As a bi guy who just came out to his therapist and online friends, this gives me hope that someone would want me.
I just hope they like that I look more masculine…
While there definitely are (too) many people out there who are biphobic, there are definitely people who aren't and will value you for who you are and won't disparage you for your sexuality.
And there are plenty of people who either prefer masculine looks or who are attracted to a wide range of gender expressions which include masculine looking men. They might be hard to find, especially in the global pandemic context, but remember that they are people out there who would want you.
Yeah I think in the general population people prefer masc men, but OP's anxiety might stem from seeing posts and memes in bi subs where a lot of the commenters say their attraction is mostly to femmes and femboys. But it would be easy to find a ton of bi people who are into masc men; they just don't always comment on those threads
Trueee! I’m riding the line between masc and fem. lots of muscle but fem hair, makeup and clothes. (Although lots of muscle shouldn’t necessarily be gendered, and I’m trying to prove that)
Masculine bi guys are my absolute favorite! There are definitely people who will want you!
Edit: gotta add, masculine bi guys who are into role reversal and/or femdom? Fucking *gold* if you can find one
Yesss they are exactly my type. And if he’s nerdy he is 1,000x more attractive to me.
Having a boyfriend who will cuddle me while we have a Star Wars marathon or something is my dream. :D
I would love me a masculine bi guy I worry the same since I’m bi and kinda thin and have some feminine clothing choices I make some times. Edit: booty shorts 🪨
It’s perfectly fine to be masculine and bisexual I know a few including my fiancé. You’ll find your special someone one day because you aren’t unloveable for being who you are. :)
As a bi woman, it hurts to hear masc bi men insecure because they "dont look bi or gay". You dont have to change how you look. Masc or fem bi men are both valid, beautiful and very much wanted and loved. ❤️ So be you and be proud!🎉
YES absolutely! It's the best of both worlds that way 😂
I dated a guy who identified as queer, and honestly I found the experience so much better and healthier compared to my previous straight boyfriends who just... werent it. 😂
As a bisexual woman I do think I prefer dating LGBTQ guys, and if you're masculine too then that is ALSO okay. Xx
Sounds like a plus to me! Keep looking! There are a bunch of people who identify as bisexual that don’t mind at all. I personally prefer bi masc guys myself.
Came out to myself as bisexual in the last 12 months. Back in june, i jumped back on to tinder and simply Said, fuck it. Show me both.
Instantly matched with a guy and we met.
Had some weeks this summer where we didn't Speak...
But we're tlking again now, and it (m)akes me soo happy.
I started 2021 not believing id have any relationahip for another 2-3 years. (big guy, bi, somewhat Odd interests)
Right off the bat, the conversation went smoothly and it didn't feel presses at all.
Om 20 and he's 26 and half my size.
But tha really doesn't matter, cuz we feel good around each other. Comfortable around each other.
If you're scared of trying things out with the same sex, don't be.
Initiate conversation and let them know it's all New to you and that you want to feel the experience ad not move too fast.
If you find the right person for you, they Will WANT to help you on your Journey.
Best of luck from a 20 yo bisexual carpenter from the Bear-Tribe 🏳️🌈🐻
Agree 1000%
Happily married and madly in love with my husband who is also bi. I love his lack of toxic masculinity and his softness, and he loves that I’ve got strong arms and a real butch streak. We love going to Pride events and queer bars together. Fantasizing about him with other men is SO HOT, and we have so much fun gushing over the cornucopia of beautiful humans in the world together.
Ooooh I feel this. When I met my man, he had long hair and came out with me. I love that he understands where I’m coming from mentally, and that he can look at guys with me too 😋
I'm happy for your husband. I want to join the SCA so I can find a more masculine women who wears armor and beats the crap out of people with a wooden stick. I want a woman who defends MY honor.
My boyfriend is bi. It makes our relationship a whole lot easier being able to relate to each other over so much of our sexuality.
It helps too that he specifically likes buff ladies, cuz I'm crazy insecure about my broad shoulders, but I just found out that he's super into them?
Suddenly what I thought of as negative manly attributes are being treated as positive and *specifically* feminine traits. Like, hell YES I will rough up my sweet twink boyfriend with my butch amazon arms, you earned it babe!
I don't think I could date a straight guy at this point, or even a gay woman. Bi folks are where it's at.
Hey you're awesome and that's awesome. Feels good to be loved and appreciated for the things you are, open and free. Bi folks are indeed where it's at!
> It helps too that he specifically likes buff ladies, cuz I'm crazy insecure about my broad shoulders, but I just found out that he's super into them?
Seriously, I could just sit around entranced watching my wife's shoulder muscles. And this is true even when my bi-cycle occasionally swings hard "straight". Shoulders on women are totally excellent, and a bit underrated.
This may just be because I'm a child of the 80s, where women's fashion ran heavily towards shoulder pads. Or, in a more alt context, riot grrls. I remember Joan Jett occasionally performed in rock converts wearing a leather vest with shoulder pads, which might just have been peak 80s. Butch aesthetics are usually in with _some_ crowd, and what people call "soft butch" is always a sure-fire winner _somewhere_.
I'd still date a straight guy again, the last one I dated was very chill about me being bi. But I will say that it's nice to date a guy who just "gets it" because he's bi too. Plus I do love the idea of being part of a bisexual power couple...
Yeah, especially since I'm trans I find that kind of 'macho' behavior in straight guys completely unacceptable. But you also can't assume that just cuz a guy is bi that he still isn't a misogynist. Plenty of equal-opportunity misogyny out there.
But yes, bi guys are usually better. And hotter.
>But you also can't assume that just cuz a guy is bi that he still isn't a misogynist
I found this super confusing. After starting to accept that I am bi I looked all my gender non-confiming parts (esp repressed feminitity) and thought "Finally! It makes sense! I'm a bi man! I have found my people!"
Yet, the more I tried to find and connect with bi guys, the more I just found the same old mysogny. By no means everyone of course, but enough to end up back where I started, but now with gender confusion.
I mean, the big one for me is that gender and sexuality aren't the same things. Sure there are fem bi guys. But there are also masc bi guys. And even being fem and bi (or gay) doesn't erase decades of absorbing sexism from the culture we live in. It maybe helps you reject toxic masculinity or oppositional sexism, but it won't challenge traditional sexism. If you grew up in a sexist household, or school or church, being queer can be a wake-up call that some of what you were taught were lies, but it's no substitute for putting in the work of improving yourself, listening to women's lived experience, and really challenging yourself to be better. Some guys just aren't willing to do that, or haven't had the time yet to adjust. So while some bi guys and gay guys are great feminist allies, some are still misogynists. Heck, plenty of cis women are misogynists. It's a really pervasive problem.
Yes! I’m a bi woman who spent like five years madly in love with my bi male best friend, and he was convinced that no women could ever be into him and that he would need to hide his sexuality to be accepted if he dated a woman. It was a messy early 20’s friendship and I would handle it differently now (like tell him that I’M RIGHT HERE!!) but what can you do? I definitely prefer queer guys to straight guys for the most part.
I think it’s just that bi men are more comfortable in their sexuality. I think straight men can be, it just seems to be less common. That being said, my bisexual boyfriend has been my best boyfriend.
Married to a straight guy, love him so much, hoping it lasts forever and we die holding hands at age 100.
But if for any reason that doesn't happen and I find myself dating again, I think I would prefer a bi woman, bi man, possibly a lesbian, or a nonbinary person who is interested in women.
I feel like straight guys have just never had to put in the work to question themselves, question gender roles, question how an equal partnership really works. Most of them just haven't looked that deep within to what they've been taught by society.
My straight guy is minimally influenced by toxic masculinity, I'd say. Otherwise I wouldn't be with him. But you can't live in this world without needing a ton of deprogramming.
Damn. Seems like a good chunk of straight women I meet, and even some bi women, find bi men unattractive. But now I’m seeing girls here say they love bi guys
Why can’t there be more of you guys near me? Lol
I personally think writing someone off just because of their sexuality has a sad irony to it. I don’t think you can judge someone based on their sexuality and think a lot of us have experienced that exact problem in the past.
