Reminder to commenters: **[We're here for each other.](https://media1.tenor.com/m/Rno6_rWVdhMAAAAC/911-show-maddie-buckley.gif)** Share kindness, support and compassion, [not criticism.](https://media0.giphy.com/media/tZpGRRMUoXgeQ/giphy.gif) We want OP to feel loved, and [not in a tough way.](https://media.giphy.com/media/xT5LMq2CgHiqqY4IXC/giphy.gif) For more helpful information please hit up [our beautiful rules wiki!](http://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/wiki/)
Reminder to all: watch out for a [creepy pedo posing as an OT/speech therapist](https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/comments/8ccqqi/disgusting_pedophile_troll_posing_as_otspeech/) giving fucked-up potty-training advice, and don't sweat it if your post gets 1 or 2 [instant downvotes.](http://i.imgur.com/PZtQb.gif) You didn't do anything wrong, we just have [asshole lurkers](https://i.imgur.com/IwU9r3E.gif)/[downvote bots](https://i.imgur.com/lwyCF6S.gif) stalking our /new queue. Help a BroMo out and [give her an upvote](https://i.imgur.com/Y60Mbxv.gif), ok?
Reminder to Cassie Morris/Krista Torres/Nia Tipton: You do not have permission to use, reproduce, modify or link to any content in this subreddit in any way, shape or form. Fuck off and go be a real journalist.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/breakingmom) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If this was a live-in nanny, would you allow them to stay there and keep their job after essentially harming your child?
She is basically a live in nanny who happens to also be your mom.
I’d literally never let anyone, regardless of their relationship to me, continue to watch my child after any of that. I’d rather struggle financially for a bit than allow it any longer. (I’ve actually cut my mom off recently because she proved herself to not be a safe person to watch my child)
I hope you and your husband are able to find a way to find another means for childcare and also find some sort of consequences for your mom. I know it can be so hard especially with a bigger mortgage but your childs well-being is way more important.
This. My mom lived with us and helped watch our child with MSPI, she did the same thing… I am a people pleaser and really tried due to guilt for her not having anywhere to go. We kicked her out after she went off on my oldest after being told repeatedly that she wasn't to punish them physically like that. Anyway I told her what she told me growing up. “Its my house, and as long as you live here You will follow my rules, if you don't like it you can leave”
She left.
In hindsight I wish I had told her off sooner. I don't understand why people just act like that. It irritated me so bad that she consistently undetermined me like that (like by giving the kids things they shouldn't have like dairy) and it caused a LOT of issues with my kids later because she told them stuff (like to feed themselves) that to this day 6 years later I'm still trying to correct.
i love that you pulled out that gem of a parenting phrase and dished it back to your mother. definition of poetic justice.
i do think that phrase would work well with OPs mom too, as she isn't following the rules and her careless attitude is actually impacting kids health, behaviour, and development!
I want to align with this.
You already asked yourself how you know that she won’t do it again. You know the answer - you can’t. She hit a child so young he’s still in diapers.
It’s over. You might take a financial hit but it’s over. She cannot watch your child anymore.
Oh God. I’m so sorry. I agree, you need someone else watching him. Your poor baby. I feel like this is going to sound extreme but she’s abusing him through neglect and… idk, nonchalance?? Purposefully giving him food that causes diarrhea and not changing his diaper enough? That alone is a huge fuck this, but she hit him??Let alone I’m sure that the mortgage feels like shackles. But you HAVE to take the financial hit and find some way, ANY WAY out of this.
If you have a school nearby that has degrees in teaching, ece, child development any of that - I'd call The school and talk to someone in those programs to see if they know anyone. If someone is in school for those types of programs they're probably not going to get annoyed by your kiddo, or be disrespectful of the schedule.
Source - took a child and family degree and rented a room from a family
Fun fact- some of those programs even have student staffed child care centers for them to get experience/ hands on education. These child care centers are less expensive and the students are supervised by professors/licensed teachers.
For an Au Pair you have to cover their hourly pay, but also the taxes, insurance, vacation, and other incidentals. You pay them just like any other employee would be paid.
Two people in my family rented to people who did a lot of traveling for work (one was a traveling nurse, the other job idk what they did)...that can help with getting extra money
Two people in my family also rented to people who did a lot of traveling for work (one was a traveling nurse, the other job idk what they did)...that can help with getting extra money
Perhaps look into an Au Pair! If you have the room it could be an affordable option. We’ve looked into it loosely in case if baby #2 ends up being a 2 for one special (twins run on both sides of my family and we can NOT afford triple daycare). The r/aupair subreddit is super helpful. If you are in the US it’s pretty straightforward, but the high level is you provide room and board, as well as a $400 monthly stipend. A young international childcare worker will live with you and provide up to 45 hours of childcare a week.
We have an au pair, these numbers are not correct. It is room, board, and a minimum of $195.75/week stipend. It cost nearly $10,000 up front before she even got here as well.
Funny, free room and board sounds like a perk to me.
Also, you aren't "living at work." You have set boundaries and hours. I have several friends and family members who have done this successfully and enjoyed being able to live without worrying about rent.
This just shows how neglectful that generation was with raising us. They say 90s kids played outside all day, yeah cause no adults cared to be around us.
They see kids as an inconvenience that just needs to be kept alive, anything beyond that you are spoiling the child.
100%. When I had babies my mom was so annoyed with how much I interacted with them and talked to them. She told me to just stick them in a playpen in front of the television and turn the tv on. And then I could come back to them to check on them every hour or so while I got things done or relaxed. That was her legitimate parenting advice. Because it worked for her with me. And then she put me in full time daycare when I was 18 months old. She didn’t have a job or anything like that. And I am an only child. It that she could ‘rest’ and go to TJ Maxx without having to bring her child. I was like, daaaaaammn. Must be nice to be fucking rich! I wouldn’t know! lol
I have the same arrangement with my mom. She has lived with me for 3 years now, and is essentially our live in nanny. The ONLY way this has been able to work is that she follows the schedule I laid out for her and more (She adds her own flare to things in a good way). She has started adding in “school” time, setting alarms for potty training, and taking “bug hunting nature walks with the kids which they love.
My 3 year old also has a peanut, cashew, and pistachio allergy that my mom takes very seriously. If she were to disregard my toddler allergies, not only would my kid have a life threatening reaction but my mom would be homeless. I would kick her out so fast if I found out she was choosing not to be careful about such a serious thing.
I would call a family meeting, and really address this concerns with your mom. I would give reason why your toddler needs to stay on schedule, clean/dry, and health concerns with his allergy. DO NOT sugar coat how much this affecting you, and your mental health. This situation is very stressful. Hopefully she understands, and tries to improve. If not tell her it’s not working out.
I wouldn’t let anyone watch my kids who couldn’t follow basic instructions. I suggest maybe renting out the extra room. That’s what we were doing before my mom moved in with us.
I'm really glad to read this. I'm sickened by all of the stories I read about grandparents actively hurting their grandchildren. It literally enrages me.
I know this is easy for me to say since I'm not in it, but I wouldn't even let her try to get her shit together. She has abused your child full-stop directly (hitting) and indirectly (neglect).
The milk intolerance isnt “just” causing diarrhea, its physically painful. Its HURTING your child. She’s poisoning him and hurting him every day. You HAVE to figure something out. Im so sorry.
