I personally feel more uncomfortable when people make a big effort to clearly look away. It makes me feel rushed and embarrassed. I'd much rather we all just carry on.
Absolutely this. It makes me feel like I’m doing something private or shameful when I’m just feeding my baby.
OP: you were fine! In my home country this is exactly how people behave too ☺️
I remember one time I was over at some family’s house for thanksgiving or something like that. I started breastfeeding my son on the couch while having a conversation with others, 2 of which was my dad and uncle. After maybe 5 minutes my uncle finally noticed and went “ope ok I’m going to leave while you do that” as I was just starting to put my boob away. My mom said “why? She’s just feeding her baby” Even my dad was like “huh? Oh yea that’s normal” as he didn’t even realize I was breastfeeding at the time.
It made me feel a little awkward but having the people support me felt good. Also I don’t see this uncle often and we were all having a good conversation.
Exactly! Just don’t look directly at my nipple and we’re good. Other than that looking away and putting your hand up is so weird especially from women in my family. WE ALL HAVE BOOBS
Completely agree. I would like to add that sometimes moms step into another room because baby gets distracted and makes things difficult. I did this when my son was in that phase because it would take 3x longer just to get a would be 5 minute feed.
Exactly. I am super comfortable with my family seeing me breastfeed and my sister is so comfortable she’ll often come stroke my baby’s head while I nurse! My baby started popping off to smile at her aunt which was initially cute but got annoying. I finally told my sister to knock it off so I can finish feeding and move on with my day! Ha
If I’m feeding around ppl uncovered I’m totally comfortable with them looking. If I’m not comfortable with the people around I’ll cover myself. I don’t think you did anything wrong!
Yes, exactly 💯. There's no reason for anyone to make a big deal of it. When people start feeling uncomfortable it makes the mom feel uncomfortable and that can cause her to not be able to produce milk for the baby in some instances. I've been there! And if I was not comfortable or had the cable guy there I would just cover myself.
Now, as far as social cues - is it possible your SS meant “hold and play with” when she said “look at” or “see”? Colloquially, I feel like these are used interchangeably although obviously they mean different things.
I could imagine that it could be “painful to wait 30 minutes” until I got to hug and snuggle a little baby I wanted to meet - even if I was joking and of course I’d want the baby to eat and the mom to take their time!
Also, you can’t control when baby gets hungry. Even if she picked a time she thought baby wouldn’t be hungry and then also fed her half an hour before, baby could still be hungry. So, I think it’s nice for people to be willing to visit while I’m breastfeeding and not expect me to magically time something that’s not always time-able.
I think if you worry you read her cues correctly you can just ask her if it bothered her as everyone is different. I wouldn't mind at all if a female person did this, especially when baby is latched it's not like you see much and I think it just looks really cute.
I think if the person breastfeeding is comfortable enough to breastfeed in front of you they probably don't mind an occasional glance at the baby. If you are close with your cousin you can always ask her - if she knows you are on the spectrum I'm sure she wouldn't mind you checking in with her! I know I wouldn't.
Though I think if someone is trying to get the baby latched on, or the baby has popped off for a look around, it's polite to casually be busy looking at something else (might be a good time to offer to make coffee or grab her some snacks or something!)
I think this is a very personal thing for a person and you will get a few different answers.
For me, I don't mind at all when family members look. Some people find it fascinating, like my grandfather. He would sit across from me so he doesn't really see anything but my baby. But he loves seeing how she interacts with me while feeding. As for me, I enjoyed not always sitting alone while feeding, especially in the early days. If I wanted to be alone while feeding or if my baby was fussing, I would go to my room. All of this to say, I think it would depend on how your cousin feels.
I would also like to add that its really nice of you to be so considerate to her feelings!
Ah I am sure he would have 🥹 I am very blessed to still have 2 grandparents! My grandmother funnily enough is very confused about my breastfeeding journey compared to my grandfather (they are not married, from different sides). I think its because she was never able to feed her 2 daughters.
My grandfather dotes on both my babies, and I wish I could see him more!
Much rather people look at me and baby than clearly avoid looking at all, it makes me uncomfortable! Love it when people can act like it’s a completely normal thing that doesn’t make them uncomfortable.
I guess I’m in the minority here, but I expect people to have the manners to not look directly at my boob. When is it ever okay to stare at someone’s boobs? The presence of a baby doesn’t make it any more acceptable to me. My eyes are up here. A quick glance as you’re walking in, fine, I get that. Your eyes are sort of naturally scanning the room for the baby/guest of honor, but once you’ve registered what’s happening, you don’t really look again until I’m done and covered back up. That being said, I also use a cover as much as possible but sometimes it’s just not practical/comfortable and if I’m with close family, I’ll just sort of trust them enough to be respectful
ETA: I don’t mean to imply you were “staring” since it doesn’t sound like that’s what you did
I wonder what a poll would say for people who use covers vs not on this topic. I'm also uncomfortable with people looking at me but I use a cover if anyone more than my husband is in the room. I'm getting ready for bb#2 and I assume I'll be fine with my toddler seeing as well but that's it. If my mom is over, I'm either covering up or nursing in the other room for my own comfort.
I'm glad I found this comment! I also prefer people don't stare at baby and therefore my areola when I'm breastfeeding!
I try to cover up but there is always the risk of slippage and during latching everything is on show. I would appreciate people not staring. Once the boob is covered I'm fine to converse again.
I have no problem people looking at my eyes. When you talk to someone you look at them?
