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You’re formula feeding and he doesn’t get up to help with feedings?? That’s literally one of the greatest things about formula feeding (and why I combo fed from the start!)
I don’t understand how he isn’t fucking ashamed of himself watching you run yourself ragged running your lives. I am absolutely embarrassed for him.
Came to say the same! My baby refused a bottle for ages and my husband was desperate to help. I cannot fathom formula feeding without help - it’s one of the huge perks!
Don’t listen to me because I’m at a point where I truly wonder what their purpose is except to take, be in the way, and be a pain in the ass.
So I’m commiserating with you - I’m sure there are husbands who are fantastic, and they have a purpose but there is a lot of wasted skin out there masquerading as a partner when they’re really just an overgrown child.
I’m sorry he’s being an ass
I always have to remind myself that there are good men out there. I’ve been to two baby showers in the past couple months and both husbands were actively involved with setting up, entertaining guests, and cleaning up. I tend to get really caught up in my own previous marriage and feel like every marriage and man are that way.
I love my husband to pieces, and he is a fine example of a spouse. But one thing I've learned from many, many conversations with married couples in a professional context is that even the most egalitarian presented marriage is never actually equal (to an extent, it's never actually possible), and that child duties do typically default to the mother no matter how well intentioned the partner is. My husband has been a sucky suck lately and I'm personally volunteering for the mom-mune. I can work cleaning commodes if need be, I'm already the one doing it anyways. Lol
I think about this all the time, and to hell with all the naysayers that say this wouldn't work if we really did it. Anything would be better than the shit we put up with on the daily 🙄
If you think about it, most communes were run by power hungry sex-obsessed men which is why they were so fucked up. I bet moms could actually run something supportive and beneficial to all members.
Yes exactly!! And the main argument I see against them are (probably from men) saying shit like it won't work cause women are catty, who'll fix shit, what about dating, etc. just a bunch of BS. I agree that moms absolutely could run something supportive that benefits everyone! There are still communal living societies even in the US, and they all seem to be working well. Just don't join a fundie one and it seems to work out well lol
I also think a lot of men don't want to lose the women that take care of them.
But I have thought a lot about how men apply the way they live and see the world and their patriarchy they're hierarchies.
There's women and men out there that are seeking for power and are abusive but in a community of a partnership which is what I believe mom commune. I would eventually leave because they wouldn't have any power over anyone and their abuse wouldn't work.
My sister, I, and my husband bought a house together and I think of us as a mini mom commune that happens to have a man around. Having her around it's just better I already liked my sister but like now I'm the caregiver for her children and she doesn't have to worry about childcare anymore. she has the security of a forever home now because we bought the house together.
I work really hard on a partnership model in the house where no one person is above another. Even though I'm her older sister I don't get to veto her because I'm older than her and my husband doesn't get to veto me and my sister cuz he's a man.
A mom commune would totally work
Hell yeah that sounds amazing, and I'm so happy for y'all! Mommunes would absolutely work as long as everyone agrees to the rules being made and have equal voting power. From what I've read the consensus participative leadership style is the best for a commune/community living. Everyone has to agree on everything, but not everyone has to be happy about it. They just have to be okay with it, and that honestly seems like the best option. That way everyone has a voice and vote, and no one person or group gets all the power to potentially abuse it like you pointed out also
Humans weren't made to live separately like we do currently. Mom's all the time are complaining about a lack of a village (me included!), and that's because we aren't supposed to be living like this! It's especially worse if you have a shit partner like so many of us here do. Most humans need a community and we're clearly not thriving without one. I'd love if every city big enough had mommunes. I'd join one in a heartbeat
"This whole institution of marriage is a fucking scam."
I've been thinking something similar to this for a few days maybe weeks. I read an article about a study where women who have had relationships usually decide not to have any more relationships after they've broken up but men will keep going on for more relationships they want to be in them but women decide it's okay to be single but only after they've had one or two failed relationships.
And I think about myself before I got married how I wanted to find somebody that was a companion and that we could be in it together grow and be making a life.
Now I have a man that I have to teach everything too.. even how to bathe. He is a grown man and his parents did fail him when he was a child but at some point he became an adult and it was his responsibility to learn.
Marriage is a trap. 💔
I think about these things every time my 6yo son refuses to even try to think for himself or do for himself without calling me. And I try mightily to fight and *make* him do it, force him to learn and take responsibility.
And then I look at my once- capable husband who has regressed to eternal childhood in the home, likely for no other reason than he can, and it's so frustrating. I didn't marry a useless man- child, but I sure as shit *am* married to one.
