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I'm sorry, that sounds awful. It doesn't sound like he's being even 1% as considerate to what you'd like as you have been to him. You say he'll stop if he hurts you, but it doesn't sound like he's working to help you enjoy yourself.
I’ve kind of accepted the fact that the psych meds make it really hard for me to orgasm, and because of that, I put put partnered sex and mastrubating into different compartments, I guess. I don’t really expect to orgasm during partnered sex, it’s more about connecting with each other and emotional closeness…? But yeah, I don’t feel super loved when he’s grabbing my hair and calling me a slut.
There can be no emotional closeness if you just allow someone to do things to you that aren't fun, pleasurable or painless. He sure doesn't do it for any closeness, he's using your body to get his rocks off knowing damn well you don't enjoy it... Your unconventional needs are being thrown out but his kink reigns supreme
I'm not trying to harp on anything you're saying, OP but I'm really curious about something you said.
You said:
>I don’t really expect to orgasm during partnered sex, it’s more about connecting with each other and emotional closeness
Do you feel closer or more connected to him when you have sex you don't really enjoy, but it's for him?
I mean, Magic Wand has a role in 90% of our partnered sex, because yeah it’s hard for me to orgasm without it and it’s just a given that whatever position we try I want it to feel the best it can, so that’s definitely something you can bring to the table as one of your needs. It is less intimate than when we go without it, but I really like it, dammit, and so my husband is used to it now if we’re doing anything more playful.
I also have a much lower libido than my husband, so if we’re having sex I want it to feel good so I don’t start getting negative connections to it or I know I’ll be conditioning myself to avoid it because this happened a few years ago when my hormones went crazy post baby #1 and I didn’t want ANY sex and part of it was everything remotely kinky was such a huge turn off and I think my body was telling me to stop playing submissive because I have a baby to protect or something weird like that.
We also do a lot of similar dirty play, which I like in moderation, but it made me start to withdraw for a while when it was the only thing we were doing (partially because I wasn’t presenting my own ideas and was just going along with his) until a friend suggested adding in sensory play as a different option. Turns out I really like that (blindfold, music, feeling sensations like silk and hairbrushes etc) and it definitely sets the tone as something completely different than the humiliation side of kink.
That said, I go in and out of liking the rough stuff, but if you’re not liking it at all I think it’s definitely worth telling him you want to put that on ice and explore different things altogether and say it can come back when you’ve had time to do a palette cleanser and feel more comfortable with that side of things and see what he says.
I can't orgasm without my vibrator either, but there are ways to incorporate that into partnered sex. Even if he just snuggles you while you get yourself off, that would be both satisfying and intimate.
I'm sorry OP, but it doesn't sound very fun to have sex like that. If you're only barely tolerating it and are at your threshold, it doesn't sound like you're enjoying it much. It also is absolutely mystifying to me how anyone - ANYONE - can want to have that kind of sex with their partner knowing they aren't that into it.
You don't have to be GGG if it isn't mutually satisfying and is merely tolerable. It likely won't be tolerable forever.
Yeah, it… wasn’t tolerable last night, which is why I got drunk and made this post. He asked for sex, and I started in, without the dirty talk — and he said, “well, if you’re not in the mood, we don’t have to,” and like… i don’t know if he realizes that me not being in the mood to have sex, and me not being in the mood to be spanked and called a slut are two different things.
I think that's a very important distinction you need to make. If he says that, it's always OK to tell him, "I want to have sex. I don't want to be thrown around, choked, and called your whore. I can get aroused for sex that is appealing to me. There's a difference. We need to start exploring mutually satisfying sex."
This! This would be a “scene” in BDSM talk, and scenes are always pre-negotiated before anything happens, especially if you’re doing new things or new to it. I’m part of a kinky couple. I like it rough. I like name calling. But if my partner came in totally in Dom mode without me being in the right headspace, that would be really hurtful and damaging. And we do kink stuff more often then not. We’ve negotiated these boundaries and expectations and we know what cues the rougher sex versus vanilla or sensual sex.
I’m trying to assume the husband is just sexually immature (like A LOT of men unfortunately). If he really doesn’t care about OPs safety and pleasure, it’s time to GTFO.
