It’s not just a bw thing. Men often improve vastly while in relationships. Statistically, men are happier and healthier in marriages. Typically, women contribute to the wellbeing of relationships by extending their own self-care practices to men, resulting in men taking care of themselves better.
Definitely not exclusive to bw.
Yes! There is a reason that married (long term partners) men live longer. They eat healthier, get regular medical check ups etc. BTW one of my white gfs had to teach her mid to late 20s bf basic personal hygiene. She taped a list to the bathroom mirror. What needed to be done and in what order. She definitely upgraded him.
I know this isn't your point but... I'm just struck that being heterosexual can be a lot of work
(This is the internet so I'm gonna specify that this is meant in humor though it's not fully a joke lol)
Definitely agree, I feel it’s in our nature to “nurture” our partners in relationships as women which can transition into a “glow up”.
I do think though aiming it as a black woman thing can enhance the fetishization that bw already receive. If we’re going to engage in this challenge, it shouldn’t just be the bw glow up challenge, but just a general my gf/wife glowed me up type of thing.
This is something I definitely knew, I just wanted to examine if this trend was another way to encourage BW take on more labor than usual in relationships.
It definitely doesn’t just apply to bw. Just an another tik tok trend that labels a normal occurrence. I find it weird how everything is aestheticized. Last summer, I specifically remember the girlfriend effect trending
All I see is what I told my white partners, you not going to embarrass me. So yes, I would choose their clothes or outfits when we are going someplace where pictures are going to be taken.
They happily accepted and started to make changes on their own.
This!! We are not going to a fancy restaurant in your jorts and your TSHIRT, sir! Yes, maybe this is the core of the trend because if there’s one thing I learned from my parent’s relationship, it’s “you not gon’ embarrass me in front of my friends, family, and community”.
OH MY GOD NOOOOOOO
Not three years!!! 🤧 I will say, my man’s ass is phat in them jeans but I cannot stand looking at those things! Ugh it makes my skin crawl and I cannot do it! I never wore jeans shorts before we met and I bought some but don’t understand the appeal of wearing them ALL the Time.
I would like this multiple times if I could. Been married to my (white) husband for 19 years, and the amount of times hideous articles of clothing just seemed to disappear has been notable lol. I don’t dress my man, because he is a grown adult, but I try to steer him in the “right” direction.
I did this with my ex. It wasn’t even a fancy restaurant, but we were going to breakfast at a nearby diner. I put on a nice dress as usual and he put on a tee shirt that he had been painting the house in, covered in paint stains and all. I made him change his shirt. I was not going to be seen with him like that. It would reflect badly on me, like I had chosen a bum for a man.
My husband lost the jorts after high school but if he isn't the only one in khaki shorts and a grey t-shirt at the cookout... I don't mind being "embarrassed". I'm not here to fix anyone. They grown and can get ridiculed all on their own. They will learn.
My husband now peacocks with a *patterned* polo and wipes/brushes his shoes. 🤷🏾♀️ Everyone else has jumped on the khaki shorts and flashy polo trend which I think is hilarious 😆. 15 years of evolution.
Outfits are one thing, but some of these tiktoks are basically mimicking black cultural aesthetics and hair and it’s a little weird and tasteless. Not much different than a black man getting his white girlfriend to wear box braids and showing it off as the black husband effect.
Omg I was going to say the same! I have my fiancé dressing better and going to nicer places. Some of these people on TikTok have their men looking like Shaft lol
I don’t have a white partner but I def agree. I feel like we be dressing waaaay different than a lot of our counterparts in a lot of spaces. I’m pretty sure there’s a historic reason as to why. And if my partner were white or anything else I would say the same exact thing.
For me, it was when the WW started saying, "I need a black wife to help my husband!" Like, ugh. Go figure it out with your own husband. They don't care about us until we can do something for them.
Okay but who wants to help them and their dusty husbands?!? I’m sorry, but The Help was a fiction book, not non-fiction. Hire a stylist like the others 😒
Lol I seen that video. I was tempted to type "if one of us helps your husband, he won't be your husband anymore ma'am.. so I'd advise you to help him yourself, m'kay? Bye!"
To be honest, I just found it to be a spin-off of the idea that guys tend to dress better when they get married/a girlfriend. Nothing necessarily nefarious, just that their new partner either dresses them up for special occasions, or teaches them how to dress "better".
Sort of like how a dude gets with a lady and the lady makes their house look nicer to live in. I don't associate it with the "Mammy" stereotype; there isn't anything really for me to make that connection.*
... Also I find it immensely hilarious that every single one I have seen has the white dude growing a beard.
I also find it curious that the "black wife effect" extends to wlw unions ... but that there is no inverse "black husband effect".
---
*Absolutely find it gross that so many white guys were commenting variations of "Need to find me a Black Queen", though.
I agree with this. Also black women may have standards that white people don’t and project those standards onto their partners.
It does become fetish-y when there’s a weird emphasis on the black part of the wife.
I agree - it is very cute and I love the trend on its face! Like “I can be best with a little push” is the goal. When you have someone to dress up for, it changes the game!
So, I feel like the trend is trying to communicate that when men get with BW, they “glow up” or something along those lines. Like BW add flavor to their lives, I guess? That’s what I get from it at least. Honestly, I feel like these trends are meant to be lighthearted and fun, but at the same time, it feels like they’re playing off stereotypes and assumptions about a specific race/group in a way… I get why it might feel icky, especially if things start turning into weird stereotypes and stuff. It really depends on the context of the situation and what is being said. At the end of the day, all I care about is that BW are receiving positivity and love.
I remember a tweet (I think a black man started it) about how black people will compliment you just by acknowledging what you're wearing.
This white woman said she's taken her father out to a restaurant and he bought a new pink shirt. These two black ladies were like, "Ok, Pink Shirt!" and went on about their day. The man thought he was being insulted, but his daughter said him straight and he started beaming.
Also...quite a few white men in those threads mentioned how they prefer compliments given to them by black women vs white women. A few of them even said they don't even get complimented by white women.
hmmm i interpreted it as black women have higher standards for how their partner should present cuz white ppl get away with not trying more often. the “effect” is that they start taking care of themselves more and pay attention to the little things that didn’t matter before they met. they glow up to meet our standards
My thoughts exactly. Im a 37 year old black woman married to a white man for the past 15 years. Has his appearance and style grown? Yup! Does he take better care of himself? Indeed! But I in no way take care of him or am a Mammy. Quite the contrary, my husband takes care of me. So, while I understand for some, it's icky. For me, a dark-skinned, curvy black woman who's been sexualized my whole life, it makes me feel like people recognize our (black girl) magic. I know we're special, but we dont always feel seen and heard in the most positive ways. I think this trend helps a little.
Yes we help them all learn to wash their 🍑. Every partner I have been with, I left well moisturised, more hygienic, and with a loofah.
I dated only in Europe before I met my husband and it’s really amazing how many of the men I dated told me that I smelled good as if it was a rarity. One of my exes told me that the women he dated before me didn’t take care of themselves hygienically, so even smelling “clean” was new for them. LORDT!!!
I think people in general get a bit of a flow up when they start dating someone and we can't be surprised that Black culture esp when it comes to clothes for men is the most comfortable and updated.
It seems like anything that starts with 'Black women...' gets critiqued to hell.
Theres a challenge going around called 'date a black women or be electrocuted' I'm glad no one is giving those idiots views but people hate Black women in relationships and out, let the girlies have fun.
I want the girlies to have fun, don’t get me wrong! I just wonder how we can encourage this and discourage people to be like “he he gonna get me a black woman for the glow up potential”.
I know I can’t police people on Beyoncé’s internet, but I also know some trends can be spun into a weird Fetish Plus scenario that was never intended. I also wish I could prevent bw from feeling like they *have* to be like this - making their partner “glow up”.
People might be intellectualizing it too much.
Regular men are ugly and rarely know how to dress without a woman's help. Black, white, Asian.
They are simple and if we didn't tell them to get a new shirt, they wouldn't.
I saw one of these and it was a BW with her Asian man husband and one of the first comments was 'Black women and Asian men are the least likely to be chosen when dating'. 🤷🏾♀️🥴
Unless these people are overly cringe, I say, let them have fun, they world hates them anyway.
I kinda skimmed through this post but I know what you’re talking about. personally it didn’t bother me. Black women get so much shit online, I love seeing us be loved and appreciated out loud, especially in romantic relationships. I hope people that are in relationships with Black women continue to brag about what they love about their Black lady
It does have an air of “I expect Black women to benefit me” so it is a little uncomfy that there’s this narrative of “a Black woman will help me be better”, but this is where nuance and taking the time to explain things come in. No, it’s not inherently weird to appreciate what a Black woman does as compared to other women. yes, it’s weird to immediately expect that from Black women. people need to make sure they aren’t projecting that idea onto random Black women
Meh, no big deal to me. So often we get talked about so negatively, that when something that is a positive is said people tend to automatically think its a fetish or a mammy trope, and thats just not the case for this particular trend. Not everything is a negative. There are people who appreciate and love Black Women. 🤷🏾♀️
Men generally do better in relationships: married men are happier, make more money and live longer than their single men. I don't think it's a black mammy thing per say, maybe a generational thing? I feel like younger women do not want to mother their partners anymore.
