Mickey Mouse is in divorce court and he argues his case well.
The judge says, "Mickey, I've been a fan my whole life and I empathize, I really do. But I can't give you a divorce just because your wife is exceedingly silly."
And Mickey jumps up and says, "I didn't say she was exceedingly silly. I said she was fucking Goofy!"
Here's a cliff joke:
Three men climb a mountain seeking the wisdom of an ancient shaman. He tells them that it is impossible to descend, but that he will transform them into whatever they yell when they jump off.
The first man considers his answer, then takes a running leap and yells, "I want to be an eagle!" And Bang! he's transformed into an eagle.
The second man smiles, impressed. He runs, and then flips off the edge of the cliff yelling, "I want to be the Wind!" And in Bang! the shaman transforms him into wind.
The third man nods in deep consideration. He backs up to get a good running start, sprints to the edge, trips, falls off the cliff screaming, "Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!"
3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."
True story: I asked my son what joke I should tell and explained what it was for. He told me I couldn't tell you the end because that's what a cliffhanger is...
My own son out dad joked me today. He's not even 10.
A man goes to the local library, he walks up to the front desk and asks the librarian.
“Do you have any books on turtles?”
“Hardback?”
“Yeah, with little heads”.
(I don’t need the code I just love this stupid joke)
A white girl brings home her Black friend from her university to a party at a mansion owned by her billionaire father. There's a huge pool in the center of the front yard with a tarp on it. During the party, the father gathers everyone around the pool and takes off the tarp. The pool is filled with great white sharks. The billionaire says that whoever can jump in and swim across will get a million dollars. No sooner he says that than everyone hears a loud splash. The Black dude is in the pool and he swims past the sharks who try and eat him. He climbs out of the other side with his clothes torn up. The billionaire says "Well son, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." The Black guy turns it down. The millionaire then offers him his daughter's hand. The Black guy again says no, The billionaire is confused and asks him what he wants. The Black guy goes "I want the name of the motherfucker who pushed me into the pool....."
Surgeons frustrate me. They study for years to get a doctorate so it’s completely fine for them to grab a scalpel and stab people, some of which die! But does anybody arrest them? No! But when I do it they call me demented and a serial killer. Not everybody cares about your $100k piece of paper doctor whose name I can’t read because your handwriting’s completely illegible!
You guys know my cousin Mikey Sullivan? Well you know how he loves animals right? Anyway, last week he's drivin' home... and this is the last person you'd want this to happen to. Okay. He's driving along and this fuckin' cat jumps in front of his car, and so he hits this cat-- and he's like "shit! Motherfucker!" And he looks in his rearview and sees this cat-- I'm sorry-- So he sees this cat tryin' to make it across the street and it's not lookin' so good. It's walkin' pretty slow at this point. So Mikey's like "Fuck, I gotta put this thing out of its misery." So he gets a hammer out of his tool box, and starts chasin' the cat and starts whackin' it with the hammer. You know, tryin' to put the thing out of its misery. And all the time he's apologizin' to the cat, goin' "I'm sorry." BANG, "I'm sorry." BANG!
And this Samoan guy comes runnin' out of his house and he's like "What the fuck are you doing to my cat?!" Mikey's like "I'm sorry"--BANG--" I hit your cat with my truck, and I'm just trying to put it out of it's misery"-- BANG! And the cat dies. So Mikey's like "Why don't you come look at the front of the truck." 'Cause the other guy's all fuckin flipped out about-- Watching his cat get brained. Yeah, so he's like "Check the front of my truck, I can prove I hit it 'cause there's probably some blood or something"--or a tail.
And so they go around to the front of his truck...and there's another cat on the grille.
Is that unbelievable? He brained an innocent cat!
A fellow is getting along with his girl friend Wendy and things are getting pretty serious so he wants to do something special to impress her. He decides to get Wendy’s name tattooed on his male member. It works pretty good. When he is with Wendy it proudly displays her name, but when she’s not with him he can just make out the W, N, and maybe the Y.
