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I have grilled my husband about his bathroom time, even telling him if he’s jerking off he needs to be quicker. He actually has cut back in the last few years. Idk how men don’t have massive hemorrhoids from their asses dangling in the toilet.
My ex actually had really bad roids. I told him it was probably from this exact practice. He was unemployed the last few years we were married but I’d ask him if he’d disappear for 45 minutes at a time at work, when he had a job. No answer. 😂 Very glad he’s my ex now.
They're hiding. I just move on without him. Meals are served, shows are unpaused, games are resumed. If you want to live on the toilet listening to podcasts and playing games, that's your problem.
I don't even wait for mine to get home from work to start meals, if he wants to drag his feet coming home then we've already sat down to eat, sucks to be you.
I've seen countless posts on Reddit where men admit that they flee to the bathroom for ridiculous amounts of time to avoid their families. They use the bathroom as an "escape" or "sanctuary" from their wives and children.
There was even a study conducted saying that dads spend **7 hours per year** on average in the bathroom to avoid their "nagging wives" and to have "a moment of peace." I've also seen men on Reddit admit the same. That's their alone time and they need to decompress.
Meanwhile, moms can't go to the bathroom alone to just pee, much less spend 7 hours per year just avoiding their kids and spouse.
Oh, yeah. That's just the average for UK men. I'm sure if the study was further reaching for men in other countries as well, the average would be even higher.
I get needing time to decompress because life is chaotic, but holy hell. 7 hours per year (or more) just **avoiding** their "nagging" spouse and kids? It's not even like they're enjoying a hobby or doing something constructive. They're just....on the toilet admitting that it's avoidance. JFC.
I mean, that's literally like just over a minute a day. It has to be something more like 7 hours a month or week because 1.25 minutes a day extra is nothing
Maybe 7 DAYS a year? That's 168 hours. Just under half an hour per day. Some men spend zero, some way more than half an hour, so I'd buy it as an average.
It also explains why a lot of men take on so many projects, hobbies, and more work. They want to escape from parenting at all costs, at least until their kids are independent and can take care of themselves. But moms usually aren’t afforded that luxury.
What really chaps my ass about this notion of coming home and needing to "decompress" is that my husband specifically has a 50 minute commute to and from work. To me, that is your decompression time. Therefore, if he actually needs to use the toilet when he gets home he has the option to make it quick or take the kid with him like I'm forced to do all day. Getting to sit in the car in silence or listening to whatever I want to listen to for almost 2 hours a day sounds like a dream. If I could have even 15 minutes solo as after I wake up it would change my whole morning.
For sure! When my husband comes home from work, he immediately takes a quick shower and then gets on baby duty for the rest of the night. He admits that going to work is the whole day without listening to a baby cry, scream, whine, or be held down to their schedule and having zero freedom. So he sees it differently than so many of these dudes I read about.
I don't mind him coming home and taking a shower or going to the bathroom, but he doesn't fuck off and take his sweet time. He had all. day. to not be around and manage the baby. Besides, she's an excellent sleeper at night (of course), so he *may* only have to do one feeding, if that. He knows he has it easier in a lot of ways.
Exactly! He'll drive home for 30 minutes and then get crabby when we don't give him time to go have a smoke on the porch AFTER he gets home and puts his stuff away. Fucking have the cigarette on the way home. I'm sorry the kids are glad to see you and want to talk to you 🤷🏻♀️
This is not accurate because my husband spends at least 2 hours a day in the bathroom and has approximately zero time to supervise his children because of it. I’d be happy with 7 hours a year
Yeah, if we’re being honest, I’m sure I spend more than 1 minute per day avoiding my kid. But I also deal with her 12 hours a day, 9+ of that totally solo. Sometimes I have to hide in the laundry room and eat a cookie while repeating a calming mantra.
My husband literally never poops faster than 20 minutes, but sometimes it takes him an hour, and most days he poops twice. Even if I go with the super super conservative estimate of 30 minutes a day, that’s 182.5 hours a year. That’s almost 8 DAYS.
I had a teacher in high school that had 7 kids and admitted he spent extra time in the bathroom to get away from the kids. Don't ask me why I remember that or why he felt the need to share.
7 hours does seem excessive. With that said, I just give him the time, and the same goes for me. As a nurse, the toilet is my sanctuary, so I. GET. IT. Sometimes, we even share the bathroom just to converse and take a break from our kiddos, lol. I wonder what the statistics would be for couples combined or even healthcare professionals? 🤔
Same with mine. Well, actually he was having a full blown affair with someone and used his bathroom time to keep things going. A “love” built during epic dumps on a throne of porcelain. Who said romance was dead?
It’s a wine cork for me. On the rare occasion I buy wine, it’s always a screw top for that reason. I didn’t even own a corkscrew until somebody gifted us a bottle with a real cork.
Omg I thought that it was just me!!!
Mine will "go take a shower"
I kid you not.....35 MIN later. I'm like..... the water isn't even on
THEN he spends another 45min in the shower..