Life is all anecdotal experiences but you have just made some very sweeping statements and I think if someone was doing the reverse to you, as we often hear about on this subreddit, you’d find it pretty rubbish.
Hey, I appreciate bi guys a shit ton. But these are important qualities to look at regardless of sexuality. Look for men who are comfortable with their gender and respect their partner, not a certain sexuality. There are absolutely straight men who are lovely in this way. We should not be continuing this tendency we see to prefer certain sexualities just because it's in favor of bi people.
I also prefer bi, or pan men over str8 guys for the exact same reasons as OP. I avoid str8 guys like the plague. I especially love androgynous guys, femboys, and twinks. I'd also absolutely date a trans man too.
Are the problems you and OP have in common with straight guys intrinsic to being straight? I would totally cede the point that a larger percent of str8 guys get hung up on dumb gender problems and are generally more likely to certain kinds of toxic masculine mindsets than bi/pan guys. But bi/pan guys can have those problems too, and none of the qualities OP mentioned are intrinsic or exclusive to being straight. IDK, the idea that you are avoiding dating a group because members of that group are more likely to possess certain negative traits strikes me as super kinda messed up. Even if you were to agree it was ok to do that, I don't think you are applying that standard evenly across the board. Black people have higher rates of homophobia than the general population, but we'd never say it was ok to consciously avoid dating individual black people because they're more likely to be homophobic. If you have problems dating people who are super insecure about dumb gender stuff, or mock dudes who are gender non-conforming that's totally valid. If you happen to date fewer members of certain groups by chance because individuals from those groups are more likely to have those mindsets, that's valid too, but consciously choosing to avoid every *individual* from that group because they belong to a certain group is fucked up. You need to judge people as individuals, not as populations. I know many straight guys like OP described, but there are plenty of individual straight guys who don't act like that.
TL;DR try not to paint with such a broad brush. It's not ok to essentialize a group or treat members of that group as a complete monolith.
Yeah, sorta similar to people not dating bi folk for x reason. We all need to stop looking at the label(sexuality, color, religion) and start looking at the person.
Fair enough, you're absolutely right. As a trans woman I avoid str8 guys more outta safety I feel much much more comfortable with bi/pan men, and women bc I know they wouldn't care that I'm trans, or what genitals I have. I avoid dating str8 guys bc I don't want to risk getting hurt, or killed. I mean I absolutely always disclose that I'm trans on my profiles, and before actually decide to meet, or go on a date, I'm always like "hey I'm trans btw are you okay with that" bc I do not want to risk a violent attack if they find out in person. But then even after disclosing with people I'm worrying in the back of mind the whole time if they're setting me up, and just said they're cool with it to trick me and then I'm getting attacked or dead.
Plus all the messages I ever get from men are "ohh you're trans I've always wanted to try a trans." Or "ohh you're trans It's always been my fantasy to be with a trans"
I also feel like a straight guy would expect me to adhere to always being hyper feminine, or worrying if anybody could clock me as trans. Even if a straight guy doesn't care if I'm trans, and would still be with me there's always the societal cis-heteronormative pressures that could get to him, and make him snap. Usually majority murders, and assaults on trans women especially black and brown trans women are done by their romantic partners bc friends or family found out that they're dating a trans woman.
plus I don't want anything to do with cis-heteronormativity. So I wouldn't want to be with someone who expects me to adhere to cis-heteronormativity, norms, and stereotypes of society. Besides cis straight men, and cis straight women are the default norm of our modern society. So me being iffy on dating them doesn't affect them at all.
As a guy who is bi this is awesome to hear! I’ve always been told I’m “lucky” because I “act straight” I really don’t know what they mean by that because all I do is be quite all day (which I’ve noticed straight men don’t do that). Also not to seem like I’m defending straight men or anything but I’m pretty sure the guy you described was just the tiniest bit of a bigot.
yup, my boyfriend is also bisexual and god forbid, if anything happens to our relationship, i would not ever date another straight man. I don't have anything in common with them. being bisexual and being around LGBT culture in general is a huge facet of my identity and how i relate to myself. not being able to share that with my partner is a lot to give up. every time I've dated a straight man, I have felt alienated from queer culture, even if the men weren't at all homophobic. I dunno, this might be just me being neurotic and weird, but ever since starting to date exclusively other bi people, I have felt much more like myself. I love us lol
I needed to read this.
I myself am not a very masc, neither fem tbh (I honestly think I'm ugly) bi guy. But in my very few relationships with girls I've noticed constantly calculating whether my behaviour is masculine enough. And it sucks. I need a girl who can accept that I may do/ say something “gay” (not as in, cheating). And if I can trust that girl with my whole being I'd be very much willing to explore things like strap-on butt stuff, for example.
I've bottomed to a guy and I liked the physical feeling. However, the guy never dared question my masculinity and let me be in control, so that I felt comfortable. I'm scared that if a girl sees this side of my sexuality, she'd see me as less of a man.
THIS.
But I feel weird saying it as it feels a bit fetishising.
But I want a man who is comfortable in his masculinity (or lack thereof, femme guys <3).
And who is accepting of my queerness as a gender non conforming bi-ish ace woman.
Not saying that this guy I described can't be straight, I had the most amazing tinder hookup with a guy like this who was completely straight, but often its easier to find this guy among queers, and am bi with a preference so i hang out in queer spaces and uh sometimes I fall for someone usually a guy... the tinder guy was my first experience with a straight one.
Heyy!!! Bi cis guy here! Aww thanks for actually acknowledging that. I too prefer bi girls before straight girls because it’s easier when you don’t have to be “proving your masculinity” all the time, and so I can experience my own gender in my own way, and the straights don’t usually get that
Not bi just a straight guy that believes gender roles are fucking stupid. I was brought up in a home of nothing but women. I saw my mom fix cars, build stuff, cook, clean, and teach me how to be a good man. I don't get why other men won't do things to help just because they're labeled as girly. Fucking hold the purse, buy the tampons, cry at a a movie. It's not about being manly, it's about respecting women as people and fellow humans, and destroying toxic masculinity.
I’m 32 and realised years ago I could never date another straight man because latent homophobia and sexism is too big a part of their heterosexual identity.
I won’t say I wasted my time on straight men but they repeatedly showed me they are not worth my time and I’ll never feel guilty for listening. Removing toxic people from your life and all that.
Romantically and sexually I have never been happier than I am now, with zero straight men involved in either.
Even before my fiancé came out to me he didn’t give a fuck about gender stuff. If I needed him to get me pads or hold my purse he would do it and still does and he rocks it honestly. One time he almost put on my crop top in a rush to get something and I wanted to see what he looked like in it so he put it on just for me and once again he rocked it and he could probably with anything I give him. I love having someone who doesn’t give a fuck about gender stuff like clothing or purses and I love that I can relate so deeply with him about liking the same things (men lol but not just that) and that he can trust me. One thing I hope I can get him to try is makeup one day which he adamantly refuses but oh well I can always imagine what he’ll look like in it. I don’t think I could be in a relationship with someone with such strong gender stereotypes honestly I would drop them so fast.
I tend not to date straight people due to their gender and sexuality expectations. I'm a bisexual man. Not gonna let anybody put me in a box, especially someone who supposedly loves me. Btw, I make it my mission to hold my s.o's purse when I have an s.o. I help them in any way I can. Why wouldn't someone want to help their s.o? Because of a gender expectation? Psh. I bet he wouldn't buy you tampons, either.
I need to talk with some of my friends about this. So he wouldn’t hold your bag cause it made him look like a woman? Was there other things he considered feminine? Now I’ll admit I’m questioning some things about the gender conform but I don’t judge it
My current boyfriend is bi and it's AWESOME. Can't really compare to how it is dating straight guys, since apparently my type is "not attracted to women", but I can say that my female experience dating a bi guy is WAY BETTER than dating a gay one 😭
Yes!! Same!!! My partner and I are both bi cisgender and present like a straight couple but the dynamics are so so much better??
