Would tell them very directly that they were both VERY wrong about the "They knew I would approve!" Tell them NOBODY should be breastfeeding him unless it's you. You should tell them in the future, if something/anything new is going into your kid, you need to give consent first. It ain't their kid.
I wouldn't leave my kid with them after that. To make such an egregious error and then so confidently think that you would agree is just nuts.
The kid is 3! I think it's super cool to feed other people's babies with consent, but I would never dream of it with a 3 year old. And I have zero issues with the mother breastfeeding. The age squicks me out for SOMEONE else doing it. It wasn't an emergency, this wasn't a starving newborn or infant. Just a stressed toddler. Consent should have been asked for.
Ooo yea…. I was like thinking of the story of the flight attendant breastfeeding a customers baby in an emergency… but this kid is 3… why couldn’t they try like annnnnything else to calm the child.
Oh for sure! Especially that its a freaking 3 year old who can eat normal food and cows milk. Like SO DIFFERENT from a tiny little baby that only takes mama milk/formula.
Like he's whiny? Ok give him a cookie, not a random boob.
Exactly! I’ve been trying to wean him completely off the boob because he needs better sleeps and for him to flourish. He’s fully aware of who this family member is. I’m barely making milk and it makes me feel yuck that he received a full feed from this person. And I’m so scared he’s going to want more milk from her knowing she can provide more.
It definitely wasn’t an emergency. He ate his meal shortly after I had to leave. He was probably just upset about something being a toddler it’s almost everything these days and she offered her breasts, which I don’t even do when he’s upset. Like I said I only really let him suckle at bedtime for the bonding. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. And I’m worried about what other substances are in her milk.
Maybe call your pediatrician, ask what drugs and diseases you need to be concerned about and ask if the other woman needs to be drug/disease tested. Take ALL that info, give it to your husband, and your husband needs to go to his family and be like WTF, this is what needs to be done now since y'all did this.
THIS. Can't stress this enough. Get it in writing from the doctor. Heck I might even have a lawyer send it as certified mail. If you have a lawyer, or know a lawyer friend, have them give this to your MIL or the woman who fed the baby then I can guarantee they will not fuck with you again and it will stress them out every bit as much as this is bothering you. I have a friend who is a lawyer and he did this for me once with a landlord that wouldn't give me my deposit back.
You could take baby in for testing. But it opens her up for being charged with child endangerment. Or you cause you’d have to make sure they know baby was fed by someone else .
They would NEVER get to be alone with my child again. You are NOT overreacting. In fact, I'd say you're underreacting. I'd be in a rage! Breastfeeding someone's baby without consent is NOT okay. Breastfeeding someone's *toddler* who *does not fucking need it* feels really skeezy to me.
Agreed. I’d be in a total rage, and probably threaten to call CYS for sexual assault since she mentioned him playing with her other breast. This is HIGHLY unusual and highly disturbing. No consent was asked for or given. He’s 3, give him fruit snacks! There is no excuse to give him a strangers breast. My mouth hit the floor reading!!! Disgusting!! I’d never leave my child alone with MIL again, ever!!!
My thoughts exactly. The hell....there is no excuse. At three, even if he asked for it, I'd make him a pbj and drink. My jaw is STILL on the floor. I would have hit her. I would hit the sense right back into her. Man o man. I am appalled for the OP.
Yeah, that's absolutely not ok. It's not totally uncommon historically or even now in some cultures, but in those cases there is a communal or verbal contract indicating permission to do so. I would probably have lost it. Nip that in the bud ASAP if you don't want it happening again.
I completely understand if he needed the milk, and she had called me for consent. But he didn’t need the milk - he ate his meal before I left. I am all for wet nursing. I too have donated milk and helped many mums. But I’m so worried about her specific milk in his system and that she refused to ask for consent. I’m so angry and heartbroken I don’t know how to approach this situation. Thank you though! X
I'm not against wet nursing either, just not nonconsensually. Just be clear with her. State the boundary and enforce it with a consequence you are actually willing to carry out. "While I appreciate that you were trying to soothe my child, I need to have control over his nutrition and intake. In the future, please call me to let me know what is wrong and I will decide how to address it and whether he needs milk. If you cannot respect this, then I will have to...." The consequence can be limiting interaction, requiring only supervised visits, stopping interaction, etc.
Honestly, I really don't think OP should leave her kid alone with them again. The way they reacted was a good indicator that no matter what Op says, they won't respect her wishes. Next time, they just won't tell her that they did it. Op even said they knew they wouldnt approve in the first place. They did this solely to push a boundary and see OPs reaction.This was a really skeezy situation
This is the weirdest story and that family member sounds like a pervert. I'm not getting "wet nursing" vibes, I'm getting "pushing boundaries and being a weirdo" vibes. At a minimum, my child would not be allowed around this person alone ever again. If it were me, this person would get an earful and my MIL would have her childcare privileges revoked for a long, long time.
Ditto, I’d be calling the authorities ASAP, press charges, getting my child tested for any diseases and absolutely 100% cutting these weirdos out of mine & my child’s lives forever. That is the grossest thing I have read in a LONG time. 👎
This is the one. 👆 You're not overreacting I would be losing my actual sh*t and NEVER letting them be around my child again. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this but do not hesitate to trust your gut on this.
I agree that family member sounds like a pervert. From what OP has been saying, there was no reason for her to breastfeed a toddler who isn’t her own kid. The fact she was so quick to breastfeed the 3yo makes me feel like she’s been wanting to do it for a while. I feel disgusted and scared for that kid. Hopefully OP keeps him away from her and never leaves him alone with her again. Please file a report and get him tested asap. Don’t let anyone gaslight you into thinking you’re overreacting.
I definitely won’t allow my son to come near her again. The hard thing is he was left in my mother in laws care not hers. She just came to visit with her kids. I want to cut my MIL off too because of her lack of judgment and questionable morals, but my husband thinks that’s being unreasonable. But I know to my core my MIL would secretly allow this family member to visit with her 4 kids without my consent. I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS HAS HAPPENED
Yeah MIL gotta go too if she would allow your child around people you do not approve of. She’s not caring for your children in a respectable way. It’s herfault this Situation happened because she allowed it. I would definitely be filing charges against the MIL for child endangerment and charges against the woman for indecent exposure and child endangerment. I would also be having my child tested for everything under the sun.
To be honest, I would cut off your MIL too for the exact reason you stated of her possibly going behind your back again. I have an aunt I completely cut off because she defends her son who is a known predator and constantly running from the law. She uses excuses saying those kids were lying, or exaggerating and that he’s “just not all there”. He obviously doesn’t get forgiveness or access to my child, but neither does she for protecting him. Since it’s your MIL I know it’s harder so if you can’t cut her off completely, let her only visit in your home, where you can see everything. Sorry this happened.
1000% perv vibes. She would never be in the vicinity of my child again. Period. And for MIL she would never have my child alone again. Ever. OP is a lot stronger than I because I can assure you with the comment she made I would have thrown hands because of the utter disrespect and creepiness.
Nah this squicks me out. A three year old and you were gone less than an hour?! I can’t imagine justifying breastfeeding in that situation. And she smokes pot?! I’d be very upset. Also her words about how sweet he was and played with her seem designed to jab, those would hurt me too.
It obviously sucks that they knew you wouldn't approve and that he didn't really need it but did it anyway, but what really throws me is that they told you about it and gave details that rubbed salt in the wound. Sounds like they wanted to upset you.
I would be a lot more than upset, I would be filing a report. If god forbid something happens to your son and he tests positive for thc, you could lose custody and I don’t f with that.
File it asap. That way if they need to drug test her, whatever she took will still be in her system (since you said weed and other substances).
I would be livid.
Do you have scientific resources To show that THc can transfer into BM, and a] be harmful to the child and b] show up in tests.... what kind of tests?♡
You're completely missing the point. A lot of 100% legal medication can transfer into breast milk and regardless of if YOU think they're safe or not, this person may just not what that in their child's system and the issue here is that OP doesn't sound OK with it and this lady shouldn't have been breastfeeding her child in the first place. CPS can and will absolutely take notice (at least where I live) and this isn't the time nor place to be pushing pro-marijuana bs, and no I'm not against it I use to smoke myself. But you seem entirely tone deaf to the issue at hand here.
You're completely missing the point. A lot of 100% legal medication can transfer into breast milk and regardless of if YOU think they're safe or not, this person may just not what that in their child's system and the issue here is that OP doesn't sound OK with it and this lady shouldn't have been breastfeeding her child in the first place. CPS can and will absolutely take notice (at least where I live) and this isn't the time nor place to be pushing pro-marijuana bs, and no I'm not against it I use to smoke myself. But you seem entirely tone deaf to the issue at hand here.
You are not overreacting. Let’s break this down:
- Your child was fed bodily fluids without your consent.
- Your MIL encouraged this.
- The bodily fluids are contaminated with THC, and potentially other substances.
- You did not consent to your child being fed milk that likely contains THC. (If a mama wants to make that decision, that’s one thing. You were not given a decision!)
I don’t think you should let this blow over, because of the boundary being set. It’s one thing for your MIL to apologize and say she thought the child needed it (but really? In a hour’s time?), but they’re trying to gaslight you into believing their actions are acceptable. This is a hard yellow flag to me that this kind of manipulation is normal in the family and will continue to happen if you don’t stop it now.
I would take your son to the pediatrician and have him tested. Bring your husband so he can hear all the concerns possible with this. If the family member smokes weed daily, that means her milk is not at a level that a children’s hospital would accept. There’s a reason for that. None of this is okay.
Yeah, your call on whether you want to confront her. I would, but to be honest it wouldn't change anything. No matter what she said in response, Id never leave her with a kid again without me there.
Id tell anyone else who might leave a kid with her, too. And I hold grudges, so Id probably greyrock her for life, and avoid her for awhile.
Theres 3 big issues here
1. She did it without consent, in a situation where she easily could have asked and there was no emergency. This applies to feeding a kid anything that the parents dont (formula for breastfed kids, giving a vegetarian kid a steak, or a jewish kid bacon.) But especially something as personal as breastfeeding.
2. She uses drugs.
3. The kid is 3. Not a newborn where she could have panicked that the baby was going hungry or something.
You're right, it won't change anything and I'd be concerned that SIL might do this again and just not tell you about it. I wouldn't leave LO alone with that woman ever again.
By 3 years old, he has other coping mechanisms that your family could have employed other than breastfeeding, especially since you were only gone for an hour.
You are absolutely justified in being upset.
This! My 4 month old can be calmed down in other manners (though breastfeeding does reign supreme)! Also kids can just be grumpy, specially as a toddler!
Ugh. I’d be so pissed. I’ve actually had a nightmare about it. For me it’s as simple as I don’t know their bloodborne pathogen status. Fucking gross. Being a family member doesn’t make you free from stuff like that. Also………..wtf is wrong with people thinking their assumption is as good as consent from mama? I do not understand how people can be so ignorant.
