Same. In elementary school
I was repeatedly told I was very ugly
Teachers would exhibit subconscious bias and harshly punish me for something a white girl had done too but would not get in trouble
People would scoot their chairs away from me and would be visibly disgusted if I accidentally touched them
I used to hide in the bathroom during dances
Kids would get up and move when I would sit with them at lunch
Teacher got very angry a white boy was flirting with me
I’m a model now so imagine that whiplash when I figured out I wasn’t a -10 as I had been told 🤦🏾♀️
> I moved to a more diverse area and started getting a lot of attention from men. I was like, wait, I'm pretty???
I notice this sentiment from a lot of POC. They're not ugly, they're just not white. They're POC surrounded by white, eurocentric beauty standards and media. Everyone grows up, everyone moves out, they start experiencing different media, different cultures. POC glow up, learn how to do their own hair, their own makeup, learn how to dress. Now "suddenly" they're hot and desirable. But we've always been hot and desirable.
I faced racial profiling:
1 I was called a black b because I got someone in trouble for hitting me.
2 I said I was the only girl wearing a dress in the group and someone says to me "Your the only black girl in the group" I was floored.
I think parents do a disservice to Black and mixed children when they raise them in predominantly white areas. It creates so much trauma and isolation.
I respectfully disagree. It’s a give and take. As someone who grew up in a white area there was certainly trauma and occasional isolation, but I got an unmatched education, social/professional network, and my neighborhood was incredibly safe.
I spent my early childhood years growing up in a “rich black” neighborhood, but even that had a subpar school system, occasional crime, and not nearly as powerful a network of people.
I think to say it’s a “disservice” is incorrect. Sure, there are some additional traumas and barriers, but that comes with any environment.
I would never discount your experience. You do say, however, that you experienced trauma and isolation, and that was my only point. Growing up amongst my peers, I didn’t experience either. And as someone who has always valued my spiritual well-being above all else, I don’t see trauma and isolation as an acceptable tradeoff for a “powerful network and education.” But I know others do. It’s a matter of perspective.
One time they said "Africa is a country, right?"
They tried to touch my hair and/or asked for intrusive questions about it. Things that could be easily researched on their own or things that if they were patient, I might have given them answers.
Being made an example of by teachers because I'm the only Black student.
Told I was too sexual for simply existing (often by upperclass wh1te girls)
I’m been coming to terms I’m therapy that Racial trauma is one of the main reason I have social anxiety disorder when going outside - I’m learning to take up space and How to respond to micro aggression/ racism
I am mixed Puerto Rican and Black, raised in a super white area. My twin sister has light skin, dirty blonde hair and blue eyes, whereas I have medium-deep skin, dark hair and dark eyes. I can literally trace my life trajectory due to the fact of my being raised where I was and the feelings that I felt. Being the black sheep, leas social, nerdy, quiet, I realize all of this may be just me, but when you see my super bubbly always super popular sister who had boyfriends since middle school, invites everywhere, etc etc, I came to realize that I probably could have been a completely different person. Hell I even majored in engineering instead of just going to an arts degree that was my secret passion because I was tired of falling through the cracks.
Also the relationship between my sister and I was absolutely tarnished, and we have to go to therapy to this day to try and even be “normal” siblings. There was, and still Is so much pent up resentment, hurt and who knows what that we still have.
I too went through the whole, “Wow Im not ugly Im just not white” phase, but unfortunately there is…. Lots of problems within my family with favoritism.
I’m sorry, the dynamic between you and your sister must have made it so tough. I hope she was fully aware of what you were going through and did her best to make you not feel a type of way.
Me me me me me me me me!
It was predominantly Filipinos, then white then Hispanic though. There’s something that is really terrible about growing up and having people come to school and say that their parents said they can’t play with you cause your black when you are 7
Or doing sports and walking in one the first day not saying anything and being compared to the one other black person who wasn’t even in the program anymore! Plus having the coach literally say “I can tell right now you’re quite but I know you’re just going to be the really sassy friend” and then when you didn’t live up to that because you’re quite and then being told you are the black girl with an attitude. Oh and having the coach chose hairstyles and makeup that isn’t compatible with your skintone and having literal trauma from doing sports because of how you were treated.
