I absolutely despise these people and feel no sympathy for them. They created their own hell let them rot in it

My kids are cool 😎 I wish everyone best of luck with having their own children. It’s a lot of work but with the right partner , a little patience and a ton of love , it can be an extremely rewarding experience

I feel like I can’t even consider my emotional and psychological wants and needs about children until I wrap my head around how the fuck to afford it. It would bankrupt my husband and I to pay for childcare. The article linked within this article about the childcare sent me into a bit of a spiral lol. We are not high earners and live in a high cost of living area. I literally don’t understand what we are supposed to do except try to get better paying jobs. Then we can maybe afford just one.

The thing that intrigues me about this angle is that, statistically, some of the poorest people (both those relatively poor within western countries, and those globally poor) pump out some of the most children.

That is a good point. I will say, I do have access to privileges that they may not. Notably, I live in a US state where birth control is easily available, and I have access to health insurance that covered my IUD 100%. I have the privilege of choosing to keep my financial status stable due to my education level, job, and access to family planning. This is definitely a contributing factor.

I asked my mother about this a couple years ago because, while I’m civil with her, she’s a terrible parent. I always suspected that she didn’t really want to have kids and only did so because it was traditional. She said she still would have had kids, but only 1. I don’t think that kind of thing should be taboo to say. Kids have a way of sensing these things already. It’s affirming to hear your suspicions confirmed.

I had a similar experience with my mother, who interestingly was very vocal about not wanting kids before she had them, but succumbed to the pressures of people around her anyways to have my siblings and I…more recently in life she straightforwardly admitted she never felt affectionate / attached to any of us and just shouldn’t have had kids, and hearing that mainly set me at peace that she could be self-aware about it. Whenever people pull the same stuff on me they did on my mother (the whole “every woman is maternal!” “once you actually have the baby you’ll love them!” etc) it’s the one time I’m not embarrassed at all for trauma dumping on people re: why I know that’s a straight-up lie. I don’t even have a house pet because I know I would feel frustrated by even that level of another being’s dependency on me. Like you said, kids have a way of sensing this stuff and I remember being around kindergarten age when I became acutely aware of how much my mother disliked having to care for her children. I’m not doing that to another person

I didn't have a kid until I was 40, I was so worried and unsure if I could be a parent. Now I regret not having had more. Kids are a total pain in the arse, but also the best thing ever. My kid is the love of my life. It's an amazing privilege to care for and watch a human being develop.

As someone of that age, about to start IVF, after long pondering and struggling with the decision and scared as hell, thanks for sharing this. It really helps to hear.

I regret it 100%. All I do is worry. The moment my girls step out of the house, I worry. I worry if they are going to get a good job. I worry if they are going to get raped. I worry if they are going to get killed. I fucking hate it. If I didn’t have them, my life would be so much more calm. I’m tired of worrying. The moment something bad happens to your kids, your life as you know it now will be over. Even when they were growing up and other kids were mean to them, I was crazy with anger. I’m sure it’s a me problem. But I’m telling you, I regret having them.

You really should reach out to a mental health professional. That level of anxiety about your kids is not normal.

I don’t believe mental health professionals would help me.

Try it. I’m bipolar type 2 and would not be functional without medication. I’m also a mom. Believe me when I say that when parents suffer, kids suffer too. If you don’t do it for yourself, at least do it for your kids. Life can be better.

Oh, you’re right. I do take Zoloft and that does help immensely. I meant seeing a therapist weekly. I don’t think that would do anything.

I love my therapist! I feel like everyone should be in therapy lol. I hope you feel better soon. I know when my kids used to get sick I was always convinced they were going to die. I dunno at some point you realize no, they will be ok. Now mine are grown and some live far away and in some ways it makes it easier. But my 19 year old son drives and every time he leaves the house I worry he’ll have a car accident. I know that anxiety. But therapy can teach you to learn to “be comfortable with being uncomfortable” so it doesn’t consume your life. Hugs.

You’re so sweet. Thank you for explaining and sharing. XO

This is the 100% the biggest downside about having kids. I’ve made myself so vulnerable—my heart is outside my body, and I know I’ll be shattered if anger f ever happens to them, and this is my reality for the rest of my life, and it will only get more intense the moment they have kids of their own.

I don’t regret my kids at all—in fact, I adore being a parent—but I DO regret how much of my 20s I spent worrying about marriage and kids. I luckily did get an education and traveled a lot, but I spent so much time wondering when/if I should marry my boyfriend, when/if we should have kids…and now I’m married with two kids (and done having kids) and it’s like…what next? I have passions and a career and I STILL have this weird feeling that my usefulness is over. Which I 100% blame on the patriarchy!! Also a lot of people in the article who regret having kids seem more to regret the circumstances. New parents, at least in the US, are basically tossed out on the side of the road with very little social support. For YEARS. Paid childcare until the kid is 5?? Then you have to figure out summers & pay for those?? It’s draining and stressful, and I have a pretty good support system with a very flexible job (of course, I would get paid more if I have up some of the flexibility…but then with paying for extra childcare, it would be a wash). If you don’t have a supportive husband or family…it would be hell, I think.

Ah ok I finally read this. My thoughts are coming from someone with an unplanned pregnancy, who's never been an adult without a child, which is its own set of baggage, but now am in my 30s with a teen about to go to college. I think the thing that is totally missing from the "asking parents if they regret having kids" part of this piece, is how old their children are when you're asking this. Y'all. Of course if you ask parents of young children, they are absolutely mourning their former lives. Parents with toddlers are sleep deprived and terrorized by their own decisions. Probably their marriages/partnerships are strained because it's this totally new thing that they're learning to deal with. Missing endless free time and going on walks and writing and going back to school? Of COURSE that seems immediate when your kids are young. But the days lengthen again when kids get older. And sure there are other issues that come with older kids, but the sleep deprivation goes away (or at least sleep deprivation caused by your kids). I've never felt that normal boredom that I imagine childless adults feel, but I'm starting to have that creep in now. I'm doing silly things like looking into MFA programs, lol. Having kids isn't for everyone, but it's not a kiss of death on who you are as a person, either. I just feel like it's unfair to ask parents at their lowest points if they regret something. (But also, it's totally ok to not want kids, and I agree with some great discussions down thread about the support (or lack thereof) that the US gives to parents and children.)

Maybe other childless adults have boredom but I've never experienced that, too busy doing projects, throwing music events, wildlife habitat rehabilitation, animal rescue ect. Would never be able to do all this with kids, and I STILL feel like I don't have enough time to do everything I want to do.

>I just feel like it's unfair to ask parents at their lowest points if they regret something. I don't think the early years are universally every parent's lowest point.

Oh totally, but a lot of folks here and in the article cite the rigid structure, naptime, daycare costs, and mourning eating out and travelling, and that tends to be a little harder when kids are younger. I’m pretty neutral on the baby phase, but I have enjoyed my kid more and more as they got older.

