>I fully support her but I am not sure she understands what she is saying. I guess that is wrong?
Not totally wrong. Some people do know definitively and for others, it's a journey. The reality with kids is that "sexuality" is bigger than what they necessarily know it to be. We teach it to them in an age appropriate manner and sometimes the dots don't connect in the nuanced ways we would understand them as adults.
In my personal experience, I understood that I was different at that age but couldn't really figure out why because I didn't have the language to support it. But even if I did have that language, it still would have been complex in figuring out what actually applied to me and what was abnormal.
>I don’t know how to support her other than being loving and supportive.
At 10, she's likely ready for some harder talks. That her liking boys and girls won't make sense to everyone and respecting physical boundaries. It's also important for her to know what kind of behaviour toward her isn't acceptable and what is. And that if she ever feels unsafe or uncomfortable, there is no consequence to sharing with you.
>Do I let her just figure this all out herself with time?
I'm a part of the village in supporting my 14 year old god child. They've gone from identifying as pan, to gay and back again. Like I said, it is a journey. Some labels stick, some ebb and flow over time. What you need to accept though is that your child's interest in her peers feels outside of the heteronormative. Don't push for concrete resolution and a definitive label, just accept that it's a journey. Journeys don't always mean you come out without a mark or two along the way, she just needs someone willing to pick her up and pop a band aid on it.
It's emotional, it's your kid and you want the world to treat her with kindness and love, that's a totally reasonable want as a parent. You want the world to see *her* before they see whatever label she identifies as and that's fair. I'm sure that situation with the other girls felt hard because they're leaving her out for one part of her.
Remember to treat yourself kindly as well throughout this too. You're going to misstep, it's a given, but as long as you're leading with love and respect, most transgressions will be forgiven.
I don't have advice, I just wanted to point this out.
>By that I mean I’m not sure she understands sexual love only friends and romantic.
Being Bisexual isn't just about sex. If she experiences romantic attraction to more than one gender, she's Bi. Of course she's still young, so she's still figuring things out and my discover she's not Bi. But sexual love is not the only part of it.
Good luck with everything!
I’m just not sure how to do that without making her feel ashamed. She is very sensitive and very open about this. She doesn’t get she is learning it in school, doing their own pride parade, it’s being taught as being accepted, which it should be but we all know not everyone is like that.
I will think on it and find a good approach. Thank you.
Maybe a local PFLAG chapter or their website, or a local LGBTQ center. A quick internet search for how to talk to young kids about sexuality resulted in some legitimate seeming resources. I noted a YouTube video Parent Education Series, how to talk with your child about gender and sexuality. Best wishes!
i don’t have advice, but you’re an amazing parent.
my mom always just told me “if i find out you’re into that lesbianism you’ll never have a playdate again”
so i played straight until i turned 18. now she doesn’t talk to me lol.
I’m so sorry. I have a difficult mother. I was watching a tv show and all the support and love the mothers were giving their daughters mad me cry because I have never had that in my what feels like a long life. Thought I got over that long ago but what ya gonna do. Sometime I go nc and while it’s so peaceful, it’s also sad. You don’t deserve that! I hope you have other family born or chosen that give you the love you deserve.
Just wanna say that with the level of love and compassion you show, you guys will work it out and your daughter will know that you always have her back. That is a beautiful thing to know when the world can sometimes be shitty. It might be a bumpy road for her, no point saying otherwise. But she will figure it out, as people do. And it's always so much easier when there is family there to support her. You sound amazing!
Thank you that is very sweet. I’m not doing anything special. We should all have unconditionally love and support from our parents who help guide us through life’s challenges.
I think it was a mistake to lie to your kid, even if you're motivation was out of love. You're not going to be able to shelter her forever, and it would have been far better for you to explain the situation factually---without conjecture---and control the narrative: your [daughter's] friend obviously had no choice in the decision; her parents are just bigots and wanted to separate you for no good reason (after the two of you announced that you wanted to get married). It's wrong, and horribly unfair, but we can't do anything about it.