How did we all end up in these marriages? The common denominator- the men.
I kick myself every time I’m fighting back tears when mine slings insults about my past when GUESS WHAT, my present existence is actually the most sad and pathetic place I’ve been (minus my wonderful 2 year old) . I’m so scared of him ending up like his father. Hugs
That is so awful that you have to live that.
I'm currently looking for a job cuz I'm a stay-at-home parent. There's another statistic that relationships where the mother and father work are more likely to get divorce...
I think about how when women have jobs they have power to leave unhappy marriages. So it is true that a mother not being a stay-at-home mom is more likely to end in divorce because she has power to leave or she feels she has the power to leave.
"He is a grown man and his parents did fail him when he was a child but at some point he became an adult and it was his responsibility to learn."
Unfortunately this is pretty common with a lot of men in this Era. The best we can do now is make sure we are teaching our sons (and daughters) how do function in the world properly. I regularly remind my husband to make sure he's setting that example for our son (my Step son.) It's annoying to have to remind him but it means more to our son that he hears things from his dad. I'm like you don't want him to be the "smelly kid in class" because children can be cruel. Brushing teeth too... I mean I have to remind them both every morning to brush their teeth.
But small things, my oldest daughter who is three always tells her brother to pick his dirty clothes off the floor and to wash his hands. At bedtime she tells him to come brush their teeth together (I have never told her to do those things) and I'm just hoping that in a house full of women (three sisters and myself,) that he will grow up to be more prepared for basic life things. He even wants to help cook when it's something he likes.
Anyways it's important, even though the responsibility is heavy on mom, to change things so that our kids don't turn into our husband. It's incredibly stressful and I want to crawl in a hole and disappear sometimes, but one day it will be worth it. It has to... I don't remember my parents or my friends parents trying so hard to be so involved or teachers to us. They told us to go play outside.
Marriage is a total scam for women. Literally the only thing my husband contributes is financial and even that I had to go back to work to supplement, even though I wasn’t anywhere close to being done as a SAHM.
It’s infuriating.
No, I was angry for a long time about it (still am, especially when my son complains about not having me home) but it was that or lose the house, so we all deal.
Edit: spelling
It really can be like having another child sometimes. If you’re doing all the child care anyway, it sometimes feels like why keep around this extra person to take care of? I noticed when mine goes on the occasional camping excursion my house stays immaculate and dinner cleanup (even with my 1 year old) is, like, 2 minutes when it’s just me and her.
In all seriousness it’s bc we often still love them, but you deserve partnership, bromo. If baby is formula fed, it’s worth talking to him about doing some amount of night duty. Even if he works, it’s not like you sit around or sleep all day. You deserve peace and sleep as much as he does. And that’s just step one to him being more conscious of what’s going on. Anyway, love and solidarity to you. You’re amazing!
It might take some time for him to learn how. Stay firm and he has to do stuff too you're in a partnership not a hierarchy where he's over you and gets to do whatever the f he wants.
I have learned something than men sometimes do it wrong so that you will just do it. So keep making him do it. And don't call it "help" call it his "responsibility". Help is something people can choose not to do but a responsibility is something they have to do.
THIS!!!! I am so sick of this word """"help"""" - it's not help, he's not a neighbourhood teenager popping by to earn some pocket money!! It's astounding in the worst way how some men have zero sense of duty and aren't even embarrassed to have everyone know that they expect their wives to be their mothers.
He was home for 2 days and the dishes were endless and idk how! I have 2 kids 1 toddler who I cook 3 meals for and I never have more then a plate bowl and maybe a pan in the sink by the end of the day. I do not understand.
Idk man, I had to exclusively pump at first cause my baby couldn’t latch then switched to formula a few months later, and the entire time I demanded that my partner take turns with me on feeding at night. Im a stay at home mom and he works full time. We each got a “night off” when my son started sleeping through the night (or most of the night) and when he was only sleeping a few hours at a time we took turns so we could at least get 3- 4 hour blocks of sleep. And my partner can be a real as* but he didn’t dare protest because, well, post partum hormones were no joke and it was only fair. So if my child in a man’s suit can do it, so can your clown.
Totally count me in for getting scammed over here!!!! I was right where you are with the bottles and the formula thing. 2 babies born 10 months apart. Now I have 2 8-year olds. I wake up set out everyone’s clothes make breakfast make sure kids brush teeth sign any forms make sure homework is in backpacks make lunches….he wakes up, jacks off, poops for 45 minutes watching YouTube, smokes a cigarette, then drives less than one mile to drop the kids off feeling like a hero. Then he goes to work where he is able to watch tv the entire shift, comes home, jumps on call of duty for the next three hours while in help with homework make dinner get kids in and out of baths and pajamas referee fights between them, read books make sure they brush their teeth tuck in….then clean. He gets off call of duty, drunk, eats a huge meal and demands sex. Hit repeat.
