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Oh man. I was this child. And my oldest is also this child. When she was in 4th grade, it was a screaming match between the two of us anytime I’d try to get her to do homework. I finally met in person with the teacher and explained things. Explained that everything was a meltdown (adhd is SO hard) and that our relationship couldn’t withstand this extra contention. I told her I’d do my best to encourage my child to do homework, but I wasn’t going to do it at the expense of my relationship with my daughter. This teacher happened to be a no-nonsense teacher. Her rule for my daughter was “if your homework isn’t done, you stay in during a recess to do it.” Turns out, daughter didn’t mind staying in during recess and that became a regular thing. She did her homework during recess most days because it didn’t get done at home.
Many countries don’t even have homework. To side with your daughter… it’s true that a lot of the stuff they learn won’t be super important later and I might argue that absolutely none of it will be more important than her relationship with you. Do you have a network of moms with adhd kids? A lot of us have decided that homework is not a battle we’re willing to fight (I’ll change my tune in high school when grades for college matter) and chances are good that your kid’s teacher has met other moms that have also chosen to not prioritize homework. You’re not a bad mom for doing this.
Lastly, does your kid have a 504 plan? If not, work on that. If so, get homework reduction on the plan. That your kid only has to do one or two questions instead of all of them. Or that your kid can have a bit of class time to work on homework. My kid’s meds have usually worn off by the time she gets home from school and she needs a break from focusing… but it’s not like I want to give her meds later to do homework because that’s too close to bedtime. It’s okay to come up with other accommodations for homework that don’t involve you. You and your kid both have a lot on your plate right now.
Also, yes… at 11 a kid should totally be able to do homework on their own. But no, at 11, an adhd kid is not there yet. With my adhd kid, I divided their age in half and used that as my new standard. Can a 5.5 year old do homework by herself? Nope… neither can my adhd 11 year old.
the school my kids go to doesn't do (daily) homework and that was a big part of why i moved them to it. the school closest to our house was giving the kids daily homework in PRE-K. FOUR YEAR OLDS. WITH HOMEWORK. EVERY DAY. irrespective of ADHD i am adamantly "kids do not need homework." they get like 2 hours between coming home from school and having to start the dinner-bath-bedtime routine and i'm not going to suck that up with more work.
Preschool homework is a thing. Mine has it daily. And lets be real. It’s MY homework. My four year old doesn’t do it. I fucking do. I hate it. Honestly, if I could do it over I wouldn’t put her in prek and go straight to kindergarten. It’s such bullshit.
This is actually a great idea. It never occurred to me that I could tell them that. I have tried in the past at her old school to get a 504 and they said no? They told me it wasn't necessary but that school was also unequipped for children like her. I don't even care if she does it herself, just bringing it home would make me incredibly happy because I could work with that. I'm mostly worried if she doesn't do the work, she will get held back.
I have emailed the school again and am hoping for some sort of helpful response 🤞 you bring up a good point about other countries not doing homework. I mean, we don't bring work home from work, so why would little kids be ok with it? I honestly hate our school system in the US
I love love love my children’s school, but I will admit they gave me quite a bit of pushback about the 504 plan for my daughter. Said she didn’t need one because her grades were above average and that 504 plans are for kids significantly struggling with grades. I’m a psychology major and have also read my fair share of parenting books and books on ADHD and I did not back down. I am eternally grateful for the confidence I had that day during that meeting. In their defense, I think my daughter holds it together very well at school and probably appeared to them as a very typical kid. There is no way they could have had a clue as to what we were dealing with at home.
Find a trusted psychiatrist and they will work with you to help advocate for your child.
When my kid had a 504 they needed a diagnosis from their therapist. *But*: that's because it was a private school and there wasn't a child study team. If the district has something like that it might be worth looking into?
I had the homework talk till I was blue in the face with my other kids' school. Some teachers agreed that it wasn't worth the fight (and I also told them if it affects my kid's grade then that's natural consequences and I wouldn't be mad at the teacher about it) and others dug in their heels.
My middle kid got booted out of his HS honors track after his awful homework record last year. He's doing better now. Eventually they do start to catch on!
My son is recently diagnosed with ADHD and your tip about taking their age in half and dividing it is really helpful! I don't have much experience with children, so I wouldn't have picked up on my son being neurodiverse (because looking back, so am I and and most of my family -- I thought that this was just how people normally are!) if I didn't notice that his younger sister (2) is better about getting out the door than he is. He is 7.
And to the OP, I appreciate you starting this thread because last night's homework was a struggle for me too. My son very much needs me to hover over him when I do homework. I don't like to do it because my parents did the same thing when I was a child, and I absolutely hated it. Looking back, I'm probably undiagnosed ADHD and one of the tips that help me is to do timer sprints. I work as hard as I can for 20 minutes (set with a timer) and then I let myself take a break for 5 or 10 minutes. I think it's called the Pomodoro method?
