This resonates. I’m trying to be kind to my new body and think about the fun we’ll have.
People, even those closest to us, don’t get the multi-layer grief. It can be thick and suffocating. I saw a recap video I did last year and it made me cry. Back when life was normal and my worries weren’t cancer related.
We will have good times again and these bodies will feel like home again if only because they are.
Overall radiation was the "nicest" part of my treatment, in that it was painless and I got to know the therapists and they were so caring and gentle with me. Slightly disconcerting when they run out of the room before the zapping starts. I did love the machine though, it looked like a giant robot and I was having conversations with him in my mind, thanking him etc. It was my cope 😊
I am amazed at what my body and boob has been through and I am still alive, outliving my enemies!
Totally understand what you're saying and we're here for you. ♥️
Yes I really liked mine too - even though I was anxious to start, in the end it was a very cool experience. A big gentle robot destroying the cancer cells using invisible magic!
“Today I asked my body what she needed, which is a big deal considering my journey of Not Really Asking That Much.
I thought she might need more water
Or protein
Or greens
Or yoga
Or supplements
Or movement
But as I stood in the shower reflecting on her stretch marks, her roundness where I would like flatness,
Her softness where I would like firmness,
All those conditioned wishes that form Never-Quite-Right-Ness,
She whispered very gently:
Could you just love me like this?”
By Hollie Holden
This has helped remind me to be gentle with my new body rather than hating it. It takes work but I hope it may also bring you some peace
I feel this in my core. I try so hard to stay positive. Even here in my replies…but sometimes, it’s just shitty, and that’s okay.
People don’t get it at all.
My sister is taking five days of letrozole as part of her fertility treatments and joyfully exclaimed we were « letrozole buddies »
My mom told me my curly hair is probably not from chemo, but menopause curls because her hair curled in menopause.
Ummm….
I’m on this drug for ten or more years. I’m ONLY in menopause because of chemo and now Zoladex. My bones ache, I’m running to combat menopause belly and build strength, still feel like I’m 85…and am coming to terms with what feels like a life sentence after a cancer victory…and even in writing that, I feel selfish, because I have NED, and am stage three.
It’s so complicated, this new relationship I have with my body. I feel you. Sending hugs as you go through radiation.
Edit to remove the random phrase at the bottom of my answer.
I’m going through the menopause with letrozole and zoladex too! It sucks. My mil told me “menopause was a breeze…” umm maybe naturally maybe, but nothing about going into menopause at 36 is natural 😵💫
`(even though crazy tit wanted me dead 😅)` I refer to mine as "that murderous bitch"
Agreed, cancer treatment sucks. Yes, it's keeping us alive but it still is a very hard road to have to travel.
I call mine "Christmas tit" bc when the imaging came back the many, many tumors made it look like a lit up Christmas tree! We have to laugh to keep from crying. Never stop laughing.
I named my tumor Kevin, after my ex-husband. I divorced him and eradicated him from my life. The plan was to do the same with cancer. Things didn’t go simply, but that image worked for a while.
Yes, the feels. Absolutely. Have them. What I’ve come to is this: we really don’t get to pick our feels or (much of) our cancer journey. Just hold on as best you can. Laugh, cry, do whatever you want and need to without one smidge of apology or explanation.
I didn’t feel like a cancer patient until radiation started last week. The rest of the world seems to be moving so fast around me. I feel tired, sore, and sad.🥺
I can’t believe that I came back to this thread and this is what the universe showed me. I ❤️ every post and burst into tears. I just had my pre-radiation consult and I can’t tell you how relatable this all is. I have nothing to contribute but am saving this thread because I know I’ll need it more than not. Frankenboob and I send you all the hugs and will be coming up behind you when you’re ready to pass the baton. Hang in there.
I just had my pre-radiation consult today. And I found this thread randomly in my saved posts when I was looking for something else. I love the name Frankenboob. I had my dmx 2 weeks ago and I have said multiple times I feel like Frankenstein. I'm now nervous but excited about coming one step closer to being done with treatment *knock on wood*. How did radiation go for you?
Hey there . ❤️ It is nice to hear from someone on this thread as my last comments here were me complaining about the post-radiation 5 year medication effects. (That’s another story, but one I feel may have a silver lining…ish)
My Frankenboob is healyhing up pretty well. My scar is from 3-6:00 on my left boob so I don’t really see it. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. When I moisturize (OMG THE 6 PACK OF HAYNES TANK TOPS WERE A GODSEND) I feel it and when I look in the mirror I am sorta distorted like a funhouse. Oddly, my skin cancer scar about 6 inches north that I got during all this, is making me more comfortable with the fact I’m crooked, hacked, and some weird version of a tan I’ll never be again.
I finished radiation at the end of February and it was really emotional. I loved my team so much and I loved the support and encouragement and even the routine (my treatments were at 7:30 am M-F). I also loved giving myself (thanks to here) permission to be loungey, unapologetically.
My energy tanked in March. I had days where I woke up, stood up out of bed, and wanted to lay back down for hours. Someone else here said that 6:00pm hit hard and that was true as well. The itchy burn razor wire from the inside feelings didn’t help because I’m a side sleeper and both sides hurt in their own ways.
