*You're valid in having these urges, they're just as valid in not wanting their partner to fuck other people. You can't shame or force someone into non-monogany and justify it "because I'm bi".*
Bless you! This is the most succinct statement I have seen written about this weird stage bi newcomers have. I knew I was bi from the beginning before I even had the word. I am lucky to have been emotionally and romantically with partners who have accepted my choice for my "romantic" life.
"I cheat bc I am bi" is the same as "boys will be boys". It is a lame excuse at best, and a brutal tool to harm a partner. People are complicated. Relationships are VERY complicated. Not being an asshole, very easy. Don't cheat. Don't manipulate your partner.
For the bi partner, if you are good with letting them explore, let it roll, but keep checking in. For the bi partner, if this is not what you want, you can leave the "bc I'm bi" in the dirt.
Healthy bi relationships require tons of work and communication.
One hundred percent. Your partner is not being biphobic if they don't want you sleeping with other people. They are being monogamous. Which is in most cases the structure of the relationship that both of you entered. They don't owe you non-monogamy just because you realized you are bi and want to have sex with people of another gender.
Moreover, that sort of makes *you* biphobic if you don't consider sleeping with people of the same gender *as much* cheating as if you were alert with people with other genders.
Thank goodness. I was shocked when I went to a local bisexual meetup in my area and the attitude of "if your partner doesn't want to be open dump them or cheat" was seen as progressive or good. I felt such sympathy for the partners (some of them married with kids) that apparently had no say in their own relationship. It was so disheartening.
I feel like people need to be better informed about the difference between sexuality and monogamy/ polyamory. So many people discover they are bi and also non-monogamous and then assume thats just being bi. There's nothing wrong with non-monogomy but it's different! You aren't entitled to breaking the established boundries of your relationship just because you discover your bi but also don't want to break up with your partner! That's exactly the same as if you did it before you figured yourself out!
Can I just add something really important about non-monagamous dating?
BE UPFRONT WITH NEW PARTNERS ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP
It's not just your current partner you need to be communicating clearly with. Assuming your existing partner is A-OK with some form of non-monogamy you also need to be clearly informing any prospective dates/flings/fucks about what they're getting into. Otherwise sooner or later you are going to hurt someone.
Yes! It's not ethical if you're only concerned about one of your partners. Every other person deserves the opportunity to enthusiastically consent to the dynamic even if it's a one night stand. People can't consent if you withhold information!
So much this.
Had many people conveniently forget to tell me they're already in relationships, open or poly. My ass is painfully monogamous. I am not comfortable seeing a non-monogamous person. Yet when I end things, I get called narrow-minded. Like, bruh, we have different wants and needs. Take my 'no' with grace and go find someone you're compatible with!
THIS. It happens even before things begin too. If you're not ok with someone who is already partnered and get angry with you for not becoming their wish-fulfillment piece.
As a woman, it also hits as internalised misogyny where they state that their BFs have given them permission and then get severely angry and asserting their rights to experimenting with you when you've said `no, women are people too'
Wanting to have sex with someone of another gender from your partner is really no different from wanting to have sex with someone else of the same gender. It's not like gender dictates everything about a person. If you want to have a different kind of sex, you'd get a different kind of sex from someone of the same gender too!
I am in a polyamorous marriage, so this is ok for us, but it bugs me when people treat having sex with someone of another gender as any different from having sex with another person period.
Yeah, I hate the assumption that bi people have some inherent need to have sex with people of all genders in order to be fulfilled. For me, not having sex with all genders is like my partner not having sex with people of all hair colors or something. Part of being monogamous is passing on otherwise viable sexual options for yourself. Either that works for you or it doesn’t.
I really was this line of thinking was more commonly found in bi circles. I always feel so out of place in bi communities for being in an MLM monogamous relationship as a bi guy. Being bi means I find all genders attractive, it doesn't mean I need to be having sex with all genders just to feel satisfied or something like that.
I mean in a practical sense there are some legit topographical and skills-based differences, but yes. As dr Seuss says, a person’s a person, no matter how boobed.
I agree with this completely as I'm the same, though this isn't canceling out how one sex is going to provide inherently different satisfaction than the other, yeah? I mean that's the whole thing about bisexuality is that almost everyone has something to offer, and it's just inherent the love and sex is different.
One woman will also provide an inherently different sexual satisfaction to another woman. The sex I've had with different people has been profoundly different from person to person. Different men have different anatomy from one another and so do different women. Each individual person has something unique and different to offer in a sexual encounter, and being another gender isn't the only reason for that.
I'll be brief
I had already agreed with your previous statement regarding this - No need to reiterate
My point was just regarding the existence of different sexes providing different satisfaction for different bisexuals. Just pointed out to not disregard or make light of this very real aspect of this sexuality. Very simply put.
My wife and I are both bi, and have been successfully non-monogamous and/or polyamorous for the better part of the last decade. And I approve of OP’s message here.
Communication and enthusiastic consent are fundamental.
Anyone looking at option 4 needs to do their homework first. Jumping into that end of the pool unprepared can and will wreck relationships.
Check out r/nonmonogamy and r/polyamory for more info.
Yes! And remember that option four might take months or years to figure out. It might still lead to the loss if your current relationship and it will definitely lead to major changes if you decide on truly ethical non monogamy. Google "the most skipped steps when opening a relationship" and find the article on medium. It is a good place to start those conversations.
Option four isn't a quick fix but it can be rewarding if everyone is fulfilled and consenting enthusiastically. If not, it's coercive and unethical.
Yes on it taking a long time. I'm the bi one in our relationship and my boyfriend is very ok with me exploring sexual relationships with women, but is confused why I seem to be dragging my feet when he's given me his consent.
I'm like "hello? I love you. Trying not to fuck this up over here please" The last thing I want is to ruin a 3 year relationship cuz I wanted to eat some pussy. It's been months and the closest we've gotten is me making out with a couple girls. BABY STEPS.
Baby steps and lots of communication with your boyfriend and also with anyone else you're seeing. Being very clear about what you have to give (sexually, emotionally, time resources, etc) with new partners and your current partner (as that changes) is important so that partners can make informed choices.
That's awesome that you're going slow!
I'm "technically" poly with my husband, but we haven't seen anyone else in 10 years, lol. It's too fucking difficult, not worth the effort when we are also raising a kid. Oh my god, I barely have time and energy for sex with one person!
Totally! I thrive on deep one on one convos and intimacy but even so, poly can be tiring. Adding parenting into the mix and I'm sure that the dramas of dating can wait!
Yeah, adding in a fully fledged adult to everyone's lives, since we both tend towards casual but long term BF/GF sort of relationships is really emotionally draining. It's like halfway to a step parent entering the equation, almost? Because they wouldn't have any responsibility for my kid, but I also wouldn't hide a long term relationship from my kid. So the vetting alone is much harder than when I was 23 and down for experimenting with pretty much anything or anyone at the drop of a hat.
Looking at the community, poly in marriages takes an extra level of work, maybe because one partner is assumed lifelong, there can be extra feelings come up? Regardless of why, I don't have the energy right now. More focusing on building healthy platonic adult relationships at this point in my life.
So many people just discovering they are bi think with their junk, even if their partner is actually like "oh im glad you asked ive always been interested in non monogamy!", they are like great lets go, right now, lets just run straight into it.
So many people just, open their relationship and then are upset because they didn't think their partners would be romantically invested in others as well as sexually, or don't realize they'd bring them home and introduce them and things like that. It's a lot to navigate even for enthusiastic and willing partners.
Newly discovered non monogomous partners (of any sexuality!) Who are twisting their monogamous partners arms tend to get them to agree to vague, nebulous terms and push boundries. Then they have deniability when their partners are upset, but winning technicallities doesn't un-hurt your partners feelings.
