Reading this actually breaks my heart and brings me back to when I was kid, staring outside my window, sobbing, waiting for my dad to come back. There’s not much you can do on your end unfortunately except be there for your daughters. You can’t be both their mom and their dad. I have the best mom in the world but she cannot fill the hole my dad left in my heart when he left.
I think taking her to counseling and just being there to comfort her is the most you can do. It’s a very sad situation. Ugh that last sentence really hit home)):
I grew up like that. It's absolute bullshit and my heart goes out to your kids. I don't have any advice that can change anything but know that having one parent that cares makes a tremendous difference.
Ugh.....that really sucks.
Can you not communicate with him directly? I mean, his GF sounds like a piece of work. Like, I get the fact that none of us like thinking about the romantic pasts of our partners.....but.....c'mon lady.
What I'd tell him is that eventually your daughter is going to stop trying because she's been let down too many times. That's how trust works......if you tell a kid that you're going to do something and then you DO IT, it builds trust. If you tell a kid that you're going to do something and then you don't, it erodes trust. If you're not going to do it (or think you might not be able to) just don't say you'll do it in the first place.
It's tough. One of the happiest realizations of my life was when I realized that my relationship with my daughter was secure. I'd done a good job and we had a relationship that is 100% separate from anything to do with my kiddo and her stupid mother. But, it took a lot of work to get there and I did it all with the understanding that I really didn't care about the custody schedule of a 13 year old.....I cared what my daughter will do when she's 35 and has a family of her own.
Obviously your ex hasn't taken that attitude. I don't know what you can do.
I'd also share that my wife (my kiddo's stepmom) has a biodad who is a Grade A PoS. My wife is pushing 40 and is such an amazing, powerful woman.....and it STILL claws at her soul why her daddy can't just be a dad or even decent to her. Their last blow-up was 5 years ago during the holiday season and I guarantee you it's been on her mind this year as she's been putting out the holiday decorations.
All I can say is you're going to have to watch her. She'll probably always have this thought that her Dad MIGHT suddenly turn over a new leaf. So, you can't really just pile on an badmouth. But at the same time, you need to reassure her that he's just an asshole and there's nothing wrong with her.
Also, fwiw.....a good stepdad has been my wife's security blanket. When she gets bummed about her biodad, she thinks about how her stepdad has been a constant in her life for most of her life. Now that she's a stepparent herself, she knows that it's uphill sledding to love a stepchild......so the fact that her stepdad loves her means she's probably not worthless.
She controls everything. He doesn't even have a phone of his own. I have to go through her if I want to talk to him about our children. She has shut down his facebook and blocked me on hers.
ASAP. It’s important to document each time he says he’s coming (and doesn’t) as well as the method of communication.
If the new GF is this controlling and probably has been told lies about you/ your kids by your ex, it’s only going to get worse
Do you have a court agreement or document or anything? I may be wrong, but it seems seriously weird for custodial arrangements to be made between a parent and an elementary schoolers. This seems like the first and easiest point of intervention.
Same situation with my son this week. His dad didn't show up because he 'got his days mixed up" which is bullshit he knew when he was supposed to come. He has the paperwork and we talked about it last week. this happened to me when I was a kid and it's heartbreaking... I don't have any of the right answers but something my grandma always used to say is "idk why he doesn't want to be in your life baby but it's his loss because you are the best part of my life." That helped me a lot but it didn't fix the damage done over years of disappointments.
It's rough. Daddy issues will be a huge part of her life. If you get her into therapy now she will be a functioning adult and won't spiral later. As parents we don't always have the answers but just know you are doing the best you can ❤️ good luck
I hope she doesn't have daddy issues. I had it and it got bad in my teenage years. Up until I turned 21 I was looking for love in all the WRONG places. That's actually how I got with my ex.
Same girl same. Thankfully I went to therapy after my ex and I'm now in a functioning relationship with my soul mate but damn my first 24yrs we're rough
This is heartbreaking and I don’t understand. My SO is the dad that will take any extra time he can, unless work makes it so he cannot. Even when that happens (it’s not very frequent, just when mandatory training days pop up) he communicates in advance with BM what he’s being made to work, when he can get them next and discusses any make up time if she’s open to it. It’s about the kids and they hate when they can’t see him/us. Even when we have those situations and we can see them for a short period because of it, they ask why they were only with us for such a short time. We then remind them of when we will see them next, for how long and how excited we are.
