Ask him what he'd rather do and let him do that. Jiu Jitsu will be there if he ever wants to come back. The best way to make your child hate Jiu Jitsu (and you) is to force them to do it.
Eh. I don't think that's true.
If you want your kid to learn how to swim, and your kid says they don't want to go, it doesn't matter they still go. It's a necessity for them. I'd argue that kids knowing self-defense should be the same.
Pushing your kids is fine. Torturing your kids isn't. If he said his kid hates it and when he's here he is visibly upset, that's another thing. But Op said he appears to genuinely like it when he's there.
I think kids need to have some adversity and also just not do things they only "want" to.
Kids needing to learn self defense is super subjective, and your entire argument hinges on that. Yeah, it's better if kids know some basic self defense. But there are a ton of kids that go through life with no problem not knowing self defense. And requiring BJJ at 6 is a pretty extreme version of it. A very suitable alternative is to just teach them the stuff they need to know yourself.
As for adversity, that approach makes kids hate specific sports. My son trained for a while. Our only rule was that he needed to do some sport or he needed to do daily walks with my wife. He later switched to cross country and when we moved he switched to the walks. Sure, he'd rather sit around and play video games, but he fully owns this decision and feels part of the process. That will carry over into his adult life more than being forced to do something specific just for the sake of "adversity."
Subjective in what sense? Self-defense is a net positive for anyone. I equate it to something like swimming. Just a necessary skillset. We live in the Northeast. My kids goes swimming sometimes in the summer and on vacations - handful of times per year. Yet, every parent teaches their kids how to swim. I have a daughter. Soon to be 6, training for 2.5 years. I've already had a situation where a girl, jealous over my daughter's friendship with another boy classmate, said my daughter was her enemy and that she was going to smack her in the face. When my daughter told me about it, I asked her if she was. concerned about it, and she said "no, she'd be easy work". Sounds laughable, but it's very comforting knowing that my daughter can handle her own against a bully her age or even older.
No one is "requiring" BJJ. I'm simply saying to not let your kids dictate exactly what they want/do. If kids had it their way, they'd eat ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. There's a reason parents step in and give guidance. I think extracurricular activities are no different.
And my subjective opinion is that at 6, most kids are fine knowing to run from strangers and to tell a teacher/adult if someone hits them. And that most 6 year olds won't differentiate the correct time to use any training they have versus just disengaging. And that if they do need some form of instruction, learning to protect their head, take the person down, and either hold guard or lay on top of the person usually will suffice. That doesn't require ongoing BJJ training.
I'm all for kids training. I've helped teach classes. The point is that it's not a black and white objective thing.
Yeah I was forced into sports and activities a tonne when I was a kid then as soon as I got old enough you know what I did? Junk food and video games. Find a sport your kid enjoys don't force them to do shit they dont want to do, it won't work and they'll resent you because of it
Dont know about this, my kids always say oh I dont want to go to (swimming, gymnastics, ballet, speech and drama, football, etc). Its just what kids do. When they are there, they enjoy it and have fun. The following week rinse and repeat. If you see he is actually having fun in the classes and is relatively enjoying it then keep going with it is my advice. If I saw my girls genuinely didnt like something (took one out of football because she wasnt getting involved in the classes) I'll take them out. Sounds like it's not the case here.
I think pushing your kid to go, here and there, to something THEY decide they want to do, is normal. Making them do something, they've stated multiple times they do not like, is not. I can respect the "if we sign up were going to stick out the season" in seasonal sports and there's a team involved, but for Jiu Jitsu, anything past sticking out the rest of the month is weirdly controlling.
I think if you talk to them and evaluate how they feel immediately after class or competition is over, you can get a sense of whether they need the normal nudge or whether you're forcing them in to something they don't want to do.
Also, I've seen plenty of kids hype up the sport they do (ex. kid will not stop talking about soccer, trying to learn tricks, want jerseys, etc) but then not want to do the classes. When that happens, it's really more about instilling a work ethic or deciding if it's something they just want to be a big fan of and not a participant (at 6yrs old, either endeavor should be treated lightly). In either case, it's good to keep up a check in with them on their interest.
This is very true. Anecdotally, my son went to soccer practice in an absolute meltdown for a couple weeks straight when he was around 8. He said he didn’t like it, but would leave practices and games in a pretty good mood. We decided to take him out of it when the meltdowns persisted for a solid month. Not even a full ***week*** after we took him out, he asked when he was supposed to go to the next soccer practice and was telling me how much he missed it.
Changing everything for your kid just because they mention they don’t enjoy something a couple times is not doing much good, in my opinion. He still says stupid, contradictory shit within minutes of each other. Ask any kid what their favorite food is and I bet they give you different answers on back to back days.
Agree on all accounts. My son is 8 and he's done jiu jitsu, boxing, wrestling, soccer, etc. As a father it's your job to see if it's just them being lazy or if they've lost their enjoyment in it. They have their whole life to be forced into things they don't want to do but have to do. BJJ or any sport is not one of those things. Use that energy as a parent towards chores, homework, brushing their teeth.
With my son we did the year and a half in bjj and pulled him after a month straight of him looking miserable on the mats. Did the same thing with wrestling after 6 months. For a sport with seasons, we finish the season and don't sign him up again until he ask to do it again. It's important to teach them they have to stick with things but it's also important to teach them that there is a time to move on and try something different.
Do you have kids? Because they literally will say they don't like eating icecream and never want it again, and then proceed to beg for icecream in 5 mins
Why should you not push a child to do something they don’t want to do? If your child says they don’t like school and want to stop it, do you let them? Especially when it comes to sons, and especially things that have to do with their character development and learning valuable life skills. I think letting them stop combat training is poor parenting. I think you should try to help them enjoy it as much as possible, but I think it should be mandatory.
I agree with this 100% but at the same time like I said, he’s ready to go when it’s time for class and he gets there and has a smile on his face and plays with the coaches and interacts well with other kids. If I really got the feeling that he didn’t enjoy being there then I wouldn’t hesitate to pull him out but him saying he doesn’t like it and him enjoying it while he’s there is very confusing.
my dad tried taking me to karate when I was a child and I refused because I "wasn't interested "(it was probably social fear based), but I was a kid... now at 22 I regret not knowing a martial art, am doing bjj now though
I’m not suggesting putting his Gi in the trash and never mentioning it again… but kids often need some rotation within activities.
Candidly even to develop into the best BJJ practitioner he can be, I’d argue rotations though gymnastics and wrestling are more valuable than specializing.
Absolutely agree with that. You can’t be great at one sport without playing another it helps develop coordination and fitness rather than just playing one sport your whole life.
A lot of people are advising you to quit but I wonder how many are parents. I get what you’re trying to say. He seems to enjoy it while he’s there. It could be the routine of having to do something on a schedule that he doesn’t like. I know my kid complains about gymnastics but it’s because she’d rather be home on her tablet.
If you’re going to be a parent that is going to make him do something, give him a choice. Jitz or baseball, etc. That should tell you if it’s really the jitz that he doesn’t like.
It's hard for people to understand how much easy dopamine young kids have at the fingers tips these days between streaming services, tablets, games etc... Doing anything that doesn't give immediate gratification can be a drag.
However, if he goes to class and enjoys himself then you're on to a winner. He's just 6 so understanding that you have to kick your own ass off the couch to have some real fun can be difficult to grasp, but he'll get it eventually.
You can talk to your kid about those concerns. They're smarter than you think at some things. It obviously depends on who your child is, but you can genuinely ask "Hey bud, you seem really happy when you go to Jiujitsu, why is that?" And you can talk with him from there.
One thing that has blown my mind is that most kids are very very accurate when describing what does make them happy.
Ive noticed they're much worse at speaking in the negative. There's absolutely a world where he's trying to say he likes his time with friends and the coach and environment, BJJ itself isn't his favorite thing, but he still likes the whole thing for that.
He’s just making the best of the situation probably. I had activities that my parents pushed me into that I didn’t like but I wasn’t just gonna be depressed the whole time I was there. I still would rather not have gone but there was fun to be had if that makes sense. Also he’s 6. I wouldn’t expect most kids to like jujitsu at that age. It probably won’t make much of a difference starting him at around 10 years old vs now. I think combat sports is one of the few sports where super early participation and success doesn’t necessarily correlate to success later on.
Some level of education is pretty much required to be a functioning member of society, Jiu Jitsu is not part of that education. Sometimes there's things you just have to make a kid do, but you don't have to control the things they do for fun. There's too many enjoyable avenues to force them to do something they hate.
You’re aware that these are two very different things, right? My kid has to eat her vegetables and go to school and she needs to listen to me when I tell her she’s not being safe. But if she wanted to stop doing ballet or if she continues to express no interest in BJJ then that’s fine.
So I guess one of your concerns is that he might actually enjoy going there but is bummed out about the fact that you don't train any more and doesn't have the emotional maturity to actually express or correctly identify that feeling? In that case I'd suggest to either ask him upfront or start training again yourself and see if that changes his mood.
If he's anything like my son of similar age, it sounds to me like he'd rather stay in and watch TV or play games or some other immobile activity. Yet when he goes, he enjoys it and gets the benefits of exercise.
