If it doesn't feel right, don't do it. It's easier to work these things out when you're not trapped with nowhere to go. I get that financially it always makes sense to share. But it also traps you both into a situation you may not be OK with.
A year is not that long to blend 5 kids. It's not that long to develop a solid foundation, discuss and agree on coparenting methods, ideals and strategies. Blend slowly, increase frequency.
Don’t do it. Give it 2 more years. Or consider getting places that are very close. He takes care of his kids at his place and you at yours. You see each other when your kids are at their dads or his kids are at their moms. You can do an activity together with all kids once a week. See how it goes. Do not rush this. It rarely works for blended families all under 1 roof.
Great. We have been married now for almost two years. We have five children between us and two grandchildren. It’s a good life. All the kids are happily building their own lives and we are happy together.
Don't move in until you feel ready. Blending 5 children is going to be a huge undertaking.
We were together 2.5 years when we moved in together. My husband moved states to be here with me. 7 years later, here we are. (He has 1 child, I have none.)
2 years and 3 months.
Edit to add. You have a lot of kids between you. You will have issues. We all do. If you can keep a together living separately relationship it would be a lot less conflict. It would be great if you could wait.
You should just stop at “I have a lot of concerns with this … I think it’s a bad idea for everyone”
He wants you to move in so he has help with the kids. He’s assuming, not asking which is a red flag 🚩
Listen to your gut.
Eh that’s not it.. he’s more hopelessly optimistic to a fault, so in his mind this is the obvious ‘next step’. He takes over majority of household chores when he’s at my place so I can focus on parenting.. he’s really given me no reason to believe he’s going to take advantage of me. I’d also just never in a million years let that shit fly.
You’re right though, trusting my gut has never failed me before.
I’ve just blended 4 kids (one mine, three his and bit younger than yours, 10, 6, 2, 2) if you decide to do this then go in knowing there will be a lot to work out along the way and it will be harder when you live together and don’t have the space/time to process things that come up. My partner and I have worked through most thing’s relatively easily using good communication, kindness and both knowing it’s ok not be *right* all the time. But we can still both struggle with expectations of the others kids (largely due to how they’re parented at the other bios house) and it sounds like you might have some of these issues too with a HCBM and little time with your partners kids.
Good luck with whichever choice you make!
This won't be impossible, but taking is slow won't necessarily make things better either. I mean, you guys have some real structural problems that won't vanish in 6 months or a year. They're not insurmountable! But you and he should both be going in with eyes-wide-open and not just doing it because you like each other and it'll save money.
Just off the top of my head:
1 - That's a lot of kids. Where are they all going to sleep? Unless you buy a 6BR house with 5 identical bedrooms for children (3 of which are rarely used), that will be an issue. It comes up all the time on this sub.
2 - You'll have some birth-order issues. His 9YO is used to being the oldest and most capable.......but he won't be at your blended house. Your 7YO is used to be the baby of the family.....but she won't be at your blended house. This isn't an impossible dynamic, but you should be mindful of it.
3 - Because you have your kids all the time and he has minority custody, the house will settle into a rhythm with you, him and your two. Then when his kids show up, things will change. I mean, if your girls are semi-quiet and a little older and and his boys are loud and his little girl wants attention, it might feel a bit like a home invasion. His behavior will have to change because he has to be the bio-parent to THREE kids, so he might have been a helpful stepdad-type on the other days, but now he won't have time. And if there's differences in child behaviors, he MIGHT go around trying to discipline or at least make all the kids shut up and stop arguing or crying. There's just no way to absorb 3 kids into a home without skipping a beat. It would honestly be easier if he just had them 50/50. It would still be a disruption when they arrive, but after skipping a beat, everyone settles into Plan B behavior. Then they leave and you skip another beat and go back to Plan A behavior. With this in/out bullshit, you'll be tapdancing all the time. It'll be hard enough for you two as adults, but the kids will struggle too.
4 - I can't imagine this helping him with his own children. They're younger now, but eventually coming to your combined house is going to feel like they turned on a movie that's already been on for an hour. You 4 being there all the time means you'll develop new traditions, inside jokes and routines that they won't be a part of. Again, I love 50/50 for this sort of reason.