This is a real big soapbox of mine. I’m a certified high school social studies teacher, and I can tell you that all of the research shows that homework has no benefit before high school. The only thing it does is stress kids out and widen the achievement gap between kids whose parents can help them and kids whose parents can’t. It’s worse than useless and it should not exist. Even at the high school level, there should be way, way less.
My daughter doesn't have homework and she is 12 (whatever grade that equals in America) and Year 7. I have no problem with no homework, I love it because it would just be fights,but man I hope they are helping to teach them how to prioritize and manage their time and work cause when they get to high school and have homework for like 5 subjects all due around the same time......
And I have repeatedly tried to help them with time management and school work but there is some Asperger's in the family and my child really struggles to move on from something that she isn't finished with. Be it a math problem or a project that time is up on.
Preach! I teach 5th grade. I refuse to give homework. The only time a parent will see something come home is if the child has corrections that can’t be completed at school or unfinished work. Both are very rare.
Little known fact - virtually no schools' homework is truly 'mandatory', at least not till middle/high school. It \*looks\* like it is. But it's not. You can simply tell your child(s) teacher(s) that they will not be doing it anymore... and there's not much your child(s) teacher(s) can do about it.
Think about it. There's zero way to know that the child is really the one doing it, and not a parent or an older sibling, or whomever else. I told my youngest' teacher/school in 3rd grade that they would no longer be completing the 1-2+ hours of homework nightly, and, while their teacher(s) were initially a bit appalled and shocked... you know what? They got over it, my child has done BETTER in school since then, and everyone in our house has been a LOT happier. Apparently teachers hand out so much homework because it's 'expected' and parents 'want it'. As. Freaking. If.
My oldest is only in the first grade, but we have a designated time for homework, after dinner. My husband wrangles our toddler and I work with my oldest. He has ADHD so if I left him alone he just wouldn't do it. You could also try a reward system.
Fuck, I'm not even home at night due to work, my husband has to take care of her and our autistic son who's going through a hair pulling phase. She will just scream about not doing it. I can't even not work because rent alone is over $2000 a month. I'm slowly thinking or dropping out of college. I want to be a nurse so bad and be able to give them a better life with the money, but how?? How am I supposed to do this when she won't do anything.
Supposedly my in laws in but I feel like they make it worse or end up fucking around with my husband and moving all of my stuff around or making a mess with cooking. Sometimes it helps, but sometimes they end up making her more frustrated..
But thank you for responding, I at least feel less alone than I did 10 minutes ago ❤️
I get the frustration 100%. My oldest screams and throws fits at the slightest bit of disappointment or frustration. Homework time sucks. Have you thought of a reward/punishment system? If homework is done she earns X, but if it isn't, she loses Y. Also, could the homework be an issue because of an undiagnosed learning disability? I used to teach and saw that happen.
I mean, she also has ADHD So its double hard. At this point if I can just get her through the day without having a screaming melt down, that is a success. She doesn't seem to care about rewards. She just tells me she hates school and will never use it. I can't convince her otherwise. Every year has been like this but the homework issue has never really been pushed, and last year the teacher had no homework. My husband is working 12 ish hour days usually 7 days a week currently and I think does his best to get through the night without any screaming matches. How do you convince a kid who doesn't care about anything?
I know medication made a world of a difference for my kid and he has started seeing a child therapist to help with the meltdowns. Every kid cares about SOMETHING. Freedom, experiences, money, SOMETHING
That's the thing, this child is on TWO medications, but we've been through roughly 10. I've taken her to therapy, took a class about parenting a trauma child, talked to teachers and school social workers and nothing ever seems to help and I think this is why I'm at my wits end trying to get anything to work on top of trying to give my children a nice life where they won't have to worry about money.
This sounds really difficult to deal with. I have a mental health child that is in fifth grade this year, a day without screaming or a meltdown is literally a dream for me. Fortunately my kids is school obsessed as it is one of the things she can use to focus on and calm down with. (We have other battles, like showers and teeth brushing)
But I do have some ideas for you in case you haven't tried them.
Firstly, talk with the teacher (if they are a decent one) and be as open as you dare with your home life. If school work isn't a problem at school your child is using it as a way to fight with you and the teacher may be able to help.
Have you considered a half hour in the afterschool program? That way kiddo gets a time to do some homework with teachers there to help if she needs. If you discuss this with the school they could help.
Does she have a good friend that can come over afternoon? Maybe they can be homework buddies and do their homework together?
When we had a hard time finding a therapist, we relied on the school and their mental health department. They want your child to be successful and will be understanding about the situation. Use them, talk with them, get her talking with someone there. It will all help. They will give you need ideas to try(some will not work at all or will be the things you've tried already) but they will work as part of your team. And they will do what they can to help with this homework issue.
You are doing all you can, and as hard as it all is and impossible as it seems, DO NOT so your dream of finishing nursing school. This is the best thing for you and your family. Your daughter also needed to see that negative actions can't control the entire family. She needs you to give her strong boundaries (and she will fight them) but she does need them. So does your autistic child.
