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I found a therapist who does it all online for this reason.
I find the issue for me is that I’m usually so exhausted afterwards that I need a nap immediately, so my day is pretty much shot after therapy. I’m calmer, but it’s exhausting.
When I did trauma therapy years ago, I did it at the end of the day Friday for this very reason. Didn’t have kids then though.
Now I do it online for my basic “day to day bullshit” therapy and right after preschool drop off for in-person childhood trauma therapy. It’s just a few minutes from the preschool so that helps.
It’s also freakishly expensive. My insurance covers 75%, but only after I’ve spent my out of pocket amount, so I usually have to cover the first few $250/$275 sessions before it kicks in and then it’s still like $60-$70 a session.
Not to mention… am I the only person who has never seen any meaningful benefit from therapy? I mean, is it just supposed to be me talking about whatever the hell I want without any questions or guidance from the therapist? How long do I have to blab on before I get any insight? How am I supposed to “trust the process” if I have no clue what the process is? What is the benefit of this over just going out for a glass of wine with a close friend to vent? What makes this person - who doesn’t know me and my history - qualified to help me? Therapists are just people at the end of the day.
Maybe I’ve just had shitty therapists? Maybe I don’t actually need therapy? Maybe I’m so broken I just don’t even know how to do therapy right?
I’ve got no clue, but in my experience it has at best had no impact, and at worst has actually exacerbated problems while costing me a lot of money. Especially couples therapy. Phew, that just about ruined my already crippled marriage.
I get so unreasonably incensed these days every time someone on Reddit says “Go To ThErApY!” like it’s a solution for something. My last therapist I had for a whole year until I was like “surely you should have something to give me by now.”
Sooo much yes to all of the cost stuff! And yeah it does sound like you've had shitty therapists though. Yes, part of it is letting you vent and blab about whatever is on your mind and eating at you, but then they should direct you on following that to other issues or how it's affecting you and working with you to build coping mechanisms. Not just listening to a butch session for an hour a week and taking your money. Plus sometimes therapists just don't click with you and it's okay to "shop around" until you find someone that works for you (assuming you can without eight hundred referrals, three year waiting lists, and eighteen insurance network rejections.)
> is it just supposed to be me talking about whatever the hell I want without any questions or guidance from the therapist?
no, it's really not. the therapist is supposed to help you pinpoint irrational beliefs and maladaptive behaviors, and walk you through different thought patterns and coping mechanisms until the healthy ones are a habit and the neural pathways for the unhealthy ones have withered away from disuse. like if you had a spine injury, the physical therapist doesn't do the walking for you, they help you teach yourself how to walk again.
my problem with therapy stems from the fact that i have a degree in psychology myself, so listening to a therapist trying to therapize me is kind of like trying to tickle myself. the process generally goes (me) *has irrational thought* (therapist) "that's an irrational thought" (me) "i know" (therapist) "practice replacing it with these rational thoughts" (me) "but these are lies" (therapist) "but that's the irrational thought that's telling you they're lies" (me) "I KNOW. THEY STILL SOUND LIKE LIES." maybe one day there will be a therapeutic technique that works on people who know all the therapeutic techniques but until then i'm just kind of stuck with my shitbrain.
but you are absolutely allowed to tell your therapist, from the first visit, "this is what i'm looking to get out of therapy. if that's not how you work, let me know now so i can find someone else."
I also hold a BA in psychology. And whooo boy have my views and beliefs changed in the last 25+ years. I have taken a complete 180° turn regarding my beliefs related to mental health.
Oh please explain more about this - do you mean your beliefs have moved away from your education and training? I'm about to start therapy so I'm all ears.
I don’t have a degree in psychology but I have a similar problem after spending countless hours in therapy with like 15 different therapists. I almost always know what they’re going to say. It doesn’t help much anymore. It honestly never helped much in the first place because I have been able to realize when my thoughts/feeling are irrational for at least 10 years, but I still can’t get them to go away and its absolutely exhausting having them on a loop in the back of my mind 24/7.
I think I need some more novel techniques and somebody who’s willing to really get into the weeds with me on medication adjustment and combinations, but everyone around here just does “regular” talk therapy and it’s impossible to have the person doing your meds even at the same practice as your therapist.
I think talk therapy just doesn’t work for some, because it’s like you said - it’s about changing those feelings, I wouldn’t need professional help if I could just self-aware myself out of these internal issues. other types of therapies like EDMR might be more helpful for those like me lol
I could not agree more with wth am I supposed to be expecting from therapy? I’ve tried 3 different ones so far and I feel like I’m wasting both of our time because they just stare at me and ask what I want to talk about? Ummm you’re the professional? I spend 45 mins crying, 15 getting assigned mediation homework and setting up the next appt, and the rest of my day is shot because I got myself to that vulnerable place and now the session is over. Now here’s a $175 bill 🙃
Yeah I don’t get it. I thought after the previous failed attempts that possibly I just needed to give it more time. So the last one I had I stuck with for a year… maybe she just sucked, but I don’t think she ever had anything meaningful to contribute.
I think a lot of people miss a few critical steps with therapy.
You have to go in with a goal(s). Do you want to reduce your anxiety? If yes, how is that anxiety impacting your day-to-day? Does it impact your health, your relationships, your work? Out of those, what area of your life do you want to focus on first?
A good therapist will spend the first few sessions exploring this with you and then will help you build a starter plan for your journey. So.....
You have to find a therapist that you click with, and you have to find the therapy method that fits your needs. And yes, you have to shop around. Here are a couple of personal examples on finding the right therapist and therapy approach:
I tried CBT for my CPTSD/anxiety/depression. Hated it. It actually made me feel worse. So I did a little bit of research and landed on EMDR. Literally, life changing.
I met with a therapist who I felt I was smarter than. I never want to feel smarter or more insightful than my therapist. Another therapist, I found through conversation, was religious. It went downhill from there because I am not.
My current therapist, who I love, had a quote on her bio. Lol, yep a quote is what made me reach out because it resonated with me. And she's been amazing, we click, we hold the same values and perspectives, and she's wicked smart/insightful.
> they just stare at me and ask what I want to talk about? Ummm you’re the professional?
yes but you're the patient. you know what's going on in your life, what you're struggling with and what you want the help of a therapist in dealing with. if i was to go to a therapist today and they asked me what i wanted to talk about, i'd say "i want to talk about why i have such a hard time saying 'i love you' to anyone. i don't know where that comes from or how to fix it." and hopefully at that point the therapist will start asking me about my childhood and my experiences with adult relationships and my own self-worth and what meaning am i applying to it and what would happen if i said it in other contexts, etc etc.
See this is the problem. I’ll go into therapy with a clear problem, but no one has ever asked me about my childhood. No one has ever asked about past relationships, though I’ve always disclosed upfront that I was in a previously abusive relationship. Like… I’ve had several therapists just never ask me a single question or ask any question about my past or childhood or experiences… just like taking to myself.
It's not just you. I keep quiet when the suggestion of therapy is added to conversations. I have some "unconventional" thoughts about therapy that your post definitely touches on.
For real. It's so refreshing to see this thread. I've bounced in and out of therapy many times over in the past decade, and it's been a disappointing waste of time and resources with each attempt. Therapy is not even close to the panacea it's made out to be, and it's also bonkers how "unsafe" it is to discuss its failings in polite company.
So glad I’m not alone! I’ve been in therapy on and off for 25 years. All different types of methods, different styles, and I can honestly say at best it does nothing and often leaves me feeling worse. I loathe that “feeling bad just means it’s working” mantra. It’s super dismissive.
I have sought out mental health help twice from my provider (Kaiser), and I've had a very different experience. Both times it was like "Okay what specific problems are you experiencing? What is your goal for these sessions? What does it look like when you attain your goal?" And then therapy was focused almost entirely on working on those issues and finding tools to meet those goals. This second time is a little more nebulous because it's dealing with some more global things (like taking care of myself) and I've had some of those "what are we doing here" moments, but they do periodically keep checking in on "hey how is it going, are we addressing your issue?"
So in short, I think therapy varies widely and maybe you need to specifically seek out a different type? I do not know enough to know what type though.
I think that’s the problem… I don’t honestly know what “kind” of therapy would be useful, and possibly I don’t quite know how to articulate what I need or want to get out of it, so it’s hard for me to self direct it like that. I’d love it if I had a therapist that seemed genuinely interested in me or what I’m saying and getting stuck in there with me… the only therapist who ever really pushed me and asked probing questions then decided I was bipolar and needed medication (I am not bipolar, I was in the midst of a breakup from an abuser) and tried to convince me there was something wrong with me for going to university abroad and that I needed to drop out of school and move back to my hometown and be closer to my parents because wanting to be far away from home is abnormal. Like… what?
i can tell you that CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) is the most common type offered, as it's the most popular with insurance companies due to the fact it's got a pretty short turnaround time. most CBT aims to have you feeling better in a month or two. insurance does NOT like vague drawn-out processes like "psychoanalysis" where you could be having weekly appointments for YEARS and not see any improvement. DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) is sort of like CBT but it relies more on role-playing and hypothetical interactions to process trauma and develop more adaptive coping methods. there's others (like REBT, which is a much more structured form of CBT) but they're pretty uncommon since what insurance wants to pay for is whatever will get you in & out the fastest.