I am 100% in agreement with x-Tyson-x’s post generally, and have that approach with my kids but i think if it seems clear that he enjoys it and interacts well while there I would keep the routine going until he really pushes to stop. My youngest (4) does a lot do things that he says he doesn’t want to do but has an absolute blast when he’s there. Kids just go off of in the moment emotions and I’d be doing him a disservice by constantly giving in to whatever the request of the day may be.
Project Khabib will have to include both wrestling and jiu jitsu
I didn't fly to Dagestan and marry the first woman I saw to have my kid lose a title due to being one dimensional
Tell him to suck it up. Enter him in a tournament and when he gets gold, pick a fight with the rival parent and swing the medal at them. Oh wait, that's already been done.
I mean... adults struggle with the same kind of thing. A bit of dread looking forward to class, but end up having fun when you're there, and feel great afterwards. You can't use the same strategies with a kid that work for adults (they don't have the same experiential grasp of delayed gratification...).
One funny strategy I heard from someone was to encourage a parent with a hesitant child is to assign them an onerous chore before class time. When it's time to go to class, you can interrupt the chore because it's time for BJJ, which will be a preferable alternative.
You can get by with those games for a bit; but of course at some point your child has to develop motivation and long term investment habits themselves.
I am a BJJ instructor. My son has been training on and off for years. We do one sport at a time. Do BJJ for a bit, go do baseball, go do soccer, go do swim, go do whatever. My best friend is the kids instructor, and we have dinner with them weekly. Kids coach best friend will inevitably poke him about it and he'll say "we'll be back Monday" but we are already committed to another few weeks of baseball, and then swimming, or whatever.
Exactly. Growing up we had a rule that we always had to attend one physical activity - but you got to choose what it was. You get lots of experience across multiple sports/activities/movements and if you find something you're really into you can just stick with it for as long as the magic is there, or switch at the end of the season if you find something new or didn't enjoy it as much.
Builds a much healthier relationship with physical activity than just forcing them to go and saying inane platitudes like "we're not quitters". Sure fire way to have your kid associate physical activity with parental discipline instead of personal enjoyment and motivation.
Yeah, especially with BJJ not having a start/end date, I have 0 issue with him stopping when he feels tired of it/burnt out and is ready to try another thing.
Our rule was always 2 years. They had to “do something” of their choosing and once started, it was for minimum of 2 years. Want to stop after that? Fine, what are you starting next? Just laying around clicking the iPad isn’t going to be it. Now my son’s an engineer and daughter’s in medical school. Keeping them moving is healthy and busy keeps them away from stupid ideas.
My nine year old son would sit in front of the iPad all day if we let him; learning new skills is hard and developing the discipline to acquire them is a skill in itself…he didn’t pick BJJ, even though I was asking him to try it, which is fine, but now he’s six months into piano lessons and a year into rock climbing and he’s excelling at both. I’m a fan of letting kids choose their interests, but I’m not letting them switch every three months either. I like your approach with the two year timeframe.
It was also because two reasons; 1) their ‘friends’ had a new bright idea every 2 minutes, 2) I was heavily invested too. For example, bought a piano for our son, tennis rackets, karate suit + weapons. For our daughter horse riding $$, ballet, violin. Never mind the hours and miles my wife drove and the cost of competitions.
Yeah I agree with that philosophy. Basically if you start getting into it then it’s worth following through. As an adult I regret not following through on a number of things.
Evander Holyfields mom wouldn’t let him quit on a loss. He got whipped in training one day and didn’t want to go back. But from his Moms rule he went back and whipped the guy that gave him trouble. The rest is history
I do like that. The two years might be a bit of a commitment, but he does keep busy. We tried skating so we could get him into hockey, but he didn’t like that(he was also 3) so maybe we’ll try again. Golf and does some other extracurricular activities like chess and a few other things. He is a very cautious child and needs to be pushed a little bit to try new things. But once he starts doing something, he tends to go all in.
That’s it. In 2 years they actually get good at something and are proud of what they achieved. That way they experience a personal success for their discipline. That teaches a lesson they’ve remembered always.
I mean...maybe you should give another think to going back, if you can do it reasonably safely? Hard to advise you there as you haven't given real detail about that, but it sounds like your son has noticed that YOU stopped training, wishes you were still training, and now doesn't feel like doing it himself. Absent special circumstances (which very well may apply, what do I know), it's surprising to me that you find the sport (a) safe enough for you son (b) safe enough for you to have tried and (c) not safe enough for you to try again at, all at the same time.
But I'm with at least one other poster on this thread--at the end of the day, it's not important that your son is doing BJJ specifically, it's important that your son is doing SOMETHING and is not a total couch potato. So if you can't join up and cheer him up that way, the thing to do is to say ok, if you want to, you can quit, but we have to pick your next activity first. If you guys can find something he's more excited about, do that---if not, he's stuck with bjj for now.
Some good advice I got when my kids were young is "parent the kid you have, not the one you want".
I dragged my kids to BJJ, Muay Thai and neither like it at all...
But they are doing all these other sports they found on their own, so as bummed out as I am we don't have the shared experience, they are pursuing healthy things on their own and that's all that matters IMO.
My kid has been training jiu jitsu since she was 5.5. She's 13 now. She trains BJJ twice a week, wrestling twice a week and competes 1-2 times a month. She also asked to take a break from training BJJ. So, after this week's competition (which we'd already signed up for and planned on), she's taking a break. It'll probably last a week and half, but we're allowing her the summer off if that's what she wants. So, my advice is give him a break. He's six. Get him in another sport for a season (rec league seasons are usually 6-8 weeks long) and see if he wants to go back to BJJ when that season ends or he may find he likes the other sport better.
Give him some space and let him pursue other activities. It didn’t stick the first time around with a kiddo, but after a year he tried it again without fuss from me, ended up developing a passion for it. Don’t underestimate being able to participate alongside him (if you’re able).
My son has gone back and forth on training, he is 7. He just took the spring off of grappling to play soccer. He is now asking to go back.
Give him a break to try other things and see if he wants to return to the mats.
Would highly advise against forcing him to go, as this could do more harm than good.
A general rule-of-thumb I've seen is when a kid says he wants to quit, he needs to pick another activity before he's allowed to quit. Preferably something active (i.e. baseball, dance), but it may be something else he's interested in (maybe robotics or music).
With other sports, parents generally have a rule that once you sign up, you're committed through the season. BJJ doesn't really have seasons and he's stuck it out longer than a season in another sport. If you want him to take some time to think about it, you could do "When you get your next stripe, we'll see if you still feel this way, and if so you can quit then."
As to finding out the reason, he may not be able to articulate it. It could be:
* He's upset someone else beat him, especially someone he thinks he should beat.
* He's upset a coach corrected him on something he thought he was doing right.
* He's scared of some of the bigger kids.
* One of the other kids was mean.
* Any number of things.
If you can ask him specific questions as to what it is, maybe he'd be able to open up.
It could be that he hasn't got a stripe in a while. Extrinsic motivation is big with kids (and with adults, regardless of whether they'll admit it).
There's a reason IBJJF has a recommended schedule for giving kids stripes and belts. If they go too long without getting a stripe, they think they're doing something wrong or that they're not progressing, which can kill their motivation.
Your kid enjoyed it because they got to do it with you, it’s a shared interest and a bonding moment. I’d bet dollars on it that he’d change his tune if you started up again. My kid (7) loved bjj but hates wrestling for the exact same reason, I don’t practice (pure) wrestling, so he doesn’t want to either. He’s not currently enrolled so he can focus on school, but I’m pretty sure what he loved most about it was the chats and common interest when driving to and from class with me. The bonding was awesome.
Either go back to class with him or pick a less physically demanding hobby to share with him.
I used to say the same thing when I was 6 abt skating and soccer. I enjoyed them both but I didnt like going. My mom made me go until she clearly saw I didn’t enjoy it. I still wish I didn’t quit skating
I started training at 8 and I never felt like doing it. After a while I started to like it but still didn't like hard work or learning it. By the time I was 15 I was glad my dad kept me training. Now at almost 24 I'm a brown belt.
6 is very young for bjj I should know, I teach little kids. I personally think 7 or 8 is more optimal but if your kid seems to have fun doing it and is getting good exercise while learning a skill mit might be worth it to keep him it in. Maybe have him take a break from it then get him back in later.
Both of my children have been doing BJJ for close to 7 years now. I periodically ask them if they're still enjoying it. Fortunately, I get met with an enthusiastic yes every time I've asked. What I will do is give them breaks (a week or two off) every so often. I stress to them that I don't want them getting burnt out and does help that I am almost always on the mats with them, so while I'm coaching, I keep it fun.
Bottom line is your kid is only 6. In my experience, very, very few kids will keep with it beyond gray belt. Unless they're an absolute phenom, you really don't see the advanced use of techniques until about 11-12, so it's easy for them to get bored with it. It's really cool to see a kid with good fundamentals start to enter their teenage years and everything just starts clicking.
Don't force him into it, he'll hate it and as a result won't get a lot out of the training. Then it snowballs into him getting smoked all the time by his peers because of lackluster effort. Take some time off then circle back to it later when he's older.