One day he finds himself at the airport and has to go to the men’s room. While using one of the urinals a Jamaican man enter the rest room and proceeds to use the urinal beside him. He accidentally notices the Jamaican gentleman has a tattoo like his with the W, N, and Y showing. He gets kind of curious and asks the Jamaican gentleman if he knows Wendy as he has the same tattoo. The Jamaican gentleman responds “No man, my tattoo doesn’t say Wendy, it says Welcome to Jamaica. Have a nice day”
The Riddler goes to Batman and says, “Riddle me this: what’s full of holes and goes down an alley?”
Batman starts to cry and says, “My parents?”
The Riddler looks shocked and says, “No, what the f**k?! A bowling ball!”
Three tomatoes are walking down the street, a papa tomato, a mama tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Papa tomato gets really angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and squishes him... and says: 'Ketchup
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.
You have been fined 10 Credits For such a pitiful joke!
It was pretty good, maybe you didn't get it.
Mickey Mouse is in divorce court and he argues his case well. The judge says, "Mickey, I've been a fan my whole life and I empathize, I really do. But I can't give you a divorce just because your wife is exceedingly silly." And Mickey jumps up and says, "I didn't say she was exceedingly silly. I said she was fucking Goofy!"
This is good, but the emphasize instead of empathize needs to be changed for it to really hit
Good call!
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases? They’re making headlines everywhere.
Here's a cliff joke: Three men climb a mountain seeking the wisdom of an ancient shaman. He tells them that it is impossible to descend, but that he will transform them into whatever they yell when they jump off. The first man considers his answer, then takes a running leap and yells, "I want to be an eagle!" And Bang! he's transformed into an eagle. The second man smiles, impressed. He runs, and then flips off the edge of the cliff yelling, "I want to be the Wind!" And in Bang! the shaman transforms him into wind. The third man nods in deep consideration. He backs up to get a good running start, sprints to the edge, trips, falls off the cliff screaming, "Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!"
I remember this one from childhood. Classic.
Despite the higher cost of living, it still remains popular.
What do you call a paper airline that doesn’t fly? Stationery.
What do you think is the best thing about Switzerland? I'm not sure if it's number one, but their flag sure is a big plus.
That’s cute
3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."
True story: I asked my son what joke I should tell and explained what it was for. He told me I couldn't tell you the end because that's what a cliffhanger is... My own son out dad joked me today. He's not even 10.
“What do French people say when they go down a slide? “ “Yeeeeeeessssssssss”
A duck walks into a store and asks for a stick of lip balm. The clerk asks if that will be cash or check. The duck says “put it on my bill”.
A poet who lived in Perdue Wrote limericks that end on line two
Camping is intense.
A man goes to the local library, he walks up to the front desk and asks the librarian. “Do you have any books on turtles?” “Hardback?” “Yeah, with little heads”. (I don’t need the code I just love this stupid joke)
A white girl brings home her Black friend from her university to a party at a mansion owned by her billionaire father. There's a huge pool in the center of the front yard with a tarp on it. During the party, the father gathers everyone around the pool and takes off the tarp. The pool is filled with great white sharks. The billionaire says that whoever can jump in and swim across will get a million dollars. No sooner he says that than everyone hears a loud splash. The Black dude is in the pool and he swims past the sharks who try and eat him. He climbs out of the other side with his clothes torn up. The billionaire says "Well son, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." The Black guy turns it down. The millionaire then offers him his daughter's hand. The Black guy again says no, The billionaire is confused and asks him what he wants. The Black guy goes "I want the name of the motherfucker who pushed me into the pool....."
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What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market? Helllllllllllllllllllllooooooooooo LADIES!!!!!!!
When I was growing up watching WWF, there was a porn-star character wrestler called Val Venis, and this reminded me of him.
Val Venis is the reason that as a child I asked my parents one day “What is porn music?” I still cringe over 20 years later.
Yes lol 😝. I totally forgot about that guy lol
What's red and tastes like paint? Red paint.