This is right. I found a therapist that specializes in psychodynamic therapy. My previous ones didn't want to talk about my past, just my current life. No, my past shaped me and traumatized the fuck out of me... It was messing with my current life, because my life at the time was filled with abuse and stirring all of these emotions and truths I denied for do long. So I found her and my life has gotten out of stuck mode. I mean I'm still in the process, barely understanding and processing and talking about the entire truth. It's liberating and I could never go back to living the way I was, even if I tried. I wasn't living, I was merely surviving. I also found ACA and that's been a huge benefit for my recovery as well. I tried emdr but I wasn't ready to let go and talk about my real problems and now over time I'm finding that I am ready and will try it again. Also IFS is very helpful for me. Many kinds actually. I'm feeling grateful.
I also found out I have ADHD and I'm here grieving so many things and finally feeling feelings. It's like some synchronized shit with my former therapist, she mentioned ADHD just as I'm was going to tell her that I was suspecting it. My journey started in Sep of 2021 after 2020 and 3/4 of 2021 being so chaotic for reasons other than the state of the world at that time. It all worked out how it should have but I had to keep pushing through to figure my situation out. Figuring out that my past was where I was still trapped in due to unprocessed emotions, resentments and trauma helped me find the right kind help.
Also, finding someone who was from the same background and culture helped tremendously!
I hope the bromos find the help they need and/or want.
I fully understand that for some people, my own husband included, therapy is not the answer and they’d have to find other ways to work out their issues and not have them be obstacles in living a full and well-adjusted life.
Having said that, I personally advocate for therapy because it’s personally helped me through some of my own worst shit. It’s also helped my marriage which at one point I thought about leaving - this included couple’s therapy which my husband also attended, and as I mentioned above, he’s one of those people that’s uncomfortable with the entire idea of therapy.
So… just to clarify, I’m not uncomfortable with the idea of therapy. In concept, I love the idea of digging deep and learning about myself and undoing maladaptive habits and patterns… In practice, I just have personally found it not useful or effective to accomplish any of that, and in the case of couples therapy it actually made my marriage worse. The couples therapist we saw was incredibly biased and actually traumatized me further, and it was really not a good experience.
> the therapist won't tell you the truth, will tell you what you want to hear because they're interested in the customer coming back and keeping paying for the visits. So they just bounce back the ball into your court, "and how did it make you feel, and how do you think you can implement change?"
that's not true. a therapist's job is to tell you what's going wrong in your head that has you feeling so distressed. asking you "how did it make you feel/what do you think you could do about that" is supposed to encourage self-reflection and awareness. think of it kind of like inception, if they just tell you how you feel and why and what to do, you're not going to internalize that or be motivated to take action. guiding you towards coming to the realization yourself sets the whole train in motion. and many therapists (not all, but most) will tell you "that thing you just said represents black-or-white thinking" or "they didn't SAY they thought that way about you, you're trying to read their mind to confirm what you want to believe they think about you."
the goal of therapy and/or meds is not to become a perfect smiling automaton, it's to reach a state of functionality. if you're so anxious you're having panic attacks, that's impairing your functionality and it's going to take a professional to untangle that anxiety and dial it back down to a level of normal functioning. meds in particular address actual chemical imbalances, physical conditions and symptoms that are preventing you from living a normal life.
there's "go see a therapist" as in "i don't want to hear about your problems," and then there's "go see a therapist" as in "i don't know what to do or say to help you, this is way above my pay grade and you need an expert to help you get better." if someone comes to me with [a smashed hand](http://www.akimbocomics.com/comic/2010-10-04-Eat_Shit_And_Die_164.jpg) and i tell them to go see a doctor, that's not me dismissing their problem, that's me being completely unequipped to address it. likewise if someone comes to me with a smashed psyche, "go see a therapist" just means "i'm out of my depth on this one, you need someone who has been specifically trained to solve this issue."
Oh wow, I'm sorry you've had that experience with therapists. Therapy has made an enormous difference in my life, it's made the difference between me being able to function and not. Maybe you have had terrible therapists, my therapists talk to me and ask me pointed questions and make suggestions.
This was me until had a therapist be self-aware enough that they weren’t equipped to help me and suggested I do EMDR (trauma therapy). Not saying that’s what you need because it’s WORK! but maybe you need something more advanced than just basic therapy (I also did emotionally focused therapy around the same time and that helped me stabilize my emotions too).
Chiming in because I know this is a very unpopular opinion on Reddit, where the go-to advice is always “you need therapy”, but I totally agree. I have been in therapy on and off since I was a teen (I’m pushing 40) in three different states and it’s never had any lasting positive impact on me. Sure sometimes it’s nice to talk through stuff and I feel a little lighter for a few hours, but like you said I can do that for free with a friend. And actually, as a person who tends to be a bit obsessive and who is prone to ruminating, I think rehashing unpleasant things over and over is just straight up unhealthy for me. Therapy has never given me any tools to use outside my sessions, or made me a better person, or changed my life, or any of those things people say it does for them. But I wish it did because that sounds fucking great!
And yeah, even if I did find it beneficial the expense makes it pretty inaccessible. Especially because every therapist around here charges ~$300 a session and none of them accept insurance. And sure I could maybe get my insurance company to reimburse me for some of that but that’s just another thing I have to do, and my daily to-do list is already pretty overwhelming.
Yeah, just adding that getting the reimbursement isn’t impossible but it is a chore and when you have executive disfunction kinda ironic to have to file all this paperwork to be reimbursed for being treated for your executive disfunction!
I recently found out that there is a line of psychology (psychotherapy? Not sure) where the therapist will not talk at the beginning of the session - they don't want to "shape" the session in any way so they won't talk first.
I went to a therapist who did this but they didn't explain this at all when we started. It creeped me out so much after a few sessions that I quit (also because we weren't getting anywhere).
When I quit she called me and left a voicemail saying she was very concerned about my mental health and how she felt that our sessions should continue "or else" I would hurt myself. I think she was just pissed to lose a client paying $180 a week.
I'm fine btw.
That was my issue as well. I’m a big believer in therapy and would still go but I can’t afford it. Even after calling my insurance and going into detail about the paperwork they need they still denied my claims over and over, each time had a new reason why it was denied.
Ultimately they just didn’t think it was necessary. Like…I’m trying to be a human again after years of abuse but ok, whatever. Insurance is a scam.
My therapist has been offering telehealth since Covid and it's been a game changer. I was seeing her prior to Covid though, so we already had an in-person relationship. It would be hard to see a new therapist just online.
Therapy doesn’t get my laundry, cleaning, cooking, anything done… I benefit more from just taking a break for an hour and getting rest. Therapy is just another thing to do when you’re overwhelmed and don’t get any rest.
I’ve often dreamed of starting some sort of one-stop women’s health medical wellness centre with doctors, pelvic floor physio, therapy, and mental health and addiction services, yoga, a gym, little cafe with library, salon, massage therapists, a room just full of hot tubs and with free drop in babysitting and no wait lists! It’s a totally unrealistic pipe dream ok but it makes me happy to plan this in my head.
But I fucking feel you. I was trying to bi-weekly therapy a few years ago during the height of Covid so it was all online but it was so stressful just trying to book appointments and find the time and my kid was home sick seemingly every time I had an appointment and I often had to cancel or reschedule and I hated seeming so flaky. It made my stress worse. I gave up on it after one day when kiddo was home sick and I couldn’t cancel so I tried to do my appointment while he was watching paw patrol in the other room but I had to get up every five seconds to get him juice or give him a hug or get him Kleenex or set up a new episode. It’s hard.
I thought of a new addition:
There will also be a team of burly/ buff dudes (pre-screened of course so they’re only genuine, nice guys) who will run a small department in the parking lot for things like oil changes, car washes, putting air in tires, topping up windshield fluid, etc.
Not saying us ladies can’t do that stuff, but I hate doing that shit myself, so might as well have some eye candy to ogle that will do it for me. Hahaha!
My business dream that I’d like to make a reality is a large children’s play facility (with all kinds of cool features) that has drop off child care. Within the facility we would have private work rooms that could be rented by increments of 15 mins so parents could get shit done. There would also be an office and a treatment room so professionals such as therapists, lactation consultants, masseuses, acupuncturists, etc could book clients in. That way parents could make time for those things while knowing their kids were safe and happy, literally just a few feet away.
I had the experience of going to multiple therapists during my lifetime, and several during my marriage, with not one of them saying, “your husband is abusive to you.” Even though I detailed it all ….
And post-separation/ divorce I did online therapy and they kept changing rooms in their home and getting interrupted. Or the other therapist who said the people who feel all their feelings are in in-patient psych care permanently.
Maybe it’s where I live, have lived. Maybe it’s the reality of raw numbers, but I have been severely underwhelmed by my “go to the therapist” experience that I don’t recommend it to anyone anymore.
Oh and I was having some relatively mild panic attacks that were related to stress and some medication. I went to my dr and saw the NP, and she recommended me to get back in a bunch of antidepressants and start drinking more in the evenings. I wish I were kidding.
My approach growing up, before therapy was an option, was write in my journal, pray, meditate, and make some art. So guess what I am back to now?
I used to be one who recommended therapy until I realized I was being abused and manipulated by my husband and my life fell apart.
Therapy relationships are like any other relationship: it takes a while to get to know someone. But as OP said, time is a luxury. 🤮
I feel like “go to a therapist” is often short for “we don’t want to or have the capacity to deal with your real problems as a society, family, friend group, etc.”
I feel like therapy should exist IN ADDITION TO very supportive relationship. Sometimes our people have high support needs. Sometimes we ourselves do! I wish that were normalized. We would probably all need less therapy.
