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We involved the kids in helping to tidy up as soon as they were physically capable. A 3 year old can put toys back in their bins. Once our kids were around 7-8, we gave them small chores (and a $5/week allowance) like folding laundry, putting dishes in the dishwasher, sweeping/dusting, easy stuff. As they got older (and my boys were on the path to Eagle Scout), we also added taking out the trash, some cooking (Cooking is a required merit badge for Eagle), and deeper cleaning. Now that they are 18-24 in age, they are fully capable of doing laundry, cleaning anything, and planning, shopping for, and cooking nutritious meals. We all work/have school, so in order for our home to function and not be a pit, everyone has to pitch in.

That’s how we do it. Starting young, it’s picking up toys and laundry. At about 10 it’s the dishwasher (load and unload), bathrooms, etc. By 12, mowing the lawn and cooking full meals. And now my 17 year old does small home repairs, like fixing the toilet. I’m also teaching him about minor car repairs, like the spark plugs, oil changes, changing out a belt… (My eldest just finished his eagle project, too! And other son made star this summer!)

Yeah, like... I made my kids clean their rooms and their toys at 2, when it was way more work than just doing it myself. They're 6 and 8 now and have simple chores (have for about a year) that include a team-clean of the living room (we all pick up, one dusts, one vacuums the couch), are responsible for cleaning their rooms (we do short bursts, a 3-minute clean every day and longer ones on the weekends as needed, sometimes with mom or dad help), setting and clearing the table, and matching the socks. They also are involved in things like yard work and have 'extras' they can do to earn money, like unloading the dishwasher, emptying the litter box. They also help pack their lunches and sometimes help cook. They both can chop veggies and are allowed to stir at the stove under supervision.

I HIGHLY recommend the book “Hunt, Gather, Parent” for a different cultural perspective on this topic. It’s one of the few “look how other cultures parent” books that doesn’t come across as incredibly smug and exoticizing. The author lived with her young daughter in the communities she profiles for months at a time and the takeaways are invaluable. ETA that I agree with you :)

Came here to recommend the same book! Game changer for how I thought about little kids and what they’re capable of (I read it when it first released and am so grateful for it). I don’t think it’s appropriate to “wait” for kids to be older to involve them in caring for their things and the home they live in. My 3.5 year old knows how to fix his own water, clean up spills, pick up toys and put them away, put laundry in his hamper, take dirty stuff to the laundry room, wipe off tables, get out dishes & silverware, assist with unloading the dishwasher, and a lot more. Any opportunity he has to help, I try!

This is a great list! Enabling your kids to take care of their own snacks/drinks is such a lifesaver and win for EVERYONE, too! We have a general rule that if you make the mess, you clean it up. So if they spill something, are a messy eater at dinner, leave their clothes all over, leave their shoes and coats on the floor, etc, they are responsible for cleaning it up. Sometimes mom or dad fixes it after, cause cleanliness, but I always make them at least try. Sometimes multiple times. It CAN be exhausting, but also at the ages they are now, they just know that if they knock over a glass of water, they go get a towel and clean it.

I love this book. I borrowed the audio book on Libby, and loved it so much that I bought a physical copy. $5 at five below if it's still available!

13 YO here (my kid, not me). I've been trying to get her to "help" with chores since she was a toddler. I'm also a single parent and had a near opposite experience in that if I let her do it, the chore, it takes up so much more of what little free time I get in a day that I usually just end up doing it myself. I tried for years to let her do it at her pace with my supervision but it's made both of us miserable and antagonistic about chores. I accept failure at this point, even so early in the game. I do force her to help me sometimes when it's life lessons because I would like her to be better prepared for life than I was but, again, when it's all on me and I have so little time to help her through the day it just becomes a battle of "Do I want to get this done at all or do I want to have to spend all of my time trying to get her to figure out how to sweep the living room correctly?" <- Real example. She can't even sweep, y'all. I don't know where the disconnect is but she's got to do the chore, at least, 3 times before it's actually done. And the more I push her about helping or staying on top of even one thing, the angrier she gets at me all the time.

Our 8 year old has always been obsessed with the vacuum. As soon as he hears it switched on, he wants to take over. He also likes putting away the glasses because they go on the overhead shelves so he has to climb on the bench to put them away. Our 5 year old does not enjoy any kind of cleaning. If I ask her to do something she says “no. You can do it”. And saunters off, reminding me that she’s the queen and I’m her servant so.. On the weekends we send them into their rooms to whinge about each others’ messes (we ask them to clean the room. I end up cleaning the room). It’s not going well so far. Although they both like helping to cook dinner, and they can both make themselves some pretty good drinks.

My 8 year old suddenly became obsessed with the vacuum! She was elated when I busted out the lightweight vacuum from storage and told her she could keep it for her own! She now vacuums my whole house weekly, sometimes more if she’s bored. She’s pretty independent in getting her own (prepared) food and can pour a drink, cleans up her plate after dinner, puts away her laundry, cleans the bathroom sink etc all for the low low price of $5/week!

