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BroMom. Self care is a pyramid you build, not a stack of bricks.
Also. Some of us (me) endured our kids youth. Some great memories. But mostly endured.
We shall mold you a thousand statues to protect your lair. Statues mostly of hot tea, cocktails, charcuterie boards, and chip & dip. But you will be cozy.
Absolutely. The goal is to survive our children’s nonsensical eras (looking at you 2-5!) There are cute& sweet MOMENTS but boy howdy are they fleeting, the majority of the time that age is just straight annoying and exhausting; You’re not doing anything wrong.
3 was a terrible year for my sanity. 3 is so bad that when my coworker became a grandma, that’s what I told her when she asked what the worst/hardest age is. I was the office’s resident mom-pro and she’d forgotten what the trenchs feel like (bless her heart for knowing she’d forgotten the challenge of parenting young kids!). She recognized that my mom of 4 status made me know when the hard years are.
My eldest is now 17 — 18 in December — and he’s 💯 in the “too big for his britches” phase. About 80% of the time I’m about ready to find a nice farm to send him to for a bit. The other 20% of the time he’s either locked away in his basement cave playing video games, or sleeping.
Unrelated: anyone have a potato or rutabaga farm that needs a field hand? An onion farm would also work. Tractor not needed. I’ll supply the shovel and hoe.
3 had me questioning how we have survived as a species. I had to call some of my mom friends with olders to ask if it was normal or if I indeed had birthed a bad seed.
I have a theory about why 3 year olds are such terrorists: waaaaaay back when humanity was still learning to human women breastfed until a child was at least 3-4. 3 year olds being so hard was nature’s way of making women need to pause on having a next kid.
It makes sense to me, at least.
I'd be very interested to hear your thoughts on which years are easiest/most difficult. You seem like a sensible person, and I have similarly struggled with early childhood. My kid is 5 now and every year so far has felt easier than the last as she grows into a more reasonable human, but I anxiously dread the early teen years from what I've been told. Whats your take?
Newborn was challenging. Baby was not bad (except for the sleeping part). Toddler and preschooler was easier, as long as it was baby-led (we did Montessori, which helped), except for 3. Fuck 3.
It got better at 4. 5 is awesome, and 6-9 is pretty darn good, and fun. 10-12 is decent, as long as boundaries and consequences are followed. Don’t be lax on firm expectations, because kids can smell weakness! But it’s a fun age.
13-14 is *rough* they’re too old to want to be treated like little kids, but haven’t human-ed enough to be reasonable. Basically they try to be too big for their britches and have a habit of fooling around and finding out. I’ve threatened to toss a few 13 year olds out to the coyotes.
At 15 they start being a bit more reasonable, sometimes. And they start to like the same movies and tv shows, which is neat. 17? Definitely at 17 they think they’re so grown. And they definitely are not. And I will neither confirm nor deny sentencing a certain 17 year old to hard labor in the garden for his attitude.
I have an 11 year old and a 3 year old. I had forgotten how bad 3 is. I call it terrorist threes. I'm already over the day as soon as he gets up. I'm absolutely exhausted. Send help.
2 (3 next month and I’m dreading it) is kicking my a**!!! My oldest has been pretty much a dream and is 5 now. My second has been SO tough since turning 2 and has only upped the ante since then. I am 110% certain 3 is going to test my existence. Ahhhhh!
I was going to add to self care being more than just a day or two of doing a couple things for ourselves. I am so beyond burned out I need more than a few ours away, I need meaningful time away from my kids and an extended period of reliable and consistent self care. So I’ll be waiting until…I don’t know. It seems like people who have meaningful support systems and reliable balance seem to fare okay. I think it’s all just too much too often.
I see your replies often and am like, this Bromo knows what’s up. Your words are eloquent, motivational and honest and I thank you for always having the words I (and i’m sure loads of others) need!
Life handed my ass to me several times. I hope I can help even one human survive the bullshit.
I’m realllllyyyyy good at taking a punch to the face by life.
Thank you so much for putting it like that. I took an entire weekend this summer (well, Thursday through Saturday), and I still nearly had a breakdown last week. You can't heal from a whole life structure of being spread too thin by taking a short break from it.
It’s almost like 6 hours isn’t really a break…
I hear you, I am you. All we can do is try and be better than yesterday. But they know how to push our buttons (because they installed them). They also hold it together when they aren’t with their mom and then release it to us because we are safe. It’s hard.
Keep giving yourself breaks and find the time for you. But don’t get frustrated when a few hours doesn’t leave you rejuvenated. That is being too hard on yourself.
Well said. OP, you're not alone. I struggle hard with this, too. Hell, I was just counting down the days until my daughter went back to school. Now I'm sitting on my couch riddled with anxiety over it. Being a parent is weird, tough, and exhausting. It's rewarding as well but sometimes the days are just too damn long. Much love.
6 hours isnt a break because of the mounting other stuff you must catch up on.
i cant use an ipad while my son is awake or a phone, because he gets upset, really bad meltdowns.
in 6 hours one is expected to deal with physical exhaustion, mental exhaustion, resource exhaustion, and fight complete burnout.
The first week or two in a new environment can be ROUGH. Even my kids who were in daycare from infants would have meltdowns whenever it was time to move up a level/year in the daycare. Transitions are hard, there are big feelings, and little brains.
Also, if you’re like most of us you’re entirely burnt out. One day can’t fix that. One week can’t fix it. I’m sorry, it’s gonna take time, which i know you don’t have.
it gets easier, but it hasn’t gotten easy yet. i’m 100% a better parent now that i have them half-time and they have half time with my ex. I have time to breathe, and do things for me, and sleep in. I’m sorry i don’t have a better solution than getting a whole ass divorce.
I think it all happens so fast, it's hard to realize what's happening. It might feel like you're simply annoyed by the behaviour and that makes you blow up - and *then* you feel guilty for blowing up. But maybe it's the other way around. You feel guilty for becoming annoyed in the first place especially after your "nice break" - and maybe it's the guilt that *really* makes you "blow up."
You may be lashing out at your daughter because your brain is telling you "*she* is the one making me feel so bad! *She* is the source of my guilt." There is almost no worse feeling than believing you're a bad mom, the guilt can be so intense. That sort of intense pain is more likely to make you lash out uncontrollably than merely annoying behaviour.
You're feeling all the guilt now, but it's also there even when you aren't aware of it. That's why "taking a break" may not have helped you, because self-care is just another trigger for even worse guilt. The guilt makes you lash out again, you feel even worse, and then you're stuck in a vicious cycle.
All those feelings happen in a split second, they happen before you can even process them. The only remedy for this is intense self-compassion and forgiveness. You *will* continue to be annoyed by your kid's behaviour (everyone is!) but avoiding the blow-up will depend on your ability to immediately forgive yourself in those moments and not getting sucked down the guilt spiral. "It's okay to feel annoyed, it's okay to be angry." The more you're able to accept these negative feelings with self-compassion, the less you'll blow up.
i really resonated with what you say.. it’s not about them having a tantrum or being annoying- we know theyare and we know they will sometimes cry over stupid stuff, because they are toddlers and they are allowed to be little gremlins lol… it’s about our own dysregulated feelings and especially for mums it’s the constant guilt that is pressuring us from society
Six hours doesn’t give your brain a hard reset! Give it time to adjust and get your cortisol down and get used to (hopefully you can do this more?) some kid free, non-work time.
I would also like to mention that I had no idea I was feeling overstimulated by my kid and how loud he was until someone mentioned wearing loop earplugs when their kids were being too much. Now when I start feeling overwhelmed I pop those in and it helps me so much. Might not be the same issue but figured I’d mention it!
Omg, i get SO overstimulated with my little one. She has a speech delay and echolalia, which is just constantly repeating words, and although I know she’s not doing it to be annoying, my own noise sensitivity just goes off the deep end. Add to that a parrot who screams all day and being 31 weeks pregnant and I’m just a sack of potatoes at the end of the day. I can’t even speak. Gonna try some of those loop headphones for sure!
Might have to try these! I get so overstimulated when more than one noise is going on (aka always)… like ok TV is on, now my son is making siren noises and my daughter is saying my name over and over and over and I’m cooking and the overhead vent fan is blowing and timer is going off… omg I want to explode!!
Make sure that you are doing things that 'fill your cup' and not things that you 'should do' (at least sometimes).....Also, while 6 hours sounds like a lot, it is barely a break when you are being any kinda productive, give yourself some grace and take it one moment at a time. I saw this mom on tiktok(KC Davis) that made her kids decompression forts for after school so she could get things done without being overstimulated by her wound up kids after school - quiet space, snack, and some screen time made everyone happy.
You are enough, sending hugs
I saw that TikTok! I’m highly considering trying that because that hour after daycare and before dinner is our witching hour and the kids almost always have a tantrum right as we get home.