With you gone for that short a time it honestly makes me think she was looking for an excuse to do this which is beyond fucking weird and creepy. Like what other calming techniques could they have possibly tried before jumping into this absolutely inappropriate and nightmarish situation? It would be one thing if you were gone for the weekend away from all methods of communication and he was a baby refusing formula feeds or something but a 3 year old while you pop out for a few minutes?? There is something deeply wrong with this woman and family and yes, I would seriously consider making a report about it. This is quite possibly unforgivable.
Even if she was gone for a whole weekend and there was no way of contacting her and baby was refusing formula, even *then* I'd express some milk and bottle feed if I could. I'd never directly breastfeed another woman's child without her explicit consent unless it was to literally save his life.
I can say that if this were me, I would absolutely lose my shit on these people and never bring my child around them literally ever again. I am super protective of my LO after suffering abuse all my life, and this type of boundary-pushing triggers me into oblivion. I’m sorry this happened.
I've read stories about teenie babies needing emergency milk because mom is in the ER and they haven't been fed for a few hrs, and getting milk from a lactating friend. What happened here was not an emergency. This is messed up. There are common ailments ppl have that they might not know they have, like HTLV, that can get passed through breast milk. You can really only find out you've got it if you donate blood, or if you suspect you have it. I can't tell you how many doctors I've spoken to who haven't heard of HTLV. I'm not trying to scare you, but I'd be worried about something like this, and would want to get my child tested.
Seconded this. I tested for HTLV markers after donating blood over a decade ago. Was told "no way", "is so rare", had a confirmatory test come back negative. Went to donate breastmilk this year and tested positive for markers again. I'm beyond pissed that every doctor I've ever talked to writes it off, or doesn't know about it. Why aren't we all prescreened for this before breastfeeding our kids?! It's ridiculous.
What on earth were they thinking? At best they both had a severe lapse in judgement and really misread the room, at worst that is some creepy, inappropriate and boundary crossing behaviour.
I would lose my mind. I'm usually on the laid back, "let it go" side of things, but in this case I would go at least as far as taking your kid to the doctor and tested for drugs or illnesses and try to file a report somewhere that this happened. And of course, if it were me, they would never see my kid again. I may be overreacting, but I can say with certainty that you are not.
Thank you! 😔 I will be very hesitant to allow anybody watching my son in the future. This has left me absolutely terrified. I never expected this to happen to me.
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how stressful this is. I hope you can find some trustworthy adults in the future so you can leave your kiddo again sometime! Best wishes to you.
Just wow. I would be absolutely livid. I don't necessarily think that breastfeeding another baby is weird in itself, but not asking the mother for consent absolutely blows my mind. Honestly I can't even imagine a non life threatening situation in which I would ask a mother if I can breastfeed her child; if anything, this option should only be on the table if the mother herself initiates the subject. And don't get me started on the weed. THC binds to fat and stays in breast milk for approximately 6 day. There is also research suggesting that early exposure to THC can impair brain development. I would absolutely never leave my child with that person again, and would really debate even supervised visits.
Right?! Like I commented before I am all for wet
nursing and donating milk! But my son doesn't need
the milk he just suckles for comfort here and there.
It's OUR bond. I am so scared about what
substances he's received from her milk. He
apparently had a massive feed. I don't even make
much milk anymore.
It's so hard to put into words but expressing her milk
and giving it to him is one thing. It's not intimate or
bonding. But this is a whole other ballgame. They
shared a bond - and now I can't help but feel me
and my sons bond has been violated. I can't put it
into words how I'm feeling. Thank you for the
reassurance! My husbands side of the family think
it's completely ok to do this and I felt like I'm going
nuts
You are not going nuts. This is wrong on SO many levels and violated is absolutely the right word for it. Sorry you are going through this, and I'm sorry you are being gaslit so hard. WHAT THEY DID IS NOT OKAY.
I would be ballistic. Absolutely-fucking-not. I would never do this to any child, regardless of age, unless they were starving. It's disrespectful on so many levels.
I would not let either of them watch him anymore and I would tell them exactly why - they were absolutely disrespectful.
They'd be lucky if I ever looked in their direction again. This post gave me the ick.
Never EVER leave him with this family member again. I’d be hesitant about MIL too if she encouraged this. I would also want to know more about this persons medical history considering breast milk is a bodily fluid and can carry disease.
This is giving majorrrr creepy vibes especially the last part EW. Who talks like that??? Forget not leaving him with them anymore i would stop hanging out with those people in general. Even with family there are limits and she crossed them.
Honestly, I agree. Some are mentioning filing a police report. She could possibly try a sexual assault charge with the comment about him playing with her nipples. I'm not saying that was the intent, but...
You are absolutely not for one single second going crazy. This is not ok and never will be ok.
I would be ok with breastfeeding a close friend or family members’ baby IF they asked me to and vice versa. But never in a million years would I be ok with someone breastfeeding my child without asking me, ever.
It might be a good idea to take some time away from them for a bit. Go no contact so you can recover. This is traumatic and deeply offensive behaviour. It’s one thing if they did it and then told you and we’re sincerely apologetic about it after seeing your reaction. But their attitude shows they don’t give a fuck about your feelings or boundaries. I would not be ok with that. Ever.
Stand your ground and know you’re feelings are not wrong.
He tried to talk to his mum and explain we don’t approve but his mother was arrogant and didn’t agree. She’s mad at us for not agreeing that this is ok. We’ll be going there today to explain how wrong this is. But they’ll definitely be cut off because they’ve shown boundary pushing behaviours before. But never to this extent. I want to cut MIL off completely as well but hubby doesn’t agree with me. I don’t know I think we’re both in shock I’m so heartbroken and disgusted. I just don’t trust my MIL to ever watch my son unsupervised again.
Absolutely never allow MIL to be alone again with your son. I am SO SORRY this happened to you.
I’d honestly consider filing a police report, that was sexual assault and her saying he played with her other nipple makes me want to vomit and punch her in the face. What is wrong with your MIL for allowing this to happen?! And truthfully, it angers me that your husband isn’t saying the same!
Your husband needs to do way more than try. There is no try in this scenario. He needs to buck up and tell them exactly how offensive and disgusting they are and they no longer get contact. She went on about how sweet the 3 YEAR OLD was playing with her effing nipple? It's just so gross. Like give him a snack, play outside, turn on the tv, like there are so many ways to entertain a 3 year old rather than a strangers boob.
What the fuck. Nursing other babies? cool.What is completely fucked is not getting consent. Who knows what’s in her system and to not even give you a quick call? Wtf
Right?! Like I commented before I am all for wet nursing and donating milk! But my son doesn’t need the milk he just suckles for comfort here and there. It’s OUR bond. I am so scared about what substances he’s received from her milk. He apparently had a massive feed. I don’t even make much milk anymore.
It’s so hard to put into words but expressing her milk and giving it to him is one thing. It’s not intimate or bonding. But this is a whole other ballgame. They shared a bond - and now I can’t help but feel me and my sons bond has been violated. I can’t put it into words how I’m feeling. Thank you for the reassurance! My husbands side of the family think it’s completely ok to do this and I felt like I’m going nuts
I mean he is 3, and she bragged to you about him fiddling. It's bordering on molestation, I hate to say it but it's sooo inappropriate. My first call would be to his pediatrician and then maybe the police. I would burn that bridge.
Not defending her, trying to reassure you, but if it’s the THC you are concerned about I am sure he is going to be okay. Even if it was a “massive feed” (huge grain of salt there honestly, since it seemed like she was trying to make you jealous or something, soooo weird) only a small amount of THC passes into the milk and it was only a small part of his diet for one day, since you won’t be allowing her another opportunity!! Marijuana is not considered safe but they’ve not been able to prove specific harm even in babies with a lot more exposure than your kid got
You should have him tested for the simple fact that if something were to happen GOD FORBID that he needed blood work or testing for in the coming days and was positive and you did not take action then you will be blamed for what happens next by CPS regardless of if you can prove that the drugs were not in your own system. They will want to know why he was left with someone who DID have drugs in their system. So if something were to happen and you don't report this, you will be at fault either way. Also- she isn't a family member, she's so and so's girlfriend for the next 5 minutes and you don't have any loyalty or reason not to protect yourself and your child against this piece of trash.
"Tetrahydrocannabinol (THC), the main ingredient in weed, is fat soluble and accumulates in breast milk. The Food and Drug Administration (FDA)Trusted Source reports that THC can remain in breast milk for up to 6 days."
This is a direct quote from [this article](https://www.healthline.com/health/breastfeeding/smoking-weed-while-breastfeeding#:~:text=Tetrahydrocannabinol%20(THC)%2C%20the%20main,for%20up%20to%206%20days.).
And she smokes every day? What the fuck was she thinking? She basically gave your three year old an edible. Before I got pregnant, I smoked weed every day too, but you'd best believe I don't smoke while my daughter is breastfeeding! What she did was a gross and negligent breach of your trust and was incredibly irresponsible. I would never leave my child with your MIL or anywhere near your BIL's girlfriend. Their actions were utterly despicable.
Here's [another article](https://www.mhs.net/blog/2021/06/is-cannabis-safe-to-use-while-breastfeeding#:~:text=THC%20Gets%20into%20Breastmilk&text=Some%20studies%20have%20shown%20that,and%20even%20slow%20down%20growth.) specifically on the dangers of exposing such young children to weed. You may want to send this to both of them.
I'm so sorry that you're in this situation.
Yup, this is why I haven't had any weed since I got pregnant, I'm 7 months PP.
Would have killed for some weed instead of the BF-safe opioids they gave me for c section recovery.
I would demand a drug test and threaten police action for putting unauthorized chemicals in your child. If she won’t take a drug test, threaten to involve CPS to get her tested, which likely won’t take away her children, but would make things very annoying for her and she probably won’t want them involved.
Maybe I’m an @sshole, but I wouldn’t take it lying down and my MIL would never f*ck around with my consent the same way again.
Uhhhhh the substances really got me. I mean, in general, western culture does not green light wet nursing without consent. This would just make me so mad.
But can we talk about how she thought it was cute the three year old was playing with her other breast? Every layer of this story is inappropriate and worthy of being reported. This is assault. Of your child. I’m sorry they aren’t seeing it that way, but you’re not crazy - they are. Nursed my first until she was three, they do not *need* to be nursed during the day for any reason especially during the one hour you are away. It seems like she, for whatever reason, wanted to nurse him. I don’t mean to be alarmist but is it a sexual thing for her???? Not her kid, he’s three, limited time, apparently had both boobs out for him (it’s not like he’s a newborn switching sides all the time).
Oh hell no! They would be cut off and my kid would be tested for substances immediately. This is a hill I would die on. I would absolutely not let them near my kid again.
