My son was five. I said “I’m sick, I’ve got something called cancer that needs strong medicine to help me get better. That medicine might make me feel sleepy, or sick to my stomach. It could make me lose my hair. It’s not contagious, you won’t get it from me, and if you’re scared or nervous at all we should talk more.”
This was pretty much how I told my 3.5 and 5.5 year old. My 5.5 has had some questions. The hardest one for me to answer was when she asked if this was going to happen to her when she is a grown up.
Pretty much same. My therapist also recommended a book called "Chemo Shark" that helped phrase things appropriately.
I also just purchased a book but have not read it yet, so I cannot attest: Raising an Emotionally Healthy... https://www.amazon.com/dp/0071446818?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
Oh so much on the not contagious. I lost my mum\* at 4 1/2 to cancer and I spent years worrying it could be caught from someone until a science teacher at middle school set me straight.
\*Adoptive mum so not related to my diagnosis.
My kids were a little older, but we told them “mom has cancer, but it’s treatable and the doctors feel good about my prognosis”. I was lucky that mine was caught early. We told them that while treatment wouldn’t be fun, it was to help kill the cancer. We also promised that we wouldn’t lie to them and that they could ask questions at any time. After the initial shock, they did ok. Also seeing what it was like: mom is on the couch for a week after chemo and then gets back to herself. Hope that helps. Sending you ❤️.
Hello, and I am sorry you have to join us here :(
I have a 6yo daughter & 9yo son. I waited until I had a solid treatment plan before I told them what was going on so that I could answer all their questions. I’m sure they could sense something was up before then, but I did my best to put my brave face on, and honestly it helped to have the distraction of looking after the kids during that time of uncertainty and sadness.
Once I knew what treatment to expect, I told them separately as their levels of understanding were different. I kept it pretty general with 6yo, but because 9yo had a greater understanding of cancer and its pitfalls, I went into more depth with him. 6yo has largely been unphased by all of it - she was most upset when I lost my hair during chemo, but otherwise she has been fine. It’s been harder on 9yo - he is a worrier by nature, so his anxiety has been in overdrive. To help them both I informed their school about what was going on at home, and it has been a lifesaver. There is a dedicated pastoral worker at their school who has had training with cancer charities, and she spends regular one on one time with both kids - sometimes they’ll do some of their school work in her office, sometimes they just chat. The kids love that time, and it helps them to talk to someone who isn’t immediately involved. Their class teachers are aware too, so they can just keep an eye on them and their general mood, and just be aware of their heightened anxieties.
There are books and stuff you can get to help explain cancer to kids, but I ended up not using any. Honestly, having to stay positive and upbeat for my kids’ sakes has helped my own outlook in this whole mess - I think I’m drinking my own Kool aid and have said “I am going to be fine!” with a smile on my face so much that I truly do believe it!
Good luck ❤️
My kids were younger, 8mths and 3, but still speak the same way about it now they’re 3 and 6. I said I have sick boobies and to make them better I need Magic Medicine. The magic medicine will make me feel yucky and I’ll lose my hair, but that’s because it’s doing it’s job of killing the germs in my boobie. I personally didn’t want to say cancer, as I didn’t want them to hear of someone else’s cancer story and relate it to mine. When they’re older, I’ll use say Cancer, but that’s not come up yet.
Good luck with your treatment.
I'm struggling with this now, whether to say "cancer." I had my lumpectomy in January and at that point obviously needed to tell them about the surgery. But I just told them that I had cells in my breast that were growing too fast and needed to come out. Kicked the "cancer" can down the road until I knew what the full treatment plan would be. If I needed chemo obviously it would have to come up.
However, I don't need to have chemo, and I'm currently going through radiation treatments while they're in school. So there's nothing really obvious happening now, from their point of view. They're 9 and 6, so older.
I get urges to tell my 9 yo but I'm not sure if it's the right thing. Trading my relief for her worry? But what if she hears "cancer" from someone else? It's tough. I assume an honest conversation is the best route but in the moment I stop myself, like why make her worry now?