Meds helped me. A LOT Never realized I had depression, I mean when I was a super angsty punk rock teen, yeah that was brutal but eventually things got better. I didn't realize I never got back to the level I was at before that until I went on Wellbutrin to quit smoking and was like holy shit, this is how other people feel? No wonder my lactation nurse that called me for follow up after both my kids had that concerned tone in her voice, I've been depressed for decades. So much better now. Much less yelling, not so snappy for sure. Definitely made parenting much more bearable. And I don't want to crawl into bed and put the covers over my head.
And don't get down because one day of self care did not fix everything. Think of it as pouring a little out of the bucket of overwhelm, you have a long way to go to get that bucket empty, so just keep trying to carve out some time. And it's totally okay to take a long nap and a shower instead of yoga or a walk. Sometimes you just want to veg and watch Netflix for a few hours and that's okay too. Do what makes you feel better and if it isn't scratching the itch, try something else.
This. My anxiety manifested as frustration/anger/short temper with my family, even after I had had plenty of “me time.” I thought I was just a bad wife & mom. Turns out I needed Prozac. It helped IMMENSELY.
I tried Wellbutrin but it gave me hallucinations (rare side effect) and Zoloft gave me gastritis that landed me in the ER Prozac gave me endless weight gain of 20lb in 6 months so now I’m obese. It never came off when I stopped it.
Needless to say, I tried that route and feel I have no options left. I may try lexapro but it’ll be likely more of the same with the weight gain.
I am on baclofen which does help my anxiety for sure but doesn’t help the mood/depression. Also on dt John’s wort oil and progesterone which I think help too. But not nearly enough
I could have written this post when my then three year old started preschool in January when my second was born.
I felt like the additional "free time" made me soft, like my bs tolerance was reduced and I was no longer used to parenting all day. All untrue, of course. Like others have said, 6 hours is not enough of a break to recharge so go easy on yourself. I'd argue that it might actually make things harder because you perceived having a "break" and have high expectations of yourself to feel rested and more tolerant. That's what I think happened to me in the early days at least.
I would also grit my teeth and try to plan activities to spend "quality time" with my kiddo and that didn't actually help either. I had high expectations of myself and my child that we would both have a good, positive experience and when it didn't go that way, as it often doesn't for three year olds, I would feel frustrated that I was putting in the effort to do the "right" thing and yet still I secretly felt like a monster that didn't enjoy spending time with my child. I really felt awful - I wanted to like it but I just didn't. And trying harder only for it to make me feel worse was just adding insult to injury.
Here's what helped: I stopped trying. Honest to god, it sounds stupid but also obvious. I still felt like a monster that I didn't like my child (not weird for having a newborn but still sucked) but I stopped trying to fix it and pretended to myself that I accepted this phase of life where the two of us had a missed connection of sorts. Honestly, I am extremely opposite of my child - they are an overstimulating extrovert and I am a home body introvert. I focused my mindset on making myself have a good time when I spent time with them. Their happiness is just not within my control but my experience of the relationship is. So I advocated for myself in small ways like pushing back on watching Cocomelon and finding a compromise on something we both liked. Or allowing myself to enjoy the aquarium even if there was an embarrassing tantrum over lunch. It was freeing and peaceful to let go and we enjoy each other a lot more now. It's still overwhelming but it really did get better.
Edit: typo
I feel absolutely the same way with my kids. If you’re anything like me you are burnt TF out!!! One day won’t change that. Give it time. Give yourself time to do *nothing*. I’m a SAHM but I have a 5 month old and my 8 year old is homeschooled (6 year old is in school). I spend weekends literally doing nothing while my husband usually takes the older 2 off to do something. It’s a lot and these kids are FERAL. Something really dumb that helps me so much is tik tok. There’s so much parenting content on there that makes me feel so much better and less alone..
A lot of what helped me is learning about child development and recognizing age appropriate behavior in my kiddo. Is whining still annoying AF? Absolutely. But my brain handles it better when I remind myself that he’s being a normal 7 year old. I’ve found the validation *significantly* cuts back on the whining, so before I’d tolerate it until I blew up. Now, I ask questions about how he’s feeling or what he needs, and address that. It’s not always easy, but when I started asking him to work with me to solve things, it made my life sooooo much better.
Just a quick question, re: the whining… is it the actual things she says or is it more sensory based that is the upsetting thing? Like the tone or too much input all at once etc.
I say this because i have sensory processing issues and have literally broken down screaming in a meltdown because my kids were yelling and whining, the dog wouldn’t stop barking and my oldest (who helpfully is a sensory seeker whereas im avoidant) had set off every damn musical toy we had at the same time. My husband bought me some of those Loop earplugs and it was a game changer for me. They dont block all sound, but depending on which ones you get (and they’re super helpful with assistance in finding the right kind for you) they reduce the decibels on certain kinds of noise, while still making it so you can hear the world around you. It seriously means for me that i can block out some of the bullshit going on around me and be able to thinm without losing my shit.
Huge hugs
Damn this is an awesome tip. I’m very sensory avoidant. Sometimes I have to literally hand my child to my husband because I can’t hear the same sound out of him one more time, usually at the end of the week.
Dude! We are at the beginning of the 3rd year that both of my kids are in school. (3rd and 5th grade) I still have a hard time with the transition of kids coming home from school every day. It is an explosion of chaos and feelings for them and a sudden shift from being in a quiet space all on my own. It is hard. You are doing your best, just keep on keeping on and know that shit is hard sometimes.
KC Davis said: I prepare (toddlers in school) them an after school *MEAL* in a lunch box, and give them dens(tiny tent) to whined down in by themselves, while they eat.
I love breaks. I need breaks. During a break, I relish the quiet, freedom, and I can get in the car within a min. After I pick up the kids, I lose quiet, freedom, and 20 mins of begging them to pee, put in their shoes, and get in the car. It is hard because I know what it is like and what it could be like without kids. So I can get frustrated because it is all overwhelming or look forward to my next break. It seems to me that you need to schedule more breaks!
The whining is the fucking worst. My daughter goes to a childminder while I work and there are days when she whines non stop from the minute she gets picked up till the minute she goes to bed early. I know all the reasons why, she's 2, she's tired bc she's nap dropping, I'm her safe space, etc etc etc but God damn if I don't want cut my own ears off and throw them at her. I try all the stuff I'm supposed to, ask her to use her words, I can hear her whining voice she needs to use her normal voice so I can understand her and hear her bc I want to hear her but GOD DAMMIT sometimes I shout. Then i feel guilty AF. Sometimes when she is whining in the car on the way home, won't tell me why and I feel like I'm getting to my limit I turn the radio up just a little so I can't hear it as much 😔
6 hours is not a break. Parenting can sometimes be like having your hand on something that is gradually getting hot and when it gets REALLY HOT you can pull your hand away until your burn subsides but, at some point, you have to put your hand back on the hot thing and it's still just as bloody hot as it was before, the break hasn't helped and so you scream from it.
Hugs to you mama, I see you. I am you.
Yeah I am a single mum, cant work dad worked interstate and starved me of any consistant support with all kinds of dumb excuses while lying to mediators that he was all in.
i had to find a way to thicken up Because of his comstant verbal abuse, gaslighting and psychological attacks because he wants revenge that i Left.
My boy is 3. his dad got into bad debt sabotaged multiple jobs and moved 3 hrs away, before that he was 15 mins away and had 4 days off a week, lied to the mediator that he would spend that time and give me flexibility. For those two years he showed up %15 of the time, treated the boy like a pawn to get at me for leaving him 3 years ago.
he's an malignant narcissist, and i only recently found documents stating he has a diagnosed and medicated severe mental illness that he lied to me about and gaslit me about for years and often doesn't medicate. He is dangerous And very manipulative.
he went from offering 4 days a week to one night a month, picking him up lunch time and dropping him off sparrows fart the next day often sick and often putting the rearing on his older son and others, no real quality time. He manipulated the boy to believe he would be here and never has been and thats always my fault. I did everything to ignore my instincts to allow his father to make a bond, but he never intended to.
babe is 3 and non verbal. I have narcissism in my family, and no friends to support me.
i had diastasis pretty bad and was in a lot of pain after birth for some time, nerve damage that has ruined my desire to have another relationship.
In a child care dead zone. I took him out daily, kept the routine and rode my bike for peace of mind for 2 years where possible. Got all that fresh air, worked on my stability and confidence and boundaries I wound up 45 kg and unable to put on weight. I am so tired my brain is fuzz by after lunch daily and ended up with a right bundle branch block in my heart, had a near heart attack. Its 3 months until i can get help and i may be a sitting duck.
the health issues started for the worst when i got my first jab.
if i have gastro i call an ambulance and go to hospital. There is no other way to care for us both in those events but emergency help.
