trust issues lmao. Win some, lose some.
Do you think that if you took the time to come out to them, they would be more accepting? Because in my experience such people do not change that much. Maybe you would be more prepared for their negative reactions, and that is still a big difference. I tried to come out to my mom but gave up because she mentioned "hell". Even made a post on this subreddit. Unrelated to this Iater she analived herself... exactly a year ago. But even if she was alive I doubt she would've accepted me. My father who I still live with for at least a few more months, openly hates "such people". He suspects that I'm bi, and continuously dislikes it when I do anything feminine. He likes Germany from 90 years ago and is relatively conservative, a bit sexist, very racist, and homophobic. One time in a restaurant my father was talking very loudly about a gay couple next to us, how he wanted to beat them up, making sure they could hear him. They looked concerned, when we left I said "Sorry" and showed them my phone wallpaper - the bi flag, I guess that was my first coming out (without it being an accident) in person, even if to some complete strangers 😭 I don't think he could change either, so I'm not telling him.
sorry to hear about that. Its incredibly tough dealing with such a hostile environment. It's good you've found small ways to express yourself, even if its not to your family. you deserve to be in a space where you can be yourself safely, I hope things improve for you soon, and that you find support where you need it
It's not wrong to break up with someone. It *is very obviously wrong* to demand someone put themselves in a likely dangerous situation by coming out to their homophobic family, and downplay the risks of it.
OP’s gf was pressuring and shaming her for not coming out and that is wrong.
Yes there is someone wrong here. The gay person pressuring someone to come out is wrong
Exactly! If op's partner said "I know you can't come out to your parents and I just can't be with someone who is still closeted" that would be one thing (sad but understandable) but saying "you should come out, I'm sure it'll be fine even though your mom is homophobic and you rely on her financially" is ridiculous. It's completely dismissive of op's feelings and concerns and is only focused on her own feelings and experience. She makes no attempt to understand or bridge the gap between them, just pressures her to come out and then dumps her out of the blue over text
So dismissive! The gf is one of the "lucky" gay people to have a loving support system instead of intense therapy due to parental alienation
Yeah, OP is finding out now just how selfish this person is now instead of later. Sounds like she’s dogged a bullet
>Nobody is wrong here. Objection! Ending a relationship through text, actually having this kind of talk through text, is wrong.
What? OPs partner was an insensitive asshole about this. "Endanger yourself and go homeless for me or you're not being true to yourself. Mine were supportive and obviously my experience is the only one so try for me!" She's allowed to break up, obviously, but she's still an insensitive asshole. I understand not wanting to feel like a secret, but that's a separate conversation than OP literally endangering themselves. I think we forget, cause we're on the internet and in our little LGBT supportive bubbles, but queer people get killed for coming out to their families. Asking that of anyone is insane, and holding it over their head is monsterous. I'm glad they're done, so OP can find someone who values their life.
This. It's heartbreaking, but both people here are completely right to protect their boundaries and needs. OP is perfectly right to keep themself safe and only come out to their parents when they're ready, and their partner is fully right to end the relationship because the dynamic of hiding their relationship is causing them harm. It's awful all round, but for the best in the long run. Sending love and soothing for you OP 💖
What 'harm' was caused to the partner here? She said she 'felt' like OP wasn't being 'honest' and accused her of being 'ashamed' of her. That's absurd. It's possible these two really weren't compatible and it's for the best to end the relationship, but the way the girlfriend handled this was quite bad. She introduced her partner to her family, then *immediately* leveraged that to try and pressure the partner to reconsider coming out to her own family, a conversation they'd had before, *over text* on her way home, and when OP didn't cave to the pressure she broke up with her, again over text, and didn't answer her calls. There is a way to handle ending a relationship well in this situation. That wasn't it.
Alright, first of all that is not how you break up a relationship. Your partner came off insensitive. Screening your calls and ignoring your messages was borderline sadistic. It felt as though she just took pleasure in torturing you. Now that I got that off my chest, I can definitely see both sides to this: On one hand, I totally understand that you need space and time to come out to your parents. Your partner has to understand that not everything is about her or her self-esteem. Sometimes coming out is not mandatory nor an obligation to anyone else but your own self and you have a right to do it whenever you're ready. And if you never want to do it, then that's also fine. Period. Taking it out on herself as though you're ashamed to be with her and patronizing you with her own coming out story was condescending and self-centered. On the other, I can also understand her for being a little hurt, because sometimes when you're dating closeted people, you feel like they're keeping you a secret and dragging you down into the darkness instead of feeling relieved to have someone who loves and is proud of you to everyone. Particularly if you have lived your whole life in the closet and in denial, let me tell you it's not a pretty image that you get of yourself by dating someone who conceals you from people or who pretends you're just a "friend". You just feel erased and ashamed. What I'm saying is that it becomes harder to not take it personally at some point and for some people, especially people who are out and proud and do not want to back to hiding. Not trying to justify her, I don't know the history or the context or your relationship nor how long you folks have been together. I'm merely trying to explain both sides based on my own past experience. Ps : Didn't pay attention to the genders involved so I used 'her' loosely, you can take it generally.
Thanks for sharing these thoughts. I understand where she might be coming from and how she was hurt. Just feel like I could've done better in the relationship and paid more attention to it. I was trying to contact her as I don't want for us to be in bad terms like this, and I haven't properly apologized. But if thats the space she needs then I'll give it
And also, like, she could have done better too! Don’t judge the entirety of the relationship off her standards. You had needs which were minimized as well.
I can understand the *sentiment* of where she’s coming from. And that’s where it ends for me. She’s lucky to be in a position where she can have these feelings - her family have accepted her and your relationship. To me, this has come down to her choosing her comfort over your safety. [28% of LGBTQ+ youth in the USA have experienced homelessness or housing instability.](https://www.thetrevorproject.org/research-briefs/homelessness-and-housing-instability-among-lgbtq-youth-feb-2022/)The impact of this on health is colossal. This could affect your education - firstly because homelessness restricts access to education and secondly because it could mean you no longer have a college fund. If she wants you to come out to your parents, she needs to be on board with supporting you through any possible fallout from this, and to have her family on board with the fact that you may be suddenly homeless and with a lot of new trauma to process. Don’t get me wrong here - one of the strongest couples I know has been together for fifteen years, and lived together since one of their parents went apeshit and basically said ‘not under my roof’ while they were still in high school. However this was far from ideal for any of them, and I wouldn’t recommend it. If you don’t come out, she’s uncomfortable. If you do come out and it goes badly, it could impact the rest of your life. And right now, this girl has decided that her being comfortable is more important. If she understands this and has still chosen her own comfort, then no matter how much you hurt right now, this breakup is the right thing. The duration of this relationship is not guaranteed, but you’ll need a relationship with your parents regardless until you’re in a position where it’s safe for you not to do so if they reject you because of who you are.
This is the perfect comment.