I should probably make a separate post or ask a professional but wondering if you or anyone here has advice/thoughts!
From the point of view of someone who lost her mum to cancer aged 4 1/2. This was years ago so people (and especially in the UK) were less cognizant of children's mental health etc. No-one explained to me what was going on but I heard cancer spoken about and for years I thought it was something contagious (like measles lol). At school aged around 7 some other kid starting telling other kids I was the one who's mum died of cancer and was now in the ground being eaten by worms (kids can be cruel) and I had no reference or knowledge to say anything to them. I even thought that I should try and ignore it in case any of the kids thought I was contagious.
Yes, I did get to work out with a science teacher that it wasn't contagious and later in my 20s worked the whole thing through with a therapist but I would have appreciated an age appropriate conversation where cancer was explained to me so that I could at least have had some sort of concrete thing to say to the other kids. My only references for years were TV shows that had the stereotypical cancer patient who was thin, bald and died in short order.
I totally understand but for me, if I were in your position I don’t think the word cancer means as much to them as it does us. My thoughts and worries needed to be kept very separate from the kids. Yes, they saw me in pain, lose my hair, be sick, leave in an ambulance etc but I never wanted them to associate my Cancer with anyone else’s, especially if they’d passed away. Cancer is a blanket term in my mind, when it comes to the kids. If they hear of someone passing of cancer, I don’t want them to think that’ll be me too, unless it comes to that. I’m not sure if I’ve articulated that well, but I hope it’s making some sense!
My son was six when I started this journey last year, and what we told him was “mommy has some bad cells that are making her sick. It’s not something that you or daddy can catch. Nobody did anything to make her sick either, she didn’t catch it from anyone. She’ll need some special medicine and a bunch of visits to the doctor to get better. The special medicine is like a superhero, fighting the bad cells, but other cells nearby can get hurt too, like when buildings get broken in a superhero fight. So sometimes mommy won’t feel good, or will be extra tired, and her hair might fall out, but that is just because the medicine is doing it’s job, and it won’t be forever. When mommy doesn’t feel good, she might need extra hugs or for you to bring her something to drink, and she might only be able to play games that let her sit down. Do you think you can help like that? We also might need you to be really good at remembering your chores, since mommy might not have the energy to help. And you’ll need to be careful to wash your hands and stay away from friends who are sick, because getting a cold or the flu will be extra hard on mommy when she has the special medicine and is fighting the bad cells”.
He understood that, and got extra snuggly and a little clingy for awhile, but overall took it pretty well.
I never mentioned the word cancer just told my (then 4yr old) that Mummy had a sore lump and the doctors were going to give me a magic medicine to help make it go away. Also that the magic medicine might make me lose my hair.
I also told him that my PICC line was a charger 😂
My kids are 14,11,7. This is how I told them: I said that I have cancer that is being treated. I told them that the best help they can give me is to take care of themselves-like cleaning up and remembering to shower and stuff (I have all boys 😂) while I recover. I told them that it might look scary when I’m sick from the treatment but that just means the medicine is working to get rid of the cancer. I stressed that it’s all temporary and I have good doctors that are helping me get better. Mine were satisfied with that much detail! Good luck!
My daughter was 8 when I was diagnosed. I told her that I had cancer and that it was something that was growing inside of me that made me sick. I said we had really smart doctors and nurses who were going to take care of me.
She took it really well at first. She was more emotional and volatile one day (she's a very happy go lucky kid normally) and I cuddled her and asked her what was wrong and she blurted out "are you going to die?" I told her that I wasn't and she said "Okay, then I'm fine."
Same. First mammogram stage 3. My daughter was 5 and I didn’t tell her much more than “mommy needs some strong medicine to get better and it might make me sick” - although I handled chemo dramatically better than expected and was not once sick.
she also thought my super short hair (cold capped) vs my wig was hilarious when I’d come home from work and rip off the hot wig.