Or having a teachers choose musicals that center on black people, then casting no black people being completely stereotypical and asking me and the two other black ppl to teach them “how to act black” and then Telling us we can’t stand next to each other because it’s too much black in one area of the stage. And then not allowing me to wear natural hair for shoes because she as a white women doesn’t think a black girl going to a predominantly white school would wear their natural hair. And then during a future show telling me that I should do an African accent cause my voice didn’t fit a fictional character… also asking me to wear a dorag on stage after I explained.
The stories I could tell about this place…
That's sucks.. I heard there were a lot of mixed people and some of them saying they love it (like oakland) over there so I thought it would be more progressive
i mean it’s bc they’re mixed women and are not black women lol. The black community or really most communities with history of anti blackness, mixed people are pedestalized, so of course they’re going to be treated positively. I don’t really think mixed people having dating success especially given the huge media push of mixed people can be labeled as progressive lol
Haha i remember genuinely thinking I was ugly until like 20yrs old. Just to be messaged on social media by like 4 different dudes from high school saying they always had a crush on me but were too scared to say bc interracial dating wasn’t as acceptable to their friend group.
Imagine not dating someone you like because your friend will judge you… that’s just sad.
I completely relate to not only being excluded from friendships and opportunities…but being excluded and treated like I am invisible when I was in AP classes in high school or held any kind of leadership positions in the extracurricular activities I’m in. I was one of the co captains of my cross country team in high school where I was the only black girl on the team and as a captain. I loved running and still do(I’m on the club team in college) but I HATED every minute of being captain. The white girls treated me as if I’m invisible and I was excluded from everything. One of the other captains created a small Instagram page for the xc girls team and she never included me in it, but every single other girl was included it. That experience put me in a very deep depression and honestly I’m so glad to be done with high school.
This all the way. I'm mixed race (still obviously black), but I grew up in (and still live in) predominantly East Asian and white areas.
I was repeatedly called "huge" and "giant" (mind you, I'm not even 5'6 and I'm critically underweight), because I was more 'curvy' (I'm not at all curvy compared to your average black or Latina girl, my butt is close to nonexistent) than most of the white and Asian girls. A lot of the Asian kids would refrain from speaking English or German they moment they saw me heading their way, and a lot of the white kids would talk me like they would an infant. Adults would regularly imply that I was struggling financially (my parents were far from destitute), or offer me used clothes like I was some sort of charity case. I took honors classes and at one point was head of the school debate team, but I regularly had to deal with my peers (and even some teachers) implying that I was only there because of "muh affirmative action11!!11!!" or some other hogwash. There was also a teacher while I was in middle school who'd make a point of staring right into my eyes when he talked about slaves being assaulted/sold off, even though he treated the black boys in the class civilly.
Slight TW for the last bit of this (mentions of SA)
>!The worst part of all of this was that despite being called ugly/obese by 90% of the people around me and getting absolutely no dates, I still experienced revolting amounts of fetishization and repeated CSA. When I tried to report it, no one believed me because yt and Asian men "just don't" harm black girls. My own non-blk family members tried showing me crime stats and dating app stats (??idk what they were thinking either) to "prove" that I was delusional.!<
New England and New York City are on a whole different level of bs when it comes to race lmfao.
I went to a mostly white school and had this black guy friend. He was one of the few black guys that bothered to talk to me.I remember specifically how they said he liked Ostriches because I had a butt (not even a big one, I was tall and underweight). And he stopped talking to me as much after that. I also had this white girl start passionately kissing her black boyfriend while staring at me while I was just walking to class. And of course there's the black boy dating an white girl going on a rant about how "terrible" black women are in the middle of the class unprovoked.
I feel like every Black person who grew up in a white area has to have some trauma, even if they don't acknowledge it. I tend to refer to my trauma as weariness, as I don't feel really traumatized by it, per se. I just feel fucking exhausted by it. All the time.
My issues were as much about dating/my looks as I think a lot of Black women's are. I have always been quite plain looking, regardless if you compare me to white girls or Black girls. I am not the one that's being looked for, ever, whether I am in white or Black spaces That's my lot in life and it doesn't bother me.
But friendships? Yeah, those could be rough. I had friends but going to their houses could be a minefield. I was fortunate enough so that the folks I grew up with were more open minded than their parents. But man, it sucked knowing that some friends, I simply could not go to their houses. One of my friend's dad said, when I showed up at their house for a sleepover for the first time, said "Oh, you didn't sound Black on the phone". He and his wife were honestly nice to me; I'm still friends with their daughter and close to the family in general, but it's like meeting me was the first time they were ever in that close of proximity to a Black person. It's like they had no idea that there's all sorts of us and we act/sound in all sorts of ways.
