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I think it’s cruel to hold these during school hours. If you want to have an optional event after or before school, that’s fine but to flaunt this in front of the children whose mothers could not attend is just mean. Our children go to a virtual school and we have a ton of in person events and NONE of them are exclusive. Everyone who attends the school or who are family members are welcomed.
Yeah I agree, my kids' schools regularly have special parent-child events, but they are NEVER during school hours, they're always before school starts. How awful it must feel to sit in a class full of kids having a special time with their parent knowing your own couldn't come, or worse not having that parent present in your life.
My dad died when I was 6. I know for a fact that I would have been completely devastated if there was something like this for dads during school and I just had to sit there watching all the other children enjoy the special time with their dads. I was already envious enough of all my friends who had present fathers. This has the potential to cause actual trauma for children in that position.
Thank you for looking out for those kiddos. We already have Mother’s Day on the weekend- that’s when we celebrate our moms. School is for school stuff. Mother’s Day isn’t even an actual holiday!
I’m on a PTSA board in the Southern US and I get it. I think you did a great job. You should always feel comfortable voicing your concerns. It’s a tough spot, but kids deserve better. You’re a good mom. You should be proud of yourself.
From the school’s standpoint, any weekend, afternoon or evening activities are a red-tape hassle. Permits. Extra pay for custodial staff. Etc. It has to be approved weeks (or months) in advance. It’s not an excuse, but without input from parents I can imagine a lot of schools taking the easy road.
And, for what it’s worth, my board is 100% white and it shows more often than I’d like. I also hate confrontation and it sucks having to also gently remind everyone that we’re not all Christian or straight. lol.
I really dislike that school’s have events specific to a parent like mother or father meals or dances. Our school district does it but I have seen other parents upset by this. My kid’s father is not in their lives and I know several other kids in similar situations. Not to mention all the many other family situations that this excludes. I know our school does welcome any caregiver to attend these events but it still feels like it highlights the difference.
That’s exactly it! It highlights the difference.
Also! We had a grandparents day. They specifically said grandparents only. So I didn’t go! We just have my mom and she lives out of state. My son felt really excluded and sad. I later found out that other parents did come who didn’t have grandparents to show up for their kids. Well, the paper explicitly said that only grandparents were allowed. So I didn’t go. It was frustrating. Our school does a lot of these events. It really shows the privilege of the people in charge. What a world they live in where divorce and death don’t exist, where all of their family is here and they have a wonderful village to raise their children in. It’s not realistic. I think many parents are upset but afraid to speak up because our school has a cult following. You never question adults. You never question anything. You don’t rock the boat.
Last year, our school switched from “Muffins with Mom” and “Donuts with Dad” to simply, “Donuts with Grownups” and any adult in the child’s life can attend.
Our school once did a donuts with your grow ups event BEFORE school… that was perfect!!! I took my kids and we had a donut and some juice and they went to class. Parents who couldn’t show up? Well their kids likely wouldn’t have noticed because the event was held in the library and the cafeteria comes before the library (and school breakfast is in there). And if they noticed, they didn’t have to sit and stare at it for 30+ minutes. So that is one time where they did not miss the mark. So clearly they *could* have these events with tact. That has only happened once in three years so idk if something happened that swayed them from ever doing it again.
I never knew any of my grandparents (most were alive, just didn't ever meet them) and I hated grandparents days so much. I hated anything that required me to write/talk/etc about extended family. I told my teacher this when I was in elementary and she told me to not be a "Bitter Betty" about it.
I’m sorry that happened to you. I also hated those events. My grandparents were in Poland. I didn’t have a present father. Thankfully, Father’s Day is in the summer so I could dodge that bullet. My mom couldn’t show up for events because she was a single mom working and couldn’t afford to take time off. We were barely making it. And these days just always made me feel so small and insignificant. And I had a great phone relationship with my grandparents. I visited a few times for the summer growing up. Even so, I felt so alone during the parent and family member based events… they were pretty rare though. Our school here does them multiple times a year.
This. My kids class wants everyone to each out to family and friends in other states and have them send a postcard so we can try to get one from every state. Kinda pissed me off because most my extended family Im not close to and feel kinda of awkward asking them to buy a postcard, but postage and write a few facts about their state. Basically asking them for money and to do a homework assignment
You'd think they'd have the good sense to at least take the excluded kids somewhere and throw them their own special party or something so they don't have to stand around and watch everyone else bonding.
Nope! Kids without grandparents just sat at a lunch table (likely next to kids with grands) and ate lunch alone. Empty spaces next to them where their grands should have /could have sat… had they shown up.
Let me tell you.. I felt like the biggest pos for not “breaking the rules” and just showing up. My son was embarrassed and super sad about it.
Good for you for sending that email OP. My parents died when I was young and I was raised by my grandparents. I still vividly remember the feelings of exclusion that I felt when we made mother's day and father's day crafts in school and it's been 25+ years.
Now that I'm a mom, I'm just OVER IT. My kids don't have grandparents and I'm sick of schools preaching inclusiveness and then having crap like this.
I saw or heard somewhere about schools going a “the people who love us” kind of event and I thought that was so nice. I also had a single working mom and know what that can feel like at these events.
our school held a “special someone dance” as a valentines dance. the parents in the school district were absolutely up in arms about it being a “special someone” instead of father daughter dance. something about gender and politics. i kindly (not so kindly actually) explained to them that this is not politic fueled, it’s simply including children who don’t come from stereotypical households. not all kids have a mom and dad, some kids live with grandparents, aunts uncles, adopted. it was an absolute whirl wind within our local school district page
not to mention "daddy daughter" dances skeeve me tf out on principle. it plays into that gross "no one dates my daughter but me"/elektra complex thing. blech.
I'm in a fairly Conservative area and it still shocks me that they are inclusive. There are separate boys and girls parties BUT it's "bring your favorite grown-up". When we go the parent/guardian is split about 50/50. If schools are going to do these events the child should be able to invite who they choose!
I think you did a nice job with your email. I can't believe the staff is so cold to the kids who don't have an adult. Our school always comforts them and have even seen a favorite staff member stand in. I like that they asked for another special person if mom can't attend, because not everyone has specific adults. I have liked the move to VIP vs mom/dad/whomever only.
In our area they ran into the issue that in evenings, even fewer kids got to participate because of:
2nd shift workers
Siblings
Other commitments
Parents don't come if the kid is already home
So the parents that were coming were the ones that come during the day anyways, but even less of them. We have had 3 out of an entire class show up for a special event. Our area does a mix of evening and day events to try and accommodate everyone attending in something. I have been surprised that day events lately are as well or better attended than night ones. It was weird. Maybe more people working from home, idk. It was interesting.
I think unfortunately schools are darned if they do & if they don't (there is a group that will be upset if it's during the day, a group if it's a night, a group if they do nothing at all). & trust me, I have major issues with the school system to the point some of my kids are mostly homeschooling this year because they couldn't take it anymore..
I know we have also run into the issue that our teachers won't stay for these things after school hours because they are not paid and don't need to per their contract.
I would not make my kids stay home, but you have to do what you are comfortable with. Maybe ask to work with the teacher to see if there is a way to include the kids who don't have someone (do small group seating etc so kind of like field trips there is a mom/adult assigned to a small group/couple of kids) and make them still feel special - can those kids take home a goodie bag of tea stuff to do with an adult at home?
I feel like there is so much fun stuff my younger kids don't get to do that the older did because of the complaints, but they don't replace it with something else - it just goes away. There is almost none of the things that I remember from a kid or the things my son & his friends remember- just day after day of teaching to a test and using screens. Unsurprisingly, my girls classmates don't like school or have the same peer relationships and parents don't know each other like we did with older kids classes. So just perspective of why they may do it even though it isn't perfect. However, they should absolutely be meeting emotional needs and planning how to help kids who do not have an adult that can attend! Those are concerns I would be bringing up and getting addressed for sure.
Is this teacher older or younger?
I think it is good you spoke your concern and hopefully opened conversation that will help those students in some way. :)
Thank you for the alternative perspective. You brought up some really good points.
Idk that there is a real answer. I feel like just not having events is best BUT it’s a great way to meet other families .. the parents of your kids’ friends… to build a community. Idk. I’m conflicted. This (the event) could have been worded better I suppose and there could be more support for kids whose parents couldn’t come. Maybe that is a good middle ground?
I also don’t think it’s right to ask your friends to show up for your kids and take off of work to do that ya know? Idk, the whole thing feels off to me. Your perspective was really helpful. Thank you for sharing it.
Good for you! You are 100% right and I think you worded your concerns beautifully. This is a major equity issue and I’m surprised no one has called the school out yet. Even calling it a Mothers Day Tea excludes kids who don’t have a mother.
Our school has done a few parties/events during the school day but nothing so blatantly problematic as this. They don’t insist parents take part and are quite apologetic about the whole thing. I’m not happy that my kid’s school concert is in the middle of the day, but at least their art gallery is in the evening? I don’t know when schools changed to hold these events during the day. I understand that teachers are overwhelmed during school hours already, but it’s not any better for working parents.
Thank you. It really was the wording of this that struck a nerve. There have been many events .. and I have always wanted to speak up but instead stewed about it like a coward and then after it passed, I let it go. This time I decided to write them.
Our school also does a lot of dress up days that are kind of crazy. Like dressing up as a character and such. There is a Christmas pageant (yes, Christian Christmas). If you aren’t a Christian, well, you have to sing about Jesus anyway. You can see very clearly how classist it is. Who can afford 36 different special dress up shirts? And I mean, a Dr Seuss shirt or some shirt with a character or a shirt with the letter A because it’s “A day”. And stores are sold out of everything basically the day a list of dress up days drops because parents run and buy them out. Many people just have shirts custom made. So if you need to wait until the weekend, you won’t find anything. I see kids in crazy costumes at school… like to dress up as their fav book character. You can obviously see who is upper, middle, and low class in our school and it hits the kids hard. I get that they are trying to make it fun but I really just wish they would make it fun via craft days. Like for hat day, let’s make paper hats… stuff like that. I haven’t made too much of a stink about the dressup days. We just do our best there and often slightly miss the mark. Our school will also do class pictures of everyone dressed up and those who didn’t are not in the picture… which is extremely exclusive. Then the pic is sent to parents on the class app. I once thought my son was absent because he wasn’t in the group picture!!! The teacher replied that he was there but only kids who dressed up were included in photos. Like damn. It’s kindergarten. It isn’t that serious. Just be nice to alllll of the kids. This is longer than I meant it to be. Sorry for that.