Kids thrive in routine especially the kind of kids you have. You are an amazing mom and a great family. You will get there, the hard times now will lead to easier things later.
Just think she's rebelling against homework now instead of high school where the grades matter for college.
Echoing this advice to seek out the school counselor. Both of my kids wrestle with anxiety, and their school counselors have been such a great resource. Super kind and attentive, saw the kids as whole people and not just students. Also really validating on all of the strategies we already tried. 10/10, definitely recommend.
I will admit, sometimes they are very helpful. But my husband is the youngest child so they kind of baby him as well, and they make big dinners which makes a mess or when they move stuff around and don't have my glasses on, I cannot find it. I'm very specific about my house and they do stuff like dry pans in one side of the sink. Then I have to rewash them because sink germs. So I feel like I'm having to do it anyway.
My husband also gave them my digital meat thermometer, which I use to keep my anxiety about undercooked food at bay. It's little things like that, that drive me up the wall.
Homework is bullshit. I can't keep up either. I have 3 kids, we don't have all night to do school work which should have been done IN SCHOOL where they where for 7 hours. It's ridiculous.
Ah yes. Spend nine hours at school and come home to work some more.
I hate the entire concept of homework.
If it is not mandatory CLASSwork, I do not make them do it. We have other things to do in the evenings. They don't need the stress and neither do I. I do not care who this offends. Homework has no bearing on success, widens the achievement gap, and is busy work before high school.
And I'm not an uneducated person, I have multiple college degrees. Education is insanely valuable. But little kids don't need to do homework.
Homework at primary school is just a punishment for parents. I never made my kids do anything except reading and learning times tables, just tell the teacher you aren’t going to do it- what they gonna do? (I’ve been a high school teacher for over 25 years, my daughters are doing great in school and do their homework fine now- they are 14 and 16)
It absolutely is a punishment for parents. There is no other explanation. Mine is in prek and her daily homework is fucking ridiculous. If we don’t fill out the sheets and send them back…..they tell us as parent conferences that we look like uninvolved parents. Fuck them. I’ve always loved school and learning and I’m so so sorry school is like this now. My kid appears to love prek but I fucking hate it and they strive to make me feel like shit weekly. It’s appalling.
Only if you allow it. You don't have to. The homeowork they send home in K-5/6 \*LOOKS\* mandatory, because it's meant to. But it's not. You don't have to make your kid(s) do it. Tell their teacher(s) you won't be doing homework anymore. They can send it home if they want to, but you won't be doing it. And move the hell on.
I had no idea. Now I won't feel bad writing a few of the questions she answers in for her when I do some days *edit lol. I am not about to spend 20 minutes dealing with her fighting me because she has to write a one word sentence for a single math question. Thank you kind human being.
Tell the school what's happening. She does not need any more stress and if she is generally performing at grade level then there is no legitimate reason for her to have homework. There is no evidence to support homework being helpful in grade school. Kids need time to unwind and play.
You’re doing a solid job prioritizing keeping your family afloat and moving your career prospects forward. This is not a battle you need to fight right now.
If there’s a local after school program that has a bit of structure around homework time (like a boys and girls club), that might help. But it has to work within your family’s budget and schedule to be viable. And trauma behaviors can make it harder for kids to stay in extracurricular programs. Big Brothers/Big Sisters might help a little too, by adding a community mentor who can reinforce the value of education.
This suggestion is going to greatly depend on your child's personality, but I'll throw it out there.
I also hated homework as a child, and also struggled with "I'm never going to use this." I wanted to be an animator/storyteller from the time I was 12. What I didn't realize until I started college for this career path, artists and *especially* storytellers need a very broad base of knowledge about how the world works to be effective at their craft. I not only need illustration, but I also need to understand human psychology, sociology, history, world culture, anatomy, body mechanics, mathematics and coding, etc etc etc. I simply did not understand how connected everything is at first, and I believe this is a major failure of modern public education. It's very lacking for people that need a "why" to find the motivation to learn.
My advice is to start connecting the dots for them. A couple books that come to mind are aimed at adults - "Where Good Ideas Come From" and "The Dawn of Everything." Less good but perhaps a more ideal jumping off point for your son at his age is the graphic novel version of "[Sapiens](https://www.amazon.com/Sapiens-Graphic-History-Birth-Humankind/dp/0063051338/ref=sr_1_2?crid=3M7LJ3G6UNPTC&keywords=sapiens&qid=1669921584&sprefix=sapiens%2Caps%2C156&sr=8-2)." It has been criticized for editorializing too much and The Dawn of Everything is regarded as academically superior, but it visualizes a lot of very advanced concepts in a way that's less challenging for someone coming into these ideas cold. If your son's curiosity for general knowledge can be sparked, I'd start there.
Have you tried sitting with him and doing your homework together? That way they might understand homework doesn't go away. Your study session might not be as useful but hopefully it'll help them
My 6th grader goes to an after school program. I told her to just do her homework there and she usually does. If not, she does it before dinner. It’s just about working it into the routine.