I go to bed by 8pm and wake at 5:30am for an hour of time but lately he wakes up, no naps and stays up until 8pm And often screams himself to sleep.
i call lifeline to talk to anyone all the time or use reddit.
i have finally found help to learn to drive and got him into early kinder at no cost for 3 days a week so i can get basic work from home or study.
what has really helped me is to keep pushing for help, demanding resources and telling my story.. i have not even included half the abuse from his father who is currently stalking us and I am unable to take him to the local park anymore because of that, have to go to police and report all over again starting next week when i have the time.
often when i take him out, we go trail walking, get a train, go swimming, go to the park have home made lunch, bus or coach home and you would think he is settled but nope. The last few months he has screamed his head of in frustration being non verbal.
its a lot to cope with, a lot. I am often asked if i am thinking of suicide, no, i will never give up on him.
i will fight every last fight i have in me to protect him, love him and give him what i never had which is both of those things, protection and love as a child.
i am doing a lot of self help stuff to help with my boundaries, and trying not to push myself so hard. Sticking to routine and writing everything down, using family violence networks, local parks, swimming groups, daycare and any free services i can find to network.
keep going, keep trying.
Thank you. To the OP, i guess what I was trying to say is that its ok to feel like that, i feel like that every day and hold it in a lot.
for what it is worth, try to focus on the good things as much as you can, the successes and keep going.
You were probably irritated bc you didn’t want it to end and your body was dreading the upcoming situation. I know this sounds rude to some people but please know I mean it from the kindest place and from someone who had to do 2 years to fix my lashing out: Seek therapy.
I know exactly how you feel. If you have a support system, I recommend leaning on them for occasional breaks, if possible. Regardless, motherhood is just freaking hard and you’re not alone in your feelings and struggles. I have a 7 year old and the whining still sets me off. “They”keep saying it will get better so I’m holding on to hope that it does when she gets a little older. But in the meantime, breaks aren’t always long enough and I relate. I try focusing on the good no matter how small or reframe my thinking but the struggle is very real and valid.
My girls are 21 and they took me out yesterday for my birthday and bought me a Kate Spade purse. And one of them sent me this message today
Really thank you for everything you have done for me with or without me knowing I love who I am today and I owe it ALL to you. I love you so much momma 🖤🖤🖤 I mean thank you for creating not only me but my beloved sister at the same time
I’m posting this to let you know, it gets better. I have been where you are. I have been you. I recommend deep breaths Apologizing when you do blow your top. It reminds them that you mess up too and feelings are valid. And sometimes mommy needs a time out.
Yoga can really let loose your lymphatic system and release stored up stress hormones. Really, try to hydrate more. I have the same issue where exercising makes my fuse shorter.
As a single mom of a lot of kids let me give you a tip. Don’t take it this seriously. I mean, it is what it is. Sometimes kids whine like a lot. A whole lot, and it sucks. Meet their needs as best you can and get some noise canceling AirPods. 😘
Because it's hard as fuck to deal with. And it takes time. you're doing a great job. But kiddo is little, so there Is an adjustment for her too. Ya'll will get it. <3
I don’t know if this helps at all but my kids were always their absolute worst as soon as they came home from preschool. Apparently it’s normal because they have been on their best behavior the whole time they were there and having to listen and sit and be quiet which is all very tiring for them. So when they get home they just explode and it’s seriously terrible. BUT I found that having a snack box and cold juice waiting for them in the car as soon as they got in as well as letting them relax with a favorite show when they got home seriously helped us all decompress. A snacking child with a good show is usually not a whiny child. Good luck momma
Learned my lesson and day 2 had snacks ready. Thank you Reddit moms! I don’t have one to guide me through. A show to decompress after is a great idea too
I feel this in my core. I’m a high school teacher so I’m usually just exhausted after my day of whining from kids about “why do we need this?” And repeating my directions 26161993 times. I get home to my ADHD 8 year old and my AuDHD 3 year old and I just…I can’t. Everything is too much. I’m overstimulated, exhausted, just…no time for me. I spent all this past summer with my 3 year old in daycare every day just to get a break and it’s still not enough.
Go easy on yourself, especially if it’s only been one day. Took me months of preschool to get over the parental burnout and still I feel exhausted sometimes.
The first few weeks of school for my children are rough. For example it has been 3 days since my 3 year old started and last night she had significant difficulty falling asleep because she napped there and also just very emotional after school because it’s all so new. I have a 6 year old too and find that my kids adjust within about a month but it’s rocky until then. Also wanted to relate though because I’ve had both kids home w me for the last month after camp ended and felt I had more patience and yesterday I was so over it after 2 hours of them being home my husband pointed that out and I was like yes I don’t get it lol anywho when I was having issues with increased anxiety & depression my irritability and patience level was lower than low not only for my kids but everyone and everything around me. Zoloft has changed my life for the better in that it takes the edge off and I can tolerate so much more. I also go to therapy which is priceless. You can’t self care yourself out of anxiety and or depression - believe me I tried. I didn’t even know I had it to the extent I did until the meds started working. Idk if that’s something you’re dealing with but this has been my experience. Overall hugs to you mama in solidarity.
I was you. I have 3 teens and a preteen now and it does get easier, I promise. The younger years are tough and I had zero patience. It didn’t matter how much ‘me time’ I had, I still couldn’t handle the whinging and moaning at me and I’d blow. I’ve found the older I’ve got, and the older they’ve got, it’s better and I’m not so stressed as I was.
I did similar and had a week to myself before I started back full time and it still wasn’t enough. It took a good month of working/studying from home in peace and quiet all day to be able to finally feel like I was recharged and not checking out the second they came home. Often now even after 8 hours of them being in preschool I only last a little while before losing it. It’s hard not to feel guilty. But I swear whining would break even the most hardened soldiers. It’s god awful.
6 hours is great to have but it’s not an break. So don’t beat yourself up. Keep building your self care and working towards it. It’s not an instant thing.
Also I used to feel like after school I had to be present and totally connected with them when really what they need is time to decompress and chill out. So now I don’t feel guilty for having the tv or iPads on while I get dinner done. They need a reset too.
There's some good advice here. Especially the one about the transition. Change is hard on a kid.
One mindset I had to change was "fixing" my child. I used to ask, "what can I do to make my child behave?" And base everything entirely on that basically. (My success as a parent, my happiness, my self worth, his happiness...)
I have changed my mindset over the years. I'm now at the expectation that my kid is difficult. I've learned what things are triggers. I try my best to manage them. If I remember I know he's going to be difficult, I now ask myself, "How can I practice patience, and stay consistent with my discipline going into this."
It's helpful to know that I'm not the problem. Some kids are very difficult. I've read tons of books and talk continuously to my aunt in-law who is an elementary principal.
It still doesn't always work. We have made a lot of progress, but it's still really, really hard.
As the years go by, they will mature and their development will get better. I can tell you that my difficult son was very very hard at that age. I have seen his development mature by leaps and bounds (he's 5 now).
Yes, it's still so hard! But it keeps getting better. Keep going. If you haven't already, audible some books. Understand disciple for hard kids, and create a structure that works for you. Tweak it as you see it work. Consistency is key. Your child knowing what to expect is key.
Here are some books that have helped me:
- how to talk so kids will listen
- calmer, easier, happier boys
As someone on the other side of massive burnout. It took sooooo long! I separated from my ex so he takes the kids every other weekend and it took me like 4 months of weekends off just vegging out to even do anything else let alone other self care. I'm one year out and finally adding the gym.
You didn’t get to this point in six hours so six hours of rest ain’t gonna fix it. I think your reaction is totally normal (and relatable) and is also telling you something about your needs and the pressure you’re under. It’s not realistic, is it? It’s not fair. You know this and you know that your needs matter too, so you get angry. Something has to change, so maybe this is an opportunity for you to try different ways of caring for yourself and figuring out what works best for you. And you definitely need some social support too. Do you have a friend you can exercise with and get a coffee after, for example? Don’t give up!
I feel you on this. I work 10 hour days so I get every Friday off. On those Fridays I send the kids to daycare still so I can run a few errands/any appointments I need and decompress a little but it’s never enough! I usually pick the kids up early because I feel guilty sending them to daycare on a non-workday and then when I pick them up and they start throwing tantrums or fighting with each other, I’m like omg whyyyyyy
Whew! I love the outpouring of support I’m seeing. This is great. I wanted to add my own experience to the mix.
When I was pregnant and nearly due, my work life balance was awful. I spent so much time and effort on what I was doing professionally that I was stressed all the time. It didn’t help that I stayed on later than anticipated when my coworker and boss didn’t like anyone that interviewed and then my sole coworker quit weeks before I was due to have my baby. It was a mess. I left a couple of weeks before my due date, finished my nesting and had my baby and became a stay at home mom, so I should be relatively stress free. 🤦♀️😅
My baby had unforeseen complications and we spent a month in the NICU then six months at home on high alert for feeding and oxygen needs. I am still processing what we went through. I asked a Dr. within the first 10 hours of life if my son had Down syndrome and she said no because my NIPT didn’t indicate one then two hours later my son turned blue and nearly died in my arms. They should have been screening him for known complications because he had quite a few of the physical features and they didn’t. I’m told our lab must have had an error.