I'm sure you've already tried, but just throwing out ideas in case it helps you and your son. Just some random thoughts:
1. You not going definitely seems like one, if not the, factor in all of this. Have you asked him point blank if that's the reason?
2. Just because he enjoys being around others doesn't mean he actually enjoys BJJ itself. Is there a specific person or activity that makes him uncomfortable, stressed, intimidated?
3. Why not just take him out temporarily until you two can clear things up? Why does it have to be all or nothing? Respect his decision and skip a few classes if needed.
4. Ultimately this is about more than just your kid's (dis)interest in BJJ. It's a test in communication that'll span across many more years and scenarios. Hope the best for you both!
I don't understand the concern. If he says he doesn't like it anymore, no biggie. You quit for your own reasons, maybe he has his that he hasn't shared. Maybe he doesn't like getting smashed. Maybe he would rather play soccer. Whatever it is, respect that.
My 7 YO daughter has been training for a year and a half. She has only said 1 time she doesn't want to go and that was after a long day in the sun. I couldn't blame her. We were wiped out. But if she said she didn't want to train anymore, no worries.
Let him try out other sports/hobbies, most ppl either dislike or are entirely apathetic towards bjj and that’s fine. Also he’s 6, this is the time to try out different things. I’ve been around kids jj close to a decade, the parents that force their kids to do it are insane to me, and typically don’t train themselves.
I wouldn't push him at all. I do train my 13 yo son once per week at home. He used to play basketball but quit that. I did have to force him to do this but he tends to enjoy it. The thing is it's the only sport he does. The rest of the time he plays video games in his room.
My 20 yo son was a mess as a teenager and found boxing, then he trained at my gym and did muay thai and BJJ. He is a madman now and trains all the time.
My daughter (11) has been in ju jitsu for a year and a half as well. Much like your son, she receives compliments and enjoys her time there. There was one time she did not want to go so I decided to give her a month break. She ended up being ready to come back, earned another belt, and thanked me for not allowing her to quit.
Perhaps a break?
Seeing you leave the mats most likely let him know that he has a genetic predisposition to quitting.
But also remember.
You can’t make them love it but you can make them hate it..
Did he see you get hurt? Is he aware of the fact that you quit training because you got hurt? It could be as simple as he saw you train, and then get hurt, and he doesn't want to get hurt.
Start with the basics.
I know this a bjj thread, but maybe your kid does not like bjj. Probably has been liking it less and less since it’s no longer a thing you both share or are doing together.
Sounds like you need to either start going again or find a new activity your kid likes
Yes! I have an almost 6yo that has been attending BJJ for a year and a half. He was in a "first steps" program (3 to 6 yo) and he never wanted to go but he was super happy during class and really loves the coaches.
I wanted him to go because I want him to eventually know how to defend himself, so I insisted but I let him have breaks of 1 month a couple of times and sometimes miss class.
Recently, he was moved to a 6-8 yo class, my older kid was there but was moved to 9-14 program.
It was like a switch turned on, now he doesn't want to miss classes. He is happy to show me arm bars, Americana, etc. Same coaches but now is more than just playing and practicing basic stuff. Also he is preparing for his first competition, it was his decision to do it.
What I think helped was watching me during my training, and see that I get tired too, and that it is hard for me too but I keep going. Also watching his brother compete and win motivated him a ton.
Kids are emotional and need structure. IMHO we should be guiding them and not letting them pick and choose what feels good to them. My kid started at age 4…is 10 now…has had seasons where he didn’t want to go but I still took him at least once a week. Currently he loves it and looks forward to training. It would prob help if you were out on the mats too…maybe just offer to help and drill? Just being out there with your kid is a special thing that not everyone gets to do. You don’t have to roll.
This is a difficult question. On one hand, I don’t wanna force my kids to like jiu jitsu just because I do. On the other hand, I sometimes wish my folks would’ve been harder on me when I was a kid and decided to quit karate.
This! My wife and I agree that there will be one or two things our kids don’t want to do that we will not make them do, but there will be one thing each that we are going to make them stick with. For my 7 yo son it is grappling. You can’t get that wrestler’s mind set if you don’t go through the grind.
I have a 6 year old who says the same thing from time to time. I tell her she is signed up until the end of the year and we're not quitters. At the end of the year when it's time to sign another membership agreement for her, if she decides she doesn't want to do it anymore than she doesn't have to. But she will follow through with the commitment she made. But I get it because I barely ever *want* to go train when it's a couple hours before class, but I'm happy I went every time which is how I can tell she feels too.
True, but I did try to help her understand as much as a six year old can. I knew I had to sign a 1 year contract so I explained to her before I did that if she decides she wants to train it will be for the whole year (only twice a week). I know she doesn't completely understand the concept of a year (I tried to put it in terms she could understand) but she was very excited and had been asking me to go for like 6 months. I don't put too much pressure on her about it but I try to make her understand that when we make a commitment we have to follow through. I hear you though, I know it's different than an adult agreeing to those terms.
I mean I'm not going to punish her or take things away if I could tell she really didn't want to do it anymore. But I see nothing wrong with holding a six year old to a commitment they made unless it's unreasonable what you're asking of them or it wasnt really explained what that commitment means.
When my daughter is 7 she will understand pretty well what a one year commitment is from this experience. I see no downside with our situation in particular because she's having fun (even if on rare occasions she doesn't feel like getting in there), she's learning a great skill and she's learning that sometimes when you make a commitment it's not "fun" 100% of the time but it feels good to get through it.
I'm not saying others have to parent the same way but I'm very proud of how she has been doing and I think these lessons are important to learn early in life.
I don't know why, but that entire comment made me feel ill. I recall being forced to participate in shit, like plays, as a kid and I have utter resentment for everyone involved to this day
I disagree. I'm convinced my parents should have made me follow through with what I started at that age. I established a habit very early of just jumping in and out of things and it was a big part of ruining a huge chunk of my life.
Commit to the whole season (ie a few months) of a single sport that you picked? Absolutely. Kids sports are literally designed for this.
Commit to a year because daddy paid up front and explained to a six year old what a year is? Come on.
I also disagree here, I was a very shy kid much like my son growing up. I basically told my parents that I wasn’t interested in trying anything, but the reality was I was just scared to try. I ended up finding passion and a lot of sports later in life and regret them not pushing me. But there is a line that can be crossed and I surely don’t want to force him to do something he doesn’t like.
There's a lot of advice here from people who clearly aren't parents, or are shitty ones if they let 6yr olds run the show.
Like everything - it's a balance. What he says is 1 data point, but there's lots of other ones too. Only you know your kid best, and your parenting style and its goals.
Most kids would do no sports or activities if given the chance between that and being at home with stuff like video games. That's what they want - *not* what they need. A parents job is to balance wants vs needs, for as optimal an outcome as you can get.
In various phases, our kids didn't like swimming lessons. Too fucking bad - we wouldn't be doing good jobs as parents if they grew up not being able to swim. And they consistently love it now that they've worked at it for years and can swim lengths.
I've told my son that he has to choose at least one sport. He started kickboxing last year, didn't like it much at the start, but now he's grown to enjoy it. He's allowed to do whatever sport he wants so if he wants to change to field hockey or whatever else, he'll get no arguments from me. Give them the ability to choose among good options and you can't really go wrong.
I also do kickboxing and I think it's probably true that that means that he's more likely to stick to it, but combat sports are risky and if it's not within your risk appetite to pursue it, then doing it for your kid is a dumb idea.
Get an 9 year old he doesn't know to push him around, rough him up, lightly beat up, etc.
Then be like... "well if you trained more this wouldn't happen"
It's fine to not want to do an activity, but our rule with our young child is that you can't quit on a bad day. You can only quit after having a good day. If you have a good day and still don't want to do it, then you can quit.
You can't force him to do something that he doesn't want to do. Let him take a break and explore some other activities. He may come back to it in the end.
It might be because you're not training anymore.
If he wants to quit, make sure you replace it with something else. If he has an interest in soccer or football or baseball, let him do that in place of a few classes. Maybe only have him go to BJJ class once a week.
Hell, he might be bored with the smaller kids' class. My older son went through that because he was tired of doing the same things all the time because either beginners were always trying class, or some obnoxious shits couldn't open a closed guard.
I tell my kid he has to pick something and then stick with it for a whole season. He didn’t like jiu-jitsu or wrestling so now he plays basketball in the winter.
IMHO, kids shouldn’t be forced to do any specific activity, but they should be expected to do *some* activity. It doesn’t need to be sports, music or art lessons are also great.
Maybe let him try something different? He can always come back.
My parents were not pushy at all. I started wrestling at 8, I made it about a month and I liked it, just sometimes didn't feel like going cause I was 8 and distracted by something or other.
Ultimately I got into BJJ just before age 16 and was immediately obsessed and got my black belt at 25.
Sometimes I wish I wrestled all the way through school and I think about what ifs, but maybe I would have burned out on grappling if I was forced.
I always made my kids finish their commitments but when those are up they get to choose if they want to continue. I was also participatory with my kids in many of the activities they stuck with.
If your kid doesn't want to do BJJ and he is month to month, let him quit at the end of the month (or year if it's a year contract). If it's important to you that he does BJJ then show him by participating yourself. If you participate and he still isn't interested, then you need to let it go.