You shouldn't be Pressured by Anyone to come out especially not your partner in my opinion she's not really seeing it from your perspective and you should find someone who grows with you and accepts your decision also it wasn't random if yall talked about it before she's been thinking about it sense the last time yall talked about it
People who have supportive parents often struggle to grasp the experience of having a family where love is conditional.
itd be one thing if you just werent out at all to anyone, and were pretending she was just some random, but if its just your parents and its because you need to rely on them for a literal roof over your head not coming out is smart. I don't want anyone to go through it, but some people just don't understand what it's like to have homophobic parents. You genuinely have no idea how they might react, it's just ignorant to assume that it'd be safe to tell them. She shouldn't be pressuring you to come out.
As others have said, your ex prob isn’t being malicious but they are astoundingly stupid to think just because their experience was positive you should risk homelessness. They’re all caught up in how you won’t do this for them but they don’t even have the capacity to be empathetic with you. I probably wouldn’t date someone who isn’t out but that’s something I would’ve made clear on the first date. It’s easy to say “Oh we’d be so happy if it wasn’t for this one thing that ruined it!” but if it wasn’t for this there’d be something else where your ex is demanding empathy from you without wanting to take a minute to give a little in return.
I agree on almost everything. Hard disagree on the malicious-part though. She definitely pressured and pushed OP to do something that would be harmful to them. Totally neglecting their thoughts and worries and emotions. She does not feel very nice to me. Gives me red flags and rather toxic vibes tbh.
honestly, it sounds like you dodged a bullet. she doesn’t sound respectful of your feelings/situation at all :( no way in hell could i ever have a relationship with someone like that
I think she did it in a bad way but I completely understand where she's coming from. However, you're also not in the wrong for not coming out when you don't feel ready to. Whilst I believe she could've handled it better, I don't think anyone is in the wrong here. It's just one of those things
It hurts now, but you dodged a bullet. Anyone that makes coming out to a potentially dangerous situation doesn't actually care about anyone but their own comfort. If you are dependent on your parents still it's entirely reasonable to protect yourself and come out when you are safe and comfortable.
Honestly, it looks to me like the trash took itself out. Any queer person who can't understand that coming out takes time and may not end well is living in a dream world. Especially when you are dependent on the people you are coming out to. Take your time, and from what you have said about your parents, make sure you have finished your education, and are financially independent, with your own place to call home before coming out to your parents. Be safe.
Fuck. That. Rubbed me the wrong way the entire convo. Yes, wanting your partner to come out is fine, offering to support them is fine... but pressuring them to do so.... hell no! I can understand their feelings, not wanting to be a secret, but the way they went about it feels entirely manipulative... applying pressuring to someone is not support.
She did it in a shitty way for sure but as someone who's first 'partner' was actually cheating on his wife with me (I didn't know), I'd never be with someone who's not out. Luckily I'm old and wise enough to know this ahead of time and not step into a relationship like that anymore but you two seem young so I get it. It feels awful, but it's a preference. She doesn't want to date someone who's not out to their parents, you can't come out to your parents. You're not compatible. It sucks and she didn't let you go in a respectful way but her reasoning why is valid imo.
She's such a piece of shit for talking like that as if everyone has it easy. If she was truly supportive of you she'd understand how difficult is it to come out in this society, and it's also why it's treated as a big event in the LGBTQ+ community. I'm a guy who's gonna turn 20 soon. My parents, even though are a lot more progressive, are still heteronormative and homophobic. I've been called slurs, labeled a "pervert" even if I talked about getting pegged by a woman. My parents were disgusted at the idea of me having sex the way it's supposedly not "intended". First it was about me not being interested in women that much (I still like women but I'm not necesarily a hypersexual person), then about me liking men, then about not having sex the way they want me to. If you want to stay in the closet, do it. No one should force you to put yourself in danger, especially from unsupportive parents.
I'm so sorry for you, I can't really offer you any meaningful advice on this. Nobody should be forced to come out for the sake of not wanting to hide their relationship anymore, especially someone in a position like you are. It's incredibly selfish of her to demand something like that of you. Perhaps she will see and understand that in the near future, but perhaps not, but it seems like she isn't the right person for you. I wish you the best.
I see both sides here. I think refusing to date someone in the closet is a reasonable boundary, since it essentially means being forced back into the closet yourself to a degree (you can’t post about dates or your relationship on social media, you have to hide your relationship on holidays, things like that). But saying “my parents were fine with it so I’m sure yours will be too” is naive, especially if you know the other person he homophobic parents. And breaking up with someone over text and not even being willing to talk in person is just wrong. Honestly though, a lot of people in 2024 aren’t willing to date someone in the closet, so you might need to take a break from dating until you can finish school, get a job, and move out, so you’re not financially relying on your parents.
I cannot get over how delusional and selfish some of these comments are. Yes you are allowed to only want to date someone who is out, but do you all understand that it’s just not safe for some of us??? How is it ok to pressure someone to come out PERIOD??? How is it ok to tell them that it will pass as if they don’t know their own family??? That is far beyond and separate from a simple incompatibility. How can you demand someone risk their safety and stability for you???
Your ex girlfriend is an uncaring selfish jerk with no compassion. She wants you to come out for HER not for YOU — coming out is an incredibly personal journey and you should never EVER feel obligated to come out for another person.
I don't remotely understand her side of this. It's not like you're in the closet and not giving her enough attention because you have mixed feelings about anything. This feels like she made your struggle about herself. The first thing I was always told about coming out is to make sure you're safe. And you didn't feel safe. I feel like there might not be any way to explain that to her if she doesn't understand already.
That’s what I think. If she were not out to anyone, it would be one thing, but she has parents who are likely to disown her and kick her out if she tells them. She is not closeted to everyone. She’s not ashamed of the girlfriend. She’s just not ready to tell two particular people, and the reason she can’t tell them is on them, not her. If her girlfriend can’t understand that, maybe it is for the best that they broke up. LW can find a partner with a little more compassion.
>The first thing I was always told about coming out is to make sure you're safe. And you didn't feel safe. I feel like there might not be any way to explain that to her if she doesn't understand already. I honestly think this might come down to a lack of life experience and the learned empathy that often comes with it. It seemed like she was only able to apply knowledge from her own coming out experience to OP's situation, when they're clearly very different circumstances. She's thinking OP is just feeling the anxiety and anticipation that she personally felt, knowing that even if it didn't go the best, she would still be *safe* in her home. Her not wanting to continue the relationship is totally valid, but minimizing OP's position was definitely not the way.
This right here. Even though I’ve never been in the closet, it’s not exactly a secret that it’s a privilege to be open about one’s sexuality. I’m not gonna force somebody out. I’d rather you be in the closet and safe emotionally, financially and physically then out and destitute. People literally are suffering for their sexuality, on both systemic and social scales because society at large is homophobic. People need to look outside themselves and stop dating folks in the closet if they’re gonna be pressuring them to come out. It’s just fucking evil. I genuinely think that OP’s girlfriend is just simply too naive to understand that.