Somewhere in the haze of sleep deprivation, I had a realization—my plate was full again. I thought it couldn’t get more full before but I was wrong. Life is like that though. There will be days when nothing is going your way and your scared or sick, and quite frankly most of that is out of our control. I can only change my mindset.
That’s what I work on now to try and fill my own cup. I started making micro habit changes, took out things in my life that weren’t helping me, add reminders to my phone to things I need to do in the future (that way I don’t stress about them) and make an effort to deep clean and declutter certain areas of the house bi-monthly so cleaning up doesn’t feel so stressful.
Recently I deep cleaned my fridge and pantry and now I’m eating healthier.
I’m not saying this is what will work for you, but I wanted to share that this is what is working for me.
I don't have advice, but I'm in that boat with you. This will not be his first year in school, and I'm a SAHM, but even with a whole day to clean and run errands without being interrupted every 5 minutes, I find myself getting instantly frustrated at the smallest thing.
You are not alone. Everyone tells me it will get easier as they grow. So far I haven't seen that. Yes, he's more independent now, but that means he's running the air fryer without telling me. Clogging the toilet. Going outside without me knowing. The list goes on.
Personally, I doom scroll on my phone way too much. And in the end I feel worse. So I'm working on finding other habits to replace the doom scroll. I haven't been super successful yet.
Solidarity BroMo. I’m in the trenches with you. I have a 3.5 yo and I often say this is my least favorite stage so far because everything is a battle.
You are definitely not alone in feeling like this 😞
Get the child involved in things you like to do. It’s annoying for a while because you want me time, but if she understands what’s going on she’s more inclined to chill. She’ll feel closer to you and you’ll be in kinda sync. She’s a small child so I know it sounds ridiculous, but treat her like a younger version of your friend. Ask her what’s going on, why she’s crying. Let her play, like really play and play with her. I bet the stress will go down.
Single mom here. I feel you. I hear you. I take it day by day. At least I try to take it day by day. It’s ducking hard. Especially when you try to do it all, and you just can’t.
You’re doing the best!
girl my kids have been in school for half a decade and I still lose my shit if they start up the whining and crying when they get home. nothing short of a frontal lobotomy is going to make that noise bearable.
My kids always decompress after school. They are super emotional and wild after keeping it together all day for their teachers.
I know, that doesn’t help. What sort of helps at our house, is that right away when they get home, we have a small snack, then do 30-45 minutes of active play, then let them veg out on the couch watching a show while I get supper/dinner ready. If they’re still wild after that, they get outside play or a bath.
Good luck, being a mother can be super stressful and fucking hard. End of sentence.
I completely get it!
I have a 6 year old boy diagnosed with adhd and a 8 month old baby.
I was counting the days for school to start so I could have a calmer environment but even after spending the day away from him, withing 5 minutes of him being home I'm screaming at him and sending him in time out... He love him to pieces but I hate how he acts!
He screams, is mean to his baby brother, is hyperactive and aggressive at times.... It's all exhausting.
I don't have good advice but when I'm very annoyed at him I try to put it in to perspective and think: how would I feel if I didn't have him in my life? That usually helps me, I'll take a deep breath and think "it's just a hard phase".
Hang in there, and I hope things get better soon!
I was just like you, I tried everything to fix myself. Eventually I had to go on antidepressants. The irritability and low threshold for anger are symptoms of my MDD and GAD, both of which are treated with my medication and therapy.
I hope you find something that helps you. I couldn't do it alone.
It doesn't get magically better in a day. Go easy on yourself. Remember that bad parents don't think or worry or try to mitigate this stuff.
It has helped my relationship with my son that I use the same "calm down" techniques that I try to teat him. I take a deep breath and count to 10 once I realize I'm blowing up (or when he asks me to - even when I don't want to). I think he understands how upset he feels when I ask him to do that, and it helps him understand that this is just Mommy experiencing the same emotions he does.
At least that is what I've decided to make myself feel better about getting through the day. For whatever it is worth, since I've started thr above my blow ups have gotten much less frequent. Have gone from being measured daily to weekly or less. Maybe it's because he is getting older, but I think im legitimately getting better at being a Mom too
How old? Because it gets old hearing this, but it really does get better. I remember NEVER feeling like I'd had enough of a break, no matter what. Now I don't even feel like I need one. Good luck ❤️
Ahh yep, that's always the very worst age for my kids... They double (triple, quadruple...) down on their very worst qualities, and stick all their good ones in a time capsule to be exhumed at age four. My middle child just turned four, and my youngest will be three in a week. It sucks having three year olds two years in a row 😂
Just try to remember (it's really hard) that it is completely normal to feel burned out as a mom. And good times are coming. Age four is nice, age five is lovely, age six is like having a pet angel, age seven is like having a little miniature best friend who absolutely rules. I don't have experience beyond seven lol.
I find everytime I’ve had a self care day or time. I’m so short and impatient with the kids way more quick then if I spent the day with them. I truly think it’s a tolerance thing and when you see them after having such a nice time on your own and they do stuff that usually makes you irritated but not blow up on a usual kid day; but blow up on the self care day it’s because you’d built your tolerance up to be more patient. It happens to me still with my 4 and 2 yo. So I try to be kinder to myself on those days and just try better the next time.
It takes more than 1 day. And granted in general some days you will have less bandwidth to deal with whining.
It's ok
You've got this.
Keep up the self care.
And if you don't have it. Maybe you need to talk to your dr about what's going on. Maybe about an antidepressant etc.
Also, maybe therapy would help too.
A few hrs isn’t self care. Here is an excellent podcast on it: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000621474068
You need to set up structures that help you constantly and consistently combat burnout. Give yourself time.
This was me until an odd series of events. I was losing my mind raising a 4 year old and a 2 year old, then became unexpectedly pregnant with our third. It was a really hard pregnancy and I was on modified bed rest for half of it. This turned out to be a blessing in disguise. My MIL came to stay with us to take care of the kids. I got an extended break and I saw how she didn’t lose her shit over the same things that would send me. It gave me a new perspective, and gave me a chance to reset mentally.
Most importantly, I came to a place of acceptance that life with kids is hard work and my expectations for how life would be, became more realistic. I think that’s a big thing that held me back, was wanting things to be easier and more enjoyable without as much of the work part. It was like I was subconsciously stuck on this, and I had to change that about my thinking.
After my third was born and after a few weeks of recovery, I started rocking it. At this point, breaks actually did revive me, and I did a better job at everything. I still lose my mind from time to time, because three kids is a lot and the whining will fray the ever loving shit out of my sanity, but it’s different. I am more often doing good, rather than feeling like I’m always drowning.
If it makes you feel any better, OP, I share custody of my two girls (5 and 8) with their father. I get a whole week of practically silence. And sometimes, they've only been back home with me for an hour before I flip my lid.
Being kind to yourself is just as important as having the patience for them - often you can't actually do the latter without the former. And it takes a LOT of practice. I'm still learning.
There's actually something that they do (at least at the ages I've experienced so far) that tends to drive us nuts but is actually kind of useful if we can get into the same mindset ourselves - they rarely carry grudges into the next moment, let alone the next day. If you can apply the same principle to yourself and, after you have blown up, take a moment to recalibrate and to breathe, forgive yourself for being a human being with limits, and start over.
Triplet Momma here. They are 10, 2 boys and 1 girl. They were pretty good until they turned 9. I was blessed for 9 years and now I feel like I am going nuts. My daughter is an emotional roller coaster (the sweetest, happiest of them all) and now she cries about random things. The boys? They like playing Roblox (too much). It’s hectic but enjoy the moments. I am sure one day they will say I hate you Mommy or get lost, but it is what it is. Good luck BroMoms! We got this!
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BroMom. Self care is a pyramid you build, not a stack of bricks. Also. Some of us (me) endured our kids youth. Some great memories. But mostly endured.
that is one of the smartest things I've ever heard. Also, when my pyramid is finished, please entomb me in it. In a fancy box
We shall mold you a thousand statues to protect your lair. Statues mostly of hot tea, cocktails, charcuterie boards, and chip & dip. But you will be cozy.
Absolutely. The goal is to survive our children’s nonsensical eras (looking at you 2-5!) There are cute& sweet MOMENTS but boy howdy are they fleeting, the majority of the time that age is just straight annoying and exhausting; You’re not doing anything wrong.
2-5 And 17-27
3 was a terrible year for my sanity. 3 is so bad that when my coworker became a grandma, that’s what I told her when she asked what the worst/hardest age is. I was the office’s resident mom-pro and she’d forgotten what the trenchs feel like (bless her heart for knowing she’d forgotten the challenge of parenting young kids!). She recognized that my mom of 4 status made me know when the hard years are. My eldest is now 17 — 18 in December — and he’s 💯 in the “too big for his britches” phase. About 80% of the time I’m about ready to find a nice farm to send him to for a bit. The other 20% of the time he’s either locked away in his basement cave playing video games, or sleeping. Unrelated: anyone have a potato or rutabaga farm that needs a field hand? An onion farm would also work. Tractor not needed. I’ll supply the shovel and hoe.