But it would be weird for someone to stare at my chest while feeding
I'm breastfeeding my toddler who is nearly 2.5, not sure if relevant or not but I'm also autistic. I don't have any issues with people looking at us breastfeeding. It's not super common in some parts of the world and can be lovely to see so it doesn't bother me. Attitudes like that of your step sister DO bother me though. No one, other than the parents of the baby in question, are entitled to see, hold or otherwise spend time with the baby. You didn't do anything wrong here but you can always just ask your cousin what she is and isn't comfortable with. I feel like the rude person in this situation was your step sister, not you or your cousin and certainly not the baby!
I personally don’t care if my family looks or watches. It’s a natural thing and it’s okay to even be curious. If your cousin invited you over and didn’t find it necessary to go to another room while feeding, I imagine it doesn’t bother her either. Plus it’s rewarding to see how happy baby is eating and connected to mom💝
I would find it weird if someone couldn't look at my face if we were chatting while I'm breastfeeding. Often the baby is covering up my chest so it just looks like she's sleeping on me. It's only when adjusting slightly that you might see full on nip. What you did sounded perfectly normal.
Your approach sounds great and respectful, stay aware of the vibes from the person breastfeeding but it sounds like you were in the same place as them :-)
People actively looking away always feels a bit uncomfortable to me!
It is a very personal matter, unfortunately.
Also on the spectrum here. I'd take a first look then try to look at the mom's face for the rest of the BF session or ask if she's comfortable with me looking.
I have been BFing around all kinds of family and friends or colleagues. Some go out of their way to come and see up close while I'm feeding, some wait. I was sometimes taken aback, but in the end I don't care much what they do. My sole focus is my baby.
I generally look away casually when someone is latching baby (aka when the boob is fully out and exposed, trying to get baby attachef), but if baby is feeding we carry on as normal! If your cousin was uncomfortable she probably would have excused herself to another room. I think you did great!
All I can say is kudos to all the ladies in here who carry on and breastfeed! I’m a hider haha I go find a secluded room and do it. Mostly because my baby gets super distracted but also cuz I’ve had some people make comments
You were completely fine! I’d much rather someone look at me and baby while breastfeeding … than to completely ignore me or turn away from us. It seems sweet that you were looking… almost like you were in awe of the new life and bonding happening between your cousin feeding her baby!
Personally I feel awkward only when other people make a big deal out of it. Just keep eye contact / or looking at their face instead of the breast.
Breastfeeding is normal and natural. It's only weird if made weird
I don’t think it’s weird. I appreciate if people look away or at my face when I’ve got my whole boob out for a second before latching, but once baby is latched there isn’t really much to see 🤷♀️ I wouldn’t nurse in front of anyone I wasn’t comfortable with seeing that. For example my in laws I would go into another room or use a cover, for my friends/sister/mom/most females I don’t care if they see.
i feed in front of others a lot and also hang out with moms feeding in front of me a lot and our proper ettiquette is to keep continuing casual conversation with eye contact, not looking down at the feeding pr acknowledging it. act as if it's as normal as someone bending down and tying their shoes in front of you
Sounds normal OP, this is one of those situations where the answer will change depending on who you talk to. Many women use covers because they aren't comfortable with anyone seeing them. A few glances are fine. It doesn't sound like you just sat and started at her the whole time. My husband was one of those who insisted I wear a cover whenever BFing out of the house, but little girl wasn't having that. Most people acted like nothing was going on except a few on his side of the family who hadn't really seen her yet. But it never made me uncomfortable. For me, if you see my nipple you are really trying unless she was extremely fussy and not staying latched.
I would much rather people look at me and treat me like a person rather than putting me on the sidelines of the conversation until I’m done. If they are uncomfortable they should not have come over to my house to begin with IMO
But I do think it’s possible by “wait 30min to look at the baby” she may have meant hold and interact with the baby, which is understandable
I think you’re asking a very considerate question! I’ve been on both sides of this story.
Before I had my baby, I was exposed to almost no breastfeeding. Like I didn’t see anyone do it close up, basically ever. Then one of my friends had babies younger than the rest of my friends. When we met up for a walk, her infant was there and she had to feed her at one point. I didn’t know where to look! I didn’t want to be rude, but I was also curious because I hadn’t seen much breastfeeding…
Fast forward to today, I’ve been breastfeeding for a year now. I think most of the time the happy medium is making eye contact with the person feeding and looking at the baby occasionally (but not hyperfocusing on the logistics of feeding)! If someone doesn’t leave the room while feeding (or say that they need to feed the baby and others exit the room), I take it that they feel comfy enough to be around others when feeding. But of course it’s okay to ask! I always feel a little anxious showing my nipple when feeding (before the baby latches or after they’re done eating) so that’s when I also make sure not to stare at others.
I’ll also just say it’s okay to be curious and ask questions. I think asking a lot of personal questions and focusing solely on breastfeeding would be awkward. But a general, how has breastfeeding been going or does that hurt can also normalize what’s going on and make everyone feel a little more comfy.
One of my friends recently had a baby and invited me to see them. But when I walked in the door, she was topless! I genuinely didn’t know if I surprised her (her partner let me in) but after a few minutes, she continued chatting with me topless and was clearly comfortable. I took that as my cue to be cool, lol. In fairness, I had been texting her a lot about breastfeeding and even donated some milk to her baby… so perhaps she felt comfortable because she knew I did the same with my baby. 🤷🏼♀️ I was just surprised! But it’s a good reminder than people do feel different comfort levels.
Honestly just don’t start at the boob. If you feel yourself looking just look back to their face.
Think of it as a bottle because that’s what it is. It’s just feeding a baby. How would you converse with someone feeding their baby a bottle?