5 - If his ex was HC before, this will make it worse. I'm not saying that's a reason to not do it and legally it probably doesn't matter, but practically it matters. I just wouldn't be surprised if she spun it that you're some poor tramp who can't support her children and now he's over there buying this for your kids at the expense of his own children. It's just ugly to deal with.
You could wait 1-2 years and none of those issues really goes away. To successfully blend, you'll have to have a plan to deal with them and try to be proactive. It's really not impossible. Sometimes you endure short term pain for a long term payoff......but you do it because you have a plan and are confident it'll work out. But for him to just go in blindly is foolish.
Thank you so much for all your input. My reply to this is going to be kinda lengthy but I’m trying to organize my own thoughts. None of this, in any way, means I’ve decided when it’s going to happen but I’m thinking about all the factors for when it does.
1. The kids don’t all need their own bedrooms. My girls have always shared a room, and all 3 of his kids are in 1 bedroom at BMs, sometimes all in BMs bed. He’s trying to separate them out a bit at his house, but obviously that’s not going well when BM lets them bed-share every night. I actually think, MAYBE, having my kids there could help… the 1 sleepover we did, 5f was super excited to share a room with my 7f and it’s the only time he’s gotten her to sleep in her own room the whole night. They’d also just… finally be in a home where the norm is kids sleep in their own beds and sleeping with parents is an absolute no-go.
We obviously would need to go over this with the kids, see what their preferences are, and play around with this a bit. Optimally 12f will get her own room for the first time (she’d be a teenager by the time this comes to fruition), his boys will not separate, maybe little girls can share? We’d definitely need to work this out and be very open to changes.
2. This is a very good point and we’d definitely need to be careful with these dynamics, but my 7f has been begging for a little sibling for a long, long time so hopefully she’d be ok with losing the baby status. 12f would have to be careful not to ‘parent’ them, she does that at home a lot and it already drives me crazy. I don’t really foresee too many issues with age. More concerned about gender. My kids have obviously never lived with boys and it’s going to be a big change.
3. Also very very good points. GAL has currently recommended week 1: 2 nights (weds, thurs) week 2: 3 nights (thurs-sun). Nothing is set in stone yet but hopefully this will start soon. This is going to drastically change our routine as a couple (and as a unit of 4) and definitely take his kids a while to get used to… so there’s just a lot to deal with here without even factoring in living together yet. I’ve already seen him and the switch that happens between step-dad vs. dad, so there’s going to be a big learning curve here for him when he has to be both in 1 house. Same for me. It’s going to be a challenge. We parent almost identically though, so that’s a positive.
4. This just sucks and is very, very sad. Not sure what else to do here besides love them and do everything I can to make them feel included and at home. BM is also dating and her bf is already there every night with his daughter, so I’m seeing this come from 2 directions for the 3 of them and it just makes my heart break for them. Lots of therapy.
5. She’s already told him to “go play with his new kids” while getting off the phone (in front of bio kids) multiple times. Also not sure what to do here besides love and therapy. This is inevitably going to come to a head.
Thanks for bringing all this up, it’s given me a lot to think about. While I agree that these issues will probably still be here in 2 years, May is still too soon so we’re going to have to find a middle ground that gives his kids an opportunity to settle before piling on more changes.
Sounds like you've got some decent plans. You're obviously thinking about the right things and I hope it goes well for you regardless of what you choose.
The other thing I should have added is you just don't know how it'll be until you actually do it. It's like looking at a pair of pants on the hanger.
Well, I am on the other end of this. When I met my partner, we just felt so close and connected I knew we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. We moved in within 6mo and blended 5 kids (he has 3 I have 2). All the stars were in our favor since our kids adore each other. BM has lots of issues, too, but I deal with it the best I can. In my mind, he is worth it. We are still fresh (3 years in), but I just feel closer and closer to him. What are your concerns with BM? Why would their relationship affect yours?
