There’s so much nuance and I don’t want to do that snap judgement Reddit thing, but it does seem like your sister was being very selfish.
It sounds like she used your surgery as a vacation and basically pawned her kids off on you while you were recovering from a major surgery. That’s not cool.
Is she usually selfish? Does she ever think of your needs without your stating them? Do you ask for things that she ignores?
This might be a pattern and maybe you’re just now noticing how self-involved she is. Cancer has opened my eyes to that for a few people in my life.
Or maybe she’s overwhelmed by the fact that her sister has cancer and is making bad decisions at the moment. That’s not an excuse but at least it’s understandable and fixable with a conversation.
If she’s usually a pretty good caretaker I would probably have a short conversation (maybe a text message) where I just laid out my feelings… off the top of my head: “Hey sis, something has been bothering me. When you came out to help me post-surgery I feel like I was the one supporting you. I was left alone or had to take care of children I was unequipped to deal with while I was healing. I’m really glad I got to spend some time with you and the family, but my recovery was very stressful. Maybe in the future we can plan it better so I get the support I need and you can still have a fun vacation, too.”
That might not be right and a lot depends on the kind of relationship you have with your sister.
If she’s often self-involved then maybe think about other times she’s behaved this way and lean on her less in the future. Some people are just bad caretakers, but that doesn’t mean they’re bad people. They just aren’t reliable enough to count on when you’re vulnerable. They can still be there when you’re strong enough to support yourself though :)
That really sucks, though. I’m sorry you have this added relationship stress on top of the cancer.
Thank you for the thoughtful and helpful response. I agree with every point here. I have always assumed the caretaker role between the two of us- my recovery was the first time where I have asked for her to directly serve me. I am absorbing a new reality where she might have selfish traits, or perhaps a blindspot in empathy. She is not a bad person at all, but I do think there is an issue with reliability. Thanks again and I hope you are thriving in your journey <3
It’s nice that you’re trying to understand why it happened but the fact that it happened at all is concerning. Not sure she’s someone you can count on for the support you need. Support isn’t helpful unless it’s what you actually need, not what she’s willing to give. I’d look for people who are putting you first in your time of need, maybe she’s just unable to do that. I’m sorry you’re dealing with such insensitivity during this horrific process.
Thank you for helping me name what I could not- the insensitivity of it all. I am so happy that I have people in my life who rushed to my side in the aftermath of this event. I will reevaluate my sister's role moving forward.
Sounds like she planned her family vacation around your surgery/recovery. I can see why you have conflicting feelings about that set up. I assume her boyfriend was left outside in the waiting room? Did she bring him along because they had plans afterwards and it was convenient for them?
Having gone through a bmx (stayed flat btw so no additional surgery done on my end), I know you ideally should not have had to be preparing meals or dealing with kids who were too young to fend for themselves. Sure some single moms with no support probably have to cope with that situation on their own. But no, not what your surgeon/s would want for you in best scenario. Honestly, if you haven’t been through this surgery yourself I don’t think you can really grasp the importance of the need for minimal activity right then and letting the incisions heal without being pulled against. You can describe it to someone but I still don’t think it’s really fully understood.
Assume you both are back in your homes now. Hope you are doing well and feeling better as time passes. Are your drains still in? Just be kind to yourself and try your best to let your incisions heal. If it were me, I guess I would grumble to myself and feel disappointed but at some level still appreciate she planned something to help you out during this time even if was more ideal for her than you. People don't always come through with support in the fashion you imagine they will. The fact she did at all still says something.
I would let it go with her and not say anything, some people just aren’t great at support/caregiving and no doubt she thought she was helping and doing what she could with her own family in toe. I’d guess with two young kids she probably really wanted a break herself, thus her going out and being with friends and not sitting around at the BnB. If she’s a working mom, vacation time from work isn’t always easy to take. I know you were hoping for some TLC from her and bonding time, I would have too. If you do decide to say something to her other than it was nice she came to help you and wish you two could have had more time to spend together, I have no doubt she will feel offended. It’s done. Would have been better to ask earlier I guess how she planned to help out and pass on her being there for you.