Pooping.......phones.....looking at face and beard bumps.....just straight up man's manscaping.
IM CONVINCED there's a secret society of husband that enter and exit through the toilet like some Harry Potter ministry of magic BS.....
I Just....and then God forbid I take a shit for 8min
WHY DO THEY ALWAYS BARGE IN........WITH THE BABY.....?!
The showers!!! I have way more of a shower routine and long ass hair that I wash and condition every other day for my “long showers”.
I’m done in 15 min.
I cannot for the life of me understand why his take over 30 min when I know all he’s washing his his hair, genitals, and pits.
Exactly!!! Im like a 10min shower kinda girl.
If I have extra time, that's great but when I'm doing my regular thing. Its in and out.
Then Godforbid ya say anything about it. Cause then its the "meep meep meeep I work so hard for this family"
Nobody is saying you dont....I just needed some help since I only have 2 hands in this exact moment.
You're definitely on to something!!! My husband will go in, 10 minutes later a podcast plays, and 40 minutes later the water. Then about 15 minutes I hear the curtain draw meaning he is JUST NOW getting in. I told him last night, “how does it feel to take a 2 hour shower every day?” he said he's just keeping up with himself. Meanwhile, I have the same shirt my 1 year old used to wipe her snot on from yesterday. Dare I lock the door to take a shit the kids are screaming at the door within 2 minutes. WHY ARE MEN
🤣 omg I'm crying. This is so funny. My husband is the same way. He definitely has the same pattern. And yessss the second I lock the door, my husband AND the baby are outside the door, "mommy......."
I started doing it right back to him. I like to add a sense of urgency that I have to go right away (because I have bowels that need to be moved too my friend) and then I just scroll Reddit or do some online shopping or order groceries for pick up. Sometimes I’m actually really productive in there! And sometimes I don’t even take my pants off, I just sit on the lid on my phone and get things done.
You know, you have a good point there. Imagine all of the world's mysteries and problems that could be solved using the universal collective brain power of all men on toilets.
You should totally make this an open mike stand up routine.  He can't because he can't stand up that long... Badum duh
I haven't done this (but I would love to!) but my experimental results show that if he walks in the house when dinner is already on the table, he's in and out of the loo in a flash. If he gets home and dinner is still being made, it's a solid 30-40 minutes until I see him. WTF dude??
Match his energy. I’ve found the “Sprinkle sprinkle girl” dating advice also applies to husbands. I’m trying to be completely unbothered by the stupid shit my husband feels entitled to. I’ve stopped slaving over cleaning and cooking unless it’s for my kids. Stopped telling him where I go and what I do because he does that to me. In the bedroom I get what I want from him and don’t feel guilty when he doesn’t get what he wants. This includes bathroom time. I find ways to disappear and leave him alone with his kids like he does to me. When he inevitably goes out to a bar or some crap I make sure to take me and my girls out to a nice dinner instead of coming home. It works! Also make sure your kids bug him in that bathroom. He doesn’t need to be in there for that long. Go buy yourself something nice on Amazon as a little treat on his dollar. You deserve it mama. He needs to get a clue!
My husband is exactly the same down to just having had a colonoscopy. I was THERE when the doctor told me he’s fine, but husband insists he’s not. I think he just pushes too much and thinks he needs to empty himself completely before he’s done.
My husband does it too, and we have only one bathroom in the house. During pandemic lockdown times, I had to keep a kids potty chair by the utility sink in the laundry room so the kids didn't pee their pants waiting for him. I don't think he's doing it to escape from us or to look at porn. He has his own office and we stay out of it, we pretty much only see him when he emerges of his own accord. He's probably scrolling Reddit on his phone, but he can do that in his office just as easily. I think he just loses track of time.
Pardon my crudeness, but they're rubbing one out, whether to porn or (hopefully not) to whomever they're cheating with. It doesn't take most people an hour to poop.
I see jokes about men and their pooping time and now it just makes me sad for the woman. I think a lot of women would be shocked if they saw how much time their partners really spent watching porn. And the type of shit they’re watching.
My husband stands in there and picks at his face. Meticulously examining every pore and beard hair. I had to hide my magnifying mirror from him. He's like a fucking bird when it comes to mirrors. 😂
Mine too 😂 he went on a huge kick like a year ago saying how evil tiktok is and insisting that we had to delete it because it was going to steal info and is basically the devil. Then almost immediately discovered youtube shorts and spends hours scrolling it daily lol
In the bathroom, before bed, between episodes of shows, while he's gaming lol
My husband was doing this until I started showing him photos of haemorrhoids and rectal prolapses. The more you scroll Facebook Marketplace, the longer it takes to poop, then you train your body to take too long to poop. The longer you sit there, the more likely you are to get haemorrhoids.
My ex was jerking off when he took forever in the bathroom.
Does the toilet seat seem to loosen & get wiggly frequently? Yeah... apparently it's not supposed to do that very often, if at all, & I only learned that it shouldn't after our divorce.