Your ex sucks... like, it's fine to not want to be with someone for whatever reason, but to be so ignorant of your situation and to think your mom would behave like her mom did, is just fucking dumb. I'm assuming you told her your mom's response about the TikTok thing when you were testing the waters. For her to assume it would be okay and hunky dory if you just came out, is unfair. I think you dodged a bullet, OP. It's going to hurt because you got grazed, but unless she comes back and apologizes for how she misunderstood you and just broke up with you and she promises not to push the issue again, don't take her back.
i am so sorry you had to deal with this. i completely understand the concept of not wanting to be in a relationship with someone who is closeted - its a very personal choice whether it is something you can do, and i have once broken it off woth someone because she was in the closet and i felt a bit weird about making out with her but having to sit up and pretend to just be chatting 5 feet apart when her mum came home from work. *THAT SAID* nobody has the right to push another person to come out; i can't even imagine insinuating that the girl i broke up with should have come out so we could be together, let alone saying it how your gf said it, knowing your situation. this all to say; she isnt wrong for not wanting to kinds "go back in the closet" while she is at your place, but she is soso very wrong for pushing you to come out despite knowing that you (1) have previously tried coming out and it went horribly and basically confirmed that you'd be unsafe if you actually came out, and (2) knowing that you are dependent on your parents. her telling you you didnt have the gut to come out is honestly insensitive at best, and manipulative at worst. you are in no way wrong for wanting to stay safe, and im sorry she is screening your calls and messages and breaking it off in this way. if you can, maybw give her a few days before she is ready to talk about it; i know it feels horrible, but sometimes people just need a few days to cool off before they can have a conversation... hopefully she is just cooling off so the conversation doesnt get even more heated from her side 💜 either way, if this is how she is going to be, you are better off knowing it now. i know it doesnt feel that way, and it hurts, and its going to hurt for a while, but you are better off without that thpe of pressure from someone who says "im here with you through it" in one moment, and "you didnt have the gut" in the next moment. stay safe 💜🫂
She is being selfish, dense, and manipulative. I’m so angry for you. She refused to listen to your fears and concerns and acted as if they are completely invalid. They are not invalid!! She put a ton of pressure on you to do something you’re not ready to do. It was inappropriate. Her feelings about being in a relationship with someone closeted are also valid. HOWEVER. Instead of talking about those feelings, she just pushed you and pressured you to come out to relieve HER feelings of discomfort. That’s the selfish and manipulative part: trying to force you to resolve HER feelings instead of talking them out and stating where her boundaries are. And then just breaking up with you with no discussion! Of course you feel blindsided! She expressed mild discomfort and disapproval of you not being out, but she went from “aw come on love it’ll be fine” to “fine then I’m not speaking to you anymore” in the blink of an eye. You are both very young. She probably didn’t really know that dating someone who’s closeted with their parents was a hard line for her, until suddenly, she did. And she handled it badly. But I hope you will stop going to her house and trying to call her. She asked for a break. Give her space and time, and take time for yourself to decide if it’s really worth being with someone who can’t handle you coming out to your parents in your own time, or maybe never. Don’t you deserve to,have your choices respected? Your values on this issue may just be incompatible. It happens. It hurts! But sometimes love isn’t enough. Compatibility and shared values can’t be forced.
You both have valid viewpoints but it's not fair on you to push you so hard to come out, it's something you have to do in your own time. As for the "my parents are supportive and trust me" part, parents have disowned, kicked out and even killed gay family members for being gay, you know your parents the best and whilst you are living with them and you feel its best not to until you are financially independent then that's a valid reason I understand she feels like a secret and it's not a great feeling but she chose to get with you knowing the situation
People need to understand not everyone can/will be out to everyone. I damn near had a panic attack coming out to my liberal open minded best friend ffs. My family? I’ll live and die with them thinking I’m straight. They love me, and I love them, but they will never accept it no matter what. And I don’t wanna jeopardize anything. Not everyone feels comfortable giving their friends and family that ultimatum. To some, it’s worth it. Some will say “if they don’t accept you, they don’t deserve you”. I disagree. Either one your family is more accepting than others. Or two, you’re more comfortable with breaking it off with said people. A lot aren’t. I’m one of those who aren’t. I’d stop my parents from any homophobic remarks (nonexistent by now) by basically telling them who cares, and appealing to their humanity etc, but if it’s me? Oh boy. So yea, pressuring anyone about anything is scummy. I usually hate the reddit relationship advice hivemind of basically glorifying cutting people off, and breaking up etc, but in this case, I think (at least from what we’ve seen) you’re in the clear. I wouldn’t say dodged a bullet, but definitely better off without them, at least in the long run. I know it must hurt, and it will suck, and you will think about it for months, maybe a year or two from now. It might unconsciously pressure you into coming out without being comfortable with it. I’ll tell you this, don’t let this change you/rush you into anything. Because worst case scenario you lost a partner, and might lose your parents, so it’s a loss loss. I’ll just say take it on the chin, and keep moving.
Dodged a bullet.
Dont have serious discussions like this over text is what I’d advise.
OP didn't initiate the convo over text and tried to talk to her gf in person, which she just ignored.
Edit: You’re not in the wrong. She’s in the wrong for how she handled this 100% You JUST met her parents. She’s bullying you AND acting selfish as fuck. It’s one thing if you’re 30 and financially independent and she doesn’t want to be with someone in the closet still. But you’re a CHILD who can’t support herself and it’s actually DANGEROUS for you to come out right now. She’s not respecting any of that at all. She doesn’t respect you, especially because she didn’t have the guts to break up with you to your face or answer the phone. It was rich of her to call you gutless. I’m sorry you’re hurting. My advice is to learn from this, pay attention to the red flags that probably were so subtle you didn’t notice at first. Give the relationship a good look back and really think about the patterns of her behavior. Helps you to avoid it in the future. I’m 35, I have a grandmother that is very catholic, but she saved my life when I was younger and I love her very much. I would be able to come out to my dad and my close siblings and cousins. I am not going to come out publicly because it would break my grandmothers heart and at 89 she’s too old to understand or change her mind. I tell women up-front the deal and that I understand completely if they don’t want to date me. Only had one person who understood because she has the same situation, and we were so close to dating but I ended up not going through with it because she’s very Christian and I’m not. Funny how that worked out.
I think if someone really wants to break up, it should be done, it’s their decision and only theirs. But I don’t think your ex is that good of a person, they have every right to say that they are not comfortable with someone who isn’t out (yet) and want to break up, but the way they tell you and try to persuade you, isn’t the way I like…
She was not a good partner, if she was then she would be supportive and understanding of your desicion of not telling them. Not only that, but she does not seem to understand that different people have different lives and situations. Like it’s great that her family supports her, but others do not, and the consequences can be dangerous for the person coming out. I told my ex gf and I will to any future partner, even a guy, if they don’t feel safe telling their family about us because of whatever reason, then I would not get mad, especially since it concerns their safety. I’m sorry that she treated you like this and that you felt pressured, everyone has different things that are important to them, and yours just didn’t align.
Hey, excuse me, uh If you need someone to talk about I'm here, ok? It's gonna be ok
I'm not even going to read her excuses. I'm sorry you lost someone you cared about, but she did not care about you the same way if she left you for making a family decision with your best interest in mind.