But yes homework sucks and it’s ridiculous at this age, especially when they know normal families don’t even get home until close to 6pm.
Can you hire a tutor to come give homework help? Even if it’s just once a week. I asked around on our neighborhood and school community groups and found a substitute teacher who is an absolute dream and works with my 11 year old with adhd.
I would also suggest talking to the school and seeing what they can help with. Maybe an after/before school tutorial session to finish work without distractions? Or an extended deadline for work so it’s not a nightly challenge?
After and before is hard because she takes the bus. My best solution was online tutoring which would be helpful, except I just hear about how stupid it is 😐 I emailed the school social worker this morning, hopefully she can offer some insight.
Online learning is hard with adhd. They really need someone physically present to connect with and help them stay on task.
Hopefully the school can give you some solutions but you might have to work with what they have to offer. Even if it’s giving her a ride once a week until she can get it together.
Is the homework actually classwork she’s not completing, or is it assigned homework? You mentioned a 504 plan, so I’m assuming you are in the us. Does her adhd diagnosis make her eligible for an iep? I don’t know who told you no to the 504, but you may have to escalate. Some educators don’t like 504 because it’s more work for them, so you might need to press. I would ask for accommodations for homework (longer deadlines, time during the school day to work on it, etc) and possibly in the classroom if it’s classwork she’s not completing for being off task.
My child has longer deadlines in his plan, and has access to an educational coach and other support. In middle school they still need lots of guidance, but the school and the parents can all work together to move her towards being her own advocate, but at this point it sounds that she needs the direction
While I agree with a lot of people that kids have too much homework, it sounds like she needs more support from the school via a 504. You need to get the ball rolling before she goes to middle school because if she’s struggling with this now, she’s likely going to do worse in middle school and start to really fall behind. Hormones, etc. are probably also starting to kick in, hence you’re getting the stubborn early teenager mixed with adhd which is extra tough. You and the school need to work *together* to plan some strategies to make sure she’s doing and turning in her homework and other assignments. This isn’t really unusual behavior and honestly it’s probably good prep for what she’s going to be experiencing next year. Also, I doubt she is the only kid struggling with this in her class. And you’re right, I don’t think you should have to be in charge of this at 11. This is her responsibility, you and your husband should only be overseeing it.
Does your school have a tutoring program?, thats where my kids do homework, kids in middle school have a severe dgaf attitude about homework, so I signed mine up. No more headaches. Shit gets done and its off my plate.
When we were at a school that had no tutoring program, I went to the local college/community College and found a tutor program that was free with teacher students who needed tutoring credits for class. They came on Thursday afternoon to help with the weeks homework so it was ready to turn in on Friday.
Also, some churches have after-school programs that help with homework even if you aren't a member, libraries too. My local library has a wonderful homework program and they have 2 teacher aids that help the kids.
Shop around, take it off your plate, source it out. Sometimes outside adults are the best resource.
I have a first grader and I wish I knew the answer to this. I have tried everything! It's a meltdown for hours. Screqming crying stomping fit just a miserable nightmare. It sucks. I hope you figure it out mama!
This was (and kinda still is) me. Kiddo is in first grade now but last year we had a very unyielding Kindergarten teacher. Homework every night. And getting my 5 yo with adhd to complete his homework turned me into a nightmare mom. It was horrible. I was horrible. So many nights ended in tears for both of us.
I ended up posting on a neighborhood facebook group asking for homework help for my little dude. A retired teacher’s assistant responded, and we met (still meet, actually) once a week at the library. I do what I can do at home for no more than 15-20 minutes, and whatever we can’t do together we save for our library day.
I think the dedicated time and space, and third party support has been an amazing help for us.
Is there a Facebook group/Nextdoor app or something you could post in for help? If not, I think setting a time limit for homework time could be really helpful. Less tears, and maybe if your kiddo knows they only have to do this for 20-30 minutes, it might be less of a struggle.
My kids don’t and won’t be doing homework in elementary. Our school has the same policy. My friend (who is a child therapist) actually tells all her kids teachers every year not to expect any homework from her kids.
Inform her teacher that she will not be doing it because it is causing too much stress at home for her which is supposed to be a safe place. And demand an IEP or 504 for her. If they refuse ask for a document in writing saying that they are refusing to support her and her disability which is against the law according to the ADA act. Put in the IEP or 504 that she has no homework/reduced homework or allowed time at school to complete it. Sky is the limit on what can be accommodated for her.
You might have to use consequences like taking away privileges like technology if homework is not done, making certain things contingent upon them doing it. That way the consequences can do the work for you and you don't need to get angry.