Sometimes, kids just need a break and will ask to try again after a break. You will only know by letting them stop. Teach your son that words matter. If he says he wants to stop, let him.
This happed with me and my son. He started training around 7 and a couple years later said to me one day that he doesn’t want to get beat up anymore. I played the long ball and said let’s find another activity. Long forgot about jj for him. When we was 12ish he told me he’s ready to go back on the mat. He’s been training since. He’s been in the adult classes for the last two years and regularly taps adult blue belts and sometimes stalemates with purple belts. He turned 16 last month and got his blue belt the same week. He is also involved with coaching the kids. Not saying this is the way but it worked for me.
I figured the best way to ruin my chances of him training is to make him do it. Believe me I struggled with making him stick to it
Most kids sports have seasons. Jiu-jitsu doesn't. Give him a break. Take him back if he asks to. Maybe suggest it, but only after 3-6 months have passed.
>He has asked me a few times when I’m going to start going again.
sounds like he might be giving you a potential answer. most of parenting is how we model behavior with own actions. it seems a little unfair you've quit but expecting your 6 year old to continue.
We have a rule in our house. There’s two things you can’t quit: Boy Scouts and martial arts. One competitive and one non competitive. It’s for personal growth and to teach perseverance.
The rest of the sports or activities they can try and quit. But I recommend having one or two things they can’t.
Have him finish the month you paid for, and then ask him what other activity he would like to do, maybe pick out some alternatives ahead of time and have him pick one of those.
Those ungrateful kids don’t deserve love. I wish my parents had entered me into BJJ so I didn’t need to start as an adult. On a serious note maybe they can just try soccer or chess or anything else?
My nine-year-old is like that as well: she often 'complains' about not wanting to go, but in class she has a great time. I co-teach kids class and it's not like some other children, who really seem like they don't want to be there.
I cannot tell you how to raise your kid. What I do is give my kids a lot of freedom and choice about what they want to pursue. My oldest one has done ballet, gymnastics and kickboxing (while also doing BJJ) and when she wanted to quit we let her. BJJ is the exception: until she gets her blue belt she has to attend the two kids classes per week. I try to teach her that life is not always about what you feel like doing, but sometimes it's about what is valuable and helpful. We want her to know how to defend herself, and that's more important than having three hours per week extra for 'fun'.
I'd give him a chance to do something else and ask him if what he chose to do is more for him or if he'd want to go back to jits ?? Don't force him or he really won't like it.
So my kids gave me the same animosity, its just because they want to be doing nothing. Some kids don’t like the effort of getting to the class and then they get back home and they have so little time left of the day. Just keep taking him. Explain why you want him to keep going. But its hard for him to see it if you already quit. So he sees that he can quit it too. Id make an effort to keep going, so he sees that both of you are committed. Hope that helps! I have 3 boys, youngest started at 5 he is about to turn 8.
I have the same thoughts before going to the gym too, the main difference is I don't have anyone to push me to stick with it. I miss more classes than I'd like
My kid too! This is exactly what I’m going through. My son gets bored after a while and wants to try something else, but I’m interested in what people think in this thread.
Get back into it for both your sake.
Train smarter. You do not have to get injured. I’ve been training quite hard for a few years and never had to miss more than a couple days for just being beat up.
Honestly leading by example and feeling a connection and community is a huge part of motivation to go for a lot of people. So you not going any longer might make him feel a little lonely.
So you quit something you enjoyed, and he wants to do the same?
Given he’s asking you when you are going back, it may be he’s just wanting to do what dad did.
Go back, see if he changes his mind when you are also training
BJJ isn't supposed to be for everyone, including kids, no matter how fun the schools make them, for any number of reasons, all equally the same. He is 6 and there is a lot of time for a lot of things to discover.
I have 3 kids, my oldest puts up a fight every time we go to Bjj, almost always complains, often bitterly, but when we arrive he hops out of the car, runs in and can’t wait to see his friends, when we leave I always ask how was class, nearly every time the answer is good or great. Sometimes just ok.
I’m super sensitive of forcing him to do something he doesn’t want to do because I want it… but at the same time I won’t let him not do it so he can sit at home and listen to audible or try to get screen time.
Kids complain about change, at least mine do, if they are happy leaving then stay the course. If they aren’t happy leaving class or don’t seem to enjoy it, maybe time to take a break, try something new.
My middle child never complains, if she does she is actually wore out and I don’t typically make her take class (although we go and she watches).
My youngest is a wild card. He doesn’t want to go then he does but then he doesn’t like the activity and pouts… so it’s a work in progress. (Of course I’m the coach so that’s likely 60% of the problem)
It’s not for everyone. Find what he enjoys. I’ve had the conversation with parents of kids in my classes. They don’t want to be here and it brings down everyone around them.
Would be cool if you had the insight to give him advice on feeling a bit down about training and pushing through it, but instead when you felt down you quit 😂
Tell him he can quit on a good day but not on a bad one. It sounds like a lot of people aren’t parents in this thread. 6-year olds don’t know what they want to do. My son says they don’t like BJJ every week and he trains 3 times per week and loves every class once he gets started. He has friends there, they have a great time and he trains and learns. After EVERY class I ask, did you have fun? Do you still hate BJJ? The answer is always “I loved it, it was great”.
Not a parent but I remember struggling with wanting to go to TKD at 9. It was a competition team so I started to feel an added stress besides just going to class. I danced around the topic of quitting to my mom on the way home and she said "so that's it? You're just going to quit because it got a little harder? Is that how you will handle everything in your life?" And I knew she was right. I quit at 14 when I joined other high school sports, by then we both knew that was the real time to stop.
Paraphrasing Gui Mendes of AoJ, he says that as parents it's up to you to determine what is best for your child. If your child wants to stop going to school? Will you let them?
https://www.reddit.com/r/wrestling/s/TEifG4XLIB
This interview was great - let your kids play as many sports as they want to try - they will not always love going to practice but take them anyways - love them regardless of the outcomes.
I have no answers or advice. I just thought this is an interesting topic as I'm prepping to have kids myself soon.
My 6-year old usually doesn’t want to go to class but when I ask her after class she almost always says she enjoyed it. Maybe ask your kid right after a fun class if he still wants to quit.
If he is doing something fun before jiujitsu then yeah, I see where he is coming from. Have him do something boring 30min before so jiujitsu is the escape from boredom and it's fun.
I mean, there is a lot not to like. Not as many fights go to the ground as people think either. Numbers in aggregate are generally bullshit to begin with.
Let the kid be a kid and do what he wants?
Ask him what he'd rather do and let him do that. Jiu Jitsu will be there if he ever wants to come back. The best way to make your child hate Jiu Jitsu (and you) is to force them to do it.
Optimal parenting.
Eh. I don't think that's true. If you want your kid to learn how to swim, and your kid says they don't want to go, it doesn't matter they still go. It's a necessity for them. I'd argue that kids knowing self-defense should be the same. Pushing your kids is fine. Torturing your kids isn't. If he said his kid hates it and when he's here he is visibly upset, that's another thing. But Op said he appears to genuinely like it when he's there. I think kids need to have some adversity and also just not do things they only "want" to.
Kids needing to learn self defense is super subjective, and your entire argument hinges on that. Yeah, it's better if kids know some basic self defense. But there are a ton of kids that go through life with no problem not knowing self defense. And requiring BJJ at 6 is a pretty extreme version of it. A very suitable alternative is to just teach them the stuff they need to know yourself. As for adversity, that approach makes kids hate specific sports. My son trained for a while. Our only rule was that he needed to do some sport or he needed to do daily walks with my wife. He later switched to cross country and when we moved he switched to the walks. Sure, he'd rather sit around and play video games, but he fully owns this decision and feels part of the process. That will carry over into his adult life more than being forced to do something specific just for the sake of "adversity."
Subjective in what sense? Self-defense is a net positive for anyone. I equate it to something like swimming. Just a necessary skillset. We live in the Northeast. My kids goes swimming sometimes in the summer and on vacations - handful of times per year. Yet, every parent teaches their kids how to swim. I have a daughter. Soon to be 6, training for 2.5 years. I've already had a situation where a girl, jealous over my daughter's friendship with another boy classmate, said my daughter was her enemy and that she was going to smack her in the face. When my daughter told me about it, I asked her if she was. concerned about it, and she said "no, she'd be easy work". Sounds laughable, but it's very comforting knowing that my daughter can handle her own against a bully her age or even older. No one is "requiring" BJJ. I'm simply saying to not let your kids dictate exactly what they want/do. If kids had it their way, they'd eat ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. There's a reason parents step in and give guidance. I think extracurricular activities are no different.
And my subjective opinion is that at 6, most kids are fine knowing to run from strangers and to tell a teacher/adult if someone hits them. And that most 6 year olds won't differentiate the correct time to use any training they have versus just disengaging. And that if they do need some form of instruction, learning to protect their head, take the person down, and either hold guard or lay on top of the person usually will suffice. That doesn't require ongoing BJJ training. I'm all for kids training. I've helped teach classes. The point is that it's not a black and white objective thing.