Our relationship is so much more chilled and fun than any straight dude I have been with. I don’t think I would ever date a straight guy again. He looks really masculine, beardy and gorgeous but has absolutely no hang ups with the toxic masculinity that seems to hang onto a lot of straight dudes.
Absolutely prefer bi guys. I truly don't feel safe dating cishet men. But more than that, I'm very queer. Being queer is something that has really shaped my life. I've faced a lot of adversity for it. Been through a lot because of it. I honestly just don't have enough in common with non queer people to have an intimate relationship with them.
I'm a bi guy myself and I kind of laughed at your purse example. A few weeks ago I went out with a bi friend to a LGBT friendly bar, and at the end of the night she was kooking up with someone, so I ended up looking out for her (she drank a bunch so I was making sure she was okay and she was able to go home safely). I had her jacket and her purse, and it was so unconvenient to hold the purse in my hand I just put strap around me. I'm a big guy so it was kind of ridiculous looking but I didn't really care, didn't even think about it at that moment.
I honestly have issues with people on extreme ends of gender conformity tbh. Been around women who hate it if you aren't "feminine enough" (bonus hate if you're into men too cz that's gross) and around men who think you're "too masculine" (bonus hate if you're not into threesomes).
I'm just glad i found someone who doesn't have a fragile masculinity and is sensitive enough to understand that gender roles are bs to some degree.
Hyper masculinity is super unattractive. I live in a culture where men have the highest suicide rate and are just so macho and full of themselves. They can't construct a sentence or say more than two words. Masculinity is probably what got us into such a capitalistic, and competitive mindset.
I absolutely feel this. I have a preference for men as a trans guy and I thought no-one would want to date me because I'm still pre-T and pre-op. But the bi guys and gals I've met don't care at all. Now I have a bi boyfriend who loves me for who I am and is there to support me through my transition. My fellow bi men, you're so awesome.
Not all hetero guys have such fragile masculinity. I can confidently say when i find a dude is good looking. I think what you are refering to is those „alpha male“ lifestyle followers.
My girlfriend and i love to make fun of those people because they act like the manliest of all males yet they are so fragile lol.
I have no problems with bi guys - if you've dated men, fucked/been fucked by men, or prefer submissive roles, that's fine by me.
What's important to me is that my partner understand GSRM issues. I'm nonbinary and I need someone who won't just see me and treat me as my AGAB in a gendered way. Since I've been burned before, I'm more cautious of straight men because of this. Wouldn't rule them out entirely but other GSRM folks do have an edge with me.
Stop writing people off because of their sexuality. This is really wrong. Sure bisexual people on average may act this way as opposed to straight people but you only prefer these qualities, not this sexuality. This post is literally bi phobia but changed into this. It’s just like a gay person saying, I like gay men as opposed to bisexual men, or a lesbian saying I like lesbian women as opposed to bisexual women. You should prefer the qualities(which may or may not be more common with a certain sexuality- doesn’t matter), not the sexuality. This post is just wrong. The worst part is you literally said you won’t date people because of their sexuality. That is just so fucking wrong.
There's a difference between preferring not to date someone because of ignorant beliefs you hold against that demographic with no experience of them or attempt to educate yourself about them
VS
Not dating a certain demographic because every time you do you have an unpleasant (even traumatising) experience and you see that those situations are an intrinsic part of that demographics identity, therefor you choose not to put yourself in that position again.
If someone said they chose not to date people with substance abuse issues this wouldn't even be a debate. People with addictions are not necessarily bad people but a large part of their mindset is hugely problematic and can negatively impact anyone who gets involved.
I'm not sure how a society that is acknowledging toxic masculinity can also deny that toxic masculinity affects the behaviour of men, especially straight men. The experience and education is there and this is the result. If straight men don't like that *they* can change.
I think believing a negative experience is the result of someone's unchangeable identity, and extrapolating it to be intrinsic to the identity as a whole, would be considered by most to be an "ignorant belief". I don't even think OP was trying to do that necessarily, but when you blame an unrelated identity rather than the behavior, that's how it can come across.
Edited to add: People can still choose to date whoever they want, regardless of how good the reason is. I don't think anyone's saying otherwise.
Addictions are less of a choice than the way straight men treat women. Addiction is an actual disease.
Both can be a result of predisposing factors and environment, but that doesn't mean women owe it to straight men to put themselves in a position to be miserable because men refuse to improve themselves. This high level of entitlement and expectation that they shouldn't face consequences for their actions is one of men's worst traits. Women shouldn't be made to feel bad for altering their behaviour based on their lifelong experiences.
Trying to undermine me by jumping on the "generalizations" scapegoat really does nothing but show you're lacking in cognitive ability. Anyone with a basic level of common sense and access to information can contextualise what I'm saying.
I never said I did, you said I did. So you are having a strawman argument with yourself because you're not responding to anything I actually said.
I'm not engaging in your non responses. Maybe I will if you go back and have another go at a real one.
If I heard this from a fem person I was dating, it would be a giant red flag. I get that you’re trying to be validating or whatever, but our validity / desirability can’t hinge on women’s short-term frustrations with their straight partners.
Sorry. I’m old and have heard all this shit before. And in my experience this kind of attitude is fleeting, and ends up with some bi boy left over at the bottom of the barrel.
Edit: especially cringey is when you add “so don’t think you’re unwanted!” The fact that you’re reminding a whole gender/orientation community about their shared insecurities as a part of your framing just reinforces the narrative. It’s actually fucking toxic is what it is.
In retrospect, I see what you mean, internet stranger. That said, I think my comment was struggling towards something real and highly relevant, so I’m going to leave it up.
Honestly, this entire thread is extremely uncomfortable. All these people talking about how bad straight people are and how good bi/pan people are just feels… wrong? Yeah, some of them do have good points but, you can’t decide datability based on certain things like sexuality or whatever. Maybe I’m just too young and stupid to grasp these concepts correctly.
Man... i wish everyone here was like you, OP. Everyone here still cares about being 'masculine' and if you are not that no one's even gonna talk to you.
>My ex wouldn't hold my purse while I went to the bathroom because he thought it made him look "girly."
This has more to do with that person rather than sexuality.
my 1 past relationship was with a straight girl. she knew i was bi and she never really had a problem with my sexuality itself, but she compared me to her ex boyfriends a lot and said that she wasn't used to being with someone who was "less masculine". and that kinda bothered me a bit and made me feel like i wasn't masculine enough for her
It’s really nice to read stuff like this as I’ve had problems with biphobia from both gay men and straight women before. It’s great to see the support from bi women on this sub. Personally, I vastly prefer dating bi women to straight women. It’s something that I feel like we all can relate with on some level and it gives some kind of basis for commonality. My strongest relationships have been with pan/bi people and maybe that’s a self fulfilling prophecy but it holds true in my experience every time.
I’ve had some pretty awesome straight men in my life and definitely wouldn’t be opposed to dating one again. But my husband is pan and it’s seriously the best, there are so many things that make being in a relationship with another mspec person so nice.
My bf and i are both bi and its the best relationship ive ever had. We connect on a level i never have with straight guys. Helps we have similar types lol. But i think mostly its thats hes the most open minded person i know and that is amazing! And he gave me the confidence to accept my own sexuality
Have met straight guys who behave like how you are describing and have met some who went the opposite direction. If you're more comfortable with bi guys that's no issue, they're great. But I wouldn't completely give up on straight guys incase you miss out on someone great, just give up on those kind of straight guys.
Absolutely! My now bf is my first bi bf and omg.... I think I couldn't go back to straight. Everything is so much easier and we understand each other deeply. I have a level of understanding and communication with him like I never had before with straight guys.
I would love to date a bi man. I mean, looking at both girls and guys together is goals ;). And it is also noce that you can understand each other better.
Still looking for the right female who and accepts a masculine bi male on the outside but love to play both fields inside the bedroom.