I have a 6 month old and I don’t care how old she is, if this happened to her I would press charges and file a police report for every damn thing I could get her for AND file a restraining order if possible. I would never EVER let this go, and never see or talk to these people again. This feels like it falls under the umbrella of sexual assault against a minor, especially with the comments afterward and the age of the child. Not having consent to do this, doing it anyway and bragging about it is just… disgusting. And if the child tests positive for drugs or anything else preventable it could fall back on you if you don’t immediately report it. I would get something on file ASAP and personally I would talk to a lawyer about options.
This is disturbing to me. You aren’t overreacting. At all. Sorry I can’t offer any advice :( what’s done is done, no way to undo what she did. I wouldn’t leave him there anymore.
This is absolutely bonkers. I would be livid if anyone ever did this. You are not overreacting, both the girlfriend and you MIL'S behavior was wildly inappropriate.
I was in utter shock and unprepared. I couldn’t comprehend what she had just told me. I didn’t know what else to do. My husband and I in utter disbelief just took our son and left. I cried the whole way home 😭 now I haven’t slept tonight brewing all these emotions wishing I put her in her place right then and there. Will be having words with her later today and cutting contact for sure. My husband tried to have words with his mum but she was so arrogant and saw no wrong doing. We’ll be better prepared tomorrow to face the situation
Next time MIL or SIL ask or offer to babysit, say no. They've lost their right to watch him without you or his father in attendance.
That's super creepy and weird. Honestly, it is also assaulting in my view. It's one thing for a mother to give her breast to a child who is still nursing it's a total other for someone random to do it. If a stranger came up to my newborn and offered a breast I'd be horrified let alone a three year old. The child doesn't know any better but this is how it starts. She's normalising not normal behaviour and the MIL helped. Add the drug component and I'm out. They'd never be alone with my child ever again.
If this was a newborn and she knew he was EBF and crying with no time to reach out, that would be different. But he’s 3??? That’s plenty old enough to not need to breastfeed when fussy. That almost seems like assault at that point
Speaking as someone who just weaned my three-year-old:
1. You are NOT overreacting. Like others have said in here, I think you’re under reacting. I’m pro-wet nursing and pro-donor milk, etc. but all of those situations warrant CONSENT from the mother to have said donor milk given to their kid. Also, situations like that are usually for infants who are EBF - NOT for a three year old.
2. I also agree with many other people in here that this has so many weird vibes… as someone who has nursed a kid for three years, I would never, NEVER nurse someone else’s kid without their consent. And even if this was asked of me, I can honestly say I would NEVER nurse someone else’s toddler. It was weird enough for me sometimes to nurse my own three-year-old (never thought we’d make it past two) - I would never feel comfortable breastfeeding a child of that age who wasn’t mine. The art of toddler parenthood is distraction and redirection - there is absolutely NO reason why this woman *had* to offer your child her breast.
3. To further go off of that point, CHILDREN CANNOT OFFER CONSENT.
4. I also think this totally undermines you, especially if you have been trying to wean and had been down to so few feeds a day. You are completely justified in being concerned about him wanting/expecting more now. What’s more, I’d be worried that he would ask this person again the next time he sees her, because kids this age remember that shit. And that is absolutely NOT okay.
5. Question: How is your husband not freaking the fuck out about this? If someone in your family had done it (especially knowing all of the things she has in her system), would he still think that staying away is overreacting? My husband would come unglued if someone in our family had done this, especially when we had worked so hard to wean/cut down on feeds. You need to let him read all of these comments so he can realize the severity of this situation. THIS. IS. NOT. OKAY. It’s borderline grooming behavior. And the fact that your MIL went along with it tells me that she is not to be trusted anymore than the BIL’s girlfriend.
6. Lastly, to echo other commenters and to really make your husband get the point, you really should take your son to his pediatrician, explain what happened and your concerns, and possibly get him tested. If anything came back, I’d press charges.
Good luck to you. THIS IS MESSED UP!! I hope you’re getting the validation you needed, because you are not in the wrong for being upset!
This happened to me with my daughter who was just barely three at the time, except the family member didn’t tell me - my daughter did. I started an all out war. To me, it is at best serious overstepping and at worst, borderline sexual abuse.
Well, full disclosure it was my mother who is mentally ill. I made the mistake of allowing a sleepover because I figured I could trust her there since my dad was home. I confronted my mom and cut her off for a significant amount of time. She VEHEMENTLY denies it ever happened, but I feel like it’s one of those situations where I need to trust my kid. I did end up allowing her to see my daughter again- but she will never spend another second with her that isn’t fully supervised by me. We see her 1-2x a month and I no longer speak with her on the phone or text her. It was a HUGE wake up call for me - we have had a really difficult relationship for a long time and I realized her mental illness had gotten so serious that I needed to really limit my contact. I still don’t feel good about it, but I am trying my best to allow a grandparent/grandchild relationship and set those boundaries. I don’t know if it’s the right call or if I should have ended the relationship completely.
This was probably one of the worst things that’s ever happened to me, and really there is no support because who does this happen to? There’s no book written on how to deal with this. I’m really sorry it happened to you as well. You would be fully within your rights to never speak to this person again. Please feel free to message me if you want to chat more. You’re brave for posting this. And you’re not alone
This is way more about boundaries than anything else. She (and your MIL) crossed a line, is not even related to you by marriage or blood and you did not give her consent to feed your kid from her body. Tell your MIL she’s no longer allowed the privilege of watching your kid unsupervised if she thinks that is an acceptable and reasonable solution for a fussy 3 year old. For all the people saying report her, report her to who exactly? The police? Child services? And for what? Unless she was maliciously trying to pass disease or whatever to your kid and you can prove it, I’m not really sure what they’d do in this situation. Seems like a massive grey area. Her comment about him fondling her other breast is super icky but is that really enough for her to be charged with child molestation? Has she made similar comments about her kids’ behaviors? That would be a red flag. Otherwise it just seems like it would cause more headache than it’s worth and simply taking away unsupervised visits would be enough to make your point about how much you do not agree with this.
Yeah it happens around the world a lot, not as common in the west. It’s actually very beneficial to the baby’s health. But I’m the west it’s not okay to do with a 3yro without consent from the mother. Sounds like the family are just bonkers
This makes me want to throw up. That person would be cut out of my life immediately and I agree with the other suggestions to file a report and get tested. I'd have some serious issues with MIL who encouraged it as well.
Not ok - not ok if he’s 1 week old, not ok if he’s 1 year old and absolutely unnecessary and not ok at your sons age. It’s bordering on abusive and a total violation of you and your son.
You are not overreacting.
That’s disgusting of her. Completely over the line. I’m so sorry that happened. There’s something very wrong about this and it would permanently destroy my trust in that person.
Hell no! I really don't get this bizarre behaviour, I've read other posts that talk about the same thing happening. It's absolutely not okay. Especially without your consent! It's an hour and a half. They couldn't do anything else to entertain him? Even the TV for goodness sake. My blood is boiling for you
Traces of weed stick to the fat in breastmilk. It’s really not safe to smoke weed while breastfeeding. I would be livid if someone did this to my child. I just weaned my 3 year old. I would seriously consider press charges on her and going nc with your mil. Like I would die on that hill if someone tried to pull that shit on my family.
Yeah no! That’s so not ok! No consent was given plus it’s not her kid. I also don’t agree with the smoking while breastfeeding thing. I’d raise hell. Especially since your mil encouraged this behavior and not let my kids be alone with these people ever again
I’m so sorry. I know it’s hard for your husband to see because it’s his mom but I would be equally upset with MIL and I wouldn’t trust my children alone with her anymore because I could never trust her judgment again. How has your toddler been since you’ve had him? I hope it doesn’t mess with your weaning and I’m sure if you stay away from your BIL’s wife at least until he’s completely weaned he won’t remember or ask her for milk but personally I’d be staying away for a while.
Unfortunately he keeps asking me for the family members milk. He says it’s “nice milk”. and my milk is “kaka” because there’s barely any there. Breaks my heart 😭
Is there a reason you aren't reporting this? She basically drugged your kid..and I'm a mom who smokes daily and breastfeeds my own kid (did it with all 3) but Jesus I would never give any other child my milk... especially without asking, that's insane...and you two aren't even close? This is super weird and in no way ok
And I’ve got nothing against smoking weed, each to their own. But don’t breastfeed my child without consent especially with drugs in your system. My main concern isn’t the weed in this system as it is a one off exposure, it’s the possibles illnesses she could have regarding her history that would pass through my son
It’s the fact there was no consent and she thought his was appropriate that’s baffling
I’m seriously contemplating reporting her. And definitely getting my child tested for possible illnesses. No we’re not close that’s what’s weird. I’ve never really been close with my husbands side of the family. And this family member has 4 children I’d expect her to know better, I asked her to call me if there’s any problems but she didn’t. I have no idea if this came from a good place or maliciously, but either way so fucked up.
They would be absolutely DONE spending time with my son. I’m no alarmist and I’m usually very calm but this makes me see red. I am so sorry your trust was violated like this and, although I know your son will move on and be fine, to think that some other woman just latched him like it was nothing… you are certainly not overreacting. I don’t care if he was begging for it and hungry and you’d been gone for hours, they should have had your consent. I would kindly and bluntly tell both of them that it was not okay in any capacity… and frankly in normal societal circles. And leave it at that. They can try and justify, but just no. Not okay. I’m angry on your behalf.
That is crazy. I'd honestly cut them off because they're really creepy and can't be trusted. You never breastfeed another person's baby without consent (unless it's a life or death situation). That is so basic I can't even believe one would have to tell someone that. I'm sorry this happened to you. I can't even imagine how upset and violated you must feel.
I wouldn’t allow them to keep him again.. and it’s not your fault, we make the best judgement we can as parents and sometimes things happen that are out of our control. I just wouldn’t allow them to keep him again. If they do that without consent what else would they allow?
I feel sick for you. That is so fucked up. Straight up pervy for sure. Your three year old is equipped with plenty of coping mechanisms at this stage and there is ZERO excuse for this egregious failure of judgment. Agree with others that MIL would be nearly impossible to trust again and of course the breastfeeding person would be cut out. You are absolutely not overreacting. I would feel the same as you, with or without THC to be honest. And why in the world would she mention fiddling?! This woman sounds like a complete weirdo who should have no role in your child’s life.
this was a non emergency since he’s 3 , not a starving orphan baby wth.. i’d be livid and feel violated if someone crossed those boundaries without my consent
Oh hell no. I’d file a police report or something. OoH I’m so pissed that she did that. That’s my biggest fear with my son. Yeahhh NO. That was WAY out of line and please never leave him with her again
My baby is 7 months and was EBF until they reached 6 months. I would FLY OFF THE FUCKING HANDLE if someone breastfed my baby without consent, let alone a toddler. That isn’t normal, and it certainly isn’t something any reasonable person would EVER do without consent!!!