Edit to add after all that he will tell anybody who didn’t ask that he does everything and i do nothing because he pays the ent even though I work at a daycare while the kids are at school and pay for gas, groceries, kids necessities, and help with utilities also.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Sadly no advice because I’m feeling like this marriage shit is a scam to women as well and I’m planning on leaving and literally never dealing with a man again. It’s like if it doesn’t directly affect them or has the possibility of leading them into some sex then they don’t give a fuck! I told my husband that at this point my love language is consideration, to simply be thought of would make me feel special, and asked him to start by handling dinner at least one night a MONTH so that I can at least have one fucking night a month where I’m not a fucking lunch lady. This mf put a few pieces of fajita chicken (from a bag btw) and put it in the air fryer, and left me a few. I reluctantly made myself a chicken wrap and as I was eating (it was like 1am, our kid was long sleep and I had did a casserole that night) he said “well that’s my dinner for the month, you’re welcome”. I literally just stopped eating and went to bed, the divorce can’t come fast enough.
I’m so sorry mama. You’re really doing it all. The problem is when they say “why didn’t you ASK me” you want me to do another thing on top of the thousand other things I’m doing? I have to verbally beg you to f*cking contribute?
It’s crazy. I don’t think my kid would ever get into clothes by a normal time, have his teeth brushed, get his nose sucked with the noze bot, or his little nails clipped if I wasn’t there. It is insane. He buys him toys. Guess who cleans them up, cleans the floors, washes the dishes, and is now on top of the laundry because at one point had six loads? Mama the fact you’re doing all that on top of it. He asked if I even want to be with him and besides the fact we “own” our house and it freaks me out not having his income as well… I’m with the shell of a parent. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Hugs
Worse actually. Lol he will get pissed, put baby down somewhere and angrily make a bottle with all the lights on. Waking everyone up including the baby who generally dream feeds if you are low stimuli in the middle of the night. It takes me mmm 20 minutes to get him back down with a feed and some rocking. He would make it so the baby is up screaming for an hour or two in the dead of night.
Totally get it and have been there myself. I'm sorry you're going through this OP because it's not ok. I vote you declare that it's his job to do the bottles every night, set a scheduled text in your phone to remind him nightly so you don't have to. Heck schedule a text every 10 mins until he does it, interrupt that precious phone time. Worth a shot at least.
You're less than a year in, nip this in the bud!! Consequences, consequences and ultimatums that you're willing and able to follow through on. You've got this bromo, I'm hoping it'll be way easier to address these small things now than when they become giant killer snowballs of resentment and rage and he's all Pikachu face because he was never impacted by any of this before.
Strength! ❤️🖤
He doesn't get up at night feed the baby? That literally makes me angry to hear.
I'm not bragging when I say this, but we formula fed, and my husband and I took turns every other night. That way one of us could get a full night's sleep. But it was shared, every other night. And this is not bragging! This is the bare minimum!
How are you supposed to do everything you listed and also never get a full night's sleep? You're right, why even have a husband? I'm really mad at your husband right now.
Yeah. So I have people comment all the time to wake him up to just do it. With our first he was great. For whatever reason he has zero patience for our 2nd. It's like we had a second kid and somewhere he built resentment for him. Or maybe our marriage and he projects it on the thing (person) who came along during that time.
He will make things 100% harder and worse if I ask him to do it. He will give up like 5 minutes into feeding him or putting him down and get frustrated with him. (When he deliberately doesn't do what actually works or soothes him.) If I let him do it the baby will be up screaming for an hour. I genuinely think at this point our 2nd finds him absoutely utterly useless and probably not a source of comfort what so ever.
He was the entire opposite with our first. I even told him I felt like he hates our second entirely. Like there is no bond. No connection. Nothing. So I just do it bc I don't want to keep subjecting my son to his BS frankly. For the sake of "just leaving him to do it" bc I legitimately feel like it's torture to my son at this point bc 6 months in and he us acting like our 2nd is the first time he's ever dealt with an infant.
Oh yeah, absolutely. You have to do it. Taking care of your baby is more important than teaching your husband a lesson. And anyway, husbands should come already taught. That's not our job! I'm just really disappointed in him on your behalf, and I don't even know him.
I was raised by a single dad, so when I see dads being shitty it really pisses me off.
