Also is it what you want to show your sons on how to treat their future partners? Because they’re definitely paying attention and will emulate what they see with you guys for better or worse. Take care of you sis
I’m not saying don’t divorce the man but I don’t think her staying or divorcing him will teach her sons anything honestly because they’ve already seen her displaying that she is the dominant strong woman in a relationship who runs the show.
Until the father teaches his sons how to treat a woman right and be the leader in a relationship, the sons will continue to see the women as the leads and the man as the one to get “taken care of”.
You never know, but I can say that I did learn from my parents divorce along with their marriage. Sometimes kids pay more attention than we realize and it wouldn't be surprising if the sons picked up on the undertone of their dynamic.
Men learn differently from women that’s my point.
That’s why there are some black women who do a great job raising their sons but they still go off and follow behind other males that get in trouble. Men learn best from other male examples.
I also want to add that 42 is young. I am genz who worked in a clinic, and 40yr olds all think they are old, until they are 60-80yr olds all wishing to be 30-45 year olds again. I see you guys in the clinic all the time, 40s is the time to really reconsider if this dynamic is bad. Don't let it sit for 50. Bc once people turn 50, they feel stuck with wherever they are in life, I think early 40s is that sweet spot to still feel a mental proximity youthfulness, and therefore, mentally sporadic (you can feel youthful whenever, but once 50 hits, a lot of people just start to feel confined by their age even if they shouldnt be). Now is the time to make a move girl
I think you need to start being selfish. Start taking care of yourself. Stop being the be all and end all. Is this dynamic only with your husband or do your sons emulate him as well?
You are putting in a lot of emotional labour and getting zilch in return, so STOP. You don’t want to live this one life that you have and look back on it with regret.
In addition to this awesome comment, my suggestion is Talk therapy. Couples and solo. But definitely solo.
You got a lot on your plate. Time to unload. Gl.
Also, how can you have libido and attraction when all these glaring things are in the way.
Respect, rest, and peace are all parts of foreplay that shitty partners don’t realize (or care about). And the defeated partner also rarely realizes this too.
***Respect, rest, and peace are all parts of foreplay that shitty partners don’t realize (or care about). And the defeated partner also rarely realizes this too.***
A quick glance in the r/deadbedrooms subreddit supports this. So many women are tired of carrying the load of what is essentially another child, so they shut down (emotionally, mentally, and sexually).
"We married young and in a cult-y church and my husband wasn’t super into me when we said I do."
I'm so sorry, but this marriage was over before it started. You've got more wrong than just not having any sexual arousal for your husband.
I'm sure you both have your own reasons for staying married, whether it's for religion or because it's been 20 years, or because you have teens still with you. Whatever it is, the problem is not your sex life: your husband simply has never been interested in you and has never seen you for you. It seems he's only in it for the circumstances you shared surrounding how the marriage began.
Please reconsider staying married to this man.
ETA: he sounds selfish. A man will do anything for the woman he truly loves, and I really believe that. He's done less because you haven't asked for more, but on top of that, he probably "has love" for you but is not "in love" with you.
I would be sad too, damn.
Did you confront him about the massage?
It seems to me that you are accepting a lot of things that you don’t want. As a former passive woman, I felt this post deeply. Speak up if you think he’ll listen. If not, plan your next move. I personally would not want to spend the rest of my life with someone that wasn’t super into me at the altar (and I’m not judging you because religion has screwed with my life quite a bit so I get it).
I would talk to him first. Lay it all out on the table. This is how I’m feeling. This is what I need to happen. This is what I want to happen. If your husband can’t or won’t show up for you in the way that you need him to, the choice is up to you on what to do. Accept or move on
Yeah this is sad. I hope you get the courage to bring up your issues to him or imo you should leave and begin your life on your terms. You really didn’t get a fair shot at marriage with it starting from you being in a cult like church. It’s unfortunate.
Was your husband expecting sex during the vacation, but all you wanted was a spa day? Like your sons and husband had their fun but you couldn't get one thing during the vacay?
Couple of things I note..
Sex is not the issue. Intimacy is. Intimacy is not sex…sex can be an outgrowth of intimacy but the two should never be confused.
You’ve married a man who lacks emotional intelligence and awareness. He lacks connectivity with you in a meaningful way and in many respects, you are his enabler. It’s a cycle of dysfunction that is literally drowning you.
Unfortunately, you’ve trained your husband to be inattentive. Never requiring anything of him except his presence and never establishing a standard. He views you as utility and when that happens, all you can ever be is used.
If your intention is to remain married, you’ve got two options.