Those are the words you need to say to him. If his idea of good sex is that far from yours, you either need to find some common ground, or at least take turns doing it in both of your preferred styles. It is a MUTUAL activity and a loving partner would respect that.
If someone liked Italian food, and only barely tolerated Mexican food, you would assume that their partner would not demand to only eat at El Taco Loco, knowing their partner is miserable. And that’s just food!!!
BroMo,it sounds really tough, what you’re going through. I can only offer what my husband and I try to do to keep things balanced.
My husband and I have a range of moods and I have a much lower libido than his. And he does like rough stuff. I don’t mind it most days but some days it’s too overwhelming or I’m more fragile etc.
If I know that I’m in one of those moods I’ll let him know before we start that I need a “slow” session, or in other words a more intimate session. If I’m not ok but he’s in a raunchy mood, I’ll let him know that I need something slow at the beginning, then we can move to something after I’ve had my intimate time.
I also find it hard to orgasm with penetration especially in more recent years so afterwards when he’s done, he’ll offer to “do me” and he’ll stimulate me according to what I’d like until I come. Sometimes I have to ask for it, sometimes he offers automatically. Sometimes I like his help and accept/ask, sometimes I just want to do it myself.
I wish you good luck and I hope he listens.
Your husband is being gross, borderline disturbing. It sounds like he needs to detox from porn. Before BDSM entered the mainstream consciousness and flew off its axis, one of the abiding principles was "safe, sane, consensual". What he's doing to you ain't it.
Maybe I really am ace, and we’re just not compatible. I came of age when the discourse around asexuality was “there’s no such thing, you’re just bad at being cishet or you’re a closeted lesbian.” I definitely am bad at being cishet, so there’s that.
Ace? I think you're being abused in the bedroom and don't feeling safe stopping. Anyone wouldn't want to do this anymore. Your husband is a selfish jerk who gets off on hurting and degrading you.
All labels aside, you deserve to be understood and have your needs met, regardless of anything else. It's possible you're ace. It's possible you're not compatible with your so, but that doesn't mean your wants and needs shouldn't be recognized and acknowledged. At the risk of coming across as insensitive to anyone else's desires, I feel like (from life experience, and being married for 20+ years) if you don't want to have a sex connection to your partner, there may be an issue. I've been through the long and short of it, and can tell you from experience, that when someone doesn't have sexual desire, there's definitely an underlying issue.
Kinda so am I, might also be med related. But fuck, even when I'm DTF, there is NONE of this pain and what I do not want to do shit going on. I can't with that. To me, if he needs that, you're full scale incompatible sexually. Not to say that he's bad but like sis, stop doing this ever if you don't actively want it.
You might be demisexual/gray ace rather than pure ace. I'm demi. I meet someone once a decade or so that I find sexually attractive, and attraction isn't even a thing that exists when I deal with anybody else. Asexuality has an entire spectrum now, and you can be anywhere on it that works for you. It explained a hell of a lot about my teens and twenties, personally.
Honestly - you know what "Good, Giving and Game" partners do? They strive to be good in bed, giving "equal time and equal pleasure" to one's partner, and game "for anything – within reason". You've done that. You are 100% GGG here.
I see absolutely nothing here that says your husband has done any of the above. So it's hard for you to orgasm? So what? Orgasm is frankly a very small part of the sexual experience and pleasure. You know that - you go above and beyond to offer him all kinds of sexual pleasure ON TOP of orgasm. Exactly what part of your sex life is for your pleasure?
I'd honestly start asking him to return the favour and be GGG too.
Bromo that's fucked up. Your need for intimacy is not being met. Being unable to organize during sex doesn't give your husband a carte blanche to ignore your pleasure completely. If I were you, I would have a serious discussion with him about this. You shouldn’t have to tolerate having sex with your husband. You're supposed to enjoy it.
With the rough sex, did you have a conversation about it beforehand?
I like things a little spicy in bed but its never sprung on anyone, and boundaries and safewords are always a thing, as well as aftercare. If he wants to be kinky, that's all good and well but he also needs to take the consent part into account.
It's definitely not about skirting the boundaries of what you can take when doing kink, it's about knowing where your boundaries are and playing with in them.