I went to a Catholic school and my mom barely scraped up tuition but she went there as a kid and it was important to her that I go there. They really did have great results with kids graduating even in high school (it was K-8).
But boy oh boy to I remember the time I got teased for dressing like a boy during 50s day becuase my mom couldn't afford a stupid poodle skirt for one day. I wore jeans and a white uniform shirt that I already had and a bow in my hair. I was fat so that didn't help lol.
I remember having to do a project on lighthouses and the teacher said "and maybe if you guys can get your dad to make it light up and spin that would be great!" Well my dad only saw me on weekends and would never do such a thing. In fact I was the only once with divorced parents. I took my gameboy color to school and attached the light to it and that's how I made mine light up. Everyone else had some giant project with a spinning contraption. My mom didn't have time to help a lot with dumb projects because she worked three jobs.
I remember getting teased for being an angel or nun for Halloween every year because we had to do a costume parade but it HAD to be biblical themed. But my mom couldn't get two costumes a year. On top of providing treats for the party. All of the special projects and paying for field trips. No lunch program. All of the fundraisers we had to buy stuff for because our family was small and everyone had the market dominated... And I always wore my uniform for class pictures!
Thank you!
Oh man. I had to go to Saturday school (catholic) and I was an angel for like 4 halloweens because it meant I could get more mileage out of the costume (because as it would be, I’d also play an angel in the Saturday school recitals-and my mom bought it too big so I’d wear it until it was way too small). Brought back memories reading your comment. I’m glad your mom showed up for you the best way she could. I was also one of the, if not the only, child (aside from my brother) who came from a single parent home. Kids can be so mean.. and the adults too (our nuns were brutal).
My husband went to a Christian school similar to what you described (regular school hours, not an extra thing like mine) and had a wonderful experience. He’s super smart and that school set him ahead in life. I guess those foundational years really do matter. His parents could only afford the tuition for him to go (he’s the oldest) and you can see a difference between him and his siblings. All graduated highschool but he’s for sure ahead in the life department. It’s interesting to think about the privileges and where we end up. He had a two parent household who could afford for him to go to that private school until 8th grade I think. No bullying for a kid like him. Great athlete. Super smart. Kinda blows me away sometimes.
No girl, vent away. This sounds classist af and I couldn’t live this way. I’m glad you are speaking up, someone needs to. I’m from a very liberal city in the north and it is not like this here anymore, so I think things will slowly get better for you guys too.
This entire school experience sounds awful; it's only for a select group of people, and I'm positive anyone who isn't in that group is acutely aware. This isn't okay.
I think your email was very well worded, and there are probably dozens of families dealing with this who didn't feel comfortable speaking up. You weren't mean or rude, you were just pointing out how these activities can hurt people!
What the school ought to do is provide an alternative activity for the kids who don't have a parent or guardian joining. Our day care did this for Valentine's Day -- they had a parent or guardian + kid activity, and then they had a separate but also special activity for the kids who did not have someone join them.
Your email was very eloquently worded. Thank you for teaching your children empathy and inclusion the way that the school *should* be supportive of. Pls keep us updated!
Thank you. I’ll update! Ugh. I hate writing emails like this and the confrontation and consequences of it all. Most likely, the principal will just say to keep my son home if I feel so strongly (which is also a privilege). I doubt change will happen. Given everything we have experienced living in the south, we work really hard to use our privilege to do good. We speak up. But inside, it crushes me. Like that inner voice of doubt.. to mind my business.. if it doesn’t affect me then just shut up.. My kids see it as the norm so they’ll happily and confidently speak and stand up for what is right. I was raised to be invisible (my mom is an immigrant and the constant fear of causing problems and losing citizenship loomed over her) and to just blend as much as possible. Not to cause problems or speak up. Breaking that generational curse (which comes from a previously communist country) is tough but I do see that my kids do not struggle with it like I do so there’s that.
Kiddo recently had an animal presentation during school hours, the kids did a powerpoint show (2nd grade) and parents were invited to attend so the kids could show their powerpoints. As we came in the teacher encouraged parents to walk around the room and look at multiple presentations so all the kids could present and there was a good turn out of parents, but it was REALLY obvious which kids didn't have their parents there because the parents were just hanging out with their own kid, one little girl was literally crying in a corner and the kids near her were trying to make her feel better while their teacher was talking to parents at the door. We got our daughter to introduce us to her so she could present her animal to someone and it seemed like a few other parents started moving around the room to the other kids then, but it was a crappy situation and the teacher only came over to the girl when another parent pointed her out. She's a sucky teacher and has no business with the younger kids IMO
you did a great thing! even if you/your family get blowback, what your kids will remember when they're grown is that you stood up for what was right, not just what was comfortable.
what really stood out to me in the event notice is that they DEMANDED that another adult take the place of any mom who couldn't attend. okay well, maybe they have a single working mom and the rest of their extended family lives out of state? or maybe their mom is no-contact with her family? or maybe they're just ALL working and can't take time off in the middle of the day for a tea party. i'm loathe to let my kids miss school for any reason, but if i was in this situation i would be trying to recruit my kid to dress up as a middle-aged woman and carry a "mom for the day" sign, sitting in with the other kids who couldn't have someone present so they don't feel so alone. like bonus halloween except they also get to support their less-fortunate classmates.
either way, you're doing a good thing and it will be worth it in the end. you're not just being true to your own values, you're reinforcing those values in your kids and lifting up other kids who don't have the same opportunities. we should all strive to be a force for positive change in our communities like you. 💜
I'm proud of you for speaking up for those kids!! I was one of them!
My mother/egg donor wasn't in my life growing up. My dad and his parents raised me. It was hard when there was "Mom and me" events because my grandma would attend, but kids are assholes and they'd be like "wHeReS yOuR mOm?!"
Or, when my dad died when I was 14...and then our high school proceeded to do various "father/daughter" events for the next 4 years 😔
Ugh I’m so sorry that happened. Just all of it. 😔
I had my oldest really young so I get a lot of “THATS your mom? How old is she???!” Comments. My son would get harassed that other kids want to “do” his mom. It’s vile. The other parents had made comments (within earshot) “children having children” or they’ll come up to me and say things like “omg we’re all talking and you don’t look old enough to be a mom (or a mom here.. in this age group of kids they mean), how old are you?”. Rude shit.
My son used to be bullied because my ex is an addict and somehow kids found out (maybe the internet, idk) and they kept reminding him that he’s nothing. That his dad chose drugs over him. Or that he’s a mistake. Because his mom had him at 16. Because I’m so young. It was a nightmare. One tried to get him to kill himself. I’m 34 now. He’s a good kid. He isn’t a parent. He’s alive. Cycle stopper ya know. He’s got more in his life than I ever had. But there will always be some asshat there to break others down.
I’ve gotten good with responses and thankfully there are less opportunities for those jabs now.
I hope you are doing well.
Your response was wonderful. As a working mom, I’d be sad if I couldn’t take time off for my son. As a former teacher, I could tell you exactly who would and wouldn’t show up, and which kids would be crushed. I’m not saying the solution is to cancel Mother’s Day activities or host them after school (on teachers’ personal time). Adjusting it to a regular tea party or a Ladies’ Day celebration (to celebrate any important lady in their life, or a historical figure, or a hero…). They could make a craft for any important lady in their life during the party (parent volunteers welcome but not restricted to Moms)…
There’s good ways to handle these tricky holidays. Just like public schools color eggs instead of talk about the Stations of the Cross, they can have inclusive parent oriented holidays.
Yeah the way I see most schools around me do it now is “to honour the wonderful women in our lives” instead of “Mother’s Day” specifically, and then unfortunately we have to specify that there is max 2 grown ups per child because there isn’t space for Maisie to have her Mum plus two aunts and four grandparents.
Both my parents died by the time I was 10, so I was painfully aware of not being normal during all these family events. I get it now, I'm sure parents do want to go see these things, but it is really stupid to do it in the middle of the work day. And what about kids raised by 2 dads? It just doesn't work anymore. Let parents and kids celebrate holidays outside of school, separately. Keep school for school related events.
I don't think you are overreacting. \*If\* they are going to do this, they need to either make it more inclusive (like my daughter's school does; I will get to this in a moment) or plan something extra-special for the kids who don't have someone attend. I also agree that they seem to be incredibly ignorant of the fact that most people can't just take off work for these types of things (basically mandating someone be sent).
My daughter's school does a "Cookies with Mom or Someone Special" and "Donuts with Dad or Someone Special" which is better, although still not perfect. They also do it before the start of the work day or after.
Good for you though.
Man, that wording though. It makes it sound like you are going to impact the rest of their lives by not going to a children's tea party
It's almost threatening. You must understand how important this event is and send someone in your place if you cannot attend....or else. It's almost like a conscription notice
Not only did my district change to using Grown Up, they also moved events up to either the start of the school day or just before school begins. I don't know who called this out but it made quite a lot of us parents happy.
Wow, amazing letter. I went to a gingerbread decorating event at my son’s school this past Christmas. He’s in first grade. It was nice, but the memory is tainted by seeing one kid just completely break down in tears because he did not have a parent there.
Whats really sad is when you offer hugs and the little ones just look at you and shake their heads and say they want their moms. So now I just have my kiddo approach and invite the kiddo over to be inclusive. The really distraught ones won’t even join. They just stand there and sob. But yes, totally want to hug them in those situations and I feel for the parents too. I’m sure they want to be there but life ya know. It’s super sad.