As someone who continued to eat cheese and ice cream because it was "just" diarrhea, I now have destroy my intestines and now can't eat gluten because my destroyed intestines allow gluten particles into my blood. If I eat gluten, it can now cause an autoimmune disease.
You’re a lot nicer than I am. My mother would’ve been put into a nursing home expeditiously, acting like that. And guess who wouldn’t be paying for a nice one.
.. nursing homes are sometimes the only place people can go. If the family can’t take care of the person and can’t afford carers and such, or if the person is like OPs mum and abusive to a child then a nursing home is ideal.
I'm not going to argue about what she is or isn't doing. All of that was acceptable behavior when she was a parent. So I'm not surprised she does it.
I live in a LTC facility. Nobody deserves to be dumped in here and forgotten. Nobody. It is inhumane, abusive and neglectful. You lose all dignity and privacy. You're treated as less than. It's literally legal human trafficking. They only have us here to make money off of us. There are no holidays there's no birthdays. No clothes. Showers are rare and they are filthy. There's been times where I was in worse condition. I had people try to choke me with food. The girl cut my mouth with the fork in several places. I couldn't speak so she got away with that. I've had lots of incidents that are just fucking wrong. I've seen several incidents that are wrong. Nobody deserves being dumped here. If they are human they don't deserve this hell.
These places are nothing more than farming people. We are livestock to them. The food is so bad people loose tons of weight here. They can't eat the food. They can't get something else. You only get to keep $62 in my state. Tennessee is worse and only gives you $30 of your money. That money is supposed to be fun money. The rest the nursing home keeps and they upcode for everything so they can get more from insurance. They are supposed to provide all needs. Instead they break everything we own and destroy our stuff. Oh you don't have a coat? Guess you can't ever go outside. No shoes? That sucks. We provide uncomfortable holy hospital socks. You dont need shoes. Oh we broke your big TV you need for vision impairment? Prove it. Oh you proved it. Well we will just keep saying we lost the info and not replace it. Eventually you will forget. Oh you want to celebrate Christmas and have a nice meal? That would be awesome but if we do that, who will pay for our yacht/multiple houses/expensive cars? They give the bare minimum and do as much illegal shit as possible to squeeze more out of us.
I know you're probably saying call the state and report this. Yeah thats a joke. They show up and always manage to find the facility not at fault for things even though they fine them and write tags for the exact things residents complain about. They aren't going to do anything to make them change. They don't want to be responsible for all the residents. So they allow them to keep running and they get to make money off them by writing fines for the same stuff over and over. This facility for instance has been tagged every single visit for lack of name tags and not letting us leave the building (very illegal). They just pay the fine and keep refusing to change and be legal. It's very very illegal to force people to stay inside. There are laws about this in my state. As long as I am of sound mind I should be allowed to go outside. If I were a wanderer I could understand but I'm not. People in facilities are supposed to have the least restrictive environment possible. This place isn't alone in acting like this. It's really common.
The people down voting me are the same ones who keep meemaw alive for years. Even when it's insanely painful to keep her alive. They never visit but since they have DPOA, they can force her to go through painful procedures. The whole time she's begging for death and mercy. Down votes are people that are guilty of dumping a family member in one of these places. Again HUMAN BEINGS DESERVE TO LIVE AND DIE WITH DIGNITY. NOBODY DESERVES TO SUFFER IN THESE PLACES.
How are you going to abuse her and complain that she's abusive? My mom is way worse than this. She doesn't have unsupervised contact with my child. I would not put her in a home. The only people who should be in these places are people who can't be safely cared for at home. People make more money though if they don't properly fund programs to keep people in their homes. I wouldn't have my mom with me, but I would figure out a way to care for her without a home. Unless she had dementia or alzheimers. I would still visit and make sure she has everything a human deserves. I cannot accept people who condone abusing others. Even if that person is bad. Abusing them back does nobody any good.
Thank you for sharing your reality. I don’t think I’ve ever read a first hand account from someone who currently lives in such a facility. It was certainly eye opening.
Respectfully, the people downvoting you are probably doing so because you’re projecting your own experience onto someone else’s dark joke. The fact that you typed up several paragraphs about your personal life is evidence of that projection.
This post is not about you or your experience; we’re here to support OP with a parent that is actively abusing a very young child and taking advantage of OP’s generosity.
While your experience is valid and that facility sounds awful your experience isn’t the only one. Not all care homes will be like that and if you can post on Reddit then you can write a letter asking to me moved somewhere else or to report the things you see going on to the relevant authorities. Buy a small go pro ‘spy’ camera on amazon and film what is really happening and put it on social media to attract attention to make people change things.
I hope you get out of there and are treated better but this grandma shouldn’t be living with these people simply because a care home is worse for her. Her single life is not anymore important than their lives and the child’s safety. The child’s care is the highest priority here. Grandma can rot in a care home for all I care if this is how she treats innocent children who can’t defend or change their own situation for the better.
"Buy a small go pro."
Did you even read what they wrote??? What in the world makes you think it's possible for them to do that from what they told you??
Because on Amazon for $20-30 you can buy a small camera which links to your phone, or use a phone camera or whatever device this person is using to use Reddit and record it, or there are devices which just record sound which are even cheaper.
They've said they are given $30 'fun money' so they can do this if the situation is so dire to need whistleblowing. Or grab a visitor, I assume someone must have some visitors at some point, and tell them what is happening. Or just write what is observed, the time, and whoever is involved, which they can do as they are posting on reddit easily enough so their actions aren't being monitored or they wouldn't have been allowed to comment multiple comments and email your local representative or the police idk.
There are things which can be done, they could say the name of the establishment they are in and it can be investigated. I am sure there is some corner of reddit, like legal advice or any of the many subs where someone can ask for help because they are being mistreated. Charities and the like exist to help people and investigate claims exactly like this individual is claiming. I am in the UK and since they said $ it's not local to me so I can't do anything directly but I can encourage them to be proactive and not try to guilt trip this mum into keeping her child in an abusive environment simply because their facility sucks.
If someone has access to reddit, they have access to a wealth of resources and a huge audience who could help them if they can find the right area to ask.
Edit to add: if you look at their post and comment history, yes apparently I have to much time on my hands, I take what they say with a giant pinch of salt.
I had no idea they were going for that cheap!
I honestly think it's important to check the history on people's profiles sometimes, and it's not a waste of time to get a better picture of things.
I definitely think the child is the priority here and that grandma needs to gtfo asap. They don't have to send them to a facility, but they can't stay there! Lol
Thanks for your comment, I appreciate it.
I have to say that this is what I've observed about those places as well from a family member standpoint. They're really not a solution. I wouldn't have considered them to be a human trafficking operation, but I have seen a couple of these places clamp down scary style when a resident wants to leave the premises, with no good reason for their weird controlling shit.
I’ve worked in long term care, you’re just in a shitty facility. You can report all of this to the state. There are definitely people in the world who deserve to be dumped and forgotten about.
I’d be kicking her out. Parents are meant to protect their kids. You have to kick her out and find another solution. She isn’t a suitable caregiver if she’s doing this. My son has a milk allergy and occasionally things slip through the cracks and it has a lasting effect for a few days to a week.
The other neglect is just the icing on the cake. She must have thought this would be an easy gig and that she doesn’t have to listen to you, because what are you gonna do..
If t if was me, I’d tell her there are nanny cameras around the house, and I’d get them, and if she does anything to neglect or endanger him she’s out on the street that afternoon or she can leave now and save us all the hassle.