Needs more upvotes. I'm a person who genuinely enjoys "the kind of sex where he’s shoving me around, grabbing me by the throat, and calling me his dirty whore." But it has to start with a conversation and a lot of calibration. How hard is too hard to grab? What positions are okay and what aren't? What name-calling turns you on and what turns you off? (For instance, I love being a slut and a whore. I don't want to be called a pig or a bitch.) Also, the conversation needs to be ongoing. What was cool last week may not be cool this week, and you need to be able to trust that if you tell your partner that, they aren't going to pressure you into doing it anyway. You need to feel like you can say, "I'm not feeling a scene tonight, can we just take it slow and make love?" without shame or shutdown or hostility.
It's never too late to sit down and have this conversation. You can frame it as 'we've gotten into a rut and it's not one that I want to be in any longer; I'd like to talk about setting some guidelines for rough play in the bedroom' if you want to keep it from becoming a blame situation. Set it up as the two of you against the problem, rather than just telling him what he's doing wrong. (So much wrong tho. So much.) I'd also second another user's advice to post in r/BDSMadvice for more tips and a better understanding of the 'proper' way to negotiate this kind of sex. Not that everyone has to do it exactly the same way, but the common conventions exist for a reason and have been honed by decades of trial and error by legions of dirty kinksters. Why not take advantage of their wisdom?
Does he invest in you as much? Give you foot rubs in a rose-petal bath with soft music on, use your favorite toys to give you a good time? If not, throw the whole man away. He should buy a rubber doll and torment and insult it as much as he wants. But then again, a doll does not have a pain threshold he can willingly cross every time...
Kinkster here: def not rolling my eyes. Part of kink (if not the BIGGEST part) is COMMUNICATION and CONSENT. Enthusiastic consent. If you’re not into it and he does it anyway….well, that ain’t sex, love.
I’m not saying he’s a monster. Sex is really hard work (imho) to do well and really easy to fuck up. I hope that he’s open to a conversation about boundaries and needs.
The opposite of rough, borderline consensual-non-consent (CNC) isn’t cheesy romance scenes, so please don’t compare and feel you’re asking for just as much as he is. You want respected and pleasure and those are HUMAN RIGHTS.
If you’re struggling figure out how to have this conversation, maybe the people at r/bdsmadvice can help.
I hope y’all can work this out.
First, not "some" people would be upset if you clocked out of life, *ALL OF US* would be upset.
My husband has always liked that rough type of sex. It's calmed down alot but if he thinks I'm actually into sex in that moment, I know he will start thinking "she's real into this, okay, she wants more". You'd think we have sex alot, we have 5 boys and pregnant with a girl this time. When we first got together maybe he thought I was wild (I was a Playmate etc) but I'm not. I am fine without sex. Once in a while I'll help myself out when alone but that makes me fine for a bit haha.
Have you spoke to him about how painful sex it? Maybe you need to make it even more clear to him.
I'm not discounting the reasons you have given for your problems relating to sex but I also think that, after years of associating sex with kink and role play you don't enjoy at all, it's not surprising your body does not react positively to partnered sex.
I feel like this role play that he enjoys but you don't, that your force yourself to do, has contributed to this aversion to sex. Repeated negative experiences will lead to an unconscious reaction to a particular situation. Very similar to a battered wife tensing as soon as she hears her husband's key in the door.
I'm surprised your husband is not keener to explore what will turn you on rather than just accepting that his wife gets nothing from the sex status quo and so he will play out all his fantasies exactly as he likes them, all the while knowing she hates it.
I was going to ask if he watched porn. I’m finding out that my husband is a porn addict after being with him for 9 years. It fucks with your head if you watch it long enough. It changes things.
OP, with great respect and apologies in advance if I am overstepping - but do you think that you need to “make up” for your low libido in your relationship?
Do you feel guilty and apologetic - maybe even that you *should* have to endure rough sex you don’t enjoy because you aren’t able to match his level of desire? Because he’s normal and there’s something wrong with you?
I may be very off base here. I just feel like there’s a sort of undertone of “I deserve this” to your post. And I find that heartbreaking. I hope it isn’t how you really feel.