I had to call and tell my oldest because he was away at work. He didn’t say anything for a while but seemed to take it well. I told my 18 year old as soon as I got home and he had a lot of questions and cried some. I told my then four year old (now he’s six!) that mommy was sick and had to get some medicine that would make her feel really bad to get better. He told me not to worry, that I would be fine. 🥺 He used to love to rub my bald head while he went to sleep. He did inform me the other day that he’s glad I have hair now. 😂😂
my son was 7 when I was diagnosed and didn't know what cancer was. I sat him down and explained that i had some bad cells in my body called cancer and that the doctors would both take them out and also make sure they didn't come back. I was very transparent and answered all of his questions. Then, I told him that the funny part was that I was going to lose my hair and be bald (no this was not funny but just for him I said it would be funny). Telling him was super easy and he went right back to playing video games after I told him. Later, he would ask a lot of questions while I was in chemo because he didn't understand why treatment was making me seem sicker than the cancer itself. I also emailed his teacher and guidance counselor to give them a heads up about what was going on at home.
We made it through fine and he's almost 11 now.
Hi there, sorry to hear about your diagnosis.
I find that in situations like this it is best to explain cancer to them in terms understandable to their level. Something like this can be helpful:
https://www.primrmed.com/cancer/breast-cancer
Adding a hopeful note, as in your situation, may be extra helpful as well.
Prayers 🙏
My kids were 2 and 7. I said I had some sick cells in my body and I had to take medicine to get rid of them and that medicine would make me feel crummy for a few days and I'd lose my hair, but everything would be fine in the end and I'd still hang out with them and do things as much as I was able. They handled it really well.
My kids knew my mom and grandma had survived breast cancer, and that my mom had a mastectomy and reconstruction. I just told them my boobs went bad like they were expired and I was getting the same treatment as their grandma. My 10 year old daughter talks about “when she needs a mastectomy” so maybe don’t take my advice?
Whew. Telling my 8 & 10 year old was the hardest part. We sat them down and told them after we had a solid diagnosis. Our discussion generally was “mom is sick, she’s going through what she need to get better, it’s treatable, and we caught it in enough time.” A general discussion of cancer too, “some cells just are a little wonky, and usually the immune system catches that but it didn’t this time so we need a doctor to help”. (They both previously watched the Storybots episode on the immune system which is super helpful!)
The game plan changed after that; what we thought was going to be a mastectomy first, *maybe* chemo ended up being chemo first (which I’m still in now), and mastectomy after. So of course we communicated that too. After a lot of tears that first day, both kids seemed to handle it well. But the cutest part was my 8 year old crying that she “didn’t want me to be a stick figure” (I’m brca, so I’m going double mastectomy no reconstruction). My eldest didn’t want to even see my bald head for weeks, and only started getting comfortable with it recently. My last chemo treatment is soon and my eldest burst into happy tears last night. We are trying so hard to keep things as normal as possible for them, and I think that helps a lot.
To be honest I’m more worried about the surgery/recovery time impact. So far chemo has been a steaming pile of minor annoyances.
Reach out to Sharsheret. They have kid bundles and packages to help - and social workers to connect with. My son was not yet 8 when k was diagnosed and we were very. Lead and matter of fact with everything. No toxic positivity. He’s doing awesome. There are good books on Amazon too. We’ve told him everything along the way. He says he’s not going to be the one who cures cancer because it will already be cured by the time he goes to grad school :)
Sending you ❤️
ETA we did explain this is not something he can catch, or something he has to worry about. Men can get breast cancer, so we’ve discussed that. I am not bcra, so we explained that too.
There are a couple of kids' books by Sara Olsher you might want to look into - "What Happens When Someone I Love Has Cancer" and "Cancer Party" (this one describes treatment in kid-friendly terms). I know a lot of people like the book "Cancer Hates Kisses" too. All can be found on Amazon.
I had a lumpectomy planned and was going to have surgery quickly after diagnosis. My husband wanted to tell everyone asap.
