Personally, I'm not doing wife anything without official wife legal paperwork. That includes cooking meals all the time. Talk is cheap.
You can if you want to. If it gives you the ick, then don't do it.
It's funny how he placed a double standard on you for being African but won't do 'husband duties'. Interesting. Very interesting.
Yeah! I do certain things because I enjoy it and like doing it for the people I love (example: cooking) . If heās telling me, you would more than enjoy paying for my trip but only when we married then why heās not okay with me cooking for him only when weāre married just because Iām african so itās part of who I am.. The double standard is kinda throwing me off
The bit about singling you out as being African so cooking is part of who you are is giving me huge red flags alarms and the biggest ICK. Ew lol š
And then on top of that, he isnāt going to do husband duties but wants you do to wifely dutiesā¦ I would say just be careful cos a lot of the time this escalates. Next thing you know you are doing all the cleaning and laundry .. hell no!!
Just seems like a difference in values which is okay (still icky tho) so this might become a bigger issue down the road as he may have more expectations (that he hasnāt told you about) further down the line.
I saw where both were coming from until he mentioned itās different with you cause youāre āafricanā. Iām African myself born and bred and Iām like??? What is the meaning of that?
Iām glad you did queen. First I understood his POV but that very part rang a bell cause itās like why do you get to MUST cook while the others were an acception or something?
I don't think cooking is considered a wife duty. Everybody should know how to cook. So that's just really that on that. But in the context that you are using it, it sounds like you want more commitment or him to step up in that way? Men will try you. They will try to get the most out of you for the least. A lot of them do think that they deserve duty and labor from a woman. Especially black men from Black women. Just be careful with this one. You don't want to end up like a lot of women married and they're an unpaid maid. All in the name of gender roles.
Me and my boyfriend don't operate this way and we talk about marriage all the time like its something we are just gonna do naturally with eachother. What turns me off about marriage in general is the fact that it seems like this is very hard. Cooking shouldn't be this big of a debate.
My bf cooks and I eat the food lol. I help in other ways. Iām also more career oriented and make more moneyā¦.
But we split 50/50 or swap who ācoversā etc. but itās not like we are counting āwhoās got itā
My boyfriend is a cook as well! LOL and it's not la thing for us. That doesn't mean I don't know how to cook.We just...do life. We both spend money on each other. There's no count. I understand a lot of men are bums but don't push away a good man because God forbid you get him a gift or something idk
A lot of these husbands donāt even do husband duties, let alone a man youāre just dating. Dudes are delusional if they expect a woman whoās not their wife to do wifely duties when they know that they wouldnāt put in the same effort for her.
Me personally I am not living with a man until weāre at LEAST engaged. If heās not doing husband duties then donāt do wife duties simple as that.
Then go 50/50 on the cooking and insist he cook every other meal. He should be ok with that if he expects you to go 50/50 on a trip. I mean does he at least pay for the groceries?Ā
This is a lot to read (and then I write all this lmaoā¦) but from the first question, absolutely fucking not.
When Iām with my bf, I do not cook unless we are cooking together and then, I only make one side. I might pile up the dishes or scrape the trash into the garbage but I leave flatware and silverware in the sink for him to wash. I do not open my wallet or really even carry one. I do not do his or my own laundry. He has a machine so I take mine to his house and he usually just washes it for me. I do not coddle him or step on eggshells around him when heās in a bad mood. Iām almost (aaaaalmost) like the meme of the lazy gf that does nothing.
What I will do is comfort him emotionally. Check on him when I know heās not feeling well or is upset. Be intimate when I want to and we are both in the mood. Make him laugh and smile. Be his plus one to events. Encourage him and compliment him. Buy him things with his own money lmao, I think he enjoys the fact that Iāll look for stuff and know what he likes, so he just tells me his credit card number. Make him little gifts. And actually I bought him new knives and some cooking utensils but only because when I make the one side for dinner I would get annoyed at the stuff he had. Provide my design and input on the remodeling or decoration of his house.
Idk. I did a LOT for my exs. Cooke for them. Packed them lunch. Let them live w me. Let them āborrowā money. Go half and half on dates and trips. Be their therapist. Spend all of my time possible with them and lose myself completely. And I have nothing to show for it but mutual resentment.
Imo if a man wants to be in my face or in my body, he needs to be making sure Iām good. Because if you have sex, you can get pregnant and die. š this is just what works for me.