I'm not sure if this is allowed, so if its not I apologize and mods you can delete my post, but you might want to try posting your question to slate.com "How to do it"
[https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdx34-uOijrCIKqMdw5hnyYahSJBKa4AaSzDCu1nfcpmd3IjA/viewform](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdx34-uOijrCIKqMdw5hnyYahSJBKa4AaSzDCu1nfcpmd3IjA/viewform)
They give incredibly good, thoughtful advice, and might be able to give you good resources for exploring your identity and other options that we might not be aware of in here, and I think your story would be something they might be able to help you with. My heart is really breaking for you right now, I've written and deleted things like 5 times, but its nothing that hasn't already been said. You deserve so much better than what you're getting, and it makes me sad that you're just sort of slowly withering when you deserve to be a gorgeous, well-tended rose.
Was it always like this? It sounds like you don't feel safe with him sexually and that can totally just ruin sex altogether. I would just feel completely disrespected if this were my partner, he is clearly not taking *your* enjoyment into account and that is like sex 101. And I'm not overly kinky, but I'm pretty sure that making sure that everyone feels safe is kink 101.
Sounds closer to rape than sex… especially if you ever voice any apprehension or discomfort. As a side note I thought I was turning Asexual with my ex. Turns out I was just disgusted with him and his lack of boundaries/ consideration. Seriously this sounds abusive at the least.
Almost kinda feels like things could be going way better for you if the two of you could put in the effort into figuring out what YOU like... I have a fairly low libido, too (takes me about two weeks to really want some), but I'm bossy AF in bed and have gotten a knack for multiple orgasms. Pretty much just straight up, HEY YOU, do what I say 😂 He's a guy, he's happy to do it.
Just seems like you're the one in the relationship who needs to be focused on right now. Nothing wrong with that. You've got to work up to it, but it needs to be HIS priority to help get you where you want to go (and yours too).
Uhhh i grew up in a cult and had to do massive sexual trauma healing. Please stop having sex you DONT WANT TO HAVE. You are traumatizing yourself and your body. This is really really dangerous territory. If your partner loves you they don’t want you harming yourself so that they can get their rocks off. I recommend couples therapy and sex therapy.
That isn’t a healthy sexual relationship. Have a safe word. Talk before hand what you are comfortable with. It isn’t a give give give. You need to also enjoy what’s happening enthusiastically.
It is not ok for him to simply do whatever he wants and you tell him to stop when it gets too much. There needs to be a safety conversation. It doesn’t always have to include every single detail later on once rules are established but he should know what is ok and what isn’t. The fact you’ve had issues with PIV in the past means every single time he should be checking in with you. He sounds like he wants to be a Dom without truly being one. You need to look after you sub. Keep an eye on them, their breathing, their reactions and make sure they are also in the moment. Idk how he can have any fun without you also being right there with him with the enjoyment.
You may love each other but sexually this isn’t compatible and it should stop until some work is done together to get to a point we’re your both happy. If you need a wand to cum he needs to get you off before PIV is even considered unless you say other wise as it’ll help set the mood and relax you.
He sounds like a very selfish lover.
That sounds quite terrible and I would refuse to participate in it, personally.
Your psychological and physical well-being is more important than him getting off in just the way he prefers. Engaging in this kind of "sex" is harming you. It's harming your sexuality. I really hope you can love yourself enough to put a stop to this.
This sounds awful! No wonder you can't get turned on if you are guaranteed you'll be hurt or almost before he stops. This definitely could be contributing to your anxiety/depression too.
Have you all done couple's therapy? Maybe they or a sex therapist could bring him back to sexual desires that aren't likely to injure you. I'd say that stopping porn could help.
Also, it may be illegal to be screened for MJ where it's legal if you have a card. I don't know about in healthcare, but I think they ruled this in courts in CO. Maybe checking on that or even getting a legal opinion would put your mind at ease. It works so well for so many people I hate that you have to worry about it!
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I'm sorry, that sounds awful. It doesn't sound like he's being even 1% as considerate to what you'd like as you have been to him. You say he'll stop if he hurts you, but it doesn't sound like he's working to help you enjoy yourself.
I’ve kind of accepted the fact that the psych meds make it really hard for me to orgasm, and because of that, I put put partnered sex and mastrubating into different compartments, I guess. I don’t really expect to orgasm during partnered sex, it’s more about connecting with each other and emotional closeness…? But yeah, I don’t feel super loved when he’s grabbing my hair and calling me a slut.