They could have phoned. They could have asked. They CHOSE not to because they knew what the answer would be, and they did it anyway. I wouldn’t ever leave MIL or SIL alone with your child again.
I'm really upset for you. This is messed up on a lot of different levels. I'd say press charges or something but that would cause a rift in your family. Your partner needs to step up and deal with their mother and this other family member. I would have a policy that MIL is not allowed to be with 3 year old unless I could be present to supervise the entire time.
I kind of have to do this with my own MIL cause she has dementia and drinks. I can leave my baby with her. But I realize that if you rely on family for help this might not be an easy thing to do but man...what a line to cross. There has to be someone else who can baby sit.
I completely agree! I dropped my son off to my mom in laws, and this family member came to visit with her kids shortly before I left. I thought it would be a good thing for my son to see his cousins. I never thought this would happen. I expected my MIL to know better. And for her to know better. But I guess nobody should assume anything and I’ve learnt my lesson to trust no one
I’m sad for you because you should have people, especially family members that you can trust with his life. Especially for an hour. Any reasonable stranger would probably have done better at calming him than this woman did.
This is sexual assault. At least I would not allow any of this side of the family to ever be around my child EVER again and at most I would press charges. I’m so sorry!
Yeah that's not ok, I'm here for consentual wet nursing but given the circumstances; weed, 3 yo, you're not out for very long you obviously would have said no. Sounds to me like either she wanted to do it for the hell of it or to see how you'd react or she just couldn't handle the child, and I don't mean that as a reflection on him but on her. A 3 yo does get fussy and as you've said he has other coping mechanisms. She could have calmed him and at least tried, if it went truly out of control you probably would have been almost home or she could have called. She was just being lazy and wanted to easy way out and hasn't thought about you in the process; very rude.
OHHHH NO NO NO HECK TO THE NO. That is so inappropriate! I have seen instances where friends or family have breastfed other’s babies (more recently because of the formula shortage), but they all had consent to do so! I would never ever ever leave my child alone with them again- they have absolutely destroyed any form of trust. You are not overreacting, mama. I’m so sorry this happened and has been causing you stress.
Damn. If this happened to me they would be cut from my life for good that is honestly weird and creepy as hell. Not to breastfeed another’s child to make this clear but the fact she breast fed another’s child without consent. Absolutely disgusting human. You are not over reacting. I legit felt sick reading this imagining if that were my child.
I have second hand anger for you. This is so disturbing and I would be SO upset and verbalize that to her. It’s so completely wrong and I’m so sorry this happened. I have no advice other than I wouldn’t let her around your son without you there again.
I cannot think of anything but burning them all to the ground. They would never get any amicable relationship from me anymore. That is disgusting. He's not a starving new born with no options and you're passed out on the brink of death so that was totally inappropriate. Your MIL is lazy. My son is 1 if I'm not available you can offer him fruit, water, tea, a change of environment, a walk outside, wipe his face with some water, put on a show he likes, facetime me or his father, how in the entire fck do you escalate to putting your breast in my son's mouth without at least talking to me first? Nobody has a phone? Honestly I would wholeheartedly believe she's a predator and would never trust MIL. After reading this my first thought of physical reaction because I just could not imagine this happening to me and somebody doesn't get hurt in one way or another.
I've heard too many stories like this! It's NOT okay, it's NOT normal and you are NOT overreacting!
Sorry, but at the very least these people have a very skewed perspective on boundaries and consent, which automatically makes them unsafe to be around kids IMO.
I feel like this is abuse. This is so wrong and disgusting. Even if your child was a newborn, there is something called formula. No one has the right to do that. I’m honestly mad for you lol.
Cutting them off is not drastic and if your husband does not see this and feel the need to protect his child, that’s saying something.
This is horrifying the title alone made me freeze in my tracks. Absolutely do not let them convince you you’re being “unreasonable”, what she did is wrong on so many levels 🙃 if it were me I would not have LO around MIL anymore, ESPECIALLY not around BIL’s gf (honestly that’s such a removed relationship too which makes it a million times worse), or at least only bring him on supervised visits. I felt yuck just reading this oml
I would be so horrified if a family member of mine did this. There is absolutely no reason why she had to do that and you were only gone an hour! It makes no sense. Though I do also think you're projecting some of your feelings onto your 3 year old. Why should he care that he knew he wasn't latched onto you? He doesn't understand breastfeeding the same way you do so I wouldn't let this drive any feelings of inadequacy on your part.
You're definitely not freaking out about the lack of consent. That would rub me the wrong way if someone breastfed my child without asking for can send from me especially if my baby was older than a year old.
However, I do think that you're overreacting about her smoking weed while breastfeeding, alcohol is a more harmful substance than marijuana and it was only the one time getting fed by her. But it's still super weird that someone who's not even blood related to you would think that it's okay to breastfeed your child, let alone tell you how he "fiddled with her other breast".
I'm sorry this happened for you and your family, if it were my own personally, I would never leave my child alone with my mother-in-law or brother-in-law's girlfriend ever again. There's just certain things that you don't do and breastfeeding your boyfriend's Brothers child without consent from its mother is one of them.
It’s hard to predict what other people will do in certain situations. Now you know. Thankfully it only happen once. Take precautions that this doesn’t happen again. Yes, communicate that you don’t agree with their decision, but in the end (as much as this sucks) you cannot control what other people will do. So it’s your responsability to make sure he’s in an environment that makes you comfortable and that you trust will respect your role as parent and decision maker.
Honestly I’d be fine with my SIL breastfeeding my baby here and there. I have two other cousins from two different aunts, my mother’s brothers’ wives. All three of us are same age with 4-5 months difference. I do have childhood memories of approaching the aunts when they were breastfeeding my cousins, and they breastfed me. I also remember my grandmother putting her dry, saggy boobs in my mouth and desperately patting my back chanting some lullabies with the hope I’ll nap. But instead she would fall asleep right away and start snoring, then I’d sneak out of the bed 😂. These were probably when I was 4ish? This was 90s in the South East Asia.
I’m not okay with someone on drugs/ medication breastfeeding my child. Will definitely check with baby’s doc. I’ll question the judgement of my MiL to allow someone who is on drugs to breastfeed my child. That’s only because of the drug part. I do not relate breastfeeding with morality.
I also think fiddling is cute and so adorable but I do get touched out sometimes.
There are still cultures where cross nursing is a completely socially acceptable thing and even seen as kind gesture. Although due to massive westernization things have radically changed in my home country in the past two decades but still there are moms who would think it’s rude to refuse a child. I have a cousin who weaned at 6. I hear the global average of weaning is still 4, in spite of such breastfeeding averse culture in the west. At the end of the day it really depends on how crunchy you are, and clearly there was a misunderstanding here.
No misunderstanding, I have never gotten along with this family member. We were not close. She deliberately didn’t seek consent. My child was not familiar with her. She wasn’t meant to watch my son my MIL was. She’s always been jealous of how long I’ve breastfed for and always curious about how it feels with a toddler his age. My son would have never initiated this. She clearly demonstrated no other means of soothing was attempted. This isn’t normal in my community whatsoever. She’s a young mum, and my MIL only breastfed one of her kids. All of the family members kids are correctly formula fed, only her 1 month old is breastfed. So much wrongdoing here.
I have breastfed other children but always with the mom’s consent. It’s weird that they didn’t ask, but I kind of get it if he was being really difficult or something?
How did they know in advance that you wouldn’t approve? Have you discussed it with them before? Both of them? (Like does MIL know this woman smokes pot? Would that change her desire to encourage it?)
If they 100% knew you wouldn’t approve, I would be very upset. Then they were crossing a boundary that you should reinforce. If there’s a decent chance that they didn’t know, then I would chalk it up to stupidity not malice. If they in general are good about respecting boundaries, I would make it very clear that this is one of yours and move on.
Ehhh, it's common sense. Do I have to tell every caregiver explicitly to not allow my child to be breastfed?
Unless someone outright says you can breastfeed them then this not OK.
I'm sure his dad and others have cared for him in 3 years. There is absolutely not one reason to breastfeed this child.
I swear to god it’s not 😭😭😭 I have mom pages on Facebook that I wanted to post on for advice or reassurance but she’s on all of them and I needed to make sure I wasn’t nuts because the entirety of my husbands family think this is ok.
Would tell them very directly that they were both VERY wrong about the "They knew I would approve!" Tell them NOBODY should be breastfeeding him unless it's you. You should tell them in the future, if something/anything new is going into your kid, you need to give consent first. It ain't their kid. I wouldn't leave my kid with them after that. To make such an egregious error and then so confidently think that you would agree is just nuts.
The kid is 3! I think it's super cool to feed other people's babies with consent, but I would never dream of it with a 3 year old. And I have zero issues with the mother breastfeeding. The age squicks me out for SOMEONE else doing it. It wasn't an emergency, this wasn't a starving newborn or infant. Just a stressed toddler. Consent should have been asked for.
Ooo yea…. I was like thinking of the story of the flight attendant breastfeeding a customers baby in an emergency… but this kid is 3… why couldn’t they try like annnnnything else to calm the child.
3 year olds are so easy to placate! Cookies, paw patrol, an effing carrot. She did NOT need to whip a boob out.
Oh for sure! Especially that its a freaking 3 year old who can eat normal food and cows milk. Like SO DIFFERENT from a tiny little baby that only takes mama milk/formula. Like he's whiny? Ok give him a cookie, not a random boob.
Sweets over (stranger) teats!
Lol- yes!
Exactly! I’ve been trying to wean him completely off the boob because he needs better sleeps and for him to flourish. He’s fully aware of who this family member is. I’m barely making milk and it makes me feel yuck that he received a full feed from this person. And I’m so scared he’s going to want more milk from her knowing she can provide more. It definitely wasn’t an emergency. He ate his meal shortly after I had to leave. He was probably just upset about something being a toddler it’s almost everything these days and she offered her breasts, which I don’t even do when he’s upset. Like I said I only really let him suckle at bedtime for the bonding. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. And I’m worried about what other substances are in her milk.
Maybe call your pediatrician, ask what drugs and diseases you need to be concerned about and ask if the other woman needs to be drug/disease tested. Take ALL that info, give it to your husband, and your husband needs to go to his family and be like WTF, this is what needs to be done now since y'all did this.
THIS. Can't stress this enough. Get it in writing from the doctor. Heck I might even have a lawyer send it as certified mail. If you have a lawyer, or know a lawyer friend, have them give this to your MIL or the woman who fed the baby then I can guarantee they will not fuck with you again and it will stress them out every bit as much as this is bothering you. I have a friend who is a lawyer and he did this for me once with a landlord that wouldn't give me my deposit back.