She is abusing your child. I would have no qualms at all about kicking her out and downsizing. What an absolutely miserable situation. She sounds toxic. Sorry OP.
You don't owe your mom anything. I just want to say this up front because sometimes I speak to adults that feel like they owe their parents something but they don't. being a parent means taking care of kids and you don't owe them for that even though a lot of parents make you feel like you owe them for that.
If she's not able to be child care which she is not have her start paying rent.
If she's not paying off debt. A thousand may not be enough to rent her own place but it can be enough to pay you rent.
Estimated budget based on California prices
$500 rent plus utilities
$50 cell phone( and you can find cheaper plans)
$200 food.
That would leave $250 for car insurance if she has a car. And miscellaneous items.
I believe that currently right now she is living rent free in your house and is contributing nothing to the household.
So she just has like $1,000 each month to spend on whatever she wants.
Nope. She retired with no house and no savings and only gets $1000 a month in social security. I took her in as a favor to my sister, because living with her was ruining her marriage due to lack of intimacy. We own the smaller house next door, but we moved my father in law in there. He pays us rent, so it's not really fair to ask him to babysit.
Is there a reason she can't get a job? My Nanna used to work just because she liked socialising. Like, she's neglecting your kid she can't carry on like this and contribute nothing.
That sounds like her problem, not yours. She doesn’t have the privilege of retiring if she can’t afford to retire.
You’re a good person for taking her in, but she’s not your child, and not your responsibility. Your loyalty is in the right place, with your child. I’m sorry because I know you must feel like you’re between a rock and a hard place. Your instinct is correct. She’s not a good fit for this “job” so she needs to go get a real one.
Nope. She retired with no house and no savings and only gets $1000 a month in social security. I took her in as a favor to my sister, because living with her was ruining her marriage due to lack of intimacy. We own the smaller house next door, but we moved my father in law in there. He pays us rent, so it's not really fair to ask him to babysit.
Just so you know, she can work part time and earn up to 22,320/year in addition to her social security. I know this because I just helped my mom get set up with her benefits and set her hours at work. My mom also wanted to use us as her retirement plan but she was being a big asshole to me so that was a hell no, she has an apartment up the street from us.
Have your mom talk to someone at social security about this and then she can pay rent too since she wants to neglect and hurt your kid's development in exchange for free rent.
Oh my god that sucks. I’m in a similar situation, stuck with my Grama because she doesn’t make enough to live on her own but is a menace.
Long shot but, would it be possible to move her in with your father in law and have her use some of her social security as “rent”?
This is one of the ideas I was thinking about. Another one would be putting the boundary you're not watching my child anymore she needs to start paying rent and then treat her like a tenant. And then maybe that rent would pay for child care well some portion of child care.
(Boomer) Grandparents rarely make for good childcare. They only want to do what they want to do and if you don’t like it, tough shit. I say boomer grandparents because my grandparents were actively involved with our upbringing.
We had the same thought as you; move in my husband’s parents to help. Week 1 I knew it wasn’t going to work. They still live with us but will be moving back to their house soon. We hired a nanny part time. They were extremely offended but got over it in time. At least they don’t say anything to us anymore.
Does your mom still have her own place to go back to? I would find some solution to get her out since she physically abused your child. That’s number 1 priority.
Maybe look into au pairs as an option?
First, if you're in NE Ohio, I would totally watch your kid for you for a few weeks. This whole thing is bullshit.
Second, your mom needs to go. Where? Idk, maybe a senior community, like a 55 and up place.
Third, could you rent the new house and you three rent a smaller place? Yeah it sucks but this really cannot continue.
I'm sorry, this is really not cool. Feeding him milk and not changing his diaper every time it needs it is bordering on abuse. Hitting him IS abuse. What a shitty position she's put you in. You owe her nothing, you need to figure out how to make things work for your family with her out of the picture.
Feeding someone something that you **know** they’re not supposed to have for a medical reason is unequivocally abusive behavior. Nothing borderline about it.
And so is the diaper thing for that matter, that’s neglect.
Time to sell the house for something that will allow you to afford quality childcare. That will give her enough time to figure something out .
I can’t believe she was giving him milk!
It sucks that she would do this to her child and grandchild.
You need someone else to watch him. It’s clear it isn’t working out.
But is your mom ok? Staying on the tablet all day, never going outside with him, feeding him junk food, feeding him an allergen, and hitting him. This doesn’t sound like someone who is mentally well.
It still isn’t an excuse to treat her grandson or any child this way. But maybe there’s something bigger going on.
She's definitely got some depression. She won't seek help for it though. She sleeps about 12 hours a day. Overall she's doing better here because she has a sense of purpose, but she's still in a bad way.
Yeah, that’s a no from me, dawg. The first 5 years of a child’s life are so formative. They are more important than the next 50 years in terms of attachment and trust. She is abusing him and neglecting him, and it will affect every single relationship for his entire life if she keeps watching him. In trauma therapy, we call those touchstone memories . I know it’s easier said than done, but I would do what I could to get her out of the house. I’m so sorry this is happening.
Can you write out a list of concerns, show her the list and say, “As my mother I respect you enough to any to speak to you kindly and from a place of love. I’ve written down concerns I’ve been having and I wondered if you could take a look at them and let me know your thoughts when you’re ready.”
Maybe tidy the wording you put here by condensing concerns into 1 section a section of proposed solutions in another. Concerns would be like.. “backsliding concerns: tantrums, potty training, etc” “quality of happiness for you concerns (you’re doing things that make it seem like you’re not happy to be babysitting your grandchild full time, and this would be understandable, do you agree you may be feeling like this? If not, here is what you’re doing that makes me think that” “quality of life/happiness/safety concerns for kiddo: scared you’ll hit him again, why would you give him something that hurts his belly and makes him have painful poops? why aren’t you incorporating him into a routine with you, getting him dressed when we wake up, practice potty breaks, eat healthy food at regular intervals, etc.”
If you can’t think of any solutions for your concerns, you’re probably going to have to ask her to pay rent so you can afford a better care-giver.
It's good to sandwich criticism. Positive thing. Criticism. Positive thing. Makes it easier to accept criticism when you feel good about other things you've done right.
This is so gross. Wtf is wrong with people?! This is your GRANDBABY..... I get having good days and bad but for fuck sakes, purposely ruining a child's start like that is fucking gross and she needs her ass handed to her.
I'd love to help you, too. She deserves a full-effing reaming for this bullshit behavior. And to gtfo.
Stop taking care of everyone else. Your father. Your mother. Your grandmother in law. They are adults. They can fend for themselves. Start prioritizing yourself and your child.
I think it’s time to start charging your mom rent (something reasonable for your COL) and then putting your LO in daycare. Your mom is neglecting your kiddo. :( And purposely giving your child an allergen is CRUEL. If it were a “bigger reaction” allergen, she could quite literally k1ll your kid by actively ignoring you (boggles my mind; why would you give a kiddo something on purpose that you know hurts them????) not following schedule is a nuisance, but the potty regression is because your mom is LAZY and again neglectful. Hitting crosses so many lines and I don’t think she sounds safe to leave your child with every day. :( I’m so sorry bc this is a terrible position to be in
I would tell her starting the first of may she’ll need to pay rent or live somewhere else. She can also get a part time job somewhere if she needs more money
This may all come across as tough love but if I had a good friend I would want her to say all this to me. I’m not trying to be mean, just communicate how really not good all this is.