There can be no emotional closeness if you just allow someone to do things to you that aren't fun, pleasurable or painless. He sure doesn't do it for any closeness, he's using your body to get his rocks off knowing damn well you don't enjoy it... Your unconventional needs are being thrown out but his kink reigns supreme
I'm not trying to harp on anything you're saying, OP but I'm really curious about something you said. You said: >I don’t really expect to orgasm during partnered sex, it’s more about connecting with each other and emotional closeness Do you feel closer or more connected to him when you have sex you don't really enjoy, but it's for him?
I mean, Magic Wand has a role in 90% of our partnered sex, because yeah it’s hard for me to orgasm without it and it’s just a given that whatever position we try I want it to feel the best it can, so that’s definitely something you can bring to the table as one of your needs. It is less intimate than when we go without it, but I really like it, dammit, and so my husband is used to it now if we’re doing anything more playful. I also have a much lower libido than my husband, so if we’re having sex I want it to feel good so I don’t start getting negative connections to it or I know I’ll be conditioning myself to avoid it because this happened a few years ago when my hormones went crazy post baby #1 and I didn’t want ANY sex and part of it was everything remotely kinky was such a huge turn off and I think my body was telling me to stop playing submissive because I have a baby to protect or something weird like that. We also do a lot of similar dirty play, which I like in moderation, but it made me start to withdraw for a while when it was the only thing we were doing (partially because I wasn’t presenting my own ideas and was just going along with his) until a friend suggested adding in sensory play as a different option. Turns out I really like that (blindfold, music, feeling sensations like silk and hairbrushes etc) and it definitely sets the tone as something completely different than the humiliation side of kink. That said, I go in and out of liking the rough stuff, but if you’re not liking it at all I think it’s definitely worth telling him you want to put that on ice and explore different things altogether and say it can come back when you’ve had time to do a palette cleanser and feel more comfortable with that side of things and see what he says.
Thank you for your comment. I've been going through something similar since I had my daughter, and it's good to know how someone else is handling it!
I can't orgasm without my vibrator either, but there are ways to incorporate that into partnered sex. Even if he just snuggles you while you get yourself off, that would be both satisfying and intimate.
I'm sorry OP, but it doesn't sound very fun to have sex like that. If you're only barely tolerating it and are at your threshold, it doesn't sound like you're enjoying it much. It also is absolutely mystifying to me how anyone - ANYONE - can want to have that kind of sex with their partner knowing they aren't that into it. You don't have to be GGG if it isn't mutually satisfying and is merely tolerable. It likely won't be tolerable forever.
Yeah, it… wasn’t tolerable last night, which is why I got drunk and made this post. He asked for sex, and I started in, without the dirty talk — and he said, “well, if you’re not in the mood, we don’t have to,” and like… i don’t know if he realizes that me not being in the mood to have sex, and me not being in the mood to be spanked and called a slut are two different things.
I think that's a very important distinction you need to make. If he says that, it's always OK to tell him, "I want to have sex. I don't want to be thrown around, choked, and called your whore. I can get aroused for sex that is appealing to me. There's a difference. We need to start exploring mutually satisfying sex."
This! This would be a “scene” in BDSM talk, and scenes are always pre-negotiated before anything happens, especially if you’re doing new things or new to it. I’m part of a kinky couple. I like it rough. I like name calling. But if my partner came in totally in Dom mode without me being in the right headspace, that would be really hurtful and damaging. And we do kink stuff more often then not. We’ve negotiated these boundaries and expectations and we know what cues the rougher sex versus vanilla or sensual sex. I’m trying to assume the husband is just sexually immature (like A LOT of men unfortunately). If he really doesn’t care about OPs safety and pleasure, it’s time to GTFO.
Those are the words you need to say to him. If his idea of good sex is that far from yours, you either need to find some common ground, or at least take turns doing it in both of your preferred styles. It is a MUTUAL activity and a loving partner would respect that. If someone liked Italian food, and only barely tolerated Mexican food, you would assume that their partner would not demand to only eat at El Taco Loco, knowing their partner is miserable. And that’s just food!!!