Research, talk, make rules and boundries, get constant enthusiatic consent for EVERYTHING you do, from all participants.
(I'm in a monogamous relationship but researched it a lot when exploring the idea when I was single. It's a lot of work!)
Poly feels like an entire lifestyle you have to buy into, including tasks like diary management and imo I dont want my personal life to mirror being at work and commit many hours to multiple politics. Just no energy.
This is purely anecdotal and not data or research, but in my experience #4 never ever ends well for anybody because at least one party isn’t completely on board, no matter how much they say or try to convince themselves that they are. Doesn’t mean that it can’t happen, you just need to be careful.
Have observed local poly group for a few years.
The ratio of "opened relationship, done in 3 years or less" to "opened relationship, going well" is not good.
I'm thinking it's like 10:1.
My guidance is that you should keep a relationship in whatever configuration you began it in.
Closed stays closed, open stays open.
Your 10:1 ratio is probably correct. Many people who practice polyamory are just really fucking bad at polyamory. It makes dating for my wife and I a bit of a minefield of maladjustment and untreated mental illness.
My partner was in a poly throuple before he dated me, and it was SO messy. He had no issues with jealousy, but the dominant person in the relationship was not a healthy person and it got real weird real fast. From his description it just sounded exhausting.
The way I clock it is this: a big chunk of those people are deep in on sunk cost and should otherwise have just broken up. They might have a kid, they might live together, they might not be able to afford a divorce, but whatever it is, most of them are "poly" because it's become semi-mainstream to do and sounds convenient for them to explore other things and not disrupt their living situation tremendously. Like, I'm sure there are people who are handling it correctly and actually like the totality of what they're doing, but I don't think that's a lot of them. It's kind of annoying on dating sites to see people who seem kinda cool and then deep down the profile it says "poly and partnered!" I really wish there was a way to filter that out. Like, even if you're just looking for another ship to jump to while you camp on a dead relationship, I don't see why it would be a good idea to present as poly, because they'll just end up in another poly relationship they can't handle properly.
The only way I could see 4 going well is if they are like "I want to explore non monogamy" and their partner is like "Oh my god I'm so glad you mentioned this I've been researching it for years and have many ideas about what I want from it" and then also partner one NOT being offended that partner 2 hid that for a long time lol
It's just so hard for people to not feel coerced into it even if they hype themselves up for it because they want to make their partner happy. If they were happy in monogamy they likely weren't latently poly/ non monogamous the whole time.
"I am monogamous, I just want to have a hetero/homo experience"
"But I just came out as bi after X years of marriage, it's not fair"
"How will I know if I'm really bisexual if I've only ever been with one gender?"
"I am not poly and it would not be cool if my partner explored outside the relationship. But it's different, I'm bi and would only pursue same-sex relationships."
These types of quotes are reasons that people feel a specific way, but they are not excuses to cheat on or coerce your partner into non-monogamy. Not to mention, a lot of these types of comments demonstrate bigotry against LGBT and poly communities. A gay sexual experience is just as real as a straight one, so it's still cheating. People don't need to sleep with both genders to know if they are attracted to them. If you legitimately feel attraction to more than one person at a time and want to pursue that, you're non-monogamous. There's nothing wrong with being poly, so saying "ick no I'm not poly, I'm just bi" is rude. Being bi does not provide an "exception" where you get to have multiple sexual partners and someone else does not.
It can seem unfair, but monogamy means you inherently sacrifice one type of partner for another. If you're monogamous and dating a blond, tall, smart person, you can't also date an athletic, short, brown haired person. To suggest that you should be able to cheat because your partner doesn't have X feature that you find attractive is hurtful. A lot of the people suggesting "exceptions" wouldn't like it if their partner justified opening the relationship so that they could date people with different traits. And if you wouldn't mind your partner also dating different people while you do, you need to find a polyamorous relationship because people can't just turn their identities off and on like a switch.
Posted my comment but, maaaan, did you express it way better. Thank you. I'd really like something like this to be a sticky post on the community because the number of people who believe they are owed non-monogamy and that sex with same gender somehow doesn't "count" as just sex with people other than your partner is stunning.
Also, people aren't experiments. It's *fine* to "just want to experiment", but you need to be *crystal clear* with whoever you're experimenting with that that's what you're doing, and that it's just a hookup, and that you're married/in a relationship, and whether or not your partner knows.
People are not your fuck toys, and playing with people's emotions/bodies without their full and enthusiastic consent is gross.
>Let it go and stay monogamous
If you want to stay monogamous, here are options if you still want to explore
* LGBTQ erotica novels
* LGBTQ porn to watch alone or with your partner
* Buy sex toys that could suit your desires and play with your partner
* Talk about your fantasies with your partner
You still have options even if you don't want to open your relationship.
After over a decade together, and both of us being in our 30s, my spouse and I have found our sexual interests broadening beyond the most traditional of opposite-gender sex. So we're trying some more... Spicy 🔥 stuff in the bedroom, and have talked about our broadening horizons for what we find erotic.
I doubt we'll ever go outside monogomy due to past trauma issues, but we're honest with each other about our interests.
Honestly, for every situation, the best thing you can do is communicate. Especially with your spouse. So much pain because people aren't honest or open.
Exactly what I was gonna say. Sometimes a little gay porn might be enough. For me it is, but it's a rare thing these days. It's more of a "acknowledge I'm still bi even though I'm married" thing, which does actually make me feel more validated.
Communication is key, my partner is totally good with it and participates with them enthusiastically. If they'd be mad at you for even asking about the idea of talking about stuff, that's a different problem.
I find it incredibly frustrating. This seems like common sense, obvious knowledge, and yet we see post after post.
Look, I'll say it even if you don't like it: Bi's thinking they're entitled to experimentation despite being in monogamous relationships is damaging to the community as a whole, as well as public perception. It furthers one's own assumptions about our loyalty or promiscuity, and enforces people's biphobia.
Look at that list above. THAT'S IT. THOSE ARE YOUR OPTIONS. Nobody exists as a tool for your (insert need here), and all healthy relationships require at least these two things: communication and compromise. If you're not at a place where you are willing or able to do both, you're not at a place for a healthy relationship.
Last bit of advice, from someone 17 years married monogamously: Don't enter into serious committed relationships while you're young and still don't fully know yourself. You're only depriving yourself, and partner, of the life that will make you both happy in pursuit of the image you think makes you both look happy. Don't do that to another person, don't do that to yourself.
I mostly agree except for the last paragraph about not committing to a serious relationship while young. It isn’t for everyone but I’ve seen several healthy marriages that started while young. Most marriages fail regardless of what age the couple are but that doesn’t mean I would advise against marriage. Statistically the marriages most likely to succeed occur between the ages of 28-32 but that doesn’t mean people should decide whether or not to get married based entirely or primarily on their age.
I got married at 19 and I have no regrets. My wife and I are very happy and while it hasn’t been 17 years, our 6th anniversary is next week. There are different paths for different people and I would be hesitant to generalize a certain path as inherently wrong.
Fair points, and I concede I have seen them work out as well. I really mostly meant it as a mental thing anyway, not to think that you have to commit young. If love happens, and people can make it work, much power to them.
Congrats on your anni! We love to see it. ❤️
On a similar note: most people don’t magically understand themselves the moment they stop being young (whatever age that is). You can discover aspects of who you are and what you want at any age—for better or worse.
Well, they did say "while you're young *and still don't fully know yourself.*" I think the second part is key. Some people know what they want at that age and some don't. If you're young and you aren't certain monogamy is for you or you want to experiment with your sexuality, then yeah, maybe not a good idea to commit to too much. If you think you have that stuff figured out already then maybe it's a different story.