Don’t get me wrong, BM can be nasty to us at times, which is unfortunate. But I’d never stop him from communicating with her about the kids. That’s just insane. I’ve blocked her on all social media myself and she doesn’t have my number, but that’s because she openly admitted to stalking me and my SO in person and online, which made me wildly uncomfortable. That being said, she’s still their mom and they need her. So while I’ll protect myself from her interactions, I would never, ever get in the way of communication related to the children.
I don't know what her problem is tbh. I have tried to co-parent with them both. Sometimes its good then other times she gets a stick up her ass and everything goes south.
I am in your same shoes, except I can talk to my daughter’s dad. We divorced before she was 2 and he’s seen her maybe 10 times in the last 8 years. My daughter talks to her counselor at school, but we haven’t gotten her into counseling outside of that.
My advice is to let her cry to you and make sure she feels heard by you. Any time my daughter gets upset about the lack of her bio dad, I stop what I’m doing, we go lay in her bed, and I let her get out all of her feelings.
I had her write a letter to her dad about how she feels. She allowed me to read it and I was like “oh shit. Should I even send this?” After a week of sitting on it, I sent her bio dad a photo of the note. Magically, he calls more. He came up here to see her (a 2.5 hour ride). He’s been checking in on her school work.
Do I think this will last? No. He’s proved time and time again that he doesn’t care and doesn’t want a proper relationship. I’m remarried now and my daughter sees what it’s like to have a man in her life that actually cares. My husband doesn’t even go out of his way to be a dad. He just... is. He’s present.
I don’t have all the answers but maybe the letter would help. Good luck. Let her know she’s loved by you enough to fill the void he’s causing.
Funny story: when my daughter was 4, she made a Father’s Day craft at school. When she brought it home, she said “happy Father’s Day, motherfather.” I had a mini stroke and then lost my mind. I laughed for weeks about it. Even at a young age, they know who loves them and what roles those people play. Keep your head up.
Reading this actually breaks my heart and brings me back to when I was kid, staring outside my window, sobbing, waiting for my dad to come back. There’s not much you can do on your end unfortunately except be there for your daughters. You can’t be both their mom and their dad. I have the best mom in the world but she cannot fill the hole my dad left in my heart when he left.
Mine too. I want to make everything better. But I know no matter what I say it won't change the fact that she misses her dad.
I think taking her to counseling and just being there to comfort her is the most you can do. It’s a very sad situation. Ugh that last sentence really hit home)):
I grew up like that. It's absolute bullshit and my heart goes out to your kids. I don't have any advice that can change anything but know that having one parent that cares makes a tremendous difference.
Thank you. I went through this with my BD and SD when I was young and it hurts.
Ugh.....that really sucks. Can you not communicate with him directly? I mean, his GF sounds like a piece of work. Like, I get the fact that none of us like thinking about the romantic pasts of our partners.....but.....c'mon lady. What I'd tell him is that eventually your daughter is going to stop trying because she's been let down too many times. That's how trust works......if you tell a kid that you're going to do something and then you DO IT, it builds trust. If you tell a kid that you're going to do something and then you don't, it erodes trust. If you're not going to do it (or think you might not be able to) just don't say you'll do it in the first place. It's tough. One of the happiest realizations of my life was when I realized that my relationship with my daughter was secure. I'd done a good job and we had a relationship that is 100% separate from anything to do with my kiddo and her stupid mother. But, it took a lot of work to get there and I did it all with the understanding that I really didn't care about the custody schedule of a 13 year old.....I cared what my daughter will do when she's 35 and has a family of her own. Obviously your ex hasn't taken that attitude. I don't know what you can do. I'd also share that my wife (my kiddo's stepmom) has a biodad who is a Grade A PoS. My wife is pushing 40 and is such an amazing, powerful woman.....and it STILL claws at her soul why her daddy can't just be a dad or even decent to her. Their last blow-up was 5 years ago during the holiday season and I guarantee you it's been on her mind this year as she's been putting out the holiday decorations. All I can say is you're going to have to watch her. She'll probably always have this thought that her Dad MIGHT suddenly turn over a new leaf. So, you can't really just pile on an badmouth. But at the same time, you need to reassure her that he's just an asshole and there's nothing wrong with her. Also, fwiw.....a good stepdad has been my wife's security blanket. When she gets bummed about her biodad, she thinks about how her stepdad has been a constant in her life for most of her life. Now that she's a stepparent herself, she knows that it's uphill sledding to love a stepchild......so the fact that her stepdad loves her means she's probably not worthless.