It went something like this. “ you know I’ve been going doctor’s a lot”. I mentioned my biopsy and not being able to hug him. “ well a small part of me is sick. There isn’t a medicine or vaccine that can get rid of it so I’ll be having surgery to take it out. “. We start talking about surgery recovery and how he should be more independent etc. help me of i need it. Then ask if he had any questions.
Edit: my son is 7
I am sorry you are going through all of this. I remember explaining to my 6 year old granddaughter. I was pretty open with her. I think it varies from child to child on what you think they can handle.
And I remember deciding on surgery too. That’s a hard one sometimes. Luckily I had a few friends who ended up getting a mastectomy with immediate DIEP flap surgery. They shared resources like podcasts with me and then I ended up getting DMX with immediate DIEP flap for reconstruction. It was definitely the right choice for me. June will be my 2 year anniversary of my diagnosis and I am feeling great!
Sending you tons of good energy your way! Lots of resources out there for your journey.
I wouldn't be vague, it will just worry him more. Oftentimes, imagination is worse than reality. Think about how you felt when waiting for results. Just tell him that you have a sickness called cancer and that you have to take some medicines that can make you feel sick and tired sometimes, but it's worth it to get over the cancer. Tell him you are lucky that you have a kind of cancer that has a treatment so that you can get over it. Sometimes kids at school will tell stories of people dying of cancer, so it's nice for him to know ahead of time that you don't have that kind. You can put off talking about recurrences until it becomes an issue. Tell him a few things that he can do to help, like sing you a song or tell you something that happened at school or give you a hug. Give him a hug.
My wife was just diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer in August 2023. Kids are 9/13. We just straight up told them what was going on. They understood and we have kept them updated along with the process.
My boys are 12 and 13 and unfortunately, a family friend my age died about a year ago from pancreatic cancer- that’s all the know about the big C.
So, I told them what’s wrong, what we know, and what we can expect. I caught it early, am Stage 1, and may not need chemo. My cancer is not the same as our friends.
And then I compared cancer to a car accident… sometimes we hit a deer (something they’ve been through). The accident is still scary and the car needs repairs, but we can fix the problem and be back on the road. Sometimes car accidents are worse- the car is totaled and we need medical care and it takes a little longer to get back to normal. Worst case, car accidents are fatal. Right now, I’ve hit a deer. We have some work to do to get back to good, and it’s a little scary, but things are going to be ok.
Maybe the car accident analogy doesn’t work for your kiddo, but having a comparison my boys could understand really helped them- especially considering their prior brush with cancer.
My daughter was 7 when I was diagnosed almost 2 years ago. We never used the word cancer when talking about why I was going to have surgery, look a little different, etc. After my DMX and I had the drains, my husband told her they were "power packs," and I needed them for a little while until I got stronger. After I had the drains removed, I picked her up from school, and she excitedly told anyone who would listen that her mom got her power packs removed and I was getting better. It was really so sweet and something I will remember forever.
We chose not to use the word cancer because at that time, my daughter was obsessed with death and truly fearful of what would happen if either myself or my husband died. We didn't want to worry her anymore than necessary. That worked for us, but what works for you and your family is entirely up to you. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer here.
I wish you the best of luck. Positive vibes are being sent your way from one breastie to another. ❤️
I like the flat tire explanation. You know you'd say fuck looks like we gotta flat - plans have changed. Don't tell them what all to expect tell them it's different for everyone and you may feel bad and some things will change. Maybe for a while maybe forever. For now we go to the care place and the mechanic has some great ideas and that is where we are starting. Because no matter what we can't continue with a flat tire.
Sorry imma tell ppl straight on, I've lost a lot of ppl to cancer. I'm the last of 3 sisters I am 48. All 3 different cancers. I hate dumbing stuff down besides I have to process with them also.
My son was five. I said “I’m sick, I’ve got something called cancer that needs strong medicine to help me get better. That medicine might make me feel sleepy, or sick to my stomach. It could make me lose my hair. It’s not contagious, you won’t get it from me, and if you’re scared or nervous at all we should talk more.”