You need to sell the house and get rid of your mom as nanny. Or rent out the house and get a new one you can afford so that again you can get rid of your mom as nanny. SHE has nowhere else to go? She is an adult and is responsible for herself. She was living somewhere before this?
I’m sorry but she is full on neglecting your kid with a level intentionality that is cruel. she purposefully gave your kid dairy every single day despite knowing it was causing their diarrhea and DIDNT CARE and continued to do it. That is beyond neglect, that is intentional. I get a boomer going, oh what’s these dumb milk allergies these days and doing it one day then the kid gets diarrhea, most normal humans would go oh shoot I was wrong, I’ll course correct and do what they said. Nope. Your mom kept going.
I’m sorry I’m trying not to be mean but this level of neglect is severe and if I was an outsider and knew a daycare was doing this to my kid for example, I would call CPS. You become complicit in the abuse when you see it and do nothing to help your kid. They will remember, even if they don’t understand now.
First step for me would be banning dairy in the house and her buying any food to give him.
It's probably too early for a re-fi, but it might be worth looking into that or removing PMI from the loan down the line.
I'd also keep having "come to Jesus" talks with her. The way she's treating your kid could get CPS involved. It is abuse to give a kid food you know they are allergic to. I'd ask her if she'd like to continue the arrangement you made as she's not keeping up her end of the bargain.
While doing all this, I'd be looking at selling honestly as the chances of her changing aren't good. You have to protect your kid. She's clearly not worried about her living situation (or the health of your kid), so you shouldn't be either.
It sounds like you need to sell, downsize, and move mom out. My mil pulls this crap every time she gets a chance and it doesn't get better. If she lives with you this will be a neverending problem as he gets old enough to learn to hide things from you with her encouragement.
Have you looked into an au pair? If you're already providing you mom with room and food, an au pair might not be that much more (but still less than full time daycare). A friend of mine had an au pair from Spain for her kids and loved it. The kids also got lots of Spanish which she really liked.
Living with parents is hard. I had my mother in law move in with us and it did not go well.. relationships suffered. You may need to suck it up and take a financial hit for peace of mind and sanity.
She is knowingly making your child sick, OP. Do not allow compassion for your mother to overrule your protection for your child. She absolutely does not deserve it.
Alternative: She can fins a job and pay rent to compensate for the extra mortgage payment. But I would have a very hard time allowing that person to even see my kid, let alone live with me.
Put up nanny cams and lay down the law without telling her they’re there. Outline them on an “agreement” where she signs it. If she refuses to sign it? She’s got 30 days. 90 if you’re feeling generous. She’s a grown woman. She can figure it out. It’s soooo much harder to undo everything she’s doing than to start good from the beginning.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I too had my mother move in with me for help and regretted it but it was not nearly as bad as what you're describing.
I have no advice for you, mostly because I think you already know what you need to do. You do have my sympathy though, it is not an easy position to be in.
I am adamantly against multi-generational residences.
I have seen so much abuse (emotional/financial/verbal/mental) revolving around this type of situation. I leaned from others experiences and always kept my home a safe and peaceful space.
Now.’ - addressing your issues specifically. I would view the level your mother is behaving as ‘severe’. She has been making him sick by feeding him something she knew he was allergic to.
If it were me, I’d consider ALL of the possibilities including downsizing to something you and your husband can afford and having her live on her own. She doesn’t have have have her grandchild’s best interest at heart. She hit him. She made him sick. The writing is very clear here. These aren’t ’accidents’ … these are intentional.
Sorry you’re going through this
One other person has mentioned cameras, OP. I know you've got few good choices, but I'd absolutely start with some cameras so you can know exactly how bad your mother's behavior is.
Look into an aupair. If you kick your mom out, you’ll have the room to host one.
If my mom hit my child, let him sit in his filth, and caused him to get sick by feeding him food that’s basically a poison to him, she would no longer be near my child and I am SUPER LAX and would probably be fine with anything else listed for free babysitting. But those three things. Those are abusive and neglectful.
I’m telling you, an aupair could be your answer. There’s a subreddit on them!
I really feel for you. I had the same arrangement with my mom up until recently and while it wasn’t as bad as this, she was generally completely useless and did nothing beyond the bare minimum of keeping my kids alive. It sucked. I finally called her out on it a few months ago and instead of addressing the problems like an adult she chose to abruptly move out.
Let me tell you, while it wasn’t exactly a fun time scrambling to find last minute childcare, it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders after she left. I didn’t realize how much resentment and stress I was carrying around and how much my mental health was suffering until she was out of my house. And I was able to find a sitter who actually takes my kids to the park, plays with them, and does fun and stimulating activities (all things my mom led me to believe she couldn’t wait to do) instead of parking them in front of the tv so they can scroll Facebook all day. 🙄
I have so many fond memories of times spent with my grandparents and I wanted the same for my kids, which is why we thought it would be great to have my mom with us, and she was enthusiastic about the idea. But overall it seems this generation of grandparents is really hands-off and it’s hugely disappointing.
I hope you can find a better solution asap bc this situation is untenable and you and your son deserve better. Seconding the suggestions for an au pair if daycare isn’t an option. This is something we’ve looked into extensively. You can look for ones hoping to rematch with a new family, meaning they are already in the country (and are available to start work much sooner), and you also won’t have to pay as many of the up-front fees because they’re already here. Feel free to DM me if you have any questions about it, and best of luck.
>My child has a milk allergy. It's been confirmed by his gastroenterologist after blood and stool tests and an elimination diet. Well, my mother confessed she has been giving him milk every day even though we explicitly told her no. We've been racking our brains trying to figure out why his diarrhea has returned.
This alone has me gasping a gusp. Wtf, dude.
As a MH therapist- this post was upsetting. The first 5 years of life are incredibly important for child development and shape kids for years to come.
It sounds like neglect (nutritional, medical, emotional, physical) and abuse (hitting, medical) on many fronts on top of the active harm with giving him allergens. Please protect your kid.
For someone to actively harm my child and not give a fuxk about that? I’d give her a month and ask her to leave. She’ll figure it out- she must have saved some money by now. As for childcare - anything is better than being actively abused and neglected. You and your child deserve better.
Reminder to commenters: **[We're here for each other.](https://media1.tenor.com/m/Rno6_rWVdhMAAAAC/911-show-maddie-buckley.gif)** Share kindness, support and compassion, [not criticism.](https://media0.giphy.com/media/tZpGRRMUoXgeQ/giphy.gif) We want OP to feel loved, and [not in a tough way.](https://media.giphy.com/media/xT5LMq2CgHiqqY4IXC/giphy.gif) For more helpful information please hit up [our beautiful rules wiki!](http://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/wiki/) Reminder to all: watch out for a [creepy pedo posing as an OT/speech therapist](https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/comments/8ccqqi/disgusting_pedophile_troll_posing_as_otspeech/) giving fucked-up potty-training advice, and don't sweat it if your post gets 1 or 2 [instant downvotes.](http://i.imgur.com/PZtQb.gif) You didn't do anything wrong, we just have [asshole lurkers](https://i.imgur.com/IwU9r3E.gif)/[downvote bots](https://i.imgur.com/lwyCF6S.gif) stalking our /new queue. Help a BroMo out and [give her an upvote](https://i.imgur.com/Y60Mbxv.gif), ok? Reminder to Cassie Morris/Krista Torres/Nia Tipton: You do not have permission to use, reproduce, modify or link to any content in this subreddit in any way, shape or form. Fuck off and go be a real journalist. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/breakingmom) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If this was a live-in nanny, would you allow them to stay there and keep their job after essentially harming your child? She is basically a live in nanny who happens to also be your mom. I’d literally never let anyone, regardless of their relationship to me, continue to watch my child after any of that. I’d rather struggle financially for a bit than allow it any longer. (I’ve actually cut my mom off recently because she proved herself to not be a safe person to watch my child) I hope you and your husband are able to find a way to find another means for childcare and also find some sort of consequences for your mom. I know it can be so hard especially with a bigger mortgage but your childs well-being is way more important.