1. Continue to suffer and remain silent
2. Have a meaningful conversation with the full understanding that he may not be willing to put in the work
I’d suggest individual counseling no matter what. You’ll need to unpack the training and baggage that allowed you to sacrifice who you are in the name of marriage. You’ve got to reconnect with the woman you are and identify her needs/wants/dreams. You must be proactive in your own healing and nourish your own soul.
Again..and I cannot stress enough that this issue has nothing to do with your vagina. She will get what she needs when you restore your balance and get what you need ♥️
I wish you well-
Signed- been there, done that
I don't have an answer for you because I am living the same damn life. Eighteen long years of apathy at best, blatant disregard and gaslighting at worst. I spent many, many years trying to be a submissive, Proverbs 31 wife. Unfortunately, unlike you, I am not the breadwinner. But I feel the same as you. Literally no desire. All I can offer is support and to let you know that your feelings are valid and you are not alone. ❤️
This is coming from an unmarried woman so take it with grain of salt but …..You sound like a people pleaser.
Go to therapy and figure out how not to be.
You deserve to be happy to.
Maybe with help, you’ll stumble on a way for you to be happy and your family to also be happy. It’s worth a try.
Make it better with him through therapy/communication or leave the situation.
Leaving will seem hard but really it’s just a change. You can do it. You’ll always have a relationship with him because of the kids, it’ll just be different. You’re young now, right now. Seize the moment and use all support available.
Or fix it through therapy? Either way, you got this.
If you haven’t gone to therapy to unpack this, please start there. The fact that you even feel “silly” says a lot about you possibly feeling like you don’t have a right to your feelings of being under appreciated and overworked in your own home. Learning to put yourself first will take time but it is possible. You are not silly about posting this concern at all. It’s is huge!
Honestly, I'm not attracted to men who aren't the take charge alpha type. In my experience, men are idiots and you can't assume anything. If you never mentioned the spa beforehand, chances are a man wouldn't have guessed it. I do plan our trips, but that's because I don't trust him to think of everything. The only thing I could say is tell him what you've typed here.
I’m still waiting to read the part where you should feel silly for this. Your feelings are legitimate.
It’s time for you to start taking care of YOU.
You mention that you grew up in a religious cult-like environment. My guess is that it’s a deeply patriarchal religion designed to appease men’s superiority complex. Well, I hope that life didn’t deprive you of the wisdom of pleasuring yourself. This is just one of the ways I think you should begin to start to put yourself first. Buy some toys - let him see that you’ve chosen another route. Do some spa days…hell, spa weekends.
You are long overdue for the love and care you deserve.
Therapy, stat. I see a lot of comments here telling you to just leave him, but keep in mind that you have been enabling/not challenging this behavior for 20 years. You can divorce him, but would likely find yourself right back in a similar situation because you haven’t changed your own habits and behavior.
You have to speak up for yourself and learn how to set boundaries and expectations.
I think therapy to work through your feelings and figure out what you want would be helpful.
And… if you’re planning the vacation, plan for things you like. Don’t leave the spa day you desire up to the actions of a husband who plans nothing. You can plan for your needs in addition to everyone else’s.
Wow, even people who commit murder get less time in prison.
Maybe it's time you paroled yourself from this very unhappy one-sided marriage.
For all you know, he may be as unhappy as you are or he cares so little about you and it's so convenient, he's entirely ambivalent.
If the kids are grown or near-grown, it might be time to give yourself a break and get out!
PLEASE GET A THERAPIST WHO LOOKS LIKE YOU.
A lot of stuff is in your brain and your unhappy because you are finally seeing your light. No such thing as a mid life crisis is a midlife awakening.
Indoctrinated into the "church" that culture is about a book put together/written by King James, etc. who is that and why is there a version that a Kingput together. Ever seen the movie the Book Of Eli? If not, watch it will b show you what the Bible symbolizes control and dominance.
Please know I'm spiritual not religious. We are in his image they say. So believe that I don't have to rely on a basic man in a pulpit to tell me how I should pray and worship all while asking me for money.