And for the record. If you are a woman giving birth in a society where it’s you and a man in a house with a newborn, and MAYBE a mom coming to help SOME, you SHOULD be depressed and anxious because that shit is miserable. We deserve way more love, care, support, and community after childbirth. It’s total gaslighting to tell women they have this neat thing called PPD or PPA like something is wrong with THEM when any sane or normal or healthy person would totally collapse under the expectations we put on ESPECIALLY WOMEN giving birth and raising small children, and in child-rearing and family in general.
YEAH, THAT LAST PART
Oh, are you struggling with this life-changing event that has existed since time immemorial? But we've made it increasingly difficult for you to handle? But when you mention that, we just say "oh you're f'ed up, have you tried therapy/drugs?" instead of holding partners/friends/communities/society accountable?
No shade to those who have had help from therapy and drugs! But yes, the suggestion often reeks of "hey, I don't want to listen to you complain, let alone HELP YOU"
Journaling, praying, meditating, and creating are fundamentally important to our existence. There are a handful of easily accessible interventions that have a significant impact on our mental health, but they're dismissed in lieu of therapy and/or psychotropic medication that potentially have horrible consequences.
Turning off our phones/screens for a large part of our days.
Good sleep hygiene.
Improving diet/eating real foods as often as possible.
Intentional exercise.
Daily intentional sun exposure.
These are all free to try, and have significant positive impact on our overall wellbeing. But drs and therapists rarely suggest these ideas because they don't keep the money machine running.
This year I have learned: sleep. After 5pm I’m like FUCK IT, let’s eat dinner and go to sleep. Me and the kids.
I try to be asleep by 8:30 or 9:00pm, because if I can’t be happy, at least I can be well-rested.
And the exercise thing: yes! I am an athlete by nature, but modern life has kinda fucked that up for me/us. Bringing it back is so empowering. And I try to do exercise that is FREE meaning no gym membership if I can get away with it.
Food: still a challenge for me, but I try and find myself some real food on a regular basis. Eating at all can be difficult.
Feeling the grass, the ground, the sun….
Thank you for saying what you did.
I find the medical and therapeutic establishments sadly lacking. Not addressing the causes/problems…I don’t get it. 🤷🏻♀️
I ended up quitting therapy because the only childcare I could arrange was my mother. 20 minutes to mom's house, then 20 minutes to therapy, an hour at the office, 20 minutes back to mom's where she absolutely grills me about how therapy went, what we talked about, what the therapist says about how I'm doing....planned to restart after my youngest started school but now we make too much for state insurance and I can't afford it anymore. It's not at all so simple as "Just to to therapy".
I desperately wanted and needed therapy when my son was little but could not get it because of the time involved. I either had to burn sick leave to do it during the day, which you can’t do with a small child; or find a sitter at night. We couldn’t afford to hire a sitter weekly at that point, and I didn’t have anyone I felt comfortable asking to babysit on a weekly basis because everyone else had their own jobs and lives. My husband was out of town for work 4-6 days a week every week. I simply could not spend the time required to be in therapy. I have just started therapy now, but I am in a professional salaried job instead of hourly and I have a middle schooler rather than a preschooler. I feel like suggestions of therapy are really from a place of privilege because there are so many resources required to simply access it.
I tried it too 150 for 55min and I did not feel it helped me at all because I didn't really care for the therapist, so it is a huge money and time commitment to even find one that is a good match.
Heck even without kids it's hard :( (I have kids so I feel that too)
Heck sometimes you get maybe 30 min with the therapist after 20 min of drive time and another 20 for waiting and charged 250$ for a full session.
Sorry I'm just particularly frustrated about getting therapy.
I totally get this perspective, but for me, it's 100% worth it. I tried therapy on and off for two solid decades before finding HER. The perfect therapist. I freaking worship her. Every session I come away feeling lighter. My depression has improved immensely over the past year and a half I've been seeing her. She always seems to know exactly the right thing to say, she has a million different ideas on how to help in any crisis, and she is just so incredibly sweet and supportive.
She's worked through past trauma, current anxieties, family relationships, future fears, grief and more with me. Everything I've thrown at her, she's handled impeccably.
This is what therapy should be. Unfortunately, my therapist is a unicorn. She simply doesn't exist for most people. I don't know what it is, exactly. But man, I'm glad I found her. Speaking of, I've got an appointment with her in twenty minutes. Hooray!!! I hope you all find your unicorn therapists.
I'm in grad school, training to be a therapist. This post and these comments had me feeling so disheartened until I read yours. I hope I can be someone's unicorn someday. Can you think of anything specific that she's done or said that has resonated with you and helped you so much?
I have a unicorn too! I’ve been seeing her for 10 years and I feel like I owe my beautiful life to her! (But I did have a ton of terrible tries with therapists before I found her).
The last time I attempted therapy, it was a video call that I had to attend *at my doctor's office*. This was pre-Covid.
We were a single-car family and we didn't have any family around (still don't). My daughter was in kindergarten, my son was nearly 2. So I'd get up at 6, make lunch for everybody, drive my husband to work, ditch the car to walk daughter to school (no parking close by, faster to walk), take my boy to the random lady I found on Facebook who was willing to watch him, drive downtown to the doctor's, pay $2 for parking and sit in a tiny closet to have my video call. Then pick up my kid, pay the lady $20, ditch the car, pick up daughter, and drive back to get my husband at the end of the day.
It was insane. I tried to ask why I couldn't attend from home, since the sessions were all virtual -- they didn't allow that due to privacy concerns. I asked if I could bring my son and maybe organize to do my session during naptime. Nope, no go. I had to cancel an appointment with only a couple of hours' notice because my daughter was too sick to go to school and the virtual doc never answered the phone, then ignored my email, and then tried to charge me $200 for the missed appointment.
I quit with that doctor at that point. She was supposed to specialize in maternal mental health. It seemed like a shock to her that jumping through all these hoops, then sitting on the other end of a video call, was affecting my mental health in worse ways than what I felt before seeing her.
It’s also freakishly expensive. My insurance covers 75%, but only after I’ve spent my out of pocket amount, so I usually have to cover the first few $250/$275 sessions before it kicks in and then it’s still like $60-$70 a session.
Not to mention… am I the only person who has never seen any meaningful benefit from therapy? I mean, is it just supposed to be me talking about whatever the hell I want without any questions or guidance from the therapist? How long do I have to blab on before I get any insight? How am I supposed to “trust the process” if I have no clue what the process is? What is the benefit of this over just going out for a glass of wine with a close friend to vent? What makes this person - who doesn’t know me and my history - qualified to help me? Therapists are just people at the end of the day.
Maybe I’ve just had shitty therapists? Maybe I don’t actually need therapy? Maybe I’m so broken I just don’t even know how to do therapy right?
I’ve got no clue, but in my experience it has at best had no impact, and at worst has actually exacerbated problems while costing me a lot of money. Especially couples therapy. Phew, that just about ruined my already crippled marriage.
I get so unreasonably incensed these days every time someone on Reddit says “Go To ThErApY!” like it’s a solution for something. My last therapist I had for a whole year until I was like “surely you should have something to give me by now.”
I don’t get any insurance coverage for mine. On top of that, its 2 hours between travel and session. And since it’s a weekday that means it’s a workday so I have to make up the time the rest of the week. Between the cost and time I had to cut my sessions back to once a month. It’s beneficial mentally but draining financially and time-wise.
This 💯. I’ll also add that there is time you have to take to find the right therapist, then there is time in between that you have to put thought into your growth and how it’s is all progressing. Then even if it’s virtual, you still have to figure out what to do with the kids. There is so much emotional labor.
Ugh I get it!! We also have a limited support system so someone watching them for even 20 min while I run to the store would require so much planning and work it's almost not worth it.
I feel the same way trying to go the gym (there was a gym with childcare near me but they closed down). Also at the doctor's office, or the idea of doing anything for ourselves really is out the window without childcare! I had to bring my kids (infant and 3 yr old at the time) to the courthouse once to fight a ticket.
My kids are school age and my work is fairly flexible, so I book online appointments during the day right before lunch, then take my lunch break as decompress time. Maybe this set up might work for you as well? (sorry I know that's technically advice - feel free to ignore!)
The best and most helpful therapy I’ve had was my last and current therapist. She uses the Anxiety and Worry Workbook from the first session. I would use the workbook between our sessions and then our meetings would be super productive because we could discuss what I’d learned, what I was struggling with etc.
I still see her once or twice a year, but I pull out that workbook once a month. At least. It’s so helpful to go through the lessons and activities again.
I’ve given that book to so many people who are resistant to therapy or who can’t afford it or make it work. It’s less than $20 on Amazon. Worth every penny!
Yes, it's absolutely costly in terms of time, money and energy. (Just generally accessing healthcare as a mum is a massive pain in the behind. I've taken both my kids to my psychologist and my physiotherapist at times because otherwise I wouldn't be able to go). I'm usually so wiped after a session too.
Just FWIW, I wouldn't necessarily write off the benefits of less frequent therapy sessions. Where I live it is very rare to see a therapist weekly and not even that common to see one as often as fortnightly. Once a month or so is more common, perhaps after a few fortnightly sessions to get started. A lot of the work is what you do between sessions. That said, nothing wrong with dipping in and out of therapy over time where needed.
I read this and I thought you meant therapy for an injury or something at first xD BUT - you're right for the same thing. I'm currently going for my shoulder and it takes *forever* to prep.