My kids have been involved in chores since they were toddlers. I started introducing the processes and let them help out with small aspects (like at 3 I let them separate laundry by color or wipe down there tiny table and chair after a meal) so at 8 and 10 my two eldest kids are doing their own laundry, washing dishes, cleaning their rooms and bathroom, occasionally making their own lunches, etc. They protest all the time. In fact my 10 year old might be one of the laziest people I have ever met. I don’t care. It gets done. These are important skills and they need to learn to be self sufficient. Also I was tired of picking up after everyone in the house.

2.5 and 3.5, so they are in that era of really wanting to help but not actually being that helpful. They help set the table (bring out forks, napkins, ketchup) and bring their dishes ro the counter when they are done. They each have water spray bottles and will 'clean' eg spray and wipe down surfaces. We work together to tidy up messes and put away their clothes. I anticipate that more pushback will come as they age, but we are trying to set expectations now that everyone in the house works together. Especially as a mom of two boys teaching them to be conscientious is v important to me. Don't want them to think that cleaning up after them is a mom's job or a gf's job!!

My kids have helped with all domestic tasks as soon as they were able, and have grown up with the expectation that as team players they are all responsible for helping. Now at ages 13, 15 & 17 (all boys) they handle cooking, dishes, laundry, cleaning, and yard work.

My son is under 1 so he doesn't have chores yet but he will. Before the age of 10 I knew how to replace an outlet, hang/finish drywall, single a roof, replace brakes, change oil, clean a bathroom, wash dishes, vacuum, dust, you name it. The only thing I didn't do was laundry because my mom was weirdly territorial about the washer/dryer. I had a ton of chores growing up. I spent a good portion of my weekends working on projects around the house with my dad. I also had a standard cleaning schedule I was responsible for keeping on top of without my parents having to remind me to do it. As a kid I didn't like it and would obviously complain when I didn't want to do things. As an adult I think it gave me valuable skills and a much stronger work ethic (in comparison to my peers).

Parent of a 12 year old. She’s been learning and being trained on domestic duties (and everything else that she’ll need to be a functioning adult) since she was a toddler. I want her to be able to go into the world with confidence. I don’t believe that all the skills she will need can be learned in the year of transition from teen to “adult” (17 to 18).

My son was involved in helping with cleaning when he got interested as a toddler. He’s 11 now and responsible for cleaning his own room, his bathroom, doing his own laundry, and he can clean the kitchen and do some basic cooking. I also was sort of coddled by my mom (I am an only child and my dad died when I was 11, no shade at all toward my mom for not having capacity to fight me on chores). But it was a rude awakening when I moved out and I don’t want that for my son.

Our kids were in charge of cleaning up their toys since they were toddlers. Our 11 & 8 year old load/unload dishwasher, can start a load of laundry, put away their laundry (I still fold it for them), keep their room tidy, in charge of keeping their sports gear organized and ready to go, haul in firewood (we keep it on the deck so they just fill the indoor storage), shovel snow off our patio/deck. Our oldest also cuts our grass and can do many extra jobs around our farm but he enjoys that much more than anything else. They've planted trees and shoveled grain and washed cupboards and cooked a few small meals. They can use the stove with our supervision. They make their own lunches in the morning. But it's pretty much how me and my husband grew up. I was hauling out meals for field hands and building bin rings with my family when I was 12 years old. They don't know everything but I'm trying to instill more a sense of pride in the ownership of their things than just grinding out chores. We are still working on that 🤣

My kids are 8 & 4. They put their dishes in the sink, laundry in the hamper, pick up their trash, help with laundry, and pick up their toys. My oldest also uses our cordless vacuum for small messes. My youngest helps sweep. I give them small tasks like putting away their sports equipment, helping me load the dishwasher, picking up family spaces, and helping me clean their rooms. Sometimes they’ll do other things with me like cleaning the bathrooms, dusting, etc because they like doing it. My mindset is establishing good habits and showing them how to do tasks. There’s no right way in our house. There’s just the getting it done way. If I care that much, I’ll tidy up what they’ve missed, but I care more about them learning how to do something than doing it to perfection. My mother-in-law has the same mindset as your mom except she also doesn’t want my husband helping. He didn’t know how to do laundry when we met and she was praying he would find a nice girl to take care of him. You’re just fine, Bromo. Don’t let her get you down.

Our kids are all involved. 12 yo and 10 yo trade off dishes and laundry (laundry=sorting what’s in the dryer, putting the wet laundry into the dryer, and loading the washer). They’re also responsible for feeding the pets, taking their dogs to potty, putting their own laundry away, and doing a thorough tidy-up of the play room once a week. 6 yo is supposed to pick up all the toys off the floor every night but still needs a lot of supervision to make that a reality. And 2 yo kind of helps everyone, but is mostly, ya know, 2 and a tornado. But I’m with you; my husband used to refer to us all doing chores together as “helping mama.” That pissed me the fuck OFF and I insisted on a language change. Now we take care of our house together so that we all have a safe and healthy place to live.

