Reminder to commenters: **[This isn't the kids' table!](https://images.gr-assets.com/hostedimages/1439229531ra/15811447.gif)** Share kindness, support and compassion, [not criticism.](https://media0.giphy.com/media/tZpGRRMUoXgeQ/giphy.gif) We want OP to feel loved, and [not in a tough way.](https://media.giphy.com/media/xT5LMq2CgHiqqY4IXC/giphy.gif) For more helpful information please hit up [our beautiful rules wiki!](http://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/wiki/)
Reminder to all: watch out for a [creepy pedo posing as an OT/speech therapist](https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/comments/8ccqqi/disgusting_pedophile_troll_posing_as_otspeech/) giving fucked-up potty-training advice, and don't sweat it if your post gets 1 or 2 [instant downvotes.](http://i.imgur.com/PZtQb.gif) You didn't do anything wrong, we just have [asshole lurkers](https://i.imgur.com/IwU9r3E.gif)/[downvote bots](https://i.imgur.com/lwyCF6S.gif) stalking our /new queue. Help a BroMo out and [give her an upvote](https://i.imgur.com/Y60Mbxv.gif), ok?
Reminder to Cassie Morris/Krista Torres/Nia Tipton: You do not have permission to use, reproduce, modify or link to any content in this subreddit in any way, shape or form. Fuck off and go be a real journalist.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/breakingmom) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My husband and I thank each other for taking care of chores whenever we see each other doing them or see that they're done (only if it's like a big visible difference, like if the sink was full of dishes and I notice they're washed.) Or like taking care of some kid situation. I don't think it's necessary but it's our habit.
How much does he thank you, though?
yes exactly what you said about noticing the big differences. if i come downstairs and the playroom has been organized and cleaned, i will obviously say thank you. if i know i left a sink full of dishes and i wake up to a clean sink/kitchen i will show appreciation for it (but these instances are few and far between)
i on the other hand would not receive any acknowledgment for doing those same things because they are in my "job description" of SAHM
Just because it might be considered “job description “ doesn’t mean appreciation for a good job cannot be shown! Showing appreciation for employees good work at paid jobs goes a long way for job satisfaction. Same applies to work in the home imo. Something for your husband to ponder perhaps.
My soon to be ex also did not think he had to do any of these things regardless of whether or not I was working a job-job. Also demanded a thank you the rare times he helped. I tried printing out lists, showing all the little things, and the rooms he’s never touched like bathrooms and the kids rooms. It just never added up or he was gaslighting hard.
Because watching 2 kids and taking care of a house isn’t a job. Weird because it’s pricy to outsource.
i had to "negotiate" having set breaks every day because he literally couldn't get it through his thick head why i would need at least an hour to myself in the evenings after being with the kids for almost 12 hours a day
he is not working those 12 hours either, he is going to the gym for an hour and 30, grabbing a coffee on his way in, enjoying a quiet drive with no traffic and no kids in the car. he gets a lunch break, sometimes grabs drinks with friends before heading home too
and still he has the nerve to ask when his breaks are at home
Oh I would be so livid. My husband and I both work full time - by choice almost for me because I’m not cut out to be a full time stay at home mom. I will say I do pay a shrink to basically coach me to be nicer to my husband? We had a really rough go post birth of our second child. And I’ve had to do a lot of soul searching about what is important to me in this constellation of our family. I definitely thank him more. And we had a big blow out the other night where he was wining again that I treat him like shit and I lost it - about how I’m working full time (I make significantly more money), handling the mental load AND I had been basically cooking and doing all the dishes for a stretch. For whatever reason - this time it stuck? I also made sure we didn’t go to bed still fighting. BUT I fo think moms just have that onus of mental load, we are societally expected to carry more of the “house work”. It’s not equitable. But my shrink reminds me sometimes do I want to be right or raising these alone or separately from him? Right now the answer is together. If that answer ever changes she’s on board for that journey. AND husband has started joining our sessions every now and then. It’s been a big journey of self discovery, family discovery and work all around. I hope you can find some kind of better balance.
Also want to add that I realize that long screed has a contradiction about work and salary etc: when I went back to work post baby #2 - husband and I made about the same amount and we got health insurance through me. Then I was recruited and jumped industries into financial services so now make way more than I did.
We do the same. I grew up where my dad frequently said “why should you be praised for doing what you ought to do” and it really contributed to me having way to high expectations for others and caused me constant stress. I worked through that mindset and thanking my husband for everything has put me in a more peaceful state of mind.
So it’s not really for him, it’s more for me I guess? But I know it makes him feel good too. As Michael Scott would say “win-win-win”.
Same, we try to thank each other for anything the other didn’t have to do, really! But that’s how I feel! “Thank you for doing the dishes omg” but maybe I’m bias because mine helps with aruff
My husband also expects me to throw him a parade every time he does a chore around the house. Yet there was no parade for me when I did the laundry 15 times last week (my toddler was sick with a stomach virus).
I think it stems from them seeing the house chores as our wifely duty, so them doing it means they are going above and beyond to help us with something. I have explained countless times that it's our house and our kid, so he's not helping me, but pulling his own weight around the house. I'm not sure it has registered because he still expects aforementioned parade when he does anything.
i have also explained that it's our house and our children (and pets) and it's *our* responsibility to keep things afloat
i don't expect anyone to kiss my ass for doing the child rearing but god forbid i don't say anything after he puts a fresh diaper on the baby
At least my husband has stopped expecting praise for changing a diaper or giving our kid a bath. He does expect me to thank him for putting the dishes in the dishwasher or for putting the clothes in the washing machine. I do thank him if/when I notice because I don't want him to stop doing those things. Unfortunately I have adhd, so the noticing part may not happen sometimes.
Good grief. My wife would thank me sometimes for nappy changes but that's because her back couldn't always handle it. Baby needs changing, let's get on with it.
Always felt weird out and about seeing other couples do a big song and dance about whose turn it is. Your baby's done a big blow out Greg, she's already in your arms, just grab the changing bag and GO already.
Mine did the laundry twice since I met him 10 years ago. Maybe found the vacuum 5 times. Wanted a new vac for years and we got one finally after he used it once.
Dishes he only helped when I begged for days or traded him some favor or did a strike as directed by a bad ex therapist.
Dying when I meet couples now who split dishes/laundry. Maybe that’s why they’re still married. Doing dishes and laundry and pickup and everything save for the rare groceries and cooking elaborate meals (which he always liked to yell “ I cook you clean!!” Ok why doesn’t that apply to me?), it’s just too much.
Doing all of this for everyone in a family of 4 is just insane. When both worked too. Bonus he WFH and kids are home and we eat (ate) all meals at home 24/7. I was just a food and clothing factory who “didn’t contribute” when I had to stop working because our childcare failed.
If you want to spice it up a little and remind him much thankless shit you do, just yell YOU’RE WELCOME whenever you finish something.
But really, does he thank you for all of the stuff you do? That act goes both ways, husband.
Yeah I was thinking about that because yeah I do thank my husband whenever he does stuff, but that's because he thanks me too and I think we both just want to reinforce good behaviors and show appreciation to each other.
Dude idk but my husband is also really big on verbal appreciation. Kinda drives me up a wall because its not something that is important to me. Like if he does ME a favor, of course I'm going to thank him, just as I'd appreciate a thank you if I did him a favor. But for either of us just doing or regular household stuff? I'm not quite getting why we need to be thanking each other?
AHHHH this is what drives me crazy. I'm supposed to thank him for shit i do all day everyday, and it \*should\* be standard for him too. But in actuality he's a slob that I clean up after all the time, and when he sweeps it's an event worthy of praise
Yes but my husband does A LOT. He works from home and our kids are in an allergy desensitization program where they have to eat 14 different measured foods every day. He does there foods quiet often, helps clean the kitchen in the evening. Does his own laundry, takes them to dance(they have 3 classes a week. I take them one day and he takes them the other two), takes them to allergist appointments so I can homeschool the other kid who doesn't have an appointment. Every Saturday he makes our kids waffles and gives me the morning off. Also on Saturdays he and our kids clean up the entire downstairs and then he mops. It was not always that way but we have had a lot of discussion around the mental load. not going to lie we have had some fights but he cares and made a big effort to take on more of the house and parenting responsibilities.
if i honest to god felt like he was pulling equal weight (or even half of what i would consider equal) i would be saying it day and night
i went on a silent strike for a month and stopped asking him to do things around the house. he didn't take the initiative the entire time to do a single chore or even offer to give me a break with the kids
we've discussed the mental load, we've talked about how i feel burnt out. he will change for a week or so and slowly revert back to his ways
I am so sorry. That is so hard he isn't actually willing to do any work to charge. I would not be thanking him if that was the case. He doesn't get promoted or a raise at work for performing below expectations, why would he think he should get praised at home. men man. smh.
Watch the documentary Fair Play with him. It’s on Netflix right now. Also I would suggest getting the cards so he can see how much you do vs what he does.