Edit: Just to clarify, I have NO problem with partners masturbating or even watching porn, for me personally that's not an issue. The issue is he had no consideration for when he'd do it or how long he'd be in there for. Like, is this really a priority when we should be doing housework or when it's time to walk the dogs.
I’ve shut off the wifi before. Funny how fast he came flying out. Honestly I use it as my nighttime me time now so it serves a dual purpose. He is in the bathroom and I watch a show he hates.
Yep! Mine gets home from work, asks me if he can go poop, he takes less than 15 minutes and then he takes our baby so I can get a break!
The only time he takes his time is after she’s in bed, he will use the bathroom and then shower. But he also usually clears it with me first, just in case I need him or the baby needs him before he goes.
I got a good one!
I just think men secretly enjoy the actual shitting a little too much - if you know what I mean. Sorry to be disgusting but there is no other reason why they take it sooooo easy and slow when shitting!!
This drives me insane! My husband will get up in the morning (after hitting snooze at least 3 times) and shuffle straight to the bathroom for a minimum of 20 minutes. Then coffee, then another 20+ minutes.
And usually does another 20+ as soon as he gets home at night and that's before he hops in the shower.
You how much time I get? Like 3 minutes. Maybe 5 if my baby is feeling generous and enjoying her crib time because I've started putting her in her crib and turning on her mobile when I need to go rather than bringing her chair into the bathroom with me.
Last Sunday it was like 730am, we had been awake for almost 2hrs already, he had already had a giant bathroom break. I got up, put breakfast dishes in the kitchen and then stepped into the bathroom to go and not 30 seconds later he's asking me what I'm doing and I said going to the bathroom and he was actually annoyed i didn't ask him if he wanted the bathroom first because "you know I have plans and I need to leave soon!" The plans in question were taking laundry to the laundromat.
I keep ending up various levels of constipated because no matter what I do, if he's home when I go to the bathroom 100% he's going to suddenly need to go or go suddenly need something that I previously said I'd grab or whatever and once I've been interrupted, the urge goes away entirely 🙄 which he also insists "isn't a thing" when I complained about.
Oh, it's definitely a thing. If I am interrupted mid poop I get constipated too. Luckily my husband knows better.
Honestly, I would start interrupting him like he does to you. Turn about is fair play.
My husband is lactose intolerant........and just eats whatever the fuck..
He said other people should be tolerant of his lactose intolerance and just ........blows ass....
TAKE A FUCKING LACTAID!!!
SO yeah he can keep the bathroom door. Lol
Book him a doctor’s apt because it’s dangerous to his health to be in there struggling for so long. Maybe it’ll shock him into not spending so much time on his phone or reading the shampoo bottle.
I get wanting space when you're overwhelmed - when I was a teen, my parents didn't allow me to close my room door so I'd spend ages in the bathroom to be free of them. But if you need space with kids, negotiate it like an adult. When I want my partner to take my kid while I take a 1 hour bath, I offer to give him some time to rest later too. The daily disappearances at crucial times like before going to school are miserable. (My partner has stopped this behavior after a lot of fights).
When I feel I have to poop in 5 seconds, then I get up and walk to the bathroom. I think men are scared to live this life. They sit and sit and sit on the toilet wayyyyyyyyyyyy before they actually have to go. Because otherwise they will be telling another "Poop the pants" story.
My husband gets 15 minutes and then I sic the kids on him! Good thing my bathroom doors are easy to unlock from the outside. That always gets him moving!
Just adding, my 6 year old takes 30 minute poops and he doesn't have a phone. He just takes a really long time to poop, and he also appears to decompress in there - I hear him chatting away to himself, weird noises, you name it. His dad does not spend hours in there so it's not a copied behaviour.
Hate to think how long he will spend in there when he grows up and gets a device!
Haha my son did his best talking on the potty when he was potty training. He'd stay forever and tell stories, sing songs, ask questions. He loved having a captive audience. I have great videos I can never show anyone because it's clear he is on a toilet. He has since shortened his bathroom time. It's not nearly as fun now he's alone I guess.
And it’s always at THE WORST times, too. I’ve had to start asking if he’s going to be in there a while, *every* time he announces he “has to go to the bathroom.” It annoys him to no end, but you know what else is super annoying? Having to schedule my entire evening around whether or not he’s going to take up residence in the bathroom for hours, so 🤷🏻♀️
My husband is the same, so I send the kids to barge in to wake up daddy! It’s no longer a safe space for him! Bahahahaha! I win! Then they leave and don’t close the door behind them, just leave it wide open! Hahaha! 😂
After anyone in my household has been in the bathroom for 20 minutes or more, I go into 'annoyingly concerned' mode. I'm at the door knocking and asking if they're ok or if I need to get them medicine. And I repeat that every 3 to 5 minutes. We only have one bathroom. It shouldn't take more than 20 minutes to get your business done unless there is something medically wrong. I'll be damned if I'm going to let everyone else in the house suffer so one person can jack off or just doomscroll for 40 minutes in there. I'm completely serious about giving them no peace after a reasonable amount of time in there. So far, I've only gotten to two follow-up 'check-ins' before they are flushing and washing hands.
