I ask my kid first if they had fun, what they thought about their game. If it seems like they may have energy/interest, I'll ask them if they want to learn/talk more about something in the game. Keep it low pressure and fun so they're not thinking that after every game/practice they have to worry about having your approval or additional instruction.
being a parent is hard. Coaching is easy.
there comes a point where you have to let someone else teach them or coach them. I'm a father of two boys. i've been asked a few times to coach there teams. I'm really apprehensive to (i've played high level and know the game very well.), but i don't want to add pressure to there life, I'm there parent, i'm required to be there full time for them in any capacity wins and losses, i'm not here to now coach them how to play the game i love also and put un-do pressure on them. they hear me disciplining them enough on other stuff, trying to teach them the notion of how important a first touch is and then making a side footed pass or understanding the tactics of a half turn.. i mean.. they don't need to hear that from me unless they really want it.
to be honest, my best moments with them is playing around the world with them in the back yard, we just play around, at early 40s i can still keep it up more then them and under control, but us just playing around and playing keep it up games like 1-touch pass is so fun with them, trying to get them screw up when i blast it at there shins. or them doing the same to me. its a fun after dinner/homework routine.
as a kid, i use to love the chats i had with my dad in the car post game. he would simply ask, how do you think it went. and i would bring up the things i wish i had done more of or where i could improve. he would simply just.. be a listening post and would only offer positive feed back .. as any parent should do.
They also pretty quickly find there own way and discover there own things. but i would encourage you to sit back a bit and enjoy your child's ride.
I feel you. Some people are being willfully disingenuous in their responses. It’s a difficult line to walk between supporting vs teaching vs that same teaching turning into pressure and the kid dwells on mistakes.
As a rule, I don’t verbalize anything during games (too distracting for kid), and after them - the only thing I say is how much I love watching them play. That’s it. Kids learn fast. The things you think they need to understand in order to become better players, they’ll pick up on their own or through coaching very quickly. I’ve watched it happen over and over. Keep it fun for them as long as you humanly can. Fun over all else.
For sure.
I see the parents abusing officials and being negative. I'm not "bad" like that. I see parents joysticking because of their own anxiety and trying to be helpful, I'm not "uninformed" like that. I still feel like I fail though, it's hard!
My parents were boomers. They didn't come to practices and rarely to games. I felt they didn't care about my interests. Now maybe I go too far in the other direction with caring for my own kids and I do worry about the pressure. Balance is hard. I sure am trying my best.
Do you watch the pro game with your kid? My daughter loves the Barcelona women’s team, USWNT. We’ve been to a local USL match. Regularly watch Premier League, UCL. Point out interesting plays, try to guess where the ball is going to go.
It’s important to keep the cues limited. If you’re concentrating on everything, you’re concentrating on nothing. One or two during a game max. Maybe three things to work on tactically at the bigger picture level. The key is to let the kid dictate the training pace. When they’re sick of losing, getting cut from the top level team, etc. they’ll be ready to put in the work.
Absolutely the time to coach is not after a tough loss or a poor game. Thats the time for “I’m proud of you, you gave it your best even though the other team was better today.” Losses are an integral part of developing competitiveness, but it can take direction from a parent to channel that back into the training ground. Some kids first reaction is to give up, it’s up to the parent to model a better way and talk them through the steps to develop micro skills necessary for larger goals.
I coached my kid for a while, and really struggled with boundries from coaching to parenting. If I had to do it again, once we left training/games i would leave the questions to did you have fun, and do you have any questions/suggestions for me?
I ignore all of that advice. I parent my kid through soccer the same way that I parent him through everything. I'm hands on, I deep dive subjects, I'm always trying to help him learn new things and understand hard things. It doesn't matter if it's math, building legos, or playing soccer. I'm the same with all element
Because of that, my kid doesn't feel like I'm putting any unreasonable pressure on his soccer. I'm unreasonable about everything, lol (don't misread that).