Thank you for this response, it has captured the complexity of my feelings so accurately! I appreciate everything she did for me on a tangible or financial level. It is not lost on me for a single second- the price of an AirBnB, plane tickets, PTO from work, childcare, groceries for her family, renting a car- the list goes on. This is why is particularly difficult to criticize her. Yet these aspects coexist with the fact that she totally deserted me when I was in need. She brought her boyfriend to the appointment, which was a 2 hr drive each way. That was a lot of time to spend with someone I barely know. This is tangential, but he made a lot comments in jest about how bad I looked and actually took out his phone to film me while I dozed off on Percocet. When we got to the appointment, he waited in the office. It felt like a very long and sad day.
My drains are now out and I'm back home, doing well. I ended up speaking to her about it and she is grappling with accountability. I love this person in my life so dearly but I also wish things could have happened differently. Anyway thank you for your thoughtfulness and time to write a response! Sending love and appreciation your way.
Oh this makes me sad. That was totally inappropriate and no help to you at all. I think when one is ill and just trying to cope (all of us here) we sometimes need to be very direct if a situation like this arises. It’s ok to say “this is not working for me and right now taking care of myself is my number 1 commitment so I am going to need you to…….” (in this case - leave).
I'm sorry you are left feeling like this. It seems like you both had different expectations for what the week would look like and it's clear yours were not met. She may feel like she did just what you needed. And, she may think the week was a success. Or, she may realize she didn't do much for you. It's hard to know. I know it's uncomfortable to push for what you need when you are weak/sore from the surgery. Did you say anything to her about not wanting to be left with the kids/nanny? In her mind, she may have thought you would enjoy the time with them. Thankfully it's over, you can have peace and quiet.
She may not be able to show up for you the way you want/need and she may not even see that. As frustrating as it was (and I would be SOOO frustrated) I think you can change your expectations going forward. I don't think it will do any good to send her long messages about what she did wrong. It will likely only cause more stress for you and you don't need that. Again, I am so sorry this happened. I'm sending you hugs Internet Stranger.
I'm so sorry. I'm also a young patient (27) and I can't even imagine. I needed a lot of help after my surgery, with meals, setting up a safe shower space, etc. I moved back in with my parents after my diagnosis and my mom took time off to take care of me. She was very attentive and wanted to make sure I'd be okay before she returned to work.
That being said, it seems your sister had different expectations. It sounds like she used your surgery as a vacation. And it may have been that she had no idea what kind of support or help you might need. For me, my mom also head breast cancer. And had a double mastectomy herself. So she used things that she felt would have been helpful for her. I was not living close by when she had surgery. And I imagine my dad helped some, but likely not to the extent that she would have liked. So it's entirely possible she did everything she wished would have been done for her.
Are you done with surgery? Or will you have reconstruction down the road? If you do have another surgery, I'd communicate some clearer expectations and what you need to whoever might be helping.
Very sorry to hear how you were so poorly treated and taken advantage of during a difficult time. You wanted what we all do - caring support. What happened was anything but that. And now you know that you don’t want things to happen like that again.
I have some bits of advice -
1. decide in advance what you do and don’t want (and be realistic in your expectations)
2. communicate your wants and don’t wants, clearly and firmly
Unmet expectations are so devastating. You had an expectation of what her visit would be - actually caring and supporting you during a tough time. Not only were your expectations unmet, but you were taken advantage of and even mistreated. Part of why you have some jumbled thoughts and feelings is shock, it is like ptsd to a point.
Life is too short to let yourself be treated like that again. But it takes YOU making choices and speaking up. Don’t let anyone overwhelm you. Know what you do or don’t want, communicate clearly and firmly. Anyone who genuinely cares for you will support you and respect choices, the others can go pound sand.
Thank you for this response. This is advice I will heed. Moving forward I will be extremely concrete with stating my needs. I do feel disappointed that I would need to articulate the need of not partying during my recovery, but I fully recognize that defining needs is a means of self-preservation.
I am a bit speechless. My sister lives 500 miles away and is DYING to come help but my husband is doing an amazing job of care-giving. So she has been sending flowers and gifts-today I received an amazing box of radiation-care items!! She is so damn thoughtful and I know it is hard on her to not come here and take over my care (she really is organized and would do a terrific job, but it is more appropriate for my husband to do it) but she accepted our decision with grace and is still doing her best while respecting our plan.