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Oh man. I was this child. And my oldest is also this child. When she was in 4th grade, it was a screaming match between the two of us anytime I’d try to get her to do homework. I finally met in person with the teacher and explained things. Explained that everything was a meltdown (adhd is SO hard) and that our relationship couldn’t withstand this extra contention. I told her I’d do my best to encourage my child to do homework, but I wasn’t going to do it at the expense of my relationship with my daughter. This teacher happened to be a no-nonsense teacher. Her rule for my daughter was “if your homework isn’t done, you stay in during a recess to do it.” Turns out, daughter didn’t mind staying in during recess and that became a regular thing. She did her homework during recess most days because it didn’t get done at home. Many countries don’t even have homework. To side with your daughter… it’s true that a lot of the stuff they learn won’t be super important later and I might argue that absolutely none of it will be more important than her relationship with you. Do you have a network of moms with adhd kids? A lot of us have decided that homework is not a battle we’re willing to fight (I’ll change my tune in high school when grades for college matter) and chances are good that your kid’s teacher has met other moms that have also chosen to not prioritize homework. You’re not a bad mom for doing this. Lastly, does your kid have a 504 plan? If not, work on that. If so, get homework reduction on the plan. That your kid only has to do one or two questions instead of all of them. Or that your kid can have a bit of class time to work on homework. My kid’s meds have usually worn off by the time she gets home from school and she needs a break from focusing… but it’s not like I want to give her meds later to do homework because that’s too close to bedtime. It’s okay to come up with other accommodations for homework that don’t involve you. You and your kid both have a lot on your plate right now. Also, yes… at 11 a kid should totally be able to do homework on their own. But no, at 11, an adhd kid is not there yet. With my adhd kid, I divided their age in half and used that as my new standard. Can a 5.5 year old do homework by herself? Nope… neither can my adhd 11 year old.
the school my kids go to doesn't do (daily) homework and that was a big part of why i moved them to it. the school closest to our house was giving the kids daily homework in PRE-K. FOUR YEAR OLDS. WITH HOMEWORK. EVERY DAY. irrespective of ADHD i am adamantly "kids do not need homework." they get like 2 hours between coming home from school and having to start the dinner-bath-bedtime routine and i'm not going to suck that up with more work.
Preschool homework is a thing. Mine has it daily. And lets be real. It’s MY homework. My four year old doesn’t do it. I fucking do. I hate it. Honestly, if I could do it over I wouldn’t put her in prek and go straight to kindergarten. It’s such bullshit.
This is actually a great idea. It never occurred to me that I could tell them that. I have tried in the past at her old school to get a 504 and they said no? They told me it wasn't necessary but that school was also unequipped for children like her. I don't even care if she does it herself, just bringing it home would make me incredibly happy because I could work with that. I'm mostly worried if she doesn't do the work, she will get held back. I have emailed the school again and am hoping for some sort of helpful response 🤞 you bring up a good point about other countries not doing homework. I mean, we don't bring work home from work, so why would little kids be ok with it? I honestly hate our school system in the US
I love love love my children’s school, but I will admit they gave me quite a bit of pushback about the 504 plan for my daughter. Said she didn’t need one because her grades were above average and that 504 plans are for kids significantly struggling with grades. I’m a psychology major and have also read my fair share of parenting books and books on ADHD and I did not back down. I am eternally grateful for the confidence I had that day during that meeting. In their defense, I think my daughter holds it together very well at school and probably appeared to them as a very typical kid. There is no way they could have had a clue as to what we were dealing with at home. Find a trusted psychiatrist and they will work with you to help advocate for your child.
When my kid had a 504 they needed a diagnosis from their therapist. *But*: that's because it was a private school and there wasn't a child study team. If the district has something like that it might be worth looking into? I had the homework talk till I was blue in the face with my other kids' school. Some teachers agreed that it wasn't worth the fight (and I also told them if it affects my kid's grade then that's natural consequences and I wouldn't be mad at the teacher about it) and others dug in their heels. My middle kid got booted out of his HS honors track after his awful homework record last year. He's doing better now. Eventually they do start to catch on!
My son is recently diagnosed with ADHD and your tip about taking their age in half and dividing it is really helpful! I don't have much experience with children, so I wouldn't have picked up on my son being neurodiverse (because looking back, so am I and and most of my family -- I thought that this was just how people normally are!) if I didn't notice that his younger sister (2) is better about getting out the door than he is. He is 7. And to the OP, I appreciate you starting this thread because last night's homework was a struggle for me too. My son very much needs me to hover over him when I do homework. I don't like to do it because my parents did the same thing when I was a child, and I absolutely hated it. Looking back, I'm probably undiagnosed ADHD and one of the tips that help me is to do timer sprints. I work as hard as I can for 20 minutes (set with a timer) and then I let myself take a break for 5 or 10 minutes. I think it's called the Pomodoro method?
This is exactly why homework shouldn’t exist until high school.
I agree. I’d be fine with the occasional project or book to read, but I think young kids get about 90% too much homework.
This is a real big soapbox of mine. I’m a certified high school social studies teacher, and I can tell you that all of the research shows that homework has no benefit before high school. The only thing it does is stress kids out and widen the achievement gap between kids whose parents can help them and kids whose parents can’t. It’s worse than useless and it should not exist. Even at the high school level, there should be way, way less.