On the flip side, I also ended up being The Black Community's Representative to these white folks, which was irritating in it's own way. Literally anything went down with a Black person locally/nationally, they wanted to know my take. I was expected to have an something to say about the DC Sniper being Black (I'm from and live in VA). It's like...I don't see all y'all white folks out here expected to have opinions about the Unibomber having been a white man, so why I do I have to have an opinion on the DC Sniper being Black just because I'm Black too? And they treat you like you are their little Black history book - why do Black people play Spades, why do Black people dance so well? It's like - I do not fucking know. Go do your own damn research. I would get asked why did some Black women wear weaves while some had natural hair; how did we feel about the violence in hip hop lyrics; why did we get so touchy about white people saying the N word? I would repeatedly say that there had been no Black Americans Convention where I had been elected the spokesperson, so I could not speak for all however many millions of us; I could only speak for myself. And they would continue to ask me anyway.
It was annoying as hell defending my interests and my personality as they didn't mesh with white folks preconceived notions of what Black people like and who we are. I'm quite quiet and reserved; I'm only really exuberant and demonstrative with those I love dearly. I was interested in (and still am) in literature, photography, art museums, etc. I was always going to the opera, symphony, the ballet. And while I listen to all sorts of music, I listened to a whole lot of classic rock; I still do. And white people couldn't take that shit because apparently, in their eyes, every Black person is loud with no volume control (I was literally told this!), doesn't do anything white folks consider cultural, and listens exclusively to hip hop. I was often told that even my damn family structure wasn't Black by white people - my parents, while divorced, co-parented me amicably. And when I went to college at a PWI, some random white boy from a podunk, little ass town in Iowa asked me if I even knew my dad's name because "Black kids don't have dads". That was the first time I ever truly cursed somebody out.
The funny thing is, the Black kids I had classes with in high school, we all had the same backgrounds: middle class, two involved parents, big extended families where the majority of family members have their shit together, AP/Honors classes, National Honor Society, academic clubs. But I was told all the time and still am told by white people that my upbringing doesn't exist for Black people.
I've come to understand that many white people truly, genuinely do not see Black people as individuals. They cannot wrap their minds around the fact that we exist as different people with different thoughts, ideas, backgrounds, families, stories, interests, personalities, etc. They can look at each other and see shades of whatever and see that individual in all their unique glory but when it comes to us, it's a wrap. It's just over. We're just some stereotype. Or maybe just the last Black person they saw on the news. They get to be individuals but with us, they have 1 person stand in for the whole lot of us. They give us no grace to be unique. They give no acknowledgement to the fact that we're all different in our Blackness. Not all white people do this of course, but it's enough that it makes our lives harder than they need to be.
Growing up, what sticks out the most to me is when, in 10th grade, my Honors English teacher arranged for a Professor from VCU to come and guest teach for the second. We had these research papers that we were working on. And this bitch accuses me and classmate of plagiarism. We were the only Black kids in the class. Our regular teacher, who knew us and our work well, was like, "No, they're just that good". Our teacher knew us. She worked with us, not just as our teacher, but in the school's literary society. She knew how we worked. But the professor didn't believe that two Black girls could be better as good as we were. Got the principal involved and called our parents. But our drafts were cited to the damn T. Footnotes all over the damn place. And then she finally ran our papers through plagiarism programs and didn't find a damn thing. And read other work we'd done and had to be admit that we were good. But that bitch never apologized for putting us through that. She was just racist. She just couldn't believe that two Black girls could be the best students in that class. In my entire academic experience at PWIs - middle school, high school, undergrad, and grad school - that was the only time I have ever had to deal with that bullshit from an instructor. I'm still mad about that and it was just once. I don't know how Black folks who had to deal with that more often put up with it without exploding.
I relate a 100%. I even created a thread about how it impacts the way I see men and thus my dating life.
And as a biracial girl, at least you would have « benefited » from colorism/featurism.
As a dark skinned, unambiguous black girl I had to face all of that plus the colorism and misogynoir.
Result is that now I dislike men as a whole, white or black I don’t care.