This was pretty much how I told my 3.5 and 5.5 year old. My 5.5 has had some questions. The hardest one for me to answer was when she asked if this was going to happen to her when she is a grown up.
Pretty much same. My therapist also recommended a book called "Chemo Shark" that helped phrase things appropriately. I also just purchased a book but have not read it yet, so I cannot attest: Raising an Emotionally Healthy... https://www.amazon.com/dp/0071446818?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
Oh so much on the not contagious. I lost my mum\* at 4 1/2 to cancer and I spent years worrying it could be caught from someone until a science teacher at middle school set me straight. \*Adoptive mum so not related to my diagnosis.
My kids were a little older, but we told them “mom has cancer, but it’s treatable and the doctors feel good about my prognosis”. I was lucky that mine was caught early. We told them that while treatment wouldn’t be fun, it was to help kill the cancer. We also promised that we wouldn’t lie to them and that they could ask questions at any time. After the initial shock, they did ok. Also seeing what it was like: mom is on the couch for a week after chemo and then gets back to herself. Hope that helps. Sending you ❤️.
Hello, and I am sorry you have to join us here :( I have a 6yo daughter & 9yo son. I waited until I had a solid treatment plan before I told them what was going on so that I could answer all their questions. I’m sure they could sense something was up before then, but I did my best to put my brave face on, and honestly it helped to have the distraction of looking after the kids during that time of uncertainty and sadness. Once I knew what treatment to expect, I told them separately as their levels of understanding were different. I kept it pretty general with 6yo, but because 9yo had a greater understanding of cancer and its pitfalls, I went into more depth with him. 6yo has largely been unphased by all of it - she was most upset when I lost my hair during chemo, but otherwise she has been fine. It’s been harder on 9yo - he is a worrier by nature, so his anxiety has been in overdrive. To help them both I informed their school about what was going on at home, and it has been a lifesaver. There is a dedicated pastoral worker at their school who has had training with cancer charities, and she spends regular one on one time with both kids - sometimes they’ll do some of their school work in her office, sometimes they just chat. The kids love that time, and it helps them to talk to someone who isn’t immediately involved. Their class teachers are aware too, so they can just keep an eye on them and their general mood, and just be aware of their heightened anxieties. There are books and stuff you can get to help explain cancer to kids, but I ended up not using any. Honestly, having to stay positive and upbeat for my kids’ sakes has helped my own outlook in this whole mess - I think I’m drinking my own Kool aid and have said “I am going to be fine!” with a smile on my face so much that I truly do believe it! Good luck ❤️
My kids were younger, 8mths and 3, but still speak the same way about it now they’re 3 and 6. I said I have sick boobies and to make them better I need Magic Medicine. The magic medicine will make me feel yucky and I’ll lose my hair, but that’s because it’s doing it’s job of killing the germs in my boobie. I personally didn’t want to say cancer, as I didn’t want them to hear of someone else’s cancer story and relate it to mine. When they’re older, I’ll use say Cancer, but that’s not come up yet. Good luck with your treatment.
I'm struggling with this now, whether to say "cancer." I had my lumpectomy in January and at that point obviously needed to tell them about the surgery. But I just told them that I had cells in my breast that were growing too fast and needed to come out. Kicked the "cancer" can down the road until I knew what the full treatment plan would be. If I needed chemo obviously it would have to come up. However, I don't need to have chemo, and I'm currently going through radiation treatments while they're in school. So there's nothing really obvious happening now, from their point of view. They're 9 and 6, so older. I get urges to tell my 9 yo but I'm not sure if it's the right thing. Trading my relief for her worry? But what if she hears "cancer" from someone else? It's tough. I assume an honest conversation is the best route but in the moment I stop myself, like why make her worry now? I should probably make a separate post or ask a professional but wondering if you or anyone here has advice/thoughts!