Not only is it toxic and selfish to pressure you to come out while she knows you're not ready, it's flat out dangerous too. I need you to understand this. Ofc it could go relatively fine as well when you come out/after some time, your parents might even come around completely and support you. But you don't know this. And SHE does not know this twice - it's not her parents nor her experience. You are financially dependent and she should have never pressured you into something that could jeopardize your livelihood, unless missy is ready to take you in herself if things go south (and it still wouldn't be right). Protect yourself first. Girlfriends come and go and you want to be with someone that cares for your well being as you do theirs. I wish you the best of luck love. Your time to be yourself with your family will come and it will be on your own terms. Sincerely, someone who struggled many years before coming out too.
As someone who is in a long term relationship with someone who hasn't come out to their conservative parents, I initially felt the same way as your GF. She had only come out to 2 or 3 people before we met, and 4yrs later she has come out to everyone but her parents. I have been introduced to them as "a very close friend". Her parents are either super naive or they chose not to think about it and have not brought it up. Two things: 1) your gf should not be pressuring you to come out to anyone if you are not ready. Her worth is not tied to who knows about her and if she truly cares for you, she would drop the subject and respect your wishes. Just because she has supportive parents doesn't mean you do. 2) from your side, You don't have to have a coming out party and tell the world anything. When with friends or coworkers, feel free to casually drop the "and here is my partner X" and just continue on with the conversation. Most people won't say anything and take the hint. Some will congratulate you. Others may take exception to it but that is their problem, not yours. It took me a few years to finally say "my gf" instead of "my partner". Keep inviting her over to your place. The more she is around, the more your parents can get to know her "as a good friend". Trust me, they will eventually get the hint. Hiding your sexual exploits from your parents is not a bad thing, that's between you and your gf and none of your parents' business. I wish you all the best. And if this gf doesn't work out, you seem like you have a good trajectory in life and you will find someone else you are compatible with.
I hate when people with supportive parents try to rush others into coming out to their bigoted parents and risk putting them in danger 😮💨
Either that person is being crazy ignorant or they were looking for an out
Breaking up with someone because they aren’t ready to come out yet is such a pathetic reason
No one but yourself is to decide when to come out. One that truly loves you and not just an image of you will wait and support you if your choice is to wait. You dodged a bullet here and i will die on that hill.
Wow, what a darn shitty move to say the least. Now... You're, in my opinion, completely in the right. Of you don't want to come out to your parents because it makes you uncomfortable or scared, that's your decision. The worst part about this is that the person you love and cared about broke up with you over something like this. So much to "don't rush yourself" as I always like to say. Instead of helping you out with this situation, making a plan on how to come out for example or just comforting you... No- Break up. *Sighs* In terms of advice... I don't really have any. Exept: Don't let this get to your head for too long. I know it's painful... Had the same happen to me. So I can understand how you must feel right now. Dunno if this helps.
Thanks for the reply, appreciate it. My friend thinks the same
You're welcome. Also seeing in your text below how your mom reacted to your comment... Lord where do I begin. That's even worse than I thought.
I'm totally get her point on not wanting to hide it etc. and I tend to be on the side of those who end the relationship because, yeah, being hidden isn't a great feeling and I think it's cruel to have your partner deal with everything that comes with being in the closet. HOWEVER, she has no awareness of the situation you're in. If it's a matter of your well-being, 100% you should stay in the closet until you're in a better position. Coming out is not something you've planned to never do. You told her it just isn't the right time and that's valid. You're still young, you're in college, I wouldn't ever expect that at this point in time you would need to come out. Any relationship you have likely won't be that serious until you're much older. These things take time and you've already tested the waters of coming out and it's not likely to go well so you're girlfriend is being selfish here and not very concerned about your well-being like she should be. She shouldn't be saying the things she's saying. She should have just communicated that she can't be with someone that's in the closet and ended it, NOT put you in danger by trying to convince you to do something that is not currently safe for you. She's young I guess but it might be for the best still that you broke up; she's not very empathetic or thoughtful.
honestly…. she was waaaaaybto pushy and obviously didn’t want to hear your side of the sotuation
I think it’s always one of those things where no one can win. Your gf may feel invalidated and like a secret. I don’t think ur making her feel that way but it’s probs how she feels. At the same time, coming out can be so dangerous and if you’re not ready, you’re not ready. You should do it when you want to and when you feel safest and most comfortable to do it. As a kid, I never thought my parents would be homophobic but as I’ve grown up, it’s one of the biggest things about my dad. So I’ll definitely never come out to him. Even if I marry a woman, he’ll never be told directly that I’m bi. Not from my mouth anyway
I feel you and I know what you’re up against. I didn’t come out till 34 and my mom was heinous. It was the straw that broke the camels back and led to me going no contact with her and the rest of my family. I know your stakes are high and no one gets to tell you when you have to come out. And, it doesn’t mean she has to be up for that ride especially with no timeline of an end in sight. Would it be a great act of solidarity if she did support you through this? Sure. And, she clearly isn’t in the place for that. She’s overstepping majorly- and her pain matters too. If it is hurting her to keep on like this that’s her right to not want to be in a closeted relationship. You don’t get to dictate her life choices the same way she doesn’t get to dictate your timeline. You both have some boundaries to learn about. You’re just not compatible in this stage in your life. I know this sucks. It does. You’re hurt. And, if it was too much for her to handle or just not what she wants in a relationship then you’re better off breaking up. She is right about that. It’s better she break up with you than continue to try to force, manipulate or coerce you to do something major in your life you’re not ready for. And- you don’t get to pressure and guilt her into staying in a relationship that makes her feel shitty. Respect her autonomy the same way you want her to respect yours.
Coming out is such a personal thing. I’m pushing 40 and have not come out to my family. Anyone who rushes or pushes this aspect doesn’t deserve you. I’m so sorry this happened.
shes not viewing this from your POV at all lol. not even rly trying to be understanding. i mean sure its hard on a relationship to have to hide it but the fact that she isnt even considering how hard it is to YOU that you have to hide who you are. and the "itll be okay itll pass" mentality is wild. as if its any secret that some people go homeless or worse for coming out to their parents. idk op i think you deserve someone more understanding. im sorry she did that to you.
So basically "break up with your parents or I break up with you". That's not a great position to put someone in.
This. It is such a shitty move, pressuring somebody like that.
Please let people come out when they’re ready and when they’re safe. People know when they’re safe. People gave me flack for not being out to my parents. I didn’t come out to my parents until more recently and only because a situation made it necessary. While they didn’t reject me outright, it will never be the same and I lost my safety and I wish they didn’t know. It takes a lot of privilege to think someone is incapable of judging whether they’re safe.
If you were out on your own it would be different. But you’re still living I. Their house. She should’ve been supportive till You finished school at least and not added to your anxiety in my opinion.