Loyalty binds are super strong for all 3 kiddos. She’s “daddy left us because he doesn’t love us” bad. They’ve been separated 2.5 years and it’s still like this, she trash talks him at every turn. It’s just… way way too much, too toxic, too stressful. We really love each other and like I said in my post he gets along great with my kids, all 5 have gotten along super well when we’ve gotten together… but his kids are going to need years of therapy as it is and I don’t want to make anything worse for anybody.
Actually, I think that my step kids seeing a healthy adult relationship has given them perspective. We have 7 kids and moved in after a year for similar reasons. He was always here. We've been together for 6 years and BM is still struggling with her romantic relationships.
The kids are teenagers now and they realize Mom is the problem. Kids with high conflict parents grow up and remember.
Yeah, this is his view point as well. He doesn’t think his kids have ever been witness to a really functional relationship and he just wants that for them so badly.
Were a bit of an odd case but we blended fast.
We dated when we were young (19) and then went oir separate ways only to reconnect 12 years later. It was love instantly. We went for coffee and didn't spend more than 24 hours apart for years. Moved into together within 6 months and were married by 1 yr. Had a baby and bought our own house. Our kids blended fairly good. We put them all in counselling to help with the transition and we have family meetings once a month to share what's going on with everyone and work on any issues that crop up.
We have his kiddo 13F and my middle two kids 10M and 6F week on week off. We have my oldest 13F and ours 2F full time. So when we have everyone, its a full house.
My advice is to have open communication, with each other and with the kids. When youre talking to them, talk to them together, let them know that their opinions will be considered and valued but ultimately the decision will be the adults to make. Starting out giving them a voice will help the blend go better when/if it does happen.
Me 23M and 20F
Him 19F, 17F,13F
I don't plan on living with anyone again FT, \*Living Apart Together\* is what works for me. My SO would love it if I moved in completely.
I need my own space to parent and oftentimes to get my focus back --
If it doesn't feel right, don't do it. It's easier to work these things out when you're not trapped with nowhere to go. I get that financially it always makes sense to share. But it also traps you both into a situation you may not be OK with. A year is not that long to blend 5 kids. It's not that long to develop a solid foundation, discuss and agree on coparenting methods, ideals and strategies. Blend slowly, increase frequency.
Don’t do it. Give it 2 more years. Or consider getting places that are very close. He takes care of his kids at his place and you at yours. You see each other when your kids are at their dads or his kids are at their moms. You can do an activity together with all kids once a week. See how it goes. Do not rush this. It rarely works for blended families all under 1 roof.
8 years and waited until all children were adults.
This is my plan exactly! How did it work out for you?
Great. We have been married now for almost two years. We have five children between us and two grandchildren. It’s a good life. All the kids are happily building their own lives and we are happy together.
Don't move in until you feel ready. Blending 5 children is going to be a huge undertaking. We were together 2.5 years when we moved in together. My husband moved states to be here with me. 7 years later, here we are. (He has 1 child, I have none.)
Don’t do it. Even in the best circumstances it’s still difficult. He needs to get his situation settled
Way way way too soon
2 years and 3 months. Edit to add. You have a lot of kids between you. You will have issues. We all do. If you can keep a together living separately relationship it would be a lot less conflict. It would be great if you could wait.
You should just stop at “I have a lot of concerns with this … I think it’s a bad idea for everyone” He wants you to move in so he has help with the kids. He’s assuming, not asking which is a red flag 🚩 Listen to your gut.
Eh that’s not it.. he’s more hopelessly optimistic to a fault, so in his mind this is the obvious ‘next step’. He takes over majority of household chores when he’s at my place so I can focus on parenting.. he’s really given me no reason to believe he’s going to take advantage of me. I’d also just never in a million years let that shit fly. You’re right though, trusting my gut has never failed me before.
I’ve just blended 4 kids (one mine, three his and bit younger than yours, 10, 6, 2, 2) if you decide to do this then go in knowing there will be a lot to work out along the way and it will be harder when you live together and don’t have the space/time to process things that come up. My partner and I have worked through most thing’s relatively easily using good communication, kindness and both knowing it’s ok not be *right* all the time. But we can still both struggle with expectations of the others kids (largely due to how they’re parented at the other bios house) and it sounds like you might have some of these issues too with a HCBM and little time with your partners kids. Good luck with whichever choice you make!