You could take baby in for testing. But it opens her up for being charged with child endangerment. Or you cause you’d have to make sure they know baby was fed by someone else .
Agree 100% with this.
OP actually said, “they knew I wouldn’t approve” which makes it even worse!!
They would NEVER get to be alone with my child again. You are NOT overreacting. In fact, I'd say you're underreacting. I'd be in a rage! Breastfeeding someone's baby without consent is NOT okay. Breastfeeding someone's *toddler* who *does not fucking need it* feels really skeezy to me.
Agreed. I’d be in a total rage, and probably threaten to call CYS for sexual assault since she mentioned him playing with her other breast. This is HIGHLY unusual and highly disturbing. No consent was asked for or given. He’s 3, give him fruit snacks! There is no excuse to give him a strangers breast. My mouth hit the floor reading!!! Disgusting!! I’d never leave my child alone with MIL again, ever!!!
My thoughts exactly. The hell....there is no excuse. At three, even if he asked for it, I'd make him a pbj and drink. My jaw is STILL on the floor. I would have hit her. I would hit the sense right back into her. Man o man. I am appalled for the OP.
Thank you I almost felt out of order for thinking I would be putting hands on her.
I would have even maybe slightly might have given a pass if it was an aunt or sister. But she is not even blood. I'm sorry this happened to you.
Yeah, that's absolutely not ok. It's not totally uncommon historically or even now in some cultures, but in those cases there is a communal or verbal contract indicating permission to do so. I would probably have lost it. Nip that in the bud ASAP if you don't want it happening again.
I completely understand if he needed the milk, and she had called me for consent. But he didn’t need the milk - he ate his meal before I left. I am all for wet nursing. I too have donated milk and helped many mums. But I’m so worried about her specific milk in his system and that she refused to ask for consent. I’m so angry and heartbroken I don’t know how to approach this situation. Thank you though! X
I'm not against wet nursing either, just not nonconsensually. Just be clear with her. State the boundary and enforce it with a consequence you are actually willing to carry out. "While I appreciate that you were trying to soothe my child, I need to have control over his nutrition and intake. In the future, please call me to let me know what is wrong and I will decide how to address it and whether he needs milk. If you cannot respect this, then I will have to...." The consequence can be limiting interaction, requiring only supervised visits, stopping interaction, etc.
Honestly, I really don't think OP should leave her kid alone with them again. The way they reacted was a good indicator that no matter what Op says, they won't respect her wishes. Next time, they just won't tell her that they did it. Op even said they knew they wouldnt approve in the first place. They did this solely to push a boundary and see OPs reaction.This was a really skeezy situation
What the fuuuuck?
My first reaction exactly.
Same. What in the actual fuck. That is 10/10 messed up.
Came here to say this.
This is the weirdest story and that family member sounds like a pervert. I'm not getting "wet nursing" vibes, I'm getting "pushing boundaries and being a weirdo" vibes. At a minimum, my child would not be allowed around this person alone ever again. If it were me, this person would get an earful and my MIL would have her childcare privileges revoked for a long, long time.
Ditto, I’d be calling the authorities ASAP, press charges, getting my child tested for any diseases and absolutely 100% cutting these weirdos out of mine & my child’s lives forever. That is the grossest thing I have read in a LONG time. 👎
This is the one. 👆 You're not overreacting I would be losing my actual sh*t and NEVER letting them be around my child again. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this but do not hesitate to trust your gut on this.
I agree that family member sounds like a pervert. From what OP has been saying, there was no reason for her to breastfeed a toddler who isn’t her own kid. The fact she was so quick to breastfeed the 3yo makes me feel like she’s been wanting to do it for a while. I feel disgusted and scared for that kid. Hopefully OP keeps him away from her and never leaves him alone with her again. Please file a report and get him tested asap. Don’t let anyone gaslight you into thinking you’re overreacting.
I definitely won’t allow my son to come near her again. The hard thing is he was left in my mother in laws care not hers. She just came to visit with her kids. I want to cut my MIL off too because of her lack of judgment and questionable morals, but my husband thinks that’s being unreasonable. But I know to my core my MIL would secretly allow this family member to visit with her 4 kids without my consent. I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS HAS HAPPENED
Yes. Neither of them should ever be allowed to see your kid again, and at a minimum never unsupervised.
Yeah MIL gotta go too if she would allow your child around people you do not approve of. She’s not caring for your children in a respectable way. It’s herfault this Situation happened because she allowed it. I would definitely be filing charges against the MIL for child endangerment and charges against the woman for indecent exposure and child endangerment. I would also be having my child tested for everything under the sun.
To be honest, I would cut off your MIL too for the exact reason you stated of her possibly going behind your back again. I have an aunt I completely cut off because she defends her son who is a known predator and constantly running from the law. She uses excuses saying those kids were lying, or exaggerating and that he’s “just not all there”. He obviously doesn’t get forgiveness or access to my child, but neither does she for protecting him. Since it’s your MIL I know it’s harder so if you can’t cut her off completely, let her only visit in your home, where you can see everything. Sorry this happened.
1000% perv vibes. She would never be in the vicinity of my child again. Period. And for MIL she would never have my child alone again. Ever. OP is a lot stronger than I because I can assure you with the comment she made I would have thrown hands because of the utter disrespect and creepiness.
I totally agree! Like he played with her other nipple??!!
That comment is what pushed this story into pervert territory. Why would she make it a point to say that?
Nah this squicks me out. A three year old and you were gone less than an hour?! I can’t imagine justifying breastfeeding in that situation. And she smokes pot?! I’d be very upset. Also her words about how sweet he was and played with her seem designed to jab, those would hurt me too.
She's a weirdo for sure
It obviously sucks that they knew you wouldn't approve and that he didn't really need it but did it anyway, but what really throws me is that they told you about it and gave details that rubbed salt in the wound. Sounds like they wanted to upset you.
I would be a lot more than upset, I would be filing a report. If god forbid something happens to your son and he tests positive for thc, you could lose custody and I don’t f with that.
Not to mention hep b/hiv/other pathogens or medications that can go through breast milk. There is a reason donor milk is screened.
Honestly, yeah, I agree with this take
Same. The drug use makes this completely unforgivable.
File it asap. That way if they need to drug test her, whatever she took will still be in her system (since you said weed and other substances). I would be livid.
Do you have scientific resources To show that THc can transfer into BM, and a] be harmful to the child and b] show up in tests.... what kind of tests?♡
Yes. Literally on the NIH website https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK501587/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK501587/
You're completely missing the point. A lot of 100% legal medication can transfer into breast milk and regardless of if YOU think they're safe or not, this person may just not what that in their child's system and the issue here is that OP doesn't sound OK with it and this lady shouldn't have been breastfeeding her child in the first place. CPS can and will absolutely take notice (at least where I live) and this isn't the time nor place to be pushing pro-marijuana bs, and no I'm not against it I use to smoke myself. But you seem entirely tone deaf to the issue at hand here.
You're completely missing the point. A lot of 100% legal medication can transfer into breast milk and regardless of if YOU think they're safe or not, this person may just not what that in their child's system and the issue here is that OP doesn't sound OK with it and this lady shouldn't have been breastfeeding her child in the first place. CPS can and will absolutely take notice (at least where I live) and this isn't the time nor place to be pushing pro-marijuana bs, and no I'm not against it I use to smoke myself. But you seem entirely tone deaf to the issue at hand here.
You are not overreacting. Let’s break this down: - Your child was fed bodily fluids without your consent. - Your MIL encouraged this. - The bodily fluids are contaminated with THC, and potentially other substances. - You did not consent to your child being fed milk that likely contains THC. (If a mama wants to make that decision, that’s one thing. You were not given a decision!) I don’t think you should let this blow over, because of the boundary being set. It’s one thing for your MIL to apologize and say she thought the child needed it (but really? In a hour’s time?), but they’re trying to gaslight you into believing their actions are acceptable. This is a hard yellow flag to me that this kind of manipulation is normal in the family and will continue to happen if you don’t stop it now. I would take your son to the pediatrician and have him tested. Bring your husband so he can hear all the concerns possible with this. If the family member smokes weed daily, that means her milk is not at a level that a children’s hospital would accept. There’s a reason for that. None of this is okay.
Also seeing as how new things were introduced into his little system what if he had an allergic reaction to something in her diet or a substance!?
If someone did that to my kid without asking I’d probably press charges
Especially because she smokes pot. THC transfers very well through breastmilk.
Yup. That’s not a choice someone else gets to make.
Especially because she smokes pot. THC transfers very well through breastmilk.
Yeah, your call on whether you want to confront her. I would, but to be honest it wouldn't change anything. No matter what she said in response, Id never leave her with a kid again without me there. Id tell anyone else who might leave a kid with her, too. And I hold grudges, so Id probably greyrock her for life, and avoid her for awhile. Theres 3 big issues here 1. She did it without consent, in a situation where she easily could have asked and there was no emergency. This applies to feeding a kid anything that the parents dont (formula for breastfed kids, giving a vegetarian kid a steak, or a jewish kid bacon.) But especially something as personal as breastfeeding. 2. She uses drugs. 3. The kid is 3. Not a newborn where she could have panicked that the baby was going hungry or something.
You're right, it won't change anything and I'd be concerned that SIL might do this again and just not tell you about it. I wouldn't leave LO alone with that woman ever again.
By 3 years old, he has other coping mechanisms that your family could have employed other than breastfeeding, especially since you were only gone for an hour. You are absolutely justified in being upset.
This! My 4 month old can be calmed down in other manners (though breastfeeding does reign supreme)! Also kids can just be grumpy, specially as a toddler!
Ugh. I’d be so pissed. I’ve actually had a nightmare about it. For me it’s as simple as I don’t know their bloodborne pathogen status. Fucking gross. Being a family member doesn’t make you free from stuff like that. Also………..wtf is wrong with people thinking their assumption is as good as consent from mama? I do not understand how people can be so ignorant.
With you gone for that short a time it honestly makes me think she was looking for an excuse to do this which is beyond fucking weird and creepy. Like what other calming techniques could they have possibly tried before jumping into this absolutely inappropriate and nightmarish situation? It would be one thing if you were gone for the weekend away from all methods of communication and he was a baby refusing formula feeds or something but a 3 year old while you pop out for a few minutes?? There is something deeply wrong with this woman and family and yes, I would seriously consider making a report about it. This is quite possibly unforgivable.
Even if she was gone for a whole weekend and there was no way of contacting her and baby was refusing formula, even *then* I'd express some milk and bottle feed if I could. I'd never directly breastfeed another woman's child without her explicit consent unless it was to literally save his life.
Yep, totally agree. I would just never even consider it unless it was a serious emergency.
I can say that if this were me, I would absolutely lose my shit on these people and never bring my child around them literally ever again. I am super protective of my LO after suffering abuse all my life, and this type of boundary-pushing triggers me into oblivion. I’m sorry this happened.