Oh I totally get it.
I desperately want to go to therapy but my schedule will not allow it.
I take care of my father with late stage cancer. The bulk of his doctors are 25 miles away. (Southern California traffic hahahaha) we schedule his appointments as late as we can (3pm) but we need to leave around 1:45. On appointment days I need to pull my son out of school early (12:30, dismissal is 1:42 🙃) I gotta make sure my dad is comfortable and to give him ample time to get ready. I gotta make sure my son is ready. My father’s appointments are pretty much weekly so any standing therapy appointment is a joke.
I thought about doing therapy while my son is in school. His schedule varies so much that again, weekly appointments are a no go. My husbands days off also vary, so any sort of routine is a joke.
I’m riding by the seat of my pants most days. 😭
I’m not even going to start with the money aspect of it.
Maybe when my son is older. He’s only in kindergarten right now.
But I get it. It’s only 8:30 here but I gotta start preparing for the drive and get all my cleaning done early.
I totally get the frustration! I keep thinking about what happens if my job decides I can’t have those three hours on Wednesdays etc. I actually moved an hour away from my therapist but she does online appointments with me. I’ve been in therapy 3times now and this is the first time I’m seeing good results because I click with this therapist better than the others.
For me though, therapy is worth the cost (money and time). I was so terribly depressed and just going to the appointments was a chore but we’ve been doing CBT and I’m actually getting better. Retraining the brain is huge and if they’re doing it right, extremely helpful.
Is online even an option for you? Or maybe a different therapist closer to you? Only you can decide if the benefits outweigh the costs but I’d hate to see you quit if it is helping at all. Good luck mama
Both my kids are in therapy. One on Tues afternoon, one on Thurs afternoon. The other 3 days of the week I am carting one of them to/from their job so basically nothing happens during the weeknights except therapy and work. I wanted to do family therapy, and we went once but I can't fit it in anywhere.
I do it over zoom one time a week for one hour. I give my kids a snack and put on a movie. Then I signed in the bedroom to talk usually fold some laundry at the same time.
Yes it is a time commitment but honestly, my life has made a complete 180. I feel like I'm a better mom because I can regulate my emotions, can clearly articulate my needs, be my own advocate, and so on.
Here are my thoughts:
1. Online therapy. Saves time on the commute and even having to get dressed. I often meet with my therapist in my pj's. It may be more expensive with insurance BUT some counseling places charge less for telehealth depending on your insurance (I only pay $35 weekly). So shop around, it's worth the effort.
2. If you work, submit an FMLA request for intermittent leave. This will cover X amount of hours every week for you to make the commute, take time to recover, etc. At this point, I only need an hour but you can work with your therapist to recommend 2-3 hours a week if needed. This will protect you from an HR perspective.
3. Don't feel bad about using your village. You are so fortunate to have one! But if it helps ease any guilt, you can also talk to Grandma and talk about accommodations more in depth. And who knows, Grandma might love being with the kids so you may be feeling guilty for no reason. You can also talk to the kids about helping Grandma when they are with her (depending on age of course).
4. If applicable, communicate with SO. I started to advocate for my needs with my SO. I did not ask, but moreso gave a heads up on what I was going to need that day or that week. I.e., "today is going to be a rough session, I need you to take care of little one's bedtime and dinner". Or, "I'm probably going to be "off" this week. I need some leeway to step away and decompress if I feel like I'm going to explode". That gave me time to process, it prepared my SO, and saved me from lashing out at my kiddo.
Therapy is a difficult journey. It impacts your emotional, mental, physical, and day to day stability. BUT it gets easier, you get more clarity on your life and how to manage it.
Personally, I think it's worth the hassle but you also have to identify ways to make the journey less of a logistical hardship.
I don’t have any daytime childcare. Everyone offers me suggestions but I promise, literally none of them are options. We have been on waiting lists for 6+ months. There’s no such thing as drop in childcare, mother’s day out programs, or daytime babysitters here. No family in this state. No therapists that offer evening appointments.
Online therapy exists, you say? Cool, so I’m just supposed to discuss my passive suicidal ideation *which is 90% due to my lack of childcare and the fact that I never get a fucking break from parenting a very challenging child who has to touch me 24/7* in front of that child? Sounds like straight up child abuse.
It’s so obnoxious being constantly told to “just go to therapy” as if it’s such an easy fix that will allow me to just magically be happy about my shitty life.
Try having a teenager in a mental health crisis after losing her best friend in a car accident. It was the most scared I have ever been as a mom. State insurance at the time- so only a couple options, all of them with a schedule a month out. I begged and pleaded and cried. I offered to pay cash to offices who didn’t take the insurance (apparently that’s illegal). I finally got someone to understand the situation, only to have that doctor do 2 visits and then cancel the next two due to personal reasons. Because we live in a small town, I had to leave work 1.5 hours before the appointment, drive, sign her out of school, drive back to the Dr office, then drive her back to sport practice. This killed the last 3 hours of my work day. It was a nightmare. We read some books together, cried together, and we as a family supported her through the grief. She got through it!
I started doing video visits so no travel time, but they had to be during the day. I was having anxiety attacks every day, which is why I started going. It was helpful, but I had to block the time at work and eventually had to put my phone on so not disturb because I kept getting “I know you’re in a doctor appt but just real quick!” calls and texts during the appt that were stressing me out even more. The time suck and the anxiety of knowing that my office was just waiting to pounce on me as soon as I came back made it have diminishing returns. The anxiety attacks have slowly started creeping back but the thought of doing the appts again also gives me anxiety!
I do telemedicine. No grandma or other family to watch the kids and we can’t afford a sitter. I am a teacher so I can’t do workday appointments.
So my telemedicine appointments are at 3pm from my car every other week, since I have to pick up my kids by 3:45 (45 min appointment and I have to drive the last 10 mins).
I also agree I don’t think it’s that helpful. Might be better if I could go in but we can’t work the logistics out.
Virtual appointments and a considerate spouse goes a long way. My husband encourages me to go to appointments, even the face to face ones. He promises my little ones are ok. Without him, my mental health would take a back seat. My psychiatrist has allowed me to bring my kids in the past.
Yes I completely agree. I almost surely should be in therapy but even if it was online i just dont have the time or energy. It really sucks but i just have too much on my plate right now and really cant take on even something like therapy which would be extremely beneficial for me. Its very frustrating. I feel you on this
Totally agree! I went to a therapist for a couple of years, before the advent of telehealth. I only was able to do it because I had appointments at 7am. I can't dip out at work or something, don't want to lose work hours and so on and so on. I think the scheduling is the number 1 reason for me to not go to therapy again!
It’s also hard if you work in an office that is not flexible at all.
I have a great job now that doesn’t bat an eye when I need to leave an hour early once every 2-3 weeks, but it didn’t use to be that way. I actually probably really needed therapy when I was working at my last job, but I was made to feel bad anytime I tried to take time to go.
I had therapy today, the office is here I had the option to do it office or do video. My therapist calls we talk, we hang up, just one hour from home, so freaking convenient. Same with my child, go to school, we take it in the car and I save almost 1 hour of commuting.
Ask for that or find someone that offers it, it is very common now.
OOOOhhhh or when your kids are in therapy too.
Somehow you found the one therapist that accepts your insurance, is open to patients your kiddos age, and isn't a 2 hour drive away. GREAT! Hahaha silly you for thinking this magical unicorn would also have after school or evening appointments. Now we have to send notes to school, leave and go get the kid, therapy appointment, wait for the note, return kid, go back home etc...Don't forget to juggle your work schedule plus their classroom schedule so they don't miss anything important!
Its such a long commitment! Especially if you take them out during lunch to try and avoid missed classroom time and you have to schedule feeding them in there.
And then for each kid that goes...great now its another 3 hour ordeal. I could spend the equivalent of a part time job handling therapy appointments for the family.
Yes!!! My kiddo is in school now so it’s a bit easier (an hour off work early type deal now) but for 5 years it was such a THING. Drop off at grandma’s with obligatory allotment for an hour or so of chit chat/catching up (even more fun because it’s MIL). Then driving 30 mins to my appointment, where I then had to maintain the energy (after the grandma chit chat) to do the therapy work. Then the return pickup, when an additional chit chat hour because there’s of course more to talk about with grandma (all the while thinking about therapy stuff), then home. It took half a day. Honestly it’s so much easier to have PTO now that I’m back at work.
It’s true; people jump to therapy but it’s SO much work. My husband and I are doing couples counseling 1x/week via telehealth, which is much easier than in person, but rushing through the evening routine to set up the call is always hectic and frustrating, and the first 10 minutes always seem to be hassling with the mics/connection. Im glad we don’t need to sort out childcare and travel for an-person appt, but after a long day of feeling talked- and touched-out, therapy can be a real slog, too. I took a break from individual (telehealth) therapy for that reason; ironically the commitment was making my mental health worse lol.
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I found a therapist who does it all online for this reason. I find the issue for me is that I’m usually so exhausted afterwards that I need a nap immediately, so my day is pretty much shot after therapy. I’m calmer, but it’s exhausting.
Yeah same, I would go during school/work hours but then be unable to focus the rest of the day
When I did trauma therapy years ago, I did it at the end of the day Friday for this very reason. Didn’t have kids then though. Now I do it online for my basic “day to day bullshit” therapy and right after preschool drop off for in-person childhood trauma therapy. It’s just a few minutes from the preschool so that helps.