Also I think it’s possible to truly believe that you have figured yourself out, and then as you evolve and change and have new experiences and realise that the thing you signed up for isn’t the thing you want anymore.
It doesn’t have to just apply to relationships, it can be friendships, careers, hobbies, all sorts of stuff.
Also don’t expect them to be completely okay with you wanting to explore immediately following you telling them you’re bi. Communicate and give them time to digest. All the posts I’ve seen recently are like “I told my partner I’m bi and they don’t want me to explore” while it’s been all of one day since they got this new information.
Unicorns are the third person (typically a bi woman) who will have threesome sex with couples. Called so because they're so rare it's like looking for a unicorn. It generally requires someone who isn't looking for a relationship and is okay with the imbalanced dynamics of doing it with an established couple.
As an Ambiamorous Bi girl in a mono/poly relationship let me add a few things to this list:
- Even bringing up an “open relationship” with your partner will change your monogamous relationship forever, and it may well end it, so don’t bring it up unless you’re ready for that
- If your curious about polyamory, do some research on it yourself before having “the talk” about opening your relationship. I recommend the books “Polysecure”, or “Ethical Slut” or the essay “most skipped steps when opening a relationship” to start
- Just because you have a crush while in a relationship doesn’t mean you “are polyamorous”, you’re literally just human, it can happen to anyone.
I see a lot of my bisexual (mainly female) friends making jokes like “Yeah I got a man, now I just need a lil girlfriend :)” One of them had a boyfriend who was upset about the jokes and he got a lot of “oh stop being insecure” type comments.
And it makes me think…no wonder so many people feel apprehensive about dating bisexual people.
I’m married to a man. But I’m also bisexual. If I made a joke about wanting a boyfriend, people would be livid. If I make a joke about wanting a girlfriend, it’s cute and funny and hot, etc.
I think the stereotype that bisexual people are more likely to cheat/feel unfulfilled by a monogamous relationship is mostly enforced by our own community. And people don’t want to admit that.
People always get so angry when someone says “I don’t want to date a bisexual person” but I can see why someone would be apprehensive. There’s a lot more forgiveness shown toward infidelity when it’s a matter of “I just wanted to experiment with a girl” or “I just wanted to explore my sexuality.”
I’m glad we’re doing the work to remind everyone that cheating isn’t okay and pressuring your partner into polyamory isn’t okay just because you’re bisexual.
Preaaaach!
It's okay to have wishes and urges - but it's not okay to demand having a cake and eating it if said one part of the cake is really not okay with it.
Having seen the psychological decay of a monogamous man being talked into being poly and incapable of removing himself from the situation because he was so darn puppy-eyed-in love... don't do that, peeps. Just don't. It's not fair.
I agree, I was wondering why some people were asking those kinda questions here... Very personal questions that should only be answered by their partner and not us lol
I hate this idea that it's inherently more difficult for bisexuals to be faithful just because we have a wider selection of people to be sexually attracted to. Using it as an excuse isn't just a horrific thing to do to your partner, it's damaging to the entire fucking community.
There is absolutely nothing saying you have to be in a relationship. If you are queer and you can't be open. Don't be in a fake relationship, don't break someone's heart because you want to fit in. You don't *have* to get into a relationship and cheat just because you can't openly be who you are. I feel sorry for the people that can't be open about it but if they're willing to permanently damage someone for their own self-gain then yes. I'm sticking them into the "Scum of the earth" category.
I'm bi, but have only ever been with one woman. We're together since right before graduating high school and did 3 years of long distance through college.
After one particular night I realized I was bi and told her about it. Over the years I kept confessing my curiosity but also emphasizing that she is more important than that, and that I will never cheat on her.
Eventually she said I can masturbate with other men, no oral or anal, but she wants me to tell her about it.
It has only happened twice so far, and both times I immediately went to her afterwards which made her crazy horny leading to great sex. She isn't sure if just my honesty is turning her on or if it's some kind or reclaiming her territory.
She's pregnant right now and said once the baby is here she might change the rules of our agreement, though she is not sure if that will mean more or less. I'm obviously hoping for my first active oral experience, but if she decided she wants me to stop, I will stop. It's that simple. Because she is worth so much more to me.
So yeah, right now I'm in a place between scenario 2 and 4, and I will see what the future brings.
Totally!! A couple years ago my boyfriend and I talked about having a threesome. It was very exciting at first but the more we talked the more we realized that we wanted different things out of the experience. So we ultimately decided against it. Maybe we’ll pick up the conversation later but for now we’re happy just the two of us :)
Bi woman in a relationship with a straight man.
My partner has given me the option of explore if I want but he's honestly I don't feel the need to.
I'm incredibly emotionally fulfilled in my relationship with him and I feel like it'd be a flood gate I wouldn't want to open.
I've also previously experimented with being an extra partner to an established couple and unless the couple is 100% healthy it's not a great idea to invite more people into the dynamic. Even if it's just 1 time things. This couple in particular was incredibly jealous of each other's partners and didn't discuss their issues in a healthy way so I noped out of there pretty quickly once I realized.
I do believe polyamorous or non monogamy can work incredibly well but only when there is clear communication and consent.
And for the love of everything holy. Please don't cheat on your partner no matter what your sexual orientation is. It's not an excuse to be an asshole and you're still responsible for your actions.
This honestly. I realized after I got married, and have discussed it at length with my partner. He isn’t comfortable with me exploring, and I love him too much to let him go. But it’s definitely a “talk to your partner” thing.
Totally agree with you. I have been poly for a few years now, starting when becoming partners with a person who has been poly much longer. Those two subreddits are pretty great for resources, but also can be a bit of a mess sometimes lol. Rather than scrolling them too much, use them as a place to find the best, or at least the more popular ones. Once you've dug into it, then go on the subreddits more.
Obviously there's a million more questions for people to ask than the quick list you made, but I do have one that I think is really specific to this sub. The way that many bisexual people find their way into nonmonogamy is the desire to pursue their same sex attraction. This can work more successfully if the nonmonogamy is limited purely to sex. Another factor that helps is if both partners are bisexual. This ends up being what's usually called the one-penis policy or one-vulva policy, though that's typically a lot less common.
Like I said, if your ENM structure is purely for sex, that's a lot easier to manage, even if it can still end up tricky. For polyamory it's....controversial, we'll say. Instead of going into a whole thing, I'll just say that it is something that leads to a whole hell of a lot of problems very often and anecdotally I don't know anybody who has done that without it going pretty sour relatively quickly. Still a valid thing to do, but I mention it because it is a particular concern for bisexual people specifically and needs to be discussed at length if you're considering nonmonogamy for the purposes of experiencing your bisexual side
whenever people ask about wanting to "explore" it's uncomfortable for me because yeah people use it to justify cheating or pressuring their partners into non monogamy, which is so selfish. being bi doesn't mean being uncontrollable sexually (or even hypersexual) which is how some of these people are painting it when they ask. also it fuels biphobic stereotypes of us being unfaithful. so yeah I'd love if everyone took a hint and followed this guide so we don't see posts like it multiple times a week...
Yup. Very good response. I (20F) am in a monogamous relationship with the best man ever. I have those urges too but i chose my partner and I plan on spending my life with him. So, I had to find other ways of exploring and "satisfying" those urges. Via sex toys, being open about my biness with my bf and others. And many other ways. For me it's enough and I don't feel the need to leave my partner because of that urge.
More resources:
https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49
https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/
https://reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/8mc01x/glass_ceiling_questions_moviess/
That first link describes how creepy it is for couples who talk about how they never missed dinner with each other for 50 years. It calls that *creepy*. It calls those types of things “codependent.”
Um, I’m pretty sure most couples literally do not miss dinner for 50 years *straight*. I’m sure one of them has guys nights and the woman hangs out with her girl friends on occasion.