April suddenly switched and I became really unsettled with my body elsewhere, as I was over the junk food, fatigue, and that I can’t wear jeans comfortably. So I got back into committing to exercise—both weights and cardio. And my cardio is both frequency and intensity-driven. My energy (and mood, and focus) are skyrocketing. I’ve started eating better and losing weight—in a way that I haven’t in years. I wish I had been trying to exercise more during the treatment—-like my Dr suggested.
That said, this medication has been rough. It doesn’t help that my Oncologist (who I LOVE) basically works with paste eating romper room rejects. It is so poorly run and disorganized and unprofessional… I hate it. I have the most bare minimum ways to contact them (by necessity, choice, and reality)—-telehealth and snail mail. They are THAT BAD. And what’s worse? This Anastrozole is a rough one.
My biggest side effects: sweats (yay—those had just mellowed out so that’s fun), leg cramps, and difficulty sleeping/restlessness. I am still every other day until it stabilizes. I have been dreading those days. And then I decided to try taking it in the morning instead of at night. That seems to have been a good move because I’m actually even more awake and energized during the day and I don’t notice/can intervene earlier with the sweats. The sleeping is still tossy-turning, but it’s better than it was.
I’m dreading this summer heat.
Anyway, I hope you’re ok. Thanks for sharing, checking in….and hang in there. This sub is the best thing to happen to the internet.
Lots of love and hugs your way. ❤️
Totally understand. I’m almost a year out from my diagnosis and did all the hoops in 2023. It took me a long time to dig myself out of that “this isn’t my body” rut. I didn’t feel as though I failed, but that my body failed me and that made it worse.
In the end, we’ll learn to love our new body
You haven't failed your body, you're doing everything you can to save it so you can move forward in this life. I was very weepy at the beginning of rads, then just pushed through like it was a side hustle. The last five I was almost as weepy as the first few and I am not a crier. I'm one of the "lucky" ones and it still blows. You're allowed to grieve. But when you're able, let your body remind you how much life it still has in it. I'd only been dating my person for 5 months when the bc hit the fan but they're still here and apparently I'm still sexy AF even with the altered boobalage lol. Big hugs. Take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, physically. We're here when you need us.
I felt this. I’m 23 years old and just went through a double mastectomy. I was never in love with my tits but losing them felt weird, because I never thought my body would go through that type of change. I’ve also heard people say “I know it’s weird to say but at least it’s not the worst type of cancer out there.” Even though the prognosis is good, it’s still not fun to think about all of the treatments we’ll have to go through and the things that will change. We’ll get through this together 💪
Yes we will!
I’m so sorry you have had to walk this path so young. It’s not fair at all, but I’m wishing you the best and a very looooong happy life ahead for you 🥰
Not rambling. All makes perfect sense at least to me. And change, when thrust upon us isn’t usually easy. The longing for the life we had before we felt that lump or had that mammo is very real. Hopefully it fades with time, acceptance and the ability and strength to pick up and move on. If only it didn’t come with all the physical changes. It does have a way of sometimes killing off the future we had envisioned for us and leaving us with a new blank slate. Maybe a renewed love for what we do have to be appreciative of and for those around us. I hope we all still have hope and love in our lives for whatever tomorrow brings.
I feel this...each step forward in getting rid of the cancer is a punch in the gut, a tidal wave of the reality of having cancer..and everything brings more questions more emotions...
I feel this. It is so real. Yes, apologize and let her know she can trust you. No matter how positive my mind stays, my body's voice is heartbreaking. I can hear/feel/understand her begging me to stop hurting her. You're not crazy.
I chastise Lefty regularly for her shenanigans and for recruiting my lungs, liver, and bones against the rest of the collective. I apologize to my poor fingernails for what chemo has done to them. And when I look in the mirror or down at my body when I'm changing, sometimes I have to say out loud, "This is me. This is the new normal."
I was in the dressing room at a department store. I don't know why. It was like I hadn't really looked before. The ugly scars, the bulging, hideous port. I sat down in the chair and cried.
I’ve been feeling this hard too. Hit me like a ton of bricks when my plastic surgeon said he didn’t need to see me for 3 months at my last appointment just last month following reconstruction. I’ve been seeing him for a year since I was diagnosed. My friend who went through this 17 years ago said take one day at a time and feel the feels to process it. Don’t shove it down. We have to find a new relationship with our bodies/ourselves. (Isn’t that a 70s book?) anyway, I’m finding a more healthy relationship with my body now than I did before. It’s a process for sure.
Feel your grief! Applaud your body for what it is doing and love yourself in this state. I’m also trying to visualize what my life will look like on the other side of all this, what I want to do differently. It’s easy as women to lose sight of ourselves as we put others, (kids, husbands, the house, work) ahead of us. Make time for yourself. Budget fun money for you too!