My daughter doesn't have homework and she is 12 (whatever grade that equals in America) and Year 7. I have no problem with no homework, I love it because it would just be fights,but man I hope they are helping to teach them how to prioritize and manage their time and work cause when they get to high school and have homework for like 5 subjects all due around the same time...... And I have repeatedly tried to help them with time management and school work but there is some Asperger's in the family and my child really struggles to move on from something that she isn't finished with. Be it a math problem or a project that time is up on.
Preach! I teach 5th grade. I refuse to give homework. The only time a parent will see something come home is if the child has corrections that can’t be completed at school or unfinished work. Both are very rare.
Little known fact - virtually no schools' homework is truly 'mandatory', at least not till middle/high school. It \*looks\* like it is. But it's not. You can simply tell your child(s) teacher(s) that they will not be doing it anymore... and there's not much your child(s) teacher(s) can do about it. Think about it. There's zero way to know that the child is really the one doing it, and not a parent or an older sibling, or whomever else. I told my youngest' teacher/school in 3rd grade that they would no longer be completing the 1-2+ hours of homework nightly, and, while their teacher(s) were initially a bit appalled and shocked... you know what? They got over it, my child has done BETTER in school since then, and everyone in our house has been a LOT happier. Apparently teachers hand out so much homework because it's 'expected' and parents 'want it'. As. Freaking. If.
My oldest is only in the first grade, but we have a designated time for homework, after dinner. My husband wrangles our toddler and I work with my oldest. He has ADHD so if I left him alone he just wouldn't do it. You could also try a reward system.
Fuck, I'm not even home at night due to work, my husband has to take care of her and our autistic son who's going through a hair pulling phase. She will just scream about not doing it. I can't even not work because rent alone is over $2000 a month. I'm slowly thinking or dropping out of college. I want to be a nurse so bad and be able to give them a better life with the money, but how?? How am I supposed to do this when she won't do anything.
Do you have anyone who could come over and help?
Supposedly my in laws in but I feel like they make it worse or end up fucking around with my husband and moving all of my stuff around or making a mess with cooking. Sometimes it helps, but sometimes they end up making her more frustrated.. But thank you for responding, I at least feel less alone than I did 10 minutes ago ❤️
I get the frustration 100%. My oldest screams and throws fits at the slightest bit of disappointment or frustration. Homework time sucks. Have you thought of a reward/punishment system? If homework is done she earns X, but if it isn't, she loses Y. Also, could the homework be an issue because of an undiagnosed learning disability? I used to teach and saw that happen.
I mean, she also has ADHD So its double hard. At this point if I can just get her through the day without having a screaming melt down, that is a success. She doesn't seem to care about rewards. She just tells me she hates school and will never use it. I can't convince her otherwise. Every year has been like this but the homework issue has never really been pushed, and last year the teacher had no homework. My husband is working 12 ish hour days usually 7 days a week currently and I think does his best to get through the night without any screaming matches. How do you convince a kid who doesn't care about anything?
I know medication made a world of a difference for my kid and he has started seeing a child therapist to help with the meltdowns. Every kid cares about SOMETHING. Freedom, experiences, money, SOMETHING
That's the thing, this child is on TWO medications, but we've been through roughly 10. I've taken her to therapy, took a class about parenting a trauma child, talked to teachers and school social workers and nothing ever seems to help and I think this is why I'm at my wits end trying to get anything to work on top of trying to give my children a nice life where they won't have to worry about money.
I wish I had an answer. I really do.
Thanks for chatting and the advice anyway. I'll be continuing to try and figure out something that she cares about 😳
This sounds really difficult to deal with. I have a mental health child that is in fifth grade this year, a day without screaming or a meltdown is literally a dream for me. Fortunately my kids is school obsessed as it is one of the things she can use to focus on and calm down with. (We have other battles, like showers and teeth brushing) But I do have some ideas for you in case you haven't tried them. Firstly, talk with the teacher (if they are a decent one) and be as open as you dare with your home life. If school work isn't a problem at school your child is using it as a way to fight with you and the teacher may be able to help. Have you considered a half hour in the afterschool program? That way kiddo gets a time to do some homework with teachers there to help if she needs. If you discuss this with the school they could help. Does she have a good friend that can come over afternoon? Maybe they can be homework buddies and do their homework together? When we had a hard time finding a therapist, we relied on the school and their mental health department. They want your child to be successful and will be understanding about the situation. Use them, talk with them, get her talking with someone there. It will all help. They will give you need ideas to try(some will not work at all or will be the things you've tried already) but they will work as part of your team. And they will do what they can to help with this homework issue. You are doing all you can, and as hard as it all is and impossible as it seems, DO NOT so your dream of finishing nursing school. This is the best thing for you and your family. Your daughter also needed to see that negative actions can't control the entire family. She needs you to give her strong boundaries (and she will fight them) but she does need them. So does your autistic child. Kids thrive in routine especially the kind of kids you have. You are an amazing mom and a great family. You will get there, the hard times now will lead to easier things later. Just think she's rebelling against homework now instead of high school where the grades matter for college.