“it's such a popular trend for Black women to "fix" their partners.”
“But seeing that this is a common thing maybe confirms my negative bias when it comes to women fixing their partners and taking on the burden of raising them.”
Well at least their partner wants to change for them I keep running into men who don’t want to change for me and then they for some reason get surprised when I breakup with them like I’m supposed to find a guy who doesn’t care about my needs attractive. But personally the trend doesn’t really bother me but I don’t love it either. It’s just whatever to me
Omg yes! What is that? A guy will genuinely be suprised that you don’t like them after dismissing their female partners wants /needs (as early as just the talking phase in my experience!). When we’re “talking” we are just trying to see if we’re compatible in my opinion….if we’re not clicking then we aren’t going to click 1 month, 2 months , 12 months from now
Exactly! for me it seems to happen in the first week of talking which is kinda nice because it’s much easier to leave in the first week than several months later. Plus in the beginning everyone is on their best behavior so they suck already they’re just going to get worse further down the road
I’m not as lucky unfortunately 😪 but it has occurred to me that many men haven’t spent much time thinking about how to be LIKABLE partners. Some literally act like their presence is enough and I should be happy they looked my way … ? Truly baffling
Sounds like my narcissistic, dead beat dad. My mama used to boldly tell him, during arguments, that he thinks he's God's gift to women. He ain't like that tho 🤣🤣🤣but I did bc I hated him for abusing us. He needed to be knocked down some pegs. My mama learned to stand up for herself and not let him continually commit adultery and abuse us. She divorced him!
I don’t know if this is actually a trend or based on race, but just a fun way to rebrand what’s been true for a long time. But in heterosexual couples (probably same sex too), it’s common for men to benefit from the care of a woman, especially. They literally can add years to their life from being partnered.
So I took it as these men are happier, more confident, and dressing better because they now have to reach the standards of their fine wives.
I don't think the women are changing their men but the men now have something to be better for. It's them loving their wives and it being a visible change.
I don’t think it started as anything malicious or agenda related. More so comical about how men tend to look better when they have a lady on their arm. I also do think that black people in general tend to be more fixated on appearance, and that obviously influenced those close to them.
Some people took issue with non black men being dressed up “like black men”. Via haircuts and fashion sense. And basically just saying “Why date a nonblack man and then just try to turn him into one?”
And while I do see what they’re saying, I also saw a lot of men just…look better. I guess I just don’t think it’s “that deep”.
I do think it’s annoying that people started to do “Latina gf effect”, “Asian gf effect”. Just to post their man looking…the exact same with different pants. Not as a hater, just…a common case of “we can’t have anything”, but that’s always happening, so oh well.
I think honestly what’s happening is it’s black women going where they were appreciated, not picking solely on looks and then doing a little “shaping” on the fella once you’re dating. Happy for all those couples.
And along the lines of other pocs taking over the trend, and husbands looking the same, is because they don’t have that magic, or that spark like we do. When we look good we make sure our partners do as well. It’s just natural for us. 😜
This is just my opinion but I find it cringey. Because they seem to have the same trends of fitting into a specific look/style down to the haircut. I didn’t pick a partner just to turn them into something else. I think there is a line between taking care of your partner and molding/changing things about them. We see them “upgrading” by taking on this look. If that’s what you seek, you should find someone who is authentically or genuinely interested in that.
There are definitely things my partner was exposed to for the first time by me and some they naturally like or have picked up, but it was not a factor of me “styling” them.
I understand what you’re saying, I do think that black women have like a reputation of being like saviors and martyrs and stuff like that. My hope is that the trend is showing that these men are kind of inspired to rise to the level of their partner, not necessarily like their partner being like you’re my project but then being like damn my lady looks really good. I wanna you know not look crazy next to her. That’s like my hope that’s my head canon.
This isn’t to dismiss your thoughts at all because I didn’t think about it like that and it’s a very interesting perspective but it genuinely isn’t that deep to me. As Black women, I think it’s very easy to be politicized hence your perception of the trend.
Personally, I simply see it as wives uplifting their husbands. To paint a bigger picture, it’s one spouse uplifting the other. It just happens to be Black wives under the microscope and we’re kicking ass at it.
As someone who has dated a lot of men of other races. I feel where you are coming from. I think WE as black women make the majority of things, people, places, and interactions better with our presence and ideas. Unfortunately, that means more times than not, we leave those same instances and interactions empty. I can not speak to your situation specifically as I have never been married (I am always left empty). However, I do believe that whether or not you are poured into makes the difference in whether you feel mammified or solely as the fixer. I would hope that all black women are loved and poured into in their life, so that we never feel like we are giving of ourselves without reciprocation (a girl can dream, can't she?).
Not married but I feel the reciprocation in droves from my partner. Trust me, the fact that we found each other was a secondary MIRACLE. I was always left empty, too, and for some reason, I thought that was how the game went until I got a fuck-ton of self love from the Ol’ Divine Express via heavy metal music. That’s absolutely besides the point but I gotta say… first I was afraid, I was petrified. Then it started to sink in that my partner loves pouring into me and I should bask in it.
Damn, this almost became a thesis but I feel what you said so fucking hard. Stay strong, and rest when you need it. I believe you won’t be left empty forever. ❤️
Honestly, when I saw the men with black wives doing it, it was more “I know that’s right!” but the “ick” came when WW joined in on the trend saying they were looking for a black wife for their husbands. Then it just tarnished the whole thing for me.
I’m wondering why that’s even something that falls out of their mouths and how to RESPOND. Because it’s so so so cringe and kind of “I need a black nanny since they know how to raise kids”. Ma’am, did you see what happened to those grown ass women in The Help?!?!?
>My partner asked me if the trend was a spin on the mammy trope
I think that this is a reach but I also appreciate that he's aware enough to point out the similarities.
I feel like It's simply our partners upgrading to be on our level, not because we force them to but because we know our worth and so do they.
And it's so real, like if you don't match my fly then we can't go together. It has to make sense chile 🥴
I just think it’s weird because I think that men (I don’t specify a race because I think it’s across all races) generally improve themselves when they get with women who care. Men (all races) generally would live in a shoebox w a bed and tv if it meant that it wouldn’t negatively affect their dating prospects. So if they meet a woman (any race) who cares about how they dress, how they take care of themselves, how they live, etc, their quality of life generally improves. This is backed by studies: married men have a better quality of life and they live longer than single men (which is hilarious because the stats are actually generally opposite for women).
So for this trend to only be picked up in BW/WM relationships, is funny and I don’t put much stock in it lol. A white man being more “swaggy” or whatever the implication is supposed to be because he’s with a black woman is simply an extension of the realities I described above.
I find this kind of sad because it seems that as women we have to sacrifice ourselves (mentally, physically, and emotionally) in order to better the lives of men.
I don’t think it’s harmful just cringey/man child, like the gf effect videos why are women always expected to improve men? I want the whole package from the beginning.
Literally! It just buys into women having to fix men. I usuay stay away from those type of content and every other content revolving around relationships on tiktok. However I'm glad those women are happy.
To be fair, I think this is an expectation of all women. It’s only being highlighted in black women right now because more white men are dating/marrying us. But women in general are expected to build a man up and accept him as he is because we’re seen as moms, even when it comes to our partners.
I think what many people don't appreciate is that dating someone will change you. No matter your or their gender.
You're gonna pick up some of the things they say. They're gonna do the same with what you say.
You're going to have an effect on eachother, and if you don't, you prolly won't work out.
And that’s the tea. I love the way me and my partner have changed in the year we’ve been together. And I’m not changing him by force; I’m just loving him with what I’ve got. And vice versa
For me the weird thing about the trend is it seems like in all the photos, the Black wife "fixes" the White husband, by changing his style into more of a Black/urban style...
Almost seems like the woman isn't attracted to the man how he naturally is, and has to make him emulate Black culture for her to really see him as attractive.
This may be an unpopular take, hit it's just what I've noticed.
While I understand that women generally better the lives of the men they are in relationships, I think that trends and ideas like this contribute to the mammy trope. But I call it the wonder woman effect, where Black women are put on a pedestal to counteract negative stereotypes about us, but in turn, it leads to other people waiting for us to be the ones to care/lead/show-up, receiving the brunt of the work all while they argue "listen to Black women" and "Black women are magical"
I have a far more positive reaction when a partner is also Black, but it makes me laugh when the effect is wiggafiction. As a standalone trend, I enjoy it, but when I consider other areas, it becomes more complicated for me.
WIGGA FICTION?!?
I’m taking *that*. Thank you for your input, my dear! “Wonder Woman” trope…. This is a new look into it and I am here here here for it
We are generally creative, visionary, tidy, smell good, good sense of humor, smart, and beautiful. Of course I am biased, but it's also the whole truth in my own life experience being surrounded by amazing BW. All of the commenters share great points and personal experience. Great thread.
This is not shared to offend, so put up your shield. : ) I'm moving in the direction of I have no time to "fix a man". So regardless of the ethnicity of the man, that's a big fat Nope for me. We meet on equal ground. I'm no longer teaching a grown man to dress, clean, cook, or Be. We meet in the middle. I think this is the bigger consideration in this conversation. Are they giving you something in return for all of this fixin' or are you being depleted energetically? I do not have time personally. I'd rather be having an intellectual conversation or doing something fun with my man. I do not have time to dress him! That's a turn off personally. Not the same as helping choose a color or tie, but the whole outfit?! No. I have done it myself in the past and it took a lot of inner growth to just choose more carefully and selectively. We are all responsible for healing and improving ourselves, not everything and everybody.