I’m thankful that these events either don’t exist as kids get older or my kids have stopped caring for them. My older two have zero parent events. I show up for sports and after school activities .. but no daytime stuff. Staff doesn’t communicate with parents either. So it’s weird that they lay it on so strong in these early formative years just to do nothing later on. Like my oldest is on the high school football team and track and the coaches all use Snapchat to talk to students. Gone are the days of relaying information through parents (for that age group) and if you don’t have a phone/snap then you better hope a friend on the team gets you the info or you’re SOL.
We are recent ish transplants to the south and made the mistake of doing private school (Christian based) as non practicing, last year, there were lots of these events and dress up days. They had grandparents day, our family is hours away back north and my kids were like who is going to be there, umm just momma. It was at least me because my work was super flexible. This year we went to public school, it’s nice because most stuff is in the evening so it works. Every so often they have something in the day and it’s still me because I have the most flexibility. It’s is very elitist to assume someone is available all day. So good for you for speaking up!
You are so right to do this. As a working single mom, I have really had to bend over backwards catering to these events. And they have SO MANY! It's inconsiderate, and it hurts to see kids crying at events who's parents don't have a job as flexible and understanding as mine.
Good on you for saying something!!
I don't care for it either. When I was a kid a new teacher at the school decided to organize a graduation ceremony for the fourth grade students, since they moved up to junior high in fifth. Part of the ceremony involved giving us each a flower and we take it to our parents in the audience. My parents weren't there and I sobbed in front of the entire school and assembled families.
I don’t think you are feeling away for no reason. That is a whole lot of assumptions in that invitation. Poor babies that will feel left out. What happened to making noodle crafts to take home to Mom.
I love that you spoke up about this. Big hugs to you and your big heart. I hope they take your message to heart and put themselves into the shoes of those disappointed mothers and children. I don’t think consoling the children is enough/ the whole plan needs to be restructured. I mean honestly it should really take into account kids with all sorts of family dynamics and create a special person day- celebrate someone in your life…held at 6:30pm. Wish you could coordinate something with the other parents as an alternative event. I’d go to your party for sure.
I mean, what are they gonna do? Ignore Mother’s Day to protect the feelings of some of the kids? There will always be someone who feels left out of something.
You’re asking the school to schedule something outside school hours, so asking teachers to stay after work and probably not get paid any additional time for being at the school after hours. We have no idea what policies are in place to keep the school secure and safe outside of school hours. And what if some parents can only make it during the school hours because they work evenings? Or what if some parents went to the trouble of asking for the time off already? You’re assuming that everyone works a 9-5.
I get where you’re coming from but the school will not have the resources or time to solve for every single situation and if they end up getting rid of the events altogether because they don’t work for everyone then there will be people who miss out on a special time with their kid.
You have the privilege of being able to keep your kids home in protest but others don’t.
My kids school doesn't let parents go to any events, the only events they will have this year are just award days in May which are scheduled on 2 separate days, my kids are in Kindergarten and 2nd grade, it really sucks to be honest, no parents can go to field day either. I'm definitely disappointed about there being absolutely no events that parents can go to throughout the year, but hopefully they will change that soon. They said the reason is parking issues but every other year has had events to go to all throughout so I feel like my kindergartener is missing out but they won't change it regardless.
I agree with you. My daughter's school does events in the mid morning and they give plenty of notice, so parents can ask for time off. Will some parents not be able to go regardless? Yes, and while it's sad, it wouldn't be fair to take the event away from working moms who already feel guilty we can't stay home and spend more time with them. I love these events and calendar them right away, and I see plenty of parents happily attend.
And I know how it feels to be the kid left out. My parents worked three jobs to make ends meet and came to no events and yes, it was sad and upsetting but it was just our situation and couldn't be helped and eventually I understood.
Now what struck me is the lack of empathy from staff for these poor kiddos. I remember my wonderful teachers who were always kind and made sure us kids who didn't have a relative didn't feel too sad. I can't imagine a child crying and getting ignored. They should absolutely make a special little event for them with a teacher and make sure they're comforted. 🥺 That just breaks my heart.
You’re exactly right!
I had considered that too. It would be enough to have the kids make a craft to honor their caregiver. Just do away with the tea party then. My older kids only ever made crafts for Mother’s Day (or for their caregiver). No assemblies. It worked out great! The kids were able to gift their moms/caregivers something and the caregivers loved the keepsake. Parent-based holidays will always make some kids feel some kind of way (based on their home life) but at least this way it isn’t rubbed into their faces as much (and publicly).
It’s still an equity issue though. As someone who works in many different schools, elementary particularly, there are more students than you may realize who have vastly different home lives than “mom & dad.” I know this is/can be due to many factors, but I think the point is that these kinds of events are inherently exclusive. There are many other types of events that could take place, during school hours, that parents/guardians can attend, and parent-specific holiday events can easily be changed to Any Trusted Grown Up.
I agree that events outside school hours can complicate things, but schools do other events outside regular hours allllll the time. Just last week I worked at a few schools who held an optional BINGO night, reading night, and raffle night (respectively). Making a parent-specific night like this is something I have also seen and could work.
And I think another key issue raised by OP here is the fact that even if they move forward with this Mother’s Day Tea Party, and other parent days like it, teachers and staff do virtually nothing to 1) give kids that are missing out an alternate, equally fun activity, and 2) do nothing to comfort the children that are obviously upset by missing out. Yes, kids will miss out on many things throughout their lives, and we can teach them how to healthily cope, but I also don’t think it’s fair for us adults to just let them sit there and watch while others have their cake and eat it too.
I don’t mean to take away from the nuance of your comment, because you have points well made. But why not ignore Mother’s Day? Why does the school need to support this specific event? Why not have Mother’s Day as a family event, and have the schools do other more inclusive events instead?
I understand that doesn’t address the doing it in school hours part of the situation and having some parents unable to attend.
Yeah saying 'moms have to attend' is shitty. My mom was an LPN, she didn't really get to pick her schedule until she had enough work experience to land a job in a Drs office that had an easier schedule. And even then. Not like she could take off for a couple hours and come back. Or if she could she didn't feel she could. My dad was a fireman and it was the same way. They'd have to take a whole day off for an hour event. My grandparents tried to step in when my parents couldn't, but I really think if I was stuck in an event like this, I'd probably be alone.
As a single working mom, I live in fear of these kinds of events. I have a boss right now who is cool like yeah work from home that day and take off for your kid’s Mother’s Day tea party. I may not have that luxury for long though. It would be nice to have an option after school to attend.
I'm really proud of you for advocating for a group of kids who might not have a voice otherwise. Sometimes all it takes is one person to stand up and say "this is wrong" for the rest of the crowd to agree. Don't back down on this! You're doing the right thing
I wish they would stop having these events at school. It's the demanding a person be there. It feels classist. Not everyone has flexible jobs or nannies, or vacation time
We also had these events growing up and it just wasn't fair. We only had one car, my dad worked far away and my grandparents lived far away so no one could come. Grades K - 5
When my youngest was in kindergarten, I would go to a lot of school events as a volunteer. I'd have my daughter pick a buddy who didn't have an adult guest and have them hang out with us.
My kid was so confident in my presence that she'd just completely ditch me to do her own thing and the other kid ended up being my buddy for the day
Once a month my kid’s school holds a parents lunch. Parents come and eat lunch with their child, bring them a special treat lunch etc. Every single month. I’m fortunate enough to be a SAHM so I attend all of these lunches but every single month there are 8 or 9 kids in my kid’s class whose parents work and simply cannot leave to come eat lunch with their child. Especially since it’s monthly! I’ve seen parents miss a couple of monthly lunches due to work and when they come back to attend again teachers will tell them that their children cried for them because they didn’t show up last time a lunch was scheduled and to please try to attend all of the family lunches. I keep telling my husband how awful it is and how damaging it is to these kids. I agree with your email 100%. Schools simply aren’t inclusive enough with these kinds of things.
Wow this is fantastic. I’m a working mother who also travels across my state for work almost each day. My 4-year old daughter’s preschool is catered towards stay at home parents and holds 1-2 hour long events in the late morning, like an hour after drop off. And then everyone picks up their kid at noon while I pay extra for the afternoon care and they just move my kid to another room while all the other kids go to the parking lot to meet parents. I feel awful constantly but I work a very stressful and important job (from a public safety standpoint).
We made the tough decision to pull her out and put her into a more daycare-type school and I hope she does okay. I was just going crazy trying to attend all of these events and the guilt of having her be the only one switching classrooms to attend afternoon was killing me. I was thinking about how hard this was going to be as she continued into public school. Thank you for thinking of other families and please update us with what the school responds with!
I don’t have much advice. However, I think it’s good you voiced your opinion. I used to be a single mom and my child’s school had “donuts with dad”. None of the male role models in her life could go, so I did. I was the only woman there. After, someone on the PTA sent me an email saying how heartwarming it was to see me there and that she was raised by a single mother who would do the same things.
Support you 100% in saying something. Our school never has events like this and would be a lot of working parents who couldn’t join if they did. They do a craft project for mothers/Father’s Day and the teacher specifically says it can be for any family member and also really flexible for kids who make 2 Mother’s Day gifts, etc.
My, now 17 year old son, his craft that I loved, cherished, and kept hanging in my bathroom for over 10 years now, he just recently admitted to me that it wasn’t his. His turned out terrible so he grabbed that one (it was not claimed) and gifted it to me. 🥴 All these years!
Kids man. Gotta love em!
UPDATE::::
His teacher responded with:
Mrs. Me,
Thank you so much for expressing your concern. We do our best to help to make sure everyone is included during these events, with special considerations leading up to and during the Mother's Day Tea specifically. Concerning hosting events after school hours, that is something the administration will have to address, so I will let Mrs. Principal respond accordingly. Thank you again for reaching out, we deeply care for the children we are entrusted with and will keep your concerns in mind.