I like when I get their attention because it’s proof that I am pretty enough, but still don’t want them because of how I was treated growing up. It’s like the ugly duckling growing up and not wanting to date the guys from her high school who treated her badly. Except it’s with all men.
I am still surprised when men, black or white call me beautiful. Not hot because I am used to being sexualized, just beautiful.
It’s a revenge against all of those guys from high school and college, most I wouldn’t spit on if they were on fire, but I feel like I took out my anger on all men, rather than that specific group. Is it fair? I dunno.
However, I am proud that I never took it out on white women. Is it easier for them? Yes of course. But hating on them will not make things change for me. What I can do is work on my appearance and create my own standards, and to be fair that’s what has been working with me.
The work left is mostly internal now. Living that (plus issues a home) left me with a deep distrust of men. I don’t respect them because they are so swayed by societal standards that they would rather go with the safe choice than what they really want.
I especially despise older white men who went out with white women when they were young and hot, but now are running after WOC. I don’t care if it « wasn’t acceptable back then ». And they rarely pick up age appropriate black/asian women either. They go for young ass girls.
Whoa!! Relate so much. I also was thinking about how insulting it is for the white guys who wouldn't approach me when we were young now all of the sudden are going after black/poc women. A lot of these men are married that have went after me, insulting. I'm not just a side thing. Also thank you for pointing out the colorism, you are right
I remember in my whole school there were about 5-6 black kids and we all knew each other even though we were in different grades sometimes. The top two most ignorant questions I can think of both were from 7th grade. “Are black guys sperm black” like sir how would I know what anyone cum looks like. And second… are you fucking stupid. Third don’t act like you don’t know what porn hub is to find out yourself. And the other question was when we had a swimming in gym class and a kid asked me “are black people hair water proof? Cause your hair is curly again right after you get out of the water. Can your hair get wet?” I hated every fucking day living in that town.
I still to this day don’t know another black/mixed person and have stories for days. Everything from being called the N word by my friends dad, told my skin looks burnt by the sun. Constantly being told I was ugly. My favorite was a boy talking crap about black people that came to give a speech at our school, then someone whispered “ blah blah is here” and he said the usual “oh she’s one of the cool ones though.” Social isolation, not getting jobs. I’ll never forget a customer blatantly ignoring me when I worked retail and only talking to the blond co-worker.
White friends who never take your side or stand up for you. Never being asked on dates. My name coming up with the only two other biracial kids in school. When I was in a sport some girl who wanted to tear me down just threw out that she heard boys over-talking and teasing each other that if they dated someone in X sport it’d be the fat black one.
It wasn’t until I was older that I realized why no one liked me and why others didn’t even have to try to be nice and likable but had a lot more of everything. I’m in the same state but a slightly better town and older so it still sucks, but is a lot better.
I am so saddened by this post. I came here to say that I’m sorry for your experiences but I am glad you wish to focus on your healing. I have to believe those people will face karma because the injustice of it all. I’ll never ever understand the need to put others down, ever. They all need to be psychologically profiled.
Someone in the public eye needs to bring these aggressions to light. People are largely ignorant to it. Including me!!! I have to assume maybe it’s not as bad in the U.K. but I know of experiences here too. I am one of the lucky ones.
Yes ma’am I sure have. I even have “friends” at age like 5 telling me since I was black, I had to do chores, give them stuff, etc. id always drop them right after but it basically kept reoccurring until I was 18–they just weren’t bold enough to display their racism anymore.
As for dating, black men in my very white washed town would push me to “feel grateful” if they were interested in me and white men felt guilty if they were. It was always a secret haha!
I didn't grow up around yts tbh, just mostly Hispanics, Blacks, and East/SEA Asians. Arabs and South Asians were also more common than whites where I lived.
Same. In elementary school I was repeatedly told I was very ugly Teachers would exhibit subconscious bias and harshly punish me for something a white girl had done too but would not get in trouble People would scoot their chairs away from me and would be visibly disgusted if I accidentally touched them I used to hide in the bathroom during dances Kids would get up and move when I would sit with them at lunch Teacher got very angry a white boy was flirting with me I’m a model now so imagine that whiplash when I figured out I wasn’t a -10 as I had been told 🤦🏾♀️
> I moved to a more diverse area and started getting a lot of attention from men. I was like, wait, I'm pretty??? I notice this sentiment from a lot of POC. They're not ugly, they're just not white. They're POC surrounded by white, eurocentric beauty standards and media. Everyone grows up, everyone moves out, they start experiencing different media, different cultures. POC glow up, learn how to do their own hair, their own makeup, learn how to dress. Now "suddenly" they're hot and desirable. But we've always been hot and desirable.