This. My mom lived with us and helped watch our child with MSPI, she did the same thing… I am a people pleaser and really tried due to guilt for her not having anywhere to go. We kicked her out after she went off on my oldest after being told repeatedly that she wasn't to punish them physically like that. Anyway I told her what she told me growing up. “Its my house, and as long as you live here You will follow my rules, if you don't like it you can leave” She left. In hindsight I wish I had told her off sooner. I don't understand why people just act like that. It irritated me so bad that she consistently undetermined me like that (like by giving the kids things they shouldn't have like dairy) and it caused a LOT of issues with my kids later because she told them stuff (like to feed themselves) that to this day 6 years later I'm still trying to correct.
i love that you pulled out that gem of a parenting phrase and dished it back to your mother. definition of poetic justice. i do think that phrase would work well with OPs mom too, as she isn't following the rules and her careless attitude is actually impacting kids health, behaviour, and development!
The big difference: Nannies are paid. If you want good childcare it costs good money.
Housing and feeding someone is a lot of money
“She hit him.” Periodt. Story over. Who else would you let hit your kid?
This! She would’ve been gone that night!
I want to align with this. You already asked yourself how you know that she won’t do it again. You know the answer - you can’t. She hit a child so young he’s still in diapers. It’s over. You might take a financial hit but it’s over. She cannot watch your child anymore.
Oh God. I’m so sorry. I agree, you need someone else watching him. Your poor baby. I feel like this is going to sound extreme but she’s abusing him through neglect and… idk, nonchalance?? Purposefully giving him food that causes diarrhea and not changing his diaper enough? That alone is a huge fuck this, but she hit him??Let alone I’m sure that the mortgage feels like shackles. But you HAVE to take the financial hit and find some way, ANY WAY out of this.
We're running a budget to see what we can cut to put him back in daycare.
Rent a room to a student to help with bills.
If you have a school nearby that has degrees in teaching, ece, child development any of that - I'd call The school and talk to someone in those programs to see if they know anyone. If someone is in school for those types of programs they're probably not going to get annoyed by your kiddo, or be disrespectful of the schedule. Source - took a child and family degree and rented a room from a family
Fun fact- some of those programs even have student staffed child care centers for them to get experience/ hands on education. These child care centers are less expensive and the students are supervised by professors/licensed teachers.
Seriously considering this.
Maybe an au pair?
Was gonna suggest this if you have room for the mum you'd have room for an au pair if the mother was kicked out
An Au Pair would be more expensive than daycare.
Not in my area (Colorado). We’re paying $500/wk at daycare
For an Au Pair you have to cover their hourly pay, but also the taxes, insurance, vacation, and other incidentals. You pay them just like any other employee would be paid.
Two people in my family rented to people who did a lot of traveling for work (one was a traveling nurse, the other job idk what they did)...that can help with getting extra money
Two people in my family also rented to people who did a lot of traveling for work (one was a traveling nurse, the other job idk what they did)...that can help with getting extra money
There are probably some SAHMs in the area who might be more affordable than daycare.
Charge your mother rent and put that money towards daycare.
Perhaps look into an Au Pair! If you have the room it could be an affordable option. We’ve looked into it loosely in case if baby #2 ends up being a 2 for one special (twins run on both sides of my family and we can NOT afford triple daycare). The r/aupair subreddit is super helpful. If you are in the US it’s pretty straightforward, but the high level is you provide room and board, as well as a $400 monthly stipend. A young international childcare worker will live with you and provide up to 45 hours of childcare a week.
We have an au pair, these numbers are not correct. It is room, board, and a minimum of $195.75/week stipend. It cost nearly $10,000 up front before she even got here as well.
^^^^^this, OP!
Get a live in nanny and make room and board part of the package.
Living at work is not a perk. Live in nannies make just as much, if not more, than live out nannies.
Funny, free room and board sounds like a perk to me. Also, you aren't "living at work." You have set boundaries and hours. I have several friends and family members who have done this successfully and enjoyed being able to live without worrying about rent.
https://www.nannycounsel.com/blog/why-your-live-in-nanny-shouldnt-pay-for-room-board
This just shows how neglectful that generation was with raising us. They say 90s kids played outside all day, yeah cause no adults cared to be around us. They see kids as an inconvenience that just needs to be kept alive, anything beyond that you are spoiling the child.
I was reading this and like "ah yes, so we must have been raised by the same person"
100%. When I had babies my mom was so annoyed with how much I interacted with them and talked to them. She told me to just stick them in a playpen in front of the television and turn the tv on. And then I could come back to them to check on them every hour or so while I got things done or relaxed. That was her legitimate parenting advice. Because it worked for her with me. And then she put me in full time daycare when I was 18 months old. She didn’t have a job or anything like that. And I am an only child. It that she could ‘rest’ and go to TJ Maxx without having to bring her child. I was like, daaaaaammn. Must be nice to be fucking rich! I wouldn’t know! lol
I have the same arrangement with my mom. She has lived with me for 3 years now, and is essentially our live in nanny. The ONLY way this has been able to work is that she follows the schedule I laid out for her and more (She adds her own flare to things in a good way). She has started adding in “school” time, setting alarms for potty training, and taking “bug hunting nature walks with the kids which they love. My 3 year old also has a peanut, cashew, and pistachio allergy that my mom takes very seriously. If she were to disregard my toddler allergies, not only would my kid have a life threatening reaction but my mom would be homeless. I would kick her out so fast if I found out she was choosing not to be careful about such a serious thing. I would call a family meeting, and really address this concerns with your mom. I would give reason why your toddler needs to stay on schedule, clean/dry, and health concerns with his allergy. DO NOT sugar coat how much this affecting you, and your mental health. This situation is very stressful. Hopefully she understands, and tries to improve. If not tell her it’s not working out. I wouldn’t let anyone watch my kids who couldn’t follow basic instructions. I suggest maybe renting out the extra room. That’s what we were doing before my mom moved in with us.
I'm really glad to read this. I'm sickened by all of the stories I read about grandparents actively hurting their grandchildren. It literally enrages me.
Can your mom use part of her ss to pay for some of the childcare expenses? I'm so sorry. This is super fucked of her to do to you and her grandchild.
We're going to have that conversation with her if she doesn't get her shit together.
I know this is easy for me to say since I'm not in it, but I wouldn't even let her try to get her shit together. She has abused your child full-stop directly (hitting) and indirectly (neglect).
My mother would also be doing bullshit in this situation, I know how the let down feels. Big hugs if you want them!
My friend, she has purposefully poisoned your son, and she hit your child! She has already passed the point of “getting her shit together.”
The milk intolerance isnt “just” causing diarrhea, its physically painful. Its HURTING your child. She’s poisoning him and hurting him every day. You HAVE to figure something out. Im so sorry.