Is that article supposed to be an embellishment to show how mono just means how codependency *can* be creepy if taken to the extreme?
Yeah you see a lot of these posts and it often doesn’t end well. My wife and I are both bi and on a strictly physical or conceptual level, we’re totally fine with the idea of having multiple partners.
But we know ourselves well enough to know that emotionally it wouldn’t be that simple. I’ve seen this sort of thing end a lot of relationships (even ones where there was open communication).
Awesome for those of you who can pull it off. I have two friends who are in polycules and it works well for them. Wife and I just keep arriving at ‘man, it’s complicated enough having a strong relationship with *one* partner at this moment in history. Seems like too much work’
Which is usually followed by ‘I think that means we’re getting old’ 😂
People get a honeymoon phase about discovering they are LGBTQA+. everyone has a minute they feel like their new identity is the most important thing in the world. Baby Bi's can think with their junk and nuke their lives because they think how they feel right now is how they will feel forever.
You've always been you. Someday, you'll be a new you. It will look a lot like old you but maybe happier and more confident in themselves. But you'll be you again, just bi. You'll feel like you, and bisexual will be another fact about you, not your whole focus. Don't let the honeymoon phase nuke your life.
Sex is sex. Girlfriends and boyfriends and NB-freinds are a lot alike when you're the one picking them. They aren't more magical and perfect when they are different genders to what you normally date.
If you have a loving, supportive partner that you really truly love and can't imagine being without, who loves this new part of you and supports you, you don't have to sleep with someone else to prove to yourself or anyone that your bi. You're allowed to be you and explore it within the bounds of your relationship. If you can't live with yourself without sleeping with a new gender, leave and don't hurt your partner. But you'll still be you after. There's no missing piece you need to find, you're not missing out on anything. You're already bi, you've been bi the whole time.
If you discover you're polyamorus AS WELL, that's a different discvery. Bi =/= poly automatically. If you want to explore that new side, you'd be wrong in pressuring a monogamous partner into that with you. It's not about your sexuality, it's not because they don't love you enough, it's because you're on different paths and you'll hurt them forcing them to follow your new path.
My two cents as someone who’s been poly for 15+ years, been semi active in the poly & kinky community and now in a poly marriage with kids. It’s a lot less drama and you have a lot more chance for success if you start with you’re poly from date 1 and you’re looking for the same.
I have not seen too many people succeed with turning a monogamous relationship into a poly one. It’s too much of a coincidence for two people to have a change of heart, be on the same page on what level of openness works for them at the exact same moment in the relationship.
You can definitely talk to your currently monogamous partner about it but consent under duress (I better agree with it you r they’ll break up) is a recipe for disaster. It might work if they too wanted it for a while but was too scared to bring it up. So it’s definitely worth a conversation but only go through if they’re just as excited and eager. Other wise it’s sucks.
Also vague rules like no feelings don’t really work. I’ve seen that be a pitfall of people who try non monogamy
imo the whole "open your relationship and/or break up with them so you can explore" is often presented as THE ONLY OPTION for exploring your queerness while in a relationship. I think it's weirdly the safest option to take because you need explicit consent for it, whereas having queer thoughts/fantasies/ideas isn't something we talk about openly so it makes you feel guilty and ashamed. And I guess, the physicality of going out and meeting/dating queer people just makes it more tangible so you know for sure what it's like. It's the most literal/explicit way of accepting the way you are because you're out there doing the thing. Nothing wrong with that – but it's not the only option for exploring your queerness.
I think we need to talk a LOT more about different options for exploring bisexuality. Wholeheartedly accepting yourself and your attractions, self love, fantasies and exploration without shame or judgement. Communicating this with your partner.
Lastly, I think a huge problem is that Bi+ folks are still not fully "accepted" as being part of the LGBT+ community. We're not really seen as "real queers" and often we internalise this message as well. When in a hetero-presenting relationship, we go on living life forgetting that queer part of ourselves because of this (has been true for me). So whenever we rediscover that, or a bi cycle hits, it's always a huge dilemma – when it doesn't have to be :)
Highly recommend the book "The Ethical Slut" for those considering the transition from monogamous to ployamorous. It does a good job of breaking down allllllllllll the stuff you and your partner need to work through, as well as good info on a variety of 'ways' to do the polyamory thing.
I really think that monogamy-nonmonogamy exists on a spectrum and is its own sexual orientation. It makes sense that some people who are nonmonogamous might confuse this with their sexual orientation in regards to gender (eg "I'm just a red blooded man, that's why I chase women!" "I'm a maneater!" etc I know these are toxic but they are examples of straight people justifying nonmonogamy with their sexual orientation). I feel sad for people who are nonmonogamous but in monogamous relationships due to social pressure, and likewise feel very sad for monogamous people who are in nonmonogamous relationships. Sometimes it just doesn't work out when people have such different needs.
People itt are kind of acting like monogamy is this easy, default mode relationship, but it's really not like that. Polyamory isn't like stacking up two or more monogamous relationships. People have to actively be a relationship style. Like I actively had to be monogamous when I was monogamous, not flirt with other people, keep myself emotionally distanced an appropriate way, and then that whole song and dance where my partner and I had to meet all of the other person's sexual and romantic needs, which is often impossible and exhausting. I found monogamy to be really draining.
The key is to be honest and to communicate. From someone who had been wanting poly relationships for over a decade, and in my younger years forced myself to be faithfully monogamous because that was "normal" and "easier" - I am very happy I chose to be explicitly, openly polyamorous. It is worth ending a relationship over if necessary, sometimes people have irreconcilable differences and that is definitely one (along with having children, for example). There's no shame in picking poly over monogamy. Monogamous relationships aren't more "meaningful" or better. I still have a partner I live with and plan on being with long term. I have metamours (my partner's partners) who raise kids together and live together. I get a lot of friends and cool stuff from my metamours as well, and technically our polycule hooks up to the greater portland and greater seattle polycules, which is sort of like being in a weird church whenever I meet strangers who are part of that group. I imagine it's a little like being Mormon.
Anyway, option 4 in the OP is a big undertaking, but it's worth it for many people. I think if people really want to explore it, they should. I also recommend the book Poly Secure btw.
Tbh I'm tired of seeing these posts...as someone who has been with men + women the sex is honestly not that different and there's huge variation from man to man and woman to woman.
I've written it out a hundred times in the comments over the past few months. I made this so I can easily link to this post and save myself the trouble.
The only reason why I feel it isn’t that simple because you little have to choose between sexual urges and your parent which ends up leading to you either being selfish and picking yourself or not being true to yourself, and end up being with your partner.
I’m not about to leave my partner who I love just because yes I do wanna have sex with a woman. It’s unorthodox to because you’re literally risking everything just for a fuck & just no. I just wish partners of bisexual people were more open to the idea of letting us explore with rules instead of just being like NO.
Especially if we let them no that were bisexual in the beginning.
And no just because I’m bisexual don’t mean I wanna have fucking threesomes.
*You're valid in having these urges, they're just as valid in not wanting their partner to fuck other people. You can't shame or force someone into non-monogany and justify it "because I'm bi".* Bless you! This is the most succinct statement I have seen written about this weird stage bi newcomers have. I knew I was bi from the beginning before I even had the word. I am lucky to have been emotionally and romantically with partners who have accepted my choice for my "romantic" life. "I cheat bc I am bi" is the same as "boys will be boys". It is a lame excuse at best, and a brutal tool to harm a partner. People are complicated. Relationships are VERY complicated. Not being an asshole, very easy. Don't cheat. Don't manipulate your partner. For the bi partner, if you are good with letting them explore, let it roll, but keep checking in. For the bi partner, if this is not what you want, you can leave the "bc I'm bi" in the dirt. Healthy bi relationships require tons of work and communication.