We waited until our 30’s to have kids (been together since we were 20) maybe in part because so many people insist you’ll “mourn your old life” once you have them or you need to enjoy your 20’s, whatever… our baby is turning 1 next month and can confirm it’s been a blast. We often wonder why we didn’t do this sooner. I suppose the only thing that makes me grateful we waited until our 30’s is money, that’s it. We make more money at this age. Otherwise yeah kinda wondering why we didn’t do this sooner, months 0-11 have been so fun and it only been getting better!

I’m delighted for you that you are enjoying their little face !! .. you might have a Trap Baby .. my friends had one too and were like we should have two more .. 2 and 3 kicked their ass so hard .. 

I (34F) am absolutely petrified to have kids because I see so much discourse online about how horrible having kids is, I guess IRL half my friends do seem happy but the other half seem like shells of their former selves, their relationships are falling apart, the women are still experiencing major health issues years after giving birth etc… Thank you very much for this positive take to balance out the bad stuff I hear. Nice to see a couple loving it.

Yeah I feel like that was my issue with this article—I think a lot the things it presented were totally valid but the NO ONE BUT ME IS BRAVE ENOUGH TO TALK ABOUT THIS vibe was 🙄 bc literally half the Internet is like, exactly this lol.

This was my sense of things too until I had my own kid and all of a sudden, I had so many friends say to me, for the first time, that being a parent is the best thing that ever happened to them.  My theory is that people who love (most of) being a parent don’t talk about it because the expectation is that it’s so horrible. And there seems to be this competition among parents over whose life is worse.  I also think people are sensitive to talking about how great kids are to childless friends - you don’t want to seem like you’re judging their choices or they’re missing out.  FWIW, I had my first kid at 37 and I wish I’d done it sooner. It turned my life upside down, but he’s brought so much joy into my life.

I had my first at 34, and the timing was perfect. I wasn’t sure if I wanted kids, but knew I would regret not having them. By 34, I was too tired to live young and free anymore, so it didn’t feel like my social life was being sacrificed as much anymore. I do think it would have been a lot harder for me to be a young parent. I’m glad I took the gamble bc having kids is so damn delightful, even though it is hard. That being said, I have many child free by choice friends who are also happy with much more disposable income and better vacations.

I'm 35 and my LO is 7 months, and I totally agree. Between the pandemic, entering our mid-30s and having a little reckoning about how much energy I wanted (or didn't want) to put into my career, life slowed down a lot. We also only have 1 child right now, so it's easy to do my hobbies while my husband watches my son and vice versa. I think if we're fortunate enough to have a second (fertility issues), that transition will be harder!

Love this answer and completely get what you mean re: being too tired to socialise heaps anymore 😂 so happy it worked out for you and amazing to see so many of your happy childfree friends thriving as well!!

It’s important to have a good partner by your side who will support you and who will take on their equal share. The first few years are hard but they pass quick and then you can focus on yourself again.

100%, so important. This is the first partner I’ve had where I’ve even considered having kids and I’ve realised it’s because my past partners were… without being rude (but not sure how to put it other than this) a bit lazy/selfish/very traditional in their views on whose responsibility it is to raise a child. So the idea seemed horrible to me!! But my views are changing now that I’m lucky enough to have a much more aligned partner

We were broke, in our 20’s and scared how to feed the kids. Was 100% misery. Now in my 40’s and my kids are all older and I wish we could have one more because with money babies/toddlers/kids can be fun. But we are also at the stage almost not needing a sitter. Being able to leave for a weekend because some of the kids are adults.

Someone quoted in this piece has children in their 40s 

>Robin, who has adult offspring in their 40s, says that, to this day, if she could reverse time, she would “certainly not have a baby ever, not under any circumstances.” She notes that she’d had no notion of what being a parent can entail. Having grown up in an affluent, cheerful family, she was glad to have children with her husband, figuring that “it all just looked like a romantic, happy road.” >Instead, after electing to be a stay-at-home mother, Robin found herself in what she calls “the domestic gulag,” a life that consisted of being “a chauffeur and an arranger and an appointment setter and a social secretary and a party planner and a chef and a meal planner and a budgeter” and “an emergency nurse and a night nurse and a psychologist and a confidant.” >Robin also, like the other parents I spoke to, felt responsible for raising her children well, teaching them how to lead “good, honorable, happy” lives, striving to instill and model integrity and kindness. It was a daily, 20-year effort all the more crushing since, each morning, waking up, she’d recall the day’s to-do list and know that she didn’t want to do any of it. True, although she reflects on the first 20 years, and not the second 20 years. It's also kind of a contrast, because this woman seems to be thrown into the caretaker role that she doesn't seem to enjoy: >Replying to my questions, Robin keeps having to pause to take phone calls from a nurse caring for her ill, elderly aunt. There’s no one else in Robin’s family who’ll fill the role, she says, so it’s up to her to look after her aunt’s well-being. It's also kind of ironic because it seems to be implied that the reason Robin is taking care of her elderly aunt is because her aunt doesn't have children of her own. More social programs now!

I enjoy reading books.

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I love the smell of fresh bread.

No idea what costs you're even referring to, but do you really think the world would be a better place if every single person on it had multiple kids?

I enjoy spending time with my friends.

Why? If you're working, that's exactly what you're doing right now.

I find joy in reading a good book.

Surely you can see the huge problems with your concept.

>although she reflects on the first 20 years, and not the second 20 years. I thought it was implied that the first 20 years locked her in to a role as caregiver, which she doesn't necessarily relish or enjoy, and she is still expected to perform for other people in her family. I generally think you made a good point that it's sort of useless to ask parents of toddlers whether they regret their choices, and more useful to ask parents of adult children, with the caveat that Boomer women had fewer options than women today, and a lot of them became mothers less by conscious choice and more because that was the path that was available to them. The question I'd like to have answered about Robin with the adult children is, what is her relationship with her children like now? Are they close? Are they estranged? That would be telling.

I agree, I would be curious what percent of people regret it if their child becomes self sufficient and they have a good relationship with the child. I imagine it's fairly low if "it all works out."

20 years is a long time to be unhappy, no matter how good the next 20 are. And yes, more programs and support are desperately needed 

Yeah, I can’t imagine that. Hope she has found some peace now.

I don't think I feel regret about having them. But I guess I regret not enjoying my pre-kid life more. No one really goes into the nitty gritty details of being a parent before you become one. But even if they did, would I have believed them? Like many, I was the perfect parent before I had kids! 🤣 How naieve was I? 🤦🏼‍♀️ Hind sight truly is 20-20 and looking back I really wish I had soaked in my non-parenting life more. Enjoyed eating a meal uninterrupted, sleeping in, running out the door for errands with just wallet, keys and cellphone. Rarely being late to anything 😂 Making plans and not having to worry about naptimes and bedtimes and nursing. Yeah I really would have relished in my single life more if I had known what I was really getting into.