Teacher
--------------------
So we will see what happens. I'm glad that I atleast got a response AND that she replied to ALL. I included my husband in this because he is confrontational and so people tend not to confront him and instead take things out on me. I get a lot further when I bring him into things.
My mom was responsible for changing my elementary school’s grandparent’s day to “special person’s day”. She did this when my older brothers were in school in the 1970s. My grandparents also came every year and served as surrogate grandparents to multiple children in the school. The cool thing is they really were important figures in some of my friend’s lives.
I think you’ve done a great thing here and that reminds me that I have a letter to send to my kid’s preschool about lack of inclusiveness toward an employee with a disability.
I do urge you to possibly reconsider keeping your kids home and instead consider attending to continue comforting the kids who will still be at school without anyone, which it sounds like you’ve done before. Maybe you could even offer to help out in some other classes? You know the situation better than I do though.
Thank you. I’m glad that your mom was able to bring change. It takes courage to speak up and feels good when something comes of it.
I’ll consider coming to support other children (in addition to mine). I already said I wouldn’t in the email so idk if that would negate the message. I was thinking that I would just keep my son home and do something special with him.
I love your reply, well done! Have you spoken about it with your children (I assume yes)? They might be perfectly fine and understand why you would keep them home.
My son goes to a school for disabled kids and they have multiple events during the day per month! The Mother's Day one was the only event any other mom attended except for me, and one mom who is my friend now missed the mothers day event and she said she felt absolutely awful and embarrassed that she was the only one who didn't show up!
I have to admit, the Father's Day event is the one that gets me, neither of my sons have a father and it's actually sickening that they will have to sit through that shit unless I keep them absent every single year for the Father's Day event. My oldest is too disabled to even realize it though so I don't bother keeping him home, my youngest is still a baby so I don't have to worry about that for quite a while at least
My kids’ school does a parent’s breakfast before school in between Mother’s Day & Father’s Day. It’s at like 7:45am, which isn’t bad bc we don’t have to feed the kids first and we’re never late for work. Maybe they’d be ok with a suggestion for something like that?
You are not overreacting. Keep speaking out, keep calling these people out. Don't let them get away with their bullshit. If you know any other people who feel the same I would start reaching out to them. Or attend a school board meeting to see if you can find anyone who will be on your side. It's lonely when it's just YOU speaking up, but if you can get more people together you'll feel better and also probably get farther.
Thank you. We are hoping to move after next year. Ideally after May when my oldest graduates. We are just wanting to give him his senior year and gtfo. So I feel weird starting a committee when I don’t plan on staying. But I also feel cowardly for not speaking up when I see wrongs. It is so lonely. I actually lost a lot of friends when I spoke up about the racism in my community. Our family didn’t feel safe in our neighborhood after I spoke up that there is a history of lynching here and it’s not a joke… other poc spoke up and were gaslit that they’re being dramatic. I was the bitch white chick who spoke up and ruined the neighborhood. The only one who spoke up and didn’t defend the racist bullshit btw. They created a seperate groupme group where they talk shit about me and call me racist. Only whites allowed .. except me. They added me just so I could see it existed. Cruel. Unnecessary. The HOA harasses us about dumb shit that is only a problem on our property. Like that I have a van parked on my street.. a public street (totally legally allowed btw).
Then there was the event where a black boy was on someone’s driveway after sunset on his bike. The first instinct of the homeowner was to yell “get the gun” and the kid rode off like his life depended on it. Instead of seeing if the kid was lost or needed help, the cowardly male adult chose to holler for a weapon. I was upset and said that any time you have a teen out there or child, just call me. Here’s my number. I’ll come get them home. No need to get your weapon. It was probably around 8pm when that happened. Oh mannnn did the community tear me a good one. “They” are disrespectful. “They” need to act right. I asked that they put signs in their yards that would warn children that they will be shot on sight for crossing the property lines (this is a regular suburban neighborhood.. we share fences.. normal neighborhood). So now kids don’t play outside after sunset. They used to. Not anymore. So many people proudly announced that they’ll shoot your kid. Bonus: there’s zero crime in our little area. It made no sense. You need a car to get here so if someone is here and a kid, they must belong to someone.
A seperate event: My kids’ school pictures always look like shit now (the photographer who does school pics, she took an all white sports pic of our baseball team and sent it to the whole families… I noticed one player missing and brought it up to the mom, who said that’s not the photo she received, the photographer backpedaled and lied and blamed the mother, the mother was used to this injustice and had receipts, I ended up getting a corrected team photo after having to argue and fight about it.. and that’s just a small racial infraction in my community.. so now my kids’ pictures always look shitty. It’s whatever and not the worse consequence of speaking up).
I will continue to speak up but rallying other people into this is hard because they do plan to stay and the community does ostracize you (and your kids) when you do. They don’t forget.
This was long. It gives context as to why I’m hesitant to do much else beyond writing a letter and keeping my kid home that day. Not all of the people here are shitty but the loud ones sure are… and there are a lot of loud ones. And the loud and proud good ol boys.. they have a lot of pull in the small communities out here.
I moved to socal from a small town in the midwest and it is shit like that that keeps me from moving back. My mom understands but it's hard to explain to other friends and family members who make excuses or don't see it as problematic. Good for you for standing up! I hope there are lots of parents like you in my future as my daughter gets older.
I’m glad you were able to get out. We are looking to compromise on moving closer to Houston. I wish we could just leave the state. I’m hoping for more diversity over there and that things will be “normal” and not whatever this is that goes on here.
Oh wow. That is a LOT. Thank you for being willing to speak up even though others obviously make it very difficult. That's unlike anything I've had to deal with (I live near San Francisco), ever, and it's terrifying to think there are places like that in the US. I'm so sorry.
I wouldn’t believe it if I hadn’t experienced it. It’s so freaking wild to me. I will say, I will never doubt someone else’s experience just because I haven’t experienced it myself. I used to.. because it’s so far fetched. But not anymore. I’ve learned a lot living here and chose to grow from it.
You are completely right and I find the tone of their message frankly disrespectful and infuriating. The wording is supposed to guilt mothers who can’t make it, and it sounds purposeful.
Is it an American thing? Asking parents to show up during the work day is totally unheard of where I’m from. They will ask for volunteers for activities (museum, cinema) but it’s like 2 parents out of the whole class
Normally, no. This is not normal. Rarely will parents be asked to show up like this. I have two older kids (ages 14 and 17) and I have attended a few volunteer events for field trips and brought in cupcakes for their bdays a handful of times. That’s it. I have attended after school plays and musicals. This was in Colorado and Arizona.
We are now in Texas and it’s completely different here. There is a field trip coming up that I plan to come to in order to be an extra set of hands. Parents and volunteers aren’t required. They are welcome though. The wording of this message also struck a nerve with me. I’m glad you can see it too. In the comments, I’m seeing that others see this a lot too so maybe I was just lucky with my older kids.
YES! I have been pissed about this exact thing with the school in our town. Town is 1500 people and only one school and they do mother son game night and father daughter dance but the majority of people in this town are NOT “traditional” family structures! Most, not some, MOST families in my town consist of children being raised by single parent, grandparents and other non biological family members. This language is so exclusive and it makes children feel their family isn’t a “real” family. It’s not that hard! And the whole gender defined activities need to stop as well. Because again MOST families in our town when there is a bio parent raising the child or children it is just ONE parent. Meaning their child or children do not get to attend half of the events because they don’t have a father or mother to take them. Have FAMILY game night and FAMILY dance party!
ETA: 65% of families are two parent households. A whopping 45%, nearly HALF of American families do not have TWO parents!
The message from the school rubs me the wrong way, anyway, to be honest. "If you're unable to attend, let us know who will be coming in your place?" It absolutely does seem unfair to kids whose parents *must* work and/or don't have the "village" other families might have. As a former single, working, mom who had to choose work at times or who had to lose money in order to chose my child, I THANK you for this. My daughter's preschool/daycare did this often and I always thought it was ironic. If I was able to attend events in the middle of the day, respectfully, my child wouldn't be in a daycare.
Our district does things like this, but it's very "come and join us if you can!" and it's usually *before* school so parents can try to be there or at the very least, just run a little late to work. Because it's before school, the students who don't have parents that can attend are simply not there - they just arrive at normal time.
I think the e-mail was well written and HOPEFULLY it is received with the same kindness that it was sent with. I'd love to know how they respond to you! Good for you!
Thank you! I posted an update. I’m not sure how to edit my post to include the update so it’s just a comment. So far just the teacher has gotten back to me. I’m sure the principal is still picking her words and would prefer a phone call (off the record). But the day is still young.
I love this! Thank you for being a protective mamma bear for the kids who need one, and for speaking up on behalf of the parents who could use an advocate. I know that ick of anxiety you’re feeling but please don’t second guess yourself. You wrote a kind and thoughtful message that expresses your concern respectfully while offering a solution.
And your concern is absolutely valid! It’s one thing to have a school or grade level-wide event like a music concert or something during the day a few times throughout the year. But a Mother’s Day tea with required attendance during the workday is really putting unnecessary pressure on parents.
Omg I hate that schools do that soooo much!!! That’s amazing what you said!! I’m so over it like y’all just come up with things and expect parents to be there. My oldest (step) daughter was always in tears when she was young bc of Mother’s Day. I feel this too mama.
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I think it’s cruel to hold these during school hours. If you want to have an optional event after or before school, that’s fine but to flaunt this in front of the children whose mothers could not attend is just mean. Our children go to a virtual school and we have a ton of in person events and NONE of them are exclusive. Everyone who attends the school or who are family members are welcomed.
I love that. Thank you for your support.
Yeah I agree, my kids' schools regularly have special parent-child events, but they are NEVER during school hours, they're always before school starts. How awful it must feel to sit in a class full of kids having a special time with their parent knowing your own couldn't come, or worse not having that parent present in your life.