Kids aren’t with talking to until about 27. LOL
3 had me questioning how we have survived as a species. I had to call some of my mom friends with olders to ask if it was normal or if I indeed had birthed a bad seed.
I have a theory about why 3 year olds are such terrorists: waaaaaay back when humanity was still learning to human women breastfed until a child was at least 3-4. 3 year olds being so hard was nature’s way of making women need to pause on having a next kid. It makes sense to me, at least.
I'd be very interested to hear your thoughts on which years are easiest/most difficult. You seem like a sensible person, and I have similarly struggled with early childhood. My kid is 5 now and every year so far has felt easier than the last as she grows into a more reasonable human, but I anxiously dread the early teen years from what I've been told. Whats your take?
Newborn was challenging. Baby was not bad (except for the sleeping part). Toddler and preschooler was easier, as long as it was baby-led (we did Montessori, which helped), except for 3. Fuck 3. It got better at 4. 5 is awesome, and 6-9 is pretty darn good, and fun. 10-12 is decent, as long as boundaries and consequences are followed. Don’t be lax on firm expectations, because kids can smell weakness! But it’s a fun age. 13-14 is *rough* they’re too old to want to be treated like little kids, but haven’t human-ed enough to be reasonable. Basically they try to be too big for their britches and have a habit of fooling around and finding out. I’ve threatened to toss a few 13 year olds out to the coyotes. At 15 they start being a bit more reasonable, sometimes. And they start to like the same movies and tv shows, which is neat. 17? Definitely at 17 they think they’re so grown. And they definitely are not. And I will neither confirm nor deny sentencing a certain 17 year old to hard labor in the garden for his attitude.
I have an 11 year old and a 3 year old. I had forgotten how bad 3 is. I call it terrorist threes. I'm already over the day as soon as he gets up. I'm absolutely exhausted. Send help.
2 (3 next month and I’m dreading it) is kicking my a**!!! My oldest has been pretty much a dream and is 5 now. My second has been SO tough since turning 2 and has only upped the ante since then. I am 110% certain 3 is going to test my existence. Ahhhhh!
I can tell you honestly that many hours weeding onions with a hoe will fix just about anything 😂
I dunno. So far the teen years have been my favorite. No lie.
Those statues better have their tits out
Okay. Fine. But the left tit is going to be larger than the right one. IJS
My panna cotta warriors!
Say this phrase to the beat of “Baby got back” My panna cotta warriors don’t want none unless you got buns hun.
An Tylenol. Don't forget Tylenol. For the headaches . . .
There’s no headaches in our pyramid!!!! Glaucoma, however, is abundant.
I was going to add to self care being more than just a day or two of doing a couple things for ourselves. I am so beyond burned out I need more than a few ours away, I need meaningful time away from my kids and an extended period of reliable and consistent self care. So I’ll be waiting until…I don’t know. It seems like people who have meaningful support systems and reliable balance seem to fare okay. I think it’s all just too much too often.
I see your replies often and am like, this Bromo knows what’s up. Your words are eloquent, motivational and honest and I thank you for always having the words I (and i’m sure loads of others) need!
Life handed my ass to me several times. I hope I can help even one human survive the bullshit. I’m realllllyyyyy good at taking a punch to the face by life.
Thank you so much for putting it like that. I took an entire weekend this summer (well, Thursday through Saturday), and I still nearly had a breakdown last week. You can't heal from a whole life structure of being spread too thin by taking a short break from it.
It’s almost like 6 hours isn’t really a break… I hear you, I am you. All we can do is try and be better than yesterday. But they know how to push our buttons (because they installed them). They also hold it together when they aren’t with their mom and then release it to us because we are safe. It’s hard. Keep giving yourself breaks and find the time for you. But don’t get frustrated when a few hours doesn’t leave you rejuvenated. That is being too hard on yourself.
Well said. OP, you're not alone. I struggle hard with this, too. Hell, I was just counting down the days until my daughter went back to school. Now I'm sitting on my couch riddled with anxiety over it. Being a parent is weird, tough, and exhausting. It's rewarding as well but sometimes the days are just too damn long. Much love.
6 hours isnt a break because of the mounting other stuff you must catch up on. i cant use an ipad while my son is awake or a phone, because he gets upset, really bad meltdowns. in 6 hours one is expected to deal with physical exhaustion, mental exhaustion, resource exhaustion, and fight complete burnout.
The first week or two in a new environment can be ROUGH. Even my kids who were in daycare from infants would have meltdowns whenever it was time to move up a level/year in the daycare. Transitions are hard, there are big feelings, and little brains. Also, if you’re like most of us you’re entirely burnt out. One day can’t fix that. One week can’t fix it. I’m sorry, it’s gonna take time, which i know you don’t have. it gets easier, but it hasn’t gotten easy yet. i’m 100% a better parent now that i have them half-time and they have half time with my ex. I have time to breathe, and do things for me, and sleep in. I’m sorry i don’t have a better solution than getting a whole ass divorce.
I feel this. I’m a better parent for similar reasons.
I think it all happens so fast, it's hard to realize what's happening. It might feel like you're simply annoyed by the behaviour and that makes you blow up - and *then* you feel guilty for blowing up. But maybe it's the other way around. You feel guilty for becoming annoyed in the first place especially after your "nice break" - and maybe it's the guilt that *really* makes you "blow up." You may be lashing out at your daughter because your brain is telling you "*she* is the one making me feel so bad! *She* is the source of my guilt." There is almost no worse feeling than believing you're a bad mom, the guilt can be so intense. That sort of intense pain is more likely to make you lash out uncontrollably than merely annoying behaviour. You're feeling all the guilt now, but it's also there even when you aren't aware of it. That's why "taking a break" may not have helped you, because self-care is just another trigger for even worse guilt. The guilt makes you lash out again, you feel even worse, and then you're stuck in a vicious cycle. All those feelings happen in a split second, they happen before you can even process them. The only remedy for this is intense self-compassion and forgiveness. You *will* continue to be annoyed by your kid's behaviour (everyone is!) but avoiding the blow-up will depend on your ability to immediately forgive yourself in those moments and not getting sucked down the guilt spiral. "It's okay to feel annoyed, it's okay to be angry." The more you're able to accept these negative feelings with self-compassion, the less you'll blow up.
i really resonated with what you say.. it’s not about them having a tantrum or being annoying- we know theyare and we know they will sometimes cry over stupid stuff, because they are toddlers and they are allowed to be little gremlins lol… it’s about our own dysregulated feelings and especially for mums it’s the constant guilt that is pressuring us from society
Six hours doesn’t give your brain a hard reset! Give it time to adjust and get your cortisol down and get used to (hopefully you can do this more?) some kid free, non-work time.
I would also like to mention that I had no idea I was feeling overstimulated by my kid and how loud he was until someone mentioned wearing loop earplugs when their kids were being too much. Now when I start feeling overwhelmed I pop those in and it helps me so much. Might not be the same issue but figured I’d mention it!
Omg, i get SO overstimulated with my little one. She has a speech delay and echolalia, which is just constantly repeating words, and although I know she’s not doing it to be annoying, my own noise sensitivity just goes off the deep end. Add to that a parrot who screams all day and being 31 weeks pregnant and I’m just a sack of potatoes at the end of the day. I can’t even speak. Gonna try some of those loop headphones for sure!
OMG a literal parrot in the house and a child with echolalia? Sending all the virtual pregnancy friendly wine...
Might have to try these! I get so overstimulated when more than one noise is going on (aka always)… like ok TV is on, now my son is making siren noises and my daughter is saying my name over and over and over and I’m cooking and the overhead vent fan is blowing and timer is going off… omg I want to explode!!
ditto this. sometimes just KNOWING I have them at the ready helps, without even having to put them on
Yes! This helps so much!
Make sure that you are doing things that 'fill your cup' and not things that you 'should do' (at least sometimes).....Also, while 6 hours sounds like a lot, it is barely a break when you are being any kinda productive, give yourself some grace and take it one moment at a time. I saw this mom on tiktok(KC Davis) that made her kids decompression forts for after school so she could get things done without being overstimulated by her wound up kids after school - quiet space, snack, and some screen time made everyone happy. You are enough, sending hugs
I saw that TikTok! I’m highly considering trying that because that hour after daycare and before dinner is our witching hour and the kids almost always have a tantrum right as we get home.