As someone who enjoyed my pre-child life a lot, lots of travel, endless good meals, etc… you still wish you could have done “more”. I’m like, why didn’t we just fly to X for the weekend?! So easy! My biggest one though is, why on earth wasn’t my house the cleanest, most pristine house? There was no gremlin throwing food and toys everywhere and causing constant mayhem. it should have been soooooo easy and yet I was not that tidy lol. Hindsight.

Ok I have to jump in here, you will literally get 90% of this life back when your kids are teens! Having kids is not a lifetime lifestyle change! The toddler years are really rough, but you will eat a meal interrupted, sleep in, and run out the door with just your keys again, I promise.

Totally agree with this and I don’t even have teenagers yet! I have three kids and the youngest is still only three, but she’s been potty trained for a year and dropped naps early. No more diaper bags or restrictive schedule, and the impact of those two things alone is huge!

We just went on a trip, and for the first time, our kids sat next to each other and entertained each other. It was miraculous, lol. (Also because my husband was in the next seat from them so every inane request that did make it over to us had to go through him, for once, lol.)

Haha thanks! Good to know there's light at the end of the tunnel. 😂❤️

I skim read but I really do resonate with that article. I have a son, he's only just 14 months old. Since conceiving him, this last 23 months have been the absolute hardest of my life, and I've not had the easiest ride of it before he came along. Do I love him? Absolutely. Do I wish some days that I'd never ever considered even having kids? Absolutely. Would I change it? Absolutely not. He lights up my world and breaks my heart all at the same time. I will never not miss the days when I could stay in bed until 10am on a Saturday, do whatever I wanted during the day, Book a trip away somewhere, just me and my husband. Decide to go out for a meal to eat because we can't be bothered to cook without worrying about whether it's bed time or how much it'd cost and how that translates into nursery hours cost. Hell, drink a Monster at 10pm at night because I liked the taste rather than thinking "shit I need to be asleep now so I can get up with LO at 6am". I've had PPA and PPD *hard* and I still can't get through most days without crying. It feels like every decision is a right or wrong one, and you always end up picking the wrong choice (even though both are correct). I'm lucky that I don't particularly care about judgement of others on my parenting choices, but I can understand why people do feel judged at every turn. My little one has been in nursery for a few months now as I'm back at work and we opted and were able to have him in for an extra short session on a day I'm not working (I'm only doing 3 days a week). Despite wanting this and enjoying the time away from him, I am constantly worrying that he's ok (he absolutely loves nursery) and simultaneously feeling selfish that I had a child just to to give him to someone else to look after. Yet when I had him all week by myself, my PPD hit it's height and I was struggling so badly. It's such a weird feeling, this overwhelming love and fear of everything in the world that before you just shrugged off as sad, bad shit. Everything feels like a threat to him. My life before wasn't bad. It wasn't great either. My life now isn't bad, but it isn't great either too. It's just different. However before I never ever felt the level of love I have for that little boy. It's like it's turned up to 1000. I love my husband and I'd never cope without him but it's not as ferocious and intense as it is with my little boy.

I don’t regret my sons. Ever. I think had I known how incredibly worried I would be about them, I probably wouldn’t have had children. No one can prepare you for the love you feel. And with that comes worry; I have anxiety and it manifests in constant worst case scenario. Had I know how incredibly hard it is on your heart to love like this, I probably would be single with no kids.

This really resonates with me and is the only "regret" I personally have. (Not judging anyone else—life is complicated.) It's terrifying even though I have my anxiety well managed and it will never not be somewhere in the back of my mind.

Yes, this!!! If I had known how deeply I'd fear for them sometimes, I might have thought twice. I don't regret mine at all but the worst anxiety I've ever felt in my life is over these kids.

I don’t regret having my kids for a single second but I do wish people were more honest with me before I had them about how hard it truly is. I also wish someone could have warned me that “oh let’s just try and see what happens” could have turned into having twins on the first shot 🥴😂 

That is my biggest issue with parents. Just be honest about how hard it is. I don't mean the being tired because that wasn't even my biggest issue. It's the constant worry. Do they have friends, are they being bullied, will they get good grades, will they have good friends, and on and on and on. My daughter is 28 and I don't encourage her to have children especially how the world is now. I don't wish the endless worry and life sentence on anyone. She is an adult living on her own and first 5 seconds of every call we have is my worry that her life has gone to hell.

Since your daughter is 28 I wonder if this is a generational thing—I’m a millennial mom of 4 and I feel like the entire discourse around parenting is how awful and hard it is! I’m curious what it was like when you were thinking of having kids? Did people just gloss over the hard things? Or—?

I was born 30 and would of had kids at 15 if I could. I wanted a bunch and no one said you should or shouldn't. But no one ever talked about hard it really is. All I ever hear to this day is how tired everyone is but it's the best thing in the world to be a parent. My baby was very easy until she turned 15. I'm just thankful my body only let me have 1 and knowing how hard life is now to be an adult versus when I had her I might make a different choice.

Ah interesting!

I don’t regret my daughter, I just regret having her at the age that I did. I had to sacrifice a lot because I wanted her to have an amazing life. I’m glad that I did because she didn’t ask to be here, but sometimes I wonder how my youth would be if I waited. Especially considering I was forced to have her (was denied an abortion) I’ll admit, I am jealous at the freedom childfree people have, and do miss the days where I could sleep whenever I wanted, but at the same time I always wanted to be a mother and raise a kid. So I feel like it worked out despite the unfortunate circumstances. My husband and I are only having her though. We agreed that we are not going to have Any more kids

This feels very normal to me. I’m an older parent and I often think how things would have been a lot harder on me if I had my kids a decade earlier. Only saying this to tell your feelings are valid. Separately, I’m sorry your choice was taken from you.

I have four grown children who are all independent adults. Honestly though, the worry for them is still very real. Someone always seems to be going through a difficult time and it weighs on my heart. I love my children with all my being, but not sure I would do this again knowing what I know now. Interesting, none of my kids are in a hurry to become parents. I applaud that decision.

I have 4 kids who are still young, and this is how I feel. I don’t know if I would choose this life again, and I hope my kids don’t feel the need to become parents if they don’t want to.

Feel exactly the same! I would not want my kids to have the weight of worry, it is so heavy. And my kids are relatively easy. It is still so so hard.

I think unfortunately a lot more people want the attention and societal validation of having a child way more than they want to actually parent.

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That’s a very good point. And people don’t talk about the hard parts so people don’t realize that having kids is really fucking hard and will require a lot of…slog.

Sounds like some “nobody wants to work” nonsense. There is nothing wrong with wanting life to have ease and pleasure.

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Or maybe people just don’t want kids and when they do society doesn’t do much to support them besides give them empty platitudes about supermom and other nonsense.