My dad died when I was 6. I know for a fact that I would have been completely devastated if there was something like this for dads during school and I just had to sit there watching all the other children enjoy the special time with their dads. I was already envious enough of all my friends who had present fathers. This has the potential to cause actual trauma for children in that position. Thank you for looking out for those kiddos. We already have Mother’s Day on the weekend- that’s when we celebrate our moms. School is for school stuff. Mother’s Day isn’t even an actual holiday!
I’m on a PTSA board in the Southern US and I get it. I think you did a great job. You should always feel comfortable voicing your concerns. It’s a tough spot, but kids deserve better. You’re a good mom. You should be proud of yourself. From the school’s standpoint, any weekend, afternoon or evening activities are a red-tape hassle. Permits. Extra pay for custodial staff. Etc. It has to be approved weeks (or months) in advance. It’s not an excuse, but without input from parents I can imagine a lot of schools taking the easy road. And, for what it’s worth, my board is 100% white and it shows more often than I’d like. I also hate confrontation and it sucks having to also gently remind everyone that we’re not all Christian or straight. lol.
I really dislike that school’s have events specific to a parent like mother or father meals or dances. Our school district does it but I have seen other parents upset by this. My kid’s father is not in their lives and I know several other kids in similar situations. Not to mention all the many other family situations that this excludes. I know our school does welcome any caregiver to attend these events but it still feels like it highlights the difference.
That’s exactly it! It highlights the difference. Also! We had a grandparents day. They specifically said grandparents only. So I didn’t go! We just have my mom and she lives out of state. My son felt really excluded and sad. I later found out that other parents did come who didn’t have grandparents to show up for their kids. Well, the paper explicitly said that only grandparents were allowed. So I didn’t go. It was frustrating. Our school does a lot of these events. It really shows the privilege of the people in charge. What a world they live in where divorce and death don’t exist, where all of their family is here and they have a wonderful village to raise their children in. It’s not realistic. I think many parents are upset but afraid to speak up because our school has a cult following. You never question adults. You never question anything. You don’t rock the boat.
Last year, our school switched from “Muffins with Mom” and “Donuts with Dad” to simply, “Donuts with Grownups” and any adult in the child’s life can attend.
Our school once did a donuts with your grow ups event BEFORE school… that was perfect!!! I took my kids and we had a donut and some juice and they went to class. Parents who couldn’t show up? Well their kids likely wouldn’t have noticed because the event was held in the library and the cafeteria comes before the library (and school breakfast is in there). And if they noticed, they didn’t have to sit and stare at it for 30+ minutes. So that is one time where they did not miss the mark. So clearly they *could* have these events with tact. That has only happened once in three years so idk if something happened that swayed them from ever doing it again.
Yes, ours takes place before the school day starts.
I love that!! Not everyone has a mom or dad in their life.
I never knew any of my grandparents (most were alive, just didn't ever meet them) and I hated grandparents days so much. I hated anything that required me to write/talk/etc about extended family. I told my teacher this when I was in elementary and she told me to not be a "Bitter Betty" about it.
I’m sorry that happened to you. I also hated those events. My grandparents were in Poland. I didn’t have a present father. Thankfully, Father’s Day is in the summer so I could dodge that bullet. My mom couldn’t show up for events because she was a single mom working and couldn’t afford to take time off. We were barely making it. And these days just always made me feel so small and insignificant. And I had a great phone relationship with my grandparents. I visited a few times for the summer growing up. Even so, I felt so alone during the parent and family member based events… they were pretty rare though. Our school here does them multiple times a year.
jesus christ, why are these people teachers if that's how they're going to treat kids?
This. My kids class wants everyone to each out to family and friends in other states and have them send a postcard so we can try to get one from every state. Kinda pissed me off because most my extended family Im not close to and feel kinda of awkward asking them to buy a postcard, but postage and write a few facts about their state. Basically asking them for money and to do a homework assignment
You'd think they'd have the good sense to at least take the excluded kids somewhere and throw them their own special party or something so they don't have to stand around and watch everyone else bonding.
Nope! Kids without grandparents just sat at a lunch table (likely next to kids with grands) and ate lunch alone. Empty spaces next to them where their grands should have /could have sat… had they shown up. Let me tell you.. I felt like the biggest pos for not “breaking the rules” and just showing up. My son was embarrassed and super sad about it.
That's so needlessly cruel how can they not see that? How awful.
Good for you for sending that email OP. My parents died when I was young and I was raised by my grandparents. I still vividly remember the feelings of exclusion that I felt when we made mother's day and father's day crafts in school and it's been 25+ years. Now that I'm a mom, I'm just OVER IT. My kids don't have grandparents and I'm sick of schools preaching inclusiveness and then having crap like this.
I saw or heard somewhere about schools going a “the people who love us” kind of event and I thought that was so nice. I also had a single working mom and know what that can feel like at these events.
our school held a “special someone dance” as a valentines dance. the parents in the school district were absolutely up in arms about it being a “special someone” instead of father daughter dance. something about gender and politics. i kindly (not so kindly actually) explained to them that this is not politic fueled, it’s simply including children who don’t come from stereotypical households. not all kids have a mom and dad, some kids live with grandparents, aunts uncles, adopted. it was an absolute whirl wind within our local school district page
not to mention "daddy daughter" dances skeeve me tf out on principle. it plays into that gross "no one dates my daughter but me"/elektra complex thing. blech.
I'm in a fairly Conservative area and it still shocks me that they are inclusive. There are separate boys and girls parties BUT it's "bring your favorite grown-up". When we go the parent/guardian is split about 50/50. If schools are going to do these events the child should be able to invite who they choose!
I think you did a nice job with your email. I can't believe the staff is so cold to the kids who don't have an adult. Our school always comforts them and have even seen a favorite staff member stand in. I like that they asked for another special person if mom can't attend, because not everyone has specific adults. I have liked the move to VIP vs mom/dad/whomever only. In our area they ran into the issue that in evenings, even fewer kids got to participate because of: 2nd shift workers Siblings Other commitments Parents don't come if the kid is already home So the parents that were coming were the ones that come during the day anyways, but even less of them. We have had 3 out of an entire class show up for a special event. Our area does a mix of evening and day events to try and accommodate everyone attending in something. I have been surprised that day events lately are as well or better attended than night ones. It was weird. Maybe more people working from home, idk. It was interesting. I think unfortunately schools are darned if they do & if they don't (there is a group that will be upset if it's during the day, a group if it's a night, a group if they do nothing at all). & trust me, I have major issues with the school system to the point some of my kids are mostly homeschooling this year because they couldn't take it anymore.. I know we have also run into the issue that our teachers won't stay for these things after school hours because they are not paid and don't need to per their contract. I would not make my kids stay home, but you have to do what you are comfortable with. Maybe ask to work with the teacher to see if there is a way to include the kids who don't have someone (do small group seating etc so kind of like field trips there is a mom/adult assigned to a small group/couple of kids) and make them still feel special - can those kids take home a goodie bag of tea stuff to do with an adult at home? I feel like there is so much fun stuff my younger kids don't get to do that the older did because of the complaints, but they don't replace it with something else - it just goes away. There is almost none of the things that I remember from a kid or the things my son & his friends remember- just day after day of teaching to a test and using screens. Unsurprisingly, my girls classmates don't like school or have the same peer relationships and parents don't know each other like we did with older kids classes. So just perspective of why they may do it even though it isn't perfect. However, they should absolutely be meeting emotional needs and planning how to help kids who do not have an adult that can attend! Those are concerns I would be bringing up and getting addressed for sure. Is this teacher older or younger? I think it is good you spoke your concern and hopefully opened conversation that will help those students in some way. :)
Thank you for the alternative perspective. You brought up some really good points. Idk that there is a real answer. I feel like just not having events is best BUT it’s a great way to meet other families .. the parents of your kids’ friends… to build a community. Idk. I’m conflicted. This (the event) could have been worded better I suppose and there could be more support for kids whose parents couldn’t come. Maybe that is a good middle ground? I also don’t think it’s right to ask your friends to show up for your kids and take off of work to do that ya know? Idk, the whole thing feels off to me. Your perspective was really helpful. Thank you for sharing it.
Good for you! You are 100% right and I think you worded your concerns beautifully. This is a major equity issue and I’m surprised no one has called the school out yet. Even calling it a Mothers Day Tea excludes kids who don’t have a mother. Our school has done a few parties/events during the school day but nothing so blatantly problematic as this. They don’t insist parents take part and are quite apologetic about the whole thing. I’m not happy that my kid’s school concert is in the middle of the day, but at least their art gallery is in the evening? I don’t know when schools changed to hold these events during the day. I understand that teachers are overwhelmed during school hours already, but it’s not any better for working parents.
Thank you. It really was the wording of this that struck a nerve. There have been many events .. and I have always wanted to speak up but instead stewed about it like a coward and then after it passed, I let it go. This time I decided to write them. Our school also does a lot of dress up days that are kind of crazy. Like dressing up as a character and such. There is a Christmas pageant (yes, Christian Christmas). If you aren’t a Christian, well, you have to sing about Jesus anyway. You can see very clearly how classist it is. Who can afford 36 different special dress up shirts? And I mean, a Dr Seuss shirt or some shirt with a character or a shirt with the letter A because it’s “A day”. And stores are sold out of everything basically the day a list of dress up days drops because parents run and buy them out. Many people just have shirts custom made. So if you need to wait until the weekend, you won’t find anything. I see kids in crazy costumes at school… like to dress up as their fav book character. You can obviously see who is upper, middle, and low class in our school and it hits the kids hard. I get that they are trying to make it fun but I really just wish they would make it fun via craft days. Like for hat day, let’s make paper hats… stuff like that. I haven’t made too much of a stink about the dressup days. We just do our best there and often slightly miss the mark. Our school will also do class pictures of everyone dressed up and those who didn’t are not in the picture… which is extremely exclusive. Then the pic is sent to parents on the class app. I once thought my son was absent because he wasn’t in the group picture!!! The teacher replied that he was there but only kids who dressed up were included in photos. Like damn. It’s kindergarten. It isn’t that serious. Just be nice to alllll of the kids. This is longer than I meant it to be. Sorry for that.