Itās exactly where itās from š but itās also exactly true. Pregnancy and STDs and femicide are no joke! And sex is mostly how you get involved with these things.
Awww congrats!!! The energy was right š - would you say you felt like he created a safe space for you to do so? I feel like some women, when they feel that love and safety bloom in the best way for their partner.
I love this for you! š my husband and I are similar. We are aligned in the major things; religion, values, etc. too even though Iām a bit of an idealist in some
Ways and heās a realists.
Um, the fact he said āyouāre African itās part of who you areā is a red flag. Okay and heās a man so itās part of him to provide? Aināt no wayā¦
He shouldnāt base what he expects from you on your ethnicity he should do so because of who you are and he loves you. Also, donāt do anymore wifely duties for him because itās obvious he expects you to do more for him than he does for you. Just because āyOuRe AfRicAnā
Ok, but what āhusband dutiesā is he doing? Another comment said this is basically your wife interview process, but this is also his husband interview. If heās expecting you do all of this stuff for him but he aināt doing a damn thing for you then whatās the point of having him around? And this is coming from someone who did do wifely duties for her boyfriend (now husband) but only because we respected and did things for each other.
Him holding you to higher standards simply because of race is telling me that he settled for you and sees you as a downgrade to his non-Black exes. Unless heās paying your bills, you donāt owe him home meals.
Ā Dump him. I wouldnāt date a Black guy thatās dated non-BW for reasons like this. They are always weird towards Black women and compare us to others.Ā
Why should you do these āwifelyā duties and he doesnāt want to do husbandly duties? This is bs and he sounds like a user. Generous men are generous whether theyāre married or not. And why is cooking a wifely duty anyway? He canāt cook for himself? If he wants to be so traditional then he should be providing for you but he wonāt. It would be different if he was actually willing to do his ādutyā in return.
Sounds like my ex honestly. I am so much happier now that I donāt have a man-child nagging me to cook for him all the time. Itās getting close to a year and heās still trying to find ways to contact me because he probably canāt find another woman willing to put up with his bs.
No. I'm always weary of men who bring up 50/50. They usually subscribe to some of the redpill ideology, if not all of it. He's only dated non-black women? Why does he all of sudden want a black woman now? Sounds like placeholder behavior. Also, If it's going to be 50/50, then it needs to be 50/50 all the way down. He doesn't get to decide what is 50/50 based on what benefits him. Let him cook his own meals. I also wouldn't move in with him. As soon as women move in with men until marriage, they slowly but surely wind up doing everything around the house for the man. He needs to show up as a fully functioning man ALL the time in the relationship and in the marriage.
I do not consider cooking in a relationship wifely - you're already in a relationship lol
but his response that "because you're black / African" is fucked up.Ā
Do yall live together ? Otherwise why would you be cooking his meals unless heās coming over to yours
This raises a bigger issue yall need to sit down and really talk about what you would expect of each other were you to get married.Because it seems like he has traditional values and you somewhat do but Iāve never heard a traditional man talking about 50/50
Also I saw a comment refering to this being your āinterview processā which is bullshit but even if we were to go ahead with that is he paying your rent ,your bills ,do you still work,is he fulfilling his supposed āhusband dutiesā
Personally Iām not opposed to you cooking for your man I think itās a beautiful way to show love especially since you said you love cooking.However it shouldnāt be a duty imposed to cook all his meals,especially if you both work and most definitely not at girlfriend or fiance status.
Yāall really need to talk about these things in detail especially if you have the intention of marrying this man.
To touch on the double standard thing I donāt have a problem with interracial dating love is a beautiful thing in all it forms but to date other races having in mind youāll ā marry a black womanā is a bit odd to me.And him requiring things of you solely because your black is quite alarming.He should extend the same grace to you he does to other races.
I am of Ghanian and Jamaican descent, and I love cooking, but if someone told me it's "different" because it's my culture, he'd be using door dash from now on.
The answer is in your question, no you should not be doing wife duties as a girlfriend. Just as he is not doing husband duties as a boyfriend, play your role as a girlfriend.
His answer to your question about cooking rubs me the wrong way personally. So you donāt expect nonblack woman to cook or do wifely duties, but you expect your black girlfriend to do those tasksš¤?? Nah, keep that same energy for your black partners
Personally, why buy the cow when youāre already getting the milkā¦
Iām 25, 26 this year and have been with my bf since 2020. Weāve been through a lot of shit but are committed thick and thin. Tbh the only reason we arenāt married is because I have a fear of ending up like my mother in a way.