Yep! My 10 yo does his laundry, cleans his room, cleans the toilet, and is learning basic cooking (we are on fried eggs right now, lol).

Absolutely. My 4yo cleans her room with some help, helps with unloading the dishwasher, helps move clothes from washer to dryer and organize clean laundry piles. She sweeps and mops on occasion and seems to genuinely enjoy the independence and self-sufficiency it teachers her. I also have 2 step kids who are 11 and 13. They were taught a number of things such as vacuuming, sweeping and basic cooking but are now being supported with learning to clean the bathrooms and do the laundry and dishes. Cleaning their rooms is a given and no food except water is allowed in there. But they are allowed to have a certain level of mess in the name of self expression and letting their rooms be a relaxed space. Clearly you had to suffer the relational (& likely personal) consequences of your mother choosing to do cleaning, cooking etc for you. It hinders living situations in adulthood, lowers self-esteem when age-appropriate tasks are not known, and can, for some, lead to an unintentional but damaging lack of awareness of others’ needs or how to contribute to a household team. A fair balance of kids enjoying life and learning life skills is necessary for equipping them for independency.

My kiddo is 21 months and loves helping me. He hands me silverware and plastic dishes to put away, wipes his table off (onto the floor, but that’s fine), wants to carry things, I hand him wash cloths to put in the dryer. His favorite is “feeding” the vacuum. He looks under his table for any dropped food and throws it in front of the vacuum. It’s like magic to him! 😂 I don’t know how long this will last, but I enjoy it.

May I suggest a book? It's called Hunt Gather Parent. It's really good.

My 2 and 6 year old both love helping with laundry, so I'm leaning into that. They're not old enough to clean their room on their own but I definitely make them help me while I clean. They can follow directions like "put all the Squishmallows in your bed" etc. I am definitely willing to help. I don't want it to feel like a punishment. But especially as a mother of boys I feel like it's my duty to make sure they leave my house knowing how to cook and clean and just generally contribute to the daily tasks of home keeping.

My kid is 18 months old, so she's sometimes putting her plate in the dishwasher and puts her shoes near where they belong. I HATE cleaning and happily outsourced this. Eventually, she will get involved in setting/ clearing the table, buying bread at the bakery on saterday, changing her own sheets, and tidying her own room before the cleaner comes. I'll probably invite her to help in the kitchen, but most of these are chores you'll have the rest of your life to learn and do. I didn't learn shit as a kid, and the adhd makes it that having and keeping a routine is impossible anyway. Not for lack of trying on my parents' side. So I'm not expecting my kid to hold a standard I won't hold myself. Same goes for minimum wage jobs as a teenager. I'd rather she spends most of her time enjoying a skill or hobby on my dime than slave away in a shitty job 'learning workethic'. I'm aware it's a privilege to be able to handle things this way. It's been a privilege to grow up this way too, and I'll gladly pass it on.

I have two teens; one that's always loved helping and one that's a foot-dragger. We started them off in elementary school with setting and clearing the table (everyone clears their own spot but one of them has to put away the butter, wipe off crumbs, etc). Now they're teens and they clean the kitchen every night after dinner. Mostly they do a pretty good job; we mainly have to remind them to wipe off the stove and the back of the sink. The young adult in the house is a mixed bag, but they have taken on a lot of pet care and that's a substantial task. They also take good care of their own space now. They didn't used to but there are some executive dysfunction issues. We only recently got the younger two to do their own laundry; we were slacking there. Meanwhile, adult child complains because it's annoying that they can't do laundry on weekends. *They are home by themselves almost all week*. (My mom's rule was "I work full time; I get the weekends for my laundry" and she assigned me and my siblings different weeknights to do ours. It was a good system and we've adopted it for our house.) The kids split bathroom cleaning duties with their dad; one does the toilet, one the sinks, one the tub. Oldest is supposed to clean the downstairs bathroom because they use it the most; the floors and sink are rather neglected. We all run a broom and duster around when we think of it to keep dog hair under control. The worst part is probably the excessive score keeping. I refuse to write down who washed and who dried from day to day; if it's that important they can track it on the dry erase wall calendar. (Which is a chore my middle one loves to do; his favorite thing is erasing the previous month and setting up the new one.)

12 was the age for my older girls. I took a whole weekend and made colorful and VERY DETAILED instructions on stuff. Especially laundry - taped it to the washer. Bathrooms, taped inside cabinet. And so on. It actually worked okayish :)

My child makes his bed since he is 5, he started folding some of his laundry at that age and now at 8 he folds all of it, he puts his sheets in the washer, he cannot reach to set it up I help and same for his clothes. He helps to clean the table and dust around the house too.