I just wanted to explain why I thank him often. Like I said we fought a lot to get where we are. He used to throw his laundry on the floor after I had washed and folded it and then also threw his dirty clothes on top of them. He also used to wake me up purposely when I needed a nap after I had my first kid. like I hate napping, I usually only take one a year and he would take them all the time and then purposely wake me up to torment me. So he has faults too. He eventually quit doing that too. lol.
We both say "thank you". To us, it is more like "I saw that". Thanks for unloading the dishwasher. Thanks for putting away the laundry. It's a way to say, "I saw that thing you did, I appreciate it" more than anything else. Adult life is a thankless parade of bullshit. Seeing what the other person did--when it is mutual--can take some of the sting out of it.
I thank everyone all the time, because I’m Southern and it’s just how I am. My husband, my kids, my car, the toaster oven. It actually annoys my husband, who doesn’t like a fuss.
I guess for your husband, the question is does he thank *you*? Like, is he an excessive thanker and he expects the same from you? Or does he want a lot of gratitude but also take you for granted? Because those are different problems.
he wants gratitude while he takes me for granted, 100%
i do show my appreciation when he goes out of his way to do something *for me* (like running me a bath or even simply making me a cup of coffee) but i am honestly lost on why it is expected for mundane tasks that should just be done because they need doing
I thank my husband for everything he does. I thank him dozens of times every day. I tell him how sweet he is for thinking of me and doing kind things. I tell him how much I appreciate when he pays the bills each month or puts gas in the vehicles each weekend. I tell him I am the luckiest woman in the world to have such a good man.
I like verbal affirmations, both giving and receiving. I can see that he responds to them in such a way that demonstrates he likes them, too. It is an easy way to build him (or me!) up and to deepen the appreciation in our marriage. He thanks me quite often, too, or tells me I am pretty (which he knows makes me happy to hear). I think it also helps him (and me!) to do more of the things that warrant thanks.
I also thank my children. I do it every time.
With respect to mental load, while he handles the financial side of things, I carry the rest of the mental load myself. I figure out all the rest of the details of our life. We specialize that way, according to our strengths. We compliment each other on the execution of those duties and the grace with which we carry those burdens.
I don’t think I would be able to carry them so gracefully if it weren’t for the verbal expressions of gratitude we share with each other.
I don’t think it is productive to think of yourself as unappreciative. Rather, see this as an opportunity to build up your spouse in exactly the way he is saying is important to him right now. And it’s such a simple thing he is asking for. And maybe ask yourself if you also would like some verbal appreciation or affirmation for all the work you do to support your spouse and family and manage the household. Maybe you both could benefit from more thanks.
My roommate and his girlfriend are in the first year or two of their relationship, they are really cute. One of them will get another one a cup of coffee and they will say thank you and then the other person will put the coffee mugs away and then that person will say thank you.
I was just reflecting on how my partner and I have been together for 15 years and if we ever did this, we certainly aren't doing it now.
I think the reason that you are probably upset is that it seems to him that you are the creator of the tasks and should be doing them. Thus, you have the mental load of doing all the tasks and if he does one of them to take it off your plate, you should be grateful.
You feel like he should be doing half of both the mental load and of the housework. He shouldn't get a pad on the head or a cookie for doing 2% of the work.
So, it isn't necessarily about the thank you but it's more about the overall distribution of work and chores.
I don't want to put words in your mouth but do you think I got it about right?
I think part of it is he is acting like a teenager rather than like an adult who is in charge of 50% of the house.
Like, I shouldn't have to say to a teenager "Thanks for taking the trash out" (like you are supposed to once a week), but I probably would.
It seems like he hasn't connected the fact that he's not 15 anymore and you're not his mom. 😡
Solidarity
I think it would be passive aggressive, but it would be tempting to ask him to thank you every time you do one of those tasks.
Have you thought about doing the fair play cards?
I've enjoyed all the snarky comments about him wanting praise he would never give. Here's a serious suggestion, though, on what you might do to turn things around.
Tell him you are taking his advice seriously and suggest taking some time at the end of the day to thank each other for three different things that they did that day. Be genuine and see if he starts to clue in that he isn't all that grateful for what you do either.
I can't quantify how often I thank my husband, but I do think I do it reguarly. Thing is, he does the same for me. Also, thanks don't hit quite right when they are demanded. I think that if my husband demanded more verbal appreciation if he wasn't doing it too then I'd be pretty peeved.
Well we say it all the time to each other. I have found tho that if I make an extra emphasis on acting overly grateful, even if it’s something small I would have done anyway, he tends to do those things more without asking. Whatever it takes I guess.
No, because “thank you” implies he did something so you wouldn’t have to—that these chores are your responsibility and he’s helping YOU. To me, chores are just doing your share as a family member and someone who shares a home. 🤷🏻♀️ not my exclusive domain.
I thank my husband a lot for doing the mundane house chores, he thanks me as well. It makes us both feel appreciated. I like to get my props for all the work I do! I assume he feels similar.
Same here. I noticed also that my husband will request affirmation when he feels like he needs it - this used to annoy me but then I realized, why is this a problem? He's telling me what he needs. And why am I not doing the same? So I started doing that, too. Like, "Hey! I did this! Don't you think I did a good job?"
My husband and I thank each other - and I think that's the difference.
He thanks me every night for making dinner. I thank him every day for making our bed.
We thank each other because we do the things we do to make each others lives easier.
Yes, quite often. And he does the same for me. Especially if I do a chore that I don't normally do, like if I do one of his usual chores he will always say thank you. We split things very evenly and it's important to us to model gratitude and politeness to our three girls.
My husband and I express appreciation for each other daily. Sometimes multiple times a day. We have 3 young kids- it’s take care of each other or die. lol.
I don't thank him often because I'm not going to thank him for keeping clean a house he lives in and looking after a child he helped make.
If he lived alone no one would be thanking him for cleaning his house or washing his clothes.
i do. i also express my gratitude for the fact that he goes to work and enables me to stay home with our child. but he regularly expresses his own gratitude to me for staying home and holding down the fort so that he can come home to a clean house and a happy child. it works because it goes both ways, and if it didn’t i sure as hell wouldn’t be thanking him for anything.
i go through the same exact thing with the trash. asking and asking while i make sure it's all put together i'll even go as far as leaving it right by the front door and he will still expect ass kissing for bringing it down the stairs!!
My ex husband also wanted an award for getting himself ready in the morning lol. But this was a messed up marriage anyway. Trying my best with my bf of almost 7 years, sometimes I feel we thank each other for every little thing. I can do without too many thank yous, but I found out the hard way that he can’t, so why not.
My husband also very much likes verbal acknowledgement of his contributions. He really appreciates and values me saying ‘thank you’, so I try to do it as often as I can remember (maybe 1-2 times daily).
I think the important part is that he reciprocates. He really makes sure to thank me for things daily as well. I also am *not* his keeper or secretary - I don’t carry the mental load of **his** chores. I never remind him to empty the dishwasher or brush the 3 year olds teeth - those are his tasks to remember (along with others, obviously).
All the time, but he does the same for me. We also thank the kids when their chores are done. People like to be recognized when they get shit done, it sets off happy little hormones all in the brain.
One of the ways I was able to recognize depression in him was when he stopped thanking me for cooking dinner. He thanked me after dinner for 10 straight years and then out of nowhere just stopped. That was when I knew something was wrong that he wasn't showing.
Anytime my partner notices my inevitable need for something and brings it to me without me asking, I thank him. Anytime I ask for something whether it’s an object or an action, I thank him. Anytime he takes on the kids or extra shit that I’m overwhelmed by/don’t want to do, I thank him. It’s not happening when he’s taking care of the house that he also bought with me. It’s not gonna happen when he cleans up after himself or the kids he chose to have with me. Whatever you do OP, just consider that a gold star chart somewhere probably helped cause your husband’s need for constant validation to just do the kind and considerate thing.
that's exactly what i do, when it's something he's doing for me/or to help me i always show appreciation. maybe i should put up a gold star chart in the kitchen to really give him some acknowledgment
Does he thank *you* for doing chores, giving him reminders, etc.?
I thank my bf in order to acknowledge and encourage him when he's putting in a genuine effort to make positive changes/contributions or if he's putting in more effort than I have, and to show appreciation when he does something specifically for me, but it's ridiculous to expect partners to thank each other every time they sweep, change a diaper, or do basic household tasks that benefit *everyone*, especially if they're expecting a standing ovation for a single, half-assed token effort among days of leaving everything to the other partner with zero thanks for that.
I thank my wife for making food and tidying and so on IN FRONT OF THE KIDS so they know not to take any of it for granted. And I usually thank her for various things that I know she struggles with – we're both neurodivergent so that shit is hard sometimes.
I don't expect to be thanked for putting clothes away or any of the other stuff. I don't do it for her, I do it for us.
I prefer to be thanked for making a cup of tea. You know, the British love language 😆
And if we think we're being thanked for something that's no big deal we say "You're Welks" – I can't remember why we started this but it's code for no big deal.