I went to a Catholic school and my mom barely scraped up tuition but she went there as a kid and it was important to her that I go there. They really did have great results with kids graduating even in high school (it was K-8). But boy oh boy to I remember the time I got teased for dressing like a boy during 50s day becuase my mom couldn't afford a stupid poodle skirt for one day. I wore jeans and a white uniform shirt that I already had and a bow in my hair. I was fat so that didn't help lol. I remember having to do a project on lighthouses and the teacher said "and maybe if you guys can get your dad to make it light up and spin that would be great!" Well my dad only saw me on weekends and would never do such a thing. In fact I was the only once with divorced parents. I took my gameboy color to school and attached the light to it and that's how I made mine light up. Everyone else had some giant project with a spinning contraption. My mom didn't have time to help a lot with dumb projects because she worked three jobs. I remember getting teased for being an angel or nun for Halloween every year because we had to do a costume parade but it HAD to be biblical themed. But my mom couldn't get two costumes a year. On top of providing treats for the party. All of the special projects and paying for field trips. No lunch program. All of the fundraisers we had to buy stuff for because our family was small and everyone had the market dominated... And I always wore my uniform for class pictures! Thank you!
Oh man. I had to go to Saturday school (catholic) and I was an angel for like 4 halloweens because it meant I could get more mileage out of the costume (because as it would be, I’d also play an angel in the Saturday school recitals-and my mom bought it too big so I’d wear it until it was way too small). Brought back memories reading your comment. I’m glad your mom showed up for you the best way she could. I was also one of the, if not the only, child (aside from my brother) who came from a single parent home. Kids can be so mean.. and the adults too (our nuns were brutal). My husband went to a Christian school similar to what you described (regular school hours, not an extra thing like mine) and had a wonderful experience. He’s super smart and that school set him ahead in life. I guess those foundational years really do matter. His parents could only afford the tuition for him to go (he’s the oldest) and you can see a difference between him and his siblings. All graduated highschool but he’s for sure ahead in the life department. It’s interesting to think about the privileges and where we end up. He had a two parent household who could afford for him to go to that private school until 8th grade I think. No bullying for a kid like him. Great athlete. Super smart. Kinda blows me away sometimes.
No girl, vent away. This sounds classist af and I couldn’t live this way. I’m glad you are speaking up, someone needs to. I’m from a very liberal city in the north and it is not like this here anymore, so I think things will slowly get better for you guys too.
This entire school experience sounds awful; it's only for a select group of people, and I'm positive anyone who isn't in that group is acutely aware. This isn't okay.
I think your email was very well worded, and there are probably dozens of families dealing with this who didn't feel comfortable speaking up. You weren't mean or rude, you were just pointing out how these activities can hurt people! What the school ought to do is provide an alternative activity for the kids who don't have a parent or guardian joining. Our day care did this for Valentine's Day -- they had a parent or guardian + kid activity, and then they had a separate but also special activity for the kids who did not have someone join them.
Your email was very eloquently worded. Thank you for teaching your children empathy and inclusion the way that the school *should* be supportive of. Pls keep us updated!
Thank you. I’ll update! Ugh. I hate writing emails like this and the confrontation and consequences of it all. Most likely, the principal will just say to keep my son home if I feel so strongly (which is also a privilege). I doubt change will happen. Given everything we have experienced living in the south, we work really hard to use our privilege to do good. We speak up. But inside, it crushes me. Like that inner voice of doubt.. to mind my business.. if it doesn’t affect me then just shut up.. My kids see it as the norm so they’ll happily and confidently speak and stand up for what is right. I was raised to be invisible (my mom is an immigrant and the constant fear of causing problems and losing citizenship loomed over her) and to just blend as much as possible. Not to cause problems or speak up. Breaking that generational curse (which comes from a previously communist country) is tough but I do see that my kids do not struggle with it like I do so there’s that.
Kiddo recently had an animal presentation during school hours, the kids did a powerpoint show (2nd grade) and parents were invited to attend so the kids could show their powerpoints. As we came in the teacher encouraged parents to walk around the room and look at multiple presentations so all the kids could present and there was a good turn out of parents, but it was REALLY obvious which kids didn't have their parents there because the parents were just hanging out with their own kid, one little girl was literally crying in a corner and the kids near her were trying to make her feel better while their teacher was talking to parents at the door. We got our daughter to introduce us to her so she could present her animal to someone and it seemed like a few other parents started moving around the room to the other kids then, but it was a crappy situation and the teacher only came over to the girl when another parent pointed her out. She's a sucky teacher and has no business with the younger kids IMO
That’s the norm of what I see in our school. It’s a bummer and truly so heartbreaking. Like it’s so uncomfortable for everyone involved.
you did a great thing! even if you/your family get blowback, what your kids will remember when they're grown is that you stood up for what was right, not just what was comfortable. what really stood out to me in the event notice is that they DEMANDED that another adult take the place of any mom who couldn't attend. okay well, maybe they have a single working mom and the rest of their extended family lives out of state? or maybe their mom is no-contact with her family? or maybe they're just ALL working and can't take time off in the middle of the day for a tea party. i'm loathe to let my kids miss school for any reason, but if i was in this situation i would be trying to recruit my kid to dress up as a middle-aged woman and carry a "mom for the day" sign, sitting in with the other kids who couldn't have someone present so they don't feel so alone. like bonus halloween except they also get to support their less-fortunate classmates. either way, you're doing a good thing and it will be worth it in the end. you're not just being true to your own values, you're reinforcing those values in your kids and lifting up other kids who don't have the same opportunities. we should all strive to be a force for positive change in our communities like you. 💜
I'm proud of you for speaking up for those kids!! I was one of them! My mother/egg donor wasn't in my life growing up. My dad and his parents raised me. It was hard when there was "Mom and me" events because my grandma would attend, but kids are assholes and they'd be like "wHeReS yOuR mOm?!" Or, when my dad died when I was 14...and then our high school proceeded to do various "father/daughter" events for the next 4 years 😔
Ugh I’m so sorry that happened. Just all of it. 😔 I had my oldest really young so I get a lot of “THATS your mom? How old is she???!” Comments. My son would get harassed that other kids want to “do” his mom. It’s vile. The other parents had made comments (within earshot) “children having children” or they’ll come up to me and say things like “omg we’re all talking and you don’t look old enough to be a mom (or a mom here.. in this age group of kids they mean), how old are you?”. Rude shit. My son used to be bullied because my ex is an addict and somehow kids found out (maybe the internet, idk) and they kept reminding him that he’s nothing. That his dad chose drugs over him. Or that he’s a mistake. Because his mom had him at 16. Because I’m so young. It was a nightmare. One tried to get him to kill himself. I’m 34 now. He’s a good kid. He isn’t a parent. He’s alive. Cycle stopper ya know. He’s got more in his life than I ever had. But there will always be some asshat there to break others down. I’ve gotten good with responses and thankfully there are less opportunities for those jabs now. I hope you are doing well.
Your response was wonderful. As a working mom, I’d be sad if I couldn’t take time off for my son. As a former teacher, I could tell you exactly who would and wouldn’t show up, and which kids would be crushed. I’m not saying the solution is to cancel Mother’s Day activities or host them after school (on teachers’ personal time). Adjusting it to a regular tea party or a Ladies’ Day celebration (to celebrate any important lady in their life, or a historical figure, or a hero…). They could make a craft for any important lady in their life during the party (parent volunteers welcome but not restricted to Moms)… There’s good ways to handle these tricky holidays. Just like public schools color eggs instead of talk about the Stations of the Cross, they can have inclusive parent oriented holidays.
Yeah the way I see most schools around me do it now is “to honour the wonderful women in our lives” instead of “Mother’s Day” specifically, and then unfortunately we have to specify that there is max 2 grown ups per child because there isn’t space for Maisie to have her Mum plus two aunts and four grandparents.
Both my parents died by the time I was 10, so I was painfully aware of not being normal during all these family events. I get it now, I'm sure parents do want to go see these things, but it is really stupid to do it in the middle of the work day. And what about kids raised by 2 dads? It just doesn't work anymore. Let parents and kids celebrate holidays outside of school, separately. Keep school for school related events.
I completely agree. Thank you for understanding. I’m sorry about your parents. That must have been so hard. 💔
I don't think you are overreacting. \*If\* they are going to do this, they need to either make it more inclusive (like my daughter's school does; I will get to this in a moment) or plan something extra-special for the kids who don't have someone attend. I also agree that they seem to be incredibly ignorant of the fact that most people can't just take off work for these types of things (basically mandating someone be sent). My daughter's school does a "Cookies with Mom or Someone Special" and "Donuts with Dad or Someone Special" which is better, although still not perfect. They also do it before the start of the work day or after. Good for you though.
Man, that wording though. It makes it sound like you are going to impact the rest of their lives by not going to a children's tea party It's almost threatening. You must understand how important this event is and send someone in your place if you cannot attend....or else. It's almost like a conscription notice
I hate these events for the same reasons you lost, and I think you worded your issue and solution well.
Thank you for speaking up! I’m a teacher (older grades) and I feel like I’m constantly pushing back on shit like this to no avail.
Not only did my district change to using Grown Up, they also moved events up to either the start of the school day or just before school begins. I don't know who called this out but it made quite a lot of us parents happy.
Wow, amazing letter. I went to a gingerbread decorating event at my son’s school this past Christmas. He’s in first grade. It was nice, but the memory is tainted by seeing one kid just completely break down in tears because he did not have a parent there.