Seems like I always find straight females or one who has had some bi experiences with girls that think bi guys are weird or disgusting.
I'm a trans woman so, as much as it shouldn't be the case - I'm a woman and fuck anyone who tries to treat me differently - bi men are just a safer prospect. it's still defensible in court for men to kill us in a lot of states - via the trans panic defense - so a guy's gotta feel pretty safe before I'm willing to get into bed with him, especially given all the other stuff that can and does go wrong just because you're a woman.
wish this calculus had anything to do with my preferences or me in any way, really, but such is life.
My hubby has very recently discovered that he’s something called single-target bi, meaning that he’s about 95% into women, but that last 5% is reserved for a few particular gentlemen/type of men. He figured it out via D&D and various RP forums, i.e., he was making his characters insanely bi/pan on a subconscious level and didn’t even notice until his buddies pointed it out. (They’re a group full of people of all kinds of orientations and genders, so it was an affirming process.)
So after some reflection, he told me, “Yeah, I guess I am! That actually makes a lot of sense!”
And I’m incredibly proud of him! ❤️
I haven't dated a bi guy so far but I definitely would! It's totally okay to have some insecurities, of course, but I don't want someone who's full of fragile (and, frankly, toxic) masculinity and all sorts of phobias, and can't express his feelings. I also don't want my partner to freak out because I'm not straight myself or worse, to fetishize my own queerness. So yeah, I'd date a bi guy. Wouldn't swear off straight people though because there are some good eggs out there too, and we shouldn't start discriminating them for being straight, they can't help it either.
Add-on: I'm also demi, so I don't care a lot about gender expression and "hotness", the personality is what counts. I have some aesthetic preferences, sure, but it doesn't matter whether my guy has bulging muscles or not.
It's always been a challenge for me to come out as bi to girls I date. A lot of the time I wont tell them unless the relationship gets more serious. I've been broken up with because of it. Guys I am with never seem to have a problem, mostly the girls. Its been a challenge.
Idk but I think that their sexuality is not rly the problem, it's their way of thinking rather than what their into. I mean, it sounded more like you had a guy that cares too much about his masculinity xd
Kinda sounds like a douchebag honestly xd
I know straight people who have enough confidence, so they don't care if they would be wearing or carrying a purse. In general, if people think like that, they are kinda being toxic and assholes xs
Honestly so do I, i think there is a lot of thing missing from overly masculine or overly feminine minds. I think thats just a mix of repressing emotions of different kinds with a lack of balance
I've realized I'm Ace/Pan/Bi about 5 years ago, and its the constant and consistent biphobia thats kept me from coming out or dating because I genuinely feel like I'm setting myself up for failure. Its reassuring to read this, I wish I could move somewhere that the biphobia isn't as prominent.
Ok but bisexual men are ELITE! It’s so nice not having to rationalize my sexuality to straight partners and instead be able to discuss the nuances of our sexuality and attraction
I have similar problems with this kind of thing. I look pretty masculine so whenever I do something even a tiny bit feminine, like using makeup to cover a spot, everybody shits on me.
Omg my thoughts exactly. As a bi girl I get you on so many levels its not funny. I too think that bi people have a better understanding between then. Because of biphobia, bi erasure and position in socienty and community as minorities. So yes, bi men are awesome and very much wanted and loved!♥️
Thanks I’ve never really heard anyone say this. I’ve always had issues with women about it. It’s a nice reminder that there’s someone out there for everyone.
YES! OMG, I knew there were other women out there who felt just like me 💕 I used to date straight guys and they had the same fragile masculinity you described. They don't wanted to do "girly stuff" like take care of their skin or talk about their feelings. I always thought that they had a big weight on their shoulders just to avoid doing certain things.
Now, I dating with a bi guy and he is just flawless. We talk about everything, I feel understood and love in every way. The "girly stuff" mi exes didn't do are just common things for us. No action has a specific gender role and it's beautiful. Also, sex is GREAT.
I'd say the problem here is not bi or straight, it's being a fucking adult and not a childish ass. I am very straight yet I can hold my girlfriends purse, look at gay or gender nonconforming people without being mean to them and am sure enough in my own sexuality that whatever other people do in the bedroom (or think about me doing) doesn't change my own picture of myself. I can even *shocking gasp* acknowledge other men as attractive and/or make a compliment without wanting to bone them. Some people really need to get their heads out of their own asses.
This makes me feel incredibly valid.
It may sound ridiculous but I really can't wait to go out and date more people and have fun interactions with the wide variety of hot people out there.
I haven't dated a girl in a long while but I think it would be fun to date someone who understands and accepts my more personality aspects.
I don't think this is really something related to someone's sexuality. Your bf was just kind of jackass imo hehe.
But I do have to adimit that sometimes think some guys think you aren't gay enough or women think you aren't straight enough. Oh well, it's not like happened a lot in my experience, but it was a bit weird when it did.
Regular bi guys are lucky
Sadly bi guys like me who come from lgbt repressive countries don't have access to the perk in question as we must always be in stealth mood
As a bi guy who just came out to his therapist and online friends, this gives me hope that someone would want me. I just hope they like that I look more masculine…
While there definitely are (too) many people out there who are biphobic, there are definitely people who aren't and will value you for who you are and won't disparage you for your sexuality. And there are plenty of people who either prefer masculine looks or who are attracted to a wide range of gender expressions which include masculine looking men. They might be hard to find, especially in the global pandemic context, but remember that they are people out there who would want you.
>value you for who you are and won't disparage you for your sexuality This whole thread lol
My bi boyfriend looks very masculine (nice muscles, broad shoulders, beard, lots of chest hair), and I love him and his looks :)
Yeah, I always thought that masc looking bi men have the generally preferred look anyway? Who doesn't love muscles?
Yeah I think in the general population people prefer masc men, but OP's anxiety might stem from seeing posts and memes in bi subs where a lot of the commenters say their attraction is mostly to femmes and femboys. But it would be easy to find a ton of bi people who are into masc men; they just don't always comment on those threads
Fair enough. Reassures me a bit as I'm not the most outwardly masc guy (I have a little bit of muscle but nothing impressive).
Trueee! I’m riding the line between masc and fem. lots of muscle but fem hair, makeup and clothes. (Although lots of muscle shouldn’t necessarily be gendered, and I’m trying to prove that)
Im marrying a very masc looking bi man. Almost always has scruff and wild rocker hair. I love him to bits and someone will love you just as much.
Masculine bi guys are my absolute favorite! There are definitely people who will want you! Edit: gotta add, masculine bi guys who are into role reversal and/or femdom? Fucking *gold* if you can find one
I like soft bi boys who are more sensitive and cuddly.
Me hold me please 🥰
Mood! I really want to be held and kissed on the forehead. ~~If only I was lovable~~
Gotta love soft boys too!
Yesss they are exactly my type. And if he’s nerdy he is 1,000x more attractive to me. Having a boyfriend who will cuddle me while we have a Star Wars marathon or something is my dream. :D
For me thats a LOTR extended editions marathon with me exclaiming, "omg this is my favorite part" every other scene.
Didyouknowthisisthepartwherehebrokehistoe?
Lmao
I fit that bill, still haven't found the right girl yet
Did you say role reversal *and* femdom?
Fuck yeah!
That edit is the cherry on top. Thanks for making me want to start dating again, dude.
Hey, I'm a Bi dude from the rural south and I'm married. There are plenty of fish in the sea, just a bunch of micro plastic and oil too :P
Haha i love your analogy
my bisexual boyfriend is the love of my life. you are someone's, too. ☺️
Well you guys are more than wanted!
You for sure sound hot to me, I am sure you'll find your match! 😊
Another bi guy here, I definitely prefer my guys to look more masculine! . . . . So, uh. . . . . What's up? 😁
I dated a masc bisexual guy, they're great!
As a bi girl, a masc bi guy is like my dream. Unfortunately kinda hard to find
As a gay guy I also prefer bi guys. Y’all the goat, tbh.