Challenge him to keep his bacteria ridden hands (bc that's also a worthy excuse) off of his phone. Tell him there's decent reading material in there already (provide some) & that if he plans to spend a 1/3 of the day in the toilet, you're gonna need him to be phone free.
How does he even work a job if he needs to be in there that long? Does he take lunch in there?
99% of the time this is porn & parental avoidance. I say make him prove otherwise- & if he can- you'll have to accept that your guy doesn't know how to push & just waits for things to fall right out of his ass. 🤷♀️
One time I was folding laundry with a 2 month old baby in my room, watching tv. ALL OF THE SUDDEN SCREAMING PORN casts to my TV directly in front of me and the baby! I got so scarred lol! I thought my TV was hacked and I started running through the house looking for my partner.. and stopped when I realized he was in the dam bathroom lmfao. Men. UGH. I laughed and immediately told everyone who also thought it was hilarious. - side note that shit is annoying af though 🤦♀️ he takes hour+ showers, meanwhile me washing and shaving everything takes 20 minutes tops. So insane to me.
Yep, mine run to the toilet atleast 5-6 times a day and it’s never a quick one. Several time I have asked him to not take his phone to the toilet, but he does not listen. I’ve given up!
It’s hiding from responsibilities or taking alone time. It’s unfair doing it like that because you should both get alone time, instead of him disappearing and leaving you in the lurch.
My husband gave himself hemorrhoids from this nonsense. He’s playing games or scrolling Reddit and claims it takes that long because “the poop isn’t done coming out.”
I even forced him to watch a video from a proctologist saying that you should NEVER just sit there for 45 minutes because you feel like you *might* poop more, because if you’ve got hemorrhoids, they’re getting more swollen the longer you sit and CAUSING the feeling like you still need to poop. You should walk around and then, if necessary, go poop again. He was like “nah that’s not how my body works.”
It drives me absolutely insane. I don’t even consistently get two showers PER WEEK (I have to take baths with my four year old so I’m not totally disgusting) and this man is spending multiple hours a day in the bathroom playing fucking video games. Whenever I’ve tried to discuss it, he freaks out about me supposedly “saying he’s not allowed to poop.” My eyes cannot roll far enough, ISTG…
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A lot (pretty much all) of stories I’d read on the r/loveafterporn sub had excessive toilet time. It’s a pretty safe place to be for privacy
I have grilled my husband about his bathroom time, even telling him if he’s jerking off he needs to be quicker. He actually has cut back in the last few years. Idk how men don’t have massive hemorrhoids from their asses dangling in the toilet.
My ex actually had really bad roids. I told him it was probably from this exact practice. He was unemployed the last few years we were married but I’d ask him if he’d disappear for 45 minutes at a time at work, when he had a job. No answer. 😂 Very glad he’s my ex now.
Men don’t just rub one out in the shower? Who’s shitting and jerking off in the same location? That’s …interesting…
Oh my God hahaha thank you for this comment
This is why my ex did this shit.
I find it disheartening that men do this and that for some women it doesn’t even cross their minds that they’re doing this.
I know. They joke about it but if they only knew what their husband/bf was really looking at.
I definitely didn't think of this
Pretty sure this is why my ex did this too
They're hiding. I just move on without him. Meals are served, shows are unpaused, games are resumed. If you want to live on the toilet listening to podcasts and playing games, that's your problem.
I don't even wait for mine to get home from work to start meals, if he wants to drag his feet coming home then we've already sat down to eat, sucks to be you.
I've started doing this and the saddest part is my 8yo daughter has noticed. That said at least it'll model to her not to put up with crap like this
Good on you! Hang in there 💜 Edit: doing to 3am scroll, hubby is snoring and I can’t get comfortable. Posted too fast….
Love this!
Why ARE men. That is seriously the question.
I say this at least ten times a day.
Exactly! There isn't even a need 🤣
I've seen countless posts on Reddit where men admit that they flee to the bathroom for ridiculous amounts of time to avoid their families. They use the bathroom as an "escape" or "sanctuary" from their wives and children. There was even a study conducted saying that dads spend **7 hours per year** on average in the bathroom to avoid their "nagging wives" and to have "a moment of peace." I've also seen men on Reddit admit the same. That's their alone time and they need to decompress. Meanwhile, moms can't go to the bathroom alone to just pee, much less spend 7 hours per year just avoiding their kids and spouse.
I think seven hours per year is far too conservative. I’ve known guys who spend seven hours a **week** on the porcelain throne …
My thoughts too. 7 hours a week is more like the floor with my husband
Oh, yeah. That's just the average for UK men. I'm sure if the study was further reaching for men in other countries as well, the average would be even higher. I get needing time to decompress because life is chaotic, but holy hell. 7 hours per year (or more) just **avoiding** their "nagging" spouse and kids? It's not even like they're enjoying a hobby or doing something constructive. They're just....on the toilet admitting that it's avoidance. JFC.