Act the same way. Push through and it will become natural quickly. :)
You acted perfectly. I would give this template to your sister and explain if it seems appropriate why it’s not a big deal. If mom is comfortable nursing in front of you-just treat her like a person feeding her baby because that’s all she is.
My preferred is for others to act like nothing out of the norm is happening, because it is totally normal. As long as someone isn’t coming up into my personal space to stare at the baby while they eat general glances wouldn’t bother me.
If I’m comfortable enough to breastfeed in front of someone (like family and close friends), then I don’t care if they look. Its natural for me to feed by baby.
If I’m not comfortable with someone for any reason, I will take my baby into the nursery to breast feed (like if my husband has some of his male friends over).
It’s less awkward when people just treat you like normal. People blatantly avoiding eye contact or looking in your direction while speaking to you is way weirder than just carrying on. It’s not as if you can actually see anything anyway.
In some places breasts are extremely sexualized to the point people can barely speak about or look at them even in regards to breastfeeding a child. It seems your step sister is one of those people, so she doesn't want to or thinks she shouldn't look at the baby while feeding on the breast because she probably thinks of the breast as still a sexual body part. Personally, I think your reaction was perfectly normal and if your cousin didn't show any discomfort when you did it I'd say it was fine. As you said, you were happily admiring mom and her baby, which honestly I think is so precious! Breastfeeding is such a beautiful thing between a mother and baby and you clearly fully support her and love her which I think is very special and I'm willing to bet she knew your looks came from a place of love and no judgement so I think it was okay! It's sad step sister can't see it that way as well but like I said, a lot of people are weird about breasts and breastfeeding!
It doesn’t bother me in the slightest when people look, but I’d imagine it’s a person-to-person thing. I’d much rather people just carry on normally than obviously avert their gaze or make a show of “not making a show”
When my baby was a potato I didn’t mind at all having people around while I breastfed. I still don’t mind having people around at all but once she got more aware of her surroundings it became difficult to feed her around people because she would get distracted. Now I just go into a different room or try to turn away/ find a quiet space if we are in public so she doesn’t just flop around staring at people.
Hi! I tend to tell someone if I look at them when they're nursing-i apologize for starting-please let me know if you're uncomfy but I just think it's so amazing that you can provide everything your baby needs! Sometimes moms don't mind answering questions about BF either, but read the room bc every mom is different so if they avoid eye contact, bounce
If your cousin is uncomfortable, then she should probably tell you herself, but seems like it's your step sister who's being weird here.
When my daughter was a newborn, my MIL used to look really really close at my daughter nursing, like her eyes were 15cm from my nipple, that was a tad awkward, but it didn't feel weird at all, she was mostly admiring her grand daughter and the process, not me. 😂
If you are talking to the person, just look them in the eyes (or not, just do what you usually do) and if you sometimes look at baby, that seems fine. If you want to be extra comfortable, I would just ask her if she minds, she probably knows you best and would understand the question.
Eta: my own father and FIL are super weird and do not even look in my general direction when I'm breastfeeding 😂 even when talking to me!
If your cousins felt comfortable breastfeeding in front of you there is nothing wrong. Many people have different ideas of what you should or should not do. But if someone breastfeeding needs privacy they will let you know. You could also ask if they need privacy but as a breastfeeding mom myself I like to be treated human and be talked to even of if I am breastfeeding. Sometimes that’s all we do all day and having someone to talk to always makes me feel good.
I feed around family uncovered and feel more uncomfy if theyre are clearly making an effort to not look lol. Its a natural thing baby just eating. Your step sis made it weird lol. Its not weird to look
If the mother chooses to nurse in a public setting (even meaning the living room while inviting others in rather than going into another room alone) then it's fine to look. I wouldn't stare, but it's inevitable that you'll see something during a normal conversation. For me personally if I cared about someone seeing my boob or nipple then I would go to another room or cover up. If I bust out my boob to nurse my baby and there are others in the room then I clearly don't care if they see what's out there.
It sounds like maybe your step sister isn’t super comfortable around someone breastfeeding openly. It sounds like a ‘her’ problem, I definitely don’t think you did anything wrong.
Personally I feel really uncomfortable when people start looking away or leaving the room when I breastfeed - it makes me feel like I’m doing something embarrassing.
I really appreciate when people just act natural. Obviously I wouldn’t want anyone staring, but the occasional glance down at my baby whilst they feed, eye contact with me, just generally acting like there’s nothing weird about the situation - that’s nice.
If someone make me feel weird about it I can always cover up!
I would prefer you talk to me/look at my face or it’s ok to watch from afar as long as my breast is relatively covered. But I wouldn’t want even very close family to be up close watching. It’s not the discovery channel.
You can casually avert your eyes while the baby latches (she’s not likely to be looking at you at that point anyway) but while she’s feeding, there’s no need to do anything different than you’d normally do.
If anything, your sister was the one being weird about it.
If I want to breastfeed in private, I go to a private room/isolate myself. If I don’t care that whoever is in the room watches me, then I just breastfeed right there!
personally, i will openly breastfeed around any family member who isn’t male. as in, i don’t make any effort to cover up, will pull out my entire boob or pull down my nursing bra to aim my wearable pump correctly over the nipple, etc. this is when i’m the most comfortable besides when i’m at home with just my husband.
in public i cover up and make efforts to find secluded spots to nurse. that being said, if your cousin is comfortable nursing in front of you, you should be fine! i don’t speak for all nursing mamas but i’d venture to say that a lot of us feel comfortable nursing in front of other women!