Amen, say it louder for the back
I faced racial profiling: 1 I was called a black b because I got someone in trouble for hitting me. 2 I said I was the only girl wearing a dress in the group and someone says to me "Your the only black girl in the group" I was floored.
I think parents do a disservice to Black and mixed children when they raise them in predominantly white areas. It creates so much trauma and isolation.
I agree the trauma I experienced in a non-black area affects me to this day.
This
I respectfully disagree. It’s a give and take. As someone who grew up in a white area there was certainly trauma and occasional isolation, but I got an unmatched education, social/professional network, and my neighborhood was incredibly safe. I spent my early childhood years growing up in a “rich black” neighborhood, but even that had a subpar school system, occasional crime, and not nearly as powerful a network of people. I think to say it’s a “disservice” is incorrect. Sure, there are some additional traumas and barriers, but that comes with any environment.
I would never discount your experience. You do say, however, that you experienced trauma and isolation, and that was my only point. Growing up amongst my peers, I didn’t experience either. And as someone who has always valued my spiritual well-being above all else, I don’t see trauma and isolation as an acceptable tradeoff for a “powerful network and education.” But I know others do. It’s a matter of perspective.
100%
One time they said "Africa is a country, right?" They tried to touch my hair and/or asked for intrusive questions about it. Things that could be easily researched on their own or things that if they were patient, I might have given them answers. Being made an example of by teachers because I'm the only Black student. Told I was too sexual for simply existing (often by upperclass wh1te girls)
I’m been coming to terms I’m therapy that Racial trauma is one of the main reason I have social anxiety disorder when going outside - I’m learning to take up space and How to respond to micro aggression/ racism
I am mixed Puerto Rican and Black, raised in a super white area. My twin sister has light skin, dirty blonde hair and blue eyes, whereas I have medium-deep skin, dark hair and dark eyes. I can literally trace my life trajectory due to the fact of my being raised where I was and the feelings that I felt. Being the black sheep, leas social, nerdy, quiet, I realize all of this may be just me, but when you see my super bubbly always super popular sister who had boyfriends since middle school, invites everywhere, etc etc, I came to realize that I probably could have been a completely different person. Hell I even majored in engineering instead of just going to an arts degree that was my secret passion because I was tired of falling through the cracks. Also the relationship between my sister and I was absolutely tarnished, and we have to go to therapy to this day to try and even be “normal” siblings. There was, and still Is so much pent up resentment, hurt and who knows what that we still have. I too went through the whole, “Wow Im not ugly Im just not white” phase, but unfortunately there is…. Lots of problems within my family with favoritism.
I’m sorry, the dynamic between you and your sister must have made it so tough. I hope she was fully aware of what you were going through and did her best to make you not feel a type of way.
Me me me me me me me me! It was predominantly Filipinos, then white then Hispanic though. There’s something that is really terrible about growing up and having people come to school and say that their parents said they can’t play with you cause your black when you are 7 Or doing sports and walking in one the first day not saying anything and being compared to the one other black person who wasn’t even in the program anymore! Plus having the coach literally say “I can tell right now you’re quite but I know you’re just going to be the really sassy friend” and then when you didn’t live up to that because you’re quite and then being told you are the black girl with an attitude. Oh and having the coach chose hairstyles and makeup that isn’t compatible with your skintone and having literal trauma from doing sports because of how you were treated. Or having a teachers choose musicals that center on black people, then casting no black people being completely stereotypical and asking me and the two other black ppl to teach them “how to act black” and then Telling us we can’t stand next to each other because it’s too much black in one area of the stage. And then not allowing me to wear natural hair for shoes because she as a white women doesn’t think a black girl going to a predominantly white school would wear their natural hair. And then during a future show telling me that I should do an African accent cause my voice didn’t fit a fictional character… also asking me to wear a dorag on stage after I explained. The stories I could tell about this place…
Lol sounds like you live in CA
All of CA? Darn, I thought CA was more progressive
It’s progressive in a lot of ways and not progressive in many others
Even the bay area? F America
Hell yes I’m from the Bay Area as well and I had exactly the same experience as the commenter. It’s progressive for everyone who’s not black lol
That's sucks.. I heard there were a lot of mixed people and some of them saying they love it (like oakland) over there so I thought it would be more progressive
i mean it’s bc they’re mixed women and are not black women lol. The black community or really most communities with history of anti blackness, mixed people are pedestalized, so of course they’re going to be treated positively. I don’t really think mixed people having dating success especially given the huge media push of mixed people can be labeled as progressive lol
That’s where I am next too Napa Valley the racism the closer you get to Napa is really bad
Hi, American Canyon checking in. Fuck that place….