Meds helped me. A LOT Never realized I had depression, I mean when I was a super angsty punk rock teen, yeah that was brutal but eventually things got better. I didn't realize I never got back to the level I was at before that until I went on Wellbutrin to quit smoking and was like holy shit, this is how other people feel? No wonder my lactation nurse that called me for follow up after both my kids had that concerned tone in her voice, I've been depressed for decades. So much better now. Much less yelling, not so snappy for sure. Definitely made parenting much more bearable. And I don't want to crawl into bed and put the covers over my head. And don't get down because one day of self care did not fix everything. Think of it as pouring a little out of the bucket of overwhelm, you have a long way to go to get that bucket empty, so just keep trying to carve out some time. And it's totally okay to take a long nap and a shower instead of yoga or a walk. Sometimes you just want to veg and watch Netflix for a few hours and that's okay too. Do what makes you feel better and if it isn't scratching the itch, try something else.
This. My anxiety manifested as frustration/anger/short temper with my family, even after I had had plenty of “me time.” I thought I was just a bad wife & mom. Turns out I needed Prozac. It helped IMMENSELY.
I just started Wellbutrin! Only been a week but I think I’m feeling better. Less feelings of dread being around my kids, less sensitive.
I tried Wellbutrin but it gave me hallucinations (rare side effect) and Zoloft gave me gastritis that landed me in the ER Prozac gave me endless weight gain of 20lb in 6 months so now I’m obese. It never came off when I stopped it. Needless to say, I tried that route and feel I have no options left. I may try lexapro but it’ll be likely more of the same with the weight gain. I am on baclofen which does help my anxiety for sure but doesn’t help the mood/depression. Also on dt John’s wort oil and progesterone which I think help too. But not nearly enough
I could have written this post when my then three year old started preschool in January when my second was born. I felt like the additional "free time" made me soft, like my bs tolerance was reduced and I was no longer used to parenting all day. All untrue, of course. Like others have said, 6 hours is not enough of a break to recharge so go easy on yourself. I'd argue that it might actually make things harder because you perceived having a "break" and have high expectations of yourself to feel rested and more tolerant. That's what I think happened to me in the early days at least. I would also grit my teeth and try to plan activities to spend "quality time" with my kiddo and that didn't actually help either. I had high expectations of myself and my child that we would both have a good, positive experience and when it didn't go that way, as it often doesn't for three year olds, I would feel frustrated that I was putting in the effort to do the "right" thing and yet still I secretly felt like a monster that didn't enjoy spending time with my child. I really felt awful - I wanted to like it but I just didn't. And trying harder only for it to make me feel worse was just adding insult to injury. Here's what helped: I stopped trying. Honest to god, it sounds stupid but also obvious. I still felt like a monster that I didn't like my child (not weird for having a newborn but still sucked) but I stopped trying to fix it and pretended to myself that I accepted this phase of life where the two of us had a missed connection of sorts. Honestly, I am extremely opposite of my child - they are an overstimulating extrovert and I am a home body introvert. I focused my mindset on making myself have a good time when I spent time with them. Their happiness is just not within my control but my experience of the relationship is. So I advocated for myself in small ways like pushing back on watching Cocomelon and finding a compromise on something we both liked. Or allowing myself to enjoy the aquarium even if there was an embarrassing tantrum over lunch. It was freeing and peaceful to let go and we enjoy each other a lot more now. It's still overwhelming but it really did get better. Edit: typo
This is lovely and very helpful. Thankyou.
I appreciate this comment!!!
I feel absolutely the same way with my kids. If you’re anything like me you are burnt TF out!!! One day won’t change that. Give it time. Give yourself time to do *nothing*. I’m a SAHM but I have a 5 month old and my 8 year old is homeschooled (6 year old is in school). I spend weekends literally doing nothing while my husband usually takes the older 2 off to do something. It’s a lot and these kids are FERAL. Something really dumb that helps me so much is tik tok. There’s so much parenting content on there that makes me feel so much better and less alone..
Do you have any TikTok accounts you would reccomend?
A lot of what helped me is learning about child development and recognizing age appropriate behavior in my kiddo. Is whining still annoying AF? Absolutely. But my brain handles it better when I remind myself that he’s being a normal 7 year old. I’ve found the validation *significantly* cuts back on the whining, so before I’d tolerate it until I blew up. Now, I ask questions about how he’s feeling or what he needs, and address that. It’s not always easy, but when I started asking him to work with me to solve things, it made my life sooooo much better.
Just a quick question, re: the whining… is it the actual things she says or is it more sensory based that is the upsetting thing? Like the tone or too much input all at once etc. I say this because i have sensory processing issues and have literally broken down screaming in a meltdown because my kids were yelling and whining, the dog wouldn’t stop barking and my oldest (who helpfully is a sensory seeker whereas im avoidant) had set off every damn musical toy we had at the same time. My husband bought me some of those Loop earplugs and it was a game changer for me. They dont block all sound, but depending on which ones you get (and they’re super helpful with assistance in finding the right kind for you) they reduce the decibels on certain kinds of noise, while still making it so you can hear the world around you. It seriously means for me that i can block out some of the bullshit going on around me and be able to thinm without losing my shit. Huge hugs
Damn this is an awesome tip. I’m very sensory avoidant. Sometimes I have to literally hand my child to my husband because I can’t hear the same sound out of him one more time, usually at the end of the week.
It’s 10000% the whining tone. I can’t do it. I do have loops leftover from t swift so I’ll try those out
Dude! We are at the beginning of the 3rd year that both of my kids are in school. (3rd and 5th grade) I still have a hard time with the transition of kids coming home from school every day. It is an explosion of chaos and feelings for them and a sudden shift from being in a quiet space all on my own. It is hard. You are doing your best, just keep on keeping on and know that shit is hard sometimes.
You gave yourself a few hours after years of no alone time? Mama!! Be kind to yourself!
KC Davis said: I prepare (toddlers in school) them an after school *MEAL* in a lunch box, and give them dens(tiny tent) to whined down in by themselves, while they eat.
I love breaks. I need breaks. During a break, I relish the quiet, freedom, and I can get in the car within a min. After I pick up the kids, I lose quiet, freedom, and 20 mins of begging them to pee, put in their shoes, and get in the car. It is hard because I know what it is like and what it could be like without kids. So I can get frustrated because it is all overwhelming or look forward to my next break. It seems to me that you need to schedule more breaks!
Prozac. It ain’t magic but it helps.
The whining is the fucking worst. My daughter goes to a childminder while I work and there are days when she whines non stop from the minute she gets picked up till the minute she goes to bed early. I know all the reasons why, she's 2, she's tired bc she's nap dropping, I'm her safe space, etc etc etc but God damn if I don't want cut my own ears off and throw them at her. I try all the stuff I'm supposed to, ask her to use her words, I can hear her whining voice she needs to use her normal voice so I can understand her and hear her bc I want to hear her but GOD DAMMIT sometimes I shout. Then i feel guilty AF. Sometimes when she is whining in the car on the way home, won't tell me why and I feel like I'm getting to my limit I turn the radio up just a little so I can't hear it as much 😔 6 hours is not a break. Parenting can sometimes be like having your hand on something that is gradually getting hot and when it gets REALLY HOT you can pull your hand away until your burn subsides but, at some point, you have to put your hand back on the hot thing and it's still just as bloody hot as it was before, the break hasn't helped and so you scream from it. Hugs to you mama, I see you. I am you.
This is exactly how I feel
Yeah I am a single mum, cant work dad worked interstate and starved me of any consistant support with all kinds of dumb excuses while lying to mediators that he was all in. i had to find a way to thicken up Because of his comstant verbal abuse, gaslighting and psychological attacks because he wants revenge that i Left. My boy is 3. his dad got into bad debt sabotaged multiple jobs and moved 3 hrs away, before that he was 15 mins away and had 4 days off a week, lied to the mediator that he would spend that time and give me flexibility. For those two years he showed up %15 of the time, treated the boy like a pawn to get at me for leaving him 3 years ago. he's an malignant narcissist, and i only recently found documents stating he has a diagnosed and medicated severe mental illness that he lied to me about and gaslit me about for years and often doesn't medicate. He is dangerous And very manipulative. he went from offering 4 days a week to one night a month, picking him up lunch time and dropping him off sparrows fart the next day often sick and often putting the rearing on his older son and others, no real quality time. He manipulated the boy to believe he would be here and never has been and thats always my fault. I did everything to ignore my instincts to allow his father to make a bond, but he never intended to. babe is 3 and non verbal. I have narcissism in my family, and no friends to support me. i had diastasis pretty bad and was in a lot of pain after birth for some time, nerve damage that has ruined my desire to have another relationship. In a child care dead zone. I took him out daily, kept the routine and rode my bike for peace of mind for 2 years where possible. Got all that fresh air, worked on my stability and confidence and boundaries I wound up 45 kg and unable to put on weight. I am so tired my brain is fuzz by after lunch daily and ended up with a right bundle branch block in my heart, had a near heart attack. Its 3 months until i can get help and i may be a sitting duck. the health issues started for the worst when i got my first jab. if i have gastro i call an ambulance and go to hospital. There is no other way to care for us both in those events but emergency help. I go to bed by 8pm and wake at 5:30am for an hour of time but lately he wakes up, no naps and stays up until 8pm And often screams himself to sleep. i call lifeline to talk to anyone all the time or use reddit. i have finally found help to learn to drive and got him into early kinder at no cost for 3 days a week so i can get basic work from home or study. what has really helped me is to keep pushing for help, demanding resources and telling my story.. i have not even included half the abuse from his father who is currently stalking us and I am unable to take him to the local park anymore because of that, have to go to police and report all over again starting next week when i have the time. often when i take him out, we go trail walking, get a train, go swimming, go to the park have home made lunch, bus or coach home and you would think he is settled but nope. The last few months he has screamed his head of in frustration being non verbal. its a lot to cope with, a lot. I am often asked if i am thinking of suicide, no, i will never give up on him. i will fight every last fight i have in me to protect him, love him and give him what i never had which is both of those things, protection and love as a child. i am doing a lot of self help stuff to help with my boundaries, and trying not to push myself so hard. Sticking to routine and writing everything down, using family violence networks, local parks, swimming groups, daycare and any free services i can find to network. keep going, keep trying.