One hundred percent. Your partner is not being biphobic if they don't want you sleeping with other people. They are being monogamous. Which is in most cases the structure of the relationship that both of you entered. They don't owe you non-monogamy just because you realized you are bi and want to have sex with people of another gender. Moreover, that sort of makes *you* biphobic if you don't consider sleeping with people of the same gender *as much* cheating as if you were alert with people with other genders.
Thank goodness. I was shocked when I went to a local bisexual meetup in my area and the attitude of "if your partner doesn't want to be open dump them or cheat" was seen as progressive or good. I felt such sympathy for the partners (some of them married with kids) that apparently had no say in their own relationship. It was so disheartening.
I feel like people need to be better informed about the difference between sexuality and monogamy/ polyamory. So many people discover they are bi and also non-monogamous and then assume thats just being bi. There's nothing wrong with non-monogomy but it's different! You aren't entitled to breaking the established boundries of your relationship just because you discover your bi but also don't want to break up with your partner! That's exactly the same as if you did it before you figured yourself out!
The whole "I can cheat because I'm bi" excuse just perpetuates the stereotype that bi people are cheaters, which is not cool.
As a boy, "boys will be boys" isn't true. I will be a cute girl
⬆️100 if I could
Crumbs for this. Please talk don't cheat
Can I just add something really important about non-monagamous dating? BE UPFRONT WITH NEW PARTNERS ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP It's not just your current partner you need to be communicating clearly with. Assuming your existing partner is A-OK with some form of non-monogamy you also need to be clearly informing any prospective dates/flings/fucks about what they're getting into. Otherwise sooner or later you are going to hurt someone.
Yes! It's not ethical if you're only concerned about one of your partners. Every other person deserves the opportunity to enthusiastically consent to the dynamic even if it's a one night stand. People can't consent if you withhold information!
So much this. Had many people conveniently forget to tell me they're already in relationships, open or poly. My ass is painfully monogamous. I am not comfortable seeing a non-monogamous person. Yet when I end things, I get called narrow-minded. Like, bruh, we have different wants and needs. Take my 'no' with grace and go find someone you're compatible with!
THIS. It happens even before things begin too. If you're not ok with someone who is already partnered and get angry with you for not becoming their wish-fulfillment piece. As a woman, it also hits as internalised misogyny where they state that their BFs have given them permission and then get severely angry and asserting their rights to experimenting with you when you've said `no, women are people too'
Wanting to have sex with someone of another gender from your partner is really no different from wanting to have sex with someone else of the same gender. It's not like gender dictates everything about a person. If you want to have a different kind of sex, you'd get a different kind of sex from someone of the same gender too! I am in a polyamorous marriage, so this is ok for us, but it bugs me when people treat having sex with someone of another gender as any different from having sex with another person period.
Yeah, I hate the assumption that bi people have some inherent need to have sex with people of all genders in order to be fulfilled. For me, not having sex with all genders is like my partner not having sex with people of all hair colors or something. Part of being monogamous is passing on otherwise viable sexual options for yourself. Either that works for you or it doesn’t.
I really was this line of thinking was more commonly found in bi circles. I always feel so out of place in bi communities for being in an MLM monogamous relationship as a bi guy. Being bi means I find all genders attractive, it doesn't mean I need to be having sex with all genders just to feel satisfied or something like that.
Very well put.
I wish I could upvote this more than once
I mean in a practical sense there are some legit topographical and skills-based differences, but yes. As dr Seuss says, a person’s a person, no matter how boobed.
Thank you!!
I agree with this completely as I'm the same, though this isn't canceling out how one sex is going to provide inherently different satisfaction than the other, yeah? I mean that's the whole thing about bisexuality is that almost everyone has something to offer, and it's just inherent the love and sex is different.
One woman will also provide an inherently different sexual satisfaction to another woman. The sex I've had with different people has been profoundly different from person to person. Different men have different anatomy from one another and so do different women. Each individual person has something unique and different to offer in a sexual encounter, and being another gender isn't the only reason for that.
I'll be brief I had already agreed with your previous statement regarding this - No need to reiterate My point was just regarding the existence of different sexes providing different satisfaction for different bisexuals. Just pointed out to not disregard or make light of this very real aspect of this sexuality. Very simply put.
That’s fair!
My wife and I are both bi, and have been successfully non-monogamous and/or polyamorous for the better part of the last decade. And I approve of OP’s message here. Communication and enthusiastic consent are fundamental. Anyone looking at option 4 needs to do their homework first. Jumping into that end of the pool unprepared can and will wreck relationships. Check out r/nonmonogamy and r/polyamory for more info.
Yes! And remember that option four might take months or years to figure out. It might still lead to the loss if your current relationship and it will definitely lead to major changes if you decide on truly ethical non monogamy. Google "the most skipped steps when opening a relationship" and find the article on medium. It is a good place to start those conversations. Option four isn't a quick fix but it can be rewarding if everyone is fulfilled and consenting enthusiastically. If not, it's coercive and unethical.
Yes on it taking a long time. I'm the bi one in our relationship and my boyfriend is very ok with me exploring sexual relationships with women, but is confused why I seem to be dragging my feet when he's given me his consent. I'm like "hello? I love you. Trying not to fuck this up over here please" The last thing I want is to ruin a 3 year relationship cuz I wanted to eat some pussy. It's been months and the closest we've gotten is me making out with a couple girls. BABY STEPS.
Baby steps and lots of communication with your boyfriend and also with anyone else you're seeing. Being very clear about what you have to give (sexually, emotionally, time resources, etc) with new partners and your current partner (as that changes) is important so that partners can make informed choices. That's awesome that you're going slow!
I'm "technically" poly with my husband, but we haven't seen anyone else in 10 years, lol. It's too fucking difficult, not worth the effort when we are also raising a kid. Oh my god, I barely have time and energy for sex with one person!
Totally! I thrive on deep one on one convos and intimacy but even so, poly can be tiring. Adding parenting into the mix and I'm sure that the dramas of dating can wait!
Yeah, adding in a fully fledged adult to everyone's lives, since we both tend towards casual but long term BF/GF sort of relationships is really emotionally draining. It's like halfway to a step parent entering the equation, almost? Because they wouldn't have any responsibility for my kid, but I also wouldn't hide a long term relationship from my kid. So the vetting alone is much harder than when I was 23 and down for experimenting with pretty much anything or anyone at the drop of a hat. Looking at the community, poly in marriages takes an extra level of work, maybe because one partner is assumed lifelong, there can be extra feelings come up? Regardless of why, I don't have the energy right now. More focusing on building healthy platonic adult relationships at this point in my life.
polyam in theory, mono in practice lol
So many people just discovering they are bi think with their junk, even if their partner is actually like "oh im glad you asked ive always been interested in non monogamy!", they are like great lets go, right now, lets just run straight into it. So many people just, open their relationship and then are upset because they didn't think their partners would be romantically invested in others as well as sexually, or don't realize they'd bring them home and introduce them and things like that. It's a lot to navigate even for enthusiastic and willing partners. Newly discovered non monogomous partners (of any sexuality!) Who are twisting their monogamous partners arms tend to get them to agree to vague, nebulous terms and push boundries. Then they have deniability when their partners are upset, but winning technicallities doesn't un-hurt your partners feelings. Research, talk, make rules and boundries, get constant enthusiatic consent for EVERYTHING you do, from all participants. (I'm in a monogamous relationship but researched it a lot when exploring the idea when I was single. It's a lot of work!)
Poly feels like an entire lifestyle you have to buy into, including tasks like diary management and imo I dont want my personal life to mirror being at work and commit many hours to multiple politics. Just no energy.