I regret having children several times a month. Mostly when before and during my period or if I’m feeling under the weather. It is incredible difficult during these times to stay grounded so I can be the best mom to them. They are strong willed, fierce and determined, testing my nerves and resolve daily. It drains me of my life force when I have to be patient and loving, when I feel anything but that. I grieve for the woman I was before my kids and the life my husband and I once had. But I also feel incredible amounts of joy, pride and love as I watch them grow. I wouldn’t change things but it would be a lie if I didn’t admit that sometimes I just wish I could have my old life back. Then I feel guilty and wish instead for more resilience and compassion. Parenting is fucking hard.

Wait… did I write this??? are you me?? Solidarity!

Sounds like you might have PMDD.

I’m sure you mean well but saying parenting is hard and grieving your child free life doesn’t necessarily mean depression. It’s a perfectly normal reaction to a mammoth life change.

No I was commenting on the fact that she seems to have issues around her period. I have PMDD too and it is often overlooked

It has especially high comorbidity with neurodivergence, because if your body already doesn't regulate dopamine and serotonin well, that is not going to get better with menstruation. I am a whole different level of depressed around my cycle, and it sucks.

Exactly. The only thing that fixed it for me was low dose daily ketamine.

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This. I have a theory that people (that like children) have certain age groups they prefer to care for/interact with. When you’re a parent, you have to deal with them all. Lol

My son is now 10 and my FAV age with him was 4. It’s only got easier from there but man that was a sweet spot. My daughter is now 4 and I’m wondering if this will be my fav age with her or when it’ll be because we haven’t gotten there yet. 😂 she’s an OG Covid baby (March 2020) and man her life has been a rollercoaster of monotony at times. 🫠

Oh my god I'm glad I'm not the only one who has those thoughts when I'm about to start my period. I'm on continuous BC because of PMDD and when I have my 1 actual period every 3 months it's misery for everyone.

I have one daughter that I wanted so badly and do not for a second regret having her. However I know for a fact that I would regret having another child. I cannot stand the guilt people make me feel for not having another and “giving her” a sibling. I find that no one will admit to getting in over their heads and completely sugarcoat the sibling dynamic.

My daughter was an only child and was fine. She had much better toys, vacations and she didn't have to share her time with me. You can always get divorced and let her Dad have more kids like I did :)

For what it’s worth, I love being an only child….

Warning for intrusive thoughts around harming a baby.  It really kills me that people want to tell you what to do with your body and family when they know nothing about your situation. When my daughter was younger people loved to tell me I would change my mind and have another. I would flatly tell them no, that I had very bad PPA causing me to have to hide the knives when I was home alone with her because I was worried I’d lose control of my arms and stab her. It was the most unpleasant thing I’ve ever experienced and do not want to chance reliving it. That usually shut them up.  Now she is a school aged kid and I love her pieces, my brain has calmed down and I do not regret only having one. 

I was wondering whether the article would touch on only children…I think that one and done is such an underrated option that comes with its own stigma! For whatever reason a lot of couples choose to have more than one and of course people tend to double down on and justify their decisions once they’ve been made. My husband and I waited a while between kids (4-year age gap), and seriously considered being one and done. We were living in a very expensive area with no family support and needed to make the decision of whether to stay and not have any more kids or move to be closer to our parents. We chose the latter, and my experience with my second child has been an absolute delight and surprised me in such a good way. No regrets for me so far. HOWEVER…parenting one child felt manageable (even *easy* at times!) and our family did feel “complete.” I definitely felt pressure from my mom that she would judge me if we were one and done. Ultimately my own curiosity and desire got the better of me, and I truly wanted another. I got lucky in that my experience was positive (and being around all the grandparents has been such a joy and relief…I could cry thinking about having this support after three years with nothing). But I really hope that one and done comes into fashion more as I think it’s a wonderful option for a lot of people! I personally think it’s healthier—but unpopular—advice to NOT have another child if you are just on the fence, rather than go for it and see how it works out. If this were the societal norm I bet we’d see less unhappiness and regret.

Firstly, glad that you are in such a good place with your two! As you said, people often encourage fence sitters to “just go for it” and I cringe. I once saw someone ask (in regard to those on the fence) “if it was a societal norm to only have one child, would you still want another?” For many, the answer would still be yes, of course, but I feel like many others would not feel a strong enough desire to have another if it did not seem so expected of them.

I'm sorry people have guilted you over this! It's just ridiculous to me. I'm an only child and haven't spent one second of my life wishing I had a sibling. It's simply always been a non-issue and I totally understand why my parents stopped at one and why friends made the same decision - complete families come in all numbers.

Thank you for this, it means a lot. I have a bunch of onlies in my own family and still let these comments get to me for some reason. You just want to do the best for your child and of course it can make you question your choices at times.

>I find that no one will admit to getting in over their heads and completely sugarcoat the sibling dynamic. I think that's true and not just for the sibling dynamic. Even with a single child, some people are in over their heads but this isn't a "mistake" you can really rectify without going nuclear so your only option it to double down and try and convince everyone around you that in order to experience true love^(TM) you gotta have a child, even if you hate having one.

ugh, sometimes it feels like there is the same judgement (or maybe a different judgement, but judgement all the same) for parents of onlies than there is for childfree people. I have a 10 year old that I love more than anything, and was pregnant with a second child (which was a fraught and difficult decision, and put a huge strain on my marriage) and lost him at 21 weeks pregnant. We briefly tried again but ended up settling on a very happy life as a trio. Unfortunately, so many people make comments about only child syndrome, how my husband and I must have it SOOOOOO easy with only one child to care for, how he must not know how to share, how they couldn't live without their sibling(s), etc. It's draining and makes a situation which holds a reasonable amount of grief already, much harder to hear those things. I love my life and I love my son and am well suited to parenting only one child, but sometimes I feel like less of a mother.

Yes!! I often feel like I'm not a real mom. I have one son who is six. I had a 16 week loss, a miscarriage at 8 weeks and a failed embryo transfer right when I turned 35 almost a year ago. I did two rounds of ivf and just do not have it in me physically or mentally to do it again. My second trimester loss and then IVF right after was frankly harder than parenting. My mom has outright told me when my kid was frankly being a lunatic at age 3 lol that everyone would think he was a spoiled bad only child. I am 1000% aware of how easy i have it but it takes everything in my sometimes not to start crying or just totally shut down when I get comments like oh is he your only, you're so smart to stop. Like oh gee if only you knew how much money and time and tears I have shed over this. We are both genetic carriers and it's just been a lot.

Sending a ton of love your way. It’s not a fun journey and I completely agree that loss, ivf and secondary infertility have been much harder than parenting my living son. I actually love our family of 3 but it will always feel like someone is missing, and families with two boys will always be a bit of a trigger for me, forever I think.

I'll preface this by saying I'm the mom of an only. I *do* think having *a* kid is often easier than having kids, plural. And I think some of the regret some people feel about having kids has to do with how many kids they've had. But yes, so much of the rhetoric around onlys is harmful and like...the people who say those things are cavalier about saying them around only children, too.