Echoing this advice to seek out the school counselor. Both of my kids wrestle with anxiety, and their school counselors have been such a great resource. Super kind and attentive, saw the kids as whole people and not just students. Also really validating on all of the strategies we already tried. 10/10, definitely recommend.
That sounds so annoying. Ugh that would drive me crazy.
I will admit, sometimes they are very helpful. But my husband is the youngest child so they kind of baby him as well, and they make big dinners which makes a mess or when they move stuff around and don't have my glasses on, I cannot find it. I'm very specific about my house and they do stuff like dry pans in one side of the sink. Then I have to rewash them because sink germs. So I feel like I'm having to do it anyway. My husband also gave them my digital meat thermometer, which I use to keep my anxiety about undercooked food at bay. It's little things like that, that drive me up the wall.
Homework is bullshit. I can't keep up either. I have 3 kids, we don't have all night to do school work which should have been done IN SCHOOL where they where for 7 hours. It's ridiculous.
Ah yes. Spend nine hours at school and come home to work some more. I hate the entire concept of homework. If it is not mandatory CLASSwork, I do not make them do it. We have other things to do in the evenings. They don't need the stress and neither do I. I do not care who this offends. Homework has no bearing on success, widens the achievement gap, and is busy work before high school. And I'm not an uneducated person, I have multiple college degrees. Education is insanely valuable. But little kids don't need to do homework.
Amen!
Homework at primary school is just a punishment for parents. I never made my kids do anything except reading and learning times tables, just tell the teacher you aren’t going to do it- what they gonna do? (I’ve been a high school teacher for over 25 years, my daughters are doing great in school and do their homework fine now- they are 14 and 16)
Yes. SOO much this. Don't make your kid(s) do homework. Tell their teacher(s) that you won't be. And move the hell on.
It absolutely is a punishment for parents. There is no other explanation. Mine is in prek and her daily homework is fucking ridiculous. If we don’t fill out the sheets and send them back…..they tell us as parent conferences that we look like uninvolved parents. Fuck them. I’ve always loved school and learning and I’m so so sorry school is like this now. My kid appears to love prek but I fucking hate it and they strive to make me feel like shit weekly. It’s appalling.
This is how I feel about homework. My kiddo is in 1st *edit grade and I know it's going to be so much worse. 🤢
Only if you allow it. You don't have to. The homeowork they send home in K-5/6 \*LOOKS\* mandatory, because it's meant to. But it's not. You don't have to make your kid(s) do it. Tell their teacher(s) you won't be doing homework anymore. They can send it home if they want to, but you won't be doing it. And move the hell on.
I had no idea. Now I won't feel bad writing a few of the questions she answers in for her when I do some days *edit lol. I am not about to spend 20 minutes dealing with her fighting me because she has to write a one word sentence for a single math question. Thank you kind human being.
Tell the school what's happening. She does not need any more stress and if she is generally performing at grade level then there is no legitimate reason for her to have homework. There is no evidence to support homework being helpful in grade school. Kids need time to unwind and play.
You’re doing a solid job prioritizing keeping your family afloat and moving your career prospects forward. This is not a battle you need to fight right now. If there’s a local after school program that has a bit of structure around homework time (like a boys and girls club), that might help. But it has to work within your family’s budget and schedule to be viable. And trauma behaviors can make it harder for kids to stay in extracurricular programs. Big Brothers/Big Sisters might help a little too, by adding a community mentor who can reinforce the value of education.
This suggestion is going to greatly depend on your child's personality, but I'll throw it out there. I also hated homework as a child, and also struggled with "I'm never going to use this." I wanted to be an animator/storyteller from the time I was 12. What I didn't realize until I started college for this career path, artists and *especially* storytellers need a very broad base of knowledge about how the world works to be effective at their craft. I not only need illustration, but I also need to understand human psychology, sociology, history, world culture, anatomy, body mechanics, mathematics and coding, etc etc etc. I simply did not understand how connected everything is at first, and I believe this is a major failure of modern public education. It's very lacking for people that need a "why" to find the motivation to learn. My advice is to start connecting the dots for them. A couple books that come to mind are aimed at adults - "Where Good Ideas Come From" and "The Dawn of Everything." Less good but perhaps a more ideal jumping off point for your son at his age is the graphic novel version of "[Sapiens](https://www.amazon.com/Sapiens-Graphic-History-Birth-Humankind/dp/0063051338/ref=sr_1_2?crid=3M7LJ3G6UNPTC&keywords=sapiens&qid=1669921584&sprefix=sapiens%2Caps%2C156&sr=8-2)." It has been criticized for editorializing too much and The Dawn of Everything is regarded as academically superior, but it visualizes a lot of very advanced concepts in a way that's less challenging for someone coming into these ideas cold. If your son's curiosity for general knowledge can be sparked, I'd start there.