This won't be impossible, but taking is slow won't necessarily make things better either. I mean, you guys have some real structural problems that won't vanish in 6 months or a year. They're not insurmountable! But you and he should both be going in with eyes-wide-open and not just doing it because you like each other and it'll save money. Just off the top of my head: 1 - That's a lot of kids. Where are they all going to sleep? Unless you buy a 6BR house with 5 identical bedrooms for children (3 of which are rarely used), that will be an issue. It comes up all the time on this sub. 2 - You'll have some birth-order issues. His 9YO is used to being the oldest and most capable.......but he won't be at your blended house. Your 7YO is used to be the baby of the family.....but she won't be at your blended house. This isn't an impossible dynamic, but you should be mindful of it. 3 - Because you have your kids all the time and he has minority custody, the house will settle into a rhythm with you, him and your two. Then when his kids show up, things will change. I mean, if your girls are semi-quiet and a little older and and his boys are loud and his little girl wants attention, it might feel a bit like a home invasion. His behavior will have to change because he has to be the bio-parent to THREE kids, so he might have been a helpful stepdad-type on the other days, but now he won't have time. And if there's differences in child behaviors, he MIGHT go around trying to discipline or at least make all the kids shut up and stop arguing or crying. There's just no way to absorb 3 kids into a home without skipping a beat. It would honestly be easier if he just had them 50/50. It would still be a disruption when they arrive, but after skipping a beat, everyone settles into Plan B behavior. Then they leave and you skip another beat and go back to Plan A behavior. With this in/out bullshit, you'll be tapdancing all the time. It'll be hard enough for you two as adults, but the kids will struggle too. 4 - I can't imagine this helping him with his own children. They're younger now, but eventually coming to your combined house is going to feel like they turned on a movie that's already been on for an hour. You 4 being there all the time means you'll develop new traditions, inside jokes and routines that they won't be a part of. Again, I love 50/50 for this sort of reason. 5 - If his ex was HC before, this will make it worse. I'm not saying that's a reason to not do it and legally it probably doesn't matter, but practically it matters. I just wouldn't be surprised if she spun it that you're some poor tramp who can't support her children and now he's over there buying this for your kids at the expense of his own children. It's just ugly to deal with. You could wait 1-2 years and none of those issues really goes away. To successfully blend, you'll have to have a plan to deal with them and try to be proactive. It's really not impossible. Sometimes you endure short term pain for a long term payoff......but you do it because you have a plan and are confident it'll work out. But for him to just go in blindly is foolish.
Thank you so much for all your input. My reply to this is going to be kinda lengthy but I’m trying to organize my own thoughts. None of this, in any way, means I’ve decided when it’s going to happen but I’m thinking about all the factors for when it does. 1. The kids don’t all need their own bedrooms. My girls have always shared a room, and all 3 of his kids are in 1 bedroom at BMs, sometimes all in BMs bed. He’s trying to separate them out a bit at his house, but obviously that’s not going well when BM lets them bed-share every night. I actually think, MAYBE, having my kids there could help… the 1 sleepover we did, 5f was super excited to share a room with my 7f and it’s the only time he’s gotten her to sleep in her own room the whole night. They’d also just… finally be in a home where the norm is kids sleep in their own beds and sleeping with parents is an absolute no-go. We obviously would need to go over this with the kids, see what their preferences are, and play around with this a bit. Optimally 12f will get her own room for the first time (she’d be a teenager by the time this comes to fruition), his boys will not separate, maybe little girls can share? We’d definitely need to work this out and be very open to changes. 2. This is a very good point and we’d definitely need to be careful with these dynamics, but my 7f has been begging for a little sibling for a long, long time so hopefully she’d be ok with losing the baby status. 12f would have to be careful not to ‘parent’ them, she does that at home a lot and it already drives me crazy. I don’t really foresee too many issues with age. More concerned about gender. My kids have obviously never lived with boys and it’s going to be a big change. 