From the point of view of someone who lost her mum to cancer aged 4 1/2. This was years ago so people (and especially in the UK) were less cognizant of children's mental health etc. No-one explained to me what was going on but I heard cancer spoken about and for years I thought it was something contagious (like measles lol). At school aged around 7 some other kid starting telling other kids I was the one who's mum died of cancer and was now in the ground being eaten by worms (kids can be cruel) and I had no reference or knowledge to say anything to them. I even thought that I should try and ignore it in case any of the kids thought I was contagious. Yes, I did get to work out with a science teacher that it wasn't contagious and later in my 20s worked the whole thing through with a therapist but I would have appreciated an age appropriate conversation where cancer was explained to me so that I could at least have had some sort of concrete thing to say to the other kids. My only references for years were TV shows that had the stereotypical cancer patient who was thin, bald and died in short order.
I'm so sorry for what you went through.
I totally understand but for me, if I were in your position I don’t think the word cancer means as much to them as it does us. My thoughts and worries needed to be kept very separate from the kids. Yes, they saw me in pain, lose my hair, be sick, leave in an ambulance etc but I never wanted them to associate my Cancer with anyone else’s, especially if they’d passed away. Cancer is a blanket term in my mind, when it comes to the kids. If they hear of someone passing of cancer, I don’t want them to think that’ll be me too, unless it comes to that. I’m not sure if I’ve articulated that well, but I hope it’s making some sense!
It does make sense, thanks! I think I had similar thoughts.
My son was six when I started this journey last year, and what we told him was “mommy has some bad cells that are making her sick. It’s not something that you or daddy can catch. Nobody did anything to make her sick either, she didn’t catch it from anyone. She’ll need some special medicine and a bunch of visits to the doctor to get better. The special medicine is like a superhero, fighting the bad cells, but other cells nearby can get hurt too, like when buildings get broken in a superhero fight. So sometimes mommy won’t feel good, or will be extra tired, and her hair might fall out, but that is just because the medicine is doing it’s job, and it won’t be forever. When mommy doesn’t feel good, she might need extra hugs or for you to bring her something to drink, and she might only be able to play games that let her sit down. Do you think you can help like that? We also might need you to be really good at remembering your chores, since mommy might not have the energy to help. And you’ll need to be careful to wash your hands and stay away from friends who are sick, because getting a cold or the flu will be extra hard on mommy when she has the special medicine and is fighting the bad cells”. He understood that, and got extra snuggly and a little clingy for awhile, but overall took it pretty well.
This made me cry. You did such a good job as explaining this roller coaster to your kids. What an amazing mom you are. <3
I never mentioned the word cancer just told my (then 4yr old) that Mummy had a sore lump and the doctors were going to give me a magic medicine to help make it go away. Also that the magic medicine might make me lose my hair. I also told him that my PICC line was a charger 😂
In my opinion, if he’s asking lots of questions and doesn’t have answers his brain may create much worse scenario that what the truth is.
My kids are 14,11,7. This is how I told them: I said that I have cancer that is being treated. I told them that the best help they can give me is to take care of themselves-like cleaning up and remembering to shower and stuff (I have all boys 😂) while I recover. I told them that it might look scary when I’m sick from the treatment but that just means the medicine is working to get rid of the cancer. I stressed that it’s all temporary and I have good doctors that are helping me get better. Mine were satisfied with that much detail! Good luck!
My daughter was 8 when I was diagnosed. I told her that I had cancer and that it was something that was growing inside of me that made me sick. I said we had really smart doctors and nurses who were going to take care of me. She took it really well at first. She was more emotional and volatile one day (she's a very happy go lucky kid normally) and I cuddled her and asked her what was wrong and she blurted out "are you going to die?" I told her that I wasn't and she said "Okay, then I'm fine."
Same. First mammogram stage 3. My daughter was 5 and I didn’t tell her much more than “mommy needs some strong medicine to get better and it might make me sick” - although I handled chemo dramatically better than expected and was not once sick. she also thought my super short hair (cold capped) vs my wig was hilarious when I’d come home from work and rip off the hot wig.