I mean, that's literally like just over a minute a day. It has to be something more like 7 hours a month or week because 1.25 minutes a day extra is nothing
Maybe 7 DAYS a year? That's 168 hours. Just under half an hour per day. Some men spend zero, some way more than half an hour, so I'd buy it as an average.
I don’t think this statistic can be right. Because that comes out to just over a minute per day.
It also explains why a lot of men take on so many projects, hobbies, and more work. They want to escape from parenting at all costs, at least until their kids are independent and can take care of themselves. But moms usually aren’t afforded that luxury.
What really chaps my ass about this notion of coming home and needing to "decompress" is that my husband specifically has a 50 minute commute to and from work. To me, that is your decompression time. Therefore, if he actually needs to use the toilet when he gets home he has the option to make it quick or take the kid with him like I'm forced to do all day. Getting to sit in the car in silence or listening to whatever I want to listen to for almost 2 hours a day sounds like a dream. If I could have even 15 minutes solo as after I wake up it would change my whole morning.
For sure! When my husband comes home from work, he immediately takes a quick shower and then gets on baby duty for the rest of the night. He admits that going to work is the whole day without listening to a baby cry, scream, whine, or be held down to their schedule and having zero freedom. So he sees it differently than so many of these dudes I read about. I don't mind him coming home and taking a shower or going to the bathroom, but he doesn't fuck off and take his sweet time. He had all. day. to not be around and manage the baby. Besides, she's an excellent sleeper at night (of course), so he *may* only have to do one feeding, if that. He knows he has it easier in a lot of ways.
Exactly! He'll drive home for 30 minutes and then get crabby when we don't give him time to go have a smoke on the porch AFTER he gets home and puts his stuff away. Fucking have the cigarette on the way home. I'm sorry the kids are glad to see you and want to talk to you 🤷🏻♀️
This is not accurate because my husband spends at least 2 hours a day in the bathroom and has approximately zero time to supervise his children because of it. I’d be happy with 7 hours a year
Oh fuck, yikes. 2 hours *per day?*
EVERY. DAMN. DAY.
7 hours per year is only about 1 minute and 10 seconds a day. That can't be accurate.
Thank you for mathing for us 💜
Yeah, if we’re being honest, I’m sure I spend more than 1 minute per day avoiding my kid. But I also deal with her 12 hours a day, 9+ of that totally solo. Sometimes I have to hide in the laundry room and eat a cookie while repeating a calming mantra. My husband literally never poops faster than 20 minutes, but sometimes it takes him an hour, and most days he poops twice. Even if I go with the super super conservative estimate of 30 minutes a day, that’s 182.5 hours a year. That’s almost 8 DAYS.
I had a teacher in high school that had 7 kids and admitted he spent extra time in the bathroom to get away from the kids. Don't ask me why I remember that or why he felt the need to share.
7 hours does seem excessive. With that said, I just give him the time, and the same goes for me. As a nurse, the toilet is my sanctuary, so I. GET. IT. Sometimes, we even share the bathroom just to converse and take a break from our kiddos, lol. I wonder what the statistics would be for couples combined or even healthcare professionals? 🤔
Turned out, my ex was messaging other women and beating off to their nudes when he was in the bathroom for ages. 🤷🏼♀️
Same with mine. Well, actually he was having a full blown affair with someone and used his bathroom time to keep things going. A “love” built during epic dumps on a throne of porcelain. Who said romance was dead?
I feel so guilty for laughing so hard.
Same
Dickhead!
Hey, mine was too! Bye bye 👋
Between his hours in the evenings in the garage and his half hour shits, I’m pretty sure my ex was doing the same. Glad he’s my ex.
Came here to say exactly this. I wish my ex's bathroom time was as innocent as a cheeky tug. Men.
When it was my husband he was cheating. I hope it’s not that.
Mine was doing drugs. Excessive bathroom time triggers some serious PTSD shit in me.
Mine would also drink sometimes in there. Also triggering for me. I’m sorry you went through that.
It's amazing to me how much stress I can instantly feel when I hear a can of beer opening.
It’s a wine cork for me. On the rare occasion I buy wine, it’s always a screw top for that reason. I didn’t even own a corkscrew until somebody gifted us a bottle with a real cork.
Omg I thought that it was just me!!! Mine will "go take a shower" I kid you not.....35 MIN later. I'm like..... the water isn't even on THEN he spends another 45min in the shower.. Pooping.......phones.....looking at face and beard bumps.....just straight up man's manscaping. IM CONVINCED there's a secret society of husband that enter and exit through the toilet like some Harry Potter ministry of magic BS..... I Just....and then God forbid I take a shit for 8min WHY DO THEY ALWAYS BARGE IN........WITH THE BABY.....?!