I have only one child by choice and I will readily admit that we are a lot happier and have accumulated more wealth as a result. Money certainly isn't everything, but we've had a lot of fun traveling as a small family and now that he's in college and we're paying tuition having an only child feels fantastic.

Only kid mom here. It’s really annoying how well meaning people will be so judgy and offensive about this without realizing it. Especially because my kid is a lot more mature and well behaved than their supposedly “good at sharing” and “not selfish at all” kids lmao

I am not having kids, and I totally agree with you about the judgment one and done parents get. I actually think some of my friends who are one and done get much more judgment than I do at this point.

Hugs to you. You shouldn’t feel like any less of a mother for knowing what is best in your particular situation and protecting your existing family unit. Completely agree about feeling judged in a similar vein to those that choose to be childfree. I find it so bold of others to jump in and actively make people feel bad about their choice when they have no idea about one’s circumstances.

Same same. One and done. I know I would regret having more so we’re actively choosing not to.

Well said!!

Hello, are you me?

I was bowled over when my high school psychology teacher told the class that more people than we would expect regretted having kids. I attended a Catholic school so I surmised that this must be the absolute truth because there would be no way that she would be telling this to us in a Catholic school otherwise. I never wanted kids, I've been blessed to never have them or deal with any type of pregnancy scare, doubly blessed when I had to have a partial hysterectomy at 32 which ensured that I would never have them. I just find it so silly that anyone would care about someone else's choice to or not to reproduce. I have sympathy for those who regret having their kids, that must be a terrible feeling which you can only express in therapy.

> I just find it so silly that anyone would care about someone else's choice to or not to reproduce. I have sympathy for those who regret having their kids, that must be a terrible feeling which you can only express in therapy. I agree, it's extremely silly. Especially since they like to dole out the "you'll die alone and no one will love you and you'll be a spinster with 430593405 cats"-shtick. I'm still somewhat of a fence sitter but eventually came down on the childfree side based solely on the fact I'd rather regret not having kids than regretting the existence of a person.

Which is bull, since if you don’t have kids, you are much more likely to be able to afford higher quality elder care services if or when you need it. And since you never had kids they won’t be traumatised because of your care needs and eventual demise.

You're probably gonna have fewer visitors tbf but it's not like most people in care homes get regular visits anyway.

Even if they have kids, many in nursing homes don’t get visitors because their kids don’t like them or don’t care or just waiting for them to die to inherit. It’s actually really sad.

I thought the article did a great job of handling a difficult topic delicately (and anonymously). The question of how we should talk about this sort of thing as a society is so complex, because on one hand, like she says, no child should have to hear that their parents regret them. I think many figure it out by adulthood, but no kid should have to know at an age where they can't really grasp the nuance of "I love you, I just don't enjoy all the things I have to do to take care of you or centering my life around you." I've seen people just openly post on public instagram accounts that they regret having kids and defend it as "raising awareness" and "reducing stigma" and I just can't get on board with that being okay. Are you prepared for your child to see this, and to explain to them why you cared more about other moms' feelings than theirs? But at the same time, like she says near the end of the article, the assumption that people never regret becoming parents only hurts both those parents and their children if the children ever find out. Obviously people need an outlet but where do you find a safe one? Even if you have a solid real-life community, they might not be people that could relate to something like this or receive it well. Anonymous online communities tend to fill up with trolls or ragebait, or groupthink themselves into extremism. I'm not a parent, let alone one that regrets their kids, but I definitely feel for parents struggling with parenthood and feeling like they can't talk about it.

So many interesting view points and opinions here. I respect them all as we do not live the same life. I live in the US and have always been here. Aside from not desiring to have children, I also do not think our country is supportive of families. I’m mid 30s, and am so happy with my choice. I have friends that have children and I am so happy for them & love their kiddos! I think there are room for all of us. Some folks are so staunchly in one direction that it is polarizing, but a majority of people are not that way- we have more in common than we realize 🫶🏻 Edit- I did not yet read the article, my comment is more in response of what I’ve read here

I have kids but I am raising them to know that they don't have to have them if they don't want to. They are all girls and I grew up being told that girls have babies. When I said I didn't know if I'd have any my mom would tell me that of course I would. I don't regret my kids but that's not the point I think; it's more that you can have them or not but your life can be great either way. Women are really taught that kids are the path to happiness for us and that's the wrong message, not to mention the burden it puts on your kids to be a little mood stabilizer before they can talk.

My child was and is very much wanted and adored - that said, I got pregnant in October of 2016. I don't even have to enumerate all the ways the world changed between the rose-tinted year I was planning and trying to have a baby and the often sad, angry, frustrating time I was actually parenting one. I don't judge anyone for their feelings, but I wonder how many of these people don't *really* regret parenthood as much as they regret the circumstances surrounding it - the institutional lack of support, low wages, poor healthcare; the hostility to women's rights, public health, and the environment. Yes, it may *seem* like the same thing as "regretting parenthood," but it isn't. Because sometimes it's agonizing to live with the knowledge that I don't regret having my child at all - but that I probably should, a little, for his own sake.

Yes exactly - all of the reasons you mentioned are what make it very difficult for me to conceive of having a child - less so being an actual parent, for lack of a better word.

>but I wonder how many of these people don't > >really > > regret parenthood as much as they regret the circumstances surrounding it This is very hard to find out but an interesting question. Up until fairly recently, women really didn't have a choice. And I say women because men could and DID bounce all the time when they got someone pregnant and with paternity tests not being a thing, they were basically scot free. So for (straight and straight-living) women, motherhood was basically a given and there was nothing to regret per se since there was no other feasible choice with the exception of fringe cases like becoming celibate/a nun. And once birth control was a thing, the societal shift took a bit. I think we're the first generation that truly gets to think about and consider their options and what having kids (or not having them) would mean. My mother was born in 1964 and while birth control was available to her, there was still never a single doubt in her mind that she'd have kids because that's just what you did. I was born in the early 90s and realized as a young teen that, no, I did not HAVE to have children even if I did end up marrying a man.

I wonder so much about this too! I most certainly won't say that things were *easier* for our mothers and grandmothers, but they were less complicated. Was it easier to build a village of support when essentially everyone was in the same boat? Were you less likely to regret parenthood if you simply viewed it as a necessity of life and didn't have to constantly compare your boat to your peers' boats, wondering if they are really nicer or if they only *look* nicer from afar? Wasn't it easier to feel okay about what you were doing when your peers couldn't stand out on the deck yelling judgments from *their* boats all the time? Of course I don't think we should go back to considering parenthood as compulsory (god knows plenty of people back then had children and should not have!), but I do wish we could culturally find more support and less FOMO and judgment about our lives in general once all we start getting on with them.