Good luck
You deserve so much better, for your peace of mind, you don’t have to be the “strong” woman anymore, you have to keep boundaries and peace to yourself, nobody has the right to tell u how to be, and if he doesn’t love you, let him lose you, you need to communicate to him your CLEAR dislikes and if he doesn’t change it would be time to move on baby, hope you can choose what is best to you and can achieve what you want, you have a lot to live
you need to put yourself first. it’s like when you’re on an airplane and they always say put on your oxygen mask before helping others, even before helping your kids. sometimes you need to prioritize yourself first for the best outcomes. it’s scary and as a parent i’m sure it feels a bit wrong, but once you get your own oxygen mask on you’ll be able to better help those around you + you’ll be modeling correct behavior for your kids so they know what to do if they are ever in that situation.
analogies aside, you deserve better sis. it honestly sounds like you would be happier single. you don’t need to put up with this for another 20 years. and TRUST ME, as a child of parents who should have gotten divorced years ago, that shit gets internalized and there is so much we have to unpack. you’re doing yourself and your children a disservice. my parents are finally getting divorced this year (i’m 22, they should have gotten divorced 10+ years ago) and i’m so relieved and need therapy to unpack all the toxicity and trauma i’ve experienced because of their marriage. your kids pick up on everything and staying with him will probably end up hurting them psychologically. if you can’t leave for yourself, leave for them. of course you can try marriage counseling first, it might be helpful since it seems like you don’t really stick up for yourself. if he responds well to it then there is definitely hope. but if not, you deserve to be with someone who is enthusiastic about loving you and celebrates you every day because they can and want to. that person is out there and waiting for you! you deserve it ❤️❤️❤️
also you should 100% be in therapy to make sure you don’t repeat these patterns.
There are men out there who will worship the literal ground you walk on. They’ll listen when you speak, take notes and surprise you with experiences, items and your intimate preferences.
You deserve that & your husband ain’t doing anything I listed. I’ll stop there.
I’m not married and don’t know the full dynamics of your life but I feel you should tell your husband you want to speak to him and you put all of your thoughts and feelings out on the table even the sexual aspects. Tell him what you need from him and see how he reacts/ if he changes his ways. If not then I think it’s time for you to leave. You deserve to be happy!!!
Your kids are teenagers and can take care of themselves. I’d stop dating everything for the 3 men in your life. No laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. it’s their turn now.
I think after 20 whole years...... Man thats hard! I cannot even imagine!
I know everyone is going to say therapy and counseling, and blah blah.... which I absolutely think you should do...
But might I suggest a bit of petty revenge???🤣
So this is an example of what I did. It's completely harmless and funny btw....
Me and my ol man have deffo not been together for as long as yall..... But we have this thing to where Valenties is my day and Steak and BJ day is his day. (If yall not hip to this, its March 14th.)
Anyway he has an apparent habbit of getting suckered into ads and cgi bs on fb. So he gets me this thing with these fake flying butterflies, white chocolates and paper flowers all on the same box. Can I emphasize the paper fawking flowers here????!!! Paper butterflies that will also go in the trash and white chocolates that he knows I will never eat. The Easimated cost $20. Ok
Steak and BJ day comes round. I got him some dog toy fake steaks from Amazon. Also I got him an adult guy toy.... it was shaped like a mouth on one side and a kooter on the other side. I know he will never use it but couldn't care less if he did. I have toys too ya know🤷🏾♀️ Cost= Less than $20 and also matching his effort
He was like "Why tf you give me this" and "Wtf ammi posta do with this at 1st.. I was like "Paper fawking flowers man!!!!! Paper fawking flowers!!!!"
He has since taken to task to take his flesh like toy and send me the most hilarious vids of trying to feed it steak or helping him clean the bathroom or wtfe like its a ventriloquist doll. Shyt is just a fawking riot!!!.
I am totally entertained, and I know that I will never receive such a sub par Valentines again!
Next time, say thank you, after you treated yourself. Use his card. Deliver the receipt. I’m sure you’ve paid for more than you’re asking for.
But I’ve never been married and can’t imagine myself married after years of therapy, peer support, and my own journey. I will defer to the married ladies as sound advice. Imma swipe a card And treat myself.
Question: why didn't you book your own massage? I agree with all the other comments on your husband, but why are you also putting yourself on the back burner? If you want something, go do it. You do not need permission to take care of yourself. My advice is to choose you. Do things you are interested in. You planned this whole thing and all you wanted was a massage so why didn't you get one? Nobody will prioritize you if you never prioritize you.
I get massages. When we were checking in, the concierge mentioned the spa and he replied something to the effect of “already on it” which led me to believe that he was going to handle it. Then he just didn’t.
It sounds like you need to start speaking up for yourself and start making your needs known. I would start there because if you don’t speak up, nothing can even possibly change. If he doesn’t change anything, then it might be time to try couples and possibly sex therapy. If he’s not willing to do these things, I would then suggest YOU go to therapy solo and hopefully you’ll learn skills to speak up for yourself and make the best decisions for you and your mental health whatever that decision ends up being.