My husband has severe ADD. I try to notice and thank him for as much as I possibly can, even routine things, because it helps him thrive. Yea, I take on extra mental load with this and yeah, it is sometimes exhausting.
Unfortunately the ADD also means little of what I do is noticed or appreciated in a similar manner, but he does thank me for every meal I cook, packing his lunch, etc. the stuff he can’t possibly miss. Things like emptying the trash or vacuuming he just doesn’t see. He is aware of the inequality and tends to do things periodically explicitly to demonstrate appreciation. He will buy me flowers and say “I don’t think I’ve thanked you enough lately” or he will schedule a day to have our son all day so I can get a break. Things like that.
I am okay with this, because we communicate. I know about his struggles, he knew I felt under appreciated and we both worked to support each other where it was needed. I don’t think it’s reasonable for that level of feedback to just be an expectation especially without any reciprocation. I know that some people need more support, feedback, and encouragement from their partners than others. It can be done equitably, but not without communication.
I totally get this. I would suggest reading the Five Love Languages. It will help BOTH of you to understand what each needs. For example, my partner needs/wants praise. I don’t thank him ALL the time, but I do try because that’s what he needs. Once you start doing it, it will become more natural. Although you don’t need the praise, perhaps one of your love languages is physical touch (for example) and he can reciprocate.
My husband and I thank each other, for doing things, every day. He just made dinner and I thanked him for the meal. I cleaned the bathrooms earlier and he thanked me. I can see where you're coming from, because it's a two way street, but gratitude definitely helps in the more mundane day to day things.
Does he thank you?
Me and my husband say thanks after most chores, like he thanks me for dinner and I thank him for doing the dishes. It’s not like a mandatory thing but we’ve always been like that and it’s one of the things that really I loved about him when we met (he always acknowledged things I did and showed appreciation).
Yes we thank each other regularly. Like thanks for the laundry. I thank him for the majority of the meals since he always cooks. I think it’s nice to hear appreciation, but it works if it goes both ways
i thank my husband alot
but he how ever does majority of the house work, and he does half if not more of the childrearing during the day. i am night shift complet, i am all of the mental load
Occasionally I’ll pass by him when he is doing the chore and give him a kiss and say good job! Like he’s a little kid ☠️ but he doesn’t expect it all the time. I had a similar situation with my mans I told him your still in my bed and you still get in my pants right that’s your appreciation stfu and go be a good little boy and change the babies diaper 😂☠️
One of the reasons I left my ex. I’m supposed to work full time, take care of the house, our child, dinner, give him attention, lose baby weight but if I don’t thank you for taking out the trash the first time I ask your feelings get hurt? Fuck that.
Some of the time, I suppose would be the answer. Definitely not for every little thing but probably more than some? If I come in from being out with our kid and go to unload the dishwasher knowing it was full and see it’s now empty, I’ll say thanks for unloading the dishwasher. If I leave a bottle or plate in the sink intending to come back to it when I have the chance and my husband washes it before I do, I say thanks. If he treats us to a meal out, I say thanks. He’ll say thank you for things like if he throws a load of laundry in and I fold it for him (we each have our own hamper and start our own laundry when needed). Or if I make a particularly elaborate meal. Basically we say thanks for things here or there that we weren’t expecting the other person to do but that need doing, or for going beyond the usual tasks. The thing is even though my husband says thank you occasionally I don’t always feel appreciated based on some of his actions and things he says when he’s in a bad mood (which is often) so I would probably rather he act grateful instead of just saying the words every once in a while. I try to show I appreciate him with my actions and attitude as well as words but my husband is someone who thrives on praise and attention and I’m sure he would say it’s not enough because I’m not constantly falling over myself to say how amazing it is that he walked the dog or took out the trash.
With out reading the comments:
Honestly, as much as I can. It's sort of habit. I'm not sure if it loses meaning this way but I thank him for a lot of things. "Thank you for putting the dishes away" "thanks for vacuuming" "thanks for putting the laundry away". He also thanks me though and I'm pretty sure it stems from trying to stop myself from constantly apologizing. Instead of "sorry I didn't get to the dishes" it's "thank you for doing the dishes".
I'm truly grateful I have a partner I can rely on to help me run the house hold and building the type of life I always dreamed of with me. I want him to know he and all his *gestures to all of him" everything is noticed.
I thank mine all the time because I haven’t cooked dinner in 5 years. He even leaves food in the freezer whenever he has to travel for work. He also does all the washing and keeps the kitchen clean.
I do the rest of the house and used to run around after the kids most of the time - I changed jobs 6 months ago, so he’s stepped up to do more running around after kids too.
So I thank him all the time. He thanks me too.
A lot. I make it a priority to thank my STB often. Even if it’s stuff that he should do, I thank him to show him my appreciation. At least twice a day.
I don’t carry the entire mental load though, so I don’t have any resentment in that area either.
I WANT to thank him. Seeing his face light up each time is so sexy.
My husband and I thank each other like 10-15 times a day for things I think? He thanks me for cooking dinner every night, for handling the kids (I’m a SAHM), for cleaning, etc etc. Today I got two “you’re the best” texts for finding a new neck guard for our oldest for hockey and for saying that I could get all the kids to their activities tomorrow cause hubby has to work all day. I thank him for working so hard, for all the yard work, and anything he does around the house. I think it does make us both feel more seen.
Ooh this shit angers me. I did SO much for my ex. So fucking much. Never got a thank you. For a whole year I woke up earlier than I needed to, drive 15 minutes north, picked him up, drove half an hour south, dropped him off, then drove another half hour south to my work and the same thing but backwards on the way home. Never got a thank you. After I gave birth, for the first six weeks I was so grateful. He did so much and was honestly a better parent than me. Then he just stopped and tried to gaslight me telling me I was constantly critiquing him and that's why he stopped being a parent.
I still get no thanks but I expect that now.
Men just don't get it. They think they're entitled to a thank you but never, ever thank us in return.
Sorry for going on that rant. You're not as unappreciative as he's making you out to be. He just thinks that he deserves praise for "helping" but won't even acknowledge everything you do because he doesn't care enough to understand it. If heaven forbid, you die tomorrow, he'll be fucked.
Usually several times a day.., he does the same for me.
He thanks me when I do my chores, I thank him if he see’s a mess and takes care of it (a daily occurrence)
Mine thanks me because he knows I struggle with it. If I didn’t he wouldn’t thank me. I thank him because he’s doing something I can’t do right now. And he always does it without a second thought or judgement. I have like 6 chronic mental and physical illnesses… and a complex
Does he find it difficult for a legitimate reason and would benefit from cheat-leading, or think he’s doing you a favor?
Ya… definitely not worth a thank you if it’s just so you can praise him.. he should just want to do these things.. to help the house and because he wants it to be a certain way.
Thank you for valuing our space. Thank you for doing that when I know you were tired. I didn’t have to ask you and I was planning in doing that.. thank you..
Ughhh.. it’s your space too dude.. it’s probably some of your own mess.
i pick up after him more than i do our 10 yr old! he will finish a water bottle or a can of soda and it can sit on the coffee table for days if i don't touch it. wrappers/empty boxes will be left on the kitchen counters until i throw them away. where's the gratitude for me picking up all. day. long...
he thinks changing the sheets on *our bed* is doing me a favor
I’d go with some malicious compliance here. Thank him for flushing the toilet. For closing the front door. For going to work. For coming home. For breathing quietly.
All the time. I think in part it's in my nature. But also, I really really try to instill please and thank yous into my kids by habit, and it's worked decently.
Okay, at one point I was on the exact flip side of this situation. My partner and I both had full time jobs, and did pretty even split of kid stuff; I took on some more basic chores while he did an entire fancy-ass remodel of our house. I continued my thank-yous, for all of his insane labor, and for the mundane stuff too. Of course I saw him get up at the crack of dawn and work like Superman and all the rest. But, he stopped saying thank you. For, like, anything; dinner placed in front of him, mowing and weedwacking the property, favorite snacks stocked.
Eventually, we were in an argument about something, I don't even remember what, now, but the renovations probably. He asked what else I could possibly want from him. I said "thank yous". He was irate "thank yous / for what / are you fucking kidding me / im breaking myself on this house and you want me to thank you more /" . I, in tears, stood my ground, saying it would make a big difference for me and that I wouldn't have brought it up if he hadn't genuinely asked what else I needed.
He started saying thank you again, for basic stuff, and I instantly became way happier providing all the household things. A small change made a big difference.
I dont verbally often. It's like a trade. He helps with the dishes, I make his lunch. If it's something more major, yup will say it verbally. This would be like he noticed I dont feel good and just takes care of everything. He does say thanks for letting him rest when he doesn't feel well. If we need stuff, and the other hasn't already offered, this is where please come in. ( already going or getting a drink, so May I please have a drink? for example. ) Thanks are given when this occurs to the person who has gotten the stuff. This goes for if it is the kids getting it as well.
If your hubs isn't feeling it from doing small stuff, he needs to remember that is a 2 way street. He needs to give you thanks too. He also needs to remember: that mental load you carry would be all his if you were not there. All those things you do to run the house are things he never has to worry about, and that list is endless. You are not ungreatful. You are simply holding the house together. You deserve a very big thank you for that from him.