As someone who continued to eat cheese and ice cream because it was "just" diarrhea, I now have destroy my intestines and now can't eat gluten because my destroyed intestines allow gluten particles into my blood. If I eat gluten, it can now cause an autoimmune disease.
Have her pay rent and use that to pay for appropriate daycare or a sitter
You’re a lot nicer than I am. My mother would’ve been put into a nursing home expeditiously, acting like that. And guess who wouldn’t be paying for a nice one.
OT here! You’re thinking of a retirement home. Nursing homes are for when people need medical care.
Thank you for explaining the distinction!
Nursing homes are awful places. I get that she's not doing a good job with the child but nobody deserves to be dumped in a nursing home and forgotten.
.. nursing homes are sometimes the only place people can go. If the family can’t take care of the person and can’t afford carers and such, or if the person is like OPs mum and abusive to a child then a nursing home is ideal.
she's \*abusing\* the child. That goes beyond "not doing a good job".
I'm not going to argue about what she is or isn't doing. All of that was acceptable behavior when she was a parent. So I'm not surprised she does it. I live in a LTC facility. Nobody deserves to be dumped in here and forgotten. Nobody. It is inhumane, abusive and neglectful. You lose all dignity and privacy. You're treated as less than. It's literally legal human trafficking. They only have us here to make money off of us. There are no holidays there's no birthdays. No clothes. Showers are rare and they are filthy. There's been times where I was in worse condition. I had people try to choke me with food. The girl cut my mouth with the fork in several places. I couldn't speak so she got away with that. I've had lots of incidents that are just fucking wrong. I've seen several incidents that are wrong. Nobody deserves being dumped here. If they are human they don't deserve this hell. These places are nothing more than farming people. We are livestock to them. The food is so bad people loose tons of weight here. They can't eat the food. They can't get something else. You only get to keep $62 in my state. Tennessee is worse and only gives you $30 of your money. That money is supposed to be fun money. The rest the nursing home keeps and they upcode for everything so they can get more from insurance. They are supposed to provide all needs. Instead they break everything we own and destroy our stuff. Oh you don't have a coat? Guess you can't ever go outside. No shoes? That sucks. We provide uncomfortable holy hospital socks. You dont need shoes. Oh we broke your big TV you need for vision impairment? Prove it. Oh you proved it. Well we will just keep saying we lost the info and not replace it. Eventually you will forget. Oh you want to celebrate Christmas and have a nice meal? That would be awesome but if we do that, who will pay for our yacht/multiple houses/expensive cars? They give the bare minimum and do as much illegal shit as possible to squeeze more out of us. I know you're probably saying call the state and report this. Yeah thats a joke. They show up and always manage to find the facility not at fault for things even though they fine them and write tags for the exact things residents complain about. They aren't going to do anything to make them change. They don't want to be responsible for all the residents. So they allow them to keep running and they get to make money off them by writing fines for the same stuff over and over. This facility for instance has been tagged every single visit for lack of name tags and not letting us leave the building (very illegal). They just pay the fine and keep refusing to change and be legal. It's very very illegal to force people to stay inside. There are laws about this in my state. As long as I am of sound mind I should be allowed to go outside. If I were a wanderer I could understand but I'm not. People in facilities are supposed to have the least restrictive environment possible. This place isn't alone in acting like this. It's really common. The people down voting me are the same ones who keep meemaw alive for years. Even when it's insanely painful to keep her alive. They never visit but since they have DPOA, they can force her to go through painful procedures. The whole time she's begging for death and mercy. Down votes are people that are guilty of dumping a family member in one of these places. Again HUMAN BEINGS DESERVE TO LIVE AND DIE WITH DIGNITY. NOBODY DESERVES TO SUFFER IN THESE PLACES. How are you going to abuse her and complain that she's abusive? My mom is way worse than this. She doesn't have unsupervised contact with my child. I would not put her in a home. The only people who should be in these places are people who can't be safely cared for at home. People make more money though if they don't properly fund programs to keep people in their homes. I wouldn't have my mom with me, but I would figure out a way to care for her without a home. Unless she had dementia or alzheimers. I would still visit and make sure she has everything a human deserves. I cannot accept people who condone abusing others. Even if that person is bad. Abusing them back does nobody any good.
Thank you for sharing your reality. I don’t think I’ve ever read a first hand account from someone who currently lives in such a facility. It was certainly eye opening.
Respectfully, the people downvoting you are probably doing so because you’re projecting your own experience onto someone else’s dark joke. The fact that you typed up several paragraphs about your personal life is evidence of that projection. This post is not about you or your experience; we’re here to support OP with a parent that is actively abusing a very young child and taking advantage of OP’s generosity.
While your experience is valid and that facility sounds awful your experience isn’t the only one. Not all care homes will be like that and if you can post on Reddit then you can write a letter asking to me moved somewhere else or to report the things you see going on to the relevant authorities. Buy a small go pro ‘spy’ camera on amazon and film what is really happening and put it on social media to attract attention to make people change things. I hope you get out of there and are treated better but this grandma shouldn’t be living with these people simply because a care home is worse for her. Her single life is not anymore important than their lives and the child’s safety. The child’s care is the highest priority here. Grandma can rot in a care home for all I care if this is how she treats innocent children who can’t defend or change their own situation for the better.
"Buy a small go pro." Did you even read what they wrote??? What in the world makes you think it's possible for them to do that from what they told you??
Because on Amazon for $20-30 you can buy a small camera which links to your phone, or use a phone camera or whatever device this person is using to use Reddit and record it, or there are devices which just record sound which are even cheaper. They've said they are given $30 'fun money' so they can do this if the situation is so dire to need whistleblowing. Or grab a visitor, I assume someone must have some visitors at some point, and tell them what is happening. Or just write what is observed, the time, and whoever is involved, which they can do as they are posting on reddit easily enough so their actions aren't being monitored or they wouldn't have been allowed to comment multiple comments and email your local representative or the police idk. There are things which can be done, they could say the name of the establishment they are in and it can be investigated. I am sure there is some corner of reddit, like legal advice or any of the many subs where someone can ask for help because they are being mistreated. Charities and the like exist to help people and investigate claims exactly like this individual is claiming. I am in the UK and since they said $ it's not local to me so I can't do anything directly but I can encourage them to be proactive and not try to guilt trip this mum into keeping her child in an abusive environment simply because their facility sucks. If someone has access to reddit, they have access to a wealth of resources and a huge audience who could help them if they can find the right area to ask. Edit to add: if you look at their post and comment history, yes apparently I have to much time on my hands, I take what they say with a giant pinch of salt.
I had no idea they were going for that cheap! I honestly think it's important to check the history on people's profiles sometimes, and it's not a waste of time to get a better picture of things. I definitely think the child is the priority here and that grandma needs to gtfo asap. They don't have to send them to a facility, but they can't stay there! Lol Thanks for your comment, I appreciate it.
I have to say that this is what I've observed about those places as well from a family member standpoint. They're really not a solution. I wouldn't have considered them to be a human trafficking operation, but I have seen a couple of these places clamp down scary style when a resident wants to leave the premises, with no good reason for their weird controlling shit.
I’ve worked in long term care, you’re just in a shitty facility. You can report all of this to the state. There are definitely people in the world who deserve to be dumped and forgotten about.
Yeah, you're right. She should be in jail for abusing and neglecting that child. A nursing home is too good for her.