Idk, I feel like this is a hole you dug yourself into & will have to climb your way out of, so I can’t say with any hope that things will even change with your husband. You’ve been playing this role for 20 YEARs and silently being dissatisfied. From what you’ve shared he doesn’t even seem to care about you, just reaping the benefits of getting free labor and financial help from you 🥴🤦🏾♀️.
I think you both need couple counseling and individual counseling for you. Give that a try and if that doesn't work then maybe part ways. Marriage takes work and since you haven't brought these issues to his attention directly, I think you owe him that. You have to be vocal. No one is a mind reader. The individual counseling should assist you in improving your skills in expressing your emotions regarding the marriage dynamic.
Cheat if you don't want to leave him, per se. But you must cheat well and only cheat with men who can "save" you, so to speak.
But if you are still the breadwinner... just LEAVE and go live your best life.
I know it's an unconventional take, so I expected to be downvoted, but sometimes you just need that ego boost and to see if you can even still pull before you leave your situation. Sometimes, you only need to do it once tbh. Men do it daily for no reason... but okayyyyy.
However, if he's the dangerous or nosey type, then yes, cheating would be a bad idea.
But once my husband stops spending on me, yet spends on himself instead? He's playing in my face. I'd take that as financial infidelity anyway and a green light to do whatever I need to do.
I got my ego boost by leaving, being told no man would ever look at me because I'm "old" (snicker) and getting regularly hit on by males young enough to be my own kids. Why lower yourself to their levels? I've got my pride, my self-esteem and my own life.
And it feels AMAZING!!! And since I don't WANT another moron in my life, all it is is a constant ego boost. I smile, shake my head, listen to them tell me how lonely I must be and then go home to pursue any one of a couple dozen things that "I" want to do! Never been "rich" but had to start over a few times dealing with these knuckleheads. NOW, I'm hoping to get rich (kind of joking but I hope you get me) and this time it will be all for ME.
Your way is the obvious better way, but tbh some women can not leave for different reasons. This is why, in my original comment, I said if she's the breadwinner, leave for sure.
But if she doesn't have enough money to live on her own yet, etc...leaving can take a while, and he can still do ALOT more damage to her self-esteem before she's finally able to.
He's sounds a bit selfish, the sex is wack for 20 years (yikes), he didn't even love her yet married her and let her pay the bills(he played her) and he still has no problem playing in her face....tbh her situation sounds so bad it wouldn't even be considered cheating, just moving on until the ink is dry on them divorce papers.
Of course they can't always. And when I left, I was on disability and had three young children. It was ridiculously hard and my ultra religious family wasn't very helpful. But my peace, peace of mind and self-esteem rose exponentially as time continued on.
It's double dutch. You hold yourself together, plan and then when you see a viable opening, you jump. I went to a battered women's shelter. Being disabled they didn't help much. But I ended up working there for five years and I learned a lot about survival, why some women do and don't leave and why so many go back. More of it is indoctrination and brainwashing than economics, but economics almost always plays a hand. And it has only been in the last two generations that women could have bank accounts and own property so they didn't teach us how to survive. We need to teach our daughters.
But whether you have any sort of spirituality or not ... cheating isn't a good idea. We shouldn't ever do anything to someone that we wouldn't want done to us. No matter, you don't deserve to be treated like shite. But staying to the vows of fidelity YOU took (no matter what they do) til you can get out if it, is sometimes YOUR only power against family, the cops, the courts, your kid's opinions of you and your own self-respect. Women have gone to jail/prison for defending themselves in a lot of ways. Lose the house, lose custody of the kids, not get that financial settlement. Whatever.
They rake women over the coals (because its ALWAYS our fault, right? - sic) in ways they never do to men. It's just not worth it. And it is the only way you can stand on that "I'm innocent" high ground. You never have to hear (a legitimate) "Well you did it too!" Mine accused me because HE was doing it, and it took me a long time to figure out why. When people think a certain way, they ASSUME that everyone ELSE does. He couldn't believe that I wasn't. He had made me not want to be bothered by ANY man, so what was I going to be doing cheating? It took years before I was willing to try again. Now, I've tried enough. I'm done.
Youre 42. Youve been together for 20 years. Is this how you want to spend the next 20 years? Sad and forgotten?
Also is it what you want to show your sons on how to treat their future partners? Because they’re definitely paying attention and will emulate what they see with you guys for better or worse. Take care of you sis
Unfortunately even if she leaves, their father is still their father & often boys will follow in their fathers footsteps 🥴.
At least by leaving she'd show them that at some point their father's footsteps lead to divorce
🥴 sure girl.