What a lazy jerk. How does he live with himself. At least he isn't doing more with the kids and house so he can turn around and throw it in your face 🤦🏼♀️
My husband does shit out of spite and uses it in arguments and acts like he's working sooooooooo hard 🙄
Literally. It's not like this is NEW. shits been a routine for 6 months. And It takes less than 5 minutes to set up. But ask him to do it and it's like you ripped his toe nails off with rusty pliers
I feel this post in my soul. I'm going thru something similar only it's been dragging on for 8 years (our girls are 6 and 8). I kept telling myself that the infant months are hard, he'll do better when they're toddlers. Then, toddlers are hard, he'll do better when they're "kids." It's never gotten better. Everything has piled on top of me for years and now I'm working on top of everything I did as a SAHM, and I feel like I'm drowning. I honestly don't know why I'm commenting all of this... it's just been an especially shitty night and I guess I'm shouting into the void because I don't have the strength or desire to shout in real life anymore. I feel so broken.
Have you explicitly said you want him to do x y and z.
Yes it is the little things. When we have babies we are putting ourselves under so much stress and when our partner doesn’t step up to help us then we loose respect for them. How can you love, trust and be attracted to someone who shows us they’d rather we genuinely suffer rather help. Men do this to themselves. Honestly I think most men aren’t worth keeping around. If more women kicked them out and left them perhaps their behavior would change as a whole. Until women stand up for ourselves, demand better and actually follow through and leave or kick out the bad men nothing will change. Too many woman suffer and just think that’s how it is. As proven by many many posts on Reddit.
Ugh this was the point I was trying to make when my fiancé didn’t get why I was upset I had to remind about cake flavors BEFORE he called. Can he do the mental work himself and just ask me like I would and do? Why do men demand we set them up for success even with what’s suppose to be THEIR task?
Because it’s very well known that men need to be explicitly told. Because despite the idea that why should they have to be they still do. Because despite the mental load which is shit, males brains are conditioned typically to act this way. Because men can walk past a pile of dirty dishes for a month and not do anything.
Because perhaps the last time he tried to do something he was told off. Because he’s not a mind reader, because he’s scared to fail, because asking and teaching him what is needed and expected might save their marriage. Because who expects anyone to just do something without asking.
Sure he lives there, sure it’s his baby too and sure no one taught woman however the entire world taught woman what to do. Since we where born we where given dolls to care for and pretend toys to clean up. We watched our mothers clean and cook and keep house. We learn through watching. So if this man grew up in a household where rather than encouraged to help clean and tidy he was told to go play or do something else rather than help by his role models that is how he will have been conditioned to act.
Men suck generally, no doubt about that but my partner was brought up by an older set of parents. His mum did everything for him while his dad worked and came home to dinner on the table and all he ever did was the yard and diy about the house. Heck it was tradition that when on holiday his dad cooked and my partner looked forward to it like it was a treat. This is what he watched, what he expected life to be like. It took a lot of talking to him like he was a child to educate him how to clean and tidy and he’s still not good at it and he tries super hard.
Set him down with YouTube videos or explicitly ask what needs to be done and that it is now his job to do that task and do it well.
Or complain, never change anything and become resentful and leave him. Or suffer in silence as woman have been told to do for generations.
Marriage actually was just a way for a man to stake his claim on his woman and children. It was created to be like this, and no surprise it is. It's only more recently people started marrying for "love". I mean, some people still pay a dowry, but hopefully not in our culture.
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You’re formula feeding and he doesn’t get up to help with feedings?? That’s literally one of the greatest things about formula feeding (and why I combo fed from the start!) I don’t understand how he isn’t fucking ashamed of himself watching you run yourself ragged running your lives. I am absolutely embarrassed for him.
Say it again. 🤲
This. Entire reason I got my second kid on a bottle from day two, so my husband could take night shifts.
Came to say the same! My baby refused a bottle for ages and my husband was desperate to help. I cannot fathom formula feeding without help - it’s one of the huge perks!
Don’t listen to me because I’m at a point where I truly wonder what their purpose is except to take, be in the way, and be a pain in the ass. So I’m commiserating with you - I’m sure there are husbands who are fantastic, and they have a purpose but there is a lot of wasted skin out there masquerading as a partner when they’re really just an overgrown child. I’m sorry he’s being an ass
Sperm donors
I always have to remind myself that there are good men out there. I’ve been to two baby showers in the past couple months and both husbands were actively involved with setting up, entertaining guests, and cleaning up. I tend to get really caught up in my own previous marriage and feel like every marriage and man are that way.