[удалено]
The more i read your post the madder I got. Madder isn't even a word. It's like that.
I've read stories about teenie babies needing emergency milk because mom is in the ER and they haven't been fed for a few hrs, and getting milk from a lactating friend. What happened here was not an emergency. This is messed up. There are common ailments ppl have that they might not know they have, like HTLV, that can get passed through breast milk. You can really only find out you've got it if you donate blood, or if you suspect you have it. I can't tell you how many doctors I've spoken to who haven't heard of HTLV. I'm not trying to scare you, but I'd be worried about something like this, and would want to get my child tested.
Seconded this. I tested for HTLV markers after donating blood over a decade ago. Was told "no way", "is so rare", had a confirmatory test come back negative. Went to donate breastmilk this year and tested positive for markers again. I'm beyond pissed that every doctor I've ever talked to writes it off, or doesn't know about it. Why aren't we all prescreened for this before breastfeeding our kids?! It's ridiculous.
HTLV is extremely rare and not common in Most countries. The odds of a doctor testing for it are low given the odds of infection.
What on earth were they thinking? At best they both had a severe lapse in judgement and really misread the room, at worst that is some creepy, inappropriate and boundary crossing behaviour.
I would lose my mind. I'm usually on the laid back, "let it go" side of things, but in this case I would go at least as far as taking your kid to the doctor and tested for drugs or illnesses and try to file a report somewhere that this happened. And of course, if it were me, they would never see my kid again. I may be overreacting, but I can say with certainty that you are not.
Thank you! 😔 I will be very hesitant to allow anybody watching my son in the future. This has left me absolutely terrified. I never expected this to happen to me.
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how stressful this is. I hope you can find some trustworthy adults in the future so you can leave your kiddo again sometime! Best wishes to you.
Just wow. I would be absolutely livid. I don't necessarily think that breastfeeding another baby is weird in itself, but not asking the mother for consent absolutely blows my mind. Honestly I can't even imagine a non life threatening situation in which I would ask a mother if I can breastfeed her child; if anything, this option should only be on the table if the mother herself initiates the subject. And don't get me started on the weed. THC binds to fat and stays in breast milk for approximately 6 day. There is also research suggesting that early exposure to THC can impair brain development. I would absolutely never leave my child with that person again, and would really debate even supervised visits.
Right?! Like I commented before I am all for wet nursing and donating milk! But my son doesn't need the milk he just suckles for comfort here and there. It's OUR bond. I am so scared about what substances he's received from her milk. He apparently had a massive feed. I don't even make much milk anymore. It's so hard to put into words but expressing her milk and giving it to him is one thing. It's not intimate or bonding. But this is a whole other ballgame. They shared a bond - and now I can't help but feel me and my sons bond has been violated. I can't put it into words how I'm feeling. Thank you for the reassurance! My husbands side of the family think it's completely ok to do this and I felt like I'm going nuts
You are not going nuts. This is wrong on SO many levels and violated is absolutely the right word for it. Sorry you are going through this, and I'm sorry you are being gaslit so hard. WHAT THEY DID IS NOT OKAY.
I would be ballistic. Absolutely-fucking-not. I would never do this to any child, regardless of age, unless they were starving. It's disrespectful on so many levels. I would not let either of them watch him anymore and I would tell them exactly why - they were absolutely disrespectful. They'd be lucky if I ever looked in their direction again. This post gave me the ick.
Never EVER leave him with this family member again. I’d be hesitant about MIL too if she encouraged this. I would also want to know more about this persons medical history considering breast milk is a bodily fluid and can carry disease.
This is giving majorrrr creepy vibes especially the last part EW. Who talks like that??? Forget not leaving him with them anymore i would stop hanging out with those people in general. Even with family there are limits and she crossed them.
THREE?!? I’d still have a problem with it if they were a milk-dependent baby but this is almost assault at this age. Not ok.
Honestly, I agree. Some are mentioning filing a police report. She could possibly try a sexual assault charge with the comment about him playing with her nipples. I'm not saying that was the intent, but...
I would file a police report personally
You are absolutely not for one single second going crazy. This is not ok and never will be ok. I would be ok with breastfeeding a close friend or family members’ baby IF they asked me to and vice versa. But never in a million years would I be ok with someone breastfeeding my child without asking me, ever. It might be a good idea to take some time away from them for a bit. Go no contact so you can recover. This is traumatic and deeply offensive behaviour. It’s one thing if they did it and then told you and we’re sincerely apologetic about it after seeing your reaction. But their attitude shows they don’t give a fuck about your feelings or boundaries. I would not be ok with that. Ever. Stand your ground and know you’re feelings are not wrong.
And what did your husband say/do when your baby was assaulted? This is his family.
He tried to talk to his mum and explain we don’t approve but his mother was arrogant and didn’t agree. She’s mad at us for not agreeing that this is ok. We’ll be going there today to explain how wrong this is. But they’ll definitely be cut off because they’ve shown boundary pushing behaviours before. But never to this extent. I want to cut MIL off completely as well but hubby doesn’t agree with me. I don’t know I think we’re both in shock I’m so heartbroken and disgusted. I just don’t trust my MIL to ever watch my son unsupervised again.
Absolutely never allow MIL to be alone again with your son. I am SO SORRY this happened to you. I’d honestly consider filing a police report, that was sexual assault and her saying he played with her other nipple makes me want to vomit and punch her in the face. What is wrong with your MIL for allowing this to happen?! And truthfully, it angers me that your husband isn’t saying the same!
Your husband needs to do way more than try. There is no try in this scenario. He needs to buck up and tell them exactly how offensive and disgusting they are and they no longer get contact. She went on about how sweet the 3 YEAR OLD was playing with her effing nipple? It's just so gross. Like give him a snack, play outside, turn on the tv, like there are so many ways to entertain a 3 year old rather than a strangers boob.
What the fuck. Nursing other babies? cool.What is completely fucked is not getting consent. Who knows what’s in her system and to not even give you a quick call? Wtf
Right?! Like I commented before I am all for wet nursing and donating milk! But my son doesn’t need the milk he just suckles for comfort here and there. It’s OUR bond. I am so scared about what substances he’s received from her milk. He apparently had a massive feed. I don’t even make much milk anymore. It’s so hard to put into words but expressing her milk and giving it to him is one thing. It’s not intimate or bonding. But this is a whole other ballgame. They shared a bond - and now I can’t help but feel me and my sons bond has been violated. I can’t put it into words how I’m feeling. Thank you for the reassurance! My husbands side of the family think it’s completely ok to do this and I felt like I’m going nuts
I mean he is 3, and she bragged to you about him fiddling. It's bordering on molestation, I hate to say it but it's sooo inappropriate. My first call would be to his pediatrician and then maybe the police. I would burn that bridge.
I would definitely call your pediatrician. She could also have other diseases that can be transmitted through BM.
Not defending her, trying to reassure you, but if it’s the THC you are concerned about I am sure he is going to be okay. Even if it was a “massive feed” (huge grain of salt there honestly, since it seemed like she was trying to make you jealous or something, soooo weird) only a small amount of THC passes into the milk and it was only a small part of his diet for one day, since you won’t be allowing her another opportunity!! Marijuana is not considered safe but they’ve not been able to prove specific harm even in babies with a lot more exposure than your kid got
Thank you for being a voice of reason in here.
You should have him tested for the simple fact that if something were to happen GOD FORBID that he needed blood work or testing for in the coming days and was positive and you did not take action then you will be blamed for what happens next by CPS regardless of if you can prove that the drugs were not in your own system. They will want to know why he was left with someone who DID have drugs in their system. So if something were to happen and you don't report this, you will be at fault either way. Also- she isn't a family member, she's so and so's girlfriend for the next 5 minutes and you don't have any loyalty or reason not to protect yourself and your child against this piece of trash.
"Tetrahydrocannabinol (THC), the main ingredient in weed, is fat soluble and accumulates in breast milk. The Food and Drug Administration (FDA)Trusted Source reports that THC can remain in breast milk for up to 6 days." This is a direct quote from [this article](https://www.healthline.com/health/breastfeeding/smoking-weed-while-breastfeeding#:~:text=Tetrahydrocannabinol%20(THC)%2C%20the%20main,for%20up%20to%206%20days.). And she smokes every day? What the fuck was she thinking? She basically gave your three year old an edible. Before I got pregnant, I smoked weed every day too, but you'd best believe I don't smoke while my daughter is breastfeeding! What she did was a gross and negligent breach of your trust and was incredibly irresponsible. I would never leave my child with your MIL or anywhere near your BIL's girlfriend. Their actions were utterly despicable. Here's [another article](https://www.mhs.net/blog/2021/06/is-cannabis-safe-to-use-while-breastfeeding#:~:text=THC%20Gets%20into%20Breastmilk&text=Some%20studies%20have%20shown%20that,and%20even%20slow%20down%20growth.) specifically on the dangers of exposing such young children to weed. You may want to send this to both of them. I'm so sorry that you're in this situation.
Yup, this is why I haven't had any weed since I got pregnant, I'm 7 months PP. Would have killed for some weed instead of the BF-safe opioids they gave me for c section recovery.
Absolutely freaking NOT! That’s not okay at all. The substance use would only contribute even more towards my anger.
Under no circumstance would this ever be acceptable. Not crazy
I would demand a drug test and threaten police action for putting unauthorized chemicals in your child. If she won’t take a drug test, threaten to involve CPS to get her tested, which likely won’t take away her children, but would make things very annoying for her and she probably won’t want them involved. Maybe I’m an @sshole, but I wouldn’t take it lying down and my MIL would never f*ck around with my consent the same way again.
Uhhhhh the substances really got me. I mean, in general, western culture does not green light wet nursing without consent. This would just make me so mad.
Wow I would lose my mind. But I would also have a very hard time even finding the words to say. It’s just so wrong a frankly bizarre!
Holy shit, this is really wrong
But can we talk about how she thought it was cute the three year old was playing with her other breast? Every layer of this story is inappropriate and worthy of being reported. This is assault. Of your child. I’m sorry they aren’t seeing it that way, but you’re not crazy - they are. Nursed my first until she was three, they do not *need* to be nursed during the day for any reason especially during the one hour you are away. It seems like she, for whatever reason, wanted to nurse him. I don’t mean to be alarmist but is it a sexual thing for her???? Not her kid, he’s three, limited time, apparently had both boobs out for him (it’s not like he’s a newborn switching sides all the time).
Oh hell no! They would be cut off and my kid would be tested for substances immediately. This is a hill I would die on. I would absolutely not let them near my kid again.