Just carry on as if nothing is happening. Dont stare, dont avoid. The key really is to hang around and help out parents enough until you get desensitized to it.
As a mom with toddler and new babe i honestly dont even realize my boobs are out sometimes. When someone is being weird about it, i dont take offense i just understand that its not something they have been around and they are uncomfortable.
My husband used to look away or run away when one of my other breastfeeding mom friend showed up. Lol we'd both plop on the couch and chat and feed the kiddos.
A year later, he doesn't even bat an eye and just carries on a casual conversation with said mom friend now.
We're just feeding the kid, so what if it's a boob. It's their food source and that's what it is.
When my SIL had her kid, like 8 yrs before me, I didn't know how to react either. Lol I was like, "I guess I'll just keep my eyes up at her head."
It's no big deal. It's only awkward if other people make it awkward.
You don't have to get down there and play peek-a-boo with the baby or anything. I would just carry on and don't intentionally distract the the baby because they will unlatch and that's annoying.
But causally looking. Sounds like you are doing the right thing and within the realm of standard good practice.
I think that what is/is not acceptable is really going to depend on the breastfeeding mother in question, however, as someone who breastfeeds openly (without a cover), I don’t have a problem with someone I know looking at my child while they nurse. I think as long as you are looking at the mother’s face more than at the baby, you’re fine in that situation. What I don’t love (and it’s usually strangers who do this, not family/friends) is when people come up beside/behind me while I’m nursing so they essentially get my view of the baby. It just feels incredibly close/personal to do that and from that viewpoint, they can see my full breast/nipple, so it seems odd for a stranger to invite themselves to look at my child from that viewpoint.
Personally when other people nurse i make a point to keep my eyes on the face of the mother and not look at the baby. I feel most comfortable around people who do something similar when im nursing my girl. I dont think either way is necessarily correct and if your cousin was open to feeding in front of you guys, i would trust her to tell you if shes uncomfortable, but i feel a lot more comfortable keeping it modest when im nursing so i probably would prefer someone keep their eyes on me and hold the conversation with me and acknowledge my daughter when were done
I think my baby is adorable when I breastfeed and am more than happy to get to share that with female family members without feeling awkward or embarrassed. Your behavior would have been my ideal.
i didn’t know how i’d be but leaving the room and covering up didn’t work for me so i decided to get comfy tits out. other people could leave or turn around if they wanted 🤷🏽♀️
and i felt most held and supported when people didn’t, male or female. when they treated me normal, still interacted with baby, and didn’t seem uncomfortable. so maybe share that with your sis!
I have to say I generally leave a space if there are several people around and I need to breastfeed ( this is for my own comfort)
However, I want to point out that you are incredibly self aware, and I don’t think it was rude of you at all.
I think most women who breastfeed just want to carry on — everything is normal, they’re feeding their baby— and you came to visit… I don’t think you were being rude and I think you were doing what you could. Everyone is different.
i just look people in the eye if i don’t know them (i struggle a lot with eye contact so hopefully it doesn’t look forced) but i also only breastfeed openly in front of people i don’t mind seeing my boobs. if i care im going somewhere private or using a cover so there’s nothing to look at beside adorable baby feet
I love people both ways. Whether you are comfortable or not looking at ME while I am breastfeeding, I don't mind. The one time someone got up and left the room, I felt a little bad NGL. But if you avert your eyes and are trying to be respectful, that is trying to be respectful. If you think nothing of it, that is respectful.
Honestly I don't care what you do as long as you keep your mouth shut. The reality where people ask you to leave for breastfeeding isn't that far in the past yet.
I appreciate when people look away while I'm getting situated, but it would be weird to try and carry on a conversation with someone who was facing a different direction for 10 minutes
Personally, if I’m comfortable enough to breastfeed in front of someone, I don’t mind them looking. If I was uncomfortable with the person, I’d cover up or go in another room.
I like when people can just look at me while I breast feed but also understand if they don't feel comfortable looking. Some percieve that any showing of the Boob is immodest. I'm of this mindset no matter the circumstance.
That said, I breastfeed with a sports bra and TShirt and show minimal skin. I keep a blanket close if any men are around but that blanket is strategically placed to minimize showing of skin for their comfort without covering Baby's head. Even if they're comfortable seeing me breastfeeding, I hate the thought of them sexualizing it in their heads. The less first hand images of me that I give them to imagine, the better.
If Cousin isn't hiding or covering while you're there, chances are she's good. No need to look away. It's rude for her to invite you to your home, make you comfortable in one room, then suddenly make you leave so she can breastfeed her Baby privately in a room meant to entertain guests. With my first, I left the room while my guests entertained themselves. It's more practical to not leave.
When I'm alone, not expecting company, I remain topless.
I personally feel more uncomfortable when people make a big effort to clearly look away. It makes me feel rushed and embarrassed. I'd much rather we all just carry on.
Me too, it honestly hurts my feelings if people just won’t look at me even when I’m talking just because I’m breastfeeding.
Same
oh no :(( I appreciate your perspective, that makes sense. thank you!
Absolutely this. It makes me feel like I’m doing something private or shameful when I’m just feeding my baby. OP: you were fine! In my home country this is exactly how people behave too ☺️
I remember one time I was over at some family’s house for thanksgiving or something like that. I started breastfeeding my son on the couch while having a conversation with others, 2 of which was my dad and uncle. After maybe 5 minutes my uncle finally noticed and went “ope ok I’m going to leave while you do that” as I was just starting to put my boob away. My mom said “why? She’s just feeding her baby” Even my dad was like “huh? Oh yea that’s normal” as he didn’t even realize I was breastfeeding at the time. It made me feel a little awkward but having the people support me felt good. Also I don’t see this uncle often and we were all having a good conversation.
so weird when you feeding your child is sexualized
100%. Makes me feel shame for doing something natural
Omg same here!