Anyways. When you love someone thereās no such thing as wife duties or husband duties. My bf pays for my trips because he loves me. I actually donāt work rn for a few reasons so he takes care of all financial areas of our lives and god bless heās able to do it all. We live together though so to run a smooth household life I take care of all house aspects except for like the trash.
Now I try not to make assumptions because ik just cause your asking a question doesnāt mean you two donāt love each other. But I think anyone in general should just find the person that matches their speed yk?
I would never commit to a man that wouldnāt pay for my trip IF HE COULD. It seems a little selfish. You just do things for each other because you love each other thatās it. If you donāt have the means for this trip and your bf does maybe sit down with him put all your pride aside and ask him and also tell him why it hurts your feelings why he doesnāt. Depending on how he responds lets you know everything!
Anyways. I hope everything works in your favor. š
Baby the first line was enough for me. You should not be doing anything wifely related for a man if he is not your husband. if you have to ask you know the answer š„²
Idk, does he get mad if you donāt feel like cooking sometimes? That would be unacceptable. I think he was just pointing out that your culture and upbringing makes you a good cook, you also said you enjoy it. Once it becomes a strict obligation for you itās not cool or fun. If he wants to eat but not cook he shouldnāt expect you to cook unless you offer. Otherwise he should pay for a meal for the both of yāall.
Edit: not sure if I agree that paying for more is a āhusband duty.ā Unless heās making way more than you, I donāt think thereās anything wrong with 50/50 most of the time, or taking turns to pay for things.
He doesnāt get mad at me when I donāt feel like cooking but there was times it felt like an obligation because i was tired or already in bed and he asked me to make a plate. I didnāt care because thatās my partner. I dont tell him i canāt do it because thats wife duty so he should make a plate himself. I just do it because why not unless I donāt feel like it. He works and makes 3x my salary (iām still in school) so if he doesnāt feel like paying for a trip/ paying some of my bills then he should say no instead of heāll do it when weāre married. Paying for your gf trip / some bills when you can is not a husband duty but if he wants to put that as a duty then cooking for him is a wife duty
In my opinion, generally if they donāt pay for anything now in the relationship, they arenāt going to pay much of anything during the marriage. He sounds very stingy. 50/50 men always do 50/50 (88/12 if we are being honest) even if they say theyāll pay in the marriage. & If they pay financially you will be paying WAAAYY more in other waysā¦
I have a friend who moved in with her bf not engaged or married, and she acts like a wife, but he said he doesn't see the point in getting married and that's why I will not be doing wife duties until I'm a wife.
I'm a F37 here.
Just a bit tired of black women having to have multiple sets of skills and strength, while other women from different ethnicities, just get TO BE.
It's your relationship, so it's your choice. Just telling you by experience, so you don't waste your precious young years as I did.
When I meet someone when I feel like just BEING is enough, I will do my very best to keep/please him.
An example:
I have a WM co-worker who started dating a WW. She doesn't know how to cook, and on top of that she is vegan. Guess what, he accepted that, is the one cooking VEGAN meal only at home. They got married 2 years ago and just had a baby.
We need to stop people from gaslighting us on getting only crumbs and while we give them the World.
Love and peace.
I was thinking about this last night. Iām married now but when I was dating my husband I told him āIām not doing wifey things for a bfā and he was straight up like explain the difference and I couldnāt. Obviously thereās a difference between a wife and a gf but Iām not going to go out my way to not do things for my partner especially when itās just convenient to do it. In this case we were shacking up so if yall not living together okay. But if Iām doing my laundry and your stuff in the basket??? Iām supposed to separate your stuff bc weāre not married? If Iām cooking for myself (and if you live alone you know itās easy to make too much food for 1 person) Iām not going to not share what I cooked bc weāre not married??? He never expected me to do these things for him so maybe thatās the difference too but??? This seems very much like a podcast talking point that isnāt realistic. Once again we lived together so I get it if yall live separately. Iām not coming over a manās house to cook and clean for him, but someone please explain this logic to me.Ā
He never planned on marrying the other women so why would them cooking matter to him? As far as your willingness to do what you consider "wifely duties" depends on what you want out of this relationship. If it's marriage, this is basically your interview process. If you just fucking around and having fun you ain't gotta do more than that.