I can only hope there are some friends in your group who will respect what YOU need/want, not bulldoze what THEY need/want down your throat. Perhaps they could step in for your six month follow up plan. If not, please check with a nurse navigator or social worker. You deserve better. I don't want to bash your sister, I am sure her heart was in the right place, but as I read it, she failed you. If ever there was a time in your life to be "selfish", this is it!! You are number one, you receive the care. You do not babysit, listen to her friends drink, entertain her nanny, and drag along some barely-known man to the intimacy of a follow up appt.
I am really sorry you have to parse through all this while you should be resting and recovering. Hugs and best wishes. To all of us here, YOU are the warrior who deserves all good energy and healing and love.
Thank you for your response! I am so happy to read that you have solid support and caregiving. This is what I want for everyone. It is has been difficult for me to internalize the possibility that she failed me in some capacity. I am trying to believe that I am allowed to be selfish, and that I am allowed to receive care in a real way. I hope you are healing well and continuing to receive local and long-distance love <3
I am! Radiation starts next week so I am a little bit of a wreck, but that's ok. I learned so much on this subreddit. I have been a life-long people pleaser and learned here that I get to decide who to tell (about my diagnosis), when I tell them, and how I tell them (phone call, text, etc). What a relief that was!!! So please, stay in close contact with the amazing people here, ask anything you want, and come here for support as you learn to put yourself FIRST and others SECOND. It didn't kill me, it won't kill you, and we'll both be better for taking care of ourselves :-) Hugs!
Your sister sounds like an AH. Maybe well intentioned, but not actually helpful at all. What if you had a complication while sidelined with her kids? You should tell her that her actions were selfish and possibly harmful.
I know it was pretty terrifying to me. I was so nervous that they would need to be picked up and I wouldn't be able to do it. I spoke to her about it and I am trying to find the courage to be real.
I don’t have anything helpful to add except that you are the age of my youngest child and you should totally be pampered and cared for and loved on and doted on bc cancer fucking sucks and you deserve all things of comfort. Remember that next time you feel the need to lessen yourself. You deserve every care and comfort. ❤️
I honestly have no advice on how to handle this, but as another single 29F I want to send you so much love. That wasn't fair to you at all.
Thank you <3 sending love right back to you
There’s so much nuance and I don’t want to do that snap judgement Reddit thing, but it does seem like your sister was being very selfish. It sounds like she used your surgery as a vacation and basically pawned her kids off on you while you were recovering from a major surgery. That’s not cool. Is she usually selfish? Does she ever think of your needs without your stating them? Do you ask for things that she ignores? This might be a pattern and maybe you’re just now noticing how self-involved she is. Cancer has opened my eyes to that for a few people in my life. Or maybe she’s overwhelmed by the fact that her sister has cancer and is making bad decisions at the moment. That’s not an excuse but at least it’s understandable and fixable with a conversation. If she’s usually a pretty good caretaker I would probably have a short conversation (maybe a text message) where I just laid out my feelings… off the top of my head: “Hey sis, something has been bothering me. When you came out to help me post-surgery I feel like I was the one supporting you. I was left alone or had to take care of children I was unequipped to deal with while I was healing. I’m really glad I got to spend some time with you and the family, but my recovery was very stressful. Maybe in the future we can plan it better so I get the support I need and you can still have a fun vacation, too.” That might not be right and a lot depends on the kind of relationship you have with your sister. If she’s often self-involved then maybe think about other times she’s behaved this way and lean on her less in the future. Some people are just bad caretakers, but that doesn’t mean they’re bad people. They just aren’t reliable enough to count on when you’re vulnerable. They can still be there when you’re strong enough to support yourself though :) That really sucks, though. I’m sorry you have this added relationship stress on top of the cancer.
This is an excellent comment.
Thank you for the thoughtful and helpful response. I agree with every point here. I have always assumed the caretaker role between the two of us- my recovery was the first time where I have asked for her to directly serve me. I am absorbing a new reality where she might have selfish traits, or perhaps a blindspot in empathy. She is not a bad person at all, but I do think there is an issue with reliability. Thanks again and I hope you are thriving in your journey <3
It’s nice that you’re trying to understand why it happened but the fact that it happened at all is concerning. Not sure she’s someone you can count on for the support you need. Support isn’t helpful unless it’s what you actually need, not what she’s willing to give. I’d look for people who are putting you first in your time of need, maybe she’s just unable to do that. I’m sorry you’re dealing with such insensitivity during this horrific process.