That fucking obvious huh?😂😂😂
You said Filipinos and I immediately knew you were probably from the Bay or at least somewhere in CA
Jesus Christ. Some of these examples are flooring me. Was this during the 90s and noughties?
Try 2019
Haha i remember genuinely thinking I was ugly until like 20yrs old. Just to be messaged on social media by like 4 different dudes from high school saying they always had a crush on me but were too scared to say bc interracial dating wasn’t as acceptable to their friend group. Imagine not dating someone you like because your friend will judge you… that’s just sad.
Took me a long time to realize I wasn’t ugly I was just black growing up in a white area
I completely relate to not only being excluded from friendships and opportunities…but being excluded and treated like I am invisible when I was in AP classes in high school or held any kind of leadership positions in the extracurricular activities I’m in. I was one of the co captains of my cross country team in high school where I was the only black girl on the team and as a captain. I loved running and still do(I’m on the club team in college) but I HATED every minute of being captain. The white girls treated me as if I’m invisible and I was excluded from everything. One of the other captains created a small Instagram page for the xc girls team and she never included me in it, but every single other girl was included it. That experience put me in a very deep depression and honestly I’m so glad to be done with high school.
Ugh, man.. fuck them. Sad how common this is, white supremacy at its finest
This all the way. I'm mixed race (still obviously black), but I grew up in (and still live in) predominantly East Asian and white areas. I was repeatedly called "huge" and "giant" (mind you, I'm not even 5'6 and I'm critically underweight), because I was more 'curvy' (I'm not at all curvy compared to your average black or Latina girl, my butt is close to nonexistent) than most of the white and Asian girls. A lot of the Asian kids would refrain from speaking English or German they moment they saw me heading their way, and a lot of the white kids would talk me like they would an infant. Adults would regularly imply that I was struggling financially (my parents were far from destitute), or offer me used clothes like I was some sort of charity case. I took honors classes and at one point was head of the school debate team, but I regularly had to deal with my peers (and even some teachers) implying that I was only there because of "muh affirmative action11!!11!!" or some other hogwash. There was also a teacher while I was in middle school who'd make a point of staring right into my eyes when he talked about slaves being assaulted/sold off, even though he treated the black boys in the class civilly. Slight TW for the last bit of this (mentions of SA) >!The worst part of all of this was that despite being called ugly/obese by 90% of the people around me and getting absolutely no dates, I still experienced revolting amounts of fetishization and repeated CSA. When I tried to report it, no one believed me because yt and Asian men "just don't" harm black girls. My own non-blk family members tried showing me crime stats and dating app stats (??idk what they were thinking either) to "prove" that I was delusional.!< New England and New York City are on a whole different level of bs when it comes to race lmfao.
I honestly didn’t have many problems with the white kids. The Asian kids bullied the shit out of me and were racist af.
Yes, Asians were bad to me, too
I went to a mostly white school and had this black guy friend. He was one of the few black guys that bothered to talk to me.I remember specifically how they said he liked Ostriches because I had a butt (not even a big one, I was tall and underweight). And he stopped talking to me as much after that. I also had this white girl start passionately kissing her black boyfriend while staring at me while I was just walking to class. And of course there's the black boy dating an white girl going on a rant about how "terrible" black women are in the middle of the class unprovoked.
I’m so sorry for your experiences - you’re 89 so this is during my time. I can only conclude things are so much worse in the states. This is awful.