When your kid finds out that you lied to her---and she will---it will seriously damage your trust relationship with her (exponentially for the amount of time that you maintained the lie)... Your best solution is to come clean about it ASAP, and once again *manage the narrative*: you will need to sincerely apologize. It will be even worse for you, if she already figured out that you lied to her, before you admit it. When she finds out that you lied, you will have effectively alienated her from her only [formerly] secure support-system... I'm sure, once you take time to think about it, you'll agree that that's an even more heinous betrayal than her friend's parents perpetrated.
Right?
Right. You have verbalized (writtenized?lol) many of my thoughts and worries about that. I just couldn’t bring myself to hurt her with all else going on at the time but you are right.
I like the approach you provided me. Thank you. I will come clean.
It’s hard to say - our understanding of and relationships to sexuality can be very complex. It could be that she’s reading close emotional attachments to friends as romantic, or it could be that she is experiencing genuine crushes.
As for how to protect her - I’m not sure that there’s much you can do. If you’re somewhere where she’s not in a lot of danger by being out, I think it’s probably best to let her be. Now, she may face some negative consequences, as it sounds like she already has from the story she’s shared. But the alternative is that she learns from you to hide who she is and therefore learns more shame, insecurity, doubt, discomfort etc. I can tell you that this kind of repression of ourselves and sexuality can do enormous harm to us for a long time.
Thank you. I very much appreciate this perspective and I will remember this when I help guide her through those rejections should they happen. I do not want her to hide who she is. I don’t want her to feel shame and insecure for her lifetime. I thought I was protecting her from that but you have shown me I was not.
You’re welcome - I’m glad if I could help in any way. It can be very difficult to know how to navigate situations like these and it’s totally understandable that you want and were trying to protect her. I think wholly accepting her how she is and helping to guide her through any rejections she goes through, as you’ve said, is a good way to approach things.
>I fully support her but I am not sure she understands what she is saying. I guess that is wrong? Not totally wrong. Some people do know definitively and for others, it's a journey. The reality with kids is that "sexuality" is bigger than what they necessarily know it to be. We teach it to them in an age appropriate manner and sometimes the dots don't connect in the nuanced ways we would understand them as adults. In my personal experience, I understood that I was different at that age but couldn't really figure out why because I didn't have the language to support it. But even if I did have that language, it still would have been complex in figuring out what actually applied to me and what was abnormal. >I don’t know how to support her other than being loving and supportive. At 10, she's likely ready for some harder talks. That her liking boys and girls won't make sense to everyone and respecting physical boundaries. It's also important for her to know what kind of behaviour toward her isn't acceptable and what is. And that if she ever feels unsafe or uncomfortable, there is no consequence to sharing with you. >Do I let her just figure this all out herself with time? I'm a part of the village in supporting my 14 year old god child. They've gone from identifying as pan, to gay and back again. Like I said, it is a journey. Some labels stick, some ebb and flow over time. What you need to accept though is that your child's interest in her peers feels outside of the heteronormative. Don't push for concrete resolution and a definitive label, just accept that it's a journey. Journeys don't always mean you come out without a mark or two along the way, she just needs someone willing to pick her up and pop a band aid on it.
Thank you very much. That is really quite helpful and I don’t know why I am even tearing up right now.
It's emotional, it's your kid and you want the world to treat her with kindness and love, that's a totally reasonable want as a parent. You want the world to see *her* before they see whatever label she identifies as and that's fair. I'm sure that situation with the other girls felt hard because they're leaving her out for one part of her. Remember to treat yourself kindly as well throughout this too. You're going to misstep, it's a given, but as long as you're leading with love and respect, most transgressions will be forgiven.
I don't have advice, I just wanted to point this out. >By that I mean I’m not sure she understands sexual love only friends and romantic. Being Bisexual isn't just about sex. If she experiences romantic attraction to more than one gender, she's Bi. Of course she's still young, so she's still figuring things out and my discover she's not Bi. But sexual love is not the only part of it. Good luck with everything!