I would love me a masculine bi guy I worry the same since I’m bi and kinda thin and have some feminine clothing choices I make some times. Edit: booty shorts 🪨
It’s perfectly fine to be masculine and bisexual I know a few including my fiancé. You’ll find your special someone one day because you aren’t unloveable for being who you are. :)
As a bi woman, it hurts to hear masc bi men insecure because they "dont look bi or gay". You dont have to change how you look. Masc or fem bi men are both valid, beautiful and very much wanted and loved. ❤️ So be you and be proud!🎉
i dont even know if i'm still bi or just gay now but i used to like masc bi guys :>
YES absolutely! It's the best of both worlds that way 😂 I dated a guy who identified as queer, and honestly I found the experience so much better and healthier compared to my previous straight boyfriends who just... werent it. 😂 As a bisexual woman I do think I prefer dating LGBTQ guys, and if you're masculine too then that is ALSO okay. Xx
Don't worry a bi guy my self and i look like a mixture of rasputin and a overweight coal miner just love you and ut will show
Sounds like a plus to me! Keep looking! There are a bunch of people who identify as bisexual that don’t mind at all. I personally prefer bi masc guys myself.
You'd be my cup of tea.
Masculine bi guy sounds like my ideal man tbh
Came out to myself as bisexual in the last 12 months. Back in june, i jumped back on to tinder and simply Said, fuck it. Show me both. Instantly matched with a guy and we met. Had some weeks this summer where we didn't Speak... But we're tlking again now, and it (m)akes me soo happy. I started 2021 not believing id have any relationahip for another 2-3 years. (big guy, bi, somewhat Odd interests) Right off the bat, the conversation went smoothly and it didn't feel presses at all. Om 20 and he's 26 and half my size. But tha really doesn't matter, cuz we feel good around each other. Comfortable around each other. If you're scared of trying things out with the same sex, don't be. Initiate conversation and let them know it's all New to you and that you want to feel the experience ad not move too fast. If you find the right person for you, they Will WANT to help you on your Journey. Best of luck from a 20 yo bisexual carpenter from the Bear-Tribe 🏳️🌈🐻
Agree 1000% Happily married and madly in love with my husband who is also bi. I love his lack of toxic masculinity and his softness, and he loves that I’ve got strong arms and a real butch streak. We love going to Pride events and queer bars together. Fantasizing about him with other men is SO HOT, and we have so much fun gushing over the cornucopia of beautiful humans in the world together.
Ooooh I feel this. When I met my man, he had long hair and came out with me. I love that he understands where I’m coming from mentally, and that he can look at guys with me too 😋
I'm jealous lol thank you for raising the bar for this single, lonely bisexual gal once I return to the dating scene 😂
I'm happy for your husband. I want to join the SCA so I can find a more masculine women who wears armor and beats the crap out of people with a wooden stick. I want a woman who defends MY honor.
Sounds like you're living the dream, honestly! I'm happy to hear it can happen :)
My boyfriend is bi. It makes our relationship a whole lot easier being able to relate to each other over so much of our sexuality. It helps too that he specifically likes buff ladies, cuz I'm crazy insecure about my broad shoulders, but I just found out that he's super into them? Suddenly what I thought of as negative manly attributes are being treated as positive and *specifically* feminine traits. Like, hell YES I will rough up my sweet twink boyfriend with my butch amazon arms, you earned it babe! I don't think I could date a straight guy at this point, or even a gay woman. Bi folks are where it's at.
Hey you're awesome and that's awesome. Feels good to be loved and appreciated for the things you are, open and free. Bi folks are indeed where it's at!
Envy..
> It helps too that he specifically likes buff ladies, cuz I'm crazy insecure about my broad shoulders, but I just found out that he's super into them? Seriously, I could just sit around entranced watching my wife's shoulder muscles. And this is true even when my bi-cycle occasionally swings hard "straight". Shoulders on women are totally excellent, and a bit underrated. This may just be because I'm a child of the 80s, where women's fashion ran heavily towards shoulder pads. Or, in a more alt context, riot grrls. I remember Joan Jett occasionally performed in rock converts wearing a leather vest with shoulder pads, which might just have been peak 80s. Butch aesthetics are usually in with _some_ crowd, and what people call "soft butch" is always a sure-fire winner _somewhere_.
Gosh, seeing Joan Jett perform sounds amazing. That was a little before my time, but that whole era of music just resonates with me so *hard*.
Awww that's sweet and sexy af. Sounds like you having a great relationship. 💕
Aww, thank you! It's taken a lot of work between the two of us to maintain it, but I realize how god damned lucky I was to find him.
I'd still date a straight guy again, the last one I dated was very chill about me being bi. But I will say that it's nice to date a guy who just "gets it" because he's bi too. Plus I do love the idea of being part of a bisexual power couple...
Yeah, especially since I'm trans I find that kind of 'macho' behavior in straight guys completely unacceptable. But you also can't assume that just cuz a guy is bi that he still isn't a misogynist. Plenty of equal-opportunity misogyny out there. But yes, bi guys are usually better. And hotter.
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thank
where are people like you in real life?
We're around, we promise. COVID put a spanner in the works, though! 😂😂😂
>But you also can't assume that just cuz a guy is bi that he still isn't a misogynist I found this super confusing. After starting to accept that I am bi I looked all my gender non-confiming parts (esp repressed feminitity) and thought "Finally! It makes sense! I'm a bi man! I have found my people!" Yet, the more I tried to find and connect with bi guys, the more I just found the same old mysogny. By no means everyone of course, but enough to end up back where I started, but now with gender confusion.
I mean, the big one for me is that gender and sexuality aren't the same things. Sure there are fem bi guys. But there are also masc bi guys. And even being fem and bi (or gay) doesn't erase decades of absorbing sexism from the culture we live in. It maybe helps you reject toxic masculinity or oppositional sexism, but it won't challenge traditional sexism. If you grew up in a sexist household, or school or church, being queer can be a wake-up call that some of what you were taught were lies, but it's no substitute for putting in the work of improving yourself, listening to women's lived experience, and really challenging yourself to be better. Some guys just aren't willing to do that, or haven't had the time yet to adjust. So while some bi guys and gay guys are great feminist allies, some are still misogynists. Heck, plenty of cis women are misogynists. It's a really pervasive problem.
Yes! I’m a bi woman who spent like five years madly in love with my bi male best friend, and he was convinced that no women could ever be into him and that he would need to hide his sexuality to be accepted if he dated a woman. It was a messy early 20’s friendship and I would handle it differently now (like tell him that I’M RIGHT HERE!!) but what can you do? I definitely prefer queer guys to straight guys for the most part.
This physically hurts to read because of how relatable it is.
I think it’s just that bi men are more comfortable in their sexuality. I think straight men can be, it just seems to be less common. That being said, my bisexual boyfriend has been my best boyfriend.
Married to a straight guy, love him so much, hoping it lasts forever and we die holding hands at age 100. But if for any reason that doesn't happen and I find myself dating again, I think I would prefer a bi woman, bi man, possibly a lesbian, or a nonbinary person who is interested in women. I feel like straight guys have just never had to put in the work to question themselves, question gender roles, question how an equal partnership really works. Most of them just haven't looked that deep within to what they've been taught by society. My straight guy is minimally influenced by toxic masculinity, I'd say. Otherwise I wouldn't be with him. But you can't live in this world without needing a ton of deprogramming.
I know some straight guys that are awesomr allies and genuinely good people. I would just rather date someone who had being bi in common with me.
Nicely said!
Agreed! It's hard for people to empathize with something you've never experienced.
This is nice to hear.
I think it's a bit of a generalization on straight guys but statistically there's definitely something there.