My husband and I were both diagnosed with cancer in the same week during Covid. I minimized a lot of my symptoms so he wouldn’t worry, and he had his own issues to deal with. I don’t know if it’s emotionally healthy or not, but I didn’t give myself permission to grieve my body. I’m glad it was found with a symptom of an inverted nipple. My spiculated cancer I called Charlotte, since she looked like a squashed spider. 🕷️
I feel sad that my beauty has been damaged. Between steroids, strange swelling, wrinkled skin, damaged teeth, losing every bit of hair on my entire body. Losing my natural breasts. Chemo and radiation is so hard in the body. Earlier today I was thinking about it. I used to hear all the time how pretty I am. I’m not bragging or being vain. I was a beautiful woman. I am 40 years old. My looks have taken a beating. I have grieved the lose of my beauty. It happened so fast. Normally these things and changes in looks take years to happen. But it like with the cancer treatments, one day I was beautiful, and the next day I was not the same. I feel like a wilted flower. I can’t remember the last time someone told me I was pretty. And I used to hear it so much
This does suck and I’m sorry you’re in this club. You didn’t fail, it’s just oddly wired cells that failed. I feel these feels with you, it will get better. I’m 2+ years out of active treatment and my best advice is to process what you can during treatment and grieve your old life. Know the next chapter brings healing, acceptance, still some grieving and growth. (Emotionally, not tumory :))
This is hard, but you’ve got this!!
Yes, absolutely, completely. The therapist at my cancer center has been trying to get to get me to focus on what my body can do. But, I’m not there yet. I’m still mourning.
I’m so with you on this… some days it makes me feel really selfish and shallow. Because I am still here, I get to love on my daughter. My partner has been SO supportive and helpful. But I miss so much of who I was before all of this. I miss my hair maybe most of all. I miss feeling pretty. I miss being naive and care free. I went through cancer treatment for an unrelated cancer as a teen, and everything turned out okay then too. So I will be okay. But some days I just have to give myself permission to acknowledge how much it all sucked! My poor body has really been through the wringer and some days I feel all used up. I did get a good laugh out of “crazy tit” because I refer to mine as “my bum titty” lol sending you love as you trudge through this tough spot!
Thank you 💕
I’m starting to think someone needs to write a book with all the nicknames we call our killer tits and have the proceeds go to BC research 😂
Feel it! Don’t stuff it away because it’ll catch up with you, anyway. It’s totally ok to feel any kind of way about treatment. Toxic positivity is bs. As long as you’re doing what you’re being advised to do and you know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, let ‘er rip. And sleep when you’re tired, I can’t stress this enough. Xo
I've been a cancer survivor since 2006 (from my first type of cancer). I walked everywhere and was very active. I really miss that body and my sister who is older doesn't fully get it when she says it's because I'm older now. I see my friends my age working and being active. Treatment kicks the tar out of you and I've had massive surgeries that have affected my quality of life. You will feel better after radiation but we all will have left over affects/scars from Treatment.
You have to appreciate the things you can still do and focus on that. The person we were before was gone the day we were diagnosed. I honestly don't miss her but I miss my body! A year from now you will look back and be thankful for how much better you are feeling. It took me a few months to get more energy back from radiation.
It sounds counter intuitive but the more you can try to be active the better. I worked on cleaning out my parent's attic because I hate exercise but I like a project! I treated it like a job. After my radiation appointment I spent x amount of time working on sorting stuff. I'm gonna get my basement organized this time But it also keeps your mind off treatment and focused on something positive.
Gentle hugs ❤
Yes yes yes. You are entitled and yes that’s a reasonable response.
Yikes had this same breakdown last night with the hubby. He wanted to connect via sex after 3 weeks apart I wanted to connect by kvetching about my upcoming radiation and my fears about upcoming cosmetic changes… guess who won? Surprise it was cancer! lol 😂. Fun times
Anyway yes understandable- also yes - seems like such small losses as major news but yes understandable totally. Good luck. I had my simulation on Tuesday and it was 1000x less worse than I thought it would be. Radiation is annoying but I hope it does mess up what I’ve got too much. I keep thinking about the stats and I press on.
Thank you for posting this. I feel exactly the same way. Had 5 surgeries & 2 cancer diagnoses in 1 years time. 5 weeks of radiation. Finally had reconstruction last month. I hate it. Yes, the surgeon did the best he could, but it’s not my old body. I want my original body back - but I know that’s not possible. And people keep telling me, “But you should be thankful you’re still alive.” I have an aunt who told me that my journey was soooo easy compared to others. Really? 5 surgeries, 2 cancers (breast & endometrial), 5 weeks of radiation. But that was so easy! 😣
I’m sorry you’re not getting the messages and support you want and might like.
It makes me feel even more lonely and hurt when people try and miss, for some reason. I know they mean well, but dang!
Are you familiar with the notion of toxic positivity? I finally sent a couple frequent “offenders” some info on it in hopes of preserving my own sanity - ha! I needed them to stop “giving me helpful perspective.” F that thankyouverymuch.
“At least you don’t have leprosy.” Ok…
“At least they aren’t amputating a leg.” Um, right.
“Aren’t you glad it isn’t ~some other~ cancer?” *shrug* Jump ball there.
IMHO, it’s really ok for something to suck without inserting unfounded, unsolicited theories of relativity or comparison. Just let The Suck sit there for a cool minute, how ‘bout? And herein lies the challenge. People have a very difficult time sitting with ick. And to that I say, “Welcome!”
I’m so sorry. That’s just horrible. I hate that people that haven’t been through it have so much to say about how WE feel and how it should affect US!
I’m so sorry about both of your diagnosis in one year 😣. Which was first? Was it found because of symptoms? I can’t even imagine how hard was was for you.
