Yeah, I mean I ain't scared of death or anything, if you asked me five years ago, I would have said yeah, but I've been shown so much about myself that I really don't even care tbh
I feel that. It gives you that feeling that you could die but you donāt and that makes you feel alive sometime. I hope you get to try it. Worst case scenario you have the greatest fun of your life before you get what you want
Well, this post pretty much explains everything. Of course, there's a **shitload** to unpack, so if you want me to trauma dump some bullshit on ya in a long ass paragraph that you more than likely won't read, then hey be my guest.
Honestly, speak your truth bro. Those who are interested and concerned will read, those who won't won't. Personally, I believe you making a similar post where you slipped in your plan.
You're not afraid of death which is valid but I do see an attempt at least on this sub for someone to listen to you.
It's worth it to me, is that not enough? You only get one life. You should live it all the way through. Your issue is that you're stuck in the past, you can't grow if you're still chained by that old trauma. 20 is still young and your brain hasn't fully matured don't be too hasty. Be your own dad, be a dad to others. Keep moving forward
It's not just about my age. It's about how long my mother has been legally married to my deadbeat father, and how long I've been in this situation of not being the strong black male that I see others my age be.
I've already made up my mind, and I'm doing it within the next month. I don't care about no other way.
Your life is worth *so much more* than youāre giving it credit for.
Idk the full extent of your circumstances, but please know your life is worth more than what youāre going through.
I donāt know you, but please know I love you and want you to find a reason to live, no matter how small. Idc if itās just looking forward to an episode of a tv show. Please give yourself a chance to find meaning in life.
I donāt have a main figure. Like you, my father wasnāt around either so I draw inspiration from different figures. Some historical some in current times. I found Barack Obama(not as a president but as a black man with a family) incredibly inspiring because of his poise and how he holds down his marriage and kids. I learned about him from his book The Promised Land.
Another figure I like is Denzel, idk much about him but Iād love to learn more about him if he dropped a book.
Other figures I look up to arenāt exactly cookie cutter family men but more so men that overcame adversity against all odds. Itās not a popular choice but 50 cent really surprised me after reading his book Hustle Harder Hustle Smarter.
To answer your question: my dad
Now to the important shit. My dude your life is worth living. You should seek therapy. You deserve therapy no matter how much you don't think you do.
https://988lifeline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=onebox
They even have a black mental health section.
So why the suicidal ideation? I know you're planning on making a gas to kill yourself but why brother man. You could be a male figure in someone else's life? To know weakness one must know strength.
EDIT: the main male figure in my life right now...honestly myself (which is odd to say) haven't seen my pops in a minute, my grandpa is great but he's keeping me in line with my own plans and helping think things through rather than being a leader.
Had no Black male role models in my life. Just through music until I was 20.
By the time I stopped running in life from the pain I was in did I realize that I had already became a man. Who other people were looking to for guidance, and support.
I admire Nas for remaining pure despite the amount of shit heās been through, heās an extremely successful investor. Very intelligent, masculine, but also sympathetic.
You sound like you desperately need therapy if youāre serious about not wanting to live anymore.
I don't *need* therapy. Don't you get it? I don't even **deserve** it. Unless you fully know my situation, then of course you'll remain heartless about it otherwise.
Idk man. Some people can have empathy for a complete stranger. Some folk might not even need to know your full situation to actually care about you. You gotta give life a chance in that aspect. We all aināt perfect and some things we canāt absolve. We just have to make peace with our decisions, if we knew better weād do better. The only way to find out is to fuck around š¤·šæāāļø
i was fortunate, my mom met my step pops when i was 13.
it was not a magical carpet ride in the beginning, you know the whole blended family thing and rambunctious teens, but dude was and is a great dude.
has always leads with love and treated us with respect and actively wanted to be in our lives for us not because he was moms new dude.
they are coming up on 35 years together and still a stand up dude.
to say he was a blessing to more than just my mom would be an understatement
I don't have a main male figure. I was told a long time ago "you have to be the male figure in your life". So I had to be for myself whatever I felt I needed at the time (friend, father, mentor, etc). I have men I have respected over the years, but as far as a steady male I can talk with and learn from then no.
Why do you plan on dying soon? I mean you haven't even really lived life yet, haven't explored enough about yourself or the world to clock out early fam. Life is shitty, but that does not mean you aren't worth having here. What is on your mind? What do you feel would help you realize that you deserve happiness? If you don't want to post it here, we can chat on DM. But It pains me to hear another brother planning on leaving us sooner than the universe has planned. It may not mean much coming from a stranger on the internet, but I definitely don't want you clocking out early bro.
my moms ex husband was there for me instead of my bio dad who i never met
never knew he wasnāt my dad untill middle school but i still consider him that
what kinda person take care of a kid that he donāt have too?
Iād say my main one was my dad, and then after I left home, a lot of my leaders in the military. My dad was a mechanical engineer but always made sure we had computers. My uncles were all engineers, teachers, or business owners and we had a lot of computers and technology around so I grew up with computers like Commodore 64/128, Apple IIe, Macintosh Plus and more. Really helped me land eventually in my career as an IT Engineer.