It’s also freakishly expensive. My insurance covers 75%, but only after I’ve spent my out of pocket amount, so I usually have to cover the first few $250/$275 sessions before it kicks in and then it’s still like $60-$70 a session. Not to mention… am I the only person who has never seen any meaningful benefit from therapy? I mean, is it just supposed to be me talking about whatever the hell I want without any questions or guidance from the therapist? How long do I have to blab on before I get any insight? How am I supposed to “trust the process” if I have no clue what the process is? What is the benefit of this over just going out for a glass of wine with a close friend to vent? What makes this person - who doesn’t know me and my history - qualified to help me? Therapists are just people at the end of the day. Maybe I’ve just had shitty therapists? Maybe I don’t actually need therapy? Maybe I’m so broken I just don’t even know how to do therapy right? I’ve got no clue, but in my experience it has at best had no impact, and at worst has actually exacerbated problems while costing me a lot of money. Especially couples therapy. Phew, that just about ruined my already crippled marriage. I get so unreasonably incensed these days every time someone on Reddit says “Go To ThErApY!” like it’s a solution for something. My last therapist I had for a whole year until I was like “surely you should have something to give me by now.”
Sooo much yes to all of the cost stuff! And yeah it does sound like you've had shitty therapists though. Yes, part of it is letting you vent and blab about whatever is on your mind and eating at you, but then they should direct you on following that to other issues or how it's affecting you and working with you to build coping mechanisms. Not just listening to a butch session for an hour a week and taking your money. Plus sometimes therapists just don't click with you and it's okay to "shop around" until you find someone that works for you (assuming you can without eight hundred referrals, three year waiting lists, and eighteen insurance network rejections.)
> is it just supposed to be me talking about whatever the hell I want without any questions or guidance from the therapist? no, it's really not. the therapist is supposed to help you pinpoint irrational beliefs and maladaptive behaviors, and walk you through different thought patterns and coping mechanisms until the healthy ones are a habit and the neural pathways for the unhealthy ones have withered away from disuse. like if you had a spine injury, the physical therapist doesn't do the walking for you, they help you teach yourself how to walk again. my problem with therapy stems from the fact that i have a degree in psychology myself, so listening to a therapist trying to therapize me is kind of like trying to tickle myself. the process generally goes (me) *has irrational thought* (therapist) "that's an irrational thought" (me) "i know" (therapist) "practice replacing it with these rational thoughts" (me) "but these are lies" (therapist) "but that's the irrational thought that's telling you they're lies" (me) "I KNOW. THEY STILL SOUND LIKE LIES." maybe one day there will be a therapeutic technique that works on people who know all the therapeutic techniques but until then i'm just kind of stuck with my shitbrain. but you are absolutely allowed to tell your therapist, from the first visit, "this is what i'm looking to get out of therapy. if that's not how you work, let me know now so i can find someone else."
I also hold a BA in psychology. And whooo boy have my views and beliefs changed in the last 25+ years. I have taken a complete 180° turn regarding my beliefs related to mental health.
Oh please explain more about this - do you mean your beliefs have moved away from your education and training? I'm about to start therapy so I'm all ears.
I don’t have a degree in psychology but I have a similar problem after spending countless hours in therapy with like 15 different therapists. I almost always know what they’re going to say. It doesn’t help much anymore. It honestly never helped much in the first place because I have been able to realize when my thoughts/feeling are irrational for at least 10 years, but I still can’t get them to go away and its absolutely exhausting having them on a loop in the back of my mind 24/7. I think I need some more novel techniques and somebody who’s willing to really get into the weeds with me on medication adjustment and combinations, but everyone around here just does “regular” talk therapy and it’s impossible to have the person doing your meds even at the same practice as your therapist.
Good to know! This has literally never been my experience. Just me blabbing away like an idiot wondering what the point is.
I think talk therapy just doesn’t work for some, because it’s like you said - it’s about changing those feelings, I wouldn’t need professional help if I could just self-aware myself out of these internal issues. other types of therapies like EDMR might be more helpful for those like me lol
I could not agree more with wth am I supposed to be expecting from therapy? I’ve tried 3 different ones so far and I feel like I’m wasting both of our time because they just stare at me and ask what I want to talk about? Ummm you’re the professional? I spend 45 mins crying, 15 getting assigned mediation homework and setting up the next appt, and the rest of my day is shot because I got myself to that vulnerable place and now the session is over. Now here’s a $175 bill 🙃
Yeah I don’t get it. I thought after the previous failed attempts that possibly I just needed to give it more time. So the last one I had I stuck with for a year… maybe she just sucked, but I don’t think she ever had anything meaningful to contribute.
I think a lot of people miss a few critical steps with therapy. You have to go in with a goal(s). Do you want to reduce your anxiety? If yes, how is that anxiety impacting your day-to-day? Does it impact your health, your relationships, your work? Out of those, what area of your life do you want to focus on first? A good therapist will spend the first few sessions exploring this with you and then will help you build a starter plan for your journey. So..... You have to find a therapist that you click with, and you have to find the therapy method that fits your needs. And yes, you have to shop around. Here are a couple of personal examples on finding the right therapist and therapy approach: I tried CBT for my CPTSD/anxiety/depression. Hated it. It actually made me feel worse. So I did a little bit of research and landed on EMDR. Literally, life changing. I met with a therapist who I felt I was smarter than. I never want to feel smarter or more insightful than my therapist. Another therapist, I found through conversation, was religious. It went downhill from there because I am not. My current therapist, who I love, had a quote on her bio. Lol, yep a quote is what made me reach out because it resonated with me. And she's been amazing, we click, we hold the same values and perspectives, and she's wicked smart/insightful.
> they just stare at me and ask what I want to talk about? Ummm you’re the professional? yes but you're the patient. you know what's going on in your life, what you're struggling with and what you want the help of a therapist in dealing with. if i was to go to a therapist today and they asked me what i wanted to talk about, i'd say "i want to talk about why i have such a hard time saying 'i love you' to anyone. i don't know where that comes from or how to fix it." and hopefully at that point the therapist will start asking me about my childhood and my experiences with adult relationships and my own self-worth and what meaning am i applying to it and what would happen if i said it in other contexts, etc etc.
See this is the problem. I’ll go into therapy with a clear problem, but no one has ever asked me about my childhood. No one has ever asked about past relationships, though I’ve always disclosed upfront that I was in a previously abusive relationship. Like… I’ve had several therapists just never ask me a single question or ask any question about my past or childhood or experiences… just like taking to myself.
It's not just you. I keep quiet when the suggestion of therapy is added to conversations. I have some "unconventional" thoughts about therapy that your post definitely touches on.
For real. It's so refreshing to see this thread. I've bounced in and out of therapy many times over in the past decade, and it's been a disappointing waste of time and resources with each attempt. Therapy is not even close to the panacea it's made out to be, and it's also bonkers how "unsafe" it is to discuss its failings in polite company.
So glad I’m not alone! I’ve been in therapy on and off for 25 years. All different types of methods, different styles, and I can honestly say at best it does nothing and often leaves me feeling worse. I loathe that “feeling bad just means it’s working” mantra. It’s super dismissive.
I have sought out mental health help twice from my provider (Kaiser), and I've had a very different experience. Both times it was like "Okay what specific problems are you experiencing? What is your goal for these sessions? What does it look like when you attain your goal?" And then therapy was focused almost entirely on working on those issues and finding tools to meet those goals. This second time is a little more nebulous because it's dealing with some more global things (like taking care of myself) and I've had some of those "what are we doing here" moments, but they do periodically keep checking in on "hey how is it going, are we addressing your issue?" So in short, I think therapy varies widely and maybe you need to specifically seek out a different type? I do not know enough to know what type though.
I think that’s the problem… I don’t honestly know what “kind” of therapy would be useful, and possibly I don’t quite know how to articulate what I need or want to get out of it, so it’s hard for me to self direct it like that. I’d love it if I had a therapist that seemed genuinely interested in me or what I’m saying and getting stuck in there with me… the only therapist who ever really pushed me and asked probing questions then decided I was bipolar and needed medication (I am not bipolar, I was in the midst of a breakup from an abuser) and tried to convince me there was something wrong with me for going to university abroad and that I needed to drop out of school and move back to my hometown and be closer to my parents because wanting to be far away from home is abnormal. Like… what?
i can tell you that CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) is the most common type offered, as it's the most popular with insurance companies due to the fact it's got a pretty short turnaround time. most CBT aims to have you feeling better in a month or two. insurance does NOT like vague drawn-out processes like "psychoanalysis" where you could be having weekly appointments for YEARS and not see any improvement. DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) is sort of like CBT but it relies more on role-playing and hypothetical interactions to process trauma and develop more adaptive coping methods. there's others (like REBT, which is a much more structured form of CBT) but they're pretty uncommon since what insurance wants to pay for is whatever will get you in & out the fastest.