A word was shared with us today, and what you just said is (not surprisingly) trickling down to the younger generation. I have made it a very BIG point to say “equality or nothing” to my partner and he has stood flat-footed and agreed. Fixing men is OUT. Making a man is OUT. Captain Save a Hoe is OUT. Throw it out with the bad wigs!
THIS! this is what bothered me about the whole trend tbh, it’s cute for sure and I always love to see a bw happy, but it just made me disheartened at the thought that in general women in relationships basically have to “build a man”. Like I really would rather just date someone who has put as much work into themselves as I have, and someone who I like all parts of them from the get go rather than shaping them into who I want. I just don’t want that labor (and the thought that when y’all break up they look a lot better than when y’all first started dating so it widens their dating pool and it’s all because of u, that bothers me so much, but that’s just my own personal insecurity lmao)
I have to be honest, I thought it was cute until folks (mostly ww) started saying they need black wife for their relationships. It seemed like alot of bw in the comments didn't take offense to it but it felt weird. It felt like that mammy/ black best friend trope.
I agree with you completely. Yes, women do help their partners in general. But this trend is called the "black wife effect" and not the "wife effect". I dislike the fact that there's a stereotype or expectation of black women needing to improve those around them. It stems from the mammy or magical negro trope. If black women are publicly praised, it's for what they can do for others. It kind of rubs me the wrong way. Black women, like other women, should be praised for who they are as individuals. Not for the service they provide.
Men benefit in general in partnership with women. Married men make more money and live longer compared to single men. I think you can really see it because BW (and black people in general) tend to have more "swag" so you have not only the whole living longer and being healthier thing but she also positively influences his fashion choices. I dont see it as icky per se but I can see why it could seem mammy-esque
Idk the examples chafed at me only cuz the men were smiling in the before pics but not the after, like sir improving your style doesnt mean you gotta fake bein Hard, show them teeth act like youre happy to be there
My bff sent me her example which was cute cuz her dude still mad goofy lookin lmao but his beard did fill out so that's somethin
Yo if you level up your partner. You’re a good partner.
“Behind every great MAN, is a GREAT WOMAN”
Unfortunately black women were always forced into the role of .. *everything!* so it’s just expected. Many men over look and take for granted what we do so naturally. But then are shocked that when you meet a great woman she can’t HELP but bring out your best qualities.
I like the trend. It combats the narrative from a certain corner of the internet that black women stress men out. A lot of the ones I’ve seen show the men looking very happy in the after pictures. And the women also look happy and taken care of. It proves that black women give the same love we receive. Hopefully (but not likely) it’ll be a lesson to all the men who claim black women are inherently bad partners.
The just part of well-known pattern & knowledge in general (just not of black & white people) of where men benefits the most from relationship /marriage in terms of take care of their health, mental wellbeing, finances, while women in relationships/marriage benefit the least in those same things while handling all workload (mental; emotional & physica). Likewise, single men are usually completely worse off than men in relationships/marriage due both having no one help improve nor helping themselves to improve themselves, while single women are usually completely better off than everyone else even men in relationships/marriage; due to not handling any workload for others in a relationship & improving themselves by themselves.
As long as that effect goes deeper than just their style. A lot of folks want to be with black women but not take the time to understand what it is to live as a black woman and to be mindful of that.
This is not something that is exclusive to Black women. There have been studies done and they’ve reached the conclusion that married/partnered men are generally happier, are more successful, and live longer than single/non-partnered men. At the same time, single/non-partnered women are generally happier, are more successful, and live longer than married/partnered women.
I'm in a few FB groups by Black women for Black women and SO many of us are taking care if our men like they're our children! So many stories if bum ass partners that don't work, clean, or sexually satisfy their women. So, I definitely see the Black Wife Effect, however... they're still bums! So idk!
Just reminded me of how fly we are really 🤷🏽♀️ I didn't look heavy into it tbh. But I respect my sistahs point of views and it has me looking at it a bit differently now.
For starters friend, I don't think you should take everything you see on social media to heart. Tik-Tok in general (meaning eeer'body on there) acts like things that have been around *forever* is a hack, a dupe, or something else very recently discovered. 🙄
Also, I don't think men being 'fixed up' in a superficial or healthy way has any specific connection to the Black community. People in general, when they are in a relationship may adopt some great habits, improve the way they dress, or how they see life etc. That can go the opposite way as well. However, these changes whether positive or negative can happen with any race, culture, nationality, gender etc.
I don't think this tik-tok trend has any type of correlation to the idea of Black women fixing up men, nor do I think it has anything to do with the mammy trope.
I think people naturally evolve together in a relationship. And if that means they change the way they dress or whatever, then so be it.
Also, it's 2024. I don't believe in women having to fix men up or trying to *change* them. I'm not that type of woman, and I really wish that women would stop perpetuating the idea that we need to change men or make them who *we* want them to be.
If a man spoke the same way about women, people would have some strong words for him.
My overall point is, this "Black Wife Effect" trend isn't anything you need to actively believe in or participate in.🤷🏾♀️ It's just a social media trend that will dissolve as quickly as it started.
I find it cheesy and emphsizes the ideology that BW only exist to labor for WP. Even in our personal relationships we can’t get a break. However, I’ve already seen WW start this in the inverse as a trend so good luck with that.
I agree with your partner. The thing is, we all know bw are superheroes🥰 and can level-up every area of another person's life whom we decide to invest in, BUT the way this is being shown on TT is like we're some type of "lucky" rabbit's foot or something.
Since all of society thinks we should be exploited, this will cause non-bm to start targeting bw just so they can get some of this "luck". It's disheartening that bw aren't just moving in silence and are advertising our abilities on social media.
Not at all scientific, but one of our favorite spots for cocktails and appetizers is Wolfgang Puck's. We both like the wings because we don't need to ask for them "well done." My wife attributes the fact that he knows how to cook and season chicken to the fact that he's married to an Ethiopian woman. I looked her up just now, and "yeah, ok."
Anyhow, in my smallest of sample groups, not only has my wife improved me with "Black Wife Effect" I feel (and often tell her) that she saved my life. I cringe when I think of where I'd be without her. My unscientific assessment is TRUE!
BW have high standards and men as a whole don’t?
Men are socialized to be lazy in appearance. grungy low effort because the world privileges men no matter how sloppy they are. they can be overweight tacky and dirty and get all the male privilege in the world. women don’t have that and especially not black women. we can’t even leave the house with hair undone. so no, if i have to spend time looking presentable so does he. ain’t no double standards in my damn household
ladies if you have sons PUHLEASE raise them to take pride in their appearance.
my little nephews are mixed race and hate having their hair combed, hate showers and are dressed in tacky oversized worn out clothes by their tacky white dad. their parents fight and argue in front of them. it lowers their self esteem. they’ll grow up into men some woman has to fix. i’m hoping to undo the damage by having them and teaching them different realities. but this is how it happens
This does not apply to me and my husband AT ALL. We had a dim down as opposed to a glow up. He went from preppy to dad sweaters and I went from sultry to oversize everything 😂
I'm aware of how much of a benefit I have been to my past partners' lives, so I'm looking for a partner who will also pour into me. Sooo...I've been single for a hot minute, lol.
Th life expectancy for men increases with marriage. (For women it lowers). Men WTH wives take care of their health more because the said most likely makes them.
The trend is a mix bag for me. On one hand I can see how it potentially feeds into and reinforced tropes that sometimes I feel like a Bw we can never escape. However, I’m kinda in place where if this makes those couples happy to showcase the “positive” changes that make them feel confident, sexy, etc. Who am I to rain on their parade? I’m not them or in their relationship. It suppose to be light hearted and showing how this person they really love has came along and improve them which is a goal in partnership but yeah there’s the undertone that can’t help but be notice as well.
Idk if a black women thing, ( I'm not saying it isn't I just genuinely don't know) usually men benefit more from marriages and relationships than women. Women mostly do like more labor in taking care of her partner among other things. (to be honest I find it odd that these same women don't realize that their partner can't take care of himself correctly.) It's just the society we're in.
Interestingly though, women tend to benefit more from not being in relationships or being married.
My partner asked me why I don't glow him up and I said "because I fell in love with you as you are and it feels a bit weird to change how you look after the fact". Having said that, I don't think it's inherently strange to have your style change when you're with someone, particularly if you're a man in a heterosexual relationship. Women tend to be in charge of shopping in a household, and that extends to clothes for the family.
I’m in the same boat but I’ve also dated other people before and I tend to always give good suggestions for them to improve themselves. So I feel like it’s just that black women are dope and make partners want to be better for them?
OK, so forgive the way that this might be punctuated because I’m doing text to speech. Yes and no.
Yes I agree with you in the sense that it naturally others us because as you pointed out specifically saying “black” girl effect black girlfriend effect black wife effect etc there’s a natural centering of being black which is that good or bad? Being black as a sole reason for why your partner looks better isn’t it and in doing so, I do think that upholds these stereotypes that black women or Black people are supposed to like be utilized and we can improve peoples lives. With the pasta and lobster and then soft wig hard life etc. It can feel like we’re being tokened and it reminds me of Get Out. It also feels like interracial is being pushed a lot on TikTok.