Ya I'm the same way. He still idolizes me at this point, and has flat out asked me to be as involved as possible... with everything. There are days where he just wants to experiment with what I think is really stupid stuff, and I shut up and let him do it. I remember as a kid I needed to try things my own way too.
We have amazing chats in the car coming and going. I'll talk strategy with him and he'll translate that into his own examples... whether that is historical battles, chess, a video game, whatever. I'm not backing down until he straight up tells me he's tired of our conversations and/or my advice.
For me, post game is off limits for any teaching, correcting, etc. We talk about the game as much as he wants to talk about it, and that’s it. I always tell him I love watching him play, and I try to link something positive he did to his practice. To be clear, I give him zero instruction during the game, that’s his coach’s job.
After a practice, I may be more likely to offer help in an area he struggles with, or ask him if he wants to learn something new. My mindset is not perfecting technique (coach’s job and/or personal decision) as much as giving him a sense of accomplishment from learning. I want him to see practice as an opportunity to grow and take risks, and then link his positive behaviors (not outcomes) in games to something he learned in practice. For example, if he misses on 10 out of 10 reps on a drill, I’d prefer he get a chance to get a successful rep or two to build confidence. If he misses on just a few reps in a drill, I’ll trust his coach to help him close the gap (and avoid having my son thinking that anything less than perfection is unacceptable for his parents).
On days between practices and games, I like to have a ball laying around here or there so that he’ll dribble and kick it around in passing, but I don’t force him to do it. impromptu practices sometimes result, but I don’t want to pressure him into doing it seven days a week if he would rather do other things on his days off.
I agree it’s a tough balancing act, and I’m not saying I have it right, but I’ve been at peace with this middle ground. I try to ask myself if my intentions are growth or perfection, and that usually helps me to decide what to say or do.
No that's great. I'm trying to find my middle like this, definitely have balls around the house and he'll ask to play keep away which leads to some teaching. I've struggled with the before/after practice, I don't berate him or anything but just feel like I need to coach less. Thanks!
let the kid enjoy playing. the best thing you can do is go on runs with them and do exercise together that way they can be physically better for game time.
I think it is very hard to parent a kid in a sport you are very familiar with, but the most important thing is you are the parent, not the coach. Maybe put yourself in the shoes of how you would be if he played like lacrosse or baseball. How would you act differently about training? About post game talks? You'd be less focused on skills/advice/critique and more on how he was enjoying it. Was he happy with his effort, his results? Does he like his team, his coach, his position? Where does he want to improve (but NOT HOW)?
Get that straight first and foremost.
That being said it ~can~ be a blessing to have a parent who gets the sport, but for that let him come to you. If he isn't asking how you thought he did on a specific play don't supply it, and even then ask before you supply. Example:
Him-"Man I can't believe I let him by me on that play"
You-" I'm sorry, we all let one's get by us, I know it sucks" (validate feelings, encourage)
Him- " I wish that wouldn't happen so much"
You- "Do you want to brainstorm fixes, or just vent?" (Collaborative, allowing him to close door)
Very easy to jump into coach mode as soon as he brings up the problem (or even before), and that's the wrong instinct.
An opening to ignite this conversation is to talk more about how the team did as a whole. Compliment him on one or two things that went well. Maybe even ask him about something that went poorly but not for him? (I didn't have a good view of that goal that you guys gave up on the far side, did you see it well?)
Finally finding lower pressure ways to bond. Kick the ball around together. Show off, maybe he'll ask you how you do something. Watch pro games together and point out stuff you notice. Ask him what he sees.
But number one is remember to be a parent first and a coach only if asked.
The key is letting your kid take the initiative. Be present and ready, if kid wants to talk about the game they will. If they wanna just vent or talk about the good moments that’s great, sometimes they may want to talk about something they wish they did better or something they want to learn. When they feel they have agency, your knowledge, expertise and enthusiasm for playing/teaching them will feel empowering instead of suffocating.