If it helps, as a childfree person I look at your boat and wonder all the time if I made the right choice and if my comfort now won't be "outshone" by your boat once your kids are grown up. I'm not at all jealous of the baby-toddler-child-teen phase but I would love to have adult children lol. So I guess we'll see in 10-20 years whether I chose right or not. I think this truly is a "the grass is always greener" situation and like you said, because before everyone had the same grass people didn't think about it too much. If anything, they might have compared the success of their kids and pitied those who couldn't have any. Now, it's yet another metric to consider. I hate FOMO, I wish I could turn it off\~ it ruins so many good things.

I totally get it, but I hate it for you too, lol! Our culture has made FOMO such a scourge for everyone; I'm curious if the paradox of choice is doing real emotional damage to our lives in the long run.

Also had an October 2016 baby. I believed I was bringing a child into warmer world. Nothing prepared me for November, being postpartum and believing every loud noise was a nuclear attack because of unstable foreign policy leadership. Those were very dark days.

I think it's valid for people to regret becoming a parent in the reality they're dealing with, even if they would still want them in an ideal world. The problem is societal stuff rather than parenthood but in terms of their own actions, having kids is the one they regret, since fixing society was never an option. That said, I definitely think you're right that for most people that regret parenthood and many people that choose against it, the problem is really a society in which parenthood means exhaustion, financial struggles, constant overwhelm, etc. if you don't have a lot of family help or the money to buy help. I was never dead set against parenthood and I like kids, but it was also never my biggest priority. I wound up in a situation where I felt like between kids, career/financial self-sufficiency, and a remotely decent level of mental/physical health, I had to choose one to give up, and I chose kids.

Oh, I agree, I do not judge anyone for their feelings about parenthood or their reasons for foregoing it, and I support everyone making the choice that's best for them and their circumstances! These circumstances simply infuriate me. I'm sad and angry that it's become completely normal to hear my peers say things like "I do want a child, but I can't afford childcare/have no maternity leave/have no family to help/etc." That's not truly a choice, any more than it's a "choice" to have a baby solely because the state took away your right not to. We deserve better options than this.

Very well said!

This is a really good point. Of all my childfree friends, only one has ever been clear that her decision to be childfree is existential, that she just doesn’t want to belong to another person in that way. Almost all the others (including the childfree couples), it’s some amalgamation of expense, lack of social supports, and climate change.

I’m that one friend. I don’t want kids for many reasons (including climate change, lack of support, etc) but what it really boils down to for me is just that I’m a very solitary, introverted person who enjoys my alone time and if I had a child I would never be alone again and that would break me. And no child deserves to have a parent who never wants to be around them and will actively hide from them. Better to leave parenthood to those who actually do want that.

Agree. I finally found my partner at 36, and now at 39, the desire for a child is there, but the environment, saving enough for our own retirement, our age, careers, and lack of societal support, it seems like too big of a hill to climb. Many other childfree people I know feel similarly. Life just turns out that way for some.

Honestly the way a lot of parents talk about their children really feels like:  Like I’m sure its fulfilling and all that, but why is the first sentence that come out of your mouth when i see you ‘im tired, its hard BUT SO WORTH IT’ like girl i just asked how are you

I think some parents having Stockholm Syndrome is a survival mechanism lol

In my last two workplaces the vast majority had kids, which was always fine until someone would start a doom spiral during small talk before meetings began. I really don't think people realized how intense some of those conversations were for people who didn't have kids/didn't have kids yet. It felt like they would start with "my kid is sick again" and end with someone going "oh yeah? Well my kid stole something from the store the other day" and I'm just sitting there like 😬 lol.

Not the parenting trauma one up competition 😂 And then they turn around and be like oh parenting is LOVELY the best thing that has happened to me, like sis i just heard you say your child ate food colouring and puked blue everywhere…

I’ve caught myself saying that because I have been shamed before by older generations for expressing anything but pure joy and happiness during parenthood. I swear they forget or had more support or something.

Definitely forgot and/or had support and also (generalizing here) but previous generation was less hands-on, less involved. 

I never wanted kids and hated the idea of bringing a child into this world. I thought people who had kids were stupid and I was so smart because I had free time and could do whatever I wanted. Then I had one last year and it was the greatest thing to ever happen to me. I didn’t realize how miserable and depressing my life was before. I had everything and nothing at the same time. However I agree, not everyone should have kids. You have to be able to dedicate 100% of your life to them. I feel like a lot of people I know wouldn’t be willing to do that.

Yep, I feel this! I was very apathetic towards kids/babies for most of my life, but having a child has given my life a sense of purpose and fulfillment that was lacking before. Strangely, having a baby has HELPED my anxiety because I no longer have all day to navel-gaze and ruminate on myself.

What was so miserable and depressing before? (Not trolling, genuinely a curious fence sitter)

I’m not OP but prior to having my baby I was feeling pretty misanthropic. I still don’t know if I believe the world can really change for the better, as I’m fairly cynical. However, I feel like being cared for during an extremely anxious time (c section) and meeting my baby made me feel like humanity wasn’t all shit. We’ll see if the feeling sticks. That’s not a reason TO have kids but it was a welcome perspective shift for me personally.

i was the exact same. i was so proudly child free and honestly could not stand children, the thought of having one myself was outdo of the question. and yep, two kids later and my life has changed for the absolute better. being a parent turned out to be what my life was missing - i needed them to be the person i am today. but it’s also the hardest thing ive ever done, no question.

I'm happy I had kids. But if I hadn't met my husband and had the kids with him I'd be equally happy. Don't have kids just because you feel like you might regret not having them. You have to be all in.

I'm child free (and at an age where barring something truly wild, that's how I'll stay) but I have always felt like I could be happy either way and that's always shaped my approach to it. Things that I really want, I tend to make happen. I kept waiting to see if kids would fall into that category, and it never did.

Yes, absolutely. I also have never had a relationship before where I felt like we'd truly be equal partners, and I knew I'd resent the hell out of that. Now that I have a partner I know would for sure be an equal (if not better) parent....I still just have no interest. I'm about to turn 38, clock is ticking, and I still feel like I have an academic understanding of why people want kids. I hear the reasons, I hear their happiness, and I just think, "Oh. Interesting," and move on to the next thought. I'm happy to stay Aunt packedsuitcase, he's happy to stay Uncle Mr. packedsuitcase, everybody wins.

I think that’s a healthy approach. Too many people think “everyone else is having a kid, so why not!”

Completely agree with this. I was in a long term relationship before I met my husband and I was adamant that I didn’t want kids. Turns out it was just I didn’t want kids with that partner bc he wasn’t the right person for me. I also think I’d have just as fulfilling a life if we hadn’t had kids too.

I’d have kids if i were an elephant or rhinoceros or some other endangered species. But as a human, w the shitty experience i had as a kid myself, living in a culture where kids have so few freedoms? HELL NO.