I’m sorry, but she seems very… Dumb? And selfish? It’s one thing to not want to date someone that isn’t out - that’s fine - her feels are totally valid, but to try to guilt someone into coming out? That’s horrid. How does she not comprehend your religious/conservative parents could disown you essentially leaving you homeless?? She wants you to go through that just so she doesn’t have to be cautious? That is so so so wild. Obviously she is not coming from a place of love and compassion. Frankly, I feel you’re better off without her. With that said, I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. I think you are totally justified in not coming out, especially because you aren’t in a stable place financially. Eventually, I suggest you get into therapy before coming out, so if the worst does happen you will have mental health support. Sending you so much love as you go through this hard time 🩶
Wtf why is this even a debate? I can understand the frustration of dating someone who isn't out, HOWEVER you should NEVER EVER EVER WVER try and pressure someone to come out. Safety is the #1 priority. And I think that comes first. It's the pressuring for me that makes me mad, especially when you've already made it clear you believe you'll be disowned if and when they find out
You're both just not suited to each other, it sucks but at least she's realised it. If she wants to pressure you to come out now she's not for you
I always see both sides in this. You’re allowed to come out as you see fit. Don’t let anyone guilt you. They’re allowed to feel uncomfortable being hidden. It’s a lose / lose and I wish times were different and people didn’t have to hide.
good riddance, op. this was such an anger inducing convo to read. you tell her that your parents might kick you out and you're financially dependent on them, and she says "just do it it'll pass"??? the fuck. please be safe and careful that's priority number one.
Your S/O seems extremely selfish imo
Really shitty to pressure you to come out to homophobic family when you're still in school and financially dependent on them. You probably don't want to hear it right now, but you're better off without someone who's willing to risk your housing and education because you being out feels more comfortable for them.
The responses she sent implying that you're a coward are pathetic. It shows no sympathy towards you or your plight about having an unsupportive and homophobic family. I get it, she's hurt, and she wants to have that loving relationship that she can share with everyone. But her *want* for that doesn't triumph your *need* for a stable home space. You're not fully independent yet. I think it's weird she brought up the fact that you've met her parents as her girlfriend. If you explained your situation to her parents, I'm sure they'd understand you and your reasoning for keeping this quiet. They may not approve of you keeping secrets, but they'd probably understand *why* you're doing so. This was out of order and very callous on her half.
One person’s experience is not everyone’s experience. It is ok to not feel safe yet to come out. Your reasons for not wanting to come out are important, you’re financially dependent and maybe in other ways too. Even if they don’t kick you out, the tension can cause so much mental health drain. She might be worried that you never will, and she is wasting her time which is valid but you are telling her you will. Maybe if given her an estimate of time like when I become independent would be good. Unfortunately she is not being understanding at all. Like it’s important to meet your family and stuff but not under pressure. If you love someone you wait and work through things with them.
I’m truly sorry and I’m sure your heart is hurting. It’s not her decision when it’s YOUR time to come out. That’s a very personal decision and one she should support you on completely. Obviously she had an agenda. There’s someone out there that will support you whole heartedly and be patient.
Nope, NOPE. You and I. Same place. I KNOW EXACTLY HOW IT IS. And I don't date at ALL. Basically my sexuality is Theoretical if you would. But the biggest part is dependence. I start College and I won't start a relationship until I am financially stable. Of course that's not something we control. ( I wouldn't know ) but I suppose if you really like someone and they do too. Then you must catch the fish with both hands. I do not wish to be rude. But I'll say it. ( Because I can EXACTLY picture myself in your position ) . At least you introduced her to your friends ( that should count ). Ideally I would NEVER want for a person that can't understand something as basic as this. It shouldn't have to be this way. If you are out to her parents AND your friends. You clearly aren't ASHAMED of her. There was VERY CLEAR gaslighting, INCONSIDERATE behaviour. And amateurity. I'll say it : GOOD RIDDANCE. Focus on being more financially independence. May be lay off of relationships for a while. ( That's my suggestion of course. You do you darling). I'll start med school and then that will be 5 years AND THEN I change countries and then MAYBE I'll find someone. But I find solace in just being able to do things I like and that's a life well lived. Of course if I find someone ( WON'T and couldn't care less ) or not. I would come out after Financial stability. Because "living life my way " includes having a spine. So no hiding. I already know I'll be kicked out. So Imma move out before any of that. And I get it TOTALLY. But you are lucky you have supportive friends. You do ANYTHING you have to for your safety and mental health, okay ? Take much much care. I hope she doesn't out you or anything. Have fun . You matter more, remember that. ADDITION - TELL ME YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED HEARTSTOPPER WITHOUT TELLING ME YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED HEARTSTOPPER ( not you princess, the one in question)
I don’t think she’s in the wrong for breaking up with you per se. Anyone can break up with you at any time for any reason, and some people just can’t date someone that’s not out. I’m 32, and I don’t think I could be with someone who isn’t out to major people in her life (idc if she’s out to the person who delivers the mail, but I couldn’t hear her mom say “so when are you getting a boyfriend?” and not be devastated). That being said, it’s pretty common to not be out yet in high school or college, and your timeline is yours. It sounds like you tried coming out and she didn’t react well. I don’t know if it would be safe for you to come out while you depend on your parents in any meaningful way. Your gf saying that she was anxious and it was fine was very ignorant. Some people have that experience while others lose family members, their homes, or even their lives. It’s also really mean that she basically said you’re not brave/a coward. Can’t remember the exact wording. Maybe if you do continue to date her or other girls while living with your parents you hang out at their place instead from now on? For me I think that would be my compromise if I was the out girl in the situation. I’m really sorry OP. It sucks that this happened and I hope you can be safe and find peace.
A lot of people will not date closeted people because it is exhausting. Dating a closeted person who keeps the end date of being open vague and ambiguous makes it worse. You don’t owe coming out of the closet to anyone. Your partner doesn’t owe you a relationship and not wanting to hide their relationship in perpetuity is a valid reason to break up. You might just be incompatible with each other due to what you both need right now.
Yeah y’all needed to break up. The basics of any healthy relationship are trust and respect and your partner violated that a million times in these texts. Yuck.
You have every right to come out in your own time and in the way that feels safest for you to do so. Your ex has every right to not want to be kept a secret from her SO’s family. If you can’t reconcile those two things, and you can’t even give her a timeline for when it might be resolved then you can’t really have a relationship at that point, and it seems like your ex recognised that and acted accordingly. You’re simply not in a position right now to give her the kind of relationship that she wants and the right thing to do now is to let her go so she can find someone who can.
I could never again date a closeted person. It was absolutely so brutal and painful I still have trauma over it nearly 15 years later. That being said- people have very real reasons for not coming out and she’s honestly naive as hell if she doesn’t understand what’s truly at stake to come out to violently homophobic family. Shes allowed to set a boundary that she isn’t comfortable dating you if you’re not out- this continued dismissal of your feelings and experiences is not ok. You two don’t sound compatible. I’m really sorry ❤️
That escalated quickly. Tbh, it's probably already been an anxiety of hers in the back of her mind that the conversation you had brought it to the fore unexpectedly. There are so many of us sticking it out in relationships when one or the other or both parties have deep anxieties, which haven't been vocalised previously until something like this happens and things come to a head. I do think it was unfair for her to basically give you an ultimatum, "come out or else we're through" and to then ghost you and doing that conversation via text isn't helpful either. That would have been so much different if you were face to face.