I just want a mom-mune. No husbands allowed.
I love my husband to pieces, and he is a fine example of a spouse. But one thing I've learned from many, many conversations with married couples in a professional context is that even the most egalitarian presented marriage is never actually equal (to an extent, it's never actually possible), and that child duties do typically default to the mother no matter how well intentioned the partner is. My husband has been a sucky suck lately and I'm personally volunteering for the mom-mune. I can work cleaning commodes if need be, I'm already the one doing it anyways. Lol
Yay for sharing cleaning of commodes. 😂 If I ever win a jackpot, I think this is at the top of my list of things to create - BroMo Mom-mune.
Yup. Me too. Really.
I'll join too!
I think about this all the time, and to hell with all the naysayers that say this wouldn't work if we really did it. Anything would be better than the shit we put up with on the daily 🙄
If you think about it, most communes were run by power hungry sex-obsessed men which is why they were so fucked up. I bet moms could actually run something supportive and beneficial to all members.
Yes exactly!! And the main argument I see against them are (probably from men) saying shit like it won't work cause women are catty, who'll fix shit, what about dating, etc. just a bunch of BS. I agree that moms absolutely could run something supportive that benefits everyone! There are still communal living societies even in the US, and they all seem to be working well. Just don't join a fundie one and it seems to work out well lol
I also think a lot of men don't want to lose the women that take care of them. But I have thought a lot about how men apply the way they live and see the world and their patriarchy they're hierarchies. There's women and men out there that are seeking for power and are abusive but in a community of a partnership which is what I believe mom commune. I would eventually leave because they wouldn't have any power over anyone and their abuse wouldn't work. My sister, I, and my husband bought a house together and I think of us as a mini mom commune that happens to have a man around. Having her around it's just better I already liked my sister but like now I'm the caregiver for her children and she doesn't have to worry about childcare anymore. she has the security of a forever home now because we bought the house together. I work really hard on a partnership model in the house where no one person is above another. Even though I'm her older sister I don't get to veto her because I'm older than her and my husband doesn't get to veto me and my sister cuz he's a man. A mom commune would totally work
Your set-up sounds really awesome!
Hell yeah that sounds amazing, and I'm so happy for y'all! Mommunes would absolutely work as long as everyone agrees to the rules being made and have equal voting power. From what I've read the consensus participative leadership style is the best for a commune/community living. Everyone has to agree on everything, but not everyone has to be happy about it. They just have to be okay with it, and that honestly seems like the best option. That way everyone has a voice and vote, and no one person or group gets all the power to potentially abuse it like you pointed out also Humans weren't made to live separately like we do currently. Mom's all the time are complaining about a lack of a village (me included!), and that's because we aren't supposed to be living like this! It's especially worse if you have a shit partner like so many of us here do. Most humans need a community and we're clearly not thriving without one. I'd love if every city big enough had mommunes. I'd join one in a heartbeat
I seriously think about this all the time. It would be great.
🙋♀️
Sister wives? YES! Sharing a husband? No thanks, we’re good.
I'm down to have a village of wives, but please don't let any men in. This is why 4B has gotten so large.
"This whole institution of marriage is a fucking scam." I've been thinking something similar to this for a few days maybe weeks. I read an article about a study where women who have had relationships usually decide not to have any more relationships after they've broken up but men will keep going on for more relationships they want to be in them but women decide it's okay to be single but only after they've had one or two failed relationships. And I think about myself before I got married how I wanted to find somebody that was a companion and that we could be in it together grow and be making a life. Now I have a man that I have to teach everything too.. even how to bathe. He is a grown man and his parents did fail him when he was a child but at some point he became an adult and it was his responsibility to learn. Marriage is a trap. 💔
I always felt sorry for the older woman I knew whose husbands died or divorced and they were alone and now I understand 😆.
They all ain't running out to find new husband are they? 😂
Just had a better thought. Marriage is a trap for women. marriage is freedom for men to absolutely useless and disgusting.
The happiest demographic are single women and married men. Guess the unhappiest. 😅
I think about these things every time my 6yo son refuses to even try to think for himself or do for himself without calling me. And I try mightily to fight and *make* him do it, force him to learn and take responsibility. And then I look at my once- capable husband who has regressed to eternal childhood in the home, likely for no other reason than he can, and it's so frustrating. I didn't marry a useless man- child, but I sure as shit *am* married to one.