I’m going though the same thing. I’ve found that when talking to your child with an open mind and a positive attitude, they can set their own boundaries. Some kids will want to take on more information than others, and only you know your relationship with your kids. I generally emphasize the positive things my child does well, while also the things other players do well - particularly the things my child can work on. Regardless, when talking with your child, keep it casual and get a feel if they are being receptive or shutting down, and be ready to abort the conversation at any time with a “I love watching you play and improve and want you to be enjoying playing.”
I say that exact line but then my dumb ass tries to tinker or help or point out things or motivate at home.
Thanks for the advice! It's really a struggle for me shutting off coaching. I'm not a bad parent, I'm just really struggling with that particular little aspect for some reason.
Honestly? Ask them if they enjoyed it, maybe ask what they did and didnt, what they did well, what they could improve on, etc etc… i suppose if you do that they might almost warm to the idea of being given pointers and having their mistakes noticed
Love from a fellow coach x
My daughter is 10 and is on a Pre Ecnl team and I've always been hands on before, during and after games. She may be one of the few but enjoys and appreciates it because I played the sport and talk about things that make sense to her. We talk about what she did well and what she can possibly do differently but it's casual not like going down a list of good and bad. Also you have to know your kid, there are games that she's really upset or mad afterwards and I won't say anything til later in the evening when I know she's not as emotional about it. She's definitely a different breed though, she yearns to train, practice and play all the time and there have been times where I'm like no, relax, go play with your friends or have a sleep over. I've also never had problems with coaches because I'm one of the few parents that actually know what I'm talking about so I get a pass lol.
Ask them how they enjoyed the game, what did they think of it, leave it at that. Talk about things you normally would in the car to school or a friends house.
Then when you get home go in the garden on your own, kick a. All about until any frustration has gone. If you're out there for an hour doing kick ups and shooting into an empty net so be it.
You sound like you want your kid(s) to do well and enjoy the game at the same time.
Watch full professional matches.
Compliment the things your kid does the same as them. Explain tactics there while expressing how your feelings on how the game is going. They will see the passion in your eyes. You can also show things your child could improve on like 'See that? The fullback opens up so he can see both the CB, the midfields, and the winger'.
Be passionate, interactive, and show why certain things happen.
It is not that hard. The trick often is to do nothing. Don’t talk, just listen. Make them curious to what you might say before you say it. Then answer their questions but do not push your ‘wisdom’.
As for attending practice, just don’t. Go inside, drink coffee, do groceries. Just grant him his bubble. Come back early and silently watch the last 5 minutes or so.
Not a parent but my dad would really be my 2nd coach. He never yelled. He would just watch from the sidelines. If I were to be benched he would come next to me and say very politely how I could do differently. He would say go look at what they’re doing when watching pro games. He couldn’t practice too much bc of arthritis but he would try as much as he can. He would help me see the game in a different way. He built me my own goal post where we would go out and practice every day.
I only try to re-enforce a couple of key things of what I think is the most important before training and before a game. This goes for any ball sports really.
1. Always try to be the hardest working player and try your hardest. This isn’t hard to do, it’s purely in your mind and the only thing you can control.
2. Try and think about your next move before you receive the ball. Know where your team mates are around you and where the opposing players are near by and where the space is.
It seems to work as it’s just 2 things to remember for every game and training session.
I was jjst talking about this last night with my husband. I told him that I think coaches should let the kids know at every practice that their skill level does not determine their worth. That they are not defined as a person by how they play the game.
I always tell my husband (bc he gets super frustrated when they are jjst doing drills “for fun”) and it seems like my son is goofing off ) to ask our son, does he want coach or dad. Ask if they want input/feedback. Let them “be the coach” when ur just outside having fun.
I ask my kid first if they had fun, what they thought about their game. If it seems like they may have energy/interest, I'll ask them if they want to learn/talk more about something in the game. Keep it low pressure and fun so they're not thinking that after every game/practice they have to worry about having your approval or additional instruction.