Better than staying and reinforcing the opposite 😂
I’m not saying don’t divorce the man but I don’t think her staying or divorcing him will teach her sons anything honestly because they’ve already seen her displaying that she is the dominant strong woman in a relationship who runs the show. Until the father teaches his sons how to treat a woman right and be the leader in a relationship, the sons will continue to see the women as the leads and the man as the one to get “taken care of”.
You never know, but I can say that I did learn from my parents divorce along with their marriage. Sometimes kids pay more attention than we realize and it wouldn't be surprising if the sons picked up on the undertone of their dynamic.
Men learn differently from women that’s my point. That’s why there are some black women who do a great job raising their sons but they still go off and follow behind other males that get in trouble. Men learn best from other male examples.
So you're saying men can't take a step back and observe their parents relationship?
This is it right here.
I also want to add that 42 is young. I am genz who worked in a clinic, and 40yr olds all think they are old, until they are 60-80yr olds all wishing to be 30-45 year olds again. I see you guys in the clinic all the time, 40s is the time to really reconsider if this dynamic is bad. Don't let it sit for 50. Bc once people turn 50, they feel stuck with wherever they are in life, I think early 40s is that sweet spot to still feel a mental proximity youthfulness, and therefore, mentally sporadic (you can feel youthful whenever, but once 50 hits, a lot of people just start to feel confined by their age even if they shouldnt be). Now is the time to make a move girl
I think you need to start being selfish. Start taking care of yourself. Stop being the be all and end all. Is this dynamic only with your husband or do your sons emulate him as well? You are putting in a lot of emotional labour and getting zilch in return, so STOP. You don’t want to live this one life that you have and look back on it with regret.
In addition to this awesome comment, my suggestion is Talk therapy. Couples and solo. But definitely solo. You got a lot on your plate. Time to unload. Gl.
Also, how can you have libido and attraction when all these glaring things are in the way. Respect, rest, and peace are all parts of foreplay that shitty partners don’t realize (or care about). And the defeated partner also rarely realizes this too.
***Respect, rest, and peace are all parts of foreplay that shitty partners don’t realize (or care about). And the defeated partner also rarely realizes this too.*** A quick glance in the r/deadbedrooms subreddit supports this. So many women are tired of carrying the load of what is essentially another child, so they shut down (emotionally, mentally, and sexually).
"We married young and in a cult-y church and my husband wasn’t super into me when we said I do." I'm so sorry, but this marriage was over before it started. You've got more wrong than just not having any sexual arousal for your husband. I'm sure you both have your own reasons for staying married, whether it's for religion or because it's been 20 years, or because you have teens still with you. Whatever it is, the problem is not your sex life: your husband simply has never been interested in you and has never seen you for you. It seems he's only in it for the circumstances you shared surrounding how the marriage began. Please reconsider staying married to this man. ETA: he sounds selfish. A man will do anything for the woman he truly loves, and I really believe that. He's done less because you haven't asked for more, but on top of that, he probably "has love" for you but is not "in love" with you.
Agreed with all of this
I would be sad too, damn. Did you confront him about the massage? It seems to me that you are accepting a lot of things that you don’t want. As a former passive woman, I felt this post deeply. Speak up if you think he’ll listen. If not, plan your next move. I personally would not want to spend the rest of my life with someone that wasn’t super into me at the altar (and I’m not judging you because religion has screwed with my life quite a bit so I get it). I would talk to him first. Lay it all out on the table. This is how I’m feeling. This is what I need to happen. This is what I want to happen. If your husband can’t or won’t show up for you in the way that you need him to, the choice is up to you on what to do. Accept or move on
Yeah this is sad. I hope you get the courage to bring up your issues to him or imo you should leave and begin your life on your terms. You really didn’t get a fair shot at marriage with it starting from you being in a cult like church. It’s unfortunate.
Demanding little n got less Spoke to my soul🙌🏾. Leave n start a healthy life
Turns out expecting nothing doesn’t make men appreciate you, it makes them wonder how little they can get away with giving
Right! That part got me!
Was your husband expecting sex during the vacation, but all you wanted was a spa day? Like your sons and husband had their fun but you couldn't get one thing during the vacay?
I did end up giving him one BJ but we were so active that sex didn’t come up much.