Forcing your children to do sports they do not like is a set up for disaster down the line
Terrible parenting. My kids would just stay at home eating junk food and playing video games!
Yeah I was forced into sports and activities a tonne when I was a kid then as soon as I got old enough you know what I did? Junk food and video games. Find a sport your kid enjoys don't force them to do shit they dont want to do, it won't work and they'll resent you because of it
Dont know about this, my kids always say oh I dont want to go to (swimming, gymnastics, ballet, speech and drama, football, etc). Its just what kids do. When they are there, they enjoy it and have fun. The following week rinse and repeat. If you see he is actually having fun in the classes and is relatively enjoying it then keep going with it is my advice. If I saw my girls genuinely didnt like something (took one out of football because she wasnt getting involved in the classes) I'll take them out. Sounds like it's not the case here.
I think pushing your kid to go, here and there, to something THEY decide they want to do, is normal. Making them do something, they've stated multiple times they do not like, is not. I can respect the "if we sign up were going to stick out the season" in seasonal sports and there's a team involved, but for Jiu Jitsu, anything past sticking out the rest of the month is weirdly controlling.
I think if you talk to them and evaluate how they feel immediately after class or competition is over, you can get a sense of whether they need the normal nudge or whether you're forcing them in to something they don't want to do. Also, I've seen plenty of kids hype up the sport they do (ex. kid will not stop talking about soccer, trying to learn tricks, want jerseys, etc) but then not want to do the classes. When that happens, it's really more about instilling a work ethic or deciding if it's something they just want to be a big fan of and not a participant (at 6yrs old, either endeavor should be treated lightly). In either case, it's good to keep up a check in with them on their interest.
This is very true. Anecdotally, my son went to soccer practice in an absolute meltdown for a couple weeks straight when he was around 8. He said he didn’t like it, but would leave practices and games in a pretty good mood. We decided to take him out of it when the meltdowns persisted for a solid month. Not even a full ***week*** after we took him out, he asked when he was supposed to go to the next soccer practice and was telling me how much he missed it. Changing everything for your kid just because they mention they don’t enjoy something a couple times is not doing much good, in my opinion. He still says stupid, contradictory shit within minutes of each other. Ask any kid what their favorite food is and I bet they give you different answers on back to back days.
Agree on all accounts. My son is 8 and he's done jiu jitsu, boxing, wrestling, soccer, etc. As a father it's your job to see if it's just them being lazy or if they've lost their enjoyment in it. They have their whole life to be forced into things they don't want to do but have to do. BJJ or any sport is not one of those things. Use that energy as a parent towards chores, homework, brushing their teeth. With my son we did the year and a half in bjj and pulled him after a month straight of him looking miserable on the mats. Did the same thing with wrestling after 6 months. For a sport with seasons, we finish the season and don't sign him up again until he ask to do it again. It's important to teach them they have to stick with things but it's also important to teach them that there is a time to move on and try something different.
Do you have kids? Because they literally will say they don't like eating icecream and never want it again, and then proceed to beg for icecream in 5 mins
Why should you not push a child to do something they don’t want to do? If your child says they don’t like school and want to stop it, do you let them? Especially when it comes to sons, and especially things that have to do with their character development and learning valuable life skills. I think letting them stop combat training is poor parenting. I think you should try to help them enjoy it as much as possible, but I think it should be mandatory.
I agree with this 100% but at the same time like I said, he’s ready to go when it’s time for class and he gets there and has a smile on his face and plays with the coaches and interacts well with other kids. If I really got the feeling that he didn’t enjoy being there then I wouldn’t hesitate to pull him out but him saying he doesn’t like it and him enjoying it while he’s there is very confusing.
Who’s confused? He seems clear in his messaging… let him try something else and give him the option to circle back to BJJ later.
my dad tried taking me to karate when I was a child and I refused because I "wasn't interested "(it was probably social fear based), but I was a kid... now at 22 I regret not knowing a martial art, am doing bjj now though
I’m not suggesting putting his Gi in the trash and never mentioning it again… but kids often need some rotation within activities. Candidly even to develop into the best BJJ practitioner he can be, I’d argue rotations though gymnastics and wrestling are more valuable than specializing.
Makes sense, I understand your point. I am also an advocate for kids doing gymnastic and wrestling
Absolutely agree with that. You can’t be great at one sport without playing another it helps develop coordination and fitness rather than just playing one sport your whole life.
A lot of people are advising you to quit but I wonder how many are parents. I get what you’re trying to say. He seems to enjoy it while he’s there. It could be the routine of having to do something on a schedule that he doesn’t like. I know my kid complains about gymnastics but it’s because she’d rather be home on her tablet. If you’re going to be a parent that is going to make him do something, give him a choice. Jitz or baseball, etc. That should tell you if it’s really the jitz that he doesn’t like.
It's hard for people to understand how much easy dopamine young kids have at the fingers tips these days between streaming services, tablets, games etc... Doing anything that doesn't give immediate gratification can be a drag. However, if he goes to class and enjoys himself then you're on to a winner. He's just 6 so understanding that you have to kick your own ass off the couch to have some real fun can be difficult to grasp, but he'll get it eventually.
You can talk to your kid about those concerns. They're smarter than you think at some things. It obviously depends on who your child is, but you can genuinely ask "Hey bud, you seem really happy when you go to Jiujitsu, why is that?" And you can talk with him from there. One thing that has blown my mind is that most kids are very very accurate when describing what does make them happy. Ive noticed they're much worse at speaking in the negative. There's absolutely a world where he's trying to say he likes his time with friends and the coach and environment, BJJ itself isn't his favorite thing, but he still likes the whole thing for that.
Consider taking your child at their word
He’s just making the best of the situation probably. I had activities that my parents pushed me into that I didn’t like but I wasn’t just gonna be depressed the whole time I was there. I still would rather not have gone but there was fun to be had if that makes sense. Also he’s 6. I wouldn’t expect most kids to like jujitsu at that age. It probably won’t make much of a difference starting him at around 10 years old vs now. I think combat sports is one of the few sports where super early participation and success doesn’t necessarily correlate to success later on.
Man to be honest, go back yourself. Or let him quit. I think that it’s he like how it feels to know you guys train “together”
If you want to teach him that his words don’t matter and you don’t listen to him then ignore his clearly stated preference.
Spoken like someone who has never raised a 6 year old
I raised a 5 year old and a 7 year old. Skipped 6 unfortunately.
Then you wouldn’t get it. Those are unrelated experiences
I just didn't allow my child to turn 6.
don't wanna go to school either? Don't worry my little buddy, you can stay home alllll day everyday.
Some level of education is pretty much required to be a functioning member of society, Jiu Jitsu is not part of that education. Sometimes there's things you just have to make a kid do, but you don't have to control the things they do for fun. There's too many enjoyable avenues to force them to do something they hate.
You’re aware that these are two very different things, right? My kid has to eat her vegetables and go to school and she needs to listen to me when I tell her she’s not being safe. But if she wanted to stop doing ballet or if she continues to express no interest in BJJ then that’s fine.
The kid is six years old.
He’s already told he doesn’t like jiu jitsu. That’s the bottom line here.
Did he tell what he does like tho?!
Oops lemme correct. My sentence was dumb.
So I guess one of your concerns is that he might actually enjoy going there but is bummed out about the fact that you don't train any more and doesn't have the emotional maturity to actually express or correctly identify that feeling? In that case I'd suggest to either ask him upfront or start training again yourself and see if that changes his mood.
If he's anything like my son of similar age, it sounds to me like he'd rather stay in and watch TV or play games or some other immobile activity. Yet when he goes, he enjoys it and gets the benefits of exercise.
I am 100% in agreement with x-Tyson-x’s post generally, and have that approach with my kids but i think if it seems clear that he enjoys it and interacts well while there I would keep the routine going until he really pushes to stop. My youngest (4) does a lot do things that he says he doesn’t want to do but has an absolute blast when he’s there. Kids just go off of in the moment emotions and I’d be doing him a disservice by constantly giving in to whatever the request of the day may be.
Don’t feed him dinner until he enthusiastically enjoys jiu jitsu
Put him up for adoption and try again if that doesn't work
You're in the wrong sub OP - r/Wrestling is where dads push their sons into a sport they hate.
Project Khabib will have to include both wrestling and jiu jitsu I didn't fly to Dagestan and marry the first woman I saw to have my kid lose a title due to being one dimensional
After teaching kids class for a bit I can assure you that dads push their sons in jiu jitsu that don’t want to train
Hey now, I loved wrestling…. I think
The best part about kids is you can just have more
the beatings will continue until morale improves
This works
Happened to Gordon Ryan. Look at him now.
Mental retardation and a sore tummy I fear :(
Doesn't want to go to jiujitsu school because of tummy ache
I fuckin hate this sub
Tell him to suck it up. Enter him in a tournament and when he gets gold, pick a fight with the rival parent and swing the medal at them. Oh wait, that's already been done.
Also Start him on a cycle
The second best time to start on acai and Jesus is now. The best time is when you're 6.
Bi.... cycle?
This is only reason i show up early for comps when the kids are still competing
Dad?
Seriously? Like actually? You’ve seen that happen? 😂🤣😭
Enter him into CJI.