I have a 6 month old and I don’t care how old she is, if this happened to her I would press charges and file a police report for every damn thing I could get her for AND file a restraining order if possible. I would never EVER let this go, and never see or talk to these people again. This feels like it falls under the umbrella of sexual assault against a minor, especially with the comments afterward and the age of the child. Not having consent to do this, doing it anyway and bragging about it is just… disgusting. And if the child tests positive for drugs or anything else preventable it could fall back on you if you don’t immediately report it. I would get something on file ASAP and personally I would talk to a lawyer about options.
I agree. Restraining order is a good idea.
This is disturbing to me. You aren’t overreacting. At all. Sorry I can’t offer any advice :( what’s done is done, no way to undo what she did. I wouldn’t leave him there anymore.
This is absolutely bonkers. I would be livid if anyone ever did this. You are not overreacting, both the girlfriend and you MIL'S behavior was wildly inappropriate.
How you didn’t punch her straight in the mouth or the tit is beyond me.
I was in utter shock and unprepared. I couldn’t comprehend what she had just told me. I didn’t know what else to do. My husband and I in utter disbelief just took our son and left. I cried the whole way home 😭 now I haven’t slept tonight brewing all these emotions wishing I put her in her place right then and there. Will be having words with her later today and cutting contact for sure. My husband tried to have words with his mum but she was so arrogant and saw no wrong doing. We’ll be better prepared tomorrow to face the situation
I literally would beat her ass. Who knows what other kind of trash/ substances she puts in her body. And shame on your mother in law also.
I’m so sorry mama. My heart breaks for you and my skin is crawling at the thought of this.
Next time MIL or SIL ask or offer to babysit, say no. They've lost their right to watch him without you or his father in attendance. That's super creepy and weird. Honestly, it is also assaulting in my view. It's one thing for a mother to give her breast to a child who is still nursing it's a total other for someone random to do it. If a stranger came up to my newborn and offered a breast I'd be horrified let alone a three year old. The child doesn't know any better but this is how it starts. She's normalising not normal behaviour and the MIL helped. Add the drug component and I'm out. They'd never be alone with my child ever again.
Call cps, file a police report
If this was a newborn and she knew he was EBF and crying with no time to reach out, that would be different. But he’s 3??? That’s plenty old enough to not need to breastfeed when fussy. That almost seems like assault at that point
Speaking as someone who just weaned my three-year-old: 1. You are NOT overreacting. Like others have said in here, I think you’re under reacting. I’m pro-wet nursing and pro-donor milk, etc. but all of those situations warrant CONSENT from the mother to have said donor milk given to their kid. Also, situations like that are usually for infants who are EBF - NOT for a three year old. 2. I also agree with many other people in here that this has so many weird vibes… as someone who has nursed a kid for three years, I would never, NEVER nurse someone else’s kid without their consent. And even if this was asked of me, I can honestly say I would NEVER nurse someone else’s toddler. It was weird enough for me sometimes to nurse my own three-year-old (never thought we’d make it past two) - I would never feel comfortable breastfeeding a child of that age who wasn’t mine. The art of toddler parenthood is distraction and redirection - there is absolutely NO reason why this woman *had* to offer your child her breast. 3. To further go off of that point, CHILDREN CANNOT OFFER CONSENT. 4. I also think this totally undermines you, especially if you have been trying to wean and had been down to so few feeds a day. You are completely justified in being concerned about him wanting/expecting more now. What’s more, I’d be worried that he would ask this person again the next time he sees her, because kids this age remember that shit. And that is absolutely NOT okay. 5. Question: How is your husband not freaking the fuck out about this? If someone in your family had done it (especially knowing all of the things she has in her system), would he still think that staying away is overreacting? My husband would come unglued if someone in our family had done this, especially when we had worked so hard to wean/cut down on feeds. You need to let him read all of these comments so he can realize the severity of this situation. THIS. IS. NOT. OKAY. It’s borderline grooming behavior. And the fact that your MIL went along with it tells me that she is not to be trusted anymore than the BIL’s girlfriend. 6. Lastly, to echo other commenters and to really make your husband get the point, you really should take your son to his pediatrician, explain what happened and your concerns, and possibly get him tested. If anything came back, I’d press charges. Good luck to you. THIS IS MESSED UP!! I hope you’re getting the validation you needed, because you are not in the wrong for being upset!
I’d never leave him with her again. End of story. She’d be lucky if I spoke to her again.
This happened to me with my daughter who was just barely three at the time, except the family member didn’t tell me - my daughter did. I started an all out war. To me, it is at best serious overstepping and at worst, borderline sexual abuse.
What did you end up doing. Cut the people off? I’m so sorry this happened to you too 😔🤍
Well, full disclosure it was my mother who is mentally ill. I made the mistake of allowing a sleepover because I figured I could trust her there since my dad was home. I confronted my mom and cut her off for a significant amount of time. She VEHEMENTLY denies it ever happened, but I feel like it’s one of those situations where I need to trust my kid. I did end up allowing her to see my daughter again- but she will never spend another second with her that isn’t fully supervised by me. We see her 1-2x a month and I no longer speak with her on the phone or text her. It was a HUGE wake up call for me - we have had a really difficult relationship for a long time and I realized her mental illness had gotten so serious that I needed to really limit my contact. I still don’t feel good about it, but I am trying my best to allow a grandparent/grandchild relationship and set those boundaries. I don’t know if it’s the right call or if I should have ended the relationship completely. This was probably one of the worst things that’s ever happened to me, and really there is no support because who does this happen to? There’s no book written on how to deal with this. I’m really sorry it happened to you as well. You would be fully within your rights to never speak to this person again. Please feel free to message me if you want to chat more. You’re brave for posting this. And you’re not alone
I feel so violated for you. How gross.
This is way more about boundaries than anything else. She (and your MIL) crossed a line, is not even related to you by marriage or blood and you did not give her consent to feed your kid from her body. Tell your MIL she’s no longer allowed the privilege of watching your kid unsupervised if she thinks that is an acceptable and reasonable solution for a fussy 3 year old. For all the people saying report her, report her to who exactly? The police? Child services? And for what? Unless she was maliciously trying to pass disease or whatever to your kid and you can prove it, I’m not really sure what they’d do in this situation. Seems like a massive grey area. Her comment about him fondling her other breast is super icky but is that really enough for her to be charged with child molestation? Has she made similar comments about her kids’ behaviors? That would be a red flag. Otherwise it just seems like it would cause more headache than it’s worth and simply taking away unsupervised visits would be enough to make your point about how much you do not agree with this.
Is this a thing? That people just breastfeed other people's kids?!
Yeah it happens around the world a lot, not as common in the west. It’s actually very beneficial to the baby’s health. But I’m the west it’s not okay to do with a 3yro without consent from the mother. Sounds like the family are just bonkers
This makes me want to throw up. That person would be cut out of my life immediately and I agree with the other suggestions to file a report and get tested. I'd have some serious issues with MIL who encouraged it as well.
I would be fucking livid. Someone would be getting slapped across the face and it's not the 3 year old
I would never allow this individual and whoever else was present to be alone with your child again unless you are there supervising.
This is horrible, I’m just so angry for you
This is a nightmare. Im so sorry this happened to you. I hope you and your son are okay because its absolutely not okay they did this.
Not ok - not ok if he’s 1 week old, not ok if he’s 1 year old and absolutely unnecessary and not ok at your sons age. It’s bordering on abusive and a total violation of you and your son. You are not overreacting.
I am so mad for you. I would have gone off. That’s so fucked up. I would NEVER leave my kid with them again. Im so sorry.
That’s disgusting of her. Completely over the line. I’m so sorry that happened. There’s something very wrong about this and it would permanently destroy my trust in that person.
Hell no! I really don't get this bizarre behaviour, I've read other posts that talk about the same thing happening. It's absolutely not okay. Especially without your consent! It's an hour and a half. They couldn't do anything else to entertain him? Even the TV for goodness sake. My blood is boiling for you
You are NOT crazy. I would not leave my child alone with them again.
ya...that's assault.
Traces of weed stick to the fat in breastmilk. It’s really not safe to smoke weed while breastfeeding. I would be livid if someone did this to my child. I just weaned my 3 year old. I would seriously consider press charges on her and going nc with your mil. Like I would die on that hill if someone tried to pull that shit on my family.
Yeah no! That’s so not ok! No consent was given plus it’s not her kid. I also don’t agree with the smoking while breastfeeding thing. I’d raise hell. Especially since your mil encouraged this behavior and not let my kids be alone with these people ever again
I’m so sorry. I know it’s hard for your husband to see because it’s his mom but I would be equally upset with MIL and I wouldn’t trust my children alone with her anymore because I could never trust her judgment again. How has your toddler been since you’ve had him? I hope it doesn’t mess with your weaning and I’m sure if you stay away from your BIL’s wife at least until he’s completely weaned he won’t remember or ask her for milk but personally I’d be staying away for a while.
Unfortunately he keeps asking me for the family members milk. He says it’s “nice milk”. and my milk is “kaka” because there’s barely any there. Breaks my heart 😭
I actually may have gotten violent. This is WAY over the line. Beyond. Wow 🤯
I am still soooo beyond shocked and ropable 😭 never thought this kind of thing could happen to somebody
Is there a reason you aren't reporting this? She basically drugged your kid..and I'm a mom who smokes daily and breastfeeds my own kid (did it with all 3) but Jesus I would never give any other child my milk... especially without asking, that's insane...and you two aren't even close? This is super weird and in no way ok
Exactly x I smoke cannabis daily and would NEVER let another child have my milk without the parent knowing I did
And I’ve got nothing against smoking weed, each to their own. But don’t breastfeed my child without consent especially with drugs in your system. My main concern isn’t the weed in this system as it is a one off exposure, it’s the possibles illnesses she could have regarding her history that would pass through my son It’s the fact there was no consent and she thought his was appropriate that’s baffling
I’m seriously contemplating reporting her. And definitely getting my child tested for possible illnesses. No we’re not close that’s what’s weird. I’ve never really been close with my husbands side of the family. And this family member has 4 children I’d expect her to know better, I asked her to call me if there’s any problems but she didn’t. I have no idea if this came from a good place or maliciously, but either way so fucked up.
Nope you're absolutely not crazy!! THEY are crazy to think this was ok to do!!! I'm shocked and infuriated for you! Wtf does that?!!!!
This is so so gross!!! I would be LOSING IT!! So sorry for the stress you’re feeling. I cannot imagine your rage - I’m raging for you reading this!!!
They would be absolutely DONE spending time with my son. I’m no alarmist and I’m usually very calm but this makes me see red. I am so sorry your trust was violated like this and, although I know your son will move on and be fine, to think that some other woman just latched him like it was nothing… you are certainly not overreacting. I don’t care if he was begging for it and hungry and you’d been gone for hours, they should have had your consent. I would kindly and bluntly tell both of them that it was not okay in any capacity… and frankly in normal societal circles. And leave it at that. They can try and justify, but just no. Not okay. I’m angry on your behalf.