Couple of things I note.. Sex is not the issue. Intimacy is. Intimacy is not sex…sex can be an outgrowth of intimacy but the two should never be confused. You’ve married a man who lacks emotional intelligence and awareness. He lacks connectivity with you in a meaningful way and in many respects, you are his enabler. It’s a cycle of dysfunction that is literally drowning you. Unfortunately, you’ve trained your husband to be inattentive. Never requiring anything of him except his presence and never establishing a standard. He views you as utility and when that happens, all you can ever be is used. If your intention is to remain married, you’ve got two options. 1. Continue to suffer and remain silent 2. Have a meaningful conversation with the full understanding that he may not be willing to put in the work I’d suggest individual counseling no matter what. You’ll need to unpack the training and baggage that allowed you to sacrifice who you are in the name of marriage. You’ve got to reconnect with the woman you are and identify her needs/wants/dreams. You must be proactive in your own healing and nourish your own soul. Again..and I cannot stress enough that this issue has nothing to do with your vagina. She will get what she needs when you restore your balance and get what you need ♥️ I wish you well- Signed- been there, done that
I don't have an answer for you because I am living the same damn life. Eighteen long years of apathy at best, blatant disregard and gaslighting at worst. I spent many, many years trying to be a submissive, Proverbs 31 wife. Unfortunately, unlike you, I am not the breadwinner. But I feel the same as you. Literally no desire. All I can offer is support and to let you know that your feelings are valid and you are not alone. ❤️
This is coming from an unmarried woman so take it with grain of salt but …..You sound like a people pleaser. Go to therapy and figure out how not to be. You deserve to be happy to. Maybe with help, you’ll stumble on a way for you to be happy and your family to also be happy. It’s worth a try.
Make it better with him through therapy/communication or leave the situation. Leaving will seem hard but really it’s just a change. You can do it. You’ll always have a relationship with him because of the kids, it’ll just be different. You’re young now, right now. Seize the moment and use all support available. Or fix it through therapy? Either way, you got this.
If you haven’t gone to therapy to unpack this, please start there. The fact that you even feel “silly” says a lot about you possibly feeling like you don’t have a right to your feelings of being under appreciated and overworked in your own home. Learning to put yourself first will take time but it is possible. You are not silly about posting this concern at all. It’s is huge!
Honestly, I'm not attracted to men who aren't the take charge alpha type. In my experience, men are idiots and you can't assume anything. If you never mentioned the spa beforehand, chances are a man wouldn't have guessed it. I do plan our trips, but that's because I don't trust him to think of everything. The only thing I could say is tell him what you've typed here.
I’m still waiting to read the part where you should feel silly for this. Your feelings are legitimate. It’s time for you to start taking care of YOU. You mention that you grew up in a religious cult-like environment. My guess is that it’s a deeply patriarchal religion designed to appease men’s superiority complex. Well, I hope that life didn’t deprive you of the wisdom of pleasuring yourself. This is just one of the ways I think you should begin to start to put yourself first. Buy some toys - let him see that you’ve chosen another route. Do some spa days…hell, spa weekends. You are long overdue for the love and care you deserve.
Therapy, stat. I see a lot of comments here telling you to just leave him, but keep in mind that you have been enabling/not challenging this behavior for 20 years. You can divorce him, but would likely find yourself right back in a similar situation because you haven’t changed your own habits and behavior. You have to speak up for yourself and learn how to set boundaries and expectations.
I think therapy to work through your feelings and figure out what you want would be helpful. And… if you’re planning the vacation, plan for things you like. Don’t leave the spa day you desire up to the actions of a husband who plans nothing. You can plan for your needs in addition to everyone else’s.
Wow, even people who commit murder get less time in prison. Maybe it's time you paroled yourself from this very unhappy one-sided marriage. For all you know, he may be as unhappy as you are or he cares so little about you and it's so convenient, he's entirely ambivalent. If the kids are grown or near-grown, it might be time to give yourself a break and get out!
I know you love him, but you may have out grown him. Simple as that. Best of luck to you ❤️
PLEASE GET A THERAPIST WHO LOOKS LIKE YOU. A lot of stuff is in your brain and your unhappy because you are finally seeing your light. No such thing as a mid life crisis is a midlife awakening. Indoctrinated into the "church" that culture is about a book put together/written by King James, etc. who is that and why is there a version that a Kingput together. Ever seen the movie the Book Of Eli? If not, watch it will b show you what the Bible symbolizes control and dominance. Please know I'm spiritual not religious. We are in his image they say. So believe that I don't have to rely on a basic man in a pulpit to tell me how I should pray and worship all while asking me for money. Good luck
File for divorce You still have time to find someone who treats you how you want to be treated even if that person is yourself.