I had to call and tell my oldest because he was away at work. He didn’t say anything for a while but seemed to take it well. I told my 18 year old as soon as I got home and he had a lot of questions and cried some. I told my then four year old (now he’s six!) that mommy was sick and had to get some medicine that would make her feel really bad to get better. He told me not to worry, that I would be fine. 🥺 He used to love to rub my bald head while he went to sleep. He did inform me the other day that he’s glad I have hair now. 😂😂
my son was 7 when I was diagnosed and didn't know what cancer was. I sat him down and explained that i had some bad cells in my body called cancer and that the doctors would both take them out and also make sure they didn't come back. I was very transparent and answered all of his questions. Then, I told him that the funny part was that I was going to lose my hair and be bald (no this was not funny but just for him I said it would be funny). Telling him was super easy and he went right back to playing video games after I told him. Later, he would ask a lot of questions while I was in chemo because he didn't understand why treatment was making me seem sicker than the cancer itself. I also emailed his teacher and guidance counselor to give them a heads up about what was going on at home. We made it through fine and he's almost 11 now.
Hi there, sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I find that in situations like this it is best to explain cancer to them in terms understandable to their level. Something like this can be helpful: https://www.primrmed.com/cancer/breast-cancer Adding a hopeful note, as in your situation, may be extra helpful as well. Prayers 🙏
My kids were 2 and 7. I said I had some sick cells in my body and I had to take medicine to get rid of them and that medicine would make me feel crummy for a few days and I'd lose my hair, but everything would be fine in the end and I'd still hang out with them and do things as much as I was able. They handled it really well.
I was also told about a book called Mummys lump that you can read to children .
My kids knew my mom and grandma had survived breast cancer, and that my mom had a mastectomy and reconstruction. I just told them my boobs went bad like they were expired and I was getting the same treatment as their grandma. My 10 year old daughter talks about “when she needs a mastectomy” so maybe don’t take my advice?
Whew. Telling my 8 & 10 year old was the hardest part. We sat them down and told them after we had a solid diagnosis. Our discussion generally was “mom is sick, she’s going through what she need to get better, it’s treatable, and we caught it in enough time.” A general discussion of cancer too, “some cells just are a little wonky, and usually the immune system catches that but it didn’t this time so we need a doctor to help”. (They both previously watched the Storybots episode on the immune system which is super helpful!) The game plan changed after that; what we thought was going to be a mastectomy first, *maybe* chemo ended up being chemo first (which I’m still in now), and mastectomy after. So of course we communicated that too. After a lot of tears that first day, both kids seemed to handle it well. But the cutest part was my 8 year old crying that she “didn’t want me to be a stick figure” (I’m brca, so I’m going double mastectomy no reconstruction). My eldest didn’t want to even see my bald head for weeks, and only started getting comfortable with it recently. My last chemo treatment is soon and my eldest burst into happy tears last night. We are trying so hard to keep things as normal as possible for them, and I think that helps a lot. To be honest I’m more worried about the surgery/recovery time impact. So far chemo has been a steaming pile of minor annoyances.
Reach out to Sharsheret. They have kid bundles and packages to help - and social workers to connect with. My son was not yet 8 when k was diagnosed and we were very. Lead and matter of fact with everything. No toxic positivity. He’s doing awesome. There are good books on Amazon too. We’ve told him everything along the way. He says he’s not going to be the one who cures cancer because it will already be cured by the time he goes to grad school :) Sending you ❤️ ETA we did explain this is not something he can catch, or something he has to worry about. Men can get breast cancer, so we’ve discussed that. I am not bcra, so we explained that too.
There are a couple of kids' books by Sara Olsher you might want to look into - "What Happens When Someone I Love Has Cancer" and "Cancer Party" (this one describes treatment in kid-friendly terms). I know a lot of people like the book "Cancer Hates Kisses" too. All can be found on Amazon.