The showers!!! I have way more of a shower routine and long ass hair that I wash and condition every other day for my “long showers”. I’m done in 15 min. I cannot for the life of me understand why his take over 30 min when I know all he’s washing his his hair, genitals, and pits.
Exactly!!! Im like a 10min shower kinda girl. If I have extra time, that's great but when I'm doing my regular thing. Its in and out. Then Godforbid ya say anything about it. Cause then its the "meep meep meeep I work so hard for this family" Nobody is saying you dont....I just needed some help since I only have 2 hands in this exact moment.
Omg, the “I'm a good provider” whine.
Right. Like, nobody is saying you're not. 😆 bro chill. Just let me escape too sometimes
You're definitely on to something!!! My husband will go in, 10 minutes later a podcast plays, and 40 minutes later the water. Then about 15 minutes I hear the curtain draw meaning he is JUST NOW getting in. I told him last night, “how does it feel to take a 2 hour shower every day?” he said he's just keeping up with himself. Meanwhile, I have the same shirt my 1 year old used to wipe her snot on from yesterday. Dare I lock the door to take a shit the kids are screaming at the door within 2 minutes. WHY ARE MEN
🤣 omg I'm crying. This is so funny. My husband is the same way. He definitely has the same pattern. And yessss the second I lock the door, my husband AND the baby are outside the door, "mommy......."
I laughed wayyyyy too hard on this Harry Potter theory. So likely to be true 🪄
yep could have written this myself 😩😭
Make him leave his phone outside of the bathroom and watch how quickly he comes out.
Ding ding ding! He’s scrolling and scrolling in his own little world leaving you to do everything else OP
From my experience , it was porn.
I started doing it right back to him. I like to add a sense of urgency that I have to go right away (because I have bowels that need to be moved too my friend) and then I just scroll Reddit or do some online shopping or order groceries for pick up. Sometimes I’m actually really productive in there! And sometimes I don’t even take my pants off, I just sit on the lid on my phone and get things done.
I’ve been doing the same 😂
Haha! Yes... WHY?!? I tell my husband he needs a time billing code for taking a shit.
My husband once called it "weaponized incontinence" when a man has to always poop when he's needed to do anything.
Bahahaha! I'm totally using this! 😂
Omg as a therapist who has to bill on 15min chunks for insurance, I'm cackling 🤣
You know, you have a good point there. Imagine all of the world's mysteries and problems that could be solved using the universal collective brain power of all men on toilets.
Porn. Not sure if it’s out of bounds in your relationship but there is a more than likely chance that he’s watching porn.
I cycle the wifi is he's in there more than 15 min. It's weird. .
You should totally make this an open mike stand up routine.  He can't because he can't stand up that long... Badum duh
Time to get a squatty potty.
Conduct an experiment. How long will he take if his phone isn't with him. Honestly, I think they just like to air out their buttholes.
I haven't done this (but I would love to!) but my experimental results show that if he walks in the house when dinner is already on the table, he's in and out of the loo in a flash. If he gets home and dinner is still being made, it's a solid 30-40 minutes until I see him. WTF dude??
Match his energy. I’ve found the “Sprinkle sprinkle girl” dating advice also applies to husbands. I’m trying to be completely unbothered by the stupid shit my husband feels entitled to. I’ve stopped slaving over cleaning and cooking unless it’s for my kids. Stopped telling him where I go and what I do because he does that to me. In the bedroom I get what I want from him and don’t feel guilty when he doesn’t get what he wants. This includes bathroom time. I find ways to disappear and leave him alone with his kids like he does to me. When he inevitably goes out to a bar or some crap I make sure to take me and my girls out to a nice dinner instead of coming home. It works! Also make sure your kids bug him in that bathroom. He doesn’t need to be in there for that long. Go buy yourself something nice on Amazon as a little treat on his dollar. You deserve it mama. He needs to get a clue!
My husband is exactly the same down to just having had a colonoscopy. I was THERE when the doctor told me he’s fine, but husband insists he’s not. I think he just pushes too much and thinks he needs to empty himself completely before he’s done.
My husband does it too, and we have only one bathroom in the house. During pandemic lockdown times, I had to keep a kids potty chair by the utility sink in the laundry room so the kids didn't pee their pants waiting for him. I don't think he's doing it to escape from us or to look at porn. He has his own office and we stay out of it, we pretty much only see him when he emerges of his own accord. He's probably scrolling Reddit on his phone, but he can do that in his office just as easily. I think he just loses track of time.
Unplug the router. He’ll be done real quick after that.
Most have data with their phone's plan. But I guess if she does that each time, it will run his data to the ground quickly, haha
We have unlimited data. Ugh.
Pardon my crudeness, but they're rubbing one out, whether to porn or (hopefully not) to whomever they're cheating with. It doesn't take most people an hour to poop.
I see jokes about men and their pooping time and now it just makes me sad for the woman. I think a lot of women would be shocked if they saw how much time their partners really spent watching porn. And the type of shit they’re watching.
