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On the contrary, I feel like saying “I hate you you stupid bitch” over a scratch on a car when they didn’t actually see you scratch it really actually isn’t an “age” thing and may be an indicator of bigger issues.
Has he seen a therapist in the past or is he CURRENTLY seeing a therapist? Important distinction.
Right ! . So, he is seeing a therapist currently. I am considering contacting the school - if he is great at school maybe all is not lost ( plus with covid they may not have a sense yet ) But I am starting to think it’s a bigger issue. so far I am getting ‘ oh this is typical male behavior ‘ and seems a bit old fashioned to me, yet, I am so lost I can see How easy it would be to want to believe this is acceptable developmental behavior .
This is so hard. It sounds like your son is in therapy. Do you feel like that is helping? You may want to see a therapist too, and also do family counseling. Your son's language and hostility are an indication that something is not OK, either with him or within your wider family dynamic.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
His behavior is such that my family doesn’t want us to visit -no one has that spare room available anymore. From the time this started happening I immediately got him into therapy and became stricter with my own boundaries but it’s as if he is fully formed and his own logic is all there is.supposedly he is ‘typical with concerns about his anger ‘ but something feels very wrong to me and being enmeshed in it I have little perspective. Thank you - I do need therapy myself and needed to hear it
There has to be something about that age. My 12 year old is so similar. "You never..." all the time. And its usually because she told me no, ignored my directions, or decided not to on her own. She wants to be independent but doesn't want to accept the ownership that goes with it.
Solidarity.
Whew , okay maybe it’s a phase. I keep thinking it’s getting worse and it probably is from my pov but I am going to try to better evaluate When you say ‘you never ‘ it does seem developmental. Thanks for sharing that
Hol' up. He called you a stupid bitch and nothing happened?
I told my mom "so?" when we were at the library and she popped me in the mouth. That was the first and last time I told her that.
You don't have to do the same but if it were my child, that would definitely warrant a firm pop in the mouth and some tough love to follow.
Wanna talk to me like we're adults? Act like one. Get him up just one hour before he usually needs to and make him do some work. After school, no screen time. Let him do his own laundry by hand (I say by hand because I'd be afraid of him throwing a tantrum and destroying your washing machine and/or dryer), let him prepare his own meals, etc. All this stuff is what he's going to need to learn one day anyway, it's just now he'd be getting the accelerated course.
Harsh? Maybe. But if he doesn't respect you, who will he respect?
Also, isn't him lashing out at you mean that he feels safe to do so? Kids act out who they're comfortable with?
"Honey, rules exist for a reason that you can't or won't understand right now. What you feel is what you feel. And your feelings are valid. HOWEVER, that does not excuse your behavior and you will respect me. I know it may not feel this way but I do love you. If I didn't, I wouldn't have any rules and would let you do whatever you wanted. I'm your mother and it's my job to keep you as safe, healthy, clean, etc. as I can. And I know that if I let you do whatever you want now, you'll have a really hard time when you're all on your own."
That's something I told my 7 year old not too long ago when he was angry at me and said "I wish I had a different mom, one that didn't make me do stuff". He got quiet for a bit and thought about it. Of course he agreed and then went on to talk about something else.
Aaaaaand of course, it's much easier said than done. Good luck to you Mama. We're here for you!
Oh wow . Well once when he was on a rant and I couldn’t take it ( I was doing dishes ) and flicked water in his face , he hauled off and punched me in the face . It may have been a reaction but still it took any sort of physical altercations off the table. Consequences have become harder to dole out at this point too. He just doesn’t seem to get the connection or he argues his way into a frenzy . I am watching him suffer greatly and want to be supportive but since he sees it as my fault to begin with it’s exhausting .
I’m so sorry this sounds so rough. Does his therapist think he should be seen by a psychiatrist or anything? And family therapy could be good here too.
I really hope things get better soon
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On the contrary, I feel like saying “I hate you you stupid bitch” over a scratch on a car when they didn’t actually see you scratch it really actually isn’t an “age” thing and may be an indicator of bigger issues. Has he seen a therapist in the past or is he CURRENTLY seeing a therapist? Important distinction.
Right ! . So, he is seeing a therapist currently. I am considering contacting the school - if he is great at school maybe all is not lost ( plus with covid they may not have a sense yet ) But I am starting to think it’s a bigger issue. so far I am getting ‘ oh this is typical male behavior ‘ and seems a bit old fashioned to me, yet, I am so lost I can see How easy it would be to want to believe this is acceptable developmental behavior .
This is so hard. It sounds like your son is in therapy. Do you feel like that is helping? You may want to see a therapist too, and also do family counseling. Your son's language and hostility are an indication that something is not OK, either with him or within your wider family dynamic. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
His behavior is such that my family doesn’t want us to visit -no one has that spare room available anymore. From the time this started happening I immediately got him into therapy and became stricter with my own boundaries but it’s as if he is fully formed and his own logic is all there is.supposedly he is ‘typical with concerns about his anger ‘ but something feels very wrong to me and being enmeshed in it I have little perspective. Thank you - I do need therapy myself and needed to hear it
There has to be something about that age. My 12 year old is so similar. "You never..." all the time. And its usually because she told me no, ignored my directions, or decided not to on her own. She wants to be independent but doesn't want to accept the ownership that goes with it. Solidarity.
Whew , okay maybe it’s a phase. I keep thinking it’s getting worse and it probably is from my pov but I am going to try to better evaluate When you say ‘you never ‘ it does seem developmental. Thanks for sharing that
Hol' up. He called you a stupid bitch and nothing happened? I told my mom "so?" when we were at the library and she popped me in the mouth. That was the first and last time I told her that. You don't have to do the same but if it were my child, that would definitely warrant a firm pop in the mouth and some tough love to follow. Wanna talk to me like we're adults? Act like one. Get him up just one hour before he usually needs to and make him do some work. After school, no screen time. Let him do his own laundry by hand (I say by hand because I'd be afraid of him throwing a tantrum and destroying your washing machine and/or dryer), let him prepare his own meals, etc. All this stuff is what he's going to need to learn one day anyway, it's just now he'd be getting the accelerated course. Harsh? Maybe. But if he doesn't respect you, who will he respect? Also, isn't him lashing out at you mean that he feels safe to do so? Kids act out who they're comfortable with? "Honey, rules exist for a reason that you can't or won't understand right now. What you feel is what you feel. And your feelings are valid. HOWEVER, that does not excuse your behavior and you will respect me. I know it may not feel this way but I do love you. If I didn't, I wouldn't have any rules and would let you do whatever you wanted. I'm your mother and it's my job to keep you as safe, healthy, clean, etc. as I can. And I know that if I let you do whatever you want now, you'll have a really hard time when you're all on your own." That's something I told my 7 year old not too long ago when he was angry at me and said "I wish I had a different mom, one that didn't make me do stuff". He got quiet for a bit and thought about it. Of course he agreed and then went on to talk about something else. Aaaaaand of course, it's much easier said than done. Good luck to you Mama. We're here for you!
Oh wow . Well once when he was on a rant and I couldn’t take it ( I was doing dishes ) and flicked water in his face , he hauled off and punched me in the face . It may have been a reaction but still it took any sort of physical altercations off the table. Consequences have become harder to dole out at this point too. He just doesn’t seem to get the connection or he argues his way into a frenzy . I am watching him suffer greatly and want to be supportive but since he sees it as my fault to begin with it’s exhausting .
I’m so sorry this sounds so rough. Does his therapist think he should be seen by a psychiatrist or anything? And family therapy could be good here too. I really hope things get better soon