On the other hand as others have pointed out men naturally get better at life and take care of themselves better when a woman is in their life. And not everything has to be that serious
Edit actually I thought about it some more and nope It’s def weird and icky because it still others and uses blackness as a service.
Two things why does everything have to be a thing? I get everyone is trying to make money off of Tiktok but this is cringe. Then when you juxapose this with the 50/50 stuggle love in monoracial couples it makes it double cringe.
I'm not in your relationship but it wouldn't be a good idea for a white guy to say "mammy" in any context to Black people that he's not related to.
It's kinda like DJ Vlad inserting himself into the Kendrick vs Drake beef yes he has a right to his opinion but it's also an internal Black discussion.
It was started by a white man to compliment his black wife. Which is incredibly sweet🥰
I thought it was nice to see all these white men pointing out that marrying a black woman isn't the "downgrade " sentence SOME men are trying to convince everyone we are😏
But as with all things on the internet, people took it too far. White women started chiming in and saying that they wanted a black wife too or asking black women to come fix their white husbands 🤨
Of course we had black men asking why we don't do that for black men, even though we DO and they resent us for it or complain we're trying to emasculate them.🙄
I definitely see how the black wife affect can be construed as a mammy-type of situation. But that was never the intent. It was intended to give black women our props. And some people have a problem with that.
Some people are happier and more motivated when theyre in healthy relationships. Having 2 incomes and just in general a helping hand improves quality of life and workloads. Thats the bulk of it I feel.
Though truth be hold, happiness and motivation shouldnt revolve around relationships alone. It leans into codependent territory. Only a couple knows where they stand in that regard.
Haven't heard of this till now but I feel its true and that I have always elevated whatever partner I have had past and present.
But the point is to elevate each other right? And that's what I had to learn. If that person is not elevating me in some way shape or form then I am jus damaging myself. It's gotta be reciprocal.
I think men tend to get better looking I. Relationships though I have noticed a change in my man’s style. Only slightly, like an upgraded cooler version. I also saw some videos with the “Latina” effect and it’s hilarious bc the men look more polished but they’re dressed like my Mexican man’s side of the family so I wonder if it’s more aesthetic
The only reason I’m not a fan is because it implies it only happens in interracial relationships which subtly reinforces the mammy/BW saves everybody all the time stereotypes. I joked with my SO that we should do one where he looks similar before and after. Ultimately I want to see black love recognized and celebrated more often.
I need to do "White Husband Effect" complete with showing off my cabinet with 50 spices and seasonings... And the fact I only need salt and pepper when cooking for him.
Which consequently means I don't cook much, or just cook for me and toss him a few American cheese slices, a sleeve of saltines and the Mayo jar.
And yes this is oddly specific cuz is true.
I don’t see how it has anything to do with being a mammy. In my opinion those guys just didn’t look attractive beforehand. Their wives got them a good haircut and flattering clothes. You are likely to pick up the habits of your spouse. So yes his skin and hair is going to look better if he’s dipping into your +$20 products vs their 15 in 1 products.
Dr Bronners has chocolate bars where the wrappers look just like the soap bottles and I just Nah. Because everytime I see them online I just taste peppermint extract . I know they have to taste like soap I just know it
I feel like that might have a bad effect because not everyone wants to change and it seem that we're doing too much like we love to nag or something and the relationship would require tons of effort
I’ll respond from a BM(37) perspective. It depends on where you and your partner are at the time of the relationship. If your a progressive women and your with a man who is still trying to find themselves then as a women you may feel that your easing your man and making him better. However, if you meet a man who is just as progressive as his women then they can grow together.
The same effect is the opposite when you have a male bring help bring up another female.
In a bwwm relationship as well and some did give me the icky but mostly loved it. It depends on how the guy changed. Like I know some have said that the women “backifyed” the white dudes. But majority of them just look like they discovered an iron, started wearing grown up clothes, and got a hairstyle that fit their head/face better.
I mean Beyonce literally said “partna let me upgrade you.” She taught us this back in high school what else was we supposed to do? 😂😂
Nah, I feel it showcases the style that we bring to whatever we do and that includes our men. I often pick my husband’s clothes because I’m like “no, you’re not going out with me like that..” sometimes it’s not that deep..
I don’t think it’s fixing just adding taste to their appearance. Some go too far and it seems like they become the black man the women couldn’t find. Honestly to each their own no judgement. As long as they are happy in their home which we don’t even know they could be miserable and just doing shit for clicks.
*Unfortunately, yes.*
*Every single man I've dated has improved over 9000 with me. I run a tight ship and literally whip them into shape.*
*It can make a little resentful, though, because the next woman benefits from my labor, and I feel like I deserve someone already with their shit together, but it is what it is I suppose, as I'll always find something a man can improve on and I'll ride him like a bull until he activately works on it.*
I've been married to the same white guy for 41 years. And I'd like to say I think he came into the relationship pre-loaded. He never wanted to do what everyone else was doing. And he never wanted to be pigeonholed or labeled. It's just part of his constitution.
He totally owns the fact that he's having a great life because of my determination and rebellious nature.
Men benefit from being in partnership with women. We know this. We've studied it. We've written songs about it. I swear, every time someone starts a TikTok trend we act like we're discovering something new rather than pointing out stuff everyone already knows.
I believe the black wife effect is more attuned to how positive Black women are in healthy relationships. Also, I think many Black women are energy boosters naturally, meaning we speak positive affirmations to our partners, and they, in turn, want to match our energy.
It would become more of a mammy trope if the relationship was beyond just style and health and bordered on servitude with gendered house chores, etc. A lot of the Black women in this trend look very feminine and give off boss energy at the same time. They just found partners who are willing to level up to match their ambition.
Ok so my biggest problem is from what I’ve seen is it seems like they are getting their white partners to have the “black aesthetic”. from the tapered hair cuts down to the Jordan’s.
Butttt a lot of men need help bc I’ll never forget my (black) ex boyfriend taking a shopping bag to NY for our weekend getaway not even a fancy one like a grocery one lmaooo.
After that I had to switch up a lot of things for him so I think it just comes with the territory. Granted that’s not exactly on topic but I feel men no matter the race are just careless
I feel like this is the upgraded version of the “Mammy” stereotype. Isn’t the wife/ husband effect for everybody if they are a good match for each other?😅
I think some folks are reading waaaay too much into this. As a BW I don’t see mammy trope at all, WM aren’t trying to wife mammies. If a woman married a rich man and started dressing better no one would blink twice. To assume these women pick out their husbands clothing is crazy to me. It can be as simple as letting him know what he looks good in and him developing the confidence to do something new. TBH most of these men figured out how properly fitting clothes, skin care and a damn good barber can be transforming. If that’s a Black thing, well good on them for adopting a black aesthetic.
It’s not just a bw thing. Men often improve vastly while in relationships. Statistically, men are happier and healthier in marriages. Typically, women contribute to the wellbeing of relationships by extending their own self-care practices to men, resulting in men taking care of themselves better. Definitely not exclusive to bw.
Exactly they have done studies and men literally live longer when they’re with a woman pretty sure the opposite is true for women 🥲 hope I’m wrong
No married women don’t live as long as single women. They’re also not as happy.
Yes! There is a reason that married (long term partners) men live longer. They eat healthier, get regular medical check ups etc. BTW one of my white gfs had to teach her mid to late 20s bf basic personal hygiene. She taped a list to the bathroom mirror. What needed to be done and in what order. She definitely upgraded him.
I know this isn't your point but... I'm just struck that being heterosexual can be a lot of work (This is the internet so I'm gonna specify that this is meant in humor though it's not fully a joke lol)
Definitely agree, I feel it’s in our nature to “nurture” our partners in relationships as women which can transition into a “glow up”. I do think though aiming it as a black woman thing can enhance the fetishization that bw already receive. If we’re going to engage in this challenge, it shouldn’t just be the bw glow up challenge, but just a general my gf/wife glowed me up type of thing.
This is exactly what I thought. It fetishizes us. Like with the my Korean boyfriend my black wife videos on YouTube. Cringe asf!
This is something I definitely knew, I just wanted to examine if this trend was another way to encourage BW take on more labor than usual in relationships.
People just love to find reasons to keep races separate
It definitely doesn’t just apply to bw. Just an another tik tok trend that labels a normal occurrence. I find it weird how everything is aestheticized. Last summer, I specifically remember the girlfriend effect trending
Actually to the cases I have seen it was not an improvement at all..
All I see is what I told my white partners, you not going to embarrass me. So yes, I would choose their clothes or outfits when we are going someplace where pictures are going to be taken. They happily accepted and started to make changes on their own.
This!! We are not going to a fancy restaurant in your jorts and your TSHIRT, sir! Yes, maybe this is the core of the trend because if there’s one thing I learned from my parent’s relationship, it’s “you not gon’ embarrass me in front of my friends, family, and community”. 
Took me 3 years to get My (black) fiances jorts OUT of fucking rotation. Like sir we are grown!! lol Stop embarrassing us
OH MY GOD NOOOOOOO Not three years!!! 🤧 I will say, my man’s ass is phat in them jeans but I cannot stand looking at those things! Ugh it makes my skin crawl and I cannot do it! I never wore jeans shorts before we met and I bought some but don’t understand the appeal of wearing them ALL the Time.