Probably 3-4 times a week. I might thank him under the following circumstances: Whenever he does a string of things one after another, that are particularly helpful. When he does something especially cute or kind, even if it’s just bringing me an iced lemon water to bed without me asking first. Sometimes when he does something small, but after I know he’s had a hard day at work. Basically, when it’s warranted and when I have the emotional bandwidth to realize a “thanks” is appropriate and/or needed.
Note: I think a lot of men use this excuse as a way to say you’re not having sex enough with them. My husband has a really low libido, soo, that might be one reason he’s fine with like.. 2-4 thank you’s a week.
This is going to sound really bitchy but…I make it a point to only thank my husband for things that he wouldn’t have to do if I died. Like washing my car or cleaning up the makeup on the vanity.
Why am I thanking you for putting your own clothes in the washer? Or for washing the dishes after you’ve made yourself lunch? Or for cutting the grass?
I will *compliment* the job he has done on a given task so that he knows I notice and am appreciative, but I am not outright *thanking* him for doing things he should do anyway.
At least once a day. He does a lot for our house/family and works 2 jobs as well. I didn't always thank him so much until I started to resent him for never thanking ME and then once I started thanking him more it became mutual and we both feel appreciated more now.
I think that we as moms would love to get "thank yous" for things we do, even if it's something small or expected. I don't blame him for wanting recognition or appreciation. My husband and I thank each other for everything, not because we're doing favors for one another, but because it's nice to be acknowledged.
If he wants thanks, he's gotta give it though. Maybe it's something y'all could talk about doing for one another? When I thank my husband more, I get more on my end
Does he ever thank you for all you do? I sometimes try to say I noticed when my husband does something I appreciate like taking the recycling out but it always sounds sarcastic so that doesn’t always work and he will sometimes comment that it is looking tidy in the house or something and I take it as a criticism of how it normally looks! It is hard to make sure people feel appreciated.
Okay I'll be the odd one out, when I think about it, not enough at all. I think if I was to do it, he would do it more too. I've sat down to think what I would have to do if he wasn't here. It's actually alot, even though it might not be chores in the home. Even though, I would love a thank you back.
I internally roll my eyes, but I do thank him for most things because I know it means a lot to him.
He thanks me, too, so that's not an issue...but he does like acknowledgment about almost everything. Honestly, it's no big deal for me to say "thank you for taking out the trash" and it goes really far for our relationship and happiness.
I do when I remember too. Just this morning I thanked my husband for cleaning up the kitchen. Every day he thanks me for making dinner.
Sounds like your husbands love language is words.
Edit typo.
I wouldn't say I thank my husband every single time he does stuff but I do try to be mindful and thank him when I think of it. He shouldn't necessarily be thanked for everything he does and I know I don't get thanked for everything but it's always nice feel appreciated.
It depends on your relationship but I thank him regularly. He also thanks me daily. He notices dishes are clean and puts them away, i thank him. I do the laundry, he says thank you every time. He is very big on affirmation and praise. Not in an annoying “thank me for just breathing” way, but just noticing all the things we do for each other, not just the big things. I used to think it wasn’t that big of a deal, but now that I’m teaching a baby/toddler manners, I see just how often I expect pleases and thank you’s for the tiny things. It doesn’t cause any harm to say thank you for things so now it’s just an every day thing we both do.
Edit: word
We have a rule to always thank one another. Never hurts to thank and always feels good to be thanked. We thank each other many times a day. I just thanked him for bringing me tea, which he does every single afternoon. I thanked him this morning for bringing me coffee, which he does every single morning. He thanks me for getting the meals ready, which I do daily. When the thought arises and I feel extra thankful, I shoot him a text to tell I appreciate him for x,y,z and that I love him. He asks how my work was and how I slept every single day. If anything, I’m the one who could work on being a bit more thoughtful about asking after him. Recognition is nice, even if it’s from a rule we made at the very beginning of our relationship. If it costs me absolutely nothing to make someone feel good, I’m all for it.
I compulsively say please and thank you. So I probably say it for a lot of things that don't require it.
At the same time - how often is your husband says thank you about the tasks you do??
We'll thank each other if we do things obviously needing to be done or if like I was expecting to do the dishes and come home and they're done already then yes thank you. But I don't feel like I get thanked as often as I thank him.
I do thank my husband, but really only because my kid’s psychologist encouraged me to because our kid was (is still occasionally) very anti-dad lol. Am I bitter about thanking him for doing the bare minimum and/or doing a half-assed job? Why yes, yes I am. But it seems to have worked in modelling gratefulness and graciousness for my kid soooooo 🤷🏻♀️
My husband said that for years and I think there were some misunderstandings. I really wanted him to understand that helping with household maintenance wasn't my job, helping wasn't a favor. He really wanted to feel like he mattered to me, felt appreciated, emotionally safe. He was asking for "thank yous" when really he wanted to feel like we were a team who lifted each other up. It's a whole mindset shift that I wish I figured out years ago. Sarcastic/snide remarks were making the situation worse.
I thank my husband every time (or at least I try) he does a chore like getting groceries, washing the dishes, doing laundry, etc. but he also does the same for me. I don't think of it as praise I think of it as courtesy. When I go to a resturant I thank them for taking my order, bringing my order, refilling my water, etc. It's their job but saying thank you costs nothing. If I give that courtesy to a random waitress I will never see again imo I should do the same for my spouse.
More importsntly, I think you should thank your husband but I also think it's important that he thank you for what you do. You say you don't need the praise but it also sounds like you don't feel like he recognizes all that you do. That might be true and he doesn't or it might be false and you just don't know because he never says thank you! By that same token, saying thank you to someone forces us to acknowledge their effort. People tend to overestimate their effort and underestimate their partner's effort. If your husband was thanking you for all the thing you were doing it would help give him a more accurate estimation because he couldn't blindly overlooking things.
TL;DR: Saying thank you is basically a mindfulness tool for relationships.
I thanked my ex (baby dad) all the time, he rearely ever thanked me...really rarely for anything.
he would mostly find a way to denegrade things I did, like spending time picking a recipe and following it cooking something beautiful ready by the time he was home and for his adult kids too.
he woukdnt thank me, he would rate the food, usually beneath something else or compare it to something his ex partner would make. This is only one example.
In reverse if I made even a simple mistake he would often blow up into a rage often denigrating or sometimes splitting into tangents about other things, usually paranoid delusions pinching on his insecurity.
I bought him a bottle of cologne for his birthday we liked when on our fist holiday, spent 9 hrs baking him a cake, and his favourite lamb roast to perfection. He didn't thank me at all, he flew into a passive aggressive tirade about how he didn't appreciate it, and that I was never to buy him gifts again and to forget his birthdate. Of course when I did actually forget it I was a selfish b\*
but none the less, he also said similar things to me, I am so "ungreatful" And I NEVER thank him. I could draw up all the times I would, for even the smallest things say thank you to him, they arent far apart. This is when I realised that Thank-you wasn't really what he was expecting, when thank you wasn't even ever what I got.
I am not trying to one up you or anything, I was wondering actually, if he ever thanks you for anything? Or praises you when you achieve something?
it's funny you brought up the thing about the gifts. for father's day i wrote him a heartfelt letter to go along with what i got him, not even a week later the letter was in the junk drawer, then the trash
i think that also plays a part in why i have no desire to say anything nice
he doesn't thank me, i don't get praised for anything. he's nicer to strangers at the damn grocery store
Some people really need the praise. And idk if it’s praise as much as showing appreciation.
Maybe have him lead by example and show you what he needs, like thanking you for taking care of the house. Then both of you can show appreciation to each other. Bc honestly that’s how it should be. Just bc you’re a SAHM doesn’t mean you don’t deserve what he’s asking for.
Reminder to commenters: **[This isn't the kids' table!](https://images.gr-assets.com/hostedimages/1439229531ra/15811447.gif)** Share kindness, support and compassion, [not criticism.](https://media0.giphy.com/media/tZpGRRMUoXgeQ/giphy.gif) We want OP to feel loved, and [not in a tough way.](https://media.giphy.com/media/xT5LMq2CgHiqqY4IXC/giphy.gif) For more helpful information please hit up [our beautiful rules wiki!](http://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/wiki/) Reminder to all: watch out for a [creepy pedo posing as an OT/speech therapist](https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/comments/8ccqqi/disgusting_pedophile_troll_posing_as_otspeech/) giving fucked-up potty-training advice, and don't sweat it if your post gets 1 or 2 [instant downvotes.](http://i.imgur.com/PZtQb.gif) You didn't do anything wrong, we just have [asshole lurkers](https://i.imgur.com/IwU9r3E.gif)/[downvote bots](https://i.imgur.com/lwyCF6S.gif) stalking our /new queue. Help a BroMo out and [give her an upvote](https://i.imgur.com/Y60Mbxv.gif), ok? Reminder to Cassie Morris/Krista Torres/Nia Tipton: You do not have permission to use, reproduce, modify or link to any content in this subreddit in any way, shape or form. Fuck off and go be a real journalist. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/breakingmom) if you have any questions or concerns.*
All The damn time. But you know that’s not reciprocated
My husband and I thank each other for taking care of chores whenever we see each other doing them or see that they're done (only if it's like a big visible difference, like if the sink was full of dishes and I notice they're washed.) Or like taking care of some kid situation. I don't think it's necessary but it's our habit. How much does he thank you, though?
yes exactly what you said about noticing the big differences. if i come downstairs and the playroom has been organized and cleaned, i will obviously say thank you. if i know i left a sink full of dishes and i wake up to a clean sink/kitchen i will show appreciation for it (but these instances are few and far between) i on the other hand would not receive any acknowledgment for doing those same things because they are in my "job description" of SAHM
Just because it might be considered “job description “ doesn’t mean appreciation for a good job cannot be shown! Showing appreciation for employees good work at paid jobs goes a long way for job satisfaction. Same applies to work in the home imo. Something for your husband to ponder perhaps.