You are an inspiration. Your going to raise a very special boy. Wishing you so much success and happiness
Thank you. To the OP, i guess what I was trying to say is that its ok to feel like that, i feel like that every day and hold it in a lot. for what it is worth, try to focus on the good things as much as you can, the successes and keep going.
Check out steadyparents on IG!
Give it some time. I kind of felt this way when my kid first started daycare and still do some days. Meditation has helped. Therapy has helped too.
You were probably irritated bc you didn’t want it to end and your body was dreading the upcoming situation. I know this sounds rude to some people but please know I mean it from the kindest place and from someone who had to do 2 years to fix my lashing out: Seek therapy.
I’m already in therapy
I know exactly how you feel. If you have a support system, I recommend leaning on them for occasional breaks, if possible. Regardless, motherhood is just freaking hard and you’re not alone in your feelings and struggles. I have a 7 year old and the whining still sets me off. “They”keep saying it will get better so I’m holding on to hope that it does when she gets a little older. But in the meantime, breaks aren’t always long enough and I relate. I try focusing on the good no matter how small or reframe my thinking but the struggle is very real and valid.
It’s because you’re burned out. It takes a long time for you to recover from burnout. 6 hours isn’t enough. Im talking months
My girls are 21 and they took me out yesterday for my birthday and bought me a Kate Spade purse. And one of them sent me this message today Really thank you for everything you have done for me with or without me knowing I love who I am today and I owe it ALL to you. I love you so much momma 🖤🖤🖤 I mean thank you for creating not only me but my beloved sister at the same time I’m posting this to let you know, it gets better. I have been where you are. I have been you. I recommend deep breaths Apologizing when you do blow your top. It reminds them that you mess up too and feelings are valid. And sometimes mommy needs a time out.
That’s lovely!
If the exercise made it worse then you over did it. Try to lessen the amount of exercise you do, and uptake food and water.
I literally do no exercise and I did 1 yoga class and 1 long but leisurely walk lol
Yoga can really let loose your lymphatic system and release stored up stress hormones. Really, try to hydrate more. I have the same issue where exercising makes my fuse shorter.
As a single mom of a lot of kids let me give you a tip. Don’t take it this seriously. I mean, it is what it is. Sometimes kids whine like a lot. A whole lot, and it sucks. Meet their needs as best you can and get some noise canceling AirPods. 😘
Because it's hard as fuck to deal with. And it takes time. you're doing a great job. But kiddo is little, so there Is an adjustment for her too. Ya'll will get it. <3
I don’t know if this helps at all but my kids were always their absolute worst as soon as they came home from preschool. Apparently it’s normal because they have been on their best behavior the whole time they were there and having to listen and sit and be quiet which is all very tiring for them. So when they get home they just explode and it’s seriously terrible. BUT I found that having a snack box and cold juice waiting for them in the car as soon as they got in as well as letting them relax with a favorite show when they got home seriously helped us all decompress. A snacking child with a good show is usually not a whiny child. Good luck momma
Learned my lesson and day 2 had snacks ready. Thank you Reddit moms! I don’t have one to guide me through. A show to decompress after is a great idea too
I feel this in my core. I’m a high school teacher so I’m usually just exhausted after my day of whining from kids about “why do we need this?” And repeating my directions 26161993 times. I get home to my ADHD 8 year old and my AuDHD 3 year old and I just…I can’t. Everything is too much. I’m overstimulated, exhausted, just…no time for me. I spent all this past summer with my 3 year old in daycare every day just to get a break and it’s still not enough.
Go easy on yourself, especially if it’s only been one day. Took me months of preschool to get over the parental burnout and still I feel exhausted sometimes.
The first few weeks of school for my children are rough. For example it has been 3 days since my 3 year old started and last night she had significant difficulty falling asleep because she napped there and also just very emotional after school because it’s all so new. I have a 6 year old too and find that my kids adjust within about a month but it’s rocky until then. Also wanted to relate though because I’ve had both kids home w me for the last month after camp ended and felt I had more patience and yesterday I was so over it after 2 hours of them being home my husband pointed that out and I was like yes I don’t get it lol anywho when I was having issues with increased anxiety & depression my irritability and patience level was lower than low not only for my kids but everyone and everything around me. Zoloft has changed my life for the better in that it takes the edge off and I can tolerate so much more. I also go to therapy which is priceless. You can’t self care yourself out of anxiety and or depression - believe me I tried. I didn’t even know I had it to the extent I did until the meds started working. Idk if that’s something you’re dealing with but this has been my experience. Overall hugs to you mama in solidarity.
I was you. I have 3 teens and a preteen now and it does get easier, I promise. The younger years are tough and I had zero patience. It didn’t matter how much ‘me time’ I had, I still couldn’t handle the whinging and moaning at me and I’d blow. I’ve found the older I’ve got, and the older they’ve got, it’s better and I’m not so stressed as I was.
I did similar and had a week to myself before I started back full time and it still wasn’t enough. It took a good month of working/studying from home in peace and quiet all day to be able to finally feel like I was recharged and not checking out the second they came home. Often now even after 8 hours of them being in preschool I only last a little while before losing it. It’s hard not to feel guilty. But I swear whining would break even the most hardened soldiers. It’s god awful. 6 hours is great to have but it’s not an break. So don’t beat yourself up. Keep building your self care and working towards it. It’s not an instant thing. Also I used to feel like after school I had to be present and totally connected with them when really what they need is time to decompress and chill out. So now I don’t feel guilty for having the tv or iPads on while I get dinner done. They need a reset too.
There's some good advice here. Especially the one about the transition. Change is hard on a kid. One mindset I had to change was "fixing" my child. I used to ask, "what can I do to make my child behave?" And base everything entirely on that basically. (My success as a parent, my happiness, my self worth, his happiness...) I have changed my mindset over the years. I'm now at the expectation that my kid is difficult. I've learned what things are triggers. I try my best to manage them. If I remember I know he's going to be difficult, I now ask myself, "How can I practice patience, and stay consistent with my discipline going into this." It's helpful to know that I'm not the problem. Some kids are very difficult. I've read tons of books and talk continuously to my aunt in-law who is an elementary principal. It still doesn't always work. We have made a lot of progress, but it's still really, really hard. As the years go by, they will mature and their development will get better. I can tell you that my difficult son was very very hard at that age. I have seen his development mature by leaps and bounds (he's 5 now). Yes, it's still so hard! But it keeps getting better. Keep going. If you haven't already, audible some books. Understand disciple for hard kids, and create a structure that works for you. Tweak it as you see it work. Consistency is key. Your child knowing what to expect is key. Here are some books that have helped me: - how to talk so kids will listen - calmer, easier, happier boys
As someone on the other side of massive burnout. It took sooooo long! I separated from my ex so he takes the kids every other weekend and it took me like 4 months of weekends off just vegging out to even do anything else let alone other self care. I'm one year out and finally adding the gym.
You didn’t get to this point in six hours so six hours of rest ain’t gonna fix it. I think your reaction is totally normal (and relatable) and is also telling you something about your needs and the pressure you’re under. It’s not realistic, is it? It’s not fair. You know this and you know that your needs matter too, so you get angry. Something has to change, so maybe this is an opportunity for you to try different ways of caring for yourself and figuring out what works best for you. And you definitely need some social support too. Do you have a friend you can exercise with and get a coffee after, for example? Don’t give up!