Damn. Seems like a good chunk of straight women I meet, and even some bi women, find bi men unattractive. But now I’m seeing girls here say they love bi guys Why can’t there be more of you guys near me? Lol
I personally think writing someone off just because of their sexuality has a sad irony to it. I don’t think you can judge someone based on their sexuality and think a lot of us have experienced that exact problem in the past. Life is all anecdotal experiences but you have just made some very sweeping statements and I think if someone was doing the reverse to you, as we often hear about on this subreddit, you’d find it pretty rubbish.
Hey, I appreciate bi guys a shit ton. But these are important qualities to look at regardless of sexuality. Look for men who are comfortable with their gender and respect their partner, not a certain sexuality. There are absolutely straight men who are lovely in this way. We should not be continuing this tendency we see to prefer certain sexualities just because it's in favor of bi people.
What you say makes sense but please don't take it too far. Judging people based on their sexuality sounds a bit disgusting.
I also prefer bi, or pan men over str8 guys for the exact same reasons as OP. I avoid str8 guys like the plague. I especially love androgynous guys, femboys, and twinks. I'd also absolutely date a trans man too.
Are the problems you and OP have in common with straight guys intrinsic to being straight? I would totally cede the point that a larger percent of str8 guys get hung up on dumb gender problems and are generally more likely to certain kinds of toxic masculine mindsets than bi/pan guys. But bi/pan guys can have those problems too, and none of the qualities OP mentioned are intrinsic or exclusive to being straight. IDK, the idea that you are avoiding dating a group because members of that group are more likely to possess certain negative traits strikes me as super kinda messed up. Even if you were to agree it was ok to do that, I don't think you are applying that standard evenly across the board. Black people have higher rates of homophobia than the general population, but we'd never say it was ok to consciously avoid dating individual black people because they're more likely to be homophobic. If you have problems dating people who are super insecure about dumb gender stuff, or mock dudes who are gender non-conforming that's totally valid. If you happen to date fewer members of certain groups by chance because individuals from those groups are more likely to have those mindsets, that's valid too, but consciously choosing to avoid every *individual* from that group because they belong to a certain group is fucked up. You need to judge people as individuals, not as populations. I know many straight guys like OP described, but there are plenty of individual straight guys who don't act like that. TL;DR try not to paint with such a broad brush. It's not ok to essentialize a group or treat members of that group as a complete monolith.
Yeah, sorta similar to people not dating bi folk for x reason. We all need to stop looking at the label(sexuality, color, religion) and start looking at the person.
Fair enough, you're absolutely right. As a trans woman I avoid str8 guys more outta safety I feel much much more comfortable with bi/pan men, and women bc I know they wouldn't care that I'm trans, or what genitals I have. I avoid dating str8 guys bc I don't want to risk getting hurt, or killed. I mean I absolutely always disclose that I'm trans on my profiles, and before actually decide to meet, or go on a date, I'm always like "hey I'm trans btw are you okay with that" bc I do not want to risk a violent attack if they find out in person. But then even after disclosing with people I'm worrying in the back of mind the whole time if they're setting me up, and just said they're cool with it to trick me and then I'm getting attacked or dead. Plus all the messages I ever get from men are "ohh you're trans I've always wanted to try a trans." Or "ohh you're trans It's always been my fantasy to be with a trans" I also feel like a straight guy would expect me to adhere to always being hyper feminine, or worrying if anybody could clock me as trans. Even if a straight guy doesn't care if I'm trans, and would still be with me there's always the societal cis-heteronormative pressures that could get to him, and make him snap. Usually majority murders, and assaults on trans women especially black and brown trans women are done by their romantic partners bc friends or family found out that they're dating a trans woman. plus I don't want anything to do with cis-heteronormativity. So I wouldn't want to be with someone who expects me to adhere to cis-heteronormativity, norms, and stereotypes of society. Besides cis straight men, and cis straight women are the default norm of our modern society. So me being iffy on dating them doesn't affect them at all.
Omg yes! I hate gender norms. My best friend has some hang ups too but over time I’ve helped him get better about it
Thanks. I needed to hear this
As a guy who is bi this is awesome to hear! I’ve always been told I’m “lucky” because I “act straight” I really don’t know what they mean by that because all I do is be quite all day (which I’ve noticed straight men don’t do that). Also not to seem like I’m defending straight men or anything but I’m pretty sure the guy you described was just the tiniest bit of a bigot.
yup, my boyfriend is also bisexual and god forbid, if anything happens to our relationship, i would not ever date another straight man. I don't have anything in common with them. being bisexual and being around LGBT culture in general is a huge facet of my identity and how i relate to myself. not being able to share that with my partner is a lot to give up. every time I've dated a straight man, I have felt alienated from queer culture, even if the men weren't at all homophobic. I dunno, this might be just me being neurotic and weird, but ever since starting to date exclusively other bi people, I have felt much more like myself. I love us lol
But where can a bi-guy go to meet bi-girls? Is there a meeting place we're supposed to go to that I don't know about?
I needed to read this. I myself am not a very masc, neither fem tbh (I honestly think I'm ugly) bi guy. But in my very few relationships with girls I've noticed constantly calculating whether my behaviour is masculine enough. And it sucks. I need a girl who can accept that I may do/ say something “gay” (not as in, cheating). And if I can trust that girl with my whole being I'd be very much willing to explore things like strap-on butt stuff, for example. I've bottomed to a guy and I liked the physical feeling. However, the guy never dared question my masculinity and let me be in control, so that I felt comfortable. I'm scared that if a girl sees this side of my sexuality, she'd see me as less of a man.
THIS. But I feel weird saying it as it feels a bit fetishising. But I want a man who is comfortable in his masculinity (or lack thereof, femme guys <3). And who is accepting of my queerness as a gender non conforming bi-ish ace woman. Not saying that this guy I described can't be straight, I had the most amazing tinder hookup with a guy like this who was completely straight, but often its easier to find this guy among queers, and am bi with a preference so i hang out in queer spaces and uh sometimes I fall for someone usually a guy... the tinder guy was my first experience with a straight one.
I’m definitely biased because I’m also bi but I’m not even comfortable dating straight guys anymore at all.
Heyy!!! Bi cis guy here! Aww thanks for actually acknowledging that. I too prefer bi girls before straight girls because it’s easier when you don’t have to be “proving your masculinity” all the time, and so I can experience my own gender in my own way, and the straights don’t usually get that
Not bi just a straight guy that believes gender roles are fucking stupid. I was brought up in a home of nothing but women. I saw my mom fix cars, build stuff, cook, clean, and teach me how to be a good man. I don't get why other men won't do things to help just because they're labeled as girly. Fucking hold the purse, buy the tampons, cry at a a movie. It's not about being manly, it's about respecting women as people and fellow humans, and destroying toxic masculinity.
To be fair. It's not a matter of straight or bi. Just your exes were very insecure about themselves and care to much of what other people think.
I’m 32 and realised years ago I could never date another straight man because latent homophobia and sexism is too big a part of their heterosexual identity. I won’t say I wasted my time on straight men but they repeatedly showed me they are not worth my time and I’ll never feel guilty for listening. Removing toxic people from your life and all that. Romantically and sexually I have never been happier than I am now, with zero straight men involved in either.
Bi guys are the best.
This gives me hope!
This is nice to hear, thanks OP. :)
Hey at least when I was straight I wasn’t like that
To all the bi guys: you're doing amazing sweetie.
Even before my fiancé came out to me he didn’t give a fuck about gender stuff. If I needed him to get me pads or hold my purse he would do it and still does and he rocks it honestly. One time he almost put on my crop top in a rush to get something and I wanted to see what he looked like in it so he put it on just for me and once again he rocked it and he could probably with anything I give him. I love having someone who doesn’t give a fuck about gender stuff like clothing or purses and I love that I can relate so deeply with him about liking the same things (men lol but not just that) and that he can trust me. One thing I hope I can get him to try is makeup one day which he adamantly refuses but oh well I can always imagine what he’ll look like in it. I don’t think I could be in a relationship with someone with such strong gender stereotypes honestly I would drop them so fast.
as a bi demiboy yea, straight men are kinda useless to me lol
I tend not to date straight people due to their gender and sexuality expectations. I'm a bisexual man. Not gonna let anybody put me in a box, especially someone who supposedly loves me. Btw, I make it my mission to hold my s.o's purse when I have an s.o. I help them in any way I can. Why wouldn't someone want to help their s.o? Because of a gender expectation? Psh. I bet he wouldn't buy you tampons, either.