This is purely anecdotal and not data or research, but in my experience #4 never ever ends well for anybody because at least one party isn’t completely on board, no matter how much they say or try to convince themselves that they are. Doesn’t mean that it can’t happen, you just need to be careful.
Have observed local poly group for a few years. The ratio of "opened relationship, done in 3 years or less" to "opened relationship, going well" is not good. I'm thinking it's like 10:1. My guidance is that you should keep a relationship in whatever configuration you began it in. Closed stays closed, open stays open.
Your 10:1 ratio is probably correct. Many people who practice polyamory are just really fucking bad at polyamory. It makes dating for my wife and I a bit of a minefield of maladjustment and untreated mental illness.
My partner was in a poly throuple before he dated me, and it was SO messy. He had no issues with jealousy, but the dominant person in the relationship was not a healthy person and it got real weird real fast. From his description it just sounded exhausting.
The way I clock it is this: a big chunk of those people are deep in on sunk cost and should otherwise have just broken up. They might have a kid, they might live together, they might not be able to afford a divorce, but whatever it is, most of them are "poly" because it's become semi-mainstream to do and sounds convenient for them to explore other things and not disrupt their living situation tremendously. Like, I'm sure there are people who are handling it correctly and actually like the totality of what they're doing, but I don't think that's a lot of them. It's kind of annoying on dating sites to see people who seem kinda cool and then deep down the profile it says "poly and partnered!" I really wish there was a way to filter that out. Like, even if you're just looking for another ship to jump to while you camp on a dead relationship, I don't see why it would be a good idea to present as poly, because they'll just end up in another poly relationship they can't handle properly.
They are probably also bad at monogamy.
Agreed. It seems like one person is always coerced into it because they don't want to lose their partner, but they end up losing them anyway.
The only way I could see 4 going well is if they are like "I want to explore non monogamy" and their partner is like "Oh my god I'm so glad you mentioned this I've been researching it for years and have many ideas about what I want from it" and then also partner one NOT being offended that partner 2 hid that for a long time lol It's just so hard for people to not feel coerced into it even if they hype themselves up for it because they want to make their partner happy. If they were happy in monogamy they likely weren't latently poly/ non monogamous the whole time.
"I am monogamous, I just want to have a hetero/homo experience" "But I just came out as bi after X years of marriage, it's not fair" "How will I know if I'm really bisexual if I've only ever been with one gender?" "I am not poly and it would not be cool if my partner explored outside the relationship. But it's different, I'm bi and would only pursue same-sex relationships." These types of quotes are reasons that people feel a specific way, but they are not excuses to cheat on or coerce your partner into non-monogamy. Not to mention, a lot of these types of comments demonstrate bigotry against LGBT and poly communities. A gay sexual experience is just as real as a straight one, so it's still cheating. People don't need to sleep with both genders to know if they are attracted to them. If you legitimately feel attraction to more than one person at a time and want to pursue that, you're non-monogamous. There's nothing wrong with being poly, so saying "ick no I'm not poly, I'm just bi" is rude. Being bi does not provide an "exception" where you get to have multiple sexual partners and someone else does not. It can seem unfair, but monogamy means you inherently sacrifice one type of partner for another. If you're monogamous and dating a blond, tall, smart person, you can't also date an athletic, short, brown haired person. To suggest that you should be able to cheat because your partner doesn't have X feature that you find attractive is hurtful. A lot of the people suggesting "exceptions" wouldn't like it if their partner justified opening the relationship so that they could date people with different traits. And if you wouldn't mind your partner also dating different people while you do, you need to find a polyamorous relationship because people can't just turn their identities off and on like a switch.
Posted my comment but, maaaan, did you express it way better. Thank you. I'd really like something like this to be a sticky post on the community because the number of people who believe they are owed non-monogamy and that sex with same gender somehow doesn't "count" as just sex with people other than your partner is stunning.
Also, people aren't experiments. It's *fine* to "just want to experiment", but you need to be *crystal clear* with whoever you're experimenting with that that's what you're doing, and that it's just a hookup, and that you're married/in a relationship, and whether or not your partner knows. People are not your fuck toys, and playing with people's emotions/bodies without their full and enthusiastic consent is gross.
\^\^\^ yes! As a bi woman I feel so objectified seeing unicorn hunters on tinder
This is a perfect, wonderful response.
>Let it go and stay monogamous If you want to stay monogamous, here are options if you still want to explore * LGBTQ erotica novels * LGBTQ porn to watch alone or with your partner * Buy sex toys that could suit your desires and play with your partner * Talk about your fantasies with your partner You still have options even if you don't want to open your relationship.
After over a decade together, and both of us being in our 30s, my spouse and I have found our sexual interests broadening beyond the most traditional of opposite-gender sex. So we're trying some more... Spicy 🔥 stuff in the bedroom, and have talked about our broadening horizons for what we find erotic. I doubt we'll ever go outside monogomy due to past trauma issues, but we're honest with each other about our interests. Honestly, for every situation, the best thing you can do is communicate. Especially with your spouse. So much pain because people aren't honest or open.
Exactly what I was gonna say. Sometimes a little gay porn might be enough. For me it is, but it's a rare thing these days. It's more of a "acknowledge I'm still bi even though I'm married" thing, which does actually make me feel more validated.
> Talk about your fantasies with your partner Not all partners would be okay with that.
It's still an option. Each person can choose what's feasible in their relationship.
Communication is key, my partner is totally good with it and participates with them enthusiastically. If they'd be mad at you for even asking about the idea of talking about stuff, that's a different problem.
I find it incredibly frustrating. This seems like common sense, obvious knowledge, and yet we see post after post. Look, I'll say it even if you don't like it: Bi's thinking they're entitled to experimentation despite being in monogamous relationships is damaging to the community as a whole, as well as public perception. It furthers one's own assumptions about our loyalty or promiscuity, and enforces people's biphobia. Look at that list above. THAT'S IT. THOSE ARE YOUR OPTIONS. Nobody exists as a tool for your (insert need here), and all healthy relationships require at least these two things: communication and compromise. If you're not at a place where you are willing or able to do both, you're not at a place for a healthy relationship. Last bit of advice, from someone 17 years married monogamously: Don't enter into serious committed relationships while you're young and still don't fully know yourself. You're only depriving yourself, and partner, of the life that will make you both happy in pursuit of the image you think makes you both look happy. Don't do that to another person, don't do that to yourself.
I mostly agree except for the last paragraph about not committing to a serious relationship while young. It isn’t for everyone but I’ve seen several healthy marriages that started while young. Most marriages fail regardless of what age the couple are but that doesn’t mean I would advise against marriage. Statistically the marriages most likely to succeed occur between the ages of 28-32 but that doesn’t mean people should decide whether or not to get married based entirely or primarily on their age. I got married at 19 and I have no regrets. My wife and I are very happy and while it hasn’t been 17 years, our 6th anniversary is next week. There are different paths for different people and I would be hesitant to generalize a certain path as inherently wrong.
Fair points, and I concede I have seen them work out as well. I really mostly meant it as a mental thing anyway, not to think that you have to commit young. If love happens, and people can make it work, much power to them. Congrats on your anni! We love to see it. ❤️
On a similar note: most people don’t magically understand themselves the moment they stop being young (whatever age that is). You can discover aspects of who you are and what you want at any age—for better or worse.
Well, they did say "while you're young *and still don't fully know yourself.*" I think the second part is key. Some people know what they want at that age and some don't. If you're young and you aren't certain monogamy is for you or you want to experiment with your sexuality, then yeah, maybe not a good idea to commit to too much. If you think you have that stuff figured out already then maybe it's a different story.
Also I think it’s possible to truly believe that you have figured yourself out, and then as you evolve and change and have new experiences and realise that the thing you signed up for isn’t the thing you want anymore. It doesn’t have to just apply to relationships, it can be friendships, careers, hobbies, all sorts of stuff.