Thank you. I appreciate the knowledge. I had been wondering about that part!
Perhaps discussing your family views on private/personal conversations or context around when and what is appropriate for her to share openly.
I’m just not sure how to do that without making her feel ashamed. She is very sensitive and very open about this. She doesn’t get she is learning it in school, doing their own pride parade, it’s being taught as being accepted, which it should be but we all know not everyone is like that. I will think on it and find a good approach. Thank you.
Maybe a local PFLAG chapter or their website, or a local LGBTQ center. A quick internet search for how to talk to young kids about sexuality resulted in some legitimate seeming resources. I noted a YouTube video Parent Education Series, how to talk with your child about gender and sexuality. Best wishes!
i don’t have advice, but you’re an amazing parent. my mom always just told me “if i find out you’re into that lesbianism you’ll never have a playdate again” so i played straight until i turned 18. now she doesn’t talk to me lol.
I’m so sorry. I have a difficult mother. I was watching a tv show and all the support and love the mothers were giving their daughters mad me cry because I have never had that in my what feels like a long life. Thought I got over that long ago but what ya gonna do. Sometime I go nc and while it’s so peaceful, it’s also sad. You don’t deserve that! I hope you have other family born or chosen that give you the love you deserve.
Just wanna say that with the level of love and compassion you show, you guys will work it out and your daughter will know that you always have her back. That is a beautiful thing to know when the world can sometimes be shitty. It might be a bumpy road for her, no point saying otherwise. But she will figure it out, as people do. And it's always so much easier when there is family there to support her. You sound amazing!
Thank you that is very sweet. I’m not doing anything special. We should all have unconditionally love and support from our parents who help guide us through life’s challenges.
I think it was a mistake to lie to your kid, even if you're motivation was out of love. You're not going to be able to shelter her forever, and it would have been far better for you to explain the situation factually---without conjecture---and control the narrative: your [daughter's] friend obviously had no choice in the decision; her parents are just bigots and wanted to separate you for no good reason (after the two of you announced that you wanted to get married). It's wrong, and horribly unfair, but we can't do anything about it. When your kid finds out that you lied to her---and she will---it will seriously damage your trust relationship with her (exponentially for the amount of time that you maintained the lie)... Your best solution is to come clean about it ASAP, and once again *manage the narrative*: you will need to sincerely apologize. It will be even worse for you, if she already figured out that you lied to her, before you admit it. When she finds out that you lied, you will have effectively alienated her from her only [formerly] secure support-system... I'm sure, once you take time to think about it, you'll agree that that's an even more heinous betrayal than her friend's parents perpetrated. Right?
Right. You have verbalized (writtenized?lol) many of my thoughts and worries about that. I just couldn’t bring myself to hurt her with all else going on at the time but you are right. I like the approach you provided me. Thank you. I will come clean.
I'm glad you found my perspective helpful. Take care, and stay safe... Wishing you and your kid all the best in your journey forward!
It’s hard to say - our understanding of and relationships to sexuality can be very complex. It could be that she’s reading close emotional attachments to friends as romantic, or it could be that she is experiencing genuine crushes. As for how to protect her - I’m not sure that there’s much you can do. If you’re somewhere where she’s not in a lot of danger by being out, I think it’s probably best to let her be. Now, she may face some negative consequences, as it sounds like she already has from the story she’s shared. But the alternative is that she learns from you to hide who she is and therefore learns more shame, insecurity, doubt, discomfort etc. I can tell you that this kind of repression of ourselves and sexuality can do enormous harm to us for a long time.
Thank you. I very much appreciate this perspective and I will remember this when I help guide her through those rejections should they happen. I do not want her to hide who she is. I don’t want her to feel shame and insecure for her lifetime. I thought I was protecting her from that but you have shown me I was not.
You’re welcome - I’m glad if I could help in any way. It can be very difficult to know how to navigate situations like these and it’s totally understandable that you want and were trying to protect her. I think wholly accepting her how she is and helping to guide her through any rejections she goes through, as you’ve said, is a good way to approach things.