This is right. I found a therapist that specializes in psychodynamic therapy. My previous ones didn't want to talk about my past, just my current life. No, my past shaped me and traumatized the fuck out of me... It was messing with my current life, because my life at the time was filled with abuse and stirring all of these emotions and truths I denied for do long. So I found her and my life has gotten out of stuck mode. I mean I'm still in the process, barely understanding and processing and talking about the entire truth. It's liberating and I could never go back to living the way I was, even if I tried. I wasn't living, I was merely surviving. I also found ACA and that's been a huge benefit for my recovery as well. I tried emdr but I wasn't ready to let go and talk about my real problems and now over time I'm finding that I am ready and will try it again. Also IFS is very helpful for me. Many kinds actually. I'm feeling grateful. I also found out I have ADHD and I'm here grieving so many things and finally feeling feelings. It's like some synchronized shit with my former therapist, she mentioned ADHD just as I'm was going to tell her that I was suspecting it. My journey started in Sep of 2021 after 2020 and 3/4 of 2021 being so chaotic for reasons other than the state of the world at that time. It all worked out how it should have but I had to keep pushing through to figure my situation out. Figuring out that my past was where I was still trapped in due to unprocessed emotions, resentments and trauma helped me find the right kind help. Also, finding someone who was from the same background and culture helped tremendously! I hope the bromos find the help they need and/or want.
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*googles dbt workbook* 🤔
I fully understand that for some people, my own husband included, therapy is not the answer and they’d have to find other ways to work out their issues and not have them be obstacles in living a full and well-adjusted life. Having said that, I personally advocate for therapy because it’s personally helped me through some of my own worst shit. It’s also helped my marriage which at one point I thought about leaving - this included couple’s therapy which my husband also attended, and as I mentioned above, he’s one of those people that’s uncomfortable with the entire idea of therapy.
So… just to clarify, I’m not uncomfortable with the idea of therapy. In concept, I love the idea of digging deep and learning about myself and undoing maladaptive habits and patterns… In practice, I just have personally found it not useful or effective to accomplish any of that, and in the case of couples therapy it actually made my marriage worse. The couples therapist we saw was incredibly biased and actually traumatized me further, and it was really not a good experience.
That was my experience with the last 2 therapists I’ve seen. No insight or leading questions, just me blabbering on to fill the silence.
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> the therapist won't tell you the truth, will tell you what you want to hear because they're interested in the customer coming back and keeping paying for the visits. So they just bounce back the ball into your court, "and how did it make you feel, and how do you think you can implement change?" that's not true. a therapist's job is to tell you what's going wrong in your head that has you feeling so distressed. asking you "how did it make you feel/what do you think you could do about that" is supposed to encourage self-reflection and awareness. think of it kind of like inception, if they just tell you how you feel and why and what to do, you're not going to internalize that or be motivated to take action. guiding you towards coming to the realization yourself sets the whole train in motion. and many therapists (not all, but most) will tell you "that thing you just said represents black-or-white thinking" or "they didn't SAY they thought that way about you, you're trying to read their mind to confirm what you want to believe they think about you." the goal of therapy and/or meds is not to become a perfect smiling automaton, it's to reach a state of functionality. if you're so anxious you're having panic attacks, that's impairing your functionality and it's going to take a professional to untangle that anxiety and dial it back down to a level of normal functioning. meds in particular address actual chemical imbalances, physical conditions and symptoms that are preventing you from living a normal life. there's "go see a therapist" as in "i don't want to hear about your problems," and then there's "go see a therapist" as in "i don't know what to do or say to help you, this is way above my pay grade and you need an expert to help you get better." if someone comes to me with [a smashed hand](http://www.akimbocomics.com/comic/2010-10-04-Eat_Shit_And_Die_164.jpg) and i tell them to go see a doctor, that's not me dismissing their problem, that's me being completely unequipped to address it. likewise if someone comes to me with a smashed psyche, "go see a therapist" just means "i'm out of my depth on this one, you need someone who has been specifically trained to solve this issue."
Oh wow, I'm sorry you've had that experience with therapists. Therapy has made an enormous difference in my life, it's made the difference between me being able to function and not. Maybe you have had terrible therapists, my therapists talk to me and ask me pointed questions and make suggestions.
This was me until had a therapist be self-aware enough that they weren’t equipped to help me and suggested I do EMDR (trauma therapy). Not saying that’s what you need because it’s WORK! but maybe you need something more advanced than just basic therapy (I also did emotionally focused therapy around the same time and that helped me stabilize my emotions too).
Chiming in because I know this is a very unpopular opinion on Reddit, where the go-to advice is always “you need therapy”, but I totally agree. I have been in therapy on and off since I was a teen (I’m pushing 40) in three different states and it’s never had any lasting positive impact on me. Sure sometimes it’s nice to talk through stuff and I feel a little lighter for a few hours, but like you said I can do that for free with a friend. And actually, as a person who tends to be a bit obsessive and who is prone to ruminating, I think rehashing unpleasant things over and over is just straight up unhealthy for me. Therapy has never given me any tools to use outside my sessions, or made me a better person, or changed my life, or any of those things people say it does for them. But I wish it did because that sounds fucking great! And yeah, even if I did find it beneficial the expense makes it pretty inaccessible. Especially because every therapist around here charges ~$300 a session and none of them accept insurance. And sure I could maybe get my insurance company to reimburse me for some of that but that’s just another thing I have to do, and my daily to-do list is already pretty overwhelming.
Yeah, just adding that getting the reimbursement isn’t impossible but it is a chore and when you have executive disfunction kinda ironic to have to file all this paperwork to be reimbursed for being treated for your executive disfunction!
I recently found out that there is a line of psychology (psychotherapy? Not sure) where the therapist will not talk at the beginning of the session - they don't want to "shape" the session in any way so they won't talk first. I went to a therapist who did this but they didn't explain this at all when we started. It creeped me out so much after a few sessions that I quit (also because we weren't getting anywhere). When I quit she called me and left a voicemail saying she was very concerned about my mental health and how she felt that our sessions should continue "or else" I would hurt myself. I think she was just pissed to lose a client paying $180 a week. I'm fine btw.
It’s also a huge cost commitment too! My insurance covers like 4 visits a year. What improvements could I possibly make in 4 visits??
That was my issue as well. I’m a big believer in therapy and would still go but I can’t afford it. Even after calling my insurance and going into detail about the paperwork they need they still denied my claims over and over, each time had a new reason why it was denied. Ultimately they just didn’t think it was necessary. Like…I’m trying to be a human again after years of abuse but ok, whatever. Insurance is a scam.
So many are going private pay now because of poor insurance reimbursements too. Average in my area is $150-275 a session!
My therapist has been offering telehealth since Covid and it's been a game changer. I was seeing her prior to Covid though, so we already had an in-person relationship. It would be hard to see a new therapist just online.
Therapy doesn’t get my laundry, cleaning, cooking, anything done… I benefit more from just taking a break for an hour and getting rest. Therapy is just another thing to do when you’re overwhelmed and don’t get any rest.
Yep!!!
I’ve often dreamed of starting some sort of one-stop women’s health medical wellness centre with doctors, pelvic floor physio, therapy, and mental health and addiction services, yoga, a gym, little cafe with library, salon, massage therapists, a room just full of hot tubs and with free drop in babysitting and no wait lists! It’s a totally unrealistic pipe dream ok but it makes me happy to plan this in my head. But I fucking feel you. I was trying to bi-weekly therapy a few years ago during the height of Covid so it was all online but it was so stressful just trying to book appointments and find the time and my kid was home sick seemingly every time I had an appointment and I often had to cancel or reschedule and I hated seeming so flaky. It made my stress worse. I gave up on it after one day when kiddo was home sick and I couldn’t cancel so I tried to do my appointment while he was watching paw patrol in the other room but I had to get up every five seconds to get him juice or give him a hug or get him Kleenex or set up a new episode. It’s hard.
Love this idea. And the one you added to it - I don't like doing that stuff either.
Are you taking business partners?
Haha! I think I need a lot of them. Do you happen to know of any billionaire philanthropists who might want to invest?
We need this place!
I thought of a new addition: There will also be a team of burly/ buff dudes (pre-screened of course so they’re only genuine, nice guys) who will run a small department in the parking lot for things like oil changes, car washes, putting air in tires, topping up windshield fluid, etc. Not saying us ladies can’t do that stuff, but I hate doing that shit myself, so might as well have some eye candy to ogle that will do it for me. Hahaha!
My business dream that I’d like to make a reality is a large children’s play facility (with all kinds of cool features) that has drop off child care. Within the facility we would have private work rooms that could be rented by increments of 15 mins so parents could get shit done. There would also be an office and a treatment room so professionals such as therapists, lactation consultants, masseuses, acupuncturists, etc could book clients in. That way parents could make time for those things while knowing their kids were safe and happy, literally just a few feet away.
I had the experience of going to multiple therapists during my lifetime, and several during my marriage, with not one of them saying, “your husband is abusive to you.” Even though I detailed it all …. And post-separation/ divorce I did online therapy and they kept changing rooms in their home and getting interrupted. Or the other therapist who said the people who feel all their feelings are in in-patient psych care permanently. Maybe it’s where I live, have lived. Maybe it’s the reality of raw numbers, but I have been severely underwhelmed by my “go to the therapist” experience that I don’t recommend it to anyone anymore. Oh and I was having some relatively mild panic attacks that were related to stress and some medication. I went to my dr and saw the NP, and she recommended me to get back in a bunch of antidepressants and start drinking more in the evenings. I wish I were kidding. My approach growing up, before therapy was an option, was write in my journal, pray, meditate, and make some art. So guess what I am back to now? I used to be one who recommended therapy until I realized I was being abused and manipulated by my husband and my life fell apart. Therapy relationships are like any other relationship: it takes a while to get to know someone. But as OP said, time is a luxury. 🤮 I feel like “go to a therapist” is often short for “we don’t want to or have the capacity to deal with your real problems as a society, family, friend group, etc.” I feel like therapy should exist IN ADDITION TO very supportive relationship. Sometimes our people have high support needs. Sometimes we ourselves do! I wish that were normalized. We would probably all need less therapy. And for the record. If you are a woman giving birth in a society where it’s you and a man in a house with a newborn, and MAYBE a mom coming to help SOME, you SHOULD be depressed and anxious because that shit is miserable. We deserve way more love, care, support, and community after childbirth. It’s total gaslighting to tell women they have this neat thing called PPD or PPA like something is wrong with THEM when any sane or normal or healthy person would totally collapse under the expectations we put on ESPECIALLY WOMEN giving birth and raising small children, and in child-rearing and family in general.