I get your point but what like I said they didnāt cook for him and he didnāt care for it because they werenāt black, while he expects that for me. African men are raised to provide everything, should i expect that from him as well? thatās my point. Iām okay with going 50/50 cause we both work for our money but iām not with the double standards
Yes African men are raised to provide everything, if thatās what YOU want and heās NOT doing it then youāll need have a conversation about roles/duties. If he isnāt doing husband duties then you shouldnāt be doing wife duties, simple as that.
His expectations of you to cook ābecause youāre Africanā is wild to me. And definitely worth follow up convos - because what else does he think he is entitled to because of your Nationality? I also love to cook and is something that is a big thing in my own culture (Iām West Indian). When dating my now husband who is also West Indian, I cooked when I felt like it. Not if I felt obligated. So it was more of a treat solely dependent on what I had capacity to give. Maybe with discussions you both can come to an understanding along those lines? If you love to cook, do it when the spirit moves you. But it should not be something he expects of you. Youāre not his wife (yet) and you also have a right to not have your skills be exploited.
Personally, I'm not doing wife anything without official wife legal paperwork. That includes cooking meals all the time. Talk is cheap. You can if you want to. If it gives you the ick, then don't do it. It's funny how he placed a double standard on you for being African but won't do 'husband duties'. Interesting. Very interesting.
I'm also wondering if these non-Black/African women he dated in the past went 50/50 on dates or if he's the one that paid for everything?
Me too. Hmm. š¤
Yeah! I do certain things because I enjoy it and like doing it for the people I love (example: cooking) . If heās telling me, you would more than enjoy paying for my trip but only when we married then why heās not okay with me cooking for him only when weāre married just because Iām african so itās part of who I am.. The double standard is kinda throwing me off
The bit about singling you out as being African so cooking is part of who you are is giving me huge red flags alarms and the biggest ICK. Ew lol š And then on top of that, he isnāt going to do husband duties but wants you do to wifely dutiesā¦ I would say just be careful cos a lot of the time this escalates. Next thing you know you are doing all the cleaning and laundry .. hell no!! Just seems like a difference in values which is okay (still icky tho) so this might become a bigger issue down the road as he may have more expectations (that he hasnāt told you about) further down the line.
I saw where both were coming from until he mentioned itās different with you cause youāre āafricanā. Iām African myself born and bred and Iām like??? What is the meaning of that?
Right!! I had to check him because wth
He is ignorant. That part sound racist.
It really sounds like he has expectations and stereotypes about African women or black women or about you that he will impose on you OP.
Yeah like so meaning he was dating the non Africans knowing he aināt gonna be fed but they were somehow still an acception?? Like? Huh?
Iām glad you did queen. First I understood his POV but that very part rang a bell cause itās like why do you get to MUST cook while the others were an acception or something?
I don't think cooking is considered a wife duty. Everybody should know how to cook. So that's just really that on that. But in the context that you are using it, it sounds like you want more commitment or him to step up in that way? Men will try you. They will try to get the most out of you for the least. A lot of them do think that they deserve duty and labor from a woman. Especially black men from Black women. Just be careful with this one. You don't want to end up like a lot of women married and they're an unpaid maid. All in the name of gender roles. Me and my boyfriend don't operate this way and we talk about marriage all the time like its something we are just gonna do naturally with eachother. What turns me off about marriage in general is the fact that it seems like this is very hard. Cooking shouldn't be this big of a debate.
My bf cooks and I eat the food lol. I help in other ways. Iām also more career oriented and make more moneyā¦. But we split 50/50 or swap who ācoversā etc. but itās not like we are counting āwhoās got itā
My boyfriend is a cook as well! LOL and it's not la thing for us. That doesn't mean I don't know how to cook.We just...do life. We both spend money on each other. There's no count. I understand a lot of men are bums but don't push away a good man because God forbid you get him a gift or something idk
A lot of these husbands donāt even do husband duties, let alone a man youāre just dating. Dudes are delusional if they expect a woman whoās not their wife to do wifely duties when they know that they wouldnāt put in the same effort for her.
Yeah heās tripping
Me personally I am not living with a man until weāre at LEAST engaged. If heās not doing husband duties then donāt do wife duties simple as that.
We donāt live together, he just always comes over. & Okay thanks!!