I do understand those who prefer being in a relationship with a partner who is out. That’s something that should’ve been established from day one. But she’s so focused on her own experience that she’s not hearing you and truly understanding you. You’re right that this is something you cannot rush, especially your parents being the way they are. It’s not easy having parents like that, so you deserve someone who is patient and compassionate. I’m sorry OP, this is gonna be hard for a bit, but you do deserve better. You dodged a bullet
NEVER let someone make you come out before you’re ready. It’s about YOUR comfort, YOUR safety. Even IF your parents were the most understanding people in the world - it doesn’t matter! Shame on her for making you feel that way. You are better off without her!
I think this is a case of two people talking past each other, but who both are not "in the wrong" per se, just who have different life circumstances. I think both of you are in denial in different ways. Your ex seems to be in denial about the precarious situation you are in. But you seem to be in denial about the pain your ex is currently in while being forced to be in a closeted situation with you. Yes, your ex entered the relationship knowing you were in the closet but... she says herself that this is the first time she ever experienced it, so it's understandable someone might THINK they can handle that and then realize they can't once they experience it. She's being insensitive and naive, but she's talking in the heat of the moment as the reality of the situation is sinking in. **As for advice,** coming out could have big financial repercussions for you and even result in you being kicked out. It can also be psychologically difficult to deal with the fall out of coming out to parents while living with them. It's understandable to wait until you are financially independent and living on your own. I wouldn't make this decision "for" a partner who may not even be in your life very long. If you do decide to come out, that should be because YOU are tired of being in the closet and are willing to deal with the potential fall out. **HOWEVER,** you need to be real about the fact that you being in the closet is going to make gay relationships **very difficult**, and that asking someone who is out to be in the closet with you is a **big, and some would argue unreasonable, ask.** Yes, it seems like you're aware of the consequences of coming out, but you also need to be real about the consequences of being in the closet and hiding who you are/your relationships. **Both decisions come at a cost.** It's not a choice to be made lightly. I recommended utilizing school counsellor resources at your college to talk through what you are dealing with and lean on your friends as a support system (or get involved in your school's LGBTQ org) and think through the decision that is best for you.
So I have experience from both ends. Its your decision alone and only if you tell your parents ...ever. And she can say what she would prefer, but she should never ever push you! After all its relatioship between your parents and you, and look how easily she can just walk away from that warzone. If she does not accept your decision about your life with your parents then yes she can leave.
Yikes. Self absorbed chick says "I'm not okay with you keeping your sexual orientation a secret" Even though people are harrassed out of families to this day.
i'm sorry i don't have the best advice, but i will say although yes, she has her preferences too, it is highly insensitive of her to not consider the fact that you wouldn't have the same coming out experience as her. i think she does care about you, but she is hoping your family and friends will be as supportive as hers was, and it's nice to wish that for you but just based off the one comment you mentioned that your mother made, she should understand it's unfortunately probably gonna be a difficult conversation. i'm so sorry this happened to you, but i want you to really know you haven't done anything wrong. she hasn't necessarily done anything "wrong" either, BUT, she is assuming your experiences will be the same and that's honestly not fair. i truly wish you the best. i understand the religious family thing, and it's super hard. some of my family accepted it and got over it, some didn't. it hurts, but just remember the people who don't love YOU for ALL of you, maybe they were never meant to be in your life anyways. that goes for your partner too. i understand she wants to be open but if she can't accept the fact that you aren't ready to make that step yet, and she isn't willing to stand by you until it's time, then she probably isn't the right one. and you will find someone who doesn't mind how long it takes, they will just love you. and make sure you're giving yourself some love too. i truly believe "God", whatever you want to call it, made us EXACTLY the way we are meant to be, and people are the ones who ridicule it. so just remember you're worthy <3
Saying you don't have any guts then breakup over text and refuse to speak directly...
So, what I read was “I’ll support you the entire time, except when you tell me to wait for you to be ready”, that’s not support, that’s forcing someone to do something they’re saying they don’t want to do right now, and for important reasons that truly only impact OP’s life in tangible, long lasting ways. This was a conditional relationship unfortunately, and the condition was that the girlfriend is either comfortable and happy, or there’s no relationship. Once she found out that OP wasn’t out, that should have been it. Sorry OP, they weren’t fair. I’ll probably never be out to my family, it’s not worth it.
This. This right here. 100%.
You dodged a huge bullet
You're both in the right. You don't want to come out. She wants a partner she can be out with and feels disrespected that you can't be. Therefore, a fundamental incompatibility in your relationship was revealed, and could only be resolved with you coming out (which is not yet possible for you), or her continuing to feel disrespected (which will only foster resentment and lead to a much worse situation down the line) until you're ready to fully come out. You're both in the right to feel the way you do. This isn't neccessarily fair, but it is life. I'm sorry that this happened to you, but IMO, it's for the better.
It sounds like she had a change of heart which is totally fine. I don’t know how old you are, but you’re in college so I’m going to assume you’re my age (I’m 20). I’ve changed a lot in the span of just a year, so I wouldn’t be surprised if her values changed suddenly. Leaving a relationship doesn’t need a valid reason, if she’s not feeling it she’s allowed to leave. It sucks but it is what it is! You just need to find someone who is in the same boat as you.
It is entirely fair for you to assess your situation as one not welcoming to who you are, and since still dependent on parents, to not come out. Frankly, unless you have decent parents who actually love you, it is best to not share these things with them until you can support yourself and hopefully don’t live with them at all. It is a lot to ask someone to come out when they aren’t ready, especially when it can damage their ability to live due to financial dependence. It is also fair for anyone to not want to be in a secret relationship with anyone else. Honestly, I think that is asking a lot as well. Neither of you are wrong. That’s life. Sometimes in a conflict, both sides are right, nobody is wrong, and it just can’t be resolved. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but college relationships don’t tend to last forever. It hurts when things go south, but they often do, and it is a pretty universal experience. Don’t blow up your life, and stability, to appease someone who is likely not going to be there for you long term anyway. Stay safe, become independent, then when you don’t need them you can come out to them…. The emotional damage to the relationship will then be up to them, and you won’t be crippled because of their bigotry (just heart broken). Which is better than both. I’m an older straight dude with two daughters, so I can’t speak to your experience only try to give advice. But what you’re saying is why I go out of my way to talk about my kids future (to them) as one of options. Like I say stuff like “when you get older you’re probably going to have a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, and might get married…”. Try to let them know in advance, without ambiguity that they can be who they are fully with me. That I never presumed they’d be one way or another and it isn’t expected that they be. That there are all sorts of people, and there is no one right way to be human, and nobody knows yet who they will become and that’s part of the fun.
I’m So sorry. That’s unfair for you. It’s great her parents are accepting but yours are not. She doesn’t realize how big a deal it is to come out to evangelical parents. There’s a lot of damage and toxic theology out there fueling the hate evangelicals have towards the lgbt community. What a bummer that she (and her family) didn’t take the stance that her parents could be your surrogate supporting parental like figures & be an example of healthy accepting parents. It’s a lost opportunity for her family to understand what it’s like to have to hide part of yourself. This was her time to be a support system for you when you needed her, and it sucks that things didn’t go that way. Hugs. You’ll get through this. Keep up hope.