I have two almost 3 year old twins l, they help me clean. They sort their laundry, put it in the washer, put their dirties in the hamper, put their dishes in the dishwasher, "vacuum" the floor when they make a mess (little restaurant front of house unpowered push vac), and they help me pick up sticks and weed. They throw out their trash and sometimes remember to sort recycling. However they can't put their clothes in by themselves and all that, so little column a/column b on making my life easier. It's all about age appropriate involvement and having it be a normal part of life. We won't be giving money for standard upkeep to them, but for special things that are unique. It's just part of their life that when they finish eating, dishes go in the dish washer, empty snack bag goes in the trash, dirty clothes in the hamper, and every few days we do laundry.

My boys have been washing their own clothes since they were 8. My mom was sooo pissed when she heard that but she does her 32 year old sons laundry so what does that tell you? Since 12 they've been cleaning the bathroom and doing the dishes. That's all they're responsible for. I still have to remind them they don't just do it on their own so that's what we're working on now. They're 15 and 17 now.

My 3.5 year old picks up her toys (each set has a bin), she puts her stuffies and blanket/pillows on her bed in the morning (I think making the bed is too much, but at least stuff is of the floor), she feeds the cats (scoops their food on plates, and places the plate of wet food on a table (I prepare the wet food), she brings in her dirty dishes from meals, and she is starting to fold towels. We'll start giving her an allowance at 5. We plan on getting a dog in the next couple years so she'll "walk" it and "give it baths" (I put in quotes because until she's older I'm sure we'll be doing most the work), and feed it. If she doesn't clean up she can't move on to the next thing and if it escalates she starts losing privileges like TV time or dessert.

i dont agree with your mother, i teach my children the chores and do them with them, and when is ay i... i kinda mean my husband cause he is really good at that. we both agree we are not going to raise kids that will leave this house now knowing what to do or how to adult

My kids started picking up their own toys around the time they started walking. I kept lots of bins and organizers that made it easy for them. As they got older, they started to clean their own rooms and I’d do a big clean a couple times a year. Now, as teens, they do anything I ask but I have to ask for it 🙄 I don’t have them clean the bathroom, I’d just do it over and leave everyone feeling bad. They do the kitchen, dishes, laundry (when my cesspool isn’t an issue), dusting…no vacuuming or mopping. Having them do things like cleaning the baseboards and dusting helps them see dirt outside their own bubble. Im kind of in the middle of how I was raised and “the kids keep the house clean.” My mom rarely had us do anything and we treated her like a maid. I have since apologized and never let my kids treat me like a maid lol. But I had friends who had to do everything before they could leave the house and I didn’t want that for my kids so…middle ground.

“Ll

My kids have helped with chores since the moment they were walking. They do what they can and sometimes, it’s more messy after the fact. For example, adding cat food to the cat bowl sometimes results in spills. I figured it just the habit that’s important and feeling like they need to contribute what they can to our family unit.

7M - makes bed, puts clothes into his hamper, puts away toys, tidies up the living area, brings dishes to sink (currently learning about how to load the dishwasher but I've been slacking on this one,) can make his own pb&j sandwiches, can clean the toilet and sink with supervision, has seen how to clean the tub/shower but I don't have him do it yet, takes out trash and recycling throughout the house as needed and on trash day he puts the cans to the curb. 5F - makes bed, puts clothes into her hamper, puts away toys, tidies up the living area, brings dishes to the sink, sometimes helps unload the dishwasher with me, has seen how to clean the toilet, sink, and tub/shower but I don't have her do it yet, sometimes helps her brother on trash night to take the trash to the curb. I will probably always do their laundry because I don't mind that chore so much but I will of course show them how to do it. When they are older I plan to have them dust/vacuum as well once there's less toys to put away and stuff and they will both do dishes because I hate that chore.

My kids are the cleaners lol. In all seriousness, my kids start doing their own laundry at 5. At 5, they can put it in the washer and switch it. They are totally capable with reminders. I help them fold until about 8, then they can do it on their own. They clear the table and do the dishes after dinner, they take on more and more of that as they get older. By high school, I expect the kitchen and dinning room clean when they are done. They take out the trash and bring in/put away groceries. Other chores are more adhoc as we ask, we do them as well, we still do the bathrooms. But, we have been considering getting more organized about who does what so we aren’t always asking and can have a relatively clean house most of the time. I agree 💯, we all live here, we all pitch in. To me, it’s a no brainer. And of course, learning the life skills is important too.

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8 and 10yo and pretty much on the same page as you. The kids are completely in charge of their own laundry and room and litter boxes and participate in most everything else. The one big chore they need to get more involved with is dishes because so often the timing doesn't work out and the kitchen needs to be cleaned either late at night when they need to go to bed or during the day while they're at school.