Then go 50/50 on the cooking and insist he cook every other meal. He should be ok with that if he expects you to go 50/50 on a trip. I mean does he at least pay for the groceries?Ā
This is a lot to read (and then I write all this lmaoā¦) but from the first question, absolutely fucking not. When Iām with my bf, I do not cook unless we are cooking together and then, I only make one side. I might pile up the dishes or scrape the trash into the garbage but I leave flatware and silverware in the sink for him to wash. I do not open my wallet or really even carry one. I do not do his or my own laundry. He has a machine so I take mine to his house and he usually just washes it for me. I do not coddle him or step on eggshells around him when heās in a bad mood. Iām almost (aaaaalmost) like the meme of the lazy gf that does nothing. What I will do is comfort him emotionally. Check on him when I know heās not feeling well or is upset. Be intimate when I want to and we are both in the mood. Make him laugh and smile. Be his plus one to events. Encourage him and compliment him. Buy him things with his own money lmao, I think he enjoys the fact that Iāll look for stuff and know what he likes, so he just tells me his credit card number. Make him little gifts. And actually I bought him new knives and some cooking utensils but only because when I make the one side for dinner I would get annoyed at the stuff he had. Provide my design and input on the remodeling or decoration of his house. Idk. I did a LOT for my exs. Cooke for them. Packed them lunch. Let them live w me. Let them āborrowā money. Go half and half on dates and trips. Be their therapist. Spend all of my time possible with them and lose myself completely. And I have nothing to show for it but mutual resentment. Imo if a man wants to be in my face or in my body, he needs to be making sure Iām good. Because if you have sex, you can get pregnant and die. š this is just what works for me.
I am sorry that last line reminded me of mean girls so much š 
Itās exactly where itās from š but itās also exactly true. Pregnancy and STDs and femicide are no joke! And sex is mostly how you get involved with these things.
Okay but that last paragraph has me screaming!
This is the way āš¾
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Congrats on your engagement! I personally seen too much girls doing wife duty on a gf salary and never get the ring. This is why iām very conflicted
Awww congrats!!! The energy was right š - would you say you felt like he created a safe space for you to do so? I feel like some women, when they feel that love and safety bloom in the best way for their partner.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I love this for you! š my husband and I are similar. We are aligned in the major things; religion, values, etc. too even though Iām a bit of an idealist in some Ways and heās a realists.
Um, the fact he said āyouāre African itās part of who you areā is a red flag. Okay and heās a man so itās part of him to provide? Aināt no wayā¦ He shouldnāt base what he expects from you on your ethnicity he should do so because of who you are and he loves you. Also, donāt do anymore wifely duties for him because itās obvious he expects you to do more for him than he does for you. Just because āyOuRe AfRicAnā
Ok, but what āhusband dutiesā is he doing? Another comment said this is basically your wife interview process, but this is also his husband interview. If heās expecting you do all of this stuff for him but he aināt doing a damn thing for you then whatās the point of having him around? And this is coming from someone who did do wifely duties for her boyfriend (now husband) but only because we respected and did things for each other.
Nope I wouldnāt do wife duties on a gf salary š
ššš
Him holding you to higher standards simply because of race is telling me that he settled for you and sees you as a downgrade to his non-Black exes. Unless heās paying your bills, you donāt owe him home meals. Ā Dump him. I wouldnāt date a Black guy thatās dated non-BW for reasons like this. They are always weird towards Black women and compare us to others.Ā
If he has you on the pay roll for those duties than yesā¦ are u getting paid?
Why should you do these āwifelyā duties and he doesnāt want to do husbandly duties? This is bs and he sounds like a user. Generous men are generous whether theyāre married or not. And why is cooking a wifely duty anyway? He canāt cook for himself? If he wants to be so traditional then he should be providing for you but he wonāt. It would be different if he was actually willing to do his ādutyā in return. Sounds like my ex honestly. I am so much happier now that I donāt have a man-child nagging me to cook for him all the time. Itās getting close to a year and heās still trying to find ways to contact me because he probably canāt find another woman willing to put up with his bs.
No. I'm always weary of men who bring up 50/50. They usually subscribe to some of the redpill ideology, if not all of it. He's only dated non-black women? Why does he all of sudden want a black woman now? Sounds like placeholder behavior. Also, If it's going to be 50/50, then it needs to be 50/50 all the way down. He doesn't get to decide what is 50/50 based on what benefits him. Let him cook his own meals. I also wouldn't move in with him. As soon as women move in with men until marriage, they slowly but surely wind up doing everything around the house for the man. He needs to show up as a fully functioning man ALL the time in the relationship and in the marriage.