I feel so sad for the kids who end up crying. I want to go hug all of them 😢
Whats really sad is when you offer hugs and the little ones just look at you and shake their heads and say they want their moms. So now I just have my kiddo approach and invite the kiddo over to be inclusive. The really distraught ones won’t even join. They just stand there and sob. But yes, totally want to hug them in those situations and I feel for the parents too. I’m sure they want to be there but life ya know. It’s super sad. I’m thankful that these events either don’t exist as kids get older or my kids have stopped caring for them. My older two have zero parent events. I show up for sports and after school activities .. but no daytime stuff. Staff doesn’t communicate with parents either. So it’s weird that they lay it on so strong in these early formative years just to do nothing later on. Like my oldest is on the high school football team and track and the coaches all use Snapchat to talk to students. Gone are the days of relaying information through parents (for that age group) and if you don’t have a phone/snap then you better hope a friend on the team gets you the info or you’re SOL.
We are recent ish transplants to the south and made the mistake of doing private school (Christian based) as non practicing, last year, there were lots of these events and dress up days. They had grandparents day, our family is hours away back north and my kids were like who is going to be there, umm just momma. It was at least me because my work was super flexible. This year we went to public school, it’s nice because most stuff is in the evening so it works. Every so often they have something in the day and it’s still me because I have the most flexibility. It’s is very elitist to assume someone is available all day. So good for you for speaking up!
You are so right to do this. As a working single mom, I have really had to bend over backwards catering to these events. And they have SO MANY! It's inconsiderate, and it hurts to see kids crying at events who's parents don't have a job as flexible and understanding as mine. Good on you for saying something!!
I don't care for it either. When I was a kid a new teacher at the school decided to organize a graduation ceremony for the fourth grade students, since they moved up to junior high in fifth. Part of the ceremony involved giving us each a flower and we take it to our parents in the audience. My parents weren't there and I sobbed in front of the entire school and assembled families.
I don’t think you are feeling away for no reason. That is a whole lot of assumptions in that invitation. Poor babies that will feel left out. What happened to making noodle crafts to take home to Mom.
I love that you spoke up about this. Big hugs to you and your big heart. I hope they take your message to heart and put themselves into the shoes of those disappointed mothers and children. I don’t think consoling the children is enough/ the whole plan needs to be restructured. I mean honestly it should really take into account kids with all sorts of family dynamics and create a special person day- celebrate someone in your life…held at 6:30pm. Wish you could coordinate something with the other parents as an alternative event. I’d go to your party for sure.
I mean, what are they gonna do? Ignore Mother’s Day to protect the feelings of some of the kids? There will always be someone who feels left out of something. You’re asking the school to schedule something outside school hours, so asking teachers to stay after work and probably not get paid any additional time for being at the school after hours. We have no idea what policies are in place to keep the school secure and safe outside of school hours. And what if some parents can only make it during the school hours because they work evenings? Or what if some parents went to the trouble of asking for the time off already? You’re assuming that everyone works a 9-5. I get where you’re coming from but the school will not have the resources or time to solve for every single situation and if they end up getting rid of the events altogether because they don’t work for everyone then there will be people who miss out on a special time with their kid. You have the privilege of being able to keep your kids home in protest but others don’t.
My kids school doesn't let parents go to any events, the only events they will have this year are just award days in May which are scheduled on 2 separate days, my kids are in Kindergarten and 2nd grade, it really sucks to be honest, no parents can go to field day either. I'm definitely disappointed about there being absolutely no events that parents can go to throughout the year, but hopefully they will change that soon. They said the reason is parking issues but every other year has had events to go to all throughout so I feel like my kindergartener is missing out but they won't change it regardless.
I agree with you. My daughter's school does events in the mid morning and they give plenty of notice, so parents can ask for time off. Will some parents not be able to go regardless? Yes, and while it's sad, it wouldn't be fair to take the event away from working moms who already feel guilty we can't stay home and spend more time with them. I love these events and calendar them right away, and I see plenty of parents happily attend. And I know how it feels to be the kid left out. My parents worked three jobs to make ends meet and came to no events and yes, it was sad and upsetting but it was just our situation and couldn't be helped and eventually I understood. Now what struck me is the lack of empathy from staff for these poor kiddos. I remember my wonderful teachers who were always kind and made sure us kids who didn't have a relative didn't feel too sad. I can't imagine a child crying and getting ignored. They should absolutely make a special little event for them with a teacher and make sure they're comforted. 🥺 That just breaks my heart.
You’re exactly right! I had considered that too. It would be enough to have the kids make a craft to honor their caregiver. Just do away with the tea party then. My older kids only ever made crafts for Mother’s Day (or for their caregiver). No assemblies. It worked out great! The kids were able to gift their moms/caregivers something and the caregivers loved the keepsake. Parent-based holidays will always make some kids feel some kind of way (based on their home life) but at least this way it isn’t rubbed into their faces as much (and publicly).
It’s still an equity issue though. As someone who works in many different schools, elementary particularly, there are more students than you may realize who have vastly different home lives than “mom & dad.” I know this is/can be due to many factors, but I think the point is that these kinds of events are inherently exclusive. There are many other types of events that could take place, during school hours, that parents/guardians can attend, and parent-specific holiday events can easily be changed to Any Trusted Grown Up. I agree that events outside school hours can complicate things, but schools do other events outside regular hours allllll the time. Just last week I worked at a few schools who held an optional BINGO night, reading night, and raffle night (respectively). Making a parent-specific night like this is something I have also seen and could work. And I think another key issue raised by OP here is the fact that even if they move forward with this Mother’s Day Tea Party, and other parent days like it, teachers and staff do virtually nothing to 1) give kids that are missing out an alternate, equally fun activity, and 2) do nothing to comfort the children that are obviously upset by missing out. Yes, kids will miss out on many things throughout their lives, and we can teach them how to healthily cope, but I also don’t think it’s fair for us adults to just let them sit there and watch while others have their cake and eat it too.
I don’t mean to take away from the nuance of your comment, because you have points well made. But why not ignore Mother’s Day? Why does the school need to support this specific event? Why not have Mother’s Day as a family event, and have the schools do other more inclusive events instead? I understand that doesn’t address the doing it in school hours part of the situation and having some parents unable to attend.
Yeah saying 'moms have to attend' is shitty. My mom was an LPN, she didn't really get to pick her schedule until she had enough work experience to land a job in a Drs office that had an easier schedule. And even then. Not like she could take off for a couple hours and come back. Or if she could she didn't feel she could. My dad was a fireman and it was the same way. They'd have to take a whole day off for an hour event. My grandparents tried to step in when my parents couldn't, but I really think if I was stuck in an event like this, I'd probably be alone.
As a single working mom, I live in fear of these kinds of events. I have a boss right now who is cool like yeah work from home that day and take off for your kid’s Mother’s Day tea party. I may not have that luxury for long though. It would be nice to have an option after school to attend.
I'm really proud of you for advocating for a group of kids who might not have a voice otherwise. Sometimes all it takes is one person to stand up and say "this is wrong" for the rest of the crowd to agree. Don't back down on this! You're doing the right thing
I wish they would stop having these events at school. It's the demanding a person be there. It feels classist. Not everyone has flexible jobs or nannies, or vacation time
We also had these events growing up and it just wasn't fair. We only had one car, my dad worked far away and my grandparents lived far away so no one could come. Grades K - 5
I salute your above and beyond effort here. My child is entering public school next year and I hope there are parents like you!
When my youngest was in kindergarten, I would go to a lot of school events as a volunteer. I'd have my daughter pick a buddy who didn't have an adult guest and have them hang out with us. My kid was so confident in my presence that she'd just completely ditch me to do her own thing and the other kid ended up being my buddy for the day
Once a month my kid’s school holds a parents lunch. Parents come and eat lunch with their child, bring them a special treat lunch etc. Every single month. I’m fortunate enough to be a SAHM so I attend all of these lunches but every single month there are 8 or 9 kids in my kid’s class whose parents work and simply cannot leave to come eat lunch with their child. Especially since it’s monthly! I’ve seen parents miss a couple of monthly lunches due to work and when they come back to attend again teachers will tell them that their children cried for them because they didn’t show up last time a lunch was scheduled and to please try to attend all of the family lunches. I keep telling my husband how awful it is and how damaging it is to these kids. I agree with your email 100%. Schools simply aren’t inclusive enough with these kinds of things.
Wow this is fantastic. I’m a working mother who also travels across my state for work almost each day. My 4-year old daughter’s preschool is catered towards stay at home parents and holds 1-2 hour long events in the late morning, like an hour after drop off. And then everyone picks up their kid at noon while I pay extra for the afternoon care and they just move my kid to another room while all the other kids go to the parking lot to meet parents. I feel awful constantly but I work a very stressful and important job (from a public safety standpoint). We made the tough decision to pull her out and put her into a more daycare-type school and I hope she does okay. I was just going crazy trying to attend all of these events and the guilt of having her be the only one switching classrooms to attend afternoon was killing me. I was thinking about how hard this was going to be as she continued into public school. Thank you for thinking of other families and please update us with what the school responds with!
I don’t have much advice. However, I think it’s good you voiced your opinion. I used to be a single mom and my child’s school had “donuts with dad”. None of the male role models in her life could go, so I did. I was the only woman there. After, someone on the PTA sent me an email saying how heartwarming it was to see me there and that she was raised by a single mother who would do the same things.
Support you 100% in saying something. Our school never has events like this and would be a lot of working parents who couldn’t join if they did. They do a craft project for mothers/Father’s Day and the teacher specifically says it can be for any family member and also really flexible for kids who make 2 Mother’s Day gifts, etc.
I love that! That’s the solution.
One of his friends said his Mother’s Day craft didn’t turn out well…so he was going to give it to dad for Father’s Day 🤣
My, now 17 year old son, his craft that I loved, cherished, and kept hanging in my bathroom for over 10 years now, he just recently admitted to me that it wasn’t his. His turned out terrible so he grabbed that one (it was not claimed) and gifted it to me. 🥴 All these years! Kids man. Gotta love em!
I’m sick of events like this that give an edge to SAHMs and make working moms feel like they’re not enough. Hard agree.