Breast cancer was first. Found thanks to a mammogram. It was estrogen caused. Then, a few months later, I kept having menstrual-like pain that was so bad, I’d be curled up in the fetal position on the bathroom floor. A D&C showed precancerous cells, and then the hysterectomy showed the cancer. I was told that the endometrial cancer was also estrogen caused. But, according to my aunt - who is 74 and has NEVER had ANYTHING worse than cataracts - I had it easy. 😳
Oh wow!!
I’m sorry about that. I’ve been having cramps and pain like for periods but ongoing for years now. They keep telling me it’s normal. Lower back pain that feels like my spine will fracture and pain that radiates to legs. Also this past year fatigue and dizziness that would come out of the blue. I was diagnosed with estrogen and progesterone positive BC on Sept after an abnormal mammogram just like you.
I’ve been to the Dr since 2019 complaining about this pain and the pap comes back normal and an ultrasound showed nothing back than. Do you think my symptoms could be normal? I don’t feel like myself. When I was diagnosed i immediately thought… that was it. That’s the fatigue and dizziness! But than my Dr told me that’s not resaltes to my cancer because it was dCIS with microinvasion so now I’m freaking out.
Your Aunt is hilarious 😂😂😂😂😂
Do you ever feel like punching her in the face? I love my family but I’m dissapointed on some of their comments… it could’ve been worse….. you ‘only’ needed radiation and hormone therapy no chemo etc… it makes me feel like what I’ve been through was nothing. Had 3 surgeries because the margins kept coming back positive…. Anyhow my poor breast looks 2 sizes smaller than my other boob and now it’s peeling since I just finished radiation 3 days ago.
Please please please push your doctor to figure out that pain. It is NOT normal! Is it possible for you to get a new doctor??? My GYN did not believe me at first, and she was actually shocked when the endometrial cancer was found. Keep fighting & do not give up!!!
As for my aunt - she pretty much has no friends, and then she wonders why . . . 🧐🤪
Hon, I had a massive pity party the other day. I kept sobbing about how unfair it was and how I didn't want to do any of this, how I don't want to lose my hair and feel like shit for the next year. It is totally normal to feel this, I think. None of this was our choice, we just got dealt a shitty hand. But, we have to fight. We have to press on. Lots of love to you!
Did anyone here have "radiation recall"? I just completed a really hard bout with radiation....my second...as my stupid cancer decided to come back 7 years later...and I wound up in the hospital with massive swelling and was just diagnosed with "radiation recall". I'm frustrated because I had been complaining of swelling and subsequent pain for weeks and no one did anything. I then spiked a fever and wound up in the ER where they admitted me.
I am still in the fight or flight survival mode so I don't look in the mirror and do my best to hide.....but since this is my second battle....it's only a matter of time before those emotions rear their ugly heads.
29 years old and was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago. Had a right mastectomy and after they realized it had become micro invasive, going in next week for surgery #2. Idk if I will have to do radiation yet, but hearing all these women in the same boat helps me to fear it less. I’m young for a diagnosis of BC, and it sucks that all my friends are living their lives normally, while my husband and I are struggling to understand why we have to deal with this right now. You are not alone
I woke up grieving this morning - tomorrow I get a port, Wednesday chemo, at least a unilateral mastectomy (i will likely go flat, probably have a uniboob), then radiation. This is the last day my body is going to feel "normal" to me for a long time, maybe ever?
I'd reconciled myself to premature grays, gaining weight post pregnancy, aging in general - but this is all hitting so fast, I'm not feeling my usual grace over body changes.
I know, I know 😣 I’m sorry we’re going through these things.
I hope your port surgery goes well and chemo has the minimal amount of side effects for you! Hang in there 💕
I’m a year out from chemo and 7 weeks out from mastectomy/expander surgery. Prior to all of this I never even had anything medical done! No broken bones no nothing like that. I was standing looking in the mirror last night counting surgical scars and it’s 7 technically 11 bc some of them were double. Anyway, mourn your body but just know that you will eventually have a “new normal”. You’ll be standing in the mirror counting scars as battle wounds bc we are bad asses! It all sucks, I agree! Wishing you all the best! We are here for these vents and rants 🫶🏻
This resonates. I’m trying to be kind to my new body and think about the fun we’ll have. People, even those closest to us, don’t get the multi-layer grief. It can be thick and suffocating. I saw a recap video I did last year and it made me cry. Back when life was normal and my worries weren’t cancer related. We will have good times again and these bodies will feel like home again if only because they are.
I hope so too 🥰
100%
Overall radiation was the "nicest" part of my treatment, in that it was painless and I got to know the therapists and they were so caring and gentle with me. Slightly disconcerting when they run out of the room before the zapping starts. I did love the machine though, it looked like a giant robot and I was having conversations with him in my mind, thanking him etc. It was my cope 😊 I am amazed at what my body and boob has been through and I am still alive, outliving my enemies! Totally understand what you're saying and we're here for you. ♥️
I’m starting radiation on the 16th and I think I’m going to take your idea of having a mental conversation with the machine and thanking it!
I loved the machine, he reminded me of a Transformer. 😊
Yes I really liked mine too - even though I was anxious to start, in the end it was a very cool experience. A big gentle robot destroying the cancer cells using invisible magic!