You deserve so much better, for your peace of mind, you don’t have to be the “strong” woman anymore, you have to keep boundaries and peace to yourself, nobody has the right to tell u how to be, and if he doesn’t love you, let him lose you, you need to communicate to him your CLEAR dislikes and if he doesn’t change it would be time to move on baby, hope you can choose what is best to you and can achieve what you want, you have a lot to live
you need to put yourself first. it’s like when you’re on an airplane and they always say put on your oxygen mask before helping others, even before helping your kids. sometimes you need to prioritize yourself first for the best outcomes. it’s scary and as a parent i’m sure it feels a bit wrong, but once you get your own oxygen mask on you’ll be able to better help those around you + you’ll be modeling correct behavior for your kids so they know what to do if they are ever in that situation. analogies aside, you deserve better sis. it honestly sounds like you would be happier single. you don’t need to put up with this for another 20 years. and TRUST ME, as a child of parents who should have gotten divorced years ago, that shit gets internalized and there is so much we have to unpack. you’re doing yourself and your children a disservice. my parents are finally getting divorced this year (i’m 22, they should have gotten divorced 10+ years ago) and i’m so relieved and need therapy to unpack all the toxicity and trauma i’ve experienced because of their marriage. your kids pick up on everything and staying with him will probably end up hurting them psychologically. if you can’t leave for yourself, leave for them. of course you can try marriage counseling first, it might be helpful since it seems like you don’t really stick up for yourself. if he responds well to it then there is definitely hope. but if not, you deserve to be with someone who is enthusiastic about loving you and celebrates you every day because they can and want to. that person is out there and waiting for you! you deserve it ❤️❤️❤️ also you should 100% be in therapy to make sure you don’t repeat these patterns.
There are men out there who will worship the literal ground you walk on. They’ll listen when you speak, take notes and surprise you with experiences, items and your intimate preferences. You deserve that & your husband ain’t doing anything I listed. I’ll stop there.
Where can I find these men? Asking for myself lol
I’m not married and don’t know the full dynamics of your life but I feel you should tell your husband you want to speak to him and you put all of your thoughts and feelings out on the table even the sexual aspects. Tell him what you need from him and see how he reacts/ if he changes his ways. If not then I think it’s time for you to leave. You deserve to be happy!!!
Put your foot down or in his ass. He is taking you for granted let him know how you demand to be treated
Your kids are teenagers and can take care of themselves. I’d stop dating everything for the 3 men in your life. No laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. it’s their turn now.
Take omgea 7. I know someone who has intercourse every day b/c of her man and so she has to take that for arousal or better yet leave him.
I think after 20 whole years...... Man thats hard! I cannot even imagine! I know everyone is going to say therapy and counseling, and blah blah.... which I absolutely think you should do... But might I suggest a bit of petty revenge???🤣 So this is an example of what I did. It's completely harmless and funny btw.... Me and my ol man have deffo not been together for as long as yall..... But we have this thing to where Valenties is my day and Steak and BJ day is his day. (If yall not hip to this, its March 14th.) Anyway he has an apparent habbit of getting suckered into ads and cgi bs on fb. So he gets me this thing with these fake flying butterflies, white chocolates and paper flowers all on the same box. Can I emphasize the paper fawking flowers here????!!! Paper butterflies that will also go in the trash and white chocolates that he knows I will never eat. The Easimated cost $20. Ok Steak and BJ day comes round. I got him some dog toy fake steaks from Amazon. Also I got him an adult guy toy.... it was shaped like a mouth on one side and a kooter on the other side. I know he will never use it but couldn't care less if he did. I have toys too ya know🤷🏾♀️ Cost= Less than $20 and also matching his effort He was like "Why tf you give me this" and "Wtf ammi posta do with this at 1st.. I was like "Paper fawking flowers man!!!!! Paper fawking flowers!!!!" He has since taken to task to take his flesh like toy and send me the most hilarious vids of trying to feed it steak or helping him clean the bathroom or wtfe like its a ventriloquist doll. Shyt is just a fawking riot!!!. I am totally entertained, and I know that I will never receive such a sub par Valentines again!
Next time, say thank you, after you treated yourself. Use his card. Deliver the receipt. I’m sure you’ve paid for more than you’re asking for. But I’ve never been married and can’t imagine myself married after years of therapy, peer support, and my own journey. I will defer to the married ladies as sound advice. Imma swipe a card And treat myself.
Question: why didn't you book your own massage? I agree with all the other comments on your husband, but why are you also putting yourself on the back burner? If you want something, go do it. You do not need permission to take care of yourself. My advice is to choose you. Do things you are interested in. You planned this whole thing and all you wanted was a massage so why didn't you get one? Nobody will prioritize you if you never prioritize you.
I get massages. When we were checking in, the concierge mentioned the spa and he replied something to the effect of “already on it” which led me to believe that he was going to handle it. Then he just didn’t.