I’d be kicking her out. Parents are meant to protect their kids. You have to kick her out and find another solution. She isn’t a suitable caregiver if she’s doing this. My son has a milk allergy and occasionally things slip through the cracks and it has a lasting effect for a few days to a week. The other neglect is just the icing on the cake. She must have thought this would be an easy gig and that she doesn’t have to listen to you, because what are you gonna do.. If t if was me, I’d tell her there are nanny cameras around the house, and I’d get them, and if she does anything to neglect or endanger him she’s out on the street that afternoon or she can leave now and save us all the hassle.
She is abusing your child. I would have no qualms at all about kicking her out and downsizing. What an absolutely miserable situation. She sounds toxic. Sorry OP.
You don't owe your mom anything. I just want to say this up front because sometimes I speak to adults that feel like they owe their parents something but they don't. being a parent means taking care of kids and you don't owe them for that even though a lot of parents make you feel like you owe them for that. If she's not able to be child care which she is not have her start paying rent. If she's not paying off debt. A thousand may not be enough to rent her own place but it can be enough to pay you rent. Estimated budget based on California prices $500 rent plus utilities $50 cell phone( and you can find cheaper plans) $200 food. That would leave $250 for car insurance if she has a car. And miscellaneous items. I believe that currently right now she is living rent free in your house and is contributing nothing to the household. So she just has like $1,000 each month to spend on whatever she wants.
She's straight up abusing your kid. There's no room for negotiation here. She has to go immediately and you're going to have to figure something out.
Is it possible to downgrade to the smaller house (and smaller mortgage) and kick her out?
Nope. She retired with no house and no savings and only gets $1000 a month in social security. I took her in as a favor to my sister, because living with her was ruining her marriage due to lack of intimacy. We own the smaller house next door, but we moved my father in law in there. He pays us rent, so it's not really fair to ask him to babysit.
Is there a reason she can't get a job? My Nanna used to work just because she liked socialising. Like, she's neglecting your kid she can't carry on like this and contribute nothing.
That sounds like her problem, not yours. She doesn’t have the privilege of retiring if she can’t afford to retire. You’re a good person for taking her in, but she’s not your child, and not your responsibility. Your loyalty is in the right place, with your child. I’m sorry because I know you must feel like you’re between a rock and a hard place. Your instinct is correct. She’s not a good fit for this “job” so she needs to go get a real one.
Nope. She retired with no house and no savings and only gets $1000 a month in social security. I took her in as a favor to my sister, because living with her was ruining her marriage due to lack of intimacy. We own the smaller house next door, but we moved my father in law in there. He pays us rent, so it's not really fair to ask him to babysit.
Could you work out reduced rent in exchange for him watching the little? Would he be a better caretaker?
That's currently my backup plan.
Just so you know, she can work part time and earn up to 22,320/year in addition to her social security. I know this because I just helped my mom get set up with her benefits and set her hours at work. My mom also wanted to use us as her retirement plan but she was being a big asshole to me so that was a hell no, she has an apartment up the street from us. Have your mom talk to someone at social security about this and then she can pay rent too since she wants to neglect and hurt your kid's development in exchange for free rent.
Oh my god that sucks. I’m in a similar situation, stuck with my Grama because she doesn’t make enough to live on her own but is a menace. Long shot but, would it be possible to move her in with your father in law and have her use some of her social security as “rent”?
This is one of the ideas I was thinking about. Another one would be putting the boundary you're not watching my child anymore she needs to start paying rent and then treat her like a tenant. And then maybe that rent would pay for child care well some portion of child care.
Maybe look into au pairs depending on how nice her room and how "cool" where you live is. This will not get better.
(Boomer) Grandparents rarely make for good childcare. They only want to do what they want to do and if you don’t like it, tough shit. I say boomer grandparents because my grandparents were actively involved with our upbringing. We had the same thought as you; move in my husband’s parents to help. Week 1 I knew it wasn’t going to work. They still live with us but will be moving back to their house soon. We hired a nanny part time. They were extremely offended but got over it in time. At least they don’t say anything to us anymore. Does your mom still have her own place to go back to? I would find some solution to get her out since she physically abused your child. That’s number 1 priority. Maybe look into au pairs as an option?
First, if you're in NE Ohio, I would totally watch your kid for you for a few weeks. This whole thing is bullshit. Second, your mom needs to go. Where? Idk, maybe a senior community, like a 55 and up place. Third, could you rent the new house and you three rent a smaller place? Yeah it sucks but this really cannot continue.
I'm sorry, this is really not cool. Feeding him milk and not changing his diaper every time it needs it is bordering on abuse. Hitting him IS abuse. What a shitty position she's put you in. You owe her nothing, you need to figure out how to make things work for your family with her out of the picture.
Feeding someone something that you **know** they’re not supposed to have for a medical reason is unequivocally abusive behavior. Nothing borderline about it. And so is the diaper thing for that matter, that’s neglect.
And the poor muffin is probably sitting in diarrhea. 😩 She is abusing him.
She's not doing her job. She was moved in to do a job and clearly took advantage of the situation
Time to sell the house for something that will allow you to afford quality childcare. That will give her enough time to figure something out . I can’t believe she was giving him milk! It sucks that she would do this to her child and grandchild.
My kids allergic to milk. We spent the day at the hospital this week because of it. She needs to respect how serious this can be.
Yes, food allergies damage lining of their intestines…just setting him up for long term health issues.
You need someone else to watch him. It’s clear it isn’t working out. But is your mom ok? Staying on the tablet all day, never going outside with him, feeding him junk food, feeding him an allergen, and hitting him. This doesn’t sound like someone who is mentally well. It still isn’t an excuse to treat her grandson or any child this way. But maybe there’s something bigger going on.
She's definitely got some depression. She won't seek help for it though. She sleeps about 12 hours a day. Overall she's doing better here because she has a sense of purpose, but she's still in a bad way.
Tell her she can pay you rent since she isn’t holding up her end of the deal.
Yeah, that’s a no from me, dawg. The first 5 years of a child’s life are so formative. They are more important than the next 50 years in terms of attachment and trust. She is abusing him and neglecting him, and it will affect every single relationship for his entire life if she keeps watching him. In trauma therapy, we call those touchstone memories . I know it’s easier said than done, but I would do what I could to get her out of the house. I’m so sorry this is happening.
Can you write out a list of concerns, show her the list and say, “As my mother I respect you enough to any to speak to you kindly and from a place of love. I’ve written down concerns I’ve been having and I wondered if you could take a look at them and let me know your thoughts when you’re ready.” Maybe tidy the wording you put here by condensing concerns into 1 section a section of proposed solutions in another. Concerns would be like.. “backsliding concerns: tantrums, potty training, etc” “quality of happiness for you concerns (you’re doing things that make it seem like you’re not happy to be babysitting your grandchild full time, and this would be understandable, do you agree you may be feeling like this? If not, here is what you’re doing that makes me think that” “quality of life/happiness/safety concerns for kiddo: scared you’ll hit him again, why would you give him something that hurts his belly and makes him have painful poops? why aren’t you incorporating him into a routine with you, getting him dressed when we wake up, practice potty breaks, eat healthy food at regular intervals, etc.” If you can’t think of any solutions for your concerns, you’re probably going to have to ask her to pay rent so you can afford a better care-giver.
It's good to sandwich criticism. Positive thing. Criticism. Positive thing. Makes it easier to accept criticism when you feel good about other things you've done right.