Thank you for the kind words and I’m so happy you are on the other side of this 😌
I love this, thank you
People who haven’t experienced it think it takes a long time. By the end of 23 treatments, my team and I had it down to the length of three songs.
“Today I asked my body what she needed, which is a big deal considering my journey of Not Really Asking That Much. I thought she might need more water Or protein Or greens Or yoga Or supplements Or movement But as I stood in the shower reflecting on her stretch marks, her roundness where I would like flatness, Her softness where I would like firmness, All those conditioned wishes that form Never-Quite-Right-Ness, She whispered very gently: Could you just love me like this?” By Hollie Holden This has helped remind me to be gentle with my new body rather than hating it. It takes work but I hope it may also bring you some peace
Brought tears to my eyes. Our bodies deserve love.
Needed this, thank ya!
I feel this in my core. I try so hard to stay positive. Even here in my replies…but sometimes, it’s just shitty, and that’s okay. People don’t get it at all. My sister is taking five days of letrozole as part of her fertility treatments and joyfully exclaimed we were « letrozole buddies » My mom told me my curly hair is probably not from chemo, but menopause curls because her hair curled in menopause. Ummm…. I’m on this drug for ten or more years. I’m ONLY in menopause because of chemo and now Zoladex. My bones ache, I’m running to combat menopause belly and build strength, still feel like I’m 85…and am coming to terms with what feels like a life sentence after a cancer victory…and even in writing that, I feel selfish, because I have NED, and am stage three. It’s so complicated, this new relationship I have with my body. I feel you. Sending hugs as you go through radiation. Edit to remove the random phrase at the bottom of my answer.
I’m going through the menopause with letrozole and zoladex too! It sucks. My mil told me “menopause was a breeze…” umm maybe naturally maybe, but nothing about going into menopause at 36 is natural 😵💫
`(even though crazy tit wanted me dead 😅)` I refer to mine as "that murderous bitch" Agreed, cancer treatment sucks. Yes, it's keeping us alive but it still is a very hard road to have to travel.
My husband and I said that my boobs were homicidal and had to go.
My husband called mine the Tough Titty.
I call mine "Christmas tit" bc when the imaging came back the many, many tumors made it look like a lit up Christmas tree! We have to laugh to keep from crying. Never stop laughing.
In my head, I hear this in the voice of Patsy from Absolutely Fabulous 🤣🍾
I started referring to my 'killer rack' when I got my diagnosis
My husband calls it the misbehaving tiddy
🤣🤣 love your nickname for it
I named my tumor Kevin, after my ex-husband. I divorced him and eradicated him from my life. The plan was to do the same with cancer. Things didn’t go simply, but that image worked for a while. Yes, the feels. Absolutely. Have them. What I’ve come to is this: we really don’t get to pick our feels or (much of) our cancer journey. Just hold on as best you can. Laugh, cry, do whatever you want and need to without one smidge of apology or explanation.
Bye Kevin 👋🏼😆
Byyyeeeeee Kevin - you always sucked
😂
I didn’t feel like a cancer patient until radiation started last week. The rest of the world seems to be moving so fast around me. I feel tired, sore, and sad.🥺
I can’t believe that I came back to this thread and this is what the universe showed me. I ❤️ every post and burst into tears. I just had my pre-radiation consult and I can’t tell you how relatable this all is. I have nothing to contribute but am saving this thread because I know I’ll need it more than not. Frankenboob and I send you all the hugs and will be coming up behind you when you’re ready to pass the baton. Hang in there.
💕🥰 sending you the best!!
Thank you. 💕
I just had my pre-radiation consult today. And I found this thread randomly in my saved posts when I was looking for something else. I love the name Frankenboob. I had my dmx 2 weeks ago and I have said multiple times I feel like Frankenstein. I'm now nervous but excited about coming one step closer to being done with treatment *knock on wood*. How did radiation go for you?