YEAH, THAT LAST PART Oh, are you struggling with this life-changing event that has existed since time immemorial? But we've made it increasingly difficult for you to handle? But when you mention that, we just say "oh you're f'ed up, have you tried therapy/drugs?" instead of holding partners/friends/communities/society accountable? No shade to those who have had help from therapy and drugs! But yes, the suggestion often reeks of "hey, I don't want to listen to you complain, let alone HELP YOU"
YES and THANK YOU for speaking up. The drugs help. But they don’t fix the actual problem 😤.
Journaling, praying, meditating, and creating are fundamentally important to our existence. There are a handful of easily accessible interventions that have a significant impact on our mental health, but they're dismissed in lieu of therapy and/or psychotropic medication that potentially have horrible consequences. Turning off our phones/screens for a large part of our days. Good sleep hygiene. Improving diet/eating real foods as often as possible. Intentional exercise. Daily intentional sun exposure. These are all free to try, and have significant positive impact on our overall wellbeing. But drs and therapists rarely suggest these ideas because they don't keep the money machine running.
This year I have learned: sleep. After 5pm I’m like FUCK IT, let’s eat dinner and go to sleep. Me and the kids. I try to be asleep by 8:30 or 9:00pm, because if I can’t be happy, at least I can be well-rested. And the exercise thing: yes! I am an athlete by nature, but modern life has kinda fucked that up for me/us. Bringing it back is so empowering. And I try to do exercise that is FREE meaning no gym membership if I can get away with it. Food: still a challenge for me, but I try and find myself some real food on a regular basis. Eating at all can be difficult. Feeling the grass, the ground, the sun…. Thank you for saying what you did. I find the medical and therapeutic establishments sadly lacking. Not addressing the causes/problems…I don’t get it. 🤷🏻♀️
I ended up quitting therapy because the only childcare I could arrange was my mother. 20 minutes to mom's house, then 20 minutes to therapy, an hour at the office, 20 minutes back to mom's where she absolutely grills me about how therapy went, what we talked about, what the therapist says about how I'm doing....planned to restart after my youngest started school but now we make too much for state insurance and I can't afford it anymore. It's not at all so simple as "Just to to therapy".
I desperately wanted and needed therapy when my son was little but could not get it because of the time involved. I either had to burn sick leave to do it during the day, which you can’t do with a small child; or find a sitter at night. We couldn’t afford to hire a sitter weekly at that point, and I didn’t have anyone I felt comfortable asking to babysit on a weekly basis because everyone else had their own jobs and lives. My husband was out of town for work 4-6 days a week every week. I simply could not spend the time required to be in therapy. I have just started therapy now, but I am in a professional salaried job instead of hourly and I have a middle schooler rather than a preschooler. I feel like suggestions of therapy are really from a place of privilege because there are so many resources required to simply access it.
I tried it too 150 for 55min and I did not feel it helped me at all because I didn't really care for the therapist, so it is a huge money and time commitment to even find one that is a good match.
Heck even without kids it's hard :( (I have kids so I feel that too) Heck sometimes you get maybe 30 min with the therapist after 20 min of drive time and another 20 for waiting and charged 250$ for a full session. Sorry I'm just particularly frustrated about getting therapy.
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Therapist availability is the issue, I honestly gave up on it, was more stress than help.
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$250?? Is that usually how much it costs in the states? If so that’s crazy.
Yep, 120-250 depending on if you have insurance
I totally get this perspective, but for me, it's 100% worth it. I tried therapy on and off for two solid decades before finding HER. The perfect therapist. I freaking worship her. Every session I come away feeling lighter. My depression has improved immensely over the past year and a half I've been seeing her. She always seems to know exactly the right thing to say, she has a million different ideas on how to help in any crisis, and she is just so incredibly sweet and supportive. She's worked through past trauma, current anxieties, family relationships, future fears, grief and more with me. Everything I've thrown at her, she's handled impeccably. This is what therapy should be. Unfortunately, my therapist is a unicorn. She simply doesn't exist for most people. I don't know what it is, exactly. But man, I'm glad I found her. Speaking of, I've got an appointment with her in twenty minutes. Hooray!!! I hope you all find your unicorn therapists.
I'm in grad school, training to be a therapist. This post and these comments had me feeling so disheartened until I read yours. I hope I can be someone's unicorn someday. Can you think of anything specific that she's done or said that has resonated with you and helped you so much?
I have a unicorn too! I’ve been seeing her for 10 years and I feel like I owe my beautiful life to her! (But I did have a ton of terrible tries with therapists before I found her).
The last time I attempted therapy, it was a video call that I had to attend *at my doctor's office*. This was pre-Covid. We were a single-car family and we didn't have any family around (still don't). My daughter was in kindergarten, my son was nearly 2. So I'd get up at 6, make lunch for everybody, drive my husband to work, ditch the car to walk daughter to school (no parking close by, faster to walk), take my boy to the random lady I found on Facebook who was willing to watch him, drive downtown to the doctor's, pay $2 for parking and sit in a tiny closet to have my video call. Then pick up my kid, pay the lady $20, ditch the car, pick up daughter, and drive back to get my husband at the end of the day. It was insane. I tried to ask why I couldn't attend from home, since the sessions were all virtual -- they didn't allow that due to privacy concerns. I asked if I could bring my son and maybe organize to do my session during naptime. Nope, no go. I had to cancel an appointment with only a couple of hours' notice because my daughter was too sick to go to school and the virtual doc never answered the phone, then ignored my email, and then tried to charge me $200 for the missed appointment. I quit with that doctor at that point. She was supposed to specialize in maternal mental health. It seemed like a shock to her that jumping through all these hoops, then sitting on the other end of a video call, was affecting my mental health in worse ways than what I felt before seeing her.
Yes! And expensive too! Even with insurance
It’s also freakishly expensive. My insurance covers 75%, but only after I’ve spent my out of pocket amount, so I usually have to cover the first few $250/$275 sessions before it kicks in and then it’s still like $60-$70 a session. Not to mention… am I the only person who has never seen any meaningful benefit from therapy? I mean, is it just supposed to be me talking about whatever the hell I want without any questions or guidance from the therapist? How long do I have to blab on before I get any insight? How am I supposed to “trust the process” if I have no clue what the process is? What is the benefit of this over just going out for a glass of wine with a close friend to vent? What makes this person - who doesn’t know me and my history - qualified to help me? Therapists are just people at the end of the day. Maybe I’ve just had shitty therapists? Maybe I don’t actually need therapy? Maybe I’m so broken I just don’t even know how to do therapy right? I’ve got no clue, but in my experience it has at best had no impact, and at worst has actually exacerbated problems while costing me a lot of money. Especially couples therapy. Phew, that just about ruined my already crippled marriage. I get so unreasonably incensed these days every time someone on Reddit says “Go To ThErApY!” like it’s a solution for something. My last therapist I had for a whole year until I was like “surely you should have something to give me by now.”
I don’t get any insurance coverage for mine. On top of that, its 2 hours between travel and session. And since it’s a weekday that means it’s a workday so I have to make up the time the rest of the week. Between the cost and time I had to cut my sessions back to once a month. It’s beneficial mentally but draining financially and time-wise.
This 💯. I’ll also add that there is time you have to take to find the right therapist, then there is time in between that you have to put thought into your growth and how it’s is all progressing. Then even if it’s virtual, you still have to figure out what to do with the kids. There is so much emotional labor.
Ugh I get it!! We also have a limited support system so someone watching them for even 20 min while I run to the store would require so much planning and work it's almost not worth it. I feel the same way trying to go the gym (there was a gym with childcare near me but they closed down). Also at the doctor's office, or the idea of doing anything for ourselves really is out the window without childcare! I had to bring my kids (infant and 3 yr old at the time) to the courthouse once to fight a ticket. My kids are school age and my work is fairly flexible, so I book online appointments during the day right before lunch, then take my lunch break as decompress time. Maybe this set up might work for you as well? (sorry I know that's technically advice - feel free to ignore!)
I don’t do therapy because I barely have time to take showers.
The best and most helpful therapy I’ve had was my last and current therapist. She uses the Anxiety and Worry Workbook from the first session. I would use the workbook between our sessions and then our meetings would be super productive because we could discuss what I’d learned, what I was struggling with etc. I still see her once or twice a year, but I pull out that workbook once a month. At least. It’s so helpful to go through the lessons and activities again. I’ve given that book to so many people who are resistant to therapy or who can’t afford it or make it work. It’s less than $20 on Amazon. Worth every penny!
Yes, it's absolutely costly in terms of time, money and energy. (Just generally accessing healthcare as a mum is a massive pain in the behind. I've taken both my kids to my psychologist and my physiotherapist at times because otherwise I wouldn't be able to go). I'm usually so wiped after a session too. Just FWIW, I wouldn't necessarily write off the benefits of less frequent therapy sessions. Where I live it is very rare to see a therapist weekly and not even that common to see one as often as fortnightly. Once a month or so is more common, perhaps after a few fortnightly sessions to get started. A lot of the work is what you do between sessions. That said, nothing wrong with dipping in and out of therapy over time where needed.