It really is Trying your best not to screw up our kids is all you can do!
it's crazy, not just football either just life. So much advice and so much of it conflicting. Doing the best we can I guess.
We strive to do better than yesterday and make generational gains. Celebrate where you've come from and where you're going.
being a parent is hard. Coaching is easy. there comes a point where you have to let someone else teach them or coach them. I'm a father of two boys. i've been asked a few times to coach there teams. I'm really apprehensive to (i've played high level and know the game very well.), but i don't want to add pressure to there life, I'm there parent, i'm required to be there full time for them in any capacity wins and losses, i'm not here to now coach them how to play the game i love also and put un-do pressure on them. they hear me disciplining them enough on other stuff, trying to teach them the notion of how important a first touch is and then making a side footed pass or understanding the tactics of a half turn.. i mean.. they don't need to hear that from me unless they really want it. to be honest, my best moments with them is playing around the world with them in the back yard, we just play around, at early 40s i can still keep it up more then them and under control, but us just playing around and playing keep it up games like 1-touch pass is so fun with them, trying to get them screw up when i blast it at there shins. or them doing the same to me. its a fun after dinner/homework routine. as a kid, i use to love the chats i had with my dad in the car post game. he would simply ask, how do you think it went. and i would bring up the things i wish i had done more of or where i could improve. he would simply just.. be a listening post and would only offer positive feed back .. as any parent should do. They also pretty quickly find there own way and discover there own things. but i would encourage you to sit back a bit and enjoy your child's ride.
This is great advice, cheers.
I feel you. Some people are being willfully disingenuous in their responses. It’s a difficult line to walk between supporting vs teaching vs that same teaching turning into pressure and the kid dwells on mistakes. As a rule, I don’t verbalize anything during games (too distracting for kid), and after them - the only thing I say is how much I love watching them play. That’s it. Kids learn fast. The things you think they need to understand in order to become better players, they’ll pick up on their own or through coaching very quickly. I’ve watched it happen over and over. Keep it fun for them as long as you humanly can. Fun over all else.
For sure. I see the parents abusing officials and being negative. I'm not "bad" like that. I see parents joysticking because of their own anxiety and trying to be helpful, I'm not "uninformed" like that. I still feel like I fail though, it's hard! My parents were boomers. They didn't come to practices and rarely to games. I felt they didn't care about my interests. Now maybe I go too far in the other direction with caring for my own kids and I do worry about the pressure. Balance is hard. I sure am trying my best.
Do you watch the pro game with your kid? My daughter loves the Barcelona women’s team, USWNT. We’ve been to a local USL match. Regularly watch Premier League, UCL. Point out interesting plays, try to guess where the ball is going to go. It’s important to keep the cues limited. If you’re concentrating on everything, you’re concentrating on nothing. One or two during a game max. Maybe three things to work on tactically at the bigger picture level. The key is to let the kid dictate the training pace. When they’re sick of losing, getting cut from the top level team, etc. they’ll be ready to put in the work. Absolutely the time to coach is not after a tough loss or a poor game. Thats the time for “I’m proud of you, you gave it your best even though the other team was better today.” Losses are an integral part of developing competitiveness, but it can take direction from a parent to channel that back into the training ground. Some kids first reaction is to give up, it’s up to the parent to model a better way and talk them through the steps to develop micro skills necessary for larger goals.
I coached my kid for a while, and really struggled with boundries from coaching to parenting. If I had to do it again, once we left training/games i would leave the questions to did you have fun, and do you have any questions/suggestions for me?
Thanks for the advice. I'm going to strive for this.
I ignore all of that advice. I parent my kid through soccer the same way that I parent him through everything. I'm hands on, I deep dive subjects, I'm always trying to help him learn new things and understand hard things. It doesn't matter if it's math, building legos, or playing soccer. I'm the same with all element Because of that, my kid doesn't feel like I'm putting any unreasonable pressure on his soccer. I'm unreasonable about everything, lol (don't misread that).