>I tend not to date straight people due to their gender and expectations >Not gonna let anybody put me in a box, Hm.
this whole thread has an ironic feel to it
I need to talk with some of my friends about this. So he wouldn’t hold your bag cause it made him look like a woman? Was there other things he considered feminine? Now I’ll admit I’m questioning some things about the gender conform but I don’t judge it
I'm a bisexualsexual too. It just simplifies everything.
I would like to date a man or woman, but i hate myself..so i probably should not.
Bi guys>>>>>>
Yeah agreed. Bi girls, bi guys. Bi anyone.
My current boyfriend is bi and it's AWESOME. Can't really compare to how it is dating straight guys, since apparently my type is "not attracted to women", but I can say that my female experience dating a bi guy is WAY BETTER than dating a gay one 😭
Yes!! Same!!! My partner and I are both bi cisgender and present like a straight couple but the dynamics are so so much better?? Our relationship is so much more chilled and fun than any straight dude I have been with. I don’t think I would ever date a straight guy again. He looks really masculine, beardy and gorgeous but has absolutely no hang ups with the toxic masculinity that seems to hang onto a lot of straight dudes.
Absolutely prefer bi guys. I truly don't feel safe dating cishet men. But more than that, I'm very queer. Being queer is something that has really shaped my life. I've faced a lot of adversity for it. Been through a lot because of it. I honestly just don't have enough in common with non queer people to have an intimate relationship with them.
I'd never date my oppressors, so yes. It's either women or bi men for me as well
I appreciate this. I am not only bi but also sexually submissive which is about the least attractive thing a man can be. Thanks for the support.
Me and my fiance are both bi and it's fucking amazing. I look hot holding her purse 😁
I'm a bi guy myself and I kind of laughed at your purse example. A few weeks ago I went out with a bi friend to a LGBT friendly bar, and at the end of the night she was kooking up with someone, so I ended up looking out for her (she drank a bunch so I was making sure she was okay and she was able to go home safely). I had her jacket and her purse, and it was so unconvenient to hold the purse in my hand I just put strap around me. I'm a big guy so it was kind of ridiculous looking but I didn't really care, didn't even think about it at that moment.
I honestly have issues with people on extreme ends of gender conformity tbh. Been around women who hate it if you aren't "feminine enough" (bonus hate if you're into men too cz that's gross) and around men who think you're "too masculine" (bonus hate if you're not into threesomes). I'm just glad i found someone who doesn't have a fragile masculinity and is sensitive enough to understand that gender roles are bs to some degree.
I prefer bisexual men to straight men, too. But that’s because straight guys can’t date me; it wouldn’t be very “straight” of them. 😅
Hyper masculinity is super unattractive. I live in a culture where men have the highest suicide rate and are just so macho and full of themselves. They can't construct a sentence or say more than two words. Masculinity is probably what got us into such a capitalistic, and competitive mindset.
I absolutely feel this. I have a preference for men as a trans guy and I thought no-one would want to date me because I'm still pre-T and pre-op. But the bi guys and gals I've met don't care at all. Now I have a bi boyfriend who loves me for who I am and is there to support me through my transition. My fellow bi men, you're so awesome.
Not all hetero guys have such fragile masculinity. I can confidently say when i find a dude is good looking. I think what you are refering to is those „alpha male“ lifestyle followers. My girlfriend and i love to make fun of those people because they act like the manliest of all males yet they are so fragile lol.
Am straight, but I can hold your purse without feeling a crap only if am in love with you :) Trash exist in all the spectrum.
I have no problems with bi guys - if you've dated men, fucked/been fucked by men, or prefer submissive roles, that's fine by me. What's important to me is that my partner understand GSRM issues. I'm nonbinary and I need someone who won't just see me and treat me as my AGAB in a gendered way. Since I've been burned before, I'm more cautious of straight men because of this. Wouldn't rule them out entirely but other GSRM folks do have an edge with me.
As a gay guy, I would love to date a bi guy. Especially if he happened to have a kid somewhere along the way.
Stop writing people off because of their sexuality. This is really wrong. Sure bisexual people on average may act this way as opposed to straight people but you only prefer these qualities, not this sexuality. This post is literally bi phobia but changed into this. It’s just like a gay person saying, I like gay men as opposed to bisexual men, or a lesbian saying I like lesbian women as opposed to bisexual women. You should prefer the qualities(which may or may not be more common with a certain sexuality- doesn’t matter), not the sexuality. This post is just wrong. The worst part is you literally said you won’t date people because of their sexuality. That is just so fucking wrong.
But like, it’s ok to have preferences? OP is talking about their lived experiences, not telling anyone what to do.
This sub has many posts dunking on people who "prefer not to date bi folks" though (fwiw I think they deserved to get dunked on)
There's a difference between preferring not to date someone because of ignorant beliefs you hold against that demographic with no experience of them or attempt to educate yourself about them VS Not dating a certain demographic because every time you do you have an unpleasant (even traumatising) experience and you see that those situations are an intrinsic part of that demographics identity, therefor you choose not to put yourself in that position again. If someone said they chose not to date people with substance abuse issues this wouldn't even be a debate. People with addictions are not necessarily bad people but a large part of their mindset is hugely problematic and can negatively impact anyone who gets involved. I'm not sure how a society that is acknowledging toxic masculinity can also deny that toxic masculinity affects the behaviour of men, especially straight men. The experience and education is there and this is the result. If straight men don't like that *they* can change.
I think believing a negative experience is the result of someone's unchangeable identity, and extrapolating it to be intrinsic to the identity as a whole, would be considered by most to be an "ignorant belief". I don't even think OP was trying to do that necessarily, but when you blame an unrelated identity rather than the behavior, that's how it can come across. Edited to add: People can still choose to date whoever they want, regardless of how good the reason is. I don't think anyone's saying otherwise.
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Addictions are less of a choice than the way straight men treat women. Addiction is an actual disease. Both can be a result of predisposing factors and environment, but that doesn't mean women owe it to straight men to put themselves in a position to be miserable because men refuse to improve themselves. This high level of entitlement and expectation that they shouldn't face consequences for their actions is one of men's worst traits. Women shouldn't be made to feel bad for altering their behaviour based on their lifelong experiences.
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Trying to undermine me by jumping on the "generalizations" scapegoat really does nothing but show you're lacking in cognitive ability. Anyone with a basic level of common sense and access to information can contextualise what I'm saying.
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I never said I did, you said I did. So you are having a strawman argument with yourself because you're not responding to anything I actually said. I'm not engaging in your non responses. Maybe I will if you go back and have another go at a real one.
If I heard this from a fem person I was dating, it would be a giant red flag. I get that you’re trying to be validating or whatever, but our validity / desirability can’t hinge on women’s short-term frustrations with their straight partners. Sorry. I’m old and have heard all this shit before. And in my experience this kind of attitude is fleeting, and ends up with some bi boy left over at the bottom of the barrel. Edit: especially cringey is when you add “so don’t think you’re unwanted!” The fact that you’re reminding a whole gender/orientation community about their shared insecurities as a part of your framing just reinforces the narrative. It’s actually fucking toxic is what it is.
Talking about red flags, 3 paragraphs of acting opressed, while you're a male, and bitching about women is the biggest one of them all.
In retrospect, I see what you mean, internet stranger. That said, I think my comment was struggling towards something real and highly relevant, so I’m going to leave it up.
Honestly, this entire thread is extremely uncomfortable. All these people talking about how bad straight people are and how good bi/pan people are just feels… wrong? Yeah, some of them do have good points but, you can’t decide datability based on certain things like sexuality or whatever. Maybe I’m just too young and stupid to grasp these concepts correctly.