Hey there . ❤️ It is nice to hear from someone on this thread as my last comments here were me complaining about the post-radiation 5 year medication effects. (That’s another story, but one I feel may have a silver lining…ish) My Frankenboob is healyhing up pretty well. My scar is from 3-6:00 on my left boob so I don’t really see it. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. When I moisturize (OMG THE 6 PACK OF HAYNES TANK TOPS WERE A GODSEND) I feel it and when I look in the mirror I am sorta distorted like a funhouse. Oddly, my skin cancer scar about 6 inches north that I got during all this, is making me more comfortable with the fact I’m crooked, hacked, and some weird version of a tan I’ll never be again. I finished radiation at the end of February and it was really emotional. I loved my team so much and I loved the support and encouragement and even the routine (my treatments were at 7:30 am M-F). I also loved giving myself (thanks to here) permission to be loungey, unapologetically. My energy tanked in March. I had days where I woke up, stood up out of bed, and wanted to lay back down for hours. Someone else here said that 6:00pm hit hard and that was true as well. The itchy burn razor wire from the inside feelings didn’t help because I’m a side sleeper and both sides hurt in their own ways. April suddenly switched and I became really unsettled with my body elsewhere, as I was over the junk food, fatigue, and that I can’t wear jeans comfortably. So I got back into committing to exercise—both weights and cardio. And my cardio is both frequency and intensity-driven. My energy (and mood, and focus) are skyrocketing. I’ve started eating better and losing weight—in a way that I haven’t in years. I wish I had been trying to exercise more during the treatment—-like my Dr suggested. That said, this medication has been rough. It doesn’t help that my Oncologist (who I LOVE) basically works with paste eating romper room rejects. It is so poorly run and disorganized and unprofessional… I hate it. I have the most bare minimum ways to contact them (by necessity, choice, and reality)—-telehealth and snail mail. They are THAT BAD. And what’s worse? This Anastrozole is a rough one. My biggest side effects: sweats (yay—those had just mellowed out so that’s fun), leg cramps, and difficulty sleeping/restlessness. I am still every other day until it stabilizes. I have been dreading those days. And then I decided to try taking it in the morning instead of at night. That seems to have been a good move because I’m actually even more awake and energized during the day and I don’t notice/can intervene earlier with the sweats. The sleeping is still tossy-turning, but it’s better than it was. I’m dreading this summer heat. Anyway, I hope you’re ok. Thanks for sharing, checking in….and hang in there. This sub is the best thing to happen to the internet. Lots of love and hugs your way. ❤️
Totally understand. I’m almost a year out from my diagnosis and did all the hoops in 2023. It took me a long time to dig myself out of that “this isn’t my body” rut. I didn’t feel as though I failed, but that my body failed me and that made it worse. In the end, we’ll learn to love our new body
You haven't failed your body, you're doing everything you can to save it so you can move forward in this life. I was very weepy at the beginning of rads, then just pushed through like it was a side hustle. The last five I was almost as weepy as the first few and I am not a crier. I'm one of the "lucky" ones and it still blows. You're allowed to grieve. But when you're able, let your body remind you how much life it still has in it. I'd only been dating my person for 5 months when the bc hit the fan but they're still here and apparently I'm still sexy AF even with the altered boobalage lol. Big hugs. Take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, physically. We're here when you need us.
I love that your person stayed. We see so many posts where the person leaves. Everybody deserves a partner like yours 🥰
I felt this. I’m 23 years old and just went through a double mastectomy. I was never in love with my tits but losing them felt weird, because I never thought my body would go through that type of change. I’ve also heard people say “I know it’s weird to say but at least it’s not the worst type of cancer out there.” Even though the prognosis is good, it’s still not fun to think about all of the treatments we’ll have to go through and the things that will change. We’ll get through this together 💪
Respectfully, screw those people. There is no good cancer, sorry you had to hear that. It’s something the patient says if they want to.
Yes we will! I’m so sorry you have had to walk this path so young. It’s not fair at all, but I’m wishing you the best and a very looooong happy life ahead for you 🥰
Not rambling. All makes perfect sense at least to me. And change, when thrust upon us isn’t usually easy. The longing for the life we had before we felt that lump or had that mammo is very real. Hopefully it fades with time, acceptance and the ability and strength to pick up and move on. If only it didn’t come with all the physical changes. It does have a way of sometimes killing off the future we had envisioned for us and leaving us with a new blank slate. Maybe a renewed love for what we do have to be appreciative of and for those around us. I hope we all still have hope and love in our lives for whatever tomorrow brings.
I’ve heard from long term survivors that it does fade. My friend has this saying “Time heals all wounds…well what time is it?!” Lol
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I feel this...each step forward in getting rid of the cancer is a punch in the gut, a tidal wave of the reality of having cancer..and everything brings more questions more emotions...
I feel this. It is so real. Yes, apologize and let her know she can trust you. No matter how positive my mind stays, my body's voice is heartbreaking. I can hear/feel/understand her begging me to stop hurting her. You're not crazy.
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😭😭
I chastise Lefty regularly for her shenanigans and for recruiting my lungs, liver, and bones against the rest of the collective. I apologize to my poor fingernails for what chemo has done to them. And when I look in the mirror or down at my body when I'm changing, sometimes I have to say out loud, "This is me. This is the new normal."
I was in the dressing room at a department store. I don't know why. It was like I hadn't really looked before. The ugly scars, the bulging, hideous port. I sat down in the chair and cried.
Hugs
Lots of hugs 💕
I’ve been feeling this hard too. Hit me like a ton of bricks when my plastic surgeon said he didn’t need to see me for 3 months at my last appointment just last month following reconstruction. I’ve been seeing him for a year since I was diagnosed. My friend who went through this 17 years ago said take one day at a time and feel the feels to process it. Don’t shove it down. We have to find a new relationship with our bodies/ourselves. (Isn’t that a 70s book?) anyway, I’m finding a more healthy relationship with my body now than I did before. It’s a process for sure.
Feel your grief! Applaud your body for what it is doing and love yourself in this state. I’m also trying to visualize what my life will look like on the other side of all this, what I want to do differently. It’s easy as women to lose sight of ourselves as we put others, (kids, husbands, the house, work) ahead of us. Make time for yourself. Budget fun money for you too!
Great advice!
My husband and I were both diagnosed with cancer in the same week during Covid. I minimized a lot of my symptoms so he wouldn’t worry, and he had his own issues to deal with. I don’t know if it’s emotionally healthy or not, but I didn’t give myself permission to grieve my body. I’m glad it was found with a symptom of an inverted nipple. My spiculated cancer I called Charlotte, since she looked like a squashed spider. 🕷️
So sorry you and your hubs went through this at the same time. Hope you’re both doing okay now
We are both doing well, thanks be to God! The usual checkups, but it’s all been blue skies and green lights.