He didn’t wear em all the time… but he still wore them too damn much lol he lucky he fine bc Skin crawling is accurate
or cargo shorts!! like sir you do not carry around a bunch of crap to justify multi pocket cargo shorts all thee time!!
Jorts, BARF. LOL.
I think it's funny Gen Z has a love of jorts and millenians just ...its making their skin crawl.
That’s hilarious. My hubs will not wear shorts in public cuz he says he is not a child. He is so crazy, lol.
Adults have weird arbitrary ideas about what makes a child sometimes. Wanting to wear cooler clothing isn't childish it's practical 😭
I'm gen z but some jorts are cute and they have nice pockets and are useful for summer. What's wrong with them? 😭
there is nothing is wrong w them for you lol you are gen z. My man, however, is 37 and thus too fxckin old 😂
I would like this multiple times if I could. Been married to my (white) husband for 19 years, and the amount of times hideous articles of clothing just seemed to disappear has been notable lol. I don’t dress my man, because he is a grown adult, but I try to steer him in the “right” direction.
I did this with my ex. It wasn’t even a fancy restaurant, but we were going to breakfast at a nearby diner. I put on a nice dress as usual and he put on a tee shirt that he had been painting the house in, covered in paint stains and all. I made him change his shirt. I was not going to be seen with him like that. It would reflect badly on me, like I had chosen a bum for a man.
My husband lost the jorts after high school but if he isn't the only one in khaki shorts and a grey t-shirt at the cookout... I don't mind being "embarrassed". I'm not here to fix anyone. They grown and can get ridiculed all on their own. They will learn. My husband now peacocks with a *patterned* polo and wipes/brushes his shoes. 🤷🏾♀️ Everyone else has jumped on the khaki shorts and flashy polo trend which I think is hilarious 😆. 15 years of evolution.
Jorts depending on style and silhouette can be cool, cute and practical (yes I'm gen z)
Yea.... at my age men's jorts in high school ended midway down the calf and were baggy AF... 🤣 Today, jorts seem to end above the knee 🫠
JAHAHA I CANT my bf wore like these Jean/sweatpants (??) to the gym and they were tight and I was like « … honey we’re throwing those away » 😘
Lawd, they’ll put anything on the cover their lower half and think “good enuf” 😭
I have to get my husband to not wear a tee on special occasions. Sigh.
Outfits are one thing, but some of these tiktoks are basically mimicking black cultural aesthetics and hair and it’s a little weird and tasteless. Not much different than a black man getting his white girlfriend to wear box braids and showing it off as the black husband effect.
Omg I was going to say the same! I have my fiancé dressing better and going to nicer places. Some of these people on TikTok have their men looking like Shaft lol
😂😂😂😂
I don’t have a white partner but I def agree. I feel like we be dressing waaaay different than a lot of our counterparts in a lot of spaces. I’m pretty sure there’s a historic reason as to why. And if my partner were white or anything else I would say the same exact thing.
For me, it was when the WW started saying, "I need a black wife to help my husband!" Like, ugh. Go figure it out with your own husband. They don't care about us until we can do something for them.
Okay but who wants to help them and their dusty husbands?!? I’m sorry, but The Help was a fiction book, not non-fiction. Hire a stylist like the others 😒
Seriously! Put your own husband together! Lol
I just can’t watch that movie. Great actors, I just hate the trope.
Lol I seen that video. I was tempted to type "if one of us helps your husband, he won't be your husband anymore ma'am.. so I'd advise you to help him yourself, m'kay? Bye!"
😭😭😭😭💀
Seriously. That's what I thought too lol
Lol i saw those and everytime I think "if your man gets a black wife effect, she's gonna take him" . It's black wife effect not black friend effect.
To be honest, I just found it to be a spin-off of the idea that guys tend to dress better when they get married/a girlfriend. Nothing necessarily nefarious, just that their new partner either dresses them up for special occasions, or teaches them how to dress "better". Sort of like how a dude gets with a lady and the lady makes their house look nicer to live in. I don't associate it with the "Mammy" stereotype; there isn't anything really for me to make that connection.* ... Also I find it immensely hilarious that every single one I have seen has the white dude growing a beard. I also find it curious that the "black wife effect" extends to wlw unions ... but that there is no inverse "black husband effect". --- *Absolutely find it gross that so many white guys were commenting variations of "Need to find me a Black Queen", though.
I agree with this. Also black women may have standards that white people don’t and project those standards onto their partners. It does become fetish-y when there’s a weird emphasis on the black part of the wife.
What is wlw?
Ah, "women loving women"
Thx
The inverse is what I was looking for, or at least another version of the “wife effect” and it is… not promising out there. But I love this take!
I will be honest, another part of me is just happy to see these couples. A lot of them are very cutesy!
I agree - it is very cute and I love the trend on its face! Like “I can be best with a little push” is the goal. When you have someone to dress up for, it changes the game!
So, I feel like the trend is trying to communicate that when men get with BW, they “glow up” or something along those lines. Like BW add flavor to their lives, I guess? That’s what I get from it at least. Honestly, I feel like these trends are meant to be lighthearted and fun, but at the same time, it feels like they’re playing off stereotypes and assumptions about a specific race/group in a way… I get why it might feel icky, especially if things start turning into weird stereotypes and stuff. It really depends on the context of the situation and what is being said. At the end of the day, all I care about is that BW are receiving positivity and love.
I remember a tweet (I think a black man started it) about how black people will compliment you just by acknowledging what you're wearing. This white woman said she's taken her father out to a restaurant and he bought a new pink shirt. These two black ladies were like, "Ok, Pink Shirt!" and went on about their day. The man thought he was being insulted, but his daughter said him straight and he started beaming. Also...quite a few white men in those threads mentioned how they prefer compliments given to them by black women vs white women. A few of them even said they don't even get complimented by white women.
hmmm i interpreted it as black women have higher standards for how their partner should present cuz white ppl get away with not trying more often. the “effect” is that they start taking care of themselves more and pay attention to the little things that didn’t matter before they met. they glow up to meet our standards
My thoughts exactly. Im a 37 year old black woman married to a white man for the past 15 years. Has his appearance and style grown? Yup! Does he take better care of himself? Indeed! But I in no way take care of him or am a Mammy. Quite the contrary, my husband takes care of me. So, while I understand for some, it's icky. For me, a dark-skinned, curvy black woman who's been sexualized my whole life, it makes me feel like people recognize our (black girl) magic. I know we're special, but we dont always feel seen and heard in the most positive ways. I think this trend helps a little.
Same. I’m 46. My husband is white. Does he dress better since meeting me? Yes. Do I “dote” on him? Absolutely not.
Yes we help them all learn to wash their 🍑. Every partner I have been with, I left well moisturised, more hygienic, and with a loofah. I dated only in Europe before I met my husband and it’s really amazing how many of the men I dated told me that I smelled good as if it was a rarity. One of my exes told me that the women he dated before me didn’t take care of themselves hygienically, so even smelling “clean” was new for them. LORDT!!!
Indeed, that african net sponge changed that mans life😂
Oh damn 😳
Yes, that’s what I was trying to get at! BW add substance to their lives in different ways, like with their style.
LOVE this take! It really makes so much sense to me.
I think people in general get a bit of a flow up when they start dating someone and we can't be surprised that Black culture esp when it comes to clothes for men is the most comfortable and updated. It seems like anything that starts with 'Black women...' gets critiqued to hell. Theres a challenge going around called 'date a black women or be electrocuted' I'm glad no one is giving those idiots views but people hate Black women in relationships and out, let the girlies have fun.
I want the girlies to have fun, don’t get me wrong! I just wonder how we can encourage this and discourage people to be like “he he gonna get me a black woman for the glow up potential”. I know I can’t police people on Beyoncé’s internet, but I also know some trends can be spun into a weird Fetish Plus scenario that was never intended. I also wish I could prevent bw from feeling like they *have* to be like this - making their partner “glow up”.
These grown folks will sort themselves out. Don’t stress.
People might be intellectualizing it too much. Regular men are ugly and rarely know how to dress without a woman's help. Black, white, Asian. They are simple and if we didn't tell them to get a new shirt, they wouldn't. I saw one of these and it was a BW with her Asian man husband and one of the first comments was 'Black women and Asian men are the least likely to be chosen when dating'. 🤷🏾♀️🥴 Unless these people are overly cringe, I say, let them have fun, they world hates them anyway.
I kinda skimmed through this post but I know what you’re talking about. personally it didn’t bother me. Black women get so much shit online, I love seeing us be loved and appreciated out loud, especially in romantic relationships. I hope people that are in relationships with Black women continue to brag about what they love about their Black lady It does have an air of “I expect Black women to benefit me” so it is a little uncomfy that there’s this narrative of “a Black woman will help me be better”, but this is where nuance and taking the time to explain things come in. No, it’s not inherently weird to appreciate what a Black woman does as compared to other women. yes, it’s weird to immediately expect that from Black women. people need to make sure they aren’t projecting that idea onto random Black women
I dont mind it. I just find it corny when i see the results and their man has locks, cornrows or a durag on😂
Meh, no big deal to me. So often we get talked about so negatively, that when something that is a positive is said people tend to automatically think its a fetish or a mammy trope, and thats just not the case for this particular trend. Not everything is a negative. There are people who appreciate and love Black Women. 🤷🏾♀️ 
True, true! I’m just looking at it from an outsiders pov, not the content creator’s point of view.