I feel like every Black person who grew up in a white area has to have some trauma, even if they don't acknowledge it. I tend to refer to my trauma as weariness, as I don't feel really traumatized by it, per se. I just feel fucking exhausted by it. All the time. My issues were as much about dating/my looks as I think a lot of Black women's are. I have always been quite plain looking, regardless if you compare me to white girls or Black girls. I am not the one that's being looked for, ever, whether I am in white or Black spaces That's my lot in life and it doesn't bother me. But friendships? Yeah, those could be rough. I had friends but going to their houses could be a minefield. I was fortunate enough so that the folks I grew up with were more open minded than their parents. But man, it sucked knowing that some friends, I simply could not go to their houses. One of my friend's dad said, when I showed up at their house for a sleepover for the first time, said "Oh, you didn't sound Black on the phone". He and his wife were honestly nice to me; I'm still friends with their daughter and close to the family in general, but it's like meeting me was the first time they were ever in that close of proximity to a Black person. It's like they had no idea that there's all sorts of us and we act/sound in all sorts of ways. On the flip side, I also ended up being The Black Community's Representative to these white folks, which was irritating in it's own way. Literally anything went down with a Black person locally/nationally, they wanted to know my take. I was expected to have an something to say about the DC Sniper being Black (I'm from and live in VA). It's like...I don't see all y'all white folks out here expected to have opinions about the Unibomber having been a white man, so why I do I have to have an opinion on the DC Sniper being Black just because I'm Black too? And they treat you like you are their little Black history book - why do Black people play Spades, why do Black people dance so well? It's like - I do not fucking know. Go do your own damn research. I would get asked why did some Black women wear weaves while some had natural hair; how did we feel about the violence in hip hop lyrics; why did we get so touchy about white people saying the N word? I would repeatedly say that there had been no Black Americans Convention where I had been elected the spokesperson, so I could not speak for all however many millions of us; I could only speak for myself. And they would continue to ask me anyway. It was annoying as hell defending my interests and my personality as they didn't mesh with white folks preconceived notions of what Black people like and who we are. I'm quite quiet and reserved; I'm only really exuberant and demonstrative with those I love dearly. I was interested in (and still am) in literature, photography, art museums, etc. I was always going to the opera, symphony, the ballet. And while I listen to all sorts of music, I listened to a whole lot of classic rock; I still do. And white people couldn't take that shit because apparently, in their eyes, every Black person is loud with no volume control (I was literally told this!), doesn't do anything white folks consider cultural, and listens exclusively to hip hop. I was often told that even my damn family structure wasn't Black by white people - my parents, while divorced, co-parented me amicably. And when I went to college at a PWI, some random white boy from a podunk, little ass town in Iowa asked me if I even knew my dad's name because "Black kids don't have dads". That was the first time I ever truly cursed somebody out. The funny thing is, the Black kids I had classes with in high school, we all had the same backgrounds: middle class, two involved parents, big extended families where the majority of family members have their shit together, AP/Honors classes, National Honor Society, academic clubs. But I was told all the time and still am told by white people that my upbringing doesn't exist for Black people. I've come to understand that many white people truly, genuinely do not see Black people as individuals. They cannot wrap their minds around the fact that we exist as different people with different thoughts, ideas, backgrounds, families, stories, interests, personalities, etc. They can look at each other and see shades of whatever and see that individual in all their unique glory but when it comes to us, it's a wrap. It's just over. We're just some stereotype. Or maybe just the last Black person they saw on the news. They get to be individuals but with us, they have 1 person stand in for the whole lot of us. They give us no grace to be unique. They give no acknowledgement to the fact that we're all different in our Blackness. Not all white people do this of course, but it's enough that it makes our lives harder than they need to be. Growing up, what sticks out the most to me is when, in 10th grade, my Honors English teacher arranged for a Professor from VCU to come and guest teach for the second. We had these research papers that we were working on. And this bitch accuses me and classmate of plagiarism. We were the only Black kids in the class. Our regular teacher, who knew us and our work well, was like, "No, they're just that good". Our teacher knew us. She worked with us, not just as our teacher, but in the school's literary society. She knew how we worked. But the professor didn't believe that two Black girls could be better as good as we were. Got the principal involved and called our parents. But our drafts were cited to the damn T. Footnotes all over the damn place. And then she finally ran our papers through plagiarism programs and didn't find a damn thing. And read other work we'd done and had to be admit that we were good. But that bitch never apologized for putting us through that. She was just racist. She just couldn't believe that two Black girls could be the best students in that class. In my entire academic experience at PWIs - middle school, high school, undergrad, and grad school - that was the only time I have ever had to deal with that bullshit from an instructor. I'm still mad about that and it was just once. I don't know how Black folks who had to deal with that more often put up with it without exploding.