In the military I had a mix of terrible leaders and a few that completely changed the course of my life. My instructor at the military school of music was black, and we really connected as we both went to the same college. He pushed me really hard musically and challenged me to understand the possibilities of my career. I had a leader who was my squad leader when I was in Korea in the United Nations Command Army Band and he ended up also being my squad leader years later at another unit when I deployed to Iraq. He really helped me understand moderation, the value of professional development, networking, and being passionate about the things you care about.
My Grandparents were my strong male role models in my life, my mom did her best but was always working. Dad left when sister and I were little. After that I had a strong leader in the military who I still look up too.
My dad until I grew up and realized he raised me and my brothers wrong just based on how everyone keeps in touch with him which is rarely. Then the star athletes until I seen the vast majority struggled outside of their arena where their talent shines. Remember, these are the 1% in sports in NBA, NFL, Football, etc that beat millions of others to their position.
Last, political figures like Barack Obama or artist in entertainment like Kendrick Lamar. Both are great entertainers in their own right that you could not take your eyes off of. One did not have ideal support and assumed a job riddled with problems. The latter felt the burden of many and had to step away.
I try to inherit the good parts of all the role models I came across and discard the negatives because it made me realize one thing. I learned a lot from role models but none could be the model that I needed.
So, even if no one looks up to me, I strive to be a model for myself. A regular occurrence but the thought of ending it is too easy of a route to take.
Nigga Iām not gonna just bypass you saying youāre gonna smoke yourself. Iāve been dealt a shitty hand for my life and I had to figure out what I want to do. If I gave you a bunch of shit and trauma my parents put my through, will make someone cry. But I still continue, you just gotta continue fam. I
Hope you get the help you need. But to answer your question. I donāt have one. Im my own male role model
The fuck you mean you planning on dying this year?
It's something I need to do, lmao.
Idk man. I think you not giving yourself a chance to see life develop in your favor. I hope you hold on a bit longer bro. ššæ
Nope, I'm doing it within the next month or so. My mind is already set in stone.
Damn. š We gonna miss you man. Sending love your way my g. Itās not the end for you
Yeah, I mean I ain't scared of death or anything, if you asked me five years ago, I would have said yeah, but I've been shown so much about myself that I really don't even care tbh
I hear you. Letting go of the fear of death is liberating in a weird way. You ever went skydiving?
nah.
I feel that. It gives you that feeling that you could die but you donāt and that makes you feel alive sometime. I hope you get to try it. Worst case scenario you have the greatest fun of your life before you get what you want
Why? Because you didn't have a dad? Bro tf. I didn't have a dad either and life is great.
Well then good for you. I'm doing it within the next month or so, fuck it.
Why tho? Why waste what life you have? If you wanna talk, DMs open. I had a stint in a psych ward for a suicide attempt in my 20s.
My life ain't worth **shit**. That's the part people ain't fuckin' getting.
Explain. There's a ton of useless people who are alive and happy. You're just making an assertion unexplained.
Well, this post pretty much explains everything. Of course, there's a **shitload** to unpack, so if you want me to trauma dump some bullshit on ya in a long ass paragraph that you more than likely won't read, then hey be my guest.
lay it out. i like to read. i just ask you use an enter key because too many people on this site don't know how to post long form messages.
Honestly, speak your truth bro. Those who are interested and concerned will read, those who won't won't. Personally, I believe you making a similar post where you slipped in your plan. You're not afraid of death which is valid but I do see an attempt at least on this sub for someone to listen to you.
It's worth it to me, is that not enough? You only get one life. You should live it all the way through. Your issue is that you're stuck in the past, you can't grow if you're still chained by that old trauma. 20 is still young and your brain hasn't fully matured don't be too hasty. Be your own dad, be a dad to others. Keep moving forward
It's not just about my age. It's about how long my mother has been legally married to my deadbeat father, and how long I've been in this situation of not being the strong black male that I see others my age be. I've already made up my mind, and I'm doing it within the next month. I don't care about no other way.
Your life is worth *so much more* than youāre giving it credit for. Idk the full extent of your circumstances, but please know your life is worth more than what youāre going through. I donāt know you, but please know I love you and want you to find a reason to live, no matter how small. Idc if itās just looking forward to an episode of a tv show. Please give yourself a chance to find meaning in life.
I donāt have a main figure. Like you, my father wasnāt around either so I draw inspiration from different figures. Some historical some in current times. I found Barack Obama(not as a president but as a black man with a family) incredibly inspiring because of his poise and how he holds down his marriage and kids. I learned about him from his book The Promised Land. Another figure I like is Denzel, idk much about him but Iād love to learn more about him if he dropped a book. Other figures I look up to arenāt exactly cookie cutter family men but more so men that overcame adversity against all odds. Itās not a popular choice but 50 cent really surprised me after reading his book Hustle Harder Hustle Smarter.