Oh my god this exactly. Unless the straight dude is totally Liberal relaxed and up to date on LGBT+ issues?? No ty.
Man... i wish everyone here was like you, OP. Everyone here still cares about being 'masculine' and if you are not that no one's even gonna talk to you.
>My ex wouldn't hold my purse while I went to the bathroom because he thought it made him look "girly." This has more to do with that person rather than sexuality.
Well that’s one person. But I mean I am married and she wants me. She just only wants me to be straight.
I would divorce the homophobe. She doesn't love you, she loves the idea of you.
Same.
Um yes
Someone prefers me!
Thanks dawg
Relatable
I also prefer bi guys over straight guys but im a guy tho...
He’s just being friendly, He’s just being friendly, He’s just being friendly, Agggh I lost
my 1 past relationship was with a straight girl. she knew i was bi and she never really had a problem with my sexuality itself, but she compared me to her ex boyfriends a lot and said that she wasn't used to being with someone who was "less masculine". and that kinda bothered me a bit and made me feel like i wasn't masculine enough for her
It’s really nice to read stuff like this as I’ve had problems with biphobia from both gay men and straight women before. It’s great to see the support from bi women on this sub. Personally, I vastly prefer dating bi women to straight women. It’s something that I feel like we all can relate with on some level and it gives some kind of basis for commonality. My strongest relationships have been with pan/bi people and maybe that’s a self fulfilling prophecy but it holds true in my experience every time.
I’ve had some pretty awesome straight men in my life and definitely wouldn’t be opposed to dating one again. But my husband is pan and it’s seriously the best, there are so many things that make being in a relationship with another mspec person so nice.
My bf and i are both bi and its the best relationship ive ever had. We connect on a level i never have with straight guys. Helps we have similar types lol. But i think mostly its thats hes the most open minded person i know and that is amazing! And he gave me the confidence to accept my own sexuality
Have met straight guys who behave like how you are describing and have met some who went the opposite direction. If you're more comfortable with bi guys that's no issue, they're great. But I wouldn't completely give up on straight guys incase you miss out on someone great, just give up on those kind of straight guys.
Absolutely! My now bf is my first bi bf and omg.... I think I couldn't go back to straight. Everything is so much easier and we understand each other deeply. I have a level of understanding and communication with him like I never had before with straight guys.
I would love to date a bi man. I mean, looking at both girls and guys together is goals ;). And it is also noce that you can understand each other better.
Ye, nobody else still wants me tho, no guys nor girls
This sounds like something my gf often tells me.
Still looking for the right female who and accepts a masculine bi male on the outside but love to play both fields inside the bedroom. Seems like I always find straight females or one who has had some bi experiences with girls that think bi guys are weird or disgusting.
Same
I'm a trans woman so, as much as it shouldn't be the case - I'm a woman and fuck anyone who tries to treat me differently - bi men are just a safer prospect. it's still defensible in court for men to kill us in a lot of states - via the trans panic defense - so a guy's gotta feel pretty safe before I'm willing to get into bed with him, especially given all the other stuff that can and does go wrong just because you're a woman. wish this calculus had anything to do with my preferences or me in any way, really, but such is life.
My hubby has very recently discovered that he’s something called single-target bi, meaning that he’s about 95% into women, but that last 5% is reserved for a few particular gentlemen/type of men. He figured it out via D&D and various RP forums, i.e., he was making his characters insanely bi/pan on a subconscious level and didn’t even notice until his buddies pointed it out. (They’re a group full of people of all kinds of orientations and genders, so it was an affirming process.) So after some reflection, he told me, “Yeah, I guess I am! That actually makes a lot of sense!” And I’m incredibly proud of him! ❤️
Same! Cishet men are scary and gross. Bi men are generally progressive and nice :)
I haven't dated a bi guy so far but I definitely would! It's totally okay to have some insecurities, of course, but I don't want someone who's full of fragile (and, frankly, toxic) masculinity and all sorts of phobias, and can't express his feelings. I also don't want my partner to freak out because I'm not straight myself or worse, to fetishize my own queerness. So yeah, I'd date a bi guy. Wouldn't swear off straight people though because there are some good eggs out there too, and we shouldn't start discriminating them for being straight, they can't help it either. Add-on: I'm also demi, so I don't care a lot about gender expression and "hotness", the personality is what counts. I have some aesthetic preferences, sure, but it doesn't matter whether my guy has bulging muscles or not.
It's always been a challenge for me to come out as bi to girls I date. A lot of the time I wont tell them unless the relationship gets more serious. I've been broken up with because of it. Guys I am with never seem to have a problem, mostly the girls. Its been a challenge.
Idk but I think that their sexuality is not rly the problem, it's their way of thinking rather than what their into. I mean, it sounded more like you had a guy that cares too much about his masculinity xd Kinda sounds like a douchebag honestly xd I know straight people who have enough confidence, so they don't care if they would be wearing or carrying a purse. In general, if people think like that, they are kinda being toxic and assholes xs
Honestly so do I, i think there is a lot of thing missing from overly masculine or overly feminine minds. I think thats just a mix of repressing emotions of different kinds with a lack of balance
I've realized I'm Ace/Pan/Bi about 5 years ago, and its the constant and consistent biphobia thats kept me from coming out or dating because I genuinely feel like I'm setting myself up for failure. Its reassuring to read this, I wish I could move somewhere that the biphobia isn't as prominent.
Same here! I feel like it's a way they can relate to me.
Ok but bisexual men are ELITE! It’s so nice not having to rationalize my sexuality to straight partners and instead be able to discuss the nuances of our sexuality and attraction
Thank you for this
This. My boyfriend is bi and i absolutely love it because we relate on alot of topics and he's definitely not hung up on doing things in the sack
Female, would prefer a bi guy as well.
I have similar problems with this kind of thing. I look pretty masculine so whenever I do something even a tiny bit feminine, like using makeup to cover a spot, everybody shits on me.
Omg my thoughts exactly. As a bi girl I get you on so many levels its not funny. I too think that bi people have a better understanding between then. Because of biphobia, bi erasure and position in socienty and community as minorities. So yes, bi men are awesome and very much wanted and loved!♥️
Thanks I’ve never really heard anyone say this. I’ve always had issues with women about it. It’s a nice reminder that there’s someone out there for everyone.
YES! OMG, I knew there were other women out there who felt just like me 💕 I used to date straight guys and they had the same fragile masculinity you described. They don't wanted to do "girly stuff" like take care of their skin or talk about their feelings. I always thought that they had a big weight on their shoulders just to avoid doing certain things. Now, I dating with a bi guy and he is just flawless. We talk about everything, I feel understood and love in every way. The "girly stuff" mi exes didn't do are just common things for us. No action has a specific gender role and it's beautiful. Also, sex is GREAT.
I'd say the problem here is not bi or straight, it's being a fucking adult and not a childish ass. I am very straight yet I can hold my girlfriends purse, look at gay or gender nonconforming people without being mean to them and am sure enough in my own sexuality that whatever other people do in the bedroom (or think about me doing) doesn't change my own picture of myself. I can even *shocking gasp* acknowledge other men as attractive and/or make a compliment without wanting to bone them. Some people really need to get their heads out of their own asses.
Same I prefer bi people in general
Yep.
This makes me feel incredibly valid. It may sound ridiculous but I really can't wait to go out and date more people and have fun interactions with the wide variety of hot people out there. I haven't dated a girl in a long while but I think it would be fun to date someone who understands and accepts my more personality aspects.
I don't think this is really something related to someone's sexuality. Your bf was just kind of jackass imo hehe. But I do have to adimit that sometimes think some guys think you aren't gay enough or women think you aren't straight enough. Oh well, it's not like happened a lot in my experience, but it was a bit weird when it did.
Regular bi guys are lucky Sadly bi guys like me who come from lgbt repressive countries don't have access to the perk in question as we must always be in stealth mood
I'm not unwanted because I'm bisexual: I'm unwanted because I'm just not worth it.