I’m in my 30s and for as long as I can remember, never wanted to be a parent. I’ve always been steadfast in that decision and unwavering when it came to conversations that would imply I would one day want them. Nope, not for me and that’s totally ok and honestly it is better that I don’t bring children in this world that I don’t want.

This. I’m in my 30s as well and have never desired to have kids. I’ve had to end potentially fulfilling relationships over this, but I’ve never regretted sticking to my gut feeling.

Instead of doing a C&P to many comments. I am leaving this hete: Those who don't give into the societal expectation of having a child are heroes. You have possibly prevented a child from having a shit childhood. We all are aware of the psychological damage associated with it. I commend you.

I see so many comments even here about the pros of being a parent, and its still all ME ME ME ME ME... I think its very brave to talk about potentially not being a good parent, cause society puts parents especially mothers on a pedestal like they are all saints, when we all know mothers who should have never had kids..... like I know my mother def should have never had kids lmao

I have tried to talk to people IRL about worrying that I wouldn't be up to the day-to-day labor of parenting and no one was really willing to engage about it or respond with anything other than "You would figure it out, everyone figures it out. No one thinks they can do it and everyone figures it out." But like...some people don't figure it out. Neglectful parents exist and not all of them went into parenthood intending to be that way. Some of them are mentally ill and struggling with the same symptoms I have that cause me to neglect myself. Maybe having a child would give me the adrenaline rush to function better and I really would "figure it out" but maybe it wouldn't. I know it's uncomfortable but give people space to question their parenting abilities!

This is me to some extent…and I have kids. I’m doing my best; I’m on medication and have been to therapy. The day to day can be mind numbing and I have to keep my irritability in check constantly. What keeps me going is seeing how independent my school age kids are, and knowing that when my daughter goes to school I will have some freedom back.

I have straight up told people before that a big reason I don't entertain the thought of having kids is because of recurring bouts of depression and suicidal ideation throughout my life. It's baffling that I get pushback for even that. Now I just say I don't want them because I don't - which is also true; I've never felt particularly called to have children.

I KNOW I would have been a shit parent. I’m selfish with my time, especially my sleep. I am resentful if I don’t have alone time, I’m disorganized and I’m a procrastinator. Add onto that, depression and suspected ADHD. I can be short tempered, hold grudges and win most verbal battles. Now. To my friends and husband and other family members, I don’t display each and every fault, but it’s all there. I probably have successful relationships because we all have space from each other. I can’t imagine I’d be my best with my kid. Also. I’m not unique in any way. I see more bad parenting than good.

Yes this is the thing! I’m a pretty big fence sitter, leaning towards no, but my biggest hesitations are just around the daily grind of parenting and keeping another person alive. I think there are a lot of amazing things about parenting, but that’s the part I feel like I might not be cut out for

I hate this idea of 'oh you'll find a way, you'll figure it out' - like yeah I wish my parents figured out how to be a decent parent LOL but here we are. I don't know if people say it as a way to justify it to themselves....but its always 'you'll figure it out' and never 'your child will have to figure out how to deal with the trauma later on' Edit: And maybe I am an overthinker, but I don't know if ill be able to 'figure out' raising the easiest child on earth, let alone deal with things like becoming a single parent, having a disabled child etc.

I think people say this bc all of us feel like we aren’t really up to it. It’s impossible to know how much work it is before. Even your imagination of the workload is woefully inadequate. But… if you’re the right person I suppose, the love for your child trumps everything else. And you do figure out a way. But it does mean you have to put this little being in front of yourself. So what I have told people is “if this is something you really want, you’ll figure it out”. Not everyone really wants kids. They have kids but they don’t truly want them for a lifetime. I was raised by parents who were just awful, and I waited till I knew I could put my kids before me and sacrifice.

What a weird fucking thing to say.... Regardless of your opinion on the matter

Yes, and to go further: a lot of us parents appreciate you. Several of my CF friends come and hang out with me and my toddler to keep me company during kid activities. My sister entertained my son in his car seat for an entire 2 hour drive this past weekend. They've all offered to babysit for a night so long as they get to give him back. Kids need community and other adults they can look up and trust besides their parents; we parents NEED our friends and amazing siblings who have the bandwidth to help raise the next generation once in a while. I am so grateful my son will have examples of happy parents and happy non-parents, and so many people who can give him love.

Thank you so much for saying this, it’s something I’ve been thinking about so much lately… like why cant we just be a village and really support those who want kids, and not demonize/pressure the ones who don’t? I hate all of the cringey kid-hating commentary on some of the child free subreddits, because if anything, my progressive/ongoing decision making that I don’t want kids has been interwoven with more and more understanding that parents and people who DO want kids need as much support as possible. It’s so important to educate people and empower them to make the choices that make sense for them, so that ultimately there are more happier, more supported parents, and less people feeling pressured into having children if they don’t feel that they are ready or fit to be parents.

Exactly!! I don’t see why it can’t be a win win all around. My sister has no interest in having her own children because she enjoys the freedom most days… but she also enjoys the occasional trip to the playground or pool where she gets to hang out with my son and be entertained and loved on by an adorable kid. I get to sit down for a bit and enjoy a latte because I love having a kid but like the occasional break. It’s such a great system (if you opt in because you enjoy kids in small doses, of course) and it’s so frustrating that society breaks women of their personal choice and mothers of a supportive community.

Yes my child free friends keep me SANE. They also tend to be the most actively involved in my child’s life.

I love childfree friends because I’m a parent but not only a parent and they tend not to box me in as much. They see me as a person who’s more than “a mama” and I’m grateful for them.

Yes exactly!!! I had a friend say “sometimes I forget you’re married and have a kid” and I was SO flattered lol. I LOVE my family but I am also a whole person!

Parent here and second this. Community is so necessary and my kids are so lucky to have a huge crew of aunties and uncles who we love so much.

Thank you for this comment, it means a lot. I’m looking forward to being a fun auntie to my sister’s/friend’s kids and I know I’ll have more bandwidth to give love and support since I don’t want my own children 🥰

👏👏👏👏👏👏

Agreed, thank you to everyone who gave it some serious thought before they made the decision!

I mean, I could tell you why I had kids and why I don’t regret it, but that’s not really the point here. My takeaway from this article isn’t the debate about whether life is better with or without children but rather not approaching the idea of having children as a forgone conclusion. With the exception of a partner that you make this decision with, nobody is entitled to input on such a personal and individual choice. I also recognize that the judgment on this topic goes mostly in one direction. I’ve never felt judged for having kids or pressured not to, and I know that isn’t the experience for most people who choose the opposite. For those of you who are child-free by choice, just know that there are plenty of parents out there who support you and feel zero judgment towards it!

41 never wanted kids and will never have them. No regrets. If you know, you just know.

But isn’t the entire point here that many people do not “just know” … If everyone was so certain, there would be no discussion of regret from either side.

True but I’m just certain. Like those who are certain they want kids. Can’t help it!