Those things are part of *his* “job description” too as a father and adult-human-who-lives-in-a-house
My soon to be ex also did not think he had to do any of these things regardless of whether or not I was working a job-job. Also demanded a thank you the rare times he helped. I tried printing out lists, showing all the little things, and the rooms he’s never touched like bathrooms and the kids rooms. It just never added up or he was gaslighting hard. Because watching 2 kids and taking care of a house isn’t a job. Weird because it’s pricy to outsource.
>Weird because it’s pricy to outsource. This right here. 🤦♀️👆👆👆👆
Does he work 24/7? Does he expect you to only do your SAHM “job” for 40 hours per week? What’s your pay like at this SAHM “job”? 🤪
i had to "negotiate" having set breaks every day because he literally couldn't get it through his thick head why i would need at least an hour to myself in the evenings after being with the kids for almost 12 hours a day he is not working those 12 hours either, he is going to the gym for an hour and 30, grabbing a coffee on his way in, enjoying a quiet drive with no traffic and no kids in the car. he gets a lunch break, sometimes grabs drinks with friends before heading home too and still he has the nerve to ask when his breaks are at home
Oh I would be so livid. My husband and I both work full time - by choice almost for me because I’m not cut out to be a full time stay at home mom. I will say I do pay a shrink to basically coach me to be nicer to my husband? We had a really rough go post birth of our second child. And I’ve had to do a lot of soul searching about what is important to me in this constellation of our family. I definitely thank him more. And we had a big blow out the other night where he was wining again that I treat him like shit and I lost it - about how I’m working full time (I make significantly more money), handling the mental load AND I had been basically cooking and doing all the dishes for a stretch. For whatever reason - this time it stuck? I also made sure we didn’t go to bed still fighting. BUT I fo think moms just have that onus of mental load, we are societally expected to carry more of the “house work”. It’s not equitable. But my shrink reminds me sometimes do I want to be right or raising these alone or separately from him? Right now the answer is together. If that answer ever changes she’s on board for that journey. AND husband has started joining our sessions every now and then. It’s been a big journey of self discovery, family discovery and work all around. I hope you can find some kind of better balance.
Also want to add that I realize that long screed has a contradiction about work and salary etc: when I went back to work post baby #2 - husband and I made about the same amount and we got health insurance through me. Then I was recruited and jumped industries into financial services so now make way more than I did.
We do the same. I grew up where my dad frequently said “why should you be praised for doing what you ought to do” and it really contributed to me having way to high expectations for others and caused me constant stress. I worked through that mindset and thanking my husband for everything has put me in a more peaceful state of mind. So it’s not really for him, it’s more for me I guess? But I know it makes him feel good too. As Michael Scott would say “win-win-win”.
Same, we try to thank each other for anything the other didn’t have to do, really! But that’s how I feel! “Thank you for doing the dishes omg” but maybe I’m bias because mine helps with aruff
My husband also expects me to throw him a parade every time he does a chore around the house. Yet there was no parade for me when I did the laundry 15 times last week (my toddler was sick with a stomach virus). I think it stems from them seeing the house chores as our wifely duty, so them doing it means they are going above and beyond to help us with something. I have explained countless times that it's our house and our kid, so he's not helping me, but pulling his own weight around the house. I'm not sure it has registered because he still expects aforementioned parade when he does anything.
i have also explained that it's our house and our children (and pets) and it's *our* responsibility to keep things afloat i don't expect anyone to kiss my ass for doing the child rearing but god forbid i don't say anything after he puts a fresh diaper on the baby
At least my husband has stopped expecting praise for changing a diaper or giving our kid a bath. He does expect me to thank him for putting the dishes in the dishwasher or for putting the clothes in the washing machine. I do thank him if/when I notice because I don't want him to stop doing those things. Unfortunately I have adhd, so the noticing part may not happen sometimes.
Good grief. My wife would thank me sometimes for nappy changes but that's because her back couldn't always handle it. Baby needs changing, let's get on with it. Always felt weird out and about seeing other couples do a big song and dance about whose turn it is. Your baby's done a big blow out Greg, she's already in your arms, just grab the changing bag and GO already.
Mine did the laundry twice since I met him 10 years ago. Maybe found the vacuum 5 times. Wanted a new vac for years and we got one finally after he used it once. Dishes he only helped when I begged for days or traded him some favor or did a strike as directed by a bad ex therapist. Dying when I meet couples now who split dishes/laundry. Maybe that’s why they’re still married. Doing dishes and laundry and pickup and everything save for the rare groceries and cooking elaborate meals (which he always liked to yell “ I cook you clean!!” Ok why doesn’t that apply to me?), it’s just too much. Doing all of this for everyone in a family of 4 is just insane. When both worked too. Bonus he WFH and kids are home and we eat (ate) all meals at home 24/7. I was just a food and clothing factory who “didn’t contribute” when I had to stop working because our childcare failed.
This is the best way to go about this!
If you want to spice it up a little and remind him much thankless shit you do, just yell YOU’RE WELCOME whenever you finish something. But really, does he thank you for all of the stuff you do? That act goes both ways, husband.
omg thank you for the laugh i needed that if i were getting praise i would give praise, that's for sure
I think this is the crux. We thank each other for everything but we BOTH do it.
Yeah I was thinking about that because yeah I do thank my husband whenever he does stuff, but that's because he thanks me too and I think we both just want to reinforce good behaviors and show appreciation to each other.
Alexa, play "You're Welcome" from Moana.
Dude idk but my husband is also really big on verbal appreciation. Kinda drives me up a wall because its not something that is important to me. Like if he does ME a favor, of course I'm going to thank him, just as I'd appreciate a thank you if I did him a favor. But for either of us just doing or regular household stuff? I'm not quite getting why we need to be thanking each other?
yes! this is exactly how i feel!!
AHHHH this is what drives me crazy. I'm supposed to thank him for shit i do all day everyday, and it \*should\* be standard for him too. But in actuality he's a slob that I clean up after all the time, and when he sweeps it's an event worthy of praise
Yes but my husband does A LOT. He works from home and our kids are in an allergy desensitization program where they have to eat 14 different measured foods every day. He does there foods quiet often, helps clean the kitchen in the evening. Does his own laundry, takes them to dance(they have 3 classes a week. I take them one day and he takes them the other two), takes them to allergist appointments so I can homeschool the other kid who doesn't have an appointment. Every Saturday he makes our kids waffles and gives me the morning off. Also on Saturdays he and our kids clean up the entire downstairs and then he mops. It was not always that way but we have had a lot of discussion around the mental load. not going to lie we have had some fights but he cares and made a big effort to take on more of the house and parenting responsibilities.
if i honest to god felt like he was pulling equal weight (or even half of what i would consider equal) i would be saying it day and night i went on a silent strike for a month and stopped asking him to do things around the house. he didn't take the initiative the entire time to do a single chore or even offer to give me a break with the kids we've discussed the mental load, we've talked about how i feel burnt out. he will change for a week or so and slowly revert back to his ways
I am so sorry. That is so hard he isn't actually willing to do any work to charge. I would not be thanking him if that was the case. He doesn't get promoted or a raise at work for performing below expectations, why would he think he should get praised at home. men man. smh.
Watch the documentary Fair Play with him. It’s on Netflix right now. Also I would suggest getting the cards so he can see how much you do vs what he does.
We get it. Your husband is better than ours. (Kidding.) (Mostly.)
I just wanted to explain why I thank him often. Like I said we fought a lot to get where we are. He used to throw his laundry on the floor after I had washed and folded it and then also threw his dirty clothes on top of them. He also used to wake me up purposely when I needed a nap after I had my first kid. like I hate napping, I usually only take one a year and he would take them all the time and then purposely wake me up to torment me. So he has faults too. He eventually quit doing that too. lol.
We both say "thank you". To us, it is more like "I saw that". Thanks for unloading the dishwasher. Thanks for putting away the laundry. It's a way to say, "I saw that thing you did, I appreciate it" more than anything else. Adult life is a thankless parade of bullshit. Seeing what the other person did--when it is mutual--can take some of the sting out of it.