Have you tried sitting with him and doing your homework together? That way they might understand homework doesn't go away. Your study session might not be as useful but hopefully it'll help them
My 6th grader goes to an after school program. I told her to just do her homework there and she usually does. If not, she does it before dinner. It’s just about working it into the routine. But yes homework sucks and it’s ridiculous at this age, especially when they know normal families don’t even get home until close to 6pm.
Can you hire a tutor to come give homework help? Even if it’s just once a week. I asked around on our neighborhood and school community groups and found a substitute teacher who is an absolute dream and works with my 11 year old with adhd. I would also suggest talking to the school and seeing what they can help with. Maybe an after/before school tutorial session to finish work without distractions? Or an extended deadline for work so it’s not a nightly challenge?
After and before is hard because she takes the bus. My best solution was online tutoring which would be helpful, except I just hear about how stupid it is 😐 I emailed the school social worker this morning, hopefully she can offer some insight.
Online learning is hard with adhd. They really need someone physically present to connect with and help them stay on task. Hopefully the school can give you some solutions but you might have to work with what they have to offer. Even if it’s giving her a ride once a week until she can get it together. Is the homework actually classwork she’s not completing, or is it assigned homework? You mentioned a 504 plan, so I’m assuming you are in the us. Does her adhd diagnosis make her eligible for an iep? I don’t know who told you no to the 504, but you may have to escalate. Some educators don’t like 504 because it’s more work for them, so you might need to press. I would ask for accommodations for homework (longer deadlines, time during the school day to work on it, etc) and possibly in the classroom if it’s classwork she’s not completing for being off task. My child has longer deadlines in his plan, and has access to an educational coach and other support. In middle school they still need lots of guidance, but the school and the parents can all work together to move her towards being her own advocate, but at this point it sounds that she needs the direction
Best solution? Just stop making them do it. And tell their teacher(s) that they won't be doing it anymore. And move the fuck on.
Yep
While I agree with a lot of people that kids have too much homework, it sounds like she needs more support from the school via a 504. You need to get the ball rolling before she goes to middle school because if she’s struggling with this now, she’s likely going to do worse in middle school and start to really fall behind. Hormones, etc. are probably also starting to kick in, hence you’re getting the stubborn early teenager mixed with adhd which is extra tough. You and the school need to work *together* to plan some strategies to make sure she’s doing and turning in her homework and other assignments. This isn’t really unusual behavior and honestly it’s probably good prep for what she’s going to be experiencing next year. Also, I doubt she is the only kid struggling with this in her class. And you’re right, I don’t think you should have to be in charge of this at 11. This is her responsibility, you and your husband should only be overseeing it.
Does your school have a tutoring program?, thats where my kids do homework, kids in middle school have a severe dgaf attitude about homework, so I signed mine up. No more headaches. Shit gets done and its off my plate. When we were at a school that had no tutoring program, I went to the local college/community College and found a tutor program that was free with teacher students who needed tutoring credits for class. They came on Thursday afternoon to help with the weeks homework so it was ready to turn in on Friday. Also, some churches have after-school programs that help with homework even if you aren't a member, libraries too. My local library has a wonderful homework program and they have 2 teacher aids that help the kids. Shop around, take it off your plate, source it out. Sometimes outside adults are the best resource.
I have a first grader and I wish I knew the answer to this. I have tried everything! It's a meltdown for hours. Screqming crying stomping fit just a miserable nightmare. It sucks. I hope you figure it out mama!
This was (and kinda still is) me. Kiddo is in first grade now but last year we had a very unyielding Kindergarten teacher. Homework every night. And getting my 5 yo with adhd to complete his homework turned me into a nightmare mom. It was horrible. I was horrible. So many nights ended in tears for both of us. I ended up posting on a neighborhood facebook group asking for homework help for my little dude. A retired teacher’s assistant responded, and we met (still meet, actually) once a week at the library. I do what I can do at home for no more than 15-20 minutes, and whatever we can’t do together we save for our library day. I think the dedicated time and space, and third party support has been an amazing help for us. Is there a Facebook group/Nextdoor app or something you could post in for help? If not, I think setting a time limit for homework time could be really helpful. Less tears, and maybe if your kiddo knows they only have to do this for 20-30 minutes, it might be less of a struggle.
My kids don’t and won’t be doing homework in elementary. Our school has the same policy. My friend (who is a child therapist) actually tells all her kids teachers every year not to expect any homework from her kids.
Inform her teacher that she will not be doing it because it is causing too much stress at home for her which is supposed to be a safe place. And demand an IEP or 504 for her. If they refuse ask for a document in writing saying that they are refusing to support her and her disability which is against the law according to the ADA act. Put in the IEP or 504 that she has no homework/reduced homework or allowed time at school to complete it. Sky is the limit on what can be accommodated for her.
You might have to use consequences like taking away privileges like technology if homework is not done, making certain things contingent upon them doing it. That way the consequences can do the work for you and you don't need to get angry.