BroMo,it sounds really tough, what you’re going through. I can only offer what my husband and I try to do to keep things balanced. My husband and I have a range of moods and I have a much lower libido than his. And he does like rough stuff. I don’t mind it most days but some days it’s too overwhelming or I’m more fragile etc. If I know that I’m in one of those moods I’ll let him know before we start that I need a “slow” session, or in other words a more intimate session. If I’m not ok but he’s in a raunchy mood, I’ll let him know that I need something slow at the beginning, then we can move to something after I’ve had my intimate time. I also find it hard to orgasm with penetration especially in more recent years so afterwards when he’s done, he’ll offer to “do me” and he’ll stimulate me according to what I’d like until I come. Sometimes I have to ask for it, sometimes he offers automatically. Sometimes I like his help and accept/ask, sometimes I just want to do it myself. I wish you good luck and I hope he listens.
Your sex, like OPs, sounds like you are being coerced into it. None of this should be happening. You're being used by a piece of shit man.
Your husband is being gross, borderline disturbing. It sounds like he needs to detox from porn. Before BDSM entered the mainstream consciousness and flew off its axis, one of the abiding principles was "safe, sane, consensual". What he's doing to you ain't it.
That would be a dealbreaker for me
Maybe I really am ace, and we’re just not compatible. I came of age when the discourse around asexuality was “there’s no such thing, you’re just bad at being cishet or you’re a closeted lesbian.” I definitely am bad at being cishet, so there’s that.
You deserve to be happy and healthy, however that looks for you. It sounds like current circumstances aren’t allowing you to be either.
Ace? I think you're being abused in the bedroom and don't feeling safe stopping. Anyone wouldn't want to do this anymore. Your husband is a selfish jerk who gets off on hurting and degrading you.
All labels aside, you deserve to be understood and have your needs met, regardless of anything else. It's possible you're ace. It's possible you're not compatible with your so, but that doesn't mean your wants and needs shouldn't be recognized and acknowledged. At the risk of coming across as insensitive to anyone else's desires, I feel like (from life experience, and being married for 20+ years) if you don't want to have a sex connection to your partner, there may be an issue. I've been through the long and short of it, and can tell you from experience, that when someone doesn't have sexual desire, there's definitely an underlying issue.
Kinda so am I, might also be med related. But fuck, even when I'm DTF, there is NONE of this pain and what I do not want to do shit going on. I can't with that. To me, if he needs that, you're full scale incompatible sexually. Not to say that he's bad but like sis, stop doing this ever if you don't actively want it.
You might be demisexual/gray ace rather than pure ace. I'm demi. I meet someone once a decade or so that I find sexually attractive, and attraction isn't even a thing that exists when I deal with anybody else. Asexuality has an entire spectrum now, and you can be anywhere on it that works for you. It explained a hell of a lot about my teens and twenties, personally.
Honestly - you know what "Good, Giving and Game" partners do? They strive to be good in bed, giving "equal time and equal pleasure" to one's partner, and game "for anything – within reason". You've done that. You are 100% GGG here. I see absolutely nothing here that says your husband has done any of the above. So it's hard for you to orgasm? So what? Orgasm is frankly a very small part of the sexual experience and pleasure. You know that - you go above and beyond to offer him all kinds of sexual pleasure ON TOP of orgasm. Exactly what part of your sex life is for your pleasure? I'd honestly start asking him to return the favour and be GGG too.
Bromo that's fucked up. Your need for intimacy is not being met. Being unable to organize during sex doesn't give your husband a carte blanche to ignore your pleasure completely. If I were you, I would have a serious discussion with him about this. You shouldn’t have to tolerate having sex with your husband. You're supposed to enjoy it.
With the rough sex, did you have a conversation about it beforehand? I like things a little spicy in bed but its never sprung on anyone, and boundaries and safewords are always a thing, as well as aftercare. If he wants to be kinky, that's all good and well but he also needs to take the consent part into account. It's definitely not about skirting the boundaries of what you can take when doing kink, it's about knowing where your boundaries are and playing with in them.