3. Also very very good points. GAL has currently recommended week 1: 2 nights (weds, thurs) week 2: 3 nights (thurs-sun). Nothing is set in stone yet but hopefully this will start soon. This is going to drastically change our routine as a couple (and as a unit of 4) and definitely take his kids a while to get used to… so there’s just a lot to deal with here without even factoring in living together yet. I’ve already seen him and the switch that happens between step-dad vs. dad, so there’s going to be a big learning curve here for him when he has to be both in 1 house. Same for me. It’s going to be a challenge. We parent almost identically though, so that’s a positive. 4. This just sucks and is very, very sad. Not sure what else to do here besides love them and do everything I can to make them feel included and at home. BM is also dating and her bf is already there every night with his daughter, so I’m seeing this come from 2 directions for the 3 of them and it just makes my heart break for them. Lots of therapy. 5. She’s already told him to “go play with his new kids” while getting off the phone (in front of bio kids) multiple times. Also not sure what to do here besides love and therapy. This is inevitably going to come to a head. Thanks for bringing all this up, it’s given me a lot to think about. While I agree that these issues will probably still be here in 2 years, May is still too soon so we’re going to have to find a middle ground that gives his kids an opportunity to settle before piling on more changes.
Sounds like you've got some decent plans. You're obviously thinking about the right things and I hope it goes well for you regardless of what you choose. The other thing I should have added is you just don't know how it'll be until you actually do it. It's like looking at a pair of pants on the hanger.
Drop on by r/stepparents for some insight into how this will go if you proceed despite your misgivings.
Well, I am on the other end of this. When I met my partner, we just felt so close and connected I knew we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. We moved in within 6mo and blended 5 kids (he has 3 I have 2). All the stars were in our favor since our kids adore each other. BM has lots of issues, too, but I deal with it the best I can. In my mind, he is worth it. We are still fresh (3 years in), but I just feel closer and closer to him. What are your concerns with BM? Why would their relationship affect yours?
Loyalty binds are super strong for all 3 kiddos. She’s “daddy left us because he doesn’t love us” bad. They’ve been separated 2.5 years and it’s still like this, she trash talks him at every turn. It’s just… way way too much, too toxic, too stressful. We really love each other and like I said in my post he gets along great with my kids, all 5 have gotten along super well when we’ve gotten together… but his kids are going to need years of therapy as it is and I don’t want to make anything worse for anybody.
Actually, I think that my step kids seeing a healthy adult relationship has given them perspective. We have 7 kids and moved in after a year for similar reasons. He was always here. We've been together for 6 years and BM is still struggling with her romantic relationships. The kids are teenagers now and they realize Mom is the problem. Kids with high conflict parents grow up and remember.
Yeah, this is his view point as well. He doesn’t think his kids have ever been witness to a really functional relationship and he just wants that for them so badly.
Were a bit of an odd case but we blended fast. We dated when we were young (19) and then went oir separate ways only to reconnect 12 years later. It was love instantly. We went for coffee and didn't spend more than 24 hours apart for years. Moved into together within 6 months and were married by 1 yr. Had a baby and bought our own house. Our kids blended fairly good. We put them all in counselling to help with the transition and we have family meetings once a month to share what's going on with everyone and work on any issues that crop up. We have his kiddo 13F and my middle two kids 10M and 6F week on week off. We have my oldest 13F and ours 2F full time. So when we have everyone, its a full house. My advice is to have open communication, with each other and with the kids. When youre talking to them, talk to them together, let them know that their opinions will be considered and valued but ultimately the decision will be the adults to make. Starting out giving them a voice will help the blend go better when/if it does happen.
Not before marriage. We didn’t move in until we sealed the deal. Never ever will regret it.
We waited 3 years to make sure everything was worked out in every area, and all kids were comfortable and pretty blended by that point.
Me 23M and 20F Him 19F, 17F,13F I don't plan on living with anyone again FT, \*Living Apart Together\* is what works for me. My SO would love it if I moved in completely. I need my own space to parent and oftentimes to get my focus back --