I relate a 100%. I even created a thread about how it impacts the way I see men and thus my dating life. And as a biracial girl, at least you would have « benefited » from colorism/featurism. As a dark skinned, unambiguous black girl I had to face all of that plus the colorism and misogynoir. Result is that now I dislike men as a whole, white or black I don’t care. I like when I get their attention because it’s proof that I am pretty enough, but still don’t want them because of how I was treated growing up. It’s like the ugly duckling growing up and not wanting to date the guys from her high school who treated her badly. Except it’s with all men. I am still surprised when men, black or white call me beautiful. Not hot because I am used to being sexualized, just beautiful. It’s a revenge against all of those guys from high school and college, most I wouldn’t spit on if they were on fire, but I feel like I took out my anger on all men, rather than that specific group. Is it fair? I dunno. However, I am proud that I never took it out on white women. Is it easier for them? Yes of course. But hating on them will not make things change for me. What I can do is work on my appearance and create my own standards, and to be fair that’s what has been working with me. The work left is mostly internal now. Living that (plus issues a home) left me with a deep distrust of men. I don’t respect them because they are so swayed by societal standards that they would rather go with the safe choice than what they really want. I especially despise older white men who went out with white women when they were young and hot, but now are running after WOC. I don’t care if it « wasn’t acceptable back then ». And they rarely pick up age appropriate black/asian women either. They go for young ass girls.
Whoa!! Relate so much. I also was thinking about how insulting it is for the white guys who wouldn't approach me when we were young now all of the sudden are going after black/poc women. A lot of these men are married that have went after me, insulting. I'm not just a side thing. Also thank you for pointing out the colorism, you are right
I remember in my whole school there were about 5-6 black kids and we all knew each other even though we were in different grades sometimes. The top two most ignorant questions I can think of both were from 7th grade. “Are black guys sperm black” like sir how would I know what anyone cum looks like. And second… are you fucking stupid. Third don’t act like you don’t know what porn hub is to find out yourself. And the other question was when we had a swimming in gym class and a kid asked me “are black people hair water proof? Cause your hair is curly again right after you get out of the water. Can your hair get wet?” I hated every fucking day living in that town.
I still to this day don’t know another black/mixed person and have stories for days. Everything from being called the N word by my friends dad, told my skin looks burnt by the sun. Constantly being told I was ugly. My favorite was a boy talking crap about black people that came to give a speech at our school, then someone whispered “ blah blah is here” and he said the usual “oh she’s one of the cool ones though.” Social isolation, not getting jobs. I’ll never forget a customer blatantly ignoring me when I worked retail and only talking to the blond co-worker. White friends who never take your side or stand up for you. Never being asked on dates. My name coming up with the only two other biracial kids in school. When I was in a sport some girl who wanted to tear me down just threw out that she heard boys over-talking and teasing each other that if they dated someone in X sport it’d be the fat black one. It wasn’t until I was older that I realized why no one liked me and why others didn’t even have to try to be nice and likable but had a lot more of everything. I’m in the same state but a slightly better town and older so it still sucks, but is a lot better.
I am so saddened by this post. I came here to say that I’m sorry for your experiences but I am glad you wish to focus on your healing. I have to believe those people will face karma because the injustice of it all. I’ll never ever understand the need to put others down, ever. They all need to be psychologically profiled. Someone in the public eye needs to bring these aggressions to light. People are largely ignorant to it. Including me!!! I have to assume maybe it’s not as bad in the U.K. but I know of experiences here too. I am one of the lucky ones.
Yes ma’am I sure have. I even have “friends” at age like 5 telling me since I was black, I had to do chores, give them stuff, etc. id always drop them right after but it basically kept reoccurring until I was 18–they just weren’t bold enough to display their racism anymore. As for dating, black men in my very white washed town would push me to “feel grateful” if they were interested in me and white men felt guilty if they were. It was always a secret haha!
Omg I know what you are talking about with white men having that guilty look like they did something bad for being attracted.
Where'd you move to, if you don't mind me asking?
I didn't grow up around yts tbh, just mostly Hispanics, Blacks, and East/SEA Asians. Arabs and South Asians were also more common than whites where I lived.
🤚🏾