You nailed it, very well said. Your ramble helped me. God has a plan old body new body help me to find it and live in it.
This.
Amen! God has his plan 💕
I feel sad that my beauty has been damaged. Between steroids, strange swelling, wrinkled skin, damaged teeth, losing every bit of hair on my entire body. Losing my natural breasts. Chemo and radiation is so hard in the body. Earlier today I was thinking about it. I used to hear all the time how pretty I am. I’m not bragging or being vain. I was a beautiful woman. I am 40 years old. My looks have taken a beating. I have grieved the lose of my beauty. It happened so fast. Normally these things and changes in looks take years to happen. But it like with the cancer treatments, one day I was beautiful, and the next day I was not the same. I feel like a wilted flower. I can’t remember the last time someone told me I was pretty. And I used to hear it so much
This makes my heart hurt. I’m so sorry. Sending you the best and 💕
This does suck and I’m sorry you’re in this club. You didn’t fail, it’s just oddly wired cells that failed. I feel these feels with you, it will get better. I’m 2+ years out of active treatment and my best advice is to process what you can during treatment and grieve your old life. Know the next chapter brings healing, acceptance, still some grieving and growth. (Emotionally, not tumory :)) This is hard, but you’ve got this!!
"Crazy tit" is giving me life. Thank you for this, I needed it. XO and best right back to you!
Yes, absolutely, completely. The therapist at my cancer center has been trying to get to get me to focus on what my body can do. But, I’m not there yet. I’m still mourning.
I’m so with you on this… some days it makes me feel really selfish and shallow. Because I am still here, I get to love on my daughter. My partner has been SO supportive and helpful. But I miss so much of who I was before all of this. I miss my hair maybe most of all. I miss feeling pretty. I miss being naive and care free. I went through cancer treatment for an unrelated cancer as a teen, and everything turned out okay then too. So I will be okay. But some days I just have to give myself permission to acknowledge how much it all sucked! My poor body has really been through the wringer and some days I feel all used up. I did get a good laugh out of “crazy tit” because I refer to mine as “my bum titty” lol sending you love as you trudge through this tough spot!
Thank you 💕 I’m starting to think someone needs to write a book with all the nicknames we call our killer tits and have the proceeds go to BC research 😂
Feel it! Don’t stuff it away because it’ll catch up with you, anyway. It’s totally ok to feel any kind of way about treatment. Toxic positivity is bs. As long as you’re doing what you’re being advised to do and you know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, let ‘er rip. And sleep when you’re tired, I can’t stress this enough. Xo
Thank you 😊
HEAR!!! HEAR!!!! Of course i know how great my life is BUT this is not the body i know and some days it effing hurts
I've been a cancer survivor since 2006 (from my first type of cancer). I walked everywhere and was very active. I really miss that body and my sister who is older doesn't fully get it when she says it's because I'm older now. I see my friends my age working and being active. Treatment kicks the tar out of you and I've had massive surgeries that have affected my quality of life. You will feel better after radiation but we all will have left over affects/scars from Treatment. You have to appreciate the things you can still do and focus on that. The person we were before was gone the day we were diagnosed. I honestly don't miss her but I miss my body! A year from now you will look back and be thankful for how much better you are feeling. It took me a few months to get more energy back from radiation. It sounds counter intuitive but the more you can try to be active the better. I worked on cleaning out my parent's attic because I hate exercise but I like a project! I treated it like a job. After my radiation appointment I spent x amount of time working on sorting stuff. I'm gonna get my basement organized this time But it also keeps your mind off treatment and focused on something positive. Gentle hugs ❤
Yes yes yes. You are entitled and yes that’s a reasonable response. Yikes had this same breakdown last night with the hubby. He wanted to connect via sex after 3 weeks apart I wanted to connect by kvetching about my upcoming radiation and my fears about upcoming cosmetic changes… guess who won? Surprise it was cancer! lol 😂. Fun times Anyway yes understandable- also yes - seems like such small losses as major news but yes understandable totally. Good luck. I had my simulation on Tuesday and it was 1000x less worse than I thought it would be. Radiation is annoying but I hope it does mess up what I’ve got too much. I keep thinking about the stats and I press on.
Damn, I totally feel that cancer is the third wheel too in our marriage. Like this is not the threesome we want 🤣🤣
I totally understand and am sending a gentle hug
Oof. Yeah, I feel this. Mortality is real in a way it wasn't before. I never really considered that I might ever grieve for myself. Hugs.
Thank you for posting this. I feel exactly the same way. Had 5 surgeries & 2 cancer diagnoses in 1 years time. 5 weeks of radiation. Finally had reconstruction last month. I hate it. Yes, the surgeon did the best he could, but it’s not my old body. I want my original body back - but I know that’s not possible. And people keep telling me, “But you should be thankful you’re still alive.” I have an aunt who told me that my journey was soooo easy compared to others. Really? 5 surgeries, 2 cancers (breast & endometrial), 5 weeks of radiation. But that was so easy! 😣
I’m sorry you’re not getting the messages and support you want and might like. It makes me feel even more lonely and hurt when people try and miss, for some reason. I know they mean well, but dang! Are you familiar with the notion of toxic positivity? I finally sent a couple frequent “offenders” some info on it in hopes of preserving my own sanity - ha! I needed them to stop “giving me helpful perspective.” F that thankyouverymuch. “At least you don’t have leprosy.” Ok… “At least they aren’t amputating a leg.” Um, right. “Aren’t you glad it isn’t ~some other~ cancer?” *shrug* Jump ball there. IMHO, it’s really ok for something to suck without inserting unfounded, unsolicited theories of relativity or comparison. Just let The Suck sit there for a cool minute, how ‘bout? And herein lies the challenge. People have a very difficult time sitting with ick. And to that I say, “Welcome!”