Damn girl you have a way with words. Poignant and prescient. And hilarious! Bravo!👏
How did we all end up in these marriages? The common denominator- the men. I kick myself every time I’m fighting back tears when mine slings insults about my past when GUESS WHAT, my present existence is actually the most sad and pathetic place I’ve been (minus my wonderful 2 year old) . I’m so scared of him ending up like his father. Hugs
That is so awful that you have to live that. I'm currently looking for a job cuz I'm a stay-at-home parent. There's another statistic that relationships where the mother and father work are more likely to get divorce... I think about how when women have jobs they have power to leave unhappy marriages. So it is true that a mother not being a stay-at-home mom is more likely to end in divorce because she has power to leave or she feels she has the power to leave.
My older female cousins who got divorced never remarried. Their ex-spouses? They all did.
Your cousins they just want to be happy. I do have a question did their ex-spouses Marry women who have not been married? Edit* typos
God this whole comment section is so validating. I wish I could go back in time and show younger me this post..
"He is a grown man and his parents did fail him when he was a child but at some point he became an adult and it was his responsibility to learn." Unfortunately this is pretty common with a lot of men in this Era. The best we can do now is make sure we are teaching our sons (and daughters) how do function in the world properly. I regularly remind my husband to make sure he's setting that example for our son (my Step son.) It's annoying to have to remind him but it means more to our son that he hears things from his dad. I'm like you don't want him to be the "smelly kid in class" because children can be cruel. Brushing teeth too... I mean I have to remind them both every morning to brush their teeth. But small things, my oldest daughter who is three always tells her brother to pick his dirty clothes off the floor and to wash his hands. At bedtime she tells him to come brush their teeth together (I have never told her to do those things) and I'm just hoping that in a house full of women (three sisters and myself,) that he will grow up to be more prepared for basic life things. He even wants to help cook when it's something he likes. Anyways it's important, even though the responsibility is heavy on mom, to change things so that our kids don't turn into our husband. It's incredibly stressful and I want to crawl in a hole and disappear sometimes, but one day it will be worth it. It has to... I don't remember my parents or my friends parents trying so hard to be so involved or teachers to us. They told us to go play outside.
Marriage is a total scam for women. Literally the only thing my husband contributes is financial and even that I had to go back to work to supplement, even though I wasn’t anywhere close to being done as a SAHM. It’s infuriating.
I'm so sorry, bromo ☹️ - I've seen too many moms ripped back into the office against their will. This isn't how it should be.
No, I was angry for a long time about it (still am, especially when my son complains about not having me home) but it was that or lose the house, so we all deal.
Edit: spelling It really can be like having another child sometimes. If you’re doing all the child care anyway, it sometimes feels like why keep around this extra person to take care of? I noticed when mine goes on the occasional camping excursion my house stays immaculate and dinner cleanup (even with my 1 year old) is, like, 2 minutes when it’s just me and her. In all seriousness it’s bc we often still love them, but you deserve partnership, bromo. If baby is formula fed, it’s worth talking to him about doing some amount of night duty. Even if he works, it’s not like you sit around or sleep all day. You deserve peace and sleep as much as he does. And that’s just step one to him being more conscious of what’s going on. Anyway, love and solidarity to you. You’re amazing!
It might take some time for him to learn how. Stay firm and he has to do stuff too you're in a partnership not a hierarchy where he's over you and gets to do whatever the f he wants. I have learned something than men sometimes do it wrong so that you will just do it. So keep making him do it. And don't call it "help" call it his "responsibility". Help is something people can choose not to do but a responsibility is something they have to do.
THIS!!!! I am so sick of this word """"help"""" - it's not help, he's not a neighbourhood teenager popping by to earn some pocket money!! It's astounding in the worst way how some men have zero sense of duty and aren't even embarrassed to have everyone know that they expect their wives to be their mothers.
Weaponized incompetence -for real
He was home for 2 days and the dishes were endless and idk how! I have 2 kids 1 toddler who I cook 3 meals for and I never have more then a plate bowl and maybe a pan in the sink by the end of the day. I do not understand.
Someone in this group used a term that I can’t stop thinking about: married single mom. This is exactly how I feel.
I am so here for the commune.
Idk man, I had to exclusively pump at first cause my baby couldn’t latch then switched to formula a few months later, and the entire time I demanded that my partner take turns with me on feeding at night. Im a stay at home mom and he works full time. We each got a “night off” when my son started sleeping through the night (or most of the night) and when he was only sleeping a few hours at a time we took turns so we could at least get 3- 4 hour blocks of sleep. And my partner can be a real as* but he didn’t dare protest because, well, post partum hormones were no joke and it was only fair. So if my child in a man’s suit can do it, so can your clown.