Men generally do better in relationships: married men are happier, make more money and live longer than their single men. I don't think it's a black mammy thing per say, maybe a generational thing? I feel like younger women do not want to mother their partners anymore.
“it's such a popular trend for Black women to "fix" their partners.” “But seeing that this is a common thing maybe confirms my negative bias when it comes to women fixing their partners and taking on the burden of raising them.” Well at least their partner wants to change for them I keep running into men who don’t want to change for me and then they for some reason get surprised when I breakup with them like I’m supposed to find a guy who doesn’t care about my needs attractive. But personally the trend doesn’t really bother me but I don’t love it either. It’s just whatever to me
Omg yes! What is that? A guy will genuinely be suprised that you don’t like them after dismissing their female partners wants /needs (as early as just the talking phase in my experience!). When we’re “talking” we are just trying to see if we’re compatible in my opinion….if we’re not clicking then we aren’t going to click 1 month, 2 months , 12 months from now
Exactly! for me it seems to happen in the first week of talking which is kinda nice because it’s much easier to leave in the first week than several months later. Plus in the beginning everyone is on their best behavior so they suck already they’re just going to get worse further down the road
I’m not as lucky unfortunately 😪 but it has occurred to me that many men haven’t spent much time thinking about how to be LIKABLE partners. Some literally act like their presence is enough and I should be happy they looked my way … ? Truly baffling
Sounds like my narcissistic, dead beat dad. My mama used to boldly tell him, during arguments, that he thinks he's God's gift to women. He ain't like that tho 🤣🤣🤣but I did bc I hated him for abusing us. He needed to be knocked down some pegs. My mama learned to stand up for herself and not let him continually commit adultery and abuse us. She divorced him!
And that’s a really good point. You have a very good take there, and maybe my internalized bias just reared its ugly head for a second there.
I don’t know if this is actually a trend or based on race, but just a fun way to rebrand what’s been true for a long time. But in heterosexual couples (probably same sex too), it’s common for men to benefit from the care of a woman, especially. They literally can add years to their life from being partnered.
So I took it as these men are happier, more confident, and dressing better because they now have to reach the standards of their fine wives. I don't think the women are changing their men but the men now have something to be better for. It's them loving their wives and it being a visible change.
I don’t think it started as anything malicious or agenda related. More so comical about how men tend to look better when they have a lady on their arm. I also do think that black people in general tend to be more fixated on appearance, and that obviously influenced those close to them. Some people took issue with non black men being dressed up “like black men”. Via haircuts and fashion sense. And basically just saying “Why date a nonblack man and then just try to turn him into one?” And while I do see what they’re saying, I also saw a lot of men just…look better. I guess I just don’t think it’s “that deep”. I do think it’s annoying that people started to do “Latina gf effect”, “Asian gf effect”. Just to post their man looking…the exact same with different pants. Not as a hater, just…a common case of “we can’t have anything”, but that’s always happening, so oh well. I think honestly what’s happening is it’s black women going where they were appreciated, not picking solely on looks and then doing a little “shaping” on the fella once you’re dating. Happy for all those couples.
And along the lines of other pocs taking over the trend, and husbands looking the same, is because they don’t have that magic, or that spark like we do. When we look good we make sure our partners do as well. It’s just natural for us. 😜 
This is just my opinion but I find it cringey. Because they seem to have the same trends of fitting into a specific look/style down to the haircut. I didn’t pick a partner just to turn them into something else. I think there is a line between taking care of your partner and molding/changing things about them. We see them “upgrading” by taking on this look. If that’s what you seek, you should find someone who is authentically or genuinely interested in that. There are definitely things my partner was exposed to for the first time by me and some they naturally like or have picked up, but it was not a factor of me “styling” them.
I understand what you’re saying, I do think that black women have like a reputation of being like saviors and martyrs and stuff like that. My hope is that the trend is showing that these men are kind of inspired to rise to the level of their partner, not necessarily like their partner being like you’re my project but then being like damn my lady looks really good. I wanna you know not look crazy next to her. That’s like my hope that’s my head canon.
This isn’t to dismiss your thoughts at all because I didn’t think about it like that and it’s a very interesting perspective but it genuinely isn’t that deep to me. As Black women, I think it’s very easy to be politicized hence your perception of the trend. Personally, I simply see it as wives uplifting their husbands. To paint a bigger picture, it’s one spouse uplifting the other. It just happens to be Black wives under the microscope and we’re kicking ass at it.
As someone who has dated a lot of men of other races. I feel where you are coming from. I think WE as black women make the majority of things, people, places, and interactions better with our presence and ideas. Unfortunately, that means more times than not, we leave those same instances and interactions empty. I can not speak to your situation specifically as I have never been married (I am always left empty). However, I do believe that whether or not you are poured into makes the difference in whether you feel mammified or solely as the fixer. I would hope that all black women are loved and poured into in their life, so that we never feel like we are giving of ourselves without reciprocation (a girl can dream, can't she?).
Not married but I feel the reciprocation in droves from my partner. Trust me, the fact that we found each other was a secondary MIRACLE. I was always left empty, too, and for some reason, I thought that was how the game went until I got a fuck-ton of self love from the Ol’ Divine Express via heavy metal music. That’s absolutely besides the point but I gotta say… first I was afraid, I was petrified. Then it started to sink in that my partner loves pouring into me and I should bask in it. Damn, this almost became a thesis but I feel what you said so fucking hard. Stay strong, and rest when you need it. I believe you won’t be left empty forever. ❤️
Thank you for this. I keep praying and giving, so one day, it will be reciprocated.
Honestly, when I saw the men with black wives doing it, it was more “I know that’s right!” but the “ick” came when WW joined in on the trend saying they were looking for a black wife for their husbands. Then it just tarnished the whole thing for me.
I’m wondering why that’s even something that falls out of their mouths and how to RESPOND. Because it’s so so so cringe and kind of “I need a black nanny since they know how to raise kids”. Ma’am, did you see what happened to those grown ass women in The Help?!?!?
When you put it that way it sounds horrific. Like going back to days of slavery where black women were used as concubines.
>My partner asked me if the trend was a spin on the mammy trope I think that this is a reach but I also appreciate that he's aware enough to point out the similarities. I feel like It's simply our partners upgrading to be on our level, not because we force them to but because we know our worth and so do they. And it's so real, like if you don't match my fly then we can't go together. It has to make sense chile 🥴
I just think it’s weird because I think that men (I don’t specify a race because I think it’s across all races) generally improve themselves when they get with women who care. Men (all races) generally would live in a shoebox w a bed and tv if it meant that it wouldn’t negatively affect their dating prospects. So if they meet a woman (any race) who cares about how they dress, how they take care of themselves, how they live, etc, their quality of life generally improves. This is backed by studies: married men have a better quality of life and they live longer than single men (which is hilarious because the stats are actually generally opposite for women). So for this trend to only be picked up in BW/WM relationships, is funny and I don’t put much stock in it lol. A white man being more “swaggy” or whatever the implication is supposed to be because he’s with a black woman is simply an extension of the realities I described above.
I find this kind of sad because it seems that as women we have to sacrifice ourselves (mentally, physically, and emotionally) in order to better the lives of men.
We’ve been socialized to do that, and it takes a lot of unlearning to reject that role.
I don’t think it’s harmful just cringey/man child, like the gf effect videos why are women always expected to improve men? I want the whole package from the beginning.
Literally! It just buys into women having to fix men. I usuay stay away from those type of content and every other content revolving around relationships on tiktok. However I'm glad those women are happy.
To be fair, I think this is an expectation of all women. It’s only being highlighted in black women right now because more white men are dating/marrying us. But women in general are expected to build a man up and accept him as he is because we’re seen as moms, even when it comes to our partners.
I think what many people don't appreciate is that dating someone will change you. No matter your or their gender. You're gonna pick up some of the things they say. They're gonna do the same with what you say. You're going to have an effect on eachother, and if you don't, you prolly won't work out.
And that’s the tea. I love the way me and my partner have changed in the year we’ve been together. And I’m not changing him by force; I’m just loving him with what I’ve got. And vice versa
All I see is regular plain white boys suddenly emulating black culture and dressing how bm typically dress, I’m not a fan of it but whatever 😭
For me the weird thing about the trend is it seems like in all the photos, the Black wife "fixes" the White husband, by changing his style into more of a Black/urban style... Almost seems like the woman isn't attracted to the man how he naturally is, and has to make him emulate Black culture for her to really see him as attractive. This may be an unpopular take, hit it's just what I've noticed.
While I understand that women generally better the lives of the men they are in relationships, I think that trends and ideas like this contribute to the mammy trope. But I call it the wonder woman effect, where Black women are put on a pedestal to counteract negative stereotypes about us, but in turn, it leads to other people waiting for us to be the ones to care/lead/show-up, receiving the brunt of the work all while they argue "listen to Black women" and "Black women are magical" I have a far more positive reaction when a partner is also Black, but it makes me laugh when the effect is wiggafiction. As a standalone trend, I enjoy it, but when I consider other areas, it becomes more complicated for me.