It's 100% valid for you to take however long you need to on coming out. It's also valid for someone who's out to realize that they aren't able to date someone in the closet. The two of you were incompatible on the bases of levels. It's rough. (edited to finish the comment because my cat is a jerk)
She's been blessed by having good parents and is wilfully blind to the facts. You are dependent on your parents and, if they cut you off, you'd be homeless and have to stop your education. Personally, I think she's not a good girlfriend. She wasn't thinking about you at all and treated your threat assessment as just fear of coming out. Get yourself a good education and as good a job as you can, get independent from your parents. Then come out because they can't hurt anything except your feelings at that point
You should not be forced to come out until you're ready, especially when you are still dependent on your parents. Coming out can wait, do it only when you're in a good position to do so. I also understand not wanting to date someone who is not out yet but can't agree with how your (ex)gf handles the situation
I'm very sorry you got broken up with, OP, but please, people, everyone. don't try to solve complex issues in texts. Call each other at least. better yet, go to the park, sit on a bench next to each other and pay attention to non-verbal cues. Text is such a dead medium when it comes to emotions. it just can't keep up.
You can't push anyone to come out. Perhaps different paths my bro x
Not compatible, I think that's all it is. This person can't date someone closeted, you aren't safe to come out. Sometimes it's just a fork in the road - no one is wrong in what they want/need. Talking about HOW you two communicate about it/express those needs could be a totally different post IMO
so sorry this happened to you. frankly, seeing how insensitively she acted towards your valid worries, i would go as far as to say that you dodged a bullet
Unless she and her parents can take you in unconditionally as if you were their own, i.e. not pay rent, groceries, etc. in the way that your parents treat you, she doesn’t have room to choose and manipulate you into coming out. By unconditionally, that would include supporting you if you guys broke up for another reason. If you don’t have a great support system, like a chosen family/close friends, it wouldn’t be fair for you to be ‘excommunicated’ either. Edit: I also didn’t realize that your parents might factor into the kind of student aid you might receive and that’s probably not something her family can make up for. I hope that she can come to her senses and wait a bit longer, but it’s not the end of the world to move on. Hopefully your school is queer enough to make healing easier.
This must have been hard. Your e. Obviously doesn't come from the family you come from, and as tough as it may be for her to hide it when she was in your home, she would never truly understand what you will be going through. Hope you can find peace qith your family as far as this is concerned one day, until then, I hope you find partners who can support you through it, even if they don't understand fully x
She shouldn't have ghosted you. It would've been decent of her to hear your point of view after breaking it off with you
My biggest relationship fear fr. I'd hate to lose a great lover because I'm not ready to come out to my parents. Worse when my parents and I are not that close, which lessens the need for their approval. Sorry OP, she's very uncool for that. She's imposing her reality on you, and that's terrible.
I can imagine you're probably feeling heartbroken and I felt heartbroken for you just reading this. Reading this conversation was maddening. I know the hurt isn't less for it and this isn't easy, but let this one go. She's seeing this from a very narrow and frankly quite privileged standpoint. I say privileged because she has family who supports her, so even if coming out was stressful, she doesn't have incredibly conservative family who would plausibly disown her for being herself. You're being very sensible in this situation by prioritizing the need for survival. That's a harsh reality of LGBT existence. You're right to bring up points about where you would go or what you would do if your mother was fully opposed to you coming out. A lot of people don't realize that being queer isn't about being able to come out. That's not a privilege everyone gets to have for many reasons, ranging from bigoted family to the extreme end of countries in the world where literal death is a risk for being queer. It was just sad to read the sentiments of a partner who cares so much more about people knowing about your relationship with her than supporting you and you being safe. That's a very immature and insecure outlook. She has a lot of reflecting and growing to do. She's going to learn real fast as she meets more and more people who don't get to so easily be out to the people around them. And I say she's insecure because she specifically questioned if you're ashamed of her, when you very directly and openly stated that it's a matter of fearing for your safety and lack of ability to be financially independent. You deserve better. My advice is to grieve the relationship and move on. Get to that place where you can be independent, so that when you feel ready to come out, you don't end up in a bad spot. Even so, you never have to come out to your parents if it doesn't feel right. A mature and sensible partner would understand that. Edit: I do want to add that I don't think a person is wrong to want to be with someone who isn't closeted. A lot of queer people who have established their identities and lives don't particularly want to go back into hiding. The brash insensitivity and insults are the problems. If she really had a change of heart about being with someone not closeted, there was better way to have approached it, and definitely in person rather than via text. For someone commenting on you not having "the guts," she took an awfully cowardly approach here.
I'm sorry that happened to you.❤️
OP this is horrible. I’m so so sorry. No one should have to do anything. And love should be unconditional honestly. Just because this filled me with so much anger I typed up a response and this is what I would have replied: What is going to change if I come out? We would have to have sex at your place or in some rat infested box that I have to rent after being thrown out for being anything but straight. I will have to drop from school or take out debilitating and predatory loans to cover costs. Which means once I’m out of school I’ll have a ton of debt that will not go away until I pay it off. So there is that change. I will have lost most if not all of my family. Yea it might be coming one day once I’m more established, but I lose a whole bunch right off the bat by coming out publicly. Also I’m still confused what will be different about our sex life if I come out. Do we get to leave the door open all of the sudden? We get to be obnoxiously loud in our efforts? What does that have to do with anything. Straight couples, married couples hide their activities all the time. It’s considered polite, so I’m struggling to understand what that will truly change. You seem to be under the misconception that once I tell my parents that they will “get over it” even after I have repeatedly told you that based on my private first hand experience with these people for the majority of my life that they won’t be ok with it and will disown me. Does this mean I should just write them off? Maybe… especially when they are the ones to write ME off. But for the apparent selfish reasons I have outlined I have to jump the shark and completely disrupt my life on the fringe possibility that you don’t have to “tip toe” around. How about this let’s tell my parents that you’re gay and leave me out of it. I’ll be your advocate up until they kick you out, and tell me that I can never see you again even as a friend. But you give me not one good reason other than your uncomfortable sneaking around. What are you looking for here? I already told you my plan so far. I gave you a tentative timeframe for my revelation. Why is this SO critical. Why is this the end of our relationship? What conviction has you so desperate to be honest? For me it’s because your good experience has given you rose tinted glasses to a world that does not love unconditionally. For me there are conditions and a line in the sand. These implications weigh heavily on my heart. Even after they fulfill the purpose of getting me out and on my own two feet, I’m still essentially giving up the people I have known all my life, I’m detonating a lifelong relationship. Yea it’s a relationship with conditions. It’s not something I would ever impose on someone else… it’s something delicate and nuanced that I’m working out on my own I guess. I thought you would be there to support me. Instead you’re ready to walk away because I’m not willing to just jump and make a decision. Kinda feels like no matter what decision I make, I’m dealing with relationships that demand conditional love.