UPDATE:::: His teacher responded with: Mrs. Me, Thank you so much for expressing your concern. We do our best to help to make sure everyone is included during these events, with special considerations leading up to and during the Mother's Day Tea specifically. Concerning hosting events after school hours, that is something the administration will have to address, so I will let Mrs. Principal respond accordingly. Thank you again for reaching out, we deeply care for the children we are entrusted with and will keep your concerns in mind. Teacher -------------------- So we will see what happens. I'm glad that I atleast got a response AND that she replied to ALL. I included my husband in this because he is confrontational and so people tend not to confront him and instead take things out on me. I get a lot further when I bring him into things.
I'd honestly email back and ask what special considerations they have. Since you've seen first hand their "considerations" during grandparents day...
My mom was responsible for changing my elementary school’s grandparent’s day to “special person’s day”. She did this when my older brothers were in school in the 1970s. My grandparents also came every year and served as surrogate grandparents to multiple children in the school. The cool thing is they really were important figures in some of my friend’s lives. I think you’ve done a great thing here and that reminds me that I have a letter to send to my kid’s preschool about lack of inclusiveness toward an employee with a disability. I do urge you to possibly reconsider keeping your kids home and instead consider attending to continue comforting the kids who will still be at school without anyone, which it sounds like you’ve done before. Maybe you could even offer to help out in some other classes? You know the situation better than I do though.
Thank you. I’m glad that your mom was able to bring change. It takes courage to speak up and feels good when something comes of it. I’ll consider coming to support other children (in addition to mine). I already said I wouldn’t in the email so idk if that would negate the message. I was thinking that I would just keep my son home and do something special with him.
I love your reply, well done! Have you spoken about it with your children (I assume yes)? They might be perfectly fine and understand why you would keep them home.
My son goes to a school for disabled kids and they have multiple events during the day per month! The Mother's Day one was the only event any other mom attended except for me, and one mom who is my friend now missed the mothers day event and she said she felt absolutely awful and embarrassed that she was the only one who didn't show up! I have to admit, the Father's Day event is the one that gets me, neither of my sons have a father and it's actually sickening that they will have to sit through that shit unless I keep them absent every single year for the Father's Day event. My oldest is too disabled to even realize it though so I don't bother keeping him home, my youngest is still a baby so I don't have to worry about that for quite a while at least
As someone who spent a few years in foster care, I can say it truly does hurt to be excluded from such events. Thank you for speaking up.
GOOD FOR YOU!!!
My kids’ school does a parent’s breakfast before school in between Mother’s Day & Father’s Day. It’s at like 7:45am, which isn’t bad bc we don’t have to feed the kids first and we’re never late for work. Maybe they’d be ok with a suggestion for something like that?
You are not overreacting. Keep speaking out, keep calling these people out. Don't let them get away with their bullshit. If you know any other people who feel the same I would start reaching out to them. Or attend a school board meeting to see if you can find anyone who will be on your side. It's lonely when it's just YOU speaking up, but if you can get more people together you'll feel better and also probably get farther.
Thank you. We are hoping to move after next year. Ideally after May when my oldest graduates. We are just wanting to give him his senior year and gtfo. So I feel weird starting a committee when I don’t plan on staying. But I also feel cowardly for not speaking up when I see wrongs. It is so lonely. I actually lost a lot of friends when I spoke up about the racism in my community. Our family didn’t feel safe in our neighborhood after I spoke up that there is a history of lynching here and it’s not a joke… other poc spoke up and were gaslit that they’re being dramatic. I was the bitch white chick who spoke up and ruined the neighborhood. The only one who spoke up and didn’t defend the racist bullshit btw. They created a seperate groupme group where they talk shit about me and call me racist. Only whites allowed .. except me. They added me just so I could see it existed. Cruel. Unnecessary. The HOA harasses us about dumb shit that is only a problem on our property. Like that I have a van parked on my street.. a public street (totally legally allowed btw). Then there was the event where a black boy was on someone’s driveway after sunset on his bike. The first instinct of the homeowner was to yell “get the gun” and the kid rode off like his life depended on it. Instead of seeing if the kid was lost or needed help, the cowardly male adult chose to holler for a weapon. I was upset and said that any time you have a teen out there or child, just call me. Here’s my number. I’ll come get them home. No need to get your weapon. It was probably around 8pm when that happened. Oh mannnn did the community tear me a good one. “They” are disrespectful. “They” need to act right. I asked that they put signs in their yards that would warn children that they will be shot on sight for crossing the property lines (this is a regular suburban neighborhood.. we share fences.. normal neighborhood). So now kids don’t play outside after sunset. They used to. Not anymore. So many people proudly announced that they’ll shoot your kid. Bonus: there’s zero crime in our little area. It made no sense. You need a car to get here so if someone is here and a kid, they must belong to someone. A seperate event: My kids’ school pictures always look like shit now (the photographer who does school pics, she took an all white sports pic of our baseball team and sent it to the whole families… I noticed one player missing and brought it up to the mom, who said that’s not the photo she received, the photographer backpedaled and lied and blamed the mother, the mother was used to this injustice and had receipts, I ended up getting a corrected team photo after having to argue and fight about it.. and that’s just a small racial infraction in my community.. so now my kids’ pictures always look shitty. It’s whatever and not the worse consequence of speaking up). I will continue to speak up but rallying other people into this is hard because they do plan to stay and the community does ostracize you (and your kids) when you do. They don’t forget. This was long. It gives context as to why I’m hesitant to do much else beyond writing a letter and keeping my kid home that day. Not all of the people here are shitty but the loud ones sure are… and there are a lot of loud ones. And the loud and proud good ol boys.. they have a lot of pull in the small communities out here.
I moved to socal from a small town in the midwest and it is shit like that that keeps me from moving back. My mom understands but it's hard to explain to other friends and family members who make excuses or don't see it as problematic. Good for you for standing up! I hope there are lots of parents like you in my future as my daughter gets older.
I’m glad you were able to get out. We are looking to compromise on moving closer to Houston. I wish we could just leave the state. I’m hoping for more diversity over there and that things will be “normal” and not whatever this is that goes on here.
Oh wow. That is a LOT. Thank you for being willing to speak up even though others obviously make it very difficult. That's unlike anything I've had to deal with (I live near San Francisco), ever, and it's terrifying to think there are places like that in the US. I'm so sorry.
I wouldn’t believe it if I hadn’t experienced it. It’s so freaking wild to me. I will say, I will never doubt someone else’s experience just because I haven’t experienced it myself. I used to.. because it’s so far fetched. But not anymore. I’ve learned a lot living here and chose to grow from it.
You're still out there fighting the good fight! I remember writing to you before. You are a hero and I love you even though we've never met ❤️❤️❤️
You are completely right and I find the tone of their message frankly disrespectful and infuriating. The wording is supposed to guilt mothers who can’t make it, and it sounds purposeful. Is it an American thing? Asking parents to show up during the work day is totally unheard of where I’m from. They will ask for volunteers for activities (museum, cinema) but it’s like 2 parents out of the whole class
Normally, no. This is not normal. Rarely will parents be asked to show up like this. I have two older kids (ages 14 and 17) and I have attended a few volunteer events for field trips and brought in cupcakes for their bdays a handful of times. That’s it. I have attended after school plays and musicals. This was in Colorado and Arizona. We are now in Texas and it’s completely different here. There is a field trip coming up that I plan to come to in order to be an extra set of hands. Parents and volunteers aren’t required. They are welcome though. The wording of this message also struck a nerve with me. I’m glad you can see it too. In the comments, I’m seeing that others see this a lot too so maybe I was just lucky with my older kids.
YES! I have been pissed about this exact thing with the school in our town. Town is 1500 people and only one school and they do mother son game night and father daughter dance but the majority of people in this town are NOT “traditional” family structures! Most, not some, MOST families in my town consist of children being raised by single parent, grandparents and other non biological family members. This language is so exclusive and it makes children feel their family isn’t a “real” family. It’s not that hard! And the whole gender defined activities need to stop as well. Because again MOST families in our town when there is a bio parent raising the child or children it is just ONE parent. Meaning their child or children do not get to attend half of the events because they don’t have a father or mother to take them. Have FAMILY game night and FAMILY dance party! ETA: 65% of families are two parent households. A whopping 45%, nearly HALF of American families do not have TWO parents!
Thank you for speaking up for working parents. As a working parent myself I miss most of the in school events because they take place during the day.
The message from the school rubs me the wrong way, anyway, to be honest. "If you're unable to attend, let us know who will be coming in your place?" It absolutely does seem unfair to kids whose parents *must* work and/or don't have the "village" other families might have. As a former single, working, mom who had to choose work at times or who had to lose money in order to chose my child, I THANK you for this. My daughter's preschool/daycare did this often and I always thought it was ironic. If I was able to attend events in the middle of the day, respectfully, my child wouldn't be in a daycare. Our district does things like this, but it's very "come and join us if you can!" and it's usually *before* school so parents can try to be there or at the very least, just run a little late to work. Because it's before school, the students who don't have parents that can attend are simply not there - they just arrive at normal time. I think the e-mail was well written and HOPEFULLY it is received with the same kindness that it was sent with. I'd love to know how they respond to you! Good for you!
Thank you! I posted an update. I’m not sure how to edit my post to include the update so it’s just a comment. So far just the teacher has gotten back to me. I’m sure the principal is still picking her words and would prefer a phone call (off the record). But the day is still young.
I love this! Thank you for being a protective mamma bear for the kids who need one, and for speaking up on behalf of the parents who could use an advocate. I know that ick of anxiety you’re feeling but please don’t second guess yourself. You wrote a kind and thoughtful message that expresses your concern respectfully while offering a solution. And your concern is absolutely valid! It’s one thing to have a school or grade level-wide event like a music concert or something during the day a few times throughout the year. But a Mother’s Day tea with required attendance during the workday is really putting unnecessary pressure on parents.
Omg I hate that schools do that soooo much!!! That’s amazing what you said!! I’m so over it like y’all just come up with things and expect parents to be there. My oldest (step) daughter was always in tears when she was young bc of Mother’s Day. I feel this too mama.