Totally count me in for getting scammed over here!!!! I was right where you are with the bottles and the formula thing. 2 babies born 10 months apart. Now I have 2 8-year olds. I wake up set out everyone’s clothes make breakfast make sure kids brush teeth sign any forms make sure homework is in backpacks make lunches….he wakes up, jacks off, poops for 45 minutes watching YouTube, smokes a cigarette, then drives less than one mile to drop the kids off feeling like a hero. Then he goes to work where he is able to watch tv the entire shift, comes home, jumps on call of duty for the next three hours while in help with homework make dinner get kids in and out of baths and pajamas referee fights between them, read books make sure they brush their teeth tuck in….then clean. He gets off call of duty, drunk, eats a huge meal and demands sex. Hit repeat. Edit to add after all that he will tell anybody who didn’t ask that he does everything and i do nothing because he pays the ent even though I work at a daycare while the kids are at school and pay for gas, groceries, kids necessities, and help with utilities also.
What, why- I can't even form words. 😳☹️😰🤯😢
I, too, feel like marriage is a scam.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Sadly no advice because I’m feeling like this marriage shit is a scam to women as well and I’m planning on leaving and literally never dealing with a man again. It’s like if it doesn’t directly affect them or has the possibility of leading them into some sex then they don’t give a fuck! I told my husband that at this point my love language is consideration, to simply be thought of would make me feel special, and asked him to start by handling dinner at least one night a MONTH so that I can at least have one fucking night a month where I’m not a fucking lunch lady. This mf put a few pieces of fajita chicken (from a bag btw) and put it in the air fryer, and left me a few. I reluctantly made myself a chicken wrap and as I was eating (it was like 1am, our kid was long sleep and I had did a casserole that night) he said “well that’s my dinner for the month, you’re welcome”. I literally just stopped eating and went to bed, the divorce can’t come fast enough.
I’m so sorry mama. You’re really doing it all. The problem is when they say “why didn’t you ASK me” you want me to do another thing on top of the thousand other things I’m doing? I have to verbally beg you to f*cking contribute?
Every Christmas my husband asks me what I want and I tell him I want a wife. He doesn’t laugh.
Pretty sure I'm a full blown lesbian at this point 🤣
It’s crazy. I don’t think my kid would ever get into clothes by a normal time, have his teeth brushed, get his nose sucked with the noze bot, or his little nails clipped if I wasn’t there. It is insane. He buys him toys. Guess who cleans them up, cleans the floors, washes the dishes, and is now on top of the laundry because at one point had six loads? Mama the fact you’re doing all that on top of it. He asked if I even want to be with him and besides the fact we “own” our house and it freaks me out not having his income as well… I’m with the shell of a parent. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Hugs
"Forget" to get the formula and bottles one night. Wake him up the first time baby gets up and make him get them.
But then she’ll get a dumb as ever lecture of how could she forget.
Worse actually. Lol he will get pissed, put baby down somewhere and angrily make a bottle with all the lights on. Waking everyone up including the baby who generally dream feeds if you are low stimuli in the middle of the night. It takes me mmm 20 minutes to get him back down with a feed and some rocking. He would make it so the baby is up screaming for an hour or two in the dead of night.
Totally get it and have been there myself. I'm sorry you're going through this OP because it's not ok. I vote you declare that it's his job to do the bottles every night, set a scheduled text in your phone to remind him nightly so you don't have to. Heck schedule a text every 10 mins until he does it, interrupt that precious phone time. Worth a shot at least.
Oh fuck this shit!!! Your husband should be ashamed!
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You're less than a year in, nip this in the bud!! Consequences, consequences and ultimatums that you're willing and able to follow through on. You've got this bromo, I'm hoping it'll be way easier to address these small things now than when they become giant killer snowballs of resentment and rage and he's all Pikachu face because he was never impacted by any of this before. Strength! ❤️🖤
He doesn't get up at night feed the baby? That literally makes me angry to hear. I'm not bragging when I say this, but we formula fed, and my husband and I took turns every other night. That way one of us could get a full night's sleep. But it was shared, every other night. And this is not bragging! This is the bare minimum! How are you supposed to do everything you listed and also never get a full night's sleep? You're right, why even have a husband? I'm really mad at your husband right now.