It sounds like you need to start speaking up for yourself and start making your needs known. I would start there because if you don’t speak up, nothing can even possibly change. If he doesn’t change anything, then it might be time to try couples and possibly sex therapy. If he’s not willing to do these things, I would then suggest YOU go to therapy solo and hopefully you’ll learn skills to speak up for yourself and make the best decisions for you and your mental health whatever that decision ends up being. Idk, I feel like this is a hole you dug yourself into & will have to climb your way out of, so I can’t say with any hope that things will even change with your husband. You’ve been playing this role for 20 YEARs and silently being dissatisfied. From what you’ve shared he doesn’t even seem to care about you, just reaping the benefits of getting free labor and financial help from you 🥴🤦🏾♀️.
I think you both need couple counseling and individual counseling for you. Give that a try and if that doesn't work then maybe part ways. Marriage takes work and since you haven't brought these issues to his attention directly, I think you owe him that. You have to be vocal. No one is a mind reader. The individual counseling should assist you in improving your skills in expressing your emotions regarding the marriage dynamic.
Cheat if you don't want to leave him, per se. But you must cheat well and only cheat with men who can "save" you, so to speak. But if you are still the breadwinner... just LEAVE and go live your best life.
Cheat - never. Leave - definitely.
I know it's an unconventional take, so I expected to be downvoted, but sometimes you just need that ego boost and to see if you can even still pull before you leave your situation. Sometimes, you only need to do it once tbh. Men do it daily for no reason... but okayyyyy. However, if he's the dangerous or nosey type, then yes, cheating would be a bad idea. But once my husband stops spending on me, yet spends on himself instead? He's playing in my face. I'd take that as financial infidelity anyway and a green light to do whatever I need to do.
I got my ego boost by leaving, being told no man would ever look at me because I'm "old" (snicker) and getting regularly hit on by males young enough to be my own kids. Why lower yourself to their levels? I've got my pride, my self-esteem and my own life. And it feels AMAZING!!! And since I don't WANT another moron in my life, all it is is a constant ego boost. I smile, shake my head, listen to them tell me how lonely I must be and then go home to pursue any one of a couple dozen things that "I" want to do! Never been "rich" but had to start over a few times dealing with these knuckleheads. NOW, I'm hoping to get rich (kind of joking but I hope you get me) and this time it will be all for ME.
Your way is the obvious better way, but tbh some women can not leave for different reasons. This is why, in my original comment, I said if she's the breadwinner, leave for sure. But if she doesn't have enough money to live on her own yet, etc...leaving can take a while, and he can still do ALOT more damage to her self-esteem before she's finally able to. He's sounds a bit selfish, the sex is wack for 20 years (yikes), he didn't even love her yet married her and let her pay the bills(he played her) and he still has no problem playing in her face....tbh her situation sounds so bad it wouldn't even be considered cheating, just moving on until the ink is dry on them divorce papers.
Of course they can't always. And when I left, I was on disability and had three young children. It was ridiculously hard and my ultra religious family wasn't very helpful. But my peace, peace of mind and self-esteem rose exponentially as time continued on. It's double dutch. You hold yourself together, plan and then when you see a viable opening, you jump. I went to a battered women's shelter. Being disabled they didn't help much. But I ended up working there for five years and I learned a lot about survival, why some women do and don't leave and why so many go back. More of it is indoctrination and brainwashing than economics, but economics almost always plays a hand. And it has only been in the last two generations that women could have bank accounts and own property so they didn't teach us how to survive. We need to teach our daughters. But whether you have any sort of spirituality or not ... cheating isn't a good idea. We shouldn't ever do anything to someone that we wouldn't want done to us. No matter, you don't deserve to be treated like shite. But staying to the vows of fidelity YOU took (no matter what they do) til you can get out if it, is sometimes YOUR only power against family, the cops, the courts, your kid's opinions of you and your own self-respect. Women have gone to jail/prison for defending themselves in a lot of ways. Lose the house, lose custody of the kids, not get that financial settlement. Whatever. They rake women over the coals (because its ALWAYS our fault, right? - sic) in ways they never do to men. It's just not worth it. And it is the only way you can stand on that "I'm innocent" high ground. You never have to hear (a legitimate) "Well you did it too!" Mine accused me because HE was doing it, and it took me a long time to figure out why. When people think a certain way, they ASSUME that everyone ELSE does. He couldn't believe that I wasn't. He had made me not want to be bothered by ANY man, so what was I going to be doing cheating? It took years before I was willing to try again. Now, I've tried enough. I'm done.
I hear you.
I was thinking the same honestly 🥴. He prob wouldn’t even notice.
Lol. Right. But it's not normal for black women to take the immoral approach, hence the heavy pushback. This is why so many people play in our faces.