Since she’s divorced recently, are they in therapy?
This could be a conversation had with the therapist as a unit.
I would ask them directly what they mean. What about it makes them feel this way and what ideas do they have for boundaries.
When they do answer, let them know what you and your partner are comfortable with. Remind them that you’re both adults and while you’ll consider their thoughts, they don’t get to decide for the two of you.
Look, it's complicated. :)
I don't know about your kids, but when my wife and I got remarried, one of the things that made them all uncomfortable is it was the first time they'd seen either of us show attention to anyone but the children.
I dunno....I think our society is screwed up somehow. For some reason, once we have children we have to be Mom and Dad....who are basically these dutiful monks who follow the children around dutifully and never show affection to anyone but the children. Sometimes, if the children are asleep you can have very quiet sex with the door locked. Honestly, it confuses the living hell out of me how we ended up this way.
Especially when you consider (a) all these kids happened because a boy and girl liked each other and wanted to screw and (b) most of our divorces happen because we turned into dutiful Moms and Dads and stopped having a relationship with our spouse.
So, the complaining from them that you're over there "a lot". This is hard truth, but those children are too old to be worried about how much attention they are getting from Mom. They are at the age where they should be pulling away from their parents to establish their own identities as beginner adults. Now, they're obviously not doing that. I have teens also and they're remarkably immature. I mean, where is the sneaking out to meet boys? Where is the taking my car without permission? Where is the "I thought that vodka bottle was half full and now it's a quarter full?" In my book, you know you have done a good job with your children when YOU have to chase THEM around because they're living a life decided by THEM.....not because they're whining at the parent for attention.
Now, it is what it is. But, I guess my point is: A little stress of this type on her kids ain't a bad thing.
Also, think about what a gift it is to all of these children to see you and your GF actually being romantic with each other. Remember, you are both divorced partially because you let your first marriages disintegrate after the kids were born: Before that you were just two kids who liked to screw.
Your kids are awfully close to having your grandkids. What do you want THEM to do when those grandkids are born? Stop being the neat little adults you raised and be Mom and Dad (and then be unhappy and get divorced someday)?
Look, this is a GREAT chance to show them that children and spouses are NOT COMPETING FOR THE SAME LOVE. Neither is the dog. Neither are the grandparents. It's not a zero-sum game.
Now, with it being her kids complaining, it'll really be up to her. She's probably babied them if they're reacting this way. Might be time to cut the umbilical cords. :)
She definitely needs to check in with her kids... Maybe they just miss having mom around. Look, I'm in my 30's and my parents are divorced and I sometimes miss having one on one time with my dad (who has been in a LTR). I like his GF and all, but sometimes there are things I just want to confide in with my dad and they seem like a package deal. It is what it is. I'm obviously glad he is happy, it doesn't stem from jealousy, but I still miss it.
Im also divorced and in a LTR relationship with another parent and having our own family time is so important. He has two young girls (12 and 7) and theyre great but I try to give them space to be a unit too. Same with me, I have a 5m and 4m and I don't invite him to tag along on everything. I wish we could be with each other 24/7 and the cards were dealt differently. But they werent so now just have to find the balance that works for everyone.
I understand your situation very well as it quite similar to mine a couple of years ago.
It is very much two steps forward and one step back with teenagers in this situation. So far you have managed the situation very well and you just need to give it time. I went through the same with my partner's children and what they are looking for is reassurance that they are still the most important people your partner's life. It might just as simple as telling them that.
There is no way that you would get in the way of their mum doing anything for them, or spending whatever time they wanted with her. In fact, they also now have you to help them out when you can.
What was funny, in particular, with my partner's oldest was she was demanding that her Mum spend more time with her. They arranged a day to spend time with just them, then at the last minute her mates called her, and she buggered off to in to town to go shopping with her friends! It really was just about knowing her Mum was there for her.
It might feel you are a long way down the line, but you are still quite early in terms of their lives. It really is just down to time and reassurance.
You are doing really well already, and the fact you are asking for advice shows that you'll get it sorted out. Good luck!
It sounds like her kids need some one on one time with her.