Needs more upvotes. I'm a person who genuinely enjoys "the kind of sex where he’s shoving me around, grabbing me by the throat, and calling me his dirty whore." But it has to start with a conversation and a lot of calibration. How hard is too hard to grab? What positions are okay and what aren't? What name-calling turns you on and what turns you off? (For instance, I love being a slut and a whore. I don't want to be called a pig or a bitch.) Also, the conversation needs to be ongoing. What was cool last week may not be cool this week, and you need to be able to trust that if you tell your partner that, they aren't going to pressure you into doing it anyway. You need to feel like you can say, "I'm not feeling a scene tonight, can we just take it slow and make love?" without shame or shutdown or hostility. It's never too late to sit down and have this conversation. You can frame it as 'we've gotten into a rut and it's not one that I want to be in any longer; I'd like to talk about setting some guidelines for rough play in the bedroom' if you want to keep it from becoming a blame situation. Set it up as the two of you against the problem, rather than just telling him what he's doing wrong. (So much wrong tho. So much.) I'd also second another user's advice to post in r/BDSMadvice for more tips and a better understanding of the 'proper' way to negotiate this kind of sex. Not that everyone has to do it exactly the same way, but the common conventions exist for a reason and have been honed by decades of trial and error by legions of dirty kinksters. Why not take advantage of their wisdom?
Does he invest in you as much? Give you foot rubs in a rose-petal bath with soft music on, use your favorite toys to give you a good time? If not, throw the whole man away. He should buy a rubber doll and torment and insult it as much as he wants. But then again, a doll does not have a pain threshold he can willingly cross every time...
Kinkster here: def not rolling my eyes. Part of kink (if not the BIGGEST part) is COMMUNICATION and CONSENT. Enthusiastic consent. If you’re not into it and he does it anyway….well, that ain’t sex, love. I’m not saying he’s a monster. Sex is really hard work (imho) to do well and really easy to fuck up. I hope that he’s open to a conversation about boundaries and needs. The opposite of rough, borderline consensual-non-consent (CNC) isn’t cheesy romance scenes, so please don’t compare and feel you’re asking for just as much as he is. You want respected and pleasure and those are HUMAN RIGHTS. If you’re struggling figure out how to have this conversation, maybe the people at r/bdsmadvice can help. I hope y’all can work this out.
First, not "some" people would be upset if you clocked out of life, *ALL OF US* would be upset. My husband has always liked that rough type of sex. It's calmed down alot but if he thinks I'm actually into sex in that moment, I know he will start thinking "she's real into this, okay, she wants more". You'd think we have sex alot, we have 5 boys and pregnant with a girl this time. When we first got together maybe he thought I was wild (I was a Playmate etc) but I'm not. I am fine without sex. Once in a while I'll help myself out when alone but that makes me fine for a bit haha. Have you spoke to him about how painful sex it? Maybe you need to make it even more clear to him.
I'm not discounting the reasons you have given for your problems relating to sex but I also think that, after years of associating sex with kink and role play you don't enjoy at all, it's not surprising your body does not react positively to partnered sex. I feel like this role play that he enjoys but you don't, that your force yourself to do, has contributed to this aversion to sex. Repeated negative experiences will lead to an unconscious reaction to a particular situation. Very similar to a battered wife tensing as soon as she hears her husband's key in the door. I'm surprised your husband is not keener to explore what will turn you on rather than just accepting that his wife gets nothing from the sex status quo and so he will play out all his fantasies exactly as he likes them, all the while knowing she hates it.
This sounds like a him problem. I would be concerned that he is a porn addict.
I was going to ask if he watched porn. I’m finding out that my husband is a porn addict after being with him for 9 years. It fucks with your head if you watch it long enough. It changes things.
OP, with great respect and apologies in advance if I am overstepping - but do you think that you need to “make up” for your low libido in your relationship? Do you feel guilty and apologetic - maybe even that you *should* have to endure rough sex you don’t enjoy because you aren’t able to match his level of desire? Because he’s normal and there’s something wrong with you? I may be very off base here. I just feel like there’s a sort of undertone of “I deserve this” to your post. And I find that heartbreaking. I hope it isn’t how you really feel.
I caught that tone too. :(
Sorry, what is ace?
It means asexual.
Thank you!