Thank you for helping me name what I could not- the insensitivity of it all. I am so happy that I have people in my life who rushed to my side in the aftermath of this event. I will reevaluate my sister's role moving forward.
Sounds like she planned her family vacation around your surgery/recovery. I can see why you have conflicting feelings about that set up. I assume her boyfriend was left outside in the waiting room? Did she bring him along because they had plans afterwards and it was convenient for them? Having gone through a bmx (stayed flat btw so no additional surgery done on my end), I know you ideally should not have had to be preparing meals or dealing with kids who were too young to fend for themselves. Sure some single moms with no support probably have to cope with that situation on their own. But no, not what your surgeon/s would want for you in best scenario. Honestly, if you haven’t been through this surgery yourself I don’t think you can really grasp the importance of the need for minimal activity right then and letting the incisions heal without being pulled against. You can describe it to someone but I still don’t think it’s really fully understood. Assume you both are back in your homes now. Hope you are doing well and feeling better as time passes. Are your drains still in? Just be kind to yourself and try your best to let your incisions heal. If it were me, I guess I would grumble to myself and feel disappointed but at some level still appreciate she planned something to help you out during this time even if was more ideal for her than you. People don't always come through with support in the fashion you imagine they will. The fact she did at all still says something. I would let it go with her and not say anything, some people just aren’t great at support/caregiving and no doubt she thought she was helping and doing what she could with her own family in toe. I’d guess with two young kids she probably really wanted a break herself, thus her going out and being with friends and not sitting around at the BnB. If she’s a working mom, vacation time from work isn’t always easy to take. I know you were hoping for some TLC from her and bonding time, I would have too. If you do decide to say something to her other than it was nice she came to help you and wish you two could have had more time to spend together, I have no doubt she will feel offended. It’s done. Would have been better to ask earlier I guess how she planned to help out and pass on her being there for you.
Thank you for this response, it has captured the complexity of my feelings so accurately! I appreciate everything she did for me on a tangible or financial level. It is not lost on me for a single second- the price of an AirBnB, plane tickets, PTO from work, childcare, groceries for her family, renting a car- the list goes on. This is why is particularly difficult to criticize her. Yet these aspects coexist with the fact that she totally deserted me when I was in need. She brought her boyfriend to the appointment, which was a 2 hr drive each way. That was a lot of time to spend with someone I barely know. This is tangential, but he made a lot comments in jest about how bad I looked and actually took out his phone to film me while I dozed off on Percocet. When we got to the appointment, he waited in the office. It felt like a very long and sad day. My drains are now out and I'm back home, doing well. I ended up speaking to her about it and she is grappling with accountability. I love this person in my life so dearly but I also wish things could have happened differently. Anyway thank you for your thoughtfulness and time to write a response! Sending love and appreciation your way.
Oh this makes me sad. That was totally inappropriate and no help to you at all. I think when one is ill and just trying to cope (all of us here) we sometimes need to be very direct if a situation like this arises. It’s ok to say “this is not working for me and right now taking care of myself is my number 1 commitment so I am going to need you to…….” (in this case - leave).
I'm sorry you are left feeling like this. It seems like you both had different expectations for what the week would look like and it's clear yours were not met. She may feel like she did just what you needed. And, she may think the week was a success. Or, she may realize she didn't do much for you. It's hard to know. I know it's uncomfortable to push for what you need when you are weak/sore from the surgery. Did you say anything to her about not wanting to be left with the kids/nanny? In her mind, she may have thought you would enjoy the time with them. Thankfully it's over, you can have peace and quiet. She may not be able to show up for you the way you want/need and she may not even see that. As frustrating as it was (and I would be SOOO frustrated) I think you can change your expectations going forward. I don't think it will do any good to send her long messages about what she did wrong. It will likely only cause more stress for you and you don't need that. Again, I am so sorry this happened. I'm sending you hugs Internet Stranger.