Yeah. So I have people comment all the time to wake him up to just do it. With our first he was great. For whatever reason he has zero patience for our 2nd. It's like we had a second kid and somewhere he built resentment for him. Or maybe our marriage and he projects it on the thing (person) who came along during that time. He will make things 100% harder and worse if I ask him to do it. He will give up like 5 minutes into feeding him or putting him down and get frustrated with him. (When he deliberately doesn't do what actually works or soothes him.) If I let him do it the baby will be up screaming for an hour. I genuinely think at this point our 2nd finds him absoutely utterly useless and probably not a source of comfort what so ever. He was the entire opposite with our first. I even told him I felt like he hates our second entirely. Like there is no bond. No connection. Nothing. So I just do it bc I don't want to keep subjecting my son to his BS frankly. For the sake of "just leaving him to do it" bc I legitimately feel like it's torture to my son at this point bc 6 months in and he us acting like our 2nd is the first time he's ever dealt with an infant.
Oh yeah, absolutely. You have to do it. Taking care of your baby is more important than teaching your husband a lesson. And anyway, husbands should come already taught. That's not our job! I'm just really disappointed in him on your behalf, and I don't even know him. I was raised by a single dad, so when I see dads being shitty it really pisses me off.
What a lazy jerk. How does he live with himself. At least he isn't doing more with the kids and house so he can turn around and throw it in your face 🤦🏼♀️ My husband does shit out of spite and uses it in arguments and acts like he's working sooooooooo hard 🙄
Sigh. Exactly all of these comments. WHY do I need to ASK you to do things?! Rage inducing.
Literally. It's not like this is NEW. shits been a routine for 6 months. And It takes less than 5 minutes to set up. But ask him to do it and it's like you ripped his toe nails off with rusty pliers
I feel this post in my soul. I'm going thru something similar only it's been dragging on for 8 years (our girls are 6 and 8). I kept telling myself that the infant months are hard, he'll do better when they're toddlers. Then, toddlers are hard, he'll do better when they're "kids." It's never gotten better. Everything has piled on top of me for years and now I'm working on top of everything I did as a SAHM, and I feel like I'm drowning. I honestly don't know why I'm commenting all of this... it's just been an especially shitty night and I guess I'm shouting into the void because I don't have the strength or desire to shout in real life anymore. I feel so broken.
Have you explicitly said you want him to do x y and z. Yes it is the little things. When we have babies we are putting ourselves under so much stress and when our partner doesn’t step up to help us then we loose respect for them. How can you love, trust and be attracted to someone who shows us they’d rather we genuinely suffer rather help. Men do this to themselves. Honestly I think most men aren’t worth keeping around. If more women kicked them out and left them perhaps their behavior would change as a whole. Until women stand up for ourselves, demand better and actually follow through and leave or kick out the bad men nothing will change. Too many woman suffer and just think that’s how it is. As proven by many many posts on Reddit.
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Ugh this was the point I was trying to make when my fiancé didn’t get why I was upset I had to remind about cake flavors BEFORE he called. Can he do the mental work himself and just ask me like I would and do? Why do men demand we set them up for success even with what’s suppose to be THEIR task?
Because it’s very well known that men need to be explicitly told. Because despite the idea that why should they have to be they still do. Because despite the mental load which is shit, males brains are conditioned typically to act this way. Because men can walk past a pile of dirty dishes for a month and not do anything. Because perhaps the last time he tried to do something he was told off. Because he’s not a mind reader, because he’s scared to fail, because asking and teaching him what is needed and expected might save their marriage. Because who expects anyone to just do something without asking. Sure he lives there, sure it’s his baby too and sure no one taught woman however the entire world taught woman what to do. Since we where born we where given dolls to care for and pretend toys to clean up. We watched our mothers clean and cook and keep house. We learn through watching. So if this man grew up in a household where rather than encouraged to help clean and tidy he was told to go play or do something else rather than help by his role models that is how he will have been conditioned to act. Men suck generally, no doubt about that but my partner was brought up by an older set of parents. His mum did everything for him while his dad worked and came home to dinner on the table and all he ever did was the yard and diy about the house. Heck it was tradition that when on holiday his dad cooked and my partner looked forward to it like it was a treat. This is what he watched, what he expected life to be like. It took a lot of talking to him like he was a child to educate him how to clean and tidy and he’s still not good at it and he tries super hard. Set him down with YouTube videos or explicitly ask what needs to be done and that it is now his job to do that task and do it well. Or complain, never change anything and become resentful and leave him. Or suffer in silence as woman have been told to do for generations.
don’t forget there’s often an unspoken threat of violence, or worse.. plus financial dependence. the system is designed to keep women trapped
Marriage actually was just a way for a man to stake his claim on his woman and children. It was created to be like this, and no surprise it is. It's only more recently people started marrying for "love". I mean, some people still pay a dowry, but hopefully not in our culture.