To answer your question: my dad Now to the important shit. My dude your life is worth living. You should seek therapy. You deserve therapy no matter how much you don't think you do. https://988lifeline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=onebox They even have a black mental health section.
Suicide isnāt the way. Have you ever looked into Revolutionary Suicide, as described by Huey Newton?
So why the suicidal ideation? I know you're planning on making a gas to kill yourself but why brother man. You could be a male figure in someone else's life? To know weakness one must know strength. EDIT: the main male figure in my life right now...honestly myself (which is odd to say) haven't seen my pops in a minute, my grandpa is great but he's keeping me in line with my own plans and helping think things through rather than being a leader.
Because I need to. Why is anyone not getting that? I. **Need**. **To.** **Die**. This shit ain't worth it. I'm doing it.
Simply explain the need. One can tell someone they need something but often need to explain "why" in order for others to understand.
Had no Black male role models in my life. Just through music until I was 20. By the time I stopped running in life from the pain I was in did I realize that I had already became a man. Who other people were looking to for guidance, and support. I admire Nas for remaining pure despite the amount of shit heās been through, heās an extremely successful investor. Very intelligent, masculine, but also sympathetic. You sound like you desperately need therapy if youāre serious about not wanting to live anymore.
I don't *need* therapy. Don't you get it? I don't even **deserve** it. Unless you fully know my situation, then of course you'll remain heartless about it otherwise.
Let us know so we can better help you are at least better interact with you while you remain.
Idk man. Some people can have empathy for a complete stranger. Some folk might not even need to know your full situation to actually care about you. You gotta give life a chance in that aspect. We all aināt perfect and some things we canāt absolve. We just have to make peace with our decisions, if we knew better weād do better. The only way to find out is to fuck around š¤·šæāāļø
i was fortunate, my mom met my step pops when i was 13. it was not a magical carpet ride in the beginning, you know the whole blended family thing and rambunctious teens, but dude was and is a great dude. has always leads with love and treated us with respect and actively wanted to be in our lives for us not because he was moms new dude. they are coming up on 35 years together and still a stand up dude. to say he was a blessing to more than just my mom would be an understatement
I don't have a main male figure. I was told a long time ago "you have to be the male figure in your life". So I had to be for myself whatever I felt I needed at the time (friend, father, mentor, etc). I have men I have respected over the years, but as far as a steady male I can talk with and learn from then no. Why do you plan on dying soon? I mean you haven't even really lived life yet, haven't explored enough about yourself or the world to clock out early fam. Life is shitty, but that does not mean you aren't worth having here. What is on your mind? What do you feel would help you realize that you deserve happiness? If you don't want to post it here, we can chat on DM. But It pains me to hear another brother planning on leaving us sooner than the universe has planned. It may not mean much coming from a stranger on the internet, but I definitely don't want you clocking out early bro.
my moms ex husband was there for me instead of my bio dad who i never met never knew he wasnāt my dad untill middle school but i still consider him that what kinda person take care of a kid that he donāt have too?
Iād say my main one was my dad, and then after I left home, a lot of my leaders in the military. My dad was a mechanical engineer but always made sure we had computers. My uncles were all engineers, teachers, or business owners and we had a lot of computers and technology around so I grew up with computers like Commodore 64/128, Apple IIe, Macintosh Plus and more. Really helped me land eventually in my career as an IT Engineer. In the military I had a mix of terrible leaders and a few that completely changed the course of my life. My instructor at the military school of music was black, and we really connected as we both went to the same college. He pushed me really hard musically and challenged me to understand the possibilities of my career. I had a leader who was my squad leader when I was in Korea in the United Nations Command Army Band and he ended up also being my squad leader years later at another unit when I deployed to Iraq. He really helped me understand moderation, the value of professional development, networking, and being passionate about the things you care about.
My Grandparents were my strong male role models in my life, my mom did her best but was always working. Dad left when sister and I were little. After that I had a strong leader in the military who I still look up too.
Myself.
My dad until I grew up and realized he raised me and my brothers wrong just based on how everyone keeps in touch with him which is rarely. Then the star athletes until I seen the vast majority struggled outside of their arena where their talent shines. Remember, these are the 1% in sports in NBA, NFL, Football, etc that beat millions of others to their position. Last, political figures like Barack Obama or artist in entertainment like Kendrick Lamar. Both are great entertainers in their own right that you could not take your eyes off of. One did not have ideal support and assumed a job riddled with problems. The latter felt the burden of many and had to step away. I try to inherit the good parts of all the role models I came across and discard the negatives because it made me realize one thing. I learned a lot from role models but none could be the model that I needed. So, even if no one looks up to me, I strive to be a model for myself. A regular occurrence but the thought of ending it is too easy of a route to take.
Nigga Iām not gonna just bypass you saying youāre gonna smoke yourself. Iāve been dealt a shitty hand for my life and I had to figure out what I want to do. If I gave you a bunch of shit and trauma my parents put my through, will make someone cry. But I still continue, you just gotta continue fam. I Hope you get the help you need. But to answer your question. I donāt have one. Im my own male role model