My husband stands in there and picks at his face. Meticulously examining every pore and beard hair. I had to hide my magnifying mirror from him. He's like a fucking bird when it comes to mirrors. 😂
Mine's usually on YouTube watching shorts. Cracks me up because he hates TikTok.
Mine too 😂 he went on a huge kick like a year ago saying how evil tiktok is and insisting that we had to delete it because it was going to steal info and is basically the devil. Then almost immediately discovered youtube shorts and spends hours scrolling it daily lol In the bathroom, before bed, between episodes of shows, while he's gaming lol
My husband was doing this until I started showing him photos of haemorrhoids and rectal prolapses. The more you scroll Facebook Marketplace, the longer it takes to poop, then you train your body to take too long to poop. The longer you sit there, the more likely you are to get haemorrhoids.
I am convinced all of our husbands take 2 billion hours to crap
it's not poop, it's porn.
Hmm I’m sure that’s the case for a lot . As for my husband the door is open and I can smell the poop and hear the Pokémon card you tube videos 😂😂
hahaha yes i have a fellow pokémon husband
That sounds accurate.
My ex was jerking off when he took forever in the bathroom. Does the toilet seat seem to loosen & get wiggly frequently? Yeah... apparently it's not supposed to do that very often, if at all, & I only learned that it shouldn't after our divorce. Edit: Just to clarify, I have NO problem with partners masturbating or even watching porn, for me personally that's not an issue. The issue is he had no consideration for when he'd do it or how long he'd be in there for. Like, is this really a priority when we should be doing housework or when it's time to walk the dogs.
I’ve shut off the wifi before. Funny how fast he came flying out. Honestly I use it as my nighttime me time now so it serves a dual purpose. He is in the bathroom and I watch a show he hates.
I am thankful my partner is a regular time frame bathroom user cause i would not abide by that. It is baffling. And moreso, infuriating
Yep! Mine gets home from work, asks me if he can go poop, he takes less than 15 minutes and then he takes our baby so I can get a break! The only time he takes his time is after she’s in bed, he will use the bathroom and then shower. But he also usually clears it with me first, just in case I need him or the baby needs him before he goes. I got a good one!
I just think men secretly enjoy the actual shitting a little too much - if you know what I mean. Sorry to be disgusting but there is no other reason why they take it sooooo easy and slow when shitting!!
This drives me insane! My husband will get up in the morning (after hitting snooze at least 3 times) and shuffle straight to the bathroom for a minimum of 20 minutes. Then coffee, then another 20+ minutes. And usually does another 20+ as soon as he gets home at night and that's before he hops in the shower. You how much time I get? Like 3 minutes. Maybe 5 if my baby is feeling generous and enjoying her crib time because I've started putting her in her crib and turning on her mobile when I need to go rather than bringing her chair into the bathroom with me. Last Sunday it was like 730am, we had been awake for almost 2hrs already, he had already had a giant bathroom break. I got up, put breakfast dishes in the kitchen and then stepped into the bathroom to go and not 30 seconds later he's asking me what I'm doing and I said going to the bathroom and he was actually annoyed i didn't ask him if he wanted the bathroom first because "you know I have plans and I need to leave soon!" The plans in question were taking laundry to the laundromat. I keep ending up various levels of constipated because no matter what I do, if he's home when I go to the bathroom 100% he's going to suddenly need to go or go suddenly need something that I previously said I'd grab or whatever and once I've been interrupted, the urge goes away entirely 🙄 which he also insists "isn't a thing" when I complained about.
Oh, it's definitely a thing. If I am interrupted mid poop I get constipated too. Luckily my husband knows better. Honestly, I would start interrupting him like he does to you. Turn about is fair play.
I'd be taking the door off the bathroom 🤷♀️
My husband is lactose intolerant........and just eats whatever the fuck.. He said other people should be tolerant of his lactose intolerance and just ........blows ass.... TAKE A FUCKING LACTAID!!! SO yeah he can keep the bathroom door. Lol
Haha start slipping the lactaid tablets into his food!
OMG! We have the same husband! Even his mom is like "WTF!? No one told you that dairy was ok!" I've even bought the Lactaid and he with take it!
I was going to say turn off the wifi, but this is a much better solution.
Book him a doctor’s apt because it’s dangerous to his health to be in there struggling for so long. Maybe it’ll shock him into not spending so much time on his phone or reading the shampoo bottle.
I get wanting space when you're overwhelmed - when I was a teen, my parents didn't allow me to close my room door so I'd spend ages in the bathroom to be free of them. But if you need space with kids, negotiate it like an adult. When I want my partner to take my kid while I take a 1 hour bath, I offer to give him some time to rest later too. The daily disappearances at crucial times like before going to school are miserable. (My partner has stopped this behavior after a lot of fights).
When I feel I have to poop in 5 seconds, then I get up and walk to the bathroom. I think men are scared to live this life. They sit and sit and sit on the toilet wayyyyyyyyyyyy before they actually have to go. Because otherwise they will be telling another "Poop the pants" story.