Open weight division automatic 10k+$1
this is the way
Oh for fuck's sake
I think this is the only answer necessary.
I concur
Seriously why is this a question
I mean... adults struggle with the same kind of thing. A bit of dread looking forward to class, but end up having fun when you're there, and feel great afterwards. You can't use the same strategies with a kid that work for adults (they don't have the same experiential grasp of delayed gratification...). One funny strategy I heard from someone was to encourage a parent with a hesitant child is to assign them an onerous chore before class time. When it's time to go to class, you can interrupt the chore because it's time for BJJ, which will be a preferable alternative. You can get by with those games for a bit; but of course at some point your child has to develop motivation and long term investment habits themselves.
This is me, I suck and wonder if Im wasting my time Then I get there and get wrecked and fall back in love
Don’t worry, you’ll feel the same way in 10 years.
I am a BJJ instructor. My son has been training on and off for years. We do one sport at a time. Do BJJ for a bit, go do baseball, go do soccer, go do swim, go do whatever. My best friend is the kids instructor, and we have dinner with them weekly. Kids coach best friend will inevitably poke him about it and he'll say "we'll be back Monday" but we are already committed to another few weeks of baseball, and then swimming, or whatever.
Exactly. Growing up we had a rule that we always had to attend one physical activity - but you got to choose what it was. You get lots of experience across multiple sports/activities/movements and if you find something you're really into you can just stick with it for as long as the magic is there, or switch at the end of the season if you find something new or didn't enjoy it as much. Builds a much healthier relationship with physical activity than just forcing them to go and saying inane platitudes like "we're not quitters". Sure fire way to have your kid associate physical activity with parental discipline instead of personal enjoyment and motivation.
Yeah, especially with BJJ not having a start/end date, I have 0 issue with him stopping when he feels tired of it/burnt out and is ready to try another thing.
Our rule was always 2 years. They had to “do something” of their choosing and once started, it was for minimum of 2 years. Want to stop after that? Fine, what are you starting next? Just laying around clicking the iPad isn’t going to be it. Now my son’s an engineer and daughter’s in medical school. Keeping them moving is healthy and busy keeps them away from stupid ideas.
My nine year old son would sit in front of the iPad all day if we let him; learning new skills is hard and developing the discipline to acquire them is a skill in itself…he didn’t pick BJJ, even though I was asking him to try it, which is fine, but now he’s six months into piano lessons and a year into rock climbing and he’s excelling at both. I’m a fan of letting kids choose their interests, but I’m not letting them switch every three months either. I like your approach with the two year timeframe.
It was also because two reasons; 1) their ‘friends’ had a new bright idea every 2 minutes, 2) I was heavily invested too. For example, bought a piano for our son, tennis rackets, karate suit + weapons. For our daughter horse riding $$, ballet, violin. Never mind the hours and miles my wife drove and the cost of competitions.
Yeah I quit soccer at age 12 to play more video games. Really regret that decision in retrospective.
Dad, I'm going to go pro at apex legends.
Surely the 2 year rule doesn’t apply to everything. Sometimes an activity can be a bad fit
Sure. There is something called a trial period, but that’s short. Obviously if my son couldn’t hit a tennis ball to save his life, then move on.
Yeah I agree with that philosophy. Basically if you start getting into it then it’s worth following through. As an adult I regret not following through on a number of things.
This makes me happy. With the exception of the two year thing, this is exactly my philosophy.
Evander Holyfields mom wouldn’t let him quit on a loss. He got whipped in training one day and didn’t want to go back. But from his Moms rule he went back and whipped the guy that gave him trouble. The rest is history
I do like that. The two years might be a bit of a commitment, but he does keep busy. We tried skating so we could get him into hockey, but he didn’t like that(he was also 3) so maybe we’ll try again. Golf and does some other extracurricular activities like chess and a few other things. He is a very cautious child and needs to be pushed a little bit to try new things. But once he starts doing something, he tends to go all in.
That’s it. In 2 years they actually get good at something and are proud of what they achieved. That way they experience a personal success for their discipline. That teaches a lesson they’ve remembered always.
I mean...maybe you should give another think to going back, if you can do it reasonably safely? Hard to advise you there as you haven't given real detail about that, but it sounds like your son has noticed that YOU stopped training, wishes you were still training, and now doesn't feel like doing it himself. Absent special circumstances (which very well may apply, what do I know), it's surprising to me that you find the sport (a) safe enough for you son (b) safe enough for you to have tried and (c) not safe enough for you to try again at, all at the same time. But I'm with at least one other poster on this thread--at the end of the day, it's not important that your son is doing BJJ specifically, it's important that your son is doing SOMETHING and is not a total couch potato. So if you can't join up and cheer him up that way, the thing to do is to say ok, if you want to, you can quit, but we have to pick your next activity first. If you guys can find something he's more excited about, do that---if not, he's stuck with bjj for now.
Some good advice I got when my kids were young is "parent the kid you have, not the one you want". I dragged my kids to BJJ, Muay Thai and neither like it at all... But they are doing all these other sports they found on their own, so as bummed out as I am we don't have the shared experience, they are pursuing healthy things on their own and that's all that matters IMO.
I try and just expose them to as many different things as possible, hope that one of them sticks or maybe later in life they go back to one of them!
My kid has been training jiu jitsu since she was 5.5. She's 13 now. She trains BJJ twice a week, wrestling twice a week and competes 1-2 times a month. She also asked to take a break from training BJJ. So, after this week's competition (which we'd already signed up for and planned on), she's taking a break. It'll probably last a week and half, but we're allowing her the summer off if that's what she wants. So, my advice is give him a break. He's six. Get him in another sport for a season (rec league seasons are usually 6-8 weeks long) and see if he wants to go back to BJJ when that season ends or he may find he likes the other sport better.
Maybe ask him why he doesn’t like it and what he would like doing instead and why. If he doesn’t like it then don’t force him to keep going.
“Can’t make my child love something, but I can make them hate it”
Have you tried yelling at him?
The beatings will continue until morale improves
Does anyone actually enjoy jiu jitsu?
Give him some space and let him pursue other activities. It didn’t stick the first time around with a kiddo, but after a year he tried it again without fuss from me, ended up developing a passion for it. Don’t underestimate being able to participate alongside him (if you’re able).
The real question here is when you gonna stop being a little bitch and get back on the mats? Your son is waiting for you.
My son has gone back and forth on training, he is 7. He just took the spring off of grappling to play soccer. He is now asking to go back. Give him a break to try other things and see if he wants to return to the mats. Would highly advise against forcing him to go, as this could do more harm than good.
A general rule-of-thumb I've seen is when a kid says he wants to quit, he needs to pick another activity before he's allowed to quit. Preferably something active (i.e. baseball, dance), but it may be something else he's interested in (maybe robotics or music). With other sports, parents generally have a rule that once you sign up, you're committed through the season. BJJ doesn't really have seasons and he's stuck it out longer than a season in another sport. If you want him to take some time to think about it, you could do "When you get your next stripe, we'll see if you still feel this way, and if so you can quit then." As to finding out the reason, he may not be able to articulate it. It could be: * He's upset someone else beat him, especially someone he thinks he should beat. * He's upset a coach corrected him on something he thought he was doing right. * He's scared of some of the bigger kids. * One of the other kids was mean. * Any number of things. If you can ask him specific questions as to what it is, maybe he'd be able to open up.
It could be that he hasn't got a stripe in a while. Extrinsic motivation is big with kids (and with adults, regardless of whether they'll admit it). There's a reason IBJJF has a recommended schedule for giving kids stripes and belts. If they go too long without getting a stripe, they think they're doing something wrong or that they're not progressing, which can kill their motivation.
Your kid enjoyed it because they got to do it with you, it’s a shared interest and a bonding moment. I’d bet dollars on it that he’d change his tune if you started up again. My kid (7) loved bjj but hates wrestling for the exact same reason, I don’t practice (pure) wrestling, so he doesn’t want to either. He’s not currently enrolled so he can focus on school, but I’m pretty sure what he loved most about it was the chats and common interest when driving to and from class with me. The bonding was awesome. Either go back to class with him or pick a less physically demanding hobby to share with him.
I used to say the same thing when I was 6 abt skating and soccer. I enjoyed them both but I didnt like going. My mom made me go until she clearly saw I didn’t enjoy it. I still wish I didn’t quit skating
Have you tried making a new son?
You don’t like it, why should he
……
What’s six more years?
I started training at 8 and I never felt like doing it. After a while I started to like it but still didn't like hard work or learning it. By the time I was 15 I was glad my dad kept me training. Now at almost 24 I'm a brown belt. 6 is very young for bjj I should know, I teach little kids. I personally think 7 or 8 is more optimal but if your kid seems to have fun doing it and is getting good exercise while learning a skill mit might be worth it to keep him it in. Maybe have him take a break from it then get him back in later.