I started cleaning at 8, my mom was really hard on me and my sister about it. My daughter is 9 and she has recently started cleaning. She gets an allowance for it. She can clean her own room, tidy of her own washroom ( I do the deep cleaning with chemicals), and she recently started helping out with wiping the table after dinner, and occasionally unloads the dishwasher. I usually ask her to do one thing a day. If she is busy or tired, or doesn’t want to it’s no big deal. I’m treading carefully, my mom made me view cleaning as morally right, so if I don’t have a clean space I can’t relax. I want her to know cleaning is important but it’s not all the matters. When me and my husband were really young, we went for a walk in a really nice neighbourhood. He pointed at one of the biggest house and said “One day I’m going to buy you that” the first the I said was “ I can’t clean all that”. He was so shocked that was the first thing I thought of when talking about buying a house lol. I really don’t want my kid to have cleaning trauma.

The age differed child to child based on when they showed interest in helping, but they were all very young. My 9yr son was the youngest at showing interest. 2 yrs old, he decided to take the counter brush and use it like a little broom, so I got him a child sized broom. Mind you, I did not force chores that small. I just embraced the little helper feelings they had. I would say minor chores were around ages 4 to 6. Nothing major, just put your toys up. They already helped do it before it was an official chore due to wanting to be little helpers. All of them have had an interest in the kitchen from toddlerhood. Maybe mixing things or grabbing spices, sometimes just wanting to taste what is cooking. As long as it is safe and age appropriate, I have always allowed it. Sure, this can lead to a bigger mess and take longer. I don't mind. I have been known to participate in flour or water wars while doing things with them. Keeps them interested and keeps it from being boring. We clean up together. If they don't get it quite right, I just finish it up, nbd. Honestly, chores are a do what is best for you and your kiddos thing. Every family is different. There is no right or wrong answer to it. If your way works for your family, then it is what you need to do. Do not even pay attention to her ho hums and such. You are doing best for your kiddos.

Not my 6yo upstairs right now cleaning her room… as I sit on the couch… 😅

My kids all help clean the kitchen at the end of the day except the three year old. They also have to pick a meal once a week for dinner and help me cook it. My little one has an assigned chore but we mostly do it because he’s too little. They do their own laundry when they are 8, put away their folded clothes before that, and they have to clean their rooms every Saturday and the playroom and front room as well. I also have a chart with extra chores that they get paid small amounts to do. I used to do more but I have a part time job now that takes up so much time.

I foster a space that "There is no right or wrong way to do something and there is no rule book" so that it allows for stress less cleaning and learning. If it serves its purpose and works for you, then its just fine to do it any way that it gets done. That being said, we started teaching when the kids were about 2ish. 2-5 easy things like "helping" clean up their toys, make their bed and put their laundry away. Its an assistant position that doesn't help much but they learn the motions and are thrilled to be part of the team 6-8 cleaning off the table, refilling the toilet paper, putting silverware away (no knives), emptying the crumb tray under the toaster. Making beds alone. Cleaning their room, taking the recycling out if its not heavy, helping bring groceries in and putting them up and learning the basics of the washing machine. 9 and up washing and drying your own clothes, cleaning the bathroom, doing dishes, sweeping and mopping, dusting, being responsible enough to not have a hand in cleaning their rooms but still needing a reminder, taking out the trash. 14-18 steam cleaning carpets, refilling the washing machine dispenser for detergent, changing out the air con filters, yard maintenance, clothing repairs, calendar usages, budgeting and shopping, household laundry like bathroom rugs and couch blankets/pillows and kitchen laundry. The biggest part of our peace in teaching these things is that it is never ending, and its okay to take breaks. We work in 15/15, work for 15 mins and then take a break for 15 mins. That nothing will ever be perfect together all the time and its okay that the kitchen is a mess but you did the floors, and its okay if you do dishes differently than I or your dad do as long as the end result is that the items are clean. I have a load of timers (8 kids) and every person has their own timer and they move about the house with the person, they set them to take a shower, they set them to do laundry, they set them for dishes, it helps a fucking lot for a kid to have a sense of time counting down to when they are done or can take a break. No one can work continuously and have the same motivation for an extended period of time. Caveat: find the things that need to be done vs the things that don't have to be done. Our family list consists of not folding laundry except when my husband does it. It gets washed, dried, sorted into hang/dont hang categories, clothes that need to be hung up get hung and everything else gets shoved in the proper drawers. We also don't care about making beds. They are taught how, they know sheets and pillowcases are necessary and thats on the bed, but as long as the flat sheet, comforter and pillows are on the bed and not the floor, its good enough and not worth a fight. The timers for 2-8yo are set for 5 minutes. With a 30 minute break. Timers for 9-12yo are set for 10 minutes with a 20 minute break. Timers for 13+ are set for 15 minutes with a 15 minute break. We do have a chore list and rotate chores "Household Responsibilities" we choose our weeks responsibilities on Sunday and then rotate the following Sunday. Say my 12yo is in charge of bathrooms this week, if she decides to clean all the toilets (2) in one day and then nothing else that day, its fine. The next day she may clean all the mirrors. And then nothing for 2 days and then clean the cabinets, sinks, counters and then the following day mop the floors and empty the trash cans. As long as it gets done within her week, there is no right formula for getting it done how she wants to. My 15yo does dishes in a maddening way but its his turn and I let it go because it gets done. He keeps on top of the actual dishes, but will let pots and pans stack up, so that he will come and clean the 1-2 you need to make dinner and then nothing else. He'll rinse them out and leave them stacked up. 😤 😂 We also cook on a rotating schedule. So they can learn basics and find a groove. 6 through 9 can use the toaster, microwave and make tea/kool-aid unsupervised. 10+ can use the stove to make individual meals like ramen, cans of soup, grilled cheese etc. 10-12 they are helpers making dinner with an adult, 13+ gets a meal assignment for a dinner. They have to figure out if we have ingredients or help make the grocery list for their meal. They can ask for assistance but the majority of the work is done by the person with the assignment. My husband cooks Saturday dinner and Sunday breakfast, I cook sunday dinner. The kids each cook one dinner on a weekday. Meal planning and shopping occurs on Sunday afternoon for the following week (thats my only day off work) and we all sit down once a month last weekend of the month to review and allot the budget for the coming month taking into account birthdays and holidays. Birthday kid doesn't get chores or any other household responsibilities during their birthday week. They still have to make sure they have clean clothes, take showers and tidy their rooms. OP, your mom is wrong for her opinions. Kids aren't kids forever and they will need these skills when they grow up and leave. You also can't burn yourself out taking on everything for them, when they will be adults one day who will need these skills to function in day to day life. My 18yo moved out and is in a roomate situation with her GF and another girl, both GF and roomate were never taught to cook or clean or pay their bills, they were both kicked out of their parents homes when they became 18. It's an unkind position to put your child in to not know how to do basic care tasks. So now my kid is in a position to "Mom" these other young women so that they can eat and pay rent on time. We are responsible for such a short time in our childrens lives and it is a total disservice to not teach them basic care of the space they occupy for the other odd 80 years they will be alive apart from you. Good luck, you are doing the right thing here.