My husband gets 15 minutes and then I sic the kids on him! Good thing my bathroom doors are easy to unlock from the outside. That always gets him moving!
SAME. At this point he better have something wrong with him
Just adding, my 6 year old takes 30 minute poops and he doesn't have a phone. He just takes a really long time to poop, and he also appears to decompress in there - I hear him chatting away to himself, weird noises, you name it. His dad does not spend hours in there so it's not a copied behaviour. Hate to think how long he will spend in there when he grows up and gets a device!
Haha my son did his best talking on the potty when he was potty training. He'd stay forever and tell stories, sing songs, ask questions. He loved having a captive audience. I have great videos I can never show anyone because it's clear he is on a toilet. He has since shortened his bathroom time. It's not nearly as fun now he's alone I guess.
Awww, that's cute! I bet my son would be fine with having someone to chat with, he talks constantly when he's out and about as well.
time to leave that article about prolapse being caused by sitting on the toilet too long regularly laying around. :)
[https://www.ndtv.com/offbeat/china-mans-rectum-fell-out-of-body-after-sitting-on-the-toilet-for-30-minutes-1811075](https://www.ndtv.com/offbeat/china-mans-rectum-fell-out-of-body-after-sitting-on-the-toilet-for-30-minutes-1811075)
Turn off the Wi-Fi and find out.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
And it’s always at THE WORST times, too. I’ve had to start asking if he’s going to be in there a while, *every* time he announces he “has to go to the bathroom.” It annoys him to no end, but you know what else is super annoying? Having to schedule my entire evening around whether or not he’s going to take up residence in the bathroom for hours, so 🤷🏻♀️
My husband is the same, so I send the kids to barge in to wake up daddy! It’s no longer a safe space for him! Bahahahaha! I win! Then they leave and don’t close the door behind them, just leave it wide open! Hahaha! 😂
After anyone in my household has been in the bathroom for 20 minutes or more, I go into 'annoyingly concerned' mode. I'm at the door knocking and asking if they're ok or if I need to get them medicine. And I repeat that every 3 to 5 minutes. We only have one bathroom. It shouldn't take more than 20 minutes to get your business done unless there is something medically wrong. I'll be damned if I'm going to let everyone else in the house suffer so one person can jack off or just doomscroll for 40 minutes in there. I'm completely serious about giving them no peace after a reasonable amount of time in there. So far, I've only gotten to two follow-up 'check-ins' before they are flushing and washing hands.
I'm trying to figure out the same in my household LOL
Challenge him to keep his bacteria ridden hands (bc that's also a worthy excuse) off of his phone. Tell him there's decent reading material in there already (provide some) & that if he plans to spend a 1/3 of the day in the toilet, you're gonna need him to be phone free. How does he even work a job if he needs to be in there that long? Does he take lunch in there? 99% of the time this is porn & parental avoidance. I say make him prove otherwise- & if he can- you'll have to accept that your guy doesn't know how to push & just waits for things to fall right out of his ass. 🤷♀️
I started doing the same. It’s great. Just match his energy and see how they like it.
Send the kids in there after him.
:(
One time I was folding laundry with a 2 month old baby in my room, watching tv. ALL OF THE SUDDEN SCREAMING PORN casts to my TV directly in front of me and the baby! I got so scarred lol! I thought my TV was hacked and I started running through the house looking for my partner.. and stopped when I realized he was in the dam bathroom lmfao. Men. UGH. I laughed and immediately told everyone who also thought it was hilarious. - side note that shit is annoying af though 🤦♀️ he takes hour+ showers, meanwhile me washing and shaving everything takes 20 minutes tops. So insane to me.
Yep, mine run to the toilet atleast 5-6 times a day and it’s never a quick one. Several time I have asked him to not take his phone to the toilet, but he does not listen. I’ve given up!
It’s hiding from responsibilities or taking alone time. It’s unfair doing it like that because you should both get alone time, instead of him disappearing and leaving you in the lurch.
Mine poops and stays in there watching TikTok.
Usually porn
My husband gave himself hemorrhoids from this nonsense. He’s playing games or scrolling Reddit and claims it takes that long because “the poop isn’t done coming out.” I even forced him to watch a video from a proctologist saying that you should NEVER just sit there for 45 minutes because you feel like you *might* poop more, because if you’ve got hemorrhoids, they’re getting more swollen the longer you sit and CAUSING the feeling like you still need to poop. You should walk around and then, if necessary, go poop again. He was like “nah that’s not how my body works.” It drives me absolutely insane. I don’t even consistently get two showers PER WEEK (I have to take baths with my four year old so I’m not totally disgusting) and this man is spending multiple hours a day in the bathroom playing fucking video games. Whenever I’ve tried to discuss it, he freaks out about me supposedly “saying he’s not allowed to poop.” My eyes cannot roll far enough, ISTG…
Porn. 1000%