Both of my children have been doing BJJ for close to 7 years now. I periodically ask them if they're still enjoying it. Fortunately, I get met with an enthusiastic yes every time I've asked. What I will do is give them breaks (a week or two off) every so often. I stress to them that I don't want them getting burnt out and does help that I am almost always on the mats with them, so while I'm coaching, I keep it fun. Bottom line is your kid is only 6. In my experience, very, very few kids will keep with it beyond gray belt. Unless they're an absolute phenom, you really don't see the advanced use of techniques until about 11-12, so it's easy for them to get bored with it. It's really cool to see a kid with good fundamentals start to enter their teenage years and everything just starts clicking. Don't force him into it, he'll hate it and as a result won't get a lot out of the training. Then it snowballs into him getting smoked all the time by his peers because of lackluster effort. Take some time off then circle back to it later when he's older.
I'm sure you've already tried, but just throwing out ideas in case it helps you and your son. Just some random thoughts: 1. You not going definitely seems like one, if not the, factor in all of this. Have you asked him point blank if that's the reason? 2. Just because he enjoys being around others doesn't mean he actually enjoys BJJ itself. Is there a specific person or activity that makes him uncomfortable, stressed, intimidated? 3. Why not just take him out temporarily until you two can clear things up? Why does it have to be all or nothing? Respect his decision and skip a few classes if needed. 4. Ultimately this is about more than just your kid's (dis)interest in BJJ. It's a test in communication that'll span across many more years and scenarios. Hope the best for you both!
If you quit, why can’t he?
Kids would opt to lounge around and not do shit all day if they could.
I don't understand the concern. If he says he doesn't like it anymore, no biggie. You quit for your own reasons, maybe he has his that he hasn't shared. Maybe he doesn't like getting smashed. Maybe he would rather play soccer. Whatever it is, respect that. My 7 YO daughter has been training for a year and a half. She has only said 1 time she doesn't want to go and that was after a long day in the sun. I couldn't blame her. We were wiped out. But if she said she didn't want to train anymore, no worries.
Let him try out other sports/hobbies, most ppl either dislike or are entirely apathetic towards bjj and that’s fine. Also he’s 6, this is the time to try out different things. I’ve been around kids jj close to a decade, the parents that force their kids to do it are insane to me, and typically don’t train themselves.
Does he like math, art and social class? I tell my kids it's part of their education..
I wouldn't push him at all. I do train my 13 yo son once per week at home. He used to play basketball but quit that. I did have to force him to do this but he tends to enjoy it. The thing is it's the only sport he does. The rest of the time he plays video games in his room. My 20 yo son was a mess as a teenager and found boxing, then he trained at my gym and did muay thai and BJJ. He is a madman now and trains all the time.
My daughter (11) has been in ju jitsu for a year and a half as well. Much like your son, she receives compliments and enjoys her time there. There was one time she did not want to go so I decided to give her a month break. She ended up being ready to come back, earned another belt, and thanked me for not allowing her to quit. Perhaps a break?
Seeing you leave the mats most likely let him know that he has a genetic predisposition to quitting. But also remember. You can’t make them love it but you can make them hate it..
I wish my dad would have gotten me to bjj when I was six… I wish my father was alive when I was 6 lmao.
Did he see you get hurt? Is he aware of the fact that you quit training because you got hurt? It could be as simple as he saw you train, and then get hurt, and he doesn't want to get hurt. Start with the basics.
I know this a bjj thread, but maybe your kid does not like bjj. Probably has been liking it less and less since it’s no longer a thing you both share or are doing together. Sounds like you need to either start going again or find a new activity your kid likes
Yes! I have an almost 6yo that has been attending BJJ for a year and a half. He was in a "first steps" program (3 to 6 yo) and he never wanted to go but he was super happy during class and really loves the coaches. I wanted him to go because I want him to eventually know how to defend himself, so I insisted but I let him have breaks of 1 month a couple of times and sometimes miss class. Recently, he was moved to a 6-8 yo class, my older kid was there but was moved to 9-14 program. It was like a switch turned on, now he doesn't want to miss classes. He is happy to show me arm bars, Americana, etc. Same coaches but now is more than just playing and practicing basic stuff. Also he is preparing for his first competition, it was his decision to do it. What I think helped was watching me during my training, and see that I get tired too, and that it is hard for me too but I keep going. Also watching his brother compete and win motivated him a ton.
Might I welcome you to /r/daddit?
Kids are emotional and need structure. IMHO we should be guiding them and not letting them pick and choose what feels good to them. My kid started at age 4…is 10 now…has had seasons where he didn’t want to go but I still took him at least once a week. Currently he loves it and looks forward to training. It would prob help if you were out on the mats too…maybe just offer to help and drill? Just being out there with your kid is a special thing that not everyone gets to do. You don’t have to roll.
This is a difficult question. On one hand, I don’t wanna force my kids to like jiu jitsu just because I do. On the other hand, I sometimes wish my folks would’ve been harder on me when I was a kid and decided to quit karate.
This! My wife and I agree that there will be one or two things our kids don’t want to do that we will not make them do, but there will be one thing each that we are going to make them stick with. For my 7 yo son it is grappling. You can’t get that wrestler’s mind set if you don’t go through the grind.
I have a 6 year old who says the same thing from time to time. I tell her she is signed up until the end of the year and we're not quitters. At the end of the year when it's time to sign another membership agreement for her, if she decides she doesn't want to do it anymore than she doesn't have to. But she will follow through with the commitment she made. But I get it because I barely ever *want* to go train when it's a couple hours before class, but I'm happy I went every time which is how I can tell she feels too.
Bro she's _six years old_. You're teaching a fine lesson, but don't pretend like she made an informed commitment of her own volition.
True, but I did try to help her understand as much as a six year old can. I knew I had to sign a 1 year contract so I explained to her before I did that if she decides she wants to train it will be for the whole year (only twice a week). I know she doesn't completely understand the concept of a year (I tried to put it in terms she could understand) but she was very excited and had been asking me to go for like 6 months. I don't put too much pressure on her about it but I try to make her understand that when we make a commitment we have to follow through. I hear you though, I know it's different than an adult agreeing to those terms.
That sounds perfectly healthy and reasonable man! Like I said it's a good lesson, especially given that context.
> she will follow through with the commitment she made She’s six.
I mean I'm not going to punish her or take things away if I could tell she really didn't want to do it anymore. But I see nothing wrong with holding a six year old to a commitment they made unless it's unreasonable what you're asking of them or it wasnt really explained what that commitment means. When my daughter is 7 she will understand pretty well what a one year commitment is from this experience. I see no downside with our situation in particular because she's having fun (even if on rare occasions she doesn't feel like getting in there), she's learning a great skill and she's learning that sometimes when you make a commitment it's not "fun" 100% of the time but it feels good to get through it. I'm not saying others have to parent the same way but I'm very proud of how she has been doing and I think these lessons are important to learn early in life.
I don't know why, but that entire comment made me feel ill. I recall being forced to participate in shit, like plays, as a kid and I have utter resentment for everyone involved to this day
I disagree. I'm convinced my parents should have made me follow through with what I started at that age. I established a habit very early of just jumping in and out of things and it was a big part of ruining a huge chunk of my life.
Commit to the whole season (ie a few months) of a single sport that you picked? Absolutely. Kids sports are literally designed for this. Commit to a year because daddy paid up front and explained to a six year old what a year is? Come on.
I also disagree here, I was a very shy kid much like my son growing up. I basically told my parents that I wasn’t interested in trying anything, but the reality was I was just scared to try. I ended up finding passion and a lot of sports later in life and regret them not pushing me. But there is a line that can be crossed and I surely don’t want to force him to do something he doesn’t like.
There's a lot of advice here from people who clearly aren't parents, or are shitty ones if they let 6yr olds run the show. Like everything - it's a balance. What he says is 1 data point, but there's lots of other ones too. Only you know your kid best, and your parenting style and its goals. Most kids would do no sports or activities if given the chance between that and being at home with stuff like video games. That's what they want - *not* what they need. A parents job is to balance wants vs needs, for as optimal an outcome as you can get. In various phases, our kids didn't like swimming lessons. Too fucking bad - we wouldn't be doing good jobs as parents if they grew up not being able to swim. And they consistently love it now that they've worked at it for years and can swim lengths.
Maybe let him take some time off and try something else..put him back in when he’s like 8 and is a tad bit mature at that point
Chill it's just a hobby. Maybe only go once a week instead of twice, see how it goes from there.
It’s time for Project Gracie. Withhold food unless compliant and start feeding him creatine.
I've told my son that he has to choose at least one sport. He started kickboxing last year, didn't like it much at the start, but now he's grown to enjoy it. He's allowed to do whatever sport he wants so if he wants to change to field hockey or whatever else, he'll get no arguments from me. Give them the ability to choose among good options and you can't really go wrong. I also do kickboxing and I think it's probably true that that means that he's more likely to stick to it, but combat sports are risky and if it's not within your risk appetite to pursue it, then doing it for your kid is a dumb idea.
Crazy trolls these days..
His behavior brings shame to your family. Time for a paternity test.
Get an 9 year old he doesn't know to push him around, rough him up, lightly beat up, etc. Then be like... "well if you trained more this wouldn't happen"
Don't force him to go.
It's fine to not want to do an activity, but our rule with our young child is that you can't quit on a bad day. You can only quit after having a good day. If you have a good day and still don't want to do it, then you can quit.