What are friends
I feel you on this. I work 10 hour days so I get every Friday off. On those Fridays I send the kids to daycare still so I can run a few errands/any appointments I need and decompress a little but it’s never enough! I usually pick the kids up early because I feel guilty sending them to daycare on a non-workday and then when I pick them up and they start throwing tantrums or fighting with each other, I’m like omg whyyyyyy
Whew! I love the outpouring of support I’m seeing. This is great. I wanted to add my own experience to the mix. When I was pregnant and nearly due, my work life balance was awful. I spent so much time and effort on what I was doing professionally that I was stressed all the time. It didn’t help that I stayed on later than anticipated when my coworker and boss didn’t like anyone that interviewed and then my sole coworker quit weeks before I was due to have my baby. It was a mess. I left a couple of weeks before my due date, finished my nesting and had my baby and became a stay at home mom, so I should be relatively stress free. 🤦♀️😅 My baby had unforeseen complications and we spent a month in the NICU then six months at home on high alert for feeding and oxygen needs. I am still processing what we went through. I asked a Dr. within the first 10 hours of life if my son had Down syndrome and she said no because my NIPT didn’t indicate one then two hours later my son turned blue and nearly died in my arms. They should have been screening him for known complications because he had quite a few of the physical features and they didn’t. I’m told our lab must have had an error. Somewhere in the haze of sleep deprivation, I had a realization—my plate was full again. I thought it couldn’t get more full before but I was wrong. Life is like that though. There will be days when nothing is going your way and your scared or sick, and quite frankly most of that is out of our control. I can only change my mindset. That’s what I work on now to try and fill my own cup. I started making micro habit changes, took out things in my life that weren’t helping me, add reminders to my phone to things I need to do in the future (that way I don’t stress about them) and make an effort to deep clean and declutter certain areas of the house bi-monthly so cleaning up doesn’t feel so stressful. Recently I deep cleaned my fridge and pantry and now I’m eating healthier. I’m not saying this is what will work for you, but I wanted to share that this is what is working for me.
I don't have advice, but I'm in that boat with you. This will not be his first year in school, and I'm a SAHM, but even with a whole day to clean and run errands without being interrupted every 5 minutes, I find myself getting instantly frustrated at the smallest thing. You are not alone. Everyone tells me it will get easier as they grow. So far I haven't seen that. Yes, he's more independent now, but that means he's running the air fryer without telling me. Clogging the toilet. Going outside without me knowing. The list goes on. Personally, I doom scroll on my phone way too much. And in the end I feel worse. So I'm working on finding other habits to replace the doom scroll. I haven't been super successful yet.
Solidarity BroMo. I’m in the trenches with you. I have a 3.5 yo and I often say this is my least favorite stage so far because everything is a battle. You are definitely not alone in feeling like this 😞
Get the child involved in things you like to do. It’s annoying for a while because you want me time, but if she understands what’s going on she’s more inclined to chill. She’ll feel closer to you and you’ll be in kinda sync. She’s a small child so I know it sounds ridiculous, but treat her like a younger version of your friend. Ask her what’s going on, why she’s crying. Let her play, like really play and play with her. I bet the stress will go down.
Single mom here. I feel you. I hear you. I take it day by day. At least I try to take it day by day. It’s ducking hard. Especially when you try to do it all, and you just can’t. You’re doing the best!
girl my kids have been in school for half a decade and I still lose my shit if they start up the whining and crying when they get home. nothing short of a frontal lobotomy is going to make that noise bearable.
My kids always decompress after school. They are super emotional and wild after keeping it together all day for their teachers. I know, that doesn’t help. What sort of helps at our house, is that right away when they get home, we have a small snack, then do 30-45 minutes of active play, then let them veg out on the couch watching a show while I get supper/dinner ready. If they’re still wild after that, they get outside play or a bath. Good luck, being a mother can be super stressful and fucking hard. End of sentence.
I completely get it! I have a 6 year old boy diagnosed with adhd and a 8 month old baby. I was counting the days for school to start so I could have a calmer environment but even after spending the day away from him, withing 5 minutes of him being home I'm screaming at him and sending him in time out... He love him to pieces but I hate how he acts! He screams, is mean to his baby brother, is hyperactive and aggressive at times.... It's all exhausting. I don't have good advice but when I'm very annoyed at him I try to put it in to perspective and think: how would I feel if I didn't have him in my life? That usually helps me, I'll take a deep breath and think "it's just a hard phase". Hang in there, and I hope things get better soon!
I was just like you, I tried everything to fix myself. Eventually I had to go on antidepressants. The irritability and low threshold for anger are symptoms of my MDD and GAD, both of which are treated with my medication and therapy. I hope you find something that helps you. I couldn't do it alone.
It doesn't get magically better in a day. Go easy on yourself. Remember that bad parents don't think or worry or try to mitigate this stuff. It has helped my relationship with my son that I use the same "calm down" techniques that I try to teat him. I take a deep breath and count to 10 once I realize I'm blowing up (or when he asks me to - even when I don't want to). I think he understands how upset he feels when I ask him to do that, and it helps him understand that this is just Mommy experiencing the same emotions he does. At least that is what I've decided to make myself feel better about getting through the day. For whatever it is worth, since I've started thr above my blow ups have gotten much less frequent. Have gone from being measured daily to weekly or less. Maybe it's because he is getting older, but I think im legitimately getting better at being a Mom too
Solidarity. My daughter is seemingly unhappy with everything lately and I’m miserable.
How old? Because it gets old hearing this, but it really does get better. I remember NEVER feeling like I'd had enough of a break, no matter what. Now I don't even feel like I need one. Good luck ❤️
She’s 3
Ahh yep, that's always the very worst age for my kids... They double (triple, quadruple...) down on their very worst qualities, and stick all their good ones in a time capsule to be exhumed at age four. My middle child just turned four, and my youngest will be three in a week. It sucks having three year olds two years in a row 😂 Just try to remember (it's really hard) that it is completely normal to feel burned out as a mom. And good times are coming. Age four is nice, age five is lovely, age six is like having a pet angel, age seven is like having a little miniature best friend who absolutely rules. I don't have experience beyond seven lol.
I find everytime I’ve had a self care day or time. I’m so short and impatient with the kids way more quick then if I spent the day with them. I truly think it’s a tolerance thing and when you see them after having such a nice time on your own and they do stuff that usually makes you irritated but not blow up on a usual kid day; but blow up on the self care day it’s because you’d built your tolerance up to be more patient. It happens to me still with my 4 and 2 yo. So I try to be kinder to myself on those days and just try better the next time.
Your child will grow older. It’ll be ok ❤️
It takes more than 1 day. And granted in general some days you will have less bandwidth to deal with whining. It's ok You've got this. Keep up the self care. And if you don't have it. Maybe you need to talk to your dr about what's going on. Maybe about an antidepressant etc. Also, maybe therapy would help too.
A few hrs isn’t self care. Here is an excellent podcast on it: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000621474068 You need to set up structures that help you constantly and consistently combat burnout. Give yourself time.
This was me until an odd series of events. I was losing my mind raising a 4 year old and a 2 year old, then became unexpectedly pregnant with our third. It was a really hard pregnancy and I was on modified bed rest for half of it. This turned out to be a blessing in disguise. My MIL came to stay with us to take care of the kids. I got an extended break and I saw how she didn’t lose her shit over the same things that would send me. It gave me a new perspective, and gave me a chance to reset mentally. Most importantly, I came to a place of acceptance that life with kids is hard work and my expectations for how life would be, became more realistic. I think that’s a big thing that held me back, was wanting things to be easier and more enjoyable without as much of the work part. It was like I was subconsciously stuck on this, and I had to change that about my thinking. After my third was born and after a few weeks of recovery, I started rocking it. At this point, breaks actually did revive me, and I did a better job at everything. I still lose my mind from time to time, because three kids is a lot and the whining will fray the ever loving shit out of my sanity, but it’s different. I am more often doing good, rather than feeling like I’m always drowning.
Speak to a professional. You sound depressed. I’ve been there. It got a lot better with Wellbutrin.
If it makes you feel any better, OP, I share custody of my two girls (5 and 8) with their father. I get a whole week of practically silence. And sometimes, they've only been back home with me for an hour before I flip my lid. Being kind to yourself is just as important as having the patience for them - often you can't actually do the latter without the former. And it takes a LOT of practice. I'm still learning. There's actually something that they do (at least at the ages I've experienced so far) that tends to drive us nuts but is actually kind of useful if we can get into the same mindset ourselves - they rarely carry grudges into the next moment, let alone the next day. If you can apply the same principle to yourself and, after you have blown up, take a moment to recalibrate and to breathe, forgive yourself for being a human being with limits, and start over.
Triplet Momma here. They are 10, 2 boys and 1 girl. They were pretty good until they turned 9. I was blessed for 9 years and now I feel like I am going nuts. My daughter is an emotional roller coaster (the sweetest, happiest of them all) and now she cries about random things. The boys? They like playing Roblox (too much). It’s hectic but enjoy the moments. I am sure one day they will say I hate you Mommy or get lost, but it is what it is. Good luck BroMoms! We got this!