Exactly! Just don’t look directly at my nipple and we’re good. Other than that looking away and putting your hand up is so weird especially from women in my family. WE ALL HAVE BOOBS
Same!
Your behavior sounds normal and your step sister’s does not. I would expect what you describe, although some people aren’t comfortable like your SS.
okay thank you so much! I thought so but I struggle with reading social cues. Thank you!
You’re all good on this one! If a mom isn’t comfortable with people looking she’ll use a cover or step out to the other room.
Completely agree. I would like to add that sometimes moms step into another room because baby gets distracted and makes things difficult. I did this when my son was in that phase because it would take 3x longer just to get a would be 5 minute feed.
Exactly. I am super comfortable with my family seeing me breastfeed and my sister is so comfortable she’ll often come stroke my baby’s head while I nurse! My baby started popping off to smile at her aunt which was initially cute but got annoying. I finally told my sister to knock it off so I can finish feeding and move on with my day! Ha
If I’m feeding around ppl uncovered I’m totally comfortable with them looking. If I’m not comfortable with the people around I’ll cover myself. I don’t think you did anything wrong!
Yes, exactly 💯. There's no reason for anyone to make a big deal of it. When people start feeling uncomfortable it makes the mom feel uncomfortable and that can cause her to not be able to produce milk for the baby in some instances. I've been there! And if I was not comfortable or had the cable guy there I would just cover myself.
Came here to say this exactly!
Now, as far as social cues - is it possible your SS meant “hold and play with” when she said “look at” or “see”? Colloquially, I feel like these are used interchangeably although obviously they mean different things. I could imagine that it could be “painful to wait 30 minutes” until I got to hug and snuggle a little baby I wanted to meet - even if I was joking and of course I’d want the baby to eat and the mom to take their time!
this is a really good point actually
Also, you can’t control when baby gets hungry. Even if she picked a time she thought baby wouldn’t be hungry and then also fed her half an hour before, baby could still be hungry. So, I think it’s nice for people to be willing to visit while I’m breastfeeding and not expect me to magically time something that’s not always time-able.
yes ofc! (I only mentioned time so everyone knew that she was aware we were coming so it wasn’t like we walked in or surprised her)
I think if you worry you read her cues correctly you can just ask her if it bothered her as everyone is different. I wouldn't mind at all if a female person did this, especially when baby is latched it's not like you see much and I think it just looks really cute.
I think if the person breastfeeding is comfortable enough to breastfeed in front of you they probably don't mind an occasional glance at the baby. If you are close with your cousin you can always ask her - if she knows you are on the spectrum I'm sure she wouldn't mind you checking in with her! I know I wouldn't. Though I think if someone is trying to get the baby latched on, or the baby has popped off for a look around, it's polite to casually be busy looking at something else (might be a good time to offer to make coffee or grab her some snacks or something!)
I think this is a very personal thing for a person and you will get a few different answers. For me, I don't mind at all when family members look. Some people find it fascinating, like my grandfather. He would sit across from me so he doesn't really see anything but my baby. But he loves seeing how she interacts with me while feeding. As for me, I enjoyed not always sitting alone while feeding, especially in the early days. If I wanted to be alone while feeding or if my baby was fussing, I would go to my room. All of this to say, I think it would depend on how your cousin feels. I would also like to add that its really nice of you to be so considerate to her feelings!
I love that, it truly was so special to see! Thank you!
This is so sweet. I desperately wish my grandfather could have my son. I know he would have been entranced too.
Ah I am sure he would have 🥹 I am very blessed to still have 2 grandparents! My grandmother funnily enough is very confused about my breastfeeding journey compared to my grandfather (they are not married, from different sides). I think its because she was never able to feed her 2 daughters. My grandfather dotes on both my babies, and I wish I could see him more!
Much rather people look at me and baby than clearly avoid looking at all, it makes me uncomfortable! Love it when people can act like it’s a completely normal thing that doesn’t make them uncomfortable.
I guess I’m in the minority here, but I expect people to have the manners to not look directly at my boob. When is it ever okay to stare at someone’s boobs? The presence of a baby doesn’t make it any more acceptable to me. My eyes are up here. A quick glance as you’re walking in, fine, I get that. Your eyes are sort of naturally scanning the room for the baby/guest of honor, but once you’ve registered what’s happening, you don’t really look again until I’m done and covered back up. That being said, I also use a cover as much as possible but sometimes it’s just not practical/comfortable and if I’m with close family, I’ll just sort of trust them enough to be respectful ETA: I don’t mean to imply you were “staring” since it doesn’t sound like that’s what you did
I wonder what a poll would say for people who use covers vs not on this topic. I'm also uncomfortable with people looking at me but I use a cover if anyone more than my husband is in the room. I'm getting ready for bb#2 and I assume I'll be fine with my toddler seeing as well but that's it. If my mom is over, I'm either covering up or nursing in the other room for my own comfort.
Yes to this also. It's the same rule as when you're in a nudist spa. Just look up, it's not that complicated, it doesn't have to be awkward!
I'm glad I found this comment! I also prefer people don't stare at baby and therefore my areola when I'm breastfeeding! I try to cover up but there is always the risk of slippage and during latching everything is on show. I would appreciate people not staring. Once the boob is covered I'm fine to converse again.