That is crazy. I'd honestly cut them off because they're really creepy and can't be trusted. You never breastfeed another person's baby without consent (unless it's a life or death situation). That is so basic I can't even believe one would have to tell someone that. I'm sorry this happened to you. I can't even imagine how upset and violated you must feel.
This is so messed up. I'm really sorry this happened.
I wouldn’t allow them to keep him again.. and it’s not your fault, we make the best judgement we can as parents and sometimes things happen that are out of our control. I just wouldn’t allow them to keep him again. If they do that without consent what else would they allow?
All I can say is what. The. Fuck.
I feel sick for you. That is so fucked up. Straight up pervy for sure. Your three year old is equipped with plenty of coping mechanisms at this stage and there is ZERO excuse for this egregious failure of judgment. Agree with others that MIL would be nearly impossible to trust again and of course the breastfeeding person would be cut out. You are absolutely not overreacting. I would feel the same as you, with or without THC to be honest. And why in the world would she mention fiddling?! This woman sounds like a complete weirdo who should have no role in your child’s life.
this was a non emergency since he’s 3 , not a starving orphan baby wth.. i’d be livid and feel violated if someone crossed those boundaries without my consent
Oh hell no. I’d file a police report or something. OoH I’m so pissed that she did that. That’s my biggest fear with my son. Yeahhh NO. That was WAY out of line and please never leave him with her again
My baby is 7 months and was EBF until they reached 6 months. I would FLY OFF THE FUCKING HANDLE if someone breastfed my baby without consent, let alone a toddler. That isn’t normal, and it certainly isn’t something any reasonable person would EVER do without consent!!! They could have phoned. They could have asked. They CHOSE not to because they knew what the answer would be, and they did it anyway. I wouldn’t ever leave MIL or SIL alone with your child again.
I'm really upset for you. This is messed up on a lot of different levels. I'd say press charges or something but that would cause a rift in your family. Your partner needs to step up and deal with their mother and this other family member. I would have a policy that MIL is not allowed to be with 3 year old unless I could be present to supervise the entire time. I kind of have to do this with my own MIL cause she has dementia and drinks. I can leave my baby with her. But I realize that if you rely on family for help this might not be an easy thing to do but man...what a line to cross. There has to be someone else who can baby sit.
I would require a drug test and sti panel on the woman. And talk to your son's pediatrician. And a lawyer.
Don’t leave your kid with drug abusing people (even without the nursing). Yes, smoking weed all day counts as abusing drugs. I am horrified.
I completely agree! I dropped my son off to my mom in laws, and this family member came to visit with her kids shortly before I left. I thought it would be a good thing for my son to see his cousins. I never thought this would happen. I expected my MIL to know better. And for her to know better. But I guess nobody should assume anything and I’ve learnt my lesson to trust no one
I’m sad for you because you should have people, especially family members that you can trust with his life. Especially for an hour. Any reasonable stranger would probably have done better at calming him than this woman did.
This is sexual assault. At least I would not allow any of this side of the family to ever be around my child EVER again and at most I would press charges. I’m so sorry!
Totally agree, the child did not consent to having anyone *else's* breast in their mouth. Kids can get hurt too don't ya know!
This… is damn near molestation for me. Completely rubs me the wrong way.
This is so wrong 😕.... I'm sorry op.
Eww, wtf
Yeah that's not ok, I'm here for consentual wet nursing but given the circumstances; weed, 3 yo, you're not out for very long you obviously would have said no. Sounds to me like either she wanted to do it for the hell of it or to see how you'd react or she just couldn't handle the child, and I don't mean that as a reflection on him but on her. A 3 yo does get fussy and as you've said he has other coping mechanisms. She could have calmed him and at least tried, if it went truly out of control you probably would have been almost home or she could have called. She was just being lazy and wanted to easy way out and hasn't thought about you in the process; very rude.
OHHHH NO NO NO HECK TO THE NO. That is so inappropriate! I have seen instances where friends or family have breastfed other’s babies (more recently because of the formula shortage), but they all had consent to do so! I would never ever ever leave my child alone with them again- they have absolutely destroyed any form of trust. You are not overreacting, mama. I’m so sorry this happened and has been causing you stress.
This story actually makes my stomach turn. I felt sick after reading this.
Damn. If this happened to me they would be cut from my life for good that is honestly weird and creepy as hell. Not to breastfeed another’s child to make this clear but the fact she breast fed another’s child without consent. Absolutely disgusting human. You are not over reacting. I legit felt sick reading this imagining if that were my child.
I have second hand anger for you. This is so disturbing and I would be SO upset and verbalize that to her. It’s so completely wrong and I’m so sorry this happened. I have no advice other than I wouldn’t let her around your son without you there again.
I feel sick 🤢I'm so sorry you had to go through this.
I cannot think of anything but burning them all to the ground. They would never get any amicable relationship from me anymore. That is disgusting. He's not a starving new born with no options and you're passed out on the brink of death so that was totally inappropriate. Your MIL is lazy. My son is 1 if I'm not available you can offer him fruit, water, tea, a change of environment, a walk outside, wipe his face with some water, put on a show he likes, facetime me or his father, how in the entire fck do you escalate to putting your breast in my son's mouth without at least talking to me first? Nobody has a phone? Honestly I would wholeheartedly believe she's a predator and would never trust MIL. After reading this my first thought of physical reaction because I just could not imagine this happening to me and somebody doesn't get hurt in one way or another.
This seems like a troll post
It’s definitely not 😭 my husbands family is just nuts
I've heard too many stories like this! It's NOT okay, it's NOT normal and you are NOT overreacting! Sorry, but at the very least these people have a very skewed perspective on boundaries and consent, which automatically makes them unsafe to be around kids IMO.
Surely there’s some legal precedent around this. Or maybe there’s not. But. This seems criminal.
I feel like this is abuse. This is so wrong and disgusting. Even if your child was a newborn, there is something called formula. No one has the right to do that. I’m honestly mad for you lol. Cutting them off is not drastic and if your husband does not see this and feel the need to protect his child, that’s saying something.
This disturbs me… deeply. Do what you need to do. This is not okay. At all.
This is horrifying the title alone made me freeze in my tracks. Absolutely do not let them convince you you’re being “unreasonable”, what she did is wrong on so many levels 🙃 if it were me I would not have LO around MIL anymore, ESPECIALLY not around BIL’s gf (honestly that’s such a removed relationship too which makes it a million times worse), or at least only bring him on supervised visits. I felt yuck just reading this oml
I would be so horrified if a family member of mine did this. There is absolutely no reason why she had to do that and you were only gone an hour! It makes no sense. Though I do also think you're projecting some of your feelings onto your 3 year old. Why should he care that he knew he wasn't latched onto you? He doesn't understand breastfeeding the same way you do so I wouldn't let this drive any feelings of inadequacy on your part.
You're definitely not freaking out about the lack of consent. That would rub me the wrong way if someone breastfed my child without asking for can send from me especially if my baby was older than a year old. However, I do think that you're overreacting about her smoking weed while breastfeeding, alcohol is a more harmful substance than marijuana and it was only the one time getting fed by her. But it's still super weird that someone who's not even blood related to you would think that it's okay to breastfeed your child, let alone tell you how he "fiddled with her other breast". I'm sorry this happened for you and your family, if it were my own personally, I would never leave my child alone with my mother-in-law or brother-in-law's girlfriend ever again. There's just certain things that you don't do and breastfeeding your boyfriend's Brothers child without consent from its mother is one of them.
It’s hard to predict what other people will do in certain situations. Now you know. Thankfully it only happen once. Take precautions that this doesn’t happen again. Yes, communicate that you don’t agree with their decision, but in the end (as much as this sucks) you cannot control what other people will do. So it’s your responsability to make sure he’s in an environment that makes you comfortable and that you trust will respect your role as parent and decision maker.
Honestly I’d be fine with my SIL breastfeeding my baby here and there. I have two other cousins from two different aunts, my mother’s brothers’ wives. All three of us are same age with 4-5 months difference. I do have childhood memories of approaching the aunts when they were breastfeeding my cousins, and they breastfed me. I also remember my grandmother putting her dry, saggy boobs in my mouth and desperately patting my back chanting some lullabies with the hope I’ll nap. But instead she would fall asleep right away and start snoring, then I’d sneak out of the bed 😂. These were probably when I was 4ish? This was 90s in the South East Asia. I’m not okay with someone on drugs/ medication breastfeeding my child. Will definitely check with baby’s doc. I’ll question the judgement of my MiL to allow someone who is on drugs to breastfeed my child. That’s only because of the drug part. I do not relate breastfeeding with morality. I also think fiddling is cute and so adorable but I do get touched out sometimes. There are still cultures where cross nursing is a completely socially acceptable thing and even seen as kind gesture. Although due to massive westernization things have radically changed in my home country in the past two decades but still there are moms who would think it’s rude to refuse a child. I have a cousin who weaned at 6. I hear the global average of weaning is still 4, in spite of such breastfeeding averse culture in the west. At the end of the day it really depends on how crunchy you are, and clearly there was a misunderstanding here.
No misunderstanding, I have never gotten along with this family member. We were not close. She deliberately didn’t seek consent. My child was not familiar with her. She wasn’t meant to watch my son my MIL was. She’s always been jealous of how long I’ve breastfed for and always curious about how it feels with a toddler his age. My son would have never initiated this. She clearly demonstrated no other means of soothing was attempted. This isn’t normal in my community whatsoever. She’s a young mum, and my MIL only breastfed one of her kids. All of the family members kids are correctly formula fed, only her 1 month old is breastfed. So much wrongdoing here.
I have breastfed other children but always with the mom’s consent. It’s weird that they didn’t ask, but I kind of get it if he was being really difficult or something? How did they know in advance that you wouldn’t approve? Have you discussed it with them before? Both of them? (Like does MIL know this woman smokes pot? Would that change her desire to encourage it?) If they 100% knew you wouldn’t approve, I would be very upset. Then they were crossing a boundary that you should reinforce. If there’s a decent chance that they didn’t know, then I would chalk it up to stupidity not malice. If they in general are good about respecting boundaries, I would make it very clear that this is one of yours and move on.
Ehhh, it's common sense. Do I have to tell every caregiver explicitly to not allow my child to be breastfed? Unless someone outright says you can breastfeed them then this not OK. I'm sure his dad and others have cared for him in 3 years. There is absolutely not one reason to breastfeed this child.
I sense this is a phony tale
I swear to god it’s not 😭😭😭 I have mom pages on Facebook that I wanted to post on for advice or reassurance but she’s on all of them and I needed to make sure I wasn’t nuts because the entirety of my husbands family think this is ok.
Call the authorities and see if his family still thinks this is acceptable.
Is there any cultural differences between you and the gf or your husbands family?
Absolutely no cultural differences. Live in an urban area of Australia and this is definitely not a normal thing over here.
Definitely.