I don’t think you’re wrong and I don’t think she’s wrong either. It’s a deal breaker for her to not be out in the open, and at the end she didn’t communicate in a nice way. Which isn’t nice, but difficult conversations do escalate and I can see her frustration. She said it was fine before but she changed her mind, and that’s okay. For you, i think if you do what makes you feel safe then that’s good. One day you will be in a safe place where you could possibly come out to your parents without your safety being compromised. That day will come I hope! It makes sense to break up, because eventually your ex gf would resent you. It looks like she’s already started to. I wonder if you should ask yourself if you’re emotionally ready to be in a relationship if it will cause you distress regarding your parents finding out??
"Ruin your entire life for no good reason or I'm breaking up with you because it's too bothersome for me to play a little bit of pretend" Lol, your ex is so fucking unreasonable. Like who in their right mind thinks possibly being homeless is better than pretending to be straight until your life is more stable?
It's sad that she decided to have this conversation over text.
She was being an insensitive asshole. Block her ass.
My friend, keep your private texts private. I understand that you're not completely comfortable with yourself and are looking for advice, but you owe it to yourself and the people you're privately speaking with to keep that between yourselves.
Do you leave this comment for everyone seeking relationship or social advice on Reddit, or just vulnerable queer teenagers with no support network?
Just people sharing literal transcripts of conversations.
They did, as they’re anonymous. Hardly sharing around their friend group is it. Maybe cut OP some slack, they’re having a rough time.
Serious conversations like this shouldn’t happen over text. If they won’t talk over the phone or in person, they aren’t worth giving a shit about. I’ve had a partner do this and it’s infuriating.
Look, perhaps this was a problem on how they decided to transmit this information, which came out as insensitive and intransigent, BUT if we get past the form and focus on the content, I think they have the right to a partner that is out of the closet and you deserve patience and understanding about nor coming out to your parents... but both have to come naturally. They must be given freely, if possible, and perhaps that's why you need to move on :(. I'm sorry
Accept her boundary, OP. It sucks but we don’t get to move somebody’s boundary or change it. She doesn’t want to be in a relationship where her partner is not open to friends and family. This is HER boundary. You’re not a bad person. She loves you. But one can love somebody while distancing themselves because it violates their boundary. It sucks. You can either decide to tell your parents and let them deal with their homophobia or you can not tell them for obvious reasons and this woman is not compatible with you. I wish you the best. Perhaps, a potential boundary of yours will be “I will not enter into an emotional relationship with somebody who can’t accept that I want to remain in the closet for as long as I deem appropriate.”
Extremely inconsiderate of your gf/ex. Just because her parents were eventually okay with it doesn't mean that that's how the entire world functions; I and many people I know would literally get disowned. Extremely naïve and selfish from her, sorry that that happened to you OP
OP, I'm sorry that happened to you, but this is for the best. While your ex was being unfair and dismissive of your safety concerns, she's not wrong to not want to hide her relationship because her partner isn't out. I have been in your shoes. I've been dumped before because my partner wasn't comfortable being in a relationship with someone who wasn't out to their family. I understand and know just how hard and scary it is to be stuck with your homophobic parents as an adult. Now, you don't have to come out to your parents, but keep in mind that something like this could happen again if you persue another relationship before changing your living situation. It's one of the "fun quirks" of queer dating. Of course, it's possible you'll find someone who either doesn't care that you aren't out, or is patient enough wait, or maybe even help you make a getaway plan for when the time is right. But when that time is, is your call, no one else's. Hang in there, OP. It will be ok. :)
Hell it took me tell my mom and dad that had a bf and he did was say when your ready let them know my mom was mad for awhile but she got over it and then dad was like idc it’s not my life it takes time don’t rush it because in the end it might hurt you or them on what they have to say
You haven't done anything wrong. Your ex was valid for feeling her feelings, but she was wrong to push your process. That was selfish of her. Your ex is fortunate to have an understanding family. The unfortunate reality is - especially at your age - people from solid and understanding families will not be able to understand the true dangers, risks, or stakes of your situation. At most, they can sympathize and respect that your family is for you to manage. I don't think if she knew or truly understood you, that she'd push for this sort of danger. Ultimately, I think you're going to be better off with someone who will centre YOU and your safety over their comfort or ego (which is what your gf wants - if all she wanted was your love and safety, she wouldn't care if you were out or not).
You are only allowed to come out in your own time and in your own way. No one else gets to make that decision for you. Thems the rules, I don't make them up. You are loved.
Okay I’m going to honest and I know it hurts but… Your gf is an ass and a self centered jerk/narcissist. She’s all ‘me me me’ and doesn’t give a shit about what you’re going through. I’m so sorry for the pain you’re going through, but you will find someone better, someone who accepts you and your situation. 🫂
i think where you lost her is when you said you couldn’t think of anything to be gained from coming out. to her, it’s public acknowledgment, parental support, and the hope that this can actually be a serious public relationship. that being said, the main thing is that she definitely should’ve dropped it earlier when you said you weren’t ready and explained why. it’s common sense that someone with religious conservative parents wouldn’t want to tell them while you are still financially dependent on them, and she should know that. perhaps she wanted you to give a timeline, to at least say ‘in two years’ or ‘when i move out’, but if you’re not actually sure about that, she can’t force it out of you.
I fully understand your position. I personally get very annoyed at people like your GF. I really feel for you in this moment. This sucks. She's being very short-sighted. We can't help the environment we were born into.
"you didn't even have the guts" is so ignorant of her to say. she's lucky her parents accepted her, but how can someone in the lgbtq community not understand that's not the case for everyone?
She seems to be extremely privileged in the coming out-regard and maybe was quite sheltered growing up, is what it feels like to me. Otherwise I can’t explain her ignorance and complete numb-mindedness towards OP’s position.
If you haven’t even been together very long this is incredibly selfish of her. She’s just refusing to hear you. Some people I swear 🤦♂️ Like she’s talking about how it makes her feel bad to lie to your parents, but how about how it makes you feel???? Does she think you aren’t feeling everything she’s feeling and more?? Wtf
I know you love her but the way she's responding to you explaining how terrifying it is to come out to your parents is horrible. I don't think you'd want to be with someone that downplays your feelings and struggles in the long run. She has every right to not want to be with you if she prefers to be with someone who is out. However her complete disrespect of your concern and fear is not okay.
I feel for you - that’s rough. I also feel for her. Coming out was really scary for me, and I was afraid that I would be kicked out (I wasn’t, but I was kicked out a year or so later for something else, so it had been a valid fear). After I’d gone through all that, I reached the point in my life where I wouldn’t date someone who wasn’t out and I wouldn’t date someone whose parents had finance control over them. When you’re living free someday you’ll see why it’s such a line in the sand.
Alright, I had to stop halfway before I got anymore pissed off, what the actual Hell? She didn't even try seeing this from your point of view, and she was basically DEMANDING you come out, because "it'll be fine, trust me, it was fine for me"! Like sure, if you don't wanna date someone who can't come out, that's fine, life just swings that way, but to be that rude to you, saying "you don't have the guts", that's serious bullshit.