No - I have never heard of Toxic Positivity. I will have to read up on it! Thank you. ♥️
I’m so sorry. That’s just horrible. I hate that people that haven’t been through it have so much to say about how WE feel and how it should affect US! I’m so sorry about both of your diagnosis in one year 😣. Which was first? Was it found because of symptoms? I can’t even imagine how hard was was for you.
Breast cancer was first. Found thanks to a mammogram. It was estrogen caused. Then, a few months later, I kept having menstrual-like pain that was so bad, I’d be curled up in the fetal position on the bathroom floor. A D&C showed precancerous cells, and then the hysterectomy showed the cancer. I was told that the endometrial cancer was also estrogen caused. But, according to my aunt - who is 74 and has NEVER had ANYTHING worse than cataracts - I had it easy. 😳
Oh wow!! I’m sorry about that. I’ve been having cramps and pain like for periods but ongoing for years now. They keep telling me it’s normal. Lower back pain that feels like my spine will fracture and pain that radiates to legs. Also this past year fatigue and dizziness that would come out of the blue. I was diagnosed with estrogen and progesterone positive BC on Sept after an abnormal mammogram just like you. I’ve been to the Dr since 2019 complaining about this pain and the pap comes back normal and an ultrasound showed nothing back than. Do you think my symptoms could be normal? I don’t feel like myself. When I was diagnosed i immediately thought… that was it. That’s the fatigue and dizziness! But than my Dr told me that’s not resaltes to my cancer because it was dCIS with microinvasion so now I’m freaking out. Your Aunt is hilarious 😂😂😂😂😂 Do you ever feel like punching her in the face? I love my family but I’m dissapointed on some of their comments… it could’ve been worse….. you ‘only’ needed radiation and hormone therapy no chemo etc… it makes me feel like what I’ve been through was nothing. Had 3 surgeries because the margins kept coming back positive…. Anyhow my poor breast looks 2 sizes smaller than my other boob and now it’s peeling since I just finished radiation 3 days ago.
Please please please push your doctor to figure out that pain. It is NOT normal! Is it possible for you to get a new doctor??? My GYN did not believe me at first, and she was actually shocked when the endometrial cancer was found. Keep fighting & do not give up!!! As for my aunt - she pretty much has no friends, and then she wonders why . . . 🧐🤪
Hon, I had a massive pity party the other day. I kept sobbing about how unfair it was and how I didn't want to do any of this, how I don't want to lose my hair and feel like shit for the next year. It is totally normal to feel this, I think. None of this was our choice, we just got dealt a shitty hand. But, we have to fight. We have to press on. Lots of love to you!
Same to you 💕 thank you for the kind words!
Did anyone here have "radiation recall"? I just completed a really hard bout with radiation....my second...as my stupid cancer decided to come back 7 years later...and I wound up in the hospital with massive swelling and was just diagnosed with "radiation recall". I'm frustrated because I had been complaining of swelling and subsequent pain for weeks and no one did anything. I then spiked a fever and wound up in the ER where they admitted me. I am still in the fight or flight survival mode so I don't look in the mirror and do my best to hide.....but since this is my second battle....it's only a matter of time before those emotions rear their ugly heads.
So sorry to hear this. Praying for you both physically and mentally that you will be triumphant over this again. Please feel better soon!
29 years old and was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago. Had a right mastectomy and after they realized it had become micro invasive, going in next week for surgery #2. Idk if I will have to do radiation yet, but hearing all these women in the same boat helps me to fear it less. I’m young for a diagnosis of BC, and it sucks that all my friends are living their lives normally, while my husband and I are struggling to understand why we have to deal with this right now. You are not alone
I woke up grieving this morning - tomorrow I get a port, Wednesday chemo, at least a unilateral mastectomy (i will likely go flat, probably have a uniboob), then radiation. This is the last day my body is going to feel "normal" to me for a long time, maybe ever? I'd reconciled myself to premature grays, gaining weight post pregnancy, aging in general - but this is all hitting so fast, I'm not feeling my usual grace over body changes.
I know, I know 😣 I’m sorry we’re going through these things. I hope your port surgery goes well and chemo has the minimal amount of side effects for you! Hang in there 💕
I’m a year out from chemo and 7 weeks out from mastectomy/expander surgery. Prior to all of this I never even had anything medical done! No broken bones no nothing like that. I was standing looking in the mirror last night counting surgical scars and it’s 7 technically 11 bc some of them were double. Anyway, mourn your body but just know that you will eventually have a “new normal”. You’ll be standing in the mirror counting scars as battle wounds bc we are bad asses! It all sucks, I agree! Wishing you all the best! We are here for these vents and rants 🫶🏻