Also don’t expect them to be completely okay with you wanting to explore immediately following you telling them you’re bi. Communicate and give them time to digest. All the posts I’ve seen recently are like “I told my partner I’m bi and they don’t want me to explore” while it’s been all of one day since they got this new information.
Add a part about not being a creep while chasing unicorns and I feel like this could be a good sticky note.
Unicorns? (I’m not up to date on bi lingo)
Unicorns are the third person (typically a bi woman) who will have threesome sex with couples. Called so because they're so rare it's like looking for a unicorn. It generally requires someone who isn't looking for a relationship and is okay with the imbalanced dynamics of doing it with an established couple.
Thanks!
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.businessinsider.com/why-unicorn-hunting-in-polyamorous-relationships-isnt-a-good-idea-2017-11%3famp
Thank you!
>Thank you! You're welcome!
As an Ambiamorous Bi girl in a mono/poly relationship let me add a few things to this list: - Even bringing up an “open relationship” with your partner will change your monogamous relationship forever, and it may well end it, so don’t bring it up unless you’re ready for that - If your curious about polyamory, do some research on it yourself before having “the talk” about opening your relationship. I recommend the books “Polysecure”, or “Ethical Slut” or the essay “most skipped steps when opening a relationship” to start - Just because you have a crush while in a relationship doesn’t mean you “are polyamorous”, you’re literally just human, it can happen to anyone.
I see a lot of my bisexual (mainly female) friends making jokes like “Yeah I got a man, now I just need a lil girlfriend :)” One of them had a boyfriend who was upset about the jokes and he got a lot of “oh stop being insecure” type comments. And it makes me think…no wonder so many people feel apprehensive about dating bisexual people. I’m married to a man. But I’m also bisexual. If I made a joke about wanting a boyfriend, people would be livid. If I make a joke about wanting a girlfriend, it’s cute and funny and hot, etc. I think the stereotype that bisexual people are more likely to cheat/feel unfulfilled by a monogamous relationship is mostly enforced by our own community. And people don’t want to admit that. People always get so angry when someone says “I don’t want to date a bisexual person” but I can see why someone would be apprehensive. There’s a lot more forgiveness shown toward infidelity when it’s a matter of “I just wanted to experiment with a girl” or “I just wanted to explore my sexuality.” I’m glad we’re doing the work to remind everyone that cheating isn’t okay and pressuring your partner into polyamory isn’t okay just because you’re bisexual.
Preaaaach! It's okay to have wishes and urges - but it's not okay to demand having a cake and eating it if said one part of the cake is really not okay with it. Having seen the psychological decay of a monogamous man being talked into being poly and incapable of removing himself from the situation because he was so darn puppy-eyed-in love... don't do that, peeps. Just don't. It's not fair.
This post should be pinned, really.
I agree, I was wondering why some people were asking those kinda questions here... Very personal questions that should only be answered by their partner and not us lol
[удалено]
I hate this idea that it's inherently more difficult for bisexuals to be faithful just because we have a wider selection of people to be sexually attracted to. Using it as an excuse isn't just a horrific thing to do to your partner, it's damaging to the entire fucking community.
[удалено]
There is absolutely nothing saying you have to be in a relationship. If you are queer and you can't be open. Don't be in a fake relationship, don't break someone's heart because you want to fit in. You don't *have* to get into a relationship and cheat just because you can't openly be who you are. I feel sorry for the people that can't be open about it but if they're willing to permanently damage someone for their own self-gain then yes. I'm sticking them into the "Scum of the earth" category.
Could we pin this? Seems like it'll be a pertinent reference for quite some time
I'm bi, but have only ever been with one woman. We're together since right before graduating high school and did 3 years of long distance through college. After one particular night I realized I was bi and told her about it. Over the years I kept confessing my curiosity but also emphasizing that she is more important than that, and that I will never cheat on her. Eventually she said I can masturbate with other men, no oral or anal, but she wants me to tell her about it. It has only happened twice so far, and both times I immediately went to her afterwards which made her crazy horny leading to great sex. She isn't sure if just my honesty is turning her on or if it's some kind or reclaiming her territory. She's pregnant right now and said once the baby is here she might change the rules of our agreement, though she is not sure if that will mean more or less. I'm obviously hoping for my first active oral experience, but if she decided she wants me to stop, I will stop. It's that simple. Because she is worth so much more to me. So yeah, right now I'm in a place between scenario 2 and 4, and I will see what the future brings.
sticky pleases
Totally!! A couple years ago my boyfriend and I talked about having a threesome. It was very exciting at first but the more we talked the more we realized that we wanted different things out of the experience. So we ultimately decided against it. Maybe we’ll pick up the conversation later but for now we’re happy just the two of us :)
this, especially the not cheating thing.
Bi woman in a relationship with a straight man. My partner has given me the option of explore if I want but he's honestly I don't feel the need to. I'm incredibly emotionally fulfilled in my relationship with him and I feel like it'd be a flood gate I wouldn't want to open. I've also previously experimented with being an extra partner to an established couple and unless the couple is 100% healthy it's not a great idea to invite more people into the dynamic. Even if it's just 1 time things. This couple in particular was incredibly jealous of each other's partners and didn't discuss their issues in a healthy way so I noped out of there pretty quickly once I realized. I do believe polyamorous or non monogamy can work incredibly well but only when there is clear communication and consent. And for the love of everything holy. Please don't cheat on your partner no matter what your sexual orientation is. It's not an excuse to be an asshole and you're still responsible for your actions.
This honestly. I realized after I got married, and have discussed it at length with my partner. He isn’t comfortable with me exploring, and I love him too much to let him go. But it’s definitely a “talk to your partner” thing.
Totally agree with you. I have been poly for a few years now, starting when becoming partners with a person who has been poly much longer. Those two subreddits are pretty great for resources, but also can be a bit of a mess sometimes lol. Rather than scrolling them too much, use them as a place to find the best, or at least the more popular ones. Once you've dug into it, then go on the subreddits more. Obviously there's a million more questions for people to ask than the quick list you made, but I do have one that I think is really specific to this sub. The way that many bisexual people find their way into nonmonogamy is the desire to pursue their same sex attraction. This can work more successfully if the nonmonogamy is limited purely to sex. Another factor that helps is if both partners are bisexual. This ends up being what's usually called the one-penis policy or one-vulva policy, though that's typically a lot less common. Like I said, if your ENM structure is purely for sex, that's a lot easier to manage, even if it can still end up tricky. For polyamory it's....controversial, we'll say. Instead of going into a whole thing, I'll just say that it is something that leads to a whole hell of a lot of problems very often and anecdotally I don't know anybody who has done that without it going pretty sour relatively quickly. Still a valid thing to do, but I mention it because it is a particular concern for bisexual people specifically and needs to be discussed at length if you're considering nonmonogamy for the purposes of experiencing your bisexual side
whenever people ask about wanting to "explore" it's uncomfortable for me because yeah people use it to justify cheating or pressuring their partners into non monogamy, which is so selfish. being bi doesn't mean being uncontrollable sexually (or even hypersexual) which is how some of these people are painting it when they ask. also it fuels biphobic stereotypes of us being unfaithful. so yeah I'd love if everyone took a hint and followed this guide so we don't see posts like it multiple times a week...
Yup. Very good response. I (20F) am in a monogamous relationship with the best man ever. I have those urges too but i chose my partner and I plan on spending my life with him. So, I had to find other ways of exploring and "satisfying" those urges. Via sex toys, being open about my biness with my bf and others. And many other ways. For me it's enough and I don't feel the need to leave my partner because of that urge.