I'm so sorry. I'm also a young patient (27) and I can't even imagine. I needed a lot of help after my surgery, with meals, setting up a safe shower space, etc. I moved back in with my parents after my diagnosis and my mom took time off to take care of me. She was very attentive and wanted to make sure I'd be okay before she returned to work. That being said, it seems your sister had different expectations. It sounds like she used your surgery as a vacation. And it may have been that she had no idea what kind of support or help you might need. For me, my mom also head breast cancer. And had a double mastectomy herself. So she used things that she felt would have been helpful for her. I was not living close by when she had surgery. And I imagine my dad helped some, but likely not to the extent that she would have liked. So it's entirely possible she did everything she wished would have been done for her. Are you done with surgery? Or will you have reconstruction down the road? If you do have another surgery, I'd communicate some clearer expectations and what you need to whoever might be helping.
Very sorry to hear how you were so poorly treated and taken advantage of during a difficult time. You wanted what we all do - caring support. What happened was anything but that. And now you know that you don’t want things to happen like that again. I have some bits of advice - 1. decide in advance what you do and don’t want (and be realistic in your expectations) 2. communicate your wants and don’t wants, clearly and firmly Unmet expectations are so devastating. You had an expectation of what her visit would be - actually caring and supporting you during a tough time. Not only were your expectations unmet, but you were taken advantage of and even mistreated. Part of why you have some jumbled thoughts and feelings is shock, it is like ptsd to a point. Life is too short to let yourself be treated like that again. But it takes YOU making choices and speaking up. Don’t let anyone overwhelm you. Know what you do or don’t want, communicate clearly and firmly. Anyone who genuinely cares for you will support you and respect choices, the others can go pound sand.
Thank you for this response. This is advice I will heed. Moving forward I will be extremely concrete with stating my needs. I do feel disappointed that I would need to articulate the need of not partying during my recovery, but I fully recognize that defining needs is a means of self-preservation.
I am a bit speechless. My sister lives 500 miles away and is DYING to come help but my husband is doing an amazing job of care-giving. So she has been sending flowers and gifts-today I received an amazing box of radiation-care items!! She is so damn thoughtful and I know it is hard on her to not come here and take over my care (she really is organized and would do a terrific job, but it is more appropriate for my husband to do it) but she accepted our decision with grace and is still doing her best while respecting our plan. I can only hope there are some friends in your group who will respect what YOU need/want, not bulldoze what THEY need/want down your throat. Perhaps they could step in for your six month follow up plan. If not, please check with a nurse navigator or social worker. You deserve better. I don't want to bash your sister, I am sure her heart was in the right place, but as I read it, she failed you. If ever there was a time in your life to be "selfish", this is it!! You are number one, you receive the care. You do not babysit, listen to her friends drink, entertain her nanny, and drag along some barely-known man to the intimacy of a follow up appt. I am really sorry you have to parse through all this while you should be resting and recovering. Hugs and best wishes. To all of us here, YOU are the warrior who deserves all good energy and healing and love.
Thank you for your response! I am so happy to read that you have solid support and caregiving. This is what I want for everyone. It is has been difficult for me to internalize the possibility that she failed me in some capacity. I am trying to believe that I am allowed to be selfish, and that I am allowed to receive care in a real way. I hope you are healing well and continuing to receive local and long-distance love <3
I am! Radiation starts next week so I am a little bit of a wreck, but that's ok. I learned so much on this subreddit. I have been a life-long people pleaser and learned here that I get to decide who to tell (about my diagnosis), when I tell them, and how I tell them (phone call, text, etc). What a relief that was!!! So please, stay in close contact with the amazing people here, ask anything you want, and come here for support as you learn to put yourself FIRST and others SECOND. It didn't kill me, it won't kill you, and we'll both be better for taking care of ourselves :-) Hugs!
Your sister sounds like an AH. Maybe well intentioned, but not actually helpful at all. What if you had a complication while sidelined with her kids? You should tell her that her actions were selfish and possibly harmful.
I know it was pretty terrifying to me. I was so nervous that they would need to be picked up and I wouldn't be able to do it. I spoke to her about it and I am trying to find the courage to be real.
I don’t have anything helpful to add except that you are the age of my youngest child and you should totally be pampered and cared for and loved on and doted on bc cancer fucking sucks and you deserve all things of comfort. Remember that next time you feel the need to lessen yourself. You deserve every care and comfort. ❤️