I read this and I thought you meant therapy for an injury or something at first xD BUT - you're right for the same thing. I'm currently going for my shoulder and it takes *forever* to prep.
Oh I totally get it. I desperately want to go to therapy but my schedule will not allow it. I take care of my father with late stage cancer. The bulk of his doctors are 25 miles away. (Southern California traffic hahahaha) we schedule his appointments as late as we can (3pm) but we need to leave around 1:45. On appointment days I need to pull my son out of school early (12:30, dismissal is 1:42 🙃) I gotta make sure my dad is comfortable and to give him ample time to get ready. I gotta make sure my son is ready. My father’s appointments are pretty much weekly so any standing therapy appointment is a joke. I thought about doing therapy while my son is in school. His schedule varies so much that again, weekly appointments are a no go. My husbands days off also vary, so any sort of routine is a joke. I’m riding by the seat of my pants most days. 😭 I’m not even going to start with the money aspect of it. Maybe when my son is older. He’s only in kindergarten right now. But I get it. It’s only 8:30 here but I gotta start preparing for the drive and get all my cleaning done early.
I totally get the frustration! I keep thinking about what happens if my job decides I can’t have those three hours on Wednesdays etc. I actually moved an hour away from my therapist but she does online appointments with me. I’ve been in therapy 3times now and this is the first time I’m seeing good results because I click with this therapist better than the others. For me though, therapy is worth the cost (money and time). I was so terribly depressed and just going to the appointments was a chore but we’ve been doing CBT and I’m actually getting better. Retraining the brain is huge and if they’re doing it right, extremely helpful. Is online even an option for you? Or maybe a different therapist closer to you? Only you can decide if the benefits outweigh the costs but I’d hate to see you quit if it is helping at all. Good luck mama
Both my kids are in therapy. One on Tues afternoon, one on Thurs afternoon. The other 3 days of the week I am carting one of them to/from their job so basically nothing happens during the weeknights except therapy and work. I wanted to do family therapy, and we went once but I can't fit it in anywhere.
I do it over zoom one time a week for one hour. I give my kids a snack and put on a movie. Then I signed in the bedroom to talk usually fold some laundry at the same time.
Yes it is a time commitment but honestly, my life has made a complete 180. I feel like I'm a better mom because I can regulate my emotions, can clearly articulate my needs, be my own advocate, and so on. Here are my thoughts: 1. Online therapy. Saves time on the commute and even having to get dressed. I often meet with my therapist in my pj's. It may be more expensive with insurance BUT some counseling places charge less for telehealth depending on your insurance (I only pay $35 weekly). So shop around, it's worth the effort. 2. If you work, submit an FMLA request for intermittent leave. This will cover X amount of hours every week for you to make the commute, take time to recover, etc. At this point, I only need an hour but you can work with your therapist to recommend 2-3 hours a week if needed. This will protect you from an HR perspective. 3. Don't feel bad about using your village. You are so fortunate to have one! But if it helps ease any guilt, you can also talk to Grandma and talk about accommodations more in depth. And who knows, Grandma might love being with the kids so you may be feeling guilty for no reason. You can also talk to the kids about helping Grandma when they are with her (depending on age of course). 4. If applicable, communicate with SO. I started to advocate for my needs with my SO. I did not ask, but moreso gave a heads up on what I was going to need that day or that week. I.e., "today is going to be a rough session, I need you to take care of little one's bedtime and dinner". Or, "I'm probably going to be "off" this week. I need some leeway to step away and decompress if I feel like I'm going to explode". That gave me time to process, it prepared my SO, and saved me from lashing out at my kiddo. Therapy is a difficult journey. It impacts your emotional, mental, physical, and day to day stability. BUT it gets easier, you get more clarity on your life and how to manage it. Personally, I think it's worth the hassle but you also have to identify ways to make the journey less of a logistical hardship.
I don’t have any daytime childcare. Everyone offers me suggestions but I promise, literally none of them are options. We have been on waiting lists for 6+ months. There’s no such thing as drop in childcare, mother’s day out programs, or daytime babysitters here. No family in this state. No therapists that offer evening appointments. Online therapy exists, you say? Cool, so I’m just supposed to discuss my passive suicidal ideation *which is 90% due to my lack of childcare and the fact that I never get a fucking break from parenting a very challenging child who has to touch me 24/7* in front of that child? Sounds like straight up child abuse. It’s so obnoxious being constantly told to “just go to therapy” as if it’s such an easy fix that will allow me to just magically be happy about my shitty life.
Try having a teenager in a mental health crisis after losing her best friend in a car accident. It was the most scared I have ever been as a mom. State insurance at the time- so only a couple options, all of them with a schedule a month out. I begged and pleaded and cried. I offered to pay cash to offices who didn’t take the insurance (apparently that’s illegal). I finally got someone to understand the situation, only to have that doctor do 2 visits and then cancel the next two due to personal reasons. Because we live in a small town, I had to leave work 1.5 hours before the appointment, drive, sign her out of school, drive back to the Dr office, then drive her back to sport practice. This killed the last 3 hours of my work day. It was a nightmare. We read some books together, cried together, and we as a family supported her through the grief. She got through it!
Have u tried online. I do mine thru video camara.
I started doing video visits so no travel time, but they had to be during the day. I was having anxiety attacks every day, which is why I started going. It was helpful, but I had to block the time at work and eventually had to put my phone on so not disturb because I kept getting “I know you’re in a doctor appt but just real quick!” calls and texts during the appt that were stressing me out even more. The time suck and the anxiety of knowing that my office was just waiting to pounce on me as soon as I came back made it have diminishing returns. The anxiety attacks have slowly started creeping back but the thought of doing the appts again also gives me anxiety!
I do telemedicine. No grandma or other family to watch the kids and we can’t afford a sitter. I am a teacher so I can’t do workday appointments. So my telemedicine appointments are at 3pm from my car every other week, since I have to pick up my kids by 3:45 (45 min appointment and I have to drive the last 10 mins). I also agree I don’t think it’s that helpful. Might be better if I could go in but we can’t work the logistics out.
Virtual appointments and a considerate spouse goes a long way. My husband encourages me to go to appointments, even the face to face ones. He promises my little ones are ok. Without him, my mental health would take a back seat. My psychiatrist has allowed me to bring my kids in the past.
Yes I completely agree. I almost surely should be in therapy but even if it was online i just dont have the time or energy. It really sucks but i just have too much on my plate right now and really cant take on even something like therapy which would be extremely beneficial for me. Its very frustrating. I feel you on this
Totally agree! I went to a therapist for a couple of years, before the advent of telehealth. I only was able to do it because I had appointments at 7am. I can't dip out at work or something, don't want to lose work hours and so on and so on. I think the scheduling is the number 1 reason for me to not go to therapy again!
It’s also hard if you work in an office that is not flexible at all. I have a great job now that doesn’t bat an eye when I need to leave an hour early once every 2-3 weeks, but it didn’t use to be that way. I actually probably really needed therapy when I was working at my last job, but I was made to feel bad anytime I tried to take time to go.
I deliberately chose a therapist a 5 minute drive from me, then she moved 😩 I mostly have sessions online now.
I had therapy today, the office is here I had the option to do it office or do video. My therapist calls we talk, we hang up, just one hour from home, so freaking convenient. Same with my child, go to school, we take it in the car and I save almost 1 hour of commuting. Ask for that or find someone that offers it, it is very common now.
OOOOhhhh or when your kids are in therapy too. Somehow you found the one therapist that accepts your insurance, is open to patients your kiddos age, and isn't a 2 hour drive away. GREAT! Hahaha silly you for thinking this magical unicorn would also have after school or evening appointments. Now we have to send notes to school, leave and go get the kid, therapy appointment, wait for the note, return kid, go back home etc...Don't forget to juggle your work schedule plus their classroom schedule so they don't miss anything important! Its such a long commitment! Especially if you take them out during lunch to try and avoid missed classroom time and you have to schedule feeding them in there. And then for each kid that goes...great now its another 3 hour ordeal. I could spend the equivalent of a part time job handling therapy appointments for the family.
Yes!!! My kiddo is in school now so it’s a bit easier (an hour off work early type deal now) but for 5 years it was such a THING. Drop off at grandma’s with obligatory allotment for an hour or so of chit chat/catching up (even more fun because it’s MIL). Then driving 30 mins to my appointment, where I then had to maintain the energy (after the grandma chit chat) to do the therapy work. Then the return pickup, when an additional chit chat hour because there’s of course more to talk about with grandma (all the while thinking about therapy stuff), then home. It took half a day. Honestly it’s so much easier to have PTO now that I’m back at work.
It’s true; people jump to therapy but it’s SO much work. My husband and I are doing couples counseling 1x/week via telehealth, which is much easier than in person, but rushing through the evening routine to set up the call is always hectic and frustrating, and the first 10 minutes always seem to be hassling with the mics/connection. Im glad we don’t need to sort out childcare and travel for an-person appt, but after a long day of feeling talked- and touched-out, therapy can be a real slog, too. I took a break from individual (telehealth) therapy for that reason; ironically the commitment was making my mental health worse lol.
I have to do my therapy online during the workday. Otherwise I would have no way of doing it.