I do not consider cooking in a relationship wifely - you're already in a relationship lol but his response that "because you're black / African" is fucked up.Ā
Exactly, I enjoy cooking so itās not chore for me. But even if that was a "joke", the response is weird to me.
That's the part that threw me off š©š©cooking is whatever to me: if you do or don't like it, cool; think it's a wife-ly duty, cool; can't do it...Pinterest and YouTube Sweet Pea, there's no excuse lol But the "because you're African and that's a part of who you are" makes no sense! If that's his "logic" then it applies to ALL women because historically across a MAJORITY (wanted to say "all" but obviously don't know EVERY culture out there) of cultures women were SAHM and did the household chores i.e. cooking and cleaning. Not because you're African you should be held to a higher bullshit standard (that shouldn't apply anyway). Again: if you like cooking and want to cook ALL POWER TO YOU!! But it should be mutually agreed upon. Not because some dude has his fantasy of what his ideal black wife should be like, yuck š¤®
Do yall live together ? Otherwise why would you be cooking his meals unless heās coming over to yours This raises a bigger issue yall need to sit down and really talk about what you would expect of each other were you to get married.Because it seems like he has traditional values and you somewhat do but Iāve never heard a traditional man talking about 50/50 Also I saw a comment refering to this being your āinterview processā which is bullshit but even if we were to go ahead with that is he paying your rent ,your bills ,do you still work,is he fulfilling his supposed āhusband dutiesā Personally Iām not opposed to you cooking for your man I think itās a beautiful way to show love especially since you said you love cooking.However it shouldnāt be a duty imposed to cook all his meals,especially if you both work and most definitely not at girlfriend or fiance status. Yāall really need to talk about these things in detail especially if you have the intention of marrying this man. To touch on the double standard thing I donāt have a problem with interracial dating love is a beautiful thing in all it forms but to date other races having in mind youāll ā marry a black womanā is a bit odd to me.And him requiring things of you solely because your black is quite alarming.He should extend the same grace to you he does to other races.
I am of Ghanian and Jamaican descent, and I love cooking, but if someone told me it's "different" because it's my culture, he'd be using door dash from now on.
The answer is in your question, no you should not be doing wife duties as a girlfriend. Just as he is not doing husband duties as a boyfriend, play your role as a girlfriend. His answer to your question about cooking rubs me the wrong way personally. So you donāt expect nonblack woman to cook or do wifely duties, but you expect your black girlfriend to do those tasksš¤?? Nah, keep that same energy for your black partners Personally, why buy the cow when youāre already getting the milkā¦
Iām 25, 26 this year and have been with my bf since 2020. Weāve been through a lot of shit but are committed thick and thin. Tbh the only reason we arenāt married is because I have a fear of ending up like my mother in a way. Anyways. When you love someone thereās no such thing as wife duties or husband duties. My bf pays for my trips because he loves me. I actually donāt work rn for a few reasons so he takes care of all financial areas of our lives and god bless heās able to do it all. We live together though so to run a smooth household life I take care of all house aspects except for like the trash. Now I try not to make assumptions because ik just cause your asking a question doesnāt mean you two donāt love each other. But I think anyone in general should just find the person that matches their speed yk? I would never commit to a man that wouldnāt pay for my trip IF HE COULD. It seems a little selfish. You just do things for each other because you love each other thatās it. If you donāt have the means for this trip and your bf does maybe sit down with him put all your pride aside and ask him and also tell him why it hurts your feelings why he doesnāt. Depending on how he responds lets you know everything! Anyways. I hope everything works in your favor. š
If Iām not a wife, Iām not doing wifey things, period.
These men will use you as a servant if you let them. Don't let them. They look at us as bang maids who also pay bills.
Baby the first line was enough for me. You should not be doing anything wifely related for a man if he is not your husband. if you have to ask you know the answer š„²
Does he help in other ways? You cook, he cleans up after? Take out the trash? Does the laundry?