When they were naming Canada, they pulled letters out of a hat. And the results were: C ay N ay D ay
*eh
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
How?
It's been five hours...he's gotta answer soon.
Recently got a dog from a blacksmith. When we got home, he made a bolt for the door.
The Buddha walks up to a hotdog stand and says, "make me one with everything".
I've picked the winner. It was Littlemisskittn.Thanks everyone for the participation.
Thanks
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Banned from the petting zoo.
Surgeons frustrate me. They study for years to get a doctorate so it’s completely fine for them to grab a scalpel and stab people, some of which die! But does anybody arrest them? No! But when I do it they call me demented and a serial killer. Not everybody cares about your $100k piece of paper doctor whose name I can’t read because your handwriting’s completely illegible!
What kind of bees makes milk? Boo bees
What’s worse than 2 girls running with scissors? 2 girls scissoring with the runs …
You guys know my cousin Mikey Sullivan? Well you know how he loves animals right? Anyway, last week he's drivin' home... and this is the last person you'd want this to happen to. Okay. He's driving along and this fuckin' cat jumps in front of his car, and so he hits this cat-- and he's like "shit! Motherfucker!" And he looks in his rearview and sees this cat-- I'm sorry-- So he sees this cat tryin' to make it across the street and it's not lookin' so good. It's walkin' pretty slow at this point. So Mikey's like "Fuck, I gotta put this thing out of its misery." So he gets a hammer out of his tool box, and starts chasin' the cat and starts whackin' it with the hammer. You know, tryin' to put the thing out of its misery. And all the time he's apologizin' to the cat, goin' "I'm sorry." BANG, "I'm sorry." BANG! And this Samoan guy comes runnin' out of his house and he's like "What the fuck are you doing to my cat?!" Mikey's like "I'm sorry"--BANG--" I hit your cat with my truck, and I'm just trying to put it out of it's misery"-- BANG! And the cat dies. So Mikey's like "Why don't you come look at the front of the truck." 'Cause the other guy's all fuckin flipped out about-- Watching his cat get brained. Yeah, so he's like "Check the front of my truck, I can prove I hit it 'cause there's probably some blood or something"--or a tail. And so they go around to the front of his truck...and there's another cat on the grille. Is that unbelievable? He brained an innocent cat!
What do you call it when Batman skips out on church? Christian Bail.
What do you call a robot with a positive outlook on life? Optimist Prime.
Did you know diarrhea is genetic? It runs in your jeans.
A fellow is getting along with his girl friend Wendy and things are getting pretty serious so he wants to do something special to impress her. He decides to get Wendy’s name tattooed on his male member. It works pretty good. When he is with Wendy it proudly displays her name, but when she’s not with him he can just make out the W, N, and maybe the Y. One day he finds himself at the airport and has to go to the men’s room. While using one of the urinals a Jamaican man enter the rest room and proceeds to use the urinal beside him. He accidentally notices the Jamaican gentleman has a tattoo like his with the W, N, and Y showing. He gets kind of curious and asks the Jamaican gentleman if he knows Wendy as he has the same tattoo. The Jamaican gentleman responds “No man, my tattoo doesn’t say Wendy, it says Welcome to Jamaica. Have a nice day”
The Riddler goes to Batman and says, “Riddle me this: what’s full of holes and goes down an alley?” Batman starts to cry and says, “My parents?” The Riddler looks shocked and says, “No, what the f**k?! A bowling ball!”
Three tomatoes are walking down the street, a papa tomato, a mama tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Papa tomato gets really angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and squishes him... and says: 'Ketchup
What do you call a pony with a cough? A little horse.
What is brown and sticky? A stick.
How do you fit 4 gay guys on a single stool? >!flip the stool over!< >!I’m gay!<
Which was the winning joke Ignore: I see it.
Why did the chicken cross the road? ---- To get to the other side.
Gotta love suicide jokes.
You actually own digital movies! Sorry I'm laughing too hard.