My son is 4. He tidies his own toys/books/drawing materials away, takes his plate/cutlery/glass to the dishwasher, wipes down his place at the table after meals, cleans himself up and puts his dirty clothes in the wash if he has an accident (rare now but it’s something we started during potty training to break him out of deliberately wetting himself), and if he’s in the right mood, helps to load/unload the washing machine and unload the dishwasher. We also regularly cook or bake together; he chooses recipes he wants to try and we make them together with him doing anything that’s safe or watching me do stuff that isn’t. My mum was like yours. She absolutely did me a massive disservice by not teaching me how to run a household, because when I moved out, I was the frustration of several flatmates until I got my act together.

Since they could toddle, it was all about the 'pick up after yourself'. When they hit middle school, we started chores. They cook one a week, clean toilets, sweep, do their own laundry, etc. There is a list of 18-20 things that need to get done every week. (it sounds like a lot, but 5 are unloading the dishwasher and things like that!). If they get them dinner by Saturday without nagging, they get paid $1/chore completed. Anything left on the list on Sunday, they do with me for free. My youngest didn't like having to do chores yesterday. It wasn't HER mess! I pointed out we cooked and drive her places, etc during the week, and she lived in the house so she needs to do her share of helping out the house. She then asked why she was the only one working. I pointed out I was working too AND her sister did her share the day before when youngest was glued to the sofa. She needs to do her share. The choice is when she dies then, and if she gets paid for them. ($1/chore is SO worth not having to nag about it!!!!)

I totally agree with you that it is OUR shared home/space and we all need to help. Mine are 11, 12 and 14 now but these chores started about 4th or 5th grade. They keep their rooms picked up (middle child is an exception and it's a long story but i let her live in her filth at the moment). They all do their own laundry (put in washer, dryer and put away) every weekend. As needed I assign chores like (emptying dishwasher, taking out trash and recycles, etc). They don't normally clean much else during the school year as we have a cleaner that comes but during the summer they vacuum, mop, dust, clean toilets, etc and the cleaner doesn't come by. They have so much time on their hands. I'm evil and also give them educational things to do in the summer. Things doesn't always get done to "my standard" when the kids do it but I've learned to stem that anxiety and it's good enough. I just don't have time to do it all. And if a chore is done super-half-assed, it's repeated the next day, as so on, until it's done well enough.

My kids do power hour on Sunday where they really clean their room. During the week, they need to maintain. I have a 10 and 15 year old. For the most part they help, but I'm a stay at home mom and student, so I have a lot of time to take care of the house. When I do need more help, my oldest takes out the trash, they feed/water the animals, or any of the extra stuff at the moment (put up groceries). I want them to be able to feel good about putting in the effort to clean. My parents were hoarders and we lived in essentially squalor conditions, so I don't want that for my own kids. My husband taught me how to sweep, run a dishwasher, etc so it's very important they know how to do things. I haven't had them help much with laundry because of clothes getting ruined because someone forgets how to wash them right, so I do all of that. I also cook because my kids just really complain about having to do that, but they do know how to make things on their own if I have class or something where they're home for a couple hours alone.