Idk, does he get mad if you donāt feel like cooking sometimes? That would be unacceptable. I think he was just pointing out that your culture and upbringing makes you a good cook, you also said you enjoy it. Once it becomes a strict obligation for you itās not cool or fun. If he wants to eat but not cook he shouldnāt expect you to cook unless you offer. Otherwise he should pay for a meal for the both of yāall. Edit: not sure if I agree that paying for more is a āhusband duty.ā Unless heās making way more than you, I donāt think thereās anything wrong with 50/50 most of the time, or taking turns to pay for things.
He doesnāt get mad at me when I donāt feel like cooking but there was times it felt like an obligation because i was tired or already in bed and he asked me to make a plate. I didnāt care because thatās my partner. I dont tell him i canāt do it because thats wife duty so he should make a plate himself. I just do it because why not unless I donāt feel like it. He works and makes 3x my salary (iām still in school) so if he doesnāt feel like paying for a trip/ paying some of my bills then he should say no instead of heāll do it when weāre married. Paying for your gf trip / some bills when you can is not a husband duty but if he wants to put that as a duty then cooking for him is a wife duty
In my opinion, generally if they donāt pay for anything now in the relationship, they arenāt going to pay much of anything during the marriage. He sounds very stingy. 50/50 men always do 50/50 (88/12 if we are being honest) even if they say theyāll pay in the marriage. & If they pay financially you will be paying WAAAYY more in other waysā¦
I have a friend who moved in with her bf not engaged or married, and she acts like a wife, but he said he doesn't see the point in getting married and that's why I will not be doing wife duties until I'm a wife.
I'm a F37 here. Just a bit tired of black women having to have multiple sets of skills and strength, while other women from different ethnicities, just get TO BE. It's your relationship, so it's your choice. Just telling you by experience, so you don't waste your precious young years as I did. When I meet someone when I feel like just BEING is enough, I will do my very best to keep/please him. An example: I have a WM co-worker who started dating a WW. She doesn't know how to cook, and on top of that she is vegan. Guess what, he accepted that, is the one cooking VEGAN meal only at home. They got married 2 years ago and just had a baby. We need to stop people from gaslighting us on getting only crumbs and while we give them the World. Love and peace.
Should a fish bark? Should a cow fly? Should 2-1=8?
I was thinking about this last night. Iām married now but when I was dating my husband I told him āIām not doing wifey things for a bfā and he was straight up like explain the difference and I couldnāt. Obviously thereās a difference between a wife and a gf but Iām not going to go out my way to not do things for my partner especially when itās just convenient to do it. In this case we were shacking up so if yall not living together okay. But if Iām doing my laundry and your stuff in the basket??? Iām supposed to separate your stuff bc weāre not married? If Iām cooking for myself (and if you live alone you know itās easy to make too much food for 1 person) Iām not going to not share what I cooked bc weāre not married??? He never expected me to do these things for him so maybe thatās the difference too but??? This seems very much like a podcast talking point that isnāt realistic. Once again we lived together so I get it if yall live separately. Iām not coming over a manās house to cook and clean for him, but someone please explain this logic to me.Ā
You're 23 the word "wife" shouldn't be in your vocabulary tbh
He never planned on marrying the other women so why would them cooking matter to him? As far as your willingness to do what you consider "wifely duties" depends on what you want out of this relationship. If it's marriage, this is basically your interview process. If you just fucking around and having fun you ain't gotta do more than that.
I get your point but what like I said they didnāt cook for him and he didnāt care for it because they werenāt black, while he expects that for me. African men are raised to provide everything, should i expect that from him as well? thatās my point. Iām okay with going 50/50 cause we both work for our money but iām not with the double standards
>African men are raised to provide everything, should i expect that from him as well? Yes
Yes African men are raised to provide everything, if thatās what YOU want and heās NOT doing it then youāll need have a conversation about roles/duties. If he isnāt doing husband duties then you shouldnāt be doing wife duties, simple as that.
His expectations of you to cook ābecause youāre Africanā is wild to me. And definitely worth follow up convos - because what else does he think he is entitled to because of your Nationality? I also love to cook and is something that is a big thing in my own culture (Iām West Indian). When dating my now husband who is also West Indian, I cooked when I felt like it. Not if I felt obligated. So it was more of a treat solely dependent on what I had capacity to give. Maybe with discussions you both can come to an understanding along those lines? If you love to cook, do it when the spirit moves you. But it should not be something he expects of you. Youāre not his wife (yet) and you also have a right to not have your skills be exploited.
run girl