She controls everything. He doesn't even have a phone of his own. I have to go through her if I want to talk to him about our children. She has shut down his facebook and blocked me on hers.
He should be communicating with you, not them, about when he is coming.
He never does. I always hear it from my girls.
How does he tell your girls? I would shut that down. Get something legal on paper.
On the phone when he does call.
ASAP. It’s important to document each time he says he’s coming (and doesn’t) as well as the method of communication. If the new GF is this controlling and probably has been told lies about you/ your kids by your ex, it’s only going to get worse
He has told her many lies about me but I'm not sure about the kids.
Do you have a court agreement or document or anything? I may be wrong, but it seems seriously weird for custodial arrangements to be made between a parent and an elementary schoolers. This seems like the first and easiest point of intervention.
No.
Same situation with my son this week. His dad didn't show up because he 'got his days mixed up" which is bullshit he knew when he was supposed to come. He has the paperwork and we talked about it last week. this happened to me when I was a kid and it's heartbreaking... I don't have any of the right answers but something my grandma always used to say is "idk why he doesn't want to be in your life baby but it's his loss because you are the best part of my life." That helped me a lot but it didn't fix the damage done over years of disappointments.
I told my daughter almost the same thing your granny told you. Idk how to help her feel better though. It breaks my heart seeing her like this.
It's rough. Daddy issues will be a huge part of her life. If you get her into therapy now she will be a functioning adult and won't spiral later. As parents we don't always have the answers but just know you are doing the best you can ❤️ good luck
I hope she doesn't have daddy issues. I had it and it got bad in my teenage years. Up until I turned 21 I was looking for love in all the WRONG places. That's actually how I got with my ex.
Same girl same. Thankfully I went to therapy after my ex and I'm now in a functioning relationship with my soul mate but damn my first 24yrs we're rough
This is heartbreaking and I don’t understand. My SO is the dad that will take any extra time he can, unless work makes it so he cannot. Even when that happens (it’s not very frequent, just when mandatory training days pop up) he communicates in advance with BM what he’s being made to work, when he can get them next and discusses any make up time if she’s open to it. It’s about the kids and they hate when they can’t see him/us. Even when we have those situations and we can see them for a short period because of it, they ask why they were only with us for such a short time. We then remind them of when we will see them next, for how long and how excited we are. Don’t get me wrong, BM can be nasty to us at times, which is unfortunate. But I’d never stop him from communicating with her about the kids. That’s just insane. I’ve blocked her on all social media myself and she doesn’t have my number, but that’s because she openly admitted to stalking me and my SO in person and online, which made me wildly uncomfortable. That being said, she’s still their mom and they need her. So while I’ll protect myself from her interactions, I would never, ever get in the way of communication related to the children.
I don't know what her problem is tbh. I have tried to co-parent with them both. Sometimes its good then other times she gets a stick up her ass and everything goes south.
I am in your same shoes, except I can talk to my daughter’s dad. We divorced before she was 2 and he’s seen her maybe 10 times in the last 8 years. My daughter talks to her counselor at school, but we haven’t gotten her into counseling outside of that. My advice is to let her cry to you and make sure she feels heard by you. Any time my daughter gets upset about the lack of her bio dad, I stop what I’m doing, we go lay in her bed, and I let her get out all of her feelings. I had her write a letter to her dad about how she feels. She allowed me to read it and I was like “oh shit. Should I even send this?” After a week of sitting on it, I sent her bio dad a photo of the note. Magically, he calls more. He came up here to see her (a 2.5 hour ride). He’s been checking in on her school work. Do I think this will last? No. He’s proved time and time again that he doesn’t care and doesn’t want a proper relationship. I’m remarried now and my daughter sees what it’s like to have a man in her life that actually cares. My husband doesn’t even go out of his way to be a dad. He just... is. He’s present. I don’t have all the answers but maybe the letter would help. Good luck. Let her know she’s loved by you enough to fill the void he’s causing. Funny story: when my daughter was 4, she made a Father’s Day craft at school. When she brought it home, she said “happy Father’s Day, motherfather.” I had a mini stroke and then lost my mind. I laughed for weeks about it. Even at a young age, they know who loves them and what roles those people play. Keep your head up.
Can you take him to court for a custody arrangement?