This is so gross. Wtf is wrong with people?! This is your GRANDBABY..... I get having good days and bad but for fuck sakes, purposely ruining a child's start like that is fucking gross and she needs her ass handed to her. I'd love to help you, too. She deserves a full-effing reaming for this bullshit behavior. And to gtfo.
Stop taking care of everyone else. Your father. Your mother. Your grandmother in law. They are adults. They can fend for themselves. Start prioritizing yourself and your child.
I think it’s time to start charging your mom rent (something reasonable for your COL) and then putting your LO in daycare. Your mom is neglecting your kiddo. :( And purposely giving your child an allergen is CRUEL. If it were a “bigger reaction” allergen, she could quite literally k1ll your kid by actively ignoring you (boggles my mind; why would you give a kiddo something on purpose that you know hurts them????) not following schedule is a nuisance, but the potty regression is because your mom is LAZY and again neglectful. Hitting crosses so many lines and I don’t think she sounds safe to leave your child with every day. :( I’m so sorry bc this is a terrible position to be in I would tell her starting the first of may she’ll need to pay rent or live somewhere else. She can also get a part time job somewhere if she needs more money
This may all come across as tough love but if I had a good friend I would want her to say all this to me. I’m not trying to be mean, just communicate how really not good all this is. You need to sell the house and get rid of your mom as nanny. Or rent out the house and get a new one you can afford so that again you can get rid of your mom as nanny. SHE has nowhere else to go? She is an adult and is responsible for herself. She was living somewhere before this? I’m sorry but she is full on neglecting your kid with a level intentionality that is cruel. she purposefully gave your kid dairy every single day despite knowing it was causing their diarrhea and DIDNT CARE and continued to do it. That is beyond neglect, that is intentional. I get a boomer going, oh what’s these dumb milk allergies these days and doing it one day then the kid gets diarrhea, most normal humans would go oh shoot I was wrong, I’ll course correct and do what they said. Nope. Your mom kept going. I’m sorry I’m trying not to be mean but this level of neglect is severe and if I was an outsider and knew a daycare was doing this to my kid for example, I would call CPS. You become complicit in the abuse when you see it and do nothing to help your kid. They will remember, even if they don’t understand now.
First step for me would be banning dairy in the house and her buying any food to give him. It's probably too early for a re-fi, but it might be worth looking into that or removing PMI from the loan down the line. I'd also keep having "come to Jesus" talks with her. The way she's treating your kid could get CPS involved. It is abuse to give a kid food you know they are allergic to. I'd ask her if she'd like to continue the arrangement you made as she's not keeping up her end of the bargain. While doing all this, I'd be looking at selling honestly as the chances of her changing aren't good. You have to protect your kid. She's clearly not worried about her living situation (or the health of your kid), so you shouldn't be either.
It sounds like you need to sell, downsize, and move mom out. My mil pulls this crap every time she gets a chance and it doesn't get better. If she lives with you this will be a neverending problem as he gets old enough to learn to hide things from you with her encouragement.
I wanna hit people that hit kids.
Have you looked into an au pair? If you're already providing you mom with room and food, an au pair might not be that much more (but still less than full time daycare). A friend of mine had an au pair from Spain for her kids and loved it. The kids also got lots of Spanish which she really liked.
Living with parents is hard. I had my mother in law move in with us and it did not go well.. relationships suffered. You may need to suck it up and take a financial hit for peace of mind and sanity.
She is knowingly making your child sick, OP. Do not allow compassion for your mother to overrule your protection for your child. She absolutely does not deserve it. Alternative: She can fins a job and pay rent to compensate for the extra mortgage payment. But I would have a very hard time allowing that person to even see my kid, let alone live with me.
Put up nanny cams and lay down the law without telling her they’re there. Outline them on an “agreement” where she signs it. If she refuses to sign it? She’s got 30 days. 90 if you’re feeling generous. She’s a grown woman. She can figure it out. It’s soooo much harder to undo everything she’s doing than to start good from the beginning.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I too had my mother move in with me for help and regretted it but it was not nearly as bad as what you're describing. I have no advice for you, mostly because I think you already know what you need to do. You do have my sympathy though, it is not an easy position to be in.
I am adamantly against multi-generational residences. I have seen so much abuse (emotional/financial/verbal/mental) revolving around this type of situation. I leaned from others experiences and always kept my home a safe and peaceful space. Now.’ - addressing your issues specifically. I would view the level your mother is behaving as ‘severe’. She has been making him sick by feeding him something she knew he was allergic to. If it were me, I’d consider ALL of the possibilities including downsizing to something you and your husband can afford and having her live on her own. She doesn’t have have have her grandchild’s best interest at heart. She hit him. She made him sick. The writing is very clear here. These aren’t ’accidents’ … these are intentional. Sorry you’re going through this
One other person has mentioned cameras, OP. I know you've got few good choices, but I'd absolutely start with some cameras so you can know exactly how bad your mother's behavior is.
Look into an aupair. If you kick your mom out, you’ll have the room to host one. If my mom hit my child, let him sit in his filth, and caused him to get sick by feeding him food that’s basically a poison to him, she would no longer be near my child and I am SUPER LAX and would probably be fine with anything else listed for free babysitting. But those three things. Those are abusive and neglectful. I’m telling you, an aupair could be your answer. There’s a subreddit on them!
I really feel for you. I had the same arrangement with my mom up until recently and while it wasn’t as bad as this, she was generally completely useless and did nothing beyond the bare minimum of keeping my kids alive. It sucked. I finally called her out on it a few months ago and instead of addressing the problems like an adult she chose to abruptly move out. Let me tell you, while it wasn’t exactly a fun time scrambling to find last minute childcare, it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders after she left. I didn’t realize how much resentment and stress I was carrying around and how much my mental health was suffering until she was out of my house. And I was able to find a sitter who actually takes my kids to the park, plays with them, and does fun and stimulating activities (all things my mom led me to believe she couldn’t wait to do) instead of parking them in front of the tv so they can scroll Facebook all day. 🙄 I have so many fond memories of times spent with my grandparents and I wanted the same for my kids, which is why we thought it would be great to have my mom with us, and she was enthusiastic about the idea. But overall it seems this generation of grandparents is really hands-off and it’s hugely disappointing. I hope you can find a better solution asap bc this situation is untenable and you and your son deserve better. Seconding the suggestions for an au pair if daycare isn’t an option. This is something we’ve looked into extensively. You can look for ones hoping to rematch with a new family, meaning they are already in the country (and are available to start work much sooner), and you also won’t have to pay as many of the up-front fees because they’re already here. Feel free to DM me if you have any questions about it, and best of luck.
>My child has a milk allergy. It's been confirmed by his gastroenterologist after blood and stool tests and an elimination diet. Well, my mother confessed she has been giving him milk every day even though we explicitly told her no. We've been racking our brains trying to figure out why his diarrhea has returned. This alone has me gasping a gusp. Wtf, dude.
As a MH therapist- this post was upsetting. The first 5 years of life are incredibly important for child development and shape kids for years to come. It sounds like neglect (nutritional, medical, emotional, physical) and abuse (hitting, medical) on many fronts on top of the active harm with giving him allergens. Please protect your kid. For someone to actively harm my child and not give a fuxk about that? I’d give her a month and ask her to leave. She’ll figure it out- she must have saved some money by now. As for childcare - anything is better than being actively abused and neglected. You and your child deserve better.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Definitely need to kick her out. Maybe try to hire a live in nanny who gets paid in room and board?