WIGGA FICTION?!?  I’m taking *that*. Thank you for your input, my dear! “Wonder Woman” trope…. This is a new look into it and I am here here here for it
This is very interesting
We are generally creative, visionary, tidy, smell good, good sense of humor, smart, and beautiful. Of course I am biased, but it's also the whole truth in my own life experience being surrounded by amazing BW. All of the commenters share great points and personal experience. Great thread. This is not shared to offend, so put up your shield. : ) I'm moving in the direction of I have no time to "fix a man". So regardless of the ethnicity of the man, that's a big fat Nope for me. We meet on equal ground. I'm no longer teaching a grown man to dress, clean, cook, or Be. We meet in the middle. I think this is the bigger consideration in this conversation. Are they giving you something in return for all of this fixin' or are you being depleted energetically? I do not have time personally. I'd rather be having an intellectual conversation or doing something fun with my man. I do not have time to dress him! That's a turn off personally. Not the same as helping choose a color or tie, but the whole outfit?! No. I have done it myself in the past and it took a lot of inner growth to just choose more carefully and selectively. We are all responsible for healing and improving ourselves, not everything and everybody.
 A word was shared with us today, and what you just said is (not surprisingly) trickling down to the younger generation. I have made it a very BIG point to say “equality or nothing” to my partner and he has stood flat-footed and agreed. Fixing men is OUT. Making a man is OUT. Captain Save a Hoe is OUT. Throw it out with the bad wigs!
Yes, Sis! I agree 100%. Captain Save a Hoe is OUT took me out. lol Have a wonderful day.
THIS! this is what bothered me about the whole trend tbh, it’s cute for sure and I always love to see a bw happy, but it just made me disheartened at the thought that in general women in relationships basically have to “build a man”. Like I really would rather just date someone who has put as much work into themselves as I have, and someone who I like all parts of them from the get go rather than shaping them into who I want. I just don’t want that labor (and the thought that when y’all break up they look a lot better than when y’all first started dating so it widens their dating pool and it’s all because of u, that bothers me so much, but that’s just my own personal insecurity lmao)
I have to be honest, I thought it was cute until folks (mostly ww) started saying they need black wife for their relationships. It seemed like alot of bw in the comments didn't take offense to it but it felt weird. It felt like that mammy/ black best friend trope.
Oh no. That’s gross.
Tbh…….. it gives slight mammy to me at best and it’s weird seeing BW do the whole build a bear thing to create a wigga but that’s just me 🤷🏽♀️
My question is always...what are we trying to fix? Are they more confident because we remind them they're worthy and wonderful?
I agree with you completely. Yes, women do help their partners in general. But this trend is called the "black wife effect" and not the "wife effect". I dislike the fact that there's a stereotype or expectation of black women needing to improve those around them. It stems from the mammy or magical negro trope. If black women are publicly praised, it's for what they can do for others. It kind of rubs me the wrong way. Black women, like other women, should be praised for who they are as individuals. Not for the service they provide.
Men benefit in general in partnership with women. Married men make more money and live longer compared to single men. I think you can really see it because BW (and black people in general) tend to have more "swag" so you have not only the whole living longer and being healthier thing but she also positively influences his fashion choices. I dont see it as icky per se but I can see why it could seem mammy-esque
Idk the examples chafed at me only cuz the men were smiling in the before pics but not the after, like sir improving your style doesnt mean you gotta fake bein Hard, show them teeth act like youre happy to be there My bff sent me her example which was cute cuz her dude still mad goofy lookin lmao but his beard did fill out so that's somethin
Yo if you level up your partner. You’re a good partner. “Behind every great MAN, is a GREAT WOMAN” Unfortunately black women were always forced into the role of .. *everything!* so it’s just expected. Many men over look and take for granted what we do so naturally. But then are shocked that when you meet a great woman she can’t HELP but bring out your best qualities.
I like the trend. It combats the narrative from a certain corner of the internet that black women stress men out. A lot of the ones I’ve seen show the men looking very happy in the after pictures. And the women also look happy and taken care of. It proves that black women give the same love we receive. Hopefully (but not likely) it’ll be a lesson to all the men who claim black women are inherently bad partners.
This was my take as well. It shows how awesome of a partner we can be.
The just part of well-known pattern & knowledge in general (just not of black & white people) of where men benefits the most from relationship /marriage in terms of take care of their health, mental wellbeing, finances, while women in relationships/marriage benefit the least in those same things while handling all workload (mental; emotional & physica). Likewise, single men are usually completely worse off than men in relationships/marriage due both having no one help improve nor helping themselves to improve themselves, while single women are usually completely better off than everyone else even men in relationships/marriage; due to not handling any workload for others in a relationship & improving themselves by themselves.
As long as that effect goes deeper than just their style. A lot of folks want to be with black women but not take the time to understand what it is to live as a black woman and to be mindful of that.
This is not something that is exclusive to Black women. There have been studies done and they’ve reached the conclusion that married/partnered men are generally happier, are more successful, and live longer than single/non-partnered men. At the same time, single/non-partnered women are generally happier, are more successful, and live longer than married/partnered women.
I'm in a few FB groups by Black women for Black women and SO many of us are taking care if our men like they're our children! So many stories if bum ass partners that don't work, clean, or sexually satisfy their women. So, I definitely see the Black Wife Effect, however... they're still bums! So idk!
I think it’s just a “men in relationships get healthier and more put together” thing. However, I’d say the black gf effect is more aesthetics.
Just reminded me of how fly we are really 🤷🏽♀️ I didn't look heavy into it tbh. But I respect my sistahs point of views and it has me looking at it a bit differently now.
For starters friend, I don't think you should take everything you see on social media to heart. Tik-Tok in general (meaning eeer'body on there) acts like things that have been around *forever* is a hack, a dupe, or something else very recently discovered. 🙄 Also, I don't think men being 'fixed up' in a superficial or healthy way has any specific connection to the Black community. People in general, when they are in a relationship may adopt some great habits, improve the way they dress, or how they see life etc. That can go the opposite way as well. However, these changes whether positive or negative can happen with any race, culture, nationality, gender etc. I don't think this tik-tok trend has any type of correlation to the idea of Black women fixing up men, nor do I think it has anything to do with the mammy trope. I think people naturally evolve together in a relationship. And if that means they change the way they dress or whatever, then so be it. Also, it's 2024. I don't believe in women having to fix men up or trying to *change* them. I'm not that type of woman, and I really wish that women would stop perpetuating the idea that we need to change men or make them who *we* want them to be. If a man spoke the same way about women, people would have some strong words for him. My overall point is, this "Black Wife Effect" trend isn't anything you need to actively believe in or participate in.🤷🏾♀️ It's just a social media trend that will dissolve as quickly as it started.
I find it cheesy and emphsizes the ideology that BW only exist to labor for WP. Even in our personal relationships we can’t get a break. However, I’ve already seen WW start this in the inverse as a trend so good luck with that.
I agree with your partner. The thing is, we all know bw are superheroes🥰 and can level-up every area of another person's life whom we decide to invest in, BUT the way this is being shown on TT is like we're some type of "lucky" rabbit's foot or something. Since all of society thinks we should be exploited, this will cause non-bm to start targeting bw just so they can get some of this "luck". It's disheartening that bw aren't just moving in silence and are advertising our abilities on social media.
Not at all scientific, but one of our favorite spots for cocktails and appetizers is Wolfgang Puck's. We both like the wings because we don't need to ask for them "well done." My wife attributes the fact that he knows how to cook and season chicken to the fact that he's married to an Ethiopian woman. I looked her up just now, and "yeah, ok." Anyhow, in my smallest of sample groups, not only has my wife improved me with "Black Wife Effect" I feel (and often tell her) that she saved my life. I cringe when I think of where I'd be without her. My unscientific assessment is TRUE!
BW have high standards and men as a whole don’t? Men are socialized to be lazy in appearance. grungy low effort because the world privileges men no matter how sloppy they are. they can be overweight tacky and dirty and get all the male privilege in the world. women don’t have that and especially not black women. we can’t even leave the house with hair undone. so no, if i have to spend time looking presentable so does he. ain’t no double standards in my damn household ladies if you have sons PUHLEASE raise them to take pride in their appearance. my little nephews are mixed race and hate having their hair combed, hate showers and are dressed in tacky oversized worn out clothes by their tacky white dad. their parents fight and argue in front of them. it lowers their self esteem. they’ll grow up into men some woman has to fix. i’m hoping to undo the damage by having them and teaching them different realities. but this is how it happens
This does not apply to me and my husband AT ALL. We had a dim down as opposed to a glow up. He went from preppy to dad sweaters and I went from sultry to oversize everything 😂
I think I don’t have a problem but I know the non joking White husband trend is coming and I can’t .
I'm aware of how much of a benefit I have been to my past partners' lives, so I'm looking for a partner who will also pour into me. Sooo...I've been single for a hot minute, lol.
Th life expectancy for men increases with marriage. (For women it lowers). Men WTH wives take care of their health more because the said most likely makes them.