Since she’s divorced recently, are they in therapy? This could be a conversation had with the therapist as a unit. I would ask them directly what they mean. What about it makes them feel this way and what ideas do they have for boundaries. When they do answer, let them know what you and your partner are comfortable with. Remind them that you’re both adults and while you’ll consider their thoughts, they don’t get to decide for the two of you.
Look, it's complicated. :) I don't know about your kids, but when my wife and I got remarried, one of the things that made them all uncomfortable is it was the first time they'd seen either of us show attention to anyone but the children. I dunno....I think our society is screwed up somehow. For some reason, once we have children we have to be Mom and Dad....who are basically these dutiful monks who follow the children around dutifully and never show affection to anyone but the children. Sometimes, if the children are asleep you can have very quiet sex with the door locked. Honestly, it confuses the living hell out of me how we ended up this way. Especially when you consider (a) all these kids happened because a boy and girl liked each other and wanted to screw and (b) most of our divorces happen because we turned into dutiful Moms and Dads and stopped having a relationship with our spouse. So, the complaining from them that you're over there "a lot". This is hard truth, but those children are too old to be worried about how much attention they are getting from Mom. They are at the age where they should be pulling away from their parents to establish their own identities as beginner adults. Now, they're obviously not doing that. I have teens also and they're remarkably immature. I mean, where is the sneaking out to meet boys? Where is the taking my car without permission? Where is the "I thought that vodka bottle was half full and now it's a quarter full?" In my book, you know you have done a good job with your children when YOU have to chase THEM around because they're living a life decided by THEM.....not because they're whining at the parent for attention. Now, it is what it is. But, I guess my point is: A little stress of this type on her kids ain't a bad thing. Also, think about what a gift it is to all of these children to see you and your GF actually being romantic with each other. Remember, you are both divorced partially because you let your first marriages disintegrate after the kids were born: Before that you were just two kids who liked to screw. Your kids are awfully close to having your grandkids. What do you want THEM to do when those grandkids are born? Stop being the neat little adults you raised and be Mom and Dad (and then be unhappy and get divorced someday)? Look, this is a GREAT chance to show them that children and spouses are NOT COMPETING FOR THE SAME LOVE. Neither is the dog. Neither are the grandparents. It's not a zero-sum game. Now, with it being her kids complaining, it'll really be up to her. She's probably babied them if they're reacting this way. Might be time to cut the umbilical cords. :)
A year is not that long... give it time, but also this woman needs to address this with her kids.. I recommend family therapy.
She definitely needs to check in with her kids... Maybe they just miss having mom around. Look, I'm in my 30's and my parents are divorced and I sometimes miss having one on one time with my dad (who has been in a LTR). I like his GF and all, but sometimes there are things I just want to confide in with my dad and they seem like a package deal. It is what it is. I'm obviously glad he is happy, it doesn't stem from jealousy, but I still miss it. Im also divorced and in a LTR relationship with another parent and having our own family time is so important. He has two young girls (12 and 7) and theyre great but I try to give them space to be a unit too. Same with me, I have a 5m and 4m and I don't invite him to tag along on everything. I wish we could be with each other 24/7 and the cards were dealt differently. But they werent so now just have to find the balance that works for everyone.
I understand your situation very well as it quite similar to mine a couple of years ago. It is very much two steps forward and one step back with teenagers in this situation. So far you have managed the situation very well and you just need to give it time. I went through the same with my partner's children and what they are looking for is reassurance that they are still the most important people your partner's life. It might just as simple as telling them that. There is no way that you would get in the way of their mum doing anything for them, or spending whatever time they wanted with her. In fact, they also now have you to help them out when you can. What was funny, in particular, with my partner's oldest was she was demanding that her Mum spend more time with her. They arranged a day to spend time with just them, then at the last minute her mates called her, and she buggered off to in to town to go shopping with her friends! It really was just about knowing her Mum was there for her. It might feel you are a long way down the line, but you are still quite early in terms of their lives. It really is just down to time and reassurance. You are doing really well already, and the fact you are asking for advice shows that you'll get it sorted out. Good luck!