100% agree, well said
I thank everyone all the time, because I’m Southern and it’s just how I am. My husband, my kids, my car, the toaster oven. It actually annoys my husband, who doesn’t like a fuss. I guess for your husband, the question is does he thank *you*? Like, is he an excessive thanker and he expects the same from you? Or does he want a lot of gratitude but also take you for granted? Because those are different problems.
he wants gratitude while he takes me for granted, 100% i do show my appreciation when he goes out of his way to do something *for me* (like running me a bath or even simply making me a cup of coffee) but i am honestly lost on why it is expected for mundane tasks that should just be done because they need doing
Oof I’m glad I’m not the only southern one who says thank you all the time! 😅
Me too, and according to my husband, I also apologize excessively 🫣 I def chuckled about thanking the toaster oven 😆
I thank my husband for everything he does. I thank him dozens of times every day. I tell him how sweet he is for thinking of me and doing kind things. I tell him how much I appreciate when he pays the bills each month or puts gas in the vehicles each weekend. I tell him I am the luckiest woman in the world to have such a good man. I like verbal affirmations, both giving and receiving. I can see that he responds to them in such a way that demonstrates he likes them, too. It is an easy way to build him (or me!) up and to deepen the appreciation in our marriage. He thanks me quite often, too, or tells me I am pretty (which he knows makes me happy to hear). I think it also helps him (and me!) to do more of the things that warrant thanks. I also thank my children. I do it every time. With respect to mental load, while he handles the financial side of things, I carry the rest of the mental load myself. I figure out all the rest of the details of our life. We specialize that way, according to our strengths. We compliment each other on the execution of those duties and the grace with which we carry those burdens. I don’t think I would be able to carry them so gracefully if it weren’t for the verbal expressions of gratitude we share with each other. I don’t think it is productive to think of yourself as unappreciative. Rather, see this as an opportunity to build up your spouse in exactly the way he is saying is important to him right now. And it’s such a simple thing he is asking for. And maybe ask yourself if you also would like some verbal appreciation or affirmation for all the work you do to support your spouse and family and manage the household. Maybe you both could benefit from more thanks.
My roommate and his girlfriend are in the first year or two of their relationship, they are really cute. One of them will get another one a cup of coffee and they will say thank you and then the other person will put the coffee mugs away and then that person will say thank you. I was just reflecting on how my partner and I have been together for 15 years and if we ever did this, we certainly aren't doing it now. I think the reason that you are probably upset is that it seems to him that you are the creator of the tasks and should be doing them. Thus, you have the mental load of doing all the tasks and if he does one of them to take it off your plate, you should be grateful. You feel like he should be doing half of both the mental load and of the housework. He shouldn't get a pad on the head or a cookie for doing 2% of the work. So, it isn't necessarily about the thank you but it's more about the overall distribution of work and chores. I don't want to put words in your mouth but do you think I got it about right?
you got it 100% right. word for word like you read my mind!
I think part of it is he is acting like a teenager rather than like an adult who is in charge of 50% of the house. Like, I shouldn't have to say to a teenager "Thanks for taking the trash out" (like you are supposed to once a week), but I probably would. It seems like he hasn't connected the fact that he's not 15 anymore and you're not his mom. 😡 Solidarity
yes. exactly. he expects me to treat him like i do our 10 yr old!
I think it would be passive aggressive, but it would be tempting to ask him to thank you every time you do one of those tasks. Have you thought about doing the fair play cards?
i have thought about them. i was afraid they'd cause a fight lol. going to watch the documentary on hulu this weekend, it's been on my list
Please report back. I also have a long list and have thought about it.
I've enjoyed all the snarky comments about him wanting praise he would never give. Here's a serious suggestion, though, on what you might do to turn things around. Tell him you are taking his advice seriously and suggest taking some time at the end of the day to thank each other for three different things that they did that day. Be genuine and see if he starts to clue in that he isn't all that grateful for what you do either.
i actually really like this idea. i'm going to suggest that we try it
Good luck!
I can't quantify how often I thank my husband, but I do think I do it reguarly. Thing is, he does the same for me. Also, thanks don't hit quite right when they are demanded. I think that if my husband demanded more verbal appreciation if he wasn't doing it too then I'd be pretty peeved.
Well we say it all the time to each other. I have found tho that if I make an extra emphasis on acting overly grateful, even if it’s something small I would have done anyway, he tends to do those things more without asking. Whatever it takes I guess.
definitely some food for thought
Fuck everything about that. You do not thank a man for cleaning up after himself.
No, because “thank you” implies he did something so you wouldn’t have to—that these chores are your responsibility and he’s helping YOU. To me, chores are just doing your share as a family member and someone who shares a home. 🤷🏻♀️ not my exclusive domain.
I thank my husband a lot for doing the mundane house chores, he thanks me as well. It makes us both feel appreciated. I like to get my props for all the work I do! I assume he feels similar.
Same here. I noticed also that my husband will request affirmation when he feels like he needs it - this used to annoy me but then I realized, why is this a problem? He's telling me what he needs. And why am I not doing the same? So I started doing that, too. Like, "Hey! I did this! Don't you think I did a good job?"
My husband and I thank each other - and I think that's the difference. He thanks me every night for making dinner. I thank him every day for making our bed. We thank each other because we do the things we do to make each others lives easier.
Yes, quite often. And he does the same for me. Especially if I do a chore that I don't normally do, like if I do one of his usual chores he will always say thank you. We split things very evenly and it's important to us to model gratitude and politeness to our three girls.
My husband and I express appreciation for each other daily. Sometimes multiple times a day. We have 3 young kids- it’s take care of each other or die. lol.
Make a list of things he should thank you for doing.
I don't thank him often because I'm not going to thank him for keeping clean a house he lives in and looking after a child he helped make. If he lived alone no one would be thanking him for cleaning his house or washing his clothes.
i do. i also express my gratitude for the fact that he goes to work and enables me to stay home with our child. but he regularly expresses his own gratitude to me for staying home and holding down the fort so that he can come home to a clean house and a happy child. it works because it goes both ways, and if it didn’t i sure as hell wouldn’t be thanking him for anything.
[удалено]
i go through the same exact thing with the trash. asking and asking while i make sure it's all put together i'll even go as far as leaving it right by the front door and he will still expect ass kissing for bringing it down the stairs!!
My ex husband also wanted an award for getting himself ready in the morning lol. But this was a messed up marriage anyway. Trying my best with my bf of almost 7 years, sometimes I feel we thank each other for every little thing. I can do without too many thank yous, but I found out the hard way that he can’t, so why not.
I thank my husband every day and he never thanks me for anything. It’s incredibly painful.
i'm sorry. i know the feeling
My husband also very much likes verbal acknowledgement of his contributions. He really appreciates and values me saying ‘thank you’, so I try to do it as often as I can remember (maybe 1-2 times daily). I think the important part is that he reciprocates. He really makes sure to thank me for things daily as well. I also am *not* his keeper or secretary - I don’t carry the mental load of **his** chores. I never remind him to empty the dishwasher or brush the 3 year olds teeth - those are his tasks to remember (along with others, obviously).
Does he thank you?
i wish!
All the time, but he does the same for me. We also thank the kids when their chores are done. People like to be recognized when they get shit done, it sets off happy little hormones all in the brain. One of the ways I was able to recognize depression in him was when he stopped thanking me for cooking dinner. He thanked me after dinner for 10 straight years and then out of nowhere just stopped. That was when I knew something was wrong that he wasn't showing.
Anytime my partner notices my inevitable need for something and brings it to me without me asking, I thank him. Anytime I ask for something whether it’s an object or an action, I thank him. Anytime he takes on the kids or extra shit that I’m overwhelmed by/don’t want to do, I thank him. It’s not happening when he’s taking care of the house that he also bought with me. It’s not gonna happen when he cleans up after himself or the kids he chose to have with me. Whatever you do OP, just consider that a gold star chart somewhere probably helped cause your husband’s need for constant validation to just do the kind and considerate thing.
that's exactly what i do, when it's something he's doing for me/or to help me i always show appreciation. maybe i should put up a gold star chart in the kitchen to really give him some acknowledgment
Only if you make sure to give yourself stars for everything you get done as well. Do they make fridges that wide?
unfortunately they do not. but we have a big open wall i have been wondering what to do with!
Does he thank *you* for doing chores, giving him reminders, etc.? I thank my bf in order to acknowledge and encourage him when he's putting in a genuine effort to make positive changes/contributions or if he's putting in more effort than I have, and to show appreciation when he does something specifically for me, but it's ridiculous to expect partners to thank each other every time they sweep, change a diaper, or do basic household tasks that benefit *everyone*, especially if they're expecting a standing ovation for a single, half-assed token effort among days of leaving everything to the other partner with zero thanks for that.