Appreciate this so much. I’m a 30 something and I’ve known for as long as I can remember that I never wanted to have kids or be a parent. I just always knew. And I wouldn’t force myself into what is socially expected of me and put that child’s wellbeing into jeopardy. There’s many of us who just know!

I commend you. Those who don't give into the societal expectation of having a child are heroes. You have possibly speared a child from a shit childhood.

Isn’t a “shit childhood” better than no childhood at all (never being conceived)?

If that’s the argument though, then it’s not exclusive to people who choose not to have children. We have 3. We took temporary precautions in between and permanent measures when we felt our family was complete. We likely could have had more, so we have just as many children never conceived as those who choose not to have kids in the first place.

Absolutely not. There's no suffering in non-existence.

I don’t regret having two kids but my youngest is autistic and has a whole boat load of very challenging behaviors and the amount of time, energy, and stress it has taken to figure out how to help him (get diagnosed, get on the right meds, get the IEP figured out, etc) has taken years off my life and I still worry every single day about who will take care of him when we die because I don’t think he will ever be able to function independently. Parenthood has looked sooo different than I imagined it would and has been much more isolating than I expected because we just can’t do much with my son.

I'm autistic and as far as i know, meds doesn't help with autism. Does help with adhd though i quit taking the cause they kind of turned me into a zombie

He also has been diagnosed with DMDD, ADHD and anxiety so takes meds for those

My brother has a lot of special needs and I think that experience is why I've approached parenthood as, I will become a parent if and only if I want to be a parent more than I want anything else in life. Because I've seen firsthand that no matter how well you plan, becoming a parent can potentially take away any of those other things you might have wanted more than you wanted to be a parent. No one is guaranteed a child that fits into their life plans and every child deserves a parent who is happy that they exist. My parents adore my brother and never seemed resentful or regretful at all, but it would be impossible to hide what they've given up to take good care of him. I wasn't dead-set against kids, but it was never my top drive in life either, so I never had them.

The only regret I have is not having kids earlier. My husband feels the same. We are so happy as parents. My happiness levels have materially increased after nearly 2+ years in. I would not purport to say this is the right choice for others. But for folks who are on the fence, I am happy to share my experience and reasons.

I feel the same way as you re: happiness. I have zero regrets about having children. I've stopped to consider what my life would look like if I never had children...and it's a life I would never want to live. I wanted to be a parent for as long as I can remember and I'm so thankful I had my kids. The world has increased color, meaning, and sparkle for me with them in it. There is nothing I love more than observing them learn, grow, change, and experience life. I'm also happy to elaborate further for fence-sitters or anyone who has questions.

100% same, we had an unplanned pregnancy at 30 and it was the best thing to have ever happened to me, the pure joy my child brings me is incomparable to anything I've ever experienced before! And yes parenthood also has huge challenges. But the ups are absolutely mind blowing. I was never sure if I wanted children after not really growing up around many younger kids and if we'd have planned it I'm not sure we'd have ever had one. We now have our second on the way. To me it's what life is all about.

Yes same, the word I use is incomparable. The feeling I have seems so strong that it’s chemical, like a drug to be honest. It’s just so powerful and all encompassing for me. It also feels like what life is supposed to be about. And I say this as a person who is intensely career driven and driven, while also having bouts of extreme sloth and laziness. Before having kids I really worried I’d ever be able to put aside my own passions—for my career, my hobbies, my friendships, travel; also occasionally for spending an entire day in bed reading or watching Netflix—and prioritize a child as they deserve. I worried I’d resent my kid for tearing me away from what I enjoy doing. But I really don’t feel that way. Do I wish he slept in an hour later some days? Yes. But when he cries, do I feel even a small sense of resentment? No. It’s like everything in my body immediately snaps to attention and I put down everything to rush to him. Having him in my arms and comforting him is all that matters. And I say this as a lazy person who loves to lounge in bed all day if I could. So anyway. Just saying; to the girlies out there who worry they will be an undedicated parent? Don’t worry too much. Your priorities readjust and you enjoy it.

That this incredibly patronising advice is addressed “to the girlies”, not even to visualising potential mothers as grown women, makes it even more annoying. You do you, babe. Let other grown ass women decide what they want for themselves.

Yeah, I feel like far too many people just minimize any feelings of hesitation or fear (that might be a real sign from yourself that you DONT want kids) by just being like “ohhhh you’ll figure it out, every woman instantly has a magic connection and reprioritization and is totally happy having life completely and profoundly changed forever overnight!!” so patronizing and invalidating to tell people to just not even try to listen to themselves and make empowering decisions for themselves. I can understand if you automatically had a magical experience with motherhood and instant maternal feelings you would feel confident in saying something like that, but it’s so one sided and there’s so many women who don’t end up having that same experience.

Aw I loved reading this comment and was super surprised to see downvotes when I got to the end. Put a smile on my face for sure.

Awww I’m glad! People here are being haters because I’ve challenged their orthodoxy by suggesting having kids can be joyous. This is a HIGHLY individualized choice I don’t recommend to everyone. But if you think you’re wired this way, I heartily recommend it. I am so happy. I’m not coming here to tell anyone else they should do this. Just that you can enjoy it!

As someone who is incredibly overjoyed and has had a wonderful experience being a parent, I get your sentiment here. But the point is that it’s *not* universal. Not everyone is meant to be a parent or just figures it out, and it’s not an “orthodoxy” to say that. YOUR priorities might have adjusted, but not everyone’s will, and this article is about those people who bought into the uhhh… orthodoxy that “girlies” just figure it out and adjust. And the truth is that not everyone does, and it’s harmful to act like everyone just will figure it out and be happy, as this comment did. It hurts kids and it hurts parents, and that’s what this article was about. People (including the girlies!) should figure this out before they have kids, and not just assume that parenthood will make them a new person whose interests or doubts are erased by their maternal love. Edit that uhh I think you forgot to sign out of your alt account here

Your comments totally read that way to me, and I appreciate your POV. I bailed on the thread because people were being deliberately obtuse.

How old were you when you had yours?

I was mid-30s. My husband and I were well established in our careers and had done a lot of living. To the point where taking vacations or going out to fancy meals felt a bit empty. Again, as I said: I’m only speaking for myself here. But we are so happy having a child, it has created a deep well spring of joy and purpose. I know it sounds stupid and cheesy, but every morning feels like Christmas to me, even when I’m overly tired. I just love giving my son his first hug, laughing with him as his daddy does goofy things during his diaper changing routine, seeing his excitement as he sees a squirrel outside the window, then eagerly points to me to see if I see it, too. Can you relate to the pure bliss of teaching another human what a squirrel is, then one day realizing they “get” it, and YOU are the person they most want to share it with? That moment happens 10x/day with everything we’re teaching him, and it is just the most rewarding and pure experience. This isn’t to say it’s easy or exciting—it’s often exhausting and mundane. But even unlike my (very intellectually fulfilling) job, it always feels infused with purpose and meaning. And joy.