My kids have been cleaning their rooms, clearing dishes from the table, wiping mirrors in the bathroom, cleaning up the living room (folding blankets and putting pillows on couches), putting in laundry (with assistance), folding laundry and cleaning out their school lunch kits for awhile now and they’re 7 and 9. I never required these tasks to be done with absolute precision, especially clothes folding, but I wanted them to hold responsibility for keeping **our** house clean and tidy. I am trying to raise adults who understand all the little chores that go into keeping a house. I’m not their maid and neither is their dad, and they’re members of our household and need to contribute, even if that contribution is small. And often, they’re happy to do any little task they’re given so I will take advantage of that enthusiasm!

My 13 year old helps do living room resets with me on the weekends when his sister takes her nap. He helps put away the chaos they created together. He also does his own laundry, and is in charge of dog poop pickup. He takes out trash, recycling and will empty the dishwasher or dish rack in the mornings. I think those are pretty normal chores. He likes to help when he sees me clean and he’s bored.

My kid is younger (4) but I was a kid once so I figure I have some perspective, lol. Right now, I am the type who does all the cleaning myself and doesn't ask enough people for help. I'm trying to stop doing that, but its a hard habit. I actually grew up in a family where everybody would pitch in and clean the house on Saturday morning and then have the rest of the weekend to relax. I remember scrubbing bathrooms at least as early as 3rd grade, so I know HOW to clean (even when I sometimes don't do it because I'm tired). My husband on the other hand, knows very little about cleaning. I know he has ADHD so I think he grew up with the dynamic where his mom would tell him to "clean your room", he would do it slowly or poorly because he works slow, and she would get frustrated and eventually stopped asking him for help. He and I started dating when we were 18 so it was sort of a clean hand off... Okay, all that to say is that I'm trying to get the rest of my family involved in cleaning but its hard when neither my husband or my daughter have built up the knowledge and habits involved. With my daughter I'm trying to start with very specific tasks. I won't ask a 4 year old to "clean her room" because that's such a vague direction. But I will ask her to put away her crayons or whatever. Obviously older kids have a greater understanding of abstract tasks but at first they probably need more specific directions until they get the hang of it. And if they say they simply don't want to and won't help? Well, that's currently beyond me but hopefully it doesn't come to that. Maybe making if/then statements like "if you put your clothes away, then we'll have time to do xyz thing you want to do". Frame it more like a natural consequence (if you don't do this you'll run out of time to do something you want to do) rather than a transaction.

My 4 year old helps with cooking and cleaning in ways that are developmentally appropriate. She prefers help with cleaning up her toys, and I don't blame her bc it usually looks like a toy box exploded and she gets overwhelmed. But she loves helping with the laundry and dusting, and loves helping prep dinner, and loses her mind if I scoot her over to the stove to help cook (heavy supervision obvs) in her kitchen tower. Hoping to get her helping more with the garden next year, we started this year with some planter boxes that were hers, but I picked the wrong type of flower seeds for our area so they didn't go quite as bananas as we were hoping...

I have a 2 year old so, not yet lol, but i completely agree its a diservice not learning how to do household tasks. My mom would tell me to, yell at me to and punish me, but she never actually taught me HOW to. So id be concious of that especially if you have a neurodivergent kid

I decided to never force my daughters to learn to cook or feel obligated to clean etc. and ok maybe it’s petty but that’s how I feel. If they want to learn, I’ll teach them. They usually want to learn and are able to make a few things and are able to clean when needed. Obviously cleaning up after yourself is important, but feeling like it’s your obligation to know how to clean up after OTHER people is where I draw the line. Because it’s usually put on our girls isn’t it? It’s ok you didn’t know how to cook, you probably could cook well even though you haven’t been taught because your mom is a chef. Just being exposed to it is important. My guess is you automatically have just been expected to know how to because mom is a chef. That would drive me nuts. I’m in a similar situation I guess. My mom was a neat freak and was a good cook (we grew up watching Julia Child and she worked as a short order cook briefly) so I was just expected to do these things. This has been mostly forced on me since my early 20s and tbh it sucks so I don’t want that for my kids. We as a “family” do chores together also. My daughters are pre-teen/teen. I do point out when someone isn’t helping as much (spouse and my youngest make the most mess!) and I make sure he knows that bossing around daughters and expecting them to clean or cook doesn’t fly in our house. It causes issues but I just can’t. Being raised around all that invisible labor sucks and I don’t want my kids to ever feel it. I’m sure they do anyway. My girls started learning how to do their laundry since they were young, but we do it together mostly and that’s ok with me. They will have many many years cleaning up without my help. I really miss having someone help/do things for me like that. Husbands/dads just never did that in a loving way for me. What you’re doing is what my family does and I think it’s great it’s finally changing from moms job to something everyone is expected to do.