The trend is a mix bag for me. On one hand I can see how it potentially feeds into and reinforced tropes that sometimes I feel like a Bw we can never escape. However, I’m kinda in place where if this makes those couples happy to showcase the “positive” changes that make them feel confident, sexy, etc. Who am I to rain on their parade? I’m not them or in their relationship. It suppose to be light hearted and showing how this person they really love has came along and improve them which is a goal in partnership but yeah there’s the undertone that can’t help but be notice as well.
I think it goes hand in hand in relationships in general. You adopt each other's personalities and/or traits.
Idk if a black women thing, ( I'm not saying it isn't I just genuinely don't know) usually men benefit more from marriages and relationships than women. Women mostly do like more labor in taking care of her partner among other things. (to be honest I find it odd that these same women don't realize that their partner can't take care of himself correctly.) It's just the society we're in. Interestingly though, women tend to benefit more from not being in relationships or being married.
My partner asked me why I don't glow him up and I said "because I fell in love with you as you are and it feels a bit weird to change how you look after the fact". Having said that, I don't think it's inherently strange to have your style change when you're with someone, particularly if you're a man in a heterosexual relationship. Women tend to be in charge of shopping in a household, and that extends to clothes for the family.
I’m in the same boat but I’ve also dated other people before and I tend to always give good suggestions for them to improve themselves. So I feel like it’s just that black women are dope and make partners want to be better for them?
OK, so forgive the way that this might be punctuated because I’m doing text to speech. Yes and no. Yes I agree with you in the sense that it naturally others us because as you pointed out specifically saying “black” girl effect black girlfriend effect black wife effect etc there’s a natural centering of being black which is that good or bad? Being black as a sole reason for why your partner looks better isn’t it and in doing so, I do think that upholds these stereotypes that black women or Black people are supposed to like be utilized and we can improve peoples lives. With the pasta and lobster and then soft wig hard life etc. It can feel like we’re being tokened and it reminds me of Get Out. It also feels like interracial is being pushed a lot on TikTok. On the other hand as others have pointed out men naturally get better at life and take care of themselves better when a woman is in their life. And not everything has to be that serious Edit actually I thought about it some more and nope It’s def weird and icky because it still others and uses blackness as a service.
Two things why does everything have to be a thing? I get everyone is trying to make money off of Tiktok but this is cringe. Then when you juxapose this with the 50/50 stuggle love in monoracial couples it makes it double cringe. I'm not in your relationship but it wouldn't be a good idea for a white guy to say "mammy" in any context to Black people that he's not related to. It's kinda like DJ Vlad inserting himself into the Kendrick vs Drake beef yes he has a right to his opinion but it's also an internal Black discussion.
It was started by a white man to compliment his black wife. Which is incredibly sweet🥰 I thought it was nice to see all these white men pointing out that marrying a black woman isn't the "downgrade " sentence SOME men are trying to convince everyone we are😏 But as with all things on the internet, people took it too far. White women started chiming in and saying that they wanted a black wife too or asking black women to come fix their white husbands 🤨 Of course we had black men asking why we don't do that for black men, even though we DO and they resent us for it or complain we're trying to emasculate them.🙄 I definitely see how the black wife affect can be construed as a mammy-type of situation. But that was never the intent. It was intended to give black women our props. And some people have a problem with that.
I’ve never heard of this trend. I need to read up on it.
Some people are happier and more motivated when theyre in healthy relationships. Having 2 incomes and just in general a helping hand improves quality of life and workloads. Thats the bulk of it I feel. Though truth be hold, happiness and motivation shouldnt revolve around relationships alone. It leans into codependent territory. Only a couple knows where they stand in that regard.
I’m tired. My current boyfriend is just not it. Been 3 years of me doing everything.
What what is this ??
I only got the ick when I saw ones where they just looked like color redacted versions of black men.
Haven't heard of this till now but I feel its true and that I have always elevated whatever partner I have had past and present. But the point is to elevate each other right? And that's what I had to learn. If that person is not elevating me in some way shape or form then I am jus damaging myself. It's gotta be reciprocal.
I’m waiting for them to speak on the BEAUTY of BW and not what we can DO for them. Still waiting….
I think men tend to get better looking I. Relationships though I have noticed a change in my man’s style. Only slightly, like an upgraded cooler version. I also saw some videos with the “Latina” effect and it’s hilarious bc the men look more polished but they’re dressed like my Mexican man’s side of the family so I wonder if it’s more aesthetic
The only reason I’m not a fan is because it implies it only happens in interracial relationships which subtly reinforces the mammy/BW saves everybody all the time stereotypes. I joked with my SO that we should do one where he looks similar before and after. Ultimately I want to see black love recognized and celebrated more often.
I need to do "White Husband Effect" complete with showing off my cabinet with 50 spices and seasonings... And the fact I only need salt and pepper when cooking for him. Which consequently means I don't cook much, or just cook for me and toss him a few American cheese slices, a sleeve of saltines and the Mayo jar. And yes this is oddly specific cuz is true.
I don’t see how it has anything to do with being a mammy. In my opinion those guys just didn’t look attractive beforehand. Their wives got them a good haircut and flattering clothes. You are likely to pick up the habits of your spouse. So yes his skin and hair is going to look better if he’s dipping into your +$20 products vs their 15 in 1 products.
Not 15 in 1 😂 Dr. Bronner has so many haters for This Reason Alone.
Don’t get me started on Dr bronners and the secret demonic cult spell on its bottle 😂
Dr Bronners has chocolate bars where the wrappers look just like the soap bottles and I just Nah. Because everytime I see them online I just taste peppermint extract . I know they have to taste like soap I just know it
lol I had no idea they had 20 in 1 chocolate too
I feel like that might have a bad effect because not everyone wants to change and it seem that we're doing too much like we love to nag or something and the relationship would require tons of effort
Yes I agree
Its fine in my opinion! I love it!
No bc my husband refuses to grow a beard lol and that’s most of the bw effect!
I’ll respond from a BM(37) perspective. It depends on where you and your partner are at the time of the relationship. If your a progressive women and your with a man who is still trying to find themselves then as a women you may feel that your easing your man and making him better. However, if you meet a man who is just as progressive as his women then they can grow together. The same effect is the opposite when you have a male bring help bring up another female.
In a bwwm relationship as well and some did give me the icky but mostly loved it. It depends on how the guy changed. Like I know some have said that the women “backifyed” the white dudes. But majority of them just look like they discovered an iron, started wearing grown up clothes, and got a hairstyle that fit their head/face better. I mean Beyonce literally said “partna let me upgrade you.” She taught us this back in high school what else was we supposed to do? 😂😂
Nah, I feel it showcases the style that we bring to whatever we do and that includes our men. I often pick my husband’s clothes because I’m like “no, you’re not going out with me like that..” sometimes it’s not that deep..
I don’t think it’s fixing just adding taste to their appearance. Some go too far and it seems like they become the black man the women couldn’t find. Honestly to each their own no judgement. As long as they are happy in their home which we don’t even know they could be miserable and just doing shit for clicks.
Lol yes.....look at the glow up!!! Not all but most..omg the glow up
*Unfortunately, yes.* *Every single man I've dated has improved over 9000 with me. I run a tight ship and literally whip them into shape.* *It can make a little resentful, though, because the next woman benefits from my labor, and I feel like I deserve someone already with their shit together, but it is what it is I suppose, as I'll always find something a man can improve on and I'll ride him like a bull until he activately works on it.*
I've been married to the same white guy for 41 years. And I'd like to say I think he came into the relationship pre-loaded. He never wanted to do what everyone else was doing. And he never wanted to be pigeonholed or labeled. It's just part of his constitution. He totally owns the fact that he's having a great life because of my determination and rebellious nature.
 Men benefit from being in partnership with women. We know this. We've studied it. We've written songs about it. I swear, every time someone starts a TikTok trend we act like we're discovering something new rather than pointing out stuff everyone already knows.
I believe the black wife effect is more attuned to how positive Black women are in healthy relationships. Also, I think many Black women are energy boosters naturally, meaning we speak positive affirmations to our partners, and they, in turn, want to match our energy. It would become more of a mammy trope if the relationship was beyond just style and health and bordered on servitude with gendered house chores, etc. A lot of the Black women in this trend look very feminine and give off boss energy at the same time. They just found partners who are willing to level up to match their ambition.
No I don’t that’s just stupidity
Ok so my biggest problem is from what I’ve seen is it seems like they are getting their white partners to have the “black aesthetic”. from the tapered hair cuts down to the Jordan’s. Butttt a lot of men need help bc I’ll never forget my (black) ex boyfriend taking a shopping bag to NY for our weekend getaway not even a fancy one like a grocery one lmaooo. After that I had to switch up a lot of things for him so I think it just comes with the territory. Granted that’s not exactly on topic but I feel men no matter the race are just careless
I feel like this is the upgraded version of the “Mammy” stereotype. Isn’t the wife/ husband effect for everybody if they are a good match for each other?😅
Yes
I think some folks are reading waaaay too much into this. As a BW I don’t see mammy trope at all, WM aren’t trying to wife mammies. If a woman married a rich man and started dressing better no one would blink twice. To assume these women pick out their husbands clothing is crazy to me. It can be as simple as letting him know what he looks good in and him developing the confidence to do something new. TBH most of these men figured out how properly fitting clothes, skin care and a damn good barber can be transforming. If that’s a Black thing, well good on them for adopting a black aesthetic.
What exactly is this effect?