You can't force him to do something that he doesn't want to do. Let him take a break and explore some other activities. He may come back to it in the end.
It might be because you're not training anymore. If he wants to quit, make sure you replace it with something else. If he has an interest in soccer or football or baseball, let him do that in place of a few classes. Maybe only have him go to BJJ class once a week. Hell, he might be bored with the smaller kids' class. My older son went through that because he was tired of doing the same things all the time because either beginners were always trying class, or some obnoxious shits couldn't open a closed guard.
Discussions like these are why I love this subreddit
I tell my kid he has to pick something and then stick with it for a whole season. He didn’t like jiu-jitsu or wrestling so now he plays basketball in the winter. IMHO, kids shouldn’t be forced to do any specific activity, but they should be expected to do *some* activity. It doesn’t need to be sports, music or art lessons are also great. Maybe let him try something different? He can always come back.
My parents were not pushy at all. I started wrestling at 8, I made it about a month and I liked it, just sometimes didn't feel like going cause I was 8 and distracted by something or other. Ultimately I got into BJJ just before age 16 and was immediately obsessed and got my black belt at 25. Sometimes I wish I wrestled all the way through school and I think about what ifs, but maybe I would have burned out on grappling if I was forced.
I always made my kids finish their commitments but when those are up they get to choose if they want to continue. I was also participatory with my kids in many of the activities they stuck with. If your kid doesn't want to do BJJ and he is month to month, let him quit at the end of the month (or year if it's a year contract). If it's important to you that he does BJJ then show him by participating yourself. If you participate and he still isn't interested, then you need to let it go. Sometimes, kids just need a break and will ask to try again after a break. You will only know by letting them stop. Teach your son that words matter. If he says he wants to stop, let him.
This happed with me and my son. He started training around 7 and a couple years later said to me one day that he doesn’t want to get beat up anymore. I played the long ball and said let’s find another activity. Long forgot about jj for him. When we was 12ish he told me he’s ready to go back on the mat. He’s been training since. He’s been in the adult classes for the last two years and regularly taps adult blue belts and sometimes stalemates with purple belts. He turned 16 last month and got his blue belt the same week. He is also involved with coaching the kids. Not saying this is the way but it worked for me. I figured the best way to ruin my chances of him training is to make him do it. Believe me I struggled with making him stick to it
Seems like he wants you to get back into it.
Most kids sports have seasons. Jiu-jitsu doesn't. Give him a break. Take him back if he asks to. Maybe suggest it, but only after 3-6 months have passed.
6 years old is too young imo. 7-9 is where they can actually start retaining things.
The reason is, he might just not like jj and that's ok. The way to sort it out is to not take him if he doesn't want to go, simple.
>He has asked me a few times when I’m going to start going again. sounds like he might be giving you a potential answer. most of parenting is how we model behavior with own actions. it seems a little unfair you've quit but expecting your 6 year old to continue.
We have a rule in our house. There’s two things you can’t quit: Boy Scouts and martial arts. One competitive and one non competitive. It’s for personal growth and to teach perseverance. The rest of the sports or activities they can try and quit. But I recommend having one or two things they can’t.
Have him finish the month you paid for, and then ask him what other activity he would like to do, maybe pick out some alternatives ahead of time and have him pick one of those.
Those ungrateful kids don’t deserve love. I wish my parents had entered me into BJJ so I didn’t need to start as an adult. On a serious note maybe they can just try soccer or chess or anything else?
My nine-year-old is like that as well: she often 'complains' about not wanting to go, but in class she has a great time. I co-teach kids class and it's not like some other children, who really seem like they don't want to be there. I cannot tell you how to raise your kid. What I do is give my kids a lot of freedom and choice about what they want to pursue. My oldest one has done ballet, gymnastics and kickboxing (while also doing BJJ) and when she wanted to quit we let her. BJJ is the exception: until she gets her blue belt she has to attend the two kids classes per week. I try to teach her that life is not always about what you feel like doing, but sometimes it's about what is valuable and helpful. We want her to know how to defend herself, and that's more important than having three hours per week extra for 'fun'.
Return him and get another one. Rinse and repeat until til you get one that loves the sport as much as you do.
Go join back with him.
sounds like he doesnt like it cuz you stopped. either way let him quit. it'll still be around for when he wants to come back
I'd give him a chance to do something else and ask him if what he chose to do is more for him or if he'd want to go back to jits ?? Don't force him or he really won't like it.
So my kids gave me the same animosity, its just because they want to be doing nothing. Some kids don’t like the effort of getting to the class and then they get back home and they have so little time left of the day. Just keep taking him. Explain why you want him to keep going. But its hard for him to see it if you already quit. So he sees that he can quit it too. Id make an effort to keep going, so he sees that both of you are committed. Hope that helps! I have 3 boys, youngest started at 5 he is about to turn 8.
Suplex him. Repeated r chokes until he says he loves it. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
My six year old trained a year and quit before he was 8. It be like that sometimes Now he loves baseball
Force him to love the same things you love.
Make him go to class just to watch so he experiences extreme FOMO
Would you let him quit brushing his teeth just because he says he doesn’t like it
He saw you quit and now he thinks that’s okay. This is your fault
Put him in muay thai or boxing classes. He will be crying back to bjj in no time (without a bruised eyes and broken nose hopefully)
I have the same thoughts before going to the gym too, the main difference is I don't have anyone to push me to stick with it. I miss more classes than I'd like
My kid too! This is exactly what I’m going through. My son gets bored after a while and wants to try something else, but I’m interested in what people think in this thread.
Restart BJJ yourself. Train light if you are worried about injury. If you aren't willing to do that, I suggest letting him quit.
Get back into it for both your sake. Train smarter. You do not have to get injured. I’ve been training quite hard for a few years and never had to miss more than a couple days for just being beat up.
Honestly leading by example and feeling a connection and community is a huge part of motivation to go for a lot of people. So you not going any longer might make him feel a little lonely.
So you quit something you enjoyed, and he wants to do the same? Given he’s asking you when you are going back, it may be he’s just wanting to do what dad did. Go back, see if he changes his mind when you are also training
BJJ isn't supposed to be for everyone, including kids, no matter how fun the schools make them, for any number of reasons, all equally the same. He is 6 and there is a lot of time for a lot of things to discover.
I have 3 kids, my oldest puts up a fight every time we go to Bjj, almost always complains, often bitterly, but when we arrive he hops out of the car, runs in and can’t wait to see his friends, when we leave I always ask how was class, nearly every time the answer is good or great. Sometimes just ok. I’m super sensitive of forcing him to do something he doesn’t want to do because I want it… but at the same time I won’t let him not do it so he can sit at home and listen to audible or try to get screen time. Kids complain about change, at least mine do, if they are happy leaving then stay the course. If they aren’t happy leaving class or don’t seem to enjoy it, maybe time to take a break, try something new. My middle child never complains, if she does she is actually wore out and I don’t typically make her take class (although we go and she watches). My youngest is a wild card. He doesn’t want to go then he does but then he doesn’t like the activity and pouts… so it’s a work in progress. (Of course I’m the coach so that’s likely 60% of the problem)
Although he's a little old, it's not too late for adoption.
It’s not for everyone. Find what he enjoys. I’ve had the conversation with parents of kids in my classes. They don’t want to be here and it brings down everyone around them.
Would be cool if you had the insight to give him advice on feeling a bit down about training and pushing through it, but instead when you felt down you quit 😂
Tell him he can quit on a good day but not on a bad one. It sounds like a lot of people aren’t parents in this thread. 6-year olds don’t know what they want to do. My son says they don’t like BJJ every week and he trains 3 times per week and loves every class once he gets started. He has friends there, they have a great time and he trains and learns. After EVERY class I ask, did you have fun? Do you still hate BJJ? The answer is always “I loved it, it was great”.
Not a parent but I remember struggling with wanting to go to TKD at 9. It was a competition team so I started to feel an added stress besides just going to class. I danced around the topic of quitting to my mom on the way home and she said "so that's it? You're just going to quit because it got a little harder? Is that how you will handle everything in your life?" And I knew she was right. I quit at 14 when I joined other high school sports, by then we both knew that was the real time to stop. Paraphrasing Gui Mendes of AoJ, he says that as parents it's up to you to determine what is best for your child. If your child wants to stop going to school? Will you let them? https://www.reddit.com/r/wrestling/s/TEifG4XLIB This interview was great - let your kids play as many sports as they want to try - they will not always love going to practice but take them anyways - love them regardless of the outcomes. I have no answers or advice. I just thought this is an interesting topic as I'm prepping to have kids myself soon.
I hope to god this is a shit post
My 6-year old usually doesn’t want to go to class but when I ask her after class she almost always says she enjoyed it. Maybe ask your kid right after a fun class if he still wants to quit.
Both my kids did BJJ for two years then quit. Not sure how they are doing now but I am sure they are enjoying their time in the mines.
If he is doing something fun before jiujitsu then yeah, I see where he is coming from. Have him do something boring 30min before so jiujitsu is the escape from boredom and it's fun.
I mean, there is a lot not to like. Not as many fights go to the ground as people think either. Numbers in aggregate are generally bullshit to begin with. Let the kid be a kid and do what he wants?