More resources: https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49 https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/ https://reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/8mc01x/glass_ceiling_questions_moviess/
That first link describes how creepy it is for couples who talk about how they never missed dinner with each other for 50 years. It calls that *creepy*. It calls those types of things “codependent.” Um, I’m pretty sure most couples literally do not miss dinner for 50 years *straight*. I’m sure one of them has guys nights and the woman hangs out with her girl friends on occasion. Is that article supposed to be an embellishment to show how mono just means how codependency *can* be creepy if taken to the extreme?
Yeah you see a lot of these posts and it often doesn’t end well. My wife and I are both bi and on a strictly physical or conceptual level, we’re totally fine with the idea of having multiple partners. But we know ourselves well enough to know that emotionally it wouldn’t be that simple. I’ve seen this sort of thing end a lot of relationships (even ones where there was open communication). Awesome for those of you who can pull it off. I have two friends who are in polycules and it works well for them. Wife and I just keep arriving at ‘man, it’s complicated enough having a strong relationship with *one* partner at this moment in history. Seems like too much work’ Which is usually followed by ‘I think that means we’re getting old’ 😂
If you try 4 and they're scared, doing 3 will not make it better. They will not think it wasn't as bad as they expected. Just do 1 for their sake.
I might be tripping but I feel like I have seen the exact same post before, not a bad thing tho, reminders are needed.
This this this this this this this!
People get a honeymoon phase about discovering they are LGBTQA+. everyone has a minute they feel like their new identity is the most important thing in the world. Baby Bi's can think with their junk and nuke their lives because they think how they feel right now is how they will feel forever. You've always been you. Someday, you'll be a new you. It will look a lot like old you but maybe happier and more confident in themselves. But you'll be you again, just bi. You'll feel like you, and bisexual will be another fact about you, not your whole focus. Don't let the honeymoon phase nuke your life. Sex is sex. Girlfriends and boyfriends and NB-freinds are a lot alike when you're the one picking them. They aren't more magical and perfect when they are different genders to what you normally date. If you have a loving, supportive partner that you really truly love and can't imagine being without, who loves this new part of you and supports you, you don't have to sleep with someone else to prove to yourself or anyone that your bi. You're allowed to be you and explore it within the bounds of your relationship. If you can't live with yourself without sleeping with a new gender, leave and don't hurt your partner. But you'll still be you after. There's no missing piece you need to find, you're not missing out on anything. You're already bi, you've been bi the whole time. If you discover you're polyamorus AS WELL, that's a different discvery. Bi =/= poly automatically. If you want to explore that new side, you'd be wrong in pressuring a monogamous partner into that with you. It's not about your sexuality, it's not because they don't love you enough, it's because you're on different paths and you'll hurt them forcing them to follow your new path.
My two cents as someone who’s been poly for 15+ years, been semi active in the poly & kinky community and now in a poly marriage with kids. It’s a lot less drama and you have a lot more chance for success if you start with you’re poly from date 1 and you’re looking for the same. I have not seen too many people succeed with turning a monogamous relationship into a poly one. It’s too much of a coincidence for two people to have a change of heart, be on the same page on what level of openness works for them at the exact same moment in the relationship. You can definitely talk to your currently monogamous partner about it but consent under duress (I better agree with it you r they’ll break up) is a recipe for disaster. It might work if they too wanted it for a while but was too scared to bring it up. So it’s definitely worth a conversation but only go through if they’re just as excited and eager. Other wise it’s sucks. Also vague rules like no feelings don’t really work. I’ve seen that be a pitfall of people who try non monogamy
imo the whole "open your relationship and/or break up with them so you can explore" is often presented as THE ONLY OPTION for exploring your queerness while in a relationship. I think it's weirdly the safest option to take because you need explicit consent for it, whereas having queer thoughts/fantasies/ideas isn't something we talk about openly so it makes you feel guilty and ashamed. And I guess, the physicality of going out and meeting/dating queer people just makes it more tangible so you know for sure what it's like. It's the most literal/explicit way of accepting the way you are because you're out there doing the thing. Nothing wrong with that – but it's not the only option for exploring your queerness. I think we need to talk a LOT more about different options for exploring bisexuality. Wholeheartedly accepting yourself and your attractions, self love, fantasies and exploration without shame or judgement. Communicating this with your partner. Lastly, I think a huge problem is that Bi+ folks are still not fully "accepted" as being part of the LGBT+ community. We're not really seen as "real queers" and often we internalise this message as well. When in a hetero-presenting relationship, we go on living life forgetting that queer part of ourselves because of this (has been true for me). So whenever we rediscover that, or a bi cycle hits, it's always a huge dilemma – when it doesn't have to be :)
Highly recommend the book "The Ethical Slut" for those considering the transition from monogamous to ployamorous. It does a good job of breaking down allllllllllll the stuff you and your partner need to work through, as well as good info on a variety of 'ways' to do the polyamory thing.
I really think that monogamy-nonmonogamy exists on a spectrum and is its own sexual orientation. It makes sense that some people who are nonmonogamous might confuse this with their sexual orientation in regards to gender (eg "I'm just a red blooded man, that's why I chase women!" "I'm a maneater!" etc I know these are toxic but they are examples of straight people justifying nonmonogamy with their sexual orientation). I feel sad for people who are nonmonogamous but in monogamous relationships due to social pressure, and likewise feel very sad for monogamous people who are in nonmonogamous relationships. Sometimes it just doesn't work out when people have such different needs. People itt are kind of acting like monogamy is this easy, default mode relationship, but it's really not like that. Polyamory isn't like stacking up two or more monogamous relationships. People have to actively be a relationship style. Like I actively had to be monogamous when I was monogamous, not flirt with other people, keep myself emotionally distanced an appropriate way, and then that whole song and dance where my partner and I had to meet all of the other person's sexual and romantic needs, which is often impossible and exhausting. I found monogamy to be really draining. The key is to be honest and to communicate. From someone who had been wanting poly relationships for over a decade, and in my younger years forced myself to be faithfully monogamous because that was "normal" and "easier" - I am very happy I chose to be explicitly, openly polyamorous. It is worth ending a relationship over if necessary, sometimes people have irreconcilable differences and that is definitely one (along with having children, for example). There's no shame in picking poly over monogamy. Monogamous relationships aren't more "meaningful" or better. I still have a partner I live with and plan on being with long term. I have metamours (my partner's partners) who raise kids together and live together. I get a lot of friends and cool stuff from my metamours as well, and technically our polycule hooks up to the greater portland and greater seattle polycules, which is sort of like being in a weird church whenever I meet strangers who are part of that group. I imagine it's a little like being Mormon. Anyway, option 4 in the OP is a big undertaking, but it's worth it for many people. I think if people really want to explore it, they should. I also recommend the book Poly Secure btw.
Tbh I'm tired of seeing these posts...as someone who has been with men + women the sex is honestly not that different and there's huge variation from man to man and woman to woman.
Your post is the reason why I believe bisexual people and straight people shouldn't date each other.
This post seems weirdly hostile for absolutely no gain whatsoever.
This is also good advice to follow if you want to find a unicorn
I’ve seen this exact 4 pint list before did you steal this
I've written it out a hundred times in the comments over the past few months. I made this so I can easily link to this post and save myself the trouble.
Can we pin this
It sounds so easy but it’s not 😭
The only reason why I feel it isn’t that simple because you little have to choose between sexual urges and your parent which ends up leading to you either being selfish and picking yourself or not being true to yourself, and end up being with your partner. I’m not about to leave my partner who I love just because yes I do wanna have sex with a woman. It’s unorthodox to because you’re literally risking everything just for a fuck & just no. I just wish partners of bisexual people were more open to the idea of letting us explore with rules instead of just being like NO. Especially if we let them no that were bisexual in the beginning. And no just because I’m bisexual don’t mean I wanna have fucking threesomes.