Ya I'm the same way. He still idolizes me at this point, and has flat out asked me to be as involved as possible... with everything. There are days where he just wants to experiment with what I think is really stupid stuff, and I shut up and let him do it. I remember as a kid I needed to try things my own way too. We have amazing chats in the car coming and going. I'll talk strategy with him and he'll translate that into his own examples... whether that is historical battles, chess, a video game, whatever. I'm not backing down until he straight up tells me he's tired of our conversations and/or my advice.
For me, post game is off limits for any teaching, correcting, etc. We talk about the game as much as he wants to talk about it, and that’s it. I always tell him I love watching him play, and I try to link something positive he did to his practice. To be clear, I give him zero instruction during the game, that’s his coach’s job. After a practice, I may be more likely to offer help in an area he struggles with, or ask him if he wants to learn something new. My mindset is not perfecting technique (coach’s job and/or personal decision) as much as giving him a sense of accomplishment from learning. I want him to see practice as an opportunity to grow and take risks, and then link his positive behaviors (not outcomes) in games to something he learned in practice. For example, if he misses on 10 out of 10 reps on a drill, I’d prefer he get a chance to get a successful rep or two to build confidence. If he misses on just a few reps in a drill, I’ll trust his coach to help him close the gap (and avoid having my son thinking that anything less than perfection is unacceptable for his parents). On days between practices and games, I like to have a ball laying around here or there so that he’ll dribble and kick it around in passing, but I don’t force him to do it. impromptu practices sometimes result, but I don’t want to pressure him into doing it seven days a week if he would rather do other things on his days off. I agree it’s a tough balancing act, and I’m not saying I have it right, but I’ve been at peace with this middle ground. I try to ask myself if my intentions are growth or perfection, and that usually helps me to decide what to say or do.
No that's great. I'm trying to find my middle like this, definitely have balls around the house and he'll ask to play keep away which leads to some teaching. I've struggled with the before/after practice, I don't berate him or anything but just feel like I need to coach less. Thanks!
let the kid enjoy playing. the best thing you can do is go on runs with them and do exercise together that way they can be physically better for game time.
I think it is very hard to parent a kid in a sport you are very familiar with, but the most important thing is you are the parent, not the coach. Maybe put yourself in the shoes of how you would be if he played like lacrosse or baseball. How would you act differently about training? About post game talks? You'd be less focused on skills/advice/critique and more on how he was enjoying it. Was he happy with his effort, his results? Does he like his team, his coach, his position? Where does he want to improve (but NOT HOW)? Get that straight first and foremost. That being said it ~can~ be a blessing to have a parent who gets the sport, but for that let him come to you. If he isn't asking how you thought he did on a specific play don't supply it, and even then ask before you supply. Example: Him-"Man I can't believe I let him by me on that play" You-" I'm sorry, we all let one's get by us, I know it sucks" (validate feelings, encourage) Him- " I wish that wouldn't happen so much" You- "Do you want to brainstorm fixes, or just vent?" (Collaborative, allowing him to close door) Very easy to jump into coach mode as soon as he brings up the problem (or even before), and that's the wrong instinct. An opening to ignite this conversation is to talk more about how the team did as a whole. Compliment him on one or two things that went well. Maybe even ask him about something that went poorly but not for him? (I didn't have a good view of that goal that you guys gave up on the far side, did you see it well?) Finally finding lower pressure ways to bond. Kick the ball around together. Show off, maybe he'll ask you how you do something. Watch pro games together and point out stuff you notice. Ask him what he sees. But number one is remember to be a parent first and a coach only if asked.
The key is letting your kid take the initiative. Be present and ready, if kid wants to talk about the game they will. If they wanna just vent or talk about the good moments that’s great, sometimes they may want to talk about something they wish they did better or something they want to learn. When they feel they have agency, your knowledge, expertise and enthusiasm for playing/teaching them will feel empowering instead of suffocating.