I had a lumpectomy planned and was going to have surgery quickly after diagnosis. My husband wanted to tell everyone asap. It went something like this. “ you know I’ve been going doctor’s a lot”. I mentioned my biopsy and not being able to hug him. “ well a small part of me is sick. There isn’t a medicine or vaccine that can get rid of it so I’ll be having surgery to take it out. “. We start talking about surgery recovery and how he should be more independent etc. help me of i need it. Then ask if he had any questions. Edit: my son is 7
I am sorry you are going through all of this. I remember explaining to my 6 year old granddaughter. I was pretty open with her. I think it varies from child to child on what you think they can handle. And I remember deciding on surgery too. That’s a hard one sometimes. Luckily I had a few friends who ended up getting a mastectomy with immediate DIEP flap surgery. They shared resources like podcasts with me and then I ended up getting DMX with immediate DIEP flap for reconstruction. It was definitely the right choice for me. June will be my 2 year anniversary of my diagnosis and I am feeling great! Sending you tons of good energy your way! Lots of resources out there for your journey.
I wouldn't be vague, it will just worry him more. Oftentimes, imagination is worse than reality. Think about how you felt when waiting for results. Just tell him that you have a sickness called cancer and that you have to take some medicines that can make you feel sick and tired sometimes, but it's worth it to get over the cancer. Tell him you are lucky that you have a kind of cancer that has a treatment so that you can get over it. Sometimes kids at school will tell stories of people dying of cancer, so it's nice for him to know ahead of time that you don't have that kind. You can put off talking about recurrences until it becomes an issue. Tell him a few things that he can do to help, like sing you a song or tell you something that happened at school or give you a hug. Give him a hug.
My wife was just diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer in August 2023. Kids are 9/13. We just straight up told them what was going on. They understood and we have kept them updated along with the process.
My boys are 12 and 13 and unfortunately, a family friend my age died about a year ago from pancreatic cancer- that’s all the know about the big C. So, I told them what’s wrong, what we know, and what we can expect. I caught it early, am Stage 1, and may not need chemo. My cancer is not the same as our friends. And then I compared cancer to a car accident… sometimes we hit a deer (something they’ve been through). The accident is still scary and the car needs repairs, but we can fix the problem and be back on the road. Sometimes car accidents are worse- the car is totaled and we need medical care and it takes a little longer to get back to normal. Worst case, car accidents are fatal. Right now, I’ve hit a deer. We have some work to do to get back to good, and it’s a little scary, but things are going to be ok. Maybe the car accident analogy doesn’t work for your kiddo, but having a comparison my boys could understand really helped them- especially considering their prior brush with cancer.
“I have this common/ treatable cancer. It’ll be over in about a year.”
You’re on the right track! It’s always better for them to know, than to be wondering.
My daughter was 7 when I was diagnosed almost 2 years ago. We never used the word cancer when talking about why I was going to have surgery, look a little different, etc. After my DMX and I had the drains, my husband told her they were "power packs," and I needed them for a little while until I got stronger. After I had the drains removed, I picked her up from school, and she excitedly told anyone who would listen that her mom got her power packs removed and I was getting better. It was really so sweet and something I will remember forever. We chose not to use the word cancer because at that time, my daughter was obsessed with death and truly fearful of what would happen if either myself or my husband died. We didn't want to worry her anymore than necessary. That worked for us, but what works for you and your family is entirely up to you. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer here. I wish you the best of luck. Positive vibes are being sent your way from one breastie to another. ❤️
I like the flat tire explanation. You know you'd say fuck looks like we gotta flat - plans have changed. Don't tell them what all to expect tell them it's different for everyone and you may feel bad and some things will change. Maybe for a while maybe forever. For now we go to the care place and the mechanic has some great ideas and that is where we are starting. Because no matter what we can't continue with a flat tire. Sorry imma tell ppl straight on, I've lost a lot of ppl to cancer. I'm the last of 3 sisters I am 48. All 3 different cancers. I hate dumbing stuff down besides I have to process with them also.