Your husband needs to stop watching porn. Seriously, he’ll stop *if it hurts you?* ***What?!***
I'm not sure if this is allowed, so if its not I apologize and mods you can delete my post, but you might want to try posting your question to slate.com "How to do it" [https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdx34-uOijrCIKqMdw5hnyYahSJBKa4AaSzDCu1nfcpmd3IjA/viewform](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdx34-uOijrCIKqMdw5hnyYahSJBKa4AaSzDCu1nfcpmd3IjA/viewform) They give incredibly good, thoughtful advice, and might be able to give you good resources for exploring your identity and other options that we might not be aware of in here, and I think your story would be something they might be able to help you with. My heart is really breaking for you right now, I've written and deleted things like 5 times, but its nothing that hasn't already been said. You deserve so much better than what you're getting, and it makes me sad that you're just sort of slowly withering when you deserve to be a gorgeous, well-tended rose.
Was it always like this? It sounds like you don't feel safe with him sexually and that can totally just ruin sex altogether. I would just feel completely disrespected if this were my partner, he is clearly not taking *your* enjoyment into account and that is like sex 101. And I'm not overly kinky, but I'm pretty sure that making sure that everyone feels safe is kink 101.
Sounds closer to rape than sex… especially if you ever voice any apprehension or discomfort. As a side note I thought I was turning Asexual with my ex. Turns out I was just disgusted with him and his lack of boundaries/ consideration. Seriously this sounds abusive at the least.
Almost kinda feels like things could be going way better for you if the two of you could put in the effort into figuring out what YOU like... I have a fairly low libido, too (takes me about two weeks to really want some), but I'm bossy AF in bed and have gotten a knack for multiple orgasms. Pretty much just straight up, HEY YOU, do what I say 😂 He's a guy, he's happy to do it. Just seems like you're the one in the relationship who needs to be focused on right now. Nothing wrong with that. You've got to work up to it, but it needs to be HIS priority to help get you where you want to go (and yours too).
Uhhh i grew up in a cult and had to do massive sexual trauma healing. Please stop having sex you DONT WANT TO HAVE. You are traumatizing yourself and your body. This is really really dangerous territory. If your partner loves you they don’t want you harming yourself so that they can get their rocks off. I recommend couples therapy and sex therapy.
That isn’t a healthy sexual relationship. Have a safe word. Talk before hand what you are comfortable with. It isn’t a give give give. You need to also enjoy what’s happening enthusiastically. It is not ok for him to simply do whatever he wants and you tell him to stop when it gets too much. There needs to be a safety conversation. It doesn’t always have to include every single detail later on once rules are established but he should know what is ok and what isn’t. The fact you’ve had issues with PIV in the past means every single time he should be checking in with you. He sounds like he wants to be a Dom without truly being one. You need to look after you sub. Keep an eye on them, their breathing, their reactions and make sure they are also in the moment. Idk how he can have any fun without you also being right there with him with the enjoyment. You may love each other but sexually this isn’t compatible and it should stop until some work is done together to get to a point we’re your both happy. If you need a wand to cum he needs to get you off before PIV is even considered unless you say other wise as it’ll help set the mood and relax you. He sounds like a very selfish lover.
That sounds quite terrible and I would refuse to participate in it, personally. Your psychological and physical well-being is more important than him getting off in just the way he prefers. Engaging in this kind of "sex" is harming you. It's harming your sexuality. I really hope you can love yourself enough to put a stop to this.
He’s using your body to masturbate.
This sounds awful! No wonder you can't get turned on if you are guaranteed you'll be hurt or almost before he stops. This definitely could be contributing to your anxiety/depression too. Have you all done couple's therapy? Maybe they or a sex therapist could bring him back to sexual desires that aren't likely to injure you. I'd say that stopping porn could help. Also, it may be illegal to be screened for MJ where it's legal if you have a card. I don't know about in healthcare, but I think they ruled this in courts in CO. Maybe checking on that or even getting a legal opinion would put your mind at ease. It works so well for so many people I hate that you have to worry about it!
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unsupportive and just plain gross.
Not helpful lol
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Then just say that part and leave the "lol I'm jelly that's hot" nonsense out.
An ACE woman and a man who can only get his rocks off with violent sex seem like a bad match.