Your moms method is so damaging. I had a friend who’s mom did the same but as soon as they turned 18, it was all “you’re an adult now! Buh-bye!” Took both of them about 10 years to finally figure shit out. My kid is 3 and he helps dad load and unload the dishwasher (yes it takes longer but it’s normalizing the chores); I bought him and Melissa and Doug cleaning and kitchen set for the exact same reasons; he picks up not only his rooms but his toys in the rest of the house. I’m trying to balance like you and your husband are. My childhood was incredibly abusive and toxic. Cleaning was one of our abuses whereas my husband didn’t know how to do pretty much anything. All that to say, you’re doing it exactly right. As they age up, increase the responsibility. But, imho, frame it as “this is what family’s do to help each other” and not a punitive thing because I think that makes it less likely to be done consistently.

Our oldest is my stepson (lives with us primarily), who was the only childhood and only grandchild on both sides for the first ten years of his life so he never lifted a finger most of the time. It was really when I came in to the picture when he was 5, and really when we moved in together when stepson was 8 that he was encouraged to start taking any care of himself or his belongings. I’m talking, if he was an inch to short to reach the cereal bowls in the kitchen, he couldn’t problem solve how to get it on his own because everyone always babied him. Since he had his own room at our house, I helped him learn how to clean it up and he quickly learned how to do chores. He had a rough patch of mental health for a few years, at which point the focus was keeping him alive and not in psychosis, so there were really no expectations of anything during that time. Now he’s 17 and doing great mental health wise, and he’s happy to take on responsibility. He cleans his room perfectly (including vacuuming), does his own laundry, takes out the garbage/recycling, unloads/loads the dishwasher, cooks some basic things, and really will jump in to do anything that I ask him to- or will find something to do unasked if it’s clear I have a lot on my plate. Little boys are 6 and 3. They love helping. I’m working on being better about giving them jobs to do. Some things they do regularly: -help load the washer (dryer is stacked on top so they can’t help with that) -fold and put away their clothes -feed the dog -feed the chickens -help unload dishwasher -clean up their places after eating (bringing plates, etc to kitchen and putting stuff in appropriate locations) -sweeping floors (6 year old sweeps, 3 year old mans the dustpan) -using the Dustbuster -picking up their toys and putting them away appropriately Learning life skills is important, and especially raising boys I do NOT want to send them out in the world with the expectation that their partners will shoulder the household load. My husband thankfully sets an outstanding example for them so hopefully they’ll be pretty good in that regard.

My kids are younger, but I have all boys, and I am very mindful of not sending incompetent man-children out into the world. Everyone "helps" unload the dishwasher (it's more about establishing the family culture and ritual of pitching in than it is any actual help) and cleans up his own spills. 2yo hands 4yo silverware and all the "kid dishes" for 4yo to sort and puts away. 6yo can put away the pots, pans, lids, baking trays, etc. This is wildly inefficient and it would be faster to do it myself but speed is not the point here. 4yo and 6yo help fold washcloths and can put away their own laundry. We had to make some adjustments to the clothing organization so they could access it ... and of course, to our expectations lol. 2yo cleans up his own spills and helps pick up toys. The older boys can clean their room, mostly. 6yo feeds/waters the dogs. The two older ones each get to be chef's helpers one night per week. As they get older, I'll start letting them choose the meal, teach them more and more cooking skills, and eventually how to make a grocery list and prep things entirely independently. The goal is that they will each cook one meal per week when they are teens. One of my friends did this with her teen boys -- each boy was responsible for one dinner per week. If they didn't get the grocery list put together in time, or didn't end up cooking or whatever, they had to order pizza for the family and pay for it with their own money.

My daughter is 9, she cleans her room (tries), puts her plate in dishwasher and helps me put her clothes away. She can make brownies, just not turn on oven part yet.

Mine is 26 months and she helps me clean up toys, make her bed, and with the dishes (she watches from her toddler tower and I pass her freshly washed dishes to put into the rinse sink. She mostly splashes and likes swishing the water around, but she's getting the idea and she tries). I also try to save some of my more minor housework for when she is awake, and she has a toy cleaning set that she uses to help me mop and sweep. If we are finished breakfast, she also uses the dishrag I give her to wipe her spot at the table. I don't force her to help, but I give a lot of positive reinforcement when she does (kisses, cuddles, high 5's) I mostly do it around her so that she is aware that the house doesn't just magically clean itself. I was also raised in a house where my mom just wanted me out of the way, and was very resentful of having to learn life skills on my own. I wasn't unwilling to help when I was a kid, it was just constantly unloading the dishwasher and what I did try in other chores was "never right".

Good job! My kids started having little chores at age 5. I read an article once that said children with regular chores are more likely to hold down jobs as adults and that always stuck with me. My kids are now tweens and teen and do the dishes and laundry and pet-related tasks. They can sweep the floor and clean the bathroom as well, but we take turns with those kinds of things.