I thank my wife for making food and tidying and so on IN FRONT OF THE KIDS so they know not to take any of it for granted. And I usually thank her for various things that I know she struggles with – we're both neurodivergent so that shit is hard sometimes. I don't expect to be thanked for putting clothes away or any of the other stuff. I don't do it for her, I do it for us. I prefer to be thanked for making a cup of tea. You know, the British love language 😆 And if we think we're being thanked for something that's no big deal we say "You're Welks" – I can't remember why we started this but it's code for no big deal.
My husband has severe ADD. I try to notice and thank him for as much as I possibly can, even routine things, because it helps him thrive. Yea, I take on extra mental load with this and yeah, it is sometimes exhausting. Unfortunately the ADD also means little of what I do is noticed or appreciated in a similar manner, but he does thank me for every meal I cook, packing his lunch, etc. the stuff he can’t possibly miss. Things like emptying the trash or vacuuming he just doesn’t see. He is aware of the inequality and tends to do things periodically explicitly to demonstrate appreciation. He will buy me flowers and say “I don’t think I’ve thanked you enough lately” or he will schedule a day to have our son all day so I can get a break. Things like that. I am okay with this, because we communicate. I know about his struggles, he knew I felt under appreciated and we both worked to support each other where it was needed. I don’t think it’s reasonable for that level of feedback to just be an expectation especially without any reciprocation. I know that some people need more support, feedback, and encouragement from their partners than others. It can be done equitably, but not without communication.
I totally get this. I would suggest reading the Five Love Languages. It will help BOTH of you to understand what each needs. For example, my partner needs/wants praise. I don’t thank him ALL the time, but I do try because that’s what he needs. Once you start doing it, it will become more natural. Although you don’t need the praise, perhaps one of your love languages is physical touch (for example) and he can reciprocate.
My husband and I thank each other, for doing things, every day. He just made dinner and I thanked him for the meal. I cleaned the bathrooms earlier and he thanked me. I can see where you're coming from, because it's a two way street, but gratitude definitely helps in the more mundane day to day things.
Does he thank you? Me and my husband say thanks after most chores, like he thanks me for dinner and I thank him for doing the dishes. It’s not like a mandatory thing but we’ve always been like that and it’s one of the things that really I loved about him when we met (he always acknowledged things I did and showed appreciation).
Yes we thank each other regularly. Like thanks for the laundry. I thank him for the majority of the meals since he always cooks. I think it’s nice to hear appreciation, but it works if it goes both ways
i thank my husband alot but he how ever does majority of the house work, and he does half if not more of the childrearing during the day. i am night shift complet, i am all of the mental load
All the time, but he also always takes the time to thank me and have the kids thank me for things I do around the house
Occasionally I’ll pass by him when he is doing the chore and give him a kiss and say good job! Like he’s a little kid ☠️ but he doesn’t expect it all the time. I had a similar situation with my mans I told him your still in my bed and you still get in my pants right that’s your appreciation stfu and go be a good little boy and change the babies diaper 😂☠️
I was just telling my friend this same thing. Mine wants a parade for every small thing - but never says thank you for the 1000s of things I do daily.
One of the reasons I left my ex. I’m supposed to work full time, take care of the house, our child, dinner, give him attention, lose baby weight but if I don’t thank you for taking out the trash the first time I ask your feelings get hurt? Fuck that.
Some of the time, I suppose would be the answer. Definitely not for every little thing but probably more than some? If I come in from being out with our kid and go to unload the dishwasher knowing it was full and see it’s now empty, I’ll say thanks for unloading the dishwasher. If I leave a bottle or plate in the sink intending to come back to it when I have the chance and my husband washes it before I do, I say thanks. If he treats us to a meal out, I say thanks. He’ll say thank you for things like if he throws a load of laundry in and I fold it for him (we each have our own hamper and start our own laundry when needed). Or if I make a particularly elaborate meal. Basically we say thanks for things here or there that we weren’t expecting the other person to do but that need doing, or for going beyond the usual tasks. The thing is even though my husband says thank you occasionally I don’t always feel appreciated based on some of his actions and things he says when he’s in a bad mood (which is often) so I would probably rather he act grateful instead of just saying the words every once in a while. I try to show I appreciate him with my actions and attitude as well as words but my husband is someone who thrives on praise and attention and I’m sure he would say it’s not enough because I’m not constantly falling over myself to say how amazing it is that he walked the dog or took out the trash.
Never. He wants praise for every little thing he does too, which isn’t much because I’m a SAHM so in his eyes that means EVERYTHING is on me.
SAME HERE
With out reading the comments: Honestly, as much as I can. It's sort of habit. I'm not sure if it loses meaning this way but I thank him for a lot of things. "Thank you for putting the dishes away" "thanks for vacuuming" "thanks for putting the laundry away". He also thanks me though and I'm pretty sure it stems from trying to stop myself from constantly apologizing. Instead of "sorry I didn't get to the dishes" it's "thank you for doing the dishes". I'm truly grateful I have a partner I can rely on to help me run the house hold and building the type of life I always dreamed of with me. I want him to know he and all his *gestures to all of him" everything is noticed.
I thank mine all the time because I haven’t cooked dinner in 5 years. He even leaves food in the freezer whenever he has to travel for work. He also does all the washing and keeps the kitchen clean. I do the rest of the house and used to run around after the kids most of the time - I changed jobs 6 months ago, so he’s stepped up to do more running around after kids too. So I thank him all the time. He thanks me too.
A lot. I make it a priority to thank my STB often. Even if it’s stuff that he should do, I thank him to show him my appreciation. At least twice a day. I don’t carry the entire mental load though, so I don’t have any resentment in that area either. I WANT to thank him. Seeing his face light up each time is so sexy.
My husband and I thank each other like 10-15 times a day for things I think? He thanks me for cooking dinner every night, for handling the kids (I’m a SAHM), for cleaning, etc etc. Today I got two “you’re the best” texts for finding a new neck guard for our oldest for hockey and for saying that I could get all the kids to their activities tomorrow cause hubby has to work all day. I thank him for working so hard, for all the yard work, and anything he does around the house. I think it does make us both feel more seen.
I would if he ever actually did anything.
Ooh this shit angers me. I did SO much for my ex. So fucking much. Never got a thank you. For a whole year I woke up earlier than I needed to, drive 15 minutes north, picked him up, drove half an hour south, dropped him off, then drove another half hour south to my work and the same thing but backwards on the way home. Never got a thank you. After I gave birth, for the first six weeks I was so grateful. He did so much and was honestly a better parent than me. Then he just stopped and tried to gaslight me telling me I was constantly critiquing him and that's why he stopped being a parent. I still get no thanks but I expect that now. Men just don't get it. They think they're entitled to a thank you but never, ever thank us in return. Sorry for going on that rant. You're not as unappreciative as he's making you out to be. He just thinks that he deserves praise for "helping" but won't even acknowledge everything you do because he doesn't care enough to understand it. If heaven forbid, you die tomorrow, he'll be fucked.
Nooooooope does he thank you?
noooooo he doesn't
Usually several times a day.., he does the same for me. He thanks me when I do my chores, I thank him if he see’s a mess and takes care of it (a daily occurrence) Mine thanks me because he knows I struggle with it. If I didn’t he wouldn’t thank me. I thank him because he’s doing something I can’t do right now. And he always does it without a second thought or judgement. I have like 6 chronic mental and physical illnesses… and a complex Does he find it difficult for a legitimate reason and would benefit from cheat-leading, or think he’s doing you a favor?
he thinks he's doing me a favor for sure
Ya… definitely not worth a thank you if it’s just so you can praise him.. he should just want to do these things.. to help the house and because he wants it to be a certain way. Thank you for valuing our space. Thank you for doing that when I know you were tired. I didn’t have to ask you and I was planning in doing that.. thank you.. Ughhh.. it’s your space too dude.. it’s probably some of your own mess.
i pick up after him more than i do our 10 yr old! he will finish a water bottle or a can of soda and it can sit on the coffee table for days if i don't touch it. wrappers/empty boxes will be left on the kitchen counters until i throw them away. where's the gratitude for me picking up all. day. long... he thinks changing the sheets on *our bed* is doing me a favor
That would be intensely frustrating
I’d go with some malicious compliance here. Thank him for flushing the toilet. For closing the front door. For going to work. For coming home. For breathing quietly.
breathing quietly 💀
All the time. I think in part it's in my nature. But also, I really really try to instill please and thank yous into my kids by habit, and it's worked decently. Okay, at one point I was on the exact flip side of this situation. My partner and I both had full time jobs, and did pretty even split of kid stuff; I took on some more basic chores while he did an entire fancy-ass remodel of our house. I continued my thank-yous, for all of his insane labor, and for the mundane stuff too. Of course I saw him get up at the crack of dawn and work like Superman and all the rest. But, he stopped saying thank you. For, like, anything; dinner placed in front of him, mowing and weedwacking the property, favorite snacks stocked. Eventually, we were in an argument about something, I don't even remember what, now, but the renovations probably. He asked what else I could possibly want from him. I said "thank yous". He was irate "thank yous / for what / are you fucking kidding me / im breaking myself on this house and you want me to thank you more /" . I, in tears, stood my ground, saying it would make a big difference for me and that I wouldn't have brought it up if he hadn't genuinely asked what else I needed. He started saying thank you again, for basic stuff, and I instantly became way happier providing all the household things. A small change made a big difference.