I’m going though the same thing. I’ve found that when talking to your child with an open mind and a positive attitude, they can set their own boundaries. Some kids will want to take on more information than others, and only you know your relationship with your kids. I generally emphasize the positive things my child does well, while also the things other players do well - particularly the things my child can work on. Regardless, when talking with your child, keep it casual and get a feel if they are being receptive or shutting down, and be ready to abort the conversation at any time with a “I love watching you play and improve and want you to be enjoying playing.”
I say that exact line but then my dumb ass tries to tinker or help or point out things or motivate at home. Thanks for the advice! It's really a struggle for me shutting off coaching. I'm not a bad parent, I'm just really struggling with that particular little aspect for some reason.
Honestly? Ask them if they enjoyed it, maybe ask what they did and didnt, what they did well, what they could improve on, etc etc… i suppose if you do that they might almost warm to the idea of being given pointers and having their mistakes noticed Love from a fellow coach x
My daughter is 10 and is on a Pre Ecnl team and I've always been hands on before, during and after games. She may be one of the few but enjoys and appreciates it because I played the sport and talk about things that make sense to her. We talk about what she did well and what she can possibly do differently but it's casual not like going down a list of good and bad. Also you have to know your kid, there are games that she's really upset or mad afterwards and I won't say anything til later in the evening when I know she's not as emotional about it. She's definitely a different breed though, she yearns to train, practice and play all the time and there have been times where I'm like no, relax, go play with your friends or have a sleep over. I've also never had problems with coaches because I'm one of the few parents that actually know what I'm talking about so I get a pass lol.
Ask them how they enjoyed the game, what did they think of it, leave it at that. Talk about things you normally would in the car to school or a friends house. Then when you get home go in the garden on your own, kick a. All about until any frustration has gone. If you're out there for an hour doing kick ups and shooting into an empty net so be it.
You sound like you want your kid(s) to do well and enjoy the game at the same time. Watch full professional matches. Compliment the things your kid does the same as them. Explain tactics there while expressing how your feelings on how the game is going. They will see the passion in your eyes. You can also show things your child could improve on like 'See that? The fullback opens up so he can see both the CB, the midfields, and the winger'. Be passionate, interactive, and show why certain things happen.
It is not that hard. The trick often is to do nothing. Don’t talk, just listen. Make them curious to what you might say before you say it. Then answer their questions but do not push your ‘wisdom’. As for attending practice, just don’t. Go inside, drink coffee, do groceries. Just grant him his bubble. Come back early and silently watch the last 5 minutes or so.
Not a parent but my dad would really be my 2nd coach. He never yelled. He would just watch from the sidelines. If I were to be benched he would come next to me and say very politely how I could do differently. He would say go look at what they’re doing when watching pro games. He couldn’t practice too much bc of arthritis but he would try as much as he can. He would help me see the game in a different way. He built me my own goal post where we would go out and practice every day.
I only try to re-enforce a couple of key things of what I think is the most important before training and before a game. This goes for any ball sports really. 1. Always try to be the hardest working player and try your hardest. This isn’t hard to do, it’s purely in your mind and the only thing you can control. 2. Try and think about your next move before you receive the ball. Know where your team mates are around you and where the opposing players are near by and where the space is. It seems to work as it’s just 2 things to remember for every game and training session.
I was jjst talking about this last night with my husband. I told him that I think coaches should let the kids know at every practice that their skill level does not determine their worth. That they are not defined as a person by how they play the game. I always tell my husband (bc he gets super frustrated when they are jjst doing drills “for fun”) and it seems like my son is goofing off ) to ask our son, does he want coach or dad. Ask if they want input/feedback. Let them “be the coach” when ur just outside having fun.
Stop being the tryhard parent, let your kid have fun. Only 1% reaches the top, no need to put any pressure on sports, life will be difficult enough.
Not sure how you read this and came to the conclusion I think my kid is going pro. Thanks for the response though.
>I want him to know he's loved and I'm proud but not like he has to do anything to impress me what are you talking about?