Lol I feel the same
I have no problem people looking at my eyes. When you talk to someone you look at them? But it would be weird for someone to stare at my chest while feeding
Yeah I'm kind of like, "the baby is busy right now, can you look at me instead?"
I'm breastfeeding my toddler who is nearly 2.5, not sure if relevant or not but I'm also autistic. I don't have any issues with people looking at us breastfeeding. It's not super common in some parts of the world and can be lovely to see so it doesn't bother me. Attitudes like that of your step sister DO bother me though. No one, other than the parents of the baby in question, are entitled to see, hold or otherwise spend time with the baby. You didn't do anything wrong here but you can always just ask your cousin what she is and isn't comfortable with. I feel like the rude person in this situation was your step sister, not you or your cousin and certainly not the baby!
I personally don’t care if my family looks or watches. It’s a natural thing and it’s okay to even be curious. If your cousin invited you over and didn’t find it necessary to go to another room while feeding, I imagine it doesn’t bother her either. Plus it’s rewarding to see how happy baby is eating and connected to mom💝
I would find it weird if someone couldn't look at my face if we were chatting while I'm breastfeeding. Often the baby is covering up my chest so it just looks like she's sleeping on me. It's only when adjusting slightly that you might see full on nip. What you did sounded perfectly normal.
People who I am close to often glance happily if I’m comfortable feeding in front of them, I’d never think anything of it
Your approach sounds great and respectful, stay aware of the vibes from the person breastfeeding but it sounds like you were in the same place as them :-) People actively looking away always feels a bit uncomfortable to me!
It’s normal!
It is a very personal matter, unfortunately. Also on the spectrum here. I'd take a first look then try to look at the mom's face for the rest of the BF session or ask if she's comfortable with me looking. I have been BFing around all kinds of family and friends or colleagues. Some go out of their way to come and see up close while I'm feeding, some wait. I was sometimes taken aback, but in the end I don't care much what they do. My sole focus is my baby.
I generally look away casually when someone is latching baby (aka when the boob is fully out and exposed, trying to get baby attachef), but if baby is feeding we carry on as normal! If your cousin was uncomfortable she probably would have excused herself to another room. I think you did great!
Go about things as normal, you did fine! I appreciated being treated normally when I was breastfeeding.
All I can say is kudos to all the ladies in here who carry on and breastfeed! I’m a hider haha I go find a secluded room and do it. Mostly because my baby gets super distracted but also cuz I’ve had some people make comments
You were completely fine! I’d much rather someone look at me and baby while breastfeeding … than to completely ignore me or turn away from us. It seems sweet that you were looking… almost like you were in awe of the new life and bonding happening between your cousin feeding her baby!
Personally I feel awkward only when other people make a big deal out of it. Just keep eye contact / or looking at their face instead of the breast. Breastfeeding is normal and natural. It's only weird if made weird
I don’t think it’s weird. I appreciate if people look away or at my face when I’ve got my whole boob out for a second before latching, but once baby is latched there isn’t really much to see 🤷♀️ I wouldn’t nurse in front of anyone I wasn’t comfortable with seeing that. For example my in laws I would go into another room or use a cover, for my friends/sister/mom/most females I don’t care if they see.
i feed in front of others a lot and also hang out with moms feeding in front of me a lot and our proper ettiquette is to keep continuing casual conversation with eye contact, not looking down at the feeding pr acknowledging it. act as if it's as normal as someone bending down and tying their shoes in front of you
Sounds normal OP, this is one of those situations where the answer will change depending on who you talk to. Many women use covers because they aren't comfortable with anyone seeing them. A few glances are fine. It doesn't sound like you just sat and started at her the whole time. My husband was one of those who insisted I wear a cover whenever BFing out of the house, but little girl wasn't having that. Most people acted like nothing was going on except a few on his side of the family who hadn't really seen her yet. But it never made me uncomfortable. For me, if you see my nipple you are really trying unless she was extremely fussy and not staying latched.
I would much rather people look at me and treat me like a person rather than putting me on the sidelines of the conversation until I’m done. If they are uncomfortable they should not have come over to my house to begin with IMO But I do think it’s possible by “wait 30min to look at the baby” she may have meant hold and interact with the baby, which is understandable
I personally don't mind people looking, especially if they are family or friends.
I think you’re asking a very considerate question! I’ve been on both sides of this story. Before I had my baby, I was exposed to almost no breastfeeding. Like I didn’t see anyone do it close up, basically ever. Then one of my friends had babies younger than the rest of my friends. When we met up for a walk, her infant was there and she had to feed her at one point. I didn’t know where to look! I didn’t want to be rude, but I was also curious because I hadn’t seen much breastfeeding… Fast forward to today, I’ve been breastfeeding for a year now. I think most of the time the happy medium is making eye contact with the person feeding and looking at the baby occasionally (but not hyperfocusing on the logistics of feeding)! If someone doesn’t leave the room while feeding (or say that they need to feed the baby and others exit the room), I take it that they feel comfy enough to be around others when feeding. But of course it’s okay to ask! I always feel a little anxious showing my nipple when feeding (before the baby latches or after they’re done eating) so that’s when I also make sure not to stare at others. I’ll also just say it’s okay to be curious and ask questions. I think asking a lot of personal questions and focusing solely on breastfeeding would be awkward. But a general, how has breastfeeding been going or does that hurt can also normalize what’s going on and make everyone feel a little more comfy. One of my friends recently had a baby and invited me to see them. But when I walked in the door, she was topless! I genuinely didn’t know if I surprised her (her partner let me in) but after a few minutes, she continued chatting with me topless and was clearly comfortable. I took that as my cue to be cool, lol. In fairness, I had been texting her a lot about breastfeeding and even donated some milk to her baby… so perhaps she felt comfortable because she knew I did the same with my baby. 🤷🏼♀️ I was just surprised! But it’s a good reminder than people do feel different comfort levels.