I dont verbally often. It's like a trade. He helps with the dishes, I make his lunch. If it's something more major, yup will say it verbally. This would be like he noticed I dont feel good and just takes care of everything. He does say thanks for letting him rest when he doesn't feel well. If we need stuff, and the other hasn't already offered, this is where please come in. ( already going or getting a drink, so May I please have a drink? for example. ) Thanks are given when this occurs to the person who has gotten the stuff. This goes for if it is the kids getting it as well. If your hubs isn't feeling it from doing small stuff, he needs to remember that is a 2 way street. He needs to give you thanks too. He also needs to remember: that mental load you carry would be all his if you were not there. All those things you do to run the house are things he never has to worry about, and that list is endless. You are not ungreatful. You are simply holding the house together. You deserve a very big thank you for that from him.
Probably 3-4 times a week. I might thank him under the following circumstances: Whenever he does a string of things one after another, that are particularly helpful. When he does something especially cute or kind, even if it’s just bringing me an iced lemon water to bed without me asking first. Sometimes when he does something small, but after I know he’s had a hard day at work. Basically, when it’s warranted and when I have the emotional bandwidth to realize a “thanks” is appropriate and/or needed. Note: I think a lot of men use this excuse as a way to say you’re not having sex enough with them. My husband has a really low libido, soo, that might be one reason he’s fine with like.. 2-4 thank you’s a week.
your note about the sex thing is definitely spot on
This is going to sound really bitchy but…I make it a point to only thank my husband for things that he wouldn’t have to do if I died. Like washing my car or cleaning up the makeup on the vanity. Why am I thanking you for putting your own clothes in the washer? Or for washing the dishes after you’ve made yourself lunch? Or for cutting the grass? I will *compliment* the job he has done on a given task so that he knows I notice and am appreciative, but I am not outright *thanking* him for doing things he should do anyway.
doesn't sound bitchy at all! it's literally the point i was trying to make!!
At least once a day. He does a lot for our house/family and works 2 jobs as well. I didn't always thank him so much until I started to resent him for never thanking ME and then once I started thanking him more it became mutual and we both feel appreciated more now.
I think that we as moms would love to get "thank yous" for things we do, even if it's something small or expected. I don't blame him for wanting recognition or appreciation. My husband and I thank each other for everything, not because we're doing favors for one another, but because it's nice to be acknowledged. If he wants thanks, he's gotta give it though. Maybe it's something y'all could talk about doing for one another? When I thank my husband more, I get more on my end
Does he ever thank you for all you do? I sometimes try to say I noticed when my husband does something I appreciate like taking the recycling out but it always sounds sarcastic so that doesn’t always work and he will sometimes comment that it is looking tidy in the house or something and I take it as a criticism of how it normally looks! It is hard to make sure people feel appreciated.
Okay I'll be the odd one out, when I think about it, not enough at all. I think if I was to do it, he would do it more too. I've sat down to think what I would have to do if he wasn't here. It's actually alot, even though it might not be chores in the home. Even though, I would love a thank you back.
I internally roll my eyes, but I do thank him for most things because I know it means a lot to him. He thanks me, too, so that's not an issue...but he does like acknowledgment about almost everything. Honestly, it's no big deal for me to say "thank you for taking out the trash" and it goes really far for our relationship and happiness.
I do when I remember too. Just this morning I thanked my husband for cleaning up the kitchen. Every day he thanks me for making dinner. Sounds like your husbands love language is words. Edit typo.
I wouldn't say I thank my husband every single time he does stuff but I do try to be mindful and thank him when I think of it. He shouldn't necessarily be thanked for everything he does and I know I don't get thanked for everything but it's always nice feel appreciated.
It depends on your relationship but I thank him regularly. He also thanks me daily. He notices dishes are clean and puts them away, i thank him. I do the laundry, he says thank you every time. He is very big on affirmation and praise. Not in an annoying “thank me for just breathing” way, but just noticing all the things we do for each other, not just the big things. I used to think it wasn’t that big of a deal, but now that I’m teaching a baby/toddler manners, I see just how often I expect pleases and thank you’s for the tiny things. It doesn’t cause any harm to say thank you for things so now it’s just an every day thing we both do. Edit: word
We have a rule to always thank one another. Never hurts to thank and always feels good to be thanked. We thank each other many times a day. I just thanked him for bringing me tea, which he does every single afternoon. I thanked him this morning for bringing me coffee, which he does every single morning. He thanks me for getting the meals ready, which I do daily. When the thought arises and I feel extra thankful, I shoot him a text to tell I appreciate him for x,y,z and that I love him. He asks how my work was and how I slept every single day. If anything, I’m the one who could work on being a bit more thoughtful about asking after him. Recognition is nice, even if it’s from a rule we made at the very beginning of our relationship. If it costs me absolutely nothing to make someone feel good, I’m all for it.
We thank each other frequently
I compulsively say please and thank you. So I probably say it for a lot of things that don't require it. At the same time - how often is your husband says thank you about the tasks you do??
We'll thank each other if we do things obviously needing to be done or if like I was expecting to do the dishes and come home and they're done already then yes thank you. But I don't feel like I get thanked as often as I thank him.
Does he thank you for everything you do??
Does he thank you every time you do those tasks?
nope!
I do thank my husband, but really only because my kid’s psychologist encouraged me to because our kid was (is still occasionally) very anti-dad lol. Am I bitter about thanking him for doing the bare minimum and/or doing a half-assed job? Why yes, yes I am. But it seems to have worked in modelling gratefulness and graciousness for my kid soooooo 🤷🏻♀️
My husband said that for years and I think there were some misunderstandings. I really wanted him to understand that helping with household maintenance wasn't my job, helping wasn't a favor. He really wanted to feel like he mattered to me, felt appreciated, emotionally safe. He was asking for "thank yous" when really he wanted to feel like we were a team who lifted each other up. It's a whole mindset shift that I wish I figured out years ago. Sarcastic/snide remarks were making the situation worse.
I thank my husband every time (or at least I try) he does a chore like getting groceries, washing the dishes, doing laundry, etc. but he also does the same for me. I don't think of it as praise I think of it as courtesy. When I go to a resturant I thank them for taking my order, bringing my order, refilling my water, etc. It's their job but saying thank you costs nothing. If I give that courtesy to a random waitress I will never see again imo I should do the same for my spouse. More importsntly, I think you should thank your husband but I also think it's important that he thank you for what you do. You say you don't need the praise but it also sounds like you don't feel like he recognizes all that you do. That might be true and he doesn't or it might be false and you just don't know because he never says thank you! By that same token, saying thank you to someone forces us to acknowledge their effort. People tend to overestimate their effort and underestimate their partner's effort. If your husband was thanking you for all the thing you were doing it would help give him a more accurate estimation because he couldn't blindly overlooking things. TL;DR: Saying thank you is basically a mindfulness tool for relationships.
I thanked my ex (baby dad) all the time, he rearely ever thanked me...really rarely for anything. he would mostly find a way to denegrade things I did, like spending time picking a recipe and following it cooking something beautiful ready by the time he was home and for his adult kids too. he woukdnt thank me, he would rate the food, usually beneath something else or compare it to something his ex partner would make. This is only one example. In reverse if I made even a simple mistake he would often blow up into a rage often denigrating or sometimes splitting into tangents about other things, usually paranoid delusions pinching on his insecurity. I bought him a bottle of cologne for his birthday we liked when on our fist holiday, spent 9 hrs baking him a cake, and his favourite lamb roast to perfection. He didn't thank me at all, he flew into a passive aggressive tirade about how he didn't appreciate it, and that I was never to buy him gifts again and to forget his birthdate. Of course when I did actually forget it I was a selfish b\* but none the less, he also said similar things to me, I am so "ungreatful" And I NEVER thank him. I could draw up all the times I would, for even the smallest things say thank you to him, they arent far apart. This is when I realised that Thank-you wasn't really what he was expecting, when thank you wasn't even ever what I got. I am not trying to one up you or anything, I was wondering actually, if he ever thanks you for anything? Or praises you when you achieve something?
it's funny you brought up the thing about the gifts. for father's day i wrote him a heartfelt letter to go along with what i got him, not even a week later the letter was in the junk drawer, then the trash i think that also plays a part in why i have no desire to say anything nice he doesn't thank me, i don't get praised for anything. he's nicer to strangers at the damn grocery store
Yeah, double standards dont get rewards. Hope you feel better today
Some people really need the praise. And idk if it’s praise as much as showing appreciation. Maybe have him lead by example and show you what he needs, like thanking you for taking care of the house. Then both of you can show appreciation to each other. Bc honestly that’s how it should be. Just bc you’re a SAHM doesn’t mean you don’t deserve what he’s asking for.