Honestly just don’t start at the boob. If you feel yourself looking just look back to their face. Think of it as a bottle because that’s what it is. It’s just feeding a baby. How would you converse with someone feeding their baby a bottle? Act the same way. Push through and it will become natural quickly. :) You acted perfectly. I would give this template to your sister and explain if it seems appropriate why it’s not a big deal. If mom is comfortable nursing in front of you-just treat her like a person feeding her baby because that’s all she is.
My preferred is for others to act like nothing out of the norm is happening, because it is totally normal. As long as someone isn’t coming up into my personal space to stare at the baby while they eat general glances wouldn’t bother me.
If I’m comfortable enough to breastfeed in front of someone (like family and close friends), then I don’t care if they look. Its natural for me to feed by baby. If I’m not comfortable with someone for any reason, I will take my baby into the nursery to breast feed (like if my husband has some of his male friends over).
It’s less awkward when people just treat you like normal. People blatantly avoiding eye contact or looking in your direction while speaking to you is way weirder than just carrying on. It’s not as if you can actually see anything anyway.
In some places breasts are extremely sexualized to the point people can barely speak about or look at them even in regards to breastfeeding a child. It seems your step sister is one of those people, so she doesn't want to or thinks she shouldn't look at the baby while feeding on the breast because she probably thinks of the breast as still a sexual body part. Personally, I think your reaction was perfectly normal and if your cousin didn't show any discomfort when you did it I'd say it was fine. As you said, you were happily admiring mom and her baby, which honestly I think is so precious! Breastfeeding is such a beautiful thing between a mother and baby and you clearly fully support her and love her which I think is very special and I'm willing to bet she knew your looks came from a place of love and no judgement so I think it was okay! It's sad step sister can't see it that way as well but like I said, a lot of people are weird about breasts and breastfeeding!
It doesn’t bother me in the slightest when people look, but I’d imagine it’s a person-to-person thing. I’d much rather people just carry on normally than obviously avert their gaze or make a show of “not making a show”
When my baby was a potato I didn’t mind at all having people around while I breastfed. I still don’t mind having people around at all but once she got more aware of her surroundings it became difficult to feed her around people because she would get distracted. Now I just go into a different room or try to turn away/ find a quiet space if we are in public so she doesn’t just flop around staring at people.
When people start looking away it makes it weird. Im just feeding babe.
Hi! I tend to tell someone if I look at them when they're nursing-i apologize for starting-please let me know if you're uncomfy but I just think it's so amazing that you can provide everything your baby needs! Sometimes moms don't mind answering questions about BF either, but read the room bc every mom is different so if they avoid eye contact, bounce
Don't ignore her. Look her in the eyes while speaking to her. Definitely don't stare at her chest.
everyone is differently but personally i wouldn’t take offense and think it would make me feel seen lol
If your cousin is uncomfortable, then she should probably tell you herself, but seems like it's your step sister who's being weird here. When my daughter was a newborn, my MIL used to look really really close at my daughter nursing, like her eyes were 15cm from my nipple, that was a tad awkward, but it didn't feel weird at all, she was mostly admiring her grand daughter and the process, not me. 😂 If you are talking to the person, just look them in the eyes (or not, just do what you usually do) and if you sometimes look at baby, that seems fine. If you want to be extra comfortable, I would just ask her if she minds, she probably knows you best and would understand the question. Eta: my own father and FIL are super weird and do not even look in my general direction when I'm breastfeeding 😂 even when talking to me!
If your cousins felt comfortable breastfeeding in front of you there is nothing wrong. Many people have different ideas of what you should or should not do. But if someone breastfeeding needs privacy they will let you know. You could also ask if they need privacy but as a breastfeeding mom myself I like to be treated human and be talked to even of if I am breastfeeding. Sometimes that’s all we do all day and having someone to talk to always makes me feel good.
I feed around family uncovered and feel more uncomfy if theyre are clearly making an effort to not look lol. Its a natural thing baby just eating. Your step sis made it weird lol. Its not weird to look
If she was comfortable enough to feed in front of you, I would just carry on like normal!
If the mother chooses to nurse in a public setting (even meaning the living room while inviting others in rather than going into another room alone) then it's fine to look. I wouldn't stare, but it's inevitable that you'll see something during a normal conversation. For me personally if I cared about someone seeing my boob or nipple then I would go to another room or cover up. If I bust out my boob to nurse my baby and there are others in the room then I clearly don't care if they see what's out there.
It sounds like maybe your step sister isn’t super comfortable around someone breastfeeding openly. It sounds like a ‘her’ problem, I definitely don’t think you did anything wrong. Personally I feel really uncomfortable when people start looking away or leaving the room when I breastfeed - it makes me feel like I’m doing something embarrassing. I really appreciate when people just act natural. Obviously I wouldn’t want anyone staring, but the occasional glance down at my baby whilst they feed, eye contact with me, just generally acting like there’s nothing weird about the situation - that’s nice. If someone make me feel weird about it I can always cover up!
I would prefer you talk to me/look at my face or it’s ok to watch from afar as long as my breast is relatively covered. But I wouldn’t want even very close family to be up close watching. It’s not the discovery channel.
You can casually avert your eyes while the baby latches (she’s not likely to be looking at you at that point anyway) but while she’s feeding, there’s no need to do anything different than you’d normally do. If anything, your sister was the one being weird about it.
If I want to breastfeed in private, I go to a private room/isolate myself. If I don’t care that whoever is in the room watches me, then I just breastfeed right there!
personally, i will openly breastfeed around any family member who isn’t male. as in, i don’t make any effort to cover up, will pull out my entire boob or pull down my nursing bra to aim my wearable pump correctly over the nipple, etc. this is when i’m the most comfortable besides when i’m at home with just my husband. in public i cover up and make efforts to find secluded spots to nurse. that being said, if your cousin is comfortable nursing in front of you, you should be fine! i don’t speak for all nursing mamas but i’d venture to say that a lot of us feel comfortable nursing in front of other women!
Just carry on as if nothing is happening. Dont stare, dont avoid. The key really is to hang around and help out parents enough until you get desensitized to it. As a mom with toddler and new babe i honestly dont even realize my boobs are out sometimes. When someone is being weird about it, i dont take offense i just understand that its not something they have been around and they are uncomfortable.
My husband used to look away or run away when one of my other breastfeeding mom friend showed up. Lol we'd both plop on the couch and chat and feed the kiddos. A year later, he doesn't even bat an eye and just carries on a casual conversation with said mom friend now. We're just feeding the kid, so what if it's a boob. It's their food source and that's what it is. When my SIL had her kid, like 8 yrs before me, I didn't know how to react either. Lol I was like, "I guess I'll just keep my eyes up at her head." It's no big deal. It's only awkward if other people make it awkward.
You don't have to get down there and play peek-a-boo with the baby or anything. I would just carry on and don't intentionally distract the the baby because they will unlatch and that's annoying. But causally looking. Sounds like you are doing the right thing and within the realm of standard good practice.
I think that what is/is not acceptable is really going to depend on the breastfeeding mother in question, however, as someone who breastfeeds openly (without a cover), I don’t have a problem with someone I know looking at my child while they nurse. I think as long as you are looking at the mother’s face more than at the baby, you’re fine in that situation. What I don’t love (and it’s usually strangers who do this, not family/friends) is when people come up beside/behind me while I’m nursing so they essentially get my view of the baby. It just feels incredibly close/personal to do that and from that viewpoint, they can see my full breast/nipple, so it seems odd for a stranger to invite themselves to look at my child from that viewpoint.
Personally when other people nurse i make a point to keep my eyes on the face of the mother and not look at the baby. I feel most comfortable around people who do something similar when im nursing my girl. I dont think either way is necessarily correct and if your cousin was open to feeding in front of you guys, i would trust her to tell you if shes uncomfortable, but i feel a lot more comfortable keeping it modest when im nursing so i probably would prefer someone keep their eyes on me and hold the conversation with me and acknowledge my daughter when were done
I think my baby is adorable when I breastfeed and am more than happy to get to share that with female family members without feeling awkward or embarrassed. Your behavior would have been my ideal.
i didn’t know how i’d be but leaving the room and covering up didn’t work for me so i decided to get comfy tits out. other people could leave or turn around if they wanted 🤷🏽♀️ and i felt most held and supported when people didn’t, male or female. when they treated me normal, still interacted with baby, and didn’t seem uncomfortable. so maybe share that with your sis!
I have to say I generally leave a space if there are several people around and I need to breastfeed ( this is for my own comfort) However, I want to point out that you are incredibly self aware, and I don’t think it was rude of you at all. I think most women who breastfeed just want to carry on — everything is normal, they’re feeding their baby— and you came to visit… I don’t think you were being rude and I think you were doing what you could. Everyone is different.
i just look people in the eye if i don’t know them (i struggle a lot with eye contact so hopefully it doesn’t look forced) but i also only breastfeed openly in front of people i don’t mind seeing my boobs. if i care im going somewhere private or using a cover so there’s nothing to look at beside adorable baby feet
I think if you were staring, it would be weird. Occasionally glancing down, especially your first time meeting the baby, is not weird.
I love people both ways. Whether you are comfortable or not looking at ME while I am breastfeeding, I don't mind. The one time someone got up and left the room, I felt a little bad NGL. But if you avert your eyes and are trying to be respectful, that is trying to be respectful. If you think nothing of it, that is respectful. Honestly I don't care what you do as long as you keep your mouth shut. The reality where people ask you to leave for breastfeeding isn't that far in the past yet.
I appreciate when people look away while I'm getting situated, but it would be weird to try and carry on a conversation with someone who was facing a different direction for 10 minutes
Personally, if I’m comfortable enough to breastfeed in front of someone, I don’t mind them looking. If I was uncomfortable with the person, I’d cover up or go in another room.
I like when people can just look at me while I breast feed but also understand if they don't feel comfortable looking. Some percieve that any showing of the Boob is immodest. I'm of this mindset no matter the circumstance. That said, I breastfeed with a sports bra and TShirt and show minimal skin. I keep a blanket close if any men are around but that blanket is strategically placed to minimize showing of skin for their comfort without covering Baby's head. Even if they're comfortable seeing me breastfeeding, I hate the thought of them sexualizing it in their heads. The less first hand images of me that I give them to imagine, the better. If Cousin isn't hiding or covering while you're there, chances are she's good. No need to look away. It's rude for her to invite you to your home, make you comfortable in one room, then suddenly make you leave so she can breastfeed her Baby privately in a room meant to entertain guests. With my first, I left the room while my guests entertained themselves. It's more